Speaker 1: Look up with come all the things on the bottom.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, is you You're my favorite view?
Speaker 2: But there's nothing.
Speaker 3: And we are back, Welcome back Bumble.
Speaker 4: Today, we are doing something that we have not done
Speaker 4: in a very long time. Uh and I think that
Speaker 4: we've only done two or three times total since we
Speaker 4: started the podcast, and we are doing a zoom call
Speaker 4: with a couple who is going to treat this almost
Speaker 4: the way.
Speaker 2: That we do couples retreats.
Speaker 4: They're going to tell us what's going on in their
Speaker 4: lives and we're going to try to troubleshoot and help them.
Speaker 4: And the couple that we have on the call's name
Speaker 4: is Addie and Hobby. Anything you want to add before
Speaker 4: we just jump right in because this is definitely not
Speaker 4: a housekeeping moment. Okay, you guys might see us eating
Speaker 4: because we're it's dinner time and I'm not ashamed to
Speaker 4: eat on cameras, so you may see me eat. She's
Speaker 4: looking at like maybe not yeah cause the chewing. Yeah yeah, okay,
Speaker 4: no problem.
Speaker 5: We just say jack in the box.
Speaker 2: So all good, nice, nice, All right.
Speaker 4: So what do you guys got going on in your
Speaker 4: lives that you wanted to do the zoom call.
Speaker 5: I'm just saying it's mainly me. My husband is a
Speaker 5: very hard working man who does not spend much time
Speaker 5: on the internet. However, I consume your guys is content
Speaker 5: like a good book repeatedly. You guys play in my
Speaker 5: house on repeat most of the time. I just find
Speaker 5: that I feel we struggle with not only some boundaries
Speaker 5: with his parents. I feel like maybe he doesn't he
Speaker 5: doesn't always stick up for me to his mother when
Speaker 5: I feel he should, and not that his mother isn't great.
Speaker 5: She she always goes out of her way to help us,
Speaker 5: but she also tends to talk smack to us about
Speaker 5: my health when I'm not doing what I'm doing, kind
Speaker 5: of coming trying to come into our marriage where I
Speaker 5: feel she doesn't be long. And then I also feel
Speaker 5: like when I'm upset, he can't necessarily communicate how he's
Speaker 5: feeling or why he's feeling that way, and I don't
Speaker 5: quite get the closures that I need all the time.
Speaker 3: Okay, you want to start with the un laws, baby,
Speaker 3: I would like to hear why.
Speaker 6: Husband, you agreed to the zoom call before we start
Speaker 6: breaking down.
Speaker 7: So basically agreed to this because one she she had
Speaker 7: me do this because, yeah, I have bad communication skills
Speaker 7: most of the time, especially with my emotions.
Speaker 8: It's one of the reasons she wanted us to do this.
Speaker 5: She asked why you agreed to do it?
Speaker 8: Because I agreed for you and because I had that communication.
Speaker 4: So just because of the weird cutout, he said that
Speaker 4: he wanted to do this because he's not good with
Speaker 4: communication and because she asked him too, and he wanted to.
Speaker 2: Be there for her. It's a great answer.
Speaker 6: Yeah, Okay, I'm hung up on this. I can't move pastes.
Speaker 6: And I'm not laughing because of the situation. I'm laughing
Speaker 6: because of how my brain works. Hobby started answering, and
Speaker 6: when we came back, you said specifically she had me
Speaker 6: do this the call whatever it was going to lead into.
Speaker 6: And then you followed up with you agree that you
Speaker 6: have poor communication and the emotional aspect of things. And
Speaker 6: then Addie jumped in and you corrected the way that
Speaker 6: he was answering by re asking my question in a
Speaker 6: slightly aggressive tone. I'm not saying that you did that
Speaker 6: on purpose. I also, I don't know you, so that
Speaker 6: could have just been you as a person, and ask
Speaker 6: how I'm reading it with our first interaction, But I
Speaker 6: am going to ask did it not sit right with you?
Speaker 6: The way that your husband was answering that question, I.
Speaker 5: Just felt like maybe he didn't maybe because me and
Speaker 5: him are both like very adhd. I'm also autistic, just
Speaker 5: for a little bit of background, but we tend to
Speaker 5: like our short term memory is terrible. So I was like, Okay,
Speaker 5: maybe he didn't remember the exact question, So like, let
Speaker 5: me make sure that he knows, because I don't know.
Speaker 5: I guess in my brain you can't. You can agree
Speaker 5: to do something for somebody else, but the way that
Speaker 5: Chris asked the question, that's not the way I interpreted it,
Speaker 5: I guess. So I was like, let me make sure
Speaker 5: that he knows like he remembered the question.
Speaker 6: But yeah, okay, there was no right or wrong answer
Speaker 6: to that. Just wanted to see where you were at
Speaker 6: in that. So now let me ask, Hobby, is that
Speaker 6: how that felt came across to you? Because in your response,
Speaker 6: it felt like you doubled down a little bit on.
Speaker 3: On what you said.
Speaker 6: So did you feel a little bit defensive, did you
Speaker 6: feel like you're being corrected or was there an understanding
Speaker 6: of that was what was coming across.
Speaker 8: No, technically, that's just her voice. It seems suggressive sometimes, but.
Speaker 7: Sometimes she doesn't let me finish completely completing my sentence.
Speaker 8: So that's why she interrupted by exiting.
Speaker 6: Okay, I want to revisit that, but I want to
Speaker 6: continue into the conversations of what Addie had brought up
Speaker 6: and see if see if this is a pattern or
Speaker 6: because you said that she can interrupt, not saying that
Speaker 6: that's a bad thing.
Speaker 5: Yeah, my mind is just very short circuited. So especially
Speaker 5: like when we're having a conversation, I would say and
Speaker 5: like she said something that sparked something in me, and
Speaker 5: then my ADHD kind of goes off on a rabbit
Speaker 5: hole trail for a minute, so he has to bring
Speaker 5: me back to what we were talking about. Or sometimes
Speaker 5: he'll forget to you know, that kind of thing. But
Speaker 5: it's not meant like in either like a disrespect or
Speaker 5: I don't think he knows what he's talking about. It's
Speaker 5: just something sparks in my brain that if I don't
Speaker 5: tell you, I'm gonna lose it. And it happens a lot.
Speaker 5: I'll lose what I was gonna say.
Speaker 2: Are you waiting on me to speak?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I feel like you got something to said.
Speaker 4: Well, I mean I have a lot to say. My
Speaker 4: two big things though, is that the cutting somebody off,
Speaker 4: even if it's not a malicious way, You're training your
Speaker 4: person to stop speaking when you start talking, and they
Speaker 4: will get to a point where they're going to find
Speaker 4: the inability to speak to you because every time they're
Speaker 4: wanting to say something, they get cut off. And it's
Speaker 4: a psychologic or a subconscious training. It's something that you're
Speaker 4: aware that you do, which means you need to work
Speaker 4: on it. And the other thing was the the correction.
Speaker 4: The Yattman Institute says that correcting your partner on small things,
Speaker 4: on anything, really doing the correction. If somebody's telling a
Speaker 4: story and like twelve years ago and you're like it's thirteen,
Speaker 4: like that shit does not help the story at all.
Speaker 4: That minute detail doesn't matter, But you correcting your person
Speaker 4: like that becomes an embarrassing thing to them. And the
Speaker 4: Gotman Institute says that that's one of those things that
Speaker 4: is a marker when they are looking for couples to
Speaker 4: whether they're going to make it or not. So like
Speaker 4: correcting your person is a huge no, you know, especially
Speaker 4: in like public settings. If you need to have a
Speaker 4: discussion afterwards about things, you can do that. But I'm
Speaker 4: not sure if we've talked about that a whole lot
Speaker 4: on the podcast. So I wanted to excuse me. I
Speaker 4: just wanted to put that out there so that it
Speaker 4: was known. All right, those are my two big things.
Speaker 4: I figured you got a shit ton of notes already, so.
Speaker 3: Uh no, this is just for me keeping track.
Speaker 6: I retain better not only when I hear it, when
Speaker 6: when I write it down. That's how I process the
Speaker 6: important facts to me, and I filter. I agree with
Speaker 6: those both points. Both of those points I don't want.
Speaker 6: I don't want anybody to feel bad about that, right
Speaker 6: Addie for you interrupting, like, don't feel like you are
Speaker 6: a bad person or fill in the blank with the
Speaker 6: negative thing. These are the small, minute things I get
Speaker 6: overlooked often in a relationship, and these are the small
Speaker 6: things that will lead people to I don't understand how
Speaker 6: this became a big fight, right right, because it's those small,
Speaker 6: subconscious frustrations that chip away at the foundation. Gentle perspective,
Speaker 6: gentle correction.
Speaker 4: Yes, there's a whole lot of things that have to
Speaker 4: happen in doing these things. It's like the karate kid,
Speaker 4: the wax on wax off thing where he's sand index
Speaker 4: and painting houses and all that shit is to teach
Speaker 4: you how to end the moment, react or respond accordingly
Speaker 4: to situations. So when we give you these minor corrections
Speaker 4: of the way that you talk to each other, this
Speaker 4: is so that when you have big things, the work
Speaker 4: has already been done and it makes it very easy
Speaker 4: to do the thing. I just heard it click, the yes,
Speaker 4: it builds the foundation. I heard a click. I thought
Speaker 4: we lost everything again. They're still there though.
Speaker 6: Okay, so let's jump into so you said mainly me, Addie.
Speaker 6: When we asked what why are we here? What's the
Speaker 6: purpose of the call? You said mainly me? And then
Speaker 6: you went into struggles with the boundaries and then how
Speaker 6: he does not how you feel? Right, I'm not going
Speaker 6: to say that he doesn't what it's not a fact
Speaker 6: you feel that he does not stand up for you
Speaker 6: in regards the mom who oversteps boundaries? Why do you
Speaker 6: feel like that's a you thing? First, let's start there.
Speaker 5: So we have been together a little over four years.
Speaker 5: We got married two years ago. Now, in that whole
Speaker 5: span of our relationship. His side of the family has
Speaker 5: a lot of Type too diabetics, whereas I am a
Speaker 5: genetic Type one diabetic, meaning I don't produce any insulin
Speaker 5: at all. Whereas Type twos, it's normally based on their lifestyle.
Speaker 5: They can take a pill to you know, activate more
Speaker 5: insulin production, things like that, But the way that you
Speaker 5: care for these two diseases are very, very different, and
Speaker 5: in my case, my diabetes is intertwined with all of
Speaker 5: my other health issues. So since I've been with him,
Speaker 5: since we've been together, she always makes these sni sidemark
Speaker 5: comments about how about what I should be eating, how
Speaker 5: my body looks, what I'm wearing, how I'm acting, what
Speaker 5: I'm doing, I'm not doing enough in our household. I'm
Speaker 5: I'm not being a good wife she's given me. She's
Speaker 5: about our financial things, all all just little things that
Speaker 5: you would think a wife needs to take care of.
Speaker 5: Those things are what she specifically attacks on top of
Speaker 5: my health, which she does not see behind closed doors,
Speaker 5: and those comments. Growing up in the trouble home that
Speaker 5: I did, my mom made those comments my whole life,
Speaker 5: even though she was there from the day I was
Speaker 5: diagnosed and heard from the doctors. There was nothing we
Speaker 5: could have done to prevent this disease because my older
Speaker 5: brother has it as well.
Speaker 4: Okay, we have to pause because there's so much going
Speaker 4: on here that needs to be addressed, and if we
Speaker 4: don't work as we go, we're gonna get in misship.
Speaker 5: Yes, I got you.
Speaker 2: Are you ready? Yepkay? Go ahead.
Speaker 3: So I first want to touch on Hovey.
Speaker 6: What is your perspective? Let's just start with the mom
Speaker 6: saying Snyder about your wife's chronic illnesses. Do do you
Speaker 6: have the same perspective that she makes snydermarks and she
Speaker 6: oversteps and verbally attacks your wife's existence.
Speaker 7: So she does, and you know I do tell her
Speaker 7: when my wife's not around because I don't want her
Speaker 7: to see that side of me.
Speaker 8: Wow.
Speaker 7: Yeah, she does back down a bit once in a while,
Speaker 7: but she tends to she's just like her mother, which
Speaker 7: well my grandmother, which they tend to bring it up again,
Speaker 7: and it's a pet peeve that she has, and I
Speaker 7: keep telling her that that's like a big issue with
Speaker 7: her as well.
Speaker 3: What do you mean a pet peeve?
Speaker 7: Like my mother and my grandma When they start something,
Speaker 7: if you tell them to, they'll stop from that time,
Speaker 7: but like after a while they'll bring it up again,
Speaker 7: like if they didn't have the conversation. It's one of
Speaker 7: my pet peeves that okay.
Speaker 8: And mainly most of the family when it comes to that.
Speaker 6: So I want to pause there because this is very
Speaker 6: very important to me. You calling what they're doing a
Speaker 6: pet peeve is diminishing the way that they are disrespecting
Speaker 6: the relationship. And there's a relationship just being beyond blood relatives.
Speaker 6: There's a level of respect in handling things. If you
Speaker 6: go to somebody and say you are disrespecting my wife
Speaker 6: and this is not okay, and they stop it for
Speaker 6: a week or two, and then they pick it back up.
Speaker 6: They heard what you said, and they don't care that
Speaker 6: it bothers you because they reverted back to that behavior.
Speaker 3: Don't don't call that a pet peeve, because, like I said.
Speaker 6: I believe that that's diminishing the irrosive behavior of what
Speaker 6: they're doing. I think it's grander than a pet peeve.
Speaker 4: So she said a couple of things that really stood
Speaker 4: out to me. One, there's a whole lot of things
Speaker 4: you have me to take that off you so you
Speaker 4: need Oh yeah, there's a whole lot of things in
Speaker 4: that line of statements that should not be a thing
Speaker 4: to begin with. There's no reason that your in law
Speaker 4: should know what's going on in your financial situation. There's
Speaker 4: no reason that they should know the intimate details of
Speaker 4: your marriage. There's a whole lot of.
Speaker 2: Things. There's a been meshment.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's a whole lot of things that you need
Speaker 4: to maintain as like sacred in your marriage. And then
Speaker 4: you even said something along the lines of the finances
Speaker 4: are something that the woman is supposed to deal with.
Speaker 4: I actually disagree with that across the board. I think
Speaker 4: finances are a man's job. Statistics show that we spend
Speaker 4: money differently when we are in charge of the finances.
