Speaker 1: When we retire, we spend countless hours planning for the money,
Speaker 1: counting our money, making sure we have enough. We think
Speaker 1: about what we're going to do, when, where we're gonna go,
Speaker 1: and you know, prepare a bucket list. But what really
Speaker 1: no one really talks about is what happens to a
Speaker 1: marriage after we retire. I'm worrying Dobranski.
Speaker 2: This his life starts at retirement, and today I'm just
Speaker 2: gonna have a bit of an open and honest conversation
Speaker 2: about some of the ups and some of the downs
Speaker 2: we experienced when we both first retired, because all of
Speaker 2: the sudden, if you think about it.
Speaker 1: We're together twenty fours a day, seven days a week,
Speaker 1: three hundred and sixty five days a year. Because if
Speaker 1: I look at ours, so before retirement, after retirement, let's
Speaker 1: think about that. So before retirement, we had sort of
Speaker 1: built in roles, built in maybe I don't know space
Speaker 1: is we all we always were in this same space,
Speaker 1: but built in roles. We had different schedules, different routines,
Speaker 1: different rhythms. We knew who did what my sort of
Speaker 1: area was the house. Ken was more in the garage
Speaker 1: and took care of the cars. I kind of made
Speaker 1: most of the decisions about the kids. I mean, if
Speaker 1: it was something big, obviously that we chatted about it,
Speaker 1: but you know, for the day to day kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: the kids were my kind of area, got them clothes,
Speaker 1: et cetera. And then and then we're both home together, retirement,
Speaker 1: our lives and holy cow, you know every single thing,
Speaker 1: all of the meals, the morning coffee, the the everything.
Speaker 1: We were together, all of the decisions, and it can
Speaker 1: be wonderful, but it could be overwhelming.
Speaker 3: At times, and trust me, at times it has been.
Speaker 3: So here's a couple of I don't know if you
Speaker 3: want to call them lessons or thoughts that we've went
Speaker 3: through that has helped us in our marriage, but sometimes
Speaker 3: it was a challenge to get to those places.
Speaker 1: The first one and no to the first one. I
Speaker 1: always say I love my husband. I really do. I
Speaker 1: can't imagine being married to anyone else. But love needs space.
Speaker 1: Even even when we're when we feel great about each other,
Speaker 1: sometimes love needs space. And it's one of the first
Speaker 1: things that I realized is a healthy marriage oftentimes allows
Speaker 1: for separate interests. It allows for some quiet time, It
Speaker 1: allows for a little bit of independence, just because you
Speaker 1: love each other, and just because you live together doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you need to spend that twenty four hours a day,
Speaker 1: seven days a week together. So for us, we've you know,
Speaker 1: we've adjusted ken golfs twice a week with the guys.
Speaker 1: He's out golfing right now. I golf twice a week
Speaker 1: with the ladies. We try to golf once together. We
Speaker 1: have same interests, similar interests, but we have interests that
Speaker 1: are apart. He has some guys come down here typically
Speaker 1: once a year and they do a golfing week. I'll
Speaker 1: go with my mom and my sister, maybe on a
Speaker 1: cruise or somewhere, spending time with my family. So just
Speaker 1: because we're apart a little bit, that doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: we love each other any less. In fact, it strengthens
Speaker 1: our marriage. And so I say that proudly, and I
Speaker 1: say that without any guilt. So if you're just retiring,
Speaker 1: don't I would recommend, and to each's own, but I
Speaker 1: would recommend, don't just feel like you do have to
Speaker 1: spend that twenty four hours a day, seven days a
Speaker 1: week together because you don't. So the next thing, I
Speaker 1: guess we really had to relearn each other. And I
Speaker 1: guess that's something I didn't expect, and I say, relearn
Speaker 1: it's because we always change. We always do change, and
Speaker 1: not so much in dramatic ways anymore. But really, years ago,
Speaker 1: before retirement, we kind of knew what we were stressed.
Speaker 1: We had bills to bay, we had bosses to please,
Speaker 1: we had deadlines to meet, we had freeways to driver,
Speaker 1: to go out of town to work. We kind of
Speaker 1: got into that routine, I guess, and it worked for us.
Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden that routine was gone.
Speaker 1: The kids grew up and left home. Darn kids. Anyhow,
Speaker 1: our bosses now no longer are our bosses. We don't
Speaker 1: have the stresses of what we used to have. So
Speaker 1: our priorities changed, our energy changed, our interests changed and evolved,
Speaker 1: and so we kind of one day well, I don't
Speaker 1: know about him, but me, I was kind of looking going, well,
Speaker 1: who is this guy I married? Now? He's very very
Speaker 1: different than what than he used to be. My word
Speaker 1: for twenty twenty six is curious. I love to use
Speaker 1: that word. So instead of just assuming that I knew
Speaker 1: him and that I you know, oh he's the same
Speaker 1: old I just kind of look around and say, okay, well,
Speaker 1: what are his interests? Now? Can I maybe become interested
Speaker 1: a little bit in some of them and become a
Speaker 1: part of that, or you know, should I develop my
Speaker 1: own interests a little bit more? So, Yeah, we've changed
Speaker 1: and we need to sort of relearn each other. And
Speaker 1: then this is a big one for most married couples
Speaker 1: that I talk to. Communication really has to be kind
Speaker 1: and clear. And I think it's because the more time
Speaker 1: you spend together things get louder. I don't know how
Speaker 1: to how to say it differently. Tone really matters, timing
Speaker 1: really matters, silence matters, and retirement are being together really
Speaker 1: taught me that that unspoke, if you don't speak, unspoken
Speaker 1: expectations create create the most tension. So if I'm expecting
Speaker 1: Ken just to read my mind and know what I want,
Speaker 1: that's not going to happen. Or if he's expecting me
Speaker 1: to do be or say something or be okay with
Speaker 1: something without telling me, that's not going to happen. So
Speaker 1: we really need to talk more. And I know this
Speaker 1: is coming from a woman. Guys don't like the talking,
Speaker 1: but even just a little a little thing, Hey, what
Speaker 1: do you want to do tonight? Or do you have
Speaker 1: anything planned I was thinking of doing this, do you mind?
Speaker 1: And it's not so much for his permission, because I
Speaker 1: really don't need his permission or need neither does he
Speaker 1: need my permission. It's just to be courteous. It's just
Speaker 1: to understand each other. It is just a common courtesy.
Speaker 1: And then more than more than just that asking, hey,
Speaker 1: do you mind about this? Is I've seen a lot
Speaker 1: of people. They and I talk to everybody about retirement,
Speaker 1: so I've seen a lot of people. They both have
Speaker 1: their unspoken expectations about what retirement's going to be. And
Speaker 1: the wife maybe says, I'm gonna we're going to travel,
Speaker 1: we're gonna go to all of these places, we're going
Speaker 1: to redecorate the house. We're going to do this, And
Speaker 1: the husband maybe or the other partner says, oh, retirement,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna sit on the couch for a year.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do a darn thing. I'm not
Speaker 1: going anywhere, I'm not talking to anyone. The house is
Speaker 1: just fine. I just need a year. Well, if neither
Speaker 1: one of them communicates that, retirement can be a little
Speaker 1: tiny bit rocky. So there's two parts to communication. One
Speaker 1: is having that chat before you retire and your expectations
Speaker 1: of what your retirement looks like, and then keeping that
Speaker 1: conversation and that retirement open as you've retired, and after
Speaker 1: you keep that going, and then sort of the next
Speaker 1: one I guess that we went through and I alluded
Speaker 1: to that was it really can test your roles, and
Speaker 1: that's totally fine. As I said, we did have our roles.
Speaker 1: I don't think that we ever really talked about our roles.
Speaker 1: But you know, I looked after the house. I kind
Speaker 1: of looked after the kids, I worked, I still worked
Speaker 1: full time. Ken looked after the cars, and looked after
Speaker 1: the yard and the garage. That was sort of the roles,
Speaker 1: I guess, and we knew that we were comfortable with that.
