Speaker 1: Okay, facing reality, that's what far Ali said. You gotta
Speaker 1: do facing reality. That doesn't sound promising for a black
Speaker 1: marriage Monday.
Speaker 2: But do you want to stay together? Do you want
Speaker 2: to make it better?
Speaker 1: Well? We are being joined by a leadership and communications expert.
Speaker 1: He's an author, a speaker and educator, and a coach.
Speaker 1: His books include No Excuse, Guide to Success From Average
Speaker 1: to Awesome and Crash and Learn. Better known as Mister Energy,
Speaker 1: he's a Philadelphia native, a professional and personal development expert,
Speaker 1: the founder and CEO of Jim Smith International, Jim Smith
Speaker 1: Junior Doctor James Smith.
Speaker 3: Good morning, Good morning too. You know what an honor
Speaker 3: and privilege would be with you? Thank you?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's great to have you on. And it's you know,
Speaker 1: it sounds like you. You spend a lot of time
Speaker 1: working with institutions, you know, Prudential, Vanguard, Core States Bank,
Speaker 1: these sort of corporate entities teaching people how to communicate
Speaker 1: better for better results. Is that the same is a
Speaker 1: marriage or a relationship? Should we be viewing it as
Speaker 1: an institution or a corporation in terms of putting into
Speaker 1: practice best practices of communication?
Speaker 3: By and large, I would say yes, But I believe
Speaker 3: in situations of marriage where it's more intimate, there's a
Speaker 3: greater degree of authenticity and vulnerability that's needed. I've done
Speaker 3: a great deal of research on authenticity at work, and
Speaker 3: through that research I found out going in, I believe
Speaker 3: that authenticity was either or either authentic or inauthentic. And
Speaker 3: I learned through my research that is a matter more
Speaker 3: or less and me choose how authentic to be given
Speaker 3: the circumstance. And unfortunately, I'm finding corporate there's not a
Speaker 3: lot of authenticity, or as much as it should. There's
Speaker 3: companies speak, it's here's what I want you to know.
Speaker 3: I can't tell you everything. You know, Yes, your head's spinning.
Speaker 3: And in your marriage, you never want your partner to
Speaker 3: leave a room or to leave a conversation with their
Speaker 3: head spinning. I believe the stakes are higher.
Speaker 1: I think that's right that you don't want them to
Speaker 1: leave going what just happened?
Speaker 3: You know? I agree, And unfortunately, I've been in situations
Speaker 3: where I went into that conversation and afterwards but did
Speaker 3: I say, how did we get that? We started here
Speaker 3: and now we're there? And my head was spinning. So
Speaker 3: I believe that, honest, Frank, authentic communication is vital.
Speaker 1: I mean vital, but it sounds like you're saying that
Speaker 1: all authenticity is on a spectrum.
Speaker 2: I was speaking with this woman more t Harra Poor.
Speaker 1: She has a book called Bring Yourself, How to Negotiate Fearlessly.
Speaker 1: She's you know, she's out of the Wharton School, and
Speaker 1: she talks about negotiation right. And one of the things
Speaker 1: she says, it sounds like you guys have this in common,
Speaker 1: is that authenticity is really more important than some special
Speaker 1: skill or some technique. Is that just showing up? And actually,
Speaker 1: I like the rappers say keeping it real is much
Speaker 1: more important than anything else.
Speaker 3: I believe that I'm not a big Kurt Cobang fan,
Speaker 3: but I did like his narrative when he said I'd
Speaker 3: rather be hated for who I am than loved for
Speaker 3: who I'm not. And unfortunately, I believe that many people
Speaker 3: in corporate every day is Halloween trick or treat. Put
Speaker 3: the face on, fake it till you make it, go
Speaker 3: along and get along, chourage people to hone it until
Speaker 3: you own it. But you're working it. And I believe
Speaker 3: in marriages that should be the same working it, honing
Speaker 3: it and showing up as a hundred percent authentic as
Speaker 3: you can.
Speaker 1: How does that work if authenticity is on a spectrum?
Speaker 1: I mean, is that like I'm I'm a little bit lying,
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit misrepresenting. I mean, I don't I'm
Speaker 1: not quite I know, like I in a way I
Speaker 1: get it because I am on the radio every day,
Speaker 1: and I sure I am authentic. I believe I'm authentic.
Speaker 1: But I'll tell you all my business like I'm not
Speaker 1: going to tell.
Speaker 2: You all my business.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'll tell too much, but not all of.
Speaker 3: It that's referred. I'm reminded of a situation where I
Speaker 3: was doing some leadership training. It was right after Katrina
Speaker 3: in New Orleans, and I'm working with the client and
Speaker 3: of the senior leaders the room, there was only one
Speaker 3: brother there, and during a break, a woman came up
Speaker 3: to him and asked him, do you think the government's
Speaker 3: slow response to the Katrina victims was because the Orleans
Speaker 3: is primarily a black city? And my friend said, I
Speaker 3: wasn't answering that no way. There was no way I
Speaker 3: can win by sharing my truth. So I said, I
Speaker 3: can see why people might think that way. But he
Speaker 3: wasn't going to give his truth because he didn't feel
Speaker 3: psychologically safe.