Speaker 4: We are less likely to spend on ourselves and more
Speaker 4: likely to spend on our women. And there's a whole
Speaker 4: lot of quality of life things that change because we
Speaker 4: get better raises. We tend to look for better paying
Speaker 4: jobs because we know where the money is. And as
Speaker 4: like traditional marriage, it's very important that a man is
Speaker 4: very hands on with the finances. Back to the other things, though,
Speaker 4: the intimate details of your relationship should be your relationship.
Speaker 4: If there are problems happening in your household, and Hobby
Speaker 4: runs to mom or grandma and goes and explains what's
Speaker 4: happening to them, and he's trying to get feedback, and
Speaker 4: he's got good intention there. They now have something to
Speaker 4: gossip about between the two of them when he's not
Speaker 4: on the phone, and aunts and cousins and everybody else
Speaker 4: gets to know about what's going on in y'all's marriage,
Speaker 4: and what is a sacred space in your home is
Speaker 4: now a discussion piece for everybody else's gossip. It then
Speaker 4: gets thrown back in face later and it changes the
Speaker 4: way that people look at you, and it creates what
Speaker 4: we call a negativity bias from the people that are
Speaker 4: in your lives looking into your marriage, and that should
Speaker 4: never be the case. If you guys are having issues,
Speaker 4: there are better ways to get information, and it needs
Speaker 4: to be from somebody that doesn't have any skin in
Speaker 4: the game whatsoever when it comes to your life. So
Speaker 4: that was my big takeaways from what was said there.
Speaker 3: I just want to touch on one more thing that
Speaker 3: Hobby said.
Speaker 6: You said that you will correct your mom when your
Speaker 6: woman's not present, So there is a level and I
Speaker 6: totally get it that you don't want your woman to
Speaker 6: see you like that. But there is a level that
Speaker 6: she has to see that my man's willing to step
Speaker 6: up for me no matter what. So you doing this
Speaker 6: behind closed doors?
Speaker 3: Real shit.
Speaker 6: If I were in these shoes of your woman and
Speaker 6: you're telling me that you're having conversations with your mom
Speaker 6: and then her behavior is not changing, you're.
Speaker 2: Lying to me, That's how I would view that too,
Speaker 2: all right.
Speaker 6: And I'm not saying that you're lying, but that's how
Speaker 6: it would feel. Because I'm not present, I can only
Speaker 6: do based off of what you're telling me, and there's
Speaker 6: no change in action.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's also a whole lot of primal shit that
Speaker 4: happens when you defend your woman against people, regardless of
Speaker 4: who they are, and so like there's a lot of
Speaker 4: like they fucking got me, especially when there's loved ones involved,
Speaker 4: and like it shows that you are putting the marriage
Speaker 4: above everything else. So in that situation, if you were
Speaker 4: to correct the behavior in the moment, like, Hey, that's
Speaker 4: my wife, You're not going to do that. I don't
Speaker 4: appreciate you talking to her like that. If it continues.
Speaker 4: We're leaving. When you guys get in the car, the
Speaker 4: ride home is going to be incredible. Yes, right, there's
Speaker 4: going to be a whole lot of new connection established
Speaker 4: because you just did the fucking thing. As the man
Speaker 4: of the relationship, there's a lot of protect, provide, and
Speaker 4: lead in those moments.
Speaker 6: So and confrontation or correction doesn't have to be aggressive.
Speaker 6: It doesn't have to be this thing where I don't
Speaker 6: want my woman to see me like that. That tells
Speaker 6: me that there's heightened emotion. It could be anger, it
Speaker 6: could be frustration, it could be yelling, it could be fear, fear, name.
Speaker 3: Calling, whatever the case may be.
Speaker 6: This conversation with your mom is a very calm and
Speaker 6: simple one. You're not going to talk about or speak
Speaker 6: to my woman like this. And this is one of
Speaker 6: those situations where you are going to be presented with
Speaker 6: very hard decisions because you can't make your mom or
Speaker 6: your grandmother.
Speaker 3: Do anything, do anything.
Speaker 6: So if they continue to chip away at your marriage
Speaker 6: and continue to chip away at your wife, going to
Speaker 6: have to decide what am I willing to do to
Speaker 6: protect my wife and my marriage. And that may look
Speaker 6: like distancing or limiting. And like I said, that doesn't
Speaker 6: have to be crazy aggressive. I'm done with this And
Speaker 6: unless you decide that you want to treat my wife
Speaker 6: with respect, we don't have to have communication for six
Speaker 6: months or three months or whatever whatever.
Speaker 3: The that looks like, I.
Speaker 4: Am going to turn our video off on Zoom guys,
Speaker 4: because I'm getting notifications from YouTube saying that they're it's
Speaker 4: killing our band with having lives running on two different things. Okay,
Speaker 4: so the video is off cast still going you guys
Speaker 4: just can't see us now. So now we're on the
Speaker 4: phone together. Would you got anything else on that?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 5: Okay, got it? That means I got to join your YouTube.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean it's behind so you just watch it
Speaker 4: without the audio so that you can see our facial
Speaker 4: expressions or whatever. I understand from a family to new
Speaker 4: family perspective, not wanting to create waves and like real shit.
Speaker 4: If he has a good relationship Pavi, if you've got
Speaker 4: a good relationship with your grandparents and your mind, the
Speaker 4: last thing that you want to do is to create
Speaker 4: any type of real waves and be nasty to them
Speaker 4: because you love your family members. So again, like Peter said,
Speaker 4: this isn't a matter of being aggressive and being like
Speaker 4: fuck you, blah blah blah. This is a matter of
Speaker 4: being like, hey, we exchanged vowels. This is my wife
Speaker 4: now and I plan on spending the rest of my
Speaker 4: life with her, and I wouldn't allow anyone else to
Speaker 4: talk to her like this. And I love you Mom,
Speaker 4: I love you Grandma, But like you, guys can't can't
Speaker 4: talk to her like that. And if this is going
Speaker 4: to continue, it's going to disrupt the relationship that all
Speaker 4: of us have and I don't want that. I need
Speaker 4: you guys to respect my marriage, respect my wife, and
Speaker 4: doing so, you're respecting me, and do its in it
Speaker 4: as a diplomatic way as possible so that it's not
Speaker 4: coming across aggressive. But you also have to be prepared
Speaker 4: for them to take that in a negative way, because
Speaker 4: nobody wants to be told that they're doing something wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, anything else, I am ready to continue.
Speaker 6: I'm ready to continue. We said a whole lot, So
Speaker 6: you guys feel free to get into anything next that
Speaker 6: you would like to get into.
Speaker 8: Yep.
Speaker 5: In terms of like our like who works with our finances,
Speaker 5: it's because my right now, my physical capacity is very
Speaker 5: low with my health issues, and my husband, I'm gonna
Speaker 5: be honest, money is not his thing. All the logins
Speaker 5: we have for our bills. That's just that's not his
Speaker 5: deal now. He makes all of it. He provides for
Speaker 5: us completely, and thankfully I can take the time away
Speaker 5: from working if I choose to, but I really lately
Speaker 5: I feel like I struggle with feeling like I'm not
Speaker 5: showing my appreciation enough because I can't physically clean up
Speaker 5: a mess or do the dishes right now, and I
Speaker 5: just I'm not sure how else to show my appreciation.
Speaker 5: And I know, as our provider and protector and everything
Speaker 5: and the lead in our relationship, that it's his job
Speaker 5: to provide and protect and everything, and he always wants
Speaker 5: to treat me better than himself. But it makes me
Speaker 5: feel like I'm not doing my part because I physically
Speaker 5: can't right now.
Speaker 4: Okay, So I pausive again because there's two different aspects
Speaker 4: to this, the first one being the finance, is the
Speaker 4: second one being the change in health and the way
Speaker 4: that things are being taken care of. If you're better
Speaker 4: at taking care of the finances, there are people in
Speaker 4: relationships that don't want to deal with the money at all.
Speaker 2: And I get it.
Speaker 4: It doesn't change what I said about the way that
Speaker 4: money is spent. So if you were dealing with the finances.
Speaker 4: You need to be doing check ins two to four
Speaker 4: times a week about where things are financially. Hey, I
Speaker 4: paid this bill, there's x amount in the account. Hey,
Speaker 4: I just put this into our saving Now there's this
Speaker 4: amount in the account. And the check ins don't have
Speaker 4: to be very long. Your credit card has one thousand
Speaker 4: dollars available on it, it's at forty percent charge. Don't
Speaker 4: use it until I pay another payment. There needs to
Speaker 4: be a constant communication happening with finances, real shit. I
Speaker 4: truly believe that every single relationship that ends up in
Speaker 4: divorce has finances within the top three, if not the
Speaker 4: number one spot, every single time, even if there's infidelity.
Speaker 4: I believe that the stress starts with finances and it
Speaker 4: makes everything else fucked up. So there's no reason that
Speaker 4: that finances aren't a daily or every other day conversation.
Speaker 4: We talk about it multiple times a day, every time
Speaker 4: something comes up, anytime there's money going out, if a
Speaker 4: credit card gets paid, I don't just take care of
Speaker 4: the money. She knows that the shit's taken care of,
Speaker 4: but I tell her what's going on, what's coming in,
Speaker 4: what's going out, so that she's in the know of everything.
Speaker 4: She has nothing to do with our finances. She's like, hey,
Speaker 4: I want to buy this thing is their money, And
Speaker 4: I'm like, go do your thing, babe, because that's I
Speaker 4: don't even know. That's what I do with the finance.
Speaker 4: I don't think that you even listen to me most
Speaker 4: of the time, but I do. Well, I'm to a
Speaker 4: degree that if you did, you wouldn't have to ask me.
Speaker 3: Most of the time. I don't. Yeah, if it's over
Speaker 3: three hundred bucks, but.
Speaker 2: That's good, that's fair. I appreciate that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know what, I realized, it's three hundred
Speaker 3: bucks in one blow.
Speaker 6: Like I'm cool with spending fifteen bucks here and there,
Speaker 6: and then adds up to three hundred bucks and I
Speaker 6: don't say anything.
Speaker 4: Yeah, what were you saying, Hobby? Well, oh, okay, I
Speaker 4: thought you were cutting out or you were cutting out.
Speaker 4: I thought you were saying something.
Speaker 8: No, it's because uh.
Speaker 5: I was in the first YouTube one where like the
Speaker 5: call got jacked up and you had to redo the thingy,
Speaker 5: so I wasn't in the correct one. And he's looking
Speaker 5: at my screen frozen, like, hey, m I want to
Speaker 5: check the discord because that's not the right video.
Speaker 2: Gotcha, gotcha? Okay.
Speaker 4: So the other thing was do you have anything on
Speaker 4: the first part of that, on the finances, I do not, Okay.
Speaker 4: The other thing was the health and the feeling like
Speaker 4: you're not doing enough and him taking care of you
Speaker 4: more than himself. That's what I was talking about with
Speaker 4: the finances. When we know what's going on, we're more
Speaker 4: likely to send you to retreats. You're more likely to
Speaker 4: get your hair done, your nails done, the new thing
Speaker 4: that you want, getting your car detailed, whatever, whatever, whatever,
Speaker 4: because we want to make sure that you have a
Speaker 4: life of abundance. That also makes us work harder, It
Speaker 4: makes us earn more over the cost of the course
Speaker 4: of a life, and it inspires us to continue to
Speaker 4: find better pain jobs. You can go on the other
Speaker 4: aspects of that with the the thing.
Speaker 6: Okay, So I wanted to touch on you said that
Speaker 6: you are struggling because you can't do the dishes or
Speaker 6: you can't clamp a pile of a mess, and that
Speaker 6: is what you ac create a credit, a credit your
Speaker 6: appreciation to being shown as so if I am hearing
Speaker 6: you properly and you can correct me if I'm wrong,
Speaker 6: it sounds like your love language to show that you
Speaker 6: love him as acts of service.
Speaker 3: And girl, you got to listen to your body.
Speaker 5: Or gifts as well. And I feel like he doesn't
Speaker 5: receive gifts well because he keeps telling me no, he
Speaker 5: doesn't want anything and to just get what I need.
Speaker 5: And I feel very frustrated with that. But I'm still
Speaker 5: learning about love languages and like giving and receiving of
Speaker 5: love languages. I'm still new to that and it's something
Speaker 5: I severely struggle with because of my autism. I have
Speaker 5: to start. I'm still learning to recognize what they are
Speaker 5: and how to do that.
Speaker 4: Your autism has nothing to do with you learning the
Speaker 4: love languages. There's five of them, and they're super easy
Speaker 4: to understand. You guys can sit down do the love
Speaker 4: language quiz in fifteen minutes and understand all of that
Speaker 4: very very easy. That's a super super simple thing. It's
Speaker 4: just dedicating the fifteen to thirty minutes to do it.
Speaker 4: You can't expect somebody to live your love language. You're
Speaker 4: giving gifts in the ways that you do love languages,
Speaker 4: and the way that you show love may not be
Speaker 4: how they receive it. Like if peaches, I give gifts
Speaker 4: I'm a gift giver, but I don't want to receive it.
Speaker 4: I don't want anything like that. It makes me uncomfortable
Speaker 4: when people give me things. So if she owns tried
Speaker 4: to shower me with gifts, I would feel neglected in
Speaker 4: the other aspects of my life that I need to
Speaker 4: fill my cup. So you guys do need to do
Speaker 4: the love languages. I used to think that shit was
Speaker 4: pop psychology. It's fucking real. Yeah, you know, we all
Speaker 4: need specific things in our life to make sure that
Speaker 4: we are seen and heard and validated and important. And
Speaker 4: a lot of men don't have gift giving or receiving
Speaker 4: as a love language. It's low on the total poll
Speaker 4: for us. It's words of affirmation and physical touch almost
Speaker 4: across the board.
Speaker 6: So I just wanted to present a different perspective to
Speaker 6: that this is just a possibility, right, So there's a
Speaker 6: shadow to everything in life once the light hits it.
Speaker 6: And is it possible that the shadow of you showing
Speaker 6: your appreciation through acts of service is that you have
Speaker 6: your self worth tied to the labor that you can provide,
Speaker 6: versus trying to show him appreciation through being able to
Speaker 6: maintain the household or fill in the blank of that.
Speaker 6: And you don't have to answer that right now. If
Speaker 6: you would like, that could be like a journal question
Speaker 6: for yourself later.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's definitely a journal problemamb.
Speaker 5: Honestly, it already kind of hit me.
