WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:14.720 Us studious. Welcome to the Stillness Journal. I'm Maya, and 2 00:00:14.839 --> 00:00:19.960 to day I want to talk about something quiet and brief. 3 00:00:21.879 --> 00:00:27.199 The practice of letting people in. Not the loud kind 4 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:34.359 of opening, not the kind that announces itself, but the small, 5 00:00:35.079 --> 00:00:40.280 daily kind, the kind or you lower a wall just 6 00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:45.119 a little and trust that the person on the other 7 00:00:45.280 --> 00:00:50.439 side will be gentle with what you have been hiding. 8 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:53.600 If there is a part of you that has been 9 00:00:53.679 --> 00:01:00.240 keeping others at arm's length, this practice is for that part, 10 00:01:01.159 --> 00:01:06.280 the part that learned somewhere along the way that closeness 11 00:01:06.439 --> 00:01:12.959 costs too much, the part that decided quietly that it 12 00:01:13.079 --> 00:01:17.799 was safer to stay a little distant, the part that 13 00:01:17.879 --> 00:01:23.439 has been carrying the weight of being almost known but 14 00:01:23.560 --> 00:01:29.000 never fully known. We live in a world that rewar 15 00:01:29.159 --> 00:01:34.760 is the kind of self sufficiency, a world that admires 16 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:40.560 the person who does not need anyone, the person who 17 00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:46.599 handles things alone, the person who appears from the outside 18 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:50.519 to be completely fine. And if you are a person 19 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:55.120 who has learned to look like that, you have probably 20 00:01:55.239 --> 00:02:01.599 also learned to keep the tender parts hidden, the soft parts, 21 00:02:03.400 --> 00:02:07.159 the parts that long to be seen. But staying hidden 22 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:12.280 is its own kind of exhaustion. It takes a lot 23 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:16.199 of energy to cure it. Which parts of yourself you show. 24 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:21.879 It takes a lot of energy to translate your real 25 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:27.039 feelings into the more acceptable version. It takes a lot 26 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:31.479 of energy to perform being okay when you are not, 27 00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:38.280 and over time that energy adds up. It leaves you 28 00:02:38.439 --> 00:03:13.000 tired in a way that sleep does not fix. Letting 29 00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:17.919 people in is not the same as telling everyone everything. 30 00:03:19.719 --> 00:03:22.560 It is not the same as being an open book. 31 00:03:24.599 --> 00:03:28.639 It is not the same as having no boundaries at all. 32 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:35.840 Letting people in is a much jedler thing. Letting people 33 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:41.400 in is not the same as telling everyone everything. It 34 00:03:41.479 --> 00:03:45.840 is not the same as being an open book. It 35 00:03:45.960 --> 00:03:49.280 is not the same as having no boundaries at all. 36 00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:54.840 Letting people in is a much jetler thing. It is 37 00:03:54.919 --> 00:04:01.680 the willingness to be seen in small, imperfect way. It 38 00:04:01.800 --> 00:04:06.680 is the willingness to let someone notice that you are struggling, 39 00:04:07.800 --> 00:04:11.240 even if you do not need them to fix it. 40 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:15.919 It is the willingness to receive a small kindness without 41 00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:21.160 immediately deflecting it. And for many of us, that willingness 42 00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:26.279 is hard. It is hard because we have been taught 43 00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:32.839 in subtle ways that kindness is suspicious that if someone 44 00:04:33.079 --> 00:04:37.560 is being gentle with us, they probably want something, or 45 00:04:37.600 --> 00:04:41.480 that if we let someone see us, they will leave, 46 00:04:43.439 --> 00:04:47.000 or that the soft parts of us are not really 47 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:52.360 worth being seen. Settle in if you can, let the 48 00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:57.680 body find a place where it does not have to perform, 49 00:04:57.959 --> 00:05:05.319 let the shoulders release, let the breath go slow. You 50 00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:08.560 do not have to figure out how to let anyone 51 00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:12.360 in right now. You only have to notice that there 52 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:16.800 is a part of you that wants to, and that 53 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:22.560 wanting is already a kind opening. I think sometimes we 54 00:05:22.720 --> 00:05:27.199 keep people at a distance because we are afraid of 55 00:05:27.240 --> 00:05:31.720 what they will find. We are afraid that if they 56 00:05:31.800 --> 00:05:39.319 really see us, the tired parts, the confused parts, the 57 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:44.519 parts that are still figuring things out, they will lose interest. 