WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>I woke up in the guest room of my home

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<v Speaker 1>and I finally surrendered. There was something different. There was

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<v Speaker 1>a shift that happened. I knew that I had to

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<v Speaker 1>make a change because I was about to lose everything

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<v Speaker 1>that I had worked so many years to build. So

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<v Speaker 1>I admitted to myself that I needed help. And then

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<v Speaker 1>I did one of the hardest things that I had

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<v Speaker 1>ever done. And I walked downstairs and I sat on

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<v Speaker 1>the couch with my husband in tears. And I said

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<v Speaker 1>three words, I need help. This is Wake Up With Marci,

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<v Speaker 1>a space for honest conversations about healing, recovery, and women's wellness.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Marci Hopkins. Take a breath. You're safe here. Let's begin.

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<v Speaker 1>Every single day at around five o'clock, my body still remembers.

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't ache for a drink the way it used to,

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<v Speaker 1>but there's this flicker. a tightness in my chest that

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<v Speaker 1>shows up right on schedule. Like it's checking to see

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<v Speaker 1>if I'm paying attention. For years, five o'clock was wine o'clock.

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<v Speaker 1>My whole day built up to that first pour, that

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<v Speaker 1>first cold glass of wine in a crystal glass. And

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<v Speaker 1>I told myself that it made me classy instead of

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<v Speaker 1>what it actually was. And on October 4th, 2015, I

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<v Speaker 1>woke up in the guest room of my beautiful home

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<v Speaker 1>on one of the most beautiful streets in Wyckoff, New Jersey.

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<v Speaker 1>Sunlight was coming through the shades and everything was calm

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<v Speaker 1>on the outside. But on the inside of my head

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<v Speaker 1>was a war zone, shame, guilt, a DUI I couldn't undo,

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<v Speaker 1>and a voice telling me that I was a terrible mother,

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<v Speaker 1>a bad wife, and a fraud. That was the hangover

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<v Speaker 1>that I'd been circling for years and it finally caught me.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm more than a decade sober now and I still

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<v Speaker 1>want you to hear this clearly because nobody tells you

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<v Speaker 1>this part. Sobriety doesn't mean hard days stop coming. It

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<v Speaker 1>means you build something strong enough to meet them when

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<v Speaker 1>they do. So today I'm giving you the real list.

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<v Speaker 1>not the Pinterest version, the five things that actually keep

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<v Speaker 1>me upright on the days that are hard. Hello all,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Marci. Welcome back to Wake Up With Marci. If

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<v Speaker 1>you are new here, I'm Marci Hopkins. I'm your host.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a wife, a mom, and I've been sober for

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<v Speaker 1>over 10 years. I used to be the woman with

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<v Speaker 1>the family, the house, the social circle, pouring wine in

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<v Speaker 1>that crystal glass at noon and calling it normal. I

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't passed out in an alleyway. I looked from the

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<v Speaker 1>outside completely fine. And that's exactly why it took me

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<v Speaker 1>so long to say the words that I need help.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm an alcoholic. I say all that not to relive

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<v Speaker 1>it for shock value, but because I think a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of you watching or listening are living some version of

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<v Speaker 1>that same performance right now. Holding it together on the outside,

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<v Speaker 1>but yet falling apart on the inside. This show, Wake

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<v Speaker 1>Up With Marci, exists because I don't believe in pretending

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<v Speaker 1>healing is a straight line. So today isn't a highlight reel.

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<v Speaker 1>It's the actual toolkit. Five of the things out of

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<v Speaker 1>many that I've tried that I go back to over

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<v Speaker 1>and over again. So I want to share with you

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<v Speaker 1>how I got here. So it's not my full story

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<v Speaker 1>because I wrote a book for that But just enough

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<v Speaker 1>for you to understand why these five tools worked so

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<v Speaker 1>well for me and continue to work. Because I tried

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<v Speaker 1>to get sober and then I went back out. I

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<v Speaker 1>went to meetings. I was sober for about three months

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<v Speaker 1>and I started comparing my story because I wasn't that

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<v Speaker 1>kind of alcoholic. I was still functioning, still a good mom,

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<v Speaker 1>still showing up. And I white knuckled my way back

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<v Speaker 1>to just drinking less. And that backfired. Like I said,

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<v Speaker 1>within a year, I was hiding my drink, drinking all day,

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<v Speaker 1>drinking at lunch, drinking and driving, and still telling myself

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<v Speaker 1>that I was fine. Then came the DUI on October 3rd, 2015.

