WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:09.279 This is pod Popular Podcast for the People, the Great 2 00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:13.240 Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate. 3 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:17.800 The Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debase. 4 00:00:18.160 --> 00:00:21.239 Hi, get everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great 5 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.920 Love Debate, the world's number one dating and relationship podcast 6 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:29.000 since twenty fifteen. We are here in the lovely studios 7 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:32.119 of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. We're at the 8 00:00:32.119 --> 00:00:34.799 one in Scottsdale, which I haven't been here in a while. 9 00:00:34.840 --> 00:00:35.600 We are in the. 10 00:00:35.520 --> 00:00:38.479 Heart of the Scott's dazzle here in old town. And 11 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:41.880 if you check the etymology of the word Scottsdale, do 12 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:45.039 you know what it translates to bottomless mimosis. 13 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:46.600 That's what scotts Stale means. 14 00:00:46.799 --> 00:00:50.359 Fun fact for you kids kicking off. Thanks heer great 15 00:00:50.359 --> 00:00:54.840 Love listeners. Somebody the other day, for like the millionth time, 16 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:59.479 said you call yourself a dating expert, and I said, no, 17 00:01:00.200 --> 00:01:02.679 I never have, I never will, I most certainly do not. 18 00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:05.879 There is no such thing as a dating expert. I 19 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:11.359 have been called a dating influencer. I have been called 20 00:01:11.519 --> 00:01:15.200 the dating influencer, and I like that, Moniker, because what 21 00:01:15.239 --> 00:01:17.959 we do around here is we try to push the 22 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:21.879 conversation and raise the questions, sometimes in ways and places 23 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.760 that we all don't really want to go. So we're 24 00:01:24.799 --> 00:01:28.519 definitely not offering you expertise. I'm not sure we're even 25 00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:31.640 really offering you advice. We are giving you opinion, and 26 00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:34.239 I'm not just giving you my opinion. We are giving 27 00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:38.000 you the collective opinion of most of the men and 28 00:01:38.040 --> 00:01:40.480 women around the world, because we have heard from a 29 00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:44.040 whole lot of them, more than probably anyone else ever has. 30 00:01:44.200 --> 00:01:48.359 And so we sprinkle a little paprika on it, and 31 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:50.599 we stick in the oven for a bit, and then 32 00:01:50.680 --> 00:01:52.719 we serve it up hot and fresh and spicy to you. 33 00:01:52.840 --> 00:01:57.079 So do with this dish today, whatever you choose. I 34 00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:02.760 did an episode called Too Much and Never Enough, which 35 00:02:02.920 --> 00:02:07.439 touched on the give and take of a relationship and 36 00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:11.639 how we can properly balance and hopefully thread the needle 37 00:02:11.680 --> 00:02:15.840 on what you need and what you can give and 38 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:17.039 hope to get. 39 00:02:16.840 --> 00:02:21.120 And want to have with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whatever. 40 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:23.599 And we did get a lot of feedback on that, 41 00:02:23.719 --> 00:02:25.520 and some was good and some was bad, and some 42 00:02:25.680 --> 00:02:28.400 was puzzled, and we got a whole lot of questions. 43 00:02:28.439 --> 00:02:32.199 And one of the questions that came up a lot. 44 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:37.840 A bunch was around the concept of enough, which is 45 00:02:37.879 --> 00:02:39.840 a word, and which is something that I've dove into 46 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:41.919 a few times in the past. So I did give 47 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:45.360 the questions some thought and why it is important and 48 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:46.960 how it manifests. 49 00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:47.439 Itself in a relationship. 50 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:49.080 Which is why you get just me today, because I 51 00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:50.319 kind of want to go off on a little bit 52 00:02:50.319 --> 00:02:52.080 of a tangent about this. You can call it a 53 00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:53.759 rant if you want, but I want to talk about 54 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.439 enough and some other things. So, as we said on 55 00:02:56.520 --> 00:03:04.439 the last episode, words are important, and feeling them and 56 00:03:04.919 --> 00:03:10.560 saying them and hearing them matters. And sometimes relationships can 57 00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:18.879 start off with one word Hi, Yes, maybe all those 58 00:03:18.919 --> 00:03:22.919 are good, those are all positive, and those are all hopeful. 