WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:11.960 Look up with come all the things on the bottom. 2 00:00:12.119 --> 00:00:16.480 Oh wow, is you You're my favorite view? 3 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:19.399 But there's nothing. 4 00:00:22.760 --> 00:00:25.280 And we are back, Welcome back Bumble. 5 00:00:25.800 --> 00:00:28.160 Today, we are doing something that we have not done 6 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:30.600 in a very long time. Uh and I think that 7 00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:32.520 we've only done two or three times total since we 8 00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:34.679 started the podcast, and we are doing a zoom call 9 00:00:34.679 --> 00:00:38.079 with a couple who is going to treat this almost 10 00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:38.520 the way. 11 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:39.600 That we do couples retreats. 12 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:40.960 They're going to tell us what's going on in their 13 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:42.799 lives and we're going to try to troubleshoot and help them. 14 00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:44.399 And the couple that we have on the call's name 15 00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:47.399 is Addie and Hobby. Anything you want to add before 16 00:00:47.399 --> 00:00:49.119 we just jump right in because this is definitely not 17 00:00:49.200 --> 00:00:52.439 a housekeeping moment. Okay, you guys might see us eating 18 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:55.119 because we're it's dinner time and I'm not ashamed to 19 00:00:55.119 --> 00:00:58.240 eat on cameras, so you may see me eat. She's 20 00:00:58.280 --> 00:01:01.960 looking at like maybe not yeah cause the chewing. Yeah yeah, okay, 21 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:03.320 no problem. 22 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:04.799 We just say jack in the box. 23 00:01:04.840 --> 00:01:07.519 So all good, nice, nice, All right. 24 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:09.920 So what do you guys got going on in your 25 00:01:09.959 --> 00:01:11.560 lives that you wanted to do the zoom call. 26 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:15.400 I'm just saying it's mainly me. My husband is a 27 00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:19.040 very hard working man who does not spend much time 28 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:23.439 on the internet. However, I consume your guys is content 29 00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:27.840 like a good book repeatedly. You guys play in my 30 00:01:27.879 --> 00:01:32.159 house on repeat most of the time. I just find 31 00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:38.000 that I feel we struggle with not only some boundaries 32 00:01:38.480 --> 00:01:42.400 with his parents. I feel like maybe he doesn't he 33 00:01:42.439 --> 00:01:45.120 doesn't always stick up for me to his mother when 34 00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:48.239 I feel he should, and not that his mother isn't great. 35 00:01:48.319 --> 00:01:51.439 She she always goes out of her way to help us, 36 00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:56.280 but she also tends to talk smack to us about 37 00:01:56.480 --> 00:01:59.439 my health when I'm not doing what I'm doing, kind 38 00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:02.920 of coming trying to come into our marriage where I 39 00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:06.640 feel she doesn't be long. And then I also feel 40 00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:12.599 like when I'm upset, he can't necessarily communicate how he's 41 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:16.680 feeling or why he's feeling that way, and I don't 42 00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:21.520 quite get the closures that I need all the time. 43 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:23.639 Okay, you want to start with the un laws, baby, 44 00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:26.680 I would like to hear why. 45 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:32.800 Husband, you agreed to the zoom call before we start 46 00:02:32.840 --> 00:02:33.439 breaking down. 47 00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:40.719 So basically agreed to this because one she she had 48 00:02:40.759 --> 00:02:46.639 me do this because, yeah, I have bad communication skills 49 00:02:46.680 --> 00:02:48.560 most of the time, especially with my emotions. 50 00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:54.120 It's one of the reasons she wanted us to do this. 51 00:02:54.759 --> 00:02:56.520 She asked why you agreed to do it? 52 00:02:57.599 --> 00:03:00.759 Because I agreed for you and because I had that communication. 53 00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:05.199 So just because of the weird cutout, he said that 54 00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:07.879 he wanted to do this because he's not good with 55 00:03:07.919 --> 00:03:10.360 communication and because she asked him too, and he wanted to. 56 00:03:11.879 --> 00:03:13.680 Be there for her. It's a great answer. 57 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:18.479 Yeah, Okay, I'm hung up on this. I can't move pastes. 58 00:03:19.080 --> 00:03:21.120 And I'm not laughing because of the situation. I'm laughing 59 00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:25.599 because of how my brain works. Hobby started answering, and 60 00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:29.560 when we came back, you said specifically she had me 61 00:03:29.639 --> 00:03:32.280 do this the call whatever it was going to lead into. 62 00:03:33.639 --> 00:03:35.360 And then you followed up with you agree that you 63 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:39.400 have poor communication and the emotional aspect of things. And 64 00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:44.080 then Addie jumped in and you corrected the way that 65 00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:49.599 he was answering by re asking my question in a 66 00:03:49.680 --> 00:03:52.560 slightly aggressive tone. I'm not saying that you did that 67 00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:55.159 on purpose. I also, I don't know you, so that 68 00:03:55.240 --> 00:03:57.680 could have just been you as a person, and ask 69 00:03:57.759 --> 00:04:00.479 how I'm reading it with our first interaction, But I 70 00:04:00.520 --> 00:04:02.960 am going to ask did it not sit right with you? 71 00:04:03.080 --> 00:04:06.000 The way that your husband was answering that question, I. 72 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:09.400 Just felt like maybe he didn't maybe because me and 73 00:04:09.439 --> 00:04:12.919 him are both like very adhd. I'm also autistic, just 74 00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:16.879 for a little bit of background, but we tend to 75 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:20.000 like our short term memory is terrible. So I was like, Okay, 76 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:24.040 maybe he didn't remember the exact question, So like, let 77 00:04:24.040 --> 00:04:29.279 me make sure that he knows, because I don't know. 78 00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:34.160 I guess in my brain you can't. You can agree 79 00:04:34.199 --> 00:04:37.120 to do something for somebody else, but the way that 80 00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:40.399 Chris asked the question, that's not the way I interpreted it, 81 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:43.319 I guess. So I was like, let me make sure 82 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:46.959 that he knows like he remembered the question. 83 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:50.959 But yeah, okay, there was no right or wrong answer 84 00:04:50.959 --> 00:04:55.519 to that. Just wanted to see where you were at 85 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:58.199 in that. So now let me ask, Hobby, is that 86 00:04:58.279 --> 00:05:01.040 how that felt came across to you? Because in your response, 87 00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:08.040 it felt like you doubled down a little bit on. 88 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:06.759 On what you said. 89 00:05:07.240 --> 00:05:09.680 So did you feel a little bit defensive, did you 90 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:13.600 feel like you're being corrected or was there an understanding 91 00:05:13.639 --> 00:05:15.199 of that was what was coming across. 92 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:21.600 No, technically, that's just her voice. It seems suggressive sometimes, but. 93 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:28.439 Sometimes she doesn't let me finish completely completing my sentence. 94 00:05:28.680 --> 00:05:32.360 So that's why she interrupted by exiting. 95 00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:36.160 Okay, I want to revisit that, but I want to 96 00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:38.720 continue into the conversations of what Addie had brought up 97 00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:43.399 and see if see if this is a pattern or 98 00:05:45.160 --> 00:05:49.360 because you said that she can interrupt, not saying that 99 00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:50.079 that's a bad thing. 100 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:54.600 Yeah, my mind is just very short circuited. So especially 101 00:05:54.600 --> 00:05:57.079 like when we're having a conversation, I would say and 102 00:05:57.240 --> 00:06:00.879 like she said something that sparked something in me, and 103 00:06:00.920 --> 00:06:03.800 then my ADHD kind of goes off on a rabbit 104 00:06:03.800 --> 00:06:05.959 hole trail for a minute, so he has to bring 105 00:06:06.040 --> 00:06:08.079 me back to what we were talking about. Or sometimes 106 00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:11.000 he'll forget to you know, that kind of thing. But 107 00:06:11.079 --> 00:06:15.839 it's not meant like in either like a disrespect or 108 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:18.040 I don't think he knows what he's talking about. It's 109 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:20.000 just something sparks in my brain that if I don't 110 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:23.519 tell you, I'm gonna lose it. And it happens a lot. 111 00:06:23.639 --> 00:06:25.120 I'll lose what I was gonna say. 112 00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:27.839 Are you waiting on me to speak? 113 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:29.639 Yeah, yeah, I feel like you got something to said. 114 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:31.839 Well, I mean I have a lot to say. My 115 00:06:32.199 --> 00:06:34.600 two big things though, is that the cutting somebody off, 116 00:06:34.680 --> 00:06:37.720 even if it's not a malicious way, You're training your 117 00:06:37.759 --> 00:06:40.199 person to stop speaking when you start talking, and they 118 00:06:40.199 --> 00:06:43.319 will get to a point where they're going to find 119 00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:46.920 the inability to speak to you because every time they're 120 00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:49.680 wanting to say something, they get cut off. And it's 121 00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:53.519 a psychologic or a subconscious training. It's something that you're 122 00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:55.160 aware that you do, which means you need to work 123 00:06:55.199 --> 00:06:58.879 on it. And the other thing was the the correction. 124 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:04.439 The Yattman Institute says that correcting your partner on small things, 125 00:07:05.040 --> 00:07:07.519 on anything, really doing the correction. If somebody's telling a 126 00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:09.639 story and like twelve years ago and you're like it's thirteen, 127 00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:12.439 like that shit does not help the story at all. 128 00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:15.439 That minute detail doesn't matter, But you correcting your person 129 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:17.879 like that becomes an embarrassing thing to them. And the 130 00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:20.439 Gotman Institute says that that's one of those things that 131 00:07:20.560 --> 00:07:23.680 is a marker when they are looking for couples to 132 00:07:23.680 --> 00:07:25.839 whether they're going to make it or not. So like 133 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:30.839 correcting your person is a huge no, you know, especially 134 00:07:30.920 --> 00:07:32.519 in like public settings. If you need to have a 135 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:35.920 discussion afterwards about things, you can do that. But I'm 136 00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:37.560 not sure if we've talked about that a whole lot 137 00:07:37.600 --> 00:07:39.800 on the podcast. So I wanted to excuse me. I 138 00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:42.319 just wanted to put that out there so that it 139 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:45.759 was known. All right, those are my two big things. 140 00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:48.519 I figured you got a shit ton of notes already, so. 141 00:07:48.680 --> 00:07:50.959 Uh no, this is just for me keeping track. 142 00:07:52.439 --> 00:07:56.040 I retain better not only when I hear it, when 143 00:07:56.040 --> 00:07:58.240 when I write it down. That's how I process the 144 00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:01.680 important facts to me, and I filter. I agree with 145 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:05.079 those both points. Both of those points I don't want. 146 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.399 I don't want anybody to feel bad about that, right 147 00:08:08.160 --> 00:08:10.600 Addie for you interrupting, like, don't feel like you are 148 00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:13.279 a bad person or fill in the blank with the 149 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:15.920 negative thing. These are the small, minute things I get 150 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:20.199 overlooked often in a relationship, and these are the small 151 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:22.079 things that will lead people to I don't understand how 152 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:24.560 this became a big fight, right right, because it's those small, 153 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:31.120 subconscious frustrations that chip away at the foundation. Gentle perspective, 154 00:08:31.680 --> 00:08:32.360 gentle correction. 155 00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:34.039 Yes, there's a whole lot of things that have to 156 00:08:34.039 --> 00:08:36.799 happen in doing these things. It's like the karate kid, 157 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:39.440 the wax on wax off thing where he's sand index 158 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:41.799 and painting houses and all that shit is to teach 159 00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:45.919 you how to end the moment, react or respond accordingly 160 00:08:45.960 --> 00:08:49.159 to situations. So when we give you these minor corrections 161 00:08:49.320 --> 00:08:50.840 of the way that you talk to each other, this 162 00:08:50.919 --> 00:08:53.799 is so that when you have big things, the work 163 00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:55.679 has already been done and it makes it very easy 164 00:08:55.720 --> 00:08:58.960 to do the thing. I just heard it click, the yes, 165 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:01.679 it builds the foundation. I heard a click. I thought 166 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:04.440 we lost everything again. They're still there though. 167 00:09:04.480 --> 00:09:11.679 Okay, so let's jump into so you said mainly me, Addie. 168 00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:14.399 When we asked what why are we here? What's the 169 00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:16.759 purpose of the call? You said mainly me? And then 170 00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:23.639 you went into struggles with the boundaries and then how 171 00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:25.600 he does not how you feel? Right, I'm not going 172 00:09:25.679 --> 00:09:27.080 to say that he doesn't what it's not a fact 173 00:09:27.159 --> 00:09:29.799 you feel that he does not stand up for you 174 00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:33.879 in regards the mom who oversteps boundaries? Why do you 175 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:37.440 feel like that's a you thing? First, let's start there. 176 00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:45.399 So we have been together a little over four years. 177 00:09:46.759 --> 00:09:52.840 We got married two years ago. Now, in that whole 178 00:09:53.000 --> 00:09:57.559 span of our relationship. His side of the family has 179 00:09:57.720 --> 00:10:02.480 a lot of Type too diabetics, whereas I am a 180 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:08.759 genetic Type one diabetic, meaning I don't produce any insulin 181 00:10:08.799 --> 00:10:14.519 at all. Whereas Type twos, it's normally based on their lifestyle. 182 00:10:14.600 --> 00:10:17.080 They can take a pill to you know, activate more 183 00:10:17.120 --> 00:10:20.639 insulin production, things like that, But the way that you 184 00:10:20.919 --> 00:10:26.440 care for these two diseases are very, very different, and 185 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:31.399 in my case, my diabetes is intertwined with all of 186 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:37.279 my other health issues. So since I've been with him, 187 00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:42.919 since we've been together, she always makes these sni sidemark 188 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:46.240 comments about how about what I should be eating, how 189 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:49.919 my body looks, what I'm wearing, how I'm acting, what 190 00:10:50.120 --> 00:10:55.679 I'm doing, I'm not doing enough in our household. I'm 191 00:10:56.360 --> 00:11:00.240 I'm not being a good wife she's given me. She's 192 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:04.919 about our financial things, all all just little things that 193 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:08.320 you would think a wife needs to take care of. 194 00:11:08.679 --> 00:11:13.320 Those things are what she specifically attacks on top of 195 00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:18.639 my health, which she does not see behind closed doors, 196 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:23.840 and those comments. Growing up in the trouble home that 197 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:28.039 I did, my mom made those comments my whole life, 198 00:11:28.360 --> 00:11:30.799 even though she was there from the day I was 199 00:11:30.919 --> 00:11:34.639 diagnosed and heard from the doctors. There was nothing we 200 00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:38.600 could have done to prevent this disease because my older 201 00:11:38.639 --> 00:11:40.200 brother has it as well. 202 00:11:40.799 --> 00:11:44.879 Okay, we have to pause because there's so much going 203 00:11:44.919 --> 00:11:46.440 on here that needs to be addressed, and if we 204 00:11:46.519 --> 00:11:48.840 don't work as we go, we're gonna get in misship. 205 00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:49.639 Yes, I got you. 206 00:11:49.799 --> 00:11:51.679 Are you ready? Yepkay? Go ahead. 207 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:55.639 So I first want to touch on Hovey. 208 00:11:55.720 --> 00:11:59.000 What is your perspective? Let's just start with the mom 209 00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:04.720 saying Snyder about your wife's chronic illnesses. Do do you 210 00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:07.639 have the same perspective that she makes snydermarks and she 211 00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:12.559 oversteps and verbally attacks your wife's existence. 212 00:12:13.720 --> 00:12:17.519 So she does, and you know I do tell her 213 00:12:17.960 --> 00:12:21.399 when my wife's not around because I don't want her 214 00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:22.720 to see that side of me. 215 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:24.639 Wow. 216 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:29.360 Yeah, she does back down a bit once in a while, 217 00:12:29.440 --> 00:12:34.399 but she tends to she's just like her mother, which 218 00:12:34.759 --> 00:12:39.759 well my grandmother, which they tend to bring it up again, 219 00:12:41.039 --> 00:12:44.399 and it's a pet peeve that she has, and I 220 00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:48.000 keep telling her that that's like a big issue with 221 00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:48.759 her as well. 222 00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:50.120 What do you mean a pet peeve? 223 00:12:53.639 --> 00:12:58.679 Like my mother and my grandma When they start something, 224 00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:02.200 if you tell them to, they'll stop from that time, 225 00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:05.240 but like after a while they'll bring it up again, 226 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:09.600 like if they didn't have the conversation. It's one of 227 00:13:09.639 --> 00:13:11.799 my pet peeves that okay. 228 00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:14.960 And mainly most of the family when it comes to that. 229 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:18.360 So I want to pause there because this is very 230 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:22.000 very important to me. You calling what they're doing a 231 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:25.559 pet peeve is diminishing the way that they are disrespecting 232 00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:30.039 the relationship. And there's a relationship just being beyond blood relatives. 