WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:05.759 The light in our kitchen had changed by the time 2 00:00:05.759 --> 00:00:08.480 I made at home, soft yellow, slunting over the marble 3 00:00:08.519 --> 00:00:10.519 countertop and the den to blue kettle. I kept meaning 4 00:00:10.519 --> 00:00:13.320 to draw away. Sunset in July and the city felt 5 00:00:13.320 --> 00:00:15.560 almost forgiving, like the day wanted to give every one 6 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:17.640 one more out to fix whatever could still be fixed. 7 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:20.760 In my hands a paper bag of burrito Zerk's favorite, 8 00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:23.879 a small celebration for the weekend ahead. Our bags were 9 00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:25.879 still lined up by the door, my leather duff up 10 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:29.079 beside his battered navy suitcase I'd begged for the trip, 11 00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:31.320 circled the dates in my plan of for months, plan 12 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:33.200 on the tastings and the hotel with the claw fet 13 00:00:33.240 --> 00:00:36.759 tub and window seat overlooking the vines. Our fifth anniversary, 14 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:39.359 finally three days away from work, from texts, from life, 15 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.079 just us. But the kitchen wasn't empty. I heard Eric first, 16 00:00:44.119 --> 00:00:47.320 low voiced and urgent, barely above a whisper. I stopped 17 00:00:47.320 --> 00:00:49.119 short in the hallway, holding still as the old Pine 18 00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:52.799 four squeaked beneath my heel. Yeah no, that's I get it. 19 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.119 He was saying, words, tripping over each other. Yea, I'll 20 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:59.439 tell her, well, I'll try a pause then quieter, No, 21 00:00:59.679 --> 00:01:01.719 this is her, I said, I'll handle it. O K. 22 00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:05.239 I stepped into the doorway, bag in one hand, searching 23 00:01:05.239 --> 00:01:07.879 his eyes, which wouldn't quite meet mine. He fumbled the 24 00:01:07.879 --> 00:01:09.959 phone behind his back, chart as if it hadn't been 25 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:12.840 so fast, and hit end. The silence between us drew 26 00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:15.640 out like taffy. Oh, he said, in the tone of 27 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:19.120 a man surprised and bad pajamas. Well, you're home early. 28 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:21.920 He tried for casual, but couldn't hide how he blinked 29 00:01:21.959 --> 00:01:24.400 too rapidly gazed, darting to the table, the window, anywhere, 30 00:01:24.439 --> 00:01:27.120 but my face on the counter is foone vibrat, I 31 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:31.519 mutely face down. Who was that? I smiled, with deliberate blandness, 32 00:01:31.599 --> 00:01:34.680 holding up the burritos emergency did in a guest a 33 00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:37.560 sudden fire at the office. He gave a brittle laugh 34 00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:41.120 that didn't quite carry just work stuff actually, speaking of 35 00:01:41.719 --> 00:01:44.040 his face shifted bright with the forced energy of breaking 36 00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:46.879 bad news and pretending it wasn't that new version of 37 00:01:46.920 --> 00:01:50.159 his smile, the one that shaped itself around Apologies, babe, 38 00:01:50.200 --> 00:01:52.359 I'm so sorry. I meant to call you, but I 39 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:55.319 just found out this afternoon. There's this work retreat mandatory. 40 00:01:55.359 --> 00:01:58.680 The team needs me. I waited for the punchline for 41 00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:02.000 him to remember which weekend this was. He watched my face. 42 00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:05.200 I know it's a terrible time, but they're making everyone 43 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:08.039 go two nights. I'll be back late Sunday. I set 44 00:02:08.039 --> 00:02:11.520 the bag on the table, letting it dud where Eric 45 00:02:11.560 --> 00:02:14.479 winced as if I'd swatted him. It's out by Billina's 46 00:02:14.520 --> 00:02:17.360 some old conference in we're doing I don't know, bonding activities, 47 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:21.680 some planning sessions. All there, I weeded. He glanced down, 48 00:02:21.759 --> 00:02:24.599 shuffled his hands, then gestured vaguely at our stack of luggage. 49 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:26.800 You should go ahead and take a car in the morning. 50 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:29.000 I'll u be to the office meet up. His face 51 00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:31.000 flick of with hope, maybe that I'd let this drop. 52 00:02:31.479 --> 00:02:34.639 So the anniversary is just what not happening? He exhaled 53 00:02:34.680 --> 00:02:37.439 so hard I almost heard relief. I'll make it up 54 00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:40.039 to you next week. I promise I'll plan something great. 