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Speaker 1: Okay, facing reality, that's what far Ali said. You gotta

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do facing reality. That doesn't sound promising for a black

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marriage Monday.

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Speaker 2: But do you want to stay together? Do you want

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to make it better?

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Speaker 1: Well? We are being joined by a leadership and communications expert.

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He's an author, a speaker and educator, and a coach.

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His books include No Excuse, Guide to Success From Average

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to Awesome and Crash and Learn. Better known as Mister Energy,

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he's a Philadelphia native, a professional and personal development expert,

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the founder and CEO of Jim Smith International, Jim Smith

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Junior Doctor James Smith.

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Speaker 3: Good morning, Good morning too. You know what an honor

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and privilege would be with you? Thank you?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's great to have you on. And it's you know,

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it sounds like you. You spend a lot of time

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working with institutions, you know, Prudential, Vanguard, Core States Bank,

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these sort of corporate entities teaching people how to communicate

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better for better results. Is that the same is a

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marriage or a relationship? Should we be viewing it as

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an institution or a corporation in terms of putting into

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practice best practices of communication?

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Speaker 3: By and large, I would say yes, But I believe

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in situations of marriage where it's more intimate, there's a

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greater degree of authenticity and vulnerability that's needed. I've done

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a great deal of research on authenticity at work, and

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through that research I found out going in, I believe

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that authenticity was either or either authentic or inauthentic. And

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I learned through my research that is a matter more

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or less and me choose how authentic to be given

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the circumstance. And unfortunately, I'm finding corporate there's not a

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lot of authenticity, or as much as it should. There's

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companies speak, it's here's what I want you to know.

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I can't tell you everything. You know, Yes, your head's spinning.

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And in your marriage, you never want your partner to

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leave a room or to leave a conversation with their

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head spinning. I believe the stakes are higher.

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Speaker 1: I think that's right that you don't want them to

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leave going what just happened?

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Speaker 3: You know? I agree, And unfortunately, I've been in situations

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where I went into that conversation and afterwards but did

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I say, how did we get that? We started here

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and now we're there? And my head was spinning. So

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I believe that, honest, Frank, authentic communication is vital.

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Speaker 1: I mean vital, but it sounds like you're saying that

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all authenticity is on a spectrum.

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Speaker 2: I was speaking with this woman more t Harra Poor.

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Speaker 1: She has a book called Bring Yourself, How to Negotiate Fearlessly.

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She's you know, she's out of the Wharton School, and

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she talks about negotiation right. And one of the things

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she says, it sounds like you guys have this in common,

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is that authenticity is really more important than some special

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skill or some technique. Is that just showing up? And actually,

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I like the rappers say keeping it real is much

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more important than anything else.

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Speaker 3: I believe that I'm not a big Kurt Cobang fan,

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but I did like his narrative when he said I'd

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rather be hated for who I am than loved for

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who I'm not. And unfortunately, I believe that many people

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in corporate every day is Halloween trick or treat. Put

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the face on, fake it till you make it, go

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along and get along, chourage people to hone it until

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you own it. But you're working it. And I believe

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in marriages that should be the same working it, honing

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it and showing up as a hundred percent authentic as

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you can.

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Speaker 1: How does that work if authenticity is on a spectrum?

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I mean, is that like I'm I'm a little bit lying,

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I'm a little bit misrepresenting. I mean, I don't I'm

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not quite I know, like I in a way I

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get it because I am on the radio every day,

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and I sure I am authentic. I believe I'm authentic.

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But I'll tell you all my business like I'm not

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going to tell.

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Speaker 2: You all my business.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'll tell too much, but not all of.

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Speaker 3: It that's referred. I'm reminded of a situation where I

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was doing some leadership training. It was right after Katrina

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in New Orleans, and I'm working with the client and

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of the senior leaders the room, there was only one

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brother there, and during a break, a woman came up

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to him and asked him, do you think the government's

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slow response to the Katrina victims was because the Orleans

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is primarily a black city? And my friend said, I

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wasn't answering that no way. There was no way I

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can win by sharing my truth. So I said, I

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can see why people might think that way. But he

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wasn't going to give his truth because he didn't feel

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psychologically safe.

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Speaker 1: He didn't want to be the poster boy in that moment. Absolutely,

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So are you saying is that authentic? Is that what

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you're saying?

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Speaker 3: I said, I believe that is authentic. Where he decided

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from perceived consequences that it would be more helpful for

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his career that he did not if he did not

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disclose that truth.

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Speaker 2: Sad but true.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I remember during the O. J.

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Speaker 1: Simpson days in LA that was like the that was

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the litmus test. White people would come up to you

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and ask you, so, what do you think about OJ?

