WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.160 At one twelve in the morning. The city below is 2 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:10.000 alive in the way only a city ever is never 3 00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:14.560 fully asleep, always humming with possibility. Neon still flickering on 4 00:00:14.599 --> 00:00:19.559 empty sidewalks, music looping somewhere behind concrete and brick. But 5 00:00:19.719 --> 00:00:23.120 up here inside our place, on the twelfth floor, the 6 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:27.160 energy is muted, the walls absorbing all that vibrancy rather 7 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:31.120 than reflecting it. I'm on the couch, feet bare against 8 00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:34.880 the cold tiles, TV dark, just my phone in hand, 9 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:38.759 cycling numbly through the same four apps. It feels a 10 00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:41.560 little pathetic, but I'm half waiting for the sound of 11 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:44.439 her key in the door, half pretending like it doesn't 12 00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:47.679 matter that she's not home. The living room used to 13 00:00:47.719 --> 00:00:51.479 look inviting at this hour, blanketed in rich blue gray shadows, 14 00:00:51.799 --> 00:00:54.759 the paintings leaning against every wall, making the place look 15 00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:59.679 almost curated. Now the space feels hollow, each unfinished canvas, 16 00:00:59.719 --> 00:01:03.119 a room buke through the dry wall, muffled laughter and 17 00:01:03.159 --> 00:01:07.239 bass thud from a neighbor's party, people shouting, glasses clinking 18 00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:09.400 in the hall. There was a time I would have 19 00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:12.519 pulled on shoes and knocked, But to night, that restless 20 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:16.480 energy feels like it belongs to another life. My phone 21 00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:20.640 vibrates bright in my palm, a message from marrier running late. 22 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:25.079 Don't wait up, Sorry, I'll explain in the morning. I 23 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:27.879 stare at her words until the screen dims out, thumb 24 00:01:27.959 --> 00:01:30.920 paused over a reply I don't send. I've seen this 25 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:34.480 message before, not the exact phrasing, but the pattern of it, 26 00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:38.239 the way things have shifted. Six months ago, late nights 27 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:41.560 were ours. We'd lean over a big plywood board together, 28 00:01:41.840 --> 00:01:45.000 smudging paint on each other's arms, talking about color and 29 00:01:45.079 --> 00:01:48.560 negative space and whether the world even notices what we make. 30 00:01:49.120 --> 00:01:52.920 If someone was running late. It wasn't alone. We were 31 00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:56.680 a pair, swept along by whatever creative mania had gripped 32 00:01:56.760 --> 00:02:00.120 us that week. Now she's somewhere else, and I'm I'm 33 00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:02.840 left holding a void she doesn't seem to notice. Not 34 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:07.640 angry yet not really, but confused, restless, acutely aware of 35 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:11.479 how quickly routine becomes rupture. I tell myself it's unfair 36 00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:15.120 to doubt her, that inspiration keeps strange hours, that any 37 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:17.759 artist worth loving gets caught up in the work and 38 00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:21.560 loses track of time. But the reassurance rings hollow the 39 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:24.039 more I repeat it. Why doesn't she want me there 40 00:02:24.080 --> 00:02:27.759 any more? I set my phone down, turn it face down, 41 00:02:27.800 --> 00:02:30.759 out of habit. I glance around at the curated mess, 42 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:33.960 our books, our art, a glass of Pino Grigiou half 43 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:37.080 full next to a water stained coaster. The little things 44 00:02:37.080 --> 00:02:39.400 that used to feel permanent start to loosen when I 45 00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:41.719 look at them now. I pour myself the rest of 46 00:02:41.759 --> 00:02:44.120 the wine and try to sketch on my tablet, but 47 00:02:44.159 --> 00:02:46.400 I get as far as a few lazy strokes before 48 00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:50.919 letting the stylus drop. Sometimes waiting feels like creation. To 49 00:02:51.080 --> 00:02:55.199 night it feels like erosion. It wasn't always like this. 50 00:02:55.680 --> 00:02:58.680 It can't have always been like this. We met the 51 00:02:58.680 --> 00:03:00.840 way a lot of people say they meet, but never 52 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:04.439 quite mean. We met at a gallery. But it's true. 53 00:03:04.919 --> 00:03:07.400 Her laugh was too loud for the space. She was 54 00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:10.080 standing in front of a cluster of distressed panels by 55 00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:12.759 some kid who just moved in from Berlin, and she 56 00:03:12.840 --> 00:03:16.479 was arguing, gently but with actual conviction, that the piece 57 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:19.879 was more interesting unfinished than anything he could have added. 