Speaker 2: I feel like my situation that hit me.
Speaker 5: My work has always been connected to what I can
Speaker 5: provide other people due to the way that I was raised.
Speaker 5: It is, and it's something I'm still trying to relearn
Speaker 5: that that's not always curate.
Speaker 3: Did you cut out? Are you done with your sentence?
Speaker 8: No?
Speaker 5: That was the my said sentence is that it's not
Speaker 5: always accurate, Like just because you can't do hard labor
Speaker 5: or do a service of some sort shouldn't necessarily determine
Speaker 5: your worth. And that's something I'm still having to reteach reself.
Speaker 3: All right, So let me help you with that reteaching.
Speaker 6: You said that you have always been this way with
Speaker 6: your chronic illnesses, and I will put I don't know.
Speaker 6: I don't have bricks of gold, but if I did,
Speaker 6: I would put my bricks of gold on the fact
Speaker 6: that Hobby did not marry you because you have been
Speaker 6: an athlete, marathon, house taker, care over or fill in
Speaker 6: the blink, right you. You provide happiness and joy for
Speaker 6: him in other ways. That is not the quote unquote
Speaker 6: common womanly duties of maintaining the household or cooking every
Speaker 6: single day. Or I don't think you guys have children.
Speaker 6: I feel like you would have said that by now.
Speaker 6: But if you did, like running the appointments and making
Speaker 6: phone calls.
Speaker 5: We've been struggling with fertility for a little over two
Speaker 5: years now, but it's definitely something we are trying for.
Speaker 5: But no, we have not had children yet. We just
Speaker 5: have three for.
Speaker 4: Carrently, Okay, I want to ask you, since you you
Speaker 4: have chronic illness, what are you doing in the downtime
Speaker 4: when you are struggling? Are you sleeping? Are you laying
Speaker 4: down and not doing anything? Are you doom scrolling? Are
Speaker 4: you watching TV? As somebody like? Because I blew out
Speaker 4: two of the discs in my back and fucked myself
Speaker 4: up pretty bad a couple years ago, and I still
Speaker 4: managed to do a whole lot of life stuff instead
Speaker 4: of allowing it to knock me completely out of the game.
Speaker 4: I've had other medical issues that has has fucked me
Speaker 4: up pretty bad, but I'm not chronically ill or terminally ill.
Speaker 4: There's a difference in those things. But I use my
Speaker 4: downtime in ways that's going to benefit my life. And
Speaker 4: if you know that these things are an issue for
Speaker 4: you and you're not trying to find ways to improve,
Speaker 4: and you're just accepting that this is what is, you're
Speaker 4: choosing that life. And I'm not saying you're choosing the
Speaker 4: chronic illness. I have to be very clear about that.
Speaker 4: I'm saying that you're choosing to doom scroll instead of
Speaker 4: doing things that's going to make your mind better or
Speaker 4: find ways to understand love languages. Right, if you spent
Speaker 4: six hours doom scrolling because you were sick, you could
Speaker 4: have read a thirty minute article on the love languages
Speaker 4: and taking the quiz or taking a personality test or
Speaker 4: started learning, you know, how to make money online doing
Speaker 4: very little work or whatever whatever, whatever, Like, there's always
Speaker 4: time in your day that you can be utilizing differently
Speaker 4: to increase your overall standing in life.
Speaker 2: Just something to ponder.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I yeah, in my like when i'm I call
Speaker 5: them flare ups, but I have especially currently it. So
Speaker 5: we're in Texas and of course summer is a very hot.
Speaker 5: This whole week has been over one hundred and ten
Speaker 5: degrees like the full week, and it's been causing seizures
Speaker 5: for the last almost month now. In my downtime in
Speaker 5: between seizures, when I'm actually you know, out of it,
Speaker 5: I tend to focus on doing things that help me
Speaker 5: bring back my motor skills a little faster, because my
Speaker 5: seizures really affect that. I've been reading books on like
Speaker 5: any like certain sort of things I can do to
Speaker 5: help lesson seizures, natural medications, things like that. I've read
Speaker 5: a few articles on love languages, but I just I
Speaker 5: still don't understand them, Like I just don't. I'm so
Speaker 5: I don't know how to explain it, but they just
Speaker 5: don't quite make that much sense to me.
Speaker 4: We we have an entire playlist. We broke those down
Speaker 4: really well, so you can just watch them. It'll make
Speaker 4: it easier. If it's one hundred and ten degrees outside,
Speaker 4: why in the fuck are you going outside?
Speaker 2: Ever?
Speaker 5: We're I'm currently in the pasmetology school. But yeah, with
Speaker 5: that heat during the highest points of the day, which
Speaker 5: is like almost ten hours here, I'm pretty much can't
Speaker 5: do anything. Can't drive, can't really walk too far. I
Speaker 5: have to like lean against our wall and Thankfully, my
Speaker 5: husband works night shifts so he's not out in the
Speaker 5: very heat of the day for the most part, but that,
Speaker 5: along with my diabetes, has been causing a lot of
Speaker 5: issues health wise, so it's been the balancing act there
Speaker 5: has been really hard, especially with when I was having
Speaker 5: back to back seizures. I was losing time because they
Speaker 5: were so close together. But thankfully, my husband's always been
Speaker 5: great with my health issues, so he keeps me very grounded.
Speaker 5: But it's definitely something I'm still working on and I
Speaker 5: try to be better, but it's it's a little hard
Speaker 5: to manage trying to do something productive in those moments
Speaker 5: depending on what's going on.
Speaker 6: So I'm going to ask the first thing that comes
Speaker 6: to my mind, and that is, do you feel like
Speaker 6: you have unreal, unreal, realistic expectations of you.
Speaker 3: And and the body that you live in?
Speaker 6: Right? And I ask that because I don't. I have
Speaker 6: my own issues right, not to the extent that you do.
Speaker 6: And I know that I put too much on me
Speaker 6: and I have to take a step back and be like, Okay,
Speaker 6: it's okay that I can't do this. My body is limited,
Speaker 6: and I have to accept that I'm gonna leave it
Speaker 6: at that. Now, I'm gonna let you answer.
Speaker 5: Chris, did you want to say something before I answered her?
Speaker 5: Or do you want me to answer first?
Speaker 4: No, because I think the things that I'm gonna say
Speaker 4: is gonna it's not gonna go over well with the internet.
Speaker 4: So I'm gonna wait until you answer, and then if
Speaker 4: I feel like I need to say it I want
Speaker 4: to say, I'll say it. Otherwise I'm just gonna stay silent.
Speaker 5: Well, I always appreciate your honesty and your podcast, so
Speaker 5: I'm gonna start with that. But I definitely need to
Speaker 5: hold myself to higher expectations. I feel like, mainly because
Speaker 5: between his mother and my mother, they have put these
Speaker 5: crazy expectations on me that I should be doing all
Speaker 5: these things that I currently cannot do. And I'm in
Speaker 5: the process of like rewiring my brain to remember that
Speaker 5: their words do not have to be the way that
Speaker 5: I hold myself. I don't have to have to live
Speaker 5: up to that expectation because it's not accurate anymore because
Speaker 5: I'm not necessarily with his mom, but my mom, I've
Speaker 5: grown and changed so much since I was living in
Speaker 5: her house at sixteen.
Speaker 4: How old are you guys? You've been together for four years.
Speaker 4: You were living at sixteen. I'm guessing you guys are
Speaker 4: twenty twenty.
Speaker 5: One, A little off. I'm twenty eight and he is thirty.
Speaker 2: So wait a minute.
Speaker 4: You were living at his parents when you were sixteen
Speaker 4: years old, and you guys have only been together for
Speaker 4: four I.
Speaker 5: Was living with my mom at sixteen.
Speaker 4: Oh okay, I miss I missed a lot since I
Speaker 4: lived with gotcha, Okay, I misunderstood. I thought it was
Speaker 4: his mom. I was like, wait a minute, how on
Speaker 4: the fuck?
Speaker 5: Yeah, sorry, that was kind of my bad.
Speaker 4: Okay, I am gonna say what I was gonna say.
Speaker 4: This is not an insult to people.
Speaker 8: Guys.
Speaker 4: You have to learn to adapt and overcome. I know
Speaker 4: people who are paraplegics nothing from the neck down, like
Speaker 4: they got to blow into a straw to get around,
Speaker 4: and they found ways to still enjoy their life. I
Speaker 4: understand that you've got medical conditions and all of those things.
Speaker 4: You have to learn to like adapt your life to
Speaker 4: your situation and not try to live to the expectations
Speaker 4: of others. It would be very unrealistic for me to
Speaker 4: contact my boy Rob and be like, bro, I know
Speaker 4: you're in a wheelchair, but I expect you to run
Speaker 4: a marathon.
Speaker 2: Let's go right, it's not even that's not even a thing.
Speaker 4: But I also don't expect him to sit around and
Speaker 4: feel sorry for himself either. So, like if I reached
Speaker 4: out to him and I'm like, how are you doing
Speaker 4: today and he's like, oh, you know, I'm fucking depressed,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna be like, well, what have you done to
Speaker 4: do something about that? I'm not going to just accept
Speaker 4: that you're feeling sorry for yourself. And I'm not saying
Speaker 4: that that's what's going on with you. I'm just using
Speaker 4: that as a very broad example. If you've got something
Speaker 4: going on in your life that creates problems, no body's
Speaker 4: coming to save you. You are on your own to learn
Speaker 4: to work around and make these things work. And you know,
Speaker 4: I still stand by what I said earlier with the
Speaker 4: doing things in your downtime to increase the standing of
Speaker 4: your life. If you're going to cosmetic school and you're
Speaker 4: or a cosmetology I don't know if you're going for
Speaker 4: hair and makeup or nails or d All of the
Speaker 4: above is okay, but how how realistic is this going
Speaker 4: to be for a career for you? If you are
Speaker 4: having a hard time doing dishes. Data entry would be
Speaker 4: a much better job. Like, there's other options out there
Speaker 4: for you. It's just the point that I was trying
Speaker 4: to make is that you know, you have to be
Speaker 4: realistic with your life and you have to be trying
Speaker 4: to make things work with what you've got going on
Speaker 4: versus you know, getting a pointless degree or and I'm
Speaker 4: not saying it's just pointless. Real shit, you can get
Speaker 4: that degree in open fucking business and have people working
Speaker 4: for you and make money. But I just don't want
Speaker 4: you to.
Speaker 2: I don't know. Time is short and wasting. It doesn't
Speaker 2: make sense to me.
Speaker 4: You have to, like I said, you have to build
Speaker 4: the life around what you're capable of doing. And there's
Speaker 4: a whole lot of learning new aspects to be able
Speaker 4: to do that.
Speaker 5: So, yeah, I get you. I have a business plan.
Speaker 5: That's the whole reason I entered cosmatology school is so
Speaker 5: that I can help other disabled people who can't go
Speaker 5: to like standard salons. That was the whole plan behind it.
Speaker 5: But we'll see if I'm still at that place in
Speaker 5: a year.
Speaker 4: Okay, have you this is I'm not going to get
Speaker 4: into business with you I'm literally just going to ask
Speaker 4: you this and then I want to move away completely
Speaker 4: from business. Have you looked at the demographic of people
Speaker 4: in your area that that would actually cater to, Because
Speaker 4: if you have a business model that only reaches zero
Speaker 4: point two five percent of the population of your town,
Speaker 4: that's not a business model, it's charity. You will never
Speaker 4: make a living or even be able to provide for yourself,
Speaker 4: let alone even by your supplies with such a small
Speaker 4: demographic of people. And it's just something to think about.
Speaker 4: You don't need to answer the question. This is just
Speaker 4: for anybody that's trying to start a business plan. If
Speaker 4: you have not looked into the key demographics of your
Speaker 4: business and what you're trying to do for your area,
Speaker 4: you are already starting at a negative and and and
Speaker 4: you were likely to fail because of it. So you
Speaker 4: need to look into your key demographics so your customers
Speaker 4: customers are going to be and then try to figure
Speaker 4: out how you're going to make that work if you
Speaker 4: go that route. If you want to talk business shit,
Speaker 4: you can tag me in the discord anytime and I'll
Speaker 4: answer the questions.
Speaker 2: This is not what this is for.
Speaker 5: I just I appreciate it.
Speaker 3: Going back to the.
Speaker 6: Conversation about mother grandmother boundaries them over bleeding into your
Speaker 6: guys's life. Right, So we've talked about it's an issue
Speaker 6: to have other people in your relationship that are not
Speaker 6: in your relationship. Addie, what what are your wants or
Speaker 6: your expectations with how your husband conducts himself or sets
Speaker 6: boundaries going forward?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 3: What what is going to put this to rest inside
Speaker 3: of you?
Speaker 2: You mean with his family, right?
Speaker 5: Yeah, with the family that he stops letting them disrespect
Speaker 5: me when they speak about the way my the way
Speaker 5: I am, I choose to express myself as well as
Speaker 5: my health issues.
Speaker 4: Okay, wait, I'm sorry this is now we're having a
Speaker 4: different conversation than what we had a minute ago. You
Speaker 4: expressing yourself and your health issues are two different things.
Speaker 2: What was so?
Speaker 5: I mean expressing myself? I mean by like the way
Speaker 5: I dress, because they're always commenting about how I look,
Speaker 5: the way my body is things I can't well, I
Speaker 5: can control the way I look, obviously, but not like
Speaker 5: I can't control the way my body was built. Okay,
Speaker 5: kind of seeing as well as my health, those are
Speaker 5: my main two things that those are topics that are
Speaker 5: not their business, and I don't feel they should speak
Speaker 5: disrespectfully me to me about those things in any case.
Speaker 2: Okay, thank you for clarifying. That just didn't make sense
Speaker 2: to me.
Speaker 6: So I'm going to take this a step further, and
Speaker 6: now I'm going to ask what does that look like?
Speaker 6: Does that look like him having a conversation with you
Speaker 6: in the room to them? Is this going to be
Speaker 6: setting up a list of boundaries and seeing if they
Speaker 6: adhere to that?
Speaker 5: What does.
Speaker 3: What does that look like? I'm repeating myself at this one.
Speaker 5: I think it would probably I've never experienced it before.
Speaker 5: This is like my real, first healthy relationship, honestly, but
Speaker 5: I think it looks like Kim is having that conversation
Speaker 5: in front of me so that it is clear and
Speaker 5: everyone is present in that moment, so no one can say, oh, yeah,
Speaker 5: well he said this and I did this. You know,
Speaker 5: I don't want any where they can twist it any
Speaker 5: kind of way to try to get in between us
Speaker 5: at some point in the future, because I felt like
Speaker 5: that was a real possibility and having those close those
Speaker 5: conversations behind closed doors have not changed anything in four years.