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And it was really it was real. The real question

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was will you betray your community?

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Speaker 2: That was the real question.

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Speaker 1: And I remember that the great philosopher Neelie Fuller told us,

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we're meant to say I know two things.

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Speaker 2: Two people are dead, and I didn't do it.

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Speaker 3: That's awesome.

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Speaker 2: So I mean, I and.

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Speaker 1: So I suppose that is authentic. But but when we talk.

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Speaker 3: About we should we should know that when we are authentic,

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and this is with our employer, corporate boss, whatever, and

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with our partner, there comes a risk and that level

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of authenticity may get you wounded. However, if you stay

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true to your values and beliefs. You're going to at

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some point learn how to walk with the wound, because

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you're going to share something that someone disagrees with or

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doesn't see it the way you see it, and maybe

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not for enough along on their journey, and their response

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to you may create disharmony in that relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, is that creating the disharmony or is our response

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to it creating the disharmony.

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Speaker 3: I think it's a combination. Number One I think is

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how you share your truth. Our pastor when we were

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getting married, you used to always say share your truth

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and love you share your truth, but do it in

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a loving and loving fashion, so as we are not sugarcoating,

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but we're communicating in a way where someone's going to

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receive what you have to say than it turning into

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what I call a right fight, both people fighting to

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be right.

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Speaker 2: A right fight.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I mean, what's the loving way to say you're fat?

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I mean, maybe that's a bad example, but you know

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there are some things.

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Speaker 3: That you know that are maybe baby, baby, baby, I

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love it when you wear that red dress, but I

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haven't seen it in a minute.

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Speaker 1: That's that's okay.

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Speaker 3: But it's the uplift. It's the uplift and let's work

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on it together. What can I do? What can you do?

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Certainly not to tear them down by speaking negatively or

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even something you're trying to get the truth on what happened,

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oftentimes by saying why did you do that? Ding? Ding?

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The fights on? Yeah, you could, you could reframe it,

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tell me about who you talk to, or tell me

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about what went into it. We could tell me about

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you're asking the person to talk, rather than saying why

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did you and the person might shut down because that

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wanted to.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So it's how we communicate, how we reframe situations, and

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it's the energy that we have created in the number

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of deposits we've made in each other's journey.

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Speaker 1: Alrighty, well, we're going to practice this. We're gonna get

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good at this. We're going to communicate better in marriage, relationships, situationships, negotiationships.

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Speaker 2: That's not a word.

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Speaker 1: Doctor James Smith is with me and you're listening to

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KBLA Talk fifteen to eighty.

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Speaker 2: Right now, you're waking up with doctor James Smith.

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Speaker 1: It's a Black Marriage Monday, and he's supplying his expertise

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in communications to our quandary about how to build stronger

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and more resilient marriages.

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Speaker 2: Or long term committed relationships, even if you.

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Speaker 1: All don't have a piece of paper, even you know

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whatever you got going on a forensic pink right forensic

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account and says in the YouTube chat, I'd refrain from

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any negative comments during menopause.

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Speaker 2: As a man, you have no idea.

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Speaker 1: Yoga Fish says, most arguments come from misunderstandings, and I

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hate to argue, but as couples, it's sometimes it seems

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like the more we love each other, the more we argue.

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Speaker 3: I believe that, but I believe at one point in

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that relationship the conversations were about what do you need?

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How can I help? I was thinking about you, and

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unfortunately it evolves into you haven't done this, you haven't

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done that. When's the last time you? So it went

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from what can I do? To now pointing the accusatory

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singer of you, and that turns into a right fight,

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It turns into a debate and will keep repeating the

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same patterns.

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Speaker 1: I think about two things when I'm having discussions or

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our immense doctor James Smith. One is Ion levan zandt

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saying would you rather be right or would you rather

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be happy to be happy?

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Speaker 2: That one hit me kind of hard. Do you want

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to be right or do you want to be happy?

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I'll pick happy?

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Speaker 1: Uh Andy, Yeah, But a lot of times when we

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get caught up in the moment, we're not thinking about that,

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we're just it becomes almost like a zero some game

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rather than a conversation with a loved one.

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Speaker 3: And I agree. And here's the unfortunate part. A lot

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of that is stemming from a life trap that we

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developed when we were young, whether it's our siblings, our parents,

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we were treated a certain type of way, and we

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begun began to act on that either defensively, dismissively, moving away.

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And as we continue to grow older, that life trap

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is still thus because we haven't confronted it, and we

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take it into every relationship. So when you're triggered, you

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go back to the I got to take care of myself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I know you are.

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Speaker 3: I'm thinking about it.

