WEBVTT 1 00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:19.960 Welcome to grief making sense of It. I'm Dylan. Many 2 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.679 listeners arrive here after choosing to look at some basic 3 00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:26.160 ideas around grief because the experience has started to feel 4 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:29.920 confusing or heavy in new ways. However, the truth is 5 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:32.479 that a lot of people first show up carrying a 6 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:36.320 quiet sense that they are behind or broken since their 7 00:00:36.359 --> 00:00:40.119 feelings do not match what others seem to expect. We 8 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:42.840 can set that weight aside right now and keep the 9 00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:47.840 tone relaxed, with no pressure to measure anything against a calendar. Instead, 10 00:00:47.880 --> 00:00:50.840 the focus stays on what actually shows up for you 11 00:00:51.079 --> 00:00:55.039 in the moment. While outside messages often suggest grief should 12 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:58.399 follow a straight line or reach certain points by certain dates, 13 00:00:58.799 --> 00:01:01.840 the reality is that loss moves on its own schedule. 14 00:01:02.719 --> 00:01:05.280 Because of that, many people begin to question whether they 15 00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:08.840 are doing it right or taking too long. The episode 16 00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:11.920 today looks at that very pressure around timelines and how 17 00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:13.959 it can add an extra layer of weight during an 18 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:19.079 already difficult time. Although those messages come from well meaning places, 19 00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:23.640 they rarely account for the unique shape each loss takes. Meanwhile, 20 00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:26.359 your own pace remains valid even when it does not 21 00:01:26.519 --> 00:01:29.760 line up with what family members or friends assume. Since 22 00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:33.280 grief does not arrive with instructions, it makes sense to 23 00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:36.680 question where those timeline ideas come from in the first place. 24 00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:41.640 The thing is, those expectations can create an inner push 25 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:44.599 that says you should be further along by now, or 26 00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:48.680 feeling certain things in a certain order. However, we can 27 00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:52.040 examine that push without judgment and notice how it sits 28 00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:55.840 alongside your actual days. Although it is common to absorb 29 00:01:55.959 --> 00:01:59.200 those ideas from culture or from stories we hear, the 30 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:01.359 truth is they are often do not fit the lived 31 00:02:01.400 --> 00:02:04.920 experience of mourning. Because of this, many people carry an 32 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:07.319 extra sense of failure that has little to do with 33 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:11.319 the loss itself. Instead, we can begin to separate those 34 00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.800 outside demands from what your own grief needs in the present. 35 00:02:16.360 --> 00:02:19.319 While that separation does not erase the pain, it can 36 00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:23.000 ease one small part of the load. The reality is 37 00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:26.680 that understanding loss without the timeline pressure starts with noticing 38 00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:30.120 where those pressures live and giving yourself permission to set 39 00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:34.919 them down. Grief does not follow any single path that 40 00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:38.800 works for everyone. Because of that, many people wonder if 41 00:02:38.840 --> 00:02:43.199 their experience matches what others expect from them. However, the 42 00:02:43.240 --> 00:02:46.280 idea of a fixed order came from one particular book, 43 00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:49.639 In On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Koubler Ross from 44 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:53.240 nineteen sixty nine, the author described certain responses that some 45 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:56.800 people showed after a loss. Although those descriptions help many 46 00:02:56.840 --> 00:02:59.080 readers at the time, they later turned into something they 47 00:02:59.080 --> 00:03:01.400 were never meant to be. Instead of seeing them as 48 00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:04.800 one possible way, some began to treat them as steps 49 00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:08.000 that must happen in order. Meanwhile, the reality stays different 50 00:03:08.039 --> 00:03:12.319 for each person. Your feelings arrive when they arrive. Since 51 00:03:12.400 --> 00:03:15.159 no checklist applies here, the pressure to move along can 52 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:19.039 feel heavy. Therefore, this episode aims to ease that pressure. 