59 00:03:23.400 --> 00:03:27.199 And sometimes a relationship can start or evolve off two 60 00:03:27.280 --> 00:03:33.479 words I do, I believe we can? 61 00:03:35.719 --> 00:03:37.599 Yes, please? Why not? 62 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:42.879 And those are all good? And sometimes and dreams have 63 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:49.240 been written about three words. I love you, I got you, me, 64 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:53.199 and you. Let's do this three words. But today I 65 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:55.240 want to focus on or at least get things started 66 00:03:55.719 --> 00:03:59.039 with four words, and four words that can determine the 67 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:02.759 fate of the rest of your life, or at least 68 00:04:02.840 --> 00:04:05.599 your relationship and the outcome of it as much as 69 00:04:05.639 --> 00:04:08.479 any other. It can termine your future partnership, and it 70 00:04:08.479 --> 00:04:11.080 can determine the path of it all and which way 71 00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:13.199 you want to go with your partner and how long 72 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:17.360 it will last. And I'm probably thinking you guys are 73 00:04:17.399 --> 00:04:19.040 probably thinking this is like wheel of fortune, And I'm 74 00:04:19.079 --> 00:04:21.519 asking you to guess the phrase I'm not, I'm not, 75 00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:24.160 and no. The four words are not will you marry me? 76 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:27.399 Although those are nice and they are important, and those 77 00:04:27.439 --> 00:04:29.279 are good four words, and hopefully when you say, you 78 00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:32.040 mean it and you want it, and hope it's a 79 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:35.839 yes and a forever and happily ever after. But this 80 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:38.360 show isn't about those four words. What I want to 81 00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:43.319 talk about is these four words. I have had enough. 82 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:49.519 I have had enough enough of this, enough of you, 83 00:04:50.959 --> 00:04:54.519 enough of us. And when you say that and you 84 00:04:54.600 --> 00:04:59.279 believe it, it means you've drawn a line in the sand, 85 00:04:59.399 --> 00:05:06.560 and nothing about this situation will continue. I don't like 86 00:05:06.600 --> 00:05:09.639 the way this is going, I don't like the way 87 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:12.879 this makes me feel. I don't like the way you 88 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:15.959 make me feel. I want this to end or change 89 00:05:16.040 --> 00:05:21.680 or whatever. But I do not want this enough, which 90 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:23.839 is the flip side of the enough we've talked about 91 00:05:23.879 --> 00:05:27.439 before on the last podcast. On the podcast I referenced previously, 92 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:34.000 it is not a you know, satisfied sufficient enough? Would 93 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:35.120 you like another piece of pie? 94 00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:37.759 God? No, I can barely walk. I've had enough. It's 95 00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:41.360 not that it's not good enough. It's not pie. 96 00:05:41.879 --> 00:05:44.240 It's not I'm getting enough of what I need and 97 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:46.480 enough of what I want enough from this relationship. It 98 00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:51.000 is I have had enough of this. I don't want 99 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:56.360 it anymore. I won't take it anymore, and I'm not 100 00:05:56.399 --> 00:06:00.519 gonna be with you anymore. And you say, well, Brian 101 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:03.279 Christopher Howie, you are always talking about happiness and hope 102 00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:06.879 and possibilities and rainbows around here. What is this you 103 00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:11.160 are throwing in this kettle, tossing in the stew. 104 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:12.319 I'm saying it's. 105 00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:15.360 Important because it's where you can begin again. And when 106 00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:17.759 you say that, or when you think it, it's really 107 00:06:17.839 --> 00:06:20.519 when you can start to turn the page and find 108 00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:22.759 what you want and who you want it with. You 109 00:06:22.839 --> 00:06:25.800 find the life you want, the love you want. I'm 110 00:06:25.879 --> 00:06:30.399 not going to put up with that anymore. Enough, I'm 111 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:33.720 not going to live like this anymore. Enough, I don't 112 00:06:33.720 --> 00:06:38.480 want to feel this way again enough, But how do 113 00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:42.000 you know when that is? And how do you know 114 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:44.879 what the last straw is? If you keep finding new straws, 115 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:46.480 you know where you can't find new straws anymore. 