WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.240 --> 00:00:05.360 Okay, facing reality, that's what far Ali said. You gotta 2 00:00:05.400 --> 00:00:10.400 do facing reality. That doesn't sound promising for a black 3 00:00:10.960 --> 00:00:12.000 marriage Monday. 4 00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:14.359 But do you want to stay together? Do you want 5 00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:15.119 to make it better? 6 00:00:15.359 --> 00:00:19.800 Well? We are being joined by a leadership and communications expert. 7 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:22.480 He's an author, a speaker and educator, and a coach. 8 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:27.440 His books include No Excuse, Guide to Success From Average 9 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:31.760 to Awesome and Crash and Learn. Better known as Mister Energy, 10 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:37.840 he's a Philadelphia native, a professional and personal development expert, 11 00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:43.840 the founder and CEO of Jim Smith International, Jim Smith 12 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:47.520 Junior Doctor James Smith. 13 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:51.000 Good morning, Good morning too. You know what an honor 14 00:00:51.039 --> 00:00:52.520 and privilege would be with you? Thank you? 15 00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:56.359 Yeah, it's great to have you on. And it's you know, 16 00:00:56.399 --> 00:00:58.960 it sounds like you. You spend a lot of time 17 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:06.680 working with institutions, you know, Prudential, Vanguard, Core States Bank, 18 00:01:06.799 --> 00:01:12.079 these sort of corporate entities teaching people how to communicate 19 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:16.439 better for better results. Is that the same is a 20 00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:20.879 marriage or a relationship? Should we be viewing it as 21 00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:25.560 an institution or a corporation in terms of putting into 22 00:01:25.640 --> 00:01:29.200 practice best practices of communication? 23 00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:33.680 By and large, I would say yes, But I believe 24 00:01:33.719 --> 00:01:38.359 in situations of marriage where it's more intimate, there's a 25 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:44.120 greater degree of authenticity and vulnerability that's needed. I've done 26 00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:48.159 a great deal of research on authenticity at work, and 27 00:01:48.280 --> 00:01:51.280 through that research I found out going in, I believe 28 00:01:51.359 --> 00:01:55.640 that authenticity was either or either authentic or inauthentic. And 29 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:57.840 I learned through my research that is a matter more 30 00:01:57.920 --> 00:02:01.840 or less and me choose how authentic to be given 31 00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:06.959 the circumstance. And unfortunately, I'm finding corporate there's not a 32 00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:10.199 lot of authenticity, or as much as it should. There's 33 00:02:10.280 --> 00:02:13.039 companies speak, it's here's what I want you to know. 34 00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:20.639 I can't tell you everything. You know, Yes, your head's spinning. 35 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:24.039 And in your marriage, you never want your partner to 36 00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:26.639 leave a room or to leave a conversation with their 37 00:02:26.680 --> 00:02:29.960 head spinning. I believe the stakes are higher. 38 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:31.960 I think that's right that you don't want them to 39 00:02:32.039 --> 00:02:34.039 leave going what just happened? 40 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:40.479 You know? I agree, And unfortunately, I've been in situations 41 00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:46.319 where I went into that conversation and afterwards but did 42 00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:48.520 I say, how did we get that? We started here 43 00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:51.960 and now we're there? And my head was spinning. So 44 00:02:52.599 --> 00:02:56.520 I believe that, honest, Frank, authentic communication is vital. 45 00:02:56.919 --> 00:02:59.719 I mean vital, but it sounds like you're saying that 46 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:02.159 all authenticity is on a spectrum. 47 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:06.599 I was speaking with this woman more t Harra Poor. 48 00:03:07.159 --> 00:03:11.039 She has a book called Bring Yourself, How to Negotiate Fearlessly. 