WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:02.600 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.919 --> 00:00:05.440 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.800 demand on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty. You 4 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:12.199 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor 5 00:00:12.199 --> 00:00:14.320 Wendy Walls Show. If you are new to my show, 6 00:00:14.359 --> 00:00:17.679 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, 7 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:22.079 and I'm obsessed with the science of love and all 8 00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:26.120 our relationships. And our relationships get a little bit dicey 9 00:00:26.280 --> 00:00:30.160 around this time of year because the holidays are upon us. 10 00:00:30.559 --> 00:00:32.359 So in the show, I want to talk a little 11 00:00:32.399 --> 00:00:36.960 bit about Thanksgiving and the other holidays coming up, dealing 12 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:41.000 with your ex. Also, do you remember your first love? 13 00:00:41.640 --> 00:00:44.439 We all remember our first love, don't we. Our heart 14 00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:48.000 still goes pitter patter. I'm going to talk about why 15 00:00:48.079 --> 00:00:51.000 teenage love is not puppy love and why it's very 16 00:00:51.159 --> 00:00:55.119 very important. And if you have any doubt that the 17 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:59.920 science of love is a bona fide quantifiable science, then 18 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:03.280 you better stay close because I Am going to talk 19 00:01:03.320 --> 00:01:05.280 to you about some of the latest breakthroughs in the 20 00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:08.120 science of love because it opens up the whole game 21 00:01:08.120 --> 00:01:11.719 board of life for all of us. Before we get 22 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:14.079 to it, I want to say hello to producer Kayla. 23 00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:16.359 How are you, baby? I am wonderful. Doctor Wendy, how 24 00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:18.560 are you? Your hair's like in a broccoli. Yeah, we 25 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:21.159 call it a pineapple, doctor Wendy. Well, and one of 26 00:01:21.159 --> 00:01:23.280 my kids I used to call it a broccoly broccoli 27 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:26.680 when they were three. I guess when you grow up, 28 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:28.799 it becomes a pineapple, and if you're beautiful, you get 29 00:01:28.840 --> 00:01:32.400 called a fine apple. Oh, a fineapple. That's so cute 30 00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:35.799 and raoul. How you doing. I'm great, I'm great. Happy 31 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:38.879 early Thanksgiving. I know it's coming up, it's coming up. 32 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:42.079 And Brigitta, good to see you again. Great, So listen. 33 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:44.359 I love your show. I'm a fan. Thank you. Feel 34 00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:46.400 free to pipe in if I say anything wrong, because 35 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:48.400 I do say things wrong all the time. Thing wrong. 36 00:01:48.439 --> 00:01:52.400 I just so interesting in everything. So I've talked about 37 00:01:52.439 --> 00:01:55.640 this before. Thanksgiving is a thing for a number of reasons. 38 00:01:55.640 --> 00:02:00.079 One is I think it's the biggest American holiday. And 39 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:02.120 the reason why I think it's the biggest American holiday 40 00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:04.359 is because the only one that's a two day holiday. 41 00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:07.359 I mean, I know Thursday's a Thanksgiving and Friday's the 42 00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:10.879 shopping day. But you know, basically most people, not all. 43 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:14.240 I know a lot of you essential workers in those 44 00:02:14.280 --> 00:02:17.919 stores for US Christmas shoppers are there on Friday, but 45 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:20.120 a lot of people take the two days off and 46 00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:22.280 make a long weekend. So when I was growing up 47 00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:25.879 in Canada, the big holiday was Christmas because it was 48 00:02:25.919 --> 00:02:28.719 also two day holiday, Christmas and Boxing Day. Here, I 49 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:31.080 was just shocked that Christmas was only one day and 50 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:34.159 every other holiday for the most part, not like Presence 51 00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:36.840 Day and whatever, but a lot of them are religious holidays. 