58 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:23.319 I lingered at the edge of the group, pretending to 59 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:26.439 stare at a photograph, listening just to hear her knock 60 00:03:26.520 --> 00:03:31.080 the air around with big, soft confidence. At some point 61 00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:34.280 she caught me staring. Instead of looking away, she tilted 62 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:37.280 her head and asked what I thought. The conversation was 63 00:03:37.400 --> 00:03:40.400 chaos about what art is supposed to do, where the 64 00:03:40.439 --> 00:03:43.560 criticism could ever be as generous as creation? If any 65 00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:45.919 one should ever admit they love a piece rather than 66 00:03:45.960 --> 00:03:50.120 intellectualizing it into boredom, she challenged me. And I like that. 67 00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:53.439 I felt seen pulled out of my own head. I 68 00:03:53.479 --> 00:03:58.120 suppose I fell right. Then we landed eventually in a 69 00:03:58.120 --> 00:04:02.120 shared sense of ambition. Nothing grandiose, just the feeling that 70 00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:04.520 what we made and how we thought could latch onto 71 00:04:04.520 --> 00:04:07.680 something bigger. She invited me for a post jow drink. 72 00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:11.039 I walked her home. Second date was brunch at a 73 00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:13.919 bestro that forgot my order but gave us a bottle 74 00:04:13.960 --> 00:04:16.439 of cheap Carver on the house, and we were tipsy 75 00:04:16.519 --> 00:04:20.120 and honest at two in the afternoon. We were married 76 00:04:20.160 --> 00:04:23.639 two years later in a borrowed studio with joint vows 77 00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:26.120 and a crillick on our hands. From the night before 78 00:04:26.800 --> 00:04:30.000 our wedding looked like a protest march through the arts district. 79 00:04:30.519 --> 00:04:33.879 Our friends roasted us over bad karaoke, but you couldn't 80 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:36.959 find a single person who doubted we fit. Not then, 81 00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:40.720 these last five years, we've built a life together among 82 00:04:40.839 --> 00:04:45.439 constant change. We host dinner parties, long raucous affairs that 83 00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:48.279 start in the kitchen and spill onto the balcony. Our 84 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:51.759 friend group is tight, each with their own projects, gossips 85 00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:54.360 swirling when someone lands a gallery or screws up an 86 00:04:54.439 --> 00:04:57.639 artist grant. There's Rowan who can talk for an hour 87 00:04:57.680 --> 00:05:02.800 about brushwork, Devon who finish everyone's sentences, and b who 88 00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:07.199 keeps us all grounded with her unfiltered skepticism. Marier and 89 00:05:07.240 --> 00:05:10.319 I were always the couple who played mediator, the ones 90 00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:14.480 people would trust with their disasters or triumphs. Not just 91 00:05:14.519 --> 00:05:17.160 because we were together, but because we made a habit 92 00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:21.040 of being present. On Friday nights when we didn't want 93 00:05:21.079 --> 00:05:25.120 a crowd, We'd retreat her favorite wine bar, scribble ideas 94 00:05:25.160 --> 00:05:28.279 into matching sketch books, make inside jokes about the way 95 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:32.040 everyone in the creative world seems mildly unhinged but lovable. 