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Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, that is north Amuse

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No More with your host, doctor and evangelist Kay I'm Rich.

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Hope you to admit what you feel in order to

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heal from the facts of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings

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you Matterhi, everyone, welcome to north Amuse No More on

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this Wednesday, January the seventh, of twenty twenty six. I

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pray that you're having a blessed, stress free, narcissistic free,

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abuse free weeks so far, and that the remainder of

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this week will continue to be so as well. But

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if not, we're gonna be talking about a few things today. Again.

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My name is doctor ko Rich and we are just

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happy to be with you during this new year. I

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pray that you are not dealing with any narcissists in

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your life, but if you are, then we're gonna be

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talking about it. Yes we are now. We took a

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break last year. We had been running seven years and

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so we took a break last year. But this year

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we're coming back. Come on out. We're coming back nice

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and strong this year. So make sure that you take

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a moment to share these podcasts. That's right. If these

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podcasts are being beneficial to you. Please take a moment

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to press the share button so that others may get

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the valuable information that you are receiving. All right, what

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are we talking about today? We are talking about gas

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lighting gas lighting. Now last week or it's not last

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week on Monday, because we're here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Monday,

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Wednesday and Friday. So on Monday, we talked about some

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glossary terms that you need to know, some glossary terminology

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that' say glossary okay, yeah, anyway, some narcissistic terminology that

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you need to know when you're dealing with narcissists. If

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you familiarize yourself with certain terms and know what they mean,

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then you can recognize when those things are being done

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to you. Because guess what, narcissists have a nasty little

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toolbox that they use, and it's full of their nasty

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little things that they do in order to get under

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your skin. But when you realize it, then you can

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counteract it. Okay, you can build up that guard to

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know what you're dealing with. So one of the things

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that we discussed briefly but we're gonna go into depth

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today is gas lighting. Gas lighting how to recognize someone

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that is being manipulative in gas lighting you in a

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relationship today. We're taking this from Psychology Today. Psychology Today

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eleven warning signs of gas lighting. And like the way

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that they have broken this down, because we're gonna go

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over this so you can understand exactly what gas lighting is.

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So what is gas lighting? Gas Lighting's attacked it. It's

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a tool and the narcissist arsenal that makes you doubt

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your reality. Okay, so basically, basically, when something happens, the

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narcissist will make you think that it did not happen.

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All right, let me use an example of I see

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the sky is blue, but theist is gonna tell you, no,

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it is red. Now, you honestly see the sky is blue,

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but the narcissist wants you to believe that the sky

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is red. So therefore, this is where what gaslighting is

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to make you doubt your reality. It's a manipulative tool

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that undermines your perception, okay, your perception of what reality is.

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All right. They don't tend to recognize that this is

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a manipulative text. I think that they loved to use.

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But this is something that you must be aware of

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that they do. So we're going to talk about this again.

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As I mentioned on the last on the last broad

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podcast rather podcast, is that this term is taken from

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the movie Gaslight and gas Like the movie was made

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in the nineteen parties. It'd be nice if they make

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an updated version of that. But the movie was made

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in the nineteen parties, and I think they made a

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couple renditions of it. But basically, this husband, this manipulative husband,

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this murderous husband, had committed he actually committed murder and

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killed this old elderly woman and then went and married

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her niece who had inherited the lady's possessions, and the

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niece was not aware that her husband was the one

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that had killed her aunt. Make a loan story short.

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You can watch the movie, but make a long story short.

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He started doing a lot of manipulative things in the marriage.

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He was trying to drive her insane because if he

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was able to commit her to an insane asylum, the asylum,

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then he would be able to have control of the fortune. Okay,

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so basically he was, uh, he'll make her. He would

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move pictures around where she'd think of she thought the

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picture was on the wall, but then suddenly it disappears

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her keys was maybe be on the table, but then

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he'll move the keys and make her think she was crazy. Now,

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where the gas part come in is that during that

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time they were using gas lights, so the gas lights

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were flickering. He would be in the I think it

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was the basement. He was looking for something dealing with money,

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and the lights while he was looking the gas lights

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would be flickering, so she's thinking she's going crazy. But

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not to give the spaller, but it's an old movie.

