Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio App. Okay, we are near the new year. It's
Speaker 1: a nice time to talk about New Year's resolutions, changing
Speaker 1: our health habits, finding a way. So Producer Cayle, have
Speaker 1: you thought about your nerves resolutions yet? No? I think
Speaker 1: I'm over New Year's resolutions, Doctor Wendy, Well for me.
Speaker 1: You know, I started, I want to say, right after
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving on a bit of a fitness kick after an
Speaker 1: acquaintance of mine passed away suddenly of heart disease, and
Speaker 1: I was just like, okay, got to get back and shape.
Speaker 1: So I've been doing Orange Theory and then on alternate days,
Speaker 1: I've been doing Lagree Studio Mdr Pilates, and I've been
Speaker 1: using an app to calculate all my food every day Andy,
Speaker 1: And let me tell you I have learned there are
Speaker 1: a lot of calories and alcohol. That's what I've learned.
Speaker 1: So the app will show me every day how much protein,
Speaker 1: how much fat, how much carbohydrate, and how much total calories,
Speaker 1: and then you put in like your exercise and estimate
Speaker 1: how much you burn. And so every day I'm like
Speaker 1: monitoring it. Did you know there's research to show that
Speaker 1: if all we do is monitor our intake, out, take
Speaker 1: activity level, record it in some way, no matter what,
Speaker 1: it all works to make us healthier. Like, in other words,
Speaker 1: if you went on the chocolate chip cookie diet and
Speaker 1: all you ate was chocolate chip cookies, just the fact
Speaker 1: that you're more aware of your eating means you're going
Speaker 1: to eat less. So becoming aware, attuned, and mindful of
Speaker 1: health is the first step. But I want to remind
Speaker 1: everybody that we are walking around in an ancient brain
Speaker 1: of hunters and gatherers who spend a whole lot of
Speaker 1: time starving and trying to find food. Or the things
Speaker 1: we enjoy doing, eating, sleeping, being a couch potato are
Speaker 1: actually pleasurable to us because they can serve energy and
Speaker 1: they're linked to survival. On the other hand, high activity
Speaker 1: burns calories, which is linked to less survival. Right, So,
Speaker 1: having said this, there is so much research to support
Speaker 1: this idea that willpower doesn't work. You can't have an
Speaker 1: idea and say I'm gonna do this. And one of
Speaker 1: the reasons why, I'm using an app to monitor everything,
Speaker 1: And yes it takes time. Every time I sit down
Speaker 1: to eat, I gotta plunk it into the app and whatever.
Speaker 1: It's actually cool app. I use app to be called
Speaker 1: some carb carb monitor or something carb maker, carb whatever.
Speaker 1: But you just shine your camera on any barcode of
Speaker 1: any food and it automatically tells you what's in it
Speaker 1: and adds it to your thing anyway, So forget all
Speaker 1: this willpower. Here's what you need to do if you
Speaker 1: want your New Year's resolutions to actually work and change.
Speaker 1: Number one, do not try to change everything at once.
Speaker 1: Change one behavior at a time, one at a time,
Speaker 1: because here's the thing about the psychology of change. Once
Speaker 1: you accomplish that, it generalizes to the next behavior you
Speaker 1: want to change. So work on. Although I do want
Speaker 1: to say eating and exercise are intrinsically combined. If you're
Speaker 1: going to still continue to eat like it's still the
Speaker 1: holidays and go to the gym and think, oh, it'll
Speaker 1: be fine, it's so much easier to work together. Right,
Speaker 1: eat less sugar, less carbohydrate, more healthy fats, more healthy protein,
Speaker 1: and then get out there and work out. Then you're
Speaker 1: building muscle. Right, you kind of got to do those two,
Speaker 1: but basically one behavior out of time. So don't try
Speaker 1: to quit smoking, quit drinking, get your finances order, and
Speaker 1: lose weight all at once. Too much, too much. Now
Speaker 1: here's the thing about habits. Everything's a habit for us.
