WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.799 --> 00:00:06.839 Hello, I'm welcome to cheating all the time. Glad you 2 00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:11.400 are here. Let's get into this next crazy sheet. The 3 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.240 first night had happened, I told myself I was imagining things. 4 00:00:14.839 --> 00:00:17.879 Oh maybe I thought I was half dreaming, not entirely awake. 5 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:19.960 When I opened my eyes to that thin, slicing glow 6 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.440 beneath the bathroom door, it was so late to thick 7 00:00:22.600 --> 00:00:24.600 blue block two thirty in the morning, kind of late. 8 00:00:25.239 --> 00:00:27.440 Our bedroom was dark as ink except for that pale 9 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:31.480 yellow slit. I blinked, adjusting to the quiet, I listened. 10 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:36.079 I could hear Lucas. His voice was hush, whispering, sometimes urgent, 11 00:00:36.200 --> 00:00:39.200 sometimes dropping low, some muffled. I couldn't make out single word. 12 00:00:39.880 --> 00:00:42.280 I lay there, flat on my back, hot, taking away 13 00:00:42.280 --> 00:00:45.079 a little faster than usual. When the door eased open, 14 00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:47.479 loocas his face was outlined in that strange ghost light 15 00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:50.560 from his phone screen. He stepped soft into the room. 16 00:00:50.840 --> 00:00:52.640 His silover slept to his side of the bed, and 17 00:00:52.679 --> 00:00:55.679 he paused. I let my eyes stay just barely open, 18 00:00:55.880 --> 00:00:57.880 wishing I hadn't woken up at all, because there was 19 00:00:57.880 --> 00:01:00.240 something about his body tents wound up. No, not the 20 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:02.119 easy way. He moved when he thought I was asleep. 21 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:04.719 Then the blue white light gloat against his chest, and 22 00:01:04.760 --> 00:01:07.400 I saw the way he scanned the notifications is brow creasing. 23 00:01:07.439 --> 00:01:10.280 For a fraction of the second. When he noticed me, stirring, 24 00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:13.000 his whole posture, snatch shut screen, tilting down, thumb pressing 25 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:15.959 the side button. Phone slid subbenly under his pillow. He 26 00:01:16.040 --> 00:01:19.840 mumbled something just work stuff, nothing interesting, but everything in 27 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:22.560 his body language said otherwise, the way his shoulders round 28 00:01:22.599 --> 00:01:25.359 in his throat bobs as he swallows. He didn't look 29 00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:28.359 at me, I said nothing, head turned away, But as 30 00:01:28.359 --> 00:01:30.200 he lay next to me, much stiffer than usually, I 31 00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:33.480 stole a glance backward. A notification pulse from beneath the 32 00:01:33.480 --> 00:01:35.519 pillow lit up his jaw, and all I caught before 33 00:01:35.519 --> 00:01:37.439 it vanished was a single name I didn't know, and 34 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:41.879 he saw my eyes. Couldn't sleep, he asked, quite cautious, 35 00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:44.879 and then he turned away, leaving both of us suspended 36 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:47.920 in the thinnest space, close as breath and yet suddenly not. 37 00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:50.959 I didn't realize until the next day that this was 38 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:53.799 the third night in a row. It almost seems impossible 39 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:56.159 now to think of a time when I didn't suspect anything. 40 00:01:56.840 --> 00:01:59.640 Sometimes in moments of grief, the old scenes weaply, so 41 00:01:59.719 --> 00:02:02.599 vividly that I almost convinced myself everything is normal again. 42 00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:06.319 Talk safely behind the glass before all the cracks. Lucas 43 00:02:06.359 --> 00:02:08.159 and I met at a friend's party, or rather we 44 00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:10.439 met in the hush between jokes, Ice rattling in my 45 00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:13.080 glass and him rolling his eyes at the playlist. We 46 00:02:13.159 --> 00:02:15.599 bonded right away over stocky comments about the whole subsession 47 00:02:15.639 --> 00:02:18.319 with Vinyl, but also over movies, strange little art films, 48 00:02:18.400 --> 00:02:21.280 stories that didn't know how to wrap up needy. Lucas's 49 00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:23.960 laugh was this warm, deep thing that made me smile reflexively. 