WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.960 I sat alone at our kitchen island, the stem of 2 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.240 my one last press type between my fingers, a faint 3 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:11.039 print when my lipstick hats smushed red against the rim our. 4 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:13.960 Apartment was unusually silent, Nor Dannel flipping through mail by 5 00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:16.000 the entry away, no ordeer of floating in from his 6 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:18.519 many bluted speaker, just the hum of the dishorsher and 7 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:21.559 the glow of the undercabinet lighting. My phone sat down 8 00:00:21.559 --> 00:00:23.760 in front of me, played and replied the night's voice. Mails, 9 00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:27.280 friends calling, teasing, half in laughter and half in concern. 10 00:00:27.559 --> 00:00:30.239 Lore tell Daniel will survive without his grilled eggplant, but 11 00:00:30.280 --> 00:00:33.039 what's the excuse this time? And promotion drinks don't let 12 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:35.840 us down? And the last minute texts from Daniel himself, 13 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.280 white on black in the messages app last minute shifted 14 00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:40.759 the new Jiminey the tips so sorry, love you, the 15 00:00:40.840 --> 00:00:43.719 love you with an exclamation mark, a compromise maybe between 16 00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:47.799 guilt and reassurance. A tiny dark splast stained the marble counter. 17 00:00:48.479 --> 00:00:51.799 I doubted, absently staring past my reflection in the window glass, 18 00:00:51.799 --> 00:00:53.600 trying to decide if I was being petty or if 19 00:00:53.640 --> 00:00:56.280 an actual a colt beneath my ribs to night was 20 00:00:56.280 --> 00:00:58.840 supposed to be different. A marker, I'd landed the project 21 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:01.920 management slot I'd been flown toward for months. But here 22 00:01:01.960 --> 00:01:04.760 I was not out with our Friday group, not clinking 23 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:06.959 glasses with Daniel, but talking back to thin air and 24 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:09.760 half finished voice mails. I got up to pour another 25 00:01:09.760 --> 00:01:12.840 half glass. Daniel's jacket was still flung across the back 26 00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:14.560 of the kitchen chair, A little mess he made and 27 00:01:14.599 --> 00:01:16.879 forgotten when he'd come home, and a rushed two hours earlier, 28 00:01:17.079 --> 00:01:19.560 just swinging by to change spin class would't teach itself. 29 00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:22.280 I'd barely caught his mouth against mine before he was 30 00:01:22.319 --> 00:01:24.599 sliding off his old shirt, padding into the bedroom for 31 00:01:24.640 --> 00:01:27.760 work out gear. Twenty minutes tops and he was at 32 00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:29.719 the door again, still damp from the quickest of showers, 33 00:01:29.799 --> 00:01:32.040 his hair spike of water. No time for the abitious 34 00:01:32.040 --> 00:01:33.920 off smile of the cheeky you going to wear that 35 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:36.719 lipstick out on me lorn page. I should have left 36 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:39.280 it alone, but after an hour I found myself fingering 37 00:01:39.319 --> 00:01:41.560 his jacket, folding it with the intent to toss it 38 00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:43.239 on to his side of the bed, if only so 39 00:01:43.359 --> 00:01:45.599 the apartment wouldn't look so lopsided. When he came home. 40 00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:49.079 The scent hit me. Show up expensive and familiar, not 41 00:01:49.239 --> 00:01:51.840 Jim's weet or the neutral detergent. We liked something floral 42 00:01:51.879 --> 00:01:55.640 and deliberate, not mine. I held the collar close, then 43 00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:58.719 tugged the lapell inside out. I half laughed at myself. 44 00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:01.079 Who was I becoming those women on forums who on 45 00:02:01.159 --> 00:02:04.439 stitched jacket linings, looking for betrayal in every thread. I 46 00:02:04.480 --> 00:02:06.799 pressed the jacket to my face again, let the questioning 47 00:02:06.840 --> 00:02:09.280 burn for just a second longer, before tossing it gently 48 00:02:09.319 --> 00:02:11.960 back over the chair. I forced myself to wash up, 49 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:14.719 brush out my hair, scroll Instagram for thirty slope minutes, 50 00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:18.199 thinking he works with a dozen women, showers, locker rooms, 51 00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:22.199 client Hug's god lorn, get over yourself. Still, the perfume's 52 00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:24.479 trace lingered, soft and insistent as a memory. I couldn't 53 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:27.560 quite fall away. I wondered how easily I'd once swallowed 54 00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:30.520 out Daniel, My Daniel, who coached people through fitness plateaus, 55 00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:33.159 who paid rent on time out of freelance paychecks, who 56 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.319 said our alarms ten minutes apart. So I never had 57 00:02:35.319 --> 00:02:37.639 to feel rushed in the bathroom. Maybe it was just 58 00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:39.639 the restlessness of pride to the afterglow of a hard 59 00:02:39.639 --> 00:02:42.400 won promotion turning bittersweet in the echo of an empty apartment. 