WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:10.199 on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:10.199 --> 00:00:13.279 Walls Show on AM six forty Live everywhere on the 5 00:00:13.320 --> 00:00:16.320 iHeartRadio App. I am going to dig into the dms 6 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:18.640 on Instagram now because so many people have sent me 7 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:21.440 so many relationship questions this week. Thank you very much. 8 00:00:22.039 --> 00:00:23.879 If you want to send me any questions, you just 9 00:00:23.960 --> 00:00:27.320 go to at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram send me 10 00:00:27.359 --> 00:00:32.880 a DM. I will always keep your identity private, all right, 11 00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:35.960 Dear doctor Wendy. Is it a red flag if my 12 00:00:36.039 --> 00:00:38.320 boyfriend still talks to his ex every day? 13 00:00:40.399 --> 00:00:40.600 Yes? 14 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:43.960 Well, let's talk about what a red flag is. A 15 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:47.679 red flag, in my opinion, means that you're seeing that 16 00:00:47.840 --> 00:00:54.039 somebody probably doesn't have the ability to have an emotionally intimate, committed, 17 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:58.039 secure relationship with you. If he is still in an 18 00:00:58.039 --> 00:01:00.880 emotional attachment with his X, and if they're talking every day, 19 00:01:01.159 --> 00:01:03.520 they're still in a relationship. They may not be having sex, 20 00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:07.120 they're still in a relationship. If he is involving you 21 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:09.239 with it, and if there's been a long time since 22 00:01:09.239 --> 00:01:11.480 their breakup. Let's say it's been an ex from five 23 00:01:11.560 --> 00:01:14.599 years ago, and they're just friends because they work together 24 00:01:14.760 --> 00:01:18.239 or whatever, and you're invited out to dinner with them whatever. 25 00:01:18.280 --> 00:01:22.159 That's different. But if he has a private communication with 26 00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:26.719 this person, yes, this is a red flag. It says 27 00:01:26.760 --> 00:01:31.799 he has split his secure base into two her and you, 28 00:01:32.760 --> 00:01:35.280 So I would talk to him about it. It's okay 29 00:01:35.319 --> 00:01:39.519 to set a boundary with something like that. Oh here 30 00:01:39.560 --> 00:01:42.599 comes a hard one. Dear doctor Wendy, we have been 31 00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:45.760 dating for five years and my boyfriend says he's still 32 00:01:45.799 --> 00:01:50.239 not ready for marriage. Am I wasting my time? Well, 33 00:01:50.239 --> 00:01:53.719 the answer is it sounds like I am gonna guess 34 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:57.599 wild guess here that you're giving him all the benefits 35 00:01:57.640 --> 00:02:00.719 of marriage, so he does not need to get married, 36 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.760 and if he needed to get married, he would, So 37 00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:07.280 you need to pull back. I don't care what it 38 00:02:07.319 --> 00:02:09.280 is you're doing. Are you housekeeping for him? Are you 39 00:02:09.319 --> 00:02:12.240 living with them? Are you doing the dishes? Are you 40 00:02:12.280 --> 00:02:17.000 having sex with him? Those are wife duties, not girlfriend duties. 41 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:19.840 If you want to be married and you've expressed it, 42 00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:24.159 begging for it doesn't work. You've got to pull back 43 00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:26.680 on everything you're giving. And yes, if you're living together, 44 00:02:26.759 --> 00:02:29.240 go get your own place. See how quickly he wants 45 00:02:29.280 --> 00:02:31.639 to get married. Just saying, you don't sit around and 46 00:02:31.680 --> 00:02:34.960 wait for somebody to have a state of readiness. Okay. 47 00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:38.479 In fact, the sad thing is many women wait for 48 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:40.240 a man to have a state of readiness. Then he 49 00:02:40.360 --> 00:02:43.800 hits his state of readiness and breaks up with her 50 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:46.280 and goes and finds a wife. It's the craziest thing. 51 00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:48.879 Happens all the time. So don't hang in there. That's 52 00:02:48.919 --> 00:02:52.159 all I'm saying my opinion. Hey, it's just my opinion. 53 00:02:52.199 --> 00:02:54.240 You don't have to do whatever I say. I'm just 54 00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:57.599 saying I have a lot of life experience. Dear doctor, Wendy, 55 00:02:57.639 --> 00:03:00.199 my girlfriend gets angry when I hang out with my friend. 56 00:03:00.439 --> 00:03:03.639 Is this controlling behavior? Well? I need a lot more 57 00:03:03.680 --> 00:03:06.680 information here. Who are these friends? Are they all single? 58 00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:08.960 Are you going to night clubs? Are there single women? 59 00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:09.199 There? 60 00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:12.840 Is there alcohol involved? Are you doing it frequently? I mean, 61 00:03:12.879 --> 00:03:16.680 they are all these extenuating circumstances that would help me 62 00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:21.000 answer this question. Ladies, A guy has a right to 63 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:23.439 go hang out with the boys. He needs supportive male friendships. 