Speaker 1: The B flat Trombone by Samuel Hopkins Adams. Three men
Speaker 1: sat in the Cosmic Club discussing the question what's the
Speaker 1: matter with Jones? Waldemar, the oldest of the confres, was
Speaker 1: the owner and at times the operator, of an important
Speaker 1: and decent newspaper. His heavy face wore the expression of
Speaker 1: good humored power characteristic of the experienced and successful journalist.
Speaker 1: Beside him sat Robert Bertram, the club idler, slender, and
Speaker 1: languidly elegant. The third member of the conference was Jones himself. Average.
Speaker 1: Jones had come by his nickname inevitably. His parents had
Speaker 1: fordoomed him to it when they furnished him with the
Speaker 1: initials A V R. E as preface to his birthright
Speaker 1: of j for Jones, his character apparently justified the chance concomitants.
Speaker 1: He was, so to speak, a composite photograph of any thousand,
Speaker 1: well conditioned, clean living Americans between the ages of twenty
Speaker 1: five and thirty. Happily, his otherwise commonplace face was relieved
Speaker 1: by the one unfailing characteristic of composite photographs, large deep
Speaker 1: set and thoughtful eyes. Otherwise he would have passed in
Speaker 1: any crowd, and nobody would have noticed him pass. Now
Speaker 1: at twenty seven, he looked back over the five years
Speaker 1: since his graduation from college and wondered what he had
Speaker 1: done with them, and at the four previous years of
Speaker 1: undergraduate life, and wondered how he had done so well
Speaker 1: with those, and why he had not, in some manner
Speaker 1: justified the parting words of his favorite professor. You have
Speaker 1: one rare faculty, Jones. You can, when you choose, sharpen
Speaker 1: the pencil of your mind to a very fine point. Specialize,
Speaker 1: my boy, specialize. If the recipient of this admins had
Speaker 1: specialized in anything, it was in life. Having twenty five
Speaker 1: thousand a year of his own, he might have continued
Speaker 1: in that path indefinitely, but for two influences. One was
Speaker 1: an eruptive craving within him to take some part of
Speaker 1: the dynamic activities of the surrounding world. The other was
Speaker 1: the freak will of his late and little lamented uncle,
Speaker 1: from whom he had his present income and his future
Speaker 1: expectations of some ten millions. Adrian van Rape and Edgerton had,
Speaker 1: as Waldemar once put it, one into the mayor's chair
Speaker 1: with a good name and come out with a block
Speaker 1: of ice stock in a will whose cynical humor was
Speaker 1: the topic of its day. Mister Edgerton jeered posthumously at
Speaker 1: the public which he had despoiled, and promised restitution of
Speaker 1: a sort through his heir. Therefore, he had written, I
Speaker 1: give and bequeath to the Seine ed Adrian van Rapen
Speaker 1: Edgerton Jones, the residue of my property, the principle to
Speaker 1: be taken over by him at such time as he
Speaker 1: shall have completed five years of continuous residence in New
Speaker 1: York City. After such time the virus of the metropolis
Speaker 1: will have worked through his entire being. He will squander
Speaker 1: his unearned, undeserved fortune, thus completing the vicious circle and
Speaker 1: returning the millions acquired by my political activities in a
Speaker 1: poisoned shower upon the city for which, having bossed, bullied,
Speaker 1: and looted it, I feel no sentiment other than contempt.
Speaker 1: And now, remarked Waldemar in his heavy rumbling voice, you
Speaker 1: aspire to disappoint that good old man. It is only
Speaker 1: human nature, you know, said average Jones. When a man
Speaker 1: puts a ten million dollar curse on you and suggests
Speaker 1: that you haven't the backbone of a shrimp, you you
Speaker 1: naturally yearn to prove him a liar, supplied Bertram. Exactly. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I've no taste for dissipation, either moral or financial. I
Speaker 1: want action, something to do. I'm bored in this infernal city,
Speaker 1: the wail of the unslaked Romanticist, commented Bertram. Romanticism nothing
Speaker 1: protested the other. My ambitions are practical enough, if I
Speaker 1: could only get them stirred up. Exactly. Boredom is simply
Speaker 1: romanticism with a morning after thirst. You're panting for romance,
Speaker 1: for something bizarre. Egypt and Saint Petersburg and Buenos Aires
Speaker 1: and Samoa have all become commonplace to you. You've overdone them.
Speaker 1: That's why you're back here in New York, waiting with
Speaker 1: stretched nerves for the adventure of life to cat creep
Speaker 1: up from behind and toss the lariat of rainbow dreams
Speaker 1: over your shoulders. Waldemar laughed, Not a bad diagnosis. Why
Speaker 1: don't you take up a hobby, mister Jones, What kind
Speaker 1: of hobby? Any kind? The club is full of hobby writers.
Speaker 1: Of all people that I know, they have the keenest
Speaker 1: appetite for life. Look at old Denishow. He was a
Speaker 1: misanthrope until he took to gathering scabs. Fenton over There
Speaker 1: has the finest collection of circus posters in the world.
Speaker 1: Bellardinge's house is a museum of obsolete musical instruments. De
Speaker 1: Gay collects venomous insects from all over the world. No
Speaker 1: harmless ones need apply. Terra Barry has a mania for
Speaker 1: old railroad tickets. Some are really very curious. I've often
Speaker 1: wish I had the time to be a crank. It's
Speaker 1: a happy life. What line would you choose, asked Bertram languidly.
Speaker 1: Nobody has gone in for queer advertisements yet, I believe,
Speaker 1: replied the older man if one could take the time
Speaker 1: to follow them up. But it would mean all one's leisure.
