Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, that is north Amuse
No More with your host, doctor and evangelist Kay I'm Rich.
Hope you to admit what you feel in order to
heal from the facts of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings
you Matterhi, everyone, welcome to north Amuse No More on
this Wednesday, January the seventh, of twenty twenty six. I
pray that you're having a blessed, stress free, narcissistic free,
abuse free weeks so far, and that the remainder of
this week will continue to be so as well. But
if not, we're gonna be talking about a few things today. Again.
My name is doctor ko Rich and we are just
happy to be with you during this new year. I
pray that you are not dealing with any narcissists in
your life, but if you are, then we're gonna be
talking about it. Yes we are now. We took a
break last year. We had been running seven years and
so we took a break last year. But this year
we're coming back. Come on out. We're coming back nice
and strong this year. So make sure that you take
a moment to share these podcasts. That's right. If these
podcasts are being beneficial to you. Please take a moment
to press the share button so that others may get
the valuable information that you are receiving. All right, what
are we talking about today? We are talking about gas
lighting gas lighting. Now last week or it's not last
week on Monday, because we're here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Monday,
Wednesday and Friday. So on Monday, we talked about some
glossary terms that you need to know, some glossary terminology
that' say glossary okay, yeah, anyway, some narcissistic terminology that
you need to know when you're dealing with narcissists. If
you familiarize yourself with certain terms and know what they mean,
then you can recognize when those things are being done
to you. Because guess what, narcissists have a nasty little
toolbox that they use, and it's full of their nasty
little things that they do in order to get under
your skin. But when you realize it, then you can
counteract it. Okay, you can build up that guard to
know what you're dealing with. So one of the things
that we discussed briefly but we're gonna go into depth
today is gas lighting. Gas lighting how to recognize someone
that is being manipulative in gas lighting you in a
relationship today. We're taking this from Psychology Today. Psychology Today
eleven warning signs of gas lighting. And like the way
that they have broken this down, because we're gonna go
over this so you can understand exactly what gas lighting is.
So what is gas lighting? Gas Lighting's attacked it. It's
a tool and the narcissist arsenal that makes you doubt
your reality. Okay, so basically, basically, when something happens, the
narcissist will make you think that it did not happen.
All right, let me use an example of I see
the sky is blue, but theist is gonna tell you, no,
it is red. Now, you honestly see the sky is blue,
but the narcissist wants you to believe that the sky
is red. So therefore, this is where what gaslighting is
to make you doubt your reality. It's a manipulative tool
that undermines your perception, okay, your perception of what reality is.
All right. They don't tend to recognize that this is
a manipulative text. I think that they loved to use.
But this is something that you must be aware of
that they do. So we're going to talk about this again.
As I mentioned on the last on the last broad
podcast rather podcast, is that this term is taken from
the movie Gaslight and gas Like the movie was made
in the nineteen parties. It'd be nice if they make
an updated version of that. But the movie was made
in the nineteen parties, and I think they made a
couple renditions of it. But basically, this husband, this manipulative husband,
this murderous husband, had committed he actually committed murder and
killed this old elderly woman and then went and married
her niece who had inherited the lady's possessions, and the
niece was not aware that her husband was the one
that had killed her aunt. Make a loan story short.
You can watch the movie, but make a long story short.
He started doing a lot of manipulative things in the marriage.
He was trying to drive her insane because if he
was able to commit her to an insane asylum, the asylum,
then he would be able to have control of the fortune. Okay,
so basically he was, uh, he'll make her. He would
move pictures around where she'd think of she thought the
picture was on the wall, but then suddenly it disappears
her keys was maybe be on the table, but then
he'll move the keys and make her think she was crazy. Now,
where the gas part come in is that during that
time they were using gas lights, so the gas lights
were flickering. He would be in the I think it
was the basement. He was looking for something dealing with money,
and the lights while he was looking the gas lights
would be flickering, so she's thinking she's going crazy. But
not to give the spaller, but it's an old movie.
