WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:06.240 Hello everyone, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the 2 00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:10.560 Bible teaching ministry that's here to encourage and inspire you 3 00:00:10.839 --> 00:00:16.399 every day. And today we're continuing our series called Awesome Relationships. 4 00:00:16.679 --> 00:00:19.879 In it, Rick Warren shares practical ways to help you 5 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:24.879 take your relationships with family, friends, co workers, and even 6 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:29.839 God from ordinary to extraordinary. And this is a series 7 00:00:29.960 --> 00:00:32.840 you don't want to miss, all right, So let's get 8 00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:35.840 to Rick with part two of a message called fighting 9 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.359 for an Awesome Family. 10 00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:41.079 Second skill you have to learn in the family is 11 00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:44.840 how to handle conflict. And if you don't learn how 12 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:47.520 to handle conflict in your marriage or in your family, 13 00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:50.560 you're going to have problems in your marriage because you 14 00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:53.799 don't know. Nobody taught you the skills on how to 15 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:58.119 resolve and clarify conflict. And if kids don't see their 16 00:00:58.200 --> 00:01:01.840 parents working problem them out in front of them and 17 00:01:01.960 --> 00:01:03.880 showing how this is how we deal when we have 18 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:06.239 a difference, this is how we deal when we get hurt, 19 00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:08.439 how we deal with when we get mad. 20 00:01:09.079 --> 00:01:11.079 Then you have a problem with that. And what happens 21 00:01:11.120 --> 00:01:12.000 is most. 22 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:16.200 People in conflict, they become either a mute and a martyr, 23 00:01:16.480 --> 00:01:19.879 or they become a maniac. They either hold it in 24 00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:23.319 or they explode it. Everybody, if you don't learn how 25 00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:26.239 to deal with conflict, you tend to become a skunk 26 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:30.920 or a turtle. Now, Skunks, when they're upset, they let 27 00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:35.519 everybody know it. They just stink up the place and 28 00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:38.280 they spray, and everybody knows they're ticked off. 29 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:40.319 A turtle pulls. 30 00:01:39.959 --> 00:01:44.079 Into their shell and isolates and pulls back out of 31 00:01:44.120 --> 00:01:48.480 fear of conflict. Now here's the interesting thing. Skunks always 32 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:54.879 marry turtles. Don't look at them, but you know, one 33 00:01:54.920 --> 00:01:56.719 of you is a skunk and one of you is. 34 00:01:56.719 --> 00:02:00.359 A turtle in your marriage. All right, it's all. It's 35 00:02:00.359 --> 00:02:03.120 true in every single marriage. All right. 36 00:02:03.159 --> 00:02:05.000 One of you is the aggressor and one of you 37 00:02:05.079 --> 00:02:08.360 pulls back. And neither of these is the more godly approach. 38 00:02:09.319 --> 00:02:12.000 So neither of you get the higher upper ground morally. 39 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:16.919 They're both ineffective ways to deal with conflict. A third thing, 40 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:19.560 really big thing you have to learn in family is 41 00:02:19.639 --> 00:02:24.080 how to handle loss, because you're gonna have a lot 42 00:02:24.120 --> 00:02:27.479 of losses in life. You're gonna have big losses, you're 43 00:02:27.479 --> 00:02:30.520 gonna have small losses, and you've got to teach kids 44 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:34.879 and even parents have to learn how to grieve a 45 00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:40.280 loss because nobody wins all the time. In fact, for 46 00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:42.639 a kid to have an unbroken string of wins in 47 00:02:42.719 --> 00:02:46.319 early life with no losses is actually detrimental to them. 48 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:49.680 You don't want your kid to win all the time, 49 00:02:49.960 --> 00:02:52.159 because when they get out in the real world and 50 00:02:52.199 --> 00:02:55.199 they face the inevitable losses that they're not number one 51 00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:59.759 all the time, it's devastating if they haven't learned it. 52 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:04.159 Failure won't kill you. Failure won't destroy you. A loss 53 00:03:04.759 --> 00:03:08.759 won't be the end of your life. You don't win everything. 54 00:03:09.719 --> 00:03:13.159 It's like in a if you're a professional baseball team, 55 00:03:13.319 --> 00:03:16.080 it's actually good to have a few losses in pre 56 00:03:16.280 --> 00:03:20.960 season because then the pressure's off. What you don't want 57 00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:23.520 to do is have an unbroken season of all perfect 58 00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:26.879 wins and then lose in the super Bowl. 59 00:03:28.759 --> 00:03:29.360 That's the painful. 