233 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:32.399 There's a level of respect in handling things. If you 234 00:13:32.480 --> 00:13:34.919 go to somebody and say you are disrespecting my wife 235 00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:37.799 and this is not okay, and they stop it for 236 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:39.679 a week or two, and then they pick it back up. 237 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:41.799 They heard what you said, and they don't care that 238 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:43.879 it bothers you because they reverted back to that behavior. 239 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:47.519 Don't don't call that a pet peeve, because, like I said. 240 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:52.440 I believe that that's diminishing the irrosive behavior of what 241 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:56.440 they're doing. I think it's grander than a pet peeve. 242 00:13:57.480 --> 00:13:59.200 So she said a couple of things that really stood 243 00:13:59.240 --> 00:14:01.399 out to me. One, there's a whole lot of things 244 00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:02.840 you have me to take that off you so you 245 00:14:02.919 --> 00:14:06.559 need Oh yeah, there's a whole lot of things in 246 00:14:06.840 --> 00:14:09.720 that line of statements that should not be a thing 247 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:12.279 to begin with. There's no reason that your in law 248 00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:16.600 should know what's going on in your financial situation. There's 249 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:19.039 no reason that they should know the intimate details of 250 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:21.679 your marriage. There's a whole lot of. 251 00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:25.759 Things. There's a been meshment. 252 00:14:25.840 --> 00:14:27.720 Yeah, there's a whole lot of things that you need 253 00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:31.080 to maintain as like sacred in your marriage. And then 254 00:14:31.120 --> 00:14:34.600 you even said something along the lines of the finances 255 00:14:34.600 --> 00:14:36.320 are something that the woman is supposed to deal with. 256 00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:38.159 I actually disagree with that across the board. I think 257 00:14:38.159 --> 00:14:42.000 finances are a man's job. Statistics show that we spend 258 00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:44.600 money differently when we are in charge of the finances. 259 00:14:45.240 --> 00:14:47.480 We are less likely to spend on ourselves and more 260 00:14:47.559 --> 00:14:49.320 likely to spend on our women. And there's a whole 261 00:14:49.320 --> 00:14:53.440 lot of quality of life things that change because we 262 00:14:53.480 --> 00:14:56.120 get better raises. We tend to look for better paying 263 00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:59.320 jobs because we know where the money is. And as 264 00:14:59.399 --> 00:15:02.360 like traditional marriage, it's very important that a man is 265 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:05.679 very hands on with the finances. Back to the other things, though, 266 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:10.080 the intimate details of your relationship should be your relationship. 267 00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:13.519 If there are problems happening in your household, and Hobby 268 00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:16.799 runs to mom or grandma and goes and explains what's 269 00:15:16.799 --> 00:15:19.159 happening to them, and he's trying to get feedback, and 270 00:15:19.200 --> 00:15:22.919 he's got good intention there. They now have something to 271 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:24.919 gossip about between the two of them when he's not 272 00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:26.919 on the phone, and aunts and cousins and everybody else 273 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:28.600 gets to know about what's going on in y'all's marriage, 274 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:32.639 and what is a sacred space in your home is 275 00:15:32.679 --> 00:15:35.960 now a discussion piece for everybody else's gossip. It then 276 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.399 gets thrown back in face later and it changes the 277 00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:40.360 way that people look at you, and it creates what 278 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.639 we call a negativity bias from the people that are 279 00:15:43.639 --> 00:15:46.360 in your lives looking into your marriage, and that should 280 00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:49.320 never be the case. If you guys are having issues, 281 00:15:49.360 --> 00:15:51.639 there are better ways to get information, and it needs 282 00:15:51.720 --> 00:15:53.840 to be from somebody that doesn't have any skin in 283 00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:57.679 the game whatsoever when it comes to your life. So 284 00:15:57.840 --> 00:15:59.960 that was my big takeaways from what was said there. 285 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:02.240 I just want to touch on one more thing that 286 00:16:02.279 --> 00:16:02.840 Hobby said. 287 00:16:03.559 --> 00:16:07.120 You said that you will correct your mom when your 288 00:16:07.159 --> 00:16:11.519 woman's not present, So there is a level and I 289 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:13.480 totally get it that you don't want your woman to 290 00:16:13.480 --> 00:16:16.240 see you like that. But there is a level that 291 00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:18.399 she has to see that my man's willing to step 292 00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:21.799 up for me no matter what. So you doing this 293 00:16:21.879 --> 00:16:22.960 behind closed doors? 294 00:16:24.120 --> 00:16:24.679 Real shit. 295 00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:28.919 If I were in these shoes of your woman and 296 00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:31.440 you're telling me that you're having conversations with your mom 297 00:16:31.480 --> 00:16:33.879 and then her behavior is not changing, you're. 298 00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:35.879 Lying to me, That's how I would view that too, 299 00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:36.639 all right. 300 00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:38.480 And I'm not saying that you're lying, but that's how 301 00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:41.600 it would feel. Because I'm not present, I can only 302 00:16:41.600 --> 00:16:43.320 do based off of what you're telling me, and there's 303 00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:44.159 no change in action. 304 00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:47.440 Yeah, there's also a whole lot of primal shit that 305 00:16:47.480 --> 00:16:50.120 happens when you defend your woman against people, regardless of 306 00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:53.399 who they are, and so like there's a lot of 307 00:16:53.519 --> 00:16:56.879 like they fucking got me, especially when there's loved ones involved, 308 00:16:56.919 --> 00:16:59.120 and like it shows that you are putting the marriage 309 00:16:59.159 --> 00:17:02.159 above everything else. So in that situation, if you were 310 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:04.160 to correct the behavior in the moment, like, Hey, that's 311 00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:05.759 my wife, You're not going to do that. I don't 312 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:07.720 appreciate you talking to her like that. If it continues. 313 00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:10.880 We're leaving. When you guys get in the car, the 314 00:17:10.960 --> 00:17:13.279 ride home is going to be incredible. Yes, right, there's 315 00:17:13.319 --> 00:17:15.920 going to be a whole lot of new connection established 316 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:18.319 because you just did the fucking thing. As the man 317 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:21.480 of the relationship, there's a lot of protect, provide, and 318 00:17:21.599 --> 00:17:22.599 lead in those moments. 319 00:17:22.720 --> 00:17:26.720 So and confrontation or correction doesn't have to be aggressive. 320 00:17:26.759 --> 00:17:28.440 It doesn't have to be this thing where I don't 321 00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:31.359 want my woman to see me like that. That tells 322 00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:33.440 me that there's heightened emotion. It could be anger, it 323 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:37.920 could be frustration, it could be yelling, it could be fear, fear, name. 324 00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:39.079 Calling, whatever the case may be. 325 00:17:40.359 --> 00:17:43.400 This conversation with your mom is a very calm and 326 00:17:43.480 --> 00:17:46.279 simple one. You're not going to talk about or speak 327 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:48.960 to my woman like this. And this is one of 328 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:50.880 those situations where you are going to be presented with 329 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:53.079 very hard decisions because you can't make your mom or 330 00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:54.079 your grandmother. 331 00:17:54.039 --> 00:17:55.359 Do anything, do anything. 332 00:17:56.119 --> 00:17:58.279 So if they continue to chip away at your marriage 333 00:17:58.319 --> 00:18:00.279 and continue to chip away at your wife, going to 334 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:01.920 have to decide what am I willing to do to 335 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:04.880 protect my wife and my marriage. And that may look 336 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:08.319 like distancing or limiting. And like I said, that doesn't 337 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:11.359 have to be crazy aggressive. I'm done with this And 338 00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:13.079 unless you decide that you want to treat my wife 339 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:15.319 with respect, we don't have to have communication for six 340 00:18:15.359 --> 00:18:18.079 months or three months or whatever whatever. 341 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:20.440 The that looks like, I. 342 00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:23.119 Am going to turn our video off on Zoom guys, 343 00:18:23.160 --> 00:18:28.039 because I'm getting notifications from YouTube saying that they're it's 344 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:31.519 killing our band with having lives running on two different things. Okay, 345 00:18:31.720 --> 00:18:35.279 so the video is off cast still going you guys 346 00:18:35.319 --> 00:18:36.680 just can't see us now. So now we're on the 347 00:18:36.680 --> 00:18:39.440 phone together. Would you got anything else on that? 348 00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:39.759 No? 349 00:18:39.880 --> 00:18:42.839 Okay, got it? That means I got to join your YouTube. 350 00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:45.359 Yeah, I mean it's behind so you just watch it 351 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:47.160 without the audio so that you can see our facial 352 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:51.759 expressions or whatever. I understand from a family to new 353 00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:55.720 family perspective, not wanting to create waves and like real shit. 354 00:18:56.079 --> 00:18:57.960 If he has a good relationship Pavi, if you've got 355 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:00.680 a good relationship with your grandparents and your mind, the 356 00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:03.119 last thing that you want to do is to create 357 00:19:03.160 --> 00:19:05.880 any type of real waves and be nasty to them 358 00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:09.519 because you love your family members. So again, like Peter said, 359 00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:11.880 this isn't a matter of being aggressive and being like 360 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:14.480 fuck you, blah blah blah. This is a matter of 361 00:19:14.519 --> 00:19:17.480 being like, hey, we exchanged vowels. This is my wife 362 00:19:17.480 --> 00:19:19.440 now and I plan on spending the rest of my 363 00:19:19.480 --> 00:19:21.440 life with her, and I wouldn't allow anyone else to 364 00:19:21.480 --> 00:19:23.680 talk to her like this. And I love you Mom, 365 00:19:23.720 --> 00:19:26.039 I love you Grandma, But like you, guys can't can't 366 00:19:26.079 --> 00:19:27.720 talk to her like that. And if this is going 367 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:30.880 to continue, it's going to disrupt the relationship that all 368 00:19:30.920 --> 00:19:32.599 of us have and I don't want that. I need 369 00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:35.519 you guys to respect my marriage, respect my wife, and 370 00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:38.759 doing so, you're respecting me, and do its in it 371 00:19:38.839 --> 00:19:44.599 as a diplomatic way as possible so that it's not 372 00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:48.079 coming across aggressive. But you also have to be prepared 373 00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:50.039 for them to take that in a negative way, because 374 00:19:50.079 --> 00:19:52.240 nobody wants to be told that they're doing something wrong. 375 00:19:53.319 --> 00:19:55.000 Yeah, anything else, I am ready to continue. 376 00:19:55.039 --> 00:19:59.160 I'm ready to continue. We said a whole lot, So 377 00:19:59.319 --> 00:20:01.799 you guys feel free to get into anything next that 378 00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:02.799 you would like to get into. 379 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:03.160 Yep. 380 00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:09.119 In terms of like our like who works with our finances, 381 00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:15.079 it's because my right now, my physical capacity is very 382 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:19.079 low with my health issues, and my husband, I'm gonna 383 00:20:19.079 --> 00:20:22.599 be honest, money is not his thing. All the logins 384 00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:26.000 we have for our bills. That's just that's not his 385 00:20:26.160 --> 00:20:29.039 deal now. He makes all of it. He provides for 386 00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:33.480 us completely, and thankfully I can take the time away 387 00:20:33.519 --> 00:20:38.759 from working if I choose to, but I really lately 388 00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:42.200 I feel like I struggle with feeling like I'm not 389 00:20:42.680 --> 00:20:48.880 showing my appreciation enough because I can't physically clean up 390 00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:52.880 a mess or do the dishes right now, and I 391 00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:57.799 just I'm not sure how else to show my appreciation. 392 00:20:58.119 --> 00:21:02.559 And I know, as our provider and protector and everything 393 00:21:02.599 --> 00:21:06.440 and the lead in our relationship, that it's his job 394 00:21:06.519 --> 00:21:09.680 to provide and protect and everything, and he always wants 395 00:21:09.720 --> 00:21:14.359 to treat me better than himself. But it makes me 396 00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:19.119 feel like I'm not doing my part because I physically 397 00:21:19.319 --> 00:21:20.640 can't right now. 398 00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:23.440 Okay, So I pausive again because there's two different aspects 399 00:21:23.519 --> 00:21:25.880 to this, the first one being the finance, is the 400 00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:28.440 second one being the change in health and the way 401 00:21:28.440 --> 00:21:30.880 that things are being taken care of. If you're better 402 00:21:30.880 --> 00:21:32.759 at taking care of the finances, there are people in 403 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:34.640 relationships that don't want to deal with the money at all. 404 00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:35.720 And I get it. 405 00:21:35.720 --> 00:21:37.680 It doesn't change what I said about the way that 406 00:21:37.720 --> 00:21:40.720 money is spent. So if you were dealing with the finances. 407 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:43.720 You need to be doing check ins two to four 408 00:21:43.759 --> 00:21:46.799 times a week about where things are financially. Hey, I 409 00:21:46.839 --> 00:21:49.359 paid this bill, there's x amount in the account. Hey, 410 00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:51.200 I just put this into our saving Now there's this 411 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:53.039 amount in the account. And the check ins don't have 412 00:21:53.079 --> 00:21:55.160 to be very long. Your credit card has one thousand 413 00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:57.680 dollars available on it, it's at forty percent charge. Don't 414 00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:00.160 use it until I pay another payment. There needs to 415 00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:04.319 be a constant communication happening with finances, real shit. I 416 00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:07.680 truly believe that every single relationship that ends up in 417 00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:11.599 divorce has finances within the top three, if not the 418 00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:14.799 number one spot, every single time, even if there's infidelity. 419 00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:18.119 I believe that the stress starts with finances and it 420 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:21.559 makes everything else fucked up. So there's no reason that 421 00:22:21.559 --> 00:22:24.240 that finances aren't a daily or every other day conversation. 422 00:22:24.359 --> 00:22:27.200 We talk about it multiple times a day, every time 423 00:22:27.279 --> 00:22:29.640 something comes up, anytime there's money going out, if a 424 00:22:29.640 --> 00:22:32.079 credit card gets paid, I don't just take care of 425 00:22:32.119 --> 00:22:34.319 the money. She knows that the shit's taken care of, 426 00:22:34.359 --> 00:22:36.279 but I tell her what's going on, what's coming in, 427 00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:39.240 what's going out, so that she's in the know of everything. 428 00:22:39.319 --> 00:22:42.119 She has nothing to do with our finances. She's like, hey, 429 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:43.599 I want to buy this thing is their money, And 430 00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:45.960 I'm like, go do your thing, babe, because that's I 431 00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:47.359 don't even know. That's what I do with the finance. 432 00:22:47.480 --> 00:22:49.240 I don't think that you even listen to me most 433 00:22:49.240 --> 00:22:51.799 of the time, but I do. Well, I'm to a 434 00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:53.880 degree that if you did, you wouldn't have to ask me. 435 00:22:56.359 --> 00:22:58.759 Most of the time. I don't. Yeah, if it's over 436 00:22:58.839 --> 00:23:00.599 three hundred bucks, but. 437 00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:03.200 That's good, that's fair. I appreciate that. 438 00:23:03.559 --> 00:23:06.200 Yeah, but you know what, I realized, it's three hundred 439 00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:07.039 bucks in one blow. 440 00:23:07.480 --> 00:23:10.240 Like I'm cool with spending fifteen bucks here and there, 441 00:23:10.279 --> 00:23:11.640 and then adds up to three hundred bucks and I 442 00:23:11.640 --> 00:23:12.319 don't say anything. 443 00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:17.359 Yeah, what were you saying, Hobby? Well, oh, okay, I 444 00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:19.000 thought you were cutting out or you were cutting out. 445 00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:19.920 I thought you were saying something. 446 00:23:21.079 --> 00:23:23.039 No, it's because uh. 447 00:23:22.599 --> 00:23:25.759 I was in the first YouTube one where like the 448 00:23:25.799 --> 00:23:28.720 call got jacked up and you had to redo the thingy, 449 00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:31.839 so I wasn't in the correct one. And he's looking 450 00:23:31.880 --> 00:23:34.000 at my screen frozen, like, hey, m I want to 451 00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:36.319 check the discord because that's not the right video. 452 00:23:36.119 --> 00:23:38.119 Gotcha, gotcha? Okay. 453 00:23:38.160 --> 00:23:40.119 So the other thing was do you have anything on 454 00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:42.960 the first part of that, on the finances, I do not, Okay. 455 00:23:43.000 --> 00:23:45.759 The other thing was the health and the feeling like 456 00:23:45.799 --> 00:23:47.960 you're not doing enough and him taking care of you 457 00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:49.480 more than himself. That's what I was talking about with 458 00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:51.920 the finances. When we know what's going on, we're more 459 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.799 likely to send you to retreats. You're more likely to 460 00:23:53.799 --> 00:23:55.960 get your hair done, your nails done, the new thing 461 00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.519 that you want, getting your car detailed, whatever, whatever, whatever, 462 00:23:58.599 --> 00:24:01.079 because we want to make sure that you have a 463 00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:03.759 life of abundance. That also makes us work harder, It 464 00:24:03.799 --> 00:24:05.759 makes us earn more over the cost of the course 465 00:24:05.799 --> 00:24:11.359 of a life, and it inspires us to continue to 466 00:24:11.480 --> 00:24:15.079 find better pain jobs. You can go on the other 467 00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:17.799 aspects of that with the the thing. 