Speaker 5: And then following that, if they keep doing it, setting
Speaker 5: boundaries and if they can ithre to that limiting contact.
Speaker 3: I don't think that's unrealistic, don't.
Speaker 2: I don't either.
Speaker 4: I am curious have you stood up for yourself in
Speaker 4: any of this or do you, like, are you waiting
Speaker 4: on him to do the thing?
Speaker 5: I have spoken up to his mother quite a few
Speaker 5: times and she always tries to spin it off like
Speaker 5: it was a joke. Disgusting, But a joke that is
Speaker 5: disrespectful isn't a joke. It's just a compliment sandwich, if
Speaker 5: you will, in a sense, but with a fake joke instead.
Speaker 3: It's degrading. That's what that is. Yes, that that is
Speaker 3: malicious intent.
Speaker 6: That is intentionally going out of your way to bring
Speaker 6: somebody else down, to feed into a superiority or an ego.
Speaker 3: There.
Speaker 6: I want to say this before we continue on those
Speaker 6: moments where she says something in the moment and you
Speaker 6: guys are in a room together.
Speaker 3: She needs to be corrected immediately.
Speaker 6: This isn't something that we talk about six hours later
Speaker 6: once we've all dispersed. Families have a really big problem
Speaker 6: enabling and perpetuating toxic behaviors because they don't want to
Speaker 6: handle the fallout or the meltdown or whatever. They tiptoe
Speaker 6: around the most toxic person and it bleeds out because
Speaker 6: everybody else is miserable because nobody can say something to
Speaker 6: that person, Right, Hovey, I do view that you are
Speaker 6: enabling some type of abuse towards your wife and allowing
Speaker 6: your mother and grandmother to degrade her. This way, there
Speaker 6: is a level of defense and protection no matter who
Speaker 6: it's coming from, that that has to happen.
Speaker 3: Do you have anything to say them?
Speaker 5: So?
Speaker 2: I have two things.
Speaker 4: The people in the chat keep saying that they think
Speaker 4: this is a culture thing because Hobby's probably got Latin parents.
Speaker 4: I think I understand that that's the thing, But that's
Speaker 4: a bullshit excuse. That is justifying behavior based on tradition,
Speaker 4: and that's accepting generational bullshit.
Speaker 2: The other thing that.
Speaker 4: I wanted to get into with this is that you
Speaker 4: don't have really okay, how do I word this and
Speaker 4: make it make sense them? When people say something to
Speaker 4: you and you feel disrespected, it doesn't always mean that
Speaker 4: they're being disrespectful. It means that you feel disrespected. Then
Speaker 4: there's a difference there, And if you feel disrespected, it's
Speaker 4: okay to acknowledge that, Hey, what you just said came
Speaker 4: across as and I now feel disrespected and I would
Speaker 4: appreciate it if you don't do that again. And if
Speaker 4: they go, well, I was just joking, you can say, well,
Speaker 4: I understand that's your humor, and I'm telling you that
Speaker 4: that's not okay with the way that I expect people
Speaker 4: to treat me. And if you do not, you know,
Speaker 4: respect the way that I want to be treated, I'm
Speaker 4: not going to be here. That's the boundary that you set.
Speaker 4: And if that joke comes across, or they play it
Speaker 4: off or they try to downplay what's going on, you
Speaker 4: get up and you fucking leave. And if you're riding
Speaker 4: passenger princess and can't leave, you go sit in the
Speaker 4: car until he leaves, and then you guys can have
Speaker 4: a conversation about why it took so fucking long for
Speaker 4: him to follow suit. Yeah, there's a whole lot of
Speaker 4: you treat people how to treat or you train people
Speaker 4: how to treat you, and when you allow things to
Speaker 4: continue long term, you everybody knows how far they can
Speaker 4: push your buttons, yes, and when you allow those buttons
Speaker 4: to continuously get pushed that you have to have a
Speaker 4: very extreme reaction before they stop because they know that
Speaker 4: they can get away with shit.
Speaker 2: You can.
Speaker 4: You can be disrespected by something that someone said or
Speaker 4: did that was not disrespectful at all, and it is
Speaker 4: totally okay to feel that way. You should figure out
Speaker 4: why you feel that way. That's things that you journal about,
Speaker 4: meditate and pray about whatever it is that you need
Speaker 4: to do to figure that shit out on your own.
Speaker 4: But you don't have to tolerate it. And that's one
Speaker 4: of the biggest lessons that people need to learn. When
Speaker 4: you learn to love yourself and you have like an
Speaker 4: adherent self worth, there's a very different mindset from allowing
Speaker 4: somebody to be disrespectful and tolerating somebody being disrespectful. And
Speaker 4: I'm not saying you needed to hoot and holler and
Speaker 4: jump and puff fucking chest out and smack tables over
Speaker 4: and be that. There's no reason for any of that shit.
Speaker 4: There's so much more power in being like, well, I've
Speaker 4: overstayed my welcome. You guys have a good day, and
Speaker 4: you fucking walk out the room. You don't even have
Speaker 4: to wait for a goodbye. Real shit in business, there
Speaker 4: have been multiple times where I have said what I've
Speaker 4: needed to said say, and I have gotten up and
Speaker 4: I have left.
Speaker 3: It's so hot.
Speaker 4: Every time I have done that, I've gotten a phone
Speaker 4: call within forty five minutes from the people that I
Speaker 4: walked out on and being like, hey, did we offend you?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 4: Are you okay? You left in a hurry? Is everything
Speaker 4: all right? And I'm like, no, I made my fucking point.
Speaker 4: You guys need to figure out what you're going to
Speaker 4: do now, and that's the end of the discussion. It's
Speaker 4: almost manipulative, but it's letting people know where I am
Speaker 4: at and the power that I hold in my life.
Speaker 4: I'm not going to be a doormat for fucking anyone.
Speaker 4: So this is as much as it's on him to
Speaker 4: conduct himself with his family members, and you guys work
Speaker 4: together as a unit, you know, one flesh in your
Speaker 4: marriage to make sure that the marriage is sacred.
Speaker 2: Did you see what she just did? Okay?
Speaker 4: It's also on you to make sure that you love
Speaker 4: yourself and that the people around you know that you
Speaker 4: love yourself and you're not going to accept less than
Speaker 4: from anyone.
Speaker 5: Do you balance that in not overstepping my baland is
Speaker 5: his wife to his family but I have already personally
Speaker 5: had these conversations with my family because one person made
Speaker 5: one disrespectful comment. I was like, look that happens again,
Speaker 5: and we won't ever come back. That's that's my man,
Speaker 5: that's my husband. I we're one soul now, and I
Speaker 5: just how do I find the balance between those two things.
Speaker 4: Ain't no balance. There's no balance there. I don't know
Speaker 4: what your vowels look like. Marriage is a very sacred
Speaker 4: thing between two people, and not everybody does the typical
Speaker 4: Bible valves. I don't know what they look like. But
Speaker 4: when you say I do, when you make a covenant
Speaker 4: between the two of you, and if you've got guide involved,
Speaker 4: there's a three way agreement that's there, that we are
Speaker 4: one flesh now and that this family supersedes everything else.
Speaker 4: Your marriage is the most important family aspect that you have,
Speaker 4: and everything around your marriage is secondary, tritiary, like it
Speaker 4: just continues.
Speaker 2: To go on and on and on.
Speaker 4: I understand that there's blood ties there, and there's a
Speaker 4: whole lot of well, they raised me and we're all
Speaker 4: of these things. I am a very firm believer that
Speaker 4: your marriage, your spouse is the number one priority above
Speaker 4: all things in your life, including you, and when you
Speaker 4: treat each other like they are the most important thing
Speaker 4: above everything else, and the marriage is the most important thing,
Speaker 4: everything else falls into place because you're not living from
Speaker 4: a place of selfishness and you're not worried about other
Speaker 4: people's feelings. In that aspect, this is not a matter
Speaker 4: of I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. This is
Speaker 4: a matter of my marriage. It matters more than your
Speaker 4: fucking feelings does real shit, Mom, Grandma, You're gonna die
Speaker 4: one day and I love you, and I hate that
Speaker 4: I just said that, but that's the truth of it,
Speaker 4: and so are we. But I have a longer time
Speaker 4: with my wife, God willing, then you guys got left
Speaker 4: on this earth.
Speaker 3: Your wife is gonna get so much more than you
Speaker 3: than your mother ever did.
Speaker 4: Right, I'm trying to to enjoy every moment with this
Speaker 4: person that I have committed myself to for the rest
Speaker 4: of my life. There's I don't think that people view
Speaker 4: marriage as such a sacred thing anymore. It's just the
Speaker 4: next part of the evolution of a relationship. And like
Speaker 4: I was going to ask them where they put their
Speaker 4: marriage and like how that's prioritized but I mean it
Speaker 4: sounds like you got it down under control. Have you
Speaker 4: gone back to that relative's house since you laid that out?
Speaker 5: So when I laid it, it was my my grandmother
Speaker 5: on my mom's side, and she has not made any
Speaker 5: derogatory comments about my husband. She's she's done everything I requested, thankfully.
Speaker 5: So it's been a pretty I guess, smooth transition in
Speaker 5: a sense that one comment happened and nothing has happened since.
Speaker 2: Good good.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 6: That that is the that's the proof that you stand
Speaker 6: up for yourself and people will fall in line if
Speaker 6: they actually want to be in your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I also it makes me curious about what her marriage
Speaker 4: look like like. Did she have a long, healthy marriage,
Speaker 4: because if so, she understood that you stand on business
Speaker 4: right right, there's a whole lot of you don't want
Speaker 4: to ever try to make me choose between you and
Speaker 4: my woman. I don't give a fuck who you are,
Speaker 4: real shit, I understand the whole concept of God in source,
Speaker 4: but like I have, I made a vow. Yeah, and
Speaker 4: like there's not going to be anything that's going to
Speaker 4: come between that because this is this is us.
Speaker 3: So I have a question, do.
Speaker 6: Mom and Grandma hobbies side only act this way towards you,
Speaker 6: or is this a prominent pattern with them towards everybody
Speaker 6: within the family unit.
Speaker 5: I feel like I'm very singled out. But there are
Speaker 5: like cousin cousins, right, that's what ari right, Okay, cousins
Speaker 5: that kind of like his cousins and like his mom,
Speaker 5: don't quite get along. And then like some of the
Speaker 5: the his theas don't quite like his siblings, like those
Speaker 5: types of like they all talk a little bit of
Speaker 5: shit about each other, But I don't ever really see
Speaker 5: personal attacks like I feel.
Speaker 4: Happened to me was because it's personal to you and
Speaker 4: and the other way around.
Speaker 2: It's not.
Speaker 6: So Now I have a question, Hovey, are you an
Speaker 6: only child or are you the only son?
Speaker 8: I'm actually the third child out of four.
Speaker 5: And he's got two other brothers.
Speaker 6: Okay, so now have another question for you. You you
Speaker 6: have dealt with your mom the longest she's your mother.
Speaker 6: Has she always had these tendencies? Do you feel like
Speaker 6: this has been a thing and maybe past relationships and
Speaker 6: maybe y yeah, maybe like high school relationships when you
Speaker 6: started dating that she would be aggressive towards your women,
Speaker 6: or is it just with your wife.
Speaker 7: Uh actually only well, no, what the first girlfriend? It
Speaker 7: was it because she I'm not trying to be like
Speaker 7: very you know, I'm want.
Speaker 3: To say there's no worry of anything.
Speaker 8: I'm gonna be straightforward. When oh, my first one, she.
Speaker 7: Was very like aggressive and suicidal to the point where, yeah,
Speaker 7: she was trying to be manipulive that I can't speak.
Speaker 5: She was trying to be manipulive. She would use suicide
Speaker 5: to make him stay or to make it do certain
Speaker 5: things that she wanted him to do.
Speaker 2: Adie, you just did it again.
Speaker 5: No, he he couldn't pronounce the word and he asked
Speaker 5: me to explain it because he wasn't getting.
Speaker 8: Okay, Okay, I have a I have a major and
Speaker 8: speech impediment.
Speaker 7: What was born with so like most of the time
Speaker 7: she'll speak for me on what I need to say,
Speaker 7: so I can't pronounce certain things correctly, okay, and I
Speaker 7: bring decides to mumble it.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm gonna for what it's worth, We're able to
Speaker 4: catch the Bible what you're trying to say. And while
Speaker 4: we're speaking to you, at least I would rather hear
Speaker 4: from you than have her talk over you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm a plan to see that. I think that's
Speaker 6: actually a detriment. If you look at not just your wife,
Speaker 6: anybody to speak for you, you are never going to
Speaker 6: gain confidence or or develop beyond where you're at now.
Speaker 7: Yeah, but yeah, she was very aggressive, tarred me to
Speaker 7: the point where I had let her know one day
Speaker 7: that I was taking a nap and like I was
Speaker 7: very tired, I was already up for twenty four hours,
Speaker 7: and she decided to send me a message saying that
Speaker 7: I wasn't paying enough attention to her.
Speaker 8: So that was the point.
Speaker 7: My mom had saw it and told me, told me
Speaker 7: straight up that she's not wanting and she doesn't want
Speaker 7: to see this on my hands because it was about
Speaker 7: her ending her own life. So I decided to tell
Speaker 7: the first girlfriend that we were done because of that,
Speaker 7: And it was something that I did. I had suggested
Speaker 7: I'm doing myself because after seeing.
Speaker 9: The way my mom looked at me, You're good, all right,
Speaker 9: The way that my mother had looked at me, and
Speaker 9: then the way the message had written, now I knew
Speaker 9: that she was just trying to get more attention than
Speaker 9: she needed just for her own uh fun out of it?
Speaker 2: Okay, do you got anything on that because I do.
Speaker 6: No that answer I think like maybe ten percent of
Speaker 6: my question. So if you have something pertained to what
Speaker 6: was just said, you can do that.
Speaker 2: I'll be real quick.
Speaker 4: Then Okay, this is so good that you were able
Speaker 4: to see the manipulation happening.
Speaker 2: That's a very good thing.