Speaker 1: Would it be so demanding a career? Said average Jones,
Speaker 1: smiling decidedly. I once knew a man who gave away
Speaker 1: twenty dollars daily on clues from the day's news. He
Speaker 1: wasn't bored for lack of occupation. But the ordinary run
Speaker 1: of advertising is nothing more than an effort to sell
Speaker 1: something by yelling in print, objected Average Jones. Is it well,
Speaker 1: perhaps you don't look in the right place. Waldemar reached
Speaker 1: for the morning's copy of The Universal and ran his
Speaker 1: eye down the columns of classified matter. Hark to this,
Speaker 1: he said, and read, is there any work on God's
Speaker 1: Green Earth for a man who has just got to
Speaker 1: have it? Or this? Wanted a venerable looking man with
Speaker 1: white beard and medical degree, good pay to write applicant?
Speaker 1: What's that? Asked Average Jones with awakened interest. Only a
Speaker 1: quack medical concern looking for a stall to impress their
Speaker 1: come ons, explained Waldemar. Average Jones leaned over to scan
Speaker 1: the paper in his turn. Here's one, said he and
Speaker 1: read wanted performer on a B flat trombone, can use
Speaker 1: it once, apply with instrument after one pm, three hundred East,
Speaker 1: one hundredth Street. That seems ordinary enough, said Waldemar. What's
Speaker 1: it doing in a daily paper? There must be technical
Speaker 1: publications or journals, you know, for this sort of demand.
Speaker 1: When Average's words come slow, you've got him interested, commented Bertram.
Speaker 1: Sure sign. Nevertheless, he's right, said Waldemar. It is rather misplaced.
Speaker 1: How is this for one that says what it means?
Speaker 1: Said Bertram. Wanted at once a brass howitzer and a
Speaker 1: man who isn't afraid to handle it, missus Ann Cullen
Speaker 1: Peer nineteen and a half, East River, the woman who
Speaker 1: is fighting the barge combine, explained Waldemar. Not so good
Speaker 1: as it looks she's bluffing. Anyway, I'd like a shy
Speaker 1: at this business, declared averag Jones, with sudden conviction. It
Speaker 1: looks to me like something to do. Make it a business,
Speaker 1: then advise Waldemar, if you care really to go in
Speaker 1: for it. My newspaper would be glad to pay for
Speaker 1: information such as you might collect. We haven't time, for example,
Speaker 1: to trace down fraudulent advertisers. If you could start an
Speaker 1: enterprise of that sort, you'd certainly find it amusing and
Speaker 1: at times perhaps even adventurous. I wouldn't know how to
Speaker 1: establish it, objected average Jones. The newspaper owner drew a
Speaker 1: rough diagram on a sheet of paper and filled it
Speaker 1: with writing, crossing out and revising liberally divided upon his
Speaker 1: pattern into lines. The final draft said, have you been stung? Thousands?
Speaker 1: Have thousands? Will be? They're laying for you? Who the
Speaker 1: advertising crooks? A Jones adviser can protect you against them
Speaker 1: before spending your money. Call on him advice on all subjects.
Speaker 1: Connected with newspaper, magazine or display advertising. Free consultation to
Speaker 1: persons unable to pay, call or write in closing postage.
Speaker 1: This is on the level, advisor. Do you expect me
Speaker 1: to blight my budding career by a poisonous pun like that?
Speaker 1: Demanded average Jones with a wry face. It may be
Speaker 1: a poisonous pun, but it's an arresting catchword, said waldemar
Speaker 1: unmoved single column about fifty lines will do in nice
Speaker 1: open style, caps in lower case and blackface type for
Speaker 1: the name and title. Insert twice a week in every
Speaker 1: New York and Brooklyn paper. Isn't it a little blatant?
Speaker 1: Suggested bertram with lifted eyebrows. Blatant repeated its inventor. It's
Speaker 1: more than that. It's howlingly vulgar. It's a riot of
Speaker 1: glaring yellow. How else would you expect to catch the pue?
Speaker 1: Suppose then I do burst into flame to this effect,
Speaker 1: query the prospective adviser. A Aprey, as we proudly say,
Speaker 1: after spending a week in Paris, Aprey, oh plenty of things.
Speaker 1: You hire an office, a clerk, two stenographers, and a
Speaker 1: clipping expert, and prepare to take care of the work
Speaker 1: that comes in, you'll be flooded, promised Waldemar. And between
Speaker 1: times I'm to go skipping about, chasing long white whiskers
Speaker 1: and brass howitzers and b flat trombones. I suppose until
Speaker 1: you get your work systematized, you'll have no time for skipping.
Speaker 1: Within six months, if you're not sandbagged or jailed on
Speaker 1: fake libel suits, you'll have a unique bibliography of swindles.
Speaker 1: Then I'll begin to come and buy your knowledge to
Speaker 1: keep my own columns clean. The speaker looked up to
Speaker 1: meet the gaze of an iron gray man with a harsh,
Speaker 1: sallow face. Excuse my interrupting, said the newcomer. Just one question, Waldemar.
Speaker 1: Who's going to be the nominee? Linder Lynder surely not.
Speaker 1: Why his name hasn't been heard? It will be his
Speaker 1: federal job. He resigns in two weeks, his record will
Speaker 1: kill him. What record? You and I know he's a grafter,
Speaker 1: but can we prove anything His cork has always handled
Speaker 1: all the money? Wasn't there an old scandal? A woman
Speaker 1: case asked the questioner, vaguely that Washington Man's wife too old.
Speaker 1: Linder would deny it. Flatly, and there would be no witnesses.
Speaker 1: The woman is dead, killed by his brutal treatment of her,
Speaker 1: they say. But the whole thing was hushed up at
Speaker 1: the time by Lynder's pull, and when the husband threatened
Speaker 1: to kill him, Linder quietly set a Commissioner of insanity
Speaker 1: on the case and had the man put away. He's
Speaker 1: never appeared since. No, that wouldn't be politically effective. The
Speaker 1: gray man nodded and walked away, musing. Egbert, the traction boss,
Speaker 1: explained Waldemar, We're generally on opposite sides, but this time
Speaker 1: we're both against Linder. Egbert wants a cheaper man for mayor.