60 00:03:29.400 --> 00:03:30.840 If you're going to lose, you might as well lose 61 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:34.800 early in life and learn from it. And so we 62 00:03:34.919 --> 00:03:38.479 learn how to deal with losses, and we treat the 63 00:03:38.520 --> 00:03:41.800 losses of kids as big things so they can learn 64 00:03:41.800 --> 00:03:44.800 how to grieve. I remember when Matthew, my youngest, was 65 00:03:44.919 --> 00:03:48.159 quite young and he had a pet hamster named Wilson, 66 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:52.840 and Wilson died. Now, we didn't treat it and say, oh, 67 00:03:52.879 --> 00:03:54.800 he's just a hamster. Come on, I mean, really, it's 68 00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:55.919 just a glorified rat. 69 00:03:56.560 --> 00:04:00.000 You know, you know, you know we didn't. We didn't 70 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:02.199 he just poop puts. Oh you could get another one. 71 00:04:02.240 --> 00:04:05.639 I'll get you another one tomorrow. No, we treated it 72 00:04:05.800 --> 00:04:06.560 very seriously. 73 00:04:06.599 --> 00:04:10.800 We had a family funeral for Wilson, and we went 74 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:12.800 down into the canyon and we buried him in a 75 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.840 little box, and we all stood around and we each 76 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:18.120 had our little say of how much we loved Wilson, 77 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:21.399 and well, how much he meant to our family, and 78 00:04:22.680 --> 00:04:24.759 things like that. And what I was doing is I 79 00:04:24.839 --> 00:04:29.959 was teaching the kids the theology of grief, that it's 80 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:33.399 okay to express grief, it's okay to be sad. In fact, 81 00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:35.720 you're going to be sad many many times on life 82 00:04:35.800 --> 00:04:40.160 in much bigger ways. And so we don't demean it, 83 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:45.040 we don't dismiss it. We deal with the losses of life. 84 00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:48.079 You know, there's another board game that we played a 85 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:50.759 lot growing up. You know this one too. It's called 86 00:04:51.079 --> 00:04:55.120 Shoots and Ladders. How many remembers shoots and ladders. How 87 00:04:55.120 --> 00:04:59.079 many you have played shoots and ladders? Yeah, this is 88 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:04.720 a metaphor for life, friends, because life is a matter 89 00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:07.920 of shoots and ladders. You roll the dice and when 90 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:10.199 you hit a ladder, you get to go up, and 91 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:11.879 you roll the dice, and when you hit a shoot, 92 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:17.160 you go down. And that's the way life works. It's 93 00:05:17.240 --> 00:05:20.360 not all ups and downs. Now, one of the advantages 94 00:05:20.399 --> 00:05:24.279 of games like Shoots and ladders is because in games 95 00:05:24.279 --> 00:05:27.519 of chance, it puts adults on the exact same level 96 00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:31.120 as a kid. You don't have any advantage with your 97 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:35.560 college degree in playing shoots and ladders. Okay, it's just 98 00:05:35.639 --> 00:05:38.120 the roll of the dice. So you're no better than 99 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:41.120 a two year old at play in this game. And 100 00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:46.279 the fact is, in life, some things actually you take 101 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:50.480 you up and you're gonna have some real successes in life. 102 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:53.800 But don't get full of pride and don't get you know, 103 00:05:53.959 --> 00:05:56.560 full of ego, because on the next roll, you're gonna 104 00:05:56.600 --> 00:06:00.519 hit a shoot and you're going down. And sometimes you're 105 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:03.319 ahead of everybody else in the family, but in two 106 00:06:04.360 --> 00:06:07.319 roles you may be behind everybody else in the family. 107 00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:12.879 That's life. That's life. That's the way life is. 108 00:06:13.160 --> 00:06:16.079 And it's teaching kids how to have ups and downs, 109 00:06:16.199 --> 00:06:18.240 ups and downs in life and not. 110 00:06:18.240 --> 00:06:19.480 Get upset about it. 111 00:06:20.639 --> 00:06:23.839 A game like this teaches things like take your turn, 112 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:27.079 and some people never learn to take their turn. You 113 00:06:27.079 --> 00:06:32.000 can see them on the freeway. Okay, they're just cutting 114 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:34.759 off everybody else. It's not like take your turn in 115 00:06:34.839 --> 00:06:36.120 getting into that lane. 116 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:37.160 Okay. 117 00:06:37.519 --> 00:06:40.720 It teaches teamwork, but the main thing it teaches is 118 00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:45.720 