Speaker 1: Welcome to grief making sense of It. I'm Dylan. Many
Speaker 1: listeners arrive here after choosing to look at some basic
Speaker 1: ideas around grief because the experience has started to feel
Speaker 1: confusing or heavy in new ways. However, the truth is
Speaker 1: that a lot of people first show up carrying a
Speaker 1: quiet sense that they are behind or broken since their
Speaker 1: feelings do not match what others seem to expect. We
Speaker 1: can set that weight aside right now and keep the
Speaker 1: tone relaxed, with no pressure to measure anything against a calendar. Instead,
Speaker 1: the focus stays on what actually shows up for you
Speaker 1: in the moment. While outside messages often suggest grief should
Speaker 1: follow a straight line or reach certain points by certain dates,
Speaker 1: the reality is that loss moves on its own schedule.
Speaker 1: Because of that, many people begin to question whether they
Speaker 1: are doing it right or taking too long. The episode
Speaker 1: today looks at that very pressure around timelines and how
Speaker 1: it can add an extra layer of weight during an
Speaker 1: already difficult time. Although those messages come from well meaning places,
Speaker 1: they rarely account for the unique shape each loss takes. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: your own pace remains valid even when it does not
Speaker 1: line up with what family members or friends assume. Since
Speaker 1: grief does not arrive with instructions, it makes sense to
Speaker 1: question where those timeline ideas come from in the first place.
Speaker 1: The thing is, those expectations can create an inner push
Speaker 1: that says you should be further along by now, or
Speaker 1: feeling certain things in a certain order. However, we can
Speaker 1: examine that push without judgment and notice how it sits
Speaker 1: alongside your actual days. Although it is common to absorb
Speaker 1: those ideas from culture or from stories we hear, the
Speaker 1: truth is they are often do not fit the lived
Speaker 1: experience of mourning. Because of this, many people carry an
Speaker 1: extra sense of failure that has little to do with
Speaker 1: the loss itself. Instead, we can begin to separate those
Speaker 1: outside demands from what your own grief needs in the present.
Speaker 1: While that separation does not erase the pain, it can
Speaker 1: ease one small part of the load. The reality is
Speaker 1: that understanding loss without the timeline pressure starts with noticing
Speaker 1: where those pressures live and giving yourself permission to set
Speaker 1: them down. Grief does not follow any single path that
Speaker 1: works for everyone. Because of that, many people wonder if
Speaker 1: their experience matches what others expect from them. However, the
Speaker 1: idea of a fixed order came from one particular book,
Speaker 1: In On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Koubler Ross from
Speaker 1: nineteen sixty nine, the author described certain responses that some
Speaker 1: people showed after a loss. Although those descriptions help many
Speaker 1: readers at the time, they later turned into something they
Speaker 1: were never meant to be. Instead of seeing them as
Speaker 1: one possible way, some began to treat them as steps
Speaker 1: that must happen in order. Meanwhile, the reality stays different
Speaker 1: for each person. Your feelings arrive when they arrive. Since
Speaker 1: no checklist applies here, the pressure to move along can
Speaker 1: feel heavy. Therefore, this episode aims to ease that pressure.
Speaker 1: We replace any sense of a required schedule with room
Speaker 1: for your own way of moving through loss. Although family
Speaker 1: members or friends might ask how long it will take,
Speaker 1: the answer stays personal. In fact, many of us carry
Speaker 1: an inner voice that questions the pace. Because that voice
Speaker 1: comes from outside ideas rather than your actual experience, we
Speaker 1: can set it aside for a moment. While the book
Speaker 1: offered observations, it did not create a map that everyone
Speaker 1: must follow. The misinterpretation happened over time as the description
Speaker 1: spread into everyday talk. However, we can look at grief
Speaker 1: as something that unfolds without deadlines. The truth is your
Speaker 1: process belongs to you alone. Although outside voices grew loud
Speaker 1: at times, they do not define what comes next for you. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: permission to grieve individually starts with noticing the weight of
Speaker 1: those expectations. Because grief brings waves that come and go
Speaker 1: without warning, the permission to feel them without rush brings
Speaker 1: some space. Instead of measuring progress against months or years,
Speaker 1: you notice what feels true right now. Since each loss
Speaker 1: carries its own shape, the idea of a universal timeline
Speaker 1: falls away. Although the book from nineteen sixty nine gave
Speaker 1: language to certain responses, it never claimed those responses formed
Speaker 1: a required sequence. The goal here centers on giving yourself permission.