Speaker 1: I want a straighter one, and I could get him
Speaker 1: this year if Linder wasn't so well fortified. However, to
Speaker 1: get back to our project, mister Jones, get back to
Speaker 1: it they did with such absorption that, when the group
Speaker 1: broke up several hours later, Average Jones was committed by
Speaker 1: plan and wrote to the new and hopeful adventure of
Speaker 1: life in the great human hunt, which has ever been
Speaker 1: and ever shall be, till the last bird flies into
Speaker 1: the last light. Some call it business, some call it art,
Speaker 1: some call it love, and a very few know it
Speaker 1: for what it is, the very mainspring of existence. The
Speaker 1: path of the pursuer and the prey often run obscurely parallel.
Speaker 1: What time the Honorable William Lender matured his designs on
Speaker 1: the Mayoralty, Average Jones sat in a suite of offices
Speaker 1: Astra Court, a location which Waldemar had advised as being central,
Speaker 1: expensive and inspirational of confidence, and considered with a whirling
Speaker 1: brain the minor woes of humanity. Other people's troubles had
Speaker 1: swarmed down upon him in answer to his advertised offer
Speaker 1: of help as Sparrow's flocked of scattered breadcrumbs. Mostly these
Speaker 1: were of the lesser order of difficulties. But for what
Speaker 1: he gave in advice and help, the adviser took payment
Speaker 1: in experience and knowledge of human nature. Still, it was
Speaker 1: the hard, honest study and the helpful toil which held
Speaker 1: him to the task, rather than the romance and adventure
Speaker 1: which he had hoped for and Waldemar had foretold. Until
Speaker 1: in a quiet street in Brooklyn, of which he had
Speaker 1: never so much as heard, there befell that which first
Speaker 1: of many events justified the prophetic Waldemar and gave Average
Speaker 1: Jones a part in the greater drama of the metropolis.
Speaker 1: The party of the set second part was the Honorable
Speaker 1: William Linder. Mister Linder sat at five p m. Of
Speaker 1: an early summer day, behind lock and bolt, the third
Speaker 1: floor front room of his ornate mansion on Brooklyn's Park
Speaker 1: Slope was dedicated to peaceful thought. Sprawled in a huge
Speaker 1: and softly upholstered chair at the window, he took his
Speaker 1: ease in his house. The chair had been a recent
Speaker 1: gift from an anonymous admirer, whose political necessities, the honorable
Speaker 1: mister Linder idly surmised, had not yet driven him to
Speaker 1: reveal his identity. Its occupants. Stretched his shoeless feet, as
Speaker 1: was his custom, upon the broad window sill, flooded by
Speaker 1: the seasonal warmth of sunshine. The while he considered the
Speaker 1: ripening mayoralty situation, he found it highly satisfactory in the
Speaker 1: language of his inner man. It was a cinch. Below,
Speaker 1: in Cannard Street, a solitary musician plotted, his pretzel shaped
Speaker 1: brass rested against his shoulder. He appeared to be the
Speaker 1: scout of one of those prevalent and melancholious German bands
Speaker 1: which under Brooklyn's easy ordinances are privileged to draw echoes
Speaker 1: of the past, writhing from their forgotten recesses. The man
Speaker 1: looked slowly about him, as if appraising potential returns. His
Speaker 1: gravid glance encountered the prominent feet in the third story
Speaker 1: window of the Lender mansion, and rested. He moved forward
Speaker 1: opposite the window. He paused. He raised the mouthpiece to
Speaker 1: his lips, and embarked upon a perilous sea of notes,
Speaker 1: from which the tutored ear might have inferred that once
Speaker 1: popular ditty egypt Love of music was not one of
Speaker 1: Honorable William Linder's attributes. An irascal temper was. Of all
Speaker 1: the instruments, the B flat trombone possesses the most nerve
Speaker 1: jarring tone. The master of the mansion leaped from his
Speaker 1: RESTful chair, where his feet had or of the coping.
Speaker 1: His face now appeared far out. He leaned and roared
Speaker 1: at the musician below. The brass throat blared back at him,
Speaker 1: while the soloist, his eyes closed in the ecstasy of art,
Speaker 1: brought the verst part of his selection to an excruciating conclusion,
Speaker 1: half a tone below pitch before the chorus. There was
Speaker 1: a brief pause for effect. In this pause, from mister
Speaker 1: Linder's open face, a voice fell like a falling star.
Speaker 1: Although it did not cry excelsior, its output of vocables
Speaker 1: might have been mistaken by a casual ear for that
Speaker 1: clarion call. What the honorable mister Linder actually shouted was
Speaker 1: get the hell out of here. The performer upturned a
Speaker 1: mild and vacant face. What you say, he inquired in
Speaker 1: a softly teutonic accent. The Honorable William Lender made urgent
Speaker 1: gestures like a brakeman, go away, move on. The musician
Speaker 1: smiled reassuringly. I already got paid for this, he explained.
Speaker 1: Up went the brass to his lips again. The tonal
Speaker 1: stairway which leads up to the chorus of Egypt rose
Speaker 1: in raspy wailfulness. It culminated in an excessive, unendurable, brazen shriek,
Speaker 1: and the Honorable William Lender experienced upon the undefended rear
Speaker 1: of his person the most violent kick of a lifetime
Speaker 1: not always devoted to the arts of peace. It projected
Speaker 1: him clear of the window sill. His last visible vision
Speaker 1: was the face of the musician, the mouth of surdly
Speaker 1: hollow and pursed above the suddenly removed mouthpiece. Then an
Speaker 1: awning intercepted the politician's flight. He passed through this, penetrated
Speaker 1: a second and similar stretch of canvas shading the next
Speaker 1: window below, and lay placid on his own front doorsteps,
Speaker 1: with three ribs caved in and a variegated fracture of
Speaker 1: the collarbone. By the time the descent was ended, the
Speaker 1: German musician had tucked his brass under his arm and
Speaker 1: was hurrying in panic down the street, his ears still
Speaker 1: ringing from the concussion which had blown the angry householder
Speaker 1: from his own front window. He was intercepted by a
Speaker 1: running policeman. Where was the explosion, demanded the officer. Explosion,
Speaker 1: I heard a noise in the large house on the corner,
Speaker 1: replied the musician dully. The policeman grabbed his arm. Come
Speaker 1: along back, you for a witness. Come on, you and
Speaker 1: your horn. It is not a horn, exclaimed the German patiently.
