WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.160 It was already creeping past ten when I finally shut 2 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:08.880 my laptop, the blue glow leaving thin lines burned against 3 00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:12.080 my retinas. I've been on back to back holsincey, trying 4 00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:15.359 unsuccessfully to line a client I didn't even want. Somewhere 5 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:17.640 in that blur of faces and sly decks, I lost 6 00:00:17.640 --> 00:00:20.280 track of Lauren's trivia and I only when I clicked 7 00:00:20.280 --> 00:00:22.800 open our shared Google calendar to schedule yet another meeting 8 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:25.039 did I notice a gap where those trivia or Nose 9 00:00:25.079 --> 00:00:28.079 all stars usually anchored the week. The entry, which has 10 00:00:28.079 --> 00:00:30.879 recurred loyal as the sun every Thursday for years, was 11 00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:33.119 just gone, a faint ghost in the past, deleted with 12 00:00:33.159 --> 00:00:36.159 no trace but a hollow space. I told myself it 13 00:00:36.200 --> 00:00:38.799 meant nothing. Maybe she forgot to add it back after 14 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:41.840 last week's ran out. Maybe after half a decade of 15 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:44.320 the same old East Side tap, even Lauren could get bored. 16 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:47.000 She'd said she was just not feeling it this week, 17 00:00:47.079 --> 00:00:49.600 that it was good to rest sometimes. But Lauren th 18 00:00:49.640 --> 00:00:52.039 ive on routine. Her calendar color coded so even brunch 19 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:55.520 had a category forest green for girls, blue for us. 20 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:58.719 I stared at the absence for too long, want me 21 00:00:58.759 --> 00:01:02.039 to call her I mumble, mostly to the empty living room. 22 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:05.159 Trivia is almost sacred for Lauren, one of those minor 23 00:01:05.239 --> 00:01:08.200 rituals couples end up designing together until they are indistinguishable 24 00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:11.000 from love itself. I missed those first spring nights, her 25 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:13.599 hand in mine after winds, a laughter echoing on Peachtree. 26 00:01:13.640 --> 00:01:16.000 Lauren's voice shrobe but triumphant as she recounted how she 27 00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:20.000 single handedly kept us from tanking geography. Lately, though trivia 28 00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:22.480 night's seen more social networking than gains a deeper circle, 29 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:25.519 I felt less and less like ours. She hadn't texted 30 00:01:25.519 --> 00:01:28.439 to night. Normally, she'd at least send a selfie of 31 00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:31.159 the team huddling or shot of craft beer. I picked 32 00:01:31.239 --> 00:01:33.239 up my phone and diled, hearing her answer on the 33 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:37.239 second ring, voice stretched too tight, Hey, she said, breathless, 34 00:01:37.239 --> 00:01:39.319 the sound of music and laughter muggy in the background. 35 00:01:39.879 --> 00:01:41.920 It was damply, cheerful, art official, as if she were 36 00:01:41.959 --> 00:01:44.879 imitating some one else's idea of fun. I'll good here, 37 00:01:44.959 --> 00:01:48.480 are you working late? Still at my desk? Water ride home? 38 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:51.799 I asked, trying to keep it light. I can swing 39 00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:53.680 by or just meet you somewhere if you're stuck in 40 00:01:53.719 --> 00:01:56.799 the rain. Oh no, don't worry, she cut in a 41 00:01:56.799 --> 00:02:00.319 little too quickly. Actually, I'm near by, just as with 42 00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:02.480 the usuals. Didn't want to bug you while you're slammed. 43 00:02:03.079 --> 00:02:05.400 She led a beat. Han, we wrapped up early to 44 00:02:05.480 --> 00:02:08.639 night anyway you focus o K. It sounded plausible, but 45 00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:11.639 off If they'd finished early, why was she still out? 46 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:15.319 Usually she'd be eager to debrief, complain about Meg's obsession 47 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:18.039 with obscure ninety sickcombs, or ask me which dessert I 48 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:21.360 wanted on her way home. This time she was deliberately vague. 49 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:24.479 The usuals meant trivia crew, but she didn't say names 50 00:02:25.159 --> 00:02:28.080 the background noise then she might have stepped outside or 51 00:02:28.159 --> 00:02:31.919 muted me. Save me a mini cupcake, I joked, but 52 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:35.599 she only laughed. The sund sharpened metallic shore babe, see 53 00:02:35.639 --> 00:02:38.080 you soon. When she got in an hour later, her 54 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:40.560 hair was slick from rain, skin glinting with city grime. 