Speaker 1: Your own rhythm can look nothing like what others assume. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: that freedom opens room for the days when nothing feels clear.
Speaker 1: Because the push to hurry often sits just beneath the surface,
Speaker 1: we examine it without judgment. Although some days bring more
Speaker 1: questions than answers, those questions remain valid. In other words,
Speaker 1: your pace does not need outside approval. The reality is
Speaker 1: that grief keeps its own calendar. Since no two people
Speaker 1: walk the same path, the pressure to match someone else's
Speaker 1: timeline can add an extra layer of weight. However, we
Speaker 1: can set that layer down and return attention to what
Speaker 1: your experience actually holds. Although the book described responses that
Speaker 1: appeared in certain cases, those cases did not cover every story. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: your story continues at its own rhythm because of that.
Speaker 1: We turn next to a time when timeline pressure showed
Speaker 1: up in my own life. I remember the first time
Speaker 1: that sense of falling behind really hit me after my
Speaker 1: dad passed. It was about eight months later, and I
Speaker 1: was at a family gathering for my cousin's birthday. Everyone
Speaker 1: else seemed to be laughing and sharing stories without that
Speaker 1: heaviness pulling at every word. Meanwhile, I still found myself
Speaker 1: pausing before saying his name out loud because the room
Speaker 1: felt too bright, all of us sudden. Because of that contrast,
Speaker 1: I started wondering if I had missed some unspoken deadline
Speaker 1: that others had already met. The questions came quietly at first,
Speaker 1: how long was this supposed to last before it eased
Speaker 1: into something lighter? Although no one asked me directly, the
Speaker 1: looks from relatives suggested they wondered the same thing. Instead
Speaker 1: of pushing back against that pressure, I carried it around
Speaker 1: like an extra bag I could not set down. While
Speaker 1: driving home that evening, the thought settled in that maybe
Speaker 1: my pace was simply too slow compared with what people expected.
Speaker 1: That feeling stayed with me for weeks after. I would
Speaker 1: wake up and check the calendar as if a certain
Speaker 1: number of days should have changed how the loss sat
Speaker 1: in my chest. Since nothing on the calendar had that power,
Speaker 1: the doubt grew stronger. However, one ordinary afternoon, while sorting
Speaker 1: through old photos, the shift happened without any warning. I
Speaker 1: noticed I was not looking for a date when the
Speaker 1: grief should end. This point s showed moments that still mattered,
Speaker 1: and the absence of my dad remained part of those moments.
Speaker 1: The realization landed gently, rather than dramatically. There was no
Speaker 1: finish line waiting at the end of some measured period,
Speaker 1: because grief moves on its own schedule. The idea of
Speaker 1: being behind lost its hold right then. Although the weight
Speaker 1: did not vanish, the urgency to match someone else's progress faded. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: the room around me stayed the same, and yet something
Speaker 1: inside felt less crowded by outside expectations. That moment opened
Speaker 1: a different view of what the days ahead could hold.
Speaker 1: Instead of measuring progress against an invisible chart, I began
Speaker 1: to notice small shifts that belonged only to my own experience.
Speaker 1: For example, the first time I could listen to one
Speaker 1: of his favorite songs without the immediate sting felt like
Speaker 1: its own marker. While those markers arrived at irregular intervals,
Speaker 1: they carried more truth than any timeline could offer. Therefore,
Speaker 1: the relief came from letting go of the race entirely.
Speaker 1: The story stayed with me because it showed how easy
Speaker 1: it is to adopt someone else's clock. Although family members
Speaker 1: and friends often mean well, their assumptions can still press in.
Speaker 1: Since grief keeps its own calendar, the pressure to hurry
Speaker 1: along does not serve anyone in the long run. In fact,
Speaker 1: dropping that expectation created space for the connection to continue
Speaker 1: in quieter ways. Meanwhile, the days kept moving forward and
Speaker 1: the loss stayed present without needing to fit a particular
Speaker 1: stage or duration. Looking back, the relief felt like setting
Speaker 1: down a heavy object I had been carrying without noticing.