60 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:45.759 Maybe I was just tired. But as I let the 61 00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:48.439 phone's notifications fade into in red silence and counted off 62 00:02:48.439 --> 00:02:50.560 steps from kitchen to living room, my footfall in the 63 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:53.479 wood flow allowed in Daniel's absence, I couldn't stop replaying 64 00:02:53.479 --> 00:02:56.159 the sharp chemical sweetness as someone else's perfume, and the 65 00:02:56.159 --> 00:02:58.680 wondering crept and again, gentle, but an yielding. Is this 66 00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.400 just stress or something else entirely, something that's been growing 67 00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:06.159 unnoticed until now. It's strange how quickly a person's mind 68 00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:08.759 skips from certainty to noise. Half asked, the firm lines 69 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:11.719 of trust blur. For years, Daniel and I have spoken 70 00:03:11.719 --> 00:03:13.639 about trust as if it were a living things, something 71 00:03:13.719 --> 00:03:16.599 you water shield feed, the core principle holding us together 72 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:20.120 when everything else feels maddeningly unpredictable. We met nearly six 73 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:23.159 years ago, both soaked in sweat and laughter abar class 74 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:25.639 on the Saturday morning, each pretending not to be wrecked 75 00:03:25.639 --> 00:03:29.120 by the cord exercises. I remember him exaggerating the burn, 76 00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:31.879 holding his own thigh and groaning, God, this is harder 77 00:03:31.960 --> 00:03:35.080 than resisting cops. After ten poem, I snorted over my 78 00:03:35.159 --> 00:03:39.319 mat and blurted commitment issues. He laughed by the post 79 00:03:39.319 --> 00:03:42.240 class granola bar line. Our jokes had tangled thens into 80 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:46.080 something genuinely flirtatious. We discovered we both lived on opposite 81 00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:48.120 ends of the same street, him in a tiny studio 82 00:03:48.199 --> 00:03:50.759 he'd marked his lugurious by New York Cat's standards, me 83 00:03:50.840 --> 00:03:53.159 in an equally crant third four walk up above a bakery. 84 00:03:53.759 --> 00:03:56.120 That first coffee date never felt forced. It was two 85 00:03:56.120 --> 00:03:58.639 people who weren't supposed to fit. He the playful, motivated 86 00:03:58.680 --> 00:04:01.960 fitness junkie media ancient, over achieving analyst, finding a rhythm 87 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.080 as easy as walking pace. The next year, those routines 88 00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:08.159 knitted themselves into our days. We moved twice, once into 89 00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:10.800 a slightly bigger rental with questionable plumbing than here, a 90 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:12.919 four four two bedroom with more sun than noise and 91 00:04:13.039 --> 00:04:15.319 enough space for his foam rollas in my over ambitious 92 00:04:15.319 --> 00:04:18.720 spice rack. Dinners with our city friend group became tradition, 93 00:04:18.839 --> 00:04:22.199 pre immediates ales Olympic level sarkism. Tom and Elina somehow 94 00:04:22.199 --> 00:04:25.120 still in the city and still made to everyone's disbelief, 95 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:27.560 Joe note would be stand up comic, way less funny 96 00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:30.319 when sober. Ifan simone who rarely said more than five 97 00:04:30.360 --> 00:04:33.319 words but always brought the best cheese. We cooked, traded 98 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:35.959 stories that our apartments become second homes to each other. 