how to win graciously and how losing won't destroy you. 119 00:06:46.839 --> 00:06:50.560 That is just a part of life. So that's one 120 00:06:50.600 --> 00:06:53.120 of the reasons the values of boards game is that 121 00:06:53.319 --> 00:06:56.600 teaches us how to handle losses. One of the verses 122 00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:59.199 you need to memorize. Whether you're a parent or not, 123 00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:02.199 every person should memorize this verse. Write it down. Proverbs 124 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:05.480 twenty four to sixteen. You need to teach this verse 125 00:07:05.519 --> 00:07:08.600 to your children. Proverbs twenty four to sixteen. It's one 126 00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:11.040 of my life verses. It says this here on the screen, 127 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.519 even if good people fall seven times, they'll get back 128 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:20.319 up again. I love that verse says even good people fall. 129 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:23.120 The word they're actually in Hebrew is the word righteous. 130 00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:25.879 It says, though a righteous man falls seven times, he 131 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:26.759 rises again. 132 00:07:27.480 --> 00:07:29.079 Even when good people fall. 133 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:32.040 You know what, even the best people, well intentioned people, 134 00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:34.720 they stumble, they mess up, they flub, they say the 135 00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:37.240 wrong thing, they do the wrong thing. We all fall, 136 00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:41.079 we all stumble, we all mess up, and when we fall, 137 00:07:41.240 --> 00:07:42.639 that's not the important thing. 138 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:43.800 It says. 139 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:47.480 Good people get back up again, even if they fall 140 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:51.439 seven times. That's the difference between a success and a failure. 141 00:07:51.800 --> 00:07:56.680 That Verse is talking about what psychologists call resilience. Resilience 142 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:00.439 is the most important characteristic for a child if they're 143 00:08:00.439 --> 00:08:05.319 going to succeed in life, resilience, do they have the ability. 144 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:06.199 To get back up again? 145 00:08:07.240 --> 00:08:09.360 They fall off the bike, see a lot of kids 146 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:13.680 learn I'm not even going to try because I stumbled once, 147 00:08:14.439 --> 00:08:17.759 so I give up. I went to one practice at 148 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:19.839 music and I didn't like it, so I'm just going 149 00:08:19.920 --> 00:08:23.399 to give up. I went to one game in soccer 150 00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:25.519 and I didn't like it. All right, I messed up. 151 00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:28.600 I embarrassed myself, So I'm going to give up. And 152 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:31.120 so people learn to give up, and then they spend 153 00:08:31.160 --> 00:08:34.360 the rest of their lives facing challenges and giving up. 154 00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:39.200 But in teaching a child resilience to keep on getting 155 00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:43.639 back up. Are the leaders of the world are people 156 00:08:43.639 --> 00:08:47.679 who have the most resilience. They're not any more successful. 157 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:50.759 They have just as many losses in life. It's just 158 00:08:50.919 --> 00:08:55.480 they don't give up and they are resilient. 159 00:08:56.039 --> 00:08:58.039 Shoots and ladders metaphor for life. 160 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:01.639 Number four. Fourth thing we learn from our families is 161 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:08.039 we learn what values matter most. What values matter most, 162 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:11.240 and you have to just help your kids know this 163 00:09:11.399 --> 00:09:16.159 is important and this is not now. Would you agree 164 00:09:16.559 --> 00:09:21.080 that the world is teaching our kids' values that aren't 165 00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:21.720 very good? 166 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:24.159 Ever? I agree with that one. 167 00:09:24.960 --> 00:09:27.519 All around us, the world is teaching our kids' values 168 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:30.559 that we don't agree with. The world teaches that all 169 00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:34.360 that matters is how you look. That image is everything 170 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:36.919 doesn't matter what your character is, it's how you look. 171 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:40.519 The world teaches that the more money you have, the 172 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:43.360 more important you are, the more successful, the more fulfilled 173 00:09:43.399 --> 00:09:46.000 you'll be, the more significant your life is. 174 