52 00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:40.639 But Thanksgiving is the one thing that every American seems 53 00:02:40.680 --> 00:02:44.520 to celebrate, and they get together around a table and 54 00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:48.800 hopefully when you sit around that table on Thursday, you 55 00:02:48.840 --> 00:02:54.159 will express thanks. And there is science that supports the 56 00:02:54.199 --> 00:02:59.360 idea that gratitude has really big benefits for both your 57 00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:02.680 mental and physical health. There have been studies that show 58 00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:07.520 that people who practice gratitude regularly just have higher levels 59 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:12.360 of positivity, positive emotions. That means reduced depression and anxiety. 60 00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:16.000 But the big one that I love is better resilience 61 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:19.599 and better stress management. You know, when I'm feeling down, 62 00:03:19.639 --> 00:03:22.759 you know that saying counter blessings, but it's really true 63 00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:26.120 when you're feeling down instead of looking up, meaning that 64 00:03:26.199 --> 00:03:29.319 people who seem to be happier seem to have more stuff, 65 00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:33.360 but instead look at people who have less and feel 66 00:03:33.400 --> 00:03:36.360 good and grateful for what you do have. It can 67 00:03:36.439 --> 00:03:40.479 make you resilient. Now, there are also some physiological benefits 68 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:45.080 to gratitude. Grateful people sleep better, they have less intrusive 69 00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:48.000 thoughts in the night, They tend to have lower blood 70 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:51.360 pressure and heart health, a stronger immune system, reduced inflammation. 71 00:03:51.400 --> 00:03:54.159 This is true, it's all been proven by science. So 72 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:56.599 and also, when you're feeling grateful for your life, you 73 00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:00.840 have more healthy behaviors like exercise, and you also have 74 00:04:00.919 --> 00:04:03.960 better social bonds with your friends. So how do you 75 00:04:04.039 --> 00:04:08.479 practice gratitude? Well, I love the Thanksgiving tradition of going 76 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:11.919 around the table and asking everybody instead of saying prayers. 77 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.360 Or you can't say prayers too if you want, if 78 00:04:13.400 --> 00:04:17.199 that's your thing, you can literally just say what you're 79 00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:21.279 grateful for, and that in itself can lower your blood 80 00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:24.519 pressure just stopping to think about it. For the rest 81 00:04:24.519 --> 00:04:26.879 of us, on a regular basis, when it's not Thanksgiving, 82 00:04:27.279 --> 00:04:31.040 we can be keeping gratitude journals. We can make it 83 00:04:31.079 --> 00:04:36.639 a point to express appreciation and gratitude to others for 84 00:04:36.759 --> 00:04:39.560 no reason. I try to. I know this sounds funny, 85 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:43.040 but I don't. Maybe just says I can't stop myself, 86 00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:46.680 and I just have no verbal editing, no break on me. 87 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:51.120 When I'm out in public and I see somebody wearing something, 88 00:04:51.319 --> 00:04:53.680 or their hair a certain way, or their shoes whatever, 89 00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:57.319 I compliment them all the time, strangers in public. And 90 00:04:57.360 --> 00:04:59.920 you would not believe how people's faces just brighten up. 91 00:05:00.120 --> 00:05:02.439 They just totally love to be a compliment. You can 92 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:07.879 talk to anybody in public. Okay, anyway, I hope you 93 00:05:07.959 --> 00:05:10.759 have a wonderful Thanksgiving. But I know there's going to 94 00:05:10.759 --> 00:05:12.680 be one thing that's going to come up, not just 95 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:17.839 gratitude at the table, talk of politics. We know it's 96 00:05:17.879 --> 00:05:21.360 going to come up. We know that every family in 97 00:05:21.399 --> 00:05:25.279 America has people on one side of the table or another. 98 00:05:26.199 --> 00:05:30.480 This is very similar to the entire history of America. 