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Speaker 2: No, it's not, yes, it is no, it's not. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And I think that the other thing that I learned

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that was helpful for me, and I wonder if you

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have you agree with this or you have similar rules,

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is that when I hear myself saying you never or

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you always, those are red flags and I need to

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check myself because as soon as I'm saying you never

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or you always, I'm not allowing the other person anywhere

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to go.

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Speaker 3: You're not, You're not. And where is your focus on

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what you perceive me to be doing wrong? Or is

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it how you can refrain how you see it? Or

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can we sit down and discuss this in a civilized matter,

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because to focus on grows. So if you focus on

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what you perceive to be one of my blind spots,

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oh that's going to grow huge because that's what your

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focus is, rather than how can we work more effectively

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together to contine this journey. We're in the.

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Speaker 2: Moment that fight, okay.

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Speaker 1: So Qualmela is saying, how do you resolve conflict and tension?

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He says his wife and this man Morris in the

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chat He says his wife and him have never argued

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in decades they've been married. She loves the Lord and

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I love her. He says, he's not bragging, it is

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what it is. And Cowamela is asking, so how do

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you how do you resolve conflict? And you know I've

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I've had this conversation before. In other context, when couple

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say they don't argue, is that good? Does that mean

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that they're ignoring stuff? Or they you know, or they

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just have found a way to let it all go.

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I mean, I feel like that's a little scary, like

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maybe they're not dealing with stuff.

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Speaker 3: I think it's a matter of both and or. I

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do believe that a God fearing marriage, where people understand

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their role in this partnership and choose God first, that

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can play a key role. But I also say to

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the other side of the point, are you talking, are

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you sharing your truth? Are you sharing your concerns? Or

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are you keeping it in? And of course you don't

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want to be a NonStop, on demand complainer, But when

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you do get into that conflict, Michael, my questions to

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ask you, are you trying to fix? Are you trying

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to understand?

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Speaker 2: Oh that's a great question.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And depending on where your mindset is will oftentimes

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determine the outcome. Because if you're trying to fix, you're

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that place I hate, and it's called devil's advocate. Let

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me play devil's advocate. Let me put no, no. None of

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your goal is to be right, but if it's to

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help me understand, if it's to accept your truth as

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truth for you, it doesn't have to be true for me.

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But I'm going to say, if that's how you feel,

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then that's how you feel. And I'm not going to

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shoot on you by telling you how you should feel.

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I want to uncover, I want to create unfolding dialogue.

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I want to learn. I don't want to prove you wrong.

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And depending on what mindset we have again, we'll play

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a role in the outcome of that conversation.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, that's the devil's advocate thing is a

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little pet peeve of mine too. Just be the people's

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advocate or be your own advocate.

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Speaker 2: You don't need to advocate for the devil. He's got

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that covered.

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Speaker 1: But but Morris is not feeling me. He says, what

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I'm saying is BS, and Okay, that's fine. He said,

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if you don't have a strong, loving, really relationship, please

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be quiet. I think people process things in different ways.

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But you know, some of us like to talk a

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lot and some of us like to process a different way.

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Do you have any you know, any other kind of

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dues and don'ts like that? Like I like I whenever

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I hear myself now say you never or you always?

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I you know what, Give me a second, let me

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think this through, Let me breathe a few times and

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come back and we'll we'll put a pin in this.

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Are there any other things like that where we might

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where we might hear ourselves and say, you know what, No,

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I need to refrain. Yeah, I'm caught up in this moment.

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I'm being as as Sahara Ali always says, be wise,

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not emotional.

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Speaker 2: I'm being emotional right now. Let me reel it in.

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Speaker 3: I know one thing for sure. Every time I have

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moved into a conversation after I've been triggered and I

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say to myself, this isn't going to end well? Is

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it worth it? And every time I've moved forward triggered,

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it didn't end well. It became explosive. So what I

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should have done is go back to my favorite chair,

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sit down, hands on knees, count to one hundred, prey

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on it. And if I'm not triggered, if I'm not

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ready to go yet, stay there. You are not going

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to have a positive conversation if you walk in sweating.

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They always say that the boxer when he or she's

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about to fight. If they walk in the ring dry,

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they're going to get knocked out. But if they walk

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in sweating, you know what's going to be on. So

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you walk into that conversation sweating, You didn't walk in

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to have a peaceful conversation. You win, right, right, right.

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And in life, they say, when we're young, we look

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a lot like our parents, but when we get older,

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we look a lot like our choices. So what are

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we choosing in that moment of conflict or communication or disagreement.

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What are you choosing? And oftentimes you want to get

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what you choose, and that, unfortunately, is that desire to

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be right. That is a relationship killer. Wanting to be right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I get it.

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Speaker 2: It's nice to be right, but.