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So anyway, he wind up being busted. Okay, So basically,

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when you're dealing with a gas lighter, they do things,

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but then they make you feel like you're crazy for

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calling attention to it. So number one unawareness gas lighters.

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Those narcissists often lack self awareness and do not recognize

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their manipulative behavior, or should I say, they choose not

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to recognize their manipulative behavior. They blame others, they do

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not they never take responsibility for their actions. So basically

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you are wasting your time even trying to have a

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constructive dialogue with them to make them acknowledge that their

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action is harmful, that their action is wrong because they

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will not receive it. They will not accept it. They

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will blame it on you. But they fail to actually

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look at themselves and see the harm that they're doing.

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Number two too willingness to initiate contact or lose it.

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So gas lighters, they seek out relationships because they need

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somebody to manipulate. Okay, they gotta have somebody in their

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life that they can manipulate. And one thing that you

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want to be very careful of in the beginning with

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the narcissists is they're very charming. Okay, they they have

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a superficial respect for their victims. But once they feel

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like they've settled into then the mask comes off, all right,

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So be careful of the charm. Narcissists are very charming.

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Most people that are dealing with the narcissists in the beginning,

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they will tell you that this person was not the

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person that they met in the beginning, all right. This

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person was not the person that they bought that they

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were getting in the relationship when the relationship started. This

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is because the mask came off once the narcissists felt

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that it was good that they were comfortable with being

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who they are, all right, Then the mask came off,

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all right. So basically they're a chameleon. They are able

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to camouflage, They're able to blend in with the environment

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there of who well where they are at. But then

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eventually they'll turn back to who they are. Number Three,

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sapping of respect. One thing. When you're dealing with gas lighters,

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their respect for the individuals that basically all the targets

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of their manipulation and control and abuse is the respect diminishes.

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So therefore they will treat you with disrespect, okay, because

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they do not have any respect for you within the relationship.

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This is why it's so important and I'm gonna talk

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talk about this on another podcast. To set boundaries, all right,

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because you teach people how to treat you by what

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you allow them to do to you. And sometimes it's

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easy to forget. I have forgotten, okay, and I know this,

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but I have forgotten. Sometimes you get caught up and

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you forget, you know what, I am dealing with a

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manipulative person, And you have to set those boundaries and

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you get that wake up call. Okay, I forgot, I forgot.

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I'm dealing with a narcissist. So therefore I gotta go

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back to home base and set them boundaries. You will

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not treat me any kind of way. You will not

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talk to me any kind of way. You will not

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disrespect me. If you cannot follow these boundaries, then guess what.

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We're gonna have an issue. And therefore we will not

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be in any type of relationship together because I have

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to set my boundaries, all right. Number four violation of agreements.

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Gas lighters break agreements to test personal boundaries and a

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cerin control. So if you think that a gas lighter

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is gonna keep their word, they're more than more likely

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than not they're not. Okay, they will not keep their word.

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And on top of that, when you call attention to it,

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they will turn it on you. They will go back

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to eighteen sixty seven and try to pull up some

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jump that they think can help them to win their

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case when you are addressing them about their bad behavior

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or about some promise that they had made to you

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and did not keep. All right, So therefore, let me

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just say this, when it comes to obligations, they don't

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respect their obligations. Okay, if you draw attention to it,

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where hey, you were supposed to do this, or you

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said you were going to do this or whether we

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can be They will flip the script and make it

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seem as if you cause them to break their word.

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All right, now, they the one that made it. They

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the one that was supposed to do it. They were

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the ones that were supposed to be obligated to do whatever.

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But they will flip the script on you and make

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it seem as if you are the problem. This is

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what you call gas lighting. They never take responsibility for

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their own actions. And when you draw attention to it,

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do not think when you're dealing with the narcissist, do

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not think they're gonna say, oh, you know what, I'm sorry, Yeah,

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you're right, you know what, Please forgive me wrong answer?

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That will never come out their mouth. Okay, The only

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tell of narcissist, if they give you a half apology

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will be because there is something in it for them,

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all right, but it's not genuine at all. Number five

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in position of improvised new rules, gas lighters impose their

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own rules within a relationship, and they disregard with your

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boundaries or your values. So basically they and they make

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you uncomfortable in the relationship. They want to have dominance,

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They want to have control They want to assert their

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own authority over you, but they do not want to

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respect your boundaries, your values, what things mean to you.