58 00:05:44.920 --> 00:05:49.879 So we put forward a curated version, the best version, 59 00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:57.160 the most together version, and we hope that the curated 60 00:05:57.240 --> 00:06:03.319 version will be enough. But the curated version, however beautiful, 61 00:06:04.279 --> 00:06:08.360 is still a kind of hiding. And the people who 62 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:11.959 would love you best are not the people who love 63 00:06:12.040 --> 00:06:16.519 the curated version. They are the people who would love 64 00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:52.800 the one underneath, the one who is uncertain, the one 65 00:06:53.000 --> 00:07:00.399 who is soft, the one who sometimes needs help, that 66 00:07:00.439 --> 00:07:06.560 someone notices you are quieter than usual and gently asks 67 00:07:07.399 --> 00:07:12.720 what is going on, the way that someone remembers the 68 00:07:12.759 --> 00:07:17.199 small things you have told them and brings them back 69 00:07:17.240 --> 00:07:23.360 to you months later. That kind of being known is 70 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:27.800 not weakness. I want to invite you, in this moment, 71 00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:34.000 to imagine being fully known by someone, not in a 72 00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:40.199 dramatic way, not in a confession kind of way, just 73 00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:45.199 in the everyday way. The way that someone knows you 74 00:07:45.240 --> 00:07:48.839 are tired before you say so. The way that someone 75 00:07:48.920 --> 00:07:55.480 notices you are quieter than usual and gently asks what 76 00:07:55.639 --> 00:08:01.000 is going on the way that someone remembers the small 77 00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:04.439 things you have told them and brings them back to 78 00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:10.079 you months later. That kind of being known is not weakness. 79 00:08:10.519 --> 00:08:15.920 It is the deepest kind of strength. Letting people in 80 00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:22.959 is not something you do once. It is a practice. 81 00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:29.480 It is something you choose again and again in small moments. 82 00:08:31.399 --> 00:08:36.840 The moment when you say I'm not okay instead of 83 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:41.679 I am fine, The moment when you let someone see 84 00:08:41.720 --> 00:08:46.799 you cry, the moment when you accept the offer of 85 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.759 help even when you are planning to do it alone. 86 00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:54.840 Each of those small moments is a wall coming down, 87 00:08:57.120 --> 00:09:00.799 and each wall that comes down to does not make 88 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:08.240 you weaker. It makes you more reachable, It makes you 89 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:12.519 more real, It makes you more available to the kind 90 00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:17.080 of love that does not require you to be perfect. 91 00:09:17.639 --> 00:09:20.559 And there will be times when you let someone in 92 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:27.720 and they will disappoint you. That is part of being human. 93 00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:36.559 Some people will not handle your softness well. Some people 94 00:09:36.759 --> 00:10:13.679 will use what you share against you. Some people will 95 00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:17.159 simply not be able to meet you where you are. 96 00:10:18.639 --> 00:10:23.480 That is not a reason to close up again. It 97 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:28.679 is a reason to choose more carefully the people you 98 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:32.720 let in, and to keep choosing even after a wound, 99 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:39.279 to stay open. You are allowed to test the windows. 100 00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:45.879 You are allowed to leave a door slightly ajar. You 101 00:10:45.960 --> 00:10:51.440 are allowed to let someone in slowly, on your own terms. 102 00:10:51.799 --> 00:10:54.279 I want to say something to the part of you 103 00:10:55.159 --> 00:11:01.960 that has been keeping everyone out. I see you. I 104 00:11:02.120 --> 00:11:06.879 know you are doing it to protect yourself. I know 105 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:14.200 you learned somewhere that protection was necessary. I know that 106 00:11:14.240 --> 00:11:18.480 the walls you built kept you safe in a time 107 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:22.879 when you needed to be safe. And I want you 108 00:11:23.000 --> 00:11:27.200 to know that the walls that kept you safe then 109 00:11:27.720 --> 00:11:30.519 do not have to keep you separate. Now you are 110 00:11:30.559 --> 00:11:35.720 allowed to test the windows. You are allowed to leave 111 00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:41.360 a door slightly ajar. You are allowed to let someone 112 00:11:41.399 --> 00:11:46.519 in slowly, on your own terms. You do not have 113 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:50.559 to do it all at once. You can let someone 114 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:57.240 in for five minutes. You can let someone in for 115 00:11:57.399 --> 00:12:04.320 one sentence. You can let someone in for the smallest, 116 00:12:05.480 --> 00:12:39.679 most ordinary moment. The point is not the size of 117 00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:45.879 the opening. The point is the willingness to make one. 118 00:12:46.840 --> 00:12:50.559 Even a tiny one is enough to begin. And the 119 00:12:50.679 --> 00:12:55.440 people who are meant to be close to you, the 120 00:12:55.440 --> 00:13:01.320 ones who can be trusted with the somp parts, will 121 00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:08.799 be gentle with your small openings. They will not push, 122 00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:13.440 They will not demand more than you have offered. They 123 00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:17.399 will simply be present in the space you have made 124 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:22.960 and respect that you are trying. And in that respect 125 00:13:23.799 --> 00:13:28.159 you will find a little more safety. And a little 126 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:32.000 more safety is a little more room to open. That 127 00:13:32.200 --> 00:13:40.399 is a kind of letting into, a quieter kind, a 128 00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:45.080 kind that does not require words. I want to say 129 