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Speaker 1: It's nice to be in a marriage too, or in

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a loving relationship. Jerry Anderson is in the chat. He says, hey, Morse,

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does that translate into things women shouldn't be speaking up on?

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Speaker 2: Either?

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Speaker 1: A man can be told to shut up all the

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time telling a woman what.

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Speaker 2: You can't speak on. Okay, we've only got.

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Speaker 1: Two minutes here, doctor James Smith.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to lose, Yes, I'm going to lose some

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brother points right here because I'm reading into the comment,

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which is to be right. I have learned that as

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much as we want to be equal, we are wired differently.

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And every time I've gotten into an argument with my

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spouse and I say, you keep cutting me off, but

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that's going to end in disaster. So it's fielded process

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and prayerfully move forward. I learned a long time that

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we are wired differently. So to try to get a

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woman to act like a man and vice versa, then

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the woman doesn't need that man, or the man doesn't

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need that woman. Understand the dichotomy. The difference is in

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the relationship. And yes, there are some things, some words

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that sting a lot more. And there's no rules for argument,

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I've been told consistently. Now we're arguing about the rules

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of argument rather than who's coming in late and who's

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coming in early and who's not cleaning up the conversations

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Now on the rules and guys, as a person who's

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been on the receiving end, you're not going to win that.

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So how important is it? How important is it? It's

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frustrating to be interrupted, but you're not going to change

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that score.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Wow, A bunch of greats.

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Speaker 3: And were interrupted at work that boss talk over.

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Speaker 1: You're right right, right, right right, well yeah, yeah, I

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mean yeah, We've got news, traffic and sports right here.

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We'll address the twenty seven questions you brought up when

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we just when we come forward along with Big John,

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who says being all the way authentic will have a

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person some single and unemployed, Well address thatded more after news,

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traffic and sports only right here, and it's scholarly match

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is almost always you and we're pleased to be talking

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on this black marriage Monday with doctor James Smith. He's

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an expert on communications, leadership, communications, the author of books

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including The No Excuse Guide to Success and from Averaged Awesome.

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00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:29,480
You can find out more at doctor James Smith Junior

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00:21:29,599 --> 00:21:33,839
dot com Doctor James Smith Jr. Don't spell out junior

356
00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:38,200
doctor James Smith Junior dot com and you can order

357
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,960
his books there and find out much much more applying

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these principles to relationships. Wrote down several questions here, some

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of them coming from our Chack Qwamel wants to know

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if you believe in the age Old Adage, then men

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should not argue with women period.

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Speaker 3: To me, argue sounds like a fight so that's the question. Yes,

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I believe that. I believe men and women should have

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conversations expressing their once, their thoughts, their needs, their desires,

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and give the other opportunity to listen, perhaps refrain, and

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not look to be right. But when I hear argue,

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I can't think of an argument that ever won with

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a woman, my daughter, my mother, and my wife. Is

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not going to happen, you know, So let's let's discuss it.

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And I believe there was a conversation in the chat

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room previously about if you're always authentic, the lead to

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a variety of negative factors. I believe through my research

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there is what's called a threshold for authentic expression. Initially,

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the first part of the threshold is to fake it

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to you and make it not sharing your truth, being

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passive and not being authentic. In the middle, I would say,

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from say we go one to ten, I would say

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from a four to eight, you're leaning more towards true

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authentic expression. That is acceptable. But if you are an

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authentic narcissist, racism, whatever, those go against the cultural, more rays,

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the organizational, more raised the values that you're establishing your relationship,

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So all bets are off if you're going buck while crazy,

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you know, insane with your degree of authenticity, it doesn't

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jive with the social, organizational or family fundamental more rays

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that exists.

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Speaker 1: So that's why you're back to this idea of authenticity

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being on a spectrum and or the tone I mean,

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because tone and how you deliver it is all so important.

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Speaker 3: Yes, that's the wrapping of the gifts inside. And the

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gift is feedback, And if you want someone to receive feedback,

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well it's how you frame it. When I do coaching

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on presentation skills, where someone stands up and they present

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virtually or in person, I give them feedback three ways.

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The first p is praise, the second p is polish,

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in the third pie is possibility. So the praise what

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you did extremely well, the polish what you could do better,

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and the possibility a way for you to do it better.

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And people receive that feedback much better than positive constructive

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or what you did right. What you did wrong is

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communicating clearly so the person can feel it, see it,

401
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and hear it. And the here is not volume, The

402
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here is visceral understanding. Because like you, I'm sure at

403
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some point growing up your mom or dad said, girl,

404
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you don't hear me. They weren't talking volume. They were

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talking visceral understanding, cognitive understand because if you got it,

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you would have done something different with it well.