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<v Speaker 1>That was the consequence I needed and that I couldn't

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<v Speaker 1>argue my way out of. I went to bed that

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<v Speaker 1>night a victim because I was always a victim. Things

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<v Speaker 1>were always happening to me. If things were different, if

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<v Speaker 1>my circumstances were different, if my husband was better, it

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<v Speaker 1>was always somebody else. But that next morning I woke

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<v Speaker 1>up in the guest room of my home and I

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<v Speaker 1>finally surrendered. There was something different. There was a shift

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<v Speaker 1>that happened. And I knew that I had to make

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<v Speaker 1>a change because I was about to lose everything that

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<v Speaker 1>I had worked so many years to build. So I

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<v Speaker 1>admitted to myself that I needed help. And then I

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<v Speaker 1>did one of the hardest things that I had ever done.

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<v Speaker 1>And I walked downstairs and I sat on the couch

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<v Speaker 1>with my husband in tears. And I said three words,

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<v Speaker 1>I need help. And it was the hardest thing that

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<v Speaker 1>I'd ever done. I admitted that I needed help. The

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<v Speaker 1>walls came crashing down. I knew at that time that

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<v Speaker 1>I had a problem with alcohol. And he didn't look

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<v Speaker 1>at me with judgment. And I thought he was going to.

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<v Speaker 1>I thought he was going to leave me. But instead,

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<v Speaker 1>he looked at me with tears and softness and relief.

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<v Speaker 1>And for the first time in my life, I felt

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<v Speaker 1>something that I had been chasing my whole entire life.

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<v Speaker 1>And that was unconditional love. And he gave it to

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<v Speaker 1>me in that exact moment. And that helped me to

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<v Speaker 1>move forward. I did something so hard that morning, surrendering,

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<v Speaker 1>becoming vulnerable. I thought those things were weakness, but the

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<v Speaker 1>thing is that is the strongest thing that you can do.

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<v Speaker 1>That day I reached out to a woman that I

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<v Speaker 1>had met in the rooms a year prior. And that's

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<v Speaker 1>another thing that's so, so vital is to know that

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<v Speaker 1>you stay sick in isolation and community is everything. So

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<v Speaker 1>I reached back out to this woman that I had

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<v Speaker 1>met that I connected with. And she met me at

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<v Speaker 1>a meeting that day, a 12 step meeting in Oakland,

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<v Speaker 1>New Jersey. And I went into that meeting so full

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<v Speaker 1>of shame and guilt and fear and I sat down

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<v Speaker 1>and I was so sick from the hangover. I actually

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<v Speaker 1>had to get up and go into the bathroom and

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<v Speaker 1>get sick. I was so embarrassed. I thought for sure

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<v Speaker 1>that people would have heard me in the room. But

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<v Speaker 1>I looked at myself in the mirror after and I

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<v Speaker 1>washed myself up and I just said, God, please help me.