49 00:03:11.240 --> 00:03:14.479 She's you know, she's out of the Wharton School, and 50 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:18.439 she talks about negotiation right. And one of the things 51 00:03:18.439 --> 00:03:21.240 she says, it sounds like you guys have this in common, 52 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:25.919 is that authenticity is really more important than some special 53 00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:32.120 skill or some technique. Is that just showing up? And actually, 54 00:03:33.159 --> 00:03:36.240 I like the rappers say keeping it real is much 55 00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:38.400 more important than anything else. 56 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:43.400 I believe that I'm not a big Kurt Cobang fan, 57 00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:46.879 but I did like his narrative when he said I'd 58 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.159 rather be hated for who I am than loved for 59 00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:54.000 who I'm not. And unfortunately, I believe that many people 60 00:03:54.039 --> 00:03:56.680 in corporate every day is Halloween trick or treat. Put 61 00:03:56.719 --> 00:03:58.240 the face on, fake it till you make it, go 62 00:03:58.280 --> 00:04:01.560 along and get along, chourage people to hone it until 63 00:04:01.560 --> 00:04:04.800 you own it. But you're working it. And I believe 64 00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:08.439 in marriages that should be the same working it, honing 65 00:04:08.479 --> 00:04:13.680 it and showing up as a hundred percent authentic as 66 00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:14.159 you can. 67 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:19.240 How does that work if authenticity is on a spectrum? 68 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:23.720 I mean, is that like I'm I'm a little bit lying, 69 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:27.120 I'm a little bit misrepresenting. I mean, I don't I'm 70 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.240 not quite I know, like I in a way I 71 00:04:30.279 --> 00:04:33.600 get it because I am on the radio every day, 72 00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:37.120 and I sure I am authentic. I believe I'm authentic. 73 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:39.480 But I'll tell you all my business like I'm not 74 00:04:39.480 --> 00:04:40.079 going to tell. 75 00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:41.560 You all my business. 76 00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:44.759 Absolutely, I'll tell too much, but not all of. 77 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:51.040 It that's referred. I'm reminded of a situation where I 78 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:53.800 was doing some leadership training. It was right after Katrina 79 00:04:54.279 --> 00:04:57.680 in New Orleans, and I'm working with the client and 80 00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:01.199 of the senior leaders the room, there was only one 81 00:05:01.240 --> 00:05:05.240 brother there, and during a break, a woman came up 82 00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:08.240 to him and asked him, do you think the government's 83 00:05:08.759 --> 00:05:14.000 slow response to the Katrina victims was because the Orleans 84 00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:17.360 is primarily a black city? And my friend said, I 85 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:20.759 wasn't answering that no way. There was no way I 86 00:05:20.759 --> 00:05:23.639 can win by sharing my truth. So I said, I 87 00:05:23.639 --> 00:05:27.399 can see why people might think that way. But he 88 00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:29.959 wasn't going to give his truth because he didn't feel 89 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:31.399 psychologically safe. 90 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:35.879 He didn't want to be the poster boy in that moment. Absolutely, 91 00:05:35.959 --> 00:05:39.000 So are you saying is that authentic? Is that what 92 00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:39.560 you're saying? 93 00:05:41.079 --> 00:05:43.920 I said, I believe that is authentic. Where he decided 94 00:05:44.839 --> 00:05:52.079 from perceived consequences that it would be more helpful for 95 00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:54.800 his career that he did not if he did not 96 00:05:54.920 --> 00:05:56.600 disclose that truth. 97 00:05:57.079 --> 00:05:58.079 Sad but true. 98 00:05:58.720 --> 00:05:58.879 Yeah. 99 00:05:58.920 --> 00:06:02.839 I mean, I remember during the O. J. 100 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:06.920 Simpson days in LA that was like the that was 101 00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:09.240 the litmus test. White people would come up to you 102 00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:10.879 and ask you, so, what do you think about OJ? 103 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:14.959 And it was really it was real. The real question 104 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:19.839 was will you betray your community? 105 00:06:20.279 --> 00:06:21.360 That was the real question. 106 00:06:22.519 --> 00:06:27.000 And I remember that the great philosopher Neelie Fuller told us, 107 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:28.839 we're meant to say I know two things. 108 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:32.399 Two people are dead, and I didn't do it. 109 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:38.680 That's awesome. 110 00:06:39.399 --> 00:06:40.399 So I mean, I and. 111 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:45.399 So I suppose that is authentic. But but when we talk. 112 00:06:45.279 --> 00:06:49.600 About we should we should know that when we are authentic, 113 00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:54.680 and this is with our employer, corporate boss, whatever, and 114 00:06:54.920 --> 00:07:00.240 with our partner, there comes a risk and that level 115 00:07:00.279 --> 00:07:05.920 of authenticity may get you wounded. However, if you stay 116 00:07:05.959 --> 00:07:09.560 true to your values and beliefs. You're going to at 117 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:12.360 some point learn how to walk with the wound, because 118 00:07:12.399 --> 00:07:16.040 you're going to share something that someone disagrees with or 119 00:07:16.040 --> 00:07:18.879 doesn't see it the way you see it, and maybe 120 00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:22.560 not for enough along on their journey, and their response 121 00:07:23.079 --> 00:07:26.680 to you may create disharmony in that relationship. 