WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.799 --> 00:00:06.799 Hello, I'm welcome to cheating all the time. Glad you 2 00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:10.880 are here. Let's get into this next crizye sheet. The 3 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:12.880 soft glow of my phone screen was the only light 4 00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:15.320 in the hallway as I patted toward the bedroom. It 5 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:17.839 was late for almost midnight, the house mostly silent except 6 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:19.199 for the light hum of the fridge in the faint 7 00:00:19.239 --> 00:00:22.399 traffic outside our window. I was coming back from brushing 8 00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:24.839 my teeth, my mind drifting to nothing in particular, ready 9 00:00:24.839 --> 00:00:26.920 to collapse into bed next to Olivia, the same way 10 00:00:26.960 --> 00:00:29.760 I had so many nights before. But that night I 11 00:00:29.800 --> 00:00:32.520 noticed something off. Olivia was sitting on the edge of 12 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:35.920 the bed, back hunched, phone cradled in both hands. As 13 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:38.079 she heard my footsteps on the wooden floor. She snapped 14 00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:40.159 her head up, eyes wide and quick, almost ferreal for 15 00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:42.320 a second, then quickly slid her phone under the pillow 16 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:45.159 at her side. She tried for a nonchalant smile, but 17 00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:47.640 her lips barely curved before she looked away, fiddling with 18 00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:51.200 her earing. Hey it, I said, rising eyebrow, Everything all right. 19 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:54.479 Her eyes flicked to mine, then passed me before she 20 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:57.159 could answer. Her phone buzz again, a small bright notification 21 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:00.200 slipping onto the screen. I only caught a glimpse, just 22 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:04.079 a red heart emoji, no name, just a heart. Olivia's 23 00:01:04.079 --> 00:01:06.000 hand shot out to snatch the phone, flipping her face 24 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:08.719 down like it burned her. Just the group chap from work, 25 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:12.079 she said, too quickly. Her tone was practiced, almost bored, 26 00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:13.599 but there was a false edge to it, like she'd 27 00:01:13.640 --> 00:01:16.879 rehearsed the words a hundred times. Pretty lively group chap 28 00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:19.439 for midnight. I tried keeping my voice light. I have 29 00:01:19.519 --> 00:01:21.840 her near the doorway, pretending to check my phone while 30 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.799 glancing at her. She let out a laugh, sharp and short, 31 00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:27.840 not quite reaching her eyes. He wouldn't get. It's just 32 00:01:27.879 --> 00:01:30.480 an inside joke, she said, not bothering to explain nor 33 00:01:30.519 --> 00:01:33.040 relay the joke, like she usually did with funny office doors. 34 00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:36.200 We'd always been open with each other, shivering little silliness 35 00:01:36.200 --> 00:01:39.480 from our days croup chap memes, venting about coworkers. Now 36 00:01:39.519 --> 00:01:41.799 she seemed to be closing a door she'd always left open. 37 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:45.079 My stomach turned a strange sensation, like standing at the 38 00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:47.519 edge of a cliff he didn't know was there. Olivia 39 00:01:47.560 --> 00:01:49.680 turned away, propping herself on the pillow so the phone 40 00:01:49.719 --> 00:01:51.719 was out of my sight. She at all cold, how 41 00:01:51.719 --> 00:01:54.159 phones do not disturb mode. With a quick practice flick 42 00:01:54.200 --> 00:01:56.840 of her thumb, we should get some sleep, she murmured, 43 00:01:56.920 --> 00:01:59.519 a little too eager to move things along. We both 44 00:01:59.519 --> 00:02:02.159 have already mornings to morrow. As she lay down and 45 00:02:02.200 --> 00:02:04.480 tugged the comforter over her shoulder. I tried to brush 46 00:02:04.519 --> 00:02:07.000 aside the weirdness, telling myself I was reading into things, 47 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:09.280 but I couldn't shake the image of that heart on 48 00:02:09.319 --> 00:02:11.240 the screen away. She hid in her phone, the sudden 49 00:02:11.240 --> 00:02:14.960 wall between us, invisibly yet tangible. I climbed him beside her, 50 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:16.639 listening to her steady breathing and the dick of the 51 00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:18.919 bedside clock, wondering what I was supposed to do with 52 00:02:18.960 --> 00:02:22.159 my uneasy mind. Before that night, we'd been, for all 53 00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:24.800 outward appearances and much of my heart, the couple everyone envied. 