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<v Speaker 1>Please make it stop. And I went back into the

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<v Speaker 1>room and I sat down and I raised my hand

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<v Speaker 1>and I said for the first time and believed it, hi,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Marcy and I'm an alcoholic. And that was the beginning,

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<v Speaker 1>not the end of the hard days, the beginning of

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<v Speaker 1>learning a new life, beginning to find the tools for

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<v Speaker 1>the hard days. I'm going to say that again. That

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<v Speaker 1>was the beginning, not the end. I realize now that

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<v Speaker 1>I wasn't giving something up. I've changed the way that

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<v Speaker 1>I look at it. Even though in that moment, I

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<v Speaker 1>thought I'm giving up alcohol. The reality was I was

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<v Speaker 1>letting go of alcohol, something that was destroying me and

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<v Speaker 1>it was getting my life back. And that was the

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<v Speaker 1>beginning of finding those tools for the hard days. So

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<v Speaker 1>here are five of mine. The first one, is move

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<v Speaker 1>a muscle, change a thought, right? So we're gonna get

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<v Speaker 1>up and we're gonna move and we can walk. And

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<v Speaker 1>this one stopped me from drinking more times than I

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<v Speaker 1>can count because here's the truth, what's happening with a craving, okay?

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<v Speaker 1>We get a craving and we think that we have

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<v Speaker 1>to act on it. But a craving is a thought,

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<v Speaker 1>all right? It's a thought. But then it's like a wave.

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<v Speaker 1>And when you get up and you move and you

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<v Speaker 1>interrupt that, you can't think two things at once. And

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<v Speaker 1>so you interrupt that thought process. So think of it

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<v Speaker 1>as a wave. So there's a peak, but then it

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<v Speaker 1>comes down and it only lasts for like 20 minutes. Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>And you can get through those 20 minutes. It's just

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<v Speaker 1>learning these tools to do it. And that's why I

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<v Speaker 1>love this one, move a muscle, change a thought. Because

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<v Speaker 1>if you get up, you're moving and you're changing that thought.

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<v Speaker 1>And like I said, you can't think of two thoughts

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<v Speaker 1>at one time. So a walk, a gentle stretch, sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>a full workout, sometimes just standing and shaking out my

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<v Speaker 1>hands like a lunatic in the kitchen. It doesn't matter

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<v Speaker 1>what it looks like. What matters is that your mind

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<v Speaker 1>follows your body, right? So you get out of your mind,

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<v Speaker 1>you're into your body. And then that second One is

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<v Speaker 1>I move my focus, my energy, and I shift with it.

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<v Speaker 1>And that craving that felt like a five alarm fire

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<v Speaker 1>30 seconds ago starts to lose its grip. Because in

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<v Speaker 1>early sobriety, this replaced the ritual that I had. Because

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<v Speaker 1>that craving, that trigger, that wave that I had arrived

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<v Speaker 1>always happened at five o'clock. That was wine time for me.

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<v Speaker 1>That's when I started cooking dinner. So that was just

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<v Speaker 1>a natural reaction at that time. It was like a

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<v Speaker 1>little trigger, right? Pour that glass of wine and then

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<v Speaker 1>the relief. So what I did is I replaced that

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<v Speaker 1>ritual and I put sparkling water or I would use,

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<v Speaker 1>I loved grapefruit juice with salt on the rim that

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<v Speaker 1>helped me through that sugar craving. Or I would call someone,

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<v Speaker 1>like I said, I'd walk. But slowly those rituals would

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<v Speaker 1>start to rewire my brain. So if you remember nothing

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<v Speaker 1>else from today, when it gets loud in your head,

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<v Speaker 1>get up. move a muscle, change a thought. It's not

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<v Speaker 1>a metaphor. It's biology and it works. The next thing

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<v Speaker 1>is the gratitude box. And let me tell you, gratitude

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<v Speaker 1>has been everything for me. Okay. And it sounds really

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<v Speaker 1>simple and you may think you can't find gratitude in

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<v Speaker 1>the hard times, but If you start to rewire your

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<v Speaker 1>brain and your thoughts, you can, because this is super simple,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's also hard, but it really matters. When we

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<v Speaker 1>start to change our thoughts and our processes and what

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<v Speaker 1>we do when we wake up in the morning, it

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<v Speaker 1>helps us to change what is happening in our life.

