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<v Speaker 1>This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a great Love to bab Hi again. Everyone, It's

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<v Speaker 1>Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's

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<v Speaker 1>number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I

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<v Speaker 1>am back here in the very fine studios of Pod

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<v Speaker 1>Popular Podcast for the People. I am at the one

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<v Speaker 1>in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is getting to be the full

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<v Speaker 1>Scott's Dazzle season out here. So if you got the time,

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<v Speaker 1>head on out to the desert, and it is the

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<v Speaker 1>time pretty soon where we are doing once again, probably

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<v Speaker 1>are our two most popular episodes we do any year,

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<v Speaker 1>Our best and worst cities in America in which to

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<v Speaker 1>find love. We do this every year. We've done this.

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<v Speaker 1>I was gonna say, since twenty fifteen, nine eight years

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<v Speaker 1>in a row, We're about to do both, just to

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<v Speaker 1>be fair and to be honest about it. For most

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<v Speaker 1>of the first eight years of every time we did it,

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<v Speaker 1>I did the show. I did those shows based on

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<v Speaker 1>my own information from traveling around and visiting so many

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<v Speaker 1>cities because of our tour, so I felt I really

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<v Speaker 1>spent some time. I got a lot of input from

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<v Speaker 1>people in the city. I did a lot of research,

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<v Speaker 1>we got a lot of feedback from you guys. So

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<v Speaker 1>before we came up with the top ten best of

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<v Speaker 1>the ten ten worst, I really immersed myself in the muck.

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<v Speaker 1>And I was able to do that because I was

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<v Speaker 1>on the road doing so many shows in so many

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<v Speaker 1>cities around the country and around the world as part

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<v Speaker 1>of our tour. To be fair, I did not do

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<v Speaker 1>as many live shows in twenty twenty three as I

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<v Speaker 1>normally have done, or even a couple of years before that,

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<v Speaker 1>because the world shut down and blah blah blah. So

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<v Speaker 1>we are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations,

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<v Speaker 1>and nominations from you guys. So, if you feel the

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<v Speaker 1>city you live in, or have moved from, or have

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<v Speaker 1>visited is a candidate for either the best or the

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<v Speaker 1>worst city in America to find love, shoot us an

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<v Speaker 1>email Great Loved Debate at gmail dot com. Put in

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<v Speaker 1>the subject line best city or worst city. We should

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<v Speaker 1>be able to tell by what you're writing, but we

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<v Speaker 1>will be surprised because some people send some them like wait,

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<v Speaker 1>is that a good thing or is that a bad? Thing.

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<v Speaker 1>We will take all your nominees and we will get

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<v Speaker 1>the lists out in the weeks ahead. We're always excited

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<v Speaker 1>about do that. To do that, we always get a

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<v Speaker 1>ton of buzz. The media always picks it up and

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<v Speaker 1>runs with it, like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's

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<v Speaker 1>the best, and it is. But I'm not going to

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<v Speaker 1>influence you. I'm not going to influence the jury. So

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<v Speaker 1>give me your candidates, your nominations, your submissions for the

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<v Speaker 1>best or the worst cities to fine love, and we

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<v Speaker 1>will be rolling out that list shortly. I wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>talk a little bit today about communication, which I know

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<v Speaker 1>we always talk about that on this podcast. We've said

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<v Speaker 1>since since the day we started that the keys to

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<v Speaker 1>everything when it comes to love dating relationships are confidence

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<v Speaker 1>and communication. And some of you are like, wait, you

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<v Speaker 1>said a few weeks ago that the keys were passionate

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<v Speaker 1>and curiosity. Yes, I stand by those, but in order

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<v Speaker 1>to find those and get results from them, confidence and

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<v Speaker 1>communication are what really drives the engine and what really

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<v Speaker 1>needs to be worked on. So confidence, the lack thereof,

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<v Speaker 1>or building upon that, I think we've dealt with quite

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<v Speaker 1>a bit this year. We've had specialists on to talk

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<v Speaker 1>about mental health and physical fitness and emotional growth, all

