WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:10.080 on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall 4 00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:14.080 Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 5 00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:18.440 iHeartRadio App. Okay, we are near the new year. It's 6 00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:22.920 a nice time to talk about New Year's resolutions, changing 7 00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:27.079 our health habits, finding a way. So Producer Cayle, have 8 00:00:27.079 --> 00:00:30.120 you thought about your nerves resolutions yet? No? I think 9 00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:33.039 I'm over New Year's resolutions, Doctor Wendy, Well for me. 10 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:36.880 You know, I started, I want to say, right after 11 00:00:36.920 --> 00:00:40.520 Thanksgiving on a bit of a fitness kick after an 12 00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:43.439 acquaintance of mine passed away suddenly of heart disease, and 13 00:00:43.479 --> 00:00:46.320 I was just like, okay, got to get back and shape. 14 00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:49.200 So I've been doing Orange Theory and then on alternate days, 15 00:00:49.240 --> 00:00:54.679 I've been doing Lagree Studio Mdr Pilates, and I've been 16 00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:59.840 using an app to calculate all my food every day Andy, 17 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:01.960 And let me tell you I have learned there are 18 00:01:01.960 --> 00:01:05.760 a lot of calories and alcohol. That's what I've learned. 19 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:09.519 So the app will show me every day how much protein, 20 00:01:09.719 --> 00:01:13.480 how much fat, how much carbohydrate, and how much total calories, 21 00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:16.480 and then you put in like your exercise and estimate 22 00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:18.959 how much you burn. And so every day I'm like 23 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:22.599 monitoring it. Did you know there's research to show that 24 00:01:22.640 --> 00:01:27.599 if all we do is monitor our intake, out, take 25 00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:31.319 activity level, record it in some way, no matter what, 26 00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:34.359 it all works to make us healthier. Like, in other words, 27 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:36.799 if you went on the chocolate chip cookie diet and 28 00:01:36.840 --> 00:01:39.200 all you ate was chocolate chip cookies, just the fact 29 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:41.599 that you're more aware of your eating means you're going 30 00:01:41.680 --> 00:01:45.959 to eat less. So becoming aware, attuned, and mindful of 31 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:49.439 health is the first step. But I want to remind 32 00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:53.200 everybody that we are walking around in an ancient brain 33 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:56.519 of hunters and gatherers who spend a whole lot of 34 00:01:56.519 --> 00:02:01.200 time starving and trying to find food. Or the things 35 00:02:01.239 --> 00:02:05.159 we enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, being a couch potato are 36 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:08.479 actually pleasurable to us because they can serve energy and 37 00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:11.840 they're linked to survival. On the other hand, high activity 38 00:02:12.360 --> 00:02:16.439 burns calories, which is linked to less survival. Right, So, 39 00:02:16.599 --> 00:02:19.520 having said this, there is so much research to support 40 00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:23.280 this idea that willpower doesn't work. You can't have an 41 00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:26.280 idea and say I'm gonna do this. And one of 42 00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:28.560 the reasons why, I'm using an app to monitor everything, 43 00:02:28.599 --> 00:02:30.199 And yes it takes time. Every time I sit down 44 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:32.960 to eat, I gotta plunk it into the app and whatever. 45 00:02:33.120 --> 00:02:35.199 It's actually cool app. I use app to be called 46 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:39.319 some carb carb monitor or something carb maker, carb whatever. 47 00:02:39.879 --> 00:02:42.599 But you just shine your camera on any barcode of 48 00:02:42.639 --> 00:02:44.840 any food and it automatically tells you what's in it 49 00:02:44.879 --> 00:02:48.840 and adds it to your thing anyway, So forget all 50 00:02:48.879 --> 00:02:52.199 this willpower. Here's what you need to do if you 51 00:02:52.319 --> 00:02:55.520 want your New Year's resolutions to actually work and change. 