96 00:05:32.639 --> 00:05:36.319 Our mornings always included coffee from one impossibly stubborn bodega, 97 00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:39.519 even on the days we had deadlines. I still make 98 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:43.759 her espresso the way she likes ridiculously strong, a teaspoon 99 00:05:43.800 --> 00:05:46.680 of cinnamon dusted on top, a tiny cookie on the 100 00:05:46.759 --> 00:05:50.279 rim of her mug. Rituals like that I used to 101 00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:55.079 think made us unbreakable. We cheered each other's successes. She 102 00:05:55.160 --> 00:05:57.399 pushed me to hang my first solo show when I 103 00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.120 want to stall another year. I would crawl in to 104 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:02.600 bed at three am and find her reading over my 105 00:06:02.759 --> 00:06:06.519 artist's statement with a red pen, leaving small, sharp edits 106 00:06:06.519 --> 00:06:09.560 that never strung. Because I trusted her. I was in 107 00:06:09.639 --> 00:06:12.720 her corner, she was in mine. We set it straight 108 00:06:12.759 --> 00:06:15.959 out in so many small ways. I am proud of you. 109 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:21.040 We had arguments, of course, we did, sometimes small, sometimes not. 110 00:06:21.560 --> 00:06:23.639 The last big one was about whether we were spending 111 00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:27.079 too much time on separate projects. She landed a residency, 112 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:29.720 I was on a commission, and suddenly we were passing 113 00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:33.120 each other like strangers. It got heated, but fizzled into 114 00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:36.199 laughter when she dropped cereal all over the kitchen. We 115 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:40.079 made fun of ourselves. Later, she texted me Ameme, two 116 00:06:40.120 --> 00:06:45.519 skeletons working at adjacent laptops, the caption relationship goals for 117 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:48.959 creative introverts. For a while, that was all it took 118 00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:52.800 to patch things up. Our shorthand our private language got 119 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:56.199 us through the rough parts. Our friends tell us they 120 00:06:56.319 --> 00:06:59.399 envy the ease between us, the balance. I want that 121 00:06:59.480 --> 00:07:03.720 to still be true. My favorite recent memory, the one 122 00:07:03.720 --> 00:07:06.519 I keep replaying when things feel tense, was a week 123 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:08.959 ago when we sprawled on the floor mapping out a 124 00:07:09.079 --> 00:07:12.360 mural pitch. I'd been stuck, and she took my hand, 125 00:07:12.519 --> 00:07:15.040 dragged my palm over the mock up, and said, let's 126 00:07:15.160 --> 00:07:18.480 just do it. Trust the mess, her hand over mine, 127 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:22.639 warm paintsmered, confident, sure. In that moment, it felt like 128 00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:26.360 nothing could go wrong. But to night, I sit alone 129 00:07:26.680 --> 00:07:29.879 and I have no idea where she is. The next night, 130 00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:33.040 we attend Rowan's opening at the converted warehouse just east 131 00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:36.439 of Maine. The whole cruise there, voices echo off the 132 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:40.120 concrete paintings hung at odd angles. Music that's trying a 133 00:07:40.120 --> 00:07:42.839 little too hard to be avant guard, but works because 134 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:46.920 of who's there. Maria fits places like this naturally. The 135 00:07:47.000 --> 00:07:50.000 moment we step in, she's already calling to someone across 136 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:54.000 the room, already laughing, already explaining a joke she hasn't 137 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:57.800 even finished telling. I lean into a small circle near 138 00:07:57.800 --> 00:08:01.199 the drink's table, Devon's pouring so kind of spiked cider. 139 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:06.120 Be is ranting about minimalist sculpture again, between stories about 140 00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:10.439 failed residency applications and a gallery in turns crush. Maria 141 00:08:10.560 --> 00:08:13.160 checks her phone, glances up at me now, and then 142 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:16.079 smiling the way she does when she thinks I'm about 143 00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:19.519 to make fun of her for networking too hard. Half 144 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:22.160 Way through, she slips up behind me and whispers that 145 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:24.800 she has to run out for a collective meeting, one 146 00:08:24.839 --> 00:08:27.480 of these impromptu sessions with a new group she's been 147 00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:32.039 so excited about. Won't be long, I promise, she says, midnight. 148 00:08:32.080 --> 00:08:35.039 Back at the latest, she presses a kiss to my neck, 149 00:08:35.320 --> 00:08:38.360 squeezes my hand, and is already out the door before 150 00:08:38.360 --> 00:08:41.360 I can ask who's leading the meeting. She didn't invite 151 00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:45.919 me along, didn't mention who's attending. I drift in her absence, 152 00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:49.399 falling into a conversation about an artist grant I'm considering. 