Speaker 1: When we retire, we spend countless hours planning for the money,
counting our money, making sure we have enough. We think
about what we're going to do, when, where we're gonna go,
and you know, prepare a bucket list. But what really
no one really talks about is what happens to a
marriage after we retire. I'm worrying Dobranski.
Speaker 2: This his life starts at retirement, and today I'm just
gonna have a bit of an open and honest conversation
about some of the ups and some of the downs
we experienced when we both first retired, because all of
the sudden, if you think about it.
Speaker 1: We're together twenty fours a day, seven days a week,
three hundred and sixty five days a year. Because if
I look at ours, so before retirement, after retirement, let's
think about that. So before retirement, we had sort of
built in roles, built in maybe I don't know space
is we all we always were in this same space,
but built in roles. We had different schedules, different routines,
different rhythms. We knew who did what my sort of
area was the house. Ken was more in the garage
and took care of the cars. I kind of made
most of the decisions about the kids. I mean, if
it was something big, obviously that we chatted about it,
but you know, for the day to day kind of stuff,
the kids were my kind of area, got them clothes,
et cetera. And then and then we're both home together, retirement,
our lives and holy cow, you know every single thing,
all of the meals, the morning coffee, the the everything.
We were together, all of the decisions, and it can
be wonderful, but it could be overwhelming.
Speaker 3: At times, and trust me, at times it has been.
So here's a couple of I don't know if you
want to call them lessons or thoughts that we've went
through that has helped us in our marriage, but sometimes
it was a challenge to get to those places.
Speaker 1: The first one and no to the first one. I
always say I love my husband. I really do. I
can't imagine being married to anyone else. But love needs space.
Even even when we're when we feel great about each other,
sometimes love needs space. And it's one of the first
things that I realized is a healthy marriage oftentimes allows
for separate interests. It allows for some quiet time, It
allows for a little bit of independence, just because you
love each other, and just because you live together doesn't
mean you need to spend that twenty four hours a day,
seven days a week together. So for us, we've you know,
we've adjusted ken golfs twice a week with the guys.
He's out golfing right now. I golf twice a week
with the ladies. We try to golf once together. We
have same interests, similar interests, but we have interests that
are apart. He has some guys come down here typically
once a year and they do a golfing week. I'll
go with my mom and my sister, maybe on a
cruise or somewhere, spending time with my family. So just
because we're apart a little bit, that doesn't mean that
we love each other any less. In fact, it strengthens
our marriage. And so I say that proudly, and I
say that without any guilt. So if you're just retiring,
don't I would recommend, and to each's own, but I
would recommend, don't just feel like you do have to
spend that twenty four hours a day, seven days a
week together because you don't. So the next thing, I
guess we really had to relearn each other. And I
guess that's something I didn't expect, and I say, relearn
it's because we always change. We always do change, and
not so much in dramatic ways anymore. But really, years ago,
before retirement, we kind of knew what we were stressed.
We had bills to bay, we had bosses to please,
we had deadlines to meet, we had freeways to driver,
to go out of town to work. We kind of
got into that routine, I guess, and it worked for us.
And then all of a sudden that routine was gone.
The kids grew up and left home. Darn kids. Anyhow,
our bosses now no longer are our bosses. We don't
have the stresses of what we used to have. So
our priorities changed, our energy changed, our interests changed and evolved,
and so we kind of one day well, I don't
know about him, but me, I was kind of looking going, well,
who is this guy I married? Now? He's very very
different than what than he used to be. My word
for twenty twenty six is curious. I love to use
that word. So instead of just assuming that I knew
him and that I you know, oh he's the same
old I just kind of look around and say, okay, well,
what are his interests? Now? Can I maybe become interested
a little bit in some of them and become a
part of that, or you know, should I develop my
own interests a little bit more? So, Yeah, we've changed
and we need to sort of relearn each other. And
then this is a big one for most married couples
that I talk to. Communication really has to be kind
and clear. And I think it's because the more time
you spend together things get louder. I don't know how
to how to say it differently. Tone really matters, timing
really matters, silence matters, and retirement are being together really
taught me that that unspoke, if you don't speak, unspoken
expectations create create the most tension. So if I'm expecting
Ken just to read my mind and know what I want,
that's not going to happen. Or if he's expecting me
to do be or say something or be okay with
something without telling me, that's not going to happen. So
we really need to talk more. And I know this
is coming from a woman. Guys don't like the talking,
but even just a little a little thing, Hey, what
do you want to do tonight? Or do you have
anything planned I was thinking of doing this, do you mind?
