WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.120 Thursday nights have a hush all their own in our apartment. 2 00:00:06.759 --> 00:00:09.320 I'll play Sits three stories above the clamor of Vine Street, 3 00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:12.160 a row of industrial windows cracked open for whatever late 4 00:00:12.199 --> 00:00:15.160 spring breeze might climb the fire escape. Jazz from the 5 00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:17.719 record Bard, dance to air seeps in, sometimes as slow bass, 6 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:20.600 sometimes chatter and laughter, never enough to drawn out the city, 7 00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:23.280 but enough to distract me from the clock. It's ten 8 00:00:23.359 --> 00:00:26.239 seven p m. The pottery class at the studio, and 9 00:00:26.320 --> 00:00:29.640 Grant wrapped by nine. Officially, she texted at eight fifty 10 00:00:29.679 --> 00:00:31.440 to say packing up now, But that was almost an 11 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:33.759 hour and a half ago. I wonder if I should 12 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:36.439 have called, But that never goes over. Well, I replay 13 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:38.880 my last message, take your time. I'll start on the dishes, 14 00:00:39.560 --> 00:00:42.439 neutral support of what I've always wanted to be. Still, 15 00:00:42.479 --> 00:00:44.640 I catch my own reflection in the glass, clutching my 16 00:00:44.679 --> 00:00:47.280 phone as if waiting for a test result. I set 17 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:49.159 it down with the quiet half, forced myself to rinse 18 00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:51.479 plates and dry my hands twice, all for something to do. 19 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:55.240 There's the familiar metallic clatter of her keys. The apartment 20 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:57.399 door swings open, and I see her solo, wet outlined 21 00:00:57.439 --> 00:00:59.560 by the whole light, messy top knot sleeves marched with 22 00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:02.359 dark lagd a reusable canvas back hanging off her arm. 23 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:05.959 She doesn't speak right away. She's balancing something in her hands, 24 00:01:06.040 --> 00:01:09.599 wrapped in newspaper. Hay, she says, voice oft and distracted. 25 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.680 She smells faintly of kiln, smoking strangely, something crisp, sweet 26 00:01:13.719 --> 00:01:18.640 and unfamiliar, not perfume, not her shampoo, almost like a Colonne. 27 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:22.200 I can't quite place, hey, I answer, Watching her unwrap 28 00:01:22.280 --> 00:01:26.000 the package. She holds out a mugger deep, even matgray, symmetrical, 29 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:29.000 the hand a perfectly formed. It's more stovrant than her 30 00:01:29.079 --> 00:01:32.560 usual ride of colors and extras. Free you, she says, 31 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:36.719 pressing it into my hands. It's dishwasher safe, promise. I 32 00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:40.200 turn it round in the light. It's beautiful, sure, almost austere. 33 00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:43.840 Looks different than your other stuff. I try to smile 34 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:46.560 as I say it. She shrugs, already moving past me 35 00:01:46.599 --> 00:01:48.799 to drop her bag by the kitchen. Did Joe may 36 00:01:48.840 --> 00:01:51.439 help with the glaze This time? Her tone is casual, 37 00:01:51.480 --> 00:01:53.439 even as she slips out of her shoes, flicking her 38 00:01:53.480 --> 00:01:57.359 phone screen, tossing keys on to the counter. Jana. I 39 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:00.280 don't mean to sound wory, just curious. I think she 40 00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:02.959 doesn't meet my eyes. Busying herself a folding the newspaper. 41 00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:06.319 He's in the advanced class. He knows all these tricks 42 00:02:06.319 --> 00:02:09.479 for firing in reduction, says it gives better texture. She 43 00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:12.080 glances at the mug, then at me, quick as a 44 00:02:12.120 --> 00:02:15.719 camera flash. I don't worry. I still like my ridiculous colors. 45 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:18.319 I gnaw, tasting metal on the back of my tongue. 