Speaker 4: But it also gave your mom a power that she
Speaker 4: didn't have otherwise because she told you to end it
Speaker 4: and you did. The whole situation that's going on every
Speaker 4: everything that just transpired, with the manipulation and the talking
Speaker 4: over and the conversations that we just had, it sounds
Speaker 4: like there's a lot of giving up your power to
Speaker 4: other people and it's bleeding into your marriage and a
Speaker 4: negative polarity because of it. And we can get into
Speaker 4: that more iph we need to, but I just wanted
Speaker 4: to point that out, like moms get very possessive over
Speaker 4: their sons, especially when they have the power to do
Speaker 4: so there's a very whole I brought you into this world,
Speaker 4: I can take you out of it kind of thing,
Speaker 4: and that's it's a very ugly situation for a lot
Speaker 4: of people.
Speaker 6: But go ahead, So with that, right, the first girlfriend
Speaker 6: is when like she wasn't super overbearing, but she did
Speaker 6: give a direction you followed it. So past that, have
Speaker 6: had you noticed any other tendencies? Like does she overstep
Speaker 6: into your personal life? Is this something that you've only
Speaker 6: noticed with your wife? Is this something that has only
Speaker 6: happened with your wife? Beyond that that first instance with
Speaker 6: the manic girlfriend, we can say.
Speaker 7: I would say yes, because she has stepped in and
Speaker 7: she's tried to like tell me how things are supposed
Speaker 7: to be done.
Speaker 8: But like I've never actually.
Speaker 7: Like accepted what she says because it's my marriage.
Speaker 8: Like yeah, she's my.
Speaker 7: Mother's, but when she gets suppressed to her about what
Speaker 7: she needs to be done, I really don't.
Speaker 8: I let it be her opinion, not her her voice
Speaker 8: in it.
Speaker 6: Can you elaborate on that? What do you mean by
Speaker 6: her opinion versus her voice?
Speaker 7: Like she could make her own statement on how she
Speaker 7: wants us to uh, how she wants us to live
Speaker 7: and everything. But all in all, it's like it we're
Speaker 7: living our own life. You still have your marriage and
Speaker 7: like like I told her multiple times, Like like I said,
Speaker 7: I told her behind when it's just me and her,
Speaker 7: like it it's our life, Like I'll take her I'll
Speaker 7: listen to her opinion, but I won't actually like fully
Speaker 7: take it unless it's needed.
Speaker 8: So when we're taking it with a grain of salt.
Speaker 6: Yes, that makes sense. So what I'm taking away from
Speaker 6: what you're saying is that your mom is just kind
Speaker 6: of like talking a bunch of hot air and it
Speaker 6: doesn't really bother you. It's in one year out the other,
Speaker 6: not a big, big disruption to your life.
Speaker 10: Okay, unless it's unless it's it's something that's really needed,
Speaker 10: I will take it as advice, but other than that,
Speaker 10: it would just be opinions.
Speaker 3: So now let me ask you this.
Speaker 6: Do you do you feel like I just don't want
Speaker 6: to deal with my mom like she's just talking shit.
Speaker 6: I'm a letter talk shit and then continue off my life.
Speaker 8: Pretty much because as she was saying, as aDNA was saying,
Speaker 8: she h, my family.
Speaker 7: Has a bunch of problems between cousins, siblings, stuff like that,
Speaker 7: because I listen to what she tells me and like
Speaker 7: she does back us up compared to my other cousins.
Speaker 7: But she won't say it to a Dina because I
Speaker 7: guess she has a boundary between her and my wife.
Speaker 6: So why do you think that is why do you
Speaker 6: think your mom is acting this way towards your wife?
Speaker 8: To be honest, I'm not too sure.
Speaker 7: She likes to keep herself like at a certain standing
Speaker 7: point where she she doesn't want to be too appreciated,
Speaker 7: but she doesn't want to be too like like controlling.
Speaker 10: I would see, Okay, I don't know the work to
Speaker 10: put for it.
Speaker 6: I have one more question, and then a husband, if
Speaker 6: you want to jump in you can. What are the
Speaker 6: things that you have said to your mom behind the
Speaker 6: closed door to try and let her know that what
Speaker 6: she's doing is not okay.
Speaker 7: I've told her that a lot of the stuff that
Speaker 7: when it comes to like the medical stuff, that yeah,
Speaker 7: a lot of places aren't trying to help her out,
Speaker 7: and we're trying different not areas, but like insurances try
Speaker 7: to work with her because a lot of places apparently
Speaker 7: she doesn't meet the credentials or the criteria that need
Speaker 7: it for their support for their insurance.
Speaker 8: And I've told her plenty of times that we're still
Speaker 8: working on this.
Speaker 7: If I when I move up, we're going to try
Speaker 7: to go to like a better insurance policy or health
Speaker 7: policy that way they could help her with the benefits
Speaker 7: that she needs.
Speaker 3: Okay, I see you over there writing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I was trying to think of how to word
Speaker 4: this on paper, and I think I've got enough written
Speaker 4: down that I'm not gonna forget it, so it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3: You can go.
Speaker 4: So I'm curious, does your mom and grandmother help you
Speaker 4: guys financially because of ADDIE's illnesses? Or is this a
Speaker 4: like how does that look for you guys?
Speaker 8: I forgot to mention this before my grandma had passed
Speaker 8: away years back.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, so she's not obviously not an issue anymore then, No,
Speaker 4: So then why did that?
Speaker 11: It's more like, since since I didn't know my grandma,
Speaker 11: my wife didn't know her, I know how she acts
Speaker 11: and how she is, uh like in the way of
Speaker 11: seeing how my grandma was.
Speaker 4: Okay, that makes sense why she was brought up and
Speaker 4: I couldn't figure out where there was a correlation. Okay,
Speaker 4: So does is your mom helping you guys out financially?
Speaker 4: Is there any type of transactional things going on in
Speaker 4: between the two of you?
Speaker 8: So before it was when I was.
Speaker 7: The previous job I had, it was barely covering all
Speaker 7: her our bills and a lot of the stuff that
Speaker 7: we needed was mainly.
Speaker 8: For like gas, so that way I could get to
Speaker 8: work and get.
Speaker 7: Back And that was mainly the biggest thing, was helping
Speaker 7: us with gas money.
Speaker 8: Uh.
Speaker 7: Before that, before I got the job, it was I
Speaker 7: was laid off of.
Speaker 8: Work because oh, I mean, I'll get to that.
Speaker 7: Before I had, I had lost my job when I
Speaker 7: was working with Walmart, one of the bigger companies. I
Speaker 7: was asking around with my families if they could help
Speaker 7: me out, you know, and I'll do stuff in exchange.
Speaker 7: A lot of that stuff was just you know, yard
Speaker 7: work or small uh. Aaron runs with them and they
Speaker 7: would help us out that way. And that was before
Speaker 7: I had. Like I said, I had lost my job
Speaker 7: when she was working, but she still wasn't getting enough money,
Speaker 7: so it was only enough to get us through.
Speaker 8: Some of my bills.
Speaker 4: Okay, So is that the biggest Is that still happening?
Speaker 4: And have you paid that debt off? Or was the
Speaker 4: transactions forgiven as work completed paid?
Speaker 7: So I'm still working off some of the uh the
Speaker 7: amount that we borrowed from her.
Speaker 8: A lot of the.
Speaker 7: Transactions is only me helping out with yard work on
Speaker 7: my days off or if she needs she needs someone
Speaker 7: to go with her to pick up my nephew or
Speaker 7: my brother from my nephew from school, or my younger
Speaker 7: brother from work if she doesn't have the time to
Speaker 7: go get them, or if she's not in the the area.
Speaker 7: Because she still takes care of my grandpa and because
Speaker 7: she's the only one doing it, so she'll ask me
Speaker 7: in return, and in that return, it's paying off some
Speaker 7: of the debt that we owe her.
Speaker 4: Okay, Okay, So it's important to not owe people things.
Speaker 4: So I'm glad that you're actually working to do that.
Speaker 4: If there's also an honor in being able to be
Speaker 4: there for your elders, like real shit, there's a lot
Speaker 4: of respect in that for me, So good on you
Speaker 4: on that. You also have to understand that you doing
Speaker 4: the things that you're doing for your elders and being
Speaker 4: a part of your family the way that you are
Speaker 4: is it makes you an asset to your family, and
Speaker 4: a lot of people don't realize that it does give
Speaker 4: you a little bit of leverage that you otherwise may
Speaker 4: not have had earlier. When you were talking, you said
Speaker 4: that that your mom talks about your cousins to you,
Speaker 4: and she kind of defends you. Guys, to a degree.
Speaker 4: If somebody gossips to you, they'll gossip about you, and
Speaker 4: that's important to remember as well. There's a whole lot
Speaker 4: of everything that's gone on in is call, like there's
Speaker 4: been a lot of good back and forth and information given,
Speaker 4: I believe, But I also think that the biggest lesson
Speaker 4: that the two of you need to have here is
Speaker 4: a united front about how you're going to conduct yourselves
Speaker 4: marriage wise. Your mom being somebody that is just a boisterous,
Speaker 4: hot air breather, and you've experienced that your entire life.
Speaker 4: That's just who she is, and you have accepted her
Speaker 4: for that. Your wife has not. So there's got to
Speaker 4: be a level of when she's giving unwarranted opinions, where
Speaker 4: she's saying things that your wife may view as disrespectful,
Speaker 4: even if she's not there, you have to correct that
Speaker 4: behavior in the moment. Mom, I'm not going to allow
Speaker 4: you to talk to my wife or about my wife
Speaker 4: that way. I would appreciate it if you stopped. It's polite.
Speaker 4: It will start to correct that behavior, and it'll carry
Speaker 4: you over into the interactions that your wife has real shit.
Speaker 4: Beyond that, there's not a whole lot of advice that
Speaker 4: we can give you guys in terms of what's going
Speaker 4: on in this relationship thing other than you both need
Speaker 4: to have a united front about the marriage to everyone
Speaker 4: that's got an opinion, a disrespect, or anything else that
Speaker 4: goes on. It needs to be the two of you
Speaker 4: versus the world Robanni and Clyde shit like that's I
Speaker 4: gotta be honest. At this point, I feel like we've
Speaker 4: exhausted the parent thing quite a bit and I don't
Speaker 4: want to keep harping on it. We've been an hour,
Speaker 4: and if there's other things I want to get into,
Speaker 4: get into them. I know that you were making notes though,
Speaker 4: so if you've got things to run through, let's run
Speaker 4: through that and then let's move to the next topic.
Speaker 6: The last thing that I want to say to that
Speaker 6: is correcting your mom doesn't, like we said in the beginning,
Speaker 6: doesn't have to be this volcano eruption, destructive, life ending conversation.
Speaker 6: It is a gentle correction of mom, don't talk about
Speaker 6: my wife that way, and then continuing onward if she
Speaker 6: tries to pick a fight, Mom, I'm not mad at you,
Speaker 6: I'm not yelling at you. I'm just gently letting you
Speaker 6: know that we've talked about this, and I don't want
Speaker 6: you talk about my wife like that.
Speaker 3: I love you.
Speaker 6: I'm gonna go finish doing the yard stuff, and if
Speaker 6: you're frustrated, we can talk about it when you're.
Speaker 3: Not frustrated anymore.
Speaker 2: There it is, and.
Speaker 3: Then go do your thing.
Speaker 6: People who gossip and shit talk and nitpick and pull
Speaker 6: people apart are not okay people. There is some deep
Speaker 6: rooted darkness that that stems from. And your corrections of
Speaker 6: your mom might be the light that needs to be
Speaker 6: shine on these things for her to recognize that she
Speaker 6: is being a detriment to her family as a matriarch.
Speaker 4: There you go, well said, and the matriarch word good
Speaker 4: timing for that. I normally don't like those terms. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 4: good on that, baby. What else do you guys got?
Speaker 4: You guys have other things that you want to try
Speaker 4: to get through.
Speaker 5: My other bakes and it's just really communication on how
Speaker 5: he's feeling, and like him talking to me about those
Speaker 5: emotions so I can understand because he I feel he
Speaker 5: really struggles to tell me, hey, I'm mad because you
Speaker 5: did this, or I'm I'm he lets them like he
Speaker 5: just pushes everything down until he's he explodes at some
Speaker 5: point in some way, whether that's having a panic attack
Speaker 5: or having a nightmare or whatever the case, and I
Speaker 5: just worry about his mental health because of it. And
Speaker 5: I don't know how else I can help, because I'm
Speaker 5: not a man, and I know that that's a different
Speaker 5: experience than what I've been through.
Speaker 3: So real shit.
Speaker 6: After an hour and a half talking about his mom,
Speaker 6: I can see why he's like that.
Speaker 2: Yep, a whole lot of training.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's not just his mom.
Speaker 4: It's the way that you guys interact with each other.
Speaker 4: Earlier when I was like, I want to hear you speak,
Speaker 4: regardless of you mumbling or or not having the words, Like,
Speaker 4: there's a power in your voice. When you guys give
Speaker 4: your power away and let other people speak for you,
Speaker 4: you become recluse. Like you know that, you catch the vibe,
Speaker 4: you get what I'm saying, and you just kind of
Speaker 4: quit talking.
Speaker 2: Well, that's it's not the same thing.
Speaker 3: You're shutting yourself down.
Speaker 7: Right.
Speaker 4: We have conversations on the podcast all the time about
Speaker 4: couples not having honest conversations. You guys will have a
Speaker 4: conversation and you will beat around the bush and you
Speaker 4: will put so much sugar on the thing that it's
Speaker 4: just sweet now, and it's not the fucking bitterness that
Speaker 4: needs to be had. And I'm not saying you need
Speaker 4: to fight, but you need to be fucking honest with
Speaker 4: each other. And if you're not okay with the way
Speaker 4: things were said, or you don't feel good when somebody
Speaker 4: goes to bed without the other person or whatever whatever whatever,
Speaker 4: it needs to be like, Hey, I don't like that. Yeah,
Speaker 4: what do you mean? You don't like that? This happened.
Speaker 4: This is how I feel, and I don't like the
Speaker 4: way I feel right now. Most people aren't told that
Speaker 4: that's okay. We're told to suck at the fuck up,
Speaker 4: shut ups down, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get
Speaker 4: to work.
Speaker 2: Men, don't cry. We don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4: Nobody's got time for your nonsense. Boohoo, you fucking sissy.