50 00:02:24.520 --> 00:02:27.479 He was gentle, genuinely interested, quick to spot quite discomfort 51 00:02:27.520 --> 00:02:30.120 and see herus some were safer. We fell into rhythm 52 00:02:30.120 --> 00:02:32.919 with a nise I'd never known. Our one bedroom apartment 53 00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:35.319 was a nest of shared Sunday breakfast pancakes scraped onto 54 00:02:35.360 --> 00:02:38.639 the same plate, the radiostatic blending with Lucas's humming. He 55 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:41.199 poured my coffee first, even when he really needed it more. 56 00:02:41.800 --> 00:02:44.039 We made each other laugh until we couldn't breathe. Over 57 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:46.319 dumb ti V shows and lazy We came brunches at 58 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.240 the old spot around the corner, though, of the inside jokes, 59 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:51.199 like the time Lucas pretended to propose with a ring 60 00:02:51.240 --> 00:02:54.360 shaped posted and noodle at dinner for arthur anniversary. He 61 00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:56.280 planned the surprise we ken away at that lakeside, and 62 00:02:56.319 --> 00:02:59.479 I'd only mentioned oftened and there it was so perfectly arranged, 63 00:02:59.479 --> 00:03:01.479 the room with the balcony, the right wine, even a 64 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:04.599 playlist Heep put together for us. We had our routines 65 00:03:05.319 --> 00:03:08.599 after work. We cooked together, me dicing, Lucas stirring, sometimes 66 00:03:08.599 --> 00:03:11.879 binning me, and slowed downs to half remembered song from college. 67 00:03:11.960 --> 00:03:14.479 We decked all day dumb memes, or ye'd like this 68 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:16.680 weird guy on the elevator, or guess which of my 69 00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:19.479 meeting has just got canceled. There were nights with lawn 70 00:03:19.719 --> 00:03:22.560 rambling talks, everything from career dreams to childhood fears. When 71 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:25.039 the lights were low, if one of us had a nightmare, 72 00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:27.759 the other was already reaching across the sheets. He was 73 00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:30.960 my sturdy place. He always said what was on his mind, 74 00:03:31.080 --> 00:03:34.319 or so I believed. Whenever I doubted myself, Lucas was 75 00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:36.520 there with his easy Hey, it's going to be fine, 76 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:38.759 And somehow I trusted him. Our friends would tease that 77 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:40.639 we were the old married couple, the safe pair, the 78 00:03:40.680 --> 00:03:43.520 anchor for the group whenever other couples fell apart. I 79 00:03:43.639 --> 00:03:46.400 was proud of what we'd made, solid, respectful, never flash. 80 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:49.560 When Lucas got his promotion last winter, I remember hugging 81 00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:52.439 him so hot I nearly knocked him over. He'd worked 82 00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:54.879 for it, and we celebrated well into the night. I 83 00:03:54.919 --> 00:03:57.199 never dreamed the promotion would turn the earth under our feet, 84 00:03:57.199 --> 00:04:00.000 that a new title could come with such shadows. After 85 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:02.199 Lucas's promotion, the shift was so subtle at first, I 86 00:04:02.240 --> 00:04:05.719 could almost convince myself nothing was different. He started coming 87 00:04:05.719 --> 00:04:07.759 home later than he used to, first den I, then 88 00:04:07.800 --> 00:04:11.000 to trailing apologies about last minute deadline's iron strategy calls 89 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:13.680 that just won't quit. I told myself it was normal. 90 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:17.160 We were adults with real jobs. The new roll came 91 00:04:17.199 --> 00:04:21.000 with more pressure, more responsibility. But Lucas, who had always 92 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:23.199 been casual with his phone leaving its face up unlock 93 00:04:23.319 --> 00:04:26.319 lying around in any room, started changing little things. He 94 00:04:26.360 --> 00:04:29.079 said in his green locky iron. I saw him tap 95 00:04:29.079 --> 00:04:33.279 away notifications before I could glance over his shoulder. Message previews, 96 00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:37.160 which once flashed up freely, were suddenly off. The first 97 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:39.120 time it really made me uneasy was at dinner, a 98 00:04:39.160 --> 00:04:41.399 place we'd gone for years for our quarterly just us, 99 00:04:41.519 --> 00:04:45.240 no friends evenings. Lucas was distracted from the start, fingers 100 00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:47.959 toying with his fork, scanning the door every time he clicked. 