468 00:24:18.039 --> 00:24:22.039 Okay, So I wanted to touch on you said that 469 00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:27.039 you are struggling because you can't do the dishes or 470 00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:28.720 you can't clamp a pile of a mess, and that 471 00:24:28.839 --> 00:24:32.680 is what you ac create a credit, a credit your 472 00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:36.680 appreciation to being shown as so if I am hearing 473 00:24:36.720 --> 00:24:38.519 you properly and you can correct me if I'm wrong, 474 00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:41.319 it sounds like your love language to show that you 475 00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:43.119 love him as acts of service. 476 00:24:44.559 --> 00:24:46.440 And girl, you got to listen to your body. 477 00:24:47.920 --> 00:24:51.839 Or gifts as well. And I feel like he doesn't 478 00:24:51.839 --> 00:24:55.319 receive gifts well because he keeps telling me no, he 479 00:24:55.359 --> 00:24:58.680 doesn't want anything and to just get what I need. 480 00:24:58.759 --> 00:25:02.960 And I feel very frustrated with that. But I'm still 481 00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:08.400 learning about love languages and like giving and receiving of 482 00:25:08.440 --> 00:25:12.599 love languages. I'm still new to that and it's something 483 00:25:12.680 --> 00:25:16.359 I severely struggle with because of my autism. I have 484 00:25:16.440 --> 00:25:20.079 to start. I'm still learning to recognize what they are 485 00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:21.599 and how to do that. 486 00:25:23.160 --> 00:25:25.160 Your autism has nothing to do with you learning the 487 00:25:25.160 --> 00:25:28.160 love languages. There's five of them, and they're super easy 488 00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:29.880 to understand. You guys can sit down do the love 489 00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:32.599 language quiz in fifteen minutes and understand all of that 490 00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:35.720 very very easy. That's a super super simple thing. It's 491 00:25:35.759 --> 00:25:38.000 just dedicating the fifteen to thirty minutes to do it. 492 00:25:38.759 --> 00:25:43.839 You can't expect somebody to live your love language. You're 493 00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:46.680 giving gifts in the ways that you do love languages, 494 00:25:46.960 --> 00:25:48.720 and the way that you show love may not be 495 00:25:48.759 --> 00:25:52.480 how they receive it. Like if peaches, I give gifts 496 00:25:52.680 --> 00:25:55.000 I'm a gift giver, but I don't want to receive it. 497 00:25:55.079 --> 00:25:57.480 I don't want anything like that. It makes me uncomfortable 498 00:25:57.480 --> 00:26:00.440 when people give me things. So if she owns tried 499 00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:03.240 to shower me with gifts, I would feel neglected in 500 00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:05.559 the other aspects of my life that I need to 501 00:26:05.599 --> 00:26:08.039 fill my cup. So you guys do need to do 502 00:26:08.079 --> 00:26:09.920 the love languages. I used to think that shit was 503 00:26:09.960 --> 00:26:12.839 pop psychology. It's fucking real. Yeah, you know, we all 504 00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:16.079 need specific things in our life to make sure that 505 00:26:16.160 --> 00:26:20.160 we are seen and heard and validated and important. And 506 00:26:20.359 --> 00:26:23.559 a lot of men don't have gift giving or receiving 507 00:26:23.640 --> 00:26:26.000 as a love language. It's low on the total poll 508 00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:28.319 for us. It's words of affirmation and physical touch almost 509 00:26:28.319 --> 00:26:29.039 across the board. 510 00:26:29.799 --> 00:26:33.119 So I just wanted to present a different perspective to 511 00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:35.960 that this is just a possibility, right, So there's a 512 00:26:36.039 --> 00:26:39.400 shadow to everything in life once the light hits it. 513 00:26:40.839 --> 00:26:44.440 And is it possible that the shadow of you showing 514 00:26:44.480 --> 00:26:48.319 your appreciation through acts of service is that you have 515 00:26:48.440 --> 00:26:51.400 your self worth tied to the labor that you can provide, 516 00:26:52.359 --> 00:26:56.440 versus trying to show him appreciation through being able to 517 00:26:56.480 --> 00:26:58.920 maintain the household or fill in the blank of that. 518 00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:00.440 And you don't have to answer that right now. If 519 00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:02.599 you would like, that could be like a journal question 520 00:27:02.680 --> 00:27:03.440 for yourself later. 521 00:27:03.559 --> 00:27:05.799 Yeah, that's definitely a journal problemamb. 522 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:09.480 Honestly, it already kind of hit me. 523 00:27:10.319 --> 00:27:12.799 I feel like my situation that hit me. 524 00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:17.839 My work has always been connected to what I can 525 00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:21.680 provide other people due to the way that I was raised. 526 00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:27.599 It is, and it's something I'm still trying to relearn 527 00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:30.079 that that's not always curate. 528 00:27:31.319 --> 00:27:32.880 Did you cut out? Are you done with your sentence? 529 00:27:33.640 --> 00:27:33.720 No? 530 00:27:33.960 --> 00:27:38.519 That was the my said sentence is that it's not 531 00:27:38.759 --> 00:27:43.160 always accurate, Like just because you can't do hard labor 532 00:27:43.319 --> 00:27:49.000 or do a service of some sort shouldn't necessarily determine 533 00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:54.759 your worth. And that's something I'm still having to reteach reself. 534 00:27:55.640 --> 00:27:57.720 All right, So let me help you with that reteaching. 535 00:27:57.839 --> 00:28:00.319 You said that you have always been this way with 536 00:28:00.480 --> 00:28:04.799 your chronic illnesses, and I will put I don't know. 537 00:28:04.839 --> 00:28:06.799 I don't have bricks of gold, but if I did, 538 00:28:06.839 --> 00:28:08.559 I would put my bricks of gold on the fact 539 00:28:08.559 --> 00:28:10.559 that Hobby did not marry you because you have been 540 00:28:10.599 --> 00:28:16.000 an athlete, marathon, house taker, care over or fill in 541 00:28:16.039 --> 00:28:19.000 the blink, right you. You provide happiness and joy for 542 00:28:19.079 --> 00:28:22.759 him in other ways. That is not the quote unquote 543 00:28:23.400 --> 00:28:26.599 common womanly duties of maintaining the household or cooking every 544 00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:30.960 single day. Or I don't think you guys have children. 545 00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:32.160 I feel like you would have said that by now. 546 00:28:32.200 --> 00:28:34.200 But if you did, like running the appointments and making 547 00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:35.559 phone calls. 548 00:28:36.119 --> 00:28:40.039 We've been struggling with fertility for a little over two 549 00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:45.839 years now, but it's definitely something we are trying for. 550 00:28:46.880 --> 00:28:48.599 But no, we have not had children yet. We just 551 00:28:48.680 --> 00:28:49.200 have three for. 552 00:28:49.799 --> 00:28:53.440 Carrently, Okay, I want to ask you, since you you 553 00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:59.519 have chronic illness, what are you doing in the downtime 554 00:28:59.559 --> 00:29:02.640 when you are struggling? Are you sleeping? Are you laying 555 00:29:02.680 --> 00:29:04.359 down and not doing anything? Are you doom scrolling? Are 556 00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:08.799 you watching TV? As somebody like? Because I blew out 557 00:29:08.839 --> 00:29:10.640 two of the discs in my back and fucked myself 558 00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:12.319 up pretty bad a couple years ago, and I still 559 00:29:12.359 --> 00:29:15.119 managed to do a whole lot of life stuff instead 560 00:29:15.160 --> 00:29:17.279 of allowing it to knock me completely out of the game. 561 00:29:17.319 --> 00:29:20.000 I've had other medical issues that has has fucked me 562 00:29:20.079 --> 00:29:23.400 up pretty bad, but I'm not chronically ill or terminally ill. 563 00:29:23.440 --> 00:29:26.079 There's a difference in those things. But I use my 564 00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:28.480 downtime in ways that's going to benefit my life. And 565 00:29:28.519 --> 00:29:31.720 if you know that these things are an issue for 566 00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:34.720 you and you're not trying to find ways to improve, 567 00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:38.839 and you're just accepting that this is what is, you're 568 00:29:38.880 --> 00:29:41.160 choosing that life. And I'm not saying you're choosing the 569 00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:43.480 chronic illness. I have to be very clear about that. 570 00:29:43.519 --> 00:29:46.720 I'm saying that you're choosing to doom scroll instead of 571 00:29:46.759 --> 00:29:48.839 doing things that's going to make your mind better or 572 00:29:48.880 --> 00:29:52.839 find ways to understand love languages. Right, if you spent 573 00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:55.039 six hours doom scrolling because you were sick, you could 574 00:29:55.079 --> 00:29:57.279 have read a thirty minute article on the love languages 575 00:29:57.319 --> 00:29:59.519 and taking the quiz or taking a personality test or 576 00:30:00.519 --> 00:30:03.960 started learning, you know, how to make money online doing 577 00:30:04.079 --> 00:30:07.119 very little work or whatever whatever, whatever, Like, there's always 578 00:30:07.240 --> 00:30:10.440 time in your day that you can be utilizing differently 579 00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:16.720 to increase your overall standing in life. 580 00:30:17.000 --> 00:30:17.799 Just something to ponder. 581 00:30:18.039 --> 00:30:21.920 Yeah, I yeah, in my like when i'm I call 582 00:30:21.960 --> 00:30:26.880 them flare ups, but I have especially currently it. So 583 00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:31.200 we're in Texas and of course summer is a very hot. 584 00:30:31.279 --> 00:30:34.759 This whole week has been over one hundred and ten 585 00:30:34.839 --> 00:30:40.799 degrees like the full week, and it's been causing seizures 586 00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:46.039 for the last almost month now. In my downtime in 587 00:30:46.119 --> 00:30:48.440 between seizures, when I'm actually you know, out of it, 588 00:30:49.720 --> 00:30:52.640 I tend to focus on doing things that help me 589 00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:55.799 bring back my motor skills a little faster, because my 590 00:30:55.920 --> 00:31:02.720 seizures really affect that. I've been reading books on like 591 00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:06.039 any like certain sort of things I can do to 592 00:31:06.119 --> 00:31:12.279 help lesson seizures, natural medications, things like that. I've read 593 00:31:12.279 --> 00:31:16.680 a few articles on love languages, but I just I 594 00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:20.759 still don't understand them, Like I just don't. I'm so 595 00:31:22.640 --> 00:31:24.200 I don't know how to explain it, but they just 596 00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:26.599 don't quite make that much sense to me. 597 00:31:27.039 --> 00:31:29.599 We we have an entire playlist. We broke those down 598 00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:31.599 really well, so you can just watch them. It'll make 599 00:31:31.640 --> 00:31:34.400 it easier. If it's one hundred and ten degrees outside, 600 00:31:34.400 --> 00:31:36.119 why in the fuck are you going outside? 601 00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:37.240 Ever? 602 00:31:37.680 --> 00:31:43.599 We're I'm currently in the pasmetology school. But yeah, with 603 00:31:43.720 --> 00:31:46.200 that heat during the highest points of the day, which 604 00:31:46.279 --> 00:31:51.160 is like almost ten hours here, I'm pretty much can't 605 00:31:51.200 --> 00:31:55.400 do anything. Can't drive, can't really walk too far. I 606 00:31:55.440 --> 00:31:57.920 have to like lean against our wall and Thankfully, my 607 00:31:58.000 --> 00:32:01.440 husband works night shifts so he's not out in the 608 00:32:01.519 --> 00:32:06.079 very heat of the day for the most part, but that, 609 00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:10.640 along with my diabetes, has been causing a lot of 610 00:32:10.759 --> 00:32:17.279 issues health wise, so it's been the balancing act there 611 00:32:17.400 --> 00:32:20.440 has been really hard, especially with when I was having 612 00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:23.599 back to back seizures. I was losing time because they 613 00:32:23.640 --> 00:32:28.640 were so close together. But thankfully, my husband's always been 614 00:32:28.799 --> 00:32:34.480 great with my health issues, so he keeps me very grounded. 615 00:32:36.160 --> 00:32:42.000 But it's definitely something I'm still working on and I 616 00:32:42.200 --> 00:32:44.720 try to be better, but it's it's a little hard 617 00:32:44.759 --> 00:32:50.599 to manage trying to do something productive in those moments 618 00:32:51.279 --> 00:32:52.519 depending on what's going on. 619 00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:55.240 So I'm going to ask the first thing that comes 620 00:32:55.240 --> 00:32:57.480 to my mind, and that is, do you feel like 621 00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:02.279 you have unreal, unreal, realistic expectations of you. 622 00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:05.160 And and the body that you live in? 623 00:33:05.400 --> 00:33:09.799 Right? And I ask that because I don't. I have 624 00:33:09.839 --> 00:33:12.559 my own issues right, not to the extent that you do. 625 00:33:13.559 --> 00:33:15.759 And I know that I put too much on me 626 00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:17.920 and I have to take a step back and be like, Okay, 627 00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:20.039 it's okay that I can't do this. My body is limited, 628 00:33:20.039 --> 00:33:22.519 and I have to accept that I'm gonna leave it 629 00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:23.759 at that. Now, I'm gonna let you answer. 630 00:33:25.079 --> 00:33:27.240 Chris, did you want to say something before I answered her? 631 00:33:27.400 --> 00:33:28.519 Or do you want me to answer first? 632 00:33:29.240 --> 00:33:31.200 No, because I think the things that I'm gonna say 633 00:33:31.240 --> 00:33:33.599 is gonna it's not gonna go over well with the internet. 634 00:33:33.640 --> 00:33:35.559 So I'm gonna wait until you answer, and then if 635 00:33:35.599 --> 00:33:36.960 I feel like I need to say it I want 636 00:33:37.000 --> 00:33:39.279 to say, I'll say it. Otherwise I'm just gonna stay silent. 637 00:33:40.359 --> 00:33:43.359 Well, I always appreciate your honesty and your podcast, so 638 00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:47.000 I'm gonna start with that. But I definitely need to 639 00:33:47.039 --> 00:33:50.960 hold myself to higher expectations. I feel like, mainly because 640 00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:56.119 between his mother and my mother, they have put these 641 00:33:56.240 --> 00:34:00.480 crazy expectations on me that I should be doing all 642 00:34:00.519 --> 00:34:05.279 these things that I currently cannot do. And I'm in 643 00:34:05.319 --> 00:34:09.840 the process of like rewiring my brain to remember that 644 00:34:11.400 --> 00:34:15.480 their words do not have to be the way that 645 00:34:15.679 --> 00:34:19.119 I hold myself. I don't have to have to live 646 00:34:19.280 --> 00:34:24.119 up to that expectation because it's not accurate anymore because 647 00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:27.239 I'm not necessarily with his mom, but my mom, I've 648 00:34:27.440 --> 00:34:31.679 grown and changed so much since I was living in 649 00:34:31.719 --> 00:34:32.920 her house at sixteen. 650 00:34:33.760 --> 00:34:36.199 How old are you guys? You've been together for four years. 651 00:34:36.199 --> 00:34:37.679 You were living at sixteen. I'm guessing you guys are 652 00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:38.440 twenty twenty. 653 00:34:38.239 --> 00:34:44.840 One, A little off. I'm twenty eight and he is thirty. 654 00:34:45.079 --> 00:34:45.719 So wait a minute. 655 00:34:45.719 --> 00:34:47.679 You were living at his parents when you were sixteen 656 00:34:47.719 --> 00:34:49.119 years old, and you guys have only been together for 657 00:34:49.159 --> 00:34:49.800 four I. 658 00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:51.920 Was living with my mom at sixteen. 659 00:34:52.039 --> 00:34:53.760 Oh okay, I miss I missed a lot since I 660 00:34:53.800 --> 00:34:56.199 lived with gotcha, Okay, I misunderstood. I thought it was 661 00:34:56.199 --> 00:34:57.760 his mom. I was like, wait a minute, how on 662 00:34:57.800 --> 00:34:58.159 the fuck? 663 00:34:58.760 --> 00:35:01.159 Yeah, sorry, that was kind of my bad. 664 00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:05.079 Okay, I am gonna say what I was gonna say. 665 00:35:05.159 --> 00:35:06.760 This is not an insult to people. 666 00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:07.039 Guys. 667 00:35:07.079 --> 00:35:09.199 You have to learn to adapt and overcome. I know 668 00:35:09.239 --> 00:35:13.400 people who are paraplegics nothing from the neck down, like 669 00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:15.159 they got to blow into a straw to get around, 670 00:35:15.159 --> 00:35:19.480 and they found ways to still enjoy their life. I 671 00:35:19.559 --> 00:35:22.480 understand that you've got medical conditions and all of those things. 672 00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:25.440 You have to learn to like adapt your life to 673 00:35:25.559 --> 00:35:29.440 your situation and not try to live to the expectations 674 00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:31.440 of others. It would be very unrealistic for me to 675 00:35:31.519 --> 00:35:33.119 contact my boy Rob and be like, bro, I know 676 00:35:33.119 --> 00:35:34.599 you're in a wheelchair, but I expect you to run 677 00:35:34.599 --> 00:35:35.000 a marathon. 678 00:35:35.039 --> 00:35:38.280 Let's go right, it's not even that's not even a thing. 679 00:35:38.719 --> 00:35:40.679 But I also don't expect him to sit around and 680 00:35:40.679 --> 00:35:43.320 feel sorry for himself either. So, like if I reached 681 00:35:43.320 --> 00:35:44.679 out to him and I'm like, how are you doing 682 00:35:44.679 --> 00:35:46.480 today and he's like, oh, you know, I'm fucking depressed, 683 00:35:46.480 --> 00:35:47.559 I'm gonna be like, well, what have you done to 684 00:35:47.599 --> 00:35:50.000 do something about that? I'm not going to just accept 685 00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:52.760 that you're feeling sorry for yourself. And I'm not saying 686 00:35:52.760 --> 00:35:54.719 that that's what's going on with you. I'm just using 687 00:35:54.760 --> 00:35:57.079 that as a very broad example. If you've got something 688 00:35:57.079 --> 00:36:00.360 going on in your life that creates problems, no body's 689 00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:02.920 coming to save you. You are on your own to learn 690 00:36:02.960 --> 00:36:06.920 to work around and make these things work. And you know, 691 00:36:07.159 --> 00:36:09.320 I still stand by what I said earlier with the 692 00:36:09.760 --> 00:36:13.119 doing things in your downtime to increase the standing of 693 00:36:13.159 --> 00:36:15.679 your life. If you're going to cosmetic school and you're 694 00:36:15.760 --> 00:36:17.360 or a cosmetology I don't know if you're going for 695 00:36:17.360 --> 00:36:18.960 hair and makeup or nails or d All of the 696 00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:23.519 above is okay, but how how realistic is this going 697 00:36:23.559 --> 00:36:25.400 to be for a career for you? If you are 698 00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:30.159 having a hard time doing dishes. Data entry would be 699 00:36:30.199 --> 00:36:33.119 a much better job. Like, there's other options out there 700 00:36:33.159 --> 00:36:35.239 for you. It's just the point that I was trying 701 00:36:35.239 --> 00:36:37.000 to make is that you know, you have to be 702 00:36:37.039 --> 00:36:39.000 realistic with your life and you have to be trying 703 00:36:39.000 --> 00:36:41.280 to make things work with what you've got going on 704 00:36:41.480 --> 00:36:45.039 versus you know, getting a pointless degree or and I'm 705 00:36:45.039 --> 00:36:46.559 not saying it's just pointless. Real shit, you can get 706 00:36:46.559 --> 00:36:48.639 that degree in open fucking business and have people working 707 00:36:48.639 --> 00:36:51.320 for you and make money. But I just don't want 708 00:36:51.360 --> 00:36:51.599 you to. 709 00:36:52.760 --> 00:36:55.079 I don't know. Time is short and wasting. It doesn't 710 00:36:55.119 --> 00:36:55.679 make sense to me. 711 00:36:55.760 --> 00:36:57.280 You have to, like I said, you have to build 712 00:36:57.280 --> 00:37:00.320 the life around what you're capable of doing. And there's 713 00:37:00.360 --> 00:37:02.880 a whole lot of learning new aspects to be able 714 00:37:02.920 --> 00:37:03.280 to do that. 715 00:37:03.440 --> 00:37:07.840 So, yeah, I get you. I have a business plan. 716 00:37:07.920 --> 00:37:11.719 That's the whole reason I entered cosmatology school is so 717 00:37:11.760 --> 00:37:15.440 that I can help other disabled people who can't go 718 00:37:15.599 --> 00:37:20.480 to like standard salons. That was the whole plan behind it. 719 00:37:20.639 --> 00:37:23.320 But we'll see if I'm still at that place in 720 00:37:23.360 --> 00:37:23.719 a year. 721 00:37:23.840 --> 00:37:27.719 Okay, have you this is I'm not going to get 722 00:37:27.719 --> 00:37:29.679 into business with you I'm literally just going to ask 723 00:37:29.679 --> 00:37:31.280 you this and then I want to move away completely 724 00:37:31.320 --> 00:37:34.400 from business. Have you looked at the demographic of people 725 00:37:34.440 --> 00:37:36.559 in your area that that would actually cater to, Because 726 00:37:36.880 --> 00:37:40.400 if you have a business model that only reaches zero 727 00:37:40.400 --> 00:37:42.599 point two five percent of the population of your town, 728 00:37:42.639 --> 00:37:45.760 that's not a business model, it's charity. You will never 729 00:37:45.800 --> 00:37:48.960 make a living or even be able to provide for yourself, 730 00:37:49.039 --> 00:37:51.960 let alone even by your supplies with such a small 731 00:37:52.719 --> 00:37:56.079 demographic of people. And it's just something to think about. 