Speaker 1: This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a great Love to bab Hi again. Everyone, It's
Speaker 1: Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's
Speaker 1: number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I
Speaker 1: am back here in the very fine studios of Pod
Speaker 1: Popular Podcast for the People. I am at the one
Speaker 1: in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is getting to be the full
Speaker 1: Scott's Dazzle season out here. So if you got the time,
Speaker 1: head on out to the desert, and it is the
Speaker 1: time pretty soon where we are doing once again, probably
Speaker 1: are our two most popular episodes we do any year,
Speaker 1: Our best and worst cities in America in which to
Speaker 1: find love. We do this every year. We've done this.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, since twenty fifteen, nine eight years
Speaker 1: in a row, We're about to do both, just to
Speaker 1: be fair and to be honest about it. For most
Speaker 1: of the first eight years of every time we did it,
Speaker 1: I did the show. I did those shows based on
Speaker 1: my own information from traveling around and visiting so many
Speaker 1: cities because of our tour, so I felt I really
Speaker 1: spent some time. I got a lot of input from
Speaker 1: people in the city. I did a lot of research,
Speaker 1: we got a lot of feedback from you guys. So
Speaker 1: before we came up with the top ten best of
Speaker 1: the ten ten worst, I really immersed myself in the muck.
Speaker 1: And I was able to do that because I was
Speaker 1: on the road doing so many shows in so many
Speaker 1: cities around the country and around the world as part
Speaker 1: of our tour. To be fair, I did not do
Speaker 1: as many live shows in twenty twenty three as I
Speaker 1: normally have done, or even a couple of years before that,
Speaker 1: because the world shut down and blah blah blah. So
Speaker 1: we are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations,
Speaker 1: and nominations from you guys. So, if you feel the
Speaker 1: city you live in, or have moved from, or have
Speaker 1: visited is a candidate for either the best or the
Speaker 1: worst city in America to find love, shoot us an
Speaker 1: email Great Loved Debate at gmail dot com. Put in
Speaker 1: the subject line best city or worst city. We should
Speaker 1: be able to tell by what you're writing, but we
Speaker 1: will be surprised because some people send some them like wait,
Speaker 1: is that a good thing or is that a bad? Thing.
Speaker 1: We will take all your nominees and we will get
Speaker 1: the lists out in the weeks ahead. We're always excited
Speaker 1: about do that. To do that, we always get a
Speaker 1: ton of buzz. The media always picks it up and
Speaker 1: runs with it, like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's
Speaker 1: the best, and it is. But I'm not going to
Speaker 1: influence you. I'm not going to influence the jury. So
Speaker 1: give me your candidates, your nominations, your submissions for the
Speaker 1: best or the worst cities to fine love, and we
Speaker 1: will be rolling out that list shortly. I wanted to
Speaker 1: talk a little bit today about communication, which I know
Speaker 1: we always talk about that on this podcast. We've said
Speaker 1: since since the day we started that the keys to
Speaker 1: everything when it comes to love dating relationships are confidence
Speaker 1: and communication. And some of you are like, wait, you
Speaker 1: said a few weeks ago that the keys were passionate
Speaker 1: and curiosity. Yes, I stand by those, but in order
Speaker 1: to find those and get results from them, confidence and
Speaker 1: communication are what really drives the engine and what really
Speaker 1: needs to be worked on. So confidence, the lack thereof,
Speaker 1: or building upon that, I think we've dealt with quite
Speaker 1: a bit this year. We've had specialists on to talk
Speaker 1: about mental health and physical fitness and emotional growth, all
Speaker 1: of that, and I think they're all great episodes and
Speaker 1: it's great information. But the communication part, we all struggle
Speaker 1: with that, and I am and have been one of
Speaker 1: the worst people you can possibly imagine when it comes
Speaker 1: to that, as a boss and as a boyfriend and
Speaker 1: as a member of society at communicating anything but mostly
Speaker 1: the right thing in the right way at the right time.
Speaker 1: I'm always surprised that I can pump out these episodes
Speaker 1: of this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often
Speaker 1: I have such trouble one on one. But that's a
Speaker 1: different show for a different day. And people have said
Speaker 1: that to me that I probably communicate better on my
Speaker 1: show than I do in real life. So if you
Speaker 1: want to have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me,
Speaker 1: listen to the show, come on the podcast, or shoot
Speaker 1: me an email about it, and I'm great. I think
Speaker 1: I'm great relatively now. On the basics, the please, thank you,
Speaker 1: you're welcome, I'm sorry, I love you, things all very important,
Speaker 1: extremely so. But the layers of my thoughts and the
Speaker 1: nuance of what I'm trying to express and the poetry
Speaker 1: between lines that is often missing either in what I
Speaker 1: say or how I say it, or how we say it.