99 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:32.839 Whenever I hear people say, oh my god, We've never 100 00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:36.639 been so polarized as before the Civil War. I recently, 101 00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:40.120 Julio and I my darling new husband, Julio and I 102 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:44.879 watched Hamilton. You know, I had not seen Hamilton live. 103 00:05:45.560 --> 00:05:47.839 I'd only seen it streaming over COVID when we were 104 00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:49.560 at home, and I didn't know how to turn on 105 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:52.000 the subtitles back then, and they were talking so fast 106 00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:55.519 and singing. And I've never taken an American history course. 107 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:58.240 You know. I became an American in two thousand and eight, 108 00:05:58.279 --> 00:06:00.759 and at that time, my daughter, who was a fourth grader, 109 00:06:01.199 --> 00:06:03.839 trained me for the test. She gave me all the 110 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:07.120 test questions to take the citizenship test. But I've never 111 00:06:07.160 --> 00:06:10.160 taken an American history course. And for those of you 112 00:06:10.199 --> 00:06:13.199 who say that's terrible, I will ask you, did you 113 00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:16.079 ever study about the big Battle on the Plains of 114 00:06:16.160 --> 00:06:20.639 Abraham between Montcalm and Wolf. It's the final battle in 115 00:06:20.680 --> 00:06:24.680 the Seven Years War between Britain and France that shaped Canada, 116 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:26.800 Just saying do you know about that? 117 00:06:27.240 --> 00:06:27.600 All right? 118 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:33.279 So I watched it with him with subtitles, and now 119 00:06:33.319 --> 00:06:36.720 I understand so much about American history. But also during 120 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:39.600 Alexander Hamilton's tide, well, I mean he got shot by 121 00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:43.480 the vice president. It's wild. There was a lot of division. 122 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:45.920 So here's what I want to tell you about how 123 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:49.000 you should handle it. You have a choice. You could 124 00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:51.519 make a deal ahead of time and say, guys, we're 125 00:06:51.519 --> 00:06:53.680 gonna have a wonderful family Thanksgiving. There will be no 126 00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.439 talk of politics. Let's just put it aside. You can 127 00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.240 do that, or you can do the other more civil thing, 128 00:07:00.040 --> 00:07:04.560 which is allow somebody to express themselves and simply nod 129 00:07:04.600 --> 00:07:07.680 and smile or say thank you for sharing that, and 130 00:07:07.720 --> 00:07:10.079 then you can add your side. You don't have to 131 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:13.319 suck it up and say nothing. But then once that's done, 132 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:18.959 everybody said they're piece. Just shut up. Okay, just don't 133 00:07:19.079 --> 00:07:21.319 heart because if you're trying to, it's a little too 134 00:07:21.399 --> 00:07:24.199 late to try to convince somebody because their vote's already gone. 135 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:28.519 And if you start hammering them but but the issues 136 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:30.480 are and you're not it, then it becomes a fight, 137 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:33.680 and then you're being a bully at your Thanksgiving table. 138 00:07:34.439 --> 00:07:36.519 So I'm going to ask you to either keep politics 139 00:07:36.680 --> 00:07:41.079 off the table or simply allow everybody to state their 140 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:46.040 thing once you state yours, and then say pass the potatoes. Right, 141 00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:49.759 that's how you're supposed to do it. We're supposed to 142 00:07:49.800 --> 00:07:54.040 love each other as family and friends who come together 143 00:07:54.120 --> 00:07:59.519 to break bread in gratitude for our relatively wonderful lives. 144 00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:03.079 It's easy to look around the globe and find people 145 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:04.040 not doing so well. 146 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:04.439 Right. 