732 00:37:56.360 --> 00:37:57.920 You don't need to answer the question. This is just 733 00:37:57.960 --> 00:37:59.800 for anybody that's trying to start a business plan. If 734 00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:01.840 you have not looked into the key demographics of your 735 00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:03.840 business and what you're trying to do for your area, 736 00:38:04.719 --> 00:38:07.320 you are already starting at a negative and and and 737 00:38:07.360 --> 00:38:09.599 you were likely to fail because of it. So you 738 00:38:09.639 --> 00:38:11.719 need to look into your key demographics so your customers 739 00:38:11.760 --> 00:38:14.719 customers are going to be and then try to figure 740 00:38:14.719 --> 00:38:16.000 out how you're going to make that work if you 741 00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:17.679 go that route. If you want to talk business shit, 742 00:38:17.679 --> 00:38:19.679 you can tag me in the discord anytime and I'll 743 00:38:19.679 --> 00:38:20.480 answer the questions. 744 00:38:20.519 --> 00:38:21.480 This is not what this is for. 745 00:38:21.599 --> 00:38:23.760 I just I appreciate it. 746 00:38:24.800 --> 00:38:26.000 Going back to the. 747 00:38:27.559 --> 00:38:32.840 Conversation about mother grandmother boundaries them over bleeding into your 748 00:38:32.840 --> 00:38:35.800 guys's life. Right, So we've talked about it's an issue 749 00:38:35.840 --> 00:38:37.559 to have other people in your relationship that are not 750 00:38:38.119 --> 00:38:41.559 in your relationship. Addie, what what are your wants or 751 00:38:41.599 --> 00:38:46.840 your expectations with how your husband conducts himself or sets 752 00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:48.199 boundaries going forward? 753 00:38:48.920 --> 00:38:49.079 Right? 754 00:38:49.119 --> 00:38:51.880 What what is going to put this to rest inside 755 00:38:51.920 --> 00:38:52.320 of you? 756 00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:53.320 You mean with his family, right? 757 00:38:53.360 --> 00:39:00.920 Yeah, with the family that he stops letting them disrespect 758 00:39:01.000 --> 00:39:05.199 me when they speak about the way my the way 759 00:39:05.440 --> 00:39:10.599 I am, I choose to express myself as well as 760 00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:11.760 my health issues. 761 00:39:11.800 --> 00:39:15.000 Okay, wait, I'm sorry this is now we're having a 762 00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:18.079 different conversation than what we had a minute ago. You 763 00:39:18.159 --> 00:39:20.760 expressing yourself and your health issues are two different things. 764 00:39:21.360 --> 00:39:21.960 What was so? 765 00:39:22.199 --> 00:39:25.519 I mean expressing myself? I mean by like the way 766 00:39:25.559 --> 00:39:29.119 I dress, because they're always commenting about how I look, 767 00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:32.519 the way my body is things I can't well, I 768 00:39:32.559 --> 00:39:34.800 can control the way I look, obviously, but not like 769 00:39:35.440 --> 00:39:38.079 I can't control the way my body was built. Okay, 770 00:39:38.400 --> 00:39:41.079 kind of seeing as well as my health, those are 771 00:39:41.159 --> 00:39:45.840 my main two things that those are topics that are 772 00:39:45.880 --> 00:39:49.559 not their business, and I don't feel they should speak 773 00:39:50.079 --> 00:39:54.960 disrespectfully me to me about those things in any case. 774 00:39:55.119 --> 00:39:59.079 Okay, thank you for clarifying. That just didn't make sense 775 00:39:59.119 --> 00:39:59.280 to me. 776 00:40:00.400 --> 00:40:02.519 So I'm going to take this a step further, and 777 00:40:02.559 --> 00:40:04.599 now I'm going to ask what does that look like? 778 00:40:04.920 --> 00:40:08.440 Does that look like him having a conversation with you 779 00:40:08.519 --> 00:40:10.480 in the room to them? Is this going to be 780 00:40:11.400 --> 00:40:13.559 setting up a list of boundaries and seeing if they 781 00:40:13.599 --> 00:40:14.239 adhere to that? 782 00:40:14.559 --> 00:40:15.360 What does. 783 00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:19.119 What does that look like? I'm repeating myself at this one. 784 00:40:19.159 --> 00:40:23.760 I think it would probably I've never experienced it before. 785 00:40:23.800 --> 00:40:29.880 This is like my real, first healthy relationship, honestly, but 786 00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.239 I think it looks like Kim is having that conversation 787 00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:39.519 in front of me so that it is clear and 788 00:40:39.599 --> 00:40:42.960 everyone is present in that moment, so no one can say, oh, yeah, 789 00:40:43.000 --> 00:40:45.800 well he said this and I did this. You know, 790 00:40:45.960 --> 00:40:48.880 I don't want any where they can twist it any 791 00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:52.920 kind of way to try to get in between us 792 00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:55.400 at some point in the future, because I felt like 793 00:40:55.519 --> 00:41:01.119 that was a real possibility and having those close those 794 00:41:01.159 --> 00:41:06.320 conversations behind closed doors have not changed anything in four years. 795 00:41:07.400 --> 00:41:11.280 And then following that, if they keep doing it, setting 796 00:41:11.400 --> 00:41:15.880 boundaries and if they can ithre to that limiting contact. 797 00:41:17.039 --> 00:41:18.840 I don't think that's unrealistic, don't. 798 00:41:18.920 --> 00:41:19.440 I don't either. 799 00:41:19.679 --> 00:41:21.920 I am curious have you stood up for yourself in 800 00:41:21.960 --> 00:41:25.000 any of this or do you, like, are you waiting 801 00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:25.960 on him to do the thing? 802 00:41:27.920 --> 00:41:31.199 I have spoken up to his mother quite a few 803 00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:38.519 times and she always tries to spin it off like 804 00:41:38.760 --> 00:41:44.000 it was a joke. Disgusting, But a joke that is 805 00:41:44.280 --> 00:41:49.679 disrespectful isn't a joke. It's just a compliment sandwich, if 806 00:41:49.719 --> 00:41:53.280 you will, in a sense, but with a fake joke instead. 807 00:41:54.159 --> 00:41:57.039 It's degrading. That's what that is. Yes, that that is 808 00:41:57.159 --> 00:41:58.000 malicious intent. 809 00:41:58.159 --> 00:42:00.679 That is intentionally going out of your way to bring 810 00:42:00.760 --> 00:42:04.360 somebody else down, to feed into a superiority or an ego. 811 00:42:04.400 --> 00:42:04.679 There. 812 00:42:05.960 --> 00:42:08.480 I want to say this before we continue on those 813 00:42:08.559 --> 00:42:11.199 moments where she says something in the moment and you 814 00:42:11.199 --> 00:42:12.320 guys are in a room together. 815 00:42:13.000 --> 00:42:14.800 She needs to be corrected immediately. 816 00:42:15.480 --> 00:42:17.639 This isn't something that we talk about six hours later 817 00:42:17.679 --> 00:42:21.480 once we've all dispersed. Families have a really big problem 818 00:42:21.960 --> 00:42:27.800 enabling and perpetuating toxic behaviors because they don't want to 819 00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:30.960 handle the fallout or the meltdown or whatever. They tiptoe 820 00:42:31.000 --> 00:42:33.599 around the most toxic person and it bleeds out because 821 00:42:33.599 --> 00:42:35.840 everybody else is miserable because nobody can say something to 822 00:42:35.880 --> 00:42:39.159 that person, Right, Hovey, I do view that you are 823 00:42:39.280 --> 00:42:42.800 enabling some type of abuse towards your wife and allowing 824 00:42:42.920 --> 00:42:47.639 your mother and grandmother to degrade her. This way, there 825 00:42:47.679 --> 00:42:50.159 is a level of defense and protection no matter who 826 00:42:50.239 --> 00:42:53.000 it's coming from, that that has to happen. 827 00:42:54.280 --> 00:42:55.400 Do you have anything to say them? 828 00:42:56.559 --> 00:42:56.639 So? 829 00:42:56.719 --> 00:42:57.480 I have two things. 830 00:42:58.239 --> 00:43:00.920 The people in the chat keep saying that they think 831 00:43:01.039 --> 00:43:03.440 this is a culture thing because Hobby's probably got Latin parents. 832 00:43:04.280 --> 00:43:06.360 I think I understand that that's the thing, But that's 833 00:43:06.360 --> 00:43:09.760 a bullshit excuse. That is justifying behavior based on tradition, 834 00:43:09.880 --> 00:43:12.079 and that's accepting generational bullshit. 835 00:43:13.400 --> 00:43:14.199 The other thing that. 836 00:43:14.159 --> 00:43:16.000 I wanted to get into with this is that you 837 00:43:16.039 --> 00:43:20.079 don't have really okay, how do I word this and 838 00:43:20.119 --> 00:43:24.480 make it make sense them? When people say something to 839 00:43:24.599 --> 00:43:26.760 you and you feel disrespected, it doesn't always mean that 840 00:43:26.760 --> 00:43:29.679 they're being disrespectful. It means that you feel disrespected. Then 841 00:43:29.719 --> 00:43:32.400 there's a difference there, And if you feel disrespected, it's 842 00:43:32.440 --> 00:43:36.079 okay to acknowledge that, Hey, what you just said came 843 00:43:36.119 --> 00:43:39.280 across as and I now feel disrespected and I would 844 00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:41.320 appreciate it if you don't do that again. And if 845 00:43:41.320 --> 00:43:43.320 they go, well, I was just joking, you can say, well, 846 00:43:43.360 --> 00:43:45.519 I understand that's your humor, and I'm telling you that 847 00:43:45.519 --> 00:43:47.360 that's not okay with the way that I expect people 848 00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:49.880 to treat me. And if you do not, you know, 849 00:43:50.079 --> 00:43:52.280 respect the way that I want to be treated, I'm 850 00:43:52.280 --> 00:43:55.280 not going to be here. That's the boundary that you set. 851 00:43:55.320 --> 00:43:57.440 And if that joke comes across, or they play it 852 00:43:57.440 --> 00:43:59.480 off or they try to downplay what's going on, you 853 00:43:59.519 --> 00:44:02.239 get up and you fucking leave. And if you're riding 854 00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:04.519 passenger princess and can't leave, you go sit in the 855 00:44:04.559 --> 00:44:06.719 car until he leaves, and then you guys can have 856 00:44:06.760 --> 00:44:08.639 a conversation about why it took so fucking long for 857 00:44:08.719 --> 00:44:11.440 him to follow suit. Yeah, there's a whole lot of 858 00:44:12.320 --> 00:44:15.480 you treat people how to treat or you train people 859 00:44:15.559 --> 00:44:17.639 how to treat you, and when you allow things to 860 00:44:17.760 --> 00:44:21.679 continue long term, you everybody knows how far they can 861 00:44:21.679 --> 00:44:24.840 push your buttons, yes, and when you allow those buttons 862 00:44:24.880 --> 00:44:27.199 to continuously get pushed that you have to have a 863 00:44:27.920 --> 00:44:30.960 very extreme reaction before they stop because they know that 864 00:44:30.960 --> 00:44:32.039 they can get away with shit. 865 00:44:33.119 --> 00:44:33.400 You can. 866 00:44:33.760 --> 00:44:36.360 You can be disrespected by something that someone said or 867 00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:38.400 did that was not disrespectful at all, and it is 868 00:44:38.400 --> 00:44:41.639 totally okay to feel that way. You should figure out 869 00:44:41.639 --> 00:44:45.000 why you feel that way. That's things that you journal about, 870 00:44:45.039 --> 00:44:46.679 meditate and pray about whatever it is that you need 871 00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:48.320 to do to figure that shit out on your own. 872 00:44:48.920 --> 00:44:51.920 But you don't have to tolerate it. And that's one 873 00:44:51.960 --> 00:44:54.000 of the biggest lessons that people need to learn. When 874 00:44:54.039 --> 00:44:56.239 you learn to love yourself and you have like an 875 00:44:56.239 --> 00:45:01.000 adherent self worth, there's a very different mindset from allowing 876 00:45:01.039 --> 00:45:05.639 somebody to be disrespectful and tolerating somebody being disrespectful. And 877 00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:07.199 I'm not saying you needed to hoot and holler and 878 00:45:07.280 --> 00:45:09.800 jump and puff fucking chest out and smack tables over 879 00:45:09.880 --> 00:45:12.519 and be that. There's no reason for any of that shit. 880 00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:15.159 There's so much more power in being like, well, I've 881 00:45:15.199 --> 00:45:16.840 overstayed my welcome. You guys have a good day, and 882 00:45:16.880 --> 00:45:18.400 you fucking walk out the room. You don't even have 883 00:45:18.440 --> 00:45:21.480 to wait for a goodbye. Real shit in business, there 884 00:45:21.519 --> 00:45:23.800 have been multiple times where I have said what I've 885 00:45:23.840 --> 00:45:26.039 needed to said say, and I have gotten up and 886 00:45:26.079 --> 00:45:26.960 I have left. 887 00:45:26.800 --> 00:45:28.800 It's so hot. 888 00:45:29.000 --> 00:45:30.840 Every time I have done that, I've gotten a phone 889 00:45:30.840 --> 00:45:32.920 call within forty five minutes from the people that I 890 00:45:32.960 --> 00:45:35.559 walked out on and being like, hey, did we offend you? 891 00:45:35.559 --> 00:45:35.719 You know? 892 00:45:35.760 --> 00:45:37.960 Are you okay? You left in a hurry? Is everything 893 00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:40.000 all right? And I'm like, no, I made my fucking point. 894 00:45:40.039 --> 00:45:41.840 You guys need to figure out what you're going to 895 00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:45.000 do now, and that's the end of the discussion. It's 896 00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:48.239 almost manipulative, but it's letting people know where I am 897 00:45:48.280 --> 00:45:49.840 at and the power that I hold in my life. 898 00:45:49.920 --> 00:45:52.760 I'm not going to be a doormat for fucking anyone. 899 00:45:53.400 --> 00:45:56.039 So this is as much as it's on him to 900 00:45:56.199 --> 00:45:58.960 conduct himself with his family members, and you guys work 901 00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:02.679 together as a unit, you know, one flesh in your 902 00:46:02.760 --> 00:46:05.199 marriage to make sure that the marriage is sacred. 903 00:46:06.119 --> 00:46:08.000 Did you see what she just did? Okay? 904 00:46:08.960 --> 00:46:11.320 It's also on you to make sure that you love 905 00:46:11.360 --> 00:46:13.440 yourself and that the people around you know that you 906 00:46:13.519 --> 00:46:15.440 love yourself and you're not going to accept less than 907 00:46:15.440 --> 00:46:15.960 from anyone. 908 00:46:17.159 --> 00:46:23.280 Do you balance that in not overstepping my baland is 909 00:46:23.400 --> 00:46:28.360 his wife to his family but I have already personally 910 00:46:28.400 --> 00:46:31.960 had these conversations with my family because one person made 911 00:46:31.960 --> 00:46:34.719 one disrespectful comment. I was like, look that happens again, 912 00:46:34.760 --> 00:46:37.760 and we won't ever come back. That's that's my man, 913 00:46:37.840 --> 00:46:42.360 that's my husband. I we're one soul now, and I 914 00:46:42.519 --> 00:46:47.119 just how do I find the balance between those two things. 915 00:46:47.199 --> 00:46:51.320 Ain't no balance. There's no balance there. I don't know 916 00:46:51.360 --> 00:46:53.880 what your vowels look like. Marriage is a very sacred 917 00:46:53.920 --> 00:46:56.519 thing between two people, and not everybody does the typical 918 00:46:56.559 --> 00:46:58.280 Bible valves. I don't know what they look like. But 919 00:46:58.360 --> 00:47:01.000 when you say I do, when you make a covenant 920 00:47:01.000 --> 00:47:02.920 between the two of you, and if you've got guide involved, 921 00:47:02.920 --> 00:47:05.559 there's a three way agreement that's there, that we are 922 00:47:05.559 --> 00:47:08.719 one flesh now and that this family supersedes everything else. 923 00:47:09.119 --> 00:47:12.639 Your marriage is the most important family aspect that you have, 924 00:47:13.039 --> 00:47:17.119 and everything around your marriage is secondary, tritiary, like it 925 00:47:17.199 --> 00:47:18.239 just continues. 926 00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:18.719 To go on and on and on. 927 00:47:19.119 --> 00:47:21.519 I understand that there's blood ties there, and there's a 928 00:47:21.519 --> 00:47:24.119 whole lot of well, they raised me and we're all 929 00:47:24.159 --> 00:47:27.239 of these things. I am a very firm believer that 930 00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:30.320 your marriage, your spouse is the number one priority above 931 00:47:30.360 --> 00:47:33.800 all things in your life, including you, and when you 932 00:47:33.840 --> 00:47:36.000 treat each other like they are the most important thing 933 00:47:36.039 --> 00:47:38.719 above everything else, and the marriage is the most important thing, 934 00:47:38.800 --> 00:47:41.480 everything else falls into place because you're not living from 935 00:47:41.519 --> 00:47:43.400 a place of selfishness and you're not worried about other 936 00:47:43.400 --> 00:47:46.199 people's feelings. In that aspect, this is not a matter 937 00:47:46.239 --> 00:47:48.920 of I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. This is 938 00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:51.039 a matter of my marriage. It matters more than your 939 00:47:51.079 --> 00:47:54.320 fucking feelings does real shit, Mom, Grandma, You're gonna die 940 00:47:54.320 --> 00:47:56.480 one day and I love you, and I hate that 941 00:47:56.519 --> 00:47:58.440 I just said that, but that's the truth of it, 942 00:47:58.480 --> 00:48:00.960 and so are we. But I have a longer time 943 00:48:01.000 --> 00:48:03.800 with my wife, God willing, then you guys got left 944 00:48:03.800 --> 00:48:04.320 on this earth. 945 00:48:04.800 --> 00:48:06.519 Your wife is gonna get so much more than you 946 00:48:06.559 --> 00:48:07.400 than your mother ever did. 947 00:48:07.519 --> 00:48:12.119 Right, I'm trying to to enjoy every moment with this 948 00:48:12.159 --> 00:48:14.119 person that I have committed myself to for the rest 949 00:48:14.159 --> 00:48:18.039 of my life. There's I don't think that people view 950 00:48:18.079 --> 00:48:20.559 marriage as such a sacred thing anymore. It's just the 951 00:48:20.599 --> 00:48:23.000 next part of the evolution of a relationship. And like 952 00:48:23.280 --> 00:48:25.199 I was going to ask them where they put their 953 00:48:25.239 --> 00:48:28.599 marriage and like how that's prioritized but I mean it 954 00:48:28.679 --> 00:48:30.639 sounds like you got it down under control. Have you 955 00:48:30.679 --> 00:48:32.719 gone back to that relative's house since you laid that out? 956 00:48:34.880 --> 00:48:39.280 So when I laid it, it was my my grandmother 957 00:48:39.599 --> 00:48:43.400 on my mom's side, and she has not made any 958 00:48:43.599 --> 00:48:51.400 derogatory comments about my husband. She's she's done everything I requested, thankfully. 959 00:48:53.639 --> 00:48:57.559 So it's been a pretty I guess, smooth transition in 960 00:48:57.599 --> 00:49:00.920 a sense that one comment happened and nothing has happened since. 961 00:49:01.000 --> 00:49:01.960 Good good. 962 00:49:02.320 --> 00:49:03.280 I love that. 963 00:49:03.079 --> 00:49:05.920 That that is the that's the proof that you stand 964 00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:07.639 up for yourself and people will fall in line if 965 00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:08.920 they actually want to be in your life. 966 00:49:09.079 --> 00:49:09.280 Yeah. 967 00:49:09.639 --> 00:49:11.800 I also it makes me curious about what her marriage 968 00:49:11.840 --> 00:49:14.800 look like like. Did she have a long, healthy marriage, 969 00:49:14.800 --> 00:49:17.000 because if so, she understood that you stand on business 970 00:49:17.159 --> 00:49:19.159 right right, there's a whole lot of you don't want 971 00:49:19.159 --> 00:49:21.679 to ever try to make me choose between you and 972 00:49:21.719 --> 00:49:24.039 my woman. I don't give a fuck who you are, 973 00:49:24.360 --> 00:49:27.280 real shit, I understand the whole concept of God in source, 974 00:49:27.320 --> 00:49:29.840 but like I have, I made a vow. Yeah, and 975 00:49:29.920 --> 00:49:32.920 like there's not going to be anything that's going to 976 00:49:33.000 --> 00:49:35.039 come between that because this is this is us. 977 00:49:35.920 --> 00:49:39.559 So I have a question, do. 978 00:49:41.599 --> 00:49:46.679 Mom and Grandma hobbies side only act this way towards you, 979 00:49:46.920 --> 00:49:50.840 or is this a prominent pattern with them towards everybody 980 00:49:51.679 --> 00:49:52.719 within the family unit. 981 00:49:53.719 --> 00:49:58.360 I feel like I'm very singled out. But there are 982 00:49:58.679 --> 00:50:05.440 like cousin cousins, right, that's what ari right, Okay, cousins 983 00:50:05.599 --> 00:50:10.480 that kind of like his cousins and like his mom, 984 00:50:11.000 --> 00:50:15.400 don't quite get along. And then like some of the 985 00:50:15.400 --> 00:50:20.320 the his theas don't quite like his siblings, like those 986 00:50:20.480 --> 00:50:23.079 types of like they all talk a little bit of 987 00:50:23.119 --> 00:50:26.519 shit about each other, But I don't ever really see 988 00:50:26.880 --> 00:50:29.159 personal attacks like I feel. 989 00:50:29.039 --> 00:50:31.880 Happened to me was because it's personal to you and 990 00:50:31.880 --> 00:50:33.239 and the other way around. 991 00:50:33.000 --> 00:50:33.280 It's not. 992 00:50:34.639 --> 00:50:36.519 So Now I have a question, Hovey, are you an 993 00:50:36.559 --> 00:50:38.239 only child or are you the only son? 994 00:50:39.480 --> 00:50:42.599 I'm actually the third child out of four. 995 00:50:43.760 --> 00:50:45.239 And he's got two other brothers. 