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:49.879 That's not true. The world teaches is that everything is 175 00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:52.919 about sex. It's not. It's not. 176 00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:56.559 The world teaches that the more you can get people 177 00:09:56.639 --> 00:09:59.080 to praise you, the more valuable you are. 178 00:09:59.360 --> 00:10:00.320 That's true. 179 00:10:02.200 --> 00:10:05.320 And our kids are learning a lot of values from movies, 180 00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:11.080 from video games, from songs, from their friends, from alive culture, 181 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:15.240 all these things that aren't true. It's important to teach 182 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:18.519 our kids the three basic temptations of life. The only 183 00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:20.120 good thing you can say about Satan is he is 184 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:23.600 entirely predictable and he doesn't have any new temptations. There 185 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:26.759 are only three temptations. The Bible calls them the lust 186 00:10:26.799 --> 00:10:28.519 of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the 187 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:31.000 pride of life. It has to do with how I feel, 188 00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:35.480 what I do, and what I get in life. A 189 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:40.320 secularist or philosophy would call them hedonism, materialism, and secularism, 190 00:10:40.759 --> 00:10:44.279 but basically it's sex, salary, and status. It's basically saying 191 00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:47.879 life is about three things. Getting all the good things 192 00:10:47.879 --> 00:10:52.360 you can possessions, having all of the pleasure you want 193 00:10:52.440 --> 00:10:57.399 regardless of how it hurts other people. Passion and becoming 194 00:10:57.559 --> 00:11:02.360 important and having status position. These are the three temptations 195 00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:04.919 that Jesus went through, that Moses went through, that Adam 196 00:11:04.960 --> 00:11:07.000 went through. I could take you through the whole Bible 197 00:11:07.720 --> 00:11:11.559 and teaching our kids what these are so they can 198 00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:16.279 recognize false values that what matters most in life is sex, 199 00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:18.759 what matters most in life is money, and what matters 200 00:11:18.759 --> 00:11:21.639 most in life is power, prestige, and popularity. 201 00:11:21.759 --> 00:11:22.639 They're just not true. 202 00:11:24.200 --> 00:11:29.399 And every single advertising ever created by anybody appeals to 203 00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:32.960 one of these three temptations, every single one, every print ad, 204 00:11:33.240 --> 00:11:37.039 broadcast ad, TV ad appeals to the lust of the flesh, 205 00:11:37.080 --> 00:11:38.799 the lust of the eyes, of pride, of life. And 206 00:11:38.840 --> 00:11:41.399 the product says, you get our product, you'll be sensual, 207 00:11:41.480 --> 00:11:44.240 you'll feel good, you just have all kinds of pleasure 208 00:11:44.559 --> 00:11:49.000 inside of you. Or if you get our product, you'll 209 00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:52.720 be envied'll your number one. We do what's best for you, 210 00:11:52.759 --> 00:11:55.159 look out for number one. And they got to do 211 00:11:55.200 --> 00:11:58.840 what's best for me. And it's all about you. You, 212 00:11:58.840 --> 00:12:03.879 you or materialism. You need this product because it'll make 213 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:08.840 you significant, it'll make you important. You know, when my 214 00:12:08.919 --> 00:12:12.360 kids were little, I taught them these three values. I said, 215 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:14.440 these are the three values you're going to be up against, 216 00:12:14.519 --> 00:12:17.080 and none of them are true. And we would stand 217 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:20.039 in front of the TV and watch commercials and I 218 00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:22.440 would pay them a nickel for the one who could 219 00:12:22.440 --> 00:12:25.919 figure out which value was being promoted. 220 00:12:25.480 --> 00:12:26.120 By that ad. 221 00:12:27.159 --> 00:12:30.279 Lust the flash boom, here's a nickel. Now I realized 222 00:12:30.279 --> 00:12:37.399 that was a materialism, but at least they were learning 223 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:44.000 to spot what most kids and even adults except without question. 224 00:12:44.799 --> 00:12:48.240 We teach our kids the values that matter most. And 225 00:12:48.279 --> 00:12:51.000 the fifth thing we learn from our families is good habits. 226 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:56.559 Good habits habits are determine your character. In one of 227 00:12:56.600 --> 00:13:00.559 the interviews I did at Bloctober one, little kids, I said, 228 00:13:00.600 --> 00:13:03.200 what did you learn from your family? He said that 229 00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:06.480 manners make the man. He said, my dad tells me 230 00:13:06.519 --> 00:13:09.759 that all the time. Manners make the man. I thought, WHOA, 231 00:13:10.039 --> 00:13:14.679 I know CEOs who don't know that. They're mean, They're rude, 232 00:13:14.919 --> 00:13:17.639 they're bossy, they're pushy, their prima donnas. 