55 00:02:41.080 --> 00:02:43.319 She looked beautiful, as she always did when flushed from 56 00:02:43.319 --> 00:02:46.039 the Socia jungle, but the sad trailing after her was different. 57 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:49.080 I know her usual, a faint spring florl shampoo, the 58 00:02:49.080 --> 00:02:51.800 sitters of her dry shampoo. To night there was another 59 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:55.240 odre cologne, almost musky, faint but out of place. Not 60 00:02:55.400 --> 00:02:58.599 Meg Mick always wore that vanilla body spray. Maybe one 61 00:02:58.599 --> 00:03:01.120 of the guys was heavy handed. I let my eyes 62 00:03:01.159 --> 00:03:04.039 slip to the jacket draped over Lauren's folded arm, water dappled. 63 00:03:04.759 --> 00:03:07.240 It wasn't hers navy, too big even for her window layer, 64 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:09.800 A faded patch on the cuff. She smiled as she 65 00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:13.000 saw me looking though. I borrowed this from Meg, she said, 66 00:03:13.080 --> 00:03:15.879 tossing it on to the mill post down, poor hit. 67 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:17.759 As I left, she said I could bring it monday. 68 00:03:18.360 --> 00:03:20.319 She peeled off her boots, her bare feet pale on 69 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:24.120 the hall man Any dinner left? Yeah, I roasted these 70 00:03:24.120 --> 00:03:27.680 sweet tat as you like, perfect, she chirruped a little forest. 71 00:03:28.360 --> 00:03:30.159 It was late for her to eat, but she nibbled 72 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:32.919 and teased, scrolling through her phone under the table with 73 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:35.800 a show of energy, she recapped her boring rainy night, 74 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:39.000 horribly memorable trivia. No prize is the usual bar banter. 75 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:41.520 But I noticed her gaze clipped away from the wooden 76 00:03:41.560 --> 00:03:43.879 trivia box perch by the door, now collecting a faint 77 00:03:43.960 --> 00:03:46.680 layer of dust. She used to bring home every silly 78 00:03:46.719 --> 00:03:49.599 trink at the one, rubber ducks, plastic trophies, a sign 79 00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:52.800 poster from the Drag Queen host. Last spring, she'd line 80 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:55.919 them up, give each a story, laugh as she decorated shelves. 81 00:03:56.439 --> 00:03:59.599 Now they just sat untouched. I almost asked if everything 82 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:01.840 was okay, but instead I made her tea while she 83 00:04:01.879 --> 00:04:04.439 takes it under the table, her thumb moving fast, smile faint, 84 00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:08.639 she awn as she had it upstairs. I'll shower then bed. Okay. 85 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:11.560 Her perfume, the one I bought for a last anniversary, 86 00:04:11.639 --> 00:04:14.800 lingered on her neck. She only wore it for special occasions, 87 00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:19.160 dinner parties, work pitches, anniversaries. Trivia was never special enough. 88 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:22.399 I convince myself it's nothing that I'm reading too much 89 00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:25.680 into a busy week. Still, when she's gone, I checked 90 00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:28.319 the trivia box, remembering last August when she baked me 91 00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:30.399 to make room for yet another bubblehead, both of us 92 00:04:30.439 --> 00:04:33.920 nearly crying with laughter. Now it's just another dusty thing. 93 00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:36.240 I guess that's how it starts a moment that feels 94 00:04:36.279 --> 00:04:38.600 too thin to matter, but still keeps he from sleeping. 95 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:41.360 I've plenty of time to think about that emptiness over 96 00:04:41.399 --> 00:04:44.319 coffee the next morning Lauren's presence in the house oddly faint. 97 00:04:45.079 --> 00:04:47.480 She leaves early for a work meeting, promising to call 98 00:04:47.560 --> 00:04:49.959 after lunch. Her calendar is back to back, she says, 99 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:52.439 and she wants to land that crazy start of project. 100 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:55.199 I let myself get distracted by emails until the house 101 00:04:55.240 --> 00:04:57.600 grows quiet, but her energy seems to ham in the air, 102 00:04:57.720 --> 00:05:02.000 anxious and unfinished. Six isn't a short story. If you 103 00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:04.120 told someone at dinner party how we met, it had 104 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:07.160 sound overly simple, too ambitious. Young adults in Atlanta both 105 00:05:07.240 --> 00:05:09.319 knewis not just to the city, but to its possibilities. 