So anyway, he wind up being busted. Okay, So basically,
when you're dealing with a gas lighter, they do things,
but then they make you feel like you're crazy for
calling attention to it. So number one unawareness gas lighters.
Those narcissists often lack self awareness and do not recognize
their manipulative behavior, or should I say, they choose not
to recognize their manipulative behavior. They blame others, they do
not they never take responsibility for their actions. So basically
you are wasting your time even trying to have a
constructive dialogue with them to make them acknowledge that their
action is harmful, that their action is wrong because they
will not receive it. They will not accept it. They
will blame it on you. But they fail to actually
look at themselves and see the harm that they're doing.
Number two too willingness to initiate contact or lose it.
So gas lighters, they seek out relationships because they need
somebody to manipulate. Okay, they gotta have somebody in their
life that they can manipulate. And one thing that you
want to be very careful of in the beginning with
the narcissists is they're very charming. Okay, they they have
a superficial respect for their victims. But once they feel
like they've settled into then the mask comes off, all right,
So be careful of the charm. Narcissists are very charming.
Most people that are dealing with the narcissists in the beginning,
they will tell you that this person was not the
person that they met in the beginning, all right. This
person was not the person that they bought that they
were getting in the relationship when the relationship started. This
is because the mask came off once the narcissists felt
that it was good that they were comfortable with being
who they are, all right, Then the mask came off,
all right. So basically they're a chameleon. They are able
to camouflage, They're able to blend in with the environment
there of who well where they are at. But then
eventually they'll turn back to who they are. Number Three,
sapping of respect. One thing. When you're dealing with gas lighters,
their respect for the individuals that basically all the targets
of their manipulation and control and abuse is the respect diminishes.
So therefore they will treat you with disrespect, okay, because
they do not have any respect for you within the relationship.
This is why it's so important and I'm gonna talk
talk about this on another podcast. To set boundaries, all right,
because you teach people how to treat you by what
you allow them to do to you. And sometimes it's
easy to forget. I have forgotten, okay, and I know this,
but I have forgotten. Sometimes you get caught up and
you forget, you know what, I am dealing with a
manipulative person, And you have to set those boundaries and
you get that wake up call. Okay, I forgot, I forgot.
I'm dealing with a narcissist. So therefore I gotta go
back to home base and set them boundaries. You will
not treat me any kind of way. You will not
talk to me any kind of way. You will not
disrespect me. If you cannot follow these boundaries, then guess what.
We're gonna have an issue. And therefore we will not
be in any type of relationship together because I have
to set my boundaries, all right. Number four violation of agreements.
Gas lighters break agreements to test personal boundaries and a
cerin control. So if you think that a gas lighter
is gonna keep their word, they're more than more likely
than not they're not. Okay, they will not keep their word.
And on top of that, when you call attention to it,
they will turn it on you. They will go back
to eighteen sixty seven and try to pull up some
jump that they think can help them to win their
case when you are addressing them about their bad behavior
or about some promise that they had made to you
and did not keep. All right, So therefore, let me
just say this, when it comes to obligations, they don't
respect their obligations. Okay, if you draw attention to it,
where hey, you were supposed to do this, or you
said you were going to do this or whether we
can be They will flip the script and make it
seem as if you cause them to break their word.
All right, now, they the one that made it. They
the one that was supposed to do it. They were
the ones that were supposed to be obligated to do whatever.
But they will flip the script on you and make
it seem as if you are the problem. This is
what you call gas lighting. They never take responsibility for
their own actions. And when you draw attention to it,
do not think when you're dealing with the narcissist, do
not think they're gonna say, oh, you know what, I'm sorry, Yeah,
you're right, you know what, Please forgive me wrong answer?