46 00:02:18.680 --> 00:02:22.120 What time did class end? The kiln was slow, she says, 47 00:02:22.280 --> 00:02:25.000 almost a fan had to wait and help clean up. 48 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:28.080 I texted you, it's just the edge of defensiveness there, 49 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:31.800 or maybe I'm imagining it. Of course, she texted, I 50 00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:34.000 want to ask about the cologne, but stifle it. Feeling 51 00:02:34.039 --> 00:02:36.680 suddenly silly. I set the mug on our shelf between 52 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:38.919 a lopsided Teka's face and a small sculpture of a 53 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:41.840 frog holding a coffee bean. All her pieces all bright 54 00:02:41.879 --> 00:02:44.800 and imperfect, except for the new mug. That one feels 55 00:02:44.800 --> 00:02:46.800 like a rental, a stand in, as if it belongs 56 00:02:46.800 --> 00:02:49.479 in some one else's kitchen. She has for the bathroom 57 00:02:49.520 --> 00:02:51.840 to shower the clay from her wrists, leaving the faintest 58 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:54.199 whiff of that same smoky sweet scent lingering in the air, 59 00:02:54.719 --> 00:02:56.879 the kind of moment i'd normally brush past, but to 60 00:02:57.000 --> 00:02:59.479 night I fix you. I almost want to sniff my 61 00:02:59.479 --> 00:03:02.360 own sleeve evidence, but laugh at myself instead, finding the 62 00:03:02.360 --> 00:03:05.840 thought both absurd and quietly humiliating. Our apartment never felt 63 00:03:05.879 --> 00:03:07.800 so big as it does when the stile and stretches 64 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:10.879 after her footsteps in the water runs. I watch her 65 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:13.479 through the reflection on the oven's glass door, bler, distorted, 66 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:16.599 rinsing away the night. I try not to second guess 67 00:03:16.599 --> 00:03:19.319 at ten year ritual. She's always been like this after 68 00:03:19.360 --> 00:03:22.599 our class, radiant, distracted, brimming with some new idea, or 69 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:25.719 sometimes tangled up in her own head. Once. I loved 70 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:28.159 that about her. But to night, alone in the kitchen 71 00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:30.439 with that perfect mug, I realize for the first time, 72 00:03:30.520 --> 00:03:33.159 I don't know what story I am holding. It's strange 73 00:03:33.159 --> 00:03:35.439 how quickly the mind skips back to origin points, as 74 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:38.360 if confirmation is nestled and some half forgotten scene. I 75 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:40.520 must have replayed the night we met a hundred times, 76 00:03:40.599 --> 00:03:43.240 but tonight the memory comes onbidden, vivid as a photograph. 77 00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:45.319 I'm sitting at a sticky bar table at the Greenhouse, 78 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:47.520 so I laughed her tumbling out of the crowd. It 79 00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:49.360 was open Mike night, and she stood up with a 80 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:51.960 guitar that had too many stickers and absolutely no fear 81 00:03:51.960 --> 00:03:55.360 of missing a chord. Her voice was terrible, her lyrics worse, 82 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:57.199 but she drew the whole room in with sheer nerve. 83 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:00.599 I sat there a little in all I Afterward she 84 00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:03.520 sat across from me, blunt, wild, a little bit tipsy, 85 00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:05.599 eyes shining as she riffed about why the word ceramics 86 00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:09.039 should always be plural. I verily said three sentences all night, 87 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:11.879 but I listened, and she seemed to love that In 88 00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:14.520 the years since. Thus how we fit. She the hurricane 89 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:17.000 of color and noise, me the quiet space to return to. 90 00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:20.000 We moved into our light filled apartment two years later. 91 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:24.199 She filled it slowly but inevitably with her work. Each 92 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:27.279 piece had her finger prints literally, sometimes warped balls, giraffe 93 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:30.519 print platters, a little dancer with the chipney. My own 94 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:34.079 contributions were mostly hung on walls, black and white photographs 95 00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:37.319 from around the city, geometric studies of light and abandoned buildings. 96 00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:40.639 Her pieces always made the place Field lived in never staged. 97 00:04:41.399 --> 00:04:43.639 Our friends made up a gallery all their own artists 98 00:04:43.639 --> 00:04:45.879 and writers, a cook with more tattoos than recipes, a 99 00:04:45.879 --> 00:04:49.680 couple of local actors. Marcy, who ran the Cliffs Eye Gallery, 100 00:04:49.839 --> 00:04:53.319 was always first to r VP for our late dinners. Luca's, 101 00:04:53.319 --> 00:04:55.959 a sculptor whose hands were big enough to break cinder blocks, 102 00:04:56.279 --> 00:04:58.480 usually arrived with two bottles of malbock and a tail 103 00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:01.439 about someone's muror being painted over again. We'd build our 104 00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:05.439 little collective out of bad wine, shared inspiration, honest critique. 