116 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:50.720 Starbucks. It's no more straws or straws at Starbucks. 117 00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:52.759 But anyway, you keep letting out a little more rope 118 00:06:52.800 --> 00:06:57.560 and a little longer leash and whatever metaphor you want 119 00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:00.560 to use to say I can take more, and I 120 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:02.759 can keep going and this isn't going to break me. Well, 121 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:06.399 you keep doing that, and you have not only I 122 00:07:06.439 --> 00:07:09.399 don't know, permanently stretched out the sweater, but you can 123 00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:11.120 never get it to fit the way you want it to. 124 00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:14.040 I just give you a shitload of mixed metaphors there, 125 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:17.759 but I think you get it enough. No more of this, 126 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:22.279 no more of us. The only way you're ever going 127 00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:24.079 to get into the right relationship is to get out 128 00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:28.399 of the wrong one, which is often even harder to do. 129 00:07:28.519 --> 00:07:30.399 I mean, it's sometimes harder to rid yourself of the 130 00:07:30.399 --> 00:07:32.720 wrong one than to find the right one, which is 131 00:07:32.759 --> 00:07:34.560 crazy because we always talk about how hard it is 132 00:07:34.560 --> 00:07:37.879 to find the right one, But you waste time and 133 00:07:38.120 --> 00:07:42.240 energy and effort and emotion until you're just broken, and 134 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:46.360 even leaving doesn't always satisfy you because you're so glazed 135 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.199 and buried under it all that you can't even fathom 136 00:07:49.240 --> 00:07:52.279 starting again with someone else. So the damage of that 137 00:07:52.360 --> 00:07:55.480 relationship tumbles forward into the new one in every. 138 00:07:55.319 --> 00:07:56.160 Aspect of your life. 139 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:58.199 And then suddenly five years go by when you're sort 140 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:02.360 of thinking about dating again or trying someone else, anyone else, 141 00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:07.839 but you have to and you have to try, and 142 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:11.040 you need to breathe, and you just have to say 143 00:08:11.079 --> 00:08:16.680 this won't work for me. I have had enough. But again, 144 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:18.519 it's hard to know when that is. So let me 145 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:22.680 go back a bit into the time before enough and 146 00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:27.639 explain how to find I don't know the temporary from 147 00:08:27.639 --> 00:08:30.720 the permanent, if that makes sense. Sort of the temporarily 148 00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:32.480 I have enough and we can change and work through 149 00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:36.000 it versus the permanent. This complete thing is done, so 150 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:37.600 I want to get into that. Hopefully you haven't had 151 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:39.840 enough of me or this, and you will stick with 152 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:42.440 me after the break, because we're going to dive back 153 00:08:42.440 --> 00:08:44.200 into that. It's a little complicated, we're gonna get back 154 00:08:44.200 --> 00:08:51.600 into it right after this, and we are back, So 155 00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:56.159 let's go back, not quite to the beginning, but maybe 156 00:08:56.200 --> 00:08:59.360 too a few months into the relationship. 157 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:02.519 Don't want to say the midpoint because you probably skew. 158 00:09:02.840 --> 00:09:06.440 You know fairly soon that that three to six month 159 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:08.840 make or break time in relationship where things are going 160 00:09:08.879 --> 00:09:11.559 okay but they aren't great and something's a little off 161 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:14.679 and you want to write it out and see where 162 00:09:14.679 --> 00:09:18.080 it goes. But it's not quite one of those I'm 163 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:21.840 feeling it in my gut things, especially that women say, 164 00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:24.600 don't always trust that you know or should do my 165 00:09:24.679 --> 00:09:25.440 gut is always right. 