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Speaker 1: When we retire, we spend countless hours planning for the money,

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counting our money, making sure we have enough. We think

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about what we're going to do, when, where we're gonna go,

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and you know, prepare a bucket list. But what really

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no one really talks about is what happens to a

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marriage after we retire. I'm worrying Dobranski.

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Speaker 2: This his life starts at retirement, and today I'm just

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gonna have a bit of an open and honest conversation

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about some of the ups and some of the downs

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we experienced when we both first retired, because all of

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the sudden, if you think about it.

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Speaker 1: We're together twenty fours a day, seven days a week,

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three hundred and sixty five days a year. Because if

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I look at ours, so before retirement, after retirement, let's

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think about that. So before retirement, we had sort of

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built in roles, built in maybe I don't know space

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is we all we always were in this same space,

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but built in roles. We had different schedules, different routines,

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different rhythms. We knew who did what my sort of

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area was the house. Ken was more in the garage

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and took care of the cars. I kind of made

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most of the decisions about the kids. I mean, if

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it was something big, obviously that we chatted about it,

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but you know, for the day to day kind of stuff,

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the kids were my kind of area, got them clothes,

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et cetera. And then and then we're both home together, retirement,

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our lives and holy cow, you know every single thing,

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all of the meals, the morning coffee, the the everything.

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We were together, all of the decisions, and it can

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be wonderful, but it could be overwhelming.

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Speaker 3: At times, and trust me, at times it has been.

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So here's a couple of I don't know if you

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want to call them lessons or thoughts that we've went

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through that has helped us in our marriage, but sometimes

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it was a challenge to get to those places.

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Speaker 1: The first one and no to the first one. I

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always say I love my husband. I really do. I

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can't imagine being married to anyone else. But love needs space.

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Even even when we're when we feel great about each other,

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sometimes love needs space. And it's one of the first

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things that I realized is a healthy marriage oftentimes allows

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for separate interests. It allows for some quiet time, It

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allows for a little bit of independence, just because you

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love each other, and just because you live together doesn't

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mean you need to spend that twenty four hours a day,

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seven days a week together. So for us, we've you know,

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we've adjusted ken golfs twice a week with the guys.

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He's out golfing right now. I golf twice a week

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with the ladies. We try to golf once together. We

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have same interests, similar interests, but we have interests that

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are apart. He has some guys come down here typically

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once a year and they do a golfing week. I'll

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go with my mom and my sister, maybe on a

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cruise or somewhere, spending time with my family. So just

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because we're apart a little bit, that doesn't mean that

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we love each other any less. In fact, it strengthens

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our marriage. And so I say that proudly, and I

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say that without any guilt. So if you're just retiring,

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don't I would recommend, and to each's own, but I

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would recommend, don't just feel like you do have to

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spend that twenty four hours a day, seven days a

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week together because you don't. So the next thing, I

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guess we really had to relearn each other. And I

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guess that's something I didn't expect, and I say, relearn

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it's because we always change. We always do change, and

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not so much in dramatic ways anymore. But really, years ago,

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before retirement, we kind of knew what we were stressed.

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We had bills to bay, we had bosses to please,

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we had deadlines to meet, we had freeways to driver,

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to go out of town to work. We kind of

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got into that routine, I guess, and it worked for us.

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And then all of a sudden that routine was gone.

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The kids grew up and left home. Darn kids. Anyhow,

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our bosses now no longer are our bosses. We don't

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have the stresses of what we used to have. So

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our priorities changed, our energy changed, our interests changed and evolved,

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and so we kind of one day well, I don't

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know about him, but me, I was kind of looking going, well,

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who is this guy I married? Now? He's very very

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different than what than he used to be. My word

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for twenty twenty six is curious. I love to use

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that word. So instead of just assuming that I knew

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him and that I you know, oh he's the same

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old I just kind of look around and say, okay, well,

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what are his interests? Now? Can I maybe become interested

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a little bit in some of them and become a

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part of that, or you know, should I develop my

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own interests a little bit more? So, Yeah, we've changed

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and we need to sort of relearn each other. And

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then this is a big one for most married couples

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that I talk to. Communication really has to be kind

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and clear. And I think it's because the more time

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you spend together things get louder. I don't know how

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to how to say it differently. Tone really matters, timing

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really matters, silence matters, and retirement are being together really

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taught me that that unspoke, if you don't speak, unspoken

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expectations create create the most tension. So if I'm expecting

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Ken just to read my mind and know what I want,

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that's not going to happen. Or if he's expecting me

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to do be or say something or be okay with

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something without telling me, that's not going to happen. So

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we really need to talk more. And I know this

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is coming from a woman. Guys don't like the talking,

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but even just a little a little thing, Hey, what

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do you want to do tonight? Or do you have

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anything planned I was thinking of doing this, do you mind?