Speaker 1: In order to change a habit, you don't want to
Speaker 1: actually will power go. I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 1: Let's say it's a bad habit you want to get
Speaker 1: rid of. Let's use the example of smoking or vaping
Speaker 1: or what have you. You have to choose the anticidant,
Speaker 1: the thing that comes first, the trigger right of your habit.
Speaker 1: So let's say you come home from work and the
Speaker 1: first thing you do is sit in your most comfortable
Speaker 1: chair and you know, grab your cigarette, your vape or whatever,
Speaker 1: electronics say, whatever you do. And you sit there and
Speaker 1: maybe you swipe through your emails, or you Netflix or
Speaker 1: or you yeah, I don't know, you two, you do
Speaker 1: some little gaming or whatever. It's just sort of your
Speaker 1: decompressing time after work. Well, a behavioral therapist would say,
Speaker 1: the very first thing you need to do is change
Speaker 1: all the furniture in your living room so that when
Speaker 1: you come in, you can't just plunk down in your chair.
Speaker 1: You have to stop and think, oh, it's over here now,
Speaker 1: and that alone will trigger oh wait, sitting in that
Speaker 1: chair is connected with lighting up. Then you have to
Speaker 1: think of a replacement behavior. So maybe you've decided ahead
Speaker 1: of time, okay, instead of sitting down that chair and
Speaker 1: having that smoke, I am going to immediately go upstairs
Speaker 1: in my room and change into workout stuff because I'm
Speaker 1: going to be going for a walk or a run whatever.
Speaker 1: But you literally have to catch yourself before you do
Speaker 1: the behavior and then replace it that that new trigger
Speaker 1: with a new behavior. Now here's the other flaw that
Speaker 1: people have when they try to change their bad habits
Speaker 1: is they think if they fall off the wagon, it's
Speaker 1: all over. Right. On the other hand, you have to
Speaker 1: plan for setbacks because change is about moving forward, slipping back,
Speaker 1: moving forward slipping back right, So you have to plan
Speaker 1: for those setbacks, and you have to have a strategy
Speaker 1: of what you're going to do when the setback happens. So,
Speaker 1: for instance, I told you I've been monitoring my you know,
Speaker 1: and carefully me my wait and with the app and exercising.
Speaker 1: But recently, my sweet Julio and I had a date
Speaker 1: night and we went to a nice restaurant, a Michelin
Speaker 1: starred restaurant, Hatchet Hall. I don't know if you've ever
Speaker 1: been there in Culver City. It's fabulous. And so this
Speaker 1: is not a night where you're supposed to count calories, protein, fat.
Speaker 1: It's date night. You're gonna order a fancy cocktail, at
Speaker 1: least I did, and things like short ribs with grits,
Speaker 1: turkey meat loaf with mashed potatoes, but done gourmet style.
Speaker 1: And we did have some salads. I'm just gonna say.
Speaker 1: He ordered some interesting banana pudding with cookies in it
Speaker 1: for dessert that was gourmet and fabulous. Okay, I had
Speaker 1: a bite. So the point is I came home and
Speaker 1: I opened my oh it's called carb Manager, my app,
Speaker 1: my carb Manager app, and I thought, you know what,
Speaker 1: I could spend forever filling in all those things that
Speaker 1: say that I went way over on everything, and I
Speaker 1: could feel bad about myself, or I could say this
Speaker 1: was a small setback. So here's my strategy for repair.
Speaker 1: I'm going to add two hours to my intermittent fasting.
Speaker 1: So I've been doing usually twelve to fourteen hours a
Speaker 1: day because you know, they're two ways to get your
Speaker 1: pancreas to give enough insulin. One is you give it
Speaker 1: less carbohydrate and sugar, and the other is you stretch
Speaker 1: out more time in between it so it has time
Speaker 1: to think. That's the whole process behind intermitting. So I
Speaker 1: waited till noon the next day before I allowed myself
Speaker 1: a morsel of anything, and why not, it's all the problem.