And it's not so much for his permission, because I
really don't need his permission or need neither does he
need my permission. It's just to be courteous. It's just
to understand each other. It is just a common courtesy.
And then more than more than just that asking, hey,
do you mind about this? Is I've seen a lot
of people. They and I talk to everybody about retirement,
so I've seen a lot of people. They both have
their unspoken expectations about what retirement's going to be. And
the wife maybe says, I'm gonna we're going to travel,
we're gonna go to all of these places, we're going
to redecorate the house. We're going to do this, And
the husband maybe or the other partner says, oh, retirement,
I'm just gonna sit on the couch for a year.
I'm not going to do a darn thing. I'm not
going anywhere, I'm not talking to anyone. The house is
just fine. I just need a year. Well, if neither
one of them communicates that, retirement can be a little
tiny bit rocky. So there's two parts to communication. One
is having that chat before you retire and your expectations
of what your retirement looks like, and then keeping that
conversation and that retirement open as you've retired, and after
you keep that going, and then sort of the next
one I guess that we went through and I alluded
to that was it really can test your roles, and
that's totally fine. As I said, we did have our roles.
I don't think that we ever really talked about our roles.
But you know, I looked after the house. I kind
of looked after the kids, I worked, I still worked
full time. Ken looked after the cars, and looked after
the yard and the garage. That was sort of the roles,
I guess, and we knew that we were comfortable with that.
We carried those responsibilities, but then retirement happened, and all
of a sudden, why do I have to cook dinner
every single night you're no longer working eve, Why do
I have to clean up so much? And then he
sings the same thing, go out and do something in
the yard. Why do I have to do the whole
yard even though I hate in the yard. So we
really needed to kind of say that, and that's where
communication happens. I'll go and I have no problem saying nowadays, yeah,
I just don't feel like cooking to night, Kenny, why
don't you do that? Or can we order something in
or whatever? And he'll say something like, you know, I
know you don't like the yard work, but that tree,
would you mind tomin that? Sometimes sure communicate and redefine
our roles. It's perfect. And then I think the next
one would be we've just learned that. Although we took
a lot of big trips this last year, as I
think if you've watched my channel, you know I'm a
a guest lecturer on a cruise ship and we were
in twenty nine different countries, fourteen different cruises this past year.
So we took a lot of big trips and had
a lot of big adventures, but really a lot of
our peace and togetherness and love. Although we love each
other I think all the time, but a lot of
our love came from, you know, we just sit together
and we talk, or we don't even talk, we just share.
I don't drinkffee, but I have a diet coke and
then he has a coffee. He'll come for a walk
with me now and we'll go for a nice walks
and just have a conversation and we laugh. We laugh
a lot, And so although there is fun in doing
the big grand things, there's just fun and enjoyment in
being present and being together. And the last one I
think I've learned, after you know a number of years
now is retirement is less about I'm going to use
the word passion. I don't mean sexually, but passion, passion,
excitement and better. And it's more just about partnership, I believe,
or in our case, thank goodness, love. Our love is
deepened more so in retirement. It becomes a little bit steadier, gentler,
more forgiving, and maybe we both kind of mel in
our old older years. I no longer want to achieve
what I wanted to achieve. I no longer care if
anybody like I don't care about things. I actually have
a video I never thought about. I'll link it in
the comments about I don't care. The older I get,
the less I care. So I don't care about what
other people think anymore. I don't have to keep up
with other things, and neither does he. We've both mellowed,
so for us, it's really just about being there for
each other, listening to each other, being with each other
and it feels good. So marriage. Believe me, marriage after
retirement is not perfect, of course, but it wasn't perfect
before retirement. But it feels good to me again. I
think we've mellowed, We've learned a lot about each other.
I think we listen more to each other, we understand
each other more. And if you're willing to meet your
part with a little bit of patience, a little bit
of grace, and understand where they're coming from, then retirement
really can be one of the most meaningful chapters of
your life together, something that you love and experience all
of the time. It's still not easy, but it's real.
So wherever you are, I hope you just think about
these things and make your retirement in your marriage the
most remarkable that it can be. So, what's one thing
that your retirement has changed in your relationship? I would
love to hear, because we can all learn from one another. Again,
I'm Maureen, this is life start at retirement. I produce
a retirement lifestyle video once a week and thank you
so much for watching us. See you next time. To
be sure includ