166 00:09:25.480 --> 00:09:25.879 No, it's not. 167 00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:27.840 If your gut was always right, you would never have 168 00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:30.120 gone out with any of these people. Sometimes as it's 169 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:35.440 an indigestion or revisionist history or deja vu, so anyway, 170 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:38.840 it's it's just you're in this point in relationship where 171 00:09:38.840 --> 00:09:42.720 you're like, I don't understand them or what we're doing 172 00:09:43.639 --> 00:09:47.600 and where we're going, and you're thinking, are we even 173 00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:51.480 remotely on the same page? And that's hard in any 174 00:09:51.559 --> 00:09:55.200 relationship because you have two people, and you have two histories, 175 00:09:55.600 --> 00:09:58.519 and you have two viewpoints and two sets of emotions 176 00:09:58.559 --> 00:10:01.799 and two life experiences, two very big sets of baggage 177 00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:04.320 that come along with that, and we're all bringing that 178 00:10:04.440 --> 00:10:07.240 together and try and merge that. You're trying to match 179 00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:09.840 your your baggage up, trying to match your luggage up, 180 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:10.960 which is even hard to do when you go on 181 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:15.799 a vacation. And a lot of times emotion, good or 182 00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:22.200 bad comes with secondary reactions. And anybody, any of you 183 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:27.559 guys who've taken a college psychology course or googled around 184 00:10:27.639 --> 00:10:30.559 you've googled around the interwebs about college stuff, knows that 185 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:35.039 there's primary emotions and there are secondary emotions, and the 186 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:43.919 primary ones, which generally are accepted as fear, sadness, interest, 187 00:10:44.679 --> 00:10:53.639 Anger Joy discussed shame and surprise. Is that eight one two, fear, sadness, 188 00:10:53.679 --> 00:10:56.360 interest Anger Joy discussed shame and surprise. 189 00:10:56.519 --> 00:10:56.919 That's eight. 190 00:10:57.559 --> 00:10:59.360 So some can quibble with that, and they're like, no 191 00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:00.679 either six, No, there's nine. 192 00:11:00.720 --> 00:11:01.519 We're gonna go with eight. 193 00:11:01.639 --> 00:11:03.759 You heard me a couple episodes to talk about Pluto's 194 00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:06.240 not a planet anymore. Pluto's a fucking planet. I'll die 195 00:11:06.279 --> 00:11:10.639 on that hill. So there's eight primary emotions. Of those eight, 196 00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:16.559 if you break them down, five are generally processed by 197 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:27.960 our brain as threats, as bad things, sadness, fear, anger, disgust. 198 00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:28.360 And shame. 199 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:32.919 So five to the eight even a sixth surprise that 200 00:11:32.960 --> 00:11:34.960 can be a bad That could be a bad thing too. 201 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.120 A bear jumps out surprise fucking threat sucks. So it's 202 00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:40.720 like five and a half of the eight are not 203 00:11:40.759 --> 00:11:43.440 necessarily good things of the way we're fundamentally wired. 204 00:11:43.480 --> 00:11:44.159 That's not good. 205 00:11:44.840 --> 00:11:47.120 So that leaves us with two and a half things 206 00:11:47.159 --> 00:11:49.879 that sort of have to overcome and bail out the 207 00:11:49.879 --> 00:11:50.799 five and a half that don't. 208 00:11:51.080 --> 00:11:53.240 Joy which is on that list. Joy is good. 209 00:11:53.759 --> 00:11:57.120 Interest is good because it piques your curiosity. Those are 210 00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:01.120 the possibilities. Joy and interest are the possibilities. That's where 211 00:12:01.159 --> 00:12:05.840 the hope lies. And surprise gets a half because sometimes 212 00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:09.639 it's a present, or a party or or a ring surprise. 213 00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:15.919 But mostly our emotions, all of our emotions are our 214 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:20.360 default is wired at best on guard and at worst 215 00:12:20.600 --> 00:12:22.039 fucking basket cases. 216 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:24.080 Okay, you know. 217 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:27.000 We're all sort of wired in a weird way that 218 00:12:27.159 --> 00:12:29.799 is like riddled with angst. And you say, wait, now 219 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:32.600 you're missing some What about jealousy, what about guilt? What 220 00:12:32.639 --> 00:12:37.240 about love? Well, those are secondary things. Jealousy comes usually 221 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:41.440 from a deep rooted place of anger. Why do they 222 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:42.000 have it. 223 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:47.440 When I don't. Why is it always her? Why can't 224 00:12:47.480 --> 00:12:47.879 it be me? 225 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:50.399 And that might start when you're four years old and 226 00:12:50.440 --> 00:12:53.080 your sister got the bigger room. You know, I don't know, 227 00:12:53.240 --> 00:12:56.080 but it comes from somewhere else. That leads to jealousy 228 00:12:56.360 --> 00:13:01.559 it's them, not me. And guilt it usually comes from shame. 229 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:08.480 I didn't feel worthy, I don't deserve this, I'm not 230 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:09.279 good enough. 