53 00:03:19.639 --> 00:03:22.800 We replace any sense of a required schedule with room 54 00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:25.960 for your own way of moving through loss. Although family 55 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.199 members or friends might ask how long it will take, 56 00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:31.879 the answer stays personal. In fact, many of us carry 57 00:03:31.879 --> 00:03:35.400 an inner voice that questions the pace. Because that voice 58 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:39.520 comes from outside ideas rather than your actual experience, we 59 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:42.199 can set it aside for a moment. While the book 60 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:45.199 offered observations, it did not create a map that everyone 61 00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:50.039 must follow. The misinterpretation happened over time as the description 62 00:03:50.199 --> 00:03:53.199 spread into everyday talk. However, we can look at grief 63 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:56.719 as something that unfolds without deadlines. The truth is your 64 00:03:56.759 --> 00:04:00.439 process belongs to you alone. Although outside voices grew loud 65 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:04.319 at times, they do not define what comes next for you. Meanwhile, 66 00:04:04.360 --> 00:04:07.520 permission to grieve individually starts with noticing the weight of 67 00:04:07.560 --> 00:04:11.599 those expectations. Because grief brings waves that come and go 68 00:04:11.719 --> 00:04:15.719 without warning, the permission to feel them without rush brings 69 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:19.560 some space. Instead of measuring progress against months or years, 70 00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:23.120 you notice what feels true right now. Since each loss 71 00:04:23.160 --> 00:04:26.120 carries its own shape, the idea of a universal timeline 72 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:29.720 falls away. Although the book from nineteen sixty nine gave 73 00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:33.600 language to certain responses, it never claimed those responses formed 74 00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:38.759 a required sequence. The goal here centers on giving yourself permission. 75 00:04:39.360 --> 00:04:43.759 Your own rhythm can look nothing like what others assume. Meanwhile, 76 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:47.800 that freedom opens room for the days when nothing feels clear. 77 00:04:48.879 --> 00:04:52.079 Because the push to hurry often sits just beneath the surface, 78 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:55.680 we examine it without judgment. Although some days bring more 79 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:59.759 questions than answers, those questions remain valid. In other words, 80 00:05:00.040 --> 00:05:03.959 your pace does not need outside approval. The reality is 81 00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:08.720 that grief keeps its own calendar. Since no two people 82 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:11.360 walk the same path, the pressure to match someone else's 83 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:15.560 timeline can add an extra layer of weight. However, we 84 00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:18.079 can set that layer down and return attention to what 85 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:21.920 your experience actually holds. Although the book described responses that 86 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:27.240 appeared in certain cases, those cases did not cover every story. Meanwhile, 87 00:05:27.319 --> 00:05:31.040 your story continues at its own rhythm because of that. 88 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:34.360 We turn next to a time when timeline pressure showed 89 00:05:34.439 --> 00:05:37.879 up in my own life. I remember the first time 90 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:41.639 that sense of falling behind really hit me after my 91 00:05:41.759 --> 00:05:45.680 dad passed. It was about eight months later, and I 92 00:05:45.759 --> 00:05:49.319 was at a family gathering for my cousin's birthday. Everyone 93 00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:52.040 else seemed to be laughing and sharing stories without that 94 00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:56.000 heaviness pulling at every word. Meanwhile, I still found myself 95 00:05:56.040 --> 00:05:58.639 pausing before saying his name out loud because the room 96 00:05:58.680 --> 00:06:02.319 felt too bright, all of us sudden. Because of that contrast, 97 00:06:02.360 --> 00:06:05.439 I started wondering if I had missed some unspoken deadline 98 00:06:05.439 --> 00:06:09.759 that others had already met. The questions came quietly at first, 99 00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:13.199 how long was this supposed to last before it eased 100 00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:17.439 into something lighter? Although no one asked me directly, the 101 00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:21.519 looks from relatives suggested they wondered the same thing. Instead 102 00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:24.720 of pushing back against that pressure, I carried it around 103 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:28.360 like an extra bag I could not set down. While 104 00:06:28.439 --> 00:06:31.240 driving home that evening, the thought settled in that maybe 105 00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:34.839 my pace was simply too slow compared with what people expected. 