Speaker 1: He didn't want to be the poster boy in that moment. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: So are you saying is that authentic? Is that what
Speaker 1: you're saying?
Speaker 3: I said, I believe that is authentic. Where he decided
Speaker 3: from perceived consequences that it would be more helpful for
Speaker 3: his career that he did not if he did not
Speaker 3: disclose that truth.
Speaker 2: Sad but true.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, I remember during the O. J.
Speaker 1: Simpson days in LA that was like the that was
Speaker 1: the litmus test. White people would come up to you
Speaker 1: and ask you, so, what do you think about OJ?
Speaker 1: And it was really it was real. The real question
Speaker 1: was will you betray your community?
Speaker 2: That was the real question.
Speaker 1: And I remember that the great philosopher Neelie Fuller told us,
Speaker 1: we're meant to say I know two things.
Speaker 2: Two people are dead, and I didn't do it.
Speaker 3: That's awesome.
Speaker 2: So I mean, I and.
Speaker 1: So I suppose that is authentic. But but when we talk.
Speaker 3: About we should we should know that when we are authentic,
Speaker 3: and this is with our employer, corporate boss, whatever, and
Speaker 3: with our partner, there comes a risk and that level
Speaker 3: of authenticity may get you wounded. However, if you stay
Speaker 3: true to your values and beliefs. You're going to at
Speaker 3: some point learn how to walk with the wound, because
Speaker 3: you're going to share something that someone disagrees with or
Speaker 3: doesn't see it the way you see it, and maybe
Speaker 3: not for enough along on their journey, and their response
Speaker 3: to you may create disharmony in that relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, is that creating the disharmony or is our response
Speaker 1: to it creating the disharmony.
Speaker 3: I think it's a combination. Number One I think is
Speaker 3: how you share your truth. Our pastor when we were
Speaker 3: getting married, you used to always say share your truth
Speaker 3: and love you share your truth, but do it in
Speaker 3: a loving and loving fashion, so as we are not sugarcoating,
Speaker 3: but we're communicating in a way where someone's going to
Speaker 3: receive what you have to say than it turning into
Speaker 3: what I call a right fight, both people fighting to
Speaker 3: be right.
Speaker 2: A right fight.
Speaker 1: Okay, I mean, what's the loving way to say you're fat?
Speaker 1: I mean, maybe that's a bad example, but you know
Speaker 1: there are some things.
Speaker 3: That you know that are maybe baby, baby, baby, I
Speaker 3: love it when you wear that red dress, but I
Speaker 3: haven't seen it in a minute.
Speaker 1: That's that's okay.
Speaker 3: But it's the uplift. It's the uplift and let's work
Speaker 3: on it together. What can I do? What can you do?
Speaker 3: Certainly not to tear them down by speaking negatively or
Speaker 3: even something you're trying to get the truth on what happened,
Speaker 3: oftentimes by saying why did you do that? Ding? Ding?
Speaker 3: The fights on? Yeah, you could, you could reframe it,
Speaker 3: tell me about who you talk to, or tell me
Speaker 3: about what went into it. We could tell me about
Speaker 3: you're asking the person to talk, rather than saying why
Speaker 3: did you and the person might shut down because that
Speaker 3: wanted to.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So it's how we communicate, how we reframe situations, and
Speaker 3: it's the energy that we have created in the number
Speaker 3: of deposits we've made in each other's journey.
Speaker 1: Alrighty, well, we're going to practice this. We're gonna get
Speaker 1: good at this. We're going to communicate better in marriage, relationships, situationships, negotiationships.
Speaker 2: That's not a word.
Speaker 1: Doctor James Smith is with me and you're listening to
Speaker 1: KBLA Talk fifteen to eighty.
Speaker 2: Right now, you're waking up with doctor James Smith.
Speaker 1: It's a Black Marriage Monday, and he's supplying his expertise
Speaker 1: in communications to our quandary about how to build stronger
Speaker 1: and more resilient marriages.
Speaker 2: Or long term committed relationships, even if you.
Speaker 1: All don't have a piece of paper, even you know
Speaker 1: whatever you got going on a forensic pink right forensic
Speaker 1: account and says in the YouTube chat, I'd refrain from
Speaker 1: any negative comments during menopause.
Speaker 2: As a man, you have no idea.
Speaker 1: Yoga Fish says, most arguments come from misunderstandings, and I
Speaker 1: hate to argue, but as couples, it's sometimes it seems
Speaker 1: like the more we love each other, the more we argue.