101 00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:50.800 Half Way through his burger, his phone buzz against the 102 00:04:50.839 --> 00:04:53.439 table top. That was new too, He used to silence 103 00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.639 it during dinner. He glanced at the screen. I was clouding, 104 00:04:56.680 --> 00:04:58.800 and then he looked at me, quickly, forced a half smile, 105 00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:01.800 and slid the phone off the tib into his lap. Sorry, 106 00:05:01.839 --> 00:05:04.560 he said, getting up abruptly. I just realized I forgot 107 00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:07.079 to answer something for work. Give me a sec. He 108 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:09.600 disappeared to the bathroom. Gone so long. Our waitress refilled 109 00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:11.839 my coffee twice and gently asked, with the raised eyebrow 110 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:14.439 if I'd like to see the dessert menu alone. When 111 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:16.800 he finally came back, his eyes darted around the room, 112 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:20.639 shoulders tight, He apologized, said he was just totally fry. 113 00:05:21.319 --> 00:05:23.399 I ask sedley, because that's who I was with him. 114 00:05:23.399 --> 00:05:25.680 Are things okay? You just feel so far away lately? 115 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:28.959 Lucas smiled, thin and tired, said something about end of 116 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:31.439 quarter reports and squeezed my hand, but there was a 117 00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:34.240 distance in his grip. I couldn't explain. One morning, I 118 00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:36.480 absent mindedly picked up his phone from the kitchen counter, 119 00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:39.319 the way I always had. He was in his home office, 120 00:05:39.399 --> 00:05:41.279 coffee mug in hand. But the moment he heard the 121 00:05:41.319 --> 00:05:45.000 faint buzz, he startled, Could you not? His voice was 122 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:48.079 sharper than I'd ever heard it. I've private project files 123 00:05:48.079 --> 00:05:50.759 on there now. I put the phone down, embarrassed, half 124 00:05:50.759 --> 00:05:54.040 wanting to apologize, half wondering when privacy had blown into secrecy. 125 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:57.800 That's spring turned murky. Lucas's late night popped up on 126 00:05:57.839 --> 00:06:01.279 the calendar with increasing speed, first Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays, 127 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:04.279 always with the reason. He texted him in night swamped, 128 00:06:04.360 --> 00:06:07.040 don't wait up the first time I offered to swing 129 00:06:07.079 --> 00:06:09.480 by his office for takeout. I'll just drop it in 130 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:12.120 the lobby, I joked, trying to keep things light. His 131 00:06:12.199 --> 00:06:15.319 reply was oddly cold, buildings locked after ires anyway, and 132 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:18.399 probably about to leave soon. Don't worry about it. It 133 00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:20.480 wasn't like him at all, and his face when he 134 00:06:20.519 --> 00:06:22.720 got home had a hard to pin satisfaction mixed with 135 00:06:22.759 --> 00:06:25.680 something nervous at the edge. One Sunday, I found a 136 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:28.759 strange perfume, sweet powdery, expensive, clinging to the lapel of 137 00:06:28.759 --> 00:06:30.560 his gray jacket. When I went to hang it up, 138 00:06:31.079 --> 00:06:33.839 it didn't match anything I owned. I held it up 139 00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:36.720 to him, laughing, trying out a new scent. Lucas rolled 140 00:06:36.759 --> 00:06:39.680 his eyes. Kara from HR borrowed it as a jokes 141 00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:42.079 on crisis was spilled coffee. She wanted to see if 142 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:44.879 my jacket fit. Crazy day. He shrugged it off, and 143 00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:47.360 something in his flippant tone made me press, but he deflected. 144 00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:51.560 He always had an answer, a story, a party with 145 00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:54.600 our friends. Things boiled over in my mind. Lucas was 146 00:06:54.639 --> 00:06:57.439 on his phone almost the entire night, texting intently, tapping 147 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:00.120 back replies as if the room had faded away. He 148 00:07:00.199 --> 00:07:04.040 laughed absently our friend's jokes, then excused himself outside, full 149 00:07:04.120 --> 00:07:06.480 and pressed to his ear. He stood in the dim light, 150 00:07:06.519 --> 00:07:10.360 stoop pacing. I caught scraps of conversation. Laughter softened to no, 151 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:12.639 I want to I'll stay as long as I can. 152 00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:15.839 When he came back inside, he was flustered, cheeks ready. 