54 00:02:24.840 --> 00:02:28.080 At least that's how it deveelt. I remember meeting Olivia 55 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.199 at a crowded party thrown by a mutual friend who 56 00:02:30.240 --> 00:02:33.319 summers ago swept clinging to plastic cups, laughter rising in 57 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:36.479 the sticky city. Someone had spilt sangia, and as we 58 00:02:36.520 --> 00:02:38.960 knelt side by side to grabb napkins, our hands bumped 59 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:41.080 and both of us cracked up at how ridiculous it was. 60 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:44.520 She had this sort of instant confidence, open direct, her gaze, 61 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:47.759 searching and unafraid. We talked for hours that night, ignoring 62 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:51.360 the busy conversations around us. By midnight, as people started 63 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:53.919 throwing jackets over their shoulders and culling red yers, I 64 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.800 was already certain I wanted to see her again. When 65 00:02:56.800 --> 00:02:58.680 I walked her to her apartment, she squeezed my hand 66 00:02:58.680 --> 00:03:01.360 with no hesitation and said, text me, even if it's late, 67 00:03:01.400 --> 00:03:04.639 I wouldn't mind. We became inseparable with startling speed, our 68 00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:06.800 lives slotting together as though they'd both been waiting for 69 00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:10.520 the other. Every morning. We'd tumbled downstairs to make breakfast together, 70 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:13.240 her at the espresso machine, MI scrambling eggs, music thumping 71 00:03:13.240 --> 00:03:16.599 from the blueted speaker. Olivia would swell me with elaborate lunches, 72 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:18.639 or slip a folded sticky note into my cook pocket. 73 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:21.439 Have a great day. Three, Oh we plan We kend 74 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:23.479 a ventures, hiking trails out of the city or checking 75 00:03:23.479 --> 00:03:25.879 out new brunch spots, always texting each other a little 76 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:28.400 up its stir in the day. There hadn't been secrets 77 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:30.879 back then if her phone beeped, should hand it to me? 78 00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:34.000 See what my sister said. We'd laugh over means. Friends 79 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:35.879 sent to our group chat and tease each other if 80 00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:39.520 someone told an embarrassing childhood story. I love those reassuring 81 00:03:39.560 --> 00:03:42.039 messages from Olivia, can't wait to see you tonight or 82 00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:45.120 miss you already? Three sometimes mid morning, sometimes as I 83 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:47.560 was heading home. I never had to reach far from 84 00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:51.240 her affection. Her phone was always unlocked, rarely guarded, and 85 00:03:51.280 --> 00:03:53.560 she'd often toss it on the table, trusting and open. 86 00:03:54.120 --> 00:03:57.800 That unspoken sense of security was our foundation. Our friends 87 00:03:57.840 --> 00:04:00.599 would raise the glasses at gatherings, saying how obvious it 88 00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:02.719 was we belonged together, how rare it was that any 89 00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:04.919 two people felt so comfortable like we'd been together for 90 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:08.759 decades instead of months. At barbecue or birthdays, Olivia would 91 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:11.159 rest her head on my shoulder, slipping her hand into mine, 92 00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:13.080 and I felt as if I had somehow locked into 93 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:16.800 something precious. We started planning a future was always part joke, 94 00:04:17.040 --> 00:04:21.079 part genuine hope. We traded vacation ideas, back hacking in Spain, 95 00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:24.959 maybe renting a cabin in upstate New York. Sometimes late 96 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:27.399 at night with sleep blurring our voices. We talk about 97 00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:29.560 apartments we might move into, even kiddin about names for 98 00:04:29.600 --> 00:04:33.199 possible kids someday. The future felt tactile, iris to sculpt. 