106 00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:12.120 Colliding at a crowded indie books through downtown, I was 107 00:05:12.160 --> 00:05:14.319 looking for a book about the civil rights movement. She 108 00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:17.399 was hunting a collection of mid century design essays. We 109 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:19.560 bickered over the last copy of something neither of us 110 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:22.319 would finish and mound up swapping phone numbers whiles splitting 111 00:05:22.319 --> 00:05:24.879 a sticky barn at a bickery around the corner. Within 112 00:05:24.920 --> 00:05:27.279 three months, it felt as if our lives snack together 113 00:05:27.319 --> 00:05:30.000 by a secret language, quick text with inside jokes, city 114 00:05:30.040 --> 00:05:33.439 walking tours, sundays at farmers' markets, drinks that stretch into 115 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:37.160 brunch dinners, we cook together just because Lauren's anstey is 116 00:05:37.199 --> 00:05:39.800 what drew me, and she could be bracing, sometimes almost 117 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:42.560 surgical with her constructive criticism, but she was always kind. 118 00:05:43.240 --> 00:05:45.160 She looked into my eyes, laugh about my sweat of 119 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:47.639 being objectively hideous, and then fixed the callers so it 120 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:50.720 was at least presentable. That kind of open sincerity is 121 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:53.480 rare in a city that likes its secrets. We both 122 00:05:53.519 --> 00:05:55.720 got used to busy, my job as a marketing director 123 00:05:55.720 --> 00:05:58.000 for a ristless phintic firm, her hustle since founding her 124 00:05:58.040 --> 00:06:01.759 own interiors consultancy two years ago. Lauren could go without sleep, 125 00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.720 running design boards after midnight, fielding clients who wanted their 126 00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:08.600 entire lives overhouled in four weeks. Still, we held Thursday 127 00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:12.839 Trivia as untouchable, our friends envied to reliability. You two 128 00:06:12.839 --> 00:06:15.480 are like clockwork. Even when the world melts, you show up. 129 00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:17.560 Some one joked once at a bar, and Lauren grinned, 130 00:06:17.639 --> 00:06:20.360 squeezing my hand, saying, well, he never lets me flag 131 00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:23.279 on trivia. It was unmutual excuse to turn off eat 132 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:27.279 fried food debrief. Our weeks with Meg sometimes Chris, familiar 133 00:06:27.319 --> 00:06:31.040 faces swapped stories. Looking back, Maybe I should have paid 134 00:06:31.079 --> 00:06:33.639 more attention to what changed Among all those familiar faces. 135 00:06:34.120 --> 00:06:36.519 Our circles started to widen, and not just thanks to 136 00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:41.000 Lauren's work. There was Brian added just last season, charming, funny, quick, 137 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:43.839 with the trivia facts that always luded me. Lauren seemed 138 00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:46.160 to light up around him, but she lit up around everyone. 139 00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:50.079 He was harmless. I thought Meg was still her trivia partner, 140 00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:53.399 easy enough to talk to. Chris was my closest office friend. 141 00:06:53.399 --> 00:06:56.279 Part of our couple's routines we'd host in as. Lauren 142 00:06:56.399 --> 00:07:00.240 was meticulous about seating, charts, wine perrying's playless curation. Even 143 00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:03.160 for six I admired her loyalty. She turned down and 144 00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:06.120 out of state contract last year. The flant is home, 145 00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:08.639 So or are you? It wasn't just words. She made 146 00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:11.199 it clear she built this life for us. Our guest 147 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:13.680 room stacked with home design samples, the table where we'd 148 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:16.360 sketch future travel plans, the shaded back yard where she'd 149 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:18.120 read a lad from the new fiction books we'd open 150 00:07:18.199 --> 00:07:21.680 loan from our friends. The routines grounded me. If you 151 00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:24.519 saw us out, we looked happy. Maybe not the loudest, 152 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:27.480 but certainly the most in sync. Trivin Knights were my 153 00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:30.519 proof that things were still solid. No matter