52 00:02:55.960 --> 00:02:59.240 Number one, do not try to change everything at once. 53 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:03.960 Change one behavior at a time, one at a time, 54 00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:06.960 because here's the thing about the psychology of change. Once 55 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:10.719 you accomplish that, it generalizes to the next behavior you 56 00:03:10.759 --> 00:03:13.840 want to change. So work on. Although I do want 57 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:17.199 to say eating and exercise are intrinsically combined. If you're 58 00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:19.439 going to still continue to eat like it's still the 59 00:03:19.479 --> 00:03:22.400 holidays and go to the gym and think, oh, it'll 60 00:03:22.400 --> 00:03:25.560 be fine, it's so much easier to work together. Right, 61 00:03:26.120 --> 00:03:30.560 eat less sugar, less carbohydrate, more healthy fats, more healthy protein, 62 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:32.199 and then get out there and work out. Then you're 63 00:03:32.199 --> 00:03:34.360 building muscle. Right, you kind of got to do those two, 64 00:03:34.560 --> 00:03:37.000 but basically one behavior out of time. So don't try 65 00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:41.639 to quit smoking, quit drinking, get your finances order, and 66 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:44.759 lose weight all at once. Too much, too much. Now 67 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:47.280 here's the thing about habits. Everything's a habit for us. 68 00:03:47.719 --> 00:03:50.560 In order to change a habit, you don't want to 69 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:52.599 actually will power go. I'm not going to do that. 70 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:54.479 Let's say it's a bad habit you want to get 71 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:57.240 rid of. Let's use the example of smoking or vaping 72 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:00.960 or what have you. You have to choose the anticidant, 73 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:03.680 the thing that comes first, the trigger right of your habit. 74 00:04:04.120 --> 00:04:07.560 So let's say you come home from work and the 75 00:04:07.599 --> 00:04:10.360 first thing you do is sit in your most comfortable 76 00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:14.879 chair and you know, grab your cigarette, your vape or whatever, 77 00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:17.279 electronics say, whatever you do. And you sit there and 78 00:04:17.319 --> 00:04:20.319 maybe you swipe through your emails, or you Netflix or 79 00:04:20.600 --> 00:04:23.199 or you yeah, I don't know, you two, you do 80 00:04:23.279 --> 00:04:25.079 some little gaming or whatever. It's just sort of your 81 00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:30.199 decompressing time after work. Well, a behavioral therapist would say, 82 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.279 the very first thing you need to do is change 83 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.560 all the furniture in your living room so that when 84 00:04:36.600 --> 00:04:38.560 you come in, you can't just plunk down in your chair. 85 00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:40.199 You have to stop and think, oh, it's over here now, 86 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:42.800 and that alone will trigger oh wait, sitting in that 87 00:04:42.920 --> 00:04:46.199 chair is connected with lighting up. Then you have to 88 00:04:46.199 --> 00:04:49.759 think of a replacement behavior. So maybe you've decided ahead 89 00:04:49.800 --> 00:04:53.399 of time, okay, instead of sitting down that chair and 90 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:57.199 having that smoke, I am going to immediately go upstairs 91 00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:00.199 in my room and change into workout stuff because I'm 92 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:02.279 going to be going for a walk or a run whatever. 93 00:05:02.360 --> 00:05:05.680 But you literally have to catch yourself before you do 94 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:09.600 the behavior and then replace it that that new trigger 95 00:05:10.079 --> 00:05:13.720 with a new behavior. Now here's the other flaw that 96 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:17.120 people have when they try to change their bad habits 97 00:05:17.800 --> 00:05:19.920 is they think if they fall off the wagon, it's 98 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:23.120 all over. Right. On the other hand, you have to 99 00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:27.399 plan for setbacks because change is about moving forward, slipping back, 100 00:05:27.480 --> 00:05:30.560 moving forward slipping back right, So you have to plan 101 00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:32.920 for those setbacks, and you have to have a strategy 102 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:36.480 of what you're going to do when the setback happens. So, 103 00:05:37.439 --> 00:05:40.560 for instance, I told you I've been monitoring my you know, 104 00:05:40.680 --> 00:05:44.240 and carefully me my wait and with the app and exercising. 