122 00:07:28.839 --> 00:07:34.319 Yeah, is that creating the disharmony or is our response 123 00:07:34.439 --> 00:07:36.800 to it creating the disharmony. 124 00:07:38.279 --> 00:07:40.279 I think it's a combination. Number One I think is 125 00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:44.639 how you share your truth. Our pastor when we were 126 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:47.160 getting married, you used to always say share your truth 127 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:50.480 and love you share your truth, but do it in 128 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:54.120 a loving and loving fashion, so as we are not sugarcoating, 129 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:56.839 but we're communicating in a way where someone's going to 130 00:07:56.879 --> 00:08:01.120 receive what you have to say than it turning into 131 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:04.319 what I call a right fight, both people fighting to 132 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:04.680 be right. 133 00:08:04.839 --> 00:08:05.759 A right fight. 134 00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:08.839 Okay, I mean, what's the loving way to say you're fat? 135 00:08:08.920 --> 00:08:11.879 I mean, maybe that's a bad example, but you know 136 00:08:11.959 --> 00:08:13.839 there are some things. 137 00:08:13.800 --> 00:08:17.879 That you know that are maybe baby, baby, baby, I 138 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:19.920 love it when you wear that red dress, but I 139 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:22.680 haven't seen it in a minute. 140 00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:25.399 That's that's okay. 141 00:08:26.279 --> 00:08:30.639 But it's the uplift. It's the uplift and let's work 142 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:33.200 on it together. What can I do? What can you do? 143 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:37.559 Certainly not to tear them down by speaking negatively or 144 00:08:37.759 --> 00:08:40.360 even something you're trying to get the truth on what happened, 145 00:08:41.320 --> 00:08:45.200 oftentimes by saying why did you do that? Ding? Ding? 146 00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:49.080 The fights on? Yeah, you could, you could reframe it, 147 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:51.200 tell me about who you talk to, or tell me 148 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:54.799 about what went into it. We could tell me about 149 00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:57.879 you're asking the person to talk, rather than saying why 150 00:08:57.879 --> 00:09:00.159 did you and the person might shut down because that 151 00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:00.639 wanted to. 152 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:01.759 Yeah. 153 00:09:01.840 --> 00:09:06.399 So it's how we communicate, how we reframe situations, and 154 00:09:06.440 --> 00:09:09.879 it's the energy that we have created in the number 155 00:09:09.960 --> 00:09:13.840 of deposits we've made in each other's journey. 156 00:09:14.559 --> 00:09:18.039 Alrighty, well, we're going to practice this. We're gonna get 157 00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:25.879 good at this. We're going to communicate better in marriage, relationships, situationships, negotiationships. 158 00:09:25.960 --> 00:09:26.720 That's not a word. 159 00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:29.320 Doctor James Smith is with me and you're listening to 160 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:31.120 KBLA Talk fifteen to eighty. 161 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:33.600 Right now, you're waking up with doctor James Smith. 162 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:36.639 It's a Black Marriage Monday, and he's supplying his expertise 163 00:09:36.679 --> 00:09:43.879 in communications to our quandary about how to build stronger 164 00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:46.399 and more resilient marriages. 165 00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.320 Or long term committed relationships, even if you. 166 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.200 All don't have a piece of paper, even you know 167 00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:59.519 whatever you got going on a forensic pink right forensic 168 00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:03.679 account and says in the YouTube chat, I'd refrain from 169 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:05.799 any negative comments during menopause. 170 00:10:05.840 --> 00:10:07.600 As a man, you have no idea. 171 00:10:08.840 --> 00:10:12.679 Yoga Fish says, most arguments come from misunderstandings, and I 172 00:10:12.799 --> 00:10:17.919 hate to argue, but as couples, it's sometimes it seems 173 00:10:17.960 --> 00:10:23.960 like the more we love each other, the more we argue. 