106 00:06:35.759 --> 00:06:39.360 That feeling stayed with me for weeks after. I would 107 00:06:39.399 --> 00:06:42.000 wake up and check the calendar as if a certain 108 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:44.560 number of days should have changed how the loss sat 109 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:48.560 in my chest. Since nothing on the calendar had that power, 110 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:53.120 the doubt grew stronger. However, one ordinary afternoon, while sorting 111 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:56.639 through old photos, the shift happened without any warning. I 112 00:06:56.759 --> 00:06:58.680 noticed I was not looking for a date when the 113 00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:02.639 grief should end. This point s showed moments that still mattered, 114 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:06.000 and the absence of my dad remained part of those moments. 115 00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:11.759 The realization landed gently, rather than dramatically. There was no 116 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:14.480 finish line waiting at the end of some measured period, 117 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:19.600 because grief moves on its own schedule. The idea of 118 00:07:19.680 --> 00:07:23.839 being behind lost its hold right then. Although the weight 119 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:28.959 did not vanish, the urgency to match someone else's progress faded. Meanwhile, 120 00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:32.399 the room around me stayed the same, and yet something 121 00:07:32.439 --> 00:07:37.720 inside felt less crowded by outside expectations. That moment opened 122 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:40.199 a different view of what the days ahead could hold. 123 00:07:41.279 --> 00:07:44.959 Instead of measuring progress against an invisible chart, I began 124 00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:48.199 to notice small shifts that belonged only to my own experience. 125 00:07:49.079 --> 00:07:51.240 For example, the first time I could listen to one 126 00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:54.399 of his favorite songs without the immediate sting felt like 127 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:58.600 its own marker. While those markers arrived at irregular intervals, 128 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:03.240 they carried more truth than any timeline could offer. Therefore, 129 00:08:03.279 --> 00:08:05.839 the relief came from letting go of the race entirely. 130 00:08:06.879 --> 00:08:10.360 The story stayed with me because it showed how easy 131 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:15.519 it is to adopt someone else's clock. Although family members 132 00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:18.759 and friends often mean well, their assumptions can still press in. 133 00:08:19.480 --> 00:08:22.279 Since grief keeps its own calendar, the pressure to hurry 134 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:25.600 along does not serve anyone in the long run. In fact, 135 00:08:25.839 --> 00:08:30.160 dropping that expectation created space for the connection to continue 136 00:08:30.199 --> 00:08:34.120 in quieter ways. Meanwhile, the days kept moving forward and 137 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:37.000 the loss stayed present without needing to fit a particular 138 00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:41.039 stage or duration. Looking back, the relief felt like setting 139 00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:43.919 down a heavy object I had been carrying without noticing. 140 00:08:44.840 --> 00:08:47.279 The timeline had never been real in the first place, 141 00:08:47.879 --> 00:08:50.039 Yet the belief in it had shaped how I moved 142 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:53.879 through ordinary routines. Because of that shift, I started paying 143 00:08:53.879 --> 00:08:56.600 closer attention to what grief actually looked like on any 144 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.639 given morning or evening. Some days it showed up as 145 00:08:59.639 --> 00:09:02.960 a quiet ache during a routine task. Other days it 146 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:05.399 appeared as a sudden memory that brought both comfort and 147 00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:09.120 sadness at once. The pattern became clearer once the external 148 00:09:09.159 --> 00:09:12.440 clock lost its power. Grief does not arrive in neat 149 00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:15.240 segments that line up with weeks or months. Instead, it 150 00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:19.240 weaves through daily life in ways that resist prediction. Although 151 00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:22.240 that lack of order can feel unsettling at first, the 152 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:25.759 freedom to move at an individual pace brings its own steadiness. 