Speaker 1: Now for an hour of comedy, brought to you by
RCA Victor world leader in radio first and recorded music
first in television by Chesterfield, the only cigarette that combines
mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste, The cigarette that brings you
Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, and by the makers of
anison for fast relief from the pains of headaches, neurritis
and euralgia. In thirty minutes, you'll hear Duffy's Tavern. But
now it's radio's newest transcribed comedy show, The Magnificent Montague.
The Magnificent Montague starring Marty Wallis do an actor like
Edwin Montague, the magnifict Montague of the Shakespearean Theater. Christmas
was just another day backstage, but today is uncle good Heart,
hero of an afternoon radio program. Christmas has become a
major event. Much to his disgust. The Montague apartment is
flooded with gifts from his grateful listeners. Lilly Boy and
his wife and Agnes the Maid have spent the entire
morning trying to break a path through the jam packed
living room. Somewhere in the living room, the phone.
Speaker 2: Rings, Agnes, Ergnes, Yeah, honey.
Speaker 3: Will you please answer the phone.
Speaker 4: I'm trying to. I just can't find it.
Speaker 3: Did you look behind the totem pole those eskimos sending.
Speaker 2: I'm behind the totem poles the way Here it is
in the dog sled. Hello, Yeah, this is Uncle goodhearts
American Express. Oh no, look look we're full of poled
it for a while, will you?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Hang on to it?
Speaker 6: What was that?
Speaker 2: A little something for Uncle Goodhop from the Elks in Lyndale, Minnesota?
Speaker 3: Really?
Speaker 7: What was it?
Speaker 4: An elk.
Speaker 3: And elk?
Speaker 8: Well, the least we can do is send it back
with a nice note to that Elks lodge, say.
Speaker 4: I got a great idea.
Speaker 9: What is it?
Speaker 4: Let's keep it and send him back to the Elks.
Speaker 3: Oh, Agnes stopped being ridiculous.
Speaker 2: Oh brother, One day with Montague and them Elks will
all be odd fellows.
Speaker 3: Agnes, won't you try and get along with my husband?
Speaker 2: Don't worry about us, honey, we have a perfect understanding.
Speaker 4: We hate each other, Agnes.
Speaker 3: Do you know how he feels about it?
Speaker 8: The magnificent molecule of the theater sinking to playing Uncle
Goodhart on radio. I thought all these gifts from listeners
would get a rise out of it.
Speaker 2: Don't give up, how honey, without Corny dishes out on
his program, somebody must send him a time bomb.
Speaker 8: Look at all these Christmas cards. How will I ever? Oh,
here's a letter for you. Special delivery for me.
Speaker 4: Must be a bite.
Speaker 2: Let me see. It's for my sister Helen and Hutchinson, Kansas.
Listen to this, dear rag. The whole family's down with measles,
except our son Junior. We got to get him out
of the house, so we're sending him under you. She kidding.
Speaker 3: That's wonderful.
Speaker 4: We've never had a child in our home for Christmas, Honey?
Speaker 2: Are you out of your mind? A ten year old
kid in this house with Montague? He's too young, Togo.
Speaker 3: As I could explain, I.
Speaker 4: Will do it. It says.
Speaker 2: He will arrive Friday on the Super corn Huskers six
o five six oh five New York Times Grand Central Station.
Speaker 3: Agnes, that's today, honey.
Speaker 2: I'll pack my grip, pick up the kid at the station,
take him out to Jersey to pond Miles and spend Christmas.
Speaker 8: There, Oh, Agnes, Christmas without you. Oh, I think Edwin
is up.
Speaker 10: Here?
Speaker 4: Come the Elk calling it's mate.
Speaker 11: Let's get that dog set away from the front of
his door too late, Edwin, You all right, all.
Speaker 12: Right, quite outside of the fact my legs have broken around.
Speaker 10: I never walk again.
Speaker 4: I'm tiptop.
Speaker 12: Will you please untangle me from this dog harness?
Speaker 10: Somebody do something, mush mush.
Speaker 12: An idea. If I ever again the use.
Speaker 10: Of my right foot again, I know just where I'm
going to put it. Do something now, we.
Speaker 8: Don't act like a babe baby, ed we eat your breakfast, no.
Speaker 12: Appetite anyway, I've got to get to the radio station
for my broadcast.
Speaker 3: Why did you look over today's Uncle good Heart script?
Speaker 12: What do you think? Killed by appetite? All your hair
on the radio is jingle bells? Jingle bells?
Speaker 8: You mean they have Uncle good Heart involved in Christmas
already already, already, there had been dashing through the snow
since April.
Speaker 3: When everybody loves this season.