55 00:02:40.120 --> 00:02:43.319 He deserve it. He stepped forward, then hesitated and half 56 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:46.080 resting on the counter. Maybe we finally tried at new 57 00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:48.800 suche spotty like or catch that exhibit you told me about. 58 00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:52.080 I recognized that tone, like he'd rehearse these lines, just 59 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:53.960 enough for them to sound right, but not enough for 60 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.800 them to ring true. He looked haired, half hopeful, just 61 00:02:56.840 --> 00:02:59.759 on the wrong side of gratitude. From my understanding, anake 62 00:02:59.800 --> 00:03:03.159 work into my jaw. I forced myself to nod. Running 63 00:03:03.159 --> 00:03:05.560 through what I knew, his boss's office, all the names 64 00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:07.960 i'd heard. I was sure I'd never heard of a 65 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:10.879 spring retreat in July, never heard of a Billina's off site, 66 00:03:11.080 --> 00:03:13.439 never heard of everyone being summoned over a Thursday night. 67 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:17.000 Who's organizing it? I asked, careful to keep it light. 68 00:03:17.639 --> 00:03:21.240 He shrouded too fast, too loose, just the planning group 69 00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:24.120 his voice then and note of irritation. There, don't push me, 70 00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:27.599 not now. He was already packing things into a faded backpack, 71 00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:30.039 a thick sweater he never wore, glowe he only put 72 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:32.039 on for dinner with me, and note pak'd once used 73 00:03:32.039 --> 00:03:35.639 for restaurant reviews. Some shirts I didn't recognize, a slate, 74 00:03:35.680 --> 00:03:38.400 blue linen, one, a bright magentity I would have noticed before. 75 00:03:39.080 --> 00:03:40.960 And that bottle of fancy gin we were saving for 76 00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:44.639 our anniversary picnic. My voice clotted in my throat, I 77 00:03:44.680 --> 00:03:48.759 told myself. He stressed his Workloth's been heavy. Maybe this 78 00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:52.960 is just bad timing, a misunderstanding. He brought the burrita back, 79 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:55.400 over hand lingering too deliberately on my back as he 80 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:58.120 led me to the table. Babe, I know this sucks. 81 00:03:58.159 --> 00:04:01.039 Please don't be upset. I hate letting you down. I 82 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:03.639 looked at him, at us reflected faintly in the kitchen window, 83 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:06.319 and wondered, was I over reacting? Why did he look 84 00:04:06.360 --> 00:04:09.159 more nervous than sorry. He poured us both a glass 85 00:04:09.159 --> 00:04:10.879 of Sensor or the bottle we were supposed to save 86 00:04:10.919 --> 00:04:13.800 for Saturday night, but neither mentioned it. I let the 87 00:04:13.800 --> 00:04:16.639 first sip ease the sharpness in my chest. We ate 88 00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:19.040 dinner with the news playing softly in the background, both 89 00:04:19.079 --> 00:04:21.639 reaching for safe subjects. Colleagues, only the ones I had 90 00:04:21.639 --> 00:04:23.920 already knew my latest night MC client, the weather for 91 00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:26.839 the weekend had now be spending alone. Eric promised we 92 00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:30.360 were schedule. He smiled, but his fingers drummed restlessly on 93 00:04:30.439 --> 00:04:32.519 the table, and when I caught his gaze, I saw 94 00:04:32.560 --> 00:04:35.839 nothing but the wish for this conversation to be over. Afterward, 95 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:38.319 I went upstairs and packed my own bag away, unture 96 00:04:38.319 --> 00:04:41.240 a whether to feel relieved or crushed. When I came down, 97 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.120 Eric was on the couch, lopped up open and headphones on, 98 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:47.439 tapping so furiously I didn't dare disturb him. I climbed 99 00:04:47.439 --> 00:04:50.040 into bed that night, sleep skimming my thoughts but never landing. 