174 00:10:24.360 --> 00:10:27.360 I believe that, but I believe at one point in 175 00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:31.799 that relationship the conversations were about what do you need? 176 00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:36.080 How can I help? I was thinking about you, and 177 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:40.279 unfortunately it evolves into you haven't done this, you haven't 178 00:10:40.320 --> 00:10:43.080 done that. When's the last time you? So it went 179 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:47.440 from what can I do? To now pointing the accusatory 180 00:10:47.519 --> 00:10:50.679 singer of you, and that turns into a right fight, 181 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:54.559 It turns into a debate and will keep repeating the 182 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:56.120 same patterns. 183 00:10:55.720 --> 00:10:59.759 I think about two things when I'm having discussions or 184 00:10:59.759 --> 00:11:04.159 our immense doctor James Smith. One is Ion levan zandt 185 00:11:04.440 --> 00:11:07.799 saying would you rather be right or would you rather 186 00:11:07.879 --> 00:11:12.759 be happy to be happy? 187 00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:16.399 That one hit me kind of hard. Do you want 188 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:18.000 to be right or do you want to be happy? 189 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:19.799 I'll pick happy? 190 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:24.559 Uh Andy, Yeah, But a lot of times when we 191 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:26.799 get caught up in the moment, we're not thinking about that, 192 00:11:26.840 --> 00:11:30.240 we're just it becomes almost like a zero some game 193 00:11:30.399 --> 00:11:33.799 rather than a conversation with a loved one. 194 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:39.039 And I agree. And here's the unfortunate part. A lot 195 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:42.720 of that is stemming from a life trap that we 196 00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:46.960 developed when we were young, whether it's our siblings, our parents, 197 00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:49.200 we were treated a certain type of way, and we 198 00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:55.200 begun began to act on that either defensively, dismissively, moving away. 199 00:11:55.879 --> 00:11:59.039 And as we continue to grow older, that life trap 200 00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:02.600 is still thus because we haven't confronted it, and we 201 00:12:02.759 --> 00:12:07.120 take it into every relationship. So when you're triggered, you 202 00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:10.080 go back to the I got to take care of myself. 203 00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:11.320 Yeah, I know you are. 204 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:12.480 I'm thinking about it. 205 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:17.559 No, it's not, yes, it is no, it's not. Yeah. 206 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:21.600 And I think that the other thing that I learned 207 00:12:21.639 --> 00:12:23.360 that was helpful for me, and I wonder if you 208 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:25.919 have you agree with this or you have similar rules, 209 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:30.279 is that when I hear myself saying you never or 210 00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:33.759 you always, those are red flags and I need to 211 00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:36.840 check myself because as soon as I'm saying you never 212 00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:41.039 or you always, I'm not allowing the other person anywhere 213 00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:41.440 to go. 214 00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:47.080 You're not, You're not. And where is your focus on 215 00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:50.360 what you perceive me to be doing wrong? Or is 216 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:54.320 it how you can refrain how you see it? Or 217 00:12:54.720 --> 00:12:59.360 can we sit down and discuss this in a civilized matter, 218 00:12:59.480 --> 00:13:04.080 because to focus on grows. So if you focus on 219 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:06.600 what you perceive to be one of my blind spots, 220 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:10.200 oh that's going to grow huge because that's what your 221 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:13.559 focus is, rather than how can we work more effectively 222 00:13:13.600 --> 00:13:16.279 together to contine this journey. We're in the. 223 00:13:16.200 --> 00:13:19.200 Moment that fight, okay. 224 00:13:19.279 --> 00:13:24.200 So Qualmela is saying, how do you resolve conflict and tension? 225 00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:28.240 He says his wife and this man Morris in the 226 00:13:28.320 --> 00:13:30.840 chat He says his wife and him have never argued 227 00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:33.600 in decades they've been married. She loves the Lord and 228 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:36.840 I love her. He says, he's not bragging, it is 229 00:13:36.879 --> 00:13:39.159 what it is. And Cowamela is asking, so how do 230 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:42.600 you how do you resolve conflict? And you know I've 231 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.559 I've had this conversation before. In other context, when couple 232 00:13:46.679 --> 00:13:49.759 say they don't argue, is that good? Does that mean 233 00:13:49.799 --> 00:13:53.639 that they're ignoring stuff? Or they you know, or they 234 00:13:53.759 --> 00:13:56.840 just have found a way to let it all go. 235 00:13:57.000 --> 00:13:59.600 I mean, I feel like that's a little scary, like 236 00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:04.639 maybe they're not dealing with stuff. 