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<v Speaker 1>And so that first thing that I would do instead

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<v Speaker 1>of that shame loop or reeling about what I had

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<v Speaker 1>to do for that day or maybe something that happened

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<v Speaker 1>the day before, I would think about things that I

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<v Speaker 1>was grateful for. So maybe three things. So maybe it

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<v Speaker 1>was the warm bed I was in, the cup of

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<v Speaker 1>coffee I was about to have and the comfortable or

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<v Speaker 1>cozy pajamas I had on. And then I would go

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<v Speaker 1>downstairs and I would write them down and I would

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<v Speaker 1>drop them in a box. So on the hard days,

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<v Speaker 1>I would open up that box and I would read

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<v Speaker 1>a few and it would remind me. And then another

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<v Speaker 1>great one was at the end of the year, I

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<v Speaker 1>would open the whole thing and I would read every

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<v Speaker 1>single one. And here's what that does. On a day

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<v Speaker 1>when the shame is loud or the old voice is

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<v Speaker 1>telling you nothing has changed, you have physical undeniable proof

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<v Speaker 1>in your own handwriting that it has. Gratitude never fails

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<v Speaker 1>to bring me perspective and peace. And let me tell you,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm over 10 years sober and I still do it

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<v Speaker 1>every day, even on the days that I don't feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I deserve it. So you don't need a fancy box,

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<v Speaker 1>just grab an old shoe box, a jar, even if

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<v Speaker 1>you want to do it in your notes app. What

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<v Speaker 1>matters is that you're building a record that you could

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<v Speaker 1>hold on to when your own memory of the good

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<v Speaker 1>days gets foggy. Because on a hard day, your brain

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<v Speaker 1>will lie to you and tell you that it's always

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<v Speaker 1>been this hard. But when you grab those things that

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<v Speaker 1>you're grateful for, they don't lie. And this takes you

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<v Speaker 1>from a mindset of lack into a mindset of gratitude,

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<v Speaker 1>seeing the things that are good, in your life and

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<v Speaker 1>that gets easier and easier. So the third thing is

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<v Speaker 1>call your person. Write down that person for you so

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<v Speaker 1>you always have it available. And this is one that

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<v Speaker 1>saved my life more than once. And it starts with

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<v Speaker 1>that woman, Debbie, that I told you about, that I called.

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<v Speaker 1>I'd met Debbie during my first failed attempt at a sobriety.

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<v Speaker 1>A year before my DUI, I'd stopped going to meetings,

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<v Speaker 1>but something in me knew that I was going to

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<v Speaker 1>need her number. So I kept it. And the day

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<v Speaker 1>after my DUI, I called her. She saved me. I

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<v Speaker 1>called her an angel for so long. She was my connection.

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<v Speaker 1>She was the one that could help me. And she

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<v Speaker 1>met me at that meeting and I was hung over

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<v Speaker 1>and I was ashamed. And I got out of that

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<v Speaker 1>car and it just went into her arms and there

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<v Speaker 1>was no judgment, just warmth. And even though I ran

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<v Speaker 1>to that bathroom to throw up, she was still there

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<v Speaker 1>waiting for me. And Debbie became my sponsor. And I

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<v Speaker 1>want to tell you something about her that I think

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<v Speaker 1>matters more than the sobriety part. She helped me to

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<v Speaker 1>see that I wasn't powerless. I was stuck and stuck again.

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<v Speaker 1>You can get unstuck from. That's a very different story

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<v Speaker 1>than the one addiction wants you to believe about yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>Here's the flip side to this tool because it's just

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<v Speaker 1>as important. Not everyone gets a seat at your table.

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<v Speaker 1>Around that same time, I tried to explain to someone

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<v Speaker 1>close to me that I was getting sober and they said,

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<v Speaker 1>you're not that bad. You can have just one. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>And I wanted to believe that, but it also was

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<v Speaker 1>like a punch in the gut because for years I

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<v Speaker 1>had told myself that exact same lie. And hearing it

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<v Speaker 1>from someone else almost gave me permission to go back out.

