WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.120 The first time I ran alone on a Saturday morning 2 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:08.160 felt wrong, in the way a favorite song sounds strange 3 00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:11.240 when played in a different key. The air was cold, translucent, 4 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:13.800 and impossibly still for Dallas in late spring, almost enough 5 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:16.239 to convince me nothing was a butt to change. I 6 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:18.160 reached from my running shoes at the foot of the bed, 7 00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:21.280 careful not to wake Jason. He tossed and turned all night. 8 00:00:21.359 --> 00:00:23.359 She trapped around his legs like he was fighting something 9 00:00:23.359 --> 00:00:25.920 in a dream. But when I tiptoed into the kitchen, 10 00:00:26.039 --> 00:00:28.640 juggling headphones and half a banana, he was already there, 11 00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:32.039 not spoiled sleepily over the sports section, not making weed 12 00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:34.759 porteine smoothies, but dressed in off his casual call out shirt, 13 00:00:34.799 --> 00:00:38.039 gray slack's belt, not at all, but close enough to 14 00:00:38.039 --> 00:00:40.200 look and finish like he wasn't sure who he wanted 15 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:42.520 to be to day. He fiddled with the French press 16 00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:44.399 and must have heard me behind him, because he turned 17 00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:47.159 quickly cooffe spashi a little on to the counter, barely 18 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:48.920 meeting my eyes before bending to wipe it up with 19 00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:52.880 a napkin. You okay, I asked, aiming for light, playful, 20 00:00:52.960 --> 00:00:54.399 pushing the edge of his mooth, like a toe in 21 00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:58.719 cold water. He smiled at tight, lopsided thing. Sorry, babe, 22 00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:00.920 got ahead, and my in books is melting down already. 23 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:04.000 Henderson's on a rampage. He flashed his phone screen at 24 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:05.959 me by way of evidence, but the display only showed 25 00:01:05.959 --> 00:01:09.079 his lock screen. The running group will survived one Saturday. 26 00:01:09.079 --> 00:01:11.480 Promise him still a dream husband, He joked the words 27 00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:14.959 oddly flat, half swallowed. I tried not to make a face, 28 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:17.040 but the disappointment was heavier than I wanted to admit. 29 00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:21.159 Big deadline. I pulled my hair into ponatail, watching him 30 00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:23.840 over my shoulder like I might catch him in a liye. 31 00:01:23.879 --> 00:01:26.000 For a second, I remembered all the times he dragged 32 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:27.680 himself out on a few hours sleep to make our 33 00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:31.120 six mile loop. It was sacred. We always set our time, 34 00:01:31.239 --> 00:01:32.760 even when the rest of life pulled us in a 35 00:01:32.760 --> 00:01:36.480 dozen directions. The squartered every day. He ran a hand 36 00:01:36.480 --> 00:01:39.000 for his hair. I still fixed somewhere near my ankles. 37 00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:41.159 I'll make it up to you next week, o K. 38 00:01:41.959 --> 00:01:45.719 I nodded, lacing my shoes tight. Sure, I said, making 39 00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:47.879 it sound easy, like we were both grown ups with 40 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:50.519 important things to do. But the way he kept checking 41 00:01:50.519 --> 00:01:53.120 the clock. How his voice sounded practiced, etched something cold 42 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:56.120 into my gut. I told myself not to be needy 43 00:01:56.200 --> 00:01:59.959 or dramatic. Everyone has crunched times. I grabbed my key 44 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.000 ease and kissed his cheek, the skin stiff with his 45 00:02:02.040 --> 00:02:05.760 morning shave. He didn't really kiss back. On the elevator 46 00:02:05.840 --> 00:02:08.479 ride down, I listened to my breathing, forced loud in 47 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:12.280 the metal box. Alone on the sidewalk. The city felt unfamiliar, 48 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:14.360 each shop front and traffic light and stray jack hammis 49 00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:17.879 somehow altered. It wasn't just Jason missing the run. I 50 00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:20.879 replayed his words, the way his hands tremble the lock screen. 