64 00:03:23.639 --> 00:03:26.919 If they're doing something fun like playing video games, going 65 00:03:26.919 --> 00:03:29.759 to tinker with cars, going to golf together, something healthy, 66 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:31.879 going to the gym, going to watch a sports at 67 00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:35.360 a sports bar. Let it go. He needs that. If 68 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:39.879 he's going to nightclubs with single guys and there's girls there, no, 69 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:43.080 not okay, because that's what a nightclub is. It's a 70 00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:46.400 hunting ground for a new mate. So it depends what 71 00:03:46.479 --> 00:03:48.479 he's doing with his friends, how often he's doing with 72 00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:52.360 his friends. If the friends are supportive of your relationship. 73 00:03:52.840 --> 00:03:54.879 Some friends are not supportive. They're trying to pull him 74 00:03:54.919 --> 00:03:58.000 away from it, all right, you know the difference, right, 75 00:03:59.319 --> 00:04:03.000 all right, we have time for a couple more. Oh, 76 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:05.479 this is a good one. Dear doctor Wendy. I found 77 00:04:05.479 --> 00:04:08.080 out that my husband has a secret bank account. What 78 00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:11.520 should I do? Get the bank account number? Please get 79 00:04:11.680 --> 00:04:14.120 as much information as you possibly can. You know, a 80 00:04:14.120 --> 00:04:17.399 few years ago I had this woman on my show, 81 00:04:17.839 --> 00:04:21.639 and she runs an investment company and they invest in 82 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:25.040 high end divorces. And one of the things she said 83 00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:31.399 is that divorce happens two to four years before anybody 84 00:04:31.399 --> 00:04:33.720 files for divorce. In other words, the beginning of the 85 00:04:33.720 --> 00:04:37.360 divorce happens in two ways. Women tend to get in 86 00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:39.800 great shape and get plastic surgery and say that they're 87 00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:43.120 just doing it for themselves to feel better, but actually 88 00:04:43.319 --> 00:04:46.879 they're testing their worth in the mating marketplace. And men 89 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:51.600 start to stash money, They put things into secret bank accounts, 90 00:04:51.959 --> 00:04:55.439 they put things into family members' names, They do all 91 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:57.879 kinds of things to be ready for the mating marketplace 92 00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:02.000 because resources are a great way to showcase mate value 93 00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:05.959 for males, and youth and fitness and beauty is the 94 00:05:05.959 --> 00:05:10.199 way that women showcase make values to men. So this 95 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:11.560 woman who was a guest on my show a few 96 00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:15.439 years ago, said that if you suspect the divorce is 97 00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:18.120 in the offing, the most important thing you could do 98 00:05:18.680 --> 00:05:21.439 is take his briefcas does anyone ever carry a briefcase anymore? 99 00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:23.839 I don't know. Go into his papers when he's sleeping 100 00:05:24.439 --> 00:05:29.879 and take screenshots. Just photograph every single document. She was 101 00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:33.360 telling stories about having to hire private detectives to find 102 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:36.199 the money because it was so well hidden during divorce cases, 103 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:39.120 and she said the best way to find it is 104 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:42.360 sometimes with phone bills because people always visit their money, 105 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:46.399 so wherever their calling is important, and also even food delivery. 106 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:49.839 They found some phone bill and they were able to 107 00:05:49.879 --> 00:05:51.879 see that it was a food delivery company like a 108 00:05:51.879 --> 00:05:53.600 door Dash, and then they were able to get the 109 00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:55.600 address of where it went to, and then from there 110 00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:58.439 they were able to figure what bank was near that Airbnb. 111 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:01.600 It was crazy. She's like a full detective finding the money. 