996 00:50:45.440 --> 00:50:49.880 Okay, so now have another question for you. You you 997 00:50:49.920 --> 00:50:52.679 have dealt with your mom the longest she's your mother. 998 00:50:53.920 --> 00:50:56.920 Has she always had these tendencies? Do you feel like 999 00:50:57.000 --> 00:50:59.559 this has been a thing and maybe past relationships and 1000 00:50:59.719 --> 00:51:02.719 maybe y yeah, maybe like high school relationships when you 1001 00:51:02.719 --> 00:51:06.360 started dating that she would be aggressive towards your women, 1002 00:51:06.480 --> 00:51:07.800 or is it just with your wife. 1003 00:51:08.800 --> 00:51:14.559 Uh actually only well, no, what the first girlfriend? It 1004 00:51:14.760 --> 00:51:19.320 was it because she I'm not trying to be like 1005 00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:21.320 very you know, I'm want. 1006 00:51:21.199 --> 00:51:23.880 To say there's no worry of anything. 1007 00:51:24.320 --> 00:51:27.320 I'm gonna be straightforward. When oh, my first one, she. 1008 00:51:27.480 --> 00:51:33.400 Was very like aggressive and suicidal to the point where, yeah, 1009 00:51:33.480 --> 00:51:36.760 she was trying to be manipulive that I can't speak. 1010 00:51:37.639 --> 00:51:41.039 She was trying to be manipulive. She would use suicide 1011 00:51:41.159 --> 00:51:45.039 to make him stay or to make it do certain 1012 00:51:45.119 --> 00:51:46.719 things that she wanted him to do. 1013 00:51:46.920 --> 00:51:48.079 Adie, you just did it again. 1014 00:51:49.639 --> 00:51:52.280 No, he he couldn't pronounce the word and he asked 1015 00:51:52.320 --> 00:51:55.039 me to explain it because he wasn't getting. 1016 00:51:55.280 --> 00:52:01.079 Okay, Okay, I have a I have a major and 1017 00:52:01.719 --> 00:52:02.559 speech impediment. 1018 00:52:03.000 --> 00:52:04.880 What was born with so like most of the time 1019 00:52:04.920 --> 00:52:07.760 she'll speak for me on what I need to say, 1020 00:52:08.599 --> 00:52:14.360 so I can't pronounce certain things correctly, okay, and I 1021 00:52:14.360 --> 00:52:16.159 bring decides to mumble it. 1022 00:52:16.480 --> 00:52:18.559 Well, I'm gonna for what it's worth, We're able to 1023 00:52:18.559 --> 00:52:20.719 catch the Bible what you're trying to say. And while 1024 00:52:20.719 --> 00:52:22.639 we're speaking to you, at least I would rather hear 1025 00:52:22.639 --> 00:52:23.960 from you than have her talk over you. 1026 00:52:24.440 --> 00:52:26.119 Yeah, I'm a plan to see that. I think that's 1027 00:52:26.159 --> 00:52:29.800 actually a detriment. If you look at not just your wife, 1028 00:52:29.800 --> 00:52:32.320 anybody to speak for you, you are never going to 1029 00:52:32.400 --> 00:52:36.360 gain confidence or or develop beyond where you're at now. 1030 00:52:36.519 --> 00:52:41.360 Yeah, but yeah, she was very aggressive, tarred me to 1031 00:52:41.400 --> 00:52:44.519 the point where I had let her know one day 1032 00:52:44.559 --> 00:52:47.960 that I was taking a nap and like I was 1033 00:52:48.039 --> 00:52:50.920 very tired, I was already up for twenty four hours, 1034 00:52:51.679 --> 00:52:54.360 and she decided to send me a message saying that 1035 00:52:54.559 --> 00:52:56.559 I wasn't paying enough attention to her. 1036 00:52:57.559 --> 00:52:58.719 So that was the point. 1037 00:52:58.840 --> 00:53:02.519 My mom had saw it and told me, told me 1038 00:53:02.599 --> 00:53:07.320 straight up that she's not wanting and she doesn't want 1039 00:53:07.360 --> 00:53:10.159 to see this on my hands because it was about 1040 00:53:10.199 --> 00:53:17.400 her ending her own life. So I decided to tell 1041 00:53:18.360 --> 00:53:20.880 the first girlfriend that we were done because of that, 1042 00:53:21.719 --> 00:53:28.159 And it was something that I did. I had suggested 1043 00:53:28.239 --> 00:53:31.159 I'm doing myself because after seeing. 1044 00:53:32.360 --> 00:53:36.800 The way my mom looked at me, You're good, all right, 1045 00:53:39.599 --> 00:53:41.639 The way that my mother had looked at me, and 1046 00:53:41.679 --> 00:53:44.639 then the way the message had written, now I knew 1047 00:53:44.679 --> 00:53:49.880 that she was just trying to get more attention than 1048 00:53:49.920 --> 00:53:54.480 she needed just for her own uh fun out of it? 1049 00:53:54.960 --> 00:53:57.800 Okay, do you got anything on that because I do. 1050 00:53:59.239 --> 00:54:01.360 No that answer I think like maybe ten percent of 1051 00:54:01.360 --> 00:54:03.519 my question. So if you have something pertained to what 1052 00:54:03.599 --> 00:54:04.559 was just said, you can do that. 1053 00:54:04.599 --> 00:54:05.159 I'll be real quick. 1054 00:54:05.199 --> 00:54:09.000 Then Okay, this is so good that you were able 1055 00:54:09.039 --> 00:54:10.480 to see the manipulation happening. 1056 00:54:10.559 --> 00:54:12.000 That's a very good thing. 1057 00:54:12.559 --> 00:54:15.280 But it also gave your mom a power that she 1058 00:54:15.440 --> 00:54:17.840 didn't have otherwise because she told you to end it 1059 00:54:17.840 --> 00:54:21.920 and you did. The whole situation that's going on every 1060 00:54:22.079 --> 00:54:25.360 everything that just transpired, with the manipulation and the talking 1061 00:54:25.400 --> 00:54:28.480 over and the conversations that we just had, it sounds 1062 00:54:28.519 --> 00:54:31.719 like there's a lot of giving up your power to 1063 00:54:31.800 --> 00:54:34.639 other people and it's bleeding into your marriage and a 1064 00:54:34.679 --> 00:54:37.639 negative polarity because of it. And we can get into 1065 00:54:37.679 --> 00:54:39.400 that more iph we need to, but I just wanted 1066 00:54:39.440 --> 00:54:43.559 to point that out, like moms get very possessive over 1067 00:54:43.639 --> 00:54:46.000 their sons, especially when they have the power to do 1068 00:54:46.039 --> 00:54:49.320 so there's a very whole I brought you into this world, 1069 00:54:49.400 --> 00:54:50.960 I can take you out of it kind of thing, 1070 00:54:51.760 --> 00:54:54.400 and that's it's a very ugly situation for a lot 1071 00:54:54.440 --> 00:54:54.719 of people. 1072 00:54:54.800 --> 00:54:59.480 But go ahead, So with that, right, the first girlfriend 1073 00:54:59.519 --> 00:55:02.199 is when like she wasn't super overbearing, but she did 1074 00:55:02.239 --> 00:55:07.960 give a direction you followed it. So past that, have 1075 00:55:08.159 --> 00:55:11.639 had you noticed any other tendencies? Like does she overstep 1076 00:55:11.679 --> 00:55:14.079 into your personal life? Is this something that you've only 1077 00:55:14.159 --> 00:55:17.800 noticed with your wife? Is this something that has only 1078 00:55:17.840 --> 00:55:20.639 happened with your wife? Beyond that that first instance with 1079 00:55:20.800 --> 00:55:24.639 the manic girlfriend, we can say. 1080 00:55:25.840 --> 00:55:28.320 I would say yes, because she has stepped in and 1081 00:55:28.360 --> 00:55:31.920 she's tried to like tell me how things are supposed 1082 00:55:31.920 --> 00:55:33.360 to be done. 1083 00:55:33.559 --> 00:55:35.679 But like I've never actually. 1084 00:55:36.840 --> 00:55:46.119 Like accepted what she says because it's my marriage. 1085 00:55:44.559 --> 00:55:45.480 Like yeah, she's my. 1086 00:55:45.559 --> 00:55:49.559 Mother's, but when she gets suppressed to her about what 1087 00:55:49.719 --> 00:55:52.679 she needs to be done, I really don't. 1088 00:55:53.559 --> 00:55:57.719 I let it be her opinion, not her her voice 1089 00:55:57.760 --> 00:55:58.000 in it. 1090 00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:00.800 Can you elaborate on that? What do you mean by 1091 00:56:00.800 --> 00:56:02.199 her opinion versus her voice? 1092 00:56:03.280 --> 00:56:06.360 Like she could make her own statement on how she 1093 00:56:06.480 --> 00:56:10.239 wants us to uh, how she wants us to live 1094 00:56:10.280 --> 00:56:15.239 and everything. But all in all, it's like it we're 1095 00:56:15.320 --> 00:56:20.679 living our own life. You still have your marriage and 1096 00:56:21.039 --> 00:56:25.239 like like I told her multiple times, Like like I said, 1097 00:56:25.280 --> 00:56:28.320 I told her behind when it's just me and her, 1098 00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:34.960 like it it's our life, Like I'll take her I'll 1099 00:56:35.039 --> 00:56:38.239 listen to her opinion, but I won't actually like fully 1100 00:56:38.280 --> 00:56:39.719 take it unless it's needed. 1101 00:56:41.159 --> 00:56:43.360 So when we're taking it with a grain of salt. 1102 00:56:44.840 --> 00:56:48.599 Yes, that makes sense. So what I'm taking away from 1103 00:56:48.599 --> 00:56:50.599 what you're saying is that your mom is just kind 1104 00:56:50.599 --> 00:56:51.880 of like talking a bunch of hot air and it 1105 00:56:51.880 --> 00:56:53.519 doesn't really bother you. It's in one year out the other, 1106 00:56:55.400 --> 00:56:57.159 not a big, big disruption to your life. 1107 00:56:57.199 --> 00:57:01.480 Okay, unless it's unless it's it's something that's really needed, 1108 00:57:01.599 --> 00:57:05.880 I will take it as advice, but other than that, 1109 00:57:06.000 --> 00:57:08.559 it would just be opinions. 1110 00:57:08.800 --> 00:57:09.880 So now let me ask you this. 1111 00:57:09.960 --> 00:57:11.679 Do you do you feel like I just don't want 1112 00:57:11.679 --> 00:57:13.559 to deal with my mom like she's just talking shit. 1113 00:57:13.599 --> 00:57:17.280 I'm a letter talk shit and then continue off my life. 1114 00:57:16.719 --> 00:57:21.239 Pretty much because as she was saying, as aDNA was saying, 1115 00:57:21.239 --> 00:57:23.800 she h, my family. 1116 00:57:23.519 --> 00:57:28.599 Has a bunch of problems between cousins, siblings, stuff like that, 1117 00:57:30.719 --> 00:57:35.119 because I listen to what she tells me and like 1118 00:57:35.880 --> 00:57:40.599 she does back us up compared to my other cousins. 1119 00:57:40.719 --> 00:57:44.840 But she won't say it to a Dina because I 1120 00:57:44.840 --> 00:57:48.199 guess she has a boundary between her and my wife. 1121 00:57:48.400 --> 00:57:50.719 So why do you think that is why do you 1122 00:57:50.719 --> 00:57:53.119 think your mom is acting this way towards your wife? 1123 00:57:54.119 --> 00:57:55.360 To be honest, I'm not too sure. 1124 00:57:55.559 --> 00:57:59.760 She likes to keep herself like at a certain standing 1125 00:58:00.119 --> 00:58:06.280 point where she she doesn't want to be too appreciated, 1126 00:58:06.360 --> 00:58:14.480 but she doesn't want to be too like like controlling. 1127 00:58:14.639 --> 00:58:18.440 I would see, Okay, I don't know the work to 1128 00:58:18.519 --> 00:58:19.079 put for it. 1129 00:58:20.360 --> 00:58:22.000 I have one more question, and then a husband, if 1130 00:58:22.000 --> 00:58:24.679 you want to jump in you can. What are the 1131 00:58:24.719 --> 00:58:26.800 things that you have said to your mom behind the 1132 00:58:26.840 --> 00:58:28.760 closed door to try and let her know that what 1133 00:58:28.800 --> 00:58:30.000 she's doing is not okay. 1134 00:58:32.880 --> 00:58:35.519 I've told her that a lot of the stuff that 1135 00:58:35.559 --> 00:58:38.960 when it comes to like the medical stuff, that yeah, 1136 00:58:39.679 --> 00:58:42.159 a lot of places aren't trying to help her out, 1137 00:58:43.599 --> 00:58:49.679 and we're trying different not areas, but like insurances try 1138 00:58:49.719 --> 00:58:53.400 to work with her because a lot of places apparently 1139 00:58:53.480 --> 00:58:58.000 she doesn't meet the credentials or the criteria that need 1140 00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:01.880 it for their support for their insurance. 1141 00:59:02.119 --> 00:59:05.880 And I've told her plenty of times that we're still 1142 00:59:05.920 --> 00:59:06.639 working on this. 1143 00:59:06.880 --> 00:59:09.320 If I when I move up, we're going to try 1144 00:59:09.360 --> 00:59:14.440 to go to like a better insurance policy or health 1145 00:59:14.519 --> 00:59:18.880 policy that way they could help her with the benefits 1146 00:59:18.880 --> 00:59:20.360 that she needs. 1147 00:59:20.960 --> 00:59:23.159 Okay, I see you over there writing. 1148 00:59:23.599 --> 00:59:25.480 Yeah, I was trying to think of how to word 1149 00:59:25.519 --> 00:59:27.760 this on paper, and I think I've got enough written 1150 00:59:27.760 --> 00:59:29.559 down that I'm not gonna forget it, so it doesn't matter. 1151 00:59:30.079 --> 00:59:30.440 You can go. 1152 00:59:31.119 --> 00:59:34.559 So I'm curious, does your mom and grandmother help you 1153 00:59:34.599 --> 00:59:39.159 guys financially because of ADDIE's illnesses? Or is this a 1154 00:59:40.239 --> 00:59:41.719 like how does that look for you guys? 1155 00:59:42.639 --> 00:59:46.199 I forgot to mention this before my grandma had passed 1156 00:59:46.199 --> 00:59:48.760 away years back. 1157 00:59:48.840 --> 00:59:52.599 Okay, okay, so she's not obviously not an issue anymore then, No, 1158 00:59:53.199 --> 00:59:53.920 So then why did that? 1159 00:59:54.519 --> 00:59:58.840 It's more like, since since I didn't know my grandma, 1160 00:59:59.039 --> 01:00:03.800 my wife didn't know her, I know how she acts 1161 01:00:04.400 --> 01:00:09.360 and how she is, uh like in the way of 1162 01:00:09.400 --> 01:00:10.639 seeing how my grandma was. 1163 01:00:10.800 --> 01:00:13.440 Okay, that makes sense why she was brought up and 1164 01:00:13.639 --> 01:00:16.239 I couldn't figure out where there was a correlation. Okay, 1165 01:00:16.280 --> 01:00:18.519 So does is your mom helping you guys out financially? 1166 01:00:18.599 --> 01:00:21.920 Is there any type of transactional things going on in 1167 01:00:22.039 --> 01:00:23.000 between the two of you? 1168 01:00:24.320 --> 01:00:26.119 So before it was when I was. 1169 01:00:27.800 --> 01:00:32.599 The previous job I had, it was barely covering all 1170 01:00:32.639 --> 01:00:36.360 her our bills and a lot of the stuff that 1171 01:00:36.440 --> 01:00:37.880 we needed was mainly. 1172 01:00:37.639 --> 01:00:40.320 For like gas, so that way I could get to 1173 01:00:40.400 --> 01:00:41.280 work and get. 1174 01:00:41.039 --> 01:00:45.360 Back And that was mainly the biggest thing, was helping 1175 01:00:45.440 --> 01:00:46.360 us with gas money. 1176 01:00:47.239 --> 01:00:47.760 Uh. 1177 01:00:48.320 --> 01:00:54.000 Before that, before I got the job, it was I 1178 01:00:54.119 --> 01:00:54.840 was laid off of. 1179 01:00:54.760 --> 01:00:59.320 Work because oh, I mean, I'll get to that. 1180 01:01:01.280 --> 01:01:03.480 Before I had, I had lost my job when I 1181 01:01:03.519 --> 01:01:08.880 was working with Walmart, one of the bigger companies. I 1182 01:01:09.159 --> 01:01:12.559 was asking around with my families if they could help 1183 01:01:12.599 --> 01:01:14.920 me out, you know, and I'll do stuff in exchange. 1184 01:01:15.760 --> 01:01:18.559 A lot of that stuff was just you know, yard 1185 01:01:18.599 --> 01:01:24.960 work or small uh. Aaron runs with them and they 1186 01:01:24.960 --> 01:01:28.960 would help us out that way. And that was before 1187 01:01:29.079 --> 01:01:31.360 I had. Like I said, I had lost my job 1188 01:01:31.920 --> 01:01:35.000 when she was working, but she still wasn't getting enough money, 1189 01:01:36.079 --> 01:01:38.719 so it was only enough to get us through. 1190 01:01:39.079 --> 01:01:40.079 Some of my bills. 1191 01:01:40.239 --> 01:01:43.079 Okay, So is that the biggest Is that still happening? 1192 01:01:43.119 --> 01:01:45.440 And have you paid that debt off? Or was the 1193 01:01:45.519 --> 01:01:48.599 transactions forgiven as work completed paid? 1194 01:01:49.719 --> 01:01:52.679 So I'm still working off some of the uh the 1195 01:01:52.719 --> 01:01:55.800 amount that we borrowed from her. 1196 01:01:57.199 --> 01:01:59.920 A lot of the. 1197 01:01:58.800 --> 01:02:03.639 Transactions is only me helping out with yard work on 1198 01:02:03.679 --> 01:02:07.599 my days off or if she needs she needs someone 1199 01:02:07.639 --> 01:02:11.840 to go with her to pick up my nephew or 1200 01:02:11.880 --> 01:02:16.159 my brother from my nephew from school, or my younger 1201 01:02:16.199 --> 01:02:19.440 brother from work if she doesn't have the time to 1202 01:02:19.519 --> 01:02:22.920 go get them, or if she's not in the the area. 1203 01:02:24.000 --> 01:02:28.840 Because she still takes care of my grandpa and because 1204 01:02:28.880 --> 01:02:31.280 she's the only one doing it, so she'll ask me 1205 01:02:31.559 --> 01:02:37.599 in return, and in that return, it's paying off some 1206 01:02:37.639 --> 01:02:39.639 of the debt that we owe her. 1207 01:02:39.679 --> 01:02:43.599 Okay, Okay, So it's important to not owe people things. 1208 01:02:44.039 --> 01:02:46.360 So I'm glad that you're actually working to do that. 1209 01:02:46.440 --> 01:02:48.679 If there's also an honor in being able to be 1210 01:02:48.719 --> 01:02:50.960 there for your elders, like real shit, there's a lot 1211 01:02:50.960 --> 01:02:52.519 of respect in that for me, So good on you 1212 01:02:52.599 --> 01:02:55.440 on that. You also have to understand that you doing 1213 01:02:55.480 --> 01:02:57.679 the things that you're doing for your elders and being 1214 01:02:57.719 --> 01:02:59.320 a part of your family the way that you are 1215 01:02:59.599 --> 01:03:02.679 is it makes you an asset to your family, and 1216 01:03:02.719 --> 01:03:05.519 a lot of people don't realize that it does give 1217 01:03:05.559 --> 01:03:07.880 you a little bit of leverage that you otherwise may 1218 01:03:07.920 --> 01:03:10.880 not have had earlier. When you were talking, you said 1219 01:03:10.880 --> 01:03:13.320 that that your mom talks about your cousins to you, 1220 01:03:13.400 --> 01:03:15.360 and she kind of defends you. Guys, to a degree. 1221 01:03:15.400 --> 01:03:17.800 If somebody gossips to you, they'll gossip about you, and 1222 01:03:17.840 --> 01:03:21.039 that's important to remember as well. There's a whole lot 1223 01:03:21.159 --> 01:03:24.199 of everything that's gone on in is call, like there's 1224 01:03:24.199 --> 01:03:26.239 been a lot of good back and forth and information given, 1225 01:03:26.440 --> 01:03:29.039 I believe, But I also think that the biggest lesson 1226 01:03:29.119 --> 01:03:30.559 that the two of you need to have here is 1227 01:03:30.559 --> 01:03:33.039 a united front about how you're going to conduct yourselves 1228 01:03:33.360 --> 01:03:38.280 marriage wise. Your mom being somebody that is just a boisterous, 1229 01:03:38.360 --> 01:03:42.079 hot air breather, and you've experienced that your entire life. 1230 01:03:42.159 --> 01:03:44.920 That's just who she is, and you have accepted her 1231 01:03:45.039 --> 01:03:48.719 for that. Your wife has not. So there's got to 1232 01:03:48.760 --> 01:03:51.639 be a level of when she's giving unwarranted opinions, where 1233 01:03:51.679 --> 01:03:54.760 she's saying things that your wife may view as disrespectful, 1234 01:03:54.840 --> 01:03:57.000 even if she's not there, you have to correct that 1235 01:03:57.039 --> 01:03:59.719 behavior in the moment. Mom, I'm not going to allow 1236 01:03:59.719 --> 01:04:01.559 you to talk to my wife or about my wife 1237 01:04:01.559 --> 01:04:04.599 that way. I would appreciate it if you stopped. It's polite. 1238 01:04:05.280 --> 01:04:07.760 It will start to correct that behavior, and it'll carry 1239 01:04:07.760 --> 01:04:11.280 you over into the interactions that your wife has real shit. 1240 01:04:11.360 --> 01:04:13.320 Beyond that, there's not a whole lot of advice that 1241 01:04:13.360 --> 01:04:15.320 we can give you guys in terms of what's going 1242 01:04:15.360 --> 01:04:17.800 on in this relationship thing other than you both need 1243 01:04:17.840 --> 01:04:21.599 to have a united front about the marriage to everyone 1244 01:04:21.760 --> 01:04:24.559 that's got an opinion, a disrespect, or anything else that 1245 01:04:24.639 --> 01:04:26.119 goes on. It needs to be the two of you 1246 01:04:26.199 --> 01:04:30.599 versus the world Robanni and Clyde shit like that's I 1247 01:04:30.639 --> 01:04:32.239 gotta be honest. At this point, I feel like we've 1248 01:04:32.239 --> 01:04:33.960 exhausted the parent thing quite a bit and I don't 1249 01:04:33.960 --> 01:04:35.280 want to keep harping on it. We've been an hour, 1250 01:04:35.280 --> 01:04:36.880 and if there's other things I want to get into, 1251 01:04:37.679 --> 01:04:39.519 get into them. I know that you were making notes though, 1252 01:04:39.519 --> 01:04:41.079 so if you've got things to run through, let's run 1253 01:04:41.119 --> 01:04:42.719 through that and then let's move to the next topic. 1254 01:04:44.000 --> 01:04:45.440 The last thing that I want to say to that 1255 01:04:45.639 --> 01:04:49.840 is correcting your mom doesn't, like we said in the beginning, 1256 01:04:49.880 --> 01:04:56.119 doesn't have to be this volcano eruption, destructive, life ending conversation. 1257 01:04:56.719 --> 01:04:59.159 It is a gentle correction of mom, don't talk about 1258 01:04:59.159 --> 01:05:01.639 my wife that way, and then continuing onward if she 1259 01:05:01.760 --> 01:05:04.639 tries to pick a fight, Mom, I'm not mad at you, 1260 01:05:04.960 --> 01:05:08.000 I'm not yelling at you. I'm just gently letting you 1261 01:05:08.079 --> 01:05:10.159 know that we've talked about this, and I don't want 1262 01:05:10.159 --> 01:05:11.199 you talk about my wife like that. 1263 01:05:11.760 --> 01:05:12.280 I love you. 1264 01:05:12.360 --> 01:05:14.199 I'm gonna go finish doing the yard stuff, and if 1265 01:05:14.239 --> 01:05:15.920 you're frustrated, we can talk about it when you're. 1266 01:05:15.800 --> 01:05:16.679 Not frustrated anymore. 1267 01:05:16.719 --> 01:05:18.239 There it is, and. 1268 01:05:18.199 --> 01:05:19.119 Then go do your thing. 1269 01:05:19.400 --> 01:05:24.599 People who gossip and shit talk and nitpick and pull 1270 01:05:24.679 --> 01:05:29.400 people apart are not okay people. There is some deep 1271 01:05:29.559 --> 01:05:36.760 rooted darkness that that stems from. And your corrections of 1272 01:05:36.840 --> 01:05:38.840 your mom might be the light that needs to be 1273 01:05:38.880 --> 01:05:41.039 shine on these things for her to recognize that she 1274 01:05:41.199 --> 01:05:43.599 is being a detriment to her family as a matriarch. 1275 01:05:43.840 --> 01:05:47.679 There you go, well said, and the matriarch word good 1276 01:05:47.679 --> 01:05:51.800 timing for that. I normally don't like those terms. Yeah yeah, 1277 01:05:52.840 --> 01:05:55.079 good on that, baby. What else do you guys got? 1278 01:05:55.159 --> 01:05:56.639 You guys have other things that you want to try 1279 01:05:56.679 --> 01:05:57.159 to get through. 