100 00:04:50.639 --> 00:04:53.920 Every so often I'd hear Eric's voice downstairs, murmured words, 101 00:04:53.959 --> 00:04:57.680 muffled by doors. I reminded myself. His job was demanding, 102 00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:01.000 sometimes abrupts. I was, after after all, the one who 103 00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:04.240 needed everything planned six weeks in advance. But I dreamed 104 00:05:04.279 --> 00:05:07.040 that night of tangled up plants, schedules with holes poked through, 105 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:10.399 lists crossed out by Hannah didn't recognize. The funny thing 106 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:12.839 is when you're certain you know someone, your brain resists 107 00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.879 every misshapen detail. It's a reflux, almost loving in its stupidity. 108 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:19.800 The next morning, he left before I'd finished my coffee. 109 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:22.439 The note on the counter just said, love you talk soon. 110 00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:25.120 We'll find time for us, I promise, he a small, 111 00:05:25.160 --> 00:05:28.160 apologetic heart. At the end, his handwriting was rushed, the 112 00:05:28.279 --> 00:05:30.319 edges of the page torn, but he'd n'd alined us. 113 00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:33.959 But backs by the door felt like silent guests waiting 114 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:37.800 for someone else's plans. That first day alone, I told myself, 115 00:05:37.800 --> 00:05:42.240 it's nothing, it's just work. We're always us, even if 116 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.319 I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen our us 117 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:47.560 in action rather than theory. On Saturday, I woked, sunlight 118 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:49.319 hanging heavy through the blinds, the dully egg of a 119 00:05:49.319 --> 00:05:52.519 weekend never started. I stretched across our bed, half out 120 00:05:52.519 --> 00:05:54.759 of habit, fingers, landing in the empty space air could 121 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:57.639 have filled. I lingered there, listening to the emptiness, the 122 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:00.160 quiet click of apartment pipes and far off city noses. 123 00:06:00.800 --> 00:06:03.360 There was always something comforting and steady about waking together 124 00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:06.600 on weakened mornings, Limbs tangled, sleepy ones, drifting into nudges 125 00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:09.160 for coffee or one more round of lazing. I checked 126 00:06:09.160 --> 00:06:12.120 my phone out of reflex. Eric had texted at seven 127 00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:15.560 five a m. Morn Babe workshops starting soon. A happier days, 128 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:19.120 more fun. That emojia natural, almost theatrical for him. Stuck 129 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:21.839 to the message like lemon on coffee. Eric wasn't an 130 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:24.759 emoji guai, at least not for me. My thumb hovered 131 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:26.839 for a moment before I replied, good luck was swap 132 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:31.000 stories when you're back. He responded, almost immediately, definitely wish 133 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:34.439 you were here next time together. Later, as I made coffee, 134 00:06:34.439 --> 00:06:37.680 I scrolled through our share photos, as in Paris, half drunk, 135 00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:41.480 conor say at Antony's birthday, last full arms slung around 136 00:06:41.480 --> 00:06:44.399 each other at mid laugh outside a gallery opening. My 137 00:06:44.439 --> 00:06:48.360 lipstick smudged, Eric saw impossessively at my waist. We'd always 138 00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:51.040 been nut couple, the ones people joked were disgustingly adorable, 139 00:06:51.079 --> 00:06:53.600 the couple who shared playlists and calendars and rarely missed 140 00:06:53.639 --> 00:06:56.639 a neighborhood happy hour. I'd always been the sentimental shape 141 00:06:56.680 --> 00:07:00.519 of memories, storing every ticket stop and photo stripw Later, 142 00:07:00.680 --> 00:07:04.240 I tried to text a few friends coffee branch. Then 143 00:07:04.279 --> 00:07:06.120 I remembered every one was out of town or tied 144 00:07:06.160 --> 00:07:08.319 up with plans i'd helped set. Expecting I begun for 145 00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:11.879 the anniversary, I ended up wondering to Altiplaza coffee in 146 00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:13.720 one minut in hand, trying to feel grateful for a 147 00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:17.279 morning to myself. The city stumbled on without me. I 148 00:07:17.319 --> 00:07:20.519 got more texts from Eric than usual, little updates, A 149 00:07:20.519 --> 00:07:22.480 blurry photo of a window view from our meeting room, 150 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:25.120 a breakfast play team carbs, another wish you were here, 151 00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:28.759 the kind of feverish broadcast affection I might have found sweet, 152 00:07:28.759 --> 00:07:31.560 except the gallery of details never