153 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:17.959 I asked who it was, and he brushed me off. 154 00:07:18.160 --> 00:07:21.879 Just work, stuff, don't start. His defensiveness was new bertle heavy, 155 00:07:21.959 --> 00:07:24.639 not the gentle self i'd always known. Every time I 156 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:26.839 asked more detail of questions, where he'd gone, who he 157 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:30.720 was with, when he'd be home, he stiffened, Sophie, you're overthinking. 158 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:34.519 Nothing's changed except my eyres. But everything had changed between us. 159 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:38.079 Our intimacy, once an easy dance of shared words and 160 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:41.639 late night comfort, grew stilted. Lucas came to bedlet, always 161 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:44.720 showering first, sometimes sleeping, angled away from me. When I 162 00:07:44.759 --> 00:07:48.240 reached for him, he'd respond briefly, then pull back. I 163 00:07:48.319 --> 00:07:50.800 asked if we could talk, and he'd just sigh, I'm exhausted, 164 00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:54.079 give me time, please. His style changed too, inside our 165 00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:57.839 home and out, new shirts, sharper cut, fancier shoes. I'd 166 00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:00.560 never seen him brows before. My boy says I should 167 00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:02.800 dress for the roll, he explained when I mentioned it. 168 00:08:03.399 --> 00:08:06.279 But I found the tax expensive bututique, not anything Lucas 169 00:08:06.319 --> 00:08:08.800 would have bought for work without telling me. And then 170 00:08:08.839 --> 00:08:12.160 the receipts one I found in his pocket when folding laundry. 171 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:14.120 Did offer to at a place with white tablecloths and 172 00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:16.839 a price tag that stunned my lower lap. We'd never 173 00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:19.720 have gone there, not together. I found another in our 174 00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:23.240 shared email, a reservation confirmation for a rooftop bar. The 175 00:08:23.319 --> 00:08:25.160 date was a Friday, wan and he told me he'd 176 00:08:25.160 --> 00:08:27.759 spent at the office. I tried to plan it. We 177 00:08:27.800 --> 00:08:29.759 can get away the way we used to do, suggesting 178 00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:33.399 we escaped to the countryside. Lucas was evasive, promising nothing, 179 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:36.080 I have to check with the new schedule. Maybe next 180 00:08:36.120 --> 00:08:38.840 month or maybe after this quarter wraps, he said, every 181 00:08:38.879 --> 00:08:42.120 suggestion slipping through my fingers. I started noticing more and 182 00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:45.480 more little eyes about where he was. Law meeting downtown, 183 00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:48.200 he claimed, but friends would send Fortress from bars. Lucas 184 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:51.559 in the background, laughing, sitting with people I didn't recognize. 185 00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:53.559 Once he said he'd be at client dinner, but his 186 00:08:53.639 --> 00:08:56.039 location taged him at a bob about show across town. 187 00:08:56.679 --> 00:08:59.159 If I asked, he'd smile, thin, noncommittal, as if I 188 00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:02.440 was asking about the way. I felt myself shrinking, holding 189 00:09:02.440 --> 00:09:04.799 my questions in my chest, letting them not and twist. 190 00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:08.279 The apartment started to feel cold at the edges. The 191 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:10.320 worst was the night at home in early May, after 192 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:13.559 Lucas left for work drinks. I was folding our laundry, 193 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:15.720 finding a ticket stub half burned in his jean's pocket. 194 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:17.440 The kindy keep when you want to remember a night. 195 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:20.240 It was for a romantic movie, the same one I'd 196 00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:22.519 begged Lucas to see weeks before, but he told me 197 00:09:22.559 --> 00:09:24.799 what would keep him late. The date was when I 198 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:27.360 went home to visit my mother. The scratch of dread 199 00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:28.879 beneath my skin was so strong, and I had to 200 00:09:28.919 --> 00:09:31.279 grip the edge of the bed. I tried to tell 201 00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:34.360 myself I was being paranoid. I'd always trusted him. He'd 202 00:09:34.360 --> 00:09:37.840 earned it, surely, but trust, I realized isn't just given. 