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<v Speaker 1>So this tool isn't just about calling someone. It's about

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<v Speaker 1>calling your person. The one who meets you with the

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<v Speaker 1>warmth that gets it. Someone that you know will pick

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<v Speaker 1>up that phone and be there for you and understand

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<v Speaker 1>what you're going through and maybe just say the one

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<v Speaker 1>right thing that you need to hear. Someone that's going

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<v Speaker 1>to be there for you that helps to keep you

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<v Speaker 1>sober and the one that makes you feel safe. And

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<v Speaker 1>if you don't have that person yet, if you don't

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<v Speaker 1>have your Debbie, that's okay. You're going to find one.

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<v Speaker 1>You're going to find one in a meeting. Maybe it's

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<v Speaker 1>a therapist, a sober friend, a hotline. You're not meant

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<v Speaker 1>to do this on your own and you can't because

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<v Speaker 1>you truly will stay sick in the silence. The fourth

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<v Speaker 1>for me was prayer. I mean, believing in something higher,

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<v Speaker 1>bigger than yourself, whether it's universe, source, God, I had

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<v Speaker 1>a spiritual awakening through my healing journey. And I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>expect that to happen. I just thought you stopped drinking.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't realize all these changes, but it was through

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<v Speaker 1>this prayer and faith and looking through something bigger than

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<v Speaker 1>myself helped me to have that spiritual awakening. I was

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<v Speaker 1>trying to get through the day without reaching for that

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<v Speaker 1>glass of wine. So most days after my meeting, It

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<v Speaker 1>would go into the small chapel that was attached to

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<v Speaker 1>the meeting. And that was in a Hocus, New Jersey. And,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, a lot of people would stay there and

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<v Speaker 1>chat and, and get to know one another. And I

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<v Speaker 1>did that too, because it's so important to make those connections,

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<v Speaker 1>but it was always drawn to that little chapel. It

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<v Speaker 1>was maybe like 20 pews. There was a red carpeted altar.

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<v Speaker 1>And there was this small gold lamb on the wall.

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<v Speaker 1>And in front of me and also behind me was

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<v Speaker 1>a stained glass window of Jesus cradling a lamb in

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<v Speaker 1>his arms. And I would kneel in front of that

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<v Speaker 1>lamb and just pour my soul out. And I would

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<v Speaker 1>tell him, my higher power, Jesus, that I wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>be that lamb, safe in his arms. I told him

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<v Speaker 1>how scared I was. I begged him to take away

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<v Speaker 1>the pull of that alcohol. And I made a promise.

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<v Speaker 1>If you get me through this, I will follow you

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<v Speaker 1>for the rest of my life. And you know what?

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<v Speaker 1>That pull began to lift slowly. Not all at once.

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<v Speaker 1>But it became calmer inside of me. And I became reconnected.

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<v Speaker 1>I would say that the serenity prayer, which is... such

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<v Speaker 1>a beautiful prayer, whether you're in recovery or not. And

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<v Speaker 1>this was something I would say daily that would bring

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<v Speaker 1>me closer to my higher power. God, grant me the

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<v Speaker 1>serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage

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<v Speaker 1>to change the things I can and the wisdom to

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<v Speaker 1>know the difference. And on the hard days, it's not

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<v Speaker 1>just a nice sentiment. It's not just a nice prayer.

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<v Speaker 1>It's an actual instruction manual. Acceptance. I can't control other

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<v Speaker 1>people's reaction. Courage to walk into a room when I

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<v Speaker 1>want to hide, to just say no to a drink.

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<v Speaker 1>Wisdom to pause and ask for help instead of white

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<v Speaker 1>knuckling it alone. And listen, I know some of you

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<v Speaker 1>out there may be rolling your eyes at the God talk.

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<v Speaker 1>And I get that. And it's hard. We, for so long,

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<v Speaker 1>have been programmed through organized religion. And this is something different.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't need my faith. You don't need a doctrine

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<v Speaker 1>or a church or a conversation or a conversion or

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<v Speaker 1>a perfect belief. You just need a place. to put

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<v Speaker 1>your pain and a willingness to try. Sit somewhere quiet,

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<v Speaker 1>ask out loud or silently, what do I need to

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<v Speaker 1>hear today? See what happens. That's the whole ask. What

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<v Speaker 1>do I need to hear today? And then the fifth

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<v Speaker 1>thing that has been huge And this one took a

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<v Speaker 1>long time to understand, but it might be the most important.