Speaker 1: It's iss a B flat trombone. Along with several million
Speaker 1: other readers, Average Joan followed the lender bomb outrage through
Speaker 1: the scandalized headlines of the local press. The perpetrator declared.
Speaker 1: The excited journals had been skillful. No clue was left.
Speaker 1: The explosion had taken care of that. The police, with
Speaker 1: the characteristic stoopidity of a corps of former truck drivers
Speaker 1: and bartenders, decorated with brass buttons and shields, and without
Speaker 1: further qualification dubbed detectives, vacillated from theory to theory. Their
Speaker 1: putty and pasteboard fantasies did not long survive. The honorable
Speaker 1: William Lenders return to consciousness and coherence. An inside job,
Speaker 1: they had said. The door was locked and bolted, mister
Speaker 1: Linder declared, and there was no possible place for an
Speaker 1: intruder to conceal himself clockwork. Then how would any human
Speaker 1: being guess what time to set it for, demanded the
Speaker 1: politician in disgust. When I never know myself where I'm
Speaker 1: going to be at any given hour of any given day.
Speaker 1: Then that Dutch horn player threw the bomb, propounded the
Speaker 1: head of the detective bureau ponderously, of course, tossed it
Speaker 1: right up three stories, and kept playing his infernal trombone
Speaker 1: with the other hand all the time you ought to
Speaker 1: be carrying a hod Nevertheless, the police hung tenaciously to
Speaker 1: the theory that the musician was involved, chiefly because they
Speaker 1: had nothing else to hang to. The explosion had been
Speaker 1: very localized, the room not generally wrecked, but the chair,
Speaker 1: which seemed to be the center of the disturbance, and
Speaker 1: from which the Honorable William Lender had risen just in
Speaker 1: time to save his life, was blown to pieces, and
Speaker 1: a portion of the floor beneath it was much shattered.
Speaker 1: The force of the explosion had been above the floor downward,
Speaker 1: not up through the flooring, as to murderously inclined foes.
Speaker 1: Mister Linder disclaimed knowledge of any The notion that the
Speaker 1: trombonus had given a signal he derided as in old
Speaker 1: sleuth pipe dream. As time went on and clues came
Speaker 1: to nothing, the police had no greater concern than quietly
Speaker 1: to forget, according to custom, a problem beyond their limited powers.
Speaker 1: With the release of the German musician, who is found
Speaker 1: to be simple minded to the verge of hat witlessness,
Speaker 1: public interest waned, and the case faded out of current print.
Speaker 1: Average Jones, who was much occupied with a pair of
Speaker 1: blackmailers operating through faked photographs about that time, had almost
Speaker 1: forgotten the lender case. When one day, a month after
Speaker 1: the explosion, Waldemar dropped in at the Astro court offices,
Speaker 1: he found a change Jones, much thinner and finer than
Speaker 1: when eight weeks before he had embarked on his new
Speaker 1: career at the newspaper owner's insistence. The young man's color
Speaker 1: was less pronounced, and his eyes, though alert and eager,
Speaker 1: showed rings under them. You have found the work interesting,
Speaker 1: I take it, remarked his visitor, rather drawled average Jones appreciatively.
Speaker 1: That was a good initial effort running down the opium
Speaker 1: pill mail order enterprise. It was simple enough as soon
Speaker 1: as I saw the catchword in the wanted line. Anything
Speaker 1: is easy to a man who sees it, returned the
Speaker 1: older man sententiously. The open eye of the open mind.
Speaker 1: That has more to do with real detective work than
Speaker 1: all the deduction and induction and analysis ever devised. It
Speaker 1: is the detective part that interests me most in the game.
Speaker 1: But I haven't had much of it yet. You haven't
Speaker 1: run across any promising ads lately, have you, Waldemar's wide,
Speaker 1: florid brow wrinkled. I hadn't thought or dreamed of anything
Speaker 1: for a month, but this infernal bomb explosion. Oh the
Speaker 1: lender case, you're personally interested politically, it makes Linder's nomination
Speaker 1: certain persecution, attempted assassination. He becomes a near martyr. I
Speaker 1: am almost ready to believe that he planted a fake
Speaker 1: bomb himself and fell out of a third story window
Speaker 1: to carry out the idea. That's pushing realism rather far,
Speaker 1: isn't it, Waldemar laughed. There's the weakness unless we suppose
Speaker 1: that he under reckoned the charge of a explosive. They
Speaker 1: let the musician go, didn't they? Yes, there was absolutely
Speaker 1: no proof against him, except that he was in the
Speaker 1: street below. Besides, he seemed quite lacking mentally. Mightn't that
Speaker 1: have been a sham? Alienists of good standing examined him.
Speaker 1: They reported him just a shade better than half witted.
Speaker 1: He was like a one idea child, his whole being
Speaker 1: comprised in his ability and ambition to play his B
Speaker 1: flat trombone. Well. If I needed an accomplice, said average Jones, thoughtfully,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want any better one than a half witted man.
Speaker 1: Did he play well? Atrociously? And if you know what
Speaker 1: a soul shattering blare exudes from a b flat trombone,
Speaker 1: mister Waldemar lifted expressive hands. Within average jones overstocked mind,
Speaker 1: something stirred at the repetition of the words b flat trombone.