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Speaker 1: And the fact of the matter is the reason I

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chuckled is because I know that a lot of times

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when folks get into discussions couples, friends, families, they do

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raise their volume, and that's usually a sign that they're

411
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not hearing each other, and it's not going to help

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at all.

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Speaker 3: No, we're talking loud now that neighbors can hear, but

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neither one of us is listening to what the other

415
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person says. They're waiting for a point to interject right,

416
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or call you on that one thing that they disagree with,

417
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and now the conversation is going to arive straight.

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Speaker 1: I have a pet peeve about that with radio hosts,

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not just radio TV too. I think that a lot

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of people just they have their list of questions and

421
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they're just waiting to ask their question. And it's the

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same kind of thing that happens in an argument or

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conversation with a loved one. Sometime they're not listening, and

424
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I feel like the person you're talking to could say, well,

425
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I killed my neighbor and buried them under the floorboards,

426
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and they would just go to their next question because

427
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they're not listening.

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Speaker 3: I agree with you so much. I'm interviewed a lot

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on shows. I have my own radio show here in Philadelphia.

430
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And that's a pet peeve of mine. The agenda and

431
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also the question that's followed by a statement. The interviewer

432
00:26:29,599 --> 00:26:32,079
forgot the question because you ask the question, then you

433
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,039
go into a diet tribe while you feel this way,

434
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and now I'm like, what did you ask? Its agenda?

435
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It's agenda.

436
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Speaker 2: Here's one, go ahead, Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Here's one for you. At one point, my traveling got

438
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up to seventy percent of the time. This is before COVID.

439
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I was on the road NonStop, and equivalently, every time

440
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I was about to leave to head to the airport,

441
00:26:58,279 --> 00:27:01,720
my wife would say, can you take the trash out? Now?

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Trash should be the next day. Two days a week,

443
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she would say, take the trash out. I grew so

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frustrated and angry, and I would take that trash out,

445
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talking under my bon so I remember this. One time

446
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,240
it happened. I took it out, got in my car.

447
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Now I'm late for my flight, my college roommate calls me,

448
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what's going on? I'm taking tray either A dude, if

449
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she always asks you to take the trash out, and

450
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you know she's going to ask you to take the

451
00:27:36,839 --> 00:27:39,440
trash out, how would you take the trash out before

452
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:45,200
she asked you? Duh? But what I wanted I wanted

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her to stop asking me. I wanted her to change,

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and that led to months of me being fired up

455
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until finally I just did, I'm gonna take the trash out.

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Before I left, I would say, I'm taking the trash out.

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I got an extra five minutes.

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Speaker 1: If you want to do nothing, you want to say,

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come say a heartfelt goodbye?

460
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Speaker 3: Uh? Huh out? Now? How you let me? Now?

461
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,359
Speaker 1: Yeah? I mean I think that's fair in what is

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our part? Whatever the interaction is? What is our part

463
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in this?

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Speaker 2: The uh?

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Speaker 1: You know? You talk about communication a lot, as I mentioned,

466
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with corporations. Are there techniques that would translate into a

467
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marriage or or a love relationship? Techniques that you teach

468
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:47,440
to corporate leaders about how to more effectively communicate what

469
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they're trying to say?

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Speaker 3: Sure, I'll give you a couple. One is too when

471
00:28:54,079 --> 00:28:58,079
you're talking to your partner to listen for the c

472
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:05,519
m F stands for content, meaning, and feeling. The words

473
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may be coming out as content that you think you understand,

474
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but it may not be what he or she means

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or how they feel. Perfect example, I walk into the

476
00:29:15,599 --> 00:29:18,640
kitchen my life stare. She's a little frustrated. Her arms

477
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:22,960
are folded. The babe, what's wrong? Nothing? Yeah, hold up?

478
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:28,079
Hold up? He said nothing, But the volume, in the

479
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:33,359
tone and their energy suggest something is wrong. So let's

480
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,920
talk about what could be contributing to your energy right now.

481
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:44,559
Listen for the content, meaning, and feeling. Another tool is

482
00:29:44,599 --> 00:29:50,359
to focus on the behavior, not on the person. You

483
00:29:50,359 --> 00:29:52,599
have a better chance of changing one's behavior than you

484
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:55,960
will change the person. The last story I told you

485
00:29:56,559 --> 00:30:00,119
gave evidence to that, So you're focused on the behavior

486
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:04,119
that you want to have, that you want to end.