99 00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:39.600 Every Friday was reserved, no matter what, and Daniel was 100 00:04:39.600 --> 00:04:42.519 always the first RSVP, the one prodding people along with 101 00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:47.279 memeso logistics. He'd say, consistency keeps people close. With this light, 102 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:50.079 self deprecating tone, just the barest challenge to keep us 103 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:54.560 showing up. It wasn't perfect, No city marriages. Daniel's career 104 00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:58.000 was freelanced by necessity, a patchwork of group classes, private training, 105 00:04:58.079 --> 00:05:00.600 and most recently, his tenure at the This new sleek 106 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:04.120 gem was subscription everything. I envied his freedom, even as 107 00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:06.759 I worried for his stress. He envied my security, even 108 00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:08.959 as it often meant I came home dead eyed and drained. 109 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:12.240 Sometimes I collapsed into him, letting his broad chest took 110 00:05:12.279 --> 00:05:15.639 up my muttering about coworkers and the next impossible deadline. 111 00:05:15.639 --> 00:05:18.319 Sometimes you join our friend's post workout while I fell 112 00:05:18.360 --> 00:05:22.600 asleep beside my slack notifications. Still we bounced short shots 113 00:05:22.600 --> 00:05:25.199 on the fridge, Google calendars, unifying the chaos, the bitter 114 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:28.800 sweet satisfaction of shared bills and split grocery runs. Even 115 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:31.480 our vulnerabilities were kind of ritual. My need for affirmation, 116 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:34.199 Daniel's need for routine. I used to joke about him 117 00:05:34.279 --> 00:05:37.319 hiding his stress and kettlebells and playlists he liked to 118 00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:39.600 cure in a nightly Spotify queue, each of us adding 119 00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:42.279 three songs once we were both home, forcing some overlap. 120 00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:45.000 Ye'll love this new rye X track sweety utolerate country 121 00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:48.240 music for me, remembered it was mundane and sweet and 122 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:51.399 always ours. There had been one explicit promise, hammered out 123 00:05:51.399 --> 00:05:53.360 in a crowded craft beer bar before we signed the 124 00:05:53.360 --> 00:05:56.240 first lease. We never lie, not about money, not about time, 125 00:05:56.399 --> 00:05:58.920 not about needing something different. If it ever feels off, 126 00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:02.199 we say so deal. Daniel had smiled, reached across the 127 00:06:02.199 --> 00:06:05.639 sticky table, said, whatever happens, we tell each other, even 128 00:06:05.680 --> 00:06:08.199 the dumb stuff, even when work is help. Especially then, 129 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.040 I remember thinking this is what adulthood could be, a 130 00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:14.160 partnership where truth was the actual currency. The city can 131 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:18.040 soften you. Though weeks past ambitions swell and crest, I 132 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:20.240 did worry about those times. When I crashed into bed 133 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:22.959 steering over a project, and Daniel slept cold beside me. 134 00:06:23.560 --> 00:06:25.959 He kept his phone fist down, which had occasionally rub 135 00:06:26.040 --> 00:06:28.120 him about. He'd always answer, I just don't want work 136 00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:30.800 interrupting us lor the trainer's dump text. All day long, 137 00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:34.199 money became another background note, a melody. We didn't play 138 00:06:34.199 --> 00:06:37.639 aloud unless necessary. We pulled our accounts during the pandemic, 139 00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:40.839 promising to flag any strain, never let pride make us stingy. 140 00:06:41.639 --> 00:06:45.240 I tried to believe nothing could sneak through cracks like ours. Sometimes, 141 00:06:45.279 --> 00:06:47.920 after especially empty weeks, I checked my reflection in the 142 00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:50.839 bathroom mirror, in us myself. Are you missing something or 143 00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:53.480 just worried you are? To night? The gap between what 144 00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:55.639 had built in my mind almost sat heavy in my chest, 145 00:06:55.639 --> 00:06:59.199 felt wider than usual. Friends all out together, Daniel ghost again, 146 00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:02.439 the egg of celebration and mourning, uncertainty threading through every beat. 147 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:06.279 But I kept coming back to that perfume. I tried 148 00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:08.360 to laugh it off, to picture Danne or clowning around 149 00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:10.480 in a weight room waving a towel. Someone has brits 150 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:13.319 to death, but the image barely held together. Would I 151 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:16.160 have notice if tonight wered about me. Did I only 