Speaker 1: So why do I bring this up today? So somebody
Speaker 1: emailed me Tara from Arlington, Texas. Was the name, thank
Speaker 1: you Tara, a thingy, a picture with a meme, a
Speaker 1: little picture with the words on it, and she said
Speaker 1: do you agree with this? And it said shutting down
Speaker 1: instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting
Speaker 1: down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing.
Speaker 1: And you're probably like, no shit, simple concept. Of course
Speaker 1: it's bad. But but I think why that resonated with
Speaker 1: me so much and why I wanted to talk about
Speaker 1: it today is the word toxic, Because who would have
Speaker 1: thought not saying something adds toxicity? And toxicity in a
Speaker 1: relationship is such an important element and such a destructive one.
Speaker 1: So getting back to the shutting down part, that was
Speaker 1: my go to technique. I think that was the technique
Speaker 1: I used way, way, way too often. I was like,
Speaker 1: if they can see that I'm mad, then they will
Speaker 1: try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that
Speaker 1: they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or
Speaker 1: apologize for it, and then I will be right. So
Speaker 1: the shutting down and the going silent was about being right,
Speaker 1: which never should be the point in any conversation or
Speaker 1: any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple
Speaker 1: episodes ago I talked about the importance of being heard
Speaker 1: and hearing the other person. But you can't do that
Speaker 1: if you aren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or
Speaker 1: if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting
Speaker 1: off the communication beyond just having angerbody language and scows
Speaker 1: silent treatment. So that's what I want to talk about.
Speaker 1: How we do that, why we do it, and well
Speaker 1: we can do about all of it. So I got
Speaker 1: to take a quick break so our sponsors can communicate
Speaker 1: to you, and we will be right back right after this,
Speaker 1: and we are back. So, as I have said ad
Speaker 1: infinitum on this show, I'm not giving you advice. I'm
Speaker 1: giving you my opinion. And my opinion is just my
Speaker 1: own on what has or hasn't worked for me. But
Speaker 1: it is what we have heard over and over and
Speaker 1: over from so many people. And just by that very
Speaker 1: fact that we have done so many shows live around
Speaker 1: the world and have heard from the largest pool of
Speaker 1: people on this stuff then honestly, anybody ever. I think
Speaker 1: that this opinion is rooted in some things that you
Speaker 1: pretty much bank is accurate. Like, I think I know
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about on this, and some of these
Speaker 1: things are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything,
Speaker 1: how are they to know? But knowing when matters too.
Speaker 1: I know there's two schools of thoughts on never go
Speaker 1: to bed mad, which I didn't know before I started
Speaker 1: doing the show. I'm like, oh, there's two schools of thought.
Speaker 1: I thought the old adage never go to bed mad
Speaker 1: was a real thing. But there are those who feel
Speaker 1: that you should work things out in a moment so
Speaker 1: it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I
Speaker 1: see the point of that, And those who say, when
Speaker 1: you are tired and upset and emotional, maybe a good
Speaker 1: night's sleep is what you need most to calm and
Speaker 1: reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school
Speaker 1: of thought is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go
Speaker 1: to bed mad. It's how you wake up, because it
Speaker 1: only has purpose and value if you get up the
Speaker 1: next morning and say, can we talk, and not in
Speaker 1: a way that it picks right back up at that
Speaker 1: angry point you left off at. It's more like I've
Speaker 1: had some time to think and there are a few
Speaker 1: things that I want to share to see if we
Speaker 1: can come together on this thing that has brought us apart.
Speaker 1: And I know it's not easy to say it like
Speaker 1: that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever, but
Speaker 1: that word share is in that sentence. Share to see
Speaker 1: if we can come together shares a key to all
Speaker 1: of this communication when done right and with a positive purpose.
Speaker 1: Communication is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions, and yeah, emotions,
Speaker 1: share emotions. So shutting all those things down tells the
Speaker 1: other person I do not care enough about you to
Speaker 1: try to get to the other side of this issue.
Speaker 1: Our conflict, our conflict both of us, disagreement, our breakdown.