Speaker 3: I believe that, but I believe at one point in
Speaker 3: that relationship the conversations were about what do you need?
Speaker 3: How can I help? I was thinking about you, and
Speaker 3: unfortunately it evolves into you haven't done this, you haven't
Speaker 3: done that. When's the last time you? So it went
Speaker 3: from what can I do? To now pointing the accusatory
Speaker 3: singer of you, and that turns into a right fight,
Speaker 3: It turns into a debate and will keep repeating the
Speaker 3: same patterns.
Speaker 1: I think about two things when I'm having discussions or
Speaker 1: our immense doctor James Smith. One is Ion levan zandt
Speaker 1: saying would you rather be right or would you rather
Speaker 1: be happy to be happy?
Speaker 2: That one hit me kind of hard. Do you want
Speaker 2: to be right or do you want to be happy?
Speaker 2: I'll pick happy?
Speaker 1: Uh Andy, Yeah, But a lot of times when we
Speaker 1: get caught up in the moment, we're not thinking about that,
Speaker 1: we're just it becomes almost like a zero some game
Speaker 1: rather than a conversation with a loved one.
Speaker 3: And I agree. And here's the unfortunate part. A lot
Speaker 3: of that is stemming from a life trap that we
Speaker 3: developed when we were young, whether it's our siblings, our parents,
Speaker 3: we were treated a certain type of way, and we
Speaker 3: begun began to act on that either defensively, dismissively, moving away.
Speaker 3: And as we continue to grow older, that life trap
Speaker 3: is still thus because we haven't confronted it, and we
Speaker 3: take it into every relationship. So when you're triggered, you
Speaker 3: go back to the I got to take care of myself.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know you are.
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 2: No, it's not, yes, it is no, it's not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think that the other thing that I learned
Speaker 1: that was helpful for me, and I wonder if you
Speaker 1: have you agree with this or you have similar rules,
Speaker 1: is that when I hear myself saying you never or
Speaker 1: you always, those are red flags and I need to
Speaker 1: check myself because as soon as I'm saying you never
Speaker 1: or you always, I'm not allowing the other person anywhere
Speaker 1: to go.
Speaker 3: You're not, You're not. And where is your focus on
Speaker 3: what you perceive me to be doing wrong? Or is
Speaker 3: it how you can refrain how you see it? Or
Speaker 3: can we sit down and discuss this in a civilized matter,
Speaker 3: because to focus on grows. So if you focus on
Speaker 3: what you perceive to be one of my blind spots,
Speaker 3: oh that's going to grow huge because that's what your
Speaker 3: focus is, rather than how can we work more effectively
Speaker 3: together to contine this journey. We're in the.
Speaker 2: Moment that fight, okay.
Speaker 1: So Qualmela is saying, how do you resolve conflict and tension?
Speaker 1: He says his wife and this man Morris in the
Speaker 1: chat He says his wife and him have never argued
Speaker 1: in decades they've been married. She loves the Lord and
Speaker 1: I love her. He says, he's not bragging, it is
Speaker 1: what it is. And Cowamela is asking, so how do
Speaker 1: you how do you resolve conflict? And you know I've
Speaker 1: I've had this conversation before. In other context, when couple
Speaker 1: say they don't argue, is that good? Does that mean
Speaker 1: that they're ignoring stuff? Or they you know, or they
Speaker 1: just have found a way to let it all go.
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like that's a little scary, like
Speaker 1: maybe they're not dealing with stuff.
Speaker 3: I think it's a matter of both and or. I
Speaker 3: do believe that a God fearing marriage, where people understand
Speaker 3: their role in this partnership and choose God first, that
Speaker 3: can play a key role. But I also say to
Speaker 3: the other side of the point, are you talking, are
Speaker 3: you sharing your truth? Are you sharing your concerns? Or
Speaker 3: are you keeping it in? And of course you don't
Speaker 3: want to be a NonStop, on demand complainer, But when
Speaker 3: you do get into that conflict, Michael, my questions to
Speaker 3: ask you, are you trying to fix? Are you trying
Speaker 3: to understand?
Speaker 2: Oh that's a great question.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And depending on where your mindset is will oftentimes
Speaker 3: determine the outcome. Because if you're trying to fix, you're
Speaker 3: that place I hate, and it's called devil's advocate. Let
Speaker 3: me play devil's advocate. Let me put no, no. None of
Speaker 3: your goal is to be right, but if it's to
Speaker 3: help me understand, if it's to accept your truth as
Speaker 3: truth for you, it doesn't have to be true for me.
Speaker 3: But I'm going to say, if that's how you feel,
Speaker 3: then that's how you feel. And I'm not going to
Speaker 3: shoot on you by telling you how you should feel.
Speaker 3: I want to uncover, I want to create unfolding dialogue.
Speaker 3: I want to learn. I don't want to prove you wrong.