105 00:05:05.519 --> 00:05:08.480 Almost every weekend there was something ashore, to attend, an event, 106 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:11.879 to host another friend's opening night. We went everwhere together. 107 00:05:11.959 --> 00:05:14.639 Hans laced our arms, thrown over shoulders, the two constants 108 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:17.360 in any fot if we had boundaries, they were gentle. 109 00:05:17.959 --> 00:05:20.839 Sometimes she'd disappear into her studio for hours, chasing a 110 00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:24.360 new technique. I'd lose myself in the dock room, growing 111 00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:28.399 photos grain by grain. We trusted the distance. She always 112 00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:30.759 returned clay in her hair, stories tumbling out about what 113 00:05:30.879 --> 00:05:33.560 rhean and tried to make explode this time. But subtle 114 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:36.639 things shift. I can't pinpoint when we stopped occupying the 115 00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:39.079 same orbit, only that lately I sometimes hear her through 116 00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:41.759 a closed door, her voice lower, laughter, a little too private. 117 00:05:42.360 --> 00:05:44.959 My own work's grown heavier, more routine, Thie managing web 118 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:48.279 content for a design agency. Deadlines and feedback loops, less 119 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:51.079 time to wander with my camera. We still share news 120 00:05:51.079 --> 00:05:53.480 at dinner, but the conversations are more logistical. Who was 121 00:05:53.560 --> 00:05:55.800 running to the grocery? Whether someone can make the clean 122 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.160 up crew for the next event. She claimed, she's stretching herself, 123 00:05:59.240 --> 00:06:02.199 seeking out new mediums. It fits who she's always been, 124 00:06:02.240 --> 00:06:04.480 or so I tell myself. But as I run my 125 00:06:04.519 --> 00:06:07.240 finger along the flawless mug, I realize our freedom, the 126 00:06:07.319 --> 00:06:10.199 thing I always admire, now feels more like parallel tracks. 127 00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:13.600 On Friday, she's out of bed before seven, rummaging through 128 00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:15.319 the kitchen for the travel mugs, even though she knows 129 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:19.519 I hate drinking coffee from metal class Again, I ask, stretching, 130 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.800 She nods, hunting for something in the pantry I'm heading 131 00:06:22.839 --> 00:06:24.639 in early. Jonah wants to try a new blend for 132 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:28.720 the slip. Thinks it'll dry quicker, Joan again. I clock it, 133 00:06:28.839 --> 00:06:32.160 say nothing. Instead, I offer mind if I swing by 134 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:34.800 after work, I'd love to see the new pieces. She 135 00:06:34.920 --> 00:06:38.879 hesitates only for a heartbeat, then shoots me a breezy smile. Honestly, 136 00:06:39.000 --> 00:06:41.600 it's just basic forms to day, super repetitive. You be 137 00:06:41.639 --> 00:06:44.240 bored out of your mind. I want to object, but 138 00:06:44.279 --> 00:06:46.959 the moment passes as she heads for the door. Don't 139 00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:50.639 forget the portfolio review. On Sunday, she calls. I wave, 140 00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:53.120 but she's already gone, and our apartment is once more 141 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:55.279 filled with the kind of silence that only feels heavy 142 00:06:55.319 --> 00:06:59.319 after goodbyes. The day drafts lower than usual. In the past, 143 00:06:59.399 --> 00:07:02.800 I'd get tech snapshots of disasters, funny pottery mishaps, the 144 00:07:02.839 --> 00:07:06.199 occasional selfie with a friend's close blotted face. Lately, all 145 00:07:06.240 --> 00:07:08.759 I get our neutral updates. Still at studio late night, 146 00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:14.240 do wait up? No emojis, no punctuation. Sometimes I convince 147 00:07:14.279 --> 00:07:17.519 myself it's nothing complain to myself about my own schedule. 