147 00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:07.759 Another movie we watched this week. Have you ever heard 148 00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:11.680 Kayla called The Blitz? No? Okay, so you know the 149 00:08:11.720 --> 00:08:14.000 guy who did Twelve Years a Slave, He was a 150 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:17.839 writer director. Did you just see that movie? No? I cried, Yeah, 151 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:20.480 I don't watch movies like that. It was really distressing. Yeah, okay, 152 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:22.720 Well he did another one and it was it's called 153 00:08:22.759 --> 00:08:24.639 The Blitz, and it's about the Blitz of London. Blitz 154 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:27.079 when they were bombing the Germans were bombing London and 155 00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:28.839 they send a little you know, they send all their 156 00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:31.000 kids away on trains to the countryside to be taken 157 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:35.519 care of. And this one sweet little boy he jumps 158 00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:37.240 off the train and tries to go back to London 159 00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:39.639 to find his mother and all the bad people's hands 160 00:08:39.720 --> 00:08:42.240 he ends up in and some good people and what 161 00:08:42.360 --> 00:08:44.360 he learns about race and racism because he happens to 162 00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:45.919 be bi racial. It's based on a true story. They 163 00:08:45.960 --> 00:08:47.120 have a picture of the real boy. 164 00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:47.799 Yeah. 165 00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:51.679 I won't tell you the ending, but honestly, I jumped 166 00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:53.519 off the couch and screamed a number of times. It's 167 00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:56.240 streaming somewhere I don't remember where. It was apple or whatever, 168 00:08:56.279 --> 00:08:58.879 but I jumped off, so you should see the blitz. Anyway, 169 00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:03.039 you look at lives like that. You look at times 170 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:07.480 in history, you look at families separated, and then look 171 00:09:07.480 --> 00:09:10.399 at your life here in La You're complaining about the 172 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:14.720 cost of your latte and what the freeway traffic is like. No, 173 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:16.879 I don't mean to dismiss those who have real problems. 174 00:09:16.960 --> 00:09:20.279 I'm just saying we can all find something to be 175 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:24.039 grateful for, all right. The other thing that happens around 176 00:09:24.039 --> 00:09:26.840 this time of year for many many people is they're 177 00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:30.200 about to enter a holiday season where they have to 178 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:34.440 deal with their X because they have kids. Together, let's 179 00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:37.759 talk about ways to survive the holidays with your ex. 180 00:09:38.080 --> 00:09:40.320 When we come back. You are listening to the Doctor 181 00:09:40.360 --> 00:09:44.120 Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere 182 00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:45.639 on the iHeartRadio app. 183 00:09:46.840 --> 00:09:51.039 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 184 00:09:51.240 --> 00:09:52.200 AM six forty. 185 00:09:53.600 --> 00:09:56.840 KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 186 00:09:56.879 --> 00:10:00.279 This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. So you know 187 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:04.679 it's the season. The season for KFI Pastathon is happening. 188 00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:08.200 You know, you guys say postathon. But I lived in 189 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:11.120 Italy once upon a time, and every time I ordered pasta, 190 00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:14.440 they said, you mean pasta. That's how they say it 191 00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:18.559 in Italy. Well, the fourteenth annual KFI Pastathon is here. 192 00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:22.240 Chef Bruno's charity, Katerina's Club, provides more than twenty five 193 00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:25.200 thousand meals every week to kids in need in Southern California, 194 00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:28.080 and it all happens because of your generosity. Now you 195 00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:30.240 got three ways you can help. You can just go 196 00:10:30.360 --> 00:10:34.159 right now to KFI AM six forty dot com slash 197 00:10:34.200 --> 00:10:37.759 Pastathon and donate money. Or you can shop at any 198 00:10:37.799 --> 00:10:40.279 Smart and Final store and donate any amount of checkout. 