how spread 154 00:07:30.519 --> 00:07:32.519 she seemed by work or how many new scene friends 155 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.040 appeared at parties, she always came home with this story 156 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:38.680 about our team. She planned silly group costumes, hunted dancraft 157 00:07:38.680 --> 00:07:42.319 be as nobody else wanted, remembered every one's birthdays. Whenever 158 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:45.319 she said, let's never stop doing this, I believed her. 159 00:07:45.959 --> 00:07:49.639 So even small changes stick out the trivia box collecting dust, 160 00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:51.720 the skid Knights law and guarding her phone, or the 161 00:07:51.720 --> 00:07:54.240 way she started changing plans, not just once, but again 162 00:07:54.279 --> 00:07:57.720 and again. I told myself I was imagining it that 163 00:07:57.800 --> 00:08:00.319 every couple gets busy, that the Laura and I knew 164 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:03.160 was too honest for anything else. Then in the next 165 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:06.480 few weeks those changes did and faintly sharpened. I noticed 166 00:08:06.480 --> 00:08:08.879 first that Thursday came and went, and Laura never left 167 00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:11.319 for trivia, claiming a late work call yet. But I 168 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:14.079 walked past the kitchen, coming up stairted down below of laundry, 169 00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:16.040 I heard her on the phone, voice softened, not her 170 00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:20.319 business tone gigglin, the words blurred by the clatter of utensils, 171 00:08:20.360 --> 00:08:22.800 but the group text fread on her phone pop beside 172 00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:27.839 her wineglass reed trivia crue. Tonight came on, notifications bloomed. 173 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:30.480 She hung up as I entered a quick swide clearing 174 00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:34.559 her screen. Did you all we schedule? I asked, I 175 00:08:34.600 --> 00:08:38.320 can grab us Vietnamese? Oh no, baby, don't wait up, 176 00:08:38.360 --> 00:08:41.159 I'm having snacks here. Got to power through emails, she said, 177 00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:44.279 a little too fast, eyes on her laptop. The room 178 00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:47.720 smelled faintly of smoke, which was unusual for Lauren's mild cigarettes, 179 00:08:47.759 --> 00:08:49.799 more like some one else had stood by the open window. 180 00:08:50.360 --> 00:08:53.639 When she disappeared upstairs, I checked the trash, expecting the 181 00:08:53.720 --> 00:08:56.559 usual fruit rap. Is nothing, just coffee, grounds and tissues 182 00:08:57.279 --> 00:09:00.799 Saturday instead of our usual coffee with friends. Lauren biked off, 183 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:03.879 mumbling she kneeded downtime. That was so unlike her. She 184 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:06.919 must have seen my show. Surprise. She fixed it quickly. 185 00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:09.080 Too many late nights for clients. Sorry, can we make 186 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:11.879 it next week? Usually, she bounds out of bed to 187 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:14.360 read the paper. Takes Meg and Chris about brunch plan 188 00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:17.559 the weekend. Now, she retreated, a phone in hand, scrolling 189 00:09:17.559 --> 00:09:20.080 in silence. When I tried to coax or want me 190 00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:21.840 to make that lemon rick at of pancakes. You love 191 00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:24.919 she only smiled weakly. I've got a call at noon, babe. 192 00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:28.240 Later okay. I tried to ignore the acdolphob that came 193 00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:30.679 in when like a bruise, he can't explain. I felt 194 00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:33.799 childish and secure, even as Lauren acted affectionate at dusk, 195 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:35.759 curling her legs onto my lap as we washed a 196 00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:39.159 true crime documentary. She kept her foe near, glancing at 197 00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:42.759 near notification. She didn't show me when I pressed anything 198 00:09:42.759 --> 00:09:45.000 fun going on for trivia next week, she only changed 199 00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:47.879 the subject, launching into a story about a client's impossible taste. 