203 00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:41.080 It's built brick by brick, and lately every answer carried 204 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:43.960 a crek. One night, Lucas's phone buzzed while he was 205 00:09:43.960 --> 00:09:46.279 in the shar The screen flashed up with a hard 206 00:09:46.279 --> 00:09:49.279 emoji beside a single name, Jenna. I'd never heard him 207 00:09:49.320 --> 00:09:52.159 mention her. The message preview was cut off, but bright 208 00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:54.200 and intimate in a way that made my stomach town. 209 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:57.039 When Lucas re entered toweling his hair, I tried to 210 00:09:57.080 --> 00:09:59.759 say it lightly. Some One named jennimessaged you. She sent 211 00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:02.960 her arts for work projects now. He frowned confusion, a 212 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:05.600 bit too practice, and said, oh, probably a spam thing. 213 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:08.559 Ignore it. He shut off his phone and changed the subject, 214 00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:12.279 launching into a story about a hardware malfunction at work. Later, 215 00:10:12.519 --> 00:10:14.480 when tidy in the living room, I found a charge 216 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:17.639 attacked deep inside his messenger bag. We only had one 217 00:10:17.720 --> 00:10:20.120 charger between us. Neither of us had a spare form, 218 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:23.039 at least not one. I knew about. My thoughts raised 219 00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:26.799 inventing explanations, none of which made sense. The next Friday, 220 00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:29.399 Lucas told me he'd be out late with clients. It 221 00:10:29.480 --> 00:10:30.919 had been a rough day for me, a fight with 222 00:10:30.960 --> 00:10:33.080 the coworker, a panic attack in the bathroom at work. 223 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:35.519 I just wanted him home. But when I tried to 224 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:38.080 call his office line for comfort the night God answered 225 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:41.360 and sounded confused, No, ma'am, there's no events to night. 226 00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:44.000 The officer's close at nine. My heart dropped out of 227 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:46.759 my body. That weekend I found the jewey store recech 228 00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:49.720 tucked him with his dry cleaning slips. I'd never seen 229 00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:52.559 jewelry from him, not in years, not since that first 230 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:55.840 silly ring shaped pasta joke. My head spun with details 231 00:10:55.919 --> 00:10:58.480 each piece its own puzzle. I sat down at our 232 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:01.120 kitchen table in silence. Every sound in our apartments suddenly 233 00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:04.399 ludder than ever before. Desperate, I went into his web 234 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:07.399 browser history when he left for a networking brunch. He 235 00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:10.720 was fastidious, but not flawless. I found several searches from 236 00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:13.720 weeks before anniversary we can get away ideas a Roman 237 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:16.399 to give suggestions for her. They were all dated before 238 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:18.759 I'd suggested reply a trip back when Lucas said he 239 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:21.360 was just too busy to get away, And yet there 240 00:11:21.399 --> 00:11:23.960 was nothing, no plans, no outings with me, no new 241 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:26.200 jury or weekends await that I was in on. I 242 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:29.600 needed to know. I had to know. So the next 243 00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:31.919 Friday night, when Lucas texted that he would be late 244 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:34.720 because of another urgent work meeting, I nodded, calmly, kissed 245 00:11:34.759 --> 00:11:36.759 him goodbye at the door, and counted down the seconds 246 00:11:36.759 --> 00:11:39.360 after it closed. My hand shook as I grabbed my 247 00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:41.600 keys and jacket. Breath held the way you do before 248 00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:44.759 a plunge. I drove the twenty minutes, drew city lights, 249 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:48.559 rein streaking a windshill to his downtown office. His car 250 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:51.440 wasn't in the building, law I circled until I spotted 251 