Speaker 3: And depending on what mindset we have again, we'll play
Speaker 3: a role in the outcome of that conversation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, that's the devil's advocate thing is a
Speaker 1: little pet peeve of mine too. Just be the people's
Speaker 1: advocate or be your own advocate.
Speaker 2: You don't need to advocate for the devil. He's got
Speaker 2: that covered.
Speaker 1: But but Morris is not feeling me. He says, what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is BS, and Okay, that's fine. He said,
Speaker 1: if you don't have a strong, loving, really relationship, please
Speaker 1: be quiet. I think people process things in different ways.
Speaker 1: But you know, some of us like to talk a
Speaker 1: lot and some of us like to process a different way.
Speaker 1: Do you have any you know, any other kind of
Speaker 1: dues and don'ts like that? Like I like I whenever
Speaker 1: I hear myself now say you never or you always?
Speaker 1: I you know what, Give me a second, let me
Speaker 1: think this through, Let me breathe a few times and
Speaker 1: come back and we'll we'll put a pin in this.
Speaker 1: Are there any other things like that where we might
Speaker 1: where we might hear ourselves and say, you know what, No,
Speaker 1: I need to refrain. Yeah, I'm caught up in this moment.
Speaker 1: I'm being as as Sahara Ali always says, be wise,
Speaker 1: not emotional.
Speaker 2: I'm being emotional right now. Let me reel it in.
Speaker 3: I know one thing for sure. Every time I have
Speaker 3: moved into a conversation after I've been triggered and I
Speaker 3: say to myself, this isn't going to end well? Is
Speaker 3: it worth it? And every time I've moved forward triggered,
Speaker 3: it didn't end well. It became explosive. So what I
Speaker 3: should have done is go back to my favorite chair,
Speaker 3: sit down, hands on knees, count to one hundred, prey
Speaker 3: on it. And if I'm not triggered, if I'm not
Speaker 3: ready to go yet, stay there. You are not going
Speaker 3: to have a positive conversation if you walk in sweating.
Speaker 3: They always say that the boxer when he or she's
Speaker 3: about to fight. If they walk in the ring dry,
Speaker 3: they're going to get knocked out. But if they walk
Speaker 3: in sweating, you know what's going to be on. So
Speaker 3: you walk into that conversation sweating, You didn't walk in
Speaker 3: to have a peaceful conversation. You win, right, right, right.
Speaker 3: And in life, they say, when we're young, we look
Speaker 3: a lot like our parents, but when we get older,
Speaker 3: we look a lot like our choices. So what are
Speaker 3: we choosing in that moment of conflict or communication or disagreement.
Speaker 3: What are you choosing? And oftentimes you want to get
Speaker 3: what you choose, and that, unfortunately, is that desire to
Speaker 3: be right. That is a relationship killer. Wanting to be right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I get it.
Speaker 2: It's nice to be right, but.
Speaker 1: It's nice to be in a marriage too, or in
Speaker 1: a loving relationship. Jerry Anderson is in the chat. He says, hey, Morse,
Speaker 1: does that translate into things women shouldn't be speaking up on?
Speaker 2: Either?
Speaker 1: A man can be told to shut up all the
Speaker 1: time telling a woman what.
Speaker 2: You can't speak on. Okay, we've only got.
Speaker 1: Two minutes here, doctor James Smith.
Speaker 3: I'm going to lose, Yes, I'm going to lose some
Speaker 3: brother points right here because I'm reading into the comment,
Speaker 3: which is to be right. I have learned that as
Speaker 3: much as we want to be equal, we are wired differently.
Speaker 3: And every time I've gotten into an argument with my
Speaker 3: spouse and I say, you keep cutting me off, but
Speaker 3: that's going to end in disaster. So it's fielded process
Speaker 3: and prayerfully move forward. I learned a long time that
Speaker 3: we are wired differently. So to try to get a
Speaker 3: woman to act like a man and vice versa, then
Speaker 3: the woman doesn't need that man, or the man doesn't
Speaker 3: need that woman. Understand the dichotomy. The difference is in
Speaker 3: the relationship. And yes, there are some things, some words
Speaker 3: that sting a lot more. And there's no rules for argument,
Speaker 3: I've been told consistently. Now we're arguing about the rules
Speaker 3: of argument rather than who's coming in late and who's
Speaker 3: coming in early and who's not cleaning up the conversations
Speaker 3: Now on the rules and guys, as a person who's
Speaker 3: been on the receiving end, you're not going to win that.
Speaker 3: So how important is it? How important is it? It's
Speaker 3: frustrating to be interrupted, but you're not going to change
Speaker 3: that score.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Wow, A bunch of greats.
Speaker 3: And were interrupted at work that boss talk over.
Speaker 1: You're right right, right, right right, well yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean yeah, We've got news, traffic and sports right here.