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So when you're dealing with a narcissist, they will cause

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you to have low self esteem if you allow them. Okay,

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they do not. They do not allow you to have boundaries.

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They do not respect your boundaries. This is why it's

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so important to set your boundaries and say once they

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break this, then that's it. You have to assert control

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over your own life. If you don't, the narcissists will

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walk all over you and then they leave you scratching

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your head like, what in the world just happened here?

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It's because you're dealing with a narcissist and this is

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a form of gas lighting. They assert their own truth,

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but they don't think about what they do to you.

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We're going to take a quick break and we'll be

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back in just a moment, and.

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Speaker 2: My first spend.

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Speaker 3: All the way I do.

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Speaker 2: Actually write the store all I need to say.

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Speaker 4: Then this fable morning, the whole day has stage the moment,

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my son, it's all night.

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Speaker 2: He sip ship.

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Speaker 3: Stay give you.

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Speaker 4: Boos.

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Speaker 2: That's so much cool, I mee.

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Speaker 1: And wild smile shin woman.

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Speaker 2: The ship.

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Speaker 3: They so didn't say we did.

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Speaker 2: That.

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Speaker 1: Maybe don't come, so.

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Speaker 3: Don't go. Then I said the moment.

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Speaker 4: The roof come.

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Speaker 1: Myself, crazy love cry.

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Speaker 3: Cry, I'm gonna do any.

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Speaker 2: But who is? And I'm saying yes.

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Speaker 3: And I told us that.

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Speaker 4: Take out, don't tell the shop put something to shoot away.

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Speaker 1: And that is addictive love. Bye baby and C C wining, Yes,

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addictive love. You know what the love that we need

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to have that's addictive is addicted to Christ. Come on now,

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the Bible says, and John three six team for God

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so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son,

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that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have

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ever lasting life. That's the love that we need to

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be addicted to. And you know what the thing is

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is that many people don't even know what love is.

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We often have searched for love in all the wrong places,

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and Jesus is saying, hey, I'm right here, I'm right here.

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I love you. I will never leave you nor forsake you.

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Speaker 4: I love you.

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Speaker 1: See, we leave him, but he doesn't leave us. And

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oftentimes we find ourselves in these narcissistic relationships. Song we

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were born into and others we invited in. But guess

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what Jesus is, the healer of our souls? Come on now.

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Number six, Regular and persistent manipulation. Gas Lighting behavior becomes

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a regular occurrence in the relationship as the gas lighter

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tends to dominate the victim's life. You doubt your own perceptions.

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You're you're having to always have your values undermined, your

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self conscious your self confidence has gone down the toilet,

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all right, So this is a sign that you have

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been gas lit in the relationship. You're having self doubt.

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You feel as welf, Maybe I can't do anything right

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because this is what the narcissists make you think, is

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that you know what, Nothing is ever good enough. When

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you're in the relationship with the narcissists, they dominate you

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so much that nothing is ever good enough. You can

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give the narcissis a million dollars, they'll come back within

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the next hour and say, you don't do nothing for me.

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You ain't never did nothing for me. They want to

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gas like you to make sure that to make sure

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that you know or think that your best is never

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good enough. Who wants to be in a relationship like that?

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It's total crap. It's not good. It doesn't feel good.

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Come on, now, you're in this relationship and you always

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feeling like I'm I'm at a negative balance in this relationship. Okay,

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you're you're constantly putting in you, you're putting deposits, but

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you're always feeling as that I'm in a negative because

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when it comes to the narcissist, you're never good enough.

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Let me just say this, Never get your validation from

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a nark Okay, never get your validation from a narcissist.

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All right, we say nark on here. That means narcissists. Okay,

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never get your validation from a narcissist, because if you

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think that they're going to allow you to feel good

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about yourself, I don't care what you accomplish in life.

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They they may give you a temporary praise rug only

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to sweep it and actually pull it from up under you.

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Let me repeat that, They will give you a temporary

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praise rug only to pull it from underneath you. So

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you don't get your validation from your abuser. Don't do it.