Speaker 1: Somewhere they had attracted his notice in print, and some
Speaker 1: they were connected with Waldemar. Then, from amidst the hundreds
Speaker 1: of advertisements with which in the past weeks he had
Speaker 1: crowded his brain, one stood out clear. He had voiced
Speaker 1: the desire of an unknown gentleman on the near border
Speaker 1: of Harlem for the services of a performer upon that
Speaker 1: semi exotic instrument, one among several. It had been cut
Speaker 1: from the columns of the Universal on the evening which
Speaker 1: had launched him upon his new enterprise. Average Jones made
Speaker 1: two steps to a bookcase, took down a huge scrap
Speaker 1: book from an alphabetized row, and turned the leaves rapidly.
Speaker 1: Three hundred east one hundredth You won't mind, will you,
Speaker 1: he said to Waldemar. If I leave you unceremoniously recall
Speaker 1: the forgotten engagement, asked the other, rising, Yes, No, I
Speaker 1: mean I'm going to Harlem to hear some music. Thirty
Speaker 1: fourth the nearest station, isn't it? Thanks so long? Waldemar
Speaker 1: rubbed his head thoughtfully as the door slammed behind the
Speaker 1: speeding adviser. Now what kind of tune is he on
Speaker 1: the track of, I wonder, he mused. I wish it
Speaker 1: hadn't struck him until I'd had time to go ovill
Speaker 1: Lender business with him. But while Waldemar rubbed his head
Speaker 1: in cogitation, and the Honorable William Lender in his Brooklyn
Speaker 1: headquarters breathed cheerily out of respect to his creaking rib,
Speaker 1: Average Jones was following fate northward three hundred East one
Speaker 1: hundredth Street. Is a house decrepit with the disease of
Speaker 1: the aged. Its windowed eyes are roomy, its SAgs backward
Speaker 1: on narl joints. All its poor old bones creak when
Speaker 1: the winds shake it. To Average Jones, inquiring gaze on
Speaker 1: this summer day, it opposed the secrecy of a senile indifference.
Speaker 1: He hesitated to pull at its bell knob lest by
Speaker 1: that act he should exert this eruptive force, which might
Speaker 1: bring all the frail structure rattling down in ruin. When
Speaker 1: at length he forced himself through the summons, the merest
Speaker 1: ghost of a tinkle complained petulantly from within against his violence.
Speaker 1: An old lady came to the door. She was sleek
Speaker 1: and placid, round and comfortable. She did not seem to
Speaker 1: belong in that house at all. Average Jones felt as
Speaker 1: if he had cracked open one of the grisly locust
Speaker 1: shells which clung lifelessly to tree trunks, and had found
Speaker 1: within a plump and prosperous beetle. Was an advertisement for
Speaker 1: a trombone player inserted from this house. Ma'am? He inquired
Speaker 1: long ago, said she am? I too late, then much?
Speaker 1: It was answered nearly two months since. I have never
Speaker 1: said the old lady with conviction, seen such a frazzled
Speaker 1: lot of folks as B flat trombone players. The person
Speaker 1: who inserted the advertisement has left a month since. Could
Speaker 1: you tell where he went? Left no address? His name
Speaker 1: was Telford, wasn't it, said Average Jones. Strategically might be,
Speaker 1: said the old lady, who had evidently formed no favorable
Speaker 1: impression of her ex lodger. But he called himself ransom.
Speaker 1: He had a furnished room, the whole third floor furnished.
Speaker 1: Is it let? Now? Part of it? The rear. I'll
Speaker 1: take the front room without even looking at it. Yes,
Speaker 1: you're a queer young man. As to price, whatever you choose,
Speaker 1: you're a very queer young man. Are you a B
Speaker 1: flat trombone player? I collect him, said Average Jones references,
Speaker 1: said the old lady abruptly, and with suspicion all varieties,
Speaker 1: replied her prospective lodger, cheerfully. I will bring him tomorrow
Speaker 1: with my grip. For five successive evenings thereafter, average Jones
Speaker 1: sat in the senile house awaiting personal response to the
Speaker 1: following advertisement, which he had inserted in the universal Wanted
Speaker 1: B flat trombonists must have had experience as street player.
Speaker 1: Apply between eight and ten pm, r three hundred East
Speaker 1: one hundredth Street. Between the EBB and flow of applicant musicians,
Speaker 1: he read exhaustively upon the unallied subjects of trombones and
Speaker 1: high explosives, or talk with his landlady, who proved to
Speaker 1: be a sociable person, not disinclined to discuss the departed
Speaker 1: guest ransom, his supplanter learned, had come light and gone light.
Speaker 1: Two dress suitcases had sufficed to bring in all his belongings.
Speaker 1: He went out but little, and then she opined with
Speaker 1: a disgustful sniff for purposes. Strictly alcoholic parcels came for
Speaker 1: him occasionally. They were usually labeled glass handle with care.
Speaker 1: Oh there was one other thing, a huge easy armchair
Speaker 1: from Carruthers and Company, mighty luxurious for an eight dollar lodger.
Speaker 1: Did he take that with him, asked average Jones. No.
Speaker 1: After he had been here a while he had a
Speaker 1: man come in and box it up. He must have
Speaker 1: sent it away, but I never saw it go. Was
Speaker 1: this before or after the trombone players came? Long after?
Speaker 1: It was after he had picked out his man and
Speaker 1: had him up there practicing. Did uh you ever see
Speaker 1: this musician? Drawled Average Jones in the slow tones of
Speaker 1: his peculiar excitement. Bless you. Yes, I talked with him.
Speaker 1: What was he like? He was a stupid old German?
Speaker 1: I always thought he was a sort of natural. Yes,
Speaker 1: Average Jones peered out of the window. Is this the
Speaker 1: man coming up the street? It surely is, said the
Speaker 1: old lady. Now, mister Jones, if he commences his blaring
Speaker 1: and blatting, and there'll be no more music, ma'am, promised
Speaker 1: the young man, laughing as she went out to the answer.