105 00:05:44.759 --> 00:05:48.800 But recently, my sweet Julio and I had a date 106 00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:52.399 night and we went to a nice restaurant, a Michelin 107 00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:54.439 starred restaurant, Hatchet Hall. I don't know if you've ever 108 00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:57.600 been there in Culver City. It's fabulous. And so this 109 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:00.480 is not a night where you're supposed to count calories, protein, fat. 110 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:03.839 It's date night. You're gonna order a fancy cocktail, at 111 00:06:03.879 --> 00:06:09.680 least I did, and things like short ribs with grits, 112 00:06:10.079 --> 00:06:13.000 turkey meat loaf with mashed potatoes, but done gourmet style. 113 00:06:13.160 --> 00:06:15.000 And we did have some salads. I'm just gonna say. 114 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:17.720 He ordered some interesting banana pudding with cookies in it 115 00:06:17.720 --> 00:06:20.399 for dessert that was gourmet and fabulous. Okay, I had 116 00:06:20.439 --> 00:06:23.600 a bite. So the point is I came home and 117 00:06:23.639 --> 00:06:25.800 I opened my oh it's called carb Manager, my app, 118 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:28.399 my carb Manager app, and I thought, you know what, 119 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:32.079 I could spend forever filling in all those things that 120 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:35.079 say that I went way over on everything, and I 121 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:38.079 could feel bad about myself, or I could say this 122 00:06:38.240 --> 00:06:41.160 was a small setback. So here's my strategy for repair. 123 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:44.319 I'm going to add two hours to my intermittent fasting. 124 00:06:44.920 --> 00:06:47.959 So I've been doing usually twelve to fourteen hours a 125 00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:50.759 day because you know, they're two ways to get your 126 00:06:50.759 --> 00:06:53.519 pancreas to give enough insulin. One is you give it 127 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:55.759 less carbohydrate and sugar, and the other is you stretch 128 00:06:55.800 --> 00:06:57.680 out more time in between it so it has time 129 00:06:57.720 --> 00:07:01.319 to think. That's the whole process behind intermitting. So I 130 00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:04.800 waited till noon the next day before I allowed myself 131 00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:07.680 a morsel of anything, and why not, it's all the problem. 132 00:07:08.040 --> 00:07:10.319 Then I started again listing it. So that's how I 133 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:15.079 prepared for a setback. Also set up a logical reward 134 00:07:15.800 --> 00:07:19.360 system and schedule something that makes sense. So for instance, 135 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:22.639 in the new year, when I get to it's not 136 00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:24.519 that much weight that I'm losing, it's just that I'm 137 00:07:24.519 --> 00:07:26.360 shifting it around, is what I'm doing. I don't have 138 00:07:26.439 --> 00:07:29.360 much to lose. But when my stomach is as flat 139 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:32.600 as I want it to be, I am going to Lululemon. 140 00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:36.279 I actually I really like Beyond Yoga lately. They're really good, 141 00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:40.000 and I am just going to buy the best new 142 00:07:40.120 --> 00:07:43.759 exercise outfit. See that's a logical reward because then I 143 00:07:43.759 --> 00:07:45.519 want to wear it when I go to the gym. 144 00:07:46.079 --> 00:07:48.160 I also want to tell everybody that there is science 145 00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:53.519 behind this. It takes sixty six days to create a 146 00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:56.639 new habit. So if I started my new habits right 147 00:07:56.680 --> 00:08:01.000 after Thanksgiving, it will be probably the end of January 148 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:03.560 before I've done my sixty six days. Why don't you 149 00:08:03.639 --> 00:08:05.959 think about it so much? So tell yourself You're going 150 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:09.439 to monitor this behavior for sixty six days and then 151 00:08:09.480 --> 00:08:13.079 it becomes the new way of being your new habit, right, 152 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:18.120 all right? When we come back, do you are you 153 00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:22.040 plagued by thoughts of your ex and you're reliving old 154 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:24.240 relationships in your head like I should have, would have? Coulda? 