148 00:07:17.600 --> 00:07:19.680 I should be grateful she is something that excites her. 149 00:07:20.399 --> 00:07:22.279 I wouldn't want to be the partner who can't manage 150 00:07:22.279 --> 00:07:26.000 a little freedom. Saturday afternoon, she returns with a plastic 151 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:28.680 tub of four newbale sleek, faceted, glazed and washed out 152 00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:32.120 earth tones. The old pieces have bright, swelling lines or 153 00:07:32.199 --> 00:07:35.279 creance gold monster face hidden underneath, or the occasional mistake 154 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:39.000 glazed over with some private joke. These are objectively beautiful, 155 00:07:39.160 --> 00:07:40.959 but looking at them, I feel like a stranger in 156 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:44.720 my own home. She notices my stare and grins. Joon 157 00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:48.879 is obsessed with minimalism. It's catching. I feign enthusiasm, but 158 00:07:48.920 --> 00:07:51.920 it dies in my mouth. I'm reminded, for some reason, 159 00:07:52.079 --> 00:07:54.319 of when my sisters started dating a guitarist in high 160 00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:57.000 school and came back from visits talking about tone colors 161 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:00.399 and major keys. Maybe that's normal, the way people influence 162 00:08:00.439 --> 00:08:03.079 each other through proximity. I put the balls up on 163 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:06.560 a new shelf. Later, after she showers and disappears into 164 00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:09.199 a sketch book, I find myself standing at the threshold, 165 00:08:09.319 --> 00:08:12.519 watching her pencil move. She smiles softly, but the drawing 166 00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:15.279 is just a quick gesture, a bottle, a cup, nothing revealing. 167 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:18.120 That night, I score through my own photos, trying to 168 00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:21.439 recapture something from the city outside. The images look stale, 169 00:08:21.480 --> 00:08:24.519 suddenly irrelevant. I close the folder and try not to 170 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:28.079 wish she'd ask for my opinion. Weeks pass. She's out 171 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:31.240 late twice, sometimes three times a week. Now, the line 172 00:08:31.240 --> 00:08:34.080 between class open studio and a just hanging out begins 173 00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:36.960 to blur one night. As she enters, I immediately notice 174 00:08:36.960 --> 00:08:39.399 the same unfamiliar scent on her shirt, smoky mixed with 175 00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:41.879 whatever colonne that is just strong enough to feel exidental. 176 00:08:42.519 --> 00:08:46.080 She talks quickly, her voice animated. Joonas convinced that the 177 00:08:46.120 --> 00:08:48.639 older wheels work better for centering clay. That messes with 178 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:50.720 your whole rhythm. But he's kind of a genius when 179 00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:53.360 it comes to hand building. I nod, searching for the 180 00:08:53.399 --> 00:08:56.679 comfortable space between interested and intrusive. You spend a lot 181 00:08:56.679 --> 00:08:59.879 of time with him lately, she laughs, a little too loud. 182 00:09:00.480 --> 00:09:02.519 He's the only one willing to get his hands dirty 183 00:09:02.519 --> 00:09:05.399 after class. Most people just bail. I don't say what 184 00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:08.399 I'm thinking at It's convenient how everyone else vanishes, leaving 185 00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:11.279 only the two of them. On Tuesday evening, I head 186 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:13.039 home early with the half formed plan to swing by 187 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:15.919 the studio. I want to surprise her, bring her take 188 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:18.679 up her favorite spicy noodles. I check the time as 189 00:09:18.679 --> 00:09:21.440 I walk six forty. The sign on the door confirms 190 00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:24.200 the studios open until eight. I'm half way to the door, 191 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:26.320 where my phone buzz is running late all night are 192 00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:28.639 with a new kiln load. Love you. I pause in 193 00:09:28.679 --> 00:09:31.240 the middle of the sidewalk. The paper bagsweaty in my hand. 194 00:09:31.879 --> 00:09:34.440 Love you. I try to press that toward my heart, 195 00:09:34.519 --> 00:09:37.720 but even the words feel like they've changed currency. Instead, 196 00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:40.360 I eat in a park and walk home. The apartment 197 00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.320 is empty until nearly midnight. She wakes me tipto and 198 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:46.360 past the bedroom, a shadow moving with deliberate care. The 199 00:09:46.360 --> 00:09:48.679 pattern repeats enough times that my mind starts to race 200 00:09:48.679 --> 00:09:51.679 ahead of itself. It's not just the hours of the cologne, 201 00:09:51.799 --> 00:09:53.919 or even Jonah's names stitch through every story. It's the 202 00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:56.200 