99 00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:35.560 All this came to mind as I lay there beside 100 00:04:35.560 --> 00:04:37.920 Olivia that night, her profile outlined by the city go 101 00:04:37.959 --> 00:04:41.560 through the window. How could anything really be wrong? Maybe 102 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:43.720 I was just tired, letting Paranoi get the best of me. 103 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:46.279 That was the story, I repeated to myself as I 104 00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:49.959 drifted toward an easy sleep. But of course, doubt doesn't 105 00:04:49.920 --> 00:04:52.879 dissipate just because you wish it would. It grows quietly, 106 00:04:52.920 --> 00:04:56.240 finding places you never would have expected. Things didn't shift 107 00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:58.079 over night, at least not in a way that would 108 00:04:58.079 --> 00:05:00.879 have been obvious to any one else. It stouted small, 109 00:05:00.920 --> 00:05:04.319 tiny changes in Olivia's routine, disturbances and equilibrium I trusted. 110 00:05:04.920 --> 00:05:07.160 She started coming home late, saying work was warmp to 111 00:05:07.199 --> 00:05:09.600 clients had shifted deadlines on her at the last minute. 112 00:05:10.040 --> 00:05:12.480 With the teams in crisis mode, she shrugged, tossing her 113 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:14.519 back on to the couch with the tie of flourish. 114 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:16.720 A few nights in a row, she breathed in much 115 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:20.000 later than usual, apologetic but distracted her eyes, already scanning 116 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:22.120 emails on her phone as she kicked off her shoes. 117 00:05:22.759 --> 00:05:24.839 I tried to be understanding. Her job had always been 118 00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:27.360 high pressure. Late nights used to be an occasional thing, 119 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.800 but there was a new tense energy about her. She'd 120 00:05:30.839 --> 00:05:33.839 eat dinner absently, hardly tasting a bite, her mind elsewhere. 121 00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:36.680 Sometimes she'd wolfed down her food, mutter I need to 122 00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:39.160 check something real quick, and slip into the bedroom or 123 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:42.279 even the bathroom, fung glued to her hand. The strangest 124 00:05:42.360 --> 00:05:44.680 night came in the middle of the week. We'd both 125 00:05:44.680 --> 00:05:47.160 been dragging after a long day at least I was 126 00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:49.839 around midnight. As I was settling in with a book, 127 00:05:49.959 --> 00:05:52.879 Olivia's phone buzzed in the night stand. She snatched it 128 00:05:52.959 --> 00:05:55.279 up and hurried out of the room, saying over her shoulder, 129 00:05:55.519 --> 00:05:57.959 need to take a quick call, be right back. I 130 00:05:58.040 --> 00:06:00.600 heard her voice, low and careful, drifting through the closed 131 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:03.879 bathroom door. Every so often a shop whisper or a 132 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:06.399 quick forced giggle would punctuate her words, but they were 133 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:08.959 so muffled I couldn't make them out. She hung up 134 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:11.920 and returned, slipping back under the covers without meeting my eyes. 135 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:14.920 After that night, I noticed something new. Her phone now 136 00:06:14.959 --> 00:06:18.439 sported a six digit passcode. Before she'd used just a swipe, 137 00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:20.680 never worrying about me or any one else poking through 138 00:06:20.680 --> 00:06:23.879 her messages. But now, the moment her phone vibrated, she 139 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:25.759 type in the coat in a practice, moved, shielding the 140 00:06:25.759 --> 00:06:27.759 screen with her hand, as if being careful not to 141 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:30.279 let me see even a glimpse. I tried not to 142 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:32.519 let it eat at me. I told myself, let her 143 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:35.199 have her privacy, you trust her that There was a 144 00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:38.120 sense of being shut out of unexplained boundaries suddenly rising 145 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:42.160 between us. Still, I had to ask one evening, as 146 00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:44.480 we finished dinner, I casually reached for her hand, which 147 00:06:44.519 --> 00:06:46.879 she had left on the table near her phone. Who's 148 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:49.560 been texting you so much lately? I tried for a 149 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:53.519 teasing tone, hoping to entice a smile. Instead, Olivia's head 150 00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:56.439 snapped up, her as narrown just a touch. It's just 151 00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.600 