Speaker 10: I tell you live.
Speaker 12: If I hear I am dreaming of a white Christmas
once more, I'm going to personally horse grip Berlin.
Speaker 3: Oh, she's packing.
Speaker 12: Packing, my fond is the dreams have come true? She's
been drafted.
Speaker 3: No, she's just leaving for the holidays.
Speaker 10: You won't be with us this Christmas without Agnes. Har
there is a Santa.
Speaker 8: Oh here she comes to say goodbye, Agnes the dog slamming.
Speaker 3: Agnes. Agnes.
Speaker 4: Are you all right? Oh my ankle?
Speaker 3: Edwin do something poor?
Speaker 12: Is he?
Speaker 5: Agnes?
Speaker 4: Far down and go boom.
Speaker 10: Let you see your little footage.
Speaker 4: You're distance your monster.
Speaker 3: Here, honey, let.
Speaker 8: Me lift you ed when she may be hurt, she
may a jingle bell.
Speaker 10: How can you I look for my broadcast?
Speaker 5: I am dreaming of a while, Chris, Oh.
Speaker 4: Uncle good heart, how can I ever thank you?
Speaker 10: No, No, Rocco, you talk to police in and let
me open up my pool.
Speaker 12: Room again, your pops, Uncle good heart, a roco, my boy.
Now you must worked to win back the respect to
the families whose kids you let hang around.
Speaker 10: Your pool room.
Speaker 12: Naturally they're a little peeved after all. You dip teach
the little takes how to steal cars.
Speaker 10: You encourage them to rob candy stores.
Speaker 12: You taught them how to roll drunks, all rock All
parents are funny.
Speaker 10: That way, Oh uncle good heart, it was my only
way out.
Speaker 12: I guess I'm just no good No, oh no, there's
a wide streak of goodness in.
Speaker 10: You if you do what you tell me, you're going
to do. Scouts down a good hearts this Christmas.
Speaker 12: There's going to be a Christmas tree on a snooker table,
and I'm hanging holly on the slap machines.
Speaker 10: And free pool for the kids all day Christmas.
Speaker 12: Oh Roco, here are the keys back to your pool room?
Oh no, into the sun and life.
Speaker 1: So ends another episode of Uncle good Heart, brought to
you by Shalamar Soap.
Speaker 5: And here is.
Speaker 1: Uncle good Heart with his thought for the day.
Speaker 12: When your Christmas tree sets your house on fire, and
no fire trucks answer the bell when the firemen do
come five hours late, won't you step up and say, Noel.
Speaker 9: You're off here, mister Montague.
Speaker 12: Eureka, I did it again without getting ill cracker jack show,
mister Montague as our director.
Speaker 9: Wasn't it cinsa ah?
Speaker 4: That was a low ploser?
Speaker 10: Shut up?
Speaker 12: Oh the answer.
Speaker 9: I suppose we'll see you at the Christmas party.
Speaker 10: See you at what party?
Speaker 9: Our sponsor?
Speaker 10: Shut him.
Speaker 9: Our soap is giving a little celebration. It's just an
office party. We rolled back the desks, open a.
Speaker 10: Few bottles, ink, no doubt.
Speaker 9: Be good for you to show up, mister Montague. The
top money men of the company will be there.
Speaker 10: The warden is letting them out for the.
Speaker 13: It's really jolly, mister Montague. Mister Montague, I don't want
this to come as a surprise to you, but I
promised my kids they could call you up Christmas morning
to wish you as cinsa cinsa.
Speaker 12: Should that unfortunate event happen, I can only promise that
my Christmas greeting to them will make them old before
they're tie. I assure you their hair will turn white
before the receiver falls from their stricken little hand.
Speaker 13: Mister Montague, I don't think you like children.
Speaker 12: Give this man six silver dollars the box of sticker.
Speaker 13: But mister Montague, what is Christmas without children?
Speaker 10: Paradise.
Speaker 1: We'll be back with a magnificent molecule in just a moment.
Now here's a word from our caa victor. Can you
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your RCA Victor dealers, and I'll back to the magnificent Moteru.
Having aired his tender feelings about children on Christmas, he
is on his way home from his broadcast. But Agnes
and Lily have problems of their own.
Speaker 2: Honey, please get me a cratch, anything, but I gotta
get out of here.
Speaker 3: Agnes, you just sit there.
Speaker 8: If the doctor said you cannot stand on that angle
for at least a week, Oh no.
Speaker 4: I have you juniors do in at six oh five?
What am I going to do about him?
Speaker 8: Agnes Junior is going to spend the holidays here with us?
Oh no, Edward will be crazy about Junior, and when
he sees you're sick, you'll probably try and mother you.