51 00:02:20.919 --> 00:02:24.000 He hadn't unlocked. He'd been present, attentive, the sort of 52 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:27.120 present that feels performative rather than real. Had it always 53 00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:29.479 felt like this when we were busy. I was half 54 00:02:29.479 --> 00:02:31.599 way to the park before I realized this wasn't just 55 00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:34.120 the loss of a ritual. It was the sudden knowledge 56 00:02:34.120 --> 00:02:36.280 that he had chosen to be somewhere else and wanted 57 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:38.800 me not to ask why. The running group gathered on 58 00:02:38.840 --> 00:02:41.919 the steps near the fountains, all easy shouts and shoulder bumps, 59 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:46.000 joking about splits and hangovers. Claire waved me over, adjusting 60 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:49.319 her neon visor like a crown. She grinned, hugged me tightly, 61 00:02:49.360 --> 00:02:51.960 and for a minute everything went back to normal. No 62 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:55.280 one asked about Jason. Why should they? Sometimes people were 63 00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:58.520 busy Lyddya said she was hung over. Thomas made fun 64 00:02:58.520 --> 00:03:01.759 of my playlist, Jeremy bragged his new record pace. But 65 00:03:01.840 --> 00:03:03.599 as we set off in Pears, I couldn't shake the 66 00:03:03.599 --> 00:03:06.520 hollow spot next to me. Jason's shadow ran beside me 67 00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:08.680 in memory, the way he always teases my stride, the 68 00:03:08.680 --> 00:03:10.560 look we'd exchange when we hit the third mile, as 69 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:13.360 secret language of sweat and effort. Miles passed under my 70 00:03:13.360 --> 00:03:16.479 feet each block, feeling less certain? Was I being ridiculous? 71 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.360 Jason had always supported my job, my ambition. He cheered 72 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:22.520 through my interviews, made coffee at midnight, told me to 73 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:25.159 fight for raises. Maybe it was just his turn to 74 00:03:25.199 --> 00:03:28.199 obsess about work, and I was what jealous of a client, 75 00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:31.280 freaked out by something as temporary as a miss Saturday. 76 00:03:31.960 --> 00:03:34.360 But the thought didn't sit right. It was as if 77 00:03:34.360 --> 00:03:36.719 our shared foundation had developed a hailine crack, and I 78 00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:38.879 could hear the faint persist and echo every time we 79 00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:41.719 tried to stand on it. When I got home, our 80 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:45.159 condo was already empty. Jason's travel mug was washed and 81 00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:47.120 upside down in the rack, a tight coil of his 82 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:49.080 type beside the sink, like a marker of his hurry. 83 00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:51.879 There was a faint smell of his cologne, something spicier 84 00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:55.039 than usual. For a moment, I imagine walking right into 85 00:03:55.080 --> 00:03:58.000 his office, seeing him hunched over emails, scowling at Henderson's 86 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:01.360 demands instead, and half an hour in the shower, letting 87 00:04:01.360 --> 00:04:03.400 the water pound the doubt into the tile, repeating the 88 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:06.120 story he'd given me until I almost believed it. The 89 00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:09.120 next morning, we sat at breakfast, everything laid up between us, 90 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:12.879 crossus scrambled eggs with goat cheese, the Sunday Crossword, two mugs, steaming, 91 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:15.000 as if this were a perfect tableau of merry life. 92 00:04:15.400 --> 00:04:18.480 But Jason kept glancing at his phone, his thumb tapping compulsively. 93 00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:20.839 When I tried to jerk about how I run better, 94 00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:22.600 but only because I hadn't had to keep up with 95 00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:25.560 his long legs, he barely smiled. Did you finish writing 96 00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:30.040 that story? I asked, trying to slip into normal, almost editors, 97 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:33.839 He trailed off, staring at the wall behind me. Sorry, 98 00:04:33.959 --> 00:04:37.720 what were you saying? Nothing? I forced myself to reach 99 00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:40.839 for the crossword circling clues without reading them. I told 100 00:04:40.839 --> 00:04:43.639 myself it was fine. He dined the client, get through 101 00:04:43.639 --> 00:04:46.399 the quarter, and running would be yours again. We were 102 00:04:46.439 --> 00:04:50.279 always ok. Once, during our third month dating, we stayed 103 00:04:50.319 --> 00:04:52.560 up until four a and on the patio of Atoco Bar, 104 00:04:52.800 --> 00:04:54.920 arguing about start of equity splits in the best place 105 00:04:54.920 --> 00:04:57.680 for late night fried chicken. That night, I'd felt seen 106 00:04:57.720 --> 00:05:00.680 and chosen Jason's attention, a gleam, his hand covering mine, 107 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:02.720 the sense that we belonged to the same strange dribe. 