Speaker 1: The door bell. The musician ushered in looked about him,
Speaker 1: an expression of bewildered and childish surprise on his rabbit
Speaker 1: like face. I am schleeking, he murmured. I come to
Speaker 1: play the bee flat trombone. Glad to see you, mister schleekling,
Speaker 1: said Daverage Jones, leading away upstairs. Sit down. The visitor
Speaker 1: put his trombone down and shook his head with conviction.
Speaker 1: It is the same room, yes, he observed, but it
Speaker 1: is not the same gent. No, you expected to find
Speaker 1: mister Ransom here. I don't know mister Ransom. I know
Speaker 1: only to play the bee flat trombone. Mister Ransom. The
Speaker 1: gentleman who employed you to play in the street in Brooklyn,
Speaker 1: mister Sleeting made large and expansive gestures. It is a
Speaker 1: pleasure to play for such a gent he said, warmly,
Speaker 1: two dollars a day. You have played often in Canard Street.
Speaker 1: I don't know Canard Street. I know only to play
Speaker 1: the b flat trombone Canard Street in Brooklyn, where the
Speaker 1: fat gentleman told you to stop and fell out of
Speaker 1: the window. A look of fear overspread the worn and
Speaker 1: innocent face. I don't go there no more. The police,
Speaker 1: they take there, but you had gone there before. Not
Speaker 1: to play? No, not to play? Are you sure? The
Speaker 1: German considered, painfully there of us no feet in the window,
Speaker 1: he explained. Brightening upon that surprising phrase, Average Jones pondered,
Speaker 1: you were not to play unless there were feet in
Speaker 1: the window. He said, at length, was that it? The
Speaker 1: musician assented, it does look like a signal to show
Speaker 1: that Linder was in music. The interrogator, do you know Linder?
Speaker 1: I don't know nothing. Only to play the B flat trombone,
Speaker 1: repeated the other patiently. Now, Schleeting said average Jones. Here
Speaker 1: is a dollar every evening. You must come here. Whether
Speaker 1: I am here or not, there will be a dollar
Speaker 1: for you. Do you understand? By way of answer, the
Speaker 1: German reached down and lifted his instrument to his lips. No,
Speaker 1: not that, forbade Average Jones put it down. Not to
Speaker 1: play my B flat trombone, asked the other, innocently hurt.
Speaker 1: The other gent he may play here always did, he
Speaker 1: drawled average Jones, And he listened. He listened from out there.
Speaker 1: The musician pointed to the other room. How long different times,
Speaker 1: was the reply. But he was always in the other room. Always,
Speaker 1: and I play Egypt like this, no, said average Jones,
Speaker 1: as the other stretched out a hopeful hand. He liked
Speaker 1: it Egypt, said the German. Wistfully. He said, bravo, encore
Speaker 1: beasts sometimes nine, sometimes ten times I play it the chorus,
Speaker 1: and then he sent you home. Then sometimes something goes
Speaker 1: spring like that in the back room. Then he comes out,
Speaker 1: and I may go home. Hum muttered Average Jones discontentedly.
Speaker 1: When did you begin to play in the street After
Speaker 1: a long time? He'd take me away to Brooklyn and
Speaker 1: tell me, when you see the feet that's in the window,
Speaker 1: you play hard. There was a long pause, then average
Speaker 1: Jones asked casually, did you ever notice a big easy
Speaker 1: chair here? I do not notice nothing. I play my
Speaker 1: B flat trombone and there his limitations were established. But
Speaker 1: the old lady had something to add. It's all true that,
Speaker 1: he said. She confirmed. I could hear his racket in
Speaker 1: the front room and mister Ransom working in the back.
Speaker 1: And then after the old man was gone, mister Ransom
Speaker 1: sweeping up something by himself, sweeping what was he sweeping glass?
Speaker 1: I think the girl used to find little slivers of it.
Speaker 1: First in one part of the room. Then in another
Speaker 1: I raised the rent for that and for the racket.
Speaker 1: The next thing, said average Jones, is to find out
Speaker 1: where that big easy chair went from here. Can you
Speaker 1: help me there? The old lady shook her head. All
Speaker 1: I can do is tell you the nearby truck men
Speaker 1: canvas of the local trucking industry brought to light the
Speaker 1: conveyor of that elegant article of furniture. It had gone,
Speaker 1: Average Jones learned not to the mansion of the Honorable
Speaker 1: William Lynder, as he had fondly hoped, but to an
Speaker 1: obscure address not far from the Navy Yard in Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: To this address, having looked at up and gathered in
Speaker 1: the b flat trombonist, Average Jones led the way. The
Speaker 1: pair lurked in the neighborhood of the ramshackle house, watching
Speaker 1: the entrance until toward evening, as the door opened to
Speaker 1: let out a tremulous wreck of a man, palsied with
Speaker 1: debauch schleeting, observed, datis him. He has been drinking once again,
Speaker 1: Average Jones hurried the musician around the corner into concealment.