155 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:27.720 Or what happened there? Or because you broke up? You're 156 00:08:27.759 --> 00:08:31.920 making everything about the whole relationship bad. When we come back, 157 00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:36.360 let's talk about a theory called the peak end theory 158 00:08:36.519 --> 00:08:40.759 in relationships and how we can reframe our past relationships 159 00:08:40.759 --> 00:08:44.000 so that we have a healthier perspective of our role 160 00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:47.000 and the other person's role in them. You're listening to 161 00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:49.919 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty. 162 00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:52.360 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 163 00:08:53.480 --> 00:08:57.720 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 164 00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:01.600 AM six forty. 165 00:09:00.360 --> 00:09:03.279 Welcome back to the Doctor Readywall Show on KFI AM 166 00:09:03.320 --> 00:09:09.600 six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, I'm 167 00:09:09.639 --> 00:09:12.200 one of these people. I just have to explain where 168 00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:15.639 when I have an ex boyfriend. You know, there's some 169 00:09:15.679 --> 00:09:18.639 people who stay friends with their exes. They just sort 170 00:09:18.679 --> 00:09:22.000 of morphs, you know, after a time of no contact, 171 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:25.879 they somehow morph into a friendship. I've always said that 172 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:28.480 if you're able to stay friends with an ex, you 173 00:09:28.519 --> 00:09:30.960 were never like passionate in the first place, Like you 174 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:33.759 never really had intimacy because something about that breakup, like 175 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:36.279 you just can't go back. I don't know. So you 176 00:09:36.279 --> 00:09:39.799 can analyze me, probably my therapist should analyze me. But 177 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.919 I am not friends with any of my exes. I 178 00:09:41.960 --> 00:09:45.279 don't necessarily hate them, but I just kind of avoid them, right, 179 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:50.399 they're not really So I want to explain that when 180 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:55.480 you look back at a relationship, sometimes you trick your 181 00:09:55.519 --> 00:10:00.399 brain because there might be one thing that was maybe 182 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:03.480 the ending right, that was so awful that you associate 183 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:06.840 then with the whole relationship. Now, I want to talk 184 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:09.960 to you about what psychologists might say is a healthy 185 00:10:10.039 --> 00:10:14.039 perspective to take when you're thinking about past relationships. So, 186 00:10:15.240 --> 00:10:17.240 for instance, okay, I'm gonna use the example not of 187 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:20.759 a romantic relationship, but of a parent child relationship. Whenever 188 00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:23.559 I hear anybody say to me, oh my god, I 189 00:10:23.639 --> 00:10:26.519 came from that best family, it's such a leave it 190 00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:29.159 to beaver family, like everything was fine, we didn't have 191 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:34.120 any trauma, I'm like, oop, they're repressing something. Something went 192 00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:36.440 down there. I could feel it. Because here's the thing. 193 00:10:36.720 --> 00:10:41.039 The very act of going from completely dependent infant to 194 00:10:41.399 --> 00:10:44.240 independent adult is a painful one, and there are no 195 00:10:44.279 --> 00:10:49.440 such thing as perfect parents, and so a healthy answer 196 00:10:49.519 --> 00:10:53.399 might be something like, you know, my parents did best 197 00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:56.720 with the tools they had, and there were a few 198 00:10:56.759 --> 00:10:59.559 gaps in their parenting where I had opportunities to grow. 199 00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:02.919 They aren't fond memories, but I was able to get 200 00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:06.159 through them and become more resilient because of it. That's 201 00:11:06.200 --> 00:11:09.279 a healthy way to look at the relationship you had 202 00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:11.759 with your parents. So