108 00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:06.000 Four years Mary, we'd kept pieces of the wildness and 109 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:08.720 inside joke about IPO's the ability to finish each other's 110 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:11.839 drinks at restaurants, late dinner, spent to courding office politics. 111 00:05:12.439 --> 00:05:15.879 We'd work for both of us, jobs that nearly broke us. 112 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:18.079 An apartment so tiny you couldn't open the fridge and 113 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:20.480 oven at the same time. Now two years in the 114 00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:22.839 uptun condo, a little more money, the freedom to order 115 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:25.639 take out whenever we wanted, vacations, we could actually afford 116 00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:28.000 dinners with friends at fancy places where the wine was 117 00:05:28.040 --> 00:05:30.879 twice what I DA was spend in grad school. Saturday's 118 00:05:30.879 --> 00:05:33.079 were our anchor, so strong they held us through Leaff's 119 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:36.639 hangovers and the dull ake of grown up routine. Our friends, too, 120 00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:40.040 had become fixtures. Clare, always ready with an intervention level brunch, 121 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:43.120 Thomas powered by sarkism and whiskey, Jeremy and Lydia, who 122 00:05:43.160 --> 00:05:45.480 broke up and got back together every six months, still 123 00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:49.240 showing up for every run. I trusted Jason, maybe because 124 00:05:49.279 --> 00:05:51.240 he was so charming it was easy to believe nothing 125 00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.120 bad could touch us. Or maybe because when he was 126 00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:57.160 with me he could be dazzlingly present, goofy, warm, ambitious, 127 00:05:57.199 --> 00:06:00.399 sometimes refusing to talk about real feelings, but always letting 128 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:02.480 me know in his way that he was proud of me. 129 00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:06.000 He'd shown up for every job offer, every promotion, sending 130 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:08.920 flowers or dumb jokes by text. Even the way he 131 00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:11.959 compartmentalized the elusive sealed off when he talked about work. 132 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:15.160 Stress felt familiar by now something we managed. I had 133 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:18.360 learned to give him space, but sometimes when our group 134 00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:21.480 made plans or when we attended industry mixers, I could 135 00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:23.879 feel him growing silent. Standing right in the center of 136 00:06:23.920 --> 00:06:26.800 the crowd, but unreachable. I chalked it up to introvert 137 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:30.560 fatigue or ambissioned toning inward. All this, I reminded myself. 138 00:06:30.600 --> 00:06:34.000 As a week started. Dinner still happened late Rush him 139 00:06:34.040 --> 00:06:35.879 eating over slack and me with an eye on my 140 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:39.360 own work. We swapped wire stories about clients, traded stories 141 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:42.519 from our friends lives, fell asleep watching comedians on YouTube. 142 00:06:43.079 --> 00:06:45.480 Most nights things felt the same, which made the moments 143 00:06:45.519 --> 00:06:48.800 of distance stand out even more. After my solo run, 144 00:06:48.920 --> 00:06:51.240 no more was said about it. I joined him for 145 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:54.000 a delivery dinner from our favorite Vietnamese place, toasted him 146 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:56.120 with a bottle of wine, and tried to make him laugh. 147 00:06:56.680 --> 00:06:59.160 He responded a little forced, but looked like he wanted 148 00:06:59.160 --> 00:07:01.399 to be grateful. When a mule was over and the 149 00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:03.480 plates were cleared, he suggested we catch up on that 150 00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:06.439 weird French drama we've been half watching for a while. 151 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:09.240 His hand stayed on my leg, thum rubing lazy circles. 