112 00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:05.600 So yeah, secret bank accounts something that's something to talk 113 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:09.439 about if you're married and you're sharing resources, and especially 114 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:11.639 if you're raising his kids. I would want to find 115 00:06:11.639 --> 00:06:17.279 out about that, Dear doctor Wendy. My partner says that 116 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:20.680 they don't believe in monogamy. Should I try an open 117 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:24.600 relationship or move on? It's hard for me to answer 118 00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:27.800 that because I don't know you. I don't know what 119 00:06:27.800 --> 00:06:30.720 your sexual psychology is, I don't know what your values are. 120 00:06:31.720 --> 00:06:35.120 But I will say this, when we try to be somebody, 121 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:39.839 we're not just to please somebody else. We're usually never 122 00:06:39.920 --> 00:06:43.000 happy in the end. And so if you're only doing 123 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:46.120 it for that person, I would say don't do it. 124 00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:49.480 If you are just open to experimentation and you want 125 00:06:49.519 --> 00:06:53.920 to try it, but I always say that's all fun 126 00:06:53.959 --> 00:06:57.439 and games until somebody falls in love. It's not the 127 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:00.879 easy route, and it is the vast my minority of 128 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:08.720 people who can safely emotionally entertain conscious non monogamy. It 129 00:07:08.839 --> 00:07:13.439 is certainly not for everybody. It is not for the masses. 130 00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:15.920 If you want to do it for you, do it 131 00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:20.360 for you. If you're doing it for your partner, not 132 00:07:20.439 --> 00:07:23.519 a great idea. All right, When we come back, I 133 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:26.800 want to talk about what healthy love is and how 134 00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:30.959 I came to a place where I finally understood how 135 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:35.759 to have the skills needed to create healthy love. You're 136 00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:38.600 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM 137 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:41.720 six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 138 00:07:43.279 --> 00:07:47.519 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 139 00:07:47.720 --> 00:07:48.399 AM six. 140 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:52.639 Forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on 141 00:07:52.759 --> 00:07:57.240 KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 142 00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:00.720 You know, I spent a lot of years in my 143 00:08:00.959 --> 00:08:06.639 early adulthood life and even middle age asking myself, what 144 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:11.680 is healthy love? Will I ever find healthy love? Believing 145 00:08:12.360 --> 00:08:15.879 that it is something that you just stumble upon and 146 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:20.639 that it's all about luck. And after a few years 147 00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:26.600 of therapy that came after many years of many bad relationships. 148 00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:32.600 I remind everybody I do not blame the men whom 149 00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:38.919 I had terrible, painful, toxic, abandoning, abusive relationships with. I 150 00:08:38.960 --> 00:08:42.679 blame me. I blame me because although I need to 151 00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:46.080 learn to forgive myself, because it's largely unconscious, we all 152 00:08:46.120 --> 00:08:50.399 have this model for love in our unconscious that says 153 00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:54.879 this treatment's okay, or that it's normal. And I do 154 00:08:54.919 --> 00:08:57.159 want to say one thing. If you're somebody out there 155 00:08:57.840 --> 00:09:00.559 who is in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, 156 00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:05.679 If the strongest feeling you have is confusion, which is 157 00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:09.960 what I had, then that's not love. It's not a 158 00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:14.840 secure attachment. And so finally seeing a therapist and spending 159 00:09:14.919 --> 00:09:17.480 years and reading books and going to graduate school and 160 00:09:17.559 --> 00:09:22.159 learning about attachment theory, I was able to, step by 161 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:28.799 step literally change who I was attracted to, be able 162 00:09:28.840 --> 00:09:34.799 to take in care, be able to feel loved and 163 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:39.799 deserving of love. I learned how to express my emotions. 164 00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:44.720 I learned how to be honest and not ever hide 165 00:09:44.759 --> 00:09:48.440 my feelings. But I also learned how to express them 166 00:09:48.440 --> 00:09:51.679 in a very non defensive way. You know, when people 167 00:09:51.799 --> 00:09:55.240 have an early in life when they're not allowed to 168 00:09:55.240 --> 00:09:58.600 express themselves, when they try to practice later in life. 169 00:09:58.759 --> 00:10:01.720 They say things like in a really angry or defensive way. 170 00:10:02.200 --> 00:10:04.279 It's almost like they don't feel safe saying it, so 171 00:10:04.279 --> 00:10:10.480 they better say it extra strong. When you have emotional intelligence, 172 00:10:10.919 --> 00:10:14.200 you've learned the skills. When you have a secure relationship, 173 00:10:14.759 --> 00:10:18.440 you can just say things in a calm way, you know. 174 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:23.559 