Speaker 1: So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe
Speaker 1: after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But
Speaker 1: if you get past that night's sleep and you're not
Speaker 1: speaking calmly, you can let a night turn into a day,
Speaker 1: turn into a week, turn into the end. Do you
Speaker 1: have to at some point summon the strength and the
Speaker 1: words and the calmness to address the eulephant in the room,
Speaker 1: because it is there, it's not going to go away.
Speaker 1: You have to say something. Can we talk? Those are
Speaker 1: some of the scariest three words another person can hear
Speaker 1: because they're almost never followed by anything good. But if
Speaker 1: you you softened it a little, or if you said
Speaker 1: something like, hey, I'd love an opportunity to hear each
Speaker 1: other out about what we were talking about last night or
Speaker 1: about what happened. I think that's a little gentler. And
Speaker 1: no matter how furious you are at the other person,
Speaker 1: if you can to talk and it means enough to
Speaker 1: you that you want to say something about it, you
Speaker 1: must care about something some elements of it, and hopefully
Speaker 1: them and what you guys have. But this isn't just
Speaker 1: to use for bad things, because it's not just about that.
Speaker 1: Sometimes silence comes from a place of positivity, but that
Speaker 1: can also bring in toxic elements like doubt and fear
Speaker 1: and resentment, because the silence is about what is not
Speaker 1: being said and what is not being heard. So what
Speaker 1: do I mean by that? Well, of course they know
Speaker 1: I appreciate them, do they We've been together seven years.
Speaker 1: Why would I be doing this with you if I
Speaker 1: didn't love you? You know, lots of people think the
Speaker 1: actions speak louder than the words, another old adage, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, not always. Sometimes we absolutely need to
Speaker 1: say and hear the words, lots of words, because you know,
Speaker 1: communicating with positivity and with purpose, they need to hear it.
Speaker 1: You need to say it, and you need to feel it,
Speaker 1: both of you. So somebody says, what do you want
Speaker 1: to do today? That's a normal question that you know
Speaker 1: two people ask, probably when they're in a relationships. Certainly
Speaker 1: a nice thing to ask because it means you want
Speaker 1: to respect their their wishes and their opinion on the
Speaker 1: subject matter what do you want to do today? But
Speaker 1: their answer is way more effective if the answer isn't
Speaker 1: I don't know, Maybe see a movie, I don't know,
Speaker 1: you want to get some food. I think the answer
Speaker 1: is way better if it's I don't care. I just
Speaker 1: want to be with you. I mean, how many times
Speaker 1: have any of us heard that? Not that many, right,
Speaker 1: But it's awesome if you do, because then and the
Speaker 1: two of you together, through this question and this answer,
Speaker 1: you've established a desire to be together, to share time
Speaker 1: and moments and whatever you are doing. The act is
Speaker 1: secondary to the fact that you are doing it with them,
Speaker 1: then you can get into the war what how Sometimes
Speaker 1: and hopefully you're just sitting next somebody in a movie
Speaker 1: theater and you're just like, I love the fact that
Speaker 1: I'm just sitting here with them. I can't even pay
Speaker 1: attention to the movie. I like the time we're spending together,
Speaker 1: or a meal that you're sharing. You don't even remember
Speaker 1: what you're eating or why this is it that matters?
Speaker 1: I want to do it with you. And isn't that
Speaker 1: great use of words and communication and something that will
Speaker 1: never come out of silence? They won't you think they know?
Speaker 1: They don't know because you don't have to be extraordinarily
Speaker 1: eloquent or a master of language to express that by
Speaker 1: saying that the person is more important than the activity,
Speaker 1: saying it out loud, often clearly, honestly, passionately, I can
Speaker 1: tell you that all the fancy dinner menus in the
Speaker 1: world they can't replace the effect that it will have
Speaker 1: on you and them and the relationship. And when you
Speaker 1: know a lot of people are going to counter when
Speaker 1: I bring this stuff up and say I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: to say it. They should know if they are paying
Speaker 1: attention and to that, I say what, like, what are
Speaker 1: they paying attention to? If people quote unquote knew what
Speaker 1: you were thinking and feeling in silence, probably seventy percent
Speaker 1: of our conflicts wouldn't even exist. We never know, especially
Speaker 1: the guys. A lot of times the women, even when
Speaker 1: they are communicating, they're communicating at a level that only
Speaker 1: dogs can hear. So communicating in silence it is probably
Speaker 1: never going to be effective. We always need to hear it,
Speaker 1: We always need to say it, and I think it
Speaker 1: always has value and I don't want to hear that. Well.
Speaker 1: If he says it every day, it becomes white noise
Speaker 1: and gets deluded and it has no value. I want
Speaker 1: him to say I love you when he really means it.