Speaker 1: The timeline had never been real in the first place,
Speaker 1: Yet the belief in it had shaped how I moved
Speaker 1: through ordinary routines. Because of that shift, I started paying
Speaker 1: closer attention to what grief actually looked like on any
Speaker 1: given morning or evening. Some days it showed up as
Speaker 1: a quiet ache during a routine task. Other days it
Speaker 1: appeared as a sudden memory that brought both comfort and
Speaker 1: sadness at once. The pattern became clearer once the external
Speaker 1: clock lost its power. Grief does not arrive in neat
Speaker 1: segments that line up with weeks or months. Instead, it
Speaker 1: weaves through daily life in ways that resist prediction. Although
Speaker 1: that lack of order can feel unsettling at first, the
Speaker 1: freedom to move at an individual pace brings its own steadiness.
Speaker 1: While friends might reach a point where they talk about
Speaker 1: the loss less often, that difference does not mean anyone
Speaker 1: is ahead or behind. What grief actually looks like turns
Speaker 1: out to be quite personal and changeable. One afternoon, it
Speaker 1: might mean pausing before entering a familiar room. Another morning,
Speaker 1: it could mean finding unexpected strength in carrying on a
Speaker 1: tradition that once belonged to the person who is gone.
Speaker 1: Because those expressions belong to each person, the need to
Speaker 1: compare them fades over time. However, the initial pull toward
Speaker 1: comparison remains common and understandable. The story of that that
Speaker 1: family gathering in the later photo sorting still surfaces when
Speaker 1: timeline thoughts return. Although the pressure can reappear, the memory
Speaker 1: of releasing it serves as a reminder to return to
Speaker 1: what feels true in the present. Meanwhile, the conversation about
Speaker 1: grief continues to center on permission rather than performance. Let's
Speaker 1: pause here for a short break. We'll pick up again
Speaker 1: in just a moment. That experience led me to look
Speaker 1: into other ways of thinking about grief, beyond any set order.
Speaker 1: The dual process model by Strobian Shoot from nineteen ninety
Speaker 1: nine offers one helpful frame because it describes grief as
Speaker 1: movement between two main areas. One area focuses on the
Speaker 1: loss itself, while the other centers on adjusting to life
Speaker 1: without the person. People shift between these areas instead of
Speaker 1: moving through fixed points, and that back and forth often
Speaker 1: feels natural, although it can surprise those around them. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: the intensity of grief does change over years with no
Speaker 1: fixed endpoint, because daily life continues to bring reminders and
Speaker 1: new situations. A study published in jama Internal Medicine in
Speaker 1: twenty seventeen tracked how these shifts appear in many people,
Speaker 1: and it showed that the waves do not follow one
Speaker 1: predictable pattern. Since each person carries a unique history, the
Speaker 1: pace stays personal, and that reality can ease some of
Speaker 1: the pressure from outside expectations. Although the dual process model
Speaker 1: highlights this oscillation, it also leaves room for times when
Speaker 1: one area takes more attention than the other. For example,
Speaker 1: someone might spend several weeks sorting through belongings and then
Speaker 1: turn toward work or family routines for a while. That
Speaker 1: balance looks different every month, and it does not require
Speaker 1: anyone to reach a certain stage by a certain date.
Speaker 1: Researchers at the Center for Complicated Grief at columbns be
Speaker 1: A University point out that prolonged grief disorder stands apart
Speaker 1: from these normal variations because it involves persistent difficulty that
Speaker 1: lasts well beyond the usual range and interferes with basic functioning.
Speaker 1: The distinction matters because most people experience wide swings in
Speaker 1: how they feel from one season to the next without
Speaker 1: that disorder present. Therefore, knowing the difference can reduce worry
Speaker 1: when the feelings simply lasts longer than friends or family expect,
Speaker 1: since grief keeps showing up in new contexts even years later,
Speaker 1: the absence of a finish line does not mean something
Speaker 1: has gone wrong. Instead, it reflects how connection to the
Speaker 1: person continues while life moves forward at the same time.