Speaker 1: Then I started again listing it. So that's how I
Speaker 1: prepared for a setback. Also set up a logical reward
Speaker 1: system and schedule something that makes sense. So for instance,
Speaker 1: in the new year, when I get to it's not
Speaker 1: that much weight that I'm losing, it's just that I'm
Speaker 1: shifting it around, is what I'm doing. I don't have
Speaker 1: much to lose. But when my stomach is as flat
Speaker 1: as I want it to be, I am going to Lululemon.
Speaker 1: I actually I really like Beyond Yoga lately. They're really good,
Speaker 1: and I am just going to buy the best new
Speaker 1: exercise outfit. See that's a logical reward because then I
Speaker 1: want to wear it when I go to the gym.
Speaker 1: I also want to tell everybody that there is science
Speaker 1: behind this. It takes sixty six days to create a
Speaker 1: new habit. So if I started my new habits right
Speaker 1: after Thanksgiving, it will be probably the end of January
Speaker 1: before I've done my sixty six days. Why don't you
Speaker 1: think about it so much? So tell yourself You're going
Speaker 1: to monitor this behavior for sixty six days and then
Speaker 1: it becomes the new way of being your new habit, right,
Speaker 1: all right? When we come back, do you are you
Speaker 1: plagued by thoughts of your ex and you're reliving old
Speaker 1: relationships in your head like I should have, would have? Coulda?
Speaker 1: Or what happened there? Or because you broke up? You're
Speaker 1: making everything about the whole relationship bad. When we come back,
Speaker 1: let's talk about a theory called the peak end theory
Speaker 1: in relationships and how we can reframe our past relationships
Speaker 1: so that we have a healthier perspective of our role
Speaker 1: and the other person's role in them. You're listening to
Speaker 1: the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty.
Speaker 1: We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Readywall Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: one of these people. I just have to explain where
Speaker 1: when I have an ex boyfriend. You know, there's some
Speaker 1: people who stay friends with their exes. They just sort
Speaker 1: of morphs, you know, after a time of no contact,
Speaker 1: they somehow morph into a friendship. I've always said that
Speaker 1: if you're able to stay friends with an ex, you
Speaker 1: were never like passionate in the first place, Like you
Speaker 1: never really had intimacy because something about that breakup, like
Speaker 1: you just can't go back. I don't know. So you
Speaker 1: can analyze me, probably my therapist should analyze me. But
Speaker 1: I am not friends with any of my exes. I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily hate them, but I just kind of avoid them, right,
Speaker 1: they're not really So I want to explain that when
Speaker 1: you look back at a relationship, sometimes you trick your
Speaker 1: brain because there might be one thing that was maybe
Speaker 1: the ending right, that was so awful that you associate
Speaker 1: then with the whole relationship. Now, I want to talk
Speaker 1: to you about what psychologists might say is a healthy
Speaker 1: perspective to take when you're thinking about past relationships. So,
Speaker 1: for instance, okay, I'm gonna use the example not of
Speaker 1: a romantic relationship, but of a parent child relationship. Whenever
Speaker 1: I hear anybody say to me, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: came from that best family, it's such a leave it
Speaker 1: to beaver family, like everything was fine, we didn't have
Speaker 1: any trauma, I'm like, oop, they're repressing something. Something went
Speaker 1: down there. I could feel it. Because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: The very act of going from completely dependent infant to
Speaker 1: independent adult is a painful one, and there are no
Speaker 1: such thing as perfect parents, and so a healthy answer
Speaker 1: might be something like, you know, my parents did best
Speaker 1: with the tools they had, and there were a few
Speaker 1: gaps in their parenting where I had opportunities to grow.
Speaker 1: They aren't fond memories, but I was able to get
Speaker 1: through them and become more resilient because of it. That's
Speaker 1: a healthy way to look at the relationship you had
Speaker 1: with your parents. So when I hear somebody say that
Speaker 1: it was all sunshine and flowers, or the opposite, where
Speaker 1: they might say, oh, my parents were all terrible, it
Speaker 1: was awful. They just tortured me, I'm like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: what was your piece and all of that, and what
Speaker 1: did you learn from that? How did you grow? All? Right? Now,
Speaker 1: now let's take that idea and let's look back at
Speaker 1: some of our romantic relationships. You know, we are who
Speaker 1: we are today partly because well of those early childhood relationships,
Speaker 1: but also what we learned in our various romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: We should be able to look back and go, you
Speaker 1: know what, this part was great, this part wasn't so great.