199 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:44.320 Or go to any Wendy's restaurant. I don't own them, Okay, 200 00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:45.960 when I was in high school, you know what the 201 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:48.960 picture the saying they put underneath my high school picture, 202 00:10:49.159 --> 00:10:52.759 what Wendy's Hot and juicy, because that's what the ads said. 203 00:10:53.200 --> 00:10:55.960 I do not on the rest Anyway, you can head 204 00:10:55.960 --> 00:10:58.720 into any Wendy's restaurant in Southern California and donate five 205 00:10:58.759 --> 00:11:02.360 dollars or more and get a cupon book for Wendy's goodies. 206 00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:05.679 And remember we do an all day KFI Live broadcast 207 00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:09.080 from the Anaheim White House restaurant. That's going to be 208 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:11.840 on Giving Tuesday, that's December third, So come on out 209 00:11:11.879 --> 00:11:14.279 and see us from five am to ten pm. You 210 00:11:14.320 --> 00:11:17.279 can donate on site. You can bring pasta and sauce, 211 00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:19.840 drop it off and as always, one hundred percent of 212 00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:23.639 your donation goes to Katerina's Club. We love our chef Bruno. 213 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:28.039 He's a great guy, alrighty, But your ex may not 214 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:30.840 be a great guy or a great gal. Let's talk 215 00:11:30.840 --> 00:11:34.320 about surviving the holidays with your ex. Now. I want 216 00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:37.279 to be clear about one thing. There's only one reason 217 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:41.480 to be anywhere near your ex for the holidays, and 218 00:11:41.559 --> 00:11:47.240 that is your young children's happiness. Did you notice how 219 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:52.399 I qualified that your young children's happiness. Many couples, after 220 00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:56.440 they separate or divorce, choose to come back together for holidays, birthdays, 221 00:11:56.720 --> 00:12:02.399 religious holidays, et cetera, for their young children's happiness. By 222 00:12:02.440 --> 00:12:06.320 the time kids hit about teenage life, you can split 223 00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:09.639 them up. It's okay, you don't have to. So Rule 224 00:12:09.720 --> 00:12:12.879 number one. These are doctor Wendy's. I made up these rules. 225 00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:15.679 They mean nothing rules here. They are doctor Wendy's. Rule 226 00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:20.320 Number one. Co parenting doesn't mean that you have to 227 00:12:20.360 --> 00:12:24.600 be together for all the holiday events. Who thought that up? 228 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:27.159 Are you going to be this fake family from time 229 00:12:27.200 --> 00:12:30.559 to time? Now? What you should consider, of course, is 230 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:32.960 the age of the children. If they are under the 231 00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:36.200 age of twelve, you might consider doing some family things together. 232 00:12:36.440 --> 00:12:39.039 When my girls were little, so we split up when 233 00:12:40.080 --> 00:12:44.159 my kids were two and seven, and Daddy used to 234 00:12:44.200 --> 00:12:47.559 come on Christmas morning sometimes, but he would only stay 235 00:12:47.679 --> 00:12:50.720 like an hour, bring a couple gifts. He would show 236 00:12:50.840 --> 00:12:53.759 up with a black trash bag with presents and say, 237 00:12:53.799 --> 00:12:56.600 I'm bad, Zenna. I'm bad, Senna. I didn't get that. 238 00:12:56.679 --> 00:13:02.480 But anyway, also can sit extended family members. Let's say 239 00:13:02.519 --> 00:13:06.519 you have had a fairly long relationship and let's say 240 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:10.279 your mother in law is aging and you love her, 241 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:12.799 and she's still ex mother in law whatever, you didn't 242 00:13:12.840 --> 00:13:15.519 divorce her, right. There might be other reasons that there 243 00:13:15.519 --> 00:13:18.440 are other family members that you care about that you 244 00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:21.879 want to show appreciation for. You know, I commend my 245 00:13:22.440 --> 00:13:26.840 brother my brother every Christmas. In kid's birthdays, there would 246 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:30.440 be the kid's grandparents. Now, the kid's grandparents were the 247 00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:33.919 parents of his ex wife, but they were still always 248 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:37.600 welcome at any kid's event. And I will say, near 249 00:13:37.639 --> 00:13:39.399 the end of their lives, when they weren't doing so well, 250 00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:43.080 who was there taking care of them? My brother? I'm ranting, 251 