152 00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:18.360 see what I wanted because I was alone? Or because 153 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:21.360 something real was slipping beneath my feet. When Danield did 154 00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:23.920 get back, while past midnight, he was all easy smiles 155 00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:26.600 and self effacing apologies. The gin duffel thudding onto our 156 00:07:26.639 --> 00:07:30.079 hall bench. Big turn to night, he said, flopping next 157 00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:32.399 to me on the couch, still bright eyed, cheeks flushed, 158 00:07:32.399 --> 00:07:35.160 as if he'd just run a tank. Everyone wants training 159 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:37.680 advice at the same day and time. I'm a star now, babe, 160 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:40.480 who needs a day off. He pressed a lingering kiss 161 00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:44.439 against my temple closeness, normalcy, comfort. He'd already showered at 162 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:46.040 the gin by then, or said he had, but he 163 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:47.759 made a show of pulling me into his laps, mell 164 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:50.240 of conditioner and something still so betraying from his skin. 165 00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:53.160 I told myself not to worry about the lost hours 166 00:07:53.240 --> 00:07:55.240 or the tiny cut of floral fragrance still caught in 167 00:07:55.240 --> 00:07:58.480 a closet air. I told myself tomorrow would ease the tension, 168 00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:01.560 a Saturday together, coffee refilled and maybe finally a long talk. 169 00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:04.480 But when I woke, Diana was gone. A text blinking 170 00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:07.040 on my phone cover Jeremy's ating class don't hate me, 171 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:09.279 tell the pillow, I love it. I went about my 172 00:08:09.319 --> 00:08:11.839 day the kind of blissfully vague Saturday, New York's mistake 173 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:13.639 for rest his if my muscles went bracing for some 174 00:08:13.759 --> 00:08:16.639 unknown blow. On Sunday, I joined pray you for coffee 175 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:18.879 that myself grin over my own freshly mint a title 176 00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:20.759 and bit my tongue when she asked if Daniel was 177 00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:24.519 really okay lately or just jim obsessed. Home that afternoon, 178 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:26.639 I found Daniel in the kitchen, halfway through a fresh 179 00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:28.600 batch of meal, prep three chicken breast lined on a 180 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:32.039 bamboo board, rice steaming, chopping carrots with the necessary force. 181 00:08:32.759 --> 00:08:34.799 I learned from experience to watch his hands more than 182 00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:36.559 his face when he was tense. If he kept pausing, 183 00:08:36.639 --> 00:08:39.879 stretching his fingers, he was overthinking something. When I came 184 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:42.159 up behind him, wrapping my arms around his middle cheek, 185 00:08:42.159 --> 00:08:44.519 pressed his shoulder, his muscles tents just for a moment, 186 00:08:44.840 --> 00:08:48.320 like a dismelling smoke. The sund again sweet and artificial, 187 00:08:48.360 --> 00:08:51.879 wrapped around his clothes. You picking up fancy clients or 188 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:54.240 just raid in the gift shop. I tried to joke, 189 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:57.600 keeping my voice light. He laughed, flicking order off his wrist. 190 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:00.919 He'd be amazed what peoples prey on themselves post spin class. 191 00:09:00.960 --> 00:09:03.799 I live in a lizo cloud. He reached back, tapped 192 00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:06.320 much in, let his eyes meet mine. Want me to 193 00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:10.039 buy you something stronger. His words were playful, a little forest. 194 00:09:10.759 --> 00:09:12.759 His smile landed on my lips, but not quite in 195 00:09:12.840 --> 00:09:16.480 his eyes. I let it go, I thought. I leaned 196 00:09:16.519 --> 00:09:18.639 into his back and breed, telling myself that loving some 197 00:09:18.679 --> 00:09:21.919 one meant believing the best version until proven otherwise. Maybe 198 00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:24.639 there was no story here. Maybe I was filling in 199 00:09:24.679 --> 00:09:27.440 the spaces left by too many misd dinners, too much loneliness. 200 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:30.840 But somewhere beneath my ribs, a coil of unease went tighter. 