487
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,359
So it's focusing on the behavior, not the person. It's

488
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:11,160
truly listening for the content, meaning, and feeling. And when

489
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:17,240
you do have that critical, critical feedback, you start with

490
00:30:17,359 --> 00:30:21,519
the facts. What did the person do? And they have

491
00:30:21,599 --> 00:30:27,279
to be observable and measurable facts. Second, you give your

492
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:32,200
opinion of the facts how they land on you. The

493
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:38,160
facts opinion. Third, you ask for their opinion on what

494
00:30:38,279 --> 00:30:41,680
you just said. And where we go wrong is we

495
00:30:41,799 --> 00:30:46,440
start with opinion and not facts. Now you're arguing over

496
00:30:46,519 --> 00:30:49,640
something that has nothing to do with the facts. Right,

497
00:30:50,279 --> 00:30:55,359
the once use facts, opinion, the other person's opinion. Now,

498
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,920
let's talk about what we're going to do going forward,

499
00:30:58,039 --> 00:31:00,920
what each of us are going to do. And finally,

500
00:31:01,119 --> 00:31:04,319
the E stands for express confidence. This is called the

501
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:08,599
state model. Start with the facts, talk about your opinion,

502
00:31:08,799 --> 00:31:11,880
ask for their opinion, talk about what you're going to do,

503
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:16,839
and express confidence. And finally, exclamation mark, let's talk accountability.

504
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:19,720
How are we going to make sure we are walking

505
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:20,920
and living what we talk?

506
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,400
Speaker 1: I find that a lot of men on social media

507
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,759
complain that women are not accountable or that we don't

508
00:31:29,799 --> 00:31:32,880
want to be held accountable. And you know, I guess

509
00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:37,640
there's another version of that conversation happening with women about

510
00:31:37,759 --> 00:31:42,039
men not holding themselves to account. But I think this

511
00:31:42,839 --> 00:31:46,039
was also mentioned in the chat here as well. How

512
00:31:46,079 --> 00:31:48,359
do what does that accountability look like?

513
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:49,119
Speaker 2: And how do you.

514
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:55,200
Speaker 1: How do you hold yourself accountable in a way that's

515
00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:01,119
I guess, you know, satisfying for both partners.

516
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 3: I think it's phenomenal question. Phenomenal question Number one is

517
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:12,440
truly understanding and living your values and beliefs, not consistently

518
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,400
moving the goalpost back. Well, I'm gon let it go

519
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,720
this time, I'm let it go. What do you believe in?

520
00:32:18,079 --> 00:32:20,880
Number two? This is grammatically incorrect, but I think it's

521
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:26,559
profound in that they become who you be. They become

522
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:35,440
who you be, so as you're being clear, loving, consistent communicating.

523
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,839
It's been my experience that the other person did the

524
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,000
same thing too. They didn't see the drive by shootings,

525
00:32:43,039 --> 00:32:45,400
they didn't see the bomb grenades, they didn't see the

526
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:51,559
silent treatment scorn. They saw a loving, god fearing, caring

527
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,519
person who really wants to lift you up consistently, not

528
00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:00,200
tear you down. And we're not always going to agree.

529
00:33:00,279 --> 00:33:03,559
We're not we're two different people. But how do we

530
00:33:03,599 --> 00:33:07,720
get that point of to that place of I'm gonna

531
00:33:07,799 --> 00:33:10,799
listen to what you're saying and listen for the unsaid

532
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:13,960
and vice versa, because I know you're not gonna get

533
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:15,480
up screaming, you're not gonna be yelling, you're not gonna be

534
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,680
slamming doors, because that's not what we do here. So

535
00:33:18,839 --> 00:33:21,920
they become who you be. And I believe each person

536
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:26,480
has to step into their level of accountability. And Nancy Smith,

537
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,359
my mother started me early because I attended K through

538
00:33:29,359 --> 00:33:32,200
twelve without missing a day of school. So she got

539
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:36,279
that accountability gene in me than four years under, four

540
00:33:36,319 --> 00:33:39,519
years of undergrad never missed the class, went on to

541
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:43,400
grad school, never missed the class. She always said, and

542
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:47,400
I chuckle. She said, don't give people bullets. They already

543
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,400
have guns. Don't give them a reason to exclude you,

544
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:54,880
not to choose you, to say you're not worthy by

545
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,680
being late, by not doing the assignment, by not following through,

546
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,680
by not letting your yes mean yes and you no

547
00:34:01,839 --> 00:34:05,400
me no. You gave me a reason. So don't give

548
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:11,679
your partner a reason to sit this one out. Be consistent.

549
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:14,639
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I could.

550
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,639
Speaker 1: I could get a T shirt that says that doctor

551
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:20,320
James Smith is my guest. It's a Black marriage Monday,

552
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:24,400
and we're using the best of our knowledge in communication

553
00:34:24,519 --> 00:34:26,760
to help us do a little better in that area.

554
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,039
Speaker 2: We'll continue the conversation when we come forward. On KBLA

555
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:31,320
Talk fifteen.