153 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:28.559 While friends might reach a point where they talk about 154 00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:31.639 the loss less often, that difference does not mean anyone 155 00:09:31.759 --> 00:09:35.600 is ahead or behind. What grief actually looks like turns 156 00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:39.120 out to be quite personal and changeable. One afternoon, it 157 00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:42.879 might mean pausing before entering a familiar room. Another morning, 158 00:09:42.879 --> 00:09:45.639 it could mean finding unexpected strength in carrying on a 159 00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:48.080 tradition that once belonged to the person who is gone. 160 00:09:48.679 --> 00:09:51.320 Because those expressions belong to each person, the need to 161 00:09:51.360 --> 00:09:55.080 compare them fades over time. However, the initial pull toward 162 00:09:55.159 --> 00:10:00.080 comparison remains common and understandable. The story of that that 163 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:03.559 family gathering in the later photo sorting still surfaces when 164 00:10:03.600 --> 00:10:08.000 timeline thoughts return. Although the pressure can reappear, the memory 165 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:10.639 of releasing it serves as a reminder to return to 166 00:10:10.679 --> 00:10:15.000 what feels true in the present. Meanwhile, the conversation about 167 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:20.440 grief continues to center on permission rather than performance. Let's 168 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:23.399 pause here for a short break. We'll pick up again 169 00:10:23.559 --> 00:10:33.759 in just a moment. That experience led me to look 170 00:10:33.799 --> 00:10:36.919 into other ways of thinking about grief, beyond any set order. 171 00:10:37.639 --> 00:10:40.799 The dual process model by Strobian Shoot from nineteen ninety 172 00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:44.799 nine offers one helpful frame because it describes grief as 173 00:10:44.919 --> 00:10:48.480 movement between two main areas. One area focuses on the 174 00:10:48.559 --> 00:10:51.960 loss itself, while the other centers on adjusting to life 175 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:56.120 without the person. People shift between these areas instead of 176 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:59.559 moving through fixed points, and that back and forth often 177 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:04.440 feels natural, although it can surprise those around them. Meanwhile, 178 00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:08.080 the intensity of grief does change over years with no 179 00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:12.480 fixed endpoint, because daily life continues to bring reminders and 180 00:11:12.559 --> 00:11:16.759 new situations. A study published in jama Internal Medicine in 181 00:11:16.759 --> 00:11:20.799 twenty seventeen tracked how these shifts appear in many people, 182 00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:23.480 and it showed that the waves do not follow one 183 00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:27.600 predictable pattern. Since each person carries a unique history, the 184 00:11:27.639 --> 00:11:30.919 pace stays personal, and that reality can ease some of 185 00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:35.360 the pressure from outside expectations. Although the dual process model 186 00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:39.720 highlights this oscillation, it also leaves room for times when 187 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:43.080 one area takes more attention than the other. For example, 188 00:11:43.159 --> 00:11:46.519 someone might spend several weeks sorting through belongings and then 189 00:11:46.559 --> 00:11:50.000 turn toward work or family routines for a while. That 190 00:11:50.120 --> 00:11:53.360 balance looks different every month, and it does not require 191 00:11:53.399 --> 00:11:56.279 anyone to reach a certain stage by a certain date. 192 00:11:57.279 --> 00:12:00.039 Researchers at the Center for Complicated Grief at columbns be 193 00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:03.799 A University point out that prolonged grief disorder stands apart 194 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:08.440 from these normal variations because it involves persistent difficulty that 195 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:12.600 lasts well beyond the usual range and interferes with basic functioning. 