Speaker 1: I liked how I showed up in this way. I
Speaker 1: learned a lot about myself that way. Blah blah blah. Right,
Speaker 1: that's a healthy way to look back at an X. Well,
Speaker 1: there's this theory that was proposed years ago by a
Speaker 1: psychologist Daniel Canaman, called the peak end rule, and he
Speaker 1: found the people's overall satisfaction with their past relationships was
Speaker 1: shaped by two things. One is the most intense moment
Speaker 1: in that relationship and also how the experience ended. So,
Speaker 1: in other words, if somebody, let's say you went on
Speaker 1: a great, great vacation and then you had a big
Speaker 1: fight on the last day, all of a sudden, in
Speaker 1: your mind the whole vacation was bad, right, it becomes
Speaker 1: this exaggerated memory and so when you think about past relationships,
Speaker 1: if you had a very conflicted ending and there was
Speaker 1: a lot of pain and yelling and trauma, you're going
Speaker 1: to dismiss the entire relationship because of it. And actually,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking back, there was this relationship once where we
Speaker 1: went on the most amazing vacation ever, and on the
Speaker 1: way back, when we were changing planes, he suddenly got
Speaker 1: into the stupidest, dumbest argument with me, and I found
Speaker 1: myself saying things like, I am not your therapist. Don't
Speaker 1: do this to emmy. And it was a terrible it
Speaker 1: was a terrible ending to a great vacation. I tried
Speaker 1: later to process it with him, saying things like, well,
Speaker 1: maybe you know we had such a good time together
Speaker 1: and now we were about to separate again, and maybe
Speaker 1: you had some separation anxiety that caused this anger, but
Speaker 1: he wasn't ready to process it right. So this is
Speaker 1: what our body does after a breakup. This peak end
Speaker 1: rule can actually distort how we remember the relationship, and
Speaker 1: it's a bias. It's one of those cognitive biases. So
Speaker 1: let's talk about things we can do if we are
Speaker 1: looking back on this relationship and we want to have
Speaker 1: a more healthy view of it. First of all, focus
Speaker 1: on the journey, not the destination. So in other words,
Speaker 1: if you believe every relationship should end in happy ever
Speaker 1: after and a marriage proposal and children or whatever, then
Speaker 1: you have created a distorted idea. In fact, every relationship
Speaker 1: is a journey. It's a time for you to learn
Speaker 1: and grow on this journey of finding and keeping a
Speaker 1: secure attachment. Also, one of the things you can do
Speaker 1: is create a new positive ending ritual. Uh huh. That
Speaker 1: means you can send a holiday card to one of
Speaker 1: your exes that just says hope you're well, thank you
Speaker 1: for the great years, or whatever, just something positive so
Speaker 1: you have positive feelings. Also, reframe those memories. Take time
Speaker 1: to think about your relationship as a whole. Ask yourself
Speaker 1: these questions like what did it teach me? What are
Speaker 1: the small moments that stand out that are very meaningful?
Speaker 1: And you can actually reshape the way that you remember
Speaker 1: relationships and also take those lessons and those memories into
Speaker 1: your new relationship. Right, so you can have you can
Speaker 1: bring the best of you because you can remember the
Speaker 1: things that worked in that relationship and say, you know,
Speaker 1: I was really good at this part. I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that I do that next time. And also
Speaker 1: it's okay to have the entire spectrum of feelings in
Speaker 1: your memories. You see, we live in a world where
Speaker 1: many people believe in black or white, right or wrong,
Speaker 1: good or bad, happy or sad, and in truth, emotions
Speaker 1: are a rainbow. And when you look back on a relationship,
Speaker 1: any relationship, think of as being sparklingly bright in some ways,
Speaker 1: with some dark moments, with some laughter, with some boredom,
Speaker 1: with maybe a little bit of fear here or there,
Speaker 1: or confusion, and also excitement and peace. Because every relationship
Speaker 1: has all of that, and you were fifty percent of
Speaker 1: everything that happened. Don't forget that. The peak end really means.