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<v Speaker 1>of that, and I think they're all great episodes and

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<v Speaker 1>it's great information. But the communication part, we all struggle

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<v Speaker 1>with that, and I am and have been one of

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<v Speaker 1>the worst people you can possibly imagine when it comes

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<v Speaker 1>to that, as a boss and as a boyfriend and

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<v Speaker 1>as a member of society at communicating anything but mostly

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<v Speaker 1>the right thing in the right way at the right time.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm always surprised that I can pump out these episodes

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<v Speaker 1>of this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often

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<v Speaker 1>I have such trouble one on one. But that's a

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<v Speaker 1>different show for a different day. And people have said

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<v Speaker 1>that to me that I probably communicate better on my

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<v Speaker 1>show than I do in real life. So if you

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<v Speaker 1>want to have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me,

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<v Speaker 1>listen to the show, come on the podcast, or shoot

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<v Speaker 1>me an email about it, and I'm great. I think

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<v Speaker 1>I'm great relatively now. On the basics, the please, thank you,

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<v Speaker 1>you're welcome, I'm sorry, I love you, things all very important,

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<v Speaker 1>extremely so. But the layers of my thoughts and the

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<v Speaker 1>nuance of what I'm trying to express and the poetry

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<v Speaker 1>between lines that is often missing either in what I

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<v Speaker 1>say or how I say it, or how we say it.

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<v Speaker 1>So why do I bring this up today? So somebody

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<v Speaker 1>emailed me Tara from Arlington, Texas. Was the name, thank

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<v Speaker 1>you Tara, a thingy, a picture with a meme, a

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<v Speaker 1>little picture with the words on it, and she said

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<v Speaker 1>do you agree with this? And it said shutting down

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<v Speaker 1>instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting

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<v Speaker 1>down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing.

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<v Speaker 1>And you're probably like, no shit, simple concept. Of course

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<v Speaker 1>it's bad. But but I think why that resonated with

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<v Speaker 1>me so much and why I wanted to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>it today is the word toxic, Because who would have

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<v Speaker 1>thought not saying something adds toxicity? And toxicity in a

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<v Speaker 1>relationship is such an important element and such a destructive one.

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<v Speaker 1>So getting back to the shutting down part, that was

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<v Speaker 1>my go to technique. I think that was the technique

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<v Speaker 1>I used way, way, way too often. I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>if they can see that I'm mad, then they will

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<v Speaker 1>try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that

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<v Speaker 1>they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or

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<v Speaker 1>apologize for it, and then I will be right. So

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<v Speaker 1>the shutting down and the going silent was about being right,

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<v Speaker 1>which never should be the point in any conversation or

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<v Speaker 1>any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple

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<v Speaker 1>episodes ago I talked about the importance of being heard

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<v Speaker 1>and hearing the other person. But you can't do that

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<v Speaker 1>if you aren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or

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<v Speaker 1>if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting

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<v Speaker 1>off the communication beyond just having angerbody language and scows

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<v Speaker 1>silent treatment. So that's what I want to talk about.

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<v Speaker 1>How we do that, why we do it, and well

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<v Speaker 1>we can do about all of it. So I got

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<v Speaker 1>to take a quick break so our sponsors can communicate

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<v Speaker 1>to you, and we will be right back right after this,

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<v Speaker 1>and we are back. So, as I have said ad

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<v Speaker 1>infinitum on this show, I'm not giving you advice. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>giving you my opinion. And my opinion is just my

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<v Speaker 1>own on what has or hasn't worked for me. But

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<v Speaker 1>it is what we have heard over and over and

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<v Speaker 1>over from so many people. And just by that very

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<v Speaker 1>fact that we have done so many shows live around

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<v Speaker 1>the world and have heard from the largest pool of

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<v Speaker 1>people on this stuff then honestly, anybody ever. I think

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<v Speaker 1>that this opinion is rooted in some things that you

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<v Speaker 1>pretty much bank is accurate. Like, I think I know

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<v Speaker 1>what I'm talking about on this, and some of these

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<v Speaker 1>things are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything,

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<v Speaker 1>how are they to know? But knowing when matters too.