556
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:36,599
Speaker 1: Eighty their radio host and speaking expert Communications expert, doctor

557
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:41,840
James Smith is with us. And you know, we've been

558
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:45,159
talking about communication. That's what we do for a living.

559
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,960
But so many times we don't apply the same standards

560
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:52,159
that we have at their workplace or in other settings,

561
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:58,360
the same courtesies in a personal relationship in our home relationships.

562
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,679
I believe that's kind of Nikki Giovanni and James bald

563
00:35:01,679 --> 00:35:05,119
when we're talking about in that famous conversation where she says,

564
00:35:05,159 --> 00:35:07,360
you know, you lot to your boss, you smile at

565
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,599
your boss when you don't feel good.

566
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,719
Speaker 2: Dude, I want you to do that for me as well.

567
00:35:14,039 --> 00:35:16,760
Speaker 1: Is that part of what we're talking about, you know,

568
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:22,480
is bringing professional courtesy into the home, but somehow matching

569
00:35:22,519 --> 00:35:23,639
it with authenticity.

570
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:30,079
Speaker 3: I believe. I believe I want to say yes and no.

571
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:36,440
I believe it should be courtesy in general. And if

572
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,039
we can summon to the power to be courteous at work,

573
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,719
we can certainly summon the power to be courtesy at home.

574
00:35:44,159 --> 00:35:49,159
Courteous at home. It's a mind shift that has to occur.

575
00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:52,639
You weren't about losing your job, hey, trust me, losing

576
00:35:52,679 --> 00:35:55,159
your spouse is more significant than losing the job, in

577
00:35:55,159 --> 00:35:58,679
my opinion, because I believe one of the biggest the

578
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:02,159
biggest decisions you can making your life. In addition to

579
00:36:02,239 --> 00:36:04,840
accepting God as your Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and

580
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:11,360
just being committed to that is your partner for life.

581
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:16,159
And that's huge. So if you're gonna give me a

582
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:18,960
quick example, my wife and I made an agreement, no

583
00:36:19,119 --> 00:36:22,960
shoes in the house. Come in the house, taking shoes off,

584
00:36:23,519 --> 00:36:26,159
and going out put them back on. So for a

585
00:36:26,159 --> 00:36:30,360
period of time she kept the shoes on. She said,

586
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,039
I'll do it when I get in the bedroom. Oh no, bed,

587
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:37,679
that's not so. Every day I'm focusing on what's on

588
00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:41,280
her feet rather than how to love and to serve

589
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,159
her and to give her what she needs. I'm focusing

590
00:36:44,199 --> 00:36:47,039
on being right take off the shoes, which led to

591
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:52,840
quiet evening. Now I ask myself, how significant is that

592
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:57,679
in our relationship? How much is it worth it? I

593
00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:00,960
stopped and guess what started taking them off?

594
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 2: Wow? I mean that's part of it too.

595
00:37:04,519 --> 00:37:07,280
Speaker 1: It's because I think sometimes in a situation like that,

596
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:08,840
we make it about more than the shoes.

597
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:09,800
Speaker 2: It becomes a symbol.

598
00:37:10,199 --> 00:37:13,559
Speaker 1: Well, we made an agreement, and you're not keeping the agreement,

599
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,199
and therefore you don't respect our you know.

600
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:20,119
Speaker 2: Blah, blah blah blah blah. We extrapolate he's down like me.

601
00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:25,599
Speaker 3: Now you're disrespecting me. You know, men don't want to

602
00:37:25,599 --> 00:37:28,480
be disrespected, right.

603
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:31,159
Speaker 1: Because it's not really about it. It's not about the shoes,

604
00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:33,119
it's about the agreement, your word.

605
00:37:33,639 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 2: Are we doing too much?

606
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:41,679
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, And I believe that comes from unfortunately scarcity

607
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,400
mindset rather than the mindset of abundance and looking at

608
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:46,800
what the person does for you, your heart, your soul,

609
00:37:47,039 --> 00:37:50,679
your family. But because you don't get this, that's what

610
00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:56,480
you're gonna focus on. Come on, abundance. You decided that

611
00:37:56,559 --> 00:37:59,119
you're going to walk down this journey, this path together

612
00:38:00,519 --> 00:38:03,480
Ques and house trash.

613
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:05,760
Speaker 2: That's the hill you want to die on. Okay.

614
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:09,199
Speaker 3: Yeah.

615
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,360
Speaker 2: You also said something.

616
00:38:10,199 --> 00:38:11,320
Speaker 3: But it's not easy.

617
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,000
Speaker 2: It's not easy, No, none of this stuff.