quite included him. I 153 00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:33.839 asked who was there, but he replied, just the team 154 00:07:33.959 --> 00:07:36.720 long sessions. I'll tell you everything. I tried to call 155 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:38.839 him around three, but it rang out twice, then went 156 00:07:38.879 --> 00:07:42.560 a voicemail A moment later sorr eybabe presentation. Miss you 157 00:07:43.240 --> 00:07:45.000 that night alone with a bottle of pino and not 158 00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:47.279 enough television to distract me. I wondered if I was 159 00:07:47.319 --> 00:07:50.480 being dramatic. Wasn't it good that Eric was finally doing 160 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:54.000 more with his job, that he was forming connections, new friendships. 161 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:57.199 I'd always nudge him to find Two years ago, i'd 162 00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:59.439 reminded him that his work friends vanished at five p m. 163 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:01.120 That he needed a life outside of the two of 164 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:04.879 us and my friends someday A similar pattern brief texts 165 00:08:04.920 --> 00:08:07.480 another fuzzy photo of a wineglass clink with several others, 166 00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:10.360 the hands out of frame wine break after group project, 167 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:14.000 he wrote, no photover group, no faces, no sign that 168 00:08:14.040 --> 00:08:17.319 anyone besides Eric was actually at this retreat. At lunch, 169 00:08:17.560 --> 00:08:20.600 I revisited my gallery of Eric memories. What struck me 170 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:22.560 was not just his absence, but the feeling of being 171 00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:24.519 left out, as if a door in our shared house 172 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:28.000 had click shut. That night, I sleppt alone again. My 173 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:30.959 dreams were then flickering. Eric's face kept turning towards some 174 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:33.360 one I couldn't see, laughter echoing just beyond the edge 175 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:37.519 of waking. Monday morning, Eric kim holmacked and exhausted. I'd 176 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:40.320 watched the hours crawl by, resisting the temptation to text first. 177 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:43.080 When he finally came through the door, he hugged me 178 00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:45.399 a bit too long, his back back slung carelessly. He 179 00:08:45.519 --> 00:08:47.919 pressed into odd angles from a hat I didn't recognize. 180 00:08:48.440 --> 00:08:51.679 He smelled like bonfires. I murmured, remembering our early camping trips. 181 00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:53.639 How I tease him for never managing to light one. 182 00:08:54.200 --> 00:08:57.440 He grinned with a strange, diffident briye. Yeah. One of 183 00:08:57.440 --> 00:08:59.960 the guys insisted on doing a real debrief around the fire, 184 00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:03.039 like summer camp, but with worse wine. He didn't unpack 185 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:04.759 his bag in front of me, just tossed it into 186 00:09:04.759 --> 00:09:06.519 the bedroom and change the subject or a new art 187 00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:10.320 gallery opening downtown. We should go Maya remember that artist 188 00:09:10.360 --> 00:09:12.720 you'll love, the one with those huge blue canvasses. There's 189 00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:14.799 a whole retrospective coming up. Would be cold to see 190 00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:18.600 what real art looks like. I stared, almost amused. For 191 00:09:18.759 --> 00:09:21.159 our entire marriage. Eric had rolled his eyes at my 192 00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:24.639 obsession with abstract art. On our second date, I dragged 193 00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:27.000 him too a minimalist installation. He gripped my hand and 194 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:29.960 whispered as a bunch of squiggles in expensive paint. For 195 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:32.720 his birthday last year, he joked, Please, no more gifts 196 00:09:32.720 --> 00:09:35.559 from the cult of Jackson Pollock. His favorite pieces were 197 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:39.440 always landscapes, trees, barns, things with names and borders. I'd 198 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:41.679 link to him, tilting my head. You want to go 199 00:09:41.759 --> 00:09:46.039 to a gallery opening? He nodded so quickly I almost laughed. Yeah, 200 00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:50.200 I mean, why not. God appreciate your world right. Plus, 201 00:09:50.360 --> 00:09:52.639 the new places run by this crazy, brilliant owner totally 202 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:54.600 changed how I see things. We met at a retrieve. 