way her lofty sounds rehearsed when she tells me about 203 00:09:56.200 --> 00:09:58.600 her day, sharp and abbreviated, like some one pulling off 204 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:01.519 a mask. I tell myself the classes are good for her, 205 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:04.679 that I've always loved her independence. I remind myself that 206 00:10:04.759 --> 00:10:06.799 jealousy is an ugly word, and that suspicion is the 207 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:09.919 last refuge of the insecure. And yet each time she 208 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:12.919 comes home late and presents another fowllless, soulless bowl, something 209 00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:16.080 inside me eaches beneath mine own skin. One rainy Thursday, 210 00:10:16.120 --> 00:10:18.679 I try once more, any chance I could tag a 211 00:10:18.759 --> 00:10:20.919 long and watch the class. I'd love to see how 212 00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:23.879 you work that new wheel. She freezes for half a second, 213 00:10:23.879 --> 00:10:27.159 then breezes on. We're just hand building tonight. It's all 214 00:10:27.200 --> 00:10:29.639 clay and pinched thumbs. Really not thrilling to watch. Plus, 215 00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:32.000 the studio is super strict about non members just hanging 216 00:10:32.039 --> 00:10:35.360 around insurance stuff. I nod, running a finger along my 217 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:39.240 coffee mug. Maybe when you have your neck show. There's 218 00:10:39.320 --> 00:10:41.919 nothing on the calendar for months. She shoots back, too fast. 219 00:10:42.679 --> 00:10:45.279 Right now, it's just practice. I'm not sure who I'm 220 00:10:45.320 --> 00:10:48.440 trying to convince her or myself cross the room. Her 221 00:10:48.440 --> 00:10:50.799 phone lights up with a new notification, and she flips 222 00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:53.559 it over without a glance. Friday, I meet Chloe at 223 00:10:53.600 --> 00:10:56.159 the River Cafe. We're both there by accident, her and 224 00:10:56.240 --> 00:11:00.320 paintsplatted jenes Me fresh from a deadline conversation drive, and 225 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:03.840 she suddenly nods toward the street. Soul Cassie at Groucher's 226 00:11:03.919 --> 00:11:05.759 last night. He must have gotten out of their earlier. 227 00:11:06.279 --> 00:11:09.840 I hesitate, not wanting to admit I wasn't invited. Haven't 228 00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:12.960 been to Groutger's in months? What was the occasion? She 229 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:16.200 SIPs her tea eyeing me lightly. Her pottery friends came 230 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:19.080 after class, big crew, seemed like I only recognize her 231 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:20.960 in one or two others. There was a tall guy, 232 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:24.240 kind of intense, curly hair, lots of bracelets he was holding. 233 00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:28.080 Caught on something about firing schedules. She smiles, then pauses 234 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:30.679 as I don't return it. I figured you whither too. 235 00:11:31.320 --> 00:11:34.320 I force a laugh. Long week at work, missed all 236 00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:36.679 the fun. I leave it at that, but my mind 237 00:11:36.679 --> 00:11:39.399 trips over the details. A dinner after class, when she 238 00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:42.879 said she was up late cleaning kilns, a tall man bracelets, 239 00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:46.919 passionate about firing times. My stomach knots with the sickly curiosity. 240 00:11:47.559 --> 00:11:49.960 That evening, when she comes home, I look at her pieces, 241 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:52.879 crowded on the new shelf. Some now bear j m 242 00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:55.840 eshnately at the bottom. I wait until dinner to ask 243 00:11:55.960 --> 00:11:58.440 Foice is steady as I can manage. Some of your 244 00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:01.360 pieces have someone else's initials. J Am Is that Jonah? 245 00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:04.480 She glances at the shelf, smile tight. He's helping me 246 00:12:04.519 --> 00:12:06.720 with the technical stuff right now. We're collaborating a bit. 247 00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:09.200 He's way more precise with glazes. I think it's good 248 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:11.720 for me to try new things you know. There's a 249 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:15.080 practice quality to her answer, but nothing aggressive. I want 250 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:17.799 to push further, but let a drop. Later. I sneak 251 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:19.960 into the bedroom while she's finishing a podcast in the 252 00:12:19.960 --> 00:12:22.480 bath and dig through her closet. I'm not sure what 253 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:25.720 I'm looking for. At the back, between sweaters, I find 254 00:12:25.720 --> 00:12:28.799 a small, half finished sculpture, rough, almost grotesque, just a 255 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.720 massive twist of forms. It's not like her at all. 256 00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:33.799 I turn it over in my palm and see the 257 00:12:33.799 --> 00:12:36.440 faintest ce jade, her initials scratched and evenly into the clay. 258 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:39.679 When she emerges, I slide the sculpture onto the dresser. 