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:46.080 but no, the daughter lived further away, he was closer, 252 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:49.240 So there you go. It worked also things to consider 253 00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:52.399 the cost of airfare and hotels. Look, if it's completely 254 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:55.399 impractical for you to fly the kids halfway across the 255 00:13:55.399 --> 00:13:56.879 country or all the way across the country, just so 256 00:13:56.960 --> 00:14:00.559 you can do this united, you know what, take a breather, alternate, 257 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:04.879 do it different years. Kids will understand whatever you explain 258 00:14:04.919 --> 00:14:07.919 to them, right, So remember that rule number one. Co 259 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:10.320 parenting doesn't mean you have to all be together at 260 00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:15.639 all these holiday events. Rule number two, Please consider the 261 00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:21.120 feelings of your current partner. You love your husband, your wife, 262 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:24.320 your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whoever's on the scene now. So 263 00:14:25.399 --> 00:14:28.320 talking to them about how they feel about this is 264 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:32.120 important because they are your future and they have an 265 00:14:32.120 --> 00:14:35.720 opinion in all of this. Right, we had a discussion 266 00:14:35.720 --> 00:14:37.600 we were trying to figure out and we've got older 267 00:14:37.639 --> 00:14:40.399 kids so it doesn't really matter that much, but we 268 00:14:40.399 --> 00:14:42.879 were kind of thinking, well, maybe he could spend Christmas 269 00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:44.600 with his kids and I would spend Christmas with my kids, 270 00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:47.279 and I'm like, no, dude, we're a married couple. Now 271 00:14:47.559 --> 00:14:50.000 we're gonna have Christmas wherever. We're gonna have Christmas. If 272 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:52.799 any of those adults want to show up, they're not kids. 273 00:14:52.919 --> 00:14:54.759 Any of those adults want to show up, We'll tell 274 00:14:54.759 --> 00:14:57.240 them where Christmas is right and they can show up 275 00:14:57.240 --> 00:15:00.919 for it. So consider the feelings of your current partner. 276 00:15:00.919 --> 00:15:04.480 In this case, it was me, all right. Rule number three, 277 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:10.679 The word holidays is plural. Okay, get this through your noggin. 278 00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:13.919 There are many days to celebrate. There's Thanksgiving, there's the 279 00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:17.240 day after Thanksgiving. There's Hankah. There's eight days of Hanukah. 280 00:15:17.480 --> 00:15:21.000 There's Christmas Eve, there's Christmas Day, there's Boxing Day. There's 281 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:23.080 New Year's Eve, there's New Year's Day. There are so 282 00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:26.240 many there's quantza. I don't know. There's so many holidays 283 00:15:26.600 --> 00:15:29.879 around the holidays. That's why we call them the holidays. 284 00:15:30.759 --> 00:15:33.279 The producer, Kayla, did you notice this giant tree in 285 00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:35.960 our Yeah, it's already here. 286 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:36.679 Yeah it is. 287 00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:39.679 OK. So many days. It could be November and there's 288 00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:43.960 Christmas right here in the right job. See many many days. 289 00:15:44.480 --> 00:15:47.559 So that means there are many meals on those many days. 290 00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:51.679 Is it okay to have Christmas breakfast with one Christmas 291 00:15:51.720 --> 00:15:57.279 dinner with another? Sure, but make a plan. Start talking 292 00:15:57.320 --> 00:16:01.840 about the schedule early. You might late already this year, 293 00:16:02.279 --> 00:16:04.879 so why don't you start talking about next year? Now? 294 00:16:05.399 --> 00:16:07.519 This is the time to sort it all out. Do 295 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:09.720 you think I'm crazy, Kayla? I think no. I don't 296 00:16:09.720 --> 00:16:11.759 want it's wrong, which is making a plan. I think 297 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:13.720 that that makes a lot of sense. But people are 298 00:16:13.720 --> 00:16:17.000 afraid to set boundaries. I think with their exes, you know, 299 00:16:17.039 --> 00:16:19.759 because they think, oh, you know, they leave the guilt 300 00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:22.200 about the kids. And then a lot of times sometimes 301 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:25.399 you're not dealing with somebody rational. It's hard to rationalize 302 00:16:25.399 --> 00:16:27.799 with irrational people. There's a reason why you're not together. 