203 00:09:54.679 --> 00:09:57.559 She's a force. There was a new confidence in his voice, 204 00:09:57.600 --> 00:09:59.639 the kind he usually reserved for urban planning, to bait 205 00:09:59.720 --> 00:10:02.919 or pick restaurants. I glanced at her. Hans's Newton lines 206 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:05.399 ringed his knuckles. The back pack in the whole way 207 00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:09.240 looked heavier than it should. Who's the owner, he hesitated. 208 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:12.840 I think her name's Vive or Vivienne anyway col vibes. 209 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:14.960 We talked about out for hours. I told her you'd 210 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:18.600 love her taste. It cuurve been a compliment. Instead, it 211 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:21.159 hung between us as a question. Over the next hour, 212 00:10:21.279 --> 00:10:23.679 we both hovered to me, trying to believe in his enthusiasm, 213 00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:26.679 him trying to recite the right lines. Every now and 214 00:10:26.759 --> 00:10:29.919 then I'd catch him watching me with a slightly cautious admiration, 215 00:10:30.080 --> 00:10:31.919 like he was additioning a new self in my presence. 216 00:10:32.240 --> 00:10:35.480 Nervous I might not approve. That night in bed Ere 217 00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:38.440 curled up beside me and was put about the superinspiring retreat. 218 00:10:39.039 --> 00:10:41.919 He described team building, but not the team passionate arguments 219 00:10:41.960 --> 00:10:44.440 about were Sizzy's and art overlap and the benefits of 220 00:10:44.559 --> 00:10:47.720 thinking bigger. There were gaps in his account, stubby summaries 221 00:10:47.759 --> 00:10:50.360 instead of the long, detailed stories I'd come to expect 222 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:52.919 from his work travel. I asked if he'd made any 223 00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:56.080 new friends. His face lit up. Yeah, feel like these people. 224 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:59.440 Clara's hilarious. She runs the operations side Adams into design, 225 00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:03.039 but like not the annoying kind. The name struck no chords. 226 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:05.519 I didn't remember them from any previous office events or 227 00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:09.679 group chats. Have you always known them? I asked. He 228 00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:13.320 shrugged a little, defensive, new team, lots of shakeups lately. 229 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:15.879 You know how these projects go. He slid his hand 230 00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:18.080 along my arm, settling us back into the pose of 231 00:11:18.120 --> 00:11:20.320 easy affection that may doubt seem for a moment and 232 00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:24.360 speakably mean spirited. He fell sleep in minutes. I lay 233 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:26.759 next to him, staring at the ceiling and certain whether 234 00:11:26.759 --> 00:11:28.919 I was clinging to suspicions out of loneliness as seeing 235 00:11:28.919 --> 00:11:31.200 a real pattern emerge in the things. He wasn't, saying, 236 00:11:31.799 --> 00:11:34.519 if I sound needy, it's fair. I've always been the 237 00:11:34.600 --> 00:11:37.559 one who wants more, more dinners, sighed by SI, more 238 00:11:37.639 --> 00:11:40.759 check ins, more touches. But one time I confessed her 239 00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:43.639 how much a dread loneliness. He'd look deeply embarrassed, then 240 00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:46.399 smiled and promised, with me, you'll never have to worry 241 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:49.240 about that. I took it for comfort, not knowing one 242 00:11:49.279 --> 00:11:51.919 day that would terrify me the most. In the weeks 243 00:11:51.919 --> 00:11:54.320 that followed, the cracks in our ritual spread into Fishers. 244 00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:56.919 We have friends who always plenty quick to say how 245 00:11:56.919 --> 00:11:59.480 well we fit, enving our shared calendar and our easy 246 00:11:59.559 --> 00:12:03.360 banter dinners. I remembered over a bottle of wine with Sasha, 247 00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:05.440 how our mutual friend Craig once called us that in 248 00:12:05.480 --> 00:12:07.679 Star couple, the gold standard for being in sync without 249 00:12:07.720 --> 00:12:10.879 being boring. Sasha was blund in her affection. She drank 250 00:12:10.919 --> 00:12:13.080 her wine too quickly and always said what she meant. 