Speaker 4: And that's that's the life of man. Whereas women are
Speaker 4: told to express themselves and to communicate and have effective
Speaker 4: communication because you know, you, guys are allowed to cry
Speaker 4: and that's that's a weapon, and that's a tool, and
Speaker 4: it's all these other things and we're not allowed doing
Speaker 4: of that. Shit, and if we get upset, now we're
Speaker 4: an asshole or a narcissist or an aggressor, so like
Speaker 4: we have to tiptoe around things. It's very different for
Speaker 4: a man's emotional state, mental state than it is for
Speaker 4: a woman because of the way that we're raised. There's
Speaker 4: a whole lot of you train your person on how
Speaker 4: to deal with you. And the first time I was
Speaker 4: emotional with my wife, or I cried, or you know whatever,
Speaker 4: the first time she saw me in pain, whatever, whatever, whatever,
Speaker 4: Every single one of those firsts are an opportunity. Were
Speaker 4: an opportunity for her to show me how I am
Speaker 4: able to be with her. If I was vulnerable, I
Speaker 4: hate that term, it's not the right term. But if
Speaker 4: I was in a moment of weakness and she got
Speaker 4: exposed to that, her reaction to that thing tells me
Speaker 4: exactly how I am. If I feel like I'm being
Speaker 4: looked down on, if it feels like she sees me
Speaker 4: as less than you're not getting a side of me anymore,
Speaker 4: I'll fucking break my femur bone and I'm gonna walk
Speaker 4: that shit off and go cry in the car away
Speaker 4: from everyone, because you show me that you're gonna look
Speaker 4: down on me or think less of me because of
Speaker 4: these things, every one of those instances. It only takes
Speaker 4: once for that to change the way that you conduct
Speaker 4: yourself in your marriage or around other people, especially with men.
Speaker 4: So you have to train him to be And training
Speaker 4: is such a bad word. It's like we're dogs. But
Speaker 4: the truth of the matter is everything in life is training.
Speaker 4: We're animals, right. Learning to speak is training.
Speaker 3: Body training.
Speaker 4: Yes, So when things come up and he is not
Speaker 4: having a good day, you saying, hey, I can tell
Speaker 4: you're mad. Well, what if he's not and you just
Speaker 4: think that because you're feeling insecure in the moment. Now
Speaker 4: you've assumed some shit. You've told him how he's felt,
Speaker 4: because he's not used to speaking for himself. I'm assuming
Speaker 4: obviously this is hypothetical. He doesn't correct it. He's just like, no,
Speaker 4: I'm okay, And that's the end of the conversation. I'm
Speaker 4: not mad, I promise I'm that mad. Well, what about
Speaker 4: the depression or the sadness, or the fucked up conversation
Speaker 4: you have with the boss or maybe the mom and
Speaker 4: him got into an argument earlier, Like there's a whole
Speaker 4: lot of you need to probe and not assume. Hey,
Speaker 4: I don't feel like the energy in the house is
Speaker 4: right right now, what's going on? Talk to me, you know,
Speaker 4: be available and shut the fuck up, ask the question
Speaker 4: and sit there for forty five minutes and complete silence
Speaker 4: if you have to, and if it doesn't get answered,
Speaker 4: and be like, hey, I know you've been pondering it.
Speaker 4: You talk about it, yeah, And if he says no,
Speaker 4: then you just got to leave it alone. But you
Speaker 4: have to be able to give the opportunity for that
Speaker 4: habitual pattern of life to be broken. And it started
Speaker 4: with mom and it's continued so like, And this isn't
Speaker 4: a fuck you to either one of you, guys. I'm
Speaker 4: not being nasty. This is just simple behavioral modifications that's
Speaker 4: going to improve your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 6: I have a question for Hovey. Are you well versed
Speaker 6: in your emotions? Can you identify that bothered me? I
Speaker 6: don't like the way that that felt fill in the
Speaker 6: blank or do you like, oh, I don't like that.
Speaker 6: And then just kind of like shoven under a rugger
Speaker 6: into a bottle kind of folds are your emotions and
Speaker 6: inconvenience to you, very your emotions will never go away
Speaker 6: and until you learn how to interpret right, because our
Speaker 6: emotions are not just something that we feel that is
Speaker 6: a signal from our body telling our minds that something
Speaker 6: is not okay. A boundary was crossed. You let yourself
Speaker 6: dip below your standard or expectations for yourself fill in
Speaker 6: the blank for whatever causes the negative emotion. You continuing
Speaker 6: to ignore your emotions inside of you because you don't
Speaker 6: have the time to deal with them, or you have
Speaker 6: life shit going on, or you have to take care
Speaker 6: of your woman and I can't handle this right now.
Speaker 6: You are neglecting yourself and you're training your nervous system
Speaker 6: that you cannot be trust with you, and in turn,
Speaker 6: you're becoming your own abuser. You got to sit with
Speaker 6: your emotions, man. You have to identify the things that
Speaker 6: don't sit right with your soul, the things that bother you,
Speaker 6: and you need to communicate it.
Speaker 3: And if your.
Speaker 6: Wife takes it poorly, or your coworker takes it poorly,
Speaker 6: or whomever this this is coming up with, their reaction
Speaker 6: is not your problem.
Speaker 2: And your delivery is Yes.
Speaker 8: Yeah.
Speaker 6: One of the best things about being married to somebody
Speaker 6: is that they actually give a fuck about you and
Speaker 6: you have a woman here who is looking at you
Speaker 6: and saying, I want to help you heal all of
Speaker 6: the shit that's broken inside of you because you deserve
Speaker 6: so much more out of life. And by ignoring that,
Speaker 6: not only are you suppressing something for her yourself, you
Speaker 6: are denying her the opportunity to spread love and joy.
Speaker 6: And if you guys have faith or religion, that that's
Speaker 6: the whole fucking point. We're here to be loving like
Speaker 6: Christ was, to share and serve and be of service. Now,
Speaker 6: let me ask you this. Do you feel like you're
Speaker 6: a burden to your wife if you are emotional?
Speaker 8: Sometimes? Yeah?
Speaker 6: Is that because of the way that she responds to you?
Speaker 6: Or is that just the way you've you've been taught
Speaker 6: that men are to women if they're emotional.
Speaker 4: Be honest, Yeah, be honest, Yeah, honestly, more of that's
Speaker 4: how we're taught.
Speaker 8: Less like slight amount of the way she is.
Speaker 6: Okay, So just that slight amount we can say it's
Speaker 6: point zero zero two percent means they're still work to
Speaker 6: be done right. So what does that look like when
Speaker 6: you try to bring something right? And this is not
Speaker 6: an attack on your woman, Addie, This is not putting
Speaker 6: you in a bad light. This is the feedback to
Speaker 6: get what you want out of your man. So that
Speaker 6: point zero zero two percent, what does that feel like
Speaker 6: for you when that does happen?
Speaker 3: And what is it that she does?
Speaker 12: So a lot of times it's well, as you guys
Speaker 12: can see as the interrupting, it's when I can't like
Speaker 12: really want to express myself.
Speaker 8: So when she.
Speaker 7: When she like talks over me, it just makes me
Speaker 7: shut down even more than.
Speaker 8: What I was taught Addie.
Speaker 4: This isn't a feel bad moment. This is data collection.
Speaker 4: These are the honest conversations when we do check ins
Speaker 4: that we want real shit. The fact that he just
Speaker 4: said that in front of you, live, in front of
Speaker 4: the people that we're on and this is going to
Speaker 4: be on a podcast. This shows that he trusts you
Speaker 4: and this is an opportunity for you to grow in love.
Speaker 4: You're fucking man like this. These are the conversations that
Speaker 4: you have at bedtime where you think the person for
Speaker 4: being honest with you, even though it's suck to hear.
Speaker 4: This is how we fucking improve guys.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so with you, I agree with that. I didn't
Speaker 5: realize you were already speaking. It's there's a little bit
Speaker 5: of lag. My bad, uh, Peaches, But I am sorry
Speaker 5: if I ever made you feel like you could not
Speaker 5: tell me any hard truth. It's just like when we
Speaker 5: were having issues a year and a half ago. I
Speaker 5: need to know the whole truth. I need all of
Speaker 5: the information so that I can help to the fullest
Speaker 5: of my ability, because if something is left out, even
Speaker 5: if it hurts my feelings and I have to sit
Speaker 5: there for a minute and think about my actions, that's
Speaker 5: something I have to do because it's gonna help our marriage,
Speaker 5: and it's gonna help you. And that's my job as
Speaker 5: your wife and helping you to identify those emotions. And
Speaker 5: even when it's hard to tell me, I need you
Speaker 5: to tell me anyways, and realize that no matter what
Speaker 5: you tell me, at the end of the day, you're
Speaker 5: still my person. It's not gonna change.
Speaker 6: So with all of that being said, I'm assuming that
Speaker 6: something that's been said before because of the conviction that's
Speaker 6: been said with I'm gonna read this first because I
Speaker 6: wrote down something so Addie, as a woman, you need
Speaker 6: to understand what he needs from you emotionally. So him
Speaker 6: saying now that the interruptions are a problem. He just
Speaker 6: voiced what he needs from you emotionally in order to
Speaker 6: step into what you want him to be or how
Speaker 6: open you want him to be as a husband.
Speaker 3: I love everything that you just said.
Speaker 6: I agree with everything you just said as a wife
Speaker 6: at the end of the day, all of it. But
Speaker 6: that also goes hand in hand with when he does
Speaker 6: bring it up in the moment, you have to monitor
Speaker 6: your reaction versus your response. So if you're saying that
Speaker 6: he needs to bring these things to you and fill
Speaker 6: in the blank, you also have to accept it in
Speaker 6: the moment and not try to be defensive or try
Speaker 6: to backtrack or over explain to control the narrative. I'm
Speaker 6: not saying that you do do that, but to plant
Speaker 6: the seed of you and anybody who may be listening
Speaker 6: to that hovey with everything that Addie just said, do
Speaker 6: you believe that to be true? Because right now we're calm.
Speaker 6: This is a calm conversation. Emotions are nice in a
Speaker 6: homeostasis when there are elevated emotions and our IQ drops.
Speaker 6: This is scientifically proven. When we are not in our
Speaker 6: emotional homeostasis and we start getting elevated, our URQ begins
Speaker 6: to drop.
Speaker 3: Because our energy is allocated elsewhere.
Speaker 6: Do you feel like that is an accurate statement and
Speaker 6: that you can voice in the moment, like, hey, you've
Speaker 6: spoken over me. Can I finish my sentence? Whatever the
Speaker 6: case may be.
Speaker 7: Pretty much, yeah, Because no matter what, even if we'll
Speaker 7: get into an argument, I'm never gonna tell her that
Speaker 7: I don't love her. It maybe be a time when
Speaker 7: she's out of it that I'll still say I love you,
Speaker 7: Or there'll be a time when before I go to
Speaker 7: work that if she's still mad at me and we're
Speaker 7: not talking much, I will still say I love you.
Speaker 2: Good good.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 6: So I'm going to rephrase my question a little bit. No,
Speaker 6: I'm not going to rephrase my question. I'm gonna ask
Speaker 6: a different question than the husband. You can take the
Speaker 6: floor in moments where you are trying to express how
Speaker 6: you're feeling and she interrupts or she we can say
Speaker 6: bulldozer or whatever the case may be, or starts to
Speaker 6: speak for you. Have you ever said, yeah, you just
Speaker 6: interrupted me, let me finish my sentence. That's not my thought,
Speaker 6: whatever the case may be, I have Okay, And how
Speaker 6: does that usually play out?
Speaker 7: Usually it turns out turns into one of us being
Speaker 7: angry over one another.
Speaker 6: So everything that Addie just said about you need to
Speaker 6: come to me and tell me the truth and all
Speaker 6: those kinds of things and heightened emotions that still may
Speaker 6: be true, but that's not what's happening. It sounds like
Speaker 6: there is a punishment for the honesty because it's taken personally,
Speaker 6: and that's something that has to be resolved or the
Speaker 6: things that you just said are not true. There is
Speaker 6: no action follow up behind it.
Speaker 3: Y'all. When we are in.
Speaker 6: Conversations and we were like, hey, I don't like that.
Speaker 6: You need to take a step back and not take
Speaker 6: it personally and recognize that your person is trying to
Speaker 6: fix the relationship. Because if this is not something that's addressed,
Speaker 6: resentment's gonna build.
Speaker 3: You need you don't need.
Speaker 5: Well.
Speaker 6: I would highly recommend a safe word for conversations. So
Speaker 6: low quat, Zucchini, Teddy Bear, I just you just interrupted me.
Speaker 6: Addie can say, I like I'm not being heard. I
Speaker 6: feel like you're shutting down emotionally, whatever the case.
Speaker 3: Movie.
Speaker 6: Once Zucchini has said, it is understood that there was
Speaker 6: a boundary crossed within the relationship and we are now
Speaker 6: going to take a forty five minute break to calm
Speaker 6: back down before we come back and revisit and try
Speaker 6: to solve what's going on. Resolution will not be found
Speaker 6: in conflict.
Speaker 5: I've heard you say that before, and I really agree
Speaker 5: with it. But I think something that I need to
Speaker 5: mention and that maybe my husband isn't realizing, is that
Speaker 5: if he thinks back to less than six months ago,
Speaker 5: I was when we were, not that we've had many arguments.
Speaker 5: As of recently, the last few I would say three
Speaker 5: ish months, maybe maybe a little longer. We haven't had
Speaker 5: really many any disagreements. The only time I would interrub
Speaker 5: would be at by accident and then immediately apologize. But like, hey,
Speaker 5: I have this thought in the middle of a conversation.
Speaker 5: So I've really been working on interrupting and listening to
Speaker 5: what many times that I would say that is not
Speaker 5: accurate is if he immediate, if he if something he
Speaker 5: says triggers my trauma, trauma from paths where it kind
Speaker 5: of like takes me out for a minute and I
Speaker 5: just kind of zone out. That's the only time sometimes
Speaker 5: where I still struggle and I interrupt or like I
Speaker 5: freak out a little bit. It just takes me a
Speaker 5: minute to kind of come back and be like, hey, no,
Speaker 5: we're healthy, we're good, this is my husband, we're safe,
Speaker 5: we're cool, you know, whatever the case. But just in
Speaker 5: the last I would say, you know, ninety days, interrupting
Speaker 5: has been it's been so much less than it was
Speaker 5: been before I've been actively working on this, and I
Speaker 5: feel like he's using the interruption as a crutch to
Speaker 5: say that he can't express his emotions. But I've had
Speaker 5: him at night where he had a nightmare or he's
Speaker 5: just in he's crying in in sleep, shaking, having a
Speaker 5: panic attack, and I'm sitting there with him until he
Speaker 5: comes out of it, just like he does to me.