Speaker 1: The dual process model captures this by noting that restoration
Speaker 1: activities can bring moments of relief without erasing the loss
Speaker 1: side entirely. Here is the thing, though. Many listeners write
Speaker 1: in to share how their own patterns look nothing like
Speaker 1: a straight line, and those stories often bring comfort because
Speaker 1: they show the range is wider than any single description.
Speaker 1: While the model gives language for the shifts, it cannot
Speaker 1: replace the lived experience of each day. Before we turn
Speaker 1: to those accounts, consider trying a short five minute morning
Speaker 1: grief ritual called loss reflection. Pause. Sit with a cup
Speaker 1: of tea or coffee and name one memory that surfaces
Speaker 1: without trying to change how it feels. Then notice one
Speaker 1: small task ahead in the day, and allow both thoughts
Speaker 1: to sit side by side for the remaining minutes. The
Speaker 1: practice stays simple because it mirrors the back and forth
Speaker 1: the model describes without adding pressure to feel any particular way.
Speaker 1: Now Here is where your own descriptions can help others
Speaker 1: who wonder about their pace. Send your thoughts through the
Speaker 1: show email or voice message, and we can share some
Speaker 1: of them in the next episode. Many listeners have shared
Speaker 1: their own stories since the last episode, and their words
Speaker 1: show how grief refuses to follow any calendar. One person
Speaker 1: wrote after losing her husband of twenty seven years. She
Speaker 1: described the first months as a blur of empty rooms
Speaker 1: and quiet meals. Yet the questions from relatives started early.
Speaker 1: They wondered when she would feel ready to join gatherings again.
Speaker 1: She kept wondering the same thing until she read about
Speaker 1: the dual process model. That idea helped her notice how
Speaker 1: some days the loss took all her attention, while other
Speaker 1: day's daily tasks pulled her focus instead. The relief came
Speaker 1: when she stopped measuring progress against any set order. Although
Speaker 1: the waves still arrive, she now gives herself room to
Speaker 1: rest without calling it failure. Another listener described the loss
Speaker 1: of her brother after a sudden illness. Two years later,
Speaker 1: she still reaches for the phone to call him. She
Speaker 1: said the pressure to move forward felt heaviest at family events. However,
Speaker 1: once she let go of that expectation, the guilt eased
Speaker 1: a little. She mentioned trying the loss reflection pause. We
Speaker 1: talked about earlier. During that short moment, she pictures his
Speaker 1: laugh and lets the memory sit without forcing it away,
Speaker 1: because the pause has no required length that fits between
Speaker 1: chorees are before bed. Meanwhile, her grief has not disappeared,
Speaker 1: but it no longer feels like something she must finish
Speaker 1: by a certain date. A third note came from someone
Speaker 1: whose father died after several years of illness. Anticipatory grief
Speaker 1: had already shaped many family decisions. After the death, the
Speaker 1: same voices that once urged preparation now urged quick recovery.
Speaker 1: She wrote that removing the timeline pressure let her keep
Speaker 1: his favorite chair in the living room. Although others found
Speaker 1: the chair difficult, she found comfort in the unchanged space.
Speaker 1: The dual process model again came up in her note.
Speaker 1: It reminded her that restoration and loss can share the
Speaker 1: same afternoon. Therefore, she sometimes cleans the kitchen while tears fall,
Speaker 1: and that mixture feels honest rather than wrong. These accounts
Speaker 1: arrive from different losses, yet each person points to the
Speaker 1: same shift. Once outside expectations loosened, the days feel less
Speaker 1: crowded by judgment. Since grief keeps its own rhythm, support
Speaker 1: often comes from small, repeatable actions rather than large changes.
Speaker 1: One listener now lights a candle each morning and sits
Speaker 1: for three minutes before the day begins. Another writes a
Speaker 1: single sentence about the person who died before turning out
Speaker 1: the light at night. These moments do not erase the absence.
Speaker 1: They simply create space where the connection can continue without apology.