Speaker 1: We carried those responsibilities, but then retirement happened, and all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, why do I have to cook dinner
Speaker 1: every single night you're no longer working eve, Why do
Speaker 1: I have to clean up so much? And then he
Speaker 1: sings the same thing, go out and do something in
Speaker 1: the yard. Why do I have to do the whole
Speaker 1: yard even though I hate in the yard. So we
Speaker 1: really needed to kind of say that, and that's where
Speaker 1: communication happens. I'll go and I have no problem saying nowadays, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just don't feel like cooking to night, Kenny, why
Speaker 1: don't you do that? Or can we order something in
Speaker 1: or whatever? And he'll say something like, you know, I
Speaker 1: know you don't like the yard work, but that tree,
Speaker 1: would you mind tomin that? Sometimes sure communicate and redefine
Speaker 1: our roles. It's perfect. And then I think the next
Speaker 1: one would be we've just learned that. Although we took
Speaker 1: a lot of big trips this last year, as I
Speaker 1: think if you've watched my channel, you know I'm a
Speaker 1: a guest lecturer on a cruise ship and we were
Speaker 1: in twenty nine different countries, fourteen different cruises this past year.
Speaker 1: So we took a lot of big trips and had
Speaker 1: a lot of big adventures, but really a lot of
Speaker 1: our peace and togetherness and love. Although we love each
Speaker 1: other I think all the time, but a lot of
Speaker 1: our love came from, you know, we just sit together
Speaker 1: and we talk, or we don't even talk, we just share.
Speaker 1: I don't drinkffee, but I have a diet coke and
Speaker 1: then he has a coffee. He'll come for a walk
Speaker 1: with me now and we'll go for a nice walks
Speaker 1: and just have a conversation and we laugh. We laugh
Speaker 1: a lot, And so although there is fun in doing
Speaker 1: the big grand things, there's just fun and enjoyment in
Speaker 1: being present and being together. And the last one I
Speaker 1: think I've learned, after you know a number of years
Speaker 1: now is retirement is less about I'm going to use
Speaker 1: the word passion. I don't mean sexually, but passion, passion,
Speaker 1: excitement and better. And it's more just about partnership, I believe,
Speaker 1: or in our case, thank goodness, love. Our love is
Speaker 1: deepened more so in retirement. It becomes a little bit steadier, gentler,
Speaker 1: more forgiving, and maybe we both kind of mel in
Speaker 1: our old older years. I no longer want to achieve
Speaker 1: what I wanted to achieve. I no longer care if
Speaker 1: anybody like I don't care about things. I actually have
Speaker 1: a video I never thought about. I'll link it in
Speaker 1: the comments about I don't care. The older I get,
Speaker 1: the less I care. So I don't care about what
Speaker 1: other people think anymore. I don't have to keep up
Speaker 1: with other things, and neither does he. We've both mellowed,
Speaker 1: so for us, it's really just about being there for
Speaker 1: each other, listening to each other, being with each other
Speaker 1: and it feels good. So marriage. Believe me, marriage after
Speaker 1: retirement is not perfect, of course, but it wasn't perfect
Speaker 1: before retirement. But it feels good to me again. I
Speaker 1: think we've mellowed, We've learned a lot about each other.
Speaker 1: I think we listen more to each other, we understand
Speaker 1: each other more. And if you're willing to meet your
Speaker 1: part with a little bit of patience, a little bit
Speaker 1: of grace, and understand where they're coming from, then retirement
Speaker 1: really can be one of the most meaningful chapters of
Speaker 1: your life together, something that you love and experience all
Speaker 1: of the time. It's still not easy, but it's real.
Speaker 1: So wherever you are, I hope you just think about
Speaker 1: these things and make your retirement in your marriage the
Speaker 1: most remarkable that it can be. So, what's one thing
Speaker 1: that your retirement has changed in your relationship? I would
Speaker 1: love to hear, because we can all learn from one another. Again,
Speaker 1: I'm Maureen, this is life start at retirement. I produce
Speaker 1: a retirement lifestyle video once a week and thank you
Speaker 1: so much for watching us. See you next time. To
Speaker 1: be sure includ