303 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:31.759 There you go, you know that, right? Yeah, yeah, you know. 304 00:16:32.039 --> 00:16:37.840 I want everyone to have happy, wonderful holidays together, whether 305 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:40.320 it's together or with their ex or with the kids. 306 00:16:40.600 --> 00:16:42.720 And let me tell you, if the kids are trying 307 00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:46.120 to guilt you out, and they're young adults, just turn 308 00:16:46.120 --> 00:16:49.360 your back, close your ears. It doesn't matter, okay, because 309 00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:51.799 it's true. They all become twelve years old. Remember Chris 310 00:16:51.799 --> 00:16:54.399 Merrill was saying that they have all their exes and steps. 311 00:16:54.799 --> 00:16:59.360 Speaking of young adults, even younger than adults, teenagers, Oh 312 00:16:59.399 --> 00:17:01.840 my god, can we talk about teen love? It is 313 00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:04.519 more than puppy love. When we come back, you are 314 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:07.640 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM 315 00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:10.759 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 316 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:15.480 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 317 00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:16.640 AM six forty. 318 00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:20.000 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show KFI AM 319 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:24.279 six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, 320 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:29.440 I was reading this article recently about teenage love. We 321 00:17:29.599 --> 00:17:32.519 like to think of teenage love as puppy love, like 322 00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:37.279 somehow it doesn't matter. But let me tell you my 323 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:40.960 first love that began in high school, ended by the 324 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:44.119 end of high school, still stays in my heart forever. 325 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:47.319 You hear that, Carl, Do you hear that, Carl? Always? 326 00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:52.160 It stays with us. I wonder, because you know, is 327 00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:55.079 it that it's the first time our brain gets all 328 00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:59.799 those neurohormones of love, but it really does stay with us. 329 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:03.680 You know, recently I watched a movie that was kind 330 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:06.720 of about a first love and the pain that can 331 00:18:06.759 --> 00:18:08.799 come with it. I don't know if you saw this movie. 332 00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:11.200 It's called My Old Ass. Yeah, I can say it 333 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:13.000 because that's the name of the movie. My Old Ass 334 00:18:13.079 --> 00:18:16.880 came out this past summer. It actually premiered at the 335 00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:21.359 Sundance Film Festival in January, and the movie starts off 336 00:18:21.880 --> 00:18:25.240 when an eighteen year old girl, just before she's leaving 337 00:18:25.279 --> 00:18:27.440 high school heading to go to college, gets with a 338 00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:31.319 group of girlfriends and tries magic mushrooms for the first time, 339 00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:35.759 and then she hallucinates and she meets a version of 340 00:18:35.799 --> 00:18:40.240 herself who's thirty nine years old played by Aubrey Plaza 341 00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:43.640 that's not going to be happier at forty you are 342 00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:46.920 happy and I'm not forty people, you don't look happy. 