1280 01:05:58.559 --> 01:06:05.519 My other bakes and it's just really communication on how 1281 01:06:05.559 --> 01:06:10.119 he's feeling, and like him talking to me about those 1282 01:06:10.159 --> 01:06:16.079 emotions so I can understand because he I feel he 1283 01:06:16.199 --> 01:06:21.239 really struggles to tell me, hey, I'm mad because you 1284 01:06:21.320 --> 01:06:24.880 did this, or I'm I'm he lets them like he 1285 01:06:24.960 --> 01:06:31.119 just pushes everything down until he's he explodes at some 1286 01:06:31.239 --> 01:06:35.039 point in some way, whether that's having a panic attack 1287 01:06:35.159 --> 01:06:38.760 or having a nightmare or whatever the case, and I 1288 01:06:38.920 --> 01:06:42.800 just worry about his mental health because of it. And 1289 01:06:42.880 --> 01:06:45.519 I don't know how else I can help, because I'm 1290 01:06:45.559 --> 01:06:48.599 not a man, and I know that that's a different 1291 01:06:48.719 --> 01:06:50.960 experience than what I've been through. 1292 01:06:51.960 --> 01:06:52.639 So real shit. 1293 01:06:52.719 --> 01:06:54.360 After an hour and a half talking about his mom, 1294 01:06:54.400 --> 01:06:55.360 I can see why he's like that. 1295 01:06:55.559 --> 01:06:57.599 Yep, a whole lot of training. 1296 01:06:58.000 --> 01:07:00.519 Yeah, And it's not just his mom. 1297 01:07:00.639 --> 01:07:02.400 It's the way that you guys interact with each other. 1298 01:07:03.000 --> 01:07:04.800 Earlier when I was like, I want to hear you speak, 1299 01:07:04.840 --> 01:07:07.280 regardless of you mumbling or or not having the words, Like, 1300 01:07:07.320 --> 01:07:10.599 there's a power in your voice. When you guys give 1301 01:07:10.679 --> 01:07:12.920 your power away and let other people speak for you, 1302 01:07:12.920 --> 01:07:16.039 you become recluse. Like you know that, you catch the vibe, 1303 01:07:16.039 --> 01:07:17.480 you get what I'm saying, and you just kind of 1304 01:07:17.519 --> 01:07:18.039 quit talking. 1305 01:07:18.079 --> 01:07:20.679 Well, that's it's not the same thing. 1306 01:07:20.800 --> 01:07:21.840 You're shutting yourself down. 1307 01:07:21.960 --> 01:07:22.079 Right. 1308 01:07:22.119 --> 01:07:24.280 We have conversations on the podcast all the time about 1309 01:07:24.320 --> 01:07:27.719 couples not having honest conversations. You guys will have a 1310 01:07:27.800 --> 01:07:29.920 conversation and you will beat around the bush and you 1311 01:07:29.920 --> 01:07:31.880 will put so much sugar on the thing that it's 1312 01:07:31.920 --> 01:07:34.440 just sweet now, and it's not the fucking bitterness that 1313 01:07:34.519 --> 01:07:36.800 needs to be had. And I'm not saying you need 1314 01:07:36.840 --> 01:07:38.440 to fight, but you need to be fucking honest with 1315 01:07:38.480 --> 01:07:40.679 each other. And if you're not okay with the way 1316 01:07:40.719 --> 01:07:42.800 things were said, or you don't feel good when somebody 1317 01:07:42.800 --> 01:07:46.199 goes to bed without the other person or whatever whatever whatever, 1318 01:07:46.239 --> 01:07:49.000 it needs to be like, Hey, I don't like that. Yeah, 1319 01:07:49.719 --> 01:07:51.719 what do you mean? You don't like that? This happened. 1320 01:07:51.880 --> 01:07:53.800 This is how I feel, and I don't like the 1321 01:07:53.800 --> 01:07:57.239 way I feel right now. Most people aren't told that 1322 01:07:57.239 --> 01:07:59.320 that's okay. We're told to suck at the fuck up, 1323 01:07:59.400 --> 01:08:02.239 shut ups down, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get 1324 01:08:02.280 --> 01:08:02.639 to work. 1325 01:08:02.719 --> 01:08:04.880 Men, don't cry. We don't want to hear it. 1326 01:08:04.920 --> 01:08:08.880 Nobody's got time for your nonsense. Boohoo, you fucking sissy. 1327 01:08:08.960 --> 01:08:11.960 And that's that's the life of man. Whereas women are 1328 01:08:11.960 --> 01:08:14.599 told to express themselves and to communicate and have effective 1329 01:08:14.599 --> 01:08:17.680 communication because you know, you, guys are allowed to cry 1330 01:08:17.680 --> 01:08:20.279 and that's that's a weapon, and that's a tool, and 1331 01:08:20.319 --> 01:08:22.000 it's all these other things and we're not allowed doing 1332 01:08:22.000 --> 01:08:23.479 of that. Shit, and if we get upset, now we're 1333 01:08:23.520 --> 01:08:26.479 an asshole or a narcissist or an aggressor, so like 1334 01:08:26.560 --> 01:08:29.319 we have to tiptoe around things. It's very different for 1335 01:08:29.399 --> 01:08:31.640 a man's emotional state, mental state than it is for 1336 01:08:31.680 --> 01:08:35.000 a woman because of the way that we're raised. There's 1337 01:08:35.079 --> 01:08:37.159 a whole lot of you train your person on how 1338 01:08:37.199 --> 01:08:40.920 to deal with you. And the first time I was 1339 01:08:40.960 --> 01:08:43.760 emotional with my wife, or I cried, or you know whatever, 1340 01:08:43.800 --> 01:08:45.920 the first time she saw me in pain, whatever, whatever, whatever, 1341 01:08:46.000 --> 01:08:50.600 Every single one of those firsts are an opportunity. Were 1342 01:08:50.720 --> 01:08:53.439 an opportunity for her to show me how I am 1343 01:08:53.479 --> 01:08:56.520 able to be with her. If I was vulnerable, I 1344 01:08:56.560 --> 01:08:58.479 hate that term, it's not the right term. But if 1345 01:08:58.520 --> 01:09:00.399 I was in a moment of weakness and she got 1346 01:09:00.439 --> 01:09:04.159 exposed to that, her reaction to that thing tells me 1347 01:09:04.239 --> 01:09:06.359 exactly how I am. If I feel like I'm being 1348 01:09:06.800 --> 01:09:09.600 looked down on, if it feels like she sees me 1349 01:09:09.640 --> 01:09:12.319 as less than you're not getting a side of me anymore, 1350 01:09:12.960 --> 01:09:15.600 I'll fucking break my femur bone and I'm gonna walk 1351 01:09:15.640 --> 01:09:17.279 that shit off and go cry in the car away 1352 01:09:17.279 --> 01:09:20.000 from everyone, because you show me that you're gonna look 1353 01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:22.079 down on me or think less of me because of 1354 01:09:22.119 --> 01:09:25.840 these things, every one of those instances. It only takes 1355 01:09:25.840 --> 01:09:28.039 once for that to change the way that you conduct 1356 01:09:28.039 --> 01:09:30.840 yourself in your marriage or around other people, especially with men. 1357 01:09:31.720 --> 01:09:34.800 So you have to train him to be And training 1358 01:09:34.960 --> 01:09:37.319 is such a bad word. It's like we're dogs. But 1359 01:09:37.399 --> 01:09:40.079 the truth of the matter is everything in life is training. 1360 01:09:40.560 --> 01:09:43.039 We're animals, right. Learning to speak is training. 1361 01:09:43.399 --> 01:09:44.159 Body training. 1362 01:09:45.239 --> 01:09:48.279 Yes, So when things come up and he is not 1363 01:09:48.399 --> 01:09:51.880 having a good day, you saying, hey, I can tell 1364 01:09:51.880 --> 01:09:54.439 you're mad. Well, what if he's not and you just 1365 01:09:54.479 --> 01:09:57.800 think that because you're feeling insecure in the moment. Now 1366 01:09:57.840 --> 01:09:59.800 you've assumed some shit. You've told him how he's felt, 1367 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.319 because he's not used to speaking for himself. I'm assuming 1368 01:10:03.399 --> 01:10:06.800 obviously this is hypothetical. He doesn't correct it. He's just like, no, 1369 01:10:06.880 --> 01:10:08.880 I'm okay, And that's the end of the conversation. I'm 1370 01:10:08.920 --> 01:10:10.600 not mad, I promise I'm that mad. Well, what about 1371 01:10:10.600 --> 01:10:12.800 the depression or the sadness, or the fucked up conversation 1372 01:10:12.880 --> 01:10:14.720 you have with the boss or maybe the mom and 1373 01:10:14.760 --> 01:10:16.439 him got into an argument earlier, Like there's a whole 1374 01:10:16.439 --> 01:10:19.279 lot of you need to probe and not assume. Hey, 1375 01:10:19.840 --> 01:10:21.319 I don't feel like the energy in the house is 1376 01:10:21.399 --> 01:10:23.720 right right now, what's going on? Talk to me, you know, 1377 01:10:24.159 --> 01:10:28.600 be available and shut the fuck up, ask the question 1378 01:10:28.640 --> 01:10:31.079 and sit there for forty five minutes and complete silence 1379 01:10:31.119 --> 01:10:33.119 if you have to, and if it doesn't get answered, 1380 01:10:33.119 --> 01:10:35.199 and be like, hey, I know you've been pondering it. 1381 01:10:35.720 --> 01:10:37.600 You talk about it, yeah, And if he says no, 1382 01:10:37.680 --> 01:10:39.000 then you just got to leave it alone. But you 1383 01:10:39.039 --> 01:10:40.920 have to be able to give the opportunity for that 1384 01:10:42.720 --> 01:10:45.840 habitual pattern of life to be broken. And it started 1385 01:10:45.840 --> 01:10:48.239 with mom and it's continued so like, And this isn't 1386 01:10:48.279 --> 01:10:49.760 a fuck you to either one of you, guys. I'm 1387 01:10:49.840 --> 01:10:55.239 not being nasty. This is just simple behavioral modifications that's 1388 01:10:55.279 --> 01:10:56.479 going to improve your life. 1389 01:10:57.199 --> 01:10:58.000 Yeah. 1390 01:10:58.119 --> 01:11:01.479 I have a question for Hovey. Are you well versed 1391 01:11:01.479 --> 01:11:06.640 in your emotions? Can you identify that bothered me? I 1392 01:11:06.640 --> 01:11:09.359 don't like the way that that felt fill in the 1393 01:11:09.399 --> 01:11:12.520 blank or do you like, oh, I don't like that. 1394 01:11:12.600 --> 01:11:14.119 And then just kind of like shoven under a rugger 1395 01:11:14.159 --> 01:11:19.680 into a bottle kind of folds are your emotions and 1396 01:11:19.760 --> 01:11:26.119 inconvenience to you, very your emotions will never go away 1397 01:11:27.359 --> 01:11:30.479 and until you learn how to interpret right, because our 1398 01:11:30.520 --> 01:11:32.880 emotions are not just something that we feel that is 1399 01:11:32.920 --> 01:11:35.680 a signal from our body telling our minds that something 1400 01:11:35.720 --> 01:11:39.720 is not okay. A boundary was crossed. You let yourself 1401 01:11:39.760 --> 01:11:42.520 dip below your standard or expectations for yourself fill in 1402 01:11:42.520 --> 01:11:46.359 the blank for whatever causes the negative emotion. You continuing 1403 01:11:46.399 --> 01:11:48.840 to ignore your emotions inside of you because you don't 1404 01:11:48.880 --> 01:11:50.600 have the time to deal with them, or you have 1405 01:11:50.680 --> 01:11:52.439 life shit going on, or you have to take care 1406 01:11:52.479 --> 01:11:54.520 of your woman and I can't handle this right now. 1407 01:11:55.520 --> 01:11:58.279 You are neglecting yourself and you're training your nervous system 1408 01:11:58.359 --> 01:12:01.119 that you cannot be trust with you, and in turn, 1409 01:12:01.159 --> 01:12:04.560 you're becoming your own abuser. You got to sit with 1410 01:12:04.600 --> 01:12:07.199 your emotions, man. You have to identify the things that 1411 01:12:07.239 --> 01:12:09.520 don't sit right with your soul, the things that bother you, 1412 01:12:10.000 --> 01:12:11.279 and you need to communicate it. 1413 01:12:11.720 --> 01:12:12.439 And if your. 1414 01:12:12.359 --> 01:12:16.119 Wife takes it poorly, or your coworker takes it poorly, 1415 01:12:16.359 --> 01:12:20.600 or whomever this this is coming up with, their reaction 1416 01:12:20.800 --> 01:12:23.800 is not your problem. 1417 01:12:24.439 --> 01:12:26.000 And your delivery is Yes. 1418 01:12:26.239 --> 01:12:27.399 Yeah. 1419 01:12:27.520 --> 01:12:29.920 One of the best things about being married to somebody 1420 01:12:29.960 --> 01:12:32.720 is that they actually give a fuck about you and 1421 01:12:32.760 --> 01:12:34.800 you have a woman here who is looking at you 1422 01:12:34.840 --> 01:12:36.600 and saying, I want to help you heal all of 1423 01:12:36.640 --> 01:12:38.960 the shit that's broken inside of you because you deserve 1424 01:12:39.039 --> 01:12:42.560 so much more out of life. And by ignoring that, 1425 01:12:42.880 --> 01:12:46.600 not only are you suppressing something for her yourself, you 1426 01:12:46.720 --> 01:12:50.319 are denying her the opportunity to spread love and joy. 1427 01:12:50.760 --> 01:12:53.239 And if you guys have faith or religion, that that's 1428 01:12:53.279 --> 01:12:56.640 the whole fucking point. We're here to be loving like 1429 01:12:56.760 --> 01:13:02.279 Christ was, to share and serve and be of service. Now, 1430 01:13:02.359 --> 01:13:04.079 let me ask you this. Do you feel like you're 1431 01:13:04.079 --> 01:13:06.199 a burden to your wife if you are emotional? 1432 01:13:07.680 --> 01:13:09.880 Sometimes? Yeah? 1433 01:13:10.039 --> 01:13:12.199 Is that because of the way that she responds to you? 1434 01:13:12.279 --> 01:13:14.520 Or is that just the way you've you've been taught 1435 01:13:14.560 --> 01:13:16.840 that men are to women if they're emotional. 1436 01:13:18.199 --> 01:13:23.960 Be honest, Yeah, be honest, Yeah, honestly, more of that's 1437 01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:25.039 how we're taught. 1438 01:13:25.439 --> 01:13:29.319 Less like slight amount of the way she is. 1439 01:13:30.920 --> 01:13:35.199 Okay, So just that slight amount we can say it's 1440 01:13:35.239 --> 01:13:38.199 point zero zero two percent means they're still work to 1441 01:13:38.199 --> 01:13:40.640 be done right. So what does that look like when 1442 01:13:40.920 --> 01:13:42.920 you try to bring something right? And this is not 1443 01:13:42.960 --> 01:13:44.920 an attack on your woman, Addie, This is not putting 1444 01:13:44.920 --> 01:13:48.640 you in a bad light. This is the feedback to 1445 01:13:48.720 --> 01:13:52.159 get what you want out of your man. So that 1446 01:13:52.239 --> 01:13:55.159 point zero zero two percent, what does that feel like 1447 01:13:55.279 --> 01:13:56.600 for you when that does happen? 1448 01:13:57.880 --> 01:13:59.159 And what is it that she does? 1449 01:14:03.520 --> 01:14:07.880 So a lot of times it's well, as you guys 1450 01:14:08.000 --> 01:14:12.560 can see as the interrupting, it's when I can't like 1451 01:14:12.680 --> 01:14:15.479 really want to express myself. 1452 01:14:15.720 --> 01:14:16.720 So when she. 1453 01:14:23.640 --> 01:14:28.319 When she like talks over me, it just makes me 1454 01:14:28.760 --> 01:14:31.600 shut down even more than. 1455 01:14:32.960 --> 01:14:42.079 What I was taught Addie. 1456 01:14:42.159 --> 01:14:45.319 This isn't a feel bad moment. This is data collection. 1457 01:14:45.960 --> 01:14:48.800 These are the honest conversations when we do check ins 1458 01:14:48.800 --> 01:14:51.600 that we want real shit. The fact that he just 1459 01:14:51.680 --> 01:14:53.479 said that in front of you, live, in front of 1460 01:14:53.520 --> 01:14:54.840 the people that we're on and this is going to 1461 01:14:54.880 --> 01:14:57.079 be on a podcast. This shows that he trusts you 1462 01:14:57.640 --> 01:14:59.960 and this is an opportunity for you to grow in love. 1463 01:15:00.039 --> 01:15:03.239 You're fucking man like this. These are the conversations that 1464 01:15:03.279 --> 01:15:05.239 you have at bedtime where you think the person for 1465 01:15:05.279 --> 01:15:07.520 being honest with you, even though it's suck to hear. 1466 01:15:08.279 --> 01:15:10.560 This is how we fucking improve guys. 1467 01:15:11.399 --> 01:15:16.800 Yeah, so with you, I agree with that. I didn't 1468 01:15:16.960 --> 01:15:19.199 realize you were already speaking. It's there's a little bit 1469 01:15:19.199 --> 01:15:25.319 of lag. My bad, uh, Peaches, But I am sorry 1470 01:15:25.359 --> 01:15:28.600 if I ever made you feel like you could not 1471 01:15:29.920 --> 01:15:33.279 tell me any hard truth. It's just like when we 1472 01:15:33.279 --> 01:15:38.399 were having issues a year and a half ago. I 1473 01:15:38.560 --> 01:15:42.720 need to know the whole truth. I need all of 1474 01:15:42.760 --> 01:15:46.640 the information so that I can help to the fullest 1475 01:15:46.640 --> 01:15:50.159 of my ability, because if something is left out, even 1476 01:15:50.199 --> 01:15:52.520 if it hurts my feelings and I have to sit 1477 01:15:52.560 --> 01:15:56.560 there for a minute and think about my actions, that's 1478 01:15:56.600 --> 01:16:00.600 something I have to do because it's gonna help our marriage, 1479 01:16:00.640 --> 01:16:04.680 and it's gonna help you. And that's my job as 1480 01:16:04.720 --> 01:16:11.600 your wife and helping you to identify those emotions. And 1481 01:16:11.680 --> 01:16:15.279 even when it's hard to tell me, I need you 1482 01:16:15.319 --> 01:16:19.359 to tell me anyways, and realize that no matter what 1483 01:16:19.399 --> 01:16:22.239 you tell me, at the end of the day, you're 1484 01:16:22.319 --> 01:16:26.119 still my person. It's not gonna change. 1485 01:16:26.840 --> 01:16:30.439 So with all of that being said, I'm assuming that 1486 01:16:30.560 --> 01:16:32.840 something that's been said before because of the conviction that's 1487 01:16:32.880 --> 01:16:36.000 been said with I'm gonna read this first because I 1488 01:16:36.000 --> 01:16:38.000 wrote down something so Addie, as a woman, you need 1489 01:16:38.039 --> 01:16:42.079 to understand what he needs from you emotionally. So him 1490 01:16:42.159 --> 01:16:46.239 saying now that the interruptions are a problem. He just 1491 01:16:46.319 --> 01:16:48.239 voiced what he needs from you emotionally in order to 1492 01:16:48.239 --> 01:16:51.199 step into what you want him to be or how 1493 01:16:51.199 --> 01:16:52.840 open you want him to be as a husband. 1494 01:16:53.840 --> 01:16:55.319 I love everything that you just said. 1495 01:16:55.560 --> 01:16:57.760 I agree with everything you just said as a wife 1496 01:16:57.800 --> 01:17:00.039 at the end of the day, all of it. But 1497 01:17:00.039 --> 01:17:02.319 that also goes hand in hand with when he does 1498 01:17:02.439 --> 01:17:04.960 bring it up in the moment, you have to monitor 1499 01:17:05.000 --> 01:17:09.039 your reaction versus your response. So if you're saying that 1500 01:17:09.079 --> 01:17:12.479 he needs to bring these things to you and fill 1501 01:17:12.479 --> 01:17:15.439 in the blank, you also have to accept it in 1502 01:17:15.479 --> 01:17:18.079 the moment and not try to be defensive or try 1503 01:17:18.119 --> 01:17:23.159 to backtrack or over explain to control the narrative. I'm 1504 01:17:23.159 --> 01:17:25.680 not saying that you do do that, but to plant 1505 01:17:25.680 --> 01:17:27.760 the seed of you and anybody who may be listening 1506 01:17:27.760 --> 01:17:31.840 to that hovey with everything that Addie just said, do 1507 01:17:31.880 --> 01:17:34.560 you believe that to be true? Because right now we're calm. 1508 01:17:34.720 --> 01:17:37.239 This is a calm conversation. Emotions are nice in a 1509 01:17:37.279 --> 01:17:42.960 homeostasis when there are elevated emotions and our IQ drops. 1510 01:17:42.960 --> 01:17:45.079 This is scientifically proven. When we are not in our 1511 01:17:45.279 --> 01:17:48.560 emotional homeostasis and we start getting elevated, our URQ begins 1512 01:17:48.560 --> 01:17:48.880 to drop. 1513 01:17:48.920 --> 01:17:50.960 Because our energy is allocated elsewhere. 1514 01:17:51.800 --> 01:17:54.319 Do you feel like that is an accurate statement and 1515 01:17:54.359 --> 01:17:56.600 that you can voice in the moment, like, hey, you've 1516 01:17:56.640 --> 01:18:00.279 spoken over me. Can I finish my sentence? Whatever the 1517 01:18:00.319 --> 01:18:00.840 case may be. 1518 01:18:02.960 --> 01:18:07.399 Pretty much, yeah, Because no matter what, even if we'll 1519 01:18:07.439 --> 01:18:09.600 get into an argument, I'm never gonna tell her that 1520 01:18:09.680 --> 01:18:13.800 I don't love her. It maybe be a time when 1521 01:18:13.960 --> 01:18:16.600 she's out of it that I'll still say I love you, 1522 01:18:18.479 --> 01:18:21.520 Or there'll be a time when before I go to 1523 01:18:21.560 --> 01:18:25.880 work that if she's still mad at me and we're 1524 01:18:25.920 --> 01:18:29.119 not talking much, I will still say I love you. 1525 01:18:29.199 --> 01:18:30.039 Good good. 1526 01:18:30.119 --> 01:18:31.279 Yeah. 1527 01:18:31.560 --> 01:18:34.199 So I'm going to rephrase my question a little bit. No, 1528 01:18:34.279 --> 01:18:35.840 I'm not going to rephrase my question. I'm gonna ask 1529 01:18:35.840 --> 01:18:37.239 a different question than the husband. You can take the 1530 01:18:37.239 --> 01:18:41.880 floor in moments where you are trying to express how 1531 01:18:41.920 --> 01:18:45.000 you're feeling and she interrupts or she we can say 1532 01:18:45.000 --> 01:18:47.720 bulldozer or whatever the case may be, or starts to 1533 01:18:47.720 --> 01:18:52.319 speak for you. Have you ever said, yeah, you just 1534 01:18:52.359 --> 01:18:56.039 interrupted me, let me finish my sentence. That's not my thought, 1535 01:18:56.239 --> 01:19:00.279 whatever the case may be, I have Okay, And how 1536 01:19:00.279 --> 01:19:01.680 does that usually play out? 1537 01:19:02.479 --> 01:19:07.199 Usually it turns out turns into one of us being 1538 01:19:07.560 --> 01:19:08.840 angry over one another. 1539 01:19:09.920 --> 01:19:12.600 So everything that Addie just said about you need to 1540 01:19:12.640 --> 01:19:13.920 come to me and tell me the truth and all 1541 01:19:13.920 --> 01:19:18.920 those kinds of things and heightened emotions that still may 1542 01:19:18.920 --> 01:19:22.520 be true, but that's not what's happening. It sounds like 1543 01:19:22.560 --> 01:19:25.680 there is a punishment for the honesty because it's taken personally, 1544 01:19:26.640 --> 01:19:29.239 and that's something that has to be resolved or the 1545 01:19:29.319 --> 01:19:31.119 things that you just said are not true. There is 1546 01:19:31.119 --> 01:19:32.680 no action follow up behind it. 1547 01:19:33.920 --> 01:19:35.279 Y'all. When we are in. 1548 01:19:35.239 --> 01:19:37.359 Conversations and we were like, hey, I don't like that. 1549 01:19:37.439 --> 01:19:39.079 You need to take a step back and not take 1550 01:19:39.119 --> 01:19:41.239 it personally and recognize that your person is trying to 1551 01:19:41.239 --> 01:19:44.000 fix the relationship. Because if this is not something that's addressed, 1552 01:19:44.359 --> 01:19:45.399 resentment's gonna build. 1553 01:19:46.279 --> 01:19:47.880 You need you don't need. 1554 01:19:47.960 --> 01:19:48.119 Well. 1555 01:19:48.159 --> 01:19:52.520 I would highly recommend a safe word for conversations. So 1556 01:19:52.880 --> 01:19:58.479 low quat, Zucchini, Teddy Bear, I just you just interrupted me. 1557 01:19:59.199 --> 01:20:01.359 Addie can say, I like I'm not being heard. I 1558 01:20:01.359 --> 01:20:03.119 feel like you're shutting down emotionally, whatever the case. 1559 01:20:03.119 --> 01:20:03.479 Movie. 1560 01:20:03.840 --> 01:20:06.520 Once Zucchini has said, it is understood that there was 1561 01:20:06.560 --> 01:20:09.000 a boundary crossed within the relationship and we are now 1562 01:20:09.000 --> 01:20:11.000 going to take a forty five minute break to calm 1563 01:20:11.039 --> 01:20:13.039 back down before we come back and revisit and try 1564 01:20:13.079 --> 01:20:16.880 to solve what's going on. Resolution will not be found 1565 01:20:16.960 --> 01:20:18.039 in conflict. 