251 00:12:13.720 --> 00:12:16.000 You and Eric are basically a brand. She told me 252 00:12:16.039 --> 00:12:19.600 what a relaid or canceled anniversary. Boring maybe, but never 253 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:23.159 not together. Yea, I said, wishing I could believe her 254 00:12:23.200 --> 00:12:25.639 as much as I used to, the truth was we 255 00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:29.000 had built something sturdy. Sunday when tastings a bodga last 256 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:31.519 minute lunches at the fruit Hall, weeks of conversations about 257 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:34.679 restaurant reservations and gallery schedules and which friend's birthday had 258 00:12:34.679 --> 00:12:37.480 to be honored with the best gift. Eric always indulged 259 00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:39.919 might up passions, standing beside me at every opening. I 260 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:43.080 was glazing over our friends, laughed about our division of 261 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:47.000 labor I planned, He agreed our weaknesses dovetail my terror 262 00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:49.399 of being left behind, his slow burning resentment have always 263 00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:52.720 been a passenger. I once asked Eric quietly if he 264 00:12:52.799 --> 00:12:55.480 was happy living in my well ow machine. He kissed 265 00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:58.480 my forehead smile, warm but shadowed. I liked knowing you've 266 00:12:58.480 --> 00:13:01.600 got things handled than bad With plas there'd been an 267 00:13:01.639 --> 00:13:04.480 Awfunaladity's voice, as if he were reciting a line he'd 268 00:13:04.519 --> 00:13:07.159 learned long before he met me. When I was alone, 269 00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:09.639 I sometimes admitted to myself how dependent I'd become on 270 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:11.360 his prisons, how blind I might have been to his 271 00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:14.120 increasing silences nights when he'd come home lyap with only 272 00:13:14.120 --> 00:13:16.840 half hearted explanations of just lots of loose ends at work. 273 00:13:17.360 --> 00:13:19.399 The one friend I dared mention this to Rachel, who 274 00:13:19.399 --> 00:13:22.240 survived a messy divorce, just shook her head. Don't make 275 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:26.000 trouble unless you're certain. Marriage has slow seasons, But lately 276 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:28.360 every season seemed to press against an invisible wall I 277 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:32.399 couldn't name. Two fridays after the aborted anniversary, Eric invited 278 00:13:32.440 --> 00:13:34.679 me to a group happy hour with his new colleagues. 279 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:38.279 You have to meet them, he said, all earnestness, reaching 280 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:41.279 from my hand across the kitchen counter. We planned to go. 281 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:44.679 I chose my outfit carefully, something relaxed but flattering, a 282 00:13:44.759 --> 00:13:47.480 kind of look that said cole spouse without trying. At 283 00:13:47.480 --> 00:13:51.399 four p m. Eric texted everyone builed, suddenly rained hack okay, sorry, 284 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:55.279 bebe that strange emoji again. Left alone, I went by 285 00:13:55.320 --> 00:13:58.600 mirrors instead, venting about rue bosses and city noise, determined 286 00:13:58.600 --> 00:14:01.639 not to let my anxiety spiral Stelle. I caught myself 287 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:04.000 scrolling through Eric's Instagram on my cab ride home. No 288 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:07.240 new group photos, not a single shot with these mysterious colleagues, 289 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:10.639 just an urban sky lion, tied with some self deprecating 290 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:14.559 comment about overgrown projects. Later, making room for groceries in 291 00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:16.600 the fridge, I found a restaurant receipt in the pocket 292 00:14:16.600 --> 00:14:19.080 of Eric's winter court, folded with the word Corinth across 293 00:14:19.120 --> 00:14:22.279 the top. The date matched to suppose what retreat weakened, 294 00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:24.240 and the meals cost more than any group dinner I'd 295 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:27.080 pay for the company's die. There was a single dessert, 296 00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:30.279 chockot Moose, which Eric clothed when I asked about it 297 00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:32.960 that evening, passing the receipt across the table. He hard 298 00:14:32.960 --> 00:14:35.440 a ganced at it. Oh, that it was a team thing, 299 00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:38.840 he said, voise E d Klara's birthday. I think ended 300 00:14:38.919 --> 00:14:41.679 up treating a few folks. Every one forgot their cards. 