201 00:09:31.440 --> 00:09:33.559 Over the next week. I tried to let works tidal 202 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:36.840 wavebury any stray misgivings, clanned emails, new on boarding, the 203 00:09:36.879 --> 00:09:39.200 relentless pressure to prove myself worthy of the title. I 204 00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.240 clawed toward. Daniel kept odd hours, which I accepted. He 205 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:45.879 was a freelancer. That was a compromise the city extracted 206 00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:48.559 from us. Monday night, I got home to text about 207 00:09:48.600 --> 00:09:50.399 him staying late to help a new hire get up 208 00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:52.919 to speed. Photos from the smoothie bar, crowded with trainers 209 00:09:52.919 --> 00:09:55.960 and brightly branded tanks. Tuesday, he joined me for a 210 00:09:56.039 --> 00:09:58.679 late night dinner, his mood high. Stories flickering between Jim 211 00:09:58.720 --> 00:10:02.039 Banter and city gripes, but there were unspoken silences when 212 00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:04.120 he answered the phone in the other room or disappeared 213 00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:07.039 on to the fire escape with apod's barely visible. Was 214 00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:09.639 that really a client call? Was I supposed to be 215 00:10:09.639 --> 00:10:13.000 comforted that he was so in demand? Wednesday, pre launched 216 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:15.919 a group chaff for Friday dinner. Guess who reserved the 217 00:10:15.919 --> 00:10:19.399 new Italian Place? Mandatory attendant Lauren bring Daniel O suffer 218 00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:23.279 Birds to Caxile. I saw the notification flash, half expecting 219 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:28.240 Daniels giflet an rfvpee. Instead nothing. The conversation trickled on 220 00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:33.399 restaurant choices, drink perrings, cheerful antagonism. Later, when I texted 221 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:36.399 him privately, you saw priism by, he replied, sorry, might 222 00:10:36.440 --> 00:10:39.200 be wiped Jim's schedule as nuts will know later. Not 223 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:43.200 a no, but not his trademark enthusiasm either. By Thursday morning, Prey, 224 00:10:43.240 --> 00:10:45.320 you texted just me a little more pointed as d 225 00:10:45.399 --> 00:10:47.600 o K. He was weirdly cagy in the chatch. Usually 226 00:10:47.639 --> 00:10:50.720 he makes the spreadsheet before any one else. I told 227 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:53.080 her he was probably just exhausted, but a tiny bell 228 00:10:53.159 --> 00:10:56.840 went off inside me. Daniel hated missing these things. He 229 00:10:56.919 --> 00:11:00.000 called them ours social insurance, the metabolism of friendship, he claimed, 230 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:03.200 was more important than physical health. I started running through 231 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:06.919 root Jack's grocery receipts calendar invites his chin social feet. 232 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:10.000 Not because I didn't trust him, I told myself, but 233 00:11:10.039 --> 00:11:12.120 because I needed to plan the upcoming weekend and he'd 234 00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:15.159 grown so vague. His group class calendar looked right on 235 00:11:15.159 --> 00:11:18.960 the website Stille. I noticed a few oddities on our 236 00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:21.799 share checking account. Daniel had befrawn forty five dollars with 237 00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:24.159 the memo fitness Apply, then another thirty eight dollars at 238 00:11:24.159 --> 00:11:26.159 a juice bar of miles from his supposed work route 239 00:11:26.759 --> 00:11:29.879 the next night, a late transaction, sixty dollars for a consultation, 240 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:32.799 but the gym didn't require trainers to front costs for clients. 241 00:11:33.559 --> 00:11:36.440 None of the amounts were huge, not exactly red flags, 242 00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:39.519 but Daniel noticed every ten dollars happy hour. Why get 243 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:43.000 secretive about such small up flows? I screenshutted the records, 244 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:46.320 thinking maybe I was overreacting. Still that evening, as we 245 00:11:46.320 --> 00:11:48.840 brushed our teeth together, I half joked blew the budget 246 00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:51.720 on hand, chalk and green juices. Ha. He grinned at me, 247 00:11:51.759 --> 00:11:54.919 two pistefulm on his voice. Airy perks of helping rookies out. 248 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:56.679 They buy a sip and smile. You want me to 249 00:11:56.679 --> 00:11:59.840 bring you one next time? No itch of defensiveness, just 250 00:11:59.840 --> 00:12:01.799 as regular smirk. But I heard the thin edge in it, 251 00:12:01.879 --> 00:12:03.720 a practiced non and some more than the banter. I 252 00:12:03.799 --> 00:12:08.360 craved the playlists, though a nightly soundtrack subtly warped. Daniel 253 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:10.799 used to keep up in they beats and throwbic dance tracks. 