237 00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:10.559 I think it's a matter of both and or. I 238 00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:15.080 do believe that a God fearing marriage, where people understand 239 00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:20.240 their role in this partnership and choose God first, that 240 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:23.000 can play a key role. But I also say to 241 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:27.120 the other side of the point, are you talking, are 242 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:31.840 you sharing your truth? Are you sharing your concerns? Or 243 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:34.279 are you keeping it in? And of course you don't 244 00:14:34.279 --> 00:14:38.559 want to be a NonStop, on demand complainer, But when 245 00:14:38.600 --> 00:14:43.759 you do get into that conflict, Michael, my questions to 246 00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:47.559 ask you, are you trying to fix? Are you trying 247 00:14:47.559 --> 00:14:48.240 to understand? 248 00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:50.360 Oh that's a great question. 249 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:55.320 Yeah, And depending on where your mindset is will oftentimes 250 00:14:55.320 --> 00:14:59.720 determine the outcome. Because if you're trying to fix, you're 251 00:15:00.039 --> 00:15:03.159 that place I hate, and it's called devil's advocate. Let 252 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:05.879 me play devil's advocate. Let me put no, no. None of 253 00:15:05.960 --> 00:15:09.279 your goal is to be right, but if it's to 254 00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:14.200 help me understand, if it's to accept your truth as 255 00:15:14.360 --> 00:15:17.360 truth for you, it doesn't have to be true for me. 256 00:15:17.879 --> 00:15:19.600 But I'm going to say, if that's how you feel, 257 00:15:19.679 --> 00:15:21.639 then that's how you feel. And I'm not going to 258 00:15:21.679 --> 00:15:23.879 shoot on you by telling you how you should feel. 259 00:15:24.919 --> 00:15:29.120 I want to uncover, I want to create unfolding dialogue. 260 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:32.120 I want to learn. I don't want to prove you wrong. 261 00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:36.039 And depending on what mindset we have again, we'll play 262 00:15:36.039 --> 00:15:37.840 a role in the outcome of that conversation. 263 00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:42.559 Yeah, I mean, that's the devil's advocate thing is a 264 00:15:42.559 --> 00:15:45.559 little pet peeve of mine too. Just be the people's 265 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:47.240 advocate or be your own advocate. 266 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:49.919 You don't need to advocate for the devil. He's got 267 00:15:49.960 --> 00:15:50.559 that covered. 268 00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:55.080 But but Morris is not feeling me. He says, what 269 00:15:55.120 --> 00:15:58.600 I'm saying is BS, and Okay, that's fine. He said, 270 00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:00.919 if you don't have a strong, loving, really relationship, please 271 00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:04.440 be quiet. I think people process things in different ways. 272 00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:09.519 But you know, some of us like to talk a 273 00:16:09.559 --> 00:16:12.600 lot and some of us like to process a different way. 274 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:18.279 Do you have any you know, any other kind of 275 00:16:18.399 --> 00:16:20.960 dues and don'ts like that? Like I like I whenever 276 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:24.919 I hear myself now say you never or you always? 277 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:27.320 I you know what, Give me a second, let me 278 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:29.759 think this through, Let me breathe a few times and 279 00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:32.919 come back and we'll we'll put a pin in this. 280 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:35.799 Are there any other things like that where we might 281 00:16:37.960 --> 00:16:42.399 where we might hear ourselves and say, you know what, No, 282 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:46.039 I need to refrain. Yeah, I'm caught up in this moment. 283 00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:49.559 I'm being as as Sahara Ali always says, be wise, 284 00:16:49.639 --> 00:16:50.399 not emotional. 285 00:16:50.440 --> 00:16:54.279 I'm being emotional right now. Let me reel it in. 286 00:16:56.080 --> 00:17:01.000 I know one thing for sure. Every time I have 287 00:17:01.960 --> 00:17:07.559 moved into a conversation after I've been triggered and I 288 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:12.640 say to myself, this isn't going to end well? Is 289 00:17:12.680 --> 00:17:18.119 it worth it? And every time I've moved forward triggered, 290 00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:23.279 it didn't end well. It became explosive. So what I 291 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:26.880 should have done is go back to my favorite chair, 292 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:33.200 sit down, hands on knees, count to one hundred, prey 293 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:37.000 on it. And if I'm not triggered, if I'm not 294 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:42.200 ready to go yet, stay there. You are not going 295 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:48.279 to have a positive conversation if you walk in sweating. 