196 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:16.559 The distinction matters because most people experience wide swings in 197 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:19.279 how they feel from one season to the next without 198 00:12:19.279 --> 00:12:23.159 that disorder present. Therefore, knowing the difference can reduce worry 199 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:26.799 when the feelings simply lasts longer than friends or family expect, 200 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:31.440 since grief keeps showing up in new contexts even years later, 201 00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:34.320 the absence of a finish line does not mean something 202 00:12:34.399 --> 00:12:38.279 has gone wrong. Instead, it reflects how connection to the 203 00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:42.120 person continues while life moves forward at the same time. 204 00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:46.759 The dual process model captures this by noting that restoration 205 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:50.639 activities can bring moments of relief without erasing the loss 206 00:12:50.679 --> 00:12:54.919 side entirely. Here is the thing, though. Many listeners write 207 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:57.440 in to share how their own patterns look nothing like 208 00:12:57.480 --> 00:13:01.159 a straight line, and those stories often bring comfort because 209 00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:03.960 they show the range is wider than any single description. 210 00:13:04.759 --> 00:13:07.799 While the model gives language for the shifts, it cannot 211 00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:11.879 replace the lived experience of each day. Before we turn 212 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:14.639 to those accounts, consider trying a short five minute morning 213 00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:18.960 grief ritual called loss reflection. Pause. Sit with a cup 214 00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:21.799 of tea or coffee and name one memory that surfaces 215 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:25.240 without trying to change how it feels. Then notice one 216 00:13:25.240 --> 00:13:28.039 small task ahead in the day, and allow both thoughts 217 00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:30.799 to sit side by side for the remaining minutes. The 218 00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:33.480 practice stays simple because it mirrors the back and forth 219 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:36.960 the model describes without adding pressure to feel any particular way. 220 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:40.600 Now Here is where your own descriptions can help others 221 00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:43.960 who wonder about their pace. Send your thoughts through the 222 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:47.000 show email or voice message, and we can share some 223 00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:50.000 of them in the next episode. Many listeners have shared 224 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:53.240 their own stories since the last episode, and their words 225 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:57.000 show how grief refuses to follow any calendar. One person 226 00:13:57.039 --> 00:14:00.559 wrote after losing her husband of twenty seven years. She 227 00:14:00.679 --> 00:14:03.200 described the first months as a blur of empty rooms 228 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:06.679 and quiet meals. Yet the questions from relatives started early. 229 00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:09.879 They wondered when she would feel ready to join gatherings again. 230 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:12.799 She kept wondering the same thing until she read about 231 00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:16.000 the dual process model. That idea helped her notice how 232 00:14:16.039 --> 00:14:18.320 some days the loss took all her attention, while other 233 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:22.639 day's daily tasks pulled her focus instead. The relief came 234 00:14:22.679 --> 00:14:26.360 when she stopped measuring progress against any set order. Although 235 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.919 the waves still arrive, she now gives herself room to 236 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:33.279 rest without calling it failure. Another listener described the loss 237 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:36.919 of her brother after a sudden illness. Two years later, 238 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:39.759 she still reaches for the phone to call him. She 239 00:14:39.879 --> 00:14:43.960 said the pressure to move forward felt heaviest at family events. However, 240 00:14:44.159 --> 00:14:46.759 once she let go of that expectation, the guilt eased 241 00:14:46.759 --> 00:14:50.240 a little. She mentioned trying the loss reflection pause. We 242 00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:53.480 talked about earlier. During that short moment, she pictures his 243 00:14:53.600 --> 00:14:56.399 laugh and lets the memory sit without forcing it away, 244 00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:59.679 because the pause has no required length that fits between 245 00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:03.759 chorees are before bed. Meanwhile, her grief has not disappeared, 246 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:06.559 but it no longer feels like something she must finish 247 00:15:06.600 --> 00:15:10.840 by a certain date. A third note came from someone 248 00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:15.720 whose father died after several years of illness. Anticipatory grief 249 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:20.440 had already shaped many family decisions. After the death, the 250 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:24.080 same voices that once urged preparation now urged quick recovery. 