254 00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:14.519 Suddenly it was all sir peapop ballads, almost all by 255 00:12:14.559 --> 00:12:17.679 female artists I had never heard of, Renasaweyama Fauchet, a 256 00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:20.519 few Yeo pop entries, their lyrics all longing and late 257 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:23.320 night rendezvous. When I texted him about the change, he 258 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:25.840 sent a wink, trying to expand your taste, Babe, you 259 00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:29.360 have to keep up at Jim Trend's again, almost convincing. 260 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:33.519 Almost Friday rolled around and I left work buzzing with 261 00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:36.120 the din of my teen's congratulations flowers on my desk, 262 00:12:36.279 --> 00:12:38.879 A bottle of prosecco, even my bosses awkward back pat. 263 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:41.879 I left early to meet Daniel at home, picturing us 264 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:44.039 walking to dinner hand in hand, may be sharing a 265 00:12:44.039 --> 00:12:47.480 cap of Priya and Drona. The apartment, as usual, was empty, 266 00:12:48.120 --> 00:12:51.720 Daniel's gym duffuested by the door. A text last minute 267 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:55.120 cover loved so sorry, kept miss it the exclamation mark again. 268 00:12:55.720 --> 00:12:58.279 I loosened my braid, stirred myself down in the bathroom mirror. 269 00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:01.759 Was this how resentments are arded? Wasn't I supposed to 270 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:04.120 give him space, celebrate his hustle as much as he 271 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:07.440 celebrated mine. I plucked Daniel's hoody from the towel rack, 272 00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:10.279 hoping for his set, something familiar, But the floral note 273 00:13:10.360 --> 00:13:13.159 was there again, not quite like before, richer, more deliberate. 274 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:16.240 I found myself open in our checking up again, scrolling 275 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:19.559 to another fifty dollars withdrawal, annoyance and insecurity, nipping at 276 00:13:19.559 --> 00:13:22.399 each other. I checked his Venmo with transfer out titled 277 00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:25.279 juice bar w slash n. The only aim I knew 278 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:28.159 was an old college friend now living in Boston. I 279 00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:30.720 told myself, you'd drive yourself knuts if you keep hunting 280 00:13:30.759 --> 00:13:33.440 for bad news. I shut my phone, focused on the 281 00:13:33.480 --> 00:13:36.320 bottle of whine. I promised myself would last. I tried 282 00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:39.679 to forget at dinner, pre kept shooting me pointed glances. 283 00:13:40.279 --> 00:13:43.200 I gave my most convincing smile, saying Daniel was swamped. 284 00:13:43.840 --> 00:13:46.240 He'll show, I lied, as if conjuring him could make 285 00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:49.559 it true. That night, Daniel got home laid. He looked 286 00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:52.039 too fresh for someone just off work, hair damp, faced 287 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:54.919 to shaven, new t shirt. He threw his arms around 288 00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:57.279 me as if nothing had gone warm, chattering about kill 289 00:13:57.320 --> 00:13:59.960 amoscle group classes and the new manager being a harness. 290 00:14:00.600 --> 00:14:02.960 He asked about my night, my friends, my promotionlessen just 291 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:06.039 to shade too intently, is laugh bigger than usual. I 292 00:14:06.120 --> 00:14:08.639 pressed my lips against his jaw, searching for something tied 293 00:14:08.679 --> 00:14:11.240 sweat or just love. But when he slid away to 294 00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:14.679 take a coal in the bathroom, I heard another voice, low, laughing, feminine. 295 00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:17.360 I couldn't make out her words, but caught Daniels. Yeah, 296 00:14:17.480 --> 00:14:20.200 I miss you too, not long now. When I post 297 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:22.840 the door open, he turned fun already tucked away face 298 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:26.559 bink spam collar, he said, waving it off. Ye know 299 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:29.200 how it is. The Gem's on every list. His smile 300 00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:31.799 tried to meet my suspicion and swallow it hole. I 301 00:14:31.919 --> 00:14:35.240 let it ride, not trust exactly, but inertia. I reason, 302 00:14:35.600 --> 00:14:38.879 maybe he's helping some one, encouraging a new