153 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:54.120 Devon appears at my elbow an hour later, drink refreshed, tone, 154 00:08:54.240 --> 00:08:58.039 casual but curious. How's Maria liking all her late nights 155 00:08:58.039 --> 00:09:02.279 at the collective? Heard she and that artist guy alike? Inseparable. 156 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:07.200 Ellis something he's been at every session, right, I pause, 157 00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:10.799 wine glass half way to my mouth. Ellis, I haven't 158 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:14.039 met him yet. She's mentioned new faces, but I don't 159 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:19.240 remember any Ellis. Devon shrugs, SIPs. Oh yeah, I thought 160 00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:22.120 you all worked together on that giant piece for the facade. 161 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:25.279 It's mostly singles at those meet ups, isn't it looks 162 00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:28.559 like a good scene. Her tone is innocent, just a 163 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:31.240 bit too off hand. I can already feel the question 164 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:35.840 she's not asking. I keep my face neutral, no idea. 165 00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:40.519 I'm glad she's found a group, though Devon nods unconcerned. 166 00:09:40.919 --> 00:09:43.759 She turns away, already drawn into a debate about the 167 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:48.279 merits of digital collage. But the conversation sticks, and like before, 168 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:50.159 I don't have a way to fit this detail into 169 00:09:50.159 --> 00:09:53.360 the framework of trust that's always felt sturdy. I run 170 00:09:53.399 --> 00:09:57.559 through the recent weeks, late nights, the explosion of collective projects, 171 00:09:57.720 --> 00:10:01.480 her insistence on keeping those worlds sep It wouldn't be weird, 172 00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:04.559 I tell myself. She's always brought new people in and 173 00:10:04.600 --> 00:10:08.240 out of our shared orbit. But something in Devon's tone 174 00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:12.759 lodges in my chest. The night drags, I leave early 175 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:15.480 barely able to pretend I'm interested in a talk about 176 00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:18.519 sculpture as protest. On my way home, the streets are 177 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:21.919 a little too quiet, the ride's share too slow. When 178 00:10:21.960 --> 00:10:24.799 I get back, our apartment is exactly as I left it. 179 00:10:25.240 --> 00:10:27.799 I stretch out on the couch, scrolling feeds that have 180 00:10:27.879 --> 00:10:31.799 an updated I make excuses for her, reminding myself that 181 00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:35.279 she's devoted to the work, to possibility, not to secrecy. 182 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:39.200 But a pit forms in my stomach. She walks in 183 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:43.240 near one thirty, not apologizing, but dropping her bag, pausing 184 00:10:43.240 --> 00:10:45.720 to lean against the frame and tow off her boots. 185 00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:48.759 She seems rung out, tired in a way that's more 186 00:10:48.840 --> 00:10:53.759 like withdrawal than creative euphoria. Sorry it went late, she says, 187 00:10:53.879 --> 00:10:58.200 not meeting my eyes. I'm exhausted. I try to ask 188 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.679 about it, to catch a thread of conversation. Was it 189 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:05.440 a good session, She offers, a thin smile that never 190 00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:09.639 reaches her eyes. Yeah, productive, lot of opinions. I just 191 00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:12.879 need to sleep. We'll talk to morrow. She doesn't wait 192 00:11:12.919 --> 00:11:16.440 for a reply, just kisses me quick dry, and vanishes 193 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:19.840 into the bathroom. In bed, she curls away from me, 194 00:11:20.120 --> 00:11:23.320 Her breaths long and even before I finish brushing my teeth. 195 00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:26.879 I stay awake, awhile, staring at the ceiling, listening to 196 00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:30.279 the city below. I play through every reason I shouldn't care, 197 00:11:30.679 --> 00:11:34.240 every time we've trusted through busy seasons, every stretch of 198 00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:38.080 independence that's made us strong. But the feeling lingers. If 199 00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:41.240 I ask, am I jealous? Or is something actually wrong? 