when I hear somebody say that 203 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:14.200 it was all sunshine and flowers, or the opposite, where 204 00:11:14.200 --> 00:11:16.919 they might say, oh, my parents were all terrible, it 205 00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:19.240 was awful. They just tortured me, I'm like, well, you know, 206 00:11:19.240 --> 00:11:20.559 what was your piece and all of that, and what 207 00:11:20.600 --> 00:11:22.960 did you learn from that? How did you grow? All? Right? Now, 208 00:11:23.200 --> 00:11:26.039 now let's take that idea and let's look back at 209 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:29.480 some of our romantic relationships. You know, we are who 210 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:33.799 we are today partly because well of those early childhood relationships, 211 00:11:34.200 --> 00:11:37.840 but also what we learned in our various romantic relationships. 212 00:11:38.200 --> 00:11:40.879 We should be able to look back and go, you 213 00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:44.759 know what, this part was great, this part wasn't so great. 214 00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:48.960 I liked how I showed up in this way. I 215 00:11:49.080 --> 00:11:52.600 learned a lot about myself that way. Blah blah blah. Right, 216 00:11:52.840 --> 00:11:56.279 that's a healthy way to look back at an X. Well, 217 00:11:56.759 --> 00:12:00.679 there's this theory that was proposed years ago by a 218 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:07.919 psychologist Daniel Canaman, called the peak end rule, and he 219 00:12:08.080 --> 00:12:14.000 found the people's overall satisfaction with their past relationships was 220 00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.279 shaped by two things. One is the most intense moment 221 00:12:17.399 --> 00:12:22.399 in that relationship and also how the experience ended. So, 222 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:25.480 in other words, if somebody, let's say you went on 223 00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:27.720 a great, great vacation and then you had a big 224 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:30.519 fight on the last day, all of a sudden, in 225 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:35.240 your mind the whole vacation was bad, right, it becomes 226 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:39.399 this exaggerated memory and so when you think about past relationships, 227 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:43.159 if you had a very conflicted ending and there was 228 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:46.039 a lot of pain and yelling and trauma, you're going 229 00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:50.279 to dismiss the entire relationship because of it. And actually, 230 00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:54.320 I'm thinking back, there was this relationship once where we 231 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:58.840 went on the most amazing vacation ever, and on the 232 00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:01.639 way back, when we were changing planes, he suddenly got 233 00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:06.639 into the stupidest, dumbest argument with me, and I found 234 00:13:06.679 --> 00:13:10.120 myself saying things like, I am not your therapist. Don't 235 00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:14.000 do this to emmy. And it was a terrible it 236 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:17.879 was a terrible ending to a great vacation. I tried 237 00:13:17.960 --> 00:13:20.919 later to process it with him, saying things like, well, 238 00:13:20.919 --> 00:13:23.000 maybe you know we had such a good time together 239 00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:25.639 and now we were about to separate again, and maybe 240 00:13:25.639 --> 00:13:28.440 you had some separation anxiety that caused this anger, but 241 00:13:28.919 --> 00:13:32.679 he wasn't ready to process it right. So this is 242 00:13:32.720 --> 00:13:37.399 what our body does after a breakup. This peak end 243 00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:42.519 rule can actually distort how we remember the relationship, and 244 00:13:42.559 --> 00:13:45.720 it's a bias. It's one of those cognitive biases. So 245 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:48.240 let's talk about things we can do if we are 246 00:13:48.279 --> 00:13:50.759 looking back on this relationship and we want to have 247 00:13:50.799 --> 00:13:54.559 a more healthy view of it. First of all, focus 248 00:13:54.600 --> 00:13:57.519 on the journey, not the destination. So in other words, 249 00:13:57.559 --> 00:14:00.600 if you believe every relationship should end in happy ever 250 00:14:00.679 --> 00:14:04.320 after and a marriage proposal and children or whatever, then 251 00:14:04.639 --> 00:14:08.519 you have created a distorted idea. In fact, every relationship 252 00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:12.200 is a journey. It's a time