618
00:38:13,039 --> 00:38:16,320
Speaker 1: It sounds easy, but I think when we talk about

619
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:20,000
it and think about it, it gets easier, you know,

620
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,480
rather than just getting stuck in patterns. You also said

621
00:38:23,519 --> 00:38:26,440
something I wanted to follow up on, which is you said,

622
00:38:26,599 --> 00:38:27,840
listen to the unset.

623
00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:28,599
Speaker 2: How do we do that?

624
00:38:32,119 --> 00:38:36,880
Speaker 3: That's feeling the energy and if they want to learn

625
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:41,559
more about energy, it's the Celestine prophecy by James Redfield.

626
00:38:41,559 --> 00:38:44,079
I read that a long time ago, but he talks

627
00:38:44,079 --> 00:38:47,360
about you can feel someone pulling towards you or pulling

628
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:51,400
away from you, just by being in that space. So

629
00:38:51,559 --> 00:38:53,960
listen for the energy. And I believe if you're listening

630
00:38:54,039 --> 00:38:57,800
for that interview, you can determine whether it's positive or not.

631
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:03,360
Don't label it. But in twit of the intuitively, you

632
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:06,159
get a sense for where that's coming from. And you're

633
00:39:06,159 --> 00:39:10,400
going to hear those words loud and clear by just

634
00:39:11,199 --> 00:39:16,159
listening and looking and observing and looking for patterns. Every

635
00:39:16,159 --> 00:39:18,480
time you get the conversation, does that person go quiet?

636
00:39:19,119 --> 00:39:23,639
M Well, there is something about this conversation that takes

637
00:39:23,679 --> 00:39:28,880
them to a timeout. But in our haste to be right,

638
00:39:29,039 --> 00:39:32,239
to be heard, to drive home the point to be

639
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:37,800
Johnny Cock wing for ourselves, we're creating more distance versus closeness.

640
00:39:38,079 --> 00:39:44,039
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, yeah, if the shoe fits, we must.

641
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:47,199
Speaker 2: Yeah.

642
00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:51,199
Speaker 1: Well. Morris also says, never ever, ever, ever, ever cuss.

643
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:53,440
Speaker 3: Hm.

644
00:39:54,840 --> 00:40:00,360
Speaker 1: Yes, I arguments, not ever in life because if I

645
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,119
could comply with that, but never in an argument.

646
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:08,159
Speaker 3: Oh, that's certainly a deal breaker. That's going to be

647
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:11,199
a quiet evening, maybe a quiet next couple of days.

648
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:16,559
We are intelligent enough hopefully to convey a feeling and

649
00:40:16,679 --> 00:40:23,679
emotion without having to add profanity to it. And I'm

650
00:40:23,679 --> 00:40:26,199
the one who doesn't use a lot of profanity. I

651
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:30,440
admit I will if I feel there's some danger there,

652
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:35,000
but for the most part, I'd do my best to

653
00:40:35,159 --> 00:40:38,599
express myself in a way where I don't create any

654
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:43,000
red flags about what I said or how I said it. Well,

655
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:43,840
that's good to hear it.

656
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:48,000
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, you're a very disciplined individual, and I

657
00:40:48,199 --> 00:40:50,880
definitely commend you on that. But more than that, I

658
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:53,679
commend you for today's conversation because I think it was important.

659
00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:55,719
You know, gives us a lot of things to think about.

660
00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:58,280
Doctor James Smith has been our guest. Thank you so

661
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:03,800
much for being here. Doctor James Smith Junior dot com jr.

662
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:06,440
Doctor James Smith Junior dot com is where you can

663
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:08,079
find him. Thank you again, sir.

664
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,159
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. He started my week off one

665
00:41:11,159 --> 00:41:13,960
of a very very very happy, happy way.

666
00:41:14,039 --> 00:41:16,320
Speaker 1: So thank you all right, and thank you as well.

667
00:41:16,519 --> 00:41:17,920
Speaker 2: We all need these things.

668
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 1: And as you know, Tavis Smiley's up next, he's getting

669
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,719
ready for his show. He's got a full house for you.

670
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:28,800
As usual, I would remind you to find me on

671
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:32,000
social media at Duprima Radio d I P R I

672
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:36,679
m A and then radio everywhere, even YouTube. Please follow, like, subscribe.

673
00:41:36,679 --> 00:41:42,320
The radio station is at k b L A fifteen eighty. Everywhere,

674
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:46,840
Please comment, like, follow and subscribe. Like my mama, the

675
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:51,000
late Great Diane da Prima used to say, the ultimate

676
00:41:51,119 --> 00:41:55,639
famine is the starvation of the imagination. Until tomorrow, my

677
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,920
beloved KVLA Delegation, one love,