Speaker 1: We'll address the twenty seven questions you brought up when
Speaker 1: we just when we come forward along with Big John,
Speaker 1: who says being all the way authentic will have a
Speaker 1: person some single and unemployed, Well address thatded more after news,
Speaker 1: traffic and sports only right here, and it's scholarly match
Speaker 1: is almost always you and we're pleased to be talking
Speaker 1: on this black marriage Monday with doctor James Smith. He's
Speaker 1: an expert on communications, leadership, communications, the author of books
Speaker 1: including The No Excuse Guide to Success and from Averaged Awesome.
Speaker 1: You can find out more at doctor James Smith Junior
Speaker 1: dot com Doctor James Smith Jr. Don't spell out junior
Speaker 1: doctor James Smith Junior dot com and you can order
Speaker 1: his books there and find out much much more applying
Speaker 1: these principles to relationships. Wrote down several questions here, some
Speaker 1: of them coming from our Chack Qwamel wants to know
Speaker 1: if you believe in the age Old Adage, then men
Speaker 1: should not argue with women period.
Speaker 3: To me, argue sounds like a fight so that's the question. Yes,
Speaker 3: I believe that. I believe men and women should have
Speaker 3: conversations expressing their once, their thoughts, their needs, their desires,
Speaker 3: and give the other opportunity to listen, perhaps refrain, and
Speaker 3: not look to be right. But when I hear argue,
Speaker 3: I can't think of an argument that ever won with
Speaker 3: a woman, my daughter, my mother, and my wife. Is
Speaker 3: not going to happen, you know, So let's let's discuss it.
Speaker 3: And I believe there was a conversation in the chat
Speaker 3: room previously about if you're always authentic, the lead to
Speaker 3: a variety of negative factors. I believe through my research
Speaker 3: there is what's called a threshold for authentic expression. Initially,
Speaker 3: the first part of the threshold is to fake it
Speaker 3: to you and make it not sharing your truth, being
Speaker 3: passive and not being authentic. In the middle, I would say,
Speaker 3: from say we go one to ten, I would say
Speaker 3: from a four to eight, you're leaning more towards true
Speaker 3: authentic expression. That is acceptable. But if you are an
Speaker 3: authentic narcissist, racism, whatever, those go against the cultural, more rays,
Speaker 3: the organizational, more raised the values that you're establishing your relationship,
Speaker 3: So all bets are off if you're going buck while crazy,
Speaker 3: you know, insane with your degree of authenticity, it doesn't
Speaker 3: jive with the social, organizational or family fundamental more rays
Speaker 3: that exists.
Speaker 1: So that's why you're back to this idea of authenticity
Speaker 1: being on a spectrum and or the tone I mean,
Speaker 1: because tone and how you deliver it is all so important.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's the wrapping of the gifts inside. And the
Speaker 3: gift is feedback, And if you want someone to receive feedback,
Speaker 3: well it's how you frame it. When I do coaching
Speaker 3: on presentation skills, where someone stands up and they present
Speaker 3: virtually or in person, I give them feedback three ways.
Speaker 3: The first p is praise, the second p is polish,
Speaker 3: in the third pie is possibility. So the praise what
Speaker 3: you did extremely well, the polish what you could do better,
Speaker 3: and the possibility a way for you to do it better.
Speaker 3: And people receive that feedback much better than positive constructive
Speaker 3: or what you did right. What you did wrong is
Speaker 3: communicating clearly so the person can feel it, see it,
Speaker 3: and hear it. And the here is not volume, The
Speaker 3: here is visceral understanding. Because like you, I'm sure at
Speaker 3: some point growing up your mom or dad said, girl,
Speaker 3: you don't hear me. They weren't talking volume. They were
Speaker 3: talking visceral understanding, cognitive understand because if you got it,
Speaker 3: you would have done something different with it well.
Speaker 1: And the fact of the matter is the reason I
Speaker 1: chuckled is because I know that a lot of times
Speaker 1: when folks get into discussions couples, friends, families, they do
Speaker 1: raise their volume, and that's usually a sign that they're
Speaker 1: not hearing each other, and it's not going to help
Speaker 1: at all.
Speaker 3: No, we're talking loud now that neighbors can hear, but
Speaker 3: neither one of us is listening to what the other
Speaker 3: person says. They're waiting for a point to interject right,
Speaker 3: or call you on that one thing that they disagree with,
Speaker 3: and now the conversation is going to arive straight.
Speaker 1: I have a pet peeve about that with radio hosts,
Speaker 1: not just radio TV too. I think that a lot
Speaker 1: of people just they have their list of questions and
Speaker 1: they're just waiting to ask their question. And it's the
Speaker 1: same kind of thing that happens in an argument or
Speaker 1: conversation with a loved one. Sometime they're not listening, and
Speaker 1: I feel like the person you're talking to could say, well,
Speaker 1: I killed my neighbor and buried them under the floorboards,
Speaker 1: and they would just go to their next question because
Speaker 1: they're not listening.