152 00:07:09.639 --> 00:07:12.560 The explanation for Saturday's absence seemed to fade, replaced by 153 00:07:12.560 --> 00:07:15.040 our usual rhythm, or it would have if I hadn't 154 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:17.160 caught him late that night, hunched in the balcony, foam 155 00:07:17.160 --> 00:07:19.560 pressed tight to his face, murmuring something I couldn't hear. 156 00:07:20.319 --> 00:07:22.480 When I asked who he was talking to, he shrugged, 157 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:27.240 pulling me close. Just Henderson, Sorry, boring stuff. I wanted 158 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:29.639 to believe him. Lunch with Claire and Thomas the next 159 00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:32.839 weekend started like every other Foremoses in Claire holding caught 160 00:07:32.839 --> 00:07:35.720 about office politics, and Thomas quietly critiquing the brunch menu. 161 00:07:36.360 --> 00:07:38.800 As I reached for another slice of avocado toast, Thomas 162 00:07:38.800 --> 00:07:41.720 crined across the table at me. Hey, Sophia, he missed 163 00:07:41.759 --> 00:07:44.639 out last week. And karaoke after Pardu was legendary. Claire's 164 00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:46.480 version of shallow could have blown out the city grit. 165 00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:50.000 Claire burst out laughing, only because Jason started it with 166 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:52.560 that eighty's movie song, What was it? Danger's Own? He's 167 00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:56.439 got hidden pipes? My fork paused over my plate. Wakey 168 00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:59.439 guys went out after the run. Tomas shrugged, popping a 169 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:02.680 grape to made into his mouth. Yeah, the whole group. 170 00:08:02.800 --> 00:08:05.279 Lydia's friend dragged us to that piano bar on Oak Lawn. 171 00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:08.720 Claire shot me a sheepish look. Didn't he tell you? 172 00:08:08.839 --> 00:08:11.600 It was kind and spontaneous. Suppose we thought he'd headed home. 173 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:14.560 I blinked, repling what had been told? Jason buried at work, 174 00:08:14.600 --> 00:08:17.519 come before none? He said he was working late. Must 175 00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:21.920 have left really late. Claire wrinkled her nose. He was 176 00:08:21.959 --> 00:08:23.920 at the bar for hours. Came up with this elaborate 177 00:08:23.959 --> 00:08:26.120 story about forgetting his own lyrics. He never heard his 178 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:30.120 airplane joke. I shook my head. Nope, first, I'm hearing 179 00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:33.440 of it. Jeremy, joining late and breathless, dropped his keys 180 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:36.159 on to the table, waving at the waiter. Hey, did 181 00:08:36.200 --> 00:08:38.919 anyone see the new faces at Cayoke? Jason's colleagues are 182 00:08:38.919 --> 00:08:41.399 while who was that old girl? Lastly? Right? She's hilarious. 183 00:08:41.399 --> 00:08:43.360 I swear half the group wants to move jobs just 184 00:08:43.399 --> 00:08:45.679 to hang with them. The name Ashley was a faint 185 00:08:45.720 --> 00:08:49.440 bell in the dark. Jason had never mentioned her. So wait, 186 00:08:49.480 --> 00:08:53.559 who all was there? I asked, aiming for casual. Jeremy frowned, 187 00:08:53.600 --> 00:08:56.879 is off counting Jason obviously at me Lydia Thomas. The 188 00:08:56.879 --> 00:08:58.919 Ashley bought a couple of her teine, some blonde Megan. 189 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:01.360 I think, who scold us? Name that tune? Plus Claire, 190 00:09:01.399 --> 00:09:04.559 who broke the sound barrier. Claire laughed, stealing a sip 191 00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:07.559 of my mimosa. Let's not relive my broken note o K. 192 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:10.519 I fumbled from my phone under the table, flicking through 193 00:09:10.519 --> 00:09:13.600 my dicks from the previous Saturday, Jason had messaged a 194 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:15.559 photo of his laptop and a pile of documents at 195 00:09:15.600 --> 00:09:17.840 seven forty five. Jerked he was chained to the disc. 196 00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:21.720 Nothing after eight thirty p m. No mention of karaoke, 197 00:09:22.039 --> 00:09:24.200 no wish you were here, not even a drunk emoji. 