Maya Angelou once said, the best love is the one 175 00:10:23.559 --> 00:10:28.240 that makes you a better person without changing you into 176 00:10:28.279 --> 00:10:32.440 someone other than yourself. I spend a lot of time 177 00:10:32.679 --> 00:10:38.480 trying to be somebody else for other people, trying to 178 00:10:38.840 --> 00:10:43.200 well quiet my light and my voice because I knew 179 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:46.320 I was very talkative. I didn't know I was an 180 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:49.759 external processor and that's just how I am. I didn't 181 00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:51.440 know that there would be a man out there one 182 00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:54.720 day who had a very talkative mother who would find 183 00:10:54.759 --> 00:10:58.720 that normal and cool. And I remember seeing Julio, like 184 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:00.840 just a few months into it, and we would go 185 00:11:00.919 --> 00:11:03.679 for really long walks because it was during COVID, and 186 00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:05.919 he said to me one time, you and I can 187 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:09.519 walk for an hour and I don't have to say 188 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:14.240 a word. It's such a relief. He found his listener. 189 00:11:14.279 --> 00:11:16.399 He's a great listener, which is great. Of course, we 190 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:18.600 do have lots of debates and lots of conversation, and 191 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:22.399 it is a lot of back and forth, But I 192 00:11:22.440 --> 00:11:26.519 want to talk about what healthy love really is for 193 00:11:26.679 --> 00:11:29.879 those of you who haven't created yet created it yet 194 00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:35.759 for yourself. Healthy love means that we are all responsible 195 00:11:36.279 --> 00:11:41.919 for our own happiness. It is not someone's job to 196 00:11:42.039 --> 00:11:46.440 make us happy. Happiness is an inside job, and it 197 00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:50.840 starts with us. For instance, if Julio does a few 198 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:52.960 little things around the house that bother me, like leaving 199 00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:55.039 his drawers open, I know I've told you this story before, 200 00:11:55.960 --> 00:11:58.440 I say to myself, whose problem is this? Is this 201 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:00.960 his problem or mine? I'm not going to make it 202 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:02.960 his problem because it's obviously not a problem for him 203 00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:04.519 unless I nag him and yell at him and drive 204 00:12:04.559 --> 00:12:07.120 him crazy about leaving his drawers ajar or I could 205 00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:10.080 just go close him and solve my own problem. Make 206 00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:16.919 myself happy, right, make yourself happy first. The other thing 207 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:20.440 is we're also not responsible for somebody else's happiness. I 208 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:23.039 had a lot of grumpy partners in my life, and 209 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:25.720 I felt like I had to be their cheerleader. I 210 00:12:25.720 --> 00:12:28.720 had to be the happy one. But this is not 211 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:32.720 your job. They should come into the relationship with their 212 00:12:32.759 --> 00:12:37.399 own baggage stuffed with joy and happiness, because they're going 213 00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:39.600 to need to open those suitcases from time to time. 214 00:12:41.960 --> 00:12:45.960 We are only responsible for ensuring that we are a 215 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:50.799 whole person, that we have a healthy sense of identity, 216 00:12:52.279 --> 00:12:56.399 that we are high functioning, that we have self esteem. 217 00:12:56.440 --> 00:12:59.080 And by the way, self esteem doesn't mean, oh my god, 218 00:12:59.120 --> 00:13:02.080 I like myself, I'm s so perfect, I'm so confident. 219 00:13:02.919 --> 00:13:07.440 Self esteem means I'm good enough and some days I 220 00:13:07.480 --> 00:13:10.919 make mistakes because I'm human, and I can forgive myself 221 00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:14.360 and I hope you can forgive me. That's called healthy 222 00:13:14.600 --> 00:13:20.240 self esteem. I also learned about what a secure attachment 223 00:13:20.279 --> 00:13:23.360 feels like. I'm in it now, and I'm so glad 224 00:13:23.399 --> 00:13:25.159 I'm in it, so that I can describe it to you, 225 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:29.679 because for many decades I only had insecure attachments with people. 226 00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:37.360 So butterflies in your stomach should be a short, fleeting 227 00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:41.600 thing at the beginning. Long term butterflies in your stomach 228 00:13:42.440 --> 00:13:46.080 are a roller coaster. This is not love highs and 229 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:48.840 lows and worry about abandonment, and then huge highs and 230 00:13:48.840 --> 00:13:54.679 then back to lows again. If you're crying or feeling angry. 