Speaker 5: And now these attacks have not happened, thankfully, in a while.
Speaker 5: But I find that those happen the most when he's
Speaker 5: hiding his emotions and I try to probe and I
Speaker 5: just find he shuts down more and I can't I
Speaker 5: can't find a way over that wall. And that's where
Speaker 5: my struggle has been because I've been using these tips
Speaker 5: from your previous podcast and stuff in terms of communication skills,
Speaker 5: and I'm just I'm not sure what I should do
Speaker 5: next because those probing questions not automatically assuming his emotion.
Speaker 5: I don't assume he's angry, mad, happy, sad anything. I'm specific,
Speaker 5: try to be as specific as possible, ask how he's
Speaker 5: feeling things like that, and I still find he won't
Speaker 5: communicate with me in less about his emotions unless he's
Speaker 5: he's bubbling over already, and I want that part to
Speaker 5: stop happening and to heal that.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 4: You want to go or you want me to. Okay,
Speaker 4: I have a whole lot to touch on before we
Speaker 4: go any further. You said a whole lot of things
Speaker 4: that I had wrote down, and I love that we're
Speaker 4: on the same page of a lot of shit. Yeah,
Speaker 4: you covered a whole lot of things that I don't
Speaker 4: have to cover, but I still want to cover some things.
Speaker 4: The other thing that I want to get into is
Speaker 4: I want to remind you guys again that this is
Speaker 4: very healthy communication right now, Like you're learning and you're evolving,
Speaker 4: and I know I can hear it in your voice
Speaker 4: that there is a little bit of tension happening right now.
Speaker 4: You need to take a breath and let that shit go,
Speaker 4: because this is healthy growth. This is how we learn
Speaker 4: to communicate effectively. You said that you probe, and you
Speaker 4: do the tips that we do, but what you're failing
Speaker 4: to do is properly communicate. Negated everything that he said,
Speaker 4: you then removed his reality. If we were standing in
Speaker 4: a field together and you were convinced that a flower
Speaker 4: there was pink, and I was like, nope, it's a
Speaker 4: yellow magenta. It's not even real color, just making it up,
Speaker 4: and you're like, nope, it's pink, and I tried to
Speaker 4: convince you otherwise. Your reality is that that fucking flower
Speaker 4: is pink, and if I see it as yellow magenta,
Speaker 4: it's yellow magenta. It doesn't mean that you're right. It
Speaker 4: doesn't mean that I'm right. It means that we are
Speaker 4: viewing the world differently. He told you how he feels
Speaker 4: you took the last four years condensed into what's happening
Speaker 4: in the past ninety days, as if that negates the
Speaker 4: other three years and seven months of your life, three
Speaker 4: years and nine months of your life, and that things
Speaker 4: are just better now, regardless of real shit. I'm glad
Speaker 4: that you've been making efforts. I'm glad that you two
Speaker 4: are communicated and trying. But just because things are different
Speaker 4: now doesn't mean that the expressions the feelings, the built
Speaker 4: up resentment, the insecurities, the training that has been there
Speaker 4: is going to go away. Ivy was trained by a
Speaker 4: dog trainer three or four years ago, and she still
Speaker 4: does all of the commands that she was given, even
Speaker 4: though she doesn't have to live that life anymore, because
Speaker 4: that's been instilled in her. I have a whole lot
Speaker 4: of notes, so I'm gonna just run through them real quick.
Speaker 4: I was going to ask her to repeat back what
Speaker 4: he said, and then you did it like four times,
Speaker 4: and I was like, oh, there goes that one. So
Speaker 4: I want you guys to start repeating back to each
Speaker 4: other what was said. The next thing is is you
Speaker 4: have to fucking let him talk. Yes, there needs to
Speaker 4: be a safe word is coming, So we're gonna just
Speaker 4: jump into that as well. Like you said, there needs
Speaker 4: to be a safe word. There needs to be an
Speaker 4: indicator of I'm done. There needs to be a pause
Speaker 4: if she starts talking and you're not finished yet, or
Speaker 4: you still have thoughts and she's going you can raise
Speaker 4: your hand. Something needs to be indicated that you're not
Speaker 4: finished yet, so that she can write things down what
Speaker 4: she needs to address and then actively listen to what's
Speaker 4: going on, repeat things back, make sure that you understand
Speaker 4: what's going on, and fucking hear each other. Your perception
Speaker 4: is your reality. His perception is his reality. The way
Speaker 4: that you view the world is not going to be identical. Ever,
Speaker 4: your live life experiences, your past traumas and triggers, past relationships,
Speaker 4: live life experiences are going to dictate the way that
Speaker 4: you view things. Stop saying but when you were thank
Speaker 4: you for telling me this is going to make a
Speaker 4: relationship better, blah blah blah blah blah. But everything that
Speaker 4: you said before that butt was negated because you had
Speaker 4: something else that had nothing to do with anything.
Speaker 2: So you you.
Speaker 4: Wrote your repair. It was very very very nicely written
Speaker 4: on the board. It was underlined, exclamation points, grammar, and
Speaker 4: shit was perfect and you said button. You just wipe
Speaker 4: that shit right the fuck off. So it didn't even
Speaker 4: have time to sit before you started going on with
Speaker 4: the other things. If somebody comes to you and says, hey,
Speaker 4: I don't like the way this makes me feel, or
Speaker 4: this is what I'm going through, there's a lot of
Speaker 4: people who have the urge to go well, that's not
Speaker 4: what I meant, or I was only intending this or
Speaker 4: I wanted to do that. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 4: The only thing that you need to say. And this
Speaker 4: is so fucking hard. It was a lot for us.
Speaker 4: It's still hard for me because I want to fix everything. Okay,
Speaker 4: this is what I'm hearing. That sounds like it really sucks,
Speaker 4: and I'm sorry that I did that to you. I'll
Speaker 4: work on it, and then new journal about it, and
Speaker 4: you think about what you want to say. In a
Speaker 4: couple of days, come back and be like, hey, I've
Speaker 4: been really thinking about what you said, and I can
Speaker 4: see this in da da da da da, and then
Speaker 4: you can have a discussion about it.
Speaker 2: But in the moment, they don't need that shit. They
Speaker 2: need to be heard.
Speaker 4: And if if somebody is coming to you with a
Speaker 4: problem and they are not able to get that problem
Speaker 4: out and they're not able to be heard, you're showing
Speaker 4: them that you're not, for a lack of a better turn,
Speaker 4: you don't care right Like, they're not able to fully
Speaker 4: express what's going on, You're not safe. I covered everything else.
Speaker 4: I did all of that in one shot. Do you
Speaker 4: have anything you write notes too?
Speaker 6: I have a bunch of notes, but the one that's
Speaker 6: most important to me is hobby. Do you agree with
Speaker 6: the perspective that over the last ninety days her interrupting
Speaker 6: you has gotten better?
Speaker 8: Yes?
Speaker 4: Okay, do you acknowledge that in the moment, it's like, hey,
Speaker 4: I appreciate these things. Words of affirmations are a big deal.
Speaker 4: It's like giving a dog a treat.
Speaker 8: Yeah, so real quick. Going back to one of the
Speaker 8: other topics, the.
Speaker 7: Me treating her more than she wants to treat me,
Speaker 7: I haven't really been feeling myself as been like I
Speaker 7: want her to get me something nice.
Speaker 8: Is more of I want her.
Speaker 7: I want to get her stuff so that way, you know,
Speaker 7: it makes me feel better that I'm giving her what
Speaker 7: she needs.
Speaker 3: That makes sense.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the duty of man.
Speaker 6: And right tying that into the love languages, you are
Speaker 6: not a gift receiver, You're a gift giver, and that's
Speaker 6: my husband.
Speaker 3: Yep, real shit.
Speaker 6: In the beginning, there was a level of I need
Speaker 6: to give my husband gifts in return so that he
Speaker 6: can see that I appreciate and value him just as
Speaker 6: much as he values me.
Speaker 3: But you hated that shit. I remember once I got
Speaker 3: you two T shirts.
Speaker 7: I even wrote her a whole letter while I was
Speaker 7: at work because I had nothing to do for about
Speaker 7: six hours on like the whole reason of it, but
Speaker 7: like it, it's mainly of just seeing her smile that's
Speaker 7: been making me feel better.
Speaker 8: And I tell her that, like I don't need much.
Speaker 7: The only thing I need is like stuff that is
Speaker 7: just like a monthly paint, subscription to things, just a soda.
Speaker 7: That's literally all my me receiving a gift the nicest
Speaker 7: of I go big for her when I can. Other
Speaker 7: than that, it's like I don't want to chew to
Speaker 7: go big, just you know, I just need. I just
Speaker 7: want this small thing.
Speaker 2: That's it.
Speaker 3: What's this small thing that you want from her?
Speaker 7: Uh So I'm a big gamer. So right now, it's
Speaker 7: just the subscription for my monthly that that's literally the
Speaker 7: small gift.
Speaker 8: That I accept.
Speaker 6: I don't want to deviate too far away from the conversations, right,
Speaker 6: like the the conversation conversation, but to go into right,
Speaker 6: you're not a gift receiving guy, So what are other
Speaker 6: ways that you would feel comfortable with your wife showing
Speaker 6: her love and devotion and dedication appreciation towards you. Does
Speaker 6: that look like dedicating two hours every Friday and cuddling
Speaker 6: on the couch and watching movies.
Speaker 3: You know, quality time?
Speaker 6: Does that look like putting the phones away for an
Speaker 6: hour every Friday night and sitting down having super philosophical conversations.
Speaker 3: What are other ways that she can express her love
Speaker 3: to you?
Speaker 7: So the way we used to do it was I
Speaker 7: would have the weekends off, So Saturdays would usually be
Speaker 7: the days that I would take my time just to
Speaker 7: you know, relax myself from work, and Sundays would be
Speaker 7: the days that we spend the whole day together. After
Speaker 7: I've done laundry, after I made uspooon, we would sit down.
Speaker 8: We would watch NonStop Enemy.
Speaker 6: So you guys just have a bunch of quality time together. Yeah,
Speaker 6: how has that changed?
Speaker 7: Well, it's gonna be different now because it's not gonna
Speaker 7: be weekends like we want it.
Speaker 8: But because I had I got a promotion in my job.
Speaker 8: So now it's one week I will have the weekends,
Speaker 8: one week I won't.
Speaker 7: So there's still there's gonna be more quality time with
Speaker 7: her on certain days.
Speaker 8: That way, you know, we're more with each other than
Speaker 8: we need to be.
Speaker 5: I think my issue is is that lately, when we've
Speaker 5: been having our quality time. I feel like it's only
Speaker 5: like if you will partial quality time because we're watching
Speaker 5: Naruto the animates to Prudence specifically, we're in the fourth War.
Speaker 5: It's magical, but we'll be in that arc and he's
Speaker 5: on his phone while we're watching the show, and it
Speaker 5: just to me, it doesn't feel as much as quality
Speaker 5: time because he's he's not putting his like full effort
Speaker 5: I guess into it. Whereas I'm like fully watching the show.
Speaker 5: I'm not on my phone. I'm just you know, enjoying it.
Speaker 5: And I feel like that's where I feel like it's
Speaker 5: enough because during that time, I feel like he's distracted.
Speaker 6: So this is my husband and I yep, my husband
Speaker 6: could be totally engrossed in a show and he's going
Speaker 6: to have his phone in his hand, playing a game,
Speaker 6: or checking emails or looking at business TikTok, whatever the
Speaker 6: case may be. My my husband And this is just
Speaker 6: from my perspective. I am not speaking for his existence
Speaker 6: as his wife. This is how I right, because as
Speaker 6: humans we fill in the blanks and we fill in
Speaker 6: with stories. The way that I view my husband and
Speaker 6: how his brain works, he has lived a life of
Speaker 6: distraction and you know, through his childhood into adulthood, there
Speaker 6: was a level of security in having multiple things going
Speaker 6: on at once. You my husband gets very uncomfortable not
Speaker 6: having his hands doing something, so there is a level of.
Speaker 3: Chaos.
Speaker 6: We can say that he has become adapted to in
Speaker 6: his life that if he is just sitting there with
Speaker 6: one type of stimulation, it could increase his anxiety, it
Speaker 6: could induce spiraling all of these other kinds of things.
Speaker 6: So I totally get the perspective of he's disengaged right now.
Speaker 6: My husband and I've had multiple conversations of I feel
Speaker 6: like you are not spending quality time with me because
Speaker 6: you're engaged on your phone versus watching TV. And it's
Speaker 6: taken those multiple conversations and me being open to perspective
Speaker 6: and different life experiences to understand that this is just
Speaker 6: how my husband's brain works. Very rarely does he miss
Speaker 6: what's going on in the show. There are times where
Speaker 6: he will be on his phone and I am actively
Speaker 6: watching because I don't have my phone in my hand,
Speaker 6: and I will still have to ask him what just happened,
Speaker 6: and he can fill me in almost to a tea
Speaker 6: because he is more engaged because of what is going
Speaker 6: on with his hands, he can listen better versus what's
Speaker 6: going on in his mind.
Speaker 2: I love you, God, I fucking love you so much.
Speaker 3: I love you too.
Speaker 4: There's a whole lot about everything that you said that
Speaker 4: I'm not even gonna get into it because a lot
Speaker 4: of it it is personal, and that's our thing. You're
Speaker 4: both engaged in something other than each other, and that's
Speaker 4: how I view that. If you're very immersed in the
Speaker 4: TV show and he's immersed in his phone, and you
Speaker 4: guys are in the same room, if he's able to
Speaker 4: still know what's going on in the show, you are
Speaker 4: still doing that thing together. We get so caught up
Speaker 4: in wanting people to do what we want them to
Speaker 4: do and live the way we want them to live
Speaker 4: that we fail to realize that there are different enjoyments
Speaker 4: and different things. I could not be doing the same thing.
Speaker 4: You could be playing video games, and I could be
Speaker 4: laying on the couch next to you, and I'm having
Speaker 4: the time of my fucking life because we're in the
Speaker 4: same room together, being lazy and enjoying ourselves. That matters
Speaker 4: more to me than watching a TV show I'm only
Speaker 4: half interested in. And that's part of being married. You're
Speaker 4: not gonna be fully engaged in a show all the time.