200 00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:45.240 I don't like either answer. That week, her hours take 201 00:11:45.240 --> 00:11:49.519 on a distinctly erratic rhythm. There are dinners, skipped lunch plans, 202 00:11:49.559 --> 00:11:52.879 forgotten texts left on read for hours at a time. 203 00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:57.279 She runs late in the morning, blaming the collective's project deadlines, 204 00:11:57.519 --> 00:12:01.200 apologizing as she shrugs into her coat. I find myself 205 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:04.360 double checking her calendar, surprised at how little I know 206 00:12:04.519 --> 00:12:08.440 about her evenings. It unnerves me. The sudden emptiness her 207 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:12.840 absence leaves. I try to salvage our routines, proposing a 208 00:12:12.919 --> 00:12:16.840 quick lunch near her studio. She cancels last minute. Sorry, 209 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:21.159 gallery run took longer, ovens still broken, reins killing my brain. 210 00:12:21.879 --> 00:12:25.320 I tell myself, I believe her. I want to believe her. Normally, 211 00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:28.159 she texts me photos from whatever lobby arch she discovered, 212 00:12:28.399 --> 00:12:30.960 or send a quick voice memo with a silly anecdote 213 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:34.519 from the group. Lately, her phone is silent or worse, 214 00:12:34.840 --> 00:12:39.039 full of generic thumbs up reply emojis. The intimacy of 215 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:44.720 her messages vanishes, replaced by pragmatic exchange. The next week end, 216 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:47.120 our crew meets for brunch at the cafe with the 217 00:12:47.159 --> 00:12:51.480 wobbly tables and endless Mimosas I arrive first, order us 218 00:12:51.480 --> 00:12:56.000 both avocado toast, and wait ten minutes late. She arrives, 219 00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:59.200 hair in a messy bun, wearing a vintage tea I've 220 00:12:59.240 --> 00:13:03.000 never seen. She seems both present and far away, like 221 00:13:03.039 --> 00:13:07.399 she's still orbiting whatever conversation she left behind. We fall 222 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:10.600 into chatter. Rowan is moving to a new loft, Bees 223 00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:14.200 debating a trip to Lisbon. Maria's phone is face down 224 00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:18.679 beside her plate, buzzing every so often. Devon snarks careful 225 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:22.200 Marier might get snatched away. Haven't you seen her new shadow? 226 00:13:22.519 --> 00:13:26.399 Ellis right, that guy's your collective's new mascot. Never seen 227 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:30.799 some one so game for late night painting. Maria doesn't flinch, 228 00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:34.159 but she doesn't volunteer anything either. I can't tell if 229 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:37.440 she's annoyed by the attention or just bored. I turned 230 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:41.519 to her. Keep my tone even ellis you never mentioned him? 231 00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:46.000 What's he like? She shrugs, slicing her toast. He's just 232 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:50.679 a peer, super talented, really focused on portraiture. His style's wild, 233 00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:55.440 lot of movement. Anyway, she redirects, devon, didn't you say 234 00:13:55.440 --> 00:13:59.080 you're curating a new pop up? It's artful the way 235 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:01.720 she keeps things j general. We move on, but the 236 00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:05.720 exchange stings. I glance down at her hands, wondering if 237 00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:09.200 I'm projecting. Am I supposed to dig or accept her 238 00:14:09.240 --> 00:14:12.799 answer at face value? Every one has new acquaintances all 239 00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:17.399 the time. Maybe I'm overstepping. That night, she returns late 240 00:14:17.480 --> 00:14:20.600 after group, drinks, her breath sweet with gin, her laugh 241 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:24.039 softer than usual. She doesn't offer details, just sinks onto 242 00:14:24.039 --> 00:14:26.840 the couch beside me, stretching her legs over my lap. 243 00:14:27.279 --> 00:14:29.679 When I try to ask about her night, she closes 244 00:14:29.720 --> 00:14:32.600 her eyes and says, can we just watch something dumb? 245 00:14:32.919 --> 00:14:37.360 My brain's fried. I let it slide. Three nights later, 246 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:40.879 curiosity wins out. I sit at my laptop staring at 247 00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:44.279 a collective social feed. The posts are the usual blend 248 00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:48.159 works in progress. Event invites shots of paint splattered shoes 249 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:50.799 and bottles of cheap beer. But then I spot him, 250 00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:54.960 Ellis tagged in several photos, tall with paint stained