Speaker 1: You have been here before to meet mister Ransom. No
Speaker 1: where did he meet you to pay you your wages
Speaker 1: on some corner, said the other vaguely. Then he took
Speaker 1: you to the big house and left you there, urged Jones. No,
Speaker 1: he left me on the street corner. When the feet
Speaker 1: is in the window, he says, you play. It comes
Speaker 1: to this, drawled average Jones, intently looking the employee between
Speaker 1: his vacuous eyes. Ransom shipped the chair to Plymouth Street
Speaker 1: and from there to Lyndeuse. He figured that Linder would
Speaker 1: put it in his study and do his sitting at
Speaker 1: the window in it. And you were to know when
Speaker 1: he was there by seeing his feet in the window,
Speaker 1: and give the signal when you saw him. It must
Speaker 1: have been a signal to somebody pretty far off, or
Speaker 1: he wouldn't have chosen so loud an instrument as a
Speaker 1: B flat trombone. I can play the B flat trombone
Speaker 1: louder as any man in the business, asserted schleeting with
Speaker 1: proud conviction. But what gets me, pursued average Jones, is
Speaker 1: the purpose of the signal. Whom was it for? I
Speaker 1: don't know nothing, said the other complacently. I only know
Speaker 1: how to play the B flat trombone louder as any
Speaker 1: man in the world. Average Jones paid him a lump sum,
Speaker 1: dismissed him, and returned to the Cosmic Club, there to
Speaker 1: ponder the problem. What next to accuse Ransom, the mysterious
Speaker 1: hirer of a B flat trombone virtuosity without sufficient proof
Speaker 1: upon which to base even a claim of cross examination,
Speaker 1: would be to block his own game. Then and there,
Speaker 1: for Ransom could and very likely would go away, leaving
Speaker 1: no trace. Who was Ransom anyway, and what relation, if any,
Speaker 1: did he bear to Linder. Absorbed in these considerations, he
Speaker 1: failed to notice that the club was filling up beyond
Speaker 1: its wont A hand fell on his shoulder. Hello, Average,
Speaker 1: haven't seen you at a Saturday special night since you
Speaker 1: started your hobby. It was Bertram. What's on, Average Jones
Speaker 1: asked him, shaking hands. Freak concert Belwarding has trotted out
Speaker 1: part of his collection of medieval musical instruments, and some
Speaker 1: professionals are going to play them. Waldemar is at our table,
Speaker 1: Come and join us. Conversation at the round table was
Speaker 1: general and lively that evening, and not until the port
Speaker 1: came on The Prideful Club Port served only on special
Speaker 1: occasions and in wonderful delicate glasses. Did average Jones get
Speaker 1: an opportunity to speak to Waldemar's side. I've been looking
Speaker 1: into that lender matter a little. Indeed, I've about given
Speaker 1: up hope. You spoke of an old scandal in lender's career.
Speaker 1: What was the husband's name, our buthnot? I believe do
Speaker 1: you know what sort of looking man he was? No?
Speaker 1: I could find out from Washington? What was his business? Government? Employment?
Speaker 1: I think in the scientific line, perhaps, drawled Jones? Why, yes,
Speaker 1: I believe it was. Hmm. Suppose now Linders should drop
Speaker 1: out of the combination. Who would be the most likely nominee? Marsden,
Speaker 1: the man I've been grooming for the place, A first class, honorable,
Speaker 1: fearless man. Well, it's only a chance, But if I
Speaker 1: can get one dark point cleared up, he paused as
Speaker 1: a curious tingling now came from the platform where the
Speaker 1: musicians were tuning tip one of Bellarding's sweet dulcets. Observed Bertram.
Speaker 1: The performer nearest them, was a running a slow bass
Speaker 1: scale on a sort of two stringed horsepittle of a
Speaker 1: strange shape. Average Joanes, still untouched, glass almost full of
Speaker 1: the precious port, trembled and sang a little tentative response.
Speaker 1: Up up, up, mounted the thrilling notes in crescendo force.
Speaker 1: What a racking sort of tone. For all his sweetness,
Speaker 1: said average Jones. His delicate and fragile port glass evidently
Speaker 1: shared the opinion, for without further warning, it split and shivered.
Speaker 1: They used to show that experiment in the laboratory, said Bertram.
Speaker 1: You must have just the accurate amount of liquid in
Speaker 1: the glass. Average move back, you lunatic. It's dripping all
Speaker 1: over you. But average Jones sat unheeding the liquor dribbled
Speaker 1: down into his lap. He kept his fascinated gaze fixed
Speaker 1: on a shattered glass. Bertram dabbed him with a napkin. Thanks,
Speaker 1: Bertram drawled the beneficiary of this attention, does it matter?
Speaker 1: Excuse me good night. Leaving his surprised companions, he took
Speaker 1: hat and cane and caught a third avenue car. By
Speaker 1: the time he had reached Brooklyn Bridge, he had his
Speaker 1: campaign mapped out. It all depended upon the opening question.
Speaker 1: Average Jones decided to hit out and hit quick. At
Speaker 1: the house near the navy Yard, he learned that his
Speaker 1: man was out, so he sat upon the front steps
Speaker 1: while one of the highest priced wines in New York,
Speaker 1: dried into his knees. Shortly before eleven, a shuffling figure
Speaker 1: paused at the steps, feeling for a key. Mister arbuthnot
Speaker 1: otherwise Ransom, said Average Jones blandly. The man's chin jerked back,
Speaker 1: his jaw dropped. Would you like to hire another B
Speaker 1: flat trombonist, pursued the young man. Who are you? Gasped
Speaker 1: the other. What do you want? I want to know?
Speaker 1: Drawled average Jones. How you planted the glass bulb, the
Speaker 1: sulfuric glass bulb you know, in the chair that you
Speaker 1: sent to the Honorable William Linder, so that it wouldn't
Speaker 1: be shattered by anything but the middle C note of
Speaker 1: a B flat trombone. The man sat down weakly and
Speaker 1: bowed his face in his hands. Presently, he looked up.
Speaker 1: I don't care, he said, come inside. At the end
Speaker 1: of an hour's talk, Arbuthnot alias Ransom agreed to everything.
Speaker 1: At Average Jones proposed, mind you, he said, I don't
Speaker 1: promise I won't kill him later, but meantime it'll be
Speaker 1: some satisfaction to put him down and out politically. You
Speaker 1: can find me here any time you want me. You
Speaker 1: say you'll see Linder tomorrow. Tomorrow, said average Jones. Look
Speaker 1: in the next day's paper for the result, setting his
Speaker 1: telephone receiver down. The Honorable William Linder lost himself in conjecture.
Speaker 1: He had just given an appointment to his tried and
Speaker 1: true but quite impersonal enemy, mister Horace Waldemar. What can
Speaker 1: Waldemar want of me? Ran his thoughts. And who is
Speaker 1: this friend Jones that he's bringing Jones? Jones, Jones. He
Speaker 1: tried it in three different accents, without extracting any particular meaning.