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And it's not so much for his permission, because I

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really don't need his permission or need neither does he

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need my permission. It's just to be courteous. It's just

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to understand each other. It is just a common courtesy.

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And then more than more than just that asking, hey,

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do you mind about this? Is I've seen a lot

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of people. They and I talk to everybody about retirement,

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so I've seen a lot of people. They both have

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their unspoken expectations about what retirement's going to be. And

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the wife maybe says, I'm gonna we're going to travel,

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we're gonna go to all of these places, we're going

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to redecorate the house. We're going to do this, And

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the husband maybe or the other partner says, oh, retirement,

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I'm just gonna sit on the couch for a year.

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I'm not going to do a darn thing. I'm not

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going anywhere, I'm not talking to anyone. The house is

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just fine. I just need a year. Well, if neither

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one of them communicates that, retirement can be a little

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tiny bit rocky. So there's two parts to communication. One

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is having that chat before you retire and your expectations

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of what your retirement looks like, and then keeping that

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conversation and that retirement open as you've retired, and after

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you keep that going, and then sort of the next

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one I guess that we went through and I alluded

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to that was it really can test your roles, and

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that's totally fine. As I said, we did have our roles.

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I don't think that we ever really talked about our roles.

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But you know, I looked after the house. I kind

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of looked after the kids, I worked, I still worked

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full time. Ken looked after the cars, and looked after

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the yard and the garage. That was sort of the roles,

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I guess, and we knew that we were comfortable with that.

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We carried those responsibilities, but then retirement happened, and all

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of a sudden, why do I have to cook dinner

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every single night you're no longer working eve, Why do

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I have to clean up so much? And then he

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sings the same thing, go out and do something in

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the yard. Why do I have to do the whole

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yard even though I hate in the yard. So we

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really needed to kind of say that, and that's where

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communication happens. I'll go and I have no problem saying nowadays, yeah,

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I just don't feel like cooking to night, Kenny, why

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don't you do that? Or can we order something in

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or whatever? And he'll say something like, you know, I

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know you don't like the yard work, but that tree,

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would you mind tomin that? Sometimes sure communicate and redefine

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our roles. It's perfect. And then I think the next

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one would be we've just learned that. Although we took

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a lot of big trips this last year, as I

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think if you've watched my channel, you know I'm a

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a guest lecturer on a cruise ship and we were

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in twenty nine different countries, fourteen different cruises this past year.

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So we took a lot of big trips and had

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a lot of big adventures, but really a lot of

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our peace and togetherness and love. Although we love each

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other I think all the time, but a lot of

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our love came from, you know, we just sit together

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and we talk, or we don't even talk, we just share.

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I don't drinkffee, but I have a diet coke and

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then he has a coffee. He'll come for a walk

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with me now and we'll go for a nice walks

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and just have a conversation and we laugh. We laugh

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a lot, And so although there is fun in doing

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the big grand things, there's just fun and enjoyment in

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being present and being together. And the last one I

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think I've learned, after you know a number of years

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now is retirement is less about I'm going to use

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the word passion. I don't mean sexually, but passion, passion,

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excitement and better. And it's more just about partnership, I believe,

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or in our case, thank goodness, love. Our love is

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deepened more so in retirement. It becomes a little bit steadier, gentler,

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more forgiving, and maybe we both kind of mel in

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our old older years. I no longer want to achieve

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what I wanted to achieve. I no longer care if

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anybody like I don't care about things. I actually have

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a video I never thought about. I'll link it in

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the comments about I don't care. The older I get,

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the less I care. So I don't care about what

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other people think anymore. I don't have to keep up

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with other things, and neither does he. We've both mellowed,

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so for us, it's really just about being there for

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each other, listening to each other, being with each other

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and it feels good. So marriage. Believe me, marriage after

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retirement is not perfect, of course, but it wasn't perfect

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before retirement. But it feels good to me again. I

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think we've mellowed, We've learned a lot about each other.

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I think we listen more to each other, we understand

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each other more. And if you're willing to meet your

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part with a little bit of patience, a little bit

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of grace, and understand where they're coming from, then retirement

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really can be one of the most meaningful chapters of

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your life together, something that you love and experience all

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of the time. It's still not easy, but it's real.

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So wherever you are, I hope you just think about

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these things and make your retirement in your marriage the

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most remarkable that it can be. So, what's one thing

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that your retirement has changed in your relationship? I would

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love to hear, because we can all learn from one another. Again,

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I'm Maureen, this is life start at retirement. I produce

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a retirement lifestyle video once a week and thank you

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so much for watching us. See you next time. To

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be sure includ