work stuff, Alex. Why are you being weird? Her voice 152 00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:02.839 was abrupt, edged with annoyings I didn't recognize. I blinked, 153 00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:05.920 suddenly rumfooded. I wanted to say, that's not how we 154 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:08.439 talk to each other, but I let a drop even 155 00:07:08.439 --> 00:07:10.399 as I watched her thumb back a message, the ghost 156 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:13.120 of a smile crossing her lips before she replied. She 157 00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:14.920 didn't offer to share the joke of the story in 158 00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:17.399 her pawn. She simply went back to her private conversation, 159 00:07:17.600 --> 00:07:20.160 leaving me or sensibly her partner shut out. As the 160 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.160 knights passed, the pattern deepened. She'd sit across the table 161 00:07:23.160 --> 00:07:25.959 from me, pahone tilted away, lost in whatever conversation she 162 00:07:26.040 --> 00:07:28.920 was having. She'd break into a small, secretive smile at 163 00:07:28.920 --> 00:07:32.240 something on screen, refusing to explain, just brushing my curiosity 164 00:07:32.240 --> 00:07:34.839 away with a distracted just boring stuff. You wouldn't care. 165 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:37.879 I told myself it was a phase, that work was stressful, 166 00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:40.720 and maybe she was decompressing with office banter. But in 167 00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:42.959 quiet moments, a bitter taste grew in my mouth, doubt 168 00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:45.800 mixed with the sharp tann of humiliation. It's funny how 169 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:48.199 you took yourself into believing in the best version of someone, 170 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:51.000 even when the reality begins to slip. But love can 171 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:53.399 make you stubbornly optimistic, chasing them a rush of trust, 172 00:07:53.439 --> 00:07:55.879 all the while the ground shifts beneath your feet. I 173 00:07:55.879 --> 00:07:58.240 started seeing clear lines drawn where a warm used to be. 174 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:01.399 Olivia became more and more debt to hiding whatever kept 175 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:03.720 her so busy on her phone, she'd linger at the 176 00:08:03.800 --> 00:08:06.639 edge of her bed, back turned fingers flying over messages. 177 00:08:07.240 --> 00:08:09.879 If I tried to inclose her, even simply to snuggle up, 178 00:08:09.879 --> 00:08:11.839 she'd angle her body away and lock her phone in 179 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:13.600 a single flick, as if it was the most natural 180 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:17.000 move in the world. Just answering emails, she'd say, not 181 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:21.040 meeting my eyes. Date nights became disposable casualtis to never end, 182 00:08:21.079 --> 00:08:24.680 inclined meetings or urgent deadlines. I'd buy tickets to show 183 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:26.399 I thought she'd love, and she text me at the 184 00:08:26.439 --> 00:08:29.839 last minute, sorrowy, babe, something came up. Can we reschedule? 185 00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:32.320 If I press for details, she'd wave me away. Boh, 186 00:08:32.320 --> 00:08:35.679 it's just were crap, nothing interesting. Work, which she used 187 00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:37.919 to be a subject of lively shared stores, exciting and 188 00:08:37.960 --> 00:08:40.279 exhausting in turns, was now a black box I was 189 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:43.360 no longer permitted to open. One night, after I'd showered, 190 00:08:43.399 --> 00:08:45.600 toweling off in the warmth of the bathroom, a return 191 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:47.919 to the living room to find Olivia hunched over her phone, 192 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:51.360 rapidly typing. The screen was illuminated under the lamp, a 193 00:08:51.360 --> 00:08:54.799 stream of messages populating from someone saved as Mark. As 194 00:08:54.799 --> 00:08:56.840 I entered, she jerked the phone from the coffee table, 195 00:08:56.879 --> 00:08:59.240 pressing it to her chest like a precious secret. I 196 00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:03.600 tried to play Who's Mark? I asked, half expecting her 197 00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:06.919 to laugh at my jealousy. She didn't laugh at just 198 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:11.159 the project manager Alex. He's annoying, always checking in after ires. 199 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:14.279 She returned her attention to her phone, ending the conversation, 200 00:09:14.879 --> 00:09:17.519 but I remembered her mentioning Mark only in passing before, 201 00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:21.159 and never warranting such frequent after eyres communication. I now 202 00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:23.440 caught her referring to him more and more, always with 203 00:09:23.480 --> 00:09:25.759 the roll of her eyes in exasperation, but her words 204 00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:29.159 didn't quite match her expression. Sometimes she laughed softly at 205 00:09:29.159 --> 00:09:31.679 her own screen, a touch of genuine excitement slipping out 206 00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:34.080 before she could mask it. All of this started to 207 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:36.080 add up to her feeling I could no longer ignore. 