231 00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:59.120 A lot of the time. This is not love. This 232 00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:03.799 is re enacting your childhood trauma. As I was using 233 00:14:04.039 --> 00:14:06.679 a new object the guy I was dating as a 234 00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:15.159 replacement for what happened before. When somebody says hey, she 235 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:17.240 won't say I love you, or he won't allow us 236 00:14:17.240 --> 00:14:21.840 to have relationship definition, or they don't believe in PDAs, 237 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:27.440 that's not love. Right. Love is people who naturally touch 238 00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:32.399 each other, who feel quite comfortable being defined as being 239 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:35.320 part of a couple, and being able to use their 240 00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:39.600 words to express love. Healthy love does not feel like 241 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:44.960 a roller coaster. It feels safe. It feels like peace, 242 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:51.080 It feels like trust. It allows you to be you, 243 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:56.440 it allows your voice. I will say that healthy love 244 00:14:56.559 --> 00:15:01.519 isn't exciting, but it is far from boring. It is 245 00:15:01.639 --> 00:15:06.279 a soft pillow to fall into where one feels safe. 246 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:10.720 And that's what I hope for all of you when 247 00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:14.639 we come back. I have a very fascinating author of 248 00:15:14.679 --> 00:15:18.519 a book that I keep mispronouncing the name of. Listen 249 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:19.879 to me. Let's see if I can get through it 250 00:15:21.600 --> 00:15:23.120 when we come back. But I'm going to get through 251 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:25.240 the whole book because I can't wait to finish it. 252 00:15:25.240 --> 00:15:27.120 It's so good you're. 253 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:31.440 Listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM 254 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:32.080 six forty. 255 00:15:33.679 --> 00:15:36.159 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 256 00:15:36.360 --> 00:15:40.399 AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My 257 00:15:40.440 --> 00:15:44.200 next guest is an entrepreneur, an investor, and an author. 258 00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:47.399 His new book is called Homo am I going to 259 00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:52.000 say it right, idiot idiot idiots again? I'm being an idiot? 260 00:15:52.039 --> 00:15:53.519 Can you say it for me? Cizari? 261 00:15:54.759 --> 00:15:58.879 Homo Idiotic goes like a play on Homo sapiens and 262 00:15:58.960 --> 00:16:02.799 homo economics. I think that we are all homodiogicals, not 263 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:03.600 homeless obdience. 264 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:07.360 Let's go with the subtitle Why we Are Stupid and 265 00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:10.799 what we could do about it? Jasari Petrashic, How did 266 00:16:10.799 --> 00:16:15.679 I do ye? Originally from Poland? Now I talk about 267 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:19.519 cognitive biases a lot the brains shortcut that we do 268 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:23.919 so that the brain, sometimes in trying to save fuel, 269 00:16:24.440 --> 00:16:28.639 makes wrong decisions. Is this book about why we're stupid 270 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:30.759 and what we can do about it? Kind of about 271 00:16:30.759 --> 00:16:31.840 cognitive biases? 272 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:35.559 Yes, it's a big part of that, but not the 273 00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:39.840 only part. So cognitive biases are part of the psychological 274 00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:44.799 dimension of our stupidity. But there's also biological and sociological 275 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:46.000 and institutional. 276 00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:48.639 Okay, so how are we biologically stupid? 277 00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:53.200 Biologically? It's actee quite complex. It's from how we are 278 00:16:53.320 --> 00:16:56.840 wired in terms of that amigdala part of our brain 279 00:16:57.240 --> 00:17:02.799 that prioritizes actions to whatever is dangerous, moving, flashy, whatever, 280 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:11.119 makes cautious but not precise decisions. Prefrontal cortekes makes better decisions. 281 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:13.240 But we use it sparingly. We use it only when 282 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:15.720 we really think. Most of the decisions our daily life 283 00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:19.599 we use you know, using amygdala and other things. But 284 00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:23.519 biology also is about testosterone. You know, testosterone makes us 285 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:26.519 slightly more stupid. So here's the question whether the men 286 00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:28.039 are more stupid than the woman. 