259 00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:44.639 She barely glanced at it. All, project, she says, almost dismissively, 260 00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:49.320 didn't work out. I almost believe her. Saturday, she's out again, 261 00:12:49.320 --> 00:12:51.679 this time for its studio lock in. Even as I 262 00:12:51.720 --> 00:12:55.720 accept her explanations, I notice the distance. At gallery events, 263 00:12:55.720 --> 00:12:58.399 she flitten late, already dressed, hay pulled back with the 264 00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:01.320 new beaded necklace I've never seen before. I'm oping a 265 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:04.440 bottle of wine at Massi's when there's bought her wearing it. Later, 266 00:13:04.519 --> 00:13:07.039 scrolling through Instagram, I see the same beat around jonas 267 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:09.159 wrist his arm around some one unown two drinks on 268 00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:12.960 the bar of caption great company, wild inspiration. Our friends 269 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:16.200 begin to act differently. The group texts, which once pined 270 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:18.360 all day with jokes and memes, is quite over. Every 271 00:13:18.360 --> 00:13:20.200 mention of a party or show now feels like an 272 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:23.159 inside reference. I missed. Chloe is still warm. If a 273 00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:26.559 bit more careful, Lucas texts one evening you two okay, 274 00:13:26.799 --> 00:13:29.840 misseeing you around. I tipe out a reply and delete it. 275 00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:33.480 Our routines crumble. If I suggest in her, she claims 276 00:13:33.559 --> 00:13:36.320 Jonah's staying late to tweak the schedule. If I plan 277 00:13:36.440 --> 00:13:38.360 a weekend walk across the river, she is committed to 278 00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:41.799 helping organize the studio. The gap between our lives widens, 279 00:13:41.879 --> 00:13:45.600 failed by excuses, she delivers with practice efficiency. Some nights 280 00:13:45.639 --> 00:13:50.000 I consider following her. I don't. Instead, I start collecting 281 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:53.360 tiny observations, like puzzle pieces, collaborations that don't match her voice, 282 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:55.639 private events I am not invited to new friends whose 283 00:13:55.720 --> 00:13:58.960 name she drops without contexts. I flip between believing her 284 00:13:58.960 --> 00:14:02.120 and wondering if I'm losing my mind. Sunday morning, there 285 00:14:02.159 --> 00:14:04.399 is an e mail invitation from the ALM Studio gallery 286 00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:07.639 it's for an opening. Potter is after midnight select works 287 00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:10.639 of the Downtown Collective R s v P guest lists 288 00:14:10.679 --> 00:14:13.720 opened to the public. Cassie never mentioned to show yet. 289 00:14:13.720 --> 00:14:16.000 Three of her new bowls are on the flier. I 290 00:14:16.120 --> 00:14:19.679 ask her about it over eggs. That's only for studio members, 291 00:14:19.840 --> 00:14:23.000 she says, quickly, looking past me as she speaks. I'm 292 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:26.919 not actually showing anything finished. It's invitation only anyway. I 293 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:29.639 pick up my food, remembering Lucas saying he'd be there, 294 00:14:29.759 --> 00:14:32.799 and Marcy forwarding me the invitation. If I press, I 295 00:14:32.840 --> 00:14:36.039 worry the lie will become too obvious. I let it slide, 296 00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:38.240 loathing my own cowardice, adding it to a growing stack 297 00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:41.600 of Quie betrayals. One evening, the wind rattling the windows 298 00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:44.879 a scroll. Jona's public Instagram again few personal photos, mostly 299 00:14:44.879 --> 00:14:48.080 ceramics and studio shots, but buried among them from last month, 300 00:14:48.120 --> 00:14:49.960 a blurry photo of what might be the bond near 301 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:52.759 the studio. Cassi is there, head tipped back in laughter. 