200 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:49.840 How do you tell someone their teal acx and all 201 00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:52.279 looks like mould on a slice of cheddar? I left 202 00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:55.440 it there. I kept telling myself that I was being paranoid, 203 00:09:55.519 --> 00:09:58.039 inventorying her moods out of habit, not out of need. 204 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:01.879 We've both been busier than ever. Maybe Lauren just needed 205 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:05.120 another crowd, a little break from her own routines. She 206 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:08.679 deserved that. What mattered was she kept coming home, but 207 00:10:08.799 --> 00:10:13.039 the cracks widened. It started with little nudges. Lauren encouraged 208 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:15.080 me to get up more with Chris. Grab a drink, 209 00:10:15.200 --> 00:10:17.679 re live those college days. She said, with his slig grin. 210 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:21.200 The first few times, it seemed normal enough. She'd always 211 00:10:21.200 --> 00:10:23.200 liked an occasional night at home, a glass of wine, 212 00:10:23.279 --> 00:10:26.799 a design magazine, prepping for the next client. But one Thursday, 213 00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:28.799 when I realized I'd left my phone at home after 214 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:30.799 a rush meeting at the office, I turned back an 215 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:33.200 hour early half expecting to find Lauren hunched over her 216 00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:36.799 laptop protuped in bed. Instead, the faint thud of laughter 217 00:10:36.840 --> 00:10:38.799 from the backyard stopped me on the new porch step. 218 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:42.240 I saw them. Lauren, Meg and Brian clustered around the 219 00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:46.159 patio table, wine glasses already half empty. Briane's spoiled like 220 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:49.039 he owned the place. Feet propped on our bench. Lauren 221 00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:52.240 tossed her head back, laughing at something he'd whispered, not 222 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:54.559 noticing me until make cold Sam too loud, as if 223 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:57.440 covering something. I tried to act like this was normal. 224 00:10:58.080 --> 00:10:59.879 Didn't know we had a party, I joked, Sitting on 225 00:10:59.879 --> 00:11:02.919 the edge of the table, Meg smiled, glancing at Brian, 226 00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:06.279 who shot Laurena a looked quick, unreadable. Lauren invited us 227 00:11:06.279 --> 00:11:08.399 out back. Sorry he didn't mean to jump the fence. 228 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:11.440 Brian stood to shake my hand, his grip was firm 229 00:11:11.480 --> 00:11:13.159 his shirt now that I could smell at matching the 230 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:16.320 musquik alone from Lauren's jacket, dais ager. They climbed up 231 00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:19.000 a little as I joined conversation, lutching towards safe topics, 232 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:23.000 bad movies, traffic. Brian dominated the banter, make darted glances 233 00:11:23.039 --> 00:11:27.159 at us every time Laurence spoke. Brian's eyes lingered soften away, 234 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:29.639 I realized, too late, at once, reserved only for her. 235 00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:32.519 When Lauren leaned over to refill his glass and brushed 236 00:11:32.519 --> 00:11:35.360 his arm, it felt like a snare tightening. Meg changed 237 00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:37.639 the mood. It's getting late hot, too many cooks in 238 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:41.279 this kitchen, she grinned, though her tone was brittle. Soon after, 239 00:11:41.360 --> 00:11:44.120 they made awkward excuses to go, Brian claiming another stop 240 00:11:44.399 --> 00:11:47.960 make fussing about Eyuber's soad pricing. Lauren cleaned up in silence, 241 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:51.159 eyes on her hands. Sorry for the crowd, she said, 242 00:11:51.799 --> 00:11:54.159 Brian's dropping her off. It was spur of the moment. 243 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:57.120 No a big deal, I said, but insisted on doing 244 00:11:57.159 --> 00:11:59.960 the dishes. Later, I noticed Lauren had marked her in 245 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:02.159 time next weekend in the calendar as a design expo 246 00:12:02.360 --> 00:12:06.279 all day, both days, cross town. That was new, she 247 00:12:06.440 --> 00:12:08.519 usually invited me to pop by, or at least texted 248 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:12.200 photos of fun displays. This time, when I offered, she fidgeted, 249 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:15.000 did back to back meeting's babe, I'll be lucky if 250 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:17.480 I eat lunch. I'll bring you a swag tea. The 251 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:20.960 next afternoon, my phone pained a message for mech Hey, 252 00:12:21.000 --> 00:12:24.000 hope I'll get a home. For some reason, it felt loaded. 