Speaker 4: We watch Fire Country, and like, after season one of
Speaker 4: that show, I lost all interest, and like I still
Speaker 4: watched it because you enjoyed it, loved the final season
Speaker 4: or the final episode of the last season. I thoroughly
Speaker 4: enjoyed that shit, But like, I watched that show because
Speaker 4: you want to watch that show. So if I'm playing
Speaker 4: my game in Discord and talking to Jeff about work
Speaker 4: while watching that show, my brain can do all of
Speaker 4: that at the same time. I also know that my
Speaker 4: brain doesn't operate away the way a lot of people do,
Speaker 4: and like I don't. I don't do well with downtime period.
Speaker 4: So again, I feel really seen right now. There's been
Speaker 4: a lot of times in our relationship where we've looked
Speaker 4: at each other and be like, I fucking see you,
Speaker 4: and like we always know what that means. That was
Speaker 4: a very good moment for me, just knowing I really
Speaker 4: appreciate you, I love you, I love you well.
Speaker 5: Chris, apparently you're Sime's twin to my husband, because he
Speaker 5: feels the exact same way about Fire Country, and this
Speaker 5: whole time he's just been nodding, it says ted rapidly,
Speaker 5: yes at me.
Speaker 6: So, so was that about fire Country or are you
Speaker 6: relating to the way that my husband experiences life.
Speaker 5: That way.
Speaker 7: In both ways because like, well, watching our hotel and
Speaker 7: she'll be getting mad at me that I'm on my phone.
Speaker 7: I was like, I'm paying more attention than you because
Speaker 7: you've asked me three questions about this same episode and
Speaker 7: we're already on the next episode it and I'm playing
Speaker 7: my game on my phone while still paying attention because
Speaker 7: I've learned to multitask when it comes to.
Speaker 8: Playing a game and watching videos at the same time.
Speaker 4: There are a lot of people out there that tell
Speaker 4: that will tell you that there's no such thing as
Speaker 4: multitasking and that if you're multitasking, you're not actually giving
Speaker 4: your full attention to something. And there's a truth in that,
Speaker 4: But there's also the truth in understanding that some of
Speaker 4: us need to fidget and move and walk and do
Speaker 4: in order to retain what's happening because it's not happening
Speaker 4: fast enough, Like I have to listen to audiobooks super
Speaker 4: fucking quick otherwise I can't do it. And real shit,
Speaker 4: like I'm watching tiktoks at two and three times a
Speaker 4: speed now because I don't me too with my YouTube video,
Speaker 4: I just can't. So like, I need you to get
Speaker 4: to the fucking point. If I'm watching a YouTube video
Speaker 4: because I need to learn about one thing and it's
Speaker 4: forty five minutes and I'm looking for six seconds of information,
Speaker 4: I'm not watching that.
Speaker 8: Get you'll skip through.
Speaker 4: Yes, we'll kind of life to live homie, right, Yeah,
Speaker 4: there's a whole lot of a whole lot of my
Speaker 4: life needs to be tailored to the way that my
Speaker 4: brain works. And unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't
Speaker 4: work like my brain, so I have to navigate it
Speaker 4: to make it do what I want it to do.
Speaker 3: Adapt it.
Speaker 4: But I read, play video games, and listen to music
Speaker 4: or YouTube videos at the same time, So like I'll
Speaker 4: have magic the gathering open while researching a document, reading
Speaker 4: the law of one, and watching YouTube shit at the
Speaker 4: same time. It's it's wild and I can retain all three.
Speaker 2: Of it at the same time. Do you have anything
Speaker 2: else you guys want to get into.
Speaker 4: I think at this point we've covered a whole lot,
Speaker 4: and I don't want to overinundate you guys with information
Speaker 4: I feel like this has been a very productive call.
Speaker 5: Yes, I think, yeah, pretty much everything honestly. Oh, I
Speaker 5: do have one question. Can you give me a few
Speaker 5: questions that I can ask to not necessarily hell, but
Speaker 5: kind of break the eyes when he's having an emotion
Speaker 5: and I can see something's going on but he's not
Speaker 5: communicating yet. You just said to pro but I just
Speaker 5: I don't feel like maybe I'm asking the right questions.
Speaker 4: Well, so, first of all, you need to stop doing
Speaker 4: this about you, you having this need to figure out
Speaker 4: what's going on and try to have him communicate with
Speaker 4: you as a youth thing. If he's not coming to
Speaker 4: you to talk to you about what's going on, he
Speaker 4: either hasn't processed it yet or he's not ready to
Speaker 4: talk about it. There's a whole lot of times in
Speaker 4: life where Peaches will come to me and ask me
Speaker 4: a question and I'll be like, we'll get there, or
Speaker 4: I'll be like, I'm not ready to have that discussion yet.
Speaker 4: Let me finish working it through my head so that
Speaker 4: we can have an intelligent conversation. Or she gets to
Speaker 4: the exact opposite and I just word vomit all the
Speaker 4: fuck over her and then afterwards, I'm like, did that
Speaker 4: even make sense? And she's like yep, And that's the
Speaker 4: end of it because I got it out and we're good.
Speaker 4: It would be better for you to if you think
Speaker 4: he's not okay, just simply ask him, like, Hey, where's
Speaker 4: your headspace at right now? That's a great question. Where's
Speaker 4: your headspace? Is there anything that I can do for you?
Speaker 4: What do you need for me? And anything beyond those
Speaker 4: basic questions. If you think he's off, love him, love
Speaker 4: on him, lay on him, put your head in his
Speaker 4: fucking lap, Like there's intimate things that you could be doing.
Speaker 4: Real shit, you guys, are you remember the tiktoks that
Speaker 4: people were making about how the touch of a partner
Speaker 4: can make everything in a head go silent. That's my
Speaker 4: fucking reality with you all the time. I made tiktoks
Speaker 4: about it in the beginning, Like that was one of
Speaker 4: the first tiktoks that we made that blew up. My
Speaker 4: head is loud constantly when my face is in your
Speaker 4: hands and we're making eye contact or we're sharing forehead breath,
Speaker 4: like that shit stops. It's dead silent, and it's the
Speaker 4: only time in my life that my mind is silent
Speaker 4: other than when I'm unconscious. I need those moments. I
Speaker 4: need the reprieve for me and you laying on me,
Speaker 4: or me laying on you and us having that physical
Speaker 4: touch makes that go away. He may not be a
Speaker 4: physical touch person in an aspect, but I'm willing to
Speaker 4: bet that if you ask most men, that's a great
Speaker 4: moment for us. You lay on a couch with our
Speaker 4: head and our lap and just play on your phone
Speaker 4: and let's just existence in time and space for a
Speaker 4: little while. Like that fucking recharges my bad man. You'd
Speaker 4: be surprised at what that does for us. But don't
Speaker 4: make it about you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, my answer to that is, don't try to label
Speaker 6: what you think he's going through. So instead of approaching
Speaker 6: him and saying are you angry or I feel like
Speaker 6: you're frustrated, say something along the line of I feel
Speaker 6: like your vibe is off, I feel like your energy
Speaker 6: is not where it usually is, And you can even
Speaker 6: throw in there, you can tell me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 6: My emotional seeking device might need a calibration. There is
Speaker 6: a very real projection that happens. There are times where
Speaker 6: my vibe is off and I'm checking in with my husband,
Speaker 6: because I know I'm not okay and I need to
Speaker 6: make sure you're okay. So if he says there's nothing
Speaker 6: going on, you need to believe him. But in turn, Hove,
Speaker 6: you need to be honest about that. When you say
Speaker 6: that there's nothing going on, there actually needs to be
Speaker 6: nothing going on. If you do have something going on
Speaker 6: and your woman comes up to you and she was like, hey,
Speaker 6: the vibe is off. Is there anything you want to
Speaker 6: talk about? Not yet, but I did think of something
Speaker 6: today that's kind of put me in a dark place. Yeah,
Speaker 6: I'm gonna be okay. It's not about us. We are fine.
Speaker 6: I just need to process this before I bring it
Speaker 6: to the table.
Speaker 2: Always hit them with we're good. Yeah, Always hit them
Speaker 2: with unless you're not good. Yeah.
Speaker 4: But if you're having relationship problems, it's a different conversation.
Speaker 4: But always let your partner know that things are good.
Speaker 4: I'm working through things right now. Let me let me
Speaker 4: get a cohesive thought together and we'll have a discussion.
Speaker 4: I don't want to sound dumb. I don't want to
Speaker 4: be overly emotional. I'm not ready to talk about it.
Speaker 4: It's okay to not be ready to discuss some shit.
Speaker 4: As long as you're willing to address and process and
Speaker 4: then actually, you know, let that shit out. You guys,
Speaker 4: can't You can't suppress. Yes, you can only put so
Speaker 4: much into a bottle before the bottle explodes. That's why
Speaker 4: we do the after reaction reviews. There's times where we
Speaker 4: have arguments and then have well we don't have arguments,
Speaker 4: we have disruptions, but then we have a follow up
Speaker 4: discussion about it a day or two later. If there
Speaker 4: needs to be ones that we can understand the way
Speaker 4: that we behaved or why we did the thing we did,
Speaker 4: or whatever.
Speaker 2: The case may be.
Speaker 4: Because conflict resolution or resolution doesn't happen in conflict, that
Speaker 4: happens after the fact. There's got to be time to process.
Speaker 4: Emotions have to cool off, like there's a whole lot
Speaker 4: of that that it's a thing.
Speaker 6: So yeah, and there also has to be a level
Speaker 6: of acceptance. Addie, Right, if he processes something and all
Speaker 6: he gives you is I overcame it and I'm a
Speaker 6: better person because of it, and that's all he wants
Speaker 6: to say.
Speaker 3: That's all you're going to get.
Speaker 6: The more that you try to probe and gather more
Speaker 6: information that may not be yours right, the more of
Speaker 6: a violation that can happen. But also in turn, if
Speaker 6: he does want to talk about it again, that's one
Speaker 6: of those things where you just have to sit there
Speaker 6: and listen to it. Don't try to fix it, don't
Speaker 6: try to problem solve unless he specifically asks. I don't
Speaker 6: know what to do in this situation, and I need
Speaker 6: your help. I feel like I said a lot there.
Speaker 4: We yeah, we got, We've covered a lot in this episode.
Speaker 4: This is this has been, I believe, a very productive
Speaker 4: thing both of them, and I honestly think if you
Speaker 4: guys sit back and listen to this again and you
Speaker 4: approach it from a place of neutrality and you start
Speaker 4: implementing things that'll change your life, Like you guys will
Speaker 4: find yourself in a very different relationship because of it.
Speaker 4: These these little tweaks is like tuning up an engine.
Speaker 4: Like your car may run good, but if you go
Speaker 4: through and you just tighten everything down and make sure
Speaker 4: things are lubricated and running properly, you're gonna get a
Speaker 4: lot more out of it.
Speaker 2: So it does it. It doesn't take much to just make.
Speaker 4: Sure that things get their their you know, maintenance, And
Speaker 4: that's what communicating is. It's what the check ins are,
Speaker 4: it's it's general maintenance of your life.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think this is definitely something we needed to do.
Speaker 5: What about you use your words?
Speaker 2: Don't do that?
Speaker 5: Well, you guys can't see him not.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but but you're not talking he's you were talking
Speaker 4: to him. So if you were able to see him, not,
Speaker 4: that's that's enough. There's a whole whole lot of let
Speaker 4: this man live his life.
Speaker 11: You know.
Speaker 6: There is a certain level right that and this just
Speaker 6: came into my mind. This could totally be left field
Speaker 6: and inaccurate, but for anybody listening who can relate to this,
Speaker 6: it does something for somebody. There is also a level
Speaker 6: of inducing if I have to perform to make someone happy,
Speaker 6: not saying that hobby feels that way, but that is
Speaker 6: just to see the plant to think about.
Speaker 4: So how do how do we close this out? I
Speaker 4: didn't think that through.
Speaker 3: I didn't think that through either.
Speaker 4: Okay, So then final thoughts. Do you guys have anything
Speaker 4: else that you want to get into before we wrap up?
Speaker 2: How about that?
Speaker 3: That's good?
Speaker 8: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Okay, I don't have a question, but I don't know
Speaker 5: if I can ask it. And it's not a relationship question.
Speaker 5: It's for peaches.
Speaker 4: Guys, if this is something that you've enjoyed and you
Speaker 4: would like to be on the show, you can send
Speaker 4: an email to Chris at Tobbetter dot com list of
Speaker 4: things of what you want to do and make sure
Speaker 4: that your partner's on board. If you send an email
Speaker 4: and you're like, my partner's not into this, we're not
Speaker 4: doing it like this is going to be a two
Speaker 4: way street. That needs to be both of you willing
Speaker 4: to try to actively improve your lives. And if that's
Speaker 4: something that appeals to you, please send us an email.
Speaker 4: I will do what I can to try to facilitate
Speaker 4: that if it aligns with what we're doing. Anything you
Speaker 4: want to add for final thoughts, hot on this.
Speaker 6: To Hovey and Addie. Thank you guys for putting yourselves
Speaker 6: out there like this. I know that this may have
Speaker 6: not been an easy decision. I know it may have
Speaker 6: caused anxiety or you know, like, oh my god, what
Speaker 6: are they going to say? Are we going to walk
Speaker 6: away from this better? Is it going to cause tension
Speaker 6: or frustration? I hope that you guys walk away with
Speaker 6: this with some golden nuggets. And I truly hope that
Speaker 6: this conversation with us has brought you, guys or will
Speaker 6: bring you guys closer together with better understanding of each
Speaker 6: other and of yourselves and the relationship. A couple of
Speaker 6: comments from the YouTube channel everybody thanks you guys for
Speaker 6: being willing to do this, so people got a lot
Speaker 6: from this conversation. I think in putting your guys' self
Speaker 6: out here like this, you are going to help a
Speaker 6: lot of people. And I think that by proxy a
Speaker 6: lot of marriages and relationships can be saved from the
Speaker 6: conversations that we're had tonight.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and thank you for trusting us.
Speaker 8: And with that being thank you for thank you for listening.
Speaker 5: Actually and helping us. We appreciate it.
Speaker 3: Oh that just made me a little bit of emotion. You
Speaker 3: guys are very welcome.
Speaker 6: It's an honor to be able to have these conversations
Speaker 6: and try our best to help you guys find the
Speaker 6: joy and love back into the relationship, not that it's
Speaker 6: not there, but to increase it.
Speaker 4: Life of abundance guys. And with that being said, guys,
Speaker 4: remember that you are the author of your own life.
Speaker 4: So grab a pen and we will see you on
Speaker 4: the next one.
Speaker 3: Bye, guys.