343 00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:50.039 I feel like you're having a midlife crisis. Well, I 344 00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:53.839 feel like you're high on mushroom. Okay. So throughout the movie, 345 00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:57.880 Plaza comes back as this thirty nine year old older 346 00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:01.119 person and the young girls trying to find out about 347 00:19:01.119 --> 00:19:04.079 her future, of course, but the one thing she tells 348 00:19:04.119 --> 00:19:10.359 her is do not date anyone named Chad. Stay away 349 00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:11.160 from Chad. 350 00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:12.000 Well. 351 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:17.319 Of course, within days, she meets Chad and Chad becomes 352 00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:18.759 her teenage love. 353 00:19:19.319 --> 00:19:19.480 Now. 354 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:21.680 I am not going to give away the ending to 355 00:19:21.799 --> 00:19:26.799 my old ass, but I will tell you that Aubrey Plaza, 356 00:19:26.839 --> 00:19:29.640 who plays the thirty nine year old version of this girl, 357 00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:34.240 the Young Girls played by Maizie Stella, Aubrey Plaza had 358 00:19:34.279 --> 00:19:37.039 some history with that dude, and there's a reason why 359 00:19:37.079 --> 00:19:40.640 she said don't date him. But it's not the reason 360 00:19:40.680 --> 00:19:44.680 you're thinking. And I'm not giving away the ending. Listen. 361 00:19:45.319 --> 00:19:48.880 What I'm trying to say is first love's matter. One 362 00:19:48.960 --> 00:19:55.359 study asked adults aged twenty through ninety four to recall 363 00:19:55.480 --> 00:20:01.000 when in life they had felt the strongest feelings of 364 00:20:01.079 --> 00:20:05.000 love or strongest emotions now. If the people doing the 365 00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:07.359 study were in their twenties, they said that it was 366 00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:10.119 right now. They were most in love right now. But 367 00:20:10.319 --> 00:20:13.920 for every other age group, they said the peak of 368 00:20:13.960 --> 00:20:20.279 their emotions was age fifteen Teenaged relationships are often the 369 00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:26.000 most emotionally intense relationships of our lives. It's really important 370 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:31.119 to understand the gravity of these relationships. You see, adolescence 371 00:20:31.519 --> 00:20:36.319 is a critical period of identity formation. I teach developmental psychology, 372 00:20:36.359 --> 00:20:38.799 and I love this section of the teaching where we're 373 00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:41.720 trying to figure out who we are separate from our 374 00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:46.960 family of origin, and the famous developmental psychologist Eric Erickson 375 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:52.839 basically said that teenage life is an attempt to arrive 376 00:20:52.960 --> 00:20:56.960 at the definition of our own identity by projecting our 377 00:20:57.079 --> 00:21:00.759 self image on another and seeing it refines selected back 378 00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:05.240 to us and eventually clarified. So that's all well and good. 379 00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:11.720 If your first teenage love is something that is bittersweet 380 00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:14.519 because it always ends, I'm not always some of you 381 00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:16.799 have been married to your teenage love great, but for 382 00:21:16.839 --> 00:21:20.640 the most part it ends bittersweet, but something that helps 383 00:21:20.680 --> 00:21:25.440 you form an intimate bond with somebody. Now, I should 384 00:21:25.440 --> 00:21:29.599 also say teenage love is also the first viable evidence 385 00:21:29.720 --> 00:21:32.599 of attachment insecurity. I talk about attachment a lot, right, 386 00:21:32.680 --> 00:21:37.000 So our early life experiences, often below the age of three, 387 00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:39.759 often when we're nonverbal, often when we can't store it 388 00:21:39.799 --> 00:21:43.319 as memories, become feelings in our bones, and we form 389 00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:45.920 a kind of model for love. We have this idea 390 00:21:46.039 --> 00:21:50.559 like love is should feel this way, And if those 391 00:21:50.599 --> 00:21:54.799 first three years were filled with care and attention and 392 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:58.440 loving times, then we're going to go out and choose 393 00:21:58.480 --> 00:22:02.000 partners like that. But if it was harm, if it 394 00:22:02.039 --> 00:22:05.559 was neglect, then we're going to choose those kinds of partners. 395 00:22:05.559 --> 00:22:09.799 And people think, oh, it was that teenaged relationship that 396 00:22:09.960 --> 00:22:12.160 screwed them up for the rest of their love life. No, 397 00:22:12.680 --> 00:22:16.920 it was actually the parent child relationship earlier, right. And 398 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:20.920 we are starting to see nowadays, because teens have a 399 00:22:20.920 --> 00:22:24.680 hard time managing their feelings, that teen dating violence is 400 00:22:24.759 --> 00:22:28.720 actually on the rise because teens have so much trouble 401 00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:34.160