That will never come out their mouth. Okay, The only
tell of narcissist, if they give you a half apology
will be because there is something in it for them,
all right, but it's not genuine at all. Number five
in position of improvised new rules, gas lighters impose their
own rules within a relationship, and they disregard with your
boundaries or your values. So basically they and they make
you uncomfortable in the relationship. They want to have dominance,
They want to have control They want to assert their
own authority over you, but they do not want to
respect your boundaries, your values, what things mean to you.
So when you're dealing with a narcissist, they will cause
you to have low self esteem if you allow them. Okay,
they do not. They do not allow you to have boundaries.
They do not respect your boundaries. This is why it's
so important to set your boundaries and say once they
break this, then that's it. You have to assert control
over your own life. If you don't, the narcissists will
walk all over you and then they leave you scratching
your head like, what in the world just happened here?
It's because you're dealing with a narcissist and this is
a form of gas lighting. They assert their own truth,
but they don't think about what they do to you.
We're going to take a quick break and we'll be
back in just a moment, and.
Speaker 2: My first spend.
Speaker 3: All the way I do.
Speaker 2: Actually write the store all I need to say.
Speaker 4: Then this fable morning, the whole day has stage the moment,
my son, it's all night.
Speaker 2: He sip ship.
Speaker 3: Stay give you.
Speaker 4: Boos.
Speaker 2: That's so much cool, I mee.
Speaker 1: And wild smile shin woman.
Speaker 2: The ship.
Speaker 3: They so didn't say we did.
Speaker 2: That.
Speaker 1: Maybe don't come, so.
Speaker 3: Don't go. Then I said the moment.
Speaker 4: The roof come.
Speaker 1: Myself, crazy love cry.
Speaker 3: Cry, I'm gonna do any.
Speaker 2: But who is? And I'm saying yes.
Speaker 3: And I told us that.
Speaker 4: Take out, don't tell the shop put something to shoot away.
Speaker 1: And that is addictive love. Bye baby and C C wining, Yes,
addictive love. You know what the love that we need
to have that's addictive is addicted to Christ. Come on now,
the Bible says, and John three six team for God
so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son,
that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have
ever lasting life. That's the love that we need to
be addicted to. And you know what the thing is
is that many people don't even know what love is.
We often have searched for love in all the wrong places,
and Jesus is saying, hey, I'm right here, I'm right here.
I love you. I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Speaker 4: I love you.
Speaker 1: See, we leave him, but he doesn't leave us. And
oftentimes we find ourselves in these narcissistic relationships. Song we
were born into and others we invited in. But guess
what Jesus is, the healer of our souls? Come on now.
Number six, Regular and persistent manipulation. Gas Lighting behavior becomes
a regular occurrence in the relationship as the gas lighter
tends to dominate the victim's life. You doubt your own perceptions.
You're you're having to always have your values undermined, your
self conscious your self confidence has gone down the toilet,
all right, So this is a sign that you have
been gas lit in the relationship. You're having self doubt.
You feel as welf, Maybe I can't do anything right
because this is what the narcissists make you think, is
that you know what, Nothing is ever good enough. When
you're in the relationship with the narcissists, they dominate you
so much that nothing is ever good enough. You can
give the narcissis a million dollars, they'll come back within
the next hour and say, you don't do nothing for me.
You ain't never did nothing for me. They want to
gas like you to make sure that to make sure
that you know or think that your best is never
good enough. Who wants to be in a relationship like that?
It's total crap. It's not good. It doesn't feel good.
Come on, now, you're in this relationship and you always
feeling like I'm I'm at a negative balance in this relationship. Okay,
you're you're constantly putting in you, you're putting deposits, but
you're always feeling as that I'm in a negative because
when it comes to the narcissist, you're never good enough.
Let me just say this, Never get your validation from
a nark Okay, never get your validation from a narcissist.
All right, we say nark on here. That means narcissists. Okay,
never get your validation from a narcissist, because if you
think that they're going to allow you to feel good
about yourself, I don't care what you accomplish in life.