Speaker 1: Therefrom nothing much in the political game. He decided. It
Speaker 1: was with a mingling of gruffness and dignity that he
Speaker 1: greeted mister Waldemar an hour later. The introduction to average
Speaker 1: Jones he acknowledged with a curt nod. Want a job
Speaker 1: for this young man? Waldemar, he grunted, not at present,
Speaker 1: thank you, returned the newspaper owner. Mister Jones has a
Speaker 1: few arguments to present to you. Arguments, repeated the Honorable
Speaker 1: William Lender contemptuously. What kind of arguments political arguments mayoralty
Speaker 1: to be specific? To be more specific, still, arguments showing
Speaker 1: why you should drop out of the race pinfeather reformer A.
Speaker 1: The politician turned to meet average Jones's steady gaze and
Speaker 1: mildly inquiring smile. Do you know anything of submarine minds,
Speaker 1: mister Linder drawl the visitor, huh, return the Honorable William
Speaker 1: Lender startled. Submarine minds, explained the other minds in the sea.
Speaker 1: If you wish words of one syllable the lives of
Speaker 1: the Honorable Lender contracted, You're in the wrong joint, he said.
Speaker 1: This ain't the Naval College. Thank you. A submarine mind
Speaker 1: is a very ingenious I've recently been reading somewhat extensively
Speaker 1: on the subject. The main charge is some high explosive,
Speaker 1: usually of the dynamite type. Above it is a small
Speaker 1: jar of sulfuric acid. Teeth working on levers surround this jar.
Speaker 1: The levers project outside the mine. When a ship strikes
Speaker 1: the mine, one or more of the levers are pressed
Speaker 1: in the teeth crushed the jar. The sulfuric acid drops
Speaker 1: upon the main charge and explodes it. Do you follow me?
Speaker 1: I'll follow you as far as the front door, said
Speaker 1: the politician balefully. He rose if the charge were in
Speaker 1: a chair and the cushion of an easy chair, will say,
Speaker 1: on the third floor of a house in Brooklyn, the
Speaker 1: Honorable William Linder sat down again. He sat heavily. The
Speaker 1: problem would be somewhat different. Of course. It would be
Speaker 1: easy to arrange that the first person to sit down
Speaker 1: in the chair would, by his own weight, blow himself up.
Speaker 1: But the first person might not be the right person.
Speaker 1: You know, do you still follow me? The Honorable William
Speaker 1: Lynder made a remark, like a fish. Now we have
Speaker 1: if you will forgive my profossorial method, continued Average Jones.
Speaker 1: A chair sent to a gentleman of prominence from an
Speaker 1: anonymous source. In this chair is a charge of high
Speaker 1: explosive and above it a glass bulb containing sulfuric acid.
Speaker 1: The ball, we will assume, is so safeguarded as to
Speaker 1: resist any ordinary shock of moving. But when this gentleman,
Speaker 1: sitting at ease in his chair is noticed by a
Speaker 1: trombonist placed for that purpose in the street below, the
Speaker 1: dutch horn player, cried the politician. Then it was him,
Speaker 1: and I'll only an innocent tool, interrupted Average Jones. In
Speaker 1: his turn, he had no comprehension of what he was doing.
Speaker 1: He didn't understand that the vibration from his trombone on
Speaker 1: one particular note, by the slide of the scale, as
Speaker 1: in the chorus of Egypt, would shiver that glass and
Speaker 1: set off the charge. All that he knew was to
Speaker 1: play the B flat trombone and take his pay his pay.
Speaker 1: The question leaped to the politician's lips. Who paid him?
Speaker 1: A man named arbuthnot drawled Average Jones. Linders's eyes did
Speaker 1: not drop, but a film seemed to be drawn over them.
Speaker 1: You once knew a missus Arbuthnut the thick shoulders quivered
Speaker 1: a little. Her husband, her widower, is in Brooklyn. Shall
Speaker 1: I push the argument any further to convince you that
Speaker 1: you'd better drop out of the mayoralty race? Linda recovered
Speaker 1: himself a little. What kind of game are you ringing
Speaker 1: in on me? He demanded, don't you think? Suggested average
Speaker 1: Jones sweetly. That considered as news this Linders caught the
Speaker 1: word out of his mouth. News. He roared a fake story,
Speaker 1: ten years old news at a news it's spite work.
Speaker 1: Even your dirty paper Waldemar wouldn't rake that kind of
Speaker 1: muck up after ten years. It'd be a boomerang. You'll
Speaker 1: have to put up a stronger line of blackmail and
Speaker 1: bluff than that. Blackmail is perhaps the correct word, technically,
Speaker 1: admitted the newspaper owner. But bluff there you go wrong.
Speaker 1: You've forgotten one thing that our buf knots arrest and
Speaker 1: confession would make the whole story news. We stand ready
Speaker 1: to arrest our buff Knot, and he stands ready to confess.
Speaker 1: There was a long, tense minute of silence. Then what
Speaker 1: do you want? The straight to the point question was
Speaker 1: an admission of defeat, your announcement of withdrawal. I'd rather
Speaker 1: print that than the arbuffknot story. There was a long silence. Finally,
Speaker 1: the honorable lender dropped his hand on the table. You win,
Speaker 1: he declared curtly. But you'll give me the benefit in
Speaker 1: the announcements of bad health caused by the shock of
Speaker 1: the explosion to explain my quitting Waldemar. It will certainly
Speaker 1: make it more plausible, assented the newspaper owner with a smile.
Speaker 1: Linda turned on average Jones. Did you dope this out,
Speaker 1: young fellow? He demanded, Yes, Well, you've put me in
Speaker 1: the down and out club, all right, and I'm just
Speaker 1: curious enough to want to know how you did it
Speaker 1: by abstaining returned average jones, cryptically from the best wine
Speaker 1: that ever came out of the Cosmic Club's cellar. End
Speaker 1: of the B flat trombone