00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:53.639 it tucked down the block, beside a trendy little restaurant, 252 00:11:53.679 --> 00:11:55.840 one we'd walk past a hundred times, the kind where 253 00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:58.559 people go to toast new love. My pulse hammered so 254 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:01.279 hard in my is that I could barely I parked, 255 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:03.759 ducked inside a doorway across the street and stared through 256 00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:07.759 the fogging glass. The restaurant was glowy candlelight, and Lucas 257 00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:09.679 was there so clear I could see the smug dimple 258 00:12:09.679 --> 00:12:12.200 in his chin at a certain angle, and across from 259 00:12:12.240 --> 00:12:16.120 him her Janna. She was striking, dark hair aloft that 260 00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:18.480 let her face, her hand tracing circles just inches from 261 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:21.519 his own. Lucas leaned in, whispering into her ear, his 262 00:12:21.559 --> 00:12:24.120 whole expression soft in away I had seen in months. 263 00:12:24.759 --> 00:12:26.879 I watched them, my stomach frozen dread as they ordered 264 00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:29.759 a bottle of wine, their heads close together, hands brushing now, 265 00:12:29.840 --> 00:12:32.480 and then at one point, his hands slid out, gently, 266 00:12:32.519 --> 00:12:35.039 clasping hers for just a moment, thun tracing her palm. 267 00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:37.480 He smiled, And it was the Lucas from Lonego, of 268 00:12:37.480 --> 00:12:38.960 the Lucas who used to look at me that way 269 00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:41.559 after we made up from an argument. I wanted to 270 00:12:41.559 --> 00:12:44.559 look away, but I couldn't. After dinner, they walked into 271 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:46.519 the street. Her coat draked over his arm, both of 272 00:12:46.519 --> 00:12:49.200 them laughing at some seeker jerk. He wrapped his arm 273 00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:51.279 around her waist, squeezed her, and they stood in the 274 00:12:51.320 --> 00:12:54.960 light rainfall, speaking close close. When she started to walk away, 275 00:12:55.039 --> 00:12:56.960 Licas tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, 276 00:12:57.039 --> 00:12:59.559 then hugged her tight, before watching her disappear down the block. 277 00:13:00.360 --> 00:13:03.279 I took Photo's hands, trembling, barely able to keep the lensteady, 278 00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:04.679 just in case I had ever come to doubt what 279 00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:07.960 I'd seen with my own eyes. Prue felt cold, metallic 280 00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:09.919 in my hand, like it belonged to some one else. 281 00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:12.480 When I drove home, I was in every part of 282 00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:15.600 me hollowed out. I barely remembered pulling into our corroach. 283 00:13:16.399 --> 00:13:18.679 The next morning, I sat at our kitchen table, trying 284 00:13:18.679 --> 00:13:21.519 to gleim myself back together. I could hear Lucas singing 285 00:13:21.559 --> 00:13:23.279 the first lines of an old song in the shower, 286 00:13:23.399 --> 00:13:26.600 voice sweet and distant. I opened my laptop and searched 287 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:30.000 for Jenna on social media, heart pounding. It wasn't hard. 288 00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:32.639 She was tagged with Lucas and a dozen photos, office events, 289 00:13:32.840 --> 00:13:35.600 rooftop parties, even a day trip to the Botanical Garden. 290 00:13:36.120 --> 00:13:39.519 Always his hand strayed to her shoulder, al waist, smiles, 291 00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:42.360 broad eyes, locked in a world apart all the team 292 00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:45.120 events Lucas had claimed not to remember, each one perfectly, 293 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:48.360 time stamped next to evenings I'd spent alone, I messaged 294 00:13:48.399 --> 00:13:51.919 Jenna on impulse. Hi, I saw you tagged with Lucas 295 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:54.120 and some folders. How do you know him? It was 296 00:13:54.159 --> 00:13:57.320 the most innocuous note I could manage. She rebied within 297 00:13:57.360 --> 00:13:59.120 half an hour. Ha ha, yep. We met at the 298 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:02.519 Big Klein pitcher Cup months ago. He's amazing, right, I 299 00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:04.480 actually think he's single. We've been seeing a lot of 300 00:14:04.519 --> 00:14:07.480 each other. Are you two friends? My breath left me 301 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:10.559 in a single burst. I started matching up text time 302 00:14:10.559 --> 00:14:14.320 stems from Lucas's late night excuses with Jenna's photos, concerts, pause, 303 00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:17.120 fairy rides, and every story Lucas had told me. Dissolved. 