301 00:14:42.360 --> 00:14:44.679 He changed the subject quickly, urging me to book my 302 00:14:44.759 --> 00:14:47.200 next work trip. You'll free go for the full week 303 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:49.840 if you need, you have fun. You'd be fine flying 304 00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:53.879 solo for a few days, I teased. He grinned and shrugged. 305 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:56.360 I figure I should stop pulling my own weight to 306 00:14:56.399 --> 00:14:59.639 find some solo stuff to do without you. It sounded reasonable, 307 00:14:59.679 --> 00:15:02.679 but like to talky after taste. That week, I checked 308 00:15:02.679 --> 00:15:05.480 our joint car transactions, not out of suspicion, just habit. 309 00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:08.919 Another charge up bid you my favorite boutique dated During 310 00:15:08.919 --> 00:15:11.919 the retreat, Eric never mentioned a gift, and nothing new 311 00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:14.840 appeared in my closet or jewelry box. Did you buy 312 00:15:14.919 --> 00:15:17.879 something for someone? I asked off hand. A week later, 313 00:15:18.519 --> 00:15:20.879 he shook his head, fiddling with the edge of a magazine. 314 00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:23.600 I had to grab a last minute card team secret 315 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:27.240 Santa thing. Long story. He wouldn't meet my eyes. I 316 00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:31.159 found myself flirting above these inconsistencies, cataloging them without registering 317 00:15:31.159 --> 00:15:34.720 what they meant. In the evenings, Eric lapsed into affectionate gestures. 318 00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:36.759 A bottle of red after work, a new set of 319 00:15:36.759 --> 00:15:39.879 hand creams I'd once admired, takeout from my favorite Ethiopian spot. 320 00:15:40.600 --> 00:15:43.440 Little apologies presented as gifts, tender for an hour, then 321 00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:45.720 drifting to the couch with phone in hand, lost in 322 00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:48.679 messages I couldn't see. When I asked what was happening 323 00:15:48.679 --> 00:15:50.919 at work, he was vague, Just more client drama, you 324 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:55.080 know it. The usual Our routines faltered for years. Saturday 325 00:15:55.120 --> 00:15:58.320 mornings were sacre coffee runs, a walk through the Farmer's market, 326 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:01.639 galleries if there was an opening, proNT with friends. Now 327 00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:04.559 Eric was suddenly busy some Saturdays, heading out early to 328 00:16:04.679 --> 00:16:07.240 check on a studiar space, coming home later than usual, 329 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:10.200 smelling of paint and spiced after shef I jerked about 330 00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:12.720 his secret artist face, and he laughed too loudly emon 331 00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:16.399 charm at the conversation, but not at me. More invitations arrived. 332 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:19.639 Eric was heading to another gallery opening solo. He text 333 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:21.679 last minute at a meeting when late or claim he 334 00:16:21.720 --> 00:16:24.120 didn't want to cramp my weekend. It was as if 335 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:25.960 he had been issued a license to write Our Shares 336 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:28.559 script and I was the only one still following the original. 337 00:16:29.159 --> 00:16:31.799 One day, while Laura's feeping to an upcoming except an 338 00:16:31.799 --> 00:16:34.440 exclusive preview for young creatives, I saw Eric's name on 339 00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:36.919 the guest list of the Plus one. My breath caught 340 00:16:36.919 --> 00:16:39.720 in my chest. We hadn't discussed it. I assumed I 341 00:16:39.799 --> 00:16:42.120 go with him as usual. When I asked who he'd 342 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:44.200 be attending with. Eric blinked like he'd been caught in 343 00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:46.759 an act. He couldn't quite explain. I'm covering it for 344 00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:51.080 someone at work, he said, just bringing a colleague who 345 00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:55.320 he shrugged Adam probably or maybe Klara. Not sure yet. 346 00:16:55.399 --> 00:16:58.000 He could come if he really want to. The invitation 347 00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:00.080 was loose, shrugged out, as if the idea of me 348 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:03.200 really joining was distant, un welcome. Another piece clicked out 349 00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:06.440 of place. I texted Sasha later, unsure whether I was 350 00:17:06.440 --> 00:17:10.359 crossing into unhealthy territory. She replied fast, having met any 351 00:17:10.400 --> 00:17:12.640 new colleagues of his. But last week I swear I 352 00:17:12.680 --> 00:17:15.160 saw him at the cork with a woman not your brunette, tall, 353 00:17:15.240 --> 00:17:17.839 sharp jacket. He said he was working late that night, right. 