1566 01:20:18.600 --> 01:20:23.760 I've heard you say that before, and I really agree 1567 01:20:23.800 --> 01:20:27.680 with it. But I think something that I need to 1568 01:20:27.800 --> 01:20:33.600 mention and that maybe my husband isn't realizing, is that 1569 01:20:34.079 --> 01:20:38.960 if he thinks back to less than six months ago, 1570 01:20:40.319 --> 01:20:45.720 I was when we were, not that we've had many arguments. 1571 01:20:45.760 --> 01:20:49.239 As of recently, the last few I would say three 1572 01:20:49.399 --> 01:20:53.399 ish months, maybe maybe a little longer. We haven't had 1573 01:20:53.479 --> 01:20:56.720 really many any disagreements. The only time I would interrub 1574 01:20:56.760 --> 01:21:00.920 would be at by accident and then immediately apologize. But like, hey, 1575 01:21:00.960 --> 01:21:04.399 I have this thought in the middle of a conversation. 1576 01:21:06.000 --> 01:21:11.720 So I've really been working on interrupting and listening to 1577 01:21:12.039 --> 01:21:15.560 what many times that I would say that is not 1578 01:21:15.920 --> 01:21:19.439 accurate is if he immediate, if he if something he 1579 01:21:19.720 --> 01:21:24.720 says triggers my trauma, trauma from paths where it kind 1580 01:21:24.760 --> 01:21:27.680 of like takes me out for a minute and I 1581 01:21:27.840 --> 01:21:31.399 just kind of zone out. That's the only time sometimes 1582 01:21:31.439 --> 01:21:35.640 where I still struggle and I interrupt or like I 1583 01:21:35.800 --> 01:21:38.039 freak out a little bit. It just takes me a 1584 01:21:38.079 --> 01:21:39.920 minute to kind of come back and be like, hey, no, 1585 01:21:40.119 --> 01:21:43.600 we're healthy, we're good, this is my husband, we're safe, 1586 01:21:43.720 --> 01:21:47.920 we're cool, you know, whatever the case. But just in 1587 01:21:48.000 --> 01:21:53.039 the last I would say, you know, ninety days, interrupting 1588 01:21:53.399 --> 01:21:57.119 has been it's been so much less than it was 1589 01:21:57.199 --> 01:22:03.600 been before I've been actively working on this, and I 1590 01:22:03.760 --> 01:22:10.119 feel like he's using the interruption as a crutch to 1591 01:22:10.199 --> 01:22:15.560 say that he can't express his emotions. But I've had 1592 01:22:15.680 --> 01:22:21.079 him at night where he had a nightmare or he's 1593 01:22:21.199 --> 01:22:25.119 just in he's crying in in sleep, shaking, having a 1594 01:22:25.159 --> 01:22:29.279 panic attack, and I'm sitting there with him until he 1595 01:22:29.439 --> 01:22:31.760 comes out of it, just like he does to me. 1596 01:22:32.000 --> 01:22:36.039 And now these attacks have not happened, thankfully, in a while. 1597 01:22:36.560 --> 01:22:40.760 But I find that those happen the most when he's 1598 01:22:40.880 --> 01:22:45.560 hiding his emotions and I try to probe and I 1599 01:22:45.760 --> 01:22:50.039 just find he shuts down more and I can't I 1600 01:22:50.079 --> 01:22:54.000 can't find a way over that wall. And that's where 1601 01:22:54.079 --> 01:22:58.600 my struggle has been because I've been using these tips 1602 01:22:58.680 --> 01:23:02.600 from your previous podcast and stuff in terms of communication skills, 1603 01:23:03.319 --> 01:23:06.760 and I'm just I'm not sure what I should do 1604 01:23:06.880 --> 01:23:12.000 next because those probing questions not automatically assuming his emotion. 1605 01:23:12.159 --> 01:23:17.039 I don't assume he's angry, mad, happy, sad anything. I'm specific, 1606 01:23:18.159 --> 01:23:21.439 try to be as specific as possible, ask how he's 1607 01:23:21.479 --> 01:23:26.000 feeling things like that, and I still find he won't 1608 01:23:26.119 --> 01:23:31.159 communicate with me in less about his emotions unless he's 1609 01:23:32.039 --> 01:23:35.680 he's bubbling over already, and I want that part to 1610 01:23:35.720 --> 01:23:39.039 stop happening and to heal that. 1611 01:23:39.319 --> 01:23:39.600 You know. 1612 01:23:41.039 --> 01:23:43.000 You want to go or you want me to. Okay, 1613 01:23:43.119 --> 01:23:45.199 I have a whole lot to touch on before we 1614 01:23:45.239 --> 01:23:47.720 go any further. You said a whole lot of things 1615 01:23:47.720 --> 01:23:50.319 that I had wrote down, and I love that we're 1616 01:23:50.319 --> 01:23:51.680 on the same page of a lot of shit. Yeah, 1617 01:23:51.720 --> 01:23:52.920 you covered a whole lot of things that I don't 1618 01:23:52.920 --> 01:23:54.439 have to cover, but I still want to cover some things. 1619 01:23:54.520 --> 01:23:55.960 The other thing that I want to get into is 1620 01:23:55.960 --> 01:23:58.800 I want to remind you guys again that this is 1621 01:23:58.920 --> 01:24:02.840 very healthy communication right now, Like you're learning and you're evolving, 1622 01:24:02.920 --> 01:24:04.680 and I know I can hear it in your voice 1623 01:24:04.680 --> 01:24:06.880 that there is a little bit of tension happening right now. 1624 01:24:06.920 --> 01:24:08.479 You need to take a breath and let that shit go, 1625 01:24:08.520 --> 01:24:12.119 because this is healthy growth. This is how we learn 1626 01:24:12.159 --> 01:24:14.600 to communicate effectively. You said that you probe, and you 1627 01:24:14.640 --> 01:24:16.720 do the tips that we do, but what you're failing 1628 01:24:16.760 --> 01:24:22.239 to do is properly communicate. Negated everything that he said, 1629 01:24:22.840 --> 01:24:26.960 you then removed his reality. If we were standing in 1630 01:24:26.960 --> 01:24:30.159 a field together and you were convinced that a flower 1631 01:24:30.239 --> 01:24:33.319 there was pink, and I was like, nope, it's a 1632 01:24:33.399 --> 01:24:35.760 yellow magenta. It's not even real color, just making it up, 1633 01:24:36.279 --> 01:24:38.239 and you're like, nope, it's pink, and I tried to 1634 01:24:38.239 --> 01:24:41.920 convince you otherwise. Your reality is that that fucking flower 1635 01:24:42.000 --> 01:24:44.520 is pink, and if I see it as yellow magenta, 1636 01:24:45.079 --> 01:24:48.239 it's yellow magenta. It doesn't mean that you're right. It 1637 01:24:48.239 --> 01:24:50.159 doesn't mean that I'm right. It means that we are 1638 01:24:50.239 --> 01:24:54.199 viewing the world differently. He told you how he feels 1639 01:24:54.680 --> 01:24:58.199 you took the last four years condensed into what's happening 1640 01:24:58.239 --> 01:25:01.399 in the past ninety days, as if that negates the 1641 01:25:01.439 --> 01:25:04.680 other three years and seven months of your life, three 1642 01:25:04.760 --> 01:25:08.960 years and nine months of your life, and that things 1643 01:25:09.000 --> 01:25:12.600 are just better now, regardless of real shit. I'm glad 1644 01:25:12.600 --> 01:25:14.199 that you've been making efforts. I'm glad that you two 1645 01:25:14.239 --> 01:25:17.479 are communicated and trying. But just because things are different 1646 01:25:17.600 --> 01:25:22.079 now doesn't mean that the expressions the feelings, the built 1647 01:25:22.159 --> 01:25:26.039 up resentment, the insecurities, the training that has been there 1648 01:25:26.079 --> 01:25:28.560 is going to go away. Ivy was trained by a 1649 01:25:28.600 --> 01:25:31.199 dog trainer three or four years ago, and she still 1650 01:25:31.199 --> 01:25:33.199 does all of the commands that she was given, even 1651 01:25:33.239 --> 01:25:35.359 though she doesn't have to live that life anymore, because 1652 01:25:35.399 --> 01:25:38.199 that's been instilled in her. I have a whole lot 1653 01:25:38.199 --> 01:25:40.000 of notes, so I'm gonna just run through them real quick. 1654 01:25:41.359 --> 01:25:43.439 I was going to ask her to repeat back what 1655 01:25:43.520 --> 01:25:45.760 he said, and then you did it like four times, 1656 01:25:45.800 --> 01:25:48.079 and I was like, oh, there goes that one. So 1657 01:25:48.119 --> 01:25:50.159 I want you guys to start repeating back to each 1658 01:25:50.159 --> 01:25:52.439 other what was said. The next thing is is you 1659 01:25:52.560 --> 01:25:55.880 have to fucking let him talk. Yes, there needs to 1660 01:25:55.920 --> 01:25:58.640 be a safe word is coming, So we're gonna just 1661 01:25:58.720 --> 01:26:00.720 jump into that as well. Like you said, there needs 1662 01:26:00.720 --> 01:26:02.520 to be a safe word. There needs to be an 1663 01:26:02.520 --> 01:26:05.880 indicator of I'm done. There needs to be a pause 1664 01:26:05.960 --> 01:26:08.920 if she starts talking and you're not finished yet, or 1665 01:26:08.960 --> 01:26:11.079 you still have thoughts and she's going you can raise 1666 01:26:11.119 --> 01:26:15.359 your hand. Something needs to be indicated that you're not 1667 01:26:15.520 --> 01:26:18.640 finished yet, so that she can write things down what 1668 01:26:18.680 --> 01:26:21.920 she needs to address and then actively listen to what's 1669 01:26:21.960 --> 01:26:24.359 going on, repeat things back, make sure that you understand 1670 01:26:24.359 --> 01:26:28.520 what's going on, and fucking hear each other. Your perception 1671 01:26:29.119 --> 01:26:33.159 is your reality. His perception is his reality. The way 1672 01:26:33.159 --> 01:26:37.880 that you view the world is not going to be identical. Ever, 1673 01:26:38.479 --> 01:26:42.680 your live life experiences, your past traumas and triggers, past relationships, 1674 01:26:42.720 --> 01:26:45.119 live life experiences are going to dictate the way that 1675 01:26:45.159 --> 01:26:51.119 you view things. Stop saying but when you were thank 1676 01:26:51.159 --> 01:26:52.479 you for telling me this is going to make a 1677 01:26:52.520 --> 01:26:56.720 relationship better, blah blah blah blah blah. But everything that 1678 01:26:56.760 --> 01:26:59.319 you said before that butt was negated because you had 1679 01:26:59.319 --> 01:27:01.079 something else that had nothing to do with anything. 1680 01:27:01.119 --> 01:27:01.760 So you you. 1681 01:27:04.039 --> 01:27:07.439 Wrote your repair. It was very very very nicely written 1682 01:27:07.479 --> 01:27:10.119 on the board. It was underlined, exclamation points, grammar, and 1683 01:27:10.159 --> 01:27:11.880 shit was perfect and you said button. You just wipe 1684 01:27:11.880 --> 01:27:13.960 that shit right the fuck off. So it didn't even 1685 01:27:13.960 --> 01:27:16.000 have time to sit before you started going on with 1686 01:27:16.039 --> 01:27:18.479 the other things. If somebody comes to you and says, hey, 1687 01:27:18.520 --> 01:27:19.920 I don't like the way this makes me feel, or 1688 01:27:19.920 --> 01:27:23.079 this is what I'm going through, there's a lot of 1689 01:27:23.119 --> 01:27:25.039 people who have the urge to go well, that's not 1690 01:27:25.039 --> 01:27:28.039 what I meant, or I was only intending this or 1691 01:27:28.039 --> 01:27:29.560 I wanted to do that. Blah blah blah blah blah. 1692 01:27:29.560 --> 01:27:30.800 The only thing that you need to say. And this 1693 01:27:30.840 --> 01:27:33.279 is so fucking hard. It was a lot for us. 1694 01:27:33.319 --> 01:27:37.159 It's still hard for me because I want to fix everything. Okay, 1695 01:27:37.199 --> 01:27:40.279 this is what I'm hearing. That sounds like it really sucks, 1696 01:27:40.279 --> 01:27:41.800 and I'm sorry that I did that to you. I'll 1697 01:27:41.840 --> 01:27:44.159 work on it, and then new journal about it, and 1698 01:27:44.159 --> 01:27:45.319 you think about what you want to say. In a 1699 01:27:45.319 --> 01:27:46.600 couple of days, come back and be like, hey, I've 1700 01:27:46.640 --> 01:27:47.880 been really thinking about what you said, and I can 1701 01:27:47.880 --> 01:27:49.079 see this in da da da da da, and then 1702 01:27:49.119 --> 01:27:50.039 you can have a discussion about it. 1703 01:27:50.079 --> 01:27:51.359 But in the moment, they don't need that shit. They 1704 01:27:51.399 --> 01:27:51.960 need to be heard. 1705 01:27:52.399 --> 01:27:54.199 And if if somebody is coming to you with a 1706 01:27:54.239 --> 01:27:56.399 problem and they are not able to get that problem 1707 01:27:56.439 --> 01:27:58.079 out and they're not able to be heard, you're showing 1708 01:27:58.079 --> 01:28:00.880 them that you're not, for a lack of a better turn, 1709 01:28:00.920 --> 01:28:03.239 you don't care right Like, they're not able to fully 1710 01:28:03.239 --> 01:28:06.399 express what's going on, You're not safe. I covered everything else. 1711 01:28:06.560 --> 01:28:09.840 I did all of that in one shot. Do you 1712 01:28:09.880 --> 01:28:11.520 have anything you write notes too? 1713 01:28:12.000 --> 01:28:13.800 I have a bunch of notes, but the one that's 1714 01:28:13.880 --> 01:28:16.119 most important to me is hobby. Do you agree with 1715 01:28:16.159 --> 01:28:19.119 the perspective that over the last ninety days her interrupting 1716 01:28:19.119 --> 01:28:19.920 you has gotten better? 1717 01:28:21.039 --> 01:28:21.279 Yes? 1718 01:28:22.520 --> 01:28:24.960 Okay, do you acknowledge that in the moment, it's like, hey, 1719 01:28:25.039 --> 01:28:27.640 I appreciate these things. Words of affirmations are a big deal. 1720 01:28:28.119 --> 01:28:29.239 It's like giving a dog a treat. 1721 01:28:30.439 --> 01:28:33.960 Yeah, so real quick. Going back to one of the 1722 01:28:33.960 --> 01:28:35.199 other topics, the. 1723 01:28:37.000 --> 01:28:40.000 Me treating her more than she wants to treat me, 1724 01:28:41.600 --> 01:28:47.039 I haven't really been feeling myself as been like I 1725 01:28:47.079 --> 01:28:49.680 want her to get me something nice. 1726 01:28:50.000 --> 01:28:51.560 Is more of I want her. 1727 01:28:52.960 --> 01:28:55.600 I want to get her stuff so that way, you know, 1728 01:28:55.760 --> 01:28:59.479 it makes me feel better that I'm giving her what 1729 01:28:59.560 --> 01:29:00.479 she needs. 1730 01:29:01.520 --> 01:29:02.199 That makes sense. 1731 01:29:02.319 --> 01:29:04.279 Yeah, that's the duty of man. 1732 01:29:05.600 --> 01:29:08.039 And right tying that into the love languages, you are 1733 01:29:08.079 --> 01:29:10.720 not a gift receiver, You're a gift giver, and that's 1734 01:29:10.760 --> 01:29:11.359 my husband. 1735 01:29:11.560 --> 01:29:13.319 Yep, real shit. 1736 01:29:13.680 --> 01:29:15.760 In the beginning, there was a level of I need 1737 01:29:15.800 --> 01:29:18.239 to give my husband gifts in return so that he 1738 01:29:18.319 --> 01:29:20.840 can see that I appreciate and value him just as 1739 01:29:20.920 --> 01:29:21.760 much as he values me. 1740 01:29:22.760 --> 01:29:25.119 But you hated that shit. I remember once I got 1741 01:29:25.159 --> 01:29:25.960 you two T shirts. 1742 01:29:25.960 --> 01:29:29.000 I even wrote her a whole letter while I was 1743 01:29:29.039 --> 01:29:31.479 at work because I had nothing to do for about 1744 01:29:31.920 --> 01:29:36.840 six hours on like the whole reason of it, but 1745 01:29:37.000 --> 01:29:40.000 like it, it's mainly of just seeing her smile that's 1746 01:29:40.039 --> 01:29:41.720 been making me feel better. 1747 01:29:41.800 --> 01:29:44.800 And I tell her that, like I don't need much. 1748 01:29:45.359 --> 01:29:48.560 The only thing I need is like stuff that is 1749 01:29:48.720 --> 01:29:53.560 just like a monthly paint, subscription to things, just a soda. 1750 01:29:54.039 --> 01:29:58.119 That's literally all my me receiving a gift the nicest 1751 01:29:58.439 --> 01:30:03.560 of I go big for her when I can. Other 1752 01:30:03.640 --> 01:30:05.720 than that, it's like I don't want to chew to 1753 01:30:05.720 --> 01:30:11.119 go big, just you know, I just need. I just 1754 01:30:11.159 --> 01:30:12.239 want this small thing. 1755 01:30:12.439 --> 01:30:12.840 That's it. 1756 01:30:13.960 --> 01:30:15.680 What's this small thing that you want from her? 1757 01:30:17.239 --> 01:30:21.000 Uh So I'm a big gamer. So right now, it's 1758 01:30:21.119 --> 01:30:27.359 just the subscription for my monthly that that's literally the 1759 01:30:27.479 --> 01:30:28.359 small gift. 1760 01:30:28.159 --> 01:30:28.880 That I accept. 1761 01:30:30.159 --> 01:30:33.960 I don't want to deviate too far away from the conversations, right, 1762 01:30:34.039 --> 01:30:40.840 like the the conversation conversation, but to go into right, 1763 01:30:40.920 --> 01:30:44.640 you're not a gift receiving guy, So what are other 1764 01:30:44.800 --> 01:30:48.560 ways that you would feel comfortable with your wife showing 1765 01:30:48.600 --> 01:30:51.680 her love and devotion and dedication appreciation towards you. Does 1766 01:30:51.720 --> 01:30:55.720 that look like dedicating two hours every Friday and cuddling 1767 01:30:55.720 --> 01:30:56.880 on the couch and watching movies. 1768 01:30:56.920 --> 01:30:57.800 You know, quality time? 1769 01:30:57.880 --> 01:31:00.720 Does that look like putting the phones away for an 1770 01:31:00.720 --> 01:31:04.720 hour every Friday night and sitting down having super philosophical conversations. 1771 01:31:04.800 --> 01:31:06.920 What are other ways that she can express her love 1772 01:31:06.960 --> 01:31:07.119 to you? 1773 01:31:08.720 --> 01:31:11.920 So the way we used to do it was I 1774 01:31:11.920 --> 01:31:16.920 would have the weekends off, So Saturdays would usually be 1775 01:31:17.039 --> 01:31:19.039 the days that I would take my time just to 1776 01:31:19.560 --> 01:31:24.000 you know, relax myself from work, and Sundays would be 1777 01:31:24.039 --> 01:31:27.800 the days that we spend the whole day together. After 1778 01:31:27.880 --> 01:31:30.800 I've done laundry, after I made uspooon, we would sit down. 1779 01:31:30.840 --> 01:31:33.359 We would watch NonStop Enemy. 1780 01:31:34.359 --> 01:31:37.520 So you guys just have a bunch of quality time together. Yeah, 1781 01:31:37.560 --> 01:31:38.479 how has that changed? 1782 01:31:40.640 --> 01:31:44.760 Well, it's gonna be different now because it's not gonna 1783 01:31:44.760 --> 01:31:46.239 be weekends like we want it. 1784 01:31:47.239 --> 01:31:50.279 But because I had I got a promotion in my job. 1785 01:31:50.399 --> 01:31:55.039 So now it's one week I will have the weekends, 1786 01:31:55.079 --> 01:31:55.920 one week I won't. 1787 01:31:56.000 --> 01:31:58.880 So there's still there's gonna be more quality time with 1788 01:31:59.000 --> 01:32:02.840 her on certain days. 1789 01:32:03.399 --> 01:32:06.800 That way, you know, we're more with each other than 1790 01:32:06.840 --> 01:32:07.399 we need to be. 1791 01:32:08.800 --> 01:32:12.079 I think my issue is is that lately, when we've 1792 01:32:12.119 --> 01:32:17.239 been having our quality time. I feel like it's only 1793 01:32:17.319 --> 01:32:21.560 like if you will partial quality time because we're watching 1794 01:32:22.079 --> 01:32:25.800 Naruto the animates to Prudence specifically, we're in the fourth War. 1795 01:32:25.800 --> 01:32:31.720 It's magical, but we'll be in that arc and he's 1796 01:32:31.880 --> 01:32:35.479 on his phone while we're watching the show, and it 1797 01:32:35.800 --> 01:32:38.880 just to me, it doesn't feel as much as quality 1798 01:32:38.920 --> 01:32:42.239 time because he's he's not putting his like full effort 1799 01:32:42.359 --> 01:32:47.279 I guess into it. Whereas I'm like fully watching the show. 1800 01:32:47.439 --> 01:32:51.159 I'm not on my phone. I'm just you know, enjoying it. 1801 01:32:51.199 --> 01:32:55.960 And I feel like that's where I feel like it's 1802 01:32:56.119 --> 01:32:59.560 enough because during that time, I feel like he's distracted. 1803 01:33:00.920 --> 01:33:03.880 So this is my husband and I yep, my husband 1804 01:33:03.880 --> 01:33:05.720 could be totally engrossed in a show and he's going 1805 01:33:05.760 --> 01:33:07.520 to have his phone in his hand, playing a game, 1806 01:33:08.399 --> 01:33:12.880 or checking emails or looking at business TikTok, whatever the 1807 01:33:12.920 --> 01:33:16.760 case may be. My my husband And this is just 1808 01:33:16.800 --> 01:33:19.199 from my perspective. I am not speaking for his existence 1809 01:33:19.239 --> 01:33:22.439 as his wife. This is how I right, because as 1810 01:33:22.520 --> 01:33:24.039 humans we fill in the blanks and we fill in 1811 01:33:24.039 --> 01:33:26.479 with stories. The way that I view my husband and 1812 01:33:26.479 --> 01:33:28.479 how his brain works, he has lived a life of 1813 01:33:28.520 --> 01:33:33.720 distraction and you know, through his childhood into adulthood, there 1814 01:33:33.840 --> 01:33:38.960 was a level of security in having multiple things going 1815 01:33:38.960 --> 01:33:42.920 on at once. You my husband gets very uncomfortable not 1816 01:33:43.079 --> 01:33:47.560 having his hands doing something, so there is a level of. 1817 01:33:49.560 --> 01:33:50.119 Chaos. 1818 01:33:50.199 --> 01:33:52.720 We can say that he has become adapted to in 1819 01:33:52.760 --> 01:33:54.600 his life that if he is just sitting there with 1820 01:33:54.720 --> 01:33:58.399 one type of stimulation, it could increase his anxiety, it 1821 01:33:58.399 --> 01:34:01.399 could induce spiraling all of these other kinds of things. 1822 01:34:02.119 --> 01:34:06.760 So I totally get the perspective of he's disengaged right now. 1823 01:34:06.840 --> 01:34:09.560 My husband and I've had multiple conversations of I feel 1824 01:34:09.640 --> 01:34:11.840 like you are not spending quality time with me because 1825 01:34:11.880 --> 01:34:14.880 you're engaged on your phone versus watching TV. And it's 1826 01:34:14.960 --> 01:34:18.079 taken those multiple conversations and me being open to perspective 1827 01:34:18.079 --> 01:34:20.560 and different life experiences to understand that this is just 1828 01:34:20.600 --> 01:34:25.399 how my husband's brain works. Very rarely does he miss 1829 01:34:25.439 --> 01:34:28.079 what's going on in the show. There are times where 1830 01:34:28.079 --> 01:34:30.159 he will be on his phone and I am actively 1831 01:34:30.159 --> 01:34:31.720 watching because I don't have my phone in my hand, 1832 01:34:31.760 --> 01:34:33.880 and I will still have to ask him what just happened, 1833 01:34:34.279 --> 01:34:36.239 and he can fill me in almost to a tea 1834 01:34:36.359 --> 01:34:39.800 because he is more engaged because of what is going 1835 01:34:39.800 --> 01:34:41.840 on with his hands, he can listen better versus what's 1836 01:34:41.880 --> 01:34:43.039 going on in his mind. 1837 01:34:43.279 --> 01:34:45.920 I love you, God, I fucking love you so much. 1838 01:34:46.039 --> 01:34:46.680 I love you too. 1839 01:34:48.079 --> 01:34:50.399 There's a whole lot about everything that you said that 1840 01:34:50.560 --> 01:34:51.960 I'm not even gonna get into it because a lot 1841 01:34:51.960 --> 01:34:55.119 of it it is personal, and that's our thing. You're 1842 01:34:55.159 --> 01:34:58.279 both engaged in something other than each other, and that's 1843 01:34:58.319 --> 01:35:00.800 how I view that. If you're very immersed in the 1844 01:35:00.840 --> 01:35:02.840 TV show and he's immersed in his phone, and you 1845 01:35:02.840 --> 01:35:05.319 guys are in the same room, if he's able to 1846 01:35:05.359 --> 01:35:07.239 still know what's going on in the show, you are 1847 01:35:07.319 --> 01:35:10.359 still doing that thing together. We get so caught up 1848 01:35:10.399 --> 01:35:13.079 in wanting people to do what we want them to 1849 01:35:13.159 --> 01:35:14.840 do and live the way we want them to live 1850 01:35:14.840 --> 01:35:17.640 that we fail to realize that there are different enjoyments 1851 01:35:17.680 --> 01:35:20.880 and different things. I could not be doing the same thing. 