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<v Speaker 1>I know there's two schools of thoughts on never go

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<v Speaker 1>to bed mad, which I didn't know before I started

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<v Speaker 1>doing the show. I'm like, oh, there's two schools of thought.

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<v Speaker 1>I thought the old adage never go to bed mad

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<v Speaker 1>was a real thing. But there are those who feel

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<v Speaker 1>that you should work things out in a moment so

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<v Speaker 1>it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I

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<v Speaker 1>see the point of that, And those who say, when

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<v Speaker 1>you are tired and upset and emotional, maybe a good

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<v Speaker 1>night's sleep is what you need most to calm and

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<v Speaker 1>reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school

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<v Speaker 1>of thought is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go

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<v Speaker 1>to bed mad. It's how you wake up, because it

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<v Speaker 1>only has purpose and value if you get up the

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<v Speaker 1>next morning and say, can we talk, and not in

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<v Speaker 1>a way that it picks right back up at that

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<v Speaker 1>angry point you left off at. It's more like I've

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<v Speaker 1>had some time to think and there are a few

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<v Speaker 1>things that I want to share to see if we

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<v Speaker 1>can come together on this thing that has brought us apart.

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<v Speaker 1>And I know it's not easy to say it like

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<v Speaker 1>that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever, but

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<v Speaker 1>that word share is in that sentence. Share to see

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<v Speaker 1>if we can come together shares a key to all

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<v Speaker 1>of this communication when done right and with a positive purpose.

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<v Speaker 1>Communication is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions, and yeah, emotions,

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<v Speaker 1>share emotions. So shutting all those things down tells the

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<v Speaker 1>other person I do not care enough about you to

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<v Speaker 1>try to get to the other side of this issue.

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<v Speaker 1>Our conflict, our conflict both of us, disagreement, our breakdown.

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<v Speaker 1>So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But

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<v Speaker 1>if you get past that night's sleep and you're not

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<v Speaker 1>speaking calmly, you can let a night turn into a day,

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<v Speaker 1>turn into a week, turn into the end. Do you

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<v Speaker 1>have to at some point summon the strength and the

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<v Speaker 1>words and the calmness to address the eulephant in the room,

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<v Speaker 1>because it is there, it's not going to go away.

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<v Speaker 1>You have to say something. Can we talk? Those are

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<v Speaker 1>some of the scariest three words another person can hear

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<v Speaker 1>because they're almost never followed by anything good. But if

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<v Speaker 1>you you softened it a little, or if you said

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<v Speaker 1>something like, hey, I'd love an opportunity to hear each

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<v Speaker 1>other out about what we were talking about last night or

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<v Speaker 1>about what happened. I think that's a little gentler. And

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<v Speaker 1>no matter how furious you are at the other person,

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<v Speaker 1>if you can to talk and it means enough to

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<v Speaker 1>you that you want to say something about it, you

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<v Speaker 1>must care about something some elements of it, and hopefully

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<v Speaker 1>them and what you guys have. But this isn't just

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<v Speaker 1>to use for bad things, because it's not just about that.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes silence comes from a place of positivity, but that

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<v Speaker 1>can also bring in toxic elements like doubt and fear

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<v Speaker 1>and resentment, because the silence is about what is not

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<v Speaker 1>being said and what is not being heard. So what

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<v Speaker 1>do I mean by that? Well, of course they know

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<v Speaker 1>I appreciate them, do they We've been together seven years.

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<v Speaker 1>Why would I be doing this with you if I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't love you? You know, lots of people think the

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<v Speaker 1>actions speak louder than the words, another old adage, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, well, not always. Sometimes we absolutely need to

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<v Speaker 1>say and hear the words, lots of words, because you know,

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<v Speaker 1>communicating with positivity and with purpose, they need to hear it.