208 00:09:36.840 --> 00:09:38.840 She was growing distant in ways that had nothing to 209 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:41.919 do with work. She'd stopped reaching out to hold my hand, 210 00:09:42.039 --> 00:09:44.919 stop curling into me during our evenings at home. If 211 00:09:44.919 --> 00:09:47.279 I tried to start something in I recital talk or 212 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:49.639 to reach for hooks, she shied away, mumbling about being 213 00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:52.759 tired or distress. There were other signals too, that didn't 214 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:55.919 fit any of her explanations. Once I heard her on 215 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.200 the phone in the living room, her tone soft and high, 216 00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:00.480 a playfulness in her laugh, I hadn't heard it weeks. 217 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:05.240 She was teasing someone making plans or so next Friday, right, yeah, 218 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:07.559 I can't wait either. But when she hung up and 219 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:10.360 I asked who was that, she just shrugged and said nobody. 220 00:10:10.440 --> 00:10:13.440 Work stuff. The following week, she left the apartment in 221 00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:16.519 the evening twice, saying she'd forgotten something at the office. 222 00:10:17.039 --> 00:10:20.120 Both times, she was gone longer than I expected. When 223 00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:22.159 she returned, her hair was rumpled in a way it 224 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:24.919 never was before work, a blouse slightly askewed, even her 225 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:28.440 lipstick freshly faded. I tried not to jump to conclusions, 226 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:31.240 rationalizing it as nothing. Maybe she just ran into some rain, 227 00:10:31.559 --> 00:10:34.080 or the night was winded than I realized. But the 228 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:36.399 excuses were potting up, each sticking to the last, like 229 00:10:36.480 --> 00:10:39.799 magnolia leaves in the storm. Whenever I gingerly approached her 230 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:42.399 about her odd schedule or those incessant late night messages, 231 00:10:42.600 --> 00:10:46.840 Olivia grew tense, sometimes dismissive, rolling her eyes, other times defensive, 232 00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:50.000 snapping that I was interrogating her for no reason. Social 233 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:53.480 media became its own subtle battleground. I noticed Olivia's prose 234 00:10:53.519 --> 00:10:55.919 pinging at off ires, sometimes showing her tige that bars 235 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:58.279 or cafays where she'd insisted she was stuck late at work. 236 00:10:58.919 --> 00:11:00.960 She'd laugh it off. We just to drink after that 237 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:03.720 conference call team morale, you know. But she never mentioned 238 00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:06.639 these outings in advance, as she always used to. Our 239 00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:09.879 friends saw things. One evening, as we sat at dinner, 240 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:12.639 my friend Clarissa grinned saw Olivia out with her workraub 241 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:14.559 last Tuesday. Look like you were having fun. You and 242 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:17.799 Mark seemed cozy, like old friends. I tried to catch 243 00:11:17.799 --> 00:11:20.840 Olivia's eye, but she only shrugged that familiar dismissive look. 244 00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:23.639 It was just a group hang out, don't read into it. 245 00:11:23.639 --> 00:11:26.039 It felt like a thousand tiny betrayals strung together in 246 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:29.559 codd laughter and Victor Niles. Olivia was slipping away, and 247 00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:31.600 I didn't know how to grub holp without feeling like 248 00:11:31.639 --> 00:11:35.039 I was suffocating someone I loved. Every instinct screamed at me, 249 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:37.480 but my loyalty felt stronger, than my suspicion, a tug 250 00:11:37.480 --> 00:11:39.559 of war that left me sleepers and confused every night. 