253 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:26.840 When I texted back, Why wouldn't it be? She went 254 00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:30.360 radio silent, returning only just checking in for the smiley 255 00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:33.759 unis curdled as I pulled up this man's credit card statement, 256 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.120 several charges I didn't recognize, for at a rooftop bar 257 00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:41.840 we'd visited once months back. Date of charge Thursday. Lauren 258 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:44.240 had told me she worked late. The total was too 259 00:12:44.279 --> 00:12:46.320 high for solo drinks. I asked Lauren about it over 260 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:50.080 take out, play casual follow that's art trivicrue. We went 261 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:52.039 out after for a round deer to group tab. I 262 00:12:52.120 --> 00:12:54.840 just grabbed it. She poked at her food, as darting 263 00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:58.360 to the window. Which night again, you said you worked late? 264 00:12:59.120 --> 00:13:00.960 Oh maybe it was for I can't keep the week 265 00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:05.080 straight lawn month. Sorry, she smiled. Let's curling as if 266 00:13:05.080 --> 00:13:07.879 I closed the topic. As winter tried to thaw, I 267 00:13:07.960 --> 00:13:09.960 noticed the trivia trophy was missing from the living room, 268 00:13:09.960 --> 00:13:12.159 the one Lauren once polished before friends came over a 269 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:15.279 silly best geographical fat plaque from two years ago. When 270 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:18.639 I joked upgrading your shelf, as she shrug spring cleaning 271 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:21.600 figures stuffy shelves on to good design vibe. I searched 272 00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:24.639 the usual closet. No sign could have gone in storage, 273 00:13:24.720 --> 00:13:28.000 I told myself. I suggested we host trivia friends soon. 274 00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:32.240 Lauren's answer was instant, cheerful, dismissive. Let's do a dinner 275 00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.919 for just us. We've been too social and you're always workingly. 276 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:38.360 The next day, Matt, and mutual friend who floated between 277 00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:40.200 my work and has social scenes, spotted me at a 278 00:13:40.200 --> 00:13:43.279 coffee shop. Is Lauren o kay missed her at trivia 279 00:13:43.320 --> 00:13:45.240 two weeks running. People are kind of bund It's not 280 00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:47.919 the same crew without her. There was something careful in 281 00:13:47.960 --> 00:13:50.799 his expression, a way he said it that invited more questions. 282 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:53.960 I tried to make light of it. Work's eating her alive, 283 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:56.639 that's all I said. But yet I'll pass it on. 284 00:13:57.279 --> 00:13:59.600 Lauren planned a sudden girl's night with make and too nearer. 285 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:02.200 A Quintin is leaving in one of her best dresses 286 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:05.039 and the puffume I bought for our fifth anniversary. She 287 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.120 hadn't won it in months, not for me, not even 288 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:10.639 for our last date. Want to use a car, I offered, 289 00:14:10.919 --> 00:14:12.799 watching her do her make up at the bedroom mirror. 290 00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:15.960 Can drop you off, pick you up, and now I'll 291 00:14:15.960 --> 00:14:19.120 lift The place is downtown Parking's a mess. She kissed 292 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:22.080 me on the forehead, absently, almost as if elsewhere. I 293 00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:24.879 washed her leave, still brushing her smooth fuone already pressed 294 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:27.840 to her cheek. When she returned after midnight, she was 295 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:29.679 bright eyed, flush cheet, the scent of gin and a 296 00:14:29.720 --> 00:14:32.480 trace of the unfamiliar cologne mixing as she tossed her coat, 297 00:14:32.559 --> 00:14:35.519 humming in her pocket. Later, as I did laundry, I 298 00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:38.240 found a fold of a seat handreton two cocktails and dinner, 299 00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:41.559 signed with the last name, unmistakably Brian's sloping hand. I 300 00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:45.279 waited for Lauren to mention it. She didn't. I started 301 00:14:45.320 --> 00:14:48.519 noticing how when I press Lauren's circle of friends for details, joking, 