304 00:14:17.159 --> 00:14:20.200 The evidence so clear, so binding, there was no confusion, 305 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:24.039 not any more. Maybe, I screamed, Maybe I just shook, 306 00:14:24.120 --> 00:14:28.120 leaking slow tears into my sleeves. I don't remember. I 307 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:29.879 only know that every safe thing I thought I had 308 00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:32.679 everything I'd built myself around, suddenly felt like inside joke. 309 00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:34.720 I was the last to get, and the worst was 310 00:14:34.759 --> 00:14:38.080 still to come. I sat there, staring at Jenna's profile picture, 311 00:14:38.080 --> 00:14:40.320 her face so familiar now, the settings in her photos 312 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.960 searchingly recognizable, and thought about how much I didn't know. 313 00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:46.039 I thought about the lefter i'd heard behind the bathroom door, 314 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:48.799 the softness in Lucas's voice when he thought I was asleep. 315 00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:51.639 I thought about the way his hand so tender on 316 00:14:51.720 --> 00:14:54.840 Jenna's waist, had felt leaden and absent when it found mine. Lately, 317 00:14:55.480 --> 00:14:57.799 I scrolled back through their photos, each knew image, and 318 00:14:57.840 --> 00:14:59.720 not a little pimprick against my skin. The two of 319 00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:02.360 them cuck close at concert, wineglasses aloft that some rooved 320 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:05.200 up a van Lucas's arm always around her, his smiles pride, 321 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:08.000 as I remembered from our first summer together. A coal 322 00:15:08.039 --> 00:15:10.759 clarity took hold of me, a strange surgical detachment that 323 00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:12.919 made it possible to keep breathing, to carefully piece to 324 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:15.200 get the timelines to open every tax exchange and bank 325 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:18.679 stemon and stray receipt. I could find, not even anger, yet, 326 00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:20.519 just a calm before the real storm and need to 327 00:15:20.519 --> 00:15:23.559 be absolutely certain. I counted up the nice Lucas said 328 00:15:23.559 --> 00:15:25.000 he was tied up at work and matched them to 329 00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:27.320 concert tickets. Checked the ten stumps on every ilve this 330 00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:29.240 night that Jenna had posted, and held them up to 331 00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:32.320 Lucas's might be late sorry text to me. So many 332 00:15:32.360 --> 00:15:34.919 little lies, so many details, bun like silk across the 333 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:37.919 months between us. My hands shook as I gathered every 334 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:40.039 scrap approof of my phone, the print outs from Jenna's 335 00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:43.080 social media, the ticket stubs and receipts, screenshots of search 336 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:45.720 histories and texts, even the faint perfume I could still 337 00:15:45.720 --> 00:15:48.200 smell on his jacket. I made a pile at the 338 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:50.919 center of the kitchen table. It was messy, but it 339 00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:53.720 was enough. All of it was enough to annihilate doubt. 340 00:15:54.360 --> 00:15:56.519 All day, I played out the confrontation in my mind, 341 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.039 never really able to settle on what exactly I would say. 342 00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:03.279 My heart loop through stages devastation, a sharp shame, sharp anger, 343 00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:07.440 then cold numbness. At some point, Lucas texted picking up groceries, 344 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:11.200 need anything? I answered no, almost dizzy with the fact 345 00:16:11.240 --> 00:16:12.840 that a week ago this would have been an ordinary 346 00:16:12.919 --> 00:16:16.120 loving message, all the while my mind reeled from the 347 00:16:16.120 --> 00:16:20.080 new reality of overhead sneers, stolen touches, careful delutions. He 348 00:16:20.120 --> 00:16:23.080 got home half past six. The apartment was gray in 349 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:25.240 this slanting light, the table set stage like, with every 350 00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:28.639 fragment of evidence placed carefully in the center. Lucas walked in, 351 00:16:28.840 --> 00:16:30.840 slipping off his shoes, humming as though nothing in the 352 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:33.559 world was wrong. He stopped short in the kitchen, taking 353 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:35.919 in the stacks, photos, notes, tickets, my face pale and 354 00:16:35.960 --> 00:16:38.679 still on the other side. He didn't speak at first. 