198 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:27.440 Something about it all made my skin prickle. Why not 199 00:09:27.559 --> 00:09:30.480 tell me it was such a small, harmless omission unless 200 00:09:30.519 --> 00:09:33.840 it wasn't. Claire noticed my preoccupation, putting a hand on 201 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:37.240 my arm. You good, we missed you. I tasted on 202 00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:40.720 a smile, refusing to betray that small, childish wound. Fine, 203 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:43.480 just thinking about this client who keeps moving deadlines. Sorry 204 00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:46.039 inside my head to day. The rest of brunch passed 205 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:49.120 in a blur. I dawdled over coffee, pretending to laugh 206 00:09:49.159 --> 00:09:51.360 with everyone, all the while turning over the information in 207 00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:53.320 my mind like a puzzle piece that just wouldn't fit. 208 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:57.279 Back at the condo, Jason was already out. His absence 209 00:09:57.320 --> 00:09:58.960 meant I could move about in peace, but the f 210 00:09:58.960 --> 00:10:02.399 felt charged electric by something I couldn't name. I tried 211 00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:04.639 on half a dozen explanations, all of which made me 212 00:10:04.679 --> 00:10:08.159 feel small. Did I want an apology for not mentioning karaoke? 213 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:11.559 Was I being jealous of a night out? But then 214 00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:13.679 why had it at all? Unless he wanted to keep 215 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:16.440 it supper. I considered of raising it when he came home, 216 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:18.399 but I couldn't find the words that made me sound 217 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:21.840 rational and not clingy. Maybe he'd just forgotten or thought 218 00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:24.879 it wasn't worth texting about. Maybe he wanted to protect 219 00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:27.559 me from feeling left out. I hated how quickly old 220 00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:29.639 and security surfaced. There was always a tiny part of 221 00:10:29.679 --> 00:10:32.039 me terrified of being excluded. The girl with her nose 222 00:10:32.039 --> 00:10:34.480 press to the glass for the first time in a 223 00:10:34.519 --> 00:10:36.840 long while. I checked our group chat history, were reading 224 00:10:36.879 --> 00:10:40.039 messages for any hint of that after party, nothing specifically 225 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:43.720 mentioning karaoke, no pictures. It struck me as odd, but 226 00:10:43.799 --> 00:10:45.799 I managed to put the phone down, telling myself not 227 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:48.679 to spiral. The week that followed broad a steady flicker 228 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:51.080 of clues, small enough to question, but persistent enough to 229 00:10:51.080 --> 00:10:54.200 elude my calm. Jason announced the last minute work dinner 230 00:10:54.200 --> 00:10:57.080 one night, leaving after dark, seat jacket thrown over his shoulder. 231 00:10:57.720 --> 00:10:59.440 An hour after, he left a court as scent a 232 00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:02.120 different globe sharper, not the same one he left in 233 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:05.279 our bathram. When he returned, he offered me a perfunctory 234 00:11:05.320 --> 00:11:07.240 peck on the forehead and ducked into the shower, close 235 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:10.360 bundle tightly under his arm. Two nights later, as I 236 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:13.039 sat on the couch shorting invases, Jason wandered in foam, 237 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:15.559 pressed his ear, laughing at something I couldn't quite hear. 238 00:11:16.159 --> 00:11:18.360 A voicemel played on speaker for a moment, a woman's 239 00:11:18.440 --> 00:11:21.159 voice peeling out, oh your trouble. Can't believe you got 240 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:24.000 away with that. Before he fumbled and silenced it. He 241 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:27.600 looked up and hugged Henderson's annalyst, his unhinged trying to 242 00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:30.440 wrope me into a prank warf ignored it. I try, 243 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:33.840 I tried hard. When I floated the idea of joining 244 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:36.240 enough to work a happy hour, Jason texted back, can't 245 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.360 make it tonight, deadline hell have fun. But later, at 246 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:41.960 a scrolled Instagram overtakeout, I paused on a story from 247 00:11:41.960 --> 00:11:44.600 an acquaintance Katrina blurry let a heavy boomerang of a 248 00:11:44.639 --> 00:11:48.240 crowded bar. There, unmistakably in the left corner was Jason. 249 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:52.000 Caught me laugh. His arm gestured animatedly toward a slender 250 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:55.279 woman I'd never seen. Her hair was dark, bobbed, lips 251 00:11:55.320 --> 00:11:58.159 painted a deep violet. If the camera had lingered just 252 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:00.679 another second, I might have seen how close they were standing. 