Speaker 1: Don't take that one thing, the ending of a relationship,
Speaker 1: and let it dismiss the entire relationship where you might
Speaker 1: have been a good person in a lot of it. Right,
Speaker 1: Take your resiliency and the things you learned into your
Speaker 1: next relationship. All right, speaking of relationships, I have a
Speaker 1: question for you. Can yoga fix your relationship? Well, some
Speaker 1: people think one kind of yoga can. Let's talk about
Speaker 1: it when we come back. You're listening to the doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty or live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right, So,
Speaker 1: I was recently interviewed by a reporter who asked me
Speaker 1: to weigh in on something called somatic yoga. Somatic yoga somatic? Well,
Speaker 1: how to look it up and do a little bit reading.
Speaker 1: I'm not a yoga person. Do you know why? I
Speaker 1: am five 'ot ten. I'm one hundred and thirty pounds.
Speaker 1: You know what that is. That's tall and skinny, and
Speaker 1: you know what that means. Not flexible. So you get
Speaker 1: me in that down dog I'm barely down in or doggin'. Okay,
Speaker 1: you get me in that child's pose, and I'm barely
Speaker 1: a child posing. I just don't know how to do
Speaker 1: that warrior thing without falling over a break in my back.
Speaker 1: Interesting enough, I don't mind high impact aerobics. I don't
Speaker 1: mind running around. Pilate's much better because it's more on strength.
Speaker 1: But the flexibility thing not for me. So somadic yoga.
Speaker 1: First of all, Soma is a Greek word, and I
Speaker 1: teach psychology of health counseling, where we talk about the
Speaker 1: mind body connection. So I certainly know what something somadic is.
Speaker 1: By the way, question it's on my quizzes for all
Speaker 1: my students. If you'd like to ever take one of
Speaker 1: my quizzes, you can. Uh. Here's one of the questions.
Speaker 1: When someone has a psycho somatic in a illness, are
Speaker 1: they imagining their symptoms? The answer is no, they are sick.
Speaker 1: Their body and mind have colluded, and the origins of
Speaker 1: their physical illness are psychological. Doesn't mean pretend, doesn't mean imagined.
Speaker 1: It starts with psychic energy and the body speaks for them. Okay,
Speaker 1: just want to get that out of the way. So
Speaker 1: we say soma is the Greek word for body. Somatic
Speaker 1: yoga is a form of yoga that's really designed to
Speaker 1: try to create a greater mind body connection. So the
Speaker 1: difference between it and traditional yoga is that you're not
Speaker 1: supposed to Supposedly, you're not supposed to master these perfect poses.
Speaker 1: Sounds like it's for me just for a fitness purpose.
Speaker 1: You're supposed to experience the feeling of each pose and
Speaker 1: just adjust as needed. So somatic yoga apparently is not
Speaker 1: so pretty, but it is working with the breath and
Speaker 1: tiny movements and asking people to go inside introspection, try
Speaker 1: to release trapped energy and become more bodily aware. Producer
Speaker 1: Kayla isn't your sister a reiki master? She is, yes,
Speaker 1: and reiki is the same thing, right, it's releasing trapped
Speaker 1: energy and muscles yum steep tissue work kind of No,
Speaker 1: she doesn't really touch you. It's more of an energetic cleansing,
Speaker 1: but she's a yoga instructor as well as because I've
Speaker 1: had that kind of deep tissue massages where they hit
Speaker 1: on some little not in your muscles and you have
Speaker 1: a memory. You suddenly remember something because of muscle stores
Speaker 1: the tension.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Right, So we talk about muscle memory when we're, you know,
Speaker 1: learning how to do exercises. But also all those knots
Speaker 1: and bumps and lumps are often places of stress from
Speaker 1: the past and as they tap on those with their fingers.