251 00:11:40.159 --> 00:11:43.519 Then the discovery came, the real, undenoble breach that drew 252 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:45.360 back the curtain and forced me to confront what I 253 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:48.159 had hoped was just anxiety. It happened on a normal 254 00:11:48.200 --> 00:11:51.399 Thursday evening. Olivia had just returned from the gym, She said, 255 00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:54.080 her hair down, cheeks flush, and she headed for quick shower. 256 00:11:54.759 --> 00:11:56.919 I'd been checking an email for Walk on her laptop 257 00:11:57.039 --> 00:11:59.039 left open on the dining room table, a device SHED 258 00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:01.879 never guarded before. As I reached for my own phone, 259 00:12:01.960 --> 00:12:04.639 I noticed her mail tab blinking with new activity. It 260 00:12:04.759 --> 00:12:07.080 wasn't like me to snoop, but something compelled me, a 261 00:12:07.159 --> 00:12:10.799 quiet but insistent urge. There in the opening box were 262 00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:13.840 a dozen or so emails exchanged with Mark. I couldn't 263 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:17.440 help but read them. Tone was unmistakable intimacy pouring out 264 00:12:17.440 --> 00:12:21.200 from beneath professional phrases and inside jokes. One e mail read, 265 00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:23.360 can't wait to see you to night last night was perfect. 266 00:12:23.960 --> 00:12:26.080 Another wish I could spend the whole weekend with you. 267 00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:28.720 Miss you already the dates lined up with the nights. 268 00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:31.399 Olivia said she was working late, were out with coworkers. 269 00:12:31.799 --> 00:12:34.399 My throat went dry. A weight pressed into my chest 270 00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:36.960 so hard I felt I might be sick. I closed 271 00:12:36.960 --> 00:12:40.320 the browser window, hard hammering. I stood pacing the kitchen, 272 00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:43.559 mind spinning. I needed air, but instead I moved to 273 00:12:43.559 --> 00:12:46.320 the bookshelf, trying to look purposeful, giving myself anything to 274 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:49.759 do besides reacting. That night, as Olivis left, I remembered 275 00:12:49.799 --> 00:12:51.639 the shared photo album we used on our phones for 276 00:12:51.720 --> 00:12:55.240 vacations and weekends. Idly, in a daze, I scrolled through, 277 00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:58.480 looking for comfort, reminders of better days, but new photos 278 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:01.240 had seen timages I hadn't seen before. There she was 279 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:04.039 with Mark at a rooftop bar, their faces close, Olivia's 280 00:13:04.039 --> 00:13:06.799 had on his shoulder, her smile soft and private. The 281 00:13:06.840 --> 00:13:08.879 photo was date stamped for last Friday, the night she 282 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:12.039 texted she'd be working late. Sorry. My hands trembled as 283 00:13:12.039 --> 00:13:14.759 I locked my phone. The wool seemed to tilt slightly. 284 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:17.639 It wasn't the erechle any more, suspicion a tone, a 285 00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:21.399 guardive phone. It was proof, sharp and clear, getting inrrefutable. 286 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:25.000 I didn't sleep. Somewhere around three in the morning, as 287 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:27.720 the city itself when quiet, I heard Olivia stirr, mumbling 288 00:13:27.759 --> 00:13:30.720 softly in her sleep. My mind wandered in jag of loops. 289 00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:33.600 How long had this been going on? Why him? What 290 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:36.600 did he have that I didn't? Shame and anger tangled together, 291 00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:39.519 impossible to separate. I tried to make sense of it 292 00:13:39.559 --> 00:13:41.840 all the next day, searching for answers in the debris 293 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:45.320 of our recent months, but the evidence kept coming, unwilling 294 00:13:45.320 --> 00:13:48.240 to let me rest. That Saturday, as I returned home 295 00:13:48.279 --> 00:13:50.600 early from lunchroth a friend, I overheard Olivia on the 296 00:13:50.600 --> 00:13:53.039 phone in the hallway. She didn't know I was close 297 00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:56.759 enough to listen. Her voice shook. I can't keep doing this, 298 00:13:56.960 --> 00:13:59.639 she whispered. I don't know how to end it with Alex. 299 00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:01.559 I keep putting it off, and it just makes it worse. 