302 00:14:48.679 --> 00:14:52.559 trying to sound casual conversations, butun off course Meghan particular 303 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:55.279 scene nervos shifting topics of asked whether she and Lorna 304 00:14:55.320 --> 00:14:58.799 had stayed out late or who else joined the bar gathering. Chris, 305 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.759 when I brought up Brian, only smiled tightly, muttering he's 306 00:15:01.799 --> 00:15:04.840 an interesting character, before turning to talk about work. The 307 00:15:04.879 --> 00:15:08.600 distance yawned wider. Lauren's phone became a fixture in the bathroom, 308 00:15:08.679 --> 00:15:12.240 her notifications dimmed but ever present. When I tried plafully 309 00:15:12.279 --> 00:15:14.159 to steal her phone for a music request at dinner, 310 00:15:14.200 --> 00:15:16.480 she recalled a just let me look, babe, it's got 311 00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:19.519 my playlist in a weird folding. Now I felt isolated, 312 00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:22.000 as if every social bond we built was subtly repelling me, 313 00:15:22.120 --> 00:15:25.159 closing ranks and ways. I couldn't see the old trivitine 314 00:15:25.240 --> 00:15:27.759 chat once a riot of memes and plans went cold 315 00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:30.480 on my side. Lawrence seemed to keep her phone glued 316 00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:32.960 to her while cooking, texting rapid fire, and smiling at 317 00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:35.480 her screen, Yet whenever I came close, she'd flip it 318 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:38.840 face down, all too casual. One morning, as I let 319 00:15:38.840 --> 00:15:40.600 the dog out into the back yard, I saw fresh 320 00:15:40.600 --> 00:15:43.240 cigarette butts clustered behind the hydrange of bush menthals, not 321 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:46.279 the brand, Lawrence mockd that same thing lone han in 322 00:15:46.279 --> 00:15:48.480 the cold air, the memory of Brian's handschick from the 323 00:15:48.519 --> 00:15:51.759 backy party prickled under my skin. It became the backdrop 324 00:15:51.799 --> 00:15:54.639 for every moment. Lauren's explanations didn't align with my reality. 325 00:15:55.279 --> 00:15:57.440 Weak nights, She'd have to work late, but arrive with 326 00:15:57.519 --> 00:16:00.919 perfectly applied lipstick, telling stories about fuss client, but unable 327 00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:03.320 to recall the latest project codes. When I pressed innocently, 328 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:06.759 she blocked off yet another entire Saturday for supposed design 329 00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:09.559 saw scouting trip. Yet when I later texted, Meg replied, 330 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:12.320 I thought Lauren was with you to day my jo Clynch. 331 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.000 But I told myself there must be an explanation. There 332 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:17.320 were too many evenings Lauren encouraged me to be out, 333 00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:20.919 too many just girls nights, too many odd silences. When 334 00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:22.919 she was home, she peppered me with affection, as though 335 00:16:22.960 --> 00:16:26.320 overcompensating for something. One night, she joined me on the couch, 336 00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:29.759 almost clinging, talking about resetting our routines, planning a weekend 337 00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:33.440 tript AshEL Together for a few days, things eased, I 338 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:36.639 convinced myself she'd just been overwhelmed that Brian was a 339 00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:39.960 phase of friend, nothing more. But then Chris, stopping by 340 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.840 my office, shouted that short piece. He lingered in my 341 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:46.039 doorway after everyone else headed out. Saw Lauren at the 342 00:16:46.120 --> 00:16:48.720 rooftop ball last Thursday. He said, casual, as if it 343 00:16:48.759 --> 00:16:51.600 barely mattered. She looked good, was with that brin guy 344 00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:54.240 from her trivia right, look cozy after midnight? You stay 345 00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:58.759 out too, I swallow, masking surprise. No, I had a deadline. 346 00:16:58.759 --> 00:17:02.639 She said it was all business. Humph. Chris's look was careful. 347 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:05.680 Guess it was a fun business dinner anyway, got a 348 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:09.160 sack for lunch. It could have meant anything, But Lauren 349 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:12.200 told me she'd been home before ten alone. I felt 350 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:15.160 the floor shift under my feet. I wanted to trust Lauren, 351 00:17:15.240 --> 00:17:18.279 but the facts no longer fit together. The calendar holes, 352 00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:22.759 the missing trivie routines, the careful silences. I started questioning myself. 