for you to learn 253 00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:16.240 and grow on this journey of finding and keeping a 254 00:14:16.279 --> 00:14:19.879 secure attachment. Also, one of the things you can do 255 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:25.399 is create a new positive ending ritual. Uh huh. That 256 00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:27.559 means you can send a holiday card to one of 257 00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:31.440 your exes that just says hope you're well, thank you 258 00:14:31.480 --> 00:14:34.120 for the great years, or whatever, just something positive so 259 00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:39.120 you have positive feelings. Also, reframe those memories. Take time 260 00:14:39.159 --> 00:14:42.039 to think about your relationship as a whole. Ask yourself 261 00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:44.960 these questions like what did it teach me? What are 262 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:48.360 the small moments that stand out that are very meaningful? 263 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:53.480 And you can actually reshape the way that you remember 264 00:14:53.720 --> 00:15:00.519 relationships and also take those lessons and those memories into 265 00:15:00.600 --> 00:15:05.080 your new relationship. Right, so you can have you can 266 00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:06.960 bring the best of you because you can remember the 267 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:09.200 things that worked in that relationship and say, you know, 268 00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:11.519 I was really good at this part. I want to 269 00:15:11.559 --> 00:15:15.000 make sure that I do that next time. And also 270 00:15:15.639 --> 00:15:20.120 it's okay to have the entire spectrum of feelings in 271 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:23.320 your memories. You see, we live in a world where 272 00:15:23.320 --> 00:15:25.879 many people believe in black or white, right or wrong, 273 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:30.759 good or bad, happy or sad, and in truth, emotions 274 00:15:30.759 --> 00:15:33.919 are a rainbow. And when you look back on a relationship, 275 00:15:34.080 --> 00:15:39.279 any relationship, think of as being sparklingly bright in some ways, 276 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:43.960 with some dark moments, with some laughter, with some boredom, 277 00:15:44.519 --> 00:15:46.720 with maybe a little bit of fear here or there, 278 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:53.159 or confusion, and also excitement and peace. Because every relationship 279 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:56.799 has all of that, and you were fifty percent of 280 00:15:56.840 --> 00:16:02.360 everything that happened. Don't forget that. The peak end really means. 281 00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:05.360 Don't take that one thing, the ending of a relationship, 282 00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:09.240 and let it dismiss the entire relationship where you might 283 00:16:09.240 --> 00:16:12.120 have been a good person in a lot of it. Right, 284 00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:15.480 Take your resiliency and the things you learned into your 285 00:16:15.639 --> 00:16:19.639 next relationship. All right, speaking of relationships, I have a 286 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:24.320 question for you. Can yoga fix your relationship? Well, some 287 00:16:24.360 --> 00:16:27.440 people think one kind of yoga can. Let's talk about 288 00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:29.320 it when we come back. You're listening to the doctor 289 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:32.000 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty or live 290 00:16:32.039 --> 00:16:33.799 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 291 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:38.679 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 292 00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:39.840 AM six forty. 293 00:16:40.519 --> 00:16:43.200 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 294 00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:47.799 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right, So, 295 00:16:47.879 --> 00:16:51.000 I was recently interviewed by a reporter who asked me 296 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:58.879 to weigh in on something called somatic yoga. Somatic yoga somatic? Well, 297 00:16:58.919 --> 00:17:00.399 how to look it up and do a little bit reading. 298 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.039 I'm not a yoga person. Do you know why? I 299 00:17:05.079 --> 00:17:07.720 am five 'ot ten. I'm one hundred and thirty pounds. 