253 00:12:01.320 --> 00:12:04.200 I stared at the phone, lodge crashing through me. People 254 00:12:04.200 --> 00:12:07.519 can change plans. Maybe he'd stopped by, intending just to 255 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:10.759 say hi. But shouldn't he have said something? When I 256 00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:13.639 asked that night how his deadline went, he recited details 257 00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:16.200 about conference call that would have perfectly overlapped happy hour. 258 00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:19.960 Oh who's Megan, I blurted before I could stop myself, 259 00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:23.159 keeping my tone light. Jason paused midsip of his beer, 260 00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:26.279 blinking as if drudging up the name Megan. You mean 261 00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:29.759 from product? She's new, don't really know her. He glanced away, 262 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:34.720 wiping his mouth. Why I shrugged, just heard her name up, 263 00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:38.279 Brench sounds like your crowd's expanding. Not really, he said, 264 00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:42.320 voice tight. We've just had more project crossover. He moved on, 265 00:12:42.440 --> 00:12:45.200 shifting to a safe topic a funny podcast episode the 266 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:49.039 latest drawma in Jeremy and Lydia's cyclical relationship. I let him, 267 00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:51.639 too tired to bark up the same tree. Maybe this 268 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:54.759 was all just growing pains. I thought. Our friends had 269 00:12:54.840 --> 00:12:57.519 lately seemed more tightly clustered around Jason's work crew, and 270 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:00.159 more than once after a group dinner, I've been left 271 00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:02.320 out of a second destination, the pool hall, a roof 272 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:06.240 up bar, spontaneous karaoke. It wasn't deliberate, I told myself, 273 00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:08.600 once you hit your thirties, energy goes to dinner, not 274 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:11.480 night left. But when a few days later I met 275 00:13:11.559 --> 00:13:14.159 Jeremy at a small cafe, his invitation, friendly casual, I 276 00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:17.240 couldn't resist steering the conversation. Heard, you and Jason are 277 00:13:17.279 --> 00:13:19.039 tight with the new product crew, I said, as the 278 00:13:19.080 --> 00:13:23.840 borrows to called our names. Jeremy grinned, fidgeting with his sleeve. Yeah, 279 00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:26.480 he's cleue to Ashley this quarter. I swear they've got yes, 280 00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:28.679 b or something. Ashley's nuts, but in a fun way, 281 00:13:28.759 --> 00:13:31.799 keeps the whole team from burning out. Ashley, I repeated, 282 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:36.480 trying out the name. She's the tall one, right, he laughed, No, 283 00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.120 that's Megan, Ashley's the one with the terrible puns. But 284 00:13:39.159 --> 00:13:41.759 I figured you two were already thick a thieves. I 285 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:45.120 shook my head, smiling. Haven't met her. Jason's office weld 286 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:48.360 is a total mystery. Jeremy gave me an apologetic look, 287 00:13:48.559 --> 00:13:51.039 then steered the topic to save for ground. But the 288 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:53.279 sense of being left out deep and cold and familiar. 289 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:56.559 On Friday night, as I scanned our credit card statement 290 00:13:56.559 --> 00:13:59.200 for a quarterly calendar subscription, a lie nightem leapt out 291 00:13:59.559 --> 00:14:01.879 one hunndred eighty six dollars at glass door, a beauty 292 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:04.039 cocktail bar I vaguely remembered from a girl's night a 293 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:06.879 year before. The charge was four nights prior, the night. 294 00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:10.039 Jason had insisted he was slammed home, huddled over spreadsheets. 295 00:14:10.679 --> 00:14:12.639 He'd even left his half finished Rawmen on the counter 296 00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:15.080 that night. Apologized and distracted me as he retreated to 297 00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:17.559 this spare bedroom we both sometimes used for late work. 298 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:21.240 My stomach clenched. I tried to conjure up the simplest, 299 00:14:21.320 --> 00:14:24.759 least acused tory scenario. Maybe someone else paid and he 300 00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:27.600 got stuck with the group tab. But one hundred eighty 301 00:14:27.639 --> 00:14:31.120 six dollars doesn't buy Raman Jason started staying late at 302 00:14:31.120 --> 00:14:34.320 the office on odd nights. Our routine shifted. He began 303 00:14:34.360 --> 00:14:37.000 suggesting I spend more time with the girls, asking if 304 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:39.279 I wanted to start my redding group again, or try 305 00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:41.240 that aerial yoga class. I'd rave the bet once and 306 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:44.120 then forgotten. Babe, you work so hard. I feel like 307 00:14:44.159 --> 00:14:46.039 you need your own anchor, he told me during a 308 00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:49.039 Saturday walk, his hand grazing my hip in that familiar way, 309 00:14:49.080 --> 00:14:51.440 but his gaze already slipping ahead, as if hurrying through 310 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:54.639 the moment. I thought our anchor was running together, I said, 311 00:14:54.679 --> 00:14:58.879 forcing a laugh. He smiled, almost regretful, still as I'm 312 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:01.000 just a little stuck right now. You should do something 313 00:15:01.080 --> 00:15:03.799 just for you. The next weekend, our groups burunched to 314 00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:07.279 Ray went silent. There texted me around noon, feeling off 315 00:15:07.279 --> 00:15:10.360 to day. Let's rain check, I messaged Lydia, want to 316 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:13.600 meet for coffee later. No reply until hours later, vague 317 00:15:13.639 --> 00:15:16.320 and noncommittal. For the first time in years, a week 318 00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:19.759 in felt blank and mowed. On Wednesday, I found myself 319 00:15:19.799 --> 00:15:22.039 heading to a yoga class in an unfamiliar part of town. 320 00:15:22.200 --> 00:15:25.720 Windows full of sun and earthick with incense turning onto 321 00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.320 an unmark side street park. I noticed a great sedan 322 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:31.519 I've recognized anywhere Jason's. The license played ending in three Q. 323 00:15:32.240 --> 00:15:34.879 It was two o'clock on a weekday. This was neither 324 00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:37.360 home nor office, and as far as I knew, none 325 00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:40.000 of his clients lived here. For a minute, I made 326 00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:42.440 up wild explanations. He was picking up something for work, 327 00:15:42.759 --> 00:15:45.639 maybe visiting a sick friend. When he came home. I 328 00:15:45.679 --> 00:15:48.200 mentioned in a roundabout way that I'd been in that neighborhood. 329 00:15:48.639 --> 00:15:53.200 He looked up too quickly, Really, what for yogurt? I replied, 330 00:15:53.799 --> 00:15:56.639 you were there too, right. I paused, then a flash 331 00:15:56.679 --> 00:16:00.120 of something in his eyes, surprise calculation. Oh yeah, I 332 00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:02.080 had to pick up a specialty gift for your birthday. 333 00:16:02.120 --> 00:16:05.120 There's a monogram store there, I found online. His birthday 334 00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:07.559 gift ended up being dinner at our usual beast of downtown, 335 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:10.279 the same place we'd celebrate it every year. There was 336 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:12.879 no sign of anything monoground, no throw a blanket or 337 00:16:12.879 --> 00:16:15.879 silk robe or engrave bottle of gin. I convinced myself 338 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:18.639 to let it slide. I tried Colin Claire that night, 339 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:21.080 hoping for a reset head joke, girl talk, anything to 340 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:24.480 dislodge my confusion, she answered, after a few rings, distracted 341 00:16:24.519 --> 00:16:28.360 and distant. You think we're all growing apart, I asked, 342 00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:32.960 softer than intended. She hesitated, No, no, not at all. 343 00:16:33.080 --> 00:16:35.720 I think Jason's distress, Sophia. He's got a lot riding 344 00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:37.480 on this work cycle. Do you know how he gets 345 00:16:38.240 --> 00:16:40.799 then almost too quickly? You're not letting work take over 346 00:16:40.840 --> 00:16:43.679 your head space again? Or you that's strong? But I 347 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:47.159 told her no. Afterwards, I replayed the call, picking at 348 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:50.399 her tone. Was it just preoccupied scheduling or something got it? 349 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:54.559 I reviewed other recent exchanges. Our group chat was filled 350 00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:58.240 with references I didn't understand, dememes, inside jokes, random asides 351 00:16:58.279 --> 00:17:02.320 about glass door and Hyena hour. Nothing obviously compromising, but 352 00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:05.119 enough to confound me. For the first time ever, I 353 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:08.400 felt on the outside of my own life. Weekend plans dissolved. 