231 00:13:10.840 --> 00:13:13.000 I wish I didn't do that. Why did that happen? 232 00:13:13.960 --> 00:13:16.000 Not good? None of those are good. 233 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:18.759 So then you're like, well, let's talk about love. Love 234 00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:24.799 is a fundamental feeling or a primary one, and you're like, 235 00:13:25.039 --> 00:13:27.960 and it's really not. And love is the hardest defined 236 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:31.879 because it's subjective and it's usually elusive unless you're, you know, 237 00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:34.799 throwing around like I love potato chips, you know, But 238 00:13:34.840 --> 00:13:37.039 if you're really getting to the essence of what love is, 239 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:43.159 it's hard. So you feel safe when you love, feel 240 00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:46.039 safe in the situation and hopefully in the environment and 241 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:50.279 preferbly with the person. And safe is what is absent 242 00:13:50.360 --> 00:13:53.200 about most of those five and a half bad things 243 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:57.320 that I talked about. Love, if it's done right, it 244 00:13:57.320 --> 00:14:00.759 won't make you angry. And love has few prizes. It's 245 00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:04.320 steady and love doesn't mean jealousy, and love won't bring 246 00:14:04.360 --> 00:14:10.039 you disgust or shame or sadness again hopefully, And you're like, Jesus, 247 00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:13.200 we have to take two people and try to analyze 248 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.399 sixteen emotions between us, and a total of eleven of 249 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:18.240 those are bad, five and a half from each. He 250 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:20.879 was eleven, o's are bad. No wonder we don't ever 251 00:14:20.919 --> 00:14:24.159 get together or it's rarely right. I don't understand how 252 00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:26.639 this can work, and you know, you can look at 253 00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:28.120 it as a good thing. We rarely get together or 254 00:14:28.120 --> 00:14:30.440 it's really right, because when you do then it means something. 255 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:33.720 But you're like, I don't understand how any of this 256 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:38.600 can work. But it does start there, and you're like, 257 00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:40.039 where did he go with all this? Because he talked 258 00:14:40.039 --> 00:14:43.200 about enough. This is before you get to enough, and 259 00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:46.279 this is how you avoid the downside of enough. You 260 00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:51.480 start with do I understand? And I bring up this 261 00:14:51.519 --> 00:14:56.200 psychology stuff and the knee jerk in reaction and relationship 262 00:14:56.360 --> 00:14:59.360 when it comes to our partner is to go down 263 00:14:59.399 --> 00:15:03.320 that road and try and analyze them. I'm gonna figure 264 00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:06.679 this out. I want to know what I'm dealing with here, 265 00:15:08.440 --> 00:15:10.840 and that's good and that's fine, and that's normal. But 266 00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:14.559 that's not your job, and that's not necessarily healthy. You're 267 00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:17.679 not a shrink and you shouldn't play shrink on your partner. 268 00:15:19.080 --> 00:15:20.759 It's just not who you are, nor should you be. 269 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:23.440 What you are trying to do, or what you should 270 00:15:23.519 --> 00:15:31.120 be trying to do, is understand, understand them, learn them, 271 00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:36.879 know them so long before you go down that road 272 00:15:36.919 --> 00:15:42.639 and you get to enough, you need to know and 273 00:15:42.759 --> 00:15:47.679 learn and understand what they do and like and need 274 00:15:47.799 --> 00:15:52.559 and what are their triggers. We have enough trouble understanding 275 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:55.360 our own triggers. It's important to try and figure out 276 00:15:55.399 --> 00:16:00.240 theirs too. Why do they raise their voice sometimes? Do 277 00:16:00.279 --> 00:16:03.799 they drink so much? Why do they fail to get 278 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:08.639 out of bed on time? Why do they get so jealous? 279 00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:12.080 So you have to try and again, not figure out, 280 00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:17.720 but understand what causes their fear. And it's not easy 281 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:19.759 to get at this stuff because the person you're trying 282 00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:21.879 to get it from doesn't know most of the time either. 283 00:16:23.080 --> 00:16:26.759 Most people have never done the deep work or found 284 00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:28.360 the right outlet or mechanism. 285 00:16:28.039 --> 00:16:30.799 To dig all this shit up because it's scary shit. 286 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:36.120 You know is the easy answer and the most likely answer. 