Speaker 1: While the stories differ, the common thread stays clear. People
Speaker 1: find steadier ground when they stop racing an invisible clock. Therefore,
Speaker 1: the next step centers on building those small supports into
Speaker 1: ordinary hours. A simple evening ritual works for many. Choose
Speaker 1: a time when the house grows quiet, hold an object
Speaker 1: that belonged to the person, or simply rest your hands
Speaker 1: in your lap, Breathe in for account of four and
Speaker 1: out for account of six. During those breaths, allow one
Speaker 1: memory to surface without pushing it away or holding it
Speaker 1: too tightly. When the breaths finish, open your eyes and
Speaker 1: return to the room. The whole practice takes less than
Speaker 1: five minutes, yet it marks the day as one where
Speaker 1: grief receives its place. Because the ritual stays short, it
Speaker 1: fits even when energy runs low. Meanwhile, the connection remains
Speaker 1: open for as long as it needs to. Stay. Since
Speaker 1: many of you have shared how grief shows up in
Speaker 1: ordinary moments, the idea of a simple daily check in
Speaker 1: can help track what feels present right now. You might
Speaker 1: pause for a minute or two each morning and notice
Speaker 1: any sensations or thoughts without trying to change them. Because
Speaker 1: this approach builds on the loss reflection pause we discussed earlier,
Speaker 1: the check in stays brief and stays optional, so you
Speaker 1: can skip it on days when it feels too much. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: the dual process model reminds us that grief includes both
Speaker 1: times of feeling the loss and times of turning toward
Speaker 1: everyday life. Because of that, some listeners find it useful
Speaker 1: to add small, restoration oriented actions when an energy allows.
Speaker 1: A short walk around the block or a return to
Speaker 1: one familiar routine can offer that balance. However, the choice
Speaker 1: always stays yours. If the walk does not fit today,
Speaker 1: then you can set it aside without any sense of failure,
Speaker 1: since grief does not follow outside rules. Although these steps
Speaker 1: come from what others have found helpful, they remain flexible
Speaker 1: tools rather than requirements. You might try the check in
Speaker 1: for a few days and then decide whether it continues
Speaker 1: to serve you or whether another small action fits better. Instead,
Speaker 1: the reality stays that your own responses guide what stays
Speaker 1: and what drops away. While listener stories show how different
Speaker 1: losses bring different rhythms, the common thread points toward giving
Speaker 1: yourself room to adjust. For example, one person might notice
Speaker 1: during the check in that a wave of sadness arrives
Speaker 1: in the afternoon, and then choose a quiet moment later
Speaker 1: to sit with it briefly. Another might disc gover that
Speaker 1: a short routine like making tea in the same way
Speaker 1: each evening brings a sense of steadiness on heavier days.
Speaker 1: These actions stay small because larger efforts can wait until
Speaker 1: strength returns. Since the practice is linked directly to self kindness,
Speaker 1: they work best when you treat any outcome with the
Speaker 1: same patience you would offer a friend. That means releasing
Speaker 1: any pressure to do them perfectly or to see immediate shifts.
Speaker 1: Grief moves in its own way, and these gentle steps
Speaker 1: simply offer support along the path without promising fixed results.
Speaker 1: In fact, the flexibility here allows you to adapt them
Speaker 1: to whatever the day brings. If energy feels low, then
Speaker 1: the check in might shorten to a single question about
Speaker 1: how the body feels right now. If a walk seems possible,
Speaker 1: then you can keep it to five minutes and return
Speaker 1: home without extending further. The key remains that nothing here
Speaker 1: demands continuation once it stops feeling useful. Meanwhile, the oscillation
Speaker 1: between loss and restoration continues to show up in daily life.
Speaker 1: So these check ins and so small actions can help
Speaker 1: notice when one side needs more attention than the other.
Speaker 1: You might find that after several days, the pattern becomes
Speaker 1: clearer without any judgment attached. That clarity can reduce the
Speaker 1: inner questions about whether progress moves fast enough, because the
Speaker 1: focus stays on what actually occurs rather than on comparisons.
Speaker 1: Although some days will feel heavier than others, the option
Speaker 1: to pause or change direction stays available at every step.
Speaker 1: This approach honors the ongoing nature of grief while still
Speaker 1: leaving space for moments of ordinary function when they appear.