233 00:13:17.799 --> 00:13:20.919 They don't know that manners make the man. 234 00:13:21.639 --> 00:13:23.840 I'm going that little kid knows more than that ceo 235 00:13:23.960 --> 00:13:30.159 does about the real issue of character. Now, if one 236 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:34.200 of the marks of an awesome family is that we 237 00:13:34.279 --> 00:13:37.679 help each other grow, how do you do that? How 238 00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:39.840 do you help mom grow? How do you help dad grow? 239 00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:41.679 How do you help brother and sister grow? How do 240 00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:44.919 you help your nephews grow and nieces grow? Well, let 241 00:13:44.919 --> 00:13:46.960 me give you two ways that help people grow in 242 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:49.759 two ways that don't. This applies in every area of life. 243 00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:53.240 Two ways that help people grow. Number one, we grow 244 00:13:53.360 --> 00:14:00.399 through example through example, Jesus did this and tea the 245 00:14:00.399 --> 00:14:04.879 disciples John thirteen. He says, since I have washed your feet, 246 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:09.120 which was a model of humility and service, it's an 247 00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:12.120 act of service. Since I've washed your feet, you ought 248 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:15.600 to wash each other's feet. I've given you an example 249 00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:19.039 to follow. Do as I've done to you. We learn 250 00:14:19.320 --> 00:14:21.639 best by example. Your kids don't want to hear a sermon, 251 00:14:21.679 --> 00:14:24.440 they want to see it. They want to see it 252 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:26.840 in your life. And second way we help people grow 253 00:14:27.039 --> 00:14:32.600 is through conversations, critical conversations. If you're not having conversations 254 00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:36.919 with your kids about real issues, they're not growing. We 255 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:41.320 grow through conversations. Unfortunately, most conversations we have with kids 256 00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:43.279 have to do with we need to get here by 257 00:14:43.320 --> 00:14:45.399 this time and get back to here by this time, 258 00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:50.200 and conversations are about schedule, eating, or homework, and no 259 00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:51.960 conversations about the stuff that. 260 00:14:51.919 --> 00:14:53.399 Really matters in life. 261 00:14:54.120 --> 00:14:57.440 Deuteronomy chapter six, verse seven is very specific and it 262 00:14:57.480 --> 00:15:03.039 says this to parents, you must teach God's commandment. 263 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:03.840 That's not an option. 264 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:09.320 You must teach God's commandments to your children and talk 265 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:13.200 about them. Circle that talk about them. That means conversations. 266 00:15:13.480 --> 00:15:17.399 You're to have conversations with your kids about the Bible, 267 00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:20.879 talk about them. And then it gives us four places 268 00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:23.120 to do this when you are at home. You might 269 00:15:23.159 --> 00:15:26.919 circle these four things when you are at home, when 270 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:27.399 you are. 271 00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:28.240 Out for a walk. 272 00:15:29.879 --> 00:15:34.720 The third time is at bedtime, and then number four 273 00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:38.360 the first thing in the morning breakfast. He's saying, these 274 00:15:38.559 --> 00:15:41.120 are the teachable moments of your family. 275 00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:44.320 When you're at home, when you're out for a walk. 276 00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:48.639 In other words, you're relaxing, recreation time, you're fishing, you're playing, 277 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:52.840 at bedtime, and first thing in the morning, the four 278 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:56.919 teachable moments. Now, friends, this is what God tells us 279 00:15:56.919 --> 00:16:00.519 to do, and this is why most families are not awesome. 280 00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:05.840 Those families aren't awesome, they're just average. And the reason 281 00:16:05.879 --> 00:16:07.679 they're average is because they don't do what God says. 282 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:10.559 God says, you need to talk about the things. 283 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:13.519 That are important at home, when you're. 284 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:16.000 Relaxing, when you're on vacation, when you're having a walk. 285 00:16:16.720 --> 00:16:19.320 You need to do it, at bedtime conversations, you need 286 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:21.200 to do breakfast conversations. 