00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:49.679 a few more things about what letting people in is not. 130 00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:55.519 It is not the same as needing someone to complete you. 131 00:13:57.679 --> 00:14:00.159 It is not the same as giving up your your 132 00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:06.200 own center. It is not the same as losing yourself 133 00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:12.000 in another person. Letting people in is the practice of 134 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:18.679 being fully yourself and letting someone else be fully themselves 135 00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:23.399 and finding that you can be in the same space 136 00:14:25.320 --> 00:14:29.519 without either of you disappearing. It is also not the 137 00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:34.879 same as telling everyone your story. There is a kind 138 00:14:34.919 --> 00:14:41.159 of intimacy that does not require narrative. There is a 139 00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:48.000 kind of closeness that lives in shared quiet two people 140 00:14:48.480 --> 00:14:54.279 sitting in the same room, not talking, but fully present. 141 00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:30.080 That is a kind of letting into a quieter kind, 142 00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:37.000 a kind that does not require words. And sometimes the 143 00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:41.600 person you let in is not another person at all. 144 00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:50.840 Sometimes it is you. Sometimes the practice is to let 145 00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:56.080 yourself in, to allow yourself to be in your own 146 00:15:56.120 --> 00:16:02.440 life instead of standing outside of it, observing, to be 147 00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:09.480 present for your own feelings instead of narrating them, to 148 00:16:09.559 --> 00:16:13.600 be gentle with yourself in the way you have been 149 00:16:13.639 --> 00:16:17.159 waiting for someone else to be. That is also a 150 00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:23.919 kind of opening, a foundational and kind because you cannot 151 00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:28.320 fully let other people in until you have let yourself in, 152 00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:35.559 until you have given yourself permission to be here, fully 153 00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:42.440 in your own body, in your own moment, without apology. 154 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:48.360 And if it feels scary, that is okay. Scary means 155 00:16:48.399 --> 00:16:53.000 you are doing something new, Scary means you are stepping 156 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:58.759 into a slightly larger life, and the more you practice, 157 00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:04.680 the less scary it becomes. Not because the openings get smaller. 158 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:08.160 For the days ahead, I want to leave you with 159 00:17:08.279 --> 00:17:15.079 a small practice. Pick one person this week, not the 160 00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:23.279 closest person, not the most distant, just one person, and 161 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:28.599 offer them a small piece of your real self, not 162 00:17:28.720 --> 00:17:35.640 the curated version, not the version you usually show. Something small, 163 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:43.720 a sentence about how you are actually feeling, a truth 164 00:17:44.319 --> 00:17:49.640 you have been holding, a softness you have been hiding. 165 00:17:50.039 --> 00:17:54.119 It does not have to be a big conversation. It 166 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:59.440 can be a text. It can be a sentence over coffee. 167 00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:03.000 It can be the way you let your eyes meet 168 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:10.839 theirs without looking away. The point is the honesty. The 169 00:18:10.880 --> 00:18:18.519 point is the willingness to be seen, even briefly, as 170 00:18:18.519 --> 00:18:23.559 you actually are, and if it feels scary, that is okay. 171 00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:30.599 Scary means you are doing something new. Scary means you 172 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:35.640 are stepping into a slightly larger life, and the more 173 00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:41.000 you practice, the less scary it becomes. Not because the 174 00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:47.480 openings get smaller, because you get braver, because you begin 175 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:54.640 to trust slowly that the soft parts of you are 176 00:18:54.759 --> 00:18:58.160 worth being known, and as you go through the rest 177 00:18:58.200 --> 00:19:01.599 of your day, I want you to carry this with you. 178 00:19:03.240 --> 00:19:07.839 The walls you built kept you safe, and they did 179 00:19:07.880 --> 00:19:12.920 their job, but you do not have to live behind 180 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:16.039 them forever. You are allowed to leave a window open, 181 00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:22.319 You are allowed to let someone see the soft parts. 182 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:30.319 You are allowed finally to be known, not for what 183 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:35.319 you have accomplished, not for what you have gotten through, 184 00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:49.799 just for who you are, quietly, imperfect, tenderly. So go gently, 185 00:19:50.880 --> 00:19:55.880 go gently through the rest this day. Notice the moments 186 00:19:55.880 --> 00:20:00.559 where you feel like hiding, Notice the moment where you 187 00:20:00.640 --> 00:20:07.079 feel like letting someone in. And instead of automatically choosing 188 00:20:07.119 --> 00:20:13.599 the wall, try just once choosing the window.