302 00:14:52.919 --> 00:14:54.799 What looks like her hand near Joan is a matching 303 00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:58.240 necklace on her chest. I try to comfort myself. Maybe 304 00:14:58.240 --> 00:15:00.799 I am reading too much into it. Maybe everything is 305 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:03.639 still within the safe boundaries of friendship and artistic collaboration. 306 00:15:04.279 --> 00:15:06.399 I almost manage to believe it until late one night 307 00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:09.200 she stumbles in, smelling of whiskey and clay, ignoring my 308 00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:13.519 questions entirely. The next morning she's short, brisk. I need 309 00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:16.879 to focus, the police, just space, okay. She spends the 310 00:15:16.879 --> 00:15:19.480 next hours in the spare room, music up, door closed. 311 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:22.000 I pour coffee into the gray mug and sit on 312 00:15:22.039 --> 00:15:25.080 the fire escape, watching people with places to go, lives 313 00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:28.279 outside the double glaze glass. I envy them their certainty, 314 00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:31.440 their lack of questions. A month after the first mug appeared, 315 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:33.240 I wandered the apartment alone on the night she is 316 00:15:33.240 --> 00:15:36.559 at the studio. Late. I count six new pieces, mugsipules, 317 00:15:36.639 --> 00:15:39.399 three more faceted neutral vases, all stamped to J m 318 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:43.720 Orgsy JY and careful matching letters. I pulled down her 319 00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:47.080 old pieces, wild, uneven, playful, and arrange them side by side. 320 00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:52.000 The difference is unmistakable. Her old work pulses with imperfections, stories, 321 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:55.120 wounds healed and reopened by glaze. The new ones could 322 00:15:55.159 --> 00:15:58.399 be any one's. My mind races with theories, most of 323 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:02.399 them unkind. I try to imagine alternatives. Maybe she's chasing 324 00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:05.720 technical mastery. Maybe Jonah is nothing more than amuse. Maybe 325 00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:08.360 I'm simply not a part of this new phase. I 326 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:10.879 resist the urge to check her phone. I know the 327 00:16:10.919 --> 00:16:12.960 pass code, but I can't bring myself to break that 328 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:16.679 barrier yet. One evening, while she's showering, I stare at 329 00:16:16.679 --> 00:16:19.039 the freshly thrown mug on the counter and ask myself, 330 00:16:19.080 --> 00:16:20.919 out loud, am I losing her? Or am I just 331 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:23.960 jealous of something she needed all along? Her laughter now 332 00:16:24.039 --> 00:16:26.320 rare enough to be precious, floats from the bathroom, and 333 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:27.960 for a second I see a version of us from 334 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:30.440 before shared take out late night talks about the absurdity 335 00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:33.120 of art, her head on my shoulder, our mutual certainty. 336 00:16:33.720 --> 00:16:37.519 It's gone again, just as quickly. I sit up in bed, restless, 337 00:16:37.720 --> 00:16:40.000 listening to water Trip in the kitchen, the record bar below, 338 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.759 winding down for the night. The next day, I try 339 00:16:42.759 --> 00:16:45.799 to reclaim something ordinary. I ask about plans for an 340 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:48.559 upcoming arts festival, one we've always attended together, something of 341 00:16:48.559 --> 00:16:52.360 a tradition. She feigns enthusiasm, promises, of course, I want 342 00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:54.320 to go with you. We haven't done that in ages. 343 00:16:54.440 --> 00:16:56.679 Let's make a day of it, just us for a 344 00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:00.159 few nights, our routine softens. We eat dinner together, even 345 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:02.480 laugh over a burned loaf of bread. We sit on 346 00:17:02.519 --> 00:17:05.079 the couch, half watching an old film, her hand finding 347 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.599 mine in the dark. She lets me read part of 348 00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:10.279 her notebook, sketches for sculptures that seen half finished but 349 00:17:10.359 --> 00:17:14.640 finally undeniably house. I catch glimpses of the cassi I 350 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:17.599 know best, the wild, unfiltered, generous spirit. I fell in 351 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:20.400 love with my doubt's dim if only for a moment. 