287 00:16:21.399 --> 00:16:21.679 He said. 288 00:16:21.720 --> 00:16:23.720 If you're not doing this, you're never gonna have an 289 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:24.480 awesome family. 290 00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:26.279 You're gonna have an average family. 291 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:31.000 So by example and by conversations are the two ways 292 00:16:31.159 --> 00:16:33.440 we help each other grow. You can help your wife 293 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:38.480 your husband grow through by example and through conversation. Let 294 00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:40.240 me tell you two ways that don't work, and it's 295 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:44.840 the ones we all use. Write these down not through criticism, 296 00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:51.200 not through criticizing. We think that being critical of someone 297 00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:52.559 will actually help them grow. 298 00:16:52.799 --> 00:16:56.320 It has never ever ever worked. 299 00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:03.879 Nagging doesn't work, condemning doesn't work. Criticizing and complaining doesn't work. 300 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:09.039 It is totally ineffective in helping a person change. Why 301 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:12.960 because when you criticize, your focusing on what you don't 302 00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:16.000 want rather than what you do want. 303 00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:17.680 For instance, if I'm. 304 00:17:17.480 --> 00:17:23.119 A professional pitching coach for the Angels or for any team, 305 00:17:24.599 --> 00:17:26.599 and I go out on an important game and I 306 00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:27.920 go out to the picture on the mountain, and I 307 00:17:27.960 --> 00:17:31.640 say the picture, whatever you do, don't throw a curveball. 308 00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:36.640 What have I just planted in his mind a picture 309 00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:39.559 of a curveball. I didn't give him a picture of 310 00:17:39.599 --> 00:17:41.759 the right thing to do. I gave him a picture 311 00:17:41.799 --> 00:17:43.960 of the wrong thing to do, and I told him 312 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:47.440 to focus on the wrong thing. And that's pretty much 313 00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:50.720 guarantee he's not going to do the right thing. When 314 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:54.119 you criticize a child, or your wife, or your husband 315 00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:57.640 or anybody else, they go, yeah, you're right. Criticizing just 316 00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:04.200 labels people. It reinforces negative It does not work. So 317 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:06.720 why are you so critical? Why are you so rough? 318 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:08.599 Why are you so tough on your kids? Why I 319 00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:10.400 want them to be tough. You're not making them tough. 320 00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:15.079 You're making them a failure. Through all your incessant criticizing, 321 00:18:15.359 --> 00:18:19.640 they never measure up. And at some point when it's 322 00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:22.640 criticism criticism, kid just goes, Okay, I give up. I 323 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:25.920 can't please my dad, I can't please my mom. I 324 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:28.319 just give up. And so let me just show you 325 00:18:28.359 --> 00:18:30.759 how lazy I can be. Let me show you how 326 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:33.559 late I can be. Let me show you how irresponsible 327 00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:38.279 I can be. I'll show you. And so it doesn't 328 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:43.920 work judging, criticizing, demean It didn't work on you. By 329 00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:46.920 the way, it doesn't work in preaching either, which is 330 00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:49.880 why I don't use it on you. I could get 331 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:52.039 up here every week and say, okay, let's talk about 332 00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:55.880 your sins this week. That'll be a four hour sermon. 333 00:18:57.759 --> 00:18:59.440 And I could get up here every week and tell 334 00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:01.000 you everything you're doing wrong. 335 00:19:01.079 --> 00:19:01.799 It doesn't work. 336 00:19:02.640 --> 00:19:05.240 Why Number one, you know what you're doing wrong, and 337 00:19:05.279 --> 00:19:08.279 me telling you about it isn't going to change it. 338 00:19:09.079 --> 00:19:12.759 You have to promote the positive alternative that's called repentance. 