Speaker 3: I agree with you so much. I'm interviewed a lot
Speaker 3: on shows. I have my own radio show here in Philadelphia.
Speaker 3: And that's a pet peeve of mine. The agenda and
Speaker 3: also the question that's followed by a statement. The interviewer
Speaker 3: forgot the question because you ask the question, then you
Speaker 3: go into a diet tribe while you feel this way,
Speaker 3: and now I'm like, what did you ask? Its agenda?
Speaker 3: It's agenda.
Speaker 2: Here's one, go ahead, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Here's one for you. At one point, my traveling got
Speaker 3: up to seventy percent of the time. This is before COVID.
Speaker 3: I was on the road NonStop, and equivalently, every time
Speaker 3: I was about to leave to head to the airport,
Speaker 3: my wife would say, can you take the trash out? Now?
Speaker 3: Trash should be the next day. Two days a week,
Speaker 3: she would say, take the trash out. I grew so
Speaker 3: frustrated and angry, and I would take that trash out,
Speaker 3: talking under my bon so I remember this. One time
Speaker 3: it happened. I took it out, got in my car.
Speaker 3: Now I'm late for my flight, my college roommate calls me,
Speaker 3: what's going on? I'm taking tray either A dude, if
Speaker 3: she always asks you to take the trash out, and
Speaker 3: you know she's going to ask you to take the
Speaker 3: trash out, how would you take the trash out before
Speaker 3: she asked you? Duh? But what I wanted I wanted
Speaker 3: her to stop asking me. I wanted her to change,
Speaker 3: and that led to months of me being fired up
Speaker 3: until finally I just did, I'm gonna take the trash out.
Speaker 3: Before I left, I would say, I'm taking the trash out.
Speaker 3: I got an extra five minutes.
Speaker 1: If you want to do nothing, you want to say,
Speaker 1: come say a heartfelt goodbye?
Speaker 3: Uh? Huh out? Now? How you let me? Now?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I mean I think that's fair in what is
Speaker 1: our part? Whatever the interaction is? What is our part
Speaker 1: in this?
Speaker 2: The uh?
Speaker 1: You know? You talk about communication a lot, as I mentioned,
Speaker 1: with corporations. Are there techniques that would translate into a
Speaker 1: marriage or or a love relationship? Techniques that you teach
Speaker 1: to corporate leaders about how to more effectively communicate what
Speaker 1: they're trying to say?
Speaker 3: Sure, I'll give you a couple. One is too when
Speaker 3: you're talking to your partner to listen for the c
Speaker 3: m F stands for content, meaning, and feeling. The words
Speaker 3: may be coming out as content that you think you understand,
Speaker 3: but it may not be what he or she means
Speaker 3: or how they feel. Perfect example, I walk into the
Speaker 3: kitchen my life stare. She's a little frustrated. Her arms
Speaker 3: are folded. The babe, what's wrong? Nothing? Yeah, hold up?
Speaker 3: Hold up? He said nothing, But the volume, in the
Speaker 3: tone and their energy suggest something is wrong. So let's
Speaker 3: talk about what could be contributing to your energy right now.
Speaker 3: Listen for the content, meaning, and feeling. Another tool is
Speaker 3: to focus on the behavior, not on the person. You
Speaker 3: have a better chance of changing one's behavior than you
Speaker 3: will change the person. The last story I told you
Speaker 3: gave evidence to that, So you're focused on the behavior
Speaker 3: that you want to have, that you want to end.
Speaker 3: So it's focusing on the behavior, not the person. It's
Speaker 3: truly listening for the content, meaning, and feeling. And when
Speaker 3: you do have that critical, critical feedback, you start with
Speaker 3: the facts. What did the person do? And they have
Speaker 3: to be observable and measurable facts. Second, you give your
Speaker 3: opinion of the facts how they land on you. The
Speaker 3: facts opinion. Third, you ask for their opinion on what
Speaker 3: you just said. And where we go wrong is we
Speaker 3: start with opinion and not facts. Now you're arguing over
Speaker 3: something that has nothing to do with the facts. Right,
Speaker 3: the once use facts, opinion, the other person's opinion. Now,
Speaker 3: let's talk about what we're going to do going forward,
Speaker 3: what each of us are going to do. And finally,
Speaker 3: the E stands for express confidence. This is called the
Speaker 3: state model. Start with the facts, talk about your opinion,
Speaker 3: ask for their opinion, talk about what you're going to do,
Speaker 3: and express confidence. And finally, exclamation mark, let's talk accountability.
Speaker 3: How are we going to make sure we are walking
Speaker 3: and living what we talk?
Speaker 1: I find that a lot of men on social media
Speaker 1: complain that women are not accountable or that we don't
Speaker 1: want to be held accountable. And you know, I guess
Speaker 1: there's another version of that conversation happening with women about
Speaker 1: men not holding themselves to account. But I think this
Speaker 1: was also mentioned in the chat here as well. How
Speaker 1: do what does that accountability look like?