296 00:17:49.160 --> 00:17:51.319 They always say that the boxer when he or she's 297 00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.759 about to fight. If they walk in the ring dry, 298 00:17:54.440 --> 00:17:56.920 they're going to get knocked out. But if they walk 299 00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.279 in sweating, you know what's going to be on. So 300 00:17:59.400 --> 00:18:03.440 you walk into that conversation sweating, You didn't walk in 301 00:18:03.480 --> 00:18:08.160 to have a peaceful conversation. You win, right, right, right. 302 00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:11.759 And in life, they say, when we're young, we look 303 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:14.599 a lot like our parents, but when we get older, 304 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:18.160 we look a lot like our choices. So what are 305 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:24.079 we choosing in that moment of conflict or communication or disagreement. 306 00:18:24.119 --> 00:18:27.440 What are you choosing? And oftentimes you want to get 307 00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:30.839 what you choose, and that, unfortunately, is that desire to 308 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:35.359 be right. That is a relationship killer. Wanting to be right. 309 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:39.720 Yeah, I mean, I get it. 310 00:18:39.720 --> 00:18:42.160 It's nice to be right, but. 311 00:18:43.960 --> 00:18:45.960 It's nice to be in a marriage too, or in 312 00:18:46.279 --> 00:18:53.240 a loving relationship. Jerry Anderson is in the chat. He says, hey, Morse, 313 00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:56.599 does that translate into things women shouldn't be speaking up on? 314 00:18:56.680 --> 00:18:56.960 Either? 315 00:18:57.319 --> 00:18:59.079 A man can be told to shut up all the 316 00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:00.759 time telling a woman what. 317 00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:03.519 You can't speak on. Okay, we've only got. 318 00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:05.319 Two minutes here, doctor James Smith. 319 00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:09.240 I'm going to lose, Yes, I'm going to lose some 320 00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:14.160 brother points right here because I'm reading into the comment, 321 00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:19.920 which is to be right. I have learned that as 322 00:19:20.079 --> 00:19:23.920 much as we want to be equal, we are wired differently. 323 00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:27.359 And every time I've gotten into an argument with my 324 00:19:27.480 --> 00:19:30.720 spouse and I say, you keep cutting me off, but 325 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:37.839 that's going to end in disaster. So it's fielded process 326 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:42.960 and prayerfully move forward. I learned a long time that 327 00:19:43.240 --> 00:19:46.519 we are wired differently. So to try to get a 328 00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:51.400 woman to act like a man and vice versa, then 329 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:53.759 the woman doesn't need that man, or the man doesn't 330 00:19:53.759 --> 00:19:58.359 need that woman. Understand the dichotomy. The difference is in 331 00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:02.720 the relationship. And yes, there are some things, some words 332 00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:08.319 that sting a lot more. And there's no rules for argument, 333 00:20:09.680 --> 00:20:13.640 I've been told consistently. Now we're arguing about the rules 334 00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:17.279 of argument rather than who's coming in late and who's 335 00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:20.000 coming in early and who's not cleaning up the conversations 336 00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:25.400 Now on the rules and guys, as a person who's 337 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:27.160 been on the receiving end, you're not going to win that. 338 00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:32.440 So how important is it? How important is it? It's 339 00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:36.279 frustrating to be interrupted, but you're not going to change 340 00:20:36.279 --> 00:20:37.000 that score. 341 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:40.640 Yeah, Wow, A bunch of greats. 