354 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:21.160 I stopped in the middle of typing my reply. I'll 355 00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:24.279 ask him, I wrote back, and then deleted it. That night, 356 00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:26.640 I tried to agnormal, but my hand shook slightly. As 357 00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:30.440 I poured wine. Eric was attentive, almost eager, surprising buquet 358 00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:32.680 of sunflowers and a cappuccino from the cafe where it 359 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:35.200 spent my first afternoon in the city. Presented with a 360 00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:38.079 prague grin, the gesture was sweet, but his energy was 361 00:17:38.119 --> 00:17:40.839 nervous nd distracted, glancing at his phone every few minutes. 362 00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:43.920 He was the version of affectionate that feels like compensation. 363 00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:46.559 I couldn't tell if he was trying to prove something 364 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:49.799 to me or to himself. Eric asked off hand, almost 365 00:17:49.799 --> 00:17:52.039 too casual, about my work schedule for the next month, 366 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:54.839 encouraging me to really take advantage of the Chicago trip 367 00:17:54.839 --> 00:17:57.400 hand enjoy some solo time. In the middle of a 368 00:17:57.440 --> 00:18:00.079 suddenly looming silence, he leaned in and brushed his lips 369 00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:03.119 to my temple. He worked so hard, let yourself relax 370 00:18:03.160 --> 00:18:06.319 for once. It sounded like a dare. For a day 371 00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:08.279 or two, I convinced myself that I was the one 372 00:18:08.279 --> 00:18:10.160 with the problem, that I was inventing heartich because I 373 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.240 couldn't bear a marriage. Growing up, I'd always admired other 374 00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:16.160 couples who thrived on independence, who took trips apart, who 375 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:19.000 didn't pick at every absence for loose threads. But when 376 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:21.799 I looked around our apartment, Tanny Clue's surface without my asking, 377 00:18:22.359 --> 00:18:24.240 A mug with lipstick on the rim in the sink, 378 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:26.839 a thro a blanket smelling faintly of unfamiliar perfume, a 379 00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:29.000 stack of magazines on the coffee table that had never 380 00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:32.359 interested either of us before. The emotional current between us 381 00:18:32.359 --> 00:18:36.240 crew fragmented, brief surges of closeness, followed by sudden, strange distance. 382 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:40.359 At times, Eric's affection seemed nearly frantic, flowers surprised in us, 383 00:18:40.359 --> 00:18:42.319 hand written notes in my pan or on the pillow, 384 00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:45.480 but when I pressed for conversation, his eyes darted away, 385 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:49.759 wordsmoothing over whatever questions I raised. One afternoon, I tried 386 00:18:49.759 --> 00:18:53.839 to Rsvpeachu, another common gallery event, through Eric's studio affiliate page. 387 00:18:54.440 --> 00:18:57.720 Immediately I got a bouncerback registration declined. Already on guess 388 00:18:57.799 --> 00:19:01.599 lists for two My name wasn't include. Eric's was with 389 00:19:01.640 --> 00:19:04.319 a plus one. I texted him, are you going with 390 00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:08.119 some one? He replied half an hour later, just work stuff, babe, 391 00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:10.319 all team tickets. Don't overthink it. You can totally come 392 00:19:10.319 --> 00:19:13.000 if you want. In an effort to trust, I decided 393 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:14.960 to drop in unannounced at his team happy hour the 394 00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:18.240 following week. The place was a trendy, dim mult beastro 395 00:19:18.359 --> 00:19:21.160 not far from his office. I waited at the bars, 396 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:23.359 conning the crowd for a group matching any of the names. 397 00:19:23.400 --> 00:19:27.319 He raffled off. No Eric. At six thirty he texted 398 00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:30.359 plan changed to every one bill again, Sorry babe, grabbing 399 00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:34.039 take out? Want anything? Where are you now? I texted 400 00:19:34.680 --> 00:19:37.200 back at work lay call with then why client? He answered. 401 00:19:37.720 --> 00:19:40.799