Speaker 2: And how do you.
Speaker 1: How do you hold yourself accountable in a way that's
Speaker 1: I guess, you know, satisfying for both partners.
Speaker 3: I think it's phenomenal question. Phenomenal question Number one is
Speaker 3: truly understanding and living your values and beliefs, not consistently
Speaker 3: moving the goalpost back. Well, I'm gon let it go
Speaker 3: this time, I'm let it go. What do you believe in?
Speaker 3: Number two? This is grammatically incorrect, but I think it's
Speaker 3: profound in that they become who you be. They become
Speaker 3: who you be, so as you're being clear, loving, consistent communicating.
Speaker 3: It's been my experience that the other person did the
Speaker 3: same thing too. They didn't see the drive by shootings,
Speaker 3: they didn't see the bomb grenades, they didn't see the
Speaker 3: silent treatment scorn. They saw a loving, god fearing, caring
Speaker 3: person who really wants to lift you up consistently, not
Speaker 3: tear you down. And we're not always going to agree.
Speaker 3: We're not we're two different people. But how do we
Speaker 3: get that point of to that place of I'm gonna
Speaker 3: listen to what you're saying and listen for the unsaid
Speaker 3: and vice versa, because I know you're not gonna get
Speaker 3: up screaming, you're not gonna be yelling, you're not gonna be
Speaker 3: slamming doors, because that's not what we do here. So
Speaker 3: they become who you be. And I believe each person
Speaker 3: has to step into their level of accountability. And Nancy Smith,
Speaker 3: my mother started me early because I attended K through
Speaker 3: twelve without missing a day of school. So she got
Speaker 3: that accountability gene in me than four years under, four
Speaker 3: years of undergrad never missed the class, went on to
Speaker 3: grad school, never missed the class. She always said, and
Speaker 3: I chuckle. She said, don't give people bullets. They already
Speaker 3: have guns. Don't give them a reason to exclude you,
Speaker 3: not to choose you, to say you're not worthy by
Speaker 3: being late, by not doing the assignment, by not following through,
Speaker 3: by not letting your yes mean yes and you no
Speaker 3: me no. You gave me a reason. So don't give
Speaker 3: your partner a reason to sit this one out. Be consistent.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I could.
Speaker 1: I could get a T shirt that says that doctor
Speaker 1: James Smith is my guest. It's a Black marriage Monday,
Speaker 1: and we're using the best of our knowledge in communication
Speaker 1: to help us do a little better in that area.
Speaker 2: We'll continue the conversation when we come forward. On KBLA
Speaker 2: Talk fifteen.
Speaker 1: Eighty their radio host and speaking expert Communications expert, doctor
Speaker 1: James Smith is with us. And you know, we've been
Speaker 1: talking about communication. That's what we do for a living.
Speaker 1: But so many times we don't apply the same standards
Speaker 1: that we have at their workplace or in other settings,
Speaker 1: the same courtesies in a personal relationship in our home relationships.
Speaker 1: I believe that's kind of Nikki Giovanni and James bald
Speaker 1: when we're talking about in that famous conversation where she says,
Speaker 1: you know, you lot to your boss, you smile at
Speaker 1: your boss when you don't feel good.
Speaker 2: Dude, I want you to do that for me as well.
Speaker 1: Is that part of what we're talking about, you know,
Speaker 1: is bringing professional courtesy into the home, but somehow matching
Speaker 1: it with authenticity.
Speaker 3: I believe. I believe I want to say yes and no.
Speaker 3: I believe it should be courtesy in general. And if
Speaker 3: we can summon to the power to be courteous at work,
Speaker 3: we can certainly summon the power to be courtesy at home.
Speaker 3: Courteous at home. It's a mind shift that has to occur.
Speaker 3: You weren't about losing your job, hey, trust me, losing
Speaker 3: your spouse is more significant than losing the job, in
Speaker 3: my opinion, because I believe one of the biggest the
Speaker 3: biggest decisions you can making your life. In addition to
Speaker 3: accepting God as your Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and
Speaker 3: just being committed to that is your partner for life.
Speaker 3: And that's huge. So if you're gonna give me a
Speaker 3: quick example, my wife and I made an agreement, no
Speaker 3: shoes in the house. Come in the house, taking shoes off,
Speaker 3: and going out put them back on. So for a
Speaker 3: period of time she kept the shoes on. She said,
Speaker 3: I'll do it when I get in the bedroom. Oh no, bed,
Speaker 3: that's not so. Every day I'm focusing on what's on
Speaker 3: her feet rather than how to love and to serve
Speaker 3: her and to give her what she needs. I'm focusing
Speaker 3: on being right take off the shoes, which led to
Speaker 3: quiet evening. Now I ask myself, how significant is that
Speaker 3: in our relationship? How much is it worth it? I
Speaker 3: stopped and guess what started taking them off?