Speaker 1: So it sounds like this kind of yoga does that
Speaker 1: same thing. You go inside and you find where the
Speaker 1: energy is trapped in your muscles. So suppose somatic yoga
Speaker 1: can make people more aware of their feelings. Remember, feelings,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid of them. They're just emotional messengers and
Speaker 1: they're as sent to our brain through a reaction of
Speaker 1: our sympathetic nervous system. And so in this particular kind
Speaker 1: of yoga, it is thought that people can learn to
Speaker 1: pay better attention to their feelings by paying attention to
Speaker 1: the sensations in their body. Makes sense. If you're somebody
Speaker 1: who's been a suppressor your whole life, then guess where
Speaker 1: your feelings have gone into your body. So if you
Speaker 1: do a kind of yoga that's supposed to bring it out,
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe it can work. You know, there
Speaker 1: are lots of people that have a very low mind
Speaker 1: body connection, right. Some people sadly are recovering from trauma
Speaker 1: and the muscles of their body hold that trauma. Others
Speaker 1: were taught to repress their feelings, ignore, deny information that
Speaker 1: comes from the body, and instead just push out unwonted thoughts. Well,
Speaker 1: they don't push out right. There's also a kind of
Speaker 1: diagnosis called alexithymia, and that's the inability to recognize or
Speaker 1: express our own emotions. So people with alexithymium might have
Speaker 1: problems with introversion, meaning like what does your gut say?
Speaker 1: How do you really feel? They don't have an answer
Speaker 1: for that, and they can't observe their own mental and
Speaker 1: emotional processes, but they might be aware of bodily sensations like,
Speaker 1: for instance, a lot of men with anger management issues,
Speaker 1: therapists might teach them to be aware of what happens
Speaker 1: in their body before they whatever, yell, hit whatever? Is
Speaker 1: it a tightness in their chest? Is it a tightness
Speaker 1: in their neck that kind of causes a headache?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Like, look for their body, talking for them. So the
Speaker 1: idea is this somatic yoga releases some of those mental
Speaker 1: blocks and as soon as you do that, it can
Speaker 1: improve your relationships. And here's how.
Speaker 2: See.
Speaker 1: The cool thing about when we grow in our own insight,
Speaker 1: our own feeling, of awareness of our own feelings, is
Speaker 1: that it fosters the growth of our right. When we
Speaker 1: become aware of our own feelings, it's really easy to
Speaker 1: identify it in others. And you can't have a healthy
Speaker 1: relationship without empathy. You have to have feelings for each other. Right,
Speaker 1: So I want to say I haven't tried somatic yoga,
Speaker 1: but when I hear that, I don't have to be perfect,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to actually try to find some because
Speaker 1: I think that look, anything that two people can do
Speaker 1: to bring themselves closer together, maybe they go together and
Speaker 1: they practice this somatic yoga together, or maybe one person
Speaker 1: does and gets better at expressing their feelings. Right. What
Speaker 1: is emotional intelligence? It's a three pronged thing, and it
Speaker 1: begins with one recognizing your own feelings, giving them a name.
Speaker 1: Number two, learning to express your feelings in a non
Speaker 1: confrontational way, just like this is how it felt, right,
Speaker 1: no judgment there, and then learning how to see the
Speaker 1: feelings in others. You can go online, actually and take
Speaker 1: an emotional intelligence test. There's all kinds of them online
Speaker 1: and it shows you pictures of people making all kinds
Speaker 1: of different facial expressions and you have to guess the emotion.
Speaker 1: And I'm sorry to tell you that when my classes
Speaker 1: take this, the females tend to be a little better.
Speaker 1: We have a little more empathy and we can recognize
Speaker 1: feelings better. So there are women out there going My
Speaker 1: guy is such a narcissist. He has no empathy, No
Speaker 1: he could just be a dude, okay, because some of
Speaker 1: them can't. Some of them can. I mean, my Julu
Speaker 1: is very good. He has a lot of empathy, but
Speaker 1: some of them can't. Hey, when we come back, let
Speaker 1: me answer some of your social media relationship questions. Reminder,
Speaker 1: I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. As you know,
Speaker 1: I've written three books on relationships, and I've also done
Speaker 1: a whole dissertation on attachment theory. I'm obsessed with the
Speaker 1: science of love, So send me a DM on Instagram.