339 00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:16.559 Change your mind. Every one of my sermons are preaching 340 00:19:16.559 --> 00:19:19.839 for repentance. Repentance doesn't mean stop doing bad. It means 341 00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:24.279 start doing good. And that's what it's all about. So 342 00:19:24.759 --> 00:19:27.720 not do criticism. Look at what the Bible says. Ephesian 343 00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:32.960 six 's four to parents, don't keep on scolding and 344 00:19:33.079 --> 00:19:38.079 nagging your children doesn't work making them angry and resentful. Instead, 345 00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:42.079 bring them up with the loving training and teaching of 346 00:19:42.119 --> 00:19:46.319 the Lord. Another verse in the Bible, Colossians, chapter three, 347 00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:50.240 it says specifically to dad, says, Dad, don't be so hard. 348 00:19:50.039 --> 00:19:52.400 On your kids, you drive them to resentment. 349 00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:57.200 Says, don't keep demeaning them, don't keep criticizing them, don't 350 00:19:57.279 --> 00:19:59.599 keep judging them, don't keep telling them everything they're doing 351 00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:03.640 wrong that makes them angry and bitter. He says, that's 352 00:20:03.720 --> 00:20:07.400 dumb for a dad to do. Not to criticize it. 353 00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:09.200 And then there's another one that we use, and this 354 00:20:09.240 --> 00:20:12.240 one doesn't work either. We don't help people grow this way, 355 00:20:12.599 --> 00:20:19.240 not through comparing. Anytime you compare anybody to anybody else, 356 00:20:19.759 --> 00:20:20.279 you've made. 357 00:20:20.119 --> 00:20:21.640 A major mistake in life. 358 00:20:23.000 --> 00:20:26.240 Why Because everybody's unique, everybody's different. There's nobody in the 359 00:20:26.279 --> 00:20:31.359 world like you, so you are incomparable, and the Bible 360 00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.759 tells us not to compare. You should never compare your 361 00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:37.680 wife to anybody else. You should never compare your husband 362 00:20:37.720 --> 00:20:40.319 anybody else. You should never compare your lawn or your house, 363 00:20:40.440 --> 00:20:43.519 your job to anybody else. You certainly should never compare 364 00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:45.559 your kids. Why can't you be more like your brother? 365 00:20:46.599 --> 00:20:49.160 Why can't you be more like your mom? Why can't 366 00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:49.480 you be. 367 00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:50.279 More like your dad? 368 00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:53.799 I'll tell you why, because I'm not them, and neither 369 00:20:53.839 --> 00:21:00.400 are you. Comparing never never works, and when you do it, 370 00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:06.559 it's unhelpful, it's unfair, and it's lethal to any relationship. 371 00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:10.519 You start comparing your wife with somebody else, you're headed. 372 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:14.839 For divorce court. It's lethal. Just stop doing. 373 00:21:14.920 --> 00:21:17.279 The Bible says over and over again, you should never compare. 374 00:21:17.359 --> 00:21:21.240 Let me show you one verse Galatians six'. Four each 375 00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:24.039 person should judge his own. Actions let me be the 376 00:21:24.119 --> 00:21:29.160 judge of my own actions and not compare himself with. 377 00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:33.680 Others then he could be proud for what he himself has. 378 00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:35.440 Done he, said wait a, MINUTE i thought pride was a. 379 00:21:35.480 --> 00:21:37.799 Sin there's a good kind of pride and there's a 380 00:21:37.839 --> 00:21:40.440 bad kind of. Pride the good kind of pride, is, 381 00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:42.640 HEY i did the BEST i could with WHAT i. 382 00:21:42.680 --> 00:21:43.920 Had i'm proud of WHAT i. 383 00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:46.680 Did the bad kind of pride Is i'm better than 384 00:21:46.680 --> 00:21:47.319 so and so over. 385 00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:48.039 There that's. 386 00:21:48.279 --> 00:21:56.319 COMPARING i have a, justifiable legitimate pride in. YOU i 387 00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:59.160 Love Saddleback, church AND i love you BECAUSE i love 388 00:21:59.240 --> 00:22:01.799 What god has done doing through, you all the five 389 00:22:01.880 --> 00:22:05.000 hundred ministries in the, community all the things we're doing 390 00:22:05.039 --> 00:22:08.960 around the. World this church is unique in so many, 391 00:22:09.079 --> 00:22:13.440 ways in so many areas and giving in, commitment in, 392 00:22:13.559 --> 00:22:15.440 love in just the, things the. 393 00:22:15.440 --> 00:22:18.039 Impact that we. Make AND i am. 394 00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:21.079 Proud justifiably proud of, you and there's nothing wrong with. 395 00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:24.480 That what's wrong is IF i say we're better than another? 396 00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:26.599 Church does that make? 397 00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:33.240 Sense the MOMENT i, compare the pride becomes. Sin so 398 00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:36.680 you take pride in yourself for MAN i did with 399 00:22:36.759 --> 00:22:38.440 the Gifts god gave. ME i did the BEST i. 400 00:22:38.440 --> 00:22:40.559 COULD i feel pretty good about. That you can take 401 00:22:40.599 --> 00:22:44.279