300 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:09.839 You know what that is. That's tall and skinny, and 301 00:17:09.880 --> 00:17:12.839 you know what that means. Not flexible. So you get 302 00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:16.279 me in that down dog I'm barely down in or doggin'. Okay, 303 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:19.160 you get me in that child's pose, and I'm barely 304 00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:22.119 a child posing. I just don't know how to do 305 00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:25.200 that warrior thing without falling over a break in my back. 306 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:30.240 Interesting enough, I don't mind high impact aerobics. I don't 307 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:34.119 mind running around. Pilate's much better because it's more on strength. 308 00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:38.640 But the flexibility thing not for me. So somadic yoga. 309 00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:41.519 First of all, Soma is a Greek word, and I 310 00:17:41.640 --> 00:17:44.519 teach psychology of health counseling, where we talk about the 311 00:17:44.680 --> 00:17:48.599 mind body connection. So I certainly know what something somadic is. 312 00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:51.759 By the way, question it's on my quizzes for all 313 00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:53.480 my students. If you'd like to ever take one of 314 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:55.880 my quizzes, you can. Uh. Here's one of the questions. 315 00:17:56.119 --> 00:18:01.279 When someone has a psycho somatic in a illness, are 316 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:07.319 they imagining their symptoms? The answer is no, they are sick. 317 00:18:07.759 --> 00:18:12.039 Their body and mind have colluded, and the origins of 318 00:18:12.119 --> 00:18:17.839 their physical illness are psychological. Doesn't mean pretend, doesn't mean imagined. 319 00:18:18.119 --> 00:18:21.519 It starts with psychic energy and the body speaks for them. Okay, 320 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:23.279 just want to get that out of the way. So 321 00:18:23.359 --> 00:18:26.079 we say soma is the Greek word for body. Somatic 322 00:18:26.119 --> 00:18:30.400 yoga is a form of yoga that's really designed to 323 00:18:30.519 --> 00:18:34.599 try to create a greater mind body connection. So the 324 00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:38.480 difference between it and traditional yoga is that you're not 325 00:18:38.519 --> 00:18:43.200 supposed to Supposedly, you're not supposed to master these perfect poses. 326 00:18:43.480 --> 00:18:46.279 Sounds like it's for me just for a fitness purpose. 327 00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:51.319 You're supposed to experience the feeling of each pose and 328 00:18:51.440 --> 00:18:55.039 just adjust as needed. So somatic yoga apparently is not 329 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:57.839 so pretty, but it is working with the breath and 330 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:04.440 tiny movements and asking people to go inside introspection, try 331 00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:09.720 to release trapped energy and become more bodily aware. Producer 332 00:19:09.799 --> 00:19:13.440 Kayla isn't your sister a reiki master? She is, yes, 333 00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:16.240 and reiki is the same thing, right, it's releasing trapped 334 00:19:16.359 --> 00:19:19.839 energy and muscles yum steep tissue work kind of No, 335 00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:22.799 she doesn't really touch you. It's more of an energetic cleansing, 336 00:19:22.839 --> 00:19:26.279 but she's a yoga instructor as well as because I've 337 00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:31.559 had that kind of deep tissue massages where they hit 338 00:19:31.640 --> 00:19:34.599 on some little not in your muscles and you have 339 00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:38.079 a memory. You suddenly remember something because of muscle stores 340 00:19:38.119 --> 00:19:38.720 the tension. 341 00:19:38.920 --> 00:19:39.119 Yeah. 342 00:19:39.279 --> 00:19:42.279 Right, So we talk about muscle memory when we're, you know, 343 00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:45.400 learning how to do exercises. But also all those knots 344 00:19:45.400 --> 00:19:48.200 and bumps and lumps are often places of stress from 345 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:51.519 the past and as they tap on those with their fingers. 