Speaker 1: The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: Producer Kla will go through them and let's answer you
Speaker 1: questions when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. And
Speaker 1: I know, and I say everywhere, how many of you
Speaker 1: have actually downloaded that iHeartRadio app? Because I see where
Speaker 1: your questions come from when I do my little live
Speaker 1: stream sometimes in between my segments, and you guys tell
Speaker 1: me where you're watching from. It's wonderful to see that
Speaker 1: people are listening from all over the country to the
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Wall Show. A reminder, I have been here
Speaker 1: ten years. Ten years? Where does time go when you're
Speaker 1: having so much fun? All right, let's go to social
Speaker 1: media and answer some of your relationship questions. I'm happy
Speaker 1: to weigh in with my doctor Wendy Wisdom. All right,
Speaker 1: dear Doctor Wendy. My boyfriend's x okay, so's got the
Speaker 1: boyfriend and the boyfriend's ex is another girl okay, is
Speaker 1: stalking my social media accounts. She has liked old posts
Speaker 1: and TikTok tells me she views my profile. Why is
Speaker 1: she doing this? They broke up years ago. Here's my advice, lady,
Speaker 1: get over it. She's she's doing she's doing it because
Speaker 1: she's envious of you. Let her be envious, Let her look.
Speaker 1: Do you put things on social media as a private
Speaker 1: viewing for just your tiny inner circle. If you make
Speaker 1: them public, then the public can look. All right, you're
Speaker 1: putting on a show. Then then don't get mad who
Speaker 1: buys a ticket to the show and shows up. This
Speaker 1: is your brochure. You put it out there, any human
Speaker 1: can reach out. Okay, so I wouldn't worry about it.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean anything. Means she's envious of you and she's
Speaker 1: trying to emulate you. I know you're thinking, well, maybe
Speaker 1: she's trying to find out if we're breaking up, and
Speaker 1: then she'll go and get them back. But you won't
Speaker 1: want them if you broke up with them, right, So
Speaker 1: cares move along, Dear doctor Wendy, what do you think
Speaker 1: about asking I'm sorry, I'm already laughing. I didn't even
Speaker 1: get through the question and I'm giggling, and I don't
Speaker 1: mean to hurt your feelings. Okay, what do you think
Speaker 1: about asking a guy if he's lost interest in you?
Speaker 1: He seems to be acting differently towards me and I'm
Speaker 1: not sure why if I ask? Is it anxious attachment? Okay?
Speaker 1: So we all want knowledge, right, we all want closure.
Speaker 1: We all want to know why he's behaving differently. I
Speaker 1: am less concerned with how somebody else is behaving, and
Speaker 1: I'm more concerned with my feelings or in this case,
Speaker 1: your feelings towards it. If you are feeling a sense
Speaker 1: of loss, it is not for you to ask have
Speaker 1: you lost interest in me? What have I done differently?
Speaker 1: You're acting very different. That's very different than saying, hey,
Speaker 1: we used to talk more frequently and see each other
Speaker 1: more often. I'm noticing that. That's not so wondering why right,
Speaker 1: It's very different. It's not about you and feeling less
Speaker 1: than it's you saying hey, I'm I'm noticing this. I'm
Speaker 1: aware of it, wondering why, and if you don't like
Speaker 1: the answer you get, which is like, I've been busy.
Speaker 1: That's how guys, I've been busy. I don't know, I've
Speaker 1: been busy. I don't think, or they completely deny that's
Speaker 1: not true. I'm still talking to you. You know. Both
Speaker 1: of those are lies, and as soon as you hear them,
Speaker 1: then you decide whether you want to put up with
Speaker 1: this behavior. Remember, our job in life is not to
Speaker 1: change other people, nor to analyze other people. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter why he's doing it. If it doesn't feel good
Speaker 1: to you, then change it, and you may change it
Speaker 1: by moving on. That's what I'm saying, Dear doctor w Wenny.