Speaker 4: Like one of them animals that devour their young.
Speaker 8: An please, I'll get it, Edwin, I have a wonderful
surprise for you.
Speaker 12: Hello, Lily, what oh Agnes's leg is broken? Lily, that
is a wonderful surprise.
Speaker 4: Hello mother, Edwind.
Speaker 3: Don't take your coat off.
Speaker 8: You have to rush right down to Grand Central station
to meet a train.
Speaker 12: Oh no, Lily, not your mother. No, it can't be it.
Why it's too warm out?
Speaker 3: Too warm out?
Speaker 12: Yes, she said it would be a cold ey be
while she ever came here.
Speaker 3: Again, No, no, Edwin, now relax.
Speaker 8: Agnes's sister is sending her ten year old son Junior
to spend Christmas with us.
Speaker 2: Excuse me, I have a fake note in the oven.
Speaker 10: Don't get up well, Agnes. So this is your new strategy.
Speaker 12: You found you couldn't drive me crazy by yourself, so
you're calling up reinforcements.
Speaker 3: Edwin, I want Junior here for Christmas.
Speaker 8: Christmases all our lives have been spent in dingy dressing
rooms or in strange cities on tour. Just once, I
want to get a tree and toys and spend Christmas
as it's meant to be spent.
Speaker 3: With a child.
Speaker 10: Lily, stop that blubbering.
Speaker 12: You sound like mar Perkins being dragged behind a truck.
Speaker 10: Along the road to life.
Speaker 12: What is there about Christmas that brings out all this horrible, nauseating,
miserable sentiment?
Speaker 4: Calabay and bless us, all said tiny timph.
Speaker 12: Oh, Lily, it might be a good idea to have
a tree this year. And I know just what I'm
going to hang from the top branch.
Speaker 4: Dead the hallsware thralls of holly time.
Speaker 3: I've never asked you for anything before.
Speaker 10: All right, all right, I'll go and pick up Junior away.
Speaker 3: How would you know him?
Speaker 10: Well, he's related to Agnes, isn't it.
Speaker 12: How many kids can there be at Grand Central Station
with two heads us?
Speaker 3: How Willie know it's your nephew?
Speaker 4: All the way?
Speaker 2: Helen always does it. She puts a tag mark Junior
around his neck.
Speaker 3: He's on the super corn Husker. Do you in at
six oh five.
Speaker 10: The Super corn Husker death.
Speaker 5: Where is nice? Stay?
Speaker 14: I can please? Arriving on tracks the Children's bark from
Nest Stilven.
Speaker 9: Bar Farthers, Mild black.
Speaker 14: Harmers, Gambling, Blackfield and Fallsburgh.
Speaker 10: That's a big help.
Speaker 12: Good course in fiction would probably put the railroads back
on their feet again. Oh there's the information desk.
Speaker 6: Me.
Speaker 10: Yes, sir, you give me some information about the train.
Speaker 6: Well if I can't, the railroad's been paying me for
nothing for thirty seven years.
Speaker 12: Oh no, look, milking, All I want is some information.
Speaker 10: How what do you want to know?
Speaker 7: Son?
Speaker 12: Just what track does the super corn Husker arrive on?
It's due any second, Super Cornhusker.
Speaker 4: Let me look at the schedule, super cheap. That wouldn't
be it woulded No, No, let.
Speaker 10: Me see, let me see at least I meant to
name you Moon look bing.
Speaker 5: In the ollow time.
Speaker 9: I'd be panting for more.
Speaker 7: The train is drew Hi, here we are lad, super
connask girl?
Speaker 10: Oh that come in about an hour ago? An hour ago? Please?
Speaker 14: A young boy has been found is tag around? That
junior is being held at the travelers A junior?
Speaker 10: Where's that? Yes?
Speaker 12: Sir, yes, sir? Can I help you I've come to
claim Junior.
Speaker 14: Thank heavens, Junia, here he comes kill your Yeah.
Speaker 12: This gentleman here has come for you.
Speaker 4: You cann't.
Speaker 12: Well. He has one thing in his favor. He didn't
walk in on all four he Look, Junior, I've come
to take you home.
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, my aunt's supposed to pick me up.
Speaker 12: Please, Julia, Junior, your auntie couldn't come for you.
Speaker 10: She's had a bad accident.
Speaker 6: She got shot where his New York game was just
like please say she wish please.
Speaker 12: Obviously obviously a product of progressive education. Look, Junior, I'll
take you to your aunt.
Speaker 10: Let's go.
Speaker 4: But the joke's over. You could take off the up.
Speaker 10: What the bush?