352 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:23.359 I start to believe again, to hope that whatever distance 353 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:25.279 grew between us was nothing more than a phase, a 354 00:17:25.319 --> 00:17:28.440 creative fever that would burn itself out. But then Treville, 355 00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:31.119 perhaps but undeniable. A text lights up her phone one morning, 356 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:33.799 as were prepping for the festival. Donah, no last name, 357 00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:37.240 but unmistakable. The message is a fragment, but loaded last 358 00:17:37.319 --> 00:17:40.799 night was everything. Next week. I don't say anything. The 359 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:43.720 words feel like a stone in my chest. I tell 360 00:17:43.720 --> 00:17:46.200 myself that I am being paranoid. Could be about studio work, 361 00:17:46.359 --> 00:17:49.759 some new pottery effort. But the certainty I longed for evaporates, 362 00:17:49.799 --> 00:17:53.480 replaced by chasm of doubt. I start searching quietly at first. 363 00:17:54.119 --> 00:17:56.680 When she leaves her bag unattended, I check the pockets. 364 00:17:57.240 --> 00:17:59.559 When she leaves for the studio, I open her closet again, 365 00:17:59.559 --> 00:18:02.799 taking back the stacks of new insipid balls. I find 366 00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:05.799 a sketch book I've never seen before, then tapped between 367 00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:09.319 pairs of jeenes inside a page after page sketches, all 368 00:18:09.359 --> 00:18:12.400 variations on one theme. A man, tall, curly hair, sometimes 369 00:18:12.400 --> 00:18:14.960 with a beard, always in some corner of the pottery studio, 370 00:18:15.640 --> 00:18:18.240 sometimes at a wheel, sometimes just a profile, a hand 371 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:20.240 called amid motion, a pair of hands on a muck. 372 00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:23.440 None a labeled Jonah, but the resemblance to his photos 373 00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:27.240 is clear. My heart pounds cold and wild. Each image 374 00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:30.720 feels more intimate than the last. Not pornographic, nothing overtly sexual, 375 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:32.480 but there's an attention to him I never saw when 376 00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:35.200 any sketch of me. He is in her hand, at home, 377 00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:37.720 in a clay, at home, in her gaze. For days, 378 00:18:37.799 --> 00:18:41.960 I oscillate between confrontation and paralysis. I consider asking Lucas 379 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:44.319 for advice, but the thought of voicing it aloud makes 380 00:18:44.359 --> 00:18:47.720 my chest height. I try asking Marcy, almost as in 381 00:18:47.799 --> 00:18:50.440 a side, if she knows Joana well She hesitates as 382 00:18:50.519 --> 00:18:54.279 flicking away and just says he's intense. People talk. She 383 00:18:54.400 --> 00:18:56.440 waves it off, but I can see the unease in 384 00:18:56.480 --> 00:18:58.480 her mouth, the suggestion that she knows more than she 385 00:18:58.519 --> 00:19:01.359 is willing to share. The next gallery event, I watch 386 00:19:01.400 --> 00:19:04.680 Cassie from across the room. She's buoyant, flying between groups, 387 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:08.000 laughing easily, wearing a new pair of clay rings. Her 388 00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:11.079 phone keeps buzzing. Tucked into her pocket. I see her 389 00:19:11.079 --> 00:19:13.279 texting through the night, always with her body angled away 390 00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:15.599 from me. We miss each other more often than not. 391 00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:18.400 When I suggest to walk home together, she claims a 392 00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:21.680 headache and leaves early with studio friends. I wander the 393 00:19:21.720 --> 00:19:24.640 city alone, trying to recall the feeling of belonging somewhere 394 00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:27.559 to some one at home. I try to start a conversation. 395 00:19:28.279 --> 00:19:33.039 Is everything okay? She stiffens, you are acting weird. There's 396 00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:35.480 a wall now high and quietly fortified, between everything I 397 00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:38.160 want to know and everything she refuses to say. I 398 00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:40.279 wonder when it was thus she started withholding, or if 399 00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:43.599 I'm only just now noticing. She accuses me of being distant, 400 00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:46.880 of being chu absorbed by my work. There's some truth there, 401 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:50.240