Speaker 1: A lot of girls writing in I think it's time
Speaker 1: to meet my boyfriend's mom, but he says it's too soon. Instead,
Speaker 1: he offered a vacation. I feel like the vacation is
Speaker 1: a consolation prize for him not letting me completely in.
Speaker 1: We've been dating for four months. If he hasn't let
Speaker 1: me in, now will he ever? I think this is
Speaker 1: an opportunity to explore. You can say things like, can
Speaker 1: we talk about why you have a hesitance of me
Speaker 1: meeting your mom? Do you think she's not going to
Speaker 1: be happy with your choice of girlfriend. Has she been
Speaker 1: a problem in the past and breaking up you guys?
Speaker 1: Does she make you feel bad when you're dating other people?
Speaker 1: There's so much stuff that can come up as a
Speaker 1: result of it. I know a young woman lately whose
Speaker 1: boyfriend said to her, oh, my mom had a dream
Speaker 1: that my girlfriend killed me, and so I don't want
Speaker 1: her to meet you because what if you look like
Speaker 1: the girl in your dream? Are you crazy? That's attachment
Speaker 1: anxiety of the mom. This is the mom's issue, by
Speaker 1: the way, not your boyfriend's issue. Totally the mom's issue.
Speaker 1: He knows she's going to do or say something that's
Speaker 1: going to impact your relationship in a negative way. So
Speaker 1: you need to be a united front with him and
Speaker 1: explore what the outcome might be. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: I went on two dates with a guy, and after
Speaker 1: the second date, he said he couldn't get into his
Speaker 1: place and asked to sleep at mine. I let him
Speaker 1: sleep on my couch and I locked my bedroom door.
Speaker 1: But around two am, I heard him trying to get
Speaker 1: into my room. Oh that's creepy. I didn't let him,
Speaker 1: and when I woke up in the morning, he was gone.
Speaker 1: He wants to see me again, but the situation made
Speaker 1: me uncomfortable. Is this something I should bring up and
Speaker 1: how Yeah? But I don't think you should go out
Speaker 1: with him again. If you feel uncomfortable, you know there's
Speaker 1: sometimes you need to listen to your stomach. Right. The
Speaker 1: stomach is the second brain, and so get your main
Speaker 1: brain out of it. Oh but he's tall, he's cute,
Speaker 1: he has a good job. Get that brain out of it.
Speaker 1: Listen to your stomach. Your stomach goes. You gave a
Speaker 1: stranger permission to sleep on the couch and then he
Speaker 1: tried to get into your room at two am. Now
Speaker 1: I'm not sure what transpired. Did you pretend you are
Speaker 1: sleep and not even whatever, or did you say I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you're not coming in like what happened? It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: He's no, no, I don't want this guy around you.
Speaker 1: He just doesn't feel safe. This is not okay. He's
Speaker 1: not a gentleman. Don't don't, don't, h I think we
Speaker 1: have time for one more, Dear doctor, Wendy, I'm dating
Speaker 1: a man who lives an hour away. Is that realistic?
Speaker 1: It depends. It depends if you have an electric car.
Speaker 1: It depends if if you have enough money for gas.
Speaker 1: It depends how much you're both into each other. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you a story. When I met my sweet Julio.
Speaker 1: He was living in Calabasas and I was living in
Speaker 1: Hermosa Beach. If you're from La, you know what that means.
Speaker 1: That's a solid hour, no hour and a half, and
Speaker 1: on a Friday night could be two like you have
Speaker 1: no idea, right, it's crazy. He actually drove once on
Speaker 1: a motorcycle at night to meet me at Taranaa. That
Speaker 1: was two hours. I knew he was into me, So yeah,
Speaker 1: is it realistic? Yeah, it's realistic for you to test
Speaker 1: how much he's really into it. That's all I'm gonna say.
Speaker 1: That's all I'm gonna say. Okay, when we come back.
Speaker 1: I've got more questions that you guys are sending me.
Speaker 1: If you want to send me one, send me a
Speaker 1: DM on Instagram at dot Dr Wendy Wall. You're listening
Speaker 1: to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
Speaker 1: to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear us live
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm
Speaker 1: on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app