They they may give you a temporary praise rug only
to sweep it and actually pull it from up under you.
Let me repeat that, They will give you a temporary
praise rug only to pull it from underneath you. So
you don't get your validation from your abuser. Don't do it.
It's a sense of control. It's you will never be
good enough in the eyes of the narcissist. Number seven,
the discrediting the victim's perception. Discrediting the victim's perception. So
gas lighters like to use phrases that undermine your perception. Okay,
they're very dismissive. They invalidate your reality. Okay, they want
you to believe they're twisted. You know the truth when
you know what the truth is. But by the time
that they get done with you, you're not sure if
it's in your mind or if they're actually right. But
let me just say this, this is part of the
manipulative game that the narcissists play. They will use, abuse, misuse,
and throw you out with the garbage. You do not
have to subject yourself to being abused by a narcissist
once you recognize that you're dealing with the narcissists. Okay, Now,
when you talk about narcissistic personality disorder, you're actually for
those who may have it. They actually will have to
get professionally diagnosed by a licensed therapist, counsel or whatever.
But the thing is, you can recognize those traits. Okay,
once you become familiar with the character, theoristics of those
type of individuals, then you can decide how you want
to go about rather it's low contact, no contact, limited contact,
or how you're going to deal with it, because that's
up to you to decide what's the best method for
you to use. Once you become familiar with how they
play the game. While you're playing checkers, the narcissists playing chess,
and they have calculated every move, So you have to
be up on your game because actually it's a game
to them. Number eight erosion of self confidence. When you're
dealing with a gaslider, they aim to erode your self confidence.
That means that they leave you feeling unsure about yourself,
feeling dependent on them. Let me just say this, you
can and you can go and accomplish many awards, you
can get as many degrees, you can have whatever you've
done in life that that's satisfying to you, and they
will spend it make you feel as if you are nothing.
And then you tend to, if this is someone that's
close to you, tend to try to always get that validation.
But what they give, they will take back. That's the thing.
What they give they will take back, So you wind
up doubting yourself. You lose your self confidence and it
doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process, and it's a
wicked process. It's an evil process. And the thing is,
it's hard to get that self confidence back when you
have had it taken from the narcissists. But you can't
get it back. You can't get it back. You don't
want to look at yourself in the eyes of the narcissists.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: Oftentimes when a computer might stall on you, it frees
up and sometimes we have to press control all delete.
That means that we have to reboot the system. Well,
guess what when you have been involved with an abuser,
a narcissist, And let me just say this, abuse take
many forms. Abuse is not always physical.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: Oftentimes people feel like, oh, if you're not being hit on,
then you're not being abused. No, that's not true. Abuse
is physical. It could be emotional. It could be verbal,
it could be sexual, it could be financial, it could
be spiritual. There's various types of abuse. Now when you're
dealing with narcissists, you have multiple layers of abuse that
you may be dealing with verbal, spirit financial, some people sexual,
you know, because the narcissist wants to control you and
it's not a normal thing. It's not a loving thing.
You think, oh, this person loves me. Narcissists don't really
know how to love. They're they're they're they're they're sort
of love. They're sort of love. Their type of love
is twisted. They don't know what true love is. Number nine,
Words are powerless. Actions are stronger. Gas lighters are more
responsive to the consequences and actions than words. If you
you know, if you tell someone, oh, you're narcissists, that
doesn't do anything to them, Okay, But what you can
do is your actions. You know, I can show you
better than I can tell you. Okay, your actions when
you cut off contact with them, that's that's standing your ground,
all right. When you decide I'm not gonna take that
abuse no more, that's standing your ground. Your actions show
way more. It has way more power than your words.
See what the narcissists, you go back and forth, back
and forth, back and forth, and you never win the
argument because they will never let you win, all right,
So by the time you get done arguing with them,
then they they've gotten their narcissistic supply basically a rise
out of getting the argument with you, and then they
like see see, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.