Speaker 2: Wow? I mean that's part of it too.
Speaker 1: It's because I think sometimes in a situation like that,
Speaker 1: we make it about more than the shoes.
Speaker 2: It becomes a symbol.
Speaker 1: Well, we made an agreement, and you're not keeping the agreement,
Speaker 1: and therefore you don't respect our you know.
Speaker 2: Blah, blah blah blah blah. We extrapolate he's down like me.
Speaker 3: Now you're disrespecting me. You know, men don't want to
Speaker 3: be disrespected, right.
Speaker 1: Because it's not really about it. It's not about the shoes,
Speaker 1: it's about the agreement, your word.
Speaker 2: Are we doing too much?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, And I believe that comes from unfortunately scarcity
Speaker 3: mindset rather than the mindset of abundance and looking at
Speaker 3: what the person does for you, your heart, your soul,
Speaker 3: your family. But because you don't get this, that's what
Speaker 3: you're gonna focus on. Come on, abundance. You decided that
Speaker 3: you're going to walk down this journey, this path together
Speaker 3: Ques and house trash.
Speaker 2: That's the hill you want to die on. Okay.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: You also said something.
Speaker 3: But it's not easy.
Speaker 2: It's not easy, No, none of this stuff.
Speaker 1: It sounds easy, but I think when we talk about
Speaker 1: it and think about it, it gets easier, you know,
Speaker 1: rather than just getting stuck in patterns. You also said
Speaker 1: something I wanted to follow up on, which is you said,
Speaker 1: listen to the unset.
Speaker 2: How do we do that?
Speaker 3: That's feeling the energy and if they want to learn
Speaker 3: more about energy, it's the Celestine prophecy by James Redfield.
Speaker 3: I read that a long time ago, but he talks
Speaker 3: about you can feel someone pulling towards you or pulling
Speaker 3: away from you, just by being in that space. So
Speaker 3: listen for the energy. And I believe if you're listening
Speaker 3: for that interview, you can determine whether it's positive or not.
Speaker 3: Don't label it. But in twit of the intuitively, you
Speaker 3: get a sense for where that's coming from. And you're
Speaker 3: going to hear those words loud and clear by just
Speaker 3: listening and looking and observing and looking for patterns. Every
Speaker 3: time you get the conversation, does that person go quiet?
Speaker 3: M Well, there is something about this conversation that takes
Speaker 3: them to a timeout. But in our haste to be right,
Speaker 3: to be heard, to drive home the point to be
Speaker 3: Johnny Cock wing for ourselves, we're creating more distance versus closeness.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, yeah, if the shoe fits, we must.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well. Morris also says, never ever, ever, ever, ever cuss.
Speaker 3: Hm.
Speaker 1: Yes, I arguments, not ever in life because if I
Speaker 1: could comply with that, but never in an argument.
Speaker 3: Oh, that's certainly a deal breaker. That's going to be
Speaker 3: a quiet evening, maybe a quiet next couple of days.
Speaker 3: We are intelligent enough hopefully to convey a feeling and
Speaker 3: emotion without having to add profanity to it. And I'm
Speaker 3: the one who doesn't use a lot of profanity. I
Speaker 3: admit I will if I feel there's some danger there,
Speaker 3: but for the most part, I'd do my best to
Speaker 3: express myself in a way where I don't create any
Speaker 3: red flags about what I said or how I said it. Well,
Speaker 3: that's good to hear it.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, you're a very disciplined individual, and I
Speaker 1: definitely commend you on that. But more than that, I
Speaker 1: commend you for today's conversation because I think it was important.
Speaker 1: You know, gives us a lot of things to think about.
Speaker 1: Doctor James Smith has been our guest. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for being here. Doctor James Smith Junior dot com jr.
Speaker 1: Doctor James Smith Junior dot com is where you can
Speaker 1: find him. Thank you again, sir.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. He started my week off one
Speaker 3: of a very very very happy, happy way.
Speaker 1: So thank you all right, and thank you as well.
Speaker 2: We all need these things.
Speaker 1: And as you know, Tavis Smiley's up next, he's getting
Speaker 1: ready for his show. He's got a full house for you.
Speaker 1: As usual, I would remind you to find me on
Speaker 1: social media at Duprima Radio d I P R I
Speaker 1: m A and then radio everywhere, even YouTube. Please follow, like, subscribe.
Speaker 1: The radio station is at k b L A fifteen eighty. Everywhere,
Speaker 1: Please comment, like, follow and subscribe. Like my mama, the
Speaker 1: late Great Diane da Prima used to say, the ultimate
Speaker 1: famine is the starvation of the imagination. Until tomorrow, my
Speaker 1: beloved KVLA Delegation, one love,