251 00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:27.559 She wrote that removing the timeline pressure let her keep 252 00:15:27.559 --> 00:15:30.879 his favorite chair in the living room. Although others found 253 00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:34.159 the chair difficult, she found comfort in the unchanged space. 254 00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:37.480 The dual process model again came up in her note. 255 00:15:37.879 --> 00:15:40.720 It reminded her that restoration and loss can share the 256 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:45.200 same afternoon. Therefore, she sometimes cleans the kitchen while tears fall, 257 00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:49.399 and that mixture feels honest rather than wrong. These accounts 258 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:52.879 arrive from different losses, yet each person points to the 259 00:15:52.919 --> 00:15:58.159 same shift. Once outside expectations loosened, the days feel less 260 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:02.200 crowded by judgment. Since grief keeps its own rhythm, support 261 00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:06.559 often comes from small, repeatable actions rather than large changes. 262 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:10.279 One listener now lights a candle each morning and sits 263 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:13.639 for three minutes before the day begins. Another writes a 264 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:16.639 single sentence about the person who died before turning out 265 00:16:16.639 --> 00:16:20.600 the light at night. These moments do not erase the absence. 266 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:25.120 They simply create space where the connection can continue without apology. 267 00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:30.320 While the stories differ, the common thread stays clear. People 268 00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:35.399 find steadier ground when they stop racing an invisible clock. Therefore, 269 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:38.840 the next step centers on building those small supports into 270 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:44.360 ordinary hours. A simple evening ritual works for many. Choose 271 00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:47.159 a time when the house grows quiet, hold an object 272 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:50.200 that belonged to the person, or simply rest your hands 273 00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:53.000 in your lap, Breathe in for account of four and 274 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:56.440 out for account of six. During those breaths, allow one 275 00:16:56.519 --> 00:16:59.399 memory to surface without pushing it away or holding it 276 00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:02.879 too tightly. When the breaths finish, open your eyes and 277 00:17:02.919 --> 00:17:06.599 return to the room. The whole practice takes less than 278 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:09.119 five minutes, yet it marks the day as one where 279 00:17:09.160 --> 00:17:12.519 grief receives its place. Because the ritual stays short, it 280 00:17:12.559 --> 00:17:16.160 fits even when energy runs low. Meanwhile, the connection remains 281 00:17:16.200 --> 00:17:19.440 open for as long as it needs to. Stay. Since 282 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:21.839 many of you have shared how grief shows up in 283 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:25.839 ordinary moments, the idea of a simple daily check in 284 00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:30.240 can help track what feels present right now. You might 285 00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:33.000 pause for a minute or two each morning and notice 286 00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:36.839 any sensations or thoughts without trying to change them. Because 287 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:40.480 this approach builds on the loss reflection pause we discussed earlier, 288 00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:44.119 the check in stays brief and stays optional, so you 289 00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:47.960 can skip it on days when it feels too much. Meanwhile, 290 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.960 the dual process model reminds us that grief includes both 291 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:53.559 times of feeling the loss and times of turning toward 292 00:17:53.640 --> 00:17:57.079 everyday life. Because of that, some listeners find it useful 293 00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.759 to add small, restoration oriented actions when an energy allows. 