353 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:26.480 Was I seeing patterns that didn't exist? Was I unreasonably 354 00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:29.640 jealous or just finally noticing what every one else already saw. 355 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:32.400 I tried to remind myself of all the years Lauren 356 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:34.720 was the one I could rely on for raw, sometimes 357 00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:37.839 difficult honesty, the one who told me after our third 358 00:17:37.880 --> 00:17:40.119 date after we both admitted to messy break ups and 359 00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:42.279 too many secrets in the past. That should never keep 360 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:45.440 anything hidden, no matter how painful. We're only as strong 361 00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:47.640 as what we share it right, She'd whispered into my ear, 362 00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:51.000 convincing me that real, no bushel love was possible. But 363 00:17:51.079 --> 00:17:53.200 what if sharing had become the casualty of her ambition 364 00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:56.039 or of whatever connected her to Brian that I couldn't name. 365 00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:58.880 Not yet it came to a head to following Thursday, 366 00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:02.519 just before midnight, I'd spend the evening pacing between half 367 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:06.000 hearted emails and scrolling through Lauren's muted Instagram posts, searching 368 00:18:06.039 --> 00:18:08.799 for any clue that wasn't there. She came home, tired, 369 00:18:08.920 --> 00:18:11.359 as if beyond conversation, her eyes guarded above a two 370 00:18:11.400 --> 00:18:14.359 bright smile. I took a breath, held up the crumpled 371 00:18:14.359 --> 00:18:16.839 receipt I'd found in her coat, and asked, decent cocktails 372 00:18:16.839 --> 00:18:20.279 at Skylange. You signed for two? She paused just long enough. 373 00:18:20.960 --> 00:18:23.359 Oh that that was weeks ago, she said, a little 374 00:18:23.400 --> 00:18:26.319 too careful. Bryan paid me back. It was a group 375 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:29.000 thing after trivia. We laugh. Really, you told me you 376 00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:31.000 stayed at the studio late. Wasn't that the night your 377 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:34.720 presentation crashed. She pinched the bridge of her nose. It's 378 00:18:34.759 --> 00:18:36.720 all blurring together at Sam, I've had so much one 379 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.559 at work, I can barely keep date straight. She leaned 380 00:18:39.559 --> 00:18:42.839 in as if making a confession. Honestly, I'm embarrassed. I 381 00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:44.880 didn't want to say, but my business is it's hit 382 00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:46.839 a rough patch. Bryane offered to introduce me to some 383 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:49.680 potential investors. We met twice to talk option. I kept 384 00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:51.400 it to myself in case it flopped. I didn't want 385 00:18:51.440 --> 00:18:53.799 you to worry if nothing came of it. I wanted 386 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:57.839 to believe her. She looked worn, real eyes shining with tension. 387 00:18:58.400 --> 00:19:02.240 So that why you haven't been at trivia, I asked softly. Yeah, 388 00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:04.839 and honestly, I felt it disconnected from the group, like 389 00:19:04.880 --> 00:19:06.640 I was letting everyone down. If I showed up so 390 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:10.559 distracted the Thursday trivia thing, it started feeling force. She 391 00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:13.720 reached for my hand. I'm so sorry for hiding it, Sam, 392 00:19:13.799 --> 00:19:16.240 I should have told you there is absolutely nothing between 393 00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:18.559 me and Briangard. No, it's been business, and I was 394 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:21.880 ashamed to admit my firm's hurting. She looked up at me, waiting. 395 00:19:22.440 --> 00:19:26.240 I hesitated, then nodded, feeling both relieving guilty. You can 396 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:29.599 tell me anything. YE know that she squeezed my hand. 397 00:19:30.359 --> 00:19:32.200 I do, I know I screwed out. I want us 398 00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.680 to get past this. The relief in her voice was 399 00:19:34.680 --> 00:19:38.599 almost real. For a few days, things improved. Lauren left 400 00:19:38.599 --> 00:19:40.400 her phone on the table, planned a date night for us, 401 00:19:40.440 --> 00:19:44.039