Speaker 1: Trust me, if he says it every day, he means
Speaker 1: it every day because you remembered to say it and
Speaker 1: he felt to say it and he thought to say it.
Speaker 1: Not a quick love you I hear a lot one.
Speaker 1: I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love
Speaker 1: you before hanging up the phone and they leave out
Speaker 1: the eye. It's always a red flag to me, Okay,
Speaker 1: love you. I want to hear I love you. I
Speaker 1: want to hear the eye me totally means something, and
Speaker 1: it totally matters. You should never get tired of hearing
Speaker 1: him say you are beautiful, and you should never get
Speaker 1: tired of her saying you're special or important, or the
Speaker 1: there are grateful or happy, or that they matter, because
Speaker 1: if you don't say things, then they don't matter enough.
Speaker 1: That's what you not saying something really says. And we
Speaker 1: all at the end of the day, absolutely want to
Speaker 1: matter in the world to that person and in the relationship,
Speaker 1: because trust me, the easiest part of the relationship should
Speaker 1: be saying the basic things that support the most difficult conversations.
Speaker 1: It's a lot easier to have a conversation with your
Speaker 1: wife about refinancing the house or switching jobs, or figuring
Speaker 1: out what to do with your kid who's not doing
Speaker 1: well in school. It's a lot easier to say this,
Speaker 1: to have those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating
Speaker 1: the daily basics. I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry I didn't see your perspective. Thank you for picking
Speaker 1: up the package for me. I love the way you
Speaker 1: looked last night. If we can't see those things, we're
Speaker 1: in big trouble. But if we can say these things,
Speaker 1: and we make a point to do things and not
Speaker 1: only just remember to say it, but becomes a part
Speaker 1: of your routine. Everything becomes easier and anything can be better.
Speaker 1: So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's
Speaker 1: always a caveat to that turning point. Sometimes things are
Speaker 1: better left unsaid. You should dial back one more. Fuck you,
Speaker 1: just dial that back, Just throw that one a Sometimes
Speaker 1: you're better off not sending that email or that text
Speaker 1: or trying to get the next word because you want
Speaker 1: to be the last word. Like there is some value
Speaker 1: in that. Sometimes silence is golden and there's an adage
Speaker 1: that has a purpose, and I get all of that,
Speaker 1: but that is for a moment, but after a breath,
Speaker 1: once you calm down, not for weeks and not forever,
Speaker 1: just until you take a mental inventory for a second
Speaker 1: to think, does this person or this situation merit any
Speaker 1: ounce of my time or feelings to try to just
Speaker 1: not just work it out, but just work through it
Speaker 1: our differences, this situation, these issues. I'm not sure I
Speaker 1: do enough of that in professional situations, not people who
Speaker 1: work with me or work for me, and certainly not
Speaker 1: on this podcast. Somebody came up to me, not just somebody.
Speaker 1: Her name is Nicole, and I should honor that, and
Speaker 1: I need to say that out loud. Nicole recently in
Speaker 1: person and said she has listened to the show for
Speaker 1: five years. And I was flattered. But there was this
Speaker 1: part of me embarrassed to hear that. But no part
Speaker 1: of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful, and I
Speaker 1: probably didn't express that in the moment well enough, you know,
Speaker 1: I let like, oh what do I do with this information?
Speaker 1: Overwhelm the fact that I extremely grateful. And there are
Speaker 1: there are tens of thousands of podcasts that people could
Speaker 1: listen to, and there's millions of ways to get you
Speaker 1: guys information and that you could get stimulized. So in somebody,
Speaker 1: any of you, and there's a lot of you, take
Speaker 1: the time and listen each week or most weeks, or
Speaker 1: even just a week or two out of the year.
Speaker 1: Shame on you catch up. I do need to communicate
Speaker 1: two words and two things, thank you, and keep listening,
Speaker 1: like share, follow, and review this podcast. You reviews still
Speaker 1: after all this time, four hundred and something something shows
Speaker 1: your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem, and
Speaker 1: to me, so thank you very much. Shoot me an
Speaker 1: email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com, not just
Speaker 1: to give me your submissions on the best and the worst,
Speaker 1: but also on your thoughts on how you communicate, why
Speaker 1: you communicate, and the value that you find in communicating.
Speaker 1: As always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop
Speaker 1: making love. To see you next time. The Great Love Debates.
Speaker 1: It's the Great Love Debates, The Great Love Debates, It's
Speaker 1: the Great Love to be