member. He's 303 00:14:38.919 --> 00:14:41.559 always been the councilor type. The next few days were 304 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:44.200 a blur. I worked late, dan Ol ran morning and 305 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:47.039 night sessions, bounced and after hours with half finished stories 306 00:14:47.080 --> 00:14:50.639 about the new tea manned ambitious rookies. I asked, who's Maya? 307 00:14:50.720 --> 00:14:54.759 You mentioned her sometimes? He pause, then just a flicker, said, 308 00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:58.360 new trainer just joined. She's hilarious, classic gem overrchiever. He'd 309 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:02.080 get along, he smiles, but off for more. I realize 310 00:15:02.240 --> 00:15:04.360 distantly that I'd never met any of Daniel's new crew 311 00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:07.879 except in passing, never at our place, never at Groot dinners. 312 00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:10.960 I tried to talk myself down from worry, telling myself, 313 00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.360 you're being controlling, Loren. Not every friend needs to be 314 00:15:13.399 --> 00:15:16.840 your friend. Thursday night, I got boulder work was a 315 00:15:16.879 --> 00:15:20.720 jokee Mill's late meeting's hands. I texted Daniel after seven, 316 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:22.399 want me to bring takeout to the gym so you 317 00:15:22.440 --> 00:15:26.799 don't subsist on protein bars. Not then eight o'clock, still nothing. 318 00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:31.000 Nine o'clock finally reply eight with tim sorry so so wiped, 319 00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:34.639 can't wait to see you later. You mean everything. Affectionate, insistent, 320 00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:37.960 but wrong, somehow, like he was reassuring me no himself. 321 00:15:38.679 --> 00:15:40.559 When he walked through the door at almost midnight, I 322 00:15:40.600 --> 00:15:42.399 put on a bright face, forced the energy of a 323 00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:45.360 partner not growing angry. Did you close the gin down? 324 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:48.720 He yawn, changing the subject you want to watch a movie? 325 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:51.360 Before I could press, he looked away when I asked 326 00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:53.919 about his day, cat glancing at his phone, until finally 327 00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:57.240 he shuffled into the shower. I wanted desperately to trust him, 328 00:15:57.679 --> 00:15:59.720 but when I tried to Jin's front desk the next day, 329 00:15:59.720 --> 00:16:01.840 calling and casually asking if Daniel would be around for 330 00:16:01.879 --> 00:16:04.360 a dropping class, the staff member said he'd left ages ago, 331 00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:06.679 long before he'd claimed to be finishing up for the night. 332 00:16:07.440 --> 00:16:11.519 My heart skipped, confused, scared. That night, Daniel came home 333 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:13.919 bags in hand, claiming he'd grabbed food with the team. 334 00:16:14.519 --> 00:16:17.960 I couldn't quite believe him. The contradiction pinballed in my mind, 335 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:21.360 keeping me restless past to him. Our social group started 336 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:24.519 to notice Friday rolled around again the usual tax call 337 00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:28.039 for dinner, and again Daniel hesitated, pre pulled me aside 338 00:16:28.039 --> 00:16:31.639 a brunch, Gentle but insistent. Is everything okay? At home? 339 00:16:31.720 --> 00:16:33.639 You look like hel do? He's always missing? Now? Is 340 00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:36.360 he troubled? Do you know? There was no accusation, but 341 00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:39.120 the pressure in her eyes was unmistakable. I think he's 342 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:42.240 just stress. I lied, You know how guys are retreat 343 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:45.120 and brewed, then exploded in meal prep. I tried to laugh, 344 00:16:45.159 --> 00:16:47.720 felt my chest tighten, but my patience ran out. On 345 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:51.000 a rain soop. Wednesday evening, I left work early, excitement 346 00:16:51.000 --> 00:16:53.919 and nose mixed. Deciding to surprise Daniel after his late shift. 347 00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:56.759 I dropped into the gym just as classes ended, expecting 348 00:16:56.759 --> 00:16:59.360 to find him corraling new members, maybe even to meet 349 00:16:59.360 --> 00:17:03.000 this mysterious Maya. The front desk manager, bright an overly 350 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:05.920 chipper appeared at a schedule. I think Daniel left half 351 00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:07.680 an hour ago. He's not teaching any more to night. 352 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:10.599 She looked me up and down, offered a forced smile. 