I mean, yeah, it's really horrific how they operate. But
once you learn to set your boundaries, once you learn
to be assertive, once you say, you know what, nark
abuse no more. I am not going to put up
with your abuse. It doesn't matter who it is, a
family member, a church member, a coworker, a neighbor, a stranger,
whoever it is. You have to set boundaries to say,
you know what, I've had enough of this stuff. I
am not gonna put up with your abuse anymore. Number
ten excusing their behavior gas lighters? Gas lighters? Are they
have deep issues? Now? Some of these issues the reason
they're like they are because they've dealt with some psychological
issues from their past. They may have been abused early
on in life, they may have had a traumatic experience,
they may have had a dominant parent themselves. They may
have gone through some sexual issues, are molest anything. But
the thing is, when they have gone through these issues,
guess what they need to get help? Okay, because hurt
people hurt other people. If you have not been healed,
and guess what, you are more likely to hurt somebody
else because you have not been healed yourself. But let
me just say this, this is not a reason for
someone to abuse. So never excuse the abuse of another individual.
You are not at fault for what happened to that person,
but you can make sure that it doesn't happen to you.
So when we're talking about gas lighters and the abuse,
you don't want to excuse their behavior. You know, oftentimes
when a lot of people are dealing with abuse, they say, oh, well,
you know, they had a hard childhood, they had it
rough in life, they didn't have this, they didn't have that. Okay,
mind you, that may be some contributing factors for why
they act the way they do, but at the end
of the day, it does not give them the right
to do it to you. So, therefore, if you are
dealing with anger issues because you had an abusive alcoholic
father or abusive mother or somebody else or uncle or
someone in your life that did it to you, guess
what that should be the more reason you go get
help so that you won't do it to someone else.
Don't excuse their behavior and don't allow them to use
it as an excuse for what they're doing to you last,
but not least number eleven, preventing one from seeking therapeutic support.
The gaslighter will try to prevent their victim from seeking
support because because they want you to feel alone and isolated.
They feel if you have a support system. Oh, they
don't want you to have a support system. They definitely
don't want you to be around anyone who will call
them out on their abuse or help you to be
stronger so that you will not take abuse from them.
But the best thing you can do is to have
healthy relationships with other people, so other people can give
you that support to remind you, Hey, you know where
you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and I know that
full well. That's what the word says. Everyone needs someone.
We were not meant to be on an island by ourselves.
Everyone needs a support system. And one thing that the
narcissists will try to do is to isolate you from
other people. We talked about triangulation the other day, where
they triangulate you make you feel as if everyone's against
you and it's you against the world and everyone's on
the side of the narcissist. That's not true. There are
people that will empathize with you. They will be understanding,
they will be kind, they will be caring, and it
will be genuine. One thing that is so important for
us to do is when you're talking about discernment, ask
the Lord for a discernment. He's the one that gives
us discernment. It's so important for us to know and
be intentional on the relationships that we enter into. You know,
I believe in asking God. It's it's a person that
I need to invest in for us. When I'm talking
about invests, I'm talking about my time, my emotions, my heart.
You know, the Bible tells us to guard our hearts. Well,
is this a person that I need to get involved
with with? And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships,
I'm talking about just friendships.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Is this a person that I need to be associated
affiliated with? Is this a job I need to be
affiliated with? Is this a church I need to be
affiliated with? Because guess what, you got a whole bunch
of narcissist in today's poor pits in the pews, in
the choir stands directing. Come on, now, it's not just
limited to the secular realm. This is also in the church,
but it's up to you to decide. You know what,
I'm not gonna take it anymore, and I am going
to do what I need to do to help me
help yourself. And if you need to go to therapy,
go group therapy, go counselor go whoever can help you
to be the person that you want to be. All Right,
we are about it here. I pray to today's podcast
has been a blessing to you and that you would
know that your feelings do matter. This is doctor ko
Rich would knock if you snowboard until next times