287 00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:33.119 It depends which IQ test you're using, But I can 288 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:36.759 tell you with the WAYS test there's a greater range. 289 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:41.799 Men have a greater range of intelligences on those scores. 290 00:17:42.039 --> 00:17:46.559 Yeah, but but do you know that almost seventy percent 291 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:50.440 of men do not wash their hands after using public 292 00:17:50.440 --> 00:17:52.680 toilet and only half of that women. 293 00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:57.640 Oh, I have to tell you, Jasari that when COVID happened, 294 00:17:57.799 --> 00:18:00.920 and I watched men walking out of men rooms shaking 295 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:03.240 their hands and wringing them because they were wet. I 296 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:05.720 was just doing the touchdown cheer. Is this what it 297 00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:11.359 takes a pandemic to get those guys to wash their hands? Okay, 298 00:18:11.400 --> 00:18:13.960 I'm going to tell you one biological error that we 299 00:18:14.079 --> 00:18:17.359 often make. So when I talk a lot about the 300 00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:20.200 science of love and the science of relationships on this show, 301 00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:23.960 you know, we smell somebody's pheromones who might be a 302 00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:28.079 good biological match for us because immune systems give off 303 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:29.960 a certain kind of scent, and if somebody has a 304 00:18:29.960 --> 00:18:33.480 disparate a different immune system, we will find them more 305 00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:36.720 sexually attractive. But that doesn't mean you can have a 306 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:45.839 compatible marriage. So there's another way that biologically we make mistakes. Okay, 307 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:48.880 so you mentioned some other ways that we're making mistakes. 308 00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:53.039 Yeah, it's sociology. So how the society works. So basically, 309 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:56.759 the society sadly makes us stupid. And this is an 310 00:18:56.759 --> 00:19:00.839 incredible thing because the society made us originally very very 311 00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:05.920 smart and very for example, less violent than we used 312 00:19:05.960 --> 00:19:09.200 to be and allowed us to specialize, et cetera. So 313 00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:15.160 society has put us to tremendous point of possession of 314 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:20.759 strength and mental strength as well. However, very I would 315 00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:24.319 say in the last few hundred years, the society has 316 00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:28.599 rather negative impact on our orata is encouraging our adiocy. 317 00:19:28.680 --> 00:19:32.960 Why which way because because of the of the concept 318 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:36.759 of conformity. So basically we would do anything to conform 319 00:19:36.799 --> 00:19:39.519 with society, which means that we make a lot of 320 00:19:39.799 --> 00:19:44.400 recipt decisions just to conform. So for example, there was 321 00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:47.559 just from innocent things such as you know, there was 322 00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:51.440 this experiment in nineteen fifties when they were asking people 323 00:19:51.480 --> 00:19:54.079 to show they were showing them three lines and one 324 00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:56.759 was obviously shorter, one was obviously longer, and one was 325 00:19:56.880 --> 00:19:57.519 exactly the same. 326 00:19:57.559 --> 00:19:59.119 Life amazing. 327 00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:04.759 Continue, it's amazing, right, and people, you know, normally in 328 00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:08.079 the control group, ninety nine percent of people pointed out 329 00:20:08.119 --> 00:20:11.359 correctly which is longer, which is shorter. But then when 330 00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:17.200 six people before them were telling wrong answer, but they 331 00:20:17.319 --> 00:20:20.079 very consistently because they were all accomplasses of the person 332 00:20:20.119 --> 00:20:23.319 who designed the study, then like thirty six percent of 333 00:20:23.359 --> 00:20:24.839 people also gave wrong answer. 334 00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:27.759 That's amazing, which is one of the reasons in our 335 00:20:27.799 --> 00:20:31.440 criminal justice system why it's so easy to get somebody 336 00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:33.720 to admit to a crime they might not even have committed, 337 00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:36.559 because you have enough cops in the room and they'd 338 00:20:36.599 --> 00:20:38.519 say there are other witnesses they're certing to think, well, 339 00:20:38.519 --> 00:20:41.000 maybe I did do it. 340 00:20:40.559 --> 00:20:46.440 Yeah, informity with conformative of society is is kind of 341 00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:49.920 forced upon us. Think about it. In the old days, 342 00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:53.319 it actually was a matter of survival because because if 343 00:20:53.319 --> 00:20:56.759 you were different from society, if you didn't conform, you'd 344 00:20:56.799 --> 00:21:01.839 be left behind, and a single person without the tribe, 345 00:21:01.880 --> 00:21:05.880 without the group, would die, right like in their primitive society. 