hands 251 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:58.519 and a geometric hair cut. In each frame, Marriers somewhere 252 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:03.399 near by, sometimes leaning over his shoulder, sometimes laughing behind him. 253 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:07.240 My stomach churns with an irrational jealousy that I try 254 00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:12.559 desperately to reason away. I look deeper. Ellis's own feed 255 00:15:12.679 --> 00:15:17.840 is cryptic, no bio, only scattered images, abstracted cityscapes, candid 256 00:15:17.840 --> 00:15:20.879 shots of people at bars, and occasional selfie with a 257 00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:25.200 half hidden smile. And there's Marrier again, a backgrown shadow 258 00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:28.159 in three separate posts, always in the thick of things, 259 00:15:28.519 --> 00:15:33.159 sometimes with her head thrown back, eyes sparkling. I close 260 00:15:33.240 --> 00:15:36.039 my laptop and paced the apartment. I look at our 261 00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:39.360 joint credit card, an accidental habit picked up from living 262 00:15:39.399 --> 00:15:43.120 together so long. A few charges stand out, clustered in 263 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:47.559 neighborhoods we rarely visit, late night bestros, bottle shops, ride 264 00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:51.519 chairs at odd hours. I try to ask, without sounding suspicious, 265 00:15:52.039 --> 00:15:55.440 Hey did you have dinner in riverside? The card flagged 266 00:15:55.480 --> 00:15:59.159 a bar tab. She barely looks up from her sketch book. 267 00:15:59.639 --> 00:16:02.480 Oh group went out after the crit I left early, 268 00:16:02.679 --> 00:16:07.559 but Ellis and a couple others stuck around. Why no reason? 269 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:12.279 Just curious. She offers no further detail, and I find 270 00:16:12.279 --> 00:16:15.960 myself wishing uselessly for the sort of trust that doesn't 271 00:16:15.960 --> 00:16:20.120 need validation. A week later, determined to put my anxiety 272 00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:22.879 at rest, I finish work early and amble over to 273 00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:26.759 her collective studio, telling myself it's spontaneous. I text her 274 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:30.440 in the area, thought i'd bring coffee. Minutes stretch before 275 00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:34.200 she replies, sure, come up. When I enter, she startled 276 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:36.679 a little flustered as she introduces me to a tight 277 00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:40.200 group of three, none of them Ellis. She shuffles papers, 278 00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:43.360 laugh a little too bright, eyes glancing at her phone 279 00:16:43.519 --> 00:16:47.159 every couple of minutes. I try to chat about process, 280 00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:51.720 but her answers feel clipped, barely holding on. We head 281 00:16:51.720 --> 00:16:55.600 out together, silence stretching between us. She mentions having to 282 00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:59.320 read through proposals, her tone defensive before I even ask, 283 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:03.039 don't worry, I'll be home soon. You're sweet for dropping 284 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:08.160 by her gratitude rings hollow practiced that night in bed, 285 00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:12.440 she keeps her phone angled away, thumb gliding rapidly. I 286 00:17:12.519 --> 00:17:16.119 hear the faint buzz of notifications, dozens of them. When 287 00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:19.880 I suggest she unplug for a while, she tenses deadline 288 00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:24.480 es tomorrow, can't afford to check out. I pretend to 289 00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:28.480 believe her on Thursday and invite pings in our email. 290 00:17:28.839 --> 00:17:31.640 The Collectives launching a pop up in a reclaimed gallery 291 00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:36.160 two weekends from now. I'm excited. These shows can be unpredictable, 292 00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:39.559 sometimes magical. But that night at dinner, when I say 293 00:17:39.559 --> 00:17:42.599 I'll put it in my calendar, Marius shakes her head. 294 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:46.640 It's mostly technical, honestly, she says, head buried in a salad. 295 00:17:47.079 --> 00:17:49.599 You be bored out of your mind. Let's do something 296 00:17:49.640 --> 00:17:53.880 special the next night, just us. I chafe at the exclusion. 