354 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:11.160 Jeremy texted that he caught a coal Lydia was on 355 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:14.839 deadline only Thomas replied to my Saturday morning brunch query, 356 00:17:14.880 --> 00:17:18.000 will have to skip got roped into family stuff. It 357 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:20.839 was like being ghosted by my entire group. I stared 358 00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:22.960 at the window, seeing the city mapped in patterns. I 359 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:26.519 no longer recognized. At night, Jason climbed into bed beside me, 360 00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:29.240 sometimes smelling of a sweet cologne, the sort that lasts 361 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:32.680 for hours even after a shower. That entire week, my 362 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:35.000 body felt alive with nose an unspoken thought rising to 363 00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:37.759 the surface, too dangerous to name. Is this just worp pressure? 364 00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:39.960 What was Jason carefully building a life that no longer 365 00:17:39.960 --> 00:17:44.880 included me? Then, just as suddenly, the temperature shifted. On Thursday, 366 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:47.759 Jason surprised me after work, waiting outside my building in 367 00:17:47.799 --> 00:17:51.000 a borrowed convertible. Hegrin, holding up two tickets to a 368 00:17:51.079 --> 00:17:52.839 chef's tasting at the place I had wanted to try. 369 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:55.599 You've been working so hard, I wanted to spoil you 370 00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:58.839 for once. Sorry, I've been on my A skepticism flashed, 371 00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:01.880 but was quickly drowned by graund The meal was decadant, 372 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:05.279 eight courses of inventive flavors, wine pairings that left me flushed. 373 00:18:06.039 --> 00:18:08.839 Jason was attentive, making fun of the hipster portions, spinning 374 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:12.240 a wild account of office politics. I felt myself slipping 375 00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:14.039 back into the version of us that knew how to play. 376 00:18:14.119 --> 00:18:17.920 To enjoy. Over dessert, he reached across the table. Look, 377 00:18:18.039 --> 00:18:20.480 I owe you an apology. I haven't been myself lately. 378 00:18:20.519 --> 00:18:22.519 This client account has every one on edge. We've been 379 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:25.359 pulling crazy hours, late night team bonding to keep everyone 380 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:27.839 from burning out. Asley has been a godsend, keeping every 381 00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:31.160 one above water. He must have seen my skepticism, because 382 00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:33.839 he added Asleys engaged by the way her fiance even 383 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:36.160 came to a couple of team Knights, totally zerodrama. I 384 00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:39.319 promise probably should have mentioned that sooner. Ha. His eyes 385 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:42.160 searched mine a little too open but hopeful. For a 386 00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:44.759 week afterwards, he was sweeter, texting me during the day 387 00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:47.200 suggesting we check out a new art exhibit, or joined 388 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:49.680 Thomas and Clair at their trivia night. He offered to 389 00:18:49.720 --> 00:18:52.400 cook one evening, badly slicing his finger and sending me 390 00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:54.799 into a laughing fit. I am not going to let 391 00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:57.359 myself get stampeded at work again, he said, tucking me 392 00:18:57.400 --> 00:18:59.799 against his chest as we watched a dumb Superheroes equal 393 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:03.400 no deadlines worth missing our life. For the first time 394 00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:05.440 in weeks, I thought maybe I was the problem. Too 395 00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:09.119 quick to worry, prone to invent invisible betrayals. By midweek, 396 00:19:09.279 --> 00:19:12.839 equilibrium seemed to return My anxiety out, dampened by the 397 00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:16.440 relief of normal habits restored. On Thursday, our social calendar 398 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:18.400 brought us to a tech industry networking event at a 399 00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:21.559 loft downtown. Jason wasn't meant to attend, but he'd oris 400 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.359 vpead at the last minute. I nursed to ginger beer. 401 00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.440