346 00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:08.480 So that's why it's so deeply wired in us that 347 00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:12.759 we all the time want to conform with the society. 348 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:15.039 We want to fit in. You know, I have been 349 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:17.720 accused of being a bit of a vanguard and a 350 00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:20.559 maverick and a big mouth and not going along with 351 00:21:20.599 --> 00:21:22.559 the crowd. And it has to do with the fact 352 00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:25.640 that I, by my dad was in the navy, we 353 00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:28.799 moved a lot. By the time I graduated high school, 354 00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:32.440 I'd gone to ten different schools. So I always felt 355 00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:35.319 like an outsider and never felt a need to conform 356 00:21:35.480 --> 00:21:37.920 because I knew it only be there year anyway. And 357 00:21:38.119 --> 00:21:40.960 as a result it has sustained me. I've gotten a 358 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:44.480 little bit of trouble, okay, but for the most part, 359 00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:46.519 my big mouth that goes against the grain. That's a 360 00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:49.400 truth teller goes uh uh ah, No, that's not right. 361 00:21:49.839 --> 00:21:52.920 Why are we following that? But now in today's time, 362 00:21:53.559 --> 00:21:55.839 you know, we have a society where we have a 363 00:21:55.880 --> 00:22:00.519 government who's practicing kind of authoritarian ways. That's going to 364 00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:02.440 make people conform even more, isn't it. 365 00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:07.359 Yes, Basically people think that whatever is legal or blessed 366 00:22:07.400 --> 00:22:11.839 by society is moral. So we we do not have 367 00:22:12.279 --> 00:22:17.279 many security wolves and do not have many switches that 368 00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:20.359 you know, we will do as a society really bad 369 00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:24.039 things if the society is blessing us. 370 00:22:24.640 --> 00:22:25.599 Yes, So if. 371 00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:28.599 The society tells that this, you know, you can shoot 372 00:22:28.599 --> 00:22:32.160 at people in this way, you can do those atrocious things. 373 00:22:32.200 --> 00:22:35.519 You can you can torture, you will do it because 374 00:22:35.559 --> 00:22:37.119 society gives you the permission. 375 00:22:37.240 --> 00:22:39.200 This is so frightening. We have to go to a break. 376 00:22:39.400 --> 00:22:41.759 When we come back, I want you to talk about 377 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:47.440 some practical, actionable strategies so that we can make smarter 378 00:22:47.720 --> 00:22:52.079 decisions as individuals. My guest is the author of Homo 379 00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:59.079 idiot idiootesis are you're right? Idioticis? It's idiot idioticus idioticalus 380 00:22:59.160 --> 00:23:02.359 Homo idiotic is why we are stupid and what we 381 00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:04.119 can do about it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy 382 00:23:04.119 --> 00:23:07.599 Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on 383 00:23:07.640 --> 00:23:08.880 the iHeartRadio app. 384 00:23:09.480 --> 00:23:13.799 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 385 00:23:13.880 --> 00:23:15.160 AM six forty. 386 00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:20.200 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 387 00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:24.440 AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Chazari 388 00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:28.759 Petras petrass seek. Oh my god, I got to learn 389 00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:31.680 how to speak Polish. Chazari. I'm just gonna call you Tazari. 390 00:23:33.319 --> 00:23:33.920 That's perfect. 391 00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:39.480 A brilliant entrepreneur, investor, and author. He is actually the 392 00:23:39.519 --> 00:23:43.319 owner of a leading AI company that predicts human behavior. 393 00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:46.920 That's where you got all this information. All right, you 394 00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:51.480 mentioned earlier that we will follow the crowd because it's 395 00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:56.359 basic survival. We will make all kinds of biological, intellectual, 396 00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:00.480 and social mistakes. What can we do about it? How 397 00:24:00.519 --> 00:24:04.079 can we walk to our own drum? 398 00:24:04.119 --> 00:24:09.799 So there's there's many, many strategies, right, So one of 399 00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:12.759 the one of the critical important ones is the mindset. 400 00:24:13.079 --> 00:24:16.960 So basically the mindset is it's what you have cultivated. Right, 401 00:24:17.319 --> 00:24:21.039