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It's a sense of control. It's you will never be

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good enough in the eyes of the narcissist. Number seven,

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the discrediting the victim's perception. Discrediting the victim's perception. So

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gas lighters like to use phrases that undermine your perception. Okay,

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they're very dismissive. They invalidate your reality. Okay, they want

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you to believe they're twisted. You know the truth when

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you know what the truth is. But by the time

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that they get done with you, you're not sure if

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it's in your mind or if they're actually right. But

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let me just say this, this is part of the

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manipulative game that the narcissists play. They will use, abuse, misuse,

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and throw you out with the garbage. You do not

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have to subject yourself to being abused by a narcissist

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once you recognize that you're dealing with the narcissists. Okay, Now,

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when you talk about narcissistic personality disorder, you're actually for

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those who may have it. They actually will have to

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get professionally diagnosed by a licensed therapist, counsel or whatever.

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But the thing is, you can recognize those traits. Okay,

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once you become familiar with the character, theoristics of those

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type of individuals, then you can decide how you want

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to go about rather it's low contact, no contact, limited contact,

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or how you're going to deal with it, because that's

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up to you to decide what's the best method for

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you to use. Once you become familiar with how they

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play the game. While you're playing checkers, the narcissists playing chess,

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and they have calculated every move, So you have to

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be up on your game because actually it's a game

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to them. Number eight erosion of self confidence. When you're

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dealing with a gaslider, they aim to erode your self confidence.

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That means that they leave you feeling unsure about yourself,

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feeling dependent on them. Let me just say this, you

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can and you can go and accomplish many awards, you

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can get as many degrees, you can have whatever you've

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done in life that that's satisfying to you, and they

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will spend it make you feel as if you are nothing.

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And then you tend to, if this is someone that's

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close to you, tend to try to always get that validation.

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But what they give, they will take back. That's the thing.

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What they give they will take back, So you wind

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up doubting yourself. You lose your self confidence and it

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doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process, and it's a

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wicked process. It's an evil process. And the thing is,

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it's hard to get that self confidence back when you

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have had it taken from the narcissists. But you can't

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get it back. You can't get it back. You don't

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want to look at yourself in the eyes of the narcissists.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 1: Oftentimes when a computer might stall on you, it frees

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up and sometimes we have to press control all delete.

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That means that we have to reboot the system. Well,

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guess what when you have been involved with an abuser,

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a narcissist, And let me just say this, abuse take

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many forms. Abuse is not always physical.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 1: Oftentimes people feel like, oh, if you're not being hit on,

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then you're not being abused. No, that's not true. Abuse

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is physical. It could be emotional. It could be verbal,

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it could be sexual, it could be financial, it could

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be spiritual. There's various types of abuse. Now when you're

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dealing with narcissists, you have multiple layers of abuse that

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you may be dealing with verbal, spirit financial, some people sexual,

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you know, because the narcissist wants to control you and

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it's not a normal thing. It's not a loving thing.

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You think, oh, this person loves me. Narcissists don't really

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know how to love. They're they're they're they're they're sort

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of love. They're sort of love. Their type of love

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is twisted. They don't know what true love is. Number nine,

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Words are powerless. Actions are stronger. Gas lighters are more

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responsive to the consequences and actions than words. If you

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you know, if you tell someone, oh, you're narcissists, that

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doesn't do anything to them, Okay, But what you can

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do is your actions. You know, I can show you

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better than I can tell you. Okay, your actions when

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you cut off contact with them, that's that's standing your ground,

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all right. When you decide I'm not gonna take that

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abuse no more, that's standing your ground. Your actions show

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way more. It has way more power than your words.

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See what the narcissists, you go back and forth, back

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and forth, back and forth, and you never win the

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argument because they will never let you win, all right,

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So by the time you get done arguing with them,

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then they they've gotten their narcissistic supply basically a rise

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out of getting the argument with you, and then they

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like see see, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

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I mean, yeah, it's really horrific how they operate. But

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once you learn to set your boundaries, once you learn

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to be assertive, once you say, you know what, nark

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abuse no more. I am not going to put up

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with your abuse. It doesn't matter who it is, a

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family member, a church member, a coworker, a neighbor, a stranger,

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whoever it is. You have to set boundaries to say,

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you know what, I've had enough of this stuff. I