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<v Speaker 1>You need to say it, and you need to feel it,

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<v Speaker 1>both of you. So somebody says, what do you want

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<v Speaker 1>to do today? That's a normal question that you know

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<v Speaker 1>two people ask, probably when they're in a relationships. Certainly

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<v Speaker 1>a nice thing to ask because it means you want

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<v Speaker 1>to respect their their wishes and their opinion on the

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<v Speaker 1>subject matter what do you want to do today? But

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<v Speaker 1>their answer is way more effective if the answer isn't

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, Maybe see a movie, I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>you want to get some food. I think the answer

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<v Speaker 1>is way better if it's I don't care. I just

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<v Speaker 1>want to be with you. I mean, how many times

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<v Speaker 1>have any of us heard that? Not that many, right,

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<v Speaker 1>But it's awesome if you do, because then and the

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<v Speaker 1>two of you together, through this question and this answer,

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<v Speaker 1>you've established a desire to be together, to share time

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<v Speaker 1>and moments and whatever you are doing. The act is

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<v Speaker 1>secondary to the fact that you are doing it with them,

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<v Speaker 1>then you can get into the war what how Sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>and hopefully you're just sitting next somebody in a movie

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<v Speaker 1>theater and you're just like, I love the fact that

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just sitting here with them. I can't even pay

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<v Speaker 1>attention to the movie. I like the time we're spending together,

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<v Speaker 1>or a meal that you're sharing. You don't even remember

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<v Speaker 1>what you're eating or why this is it that matters?

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<v Speaker 1>I want to do it with you. And isn't that

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<v Speaker 1>great use of words and communication and something that will

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<v Speaker 1>never come out of silence? They won't you think they know?

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<v Speaker 1>They don't know because you don't have to be extraordinarily

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<v Speaker 1>eloquent or a master of language to express that by

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<v Speaker 1>saying that the person is more important than the activity,

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<v Speaker 1>saying it out loud, often clearly, honestly, passionately, I can

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<v Speaker 1>tell you that all the fancy dinner menus in the

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<v Speaker 1>world they can't replace the effect that it will have

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<v Speaker 1>on you and them and the relationship. And when you

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<v Speaker 1>know a lot of people are going to counter when

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<v Speaker 1>I bring this stuff up and say I shouldn't have

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<v Speaker 1>to say it. They should know if they are paying

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<v Speaker 1>attention and to that, I say what, like, what are

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<v Speaker 1>they paying attention to? If people quote unquote knew what

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<v Speaker 1>you were thinking and feeling in silence, probably seventy percent

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<v Speaker 1>of our conflicts wouldn't even exist. We never know, especially

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<v Speaker 1>the guys. A lot of times the women, even when

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<v Speaker 1>they are communicating, they're communicating at a level that only

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<v Speaker 1>dogs can hear. So communicating in silence it is probably

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<v Speaker 1>never going to be effective. We always need to hear it,

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<v Speaker 1>We always need to say it, and I think it

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<v Speaker 1>always has value and I don't want to hear that. Well.

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<v Speaker 1>If he says it every day, it becomes white noise

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<v Speaker 1>and gets deluded and it has no value. I want

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<v Speaker 1>him to say I love you when he really means it.

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<v Speaker 1>Trust me, if he says it every day, he means

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<v Speaker 1>it every day because you remembered to say it and

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<v Speaker 1>he felt to say it and he thought to say it.

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<v Speaker 1>Not a quick love you I hear a lot one.

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<v Speaker 1>I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love

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<v Speaker 1>you before hanging up the phone and they leave out

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<v Speaker 1>the eye. It's always a red flag to me, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>love you. I want to hear I love you. I

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<v Speaker 1>want to hear the eye me totally means something, and

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<v Speaker 1>it totally matters. You should never get tired of hearing

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<v Speaker 1>him say you are beautiful, and you should never get

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<v Speaker 1>tired of her saying you're special or important, or the

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<v Speaker 1>there are grateful or happy, or that they matter, because

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<v Speaker 1>if you don't say things, then they don't matter enough.