355 00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:42.159 I could see in that second the calculation behind his eyes. 356 00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:44.639 He was reeling, sifting for plausible stories, just like he 357 00:16:44.679 --> 00:16:47.679 had for weeks. His instinct was to close off. I 358 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:51.159 could see it instantly, the blank face, the shallow breath, Sophie, 359 00:16:51.159 --> 00:16:54.399 he said, voice trembling ever so slightly. What is all this? 360 00:16:55.279 --> 00:16:57.879 I wrapped my arms around myself, told myself to keep breathing. 361 00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:00.799 I need you to tell me the truth, because about Jenna, 362 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:03.720 about all of this, I gestured to the pole between us. 363 00:17:04.440 --> 00:17:07.559 Don't lie, just tell me, he tried at first. Of course, 364 00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:09.160 the way people do when the first shot is not 365 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:12.000 as direct as they feared. If Jenna's just a colleague, 366 00:17:12.119 --> 00:17:15.519 he said, almost breezy. We've been working on this new project. 367 00:17:15.559 --> 00:17:18.000 You know, things have been crazy. His eyes flickered to 368 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:20.640 the photos, the social media prints, the restaurant receipt, treating 369 00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:23.039 the evidence in real time. Seeing his careful wall of 370 00:17:23.079 --> 00:17:27.160 stories humble, I nodded, So you're telling me nothing's going on. 371 00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:31.640 You expect me to believe that. My voice cracked because, Lucas, 372 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:33.599 I know where you were last night. I know what 373 00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:36.000 perfume was on your jacket. I know what's on your phone. 374 00:17:36.039 --> 00:17:38.000 You were with her. Jenna thinks you're single. She's posed 375 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:40.440 dozens of photos with you. I've matched the times, the DIDs. 376 00:17:40.440 --> 00:17:42.400 Every time you said you were at work, you were 377 00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:44.839 with her. Your lies don't work any more. He stared 378 00:17:44.839 --> 00:17:48.559 at me, looking so defeated, mouth working soundlessly. When he spoke, 379 00:17:48.640 --> 00:17:50.359 it was as if he dropped some great, heavy thing 380 00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:53.440 he carried too long. It wasn't supposed to get this far, Sophie. 381 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:55.359 I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't plan any 382 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:57.839 of this. I swear to god. It just happened with Jenna. 383 00:17:57.920 --> 00:17:59.960 I've felt seen there's been so much pressure at working. 384 00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:02.200 She she just got She made me feel alive again. 385 00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:06.240 The word carve fresh wounds. So what you just forgot? 386 00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:09.000 We exist? He just forgot our life. I could feel 387 00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:11.880 he flush at my throat. How Aunt, Lucas, how long 388 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:15.799 has this been happening? He looked at his shoes. Since March, 389 00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:19.160 the pitch team trip, after the promotion. Everything felt off, 390 00:18:19.160 --> 00:18:20.720 And then I met her and I messed up. I 391 00:18:20.720 --> 00:18:22.359 swear to you, I didn't mean for it to happen. 392 00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:25.799 My hands were fists at my sides. You chose her 393 00:18:25.960 --> 00:18:28.000 every single time you walked at that door, every time 394 00:18:28.039 --> 00:18:29.799 you lie to my face. Was I just practiced for 395 00:18:29.880 --> 00:18:32.319 this for when things got hard. He shook his head, 396 00:18:32.359 --> 00:18:35.920 tis brimming in his eyes. Now, no, Sophie, No, you're 397 00:18:35.960 --> 00:18:38.200 everything to me. I just I got lost. I was 398 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:41.279 stupid and selfish. I'm so so sorry. The fight in 399 00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:44.039 me cracked. All I could manage was a horse. He 400 00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:47.079 broke us. Nothing you say fixes that. He tried again, 401 00:18:47.160 --> 00:18:49.640