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am not gonna put up with your abuse anymore. Number

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ten excusing their behavior gas lighters? Gas lighters? Are they

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have deep issues? Now? Some of these issues the reason

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they're like they are because they've dealt with some psychological

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issues from their past. They may have been abused early

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on in life, they may have had a traumatic experience,

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they may have had a dominant parent themselves. They may

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have gone through some sexual issues, are molest anything. But

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the thing is, when they have gone through these issues,

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guess what they need to get help? Okay, because hurt

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people hurt other people. If you have not been healed,

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and guess what, you are more likely to hurt somebody

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else because you have not been healed yourself. But let

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me just say this, this is not a reason for

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someone to abuse. So never excuse the abuse of another individual.

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You are not at fault for what happened to that person,

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but you can make sure that it doesn't happen to you.

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So when we're talking about gas lighters and the abuse,

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you don't want to excuse their behavior. You know, oftentimes

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when a lot of people are dealing with abuse, they say, oh, well,

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you know, they had a hard childhood, they had it

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rough in life, they didn't have this, they didn't have that. Okay,

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mind you, that may be some contributing factors for why

387
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they act the way they do, but at the end

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of the day, it does not give them the right

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to do it to you. So, therefore, if you are

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dealing with anger issues because you had an abusive alcoholic

391
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father or abusive mother or somebody else or uncle or

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someone in your life that did it to you, guess

393
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what that should be the more reason you go get

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help so that you won't do it to someone else.

395
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Don't excuse their behavior and don't allow them to use

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it as an excuse for what they're doing to you last,

397
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but not least number eleven, preventing one from seeking therapeutic support.

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The gaslighter will try to prevent their victim from seeking

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support because because they want you to feel alone and isolated.

400
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They feel if you have a support system. Oh, they

401
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don't want you to have a support system. They definitely

402
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,759
don't want you to be around anyone who will call

403
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them out on their abuse or help you to be

404
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stronger so that you will not take abuse from them.

405
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But the best thing you can do is to have

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healthy relationships with other people, so other people can give

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you that support to remind you, Hey, you know where

408
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you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and I know that

409
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full well. That's what the word says. Everyone needs someone.

410
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We were not meant to be on an island by ourselves.

411
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Everyone needs a support system. And one thing that the

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narcissists will try to do is to isolate you from

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other people. We talked about triangulation the other day, where

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they triangulate you make you feel as if everyone's against

415
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you and it's you against the world and everyone's on

416
00:34:18,519 --> 00:34:25,840
the side of the narcissist. That's not true. There are

417
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people that will empathize with you. They will be understanding,

418
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they will be kind, they will be caring, and it

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will be genuine. One thing that is so important for

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us to do is when you're talking about discernment, ask

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the Lord for a discernment. He's the one that gives

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us discernment. It's so important for us to know and

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be intentional on the relationships that we enter into. You know,

424
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I believe in asking God. It's it's a person that

425
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I need to invest in for us. When I'm talking

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about invests, I'm talking about my time, my emotions, my heart.

427
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You know, the Bible tells us to guard our hearts. Well,

428
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is this a person that I need to get involved

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with with? And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships,

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I'm talking about just friendships.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: Is this a person that I need to be associated

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affiliated with? Is this a job I need to be

434
00:35:27,519 --> 00:35:29,679
affiliated with? Is this a church I need to be

435
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,000
affiliated with? Because guess what, you got a whole bunch

436
00:35:32,039 --> 00:35:36,280
of narcissist in today's poor pits in the pews, in

437
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,360
the choir stands directing. Come on, now, it's not just

438
00:35:40,519 --> 00:35:45,039
limited to the secular realm. This is also in the church,

439
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,199
but it's up to you to decide. You know what,

440
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:55,159
I'm not gonna take it anymore, and I am going

441
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to do what I need to do to help me

442
00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:03,800
help yourself. And if you need to go to therapy,

443
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go group therapy, go counselor go whoever can help you

444
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to be the person that you want to be. All Right,

445
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:19,480
we are about it here. I pray to today's podcast

446
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has been a blessing to you and that you would

447
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know that your feelings do matter. This is doctor ko

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00:36:27,400 --> 00:37:02,199
Rich would knock if you snowboard until next times