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<v Speaker 1>And that is service. When I am spiraling, when the

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<v Speaker 1>hard days start tipping into the hard week, the fastest

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<v Speaker 1>way that I know how to interrupt that is to

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<v Speaker 1>stop focusing on myself and start focusing on someone else.

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<v Speaker 1>Helping somebody else. It takes me out of my own ego,

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<v Speaker 1>my own mind. It reminds me that I matter. And

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<v Speaker 1>it reminds me at the exact same time that the

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<v Speaker 1>world doesn't actually revolve around me and my pain. And

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<v Speaker 1>that's not punishment. That's relief. And that is why, in

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<v Speaker 1>some strange ways, that this show exists. Why I wrote

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<v Speaker 1>my book. Why I answer messages from strangers. I want

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<v Speaker 1>to help people that are in their early days of

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<v Speaker 1>sobriety that are terrified. And every time I do that,

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<v Speaker 1>not just helping them, I'm reinforcing my own recovery, the reward. Honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>that is why I do the work that I do.

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<v Speaker 1>This is the service. This is the calling. And you

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<v Speaker 1>don't need a platform to do this. Be something small.

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<v Speaker 1>as one honest conversation with someone else who's struggling, sharing

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<v Speaker 1>what worked, listening to what didn't. Recovery was never meant

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<v Speaker 1>to happen in isolation and it cannot, I cannot say

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<v Speaker 1>that enough. It is about community. It is about coming

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<v Speaker 1>together and giving back is how you turn your worst

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<v Speaker 1>chapter into somebody else's flashlight, guide, light. So just remember,

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<v Speaker 1>move a muscle, change a thought. Keep that gratitude box.

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<v Speaker 1>Just write down three a day. Call your person, the

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<v Speaker 1>safe one. Write that down so you have it available

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<v Speaker 1>so you can see it. So it's a reminder because

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<v Speaker 1>I know it's hard to call. Find your version of

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<v Speaker 1>that chapel. And give something back, even when you have

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<v Speaker 1>almost nothing left to give. None of these five things

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<v Speaker 1>fix a hard day. And I want to be honest

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<v Speaker 1>with you about that. Ten years in, I still feel

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<v Speaker 1>that five o'clock tightness sometimes. But I can get through

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<v Speaker 1>it now. And the difference isn't that the hard days

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<v Speaker 1>stopped coming. The difference is I finally have somewhere to

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<v Speaker 1>put them and navigate them. to get through them. So

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<v Speaker 1>if you are in your own version of that guest

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<v Speaker 1>room right now, if your room looks calm, but your

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<v Speaker 1>mind is a war zone, please hear this the way

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<v Speaker 1>I wish someone had told me sooner. You are not broken.

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<v Speaker 1>You are not too far gone or damaged or too late.

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<v Speaker 1>You are ready and ready is enough to begin. If

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<v Speaker 1>today brought something for you, please don't sit with this alone.

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<v Speaker 1>If you need help right away, please reach out to

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<v Speaker 1>SAMHSA helpline 1-800-662-4357. Also, there is Crisis Tax Line 741-741.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you feel like things are an emergency, call

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<v Speaker 1>or text 988. So come back next week. Bring someone

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<v Speaker 1>with you if you can. And until then, no, you

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<v Speaker 1>don't have to do this perfectly. You just have to

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<v Speaker 1>do it today, one day at a time. Thank you

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<v Speaker 1>so much for joining today and sharing this personal space

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<v Speaker 1>with me and allowing me to share my truth to

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<v Speaker 1>help you one day at a time. All right, guys,

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<v Speaker 1>thank you. Have an incredible week. Remember, you're not alone.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'll see you next Thursday.