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<v Speaker 1>That's what you not saying something really says. And we

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<v Speaker 1>all at the end of the day, absolutely want to

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<v Speaker 1>matter in the world to that person and in the relationship,

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<v Speaker 1>because trust me, the easiest part of the relationship should

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<v Speaker 1>be saying the basic things that support the most difficult conversations.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a lot easier to have a conversation with your

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<v Speaker 1>wife about refinancing the house or switching jobs, or figuring

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<v Speaker 1>out what to do with your kid who's not doing

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<v Speaker 1>well in school. It's a lot easier to say this,

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<v Speaker 1>to have those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating

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<v Speaker 1>the daily basics. I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>sorry I didn't see your perspective. Thank you for picking

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<v Speaker 1>up the package for me. I love the way you

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<v Speaker 1>looked last night. If we can't see those things, we're

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<v Speaker 1>in big trouble. But if we can say these things,

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<v Speaker 1>and we make a point to do things and not

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<v Speaker 1>only just remember to say it, but becomes a part

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<v Speaker 1>of your routine. Everything becomes easier and anything can be better.

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<v Speaker 1>So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's

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<v Speaker 1>always a caveat to that turning point. Sometimes things are

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<v Speaker 1>better left unsaid. You should dial back one more. Fuck you,

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<v Speaker 1>just dial that back, Just throw that one a Sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>you're better off not sending that email or that text

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<v Speaker 1>or trying to get the next word because you want

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<v Speaker 1>to be the last word. Like there is some value

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<v Speaker 1>in that. Sometimes silence is golden and there's an adage

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<v Speaker 1>that has a purpose, and I get all of that,

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<v Speaker 1>but that is for a moment, but after a breath,

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<v Speaker 1>once you calm down, not for weeks and not forever,

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<v Speaker 1>just until you take a mental inventory for a second

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<v Speaker 1>to think, does this person or this situation merit any

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<v Speaker 1>ounce of my time or feelings to try to just

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<v Speaker 1>not just work it out, but just work through it

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<v Speaker 1>our differences, this situation, these issues. I'm not sure I

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<v Speaker 1>do enough of that in professional situations, not people who

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<v Speaker 1>work with me or work for me, and certainly not

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<v Speaker 1>on this podcast. Somebody came up to me, not just somebody.

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<v Speaker 1>Her name is Nicole, and I should honor that, and

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<v Speaker 1>I need to say that out loud. Nicole recently in

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<v Speaker 1>person and said she has listened to the show for

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<v Speaker 1>five years. And I was flattered. But there was this

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<v Speaker 1>part of me embarrassed to hear that. But no part

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<v Speaker 1>of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful, and I

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<v Speaker 1>probably didn't express that in the moment well enough, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>I let like, oh what do I do with this information?

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<v Speaker 1>Overwhelm the fact that I extremely grateful. And there are

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<v Speaker 1>there are tens of thousands of podcasts that people could

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<v Speaker 1>listen to, and there's millions of ways to get you

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<v Speaker 1>guys information and that you could get stimulized. So in somebody,

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<v Speaker 1>any of you, and there's a lot of you, take

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<v Speaker 1>the time and listen each week or most weeks, or

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<v Speaker 1>even just a week or two out of the year.

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<v Speaker 1>Shame on you catch up. I do need to communicate

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<v Speaker 1>two words and two things, thank you, and keep listening,

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<v Speaker 1>like share, follow, and review this podcast. You reviews still

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<v Speaker 1>after all this time, four hundred and something something shows

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<v Speaker 1>your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem, and

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<v Speaker 1>to me, so thank you very much. Shoot me an

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<v Speaker 1>email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com, not just

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<v Speaker 1>to give me your submissions on the best and the worst,

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<v Speaker 1>but also on your thoughts on how you communicate, why

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<v Speaker 1>you communicate, and the value that you find in communicating.

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<v Speaker 1>As always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop

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<v Speaker 1>making love. To see you next time. The Great Love Debates.

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<v Speaker 1>It's the Great Love Debates, The Great Love Debates, It's

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<v Speaker 1>the Great Love to be