294 00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:03.960 A short walk around the block or a return to 295 00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:07.640 one familiar routine can offer that balance. However, the choice 296 00:18:07.640 --> 00:18:10.799 always stays yours. If the walk does not fit today, 297 00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:13.880 then you can set it aside without any sense of failure, 298 00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:18.720 since grief does not follow outside rules. Although these steps 299 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:22.440 come from what others have found helpful, they remain flexible 300 00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:26.519 tools rather than requirements. You might try the check in 301 00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:29.200 for a few days and then decide whether it continues 302 00:18:29.240 --> 00:18:32.799 to serve you or whether another small action fits better. Instead, 303 00:18:33.319 --> 00:18:37.440 the reality stays that your own responses guide what stays 304 00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:41.920 and what drops away. While listener stories show how different 305 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:46.920 losses bring different rhythms, the common thread points toward giving 306 00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:51.079 yourself room to adjust. For example, one person might notice 307 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:54.160 during the check in that a wave of sadness arrives 308 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:57.319 in the afternoon, and then choose a quiet moment later 309 00:18:57.480 --> 00:19:00.359 to sit with it briefly. Another might disc gover that 310 00:19:00.440 --> 00:19:02.880 a short routine like making tea in the same way 311 00:19:02.920 --> 00:19:06.240 each evening brings a sense of steadiness on heavier days. 312 00:19:06.799 --> 00:19:10.200 These actions stay small because larger efforts can wait until 313 00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:14.759 strength returns. Since the practice is linked directly to self kindness, 314 00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:17.160 they work best when you treat any outcome with the 315 00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:20.440 same patience you would offer a friend. That means releasing 316 00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:23.680 any pressure to do them perfectly or to see immediate shifts. 317 00:19:24.039 --> 00:19:27.200 Grief moves in its own way, and these gentle steps 318 00:19:27.240 --> 00:19:30.920 simply offer support along the path without promising fixed results. 319 00:19:31.839 --> 00:19:34.559 In fact, the flexibility here allows you to adapt them 320 00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:38.200 to whatever the day brings. If energy feels low, then 321 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:40.640 the check in might shorten to a single question about 322 00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:44.000 how the body feels right now. If a walk seems possible, 323 00:19:44.200 --> 00:19:46.279 then you can keep it to five minutes and return 324 00:19:46.279 --> 00:19:50.039 home without extending further. The key remains that nothing here 325 00:19:50.119 --> 00:19:54.680 demands continuation once it stops feeling useful. Meanwhile, the oscillation 326 00:19:54.839 --> 00:19:58.319 between loss and restoration continues to show up in daily life. 327 00:19:58.799 --> 00:20:01.240 So these check ins and so small actions can help 328 00:20:01.319 --> 00:20:04.039 notice when one side needs more attention than the other. 329 00:20:04.640 --> 00:20:07.319 You might find that after several days, the pattern becomes 330 00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:10.880 clearer without any judgment attached. That clarity can reduce the 331 00:20:10.920 --> 00:20:14.160 inner questions about whether progress moves fast enough, because the 332 00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:17.720 focus stays on what actually occurs rather than on comparisons. 333 00:20:18.599 --> 00:20:22.160 Although some days will feel heavier than others, the option 334 00:20:22.279 --> 00:20:26.400 to pause or change direction stays available at every step. 335 00:20:27.240 --> 00:20:30.759 This approach honors the ongoing nature of grief while still 336 00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:34.440 leaving space for moments of ordinary function when they appear. 337 00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:39.000 Listeners often report that starting with one brief check in 338 00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:42.559 and adding one small action creates enough room to move 339 00:20:42.599 --> 00:20:47.160 through the hours without added strain. Because these ideas build 340 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:50.559 on what we have already explored, they connect naturally to 341 00:20:50.599 --> 00:20:53.920 the permission we gave ourselves earlier to grieve at an 342 00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:57.680 individual pace. The check in can serve as a quiet 343 00:20:57.720 --> 00:21:01.319 reminder of that permission each time it happened. Over time, 344 00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:04.680 you may notice which elements feel supportive and which ones 345 00:21:04.720 --> 00:21:08.680 you can release without concern. That said, the practices never 346 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:12.960 replace the unique ways each person already navigates loss. They 347 00:21:13.039 --> 00:21:16.599 simply add possible supports that remain easy to set down. 348 00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:19.640 In other words, they stay tools rather than