1852 01:35:20.960 --> 01:35:22.760 You could be playing video games, and I could be 1853 01:35:22.800 --> 01:35:25.439 laying on the couch next to you, and I'm having 1854 01:35:25.479 --> 01:35:27.279 the time of my fucking life because we're in the 1855 01:35:27.279 --> 01:35:31.279 same room together, being lazy and enjoying ourselves. That matters 1856 01:35:31.319 --> 01:35:33.760 more to me than watching a TV show I'm only 1857 01:35:33.800 --> 01:35:36.880 half interested in. And that's part of being married. You're 1858 01:35:36.880 --> 01:35:39.159 not gonna be fully engaged in a show all the time. 1859 01:35:39.199 --> 01:35:42.800 We watch Fire Country, and like, after season one of 1860 01:35:42.840 --> 01:35:46.439 that show, I lost all interest, and like I still 1861 01:35:46.479 --> 01:35:50.279 watched it because you enjoyed it, loved the final season 1862 01:35:50.399 --> 01:35:52.520 or the final episode of the last season. I thoroughly 1863 01:35:52.680 --> 01:35:56.000 enjoyed that shit, But like, I watched that show because 1864 01:35:56.039 --> 01:35:58.079 you want to watch that show. So if I'm playing 1865 01:35:58.119 --> 01:36:01.039 my game in Discord and talking to Jeff about work 1866 01:36:01.399 --> 01:36:04.000 while watching that show, my brain can do all of 1867 01:36:04.000 --> 01:36:06.520 that at the same time. I also know that my 1868 01:36:06.640 --> 01:36:08.920 brain doesn't operate away the way a lot of people do, 1869 01:36:09.039 --> 01:36:12.000 and like I don't. I don't do well with downtime period. 1870 01:36:12.600 --> 01:36:16.840 So again, I feel really seen right now. There's been 1871 01:36:16.880 --> 01:36:18.760 a lot of times in our relationship where we've looked 1872 01:36:18.760 --> 01:36:20.239 at each other and be like, I fucking see you, 1873 01:36:20.279 --> 01:36:23.039 and like we always know what that means. That was 1874 01:36:23.079 --> 01:36:24.920 a very good moment for me, just knowing I really 1875 01:36:24.960 --> 01:36:27.079 appreciate you, I love you, I love you well. 1876 01:36:27.159 --> 01:36:31.079 Chris, apparently you're Sime's twin to my husband, because he 1877 01:36:31.119 --> 01:36:34.279 feels the exact same way about Fire Country, and this 1878 01:36:34.319 --> 01:36:37.720 whole time he's just been nodding, it says ted rapidly, 1879 01:36:37.920 --> 01:36:38.560 yes at me. 1880 01:36:38.960 --> 01:36:42.159 So, so was that about fire Country or are you 1881 01:36:42.239 --> 01:36:46.880 relating to the way that my husband experiences life. 1882 01:36:46.119 --> 01:36:46.720 That way. 1883 01:36:48.520 --> 01:36:50.920 In both ways because like, well, watching our hotel and 1884 01:36:50.920 --> 01:36:52.800 she'll be getting mad at me that I'm on my phone. 1885 01:36:52.840 --> 01:36:54.880 I was like, I'm paying more attention than you because 1886 01:36:54.920 --> 01:36:58.239 you've asked me three questions about this same episode and 1887 01:36:58.279 --> 01:37:02.520 we're already on the next episode it and I'm playing 1888 01:37:02.560 --> 01:37:06.800 my game on my phone while still paying attention because 1889 01:37:07.159 --> 01:37:10.199 I've learned to multitask when it comes to. 1890 01:37:11.920 --> 01:37:15.039 Playing a game and watching videos at the same time. 1891 01:37:16.520 --> 01:37:18.119 There are a lot of people out there that tell 1892 01:37:18.239 --> 01:37:19.960 that will tell you that there's no such thing as 1893 01:37:20.039 --> 01:37:23.359 multitasking and that if you're multitasking, you're not actually giving 1894 01:37:23.439 --> 01:37:27.039 your full attention to something. And there's a truth in that, 1895 01:37:27.319 --> 01:37:29.680 But there's also the truth in understanding that some of 1896 01:37:29.720 --> 01:37:32.039 us need to fidget and move and walk and do 1897 01:37:32.319 --> 01:37:35.720 in order to retain what's happening because it's not happening 1898 01:37:35.840 --> 01:37:39.239 fast enough, Like I have to listen to audiobooks super 1899 01:37:39.279 --> 01:37:42.000 fucking quick otherwise I can't do it. And real shit, 1900 01:37:42.079 --> 01:37:44.119 like I'm watching tiktoks at two and three times a 1901 01:37:44.199 --> 01:37:46.880 speed now because I don't me too with my YouTube video, 1902 01:37:47.119 --> 01:37:49.239 I just can't. So like, I need you to get 1903 01:37:49.239 --> 01:37:52.039 to the fucking point. If I'm watching a YouTube video 1904 01:37:52.079 --> 01:37:53.640 because I need to learn about one thing and it's 1905 01:37:53.640 --> 01:37:56.600 forty five minutes and I'm looking for six seconds of information, 1906 01:37:57.479 --> 01:37:58.239 I'm not watching that. 1907 01:37:58.640 --> 01:37:59.920 Get you'll skip through. 1908 01:38:00.239 --> 01:38:02.720 Yes, we'll kind of life to live homie, right, Yeah, 1909 01:38:02.760 --> 01:38:04.680 there's a whole lot of a whole lot of my 1910 01:38:04.760 --> 01:38:08.359 life needs to be tailored to the way that my 1911 01:38:08.399 --> 01:38:10.840 brain works. And unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't 1912 01:38:10.880 --> 01:38:12.760 work like my brain, so I have to navigate it 1913 01:38:12.800 --> 01:38:14.199 to make it do what I want it to do. 1914 01:38:14.359 --> 01:38:14.800 Adapt it. 1915 01:38:15.039 --> 01:38:18.039 But I read, play video games, and listen to music 1916 01:38:18.119 --> 01:38:21.319 or YouTube videos at the same time, So like I'll 1917 01:38:21.359 --> 01:38:24.439 have magic the gathering open while researching a document, reading 1918 01:38:24.479 --> 01:38:26.359 the law of one, and watching YouTube shit at the 1919 01:38:26.399 --> 01:38:29.680 same time. It's it's wild and I can retain all three. 1920 01:38:29.600 --> 01:38:32.199 Of it at the same time. Do you have anything 1921 01:38:32.199 --> 01:38:33.159 else you guys want to get into. 1922 01:38:33.399 --> 01:38:35.079 I think at this point we've covered a whole lot, 1923 01:38:35.079 --> 01:38:37.319 and I don't want to overinundate you guys with information 1924 01:38:37.479 --> 01:38:39.479 I feel like this has been a very productive call. 1925 01:38:40.960 --> 01:38:45.840 Yes, I think, yeah, pretty much everything honestly. Oh, I 1926 01:38:45.920 --> 01:38:48.159 do have one question. Can you give me a few 1927 01:38:48.279 --> 01:38:54.239 questions that I can ask to not necessarily hell, but 1928 01:38:54.319 --> 01:38:58.079 kind of break the eyes when he's having an emotion 1929 01:38:58.279 --> 01:39:03.439 and I can see something's going on but he's not 1930 01:39:03.800 --> 01:39:08.359 communicating yet. You just said to pro but I just 1931 01:39:08.439 --> 01:39:11.279 I don't feel like maybe I'm asking the right questions. 1932 01:39:11.720 --> 01:39:13.680 Well, so, first of all, you need to stop doing 1933 01:39:13.680 --> 01:39:17.399 this about you, you having this need to figure out 1934 01:39:17.399 --> 01:39:19.680 what's going on and try to have him communicate with 1935 01:39:19.720 --> 01:39:22.199 you as a youth thing. If he's not coming to 1936 01:39:22.239 --> 01:39:23.800 you to talk to you about what's going on, he 1937 01:39:23.840 --> 01:39:25.960 either hasn't processed it yet or he's not ready to 1938 01:39:25.960 --> 01:39:29.640 talk about it. There's a whole lot of times in 1939 01:39:29.680 --> 01:39:32.000 life where Peaches will come to me and ask me 1940 01:39:32.039 --> 01:39:34.319 a question and I'll be like, we'll get there, or 1941 01:39:34.319 --> 01:39:36.199 I'll be like, I'm not ready to have that discussion yet. 1942 01:39:36.279 --> 01:39:37.760 Let me finish working it through my head so that 1943 01:39:37.760 --> 01:39:40.680 we can have an intelligent conversation. Or she gets to 1944 01:39:40.680 --> 01:39:42.680 the exact opposite and I just word vomit all the 1945 01:39:42.680 --> 01:39:44.279 fuck over her and then afterwards, I'm like, did that 1946 01:39:44.359 --> 01:39:45.760 even make sense? And she's like yep, And that's the 1947 01:39:45.840 --> 01:39:47.840 end of it because I got it out and we're good. 1948 01:39:48.600 --> 01:39:50.439 It would be better for you to if you think 1949 01:39:50.479 --> 01:39:53.960 he's not okay, just simply ask him, like, Hey, where's 1950 01:39:53.960 --> 01:39:55.960 your headspace at right now? That's a great question. Where's 1951 01:39:55.960 --> 01:39:58.239 your headspace? Is there anything that I can do for you? 1952 01:39:58.279 --> 01:40:02.560 What do you need for me? And anything beyond those 1953 01:40:02.600 --> 01:40:06.079 basic questions. If you think he's off, love him, love 1954 01:40:06.159 --> 01:40:07.720 on him, lay on him, put your head in his 1955 01:40:07.760 --> 01:40:11.479 fucking lap, Like there's intimate things that you could be doing. 1956 01:40:11.600 --> 01:40:13.840 Real shit, you guys, are you remember the tiktoks that 1957 01:40:13.840 --> 01:40:16.720 people were making about how the touch of a partner 1958 01:40:16.720 --> 01:40:18.920 can make everything in a head go silent. That's my 1959 01:40:19.039 --> 01:40:22.159 fucking reality with you all the time. I made tiktoks 1960 01:40:22.199 --> 01:40:23.600 about it in the beginning, Like that was one of 1961 01:40:23.600 --> 01:40:25.239 the first tiktoks that we made that blew up. My 1962 01:40:25.279 --> 01:40:28.600 head is loud constantly when my face is in your 1963 01:40:28.640 --> 01:40:31.359 hands and we're making eye contact or we're sharing forehead breath, 1964 01:40:31.399 --> 01:40:33.920 like that shit stops. It's dead silent, and it's the 1965 01:40:33.920 --> 01:40:35.880 only time in my life that my mind is silent 1966 01:40:35.880 --> 01:40:38.920 other than when I'm unconscious. I need those moments. I 1967 01:40:39.000 --> 01:40:41.600 need the reprieve for me and you laying on me, 1968 01:40:41.720 --> 01:40:43.840 or me laying on you and us having that physical 1969 01:40:43.880 --> 01:40:45.960 touch makes that go away. He may not be a 1970 01:40:45.960 --> 01:40:48.119 physical touch person in an aspect, but I'm willing to 1971 01:40:48.119 --> 01:40:51.239 bet that if you ask most men, that's a great 1972 01:40:51.279 --> 01:40:52.760 moment for us. You lay on a couch with our 1973 01:40:52.800 --> 01:40:54.319 head and our lap and just play on your phone 1974 01:40:54.359 --> 01:40:57.000 and let's just existence in time and space for a 1975 01:40:57.000 --> 01:41:01.960 little while. Like that fucking recharges my bad man. You'd 1976 01:41:01.960 --> 01:41:05.199 be surprised at what that does for us. But don't 1977 01:41:05.199 --> 01:41:05.840 make it about you. 1978 01:41:06.479 --> 01:41:09.600 Yeah, my answer to that is, don't try to label 1979 01:41:09.880 --> 01:41:13.960 what you think he's going through. So instead of approaching 1980 01:41:14.000 --> 01:41:16.840 him and saying are you angry or I feel like 1981 01:41:16.920 --> 01:41:20.520 you're frustrated, say something along the line of I feel 1982 01:41:20.520 --> 01:41:24.039 like your vibe is off, I feel like your energy 1983 01:41:24.880 --> 01:41:28.079 is not where it usually is, And you can even 1984 01:41:28.119 --> 01:41:30.199 throw in there, you can tell me if I'm wrong. 1985 01:41:30.680 --> 01:41:34.880 My emotional seeking device might need a calibration. There is 1986 01:41:34.920 --> 01:41:38.279 a very real projection that happens. There are times where 1987 01:41:38.279 --> 01:41:40.439 my vibe is off and I'm checking in with my husband, 1988 01:41:40.439 --> 01:41:42.239 because I know I'm not okay and I need to 1989 01:41:42.239 --> 01:41:46.640 make sure you're okay. So if he says there's nothing 1990 01:41:46.680 --> 01:41:50.199 going on, you need to believe him. But in turn, Hove, 1991 01:41:50.359 --> 01:41:52.640 you need to be honest about that. When you say 1992 01:41:52.640 --> 01:41:54.760 that there's nothing going on, there actually needs to be 1993 01:41:54.840 --> 01:41:57.880 nothing going on. If you do have something going on 1994 01:41:58.000 --> 01:41:59.680 and your woman comes up to you and she was like, hey, 1995 01:41:59.720 --> 01:42:02.319 the vibe is off. Is there anything you want to 1996 01:42:02.359 --> 01:42:05.920 talk about? Not yet, but I did think of something 1997 01:42:05.920 --> 01:42:08.119 today that's kind of put me in a dark place. Yeah, 1998 01:42:08.199 --> 01:42:11.039 I'm gonna be okay. It's not about us. We are fine. 1999 01:42:11.479 --> 01:42:13.119 I just need to process this before I bring it 2000 01:42:13.159 --> 01:42:13.640 to the table. 2001 01:42:13.920 --> 01:42:16.520 Always hit them with we're good. Yeah, Always hit them 2002 01:42:16.520 --> 01:42:18.359 with unless you're not good. Yeah. 2003 01:42:18.399 --> 01:42:21.319 But if you're having relationship problems, it's a different conversation. 2004 01:42:21.399 --> 01:42:23.920 But always let your partner know that things are good. 2005 01:42:24.439 --> 01:42:26.680 I'm working through things right now. Let me let me 2006 01:42:26.760 --> 01:42:29.199 get a cohesive thought together and we'll have a discussion. 2007 01:42:30.520 --> 01:42:31.960 I don't want to sound dumb. I don't want to 2008 01:42:31.960 --> 01:42:34.079 be overly emotional. I'm not ready to talk about it. 2009 01:42:34.079 --> 01:42:35.960 It's okay to not be ready to discuss some shit. 2010 01:42:36.319 --> 01:42:40.119 As long as you're willing to address and process and 2011 01:42:40.159 --> 01:42:43.399 then actually, you know, let that shit out. You guys, 2012 01:42:43.399 --> 01:42:46.760 can't You can't suppress. Yes, you can only put so 2013 01:42:46.840 --> 01:42:49.760 much into a bottle before the bottle explodes. That's why 2014 01:42:49.800 --> 01:42:52.039 we do the after reaction reviews. There's times where we 2015 01:42:52.079 --> 01:42:54.000 have arguments and then have well we don't have arguments, 2016 01:42:54.000 --> 01:42:56.279 we have disruptions, but then we have a follow up 2017 01:42:56.279 --> 01:42:58.359 discussion about it a day or two later. If there 2018 01:42:58.359 --> 01:43:00.359 needs to be ones that we can understand the way 2019 01:43:00.359 --> 01:43:02.000 that we behaved or why we did the thing we did, 2020 01:43:02.119 --> 01:43:02.680 or whatever. 2021 01:43:02.479 --> 01:43:03.720 The case may be. 2022 01:43:03.720 --> 01:43:07.119 Because conflict resolution or resolution doesn't happen in conflict, that 2023 01:43:07.159 --> 01:43:09.920 happens after the fact. There's got to be time to process. 2024 01:43:09.920 --> 01:43:11.720 Emotions have to cool off, like there's a whole lot 2025 01:43:11.720 --> 01:43:12.640 of that that it's a thing. 2026 01:43:12.760 --> 01:43:15.640 So yeah, and there also has to be a level 2027 01:43:15.840 --> 01:43:19.960 of acceptance. Addie, Right, if he processes something and all 2028 01:43:20.000 --> 01:43:24.079 he gives you is I overcame it and I'm a 2029 01:43:24.079 --> 01:43:25.960 better person because of it, and that's all he wants 2030 01:43:26.039 --> 01:43:26.319 to say. 2031 01:43:26.359 --> 01:43:27.319 That's all you're going to get. 2032 01:43:27.960 --> 01:43:30.680 The more that you try to probe and gather more 2033 01:43:30.720 --> 01:43:37.119 information that may not be yours right, the more of 2034 01:43:37.159 --> 01:43:41.800 a violation that can happen. But also in turn, if 2035 01:43:41.800 --> 01:43:43.840 he does want to talk about it again, that's one 2036 01:43:43.840 --> 01:43:45.079 of those things where you just have to sit there 2037 01:43:45.079 --> 01:43:46.600 and listen to it. Don't try to fix it, don't 2038 01:43:46.640 --> 01:43:50.079 try to problem solve unless he specifically asks. I don't 2039 01:43:50.119 --> 01:43:51.720 know what to do in this situation, and I need 2040 01:43:51.760 --> 01:43:54.319 your help. I feel like I said a lot there. 2041 01:43:54.399 --> 01:43:56.840 We yeah, we got, We've covered a lot in this episode. 2042 01:43:57.720 --> 01:44:00.000 This is this has been, I believe, a very productive 2043 01:44:00.119 --> 01:44:02.479 thing both of them, and I honestly think if you 2044 01:44:02.479 --> 01:44:04.479 guys sit back and listen to this again and you 2045 01:44:04.520 --> 01:44:07.800 approach it from a place of neutrality and you start 2046 01:44:07.840 --> 01:44:10.079 implementing things that'll change your life, Like you guys will 2047 01:44:10.119 --> 01:44:12.880 find yourself in a very different relationship because of it. 2048 01:44:13.359 --> 01:44:15.880 These these little tweaks is like tuning up an engine. 2049 01:44:15.920 --> 01:44:17.560 Like your car may run good, but if you go 2050 01:44:17.640 --> 01:44:19.560 through and you just tighten everything down and make sure 2051 01:44:19.560 --> 01:44:22.319 things are lubricated and running properly, you're gonna get a 2052 01:44:22.359 --> 01:44:23.039 lot more out of it. 2053 01:44:23.439 --> 01:44:25.399 So it does it. It doesn't take much to just make. 2054 01:44:25.319 --> 01:44:28.119 Sure that things get their their you know, maintenance, And 2055 01:44:28.119 --> 01:44:30.000 that's what communicating is. It's what the check ins are, 2056 01:44:30.039 --> 01:44:32.680 it's it's general maintenance of your life. 2057 01:44:33.000 --> 01:44:35.479 Yeah, I think this is definitely something we needed to do. 2058 01:44:37.000 --> 01:44:39.479 What about you use your words? 2059 01:44:41.079 --> 01:44:41.600 Don't do that? 2060 01:44:45.159 --> 01:44:46.880 Well, you guys can't see him not. 2061 01:44:47.840 --> 01:44:52.600 Yeah, but but you're not talking he's you were talking 2062 01:44:52.600 --> 01:44:54.800 to him. So if you were able to see him, not, 2063 01:44:55.000 --> 01:44:58.439 that's that's enough. There's a whole whole lot of let 2064 01:44:58.439 --> 01:44:59.520 this man live his life. 2065 01:45:00.840 --> 01:45:01.039 You know. 2066 01:45:01.079 --> 01:45:04.439 There is a certain level right that and this just 2067 01:45:04.479 --> 01:45:06.319 came into my mind. This could totally be left field 2068 01:45:06.319 --> 01:45:08.600 and inaccurate, but for anybody listening who can relate to this, 2069 01:45:09.119 --> 01:45:11.840 it does something for somebody. There is also a level 2070 01:45:11.880 --> 01:45:14.479 of inducing if I have to perform to make someone happy, 2071 01:45:15.840 --> 01:45:18.439 not saying that hobby feels that way, but that is 2072 01:45:19.119 --> 01:45:20.560 just to see the plant to think about. 2073 01:45:21.479 --> 01:45:24.279 So how do how do we close this out? I 2074 01:45:24.279 --> 01:45:24.920 didn't think that through. 2075 01:45:25.039 --> 01:45:26.079 I didn't think that through either. 2076 01:45:26.800 --> 01:45:30.000 Okay, So then final thoughts. Do you guys have anything 2077 01:45:30.000 --> 01:45:31.680 else that you want to get into before we wrap up? 2078 01:45:31.680 --> 01:45:32.159 How about that? 2079 01:45:32.159 --> 01:45:32.439 That's good? 2080 01:45:32.520 --> 01:45:32.680 Yeah? 2081 01:45:32.720 --> 01:45:36.560 Okay, I don't have a question, but I don't know 2082 01:45:36.720 --> 01:45:40.640 if I can ask it. And it's not a relationship question. 2083 01:45:40.760 --> 01:45:41.560 It's for peaches. 2084 01:45:42.119 --> 01:45:43.920 Guys, if this is something that you've enjoyed and you 2085 01:45:43.960 --> 01:45:45.680 would like to be on the show, you can send 2086 01:45:45.680 --> 01:45:48.239 an email to Chris at Tobbetter dot com list of 2087 01:45:48.279 --> 01:45:50.159 things of what you want to do and make sure 2088 01:45:50.199 --> 01:45:52.680 that your partner's on board. If you send an email 2089 01:45:52.680 --> 01:45:54.880 and you're like, my partner's not into this, we're not 2090 01:45:54.960 --> 01:45:56.520 doing it like this is going to be a two 2091 01:45:56.560 --> 01:45:58.880 way street. That needs to be both of you willing 2092 01:45:58.920 --> 01:46:01.840 to try to actively improve your lives. And if that's 2093 01:46:01.840 --> 01:46:03.720 something that appeals to you, please send us an email. 2094 01:46:03.760 --> 01:46:05.880 I will do what I can to try to facilitate 2095 01:46:05.920 --> 01:46:09.039 that if it aligns with what we're doing. Anything you 2096 01:46:09.079 --> 01:46:10.399 want to add for final thoughts, hot on this. 2097 01:46:10.760 --> 01:46:13.279 To Hovey and Addie. Thank you guys for putting yourselves 2098 01:46:13.279 --> 01:46:15.800 out there like this. I know that this may have 2099 01:46:15.840 --> 01:46:18.079 not been an easy decision. I know it may have 2100 01:46:18.119 --> 01:46:20.880 caused anxiety or you know, like, oh my god, what 2101 01:46:20.880 --> 01:46:22.039 are they going to say? Are we going to walk 2102 01:46:22.039 --> 01:46:24.279 away from this better? Is it going to cause tension 2103 01:46:24.359 --> 01:46:27.399 or frustration? I hope that you guys walk away with 2104 01:46:27.439 --> 01:46:30.680 this with some golden nuggets. And I truly hope that 2105 01:46:30.760 --> 01:46:33.319 this conversation with us has brought you, guys or will 2106 01:46:33.319 --> 01:46:37.960 bring you guys closer together with better understanding of each 2107 01:46:37.960 --> 01:46:41.279 other and of yourselves and the relationship. A couple of 2108 01:46:41.319 --> 01:46:43.960 comments from the YouTube channel everybody thanks you guys for 2109 01:46:44.039 --> 01:46:45.920 being willing to do this, so people got a lot 2110 01:46:45.960 --> 01:46:49.680 from this conversation. I think in putting your guys' self 2111 01:46:49.840 --> 01:46:51.920 out here like this, you are going to help a 2112 01:46:51.960 --> 01:46:55.000 lot of people. And I think that by proxy a 2113 01:46:55.000 --> 01:46:57.560 lot of marriages and relationships can be saved from the 2114 01:46:57.560 --> 01:46:58.920 conversations that we're had tonight. 2115 01:46:59.039 --> 01:47:01.520 Absolutely, and thank you for trusting us. 2116 01:47:02.720 --> 01:47:06.039 And with that being thank you for thank you for listening. 2117 01:47:05.720 --> 01:47:08.479 Actually and helping us. We appreciate it. 2118 01:47:09.479 --> 01:47:11.039 Oh that just made me a little bit of emotion. You 2119 01:47:11.079 --> 01:47:12.039 guys are very welcome. 2120 01:47:12.359 --> 01:47:16.239 It's an honor to be able to have these conversations 2121 01:47:16.279 --> 01:47:18.640 and try our best to help you guys find the 2122 01:47:18.680 --> 01:47:20.640 joy and love back into the relationship, not that it's 2123 01:47:20.680 --> 01:47:22.680 not there, but to increase it. 2124 01:47:22.920 --> 01:47:25.960 Life of abundance guys. And with that being said, guys, 2125 01:47:26.000 --> 01:47:27.880 remember that you are the author of your own life. 2126 01:47:28.079 --> 01:47:29.760 So grab a pen and we will see you on 2127 01:47:29.800 --> 01:47:30.359 the next one. 2128 01:47:30.520 --> 01:47:31.479 Bye, guys.