300 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:03.639 I know, I know, I have to tell him. It's 301 00:14:03.720 --> 00:14:06.399 just hard o K. She didn't see me, and when 302 00:14:06.440 --> 00:14:08.360 I shuffled my keys, she hung up in a flash 303 00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:11.039 and darted into the kitchen with a brittle smile. Hey, 304 00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:14.440 honorable house, Your day. I played dumb, chatting about lunch, 305 00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:16.519 but there was no hiding the dread now settling in 306 00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:19.360 my bones. Later that week, as I went over my 307 00:14:19.399 --> 00:14:22.240 credit card notifications and alert flagged a large charge at 308 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:25.559 her restaurant. I didn't recognize fancy, expensive, the kind of 309 00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:28.519 place we always planned to visit but hadn't yet. The 310 00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:30.679 charge was dated for one of her late office nights. 311 00:14:31.399 --> 00:14:33.919 My hand shook as I dug deeper. I checked her 312 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:35.840 bag one morning when she was in the shower, looking 313 00:14:35.879 --> 00:14:39.039 for a charger. Instead, I found a small gift box 314 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:41.600 nestled in the side pocket. I almost put it back 315 00:14:41.639 --> 00:14:44.919 without touching it, but curiosity overrote my guilt. Inside was 316 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:47.799 a delicately rat bracelet and a handritten card for Oh, 317 00:14:47.879 --> 00:14:51.039 with all my love M. I could hardly breathe. The 318 00:14:51.080 --> 00:14:53.960 evidence encircled me like a net, growing tighter every day. 319 00:14:54.600 --> 00:14:56.720 The more I tried to rationalize, the more I understood 320 00:14:56.759 --> 00:14:59.919 rationalization was no longer an option. I tried not to 321 00:15:00.039 --> 00:15:02.159 break down right then and there, Clinging to routines, I 322 00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:04.679 made the bed poor coffee, brushed my teeth with tense, 323 00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:08.039 precise movements. Every normal thing felt off, like I was 324 00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:10.720 acting in a parody of our old life. Olivia moved 325 00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:13.600 through the days of taught anxious energy, rarely looking me 326 00:15:13.639 --> 00:15:16.480 in the eye, her phone never far her last hollow infrequent. 327 00:15:17.159 --> 00:15:19.600 I had to know for certain. I needed the truth, 328 00:15:19.679 --> 00:15:22.879 painful or not, so I started to act. First, I 329 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:25.480 checked our phone bill. It was something we'd set up 330 00:15:25.519 --> 00:15:28.600 to pay automatically as shared account. I looked at the 331 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:31.559 coal logs, feeling slightly dirty in my snooping, yet propelled 332 00:15:31.559 --> 00:15:34.639 by desperate need for answers. Sure enough, there were frequent 333 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:37.240 coals to Mark's number, often late at night, sometimes twice 334 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:39.840 in the same hour. These weren't the quick work chirkins 335 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:43.639 she pretended. Some lasted over an ire, calls well after midnight, 336 00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:46.440 when I was presumably asleep beside her. I knew now 337 00:15:46.440 --> 00:15:49.200 that pretending ignorance would only pull on the limber. So 338 00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:51.679 the next Thursday, I left work early and drove near 339 00:15:51.720 --> 00:15:55.440 Olivia's office. I parked the cross from the entrance, watching 340 00:15:55.440 --> 00:15:59.200 the revolving doors. I waited, telling myself this was insane, 341 00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:01.320 that she would come out alone and I'd feel foolish 342 00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:04.840 and relieved. But as dusk turned to evening, Olivia exited, 343 00:16:04.840 --> 00:16:08.759 not alone. Mark followed close behind, laughing his hand brushing 344 00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:10.840 her back in a gesture. At once casual and intimate, 345 00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:14.000 outside where they thought no one could see, they lingered 346 00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:17.480 laughing quietly, then plain as day. They hugged, not the friendly, 347 00:16:17.639 --> 00:16:20.000 stiff kind, but a long embrace that belonged to lovers, 348 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.960 her head resting briefly on his shoulder before they finally separated. 