Speaker 4: The whiskers deard.
Speaker 12: Bab Look, Junior, my little man, if you make one
more reference to my beard, I will twist the features
of your little face back into human.
Speaker 4: Form along chipping. We touch you today.
Speaker 10: Let's go. Let's go and stay close to me so
they won't notice you're not on a leash. Touchet.
Speaker 4: That's French, you know. I read that in a book.
My father had hidden his desk.
Speaker 10: Just a typical healthy American boy.
Speaker 6: Hurry up, okay, here we are at the newsstand.
Speaker 4: Get me a comic book.
Speaker 9: Never mind, never.
Speaker 6: Mind, I run out of comic book's on a train,
spent over thirty minutes since I've seen a comic book.
Speaker 3: I'm getting stale.
Speaker 4: Do you hear me? Stale?
Speaker 14: Stale?
Speaker 10: Now, dear little man, I am not going to buy
you any comic books.
Speaker 4: You're kidding.
Speaker 5: I am not kidding.
Speaker 10: I am not going to buy you any comic books.
You ain't, I ain't.
Speaker 4: Okay, you asked for it. Here it comes o.
Speaker 10: I'll push the eyeballs back in your head. I'll get
you a comic book.
Speaker 4: Gee, you're a nice man.
Speaker 12: What crimes I must have perpetrated in my lifetime to
deserve this?
Speaker 10: All right, Junior? What comic book? Do you want?
Speaker 4: Anything with blood and girls on a cover?
Speaker 10: Yeah? That's some real gory one't they. We'll take these.
Speaker 4: Take hold it just a minute.
Speaker 6: How did does Peter Rabbit book get in here? It
scares me keep me up at night.
Speaker 10: We'll throw it into the ash can, but don't let
go of it.
Speaker 4: Okay, but face, get me some candy to eat on
the way over.
Speaker 10: No candy, no candy, no candy. And that's final.
Speaker 4: Okay, stand back await.
Speaker 10: All right, all I pick out some candy.
Speaker 6: I find candy very relaxing and it clears up my complexion.
Speaker 4: Okay, candy, here's the money, big spender.
Speaker 10: Let's find a cab and get home.
Speaker 12: Oh.
Speaker 6: I finally get to New York, and you are gonna
coop me up in some tenement.
Speaker 10: No story, Bob, we are going home.
Speaker 4: But I want to see all them famous sights in
New York. I don't want to waste a minute.
Speaker 12: And we'll pass the Apostate building. You can see the
Statue of Liberty.
Speaker 3: Nah.
Speaker 6: I want to see the real landmarks, the places I
dreamed about all my life.
Speaker 3: This is what New York means to me.
Speaker 6: I want to see that that's a guard store where
they bumped off Dutch shilts, the little house with the
picket fence where might have incorporated hung out, the bothershop.
Speaker 4: Where they got legs diamond. I want to sit in
this same chair, my dear boy.
Speaker 12: If I am sure of nothing else, I am sure
of this. You will sip someday in a chair. And
here is my favorite hope, that this good right hander
mine will be the one that pulls the switch.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, so no sight seeing. I'll settle for Roseman.
I was walking along.
Speaker 2: Look, honey, you're gonna start playing with that electric train.
Speaker 4: You'll have it busted before Junior gets here.
Speaker 3: I'm so excited. Doesn't the Christmas tree look lovely? What
are they getting back from the station? There they are?
Speaker 10: Edwin?
Speaker 3: Hello, Well, where's.
Speaker 12: Junior back in the hall? He's carving his initials on
our neighbor's dog.
Speaker 5: In here.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, okay, hello Junior. High a babe like this?
Speaker 10: Here's a nephew, Agnes. What's wrong?
Speaker 2: Nothing except I never seen this boy before in my life.
Speaker 4: You got the wrong kid, but an Agnes. My aunt's
name is Flora Belle, Edwin, what have you done?
Speaker 10: Talk of and snacked? Let's not read our head?
Speaker 4: Why smooth, chump whiskers. I got a hand of to you.
You pulled it off like clockwhite.
Speaker 10: I'm taking you right back to the station.
Speaker 4: You are jump I'm worth ten geez?
Speaker 10: Shut up.
Speaker 6: My Flora Belle's probably got New York crawling with cops
looking for you. And with that chinch rubbery you ain't
hard to describe.
Speaker 3: It would do something?
Speaker 4: Take it back easy, honey.
Speaker 10: Please let me think how quiet now.
Speaker 4: Here's how we work. You keep me hold up here
till the heats off. See then you send a ransom note,
no handwriting. You cut the letters out of the newspapers.
Speaker 10: What is this creature? He makes Dyllinger look like a
choir boy.