rules, and 349 00:21:19.720 --> 00:21:23.559 the decision to use them rests entirely with You. Will 350 00:21:23.599 --> 00:21:27.240 pause here for a short break and return shortly with 351 00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:38.720 more thoughts on carrying these ideas forward. That inner critic 352 00:21:38.839 --> 00:21:42.119 often arrives without warning after a loss like the one 353 00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:45.359 you described with your dad. It suggests the feelings should 354 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:48.119 have faded by now, or that daily life ought to 355 00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:53.640 look normal again. Yet the truth stays simple. Grief holds 356 00:21:53.680 --> 00:21:57.640 its own pace, and no outside voice can change that fact. 357 00:21:58.799 --> 00:22:01.200 Because of that pressure, it helps to keep a few 358 00:22:01.279 --> 00:22:05.160 short phrases ready for when the thought returns. You can 359 00:22:05.200 --> 00:22:08.400 tell yourself, my loss does not follow anyone else's calendar, 360 00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:11.200 or you might say, this day belongs to my own 361 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:15.599 rhythm and nothing more. These words create a brief pause 362 00:22:15.880 --> 00:22:19.359 where the weight of expectation loosens a little. Meanwhile, the 363 00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:22.839 dual process model we touched on earlier shows how attention 364 00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:26.480 shifts between the loss itself and the rest of life. 365 00:22:26.519 --> 00:22:29.519 Although those shifts happen at different speeds for different people, 366 00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:34.160 the pattern never requires a fixed order or deadline. In fact, 367 00:22:34.200 --> 00:22:36.599 many listeners have written in with stories that echo this 368 00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:40.599 same push from well meaning family or friends. While their 369 00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:44.599 losses vary, the message stays consistent. Your grief does not 370 00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:46.920 need to match what others assume it should look like 371 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:50.759 after a certain number of months. Instead, the individual nature 372 00:22:50.799 --> 00:22:53.799 of mourning means each person finds their balance in their 373 00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:57.440 own time. However, that does not mean the inner critic 374 00:22:57.519 --> 00:23:02.640 disappears overnight. The reaction is that timeline pressure can return 375 00:23:02.759 --> 00:23:06.279 during ordinary moments, such as a morning routine or a 376 00:23:06.359 --> 00:23:10.440 quiet evening. When it does, the same short phrases can 377 00:23:10.519 --> 00:23:14.160 serve as a steady reminder my pace remains valid even 378 00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:18.039 when it differs from what others expect. Although these statements 379 00:23:18.119 --> 00:23:20.359 do not remove the ache, they do make room for 380 00:23:20.480 --> 00:23:24.599 patients with yourself. Since the daily check in practice already 381 00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:27.440 gives space to notice what feels present right now, you 382 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:29.359 can add one of these phrases at the end of 383 00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:33.039 that moment. The connection you hold does not fade because 384 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:36.279 someone else thinks it should. As we move forward together 385 00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:40.519 in future episodes, that same steady support stays here for 386 00:23:40.599 --> 00:23:45.039 whatever shows up next. Grief needs no deadline because each 387 00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:49.000 person's experience follows its own rhythm, and that stays true 388 00:23:49.200 --> 00:23:53.079 long after the initial waves pass. Meanwhile, the daily check 389 00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:55.640 in we touched on earlier can help notice what arrives 390 00:23:55.640 --> 00:23:59.839 in ordinary moments without forcing any particular order. In fact, 391 00:24:00.039 --> 00:24:03.240 any listeners have described how that simple pause brings a 392 00:24:03.240 --> 00:24:06.400 bit of steadiness when expectations from others start to press 393 00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:09.759 in again. If this podcast helps you make sense of 394 00:24:09.799 --> 00:24:12.759 your shit, join our Supporters Club for three dollars a month. 395 00:24:13.119 --> 00:24:17.319 Add free listening in early episodes. Independent media only stays 396 00:24:17.319 --> 00:24:20.119 alive when listeners back it. You can find the link 397 00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:23.480 to join in the episode description. If this episode resonated, 398 00:24:24.119 --> 00:24:27.640 professional support can offer additional space when the weight feels 399 00:24:27.720 --> 00:24:30.640 especially heavy. Next time, we will look at how grief 400 00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:33.759 shows up in small daily moments and ways to meet 401 00:24:33.799 --> 00:24:36.680