353 00:17:11.319 --> 00:17:14.039 You just missed him. I stood there, clutching my umbrella, 354 00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:16.920 half wet, half huming my mind spawn What was I 355 00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:19.160 supposed to do? Now? Wait in the street stock him? 356 00:17:19.440 --> 00:17:22.680 What kind of person does that. I left, stung and embarrassed. 357 00:17:23.240 --> 00:17:25.279 When Daniel came home an hour later, he smelled like 358 00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:29.519 vanilla candles, sweet, cloying, nothing I recognized. He dropped his 359 00:17:29.599 --> 00:17:32.200 bag by the door and launched into another round of excuses. 360 00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:35.359 Team dinner ran late. Sorry, honestly, wasn't paying attention to 361 00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:38.200 my phone. He wrapped me up, nuzzling into my hair, 362 00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:41.359 but I was rigid, heart drumming with suspicion. Later I 363 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:43.559 heard him on the phone again, voice soft attention in 364 00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:46.599 his words, Yeah, I'm sorry, it's been crazy, not long 365 00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:49.319 out promise. He clicked the door closed as I pretended 366 00:17:49.319 --> 00:17:52.400 to shower my spy and burning with silent questions. The 367 00:17:52.440 --> 00:17:54.640 next day, I brought up Maya, asking off hand if 368 00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:56.480 he wanted to invite her on the team to our place. 369 00:17:57.200 --> 00:17:59.920 She seems fun, if she's anything like what you describe. 370 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:04.000 He stiffened, just slightly, putting away groceries. Not sure they'd 371 00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:07.200 a dinner party type, he said, dismissive. It's just work, 372 00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:11.720 war work, always work. I let it drop, hidden and 373 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:13.319 of throwing in my finger tips as I stacked the 374 00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:17.160 dishwasher and replayed every strange half conversation, every odd evasive moment. 375 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:20.720 That night, I fell asleep scrolling through daniels Spotify account. 376 00:18:21.400 --> 00:18:24.640 His playlist was loaded with melancholy love songs again, crescendos 377 00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:28.519 and heartbreaks, every LERCCDA message. I added an old favorite, 378 00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:31.599 Terretha Franklin, a kind of test. The next night it 379 00:18:31.680 --> 00:18:34.240 was gone, replaced by a song called Underneath It All. 380 00:18:34.839 --> 00:18:36.799 I couldn't make sense of it, so obvious, I almost 381 00:18:36.839 --> 00:18:40.039 thought I was imagining it. I tried talking to Priya 382 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:43.599 instead of voicing my actual worry. I started with work stress, 383 00:18:43.880 --> 00:18:45.759 letting my voice crack just enough that she could hear 384 00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:48.839 something truer underneath. I just feel out of sync. Do 385 00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:52.799 you ever have that? She watched me, knowing skilled at patience. 386 00:18:53.480 --> 00:18:55.559 Let me know if you need help, was all she said, 387 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:58.720 squeezing my hand before she left for the subway. Left alone, 388 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:02.279 my mind spun in loops. Was Daniel cheating? Or was 389 00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:05.240 I just paranoid letting anxiety fill the blank spaces left 390 00:19:05.240 --> 00:19:08.160 by his absences and my own exhaustion? I didn't know. 391 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:10.680 All I knew was that when I pictured saying something 392 00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:12.960 out loud, actually confronting him, the words knotted in my 393 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:15.000 throat more terror than mage in the thought of being 394 00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:17.720 proven either right or wrong. By the end of that week, 395 00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:21.799 everything snapped. Daniel came home Friday night, all false casunless. 396 00:19:22.359 --> 00:19:24.440 He dropped his phone face down, whipped out a half 397 00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.200 melted pint of ice cream, and switched on an old movie. 398 00:19:27.720 --> 00:19:29.839 I waited until the opening credits to bring it up. 399 00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:32.359 Does Meyer ever talk about her clients outside of work? 400 00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:36.839 He hesitated, then shook his head. Work's work, nothing interesting. 401 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:39.799