342 00:20:40.279 --> 00:20:43.680 And were interrupted at work that boss talk over. 343 00:20:43.759 --> 00:20:47.079 You're right right, right, right right, well yeah, yeah, I 344 00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:50.359 mean yeah, We've got news, traffic and sports right here. 345 00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:54.000 We'll address the twenty seven questions you brought up when 346 00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:57.200 we just when we come forward along with Big John, 347 00:20:57.200 --> 00:20:59.720 who says being all the way authentic will have a 348 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:03.160 person some single and unemployed, Well address thatded more after news, 349 00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:08.839 traffic and sports only right here, and it's scholarly match 350 00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:12.839 is almost always you and we're pleased to be talking 351 00:21:12.880 --> 00:21:16.640 on this black marriage Monday with doctor James Smith. He's 352 00:21:16.680 --> 00:21:20.359 an expert on communications, leadership, communications, the author of books 353 00:21:20.359 --> 00:21:25.160 including The No Excuse Guide to Success and from Averaged Awesome. 354 00:21:25.480 --> 00:21:29.480 You can find out more at doctor James Smith Junior 355 00:21:29.599 --> 00:21:33.839 dot com Doctor James Smith Jr. Don't spell out junior 356 00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:38.200 doctor James Smith Junior dot com and you can order 357 00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:41.960 his books there and find out much much more applying 358 00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:47.480 these principles to relationships. Wrote down several questions here, some 359 00:21:47.640 --> 00:21:50.079 of them coming from our Chack Qwamel wants to know 360 00:21:50.599 --> 00:21:54.079 if you believe in the age Old Adage, then men 361 00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:57.680 should not argue with women period. 362 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:05.680 To me, argue sounds like a fight so that's the question. Yes, 363 00:22:05.799 --> 00:22:11.880 I believe that. I believe men and women should have 364 00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:17.599 conversations expressing their once, their thoughts, their needs, their desires, 365 00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:23.440 and give the other opportunity to listen, perhaps refrain, and 366 00:22:23.480 --> 00:22:27.119 not look to be right. But when I hear argue, 367 00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:29.480 I can't think of an argument that ever won with 368 00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:31.960 a woman, my daughter, my mother, and my wife. Is 369 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:36.200 not going to happen, you know, So let's let's discuss it. 370 00:22:36.480 --> 00:22:39.240 And I believe there was a conversation in the chat 371 00:22:39.319 --> 00:22:43.000 room previously about if you're always authentic, the lead to 372 00:22:43.039 --> 00:22:47.160 a variety of negative factors. I believe through my research 373 00:22:47.240 --> 00:22:53.359 there is what's called a threshold for authentic expression. Initially, 374 00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:55.720 the first part of the threshold is to fake it 375 00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:57.960 to you and make it not sharing your truth, being 376 00:22:58.039 --> 00:23:03.200 passive and not being authentic. In the middle, I would say, 377 00:23:03.559 --> 00:23:05.880 from say we go one to ten, I would say 378 00:23:05.880 --> 00:23:09.200 from a four to eight, you're leaning more towards true 379 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:13.240 authentic expression. That is acceptable. But if you are an 380 00:23:13.319 --> 00:23:21.079 authentic narcissist, racism, whatever, those go against the cultural, more rays, 381 00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:25.160 the organizational, more raised the values that you're establishing your relationship, 382 00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:28.240 So all bets are off if you're going buck while crazy, 383 00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:34.559 you know, insane with your degree of authenticity, it doesn't 384 00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:40.759 jive with the social, organizational or family fundamental more rays 385 00:23:40.839 --> 00:23:41.440 that exists. 386 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:45.440 So that's why you're back to this idea of authenticity 387 00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:49.680 being on a spectrum and or the tone I mean, 388 00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:52.880 because tone and how you deliver it is all so important. 389 00:23:55.039 --> 00:24:01.400 Yes, that's the wrapping of the gifts inside. And the 390 00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:06.720 gift is feedback, And if you want someone to receive feedback, 391 00:24:06.759 --> 00:24:10.279 well it's how you frame it. When I do coaching 392 00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:13.720 on presentation skills, where someone stands up and they present 393 00:24:13.839 --> 00:24:18.119 virtually or in person, I give them feedback three ways. 394 00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:23.480 The first p is praise, the second p is polish, 395 00:24:24.200 --> 00:24:26.920 in the third pie is possibility. So the praise what 396 00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:30.839 you did extremely well, the polish what you could do better, 397 00:24:31.400 --> 00:24:34.599 and the possibility a way for you to do it better. 398 00:24:35.240 --> 00:24:39.519 And people receive that feedback much better than positive constructive 399 00:24:40.119 --> 00:24:42.319 or what you did right. What you did wrong is 400 00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:47.240 communicating clearly so the person can feel it, see it, 401 00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:51.440