297 00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:58.279 I like boring. I like seeing you work. She flashes 298 00:17:58.359 --> 00:18:01.359 a quick, rehearsed smile. I just want to keep some 299 00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:05.200 things mine. Happens with every project. I always bring the 300 00:18:05.240 --> 00:18:09.880 mess home eventually, trust me, I say always, But the 301 00:18:09.920 --> 00:18:15.039 words feel weightless. Physical connection shifts. She leans in for hugs, 302 00:18:15.039 --> 00:18:19.279 but her body's stiff. Kisses, landing distractedly. At night, if 303 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:21.799 we have sex, she's present for a few minutes, then 304 00:18:21.880 --> 00:18:24.920 rushes to the bath room immersing herself in a podcast. 305 00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:28.079 I chalk it up to pressure. But the old intimacy, 306 00:18:28.440 --> 00:18:32.119 the whispered jokes, the vulnerable glance at my face afterward 307 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:35.920 are missing. We argue more now over the smallest things, 308 00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:39.480 rent reminders whose turn it is to pick up groceries. 309 00:18:39.799 --> 00:18:42.799 She favors passive sighs, and I notice my own voice 310 00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:47.279 gets sharper, defensive over the pettiest slights. Our friend's notice too. 311 00:18:47.480 --> 00:18:50.559 Rowan asks if I'm sleeping enough be texts late one night? 312 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:54.440 You too? Ok? I assure them it's nothing, just the grind, 313 00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:58.039 creative surges and deadlines and too much coffee. But I'm 314 00:18:58.119 --> 00:19:02.160 lying to them and to myself. Late one Friday, near 315 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:04.359 three in the morning, I wake up to the sound 316 00:19:04.359 --> 00:19:08.000 of Marya's voice muffled in the living room laughter. Not 317 00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:11.759 just polite amusement, but that wild, free giggle I used 318 00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:14.559 to think was reserved for us. When I step into 319 00:19:14.599 --> 00:19:17.559 the hall, she clicks off the call mid joke. When 320 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:22.319 she sees me, she flushes, Sorry, Ellis is being ridiculous. 321 00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:26.400 We're arguing about a concept for a group portrait. She 322 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:29.680 moves to kiss me, quick and dismissive. I try to 323 00:19:29.720 --> 00:19:33.160 meet her eyes, but her gaze skates away. I wonder, 324 00:19:33.319 --> 00:19:35.240 not for the first time, what she'd tell me if 325 00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:39.319 I pushed. Our friends start asking me, not her, if 326 00:19:39.319 --> 00:19:43.200 everything's all right. It happens casually at drinks during a 327 00:19:43.240 --> 00:19:46.599 break in figure drawing class. There's something in the air, 328 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:50.240 something every one senses but is too polite to say directly. 329 00:19:50.839 --> 00:19:56.240 I insist we're fine, that relationships have rough seasons. Inside, 330 00:19:56.319 --> 00:19:59.119 I am not fine. I am living in the quiet 331 00:19:59.160 --> 00:20:04.720 collapse of shed certainty, wondering exactly what constitutes betrayal. A 332 00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:08.839 week later, I decide, deliberately, even pridefully, to lean the 333 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:12.559 other direction. I bring home her favorite noodles, set up 334 00:20:12.599 --> 00:20:15.359 candles in the living room, stream the album she always 335 00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:19.039 requests when she sketches. She comes in later than expected. 336 00:20:19.400 --> 00:20:22.200 Her hair is damp from rain, I make up smudged 337 00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:25.039 for a second. She looks like the woman I married, 338 00:20:25.319 --> 00:20:29.480 exhausted but still shining under the city's haze. We eat 339 00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:33.240 picnic style floor cushions, forming a makeshift nest. As we eat, 340 00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:36.680 the tension drops. She laughs at my imitation of Devon's 341 00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:41.279 gallery schmoozing. She asks about my latest project. Listens, really listens, 342 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:44.880 when I ramble, then confides, finally, things have been tough. 343 00:20:45.279 --> 00:20:49.000 The collective is its tense. People are possessive about credit. 344 00:20:49.400 --> 00:20:53.440 There's a lot of She waves her fork insecurity. Sometimes 345 00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:57.440 I just need to disappear a while. I nod, grateful 346 00:20:57.480 --> 00:20:59.799 for a crumb of honesty. I want to help, if 347 00:20:59.799 --> 00:21:02.839 you'll let me. She puts her head on my shoulder. 348 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:06.720 I know. She stays close through an entire movie. Then 349 00:21:06.759 --> 00:21:09.440 takes my hand and leads me to bed. That night, 350 00:21:09.480 --> 00:21:13.160 it feels almost like before her movement softer, kisses, slow, 351 00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:16.680 She cries quietly in the dark, claims it's just stress. 