287 00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:39.320 Does it all come from childhood? Sure, of course probably, 288 00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:42.399 But asking somebody where they grew up on a first 289 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:45.000 date or what they did for fun, you know that 290 00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:48.639 rarely answers your questions about what went on in the 291 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:51.720 you know, in their childhood that caused them to get 292 00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:57.159 to this point. But asking the questions that require you 293 00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.200 or them to go to the dark places that they're 294 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:05.039 trying to probably escape, that's no job for amateurs. And 295 00:17:05.480 --> 00:17:08.319 we're all sort of amateurs trying to figure this stuff out. 296 00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:10.640 So you know, I know you're listening to this and 297 00:17:10.680 --> 00:17:12.680 you're like, so, wait, are you telling us to break 298 00:17:12.759 --> 00:17:16.119 up or stay together? And I'm like, I'm telling you 299 00:17:16.119 --> 00:17:19.480 you need to take a look to try and understand 300 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:26.039 all of it, all three elements you, them and the 301 00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:31.599 relationship and know when to stay in it. And you 302 00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:33.640 got to know or at least try and figure out 303 00:17:33.759 --> 00:17:39.960 when it's worth working towards and most importantly no when 304 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:42.880 to pull the choote and get out, know when you 305 00:17:42.920 --> 00:17:48.240 have had enough, Because you can't make someone feel a 306 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:53.400 certain way or do a certain thing, but you can 307 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:57.559 try to understand why they feel a certain way. Or 308 00:17:57.640 --> 00:18:02.200 do a certain thing. You're just trying to understand. So 309 00:18:02.440 --> 00:18:05.920 what's the answer? And again, no expert, I'm not sure 310 00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:09.119 I have the answer, but I think before it gets 311 00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:14.039 to enough, you have to ask the questions. So you, 312 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:17.799 as their partner and as half of the relationship, you 313 00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:23.279 have to make them feel safe enough and judgment free 314 00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:28.200 enough and liberated enough with you to go down there 315 00:18:28.279 --> 00:18:30.400 to you know, take their hand and go down the 316 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:33.160 rabbit hole to find out what it is they're lacking 317 00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:36.880 or needing that prevents them from giving you what you 318 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:42.880 are wanting and needing. And you can say, well, if 319 00:18:42.920 --> 00:18:45.319 this relationship ever gets to the point where I've had enough, 320 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:47.559 well you know enough is enough and there was never 321 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:50.279 point in the first place. And that might be true too, 322 00:18:50.440 --> 00:18:55.799 but I'm trying to stop it from getting there. If 323 00:18:55.799 --> 00:18:58.519 it gets there, oh well say the words pack the bags, 324 00:18:58.559 --> 00:19:01.799 hit the road, onto the next But what can you 325 00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:06.200 do before enough? So don't ask them how I can 326 00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:10.319 help ask how stuff makes them feel, because usually the 327 00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:21.160 feeling will be one of those secondary emotions remorse, revenge, resentment, 328 00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:28.000 even relief. What is their outlet and why is that? 329 00:19:28.880 --> 00:19:31.119 Why do they do this or why do they say 330 00:19:31.160 --> 00:19:32.640 that or why do they feel this. 331 00:19:32.720 --> 00:19:34.400 When that happens. 332 00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:38.319 And that's about just curiosity and trying to understand what 333 00:19:38.359 --> 00:19:40.759 you're dealing with long before you get to the point 334 00:19:40.799 --> 00:19:43.960 where you're like, that's it. Check please, I'm out enough. 335 00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:47.440 So I produce a lot of podcasts for people besides 336 00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:47.799 this one. 337 00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:49.799 I don't even produce this one. I don't produce my own, 338 00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:53.039 but I produce others for people those who can't teach. 339 00:19:54.119 --> 00:19:58.960 And one thing I always tell the podcasters is that 340 00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:04.000 a great podcast comes from the intersection of passion and curiosity. 