Speaker 4: What about my nephew? He's probably say don't touch it,
but it's probably the police. Why just put a handkerchief
over on my piece and.
Speaker 8: As hello, who or Agnes?
Speaker 3: She's hurt her ankle, she can't come to the phone. What, yes,
I'll tell her, thank you?
Speaker 8: What is it your sister, It wasn't the mes those
They took your nephew off the train in time.
Speaker 12: Hell, that takes care of one. I'm taking wolf boy back.
Speaker 10: To the station with the police. Lily. It may mean jail,
it may even mean the chair, but anything, rather than
have this thing to say her.
Speaker 12: House is man, Come on, scarface, let's go tell your whiskers.
Speaker 4: We could pull this off.
Speaker 9: Owl.
Speaker 3: So I just know something's happened to Edwin. Our Betty's
in jail.
Speaker 4: Honey.
Speaker 2: Any minute, I'm expecting a phone from the police begging
us to take him off their hands.
Speaker 3: Oh, Edwin, you're safe.
Speaker 4: We was all set to back your cake with a
file in it?
Speaker 10: Please? Haven't I had enough for one day?
Speaker 12: Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Edwin? Sit down? Oh wait wait, I'll turn off
for Christmas tree lights?
Speaker 10: Leave them on?
Speaker 5: Dear, what happened?
Speaker 10: I took him back to the Traveler's aid desk. His aunt,
Flora Bell was there.
Speaker 3: Did you look worried?
Speaker 10: Not until she realized she had him back. I don't care.
She gave me her card. Flora Bell Withers lives Crosstown.
What a kid?
Speaker 3: Oh you are right, Edwin. It would have been terrible
for you.
Speaker 7: Yea, what is it?
Speaker 12: Ed He wanted to see the cigar store wear. Dutch
shirts were pumped off.
Speaker 5: Imagination.
Speaker 10: I know, right, little fellow, you know spoke French? You know,
really ill? My good letter, Edwin.
Speaker 3: Why don't you rest in your den until we get dinner?
Speaker 10: Ready? Quiet around here, Corey for dinner?
Speaker 12: There?
Speaker 15: Who hello, Missus Withers, Missus Clorobell Withers.
Speaker 10: Well, this is Edwin Montague. Heah, yes, the man you
thought kidnapped your nephew. Miss with us. I was thinking,
since I called you so much anxiety, the.
Speaker 12: Least I can do is to take Junior off your
hands for Christmas. Yes or no, I'm not drunk?
Speaker 10: Oh, thank you?
Speaker 12: Well, after all, we have a tree, an electric trade,
and what is Christmas without children?
Speaker 10: Many Christmas? Dingle bell, dingle bell.
Speaker 1: Now here's a word from a very good friend of yours.
Speaker 7: This is Bob Hope. Can we steal a second?
Speaker 1: Say, Bob, did you notice there's a new Chesterfield poster
of you around town?
Speaker 12: Yeah?
Speaker 7: I saw him in a drug star the other day.
I'm dressed up as Santa Claus.
Speaker 15: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And you're holding a carton of Chesterfields with a picture
of being you know who who dressed up as Santa Claus.
And you're saying for Christmas gifts. Here's the answer, Yep,
Crosby for Christmas.
Speaker 6: Bob.
Speaker 1: Seriously, why did they make Crosby Papa Santa Claus and
the Christmas cart instead of you?
Speaker 10: Well?
Speaker 7: Hi, By tradition, Santa Claus is no man, yes, always
carrying a sack full.
Speaker 1: Well, in all fairness to Being Bob, I must say
it's a very attractive gift and is.
Speaker 7: Packed with two hundred of those always milder Chesterfields, which
make as fine a gift as anyone could give or
anyone could get. And folks if you want to prove that,
just for yourself, make that Chesterfield mildness test. Open them,
smell them, compare them, and smoke them.
Speaker 12: Chesterfield, Chesterfield always been first place that milder mild to
that cone ever liasen.
Speaker 7: After taste, So open a pack, give him a smell.
Speaker 12: Then you welcome.
Speaker 7: See you Tuesday night, folks for Chesterfield.
Speaker 1: Join us again next Friday, same time, same station, for
another transcribed visit with a magnificent Montague starring Malti Wooe,
created and directed by Matt Hiken, Written by Matt Hicken
and Billy Friedberg. Anne Seymour was Lilly Bow and Kurt
Calton was Agnes. Also heard in Tola's cast were Arnold Stang,
Johnny Gibson, Art Carney, and John Griggs. Now this is
Don Pardo saying stay tuned for Duffy's Tavern, which follows
immediately