Speaker 1: Listeners often report that starting with one brief check in
Speaker 1: and adding one small action creates enough room to move
Speaker 1: through the hours without added strain. Because these ideas build
Speaker 1: on what we have already explored, they connect naturally to
Speaker 1: the permission we gave ourselves earlier to grieve at an
Speaker 1: individual pace. The check in can serve as a quiet
Speaker 1: reminder of that permission each time it happened. Over time,
Speaker 1: you may notice which elements feel supportive and which ones
Speaker 1: you can release without concern. That said, the practices never
Speaker 1: replace the unique ways each person already navigates loss. They
Speaker 1: simply add possible supports that remain easy to set down.
Speaker 1: In other words, they stay tools rather than rules, and
Speaker 1: the decision to use them rests entirely with You. Will
Speaker 1: pause here for a short break and return shortly with
Speaker 1: more thoughts on carrying these ideas forward. That inner critic
Speaker 1: often arrives without warning after a loss like the one
Speaker 1: you described with your dad. It suggests the feelings should
Speaker 1: have faded by now, or that daily life ought to
Speaker 1: look normal again. Yet the truth stays simple. Grief holds
Speaker 1: its own pace, and no outside voice can change that fact.
Speaker 1: Because of that pressure, it helps to keep a few
Speaker 1: short phrases ready for when the thought returns. You can
Speaker 1: tell yourself, my loss does not follow anyone else's calendar,
Speaker 1: or you might say, this day belongs to my own
Speaker 1: rhythm and nothing more. These words create a brief pause
Speaker 1: where the weight of expectation loosens a little. Meanwhile, the
Speaker 1: dual process model we touched on earlier shows how attention
Speaker 1: shifts between the loss itself and the rest of life.
Speaker 1: Although those shifts happen at different speeds for different people,
Speaker 1: the pattern never requires a fixed order or deadline. In fact,
Speaker 1: many listeners have written in with stories that echo this
Speaker 1: same push from well meaning family or friends. While their
Speaker 1: losses vary, the message stays consistent. Your grief does not
Speaker 1: need to match what others assume it should look like
Speaker 1: after a certain number of months. Instead, the individual nature
Speaker 1: of mourning means each person finds their balance in their
Speaker 1: own time. However, that does not mean the inner critic
Speaker 1: disappears overnight. The reaction is that timeline pressure can return
Speaker 1: during ordinary moments, such as a morning routine or a
Speaker 1: quiet evening. When it does, the same short phrases can
Speaker 1: serve as a steady reminder my pace remains valid even
Speaker 1: when it differs from what others expect. Although these statements
Speaker 1: do not remove the ache, they do make room for
Speaker 1: patients with yourself. Since the daily check in practice already
Speaker 1: gives space to notice what feels present right now, you
Speaker 1: can add one of these phrases at the end of
Speaker 1: that moment. The connection you hold does not fade because
Speaker 1: someone else thinks it should. As we move forward together
Speaker 1: in future episodes, that same steady support stays here for
Speaker 1: whatever shows up next. Grief needs no deadline because each
Speaker 1: person's experience follows its own rhythm, and that stays true
Speaker 1: long after the initial waves pass. Meanwhile, the daily check
Speaker 1: in we touched on earlier can help notice what arrives
Speaker 1: in ordinary moments without forcing any particular order. In fact,
Speaker 1: any listeners have described how that simple pause brings a
Speaker 1: bit of steadiness when expectations from others start to press
Speaker 1: in again. If this podcast helps you make sense of
Speaker 1: your shit, join our Supporters Club for three dollars a month.
Speaker 1: Add free listening in early episodes. Independent media only stays
Speaker 1: alive when listeners back it. You can find the link
Speaker 1: to join in the episode description. If this episode resonated,
Speaker 1: professional support can offer additional space when the weight feels
Speaker 1: especially heavy. Next time, we will look at how grief
Speaker 1: shows up in small daily moments and ways to meet
Speaker 1: those times with the same permission we have explored here.
Speaker 1: Although the path ahead stays open ended, you can return
Speaker 1: whenever the questions surface or the reminders come back. The
Speaker 1: invitation stays open for you to listen again or share
Speaker 1: what fits your own situation. That flexibility matters because grief
Speaker 1: continues to intersect with life in its own way, and
Speaker 1: coming back here can serve as one steady point along
Speaker 1: the way.