352 00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:20.519 I stroke her hair until she sleeps. The next morning, 353 00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:23.119 as I make coffee, I find her sketch book open 354 00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:26.680 on the table. The pages are already delicate, water stains 355 00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:30.279 bleeding the ink. One stands out a series of intimate 356 00:21:30.319 --> 00:21:34.920 portraits Ellis. There's no mistaking the likeness, the angular jaw, 357 00:21:35.039 --> 00:21:38.039 the tilt of his head, the sideways glance. Some are 358 00:21:38.119 --> 00:21:41.400 just quick studies, others more careful. A pair of hands 359 00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:44.720 held close, eyes half shut, and mouth curved as if 360 00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:48.079 on the verge of a secret. In one, there's a 361 00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:51.640 softness in his features. I can't remember her capturing in me. 362 00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:56.440 My chest constricts. She's never drawn me like that. I 363 00:21:56.480 --> 00:21:59.359 shut the book before she appears, trying to arrange my 364 00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:04.079 face into neutrality. Her mood is lighter, oblivious. She makes 365 00:22:04.119 --> 00:22:06.960 a joke about coffee being the only thing keeping me 366 00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:10.599 loyal these days. I try to laugh along, but the 367 00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:13.599 bitterness is sharp. No matter how much I want to 368 00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:17.240 restore my trust, the image of Ellis, rendered over and 369 00:22:17.319 --> 00:22:21.319 over in ink and care keeps haunting me. Check her 370 00:22:21.319 --> 00:22:24.799 social media later in the day, suddenly unable to stop myself. 371 00:22:25.160 --> 00:22:28.799 It's all there in the comments, flirtatious exchanges between Marrier 372 00:22:28.799 --> 00:22:32.680 and Ellis, fire emojis, late night replies. The posts echo 373 00:22:32.720 --> 00:22:36.480 each other, sometimes referencing the same in joke, sometimes trading 374 00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:39.680 private allusions to works in progress. I go back through 375 00:22:39.720 --> 00:22:42.680 our messages. See the contrast. She used to send me 376 00:22:42.680 --> 00:22:47.000 her doubts, her excitement. Now our communication is mostly logistics 377 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:52.039 and reminders hers with him all possibility. Devon messages out 378 00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:55.599 of the blue, Hey weird, but you okay? Saw Marrier 379 00:22:55.640 --> 00:22:59.119 and Ellis at Etters the other night. They seemed ure close. 380 00:22:59.319 --> 00:23:02.920 I didn't want to. I ask Devon what she means 381 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:06.640 she sounds embarrassed, but doesn't take it back. Just they 382 00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:10.400 were alone, looked like they'd been there a while. I figured, well, 383 00:23:10.519 --> 00:23:13.640 maybe artists have their own rules. But I dunno. They 384 00:23:13.640 --> 00:23:16.519 were laughing, heads close together. Didn't want you to be 385 00:23:16.559 --> 00:23:21.359 blind sided. If something s going on, I lie, nothing's 386 00:23:21.400 --> 00:23:25.079 going on. She's just under a lot of pressure. But 387 00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:28.640 the seed's already taken root. Late that Friday, Maria says 388 00:23:28.640 --> 00:23:31.400 she's working late again. We have a group show coming up, 389 00:23:31.559 --> 00:23:34.559 she reminds me, as though that's an answer around one. 390 00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:37.279 I check find my a habit I hate having, but 391 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:40.039 here I am. Her phone shows up at an address 392 00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:43.799 I don't recognize, north, near a pocket of converted warehouses 393 00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:46.400 where a few art lofts have sprung up. Not the 394 00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:50.559 collective space, but a private residence. Ellis's name flickers in 395 00:23:50.599 --> 00:23:54.960 my mind. She's not home by sunrise. When she does arrive, 396 00:23:55.119 --> 00:23:59.200 the sky already bright. She's defensive, irritable, throwing her jacket 397 00:23:59.240 --> 00:24:02.880 over a chair. The project ran late. I texted, you, 398 00:24:03.279 --> 00:24:05.880 can you not do this right now? Her voice has 399 00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:09.759 an edge, like I'm the one being unreasonable. I try 400 00:24:09.799 --> 00:24:13.559 to argue gently but persistently. You said, you'd be home 401 00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:17.480