341 00:20:04.680 --> 00:20:09.359 It is It is rarely information that drives a good podcast. 342 00:20:09.359 --> 00:20:12.599 The information comes from those two things. The passion, the 343 00:20:12.599 --> 00:20:16.319 curiosity have a baby, and from that comes the information 344 00:20:17.160 --> 00:20:19.200 and the information that you want to get from your 345 00:20:19.240 --> 00:20:22.640 partner and out of the relationship is exactly the same. 346 00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:27.440 Do I want it to work? Do I care enough 347 00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:32.720 about them? Do I care enough about us? 348 00:20:33.480 --> 00:20:35.200 I do? I? Do I do? 349 00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:41.200 That's the passion the curiosity part. It's how can I 350 00:20:41.400 --> 00:20:44.960 learn them? How can we heal and be in a 351 00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:48.640 healthy place? How can I serve them? How can they 352 00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:52.960 serve me? And how can we best together serve this 353 00:20:52.960 --> 00:20:57.359 this thing we have the things we want. And we've 354 00:20:57.400 --> 00:21:01.720 done so many episodes about the importance of all of this, 355 00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:06.000 trying to find out the where why how? So you 356 00:21:06.119 --> 00:21:08.000 kind of have to start with asking all these things 357 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:11.680 of yourself before you were in a relationship, while you're 358 00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:13.920 in it, and after you were in it, Why did 359 00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:19.160 I think that? How come I acted this way? What 360 00:21:19.319 --> 00:21:21.039 do I do in this situation? 361 00:21:21.160 --> 00:21:21.359 And that? 362 00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:23.680 So everything you want to know of your partner is 363 00:21:23.759 --> 00:21:25.799 also everything you want to know of yourself. So it 364 00:21:25.799 --> 00:21:28.240 takes a little bit of self scouting and analysis here, 365 00:21:29.160 --> 00:21:30.839 and you need to know these things. You have to 366 00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:35.559 understand you before you understand them. I understand myself way 367 00:21:35.559 --> 00:21:37.480 better than I did fifteen years ago. Part of that 368 00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:40.000 was the help of the process of asking a lot 369 00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:41.359 of questions of myself and others. 370 00:21:41.359 --> 00:21:42.519 Part of that was some therapy. 371 00:21:43.119 --> 00:21:47.200 But does that make me a complete product? No, but 372 00:21:47.240 --> 00:21:51.759 I understand there's work to do, and even that probably 373 00:21:53.480 --> 00:21:55.960 of yourself. When you ask these questions and you try 374 00:21:55.960 --> 00:21:58.039 to understand yourself, you're going to lead to I have 375 00:21:58.200 --> 00:22:04.119 had enough of my behavior of making these choices, of 376 00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:07.240 missing out on opportunities because of this and that and 377 00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:11.000 the other, and mostly I have had enough of being unhappy. 378 00:22:11.559 --> 00:22:14.799 I have had enough of being alone. What causes me 379 00:22:14.920 --> 00:22:17.599 to feel this way? Why is the same thinking happening? 380 00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:19.640 Why is my reaction always the same? On and on 381 00:22:19.720 --> 00:22:22.279 and on. So when you do that, and you go 382 00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:25.559 down that road and you ask the questions and you 383 00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:29.079 get help with that, and you do all the work, 384 00:22:30.680 --> 00:22:33.039 then you can bring it to your partner and to 385 00:22:33.200 --> 00:22:35.279 the relationship you are either in or want to be. 386 00:22:35.960 --> 00:22:39.880 So to take this circuitous route back to where we started, 387 00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:44.920 I have had enough. Those words are important, but those 388 00:22:44.920 --> 00:22:47.799 words start with you. So you have to make the 389 00:22:47.880 --> 00:22:51.960 changes for you, and you have to decide what is 390 00:22:52.119 --> 00:23:00.440 right and missing and desired for you by you, and 391 00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:03.039 then move it to them and then bring it into 392 00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:06.240 this relationship. Can I get the answers? Will they make 393 00:23:06.279 --> 00:23:09.759 the changes? Do they even want to? And then you 394 00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:11.359 kind of get to the point where you're like, where 395 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:13.799 can we go? And do really really want to go there? 396 00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:17.160 And if not, then all the questions and the conversations 397 00:23:17.160 --> 00:23:20.000 and the answers you know that they're either fulfilling and 398 00:23:20.039 --> 00:23:26.119 they're healing, or you have your final solution. Four words, 399 00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:31.599 I have had enough. So are there some mixed messages 400 00:23:31.640 --> 00:23:33.599 in this and you're like, is that good or bad? 401 00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:37.720