346 00:19:51.680 --> 00:19:53.799 So it sounds like this kind of yoga does that 347 00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:56.880 same thing. You go inside and you find where the 348 00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:01.039 energy is trapped in your muscles. So suppose somatic yoga 349 00:20:01.240 --> 00:20:04.720 can make people more aware of their feelings. Remember, feelings, 350 00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:08.519 don't be afraid of them. They're just emotional messengers and 351 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:11.519 they're as sent to our brain through a reaction of 352 00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:15.880 our sympathetic nervous system. And so in this particular kind 353 00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:19.200 of yoga, it is thought that people can learn to 354 00:20:19.240 --> 00:20:22.119 pay better attention to their feelings by paying attention to 355 00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:24.720 the sensations in their body. Makes sense. If you're somebody 356 00:20:24.759 --> 00:20:27.200 who's been a suppressor your whole life, then guess where 357 00:20:27.240 --> 00:20:29.920 your feelings have gone into your body. So if you 358 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:31.880 do a kind of yoga that's supposed to bring it out, 359 00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:34.599 I don't know, maybe it can work. You know, there 360 00:20:34.599 --> 00:20:37.839 are lots of people that have a very low mind 361 00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:42.240 body connection, right. Some people sadly are recovering from trauma 362 00:20:42.640 --> 00:20:45.680 and the muscles of their body hold that trauma. Others 363 00:20:45.759 --> 00:20:50.359 were taught to repress their feelings, ignore, deny information that 364 00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:53.440 comes from the body, and instead just push out unwonted thoughts. Well, 365 00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:56.559 they don't push out right. There's also a kind of 366 00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:01.039 diagnosis called alexithymia, and that's the inability to recognize or 367 00:21:01.079 --> 00:21:05.839 express our own emotions. So people with alexithymium might have 368 00:21:05.880 --> 00:21:08.599 problems with introversion, meaning like what does your gut say? 369 00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:10.240 How do you really feel? They don't have an answer 370 00:21:10.279 --> 00:21:12.519 for that, and they can't observe their own mental and 371 00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:17.920 emotional processes, but they might be aware of bodily sensations like, 372 00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:21.160 for instance, a lot of men with anger management issues, 373 00:21:22.240 --> 00:21:24.759 therapists might teach them to be aware of what happens 374 00:21:24.799 --> 00:21:29.319 in their body before they whatever, yell, hit whatever? Is 375 00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:31.960 it a tightness in their chest? Is it a tightness 376 00:21:31.960 --> 00:21:33.839 in their neck that kind of causes a headache? 377 00:21:33.920 --> 00:21:34.079 Right? 378 00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:37.279 Like, look for their body, talking for them. So the 379 00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:41.920 idea is this somatic yoga releases some of those mental 380 00:21:41.960 --> 00:21:45.759 blocks and as soon as you do that, it can 381 00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:48.240 improve your relationships. And here's how. 382 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:49.359 See. 383 00:21:49.720 --> 00:21:52.680 The cool thing about when we grow in our own insight, 384 00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:58.079 our own feeling, of awareness of our own feelings, is 385 00:21:58.119 --> 00:22:01.799 that it fosters the growth of our right. When we 386 00:22:01.880 --> 00:22:04.599 become aware of our own feelings, it's really easy to 387 00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:07.960 identify it in others. And you can't have a healthy 388 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:13.920 relationship without empathy. You have to have feelings for each other. Right, 389 00:22:14.519 --> 00:22:18.680 So I want to say I haven't tried somatic yoga, 390 00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:20.640 but when I hear that, I don't have to be perfect, 391 00:22:20.880 --> 00:22:24.720 and I'm going to actually try to find some because 392 00:22:24.759 --> 00:22:28.599 I think that look, anything that two people can do 393 00:22:29.079 --> 00:22:32.000 to bring themselves closer together, maybe they go together and 394 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:35.599 they practice this somatic yoga together, or maybe one person 395 00:22:35.640 --> 00:22:39.519 does and gets better at expressing their feelings. Right. What 396 00:22:39.640 --> 00:22:42.480 is emotional intelligence? It's a three pronged thing, and it 397 00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:47.039 begins with one recognizing your own feelings, giving them a name. 398 00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:51.119 Number two, learning to express your feelings in a non 399 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:54.160 confrontational way, just like this is how it felt, right, 400 00:22:54.359 --> 00:22:59.400 no judgment there, and then learning how to see the 401 00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:02.359