349 00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:26.320 I slumped in my seat, numb. I watched her stride 350 00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:28.679 toward the subway, had held high, unaware of the car 351 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:31.159 idling across the street. Of me watching her slip away, 352 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.559 I felt hollow as I returned home. Day's bled into 353 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:38.120 each other that weekend. Rather than confronting her, I followed 354 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:40.159 her again. God, I still shudder at the person I 355 00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:42.919 became in that time, the suspicion transforming into a compulsion. 356 00:16:43.480 --> 00:16:45.879 She left in the evening, dressed sharply, claiming to have 357 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:48.279 late work again, her words ringing false in my ears. 358 00:16:48.919 --> 00:16:50.879 I waited an are, then walked to the roofed up 359 00:16:50.879 --> 00:16:53.679 bar I'd seen in the photos. There she was Olivia, 360 00:16:53.759 --> 00:16:56.360 sitting almost on top of Mark, both of them radiant 361 00:16:56.360 --> 00:16:59.200 with the easy joy of new romance. They leaned close, 362 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:02.679 fingers brushing, hands clasped beneath the table. At one point 363 00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:05.200 Olivia laughed and leaned for a quick stolen kiss, and 364 00:17:05.279 --> 00:17:07.759 I could still behind her glass. It was over. Then 365 00:17:07.880 --> 00:17:10.440 at least the illusion was gone. I was watching some 366 00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:12.839 one I loved, the woman I trusted most abandon me 367 00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:16.000 in real time. There was no doubt left, no excuse, 368 00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:18.559 no possible lie that could bridge the gulf she'd made. 369 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:21.079 On my way home, I tried to rehearse what I'd say, 370 00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:23.839 wondering if confrontation would give me closure or just more pain. 371 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:25.960 Yet I had to keep digging, some part of me, 372 00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:29.079 demanding the whole, ugly truth. That Monday, I heard OLIVI 373 00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:31.160 on yet another call, her voice hushed in the hallway. 374 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:34.319 Next week, in sound's perfect, I promise no more lies. 375 00:17:34.400 --> 00:17:37.400 This is the last time. Mark's laugh drifted back, then 376 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:39.920 Olivia's voice, I mean it, ok. I want to be 377 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:42.519 with you, just need to find the right time. After 378 00:17:42.559 --> 00:17:44.440 she left for work the next day, I combed our 379 00:17:44.480 --> 00:17:47.680 share of computer fingers trembling. I found a hidden folder 380 00:17:47.720 --> 00:17:51.400 innochisly Nane buried among vacation photos. There were dozens of 381 00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:54.200 shots Olivia and marka cafays and taxis at a park, 382 00:17:54.359 --> 00:17:57.000 sailf is taken at a hotel, in a museum, ticket 383 00:17:57.000 --> 00:18:00.480 confirmations for a weekend getaway, or ready books, clowns, for 384 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:02.960 the coming Friday, when that Olivia had already scheduled for 385 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:05.759 overtime at work. It wasn't just a one night day. 386 00:18:06.359 --> 00:18:08.480 This is a whole other life, intricately woven into the 387 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:11.000 edges of our own. I was caught at the midpoint 388 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:13.720 between devastation and fury. Too exhausted to cry, too shadowed 389 00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:16.079 a screen, I sat at the table in our apartment. 390 00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:17.799 The evidence laid before me, like out of acts of 391 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:22.200 anarchiological dig emails, photos, credit card statements, foam bells. The 392 00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:24.559 proof of Olivia's other world burned for me, each piece 393 00:18:24.559 --> 00:18:26.599 of blate, slicing away what little trust I had tried 394 00:18:26.599 --> 00:18:28.839 to hold on to. As I waited for her to 395 00:18:28.839 --> 00:18:31.359 come home. Heard haphazard in my chest, I realized there 396 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:33.400 would be no easy way out, naught for either of us. 397 00:18:33.960 --> 00:18:37.480 The confrontation was coming. My world once so Staddy had 398 00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:39.839 turned into quicksand under my feet, but I would finally 399 00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:42.000 have to step into the truth, whatever was left of it. 400 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:44.359 When the sound of Olivia's key scrap in the lock 401 00:18:44.440 --> 00:18:46.359