Speaker 1: Okay, facing reality, that's what far Ali said. You gotta
do facing reality. That doesn't sound promising for a black
marriage Monday.
Speaker 2: But do you want to stay together? Do you want
to make it better?
Speaker 1: Well? We are being joined by a leadership and communications expert.
He's an author, a speaker and educator, and a coach.
His books include No Excuse, Guide to Success From Average
to Awesome and Crash and Learn. Better known as Mister Energy,
he's a Philadelphia native, a professional and personal development expert,
the founder and CEO of Jim Smith International, Jim Smith
Junior Doctor James Smith.
Speaker 3: Good morning, Good morning too. You know what an honor
and privilege would be with you? Thank you?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's great to have you on. And it's you know,
it sounds like you. You spend a lot of time
working with institutions, you know, Prudential, Vanguard, Core States Bank,
these sort of corporate entities teaching people how to communicate
better for better results. Is that the same is a
marriage or a relationship? Should we be viewing it as
an institution or a corporation in terms of putting into
practice best practices of communication?
Speaker 3: By and large, I would say yes, But I believe
in situations of marriage where it's more intimate, there's a
greater degree of authenticity and vulnerability that's needed. I've done
a great deal of research on authenticity at work, and
through that research I found out going in, I believe
that authenticity was either or either authentic or inauthentic. And
I learned through my research that is a matter more
or less and me choose how authentic to be given
the circumstance. And unfortunately, I'm finding corporate there's not a
lot of authenticity, or as much as it should. There's
companies speak, it's here's what I want you to know.
I can't tell you everything. You know, Yes, your head's spinning.
And in your marriage, you never want your partner to
leave a room or to leave a conversation with their
head spinning. I believe the stakes are higher.
Speaker 1: I think that's right that you don't want them to
leave going what just happened?
Speaker 3: You know? I agree, And unfortunately, I've been in situations
where I went into that conversation and afterwards but did
I say, how did we get that? We started here
and now we're there? And my head was spinning. So
I believe that, honest, Frank, authentic communication is vital.
Speaker 1: I mean vital, but it sounds like you're saying that
all authenticity is on a spectrum.
Speaker 2: I was speaking with this woman more t Harra Poor.
Speaker 1: She has a book called Bring Yourself, How to Negotiate Fearlessly.
She's you know, she's out of the Wharton School, and
she talks about negotiation right. And one of the things
she says, it sounds like you guys have this in common,
is that authenticity is really more important than some special
skill or some technique. Is that just showing up? And actually,
I like the rappers say keeping it real is much
more important than anything else.
Speaker 3: I believe that I'm not a big Kurt Cobang fan,
but I did like his narrative when he said I'd
rather be hated for who I am than loved for
who I'm not. And unfortunately, I believe that many people
in corporate every day is Halloween trick or treat. Put
the face on, fake it till you make it, go
along and get along, chourage people to hone it until
you own it. But you're working it. And I believe
in marriages that should be the same working it, honing
it and showing up as a hundred percent authentic as
you can.
Speaker 1: How does that work if authenticity is on a spectrum?
I mean, is that like I'm I'm a little bit lying,
I'm a little bit misrepresenting. I mean, I don't I'm
not quite I know, like I in a way I
get it because I am on the radio every day,
and I sure I am authentic. I believe I'm authentic.
But I'll tell you all my business like I'm not
going to tell.
Speaker 2: You all my business.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'll tell too much, but not all of.
Speaker 3: It that's referred. I'm reminded of a situation where I
was doing some leadership training. It was right after Katrina
in New Orleans, and I'm working with the client and
of the senior leaders the room, there was only one
brother there, and during a break, a woman came up
to him and asked him, do you think the government's
slow response to the Katrina victims was because the Orleans
is primarily a black city? And my friend said, I
wasn't answering that no way. There was no way I
can win by sharing my truth. So I said, I
can see why people might think that way. But he
wasn't going to give his truth because he didn't feel
psychologically safe.
Speaker 1: He didn't want to be the poster boy in that moment. Absolutely,
So are you saying is that authentic? Is that what
you're saying?
Speaker 3: I said, I believe that is authentic. Where he decided
from perceived consequences that it would be more helpful for
his career that he did not if he did not
disclose that truth.
Speaker 2: Sad but true.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, I remember during the O. J.
Speaker 1: Simpson days in LA that was like the that was
the litmus test. White people would come up to you
and ask you, so, what do you think about OJ?
And it was really it was real. The real question
was will you betray your community?
Speaker 2: That was the real question.
Speaker 1: And I remember that the great philosopher Neelie Fuller told us,
we're meant to say I know two things.
Speaker 2: Two people are dead, and I didn't do it.
Speaker 3: That's awesome.
Speaker 2: So I mean, I and.
Speaker 1: So I suppose that is authentic. But but when we talk.
Speaker 3: About we should we should know that when we are authentic,
and this is with our employer, corporate boss, whatever, and
with our partner, there comes a risk and that level
of authenticity may get you wounded. However, if you stay
true to your values and beliefs. You're going to at
some point learn how to walk with the wound, because
you're going to share something that someone disagrees with or
doesn't see it the way you see it, and maybe
not for enough along on their journey, and their response
to you may create disharmony in that relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, is that creating the disharmony or is our response
to it creating the disharmony.
Speaker 3: I think it's a combination. Number One I think is
how you share your truth. Our pastor when we were
getting married, you used to always say share your truth
and love you share your truth, but do it in
a loving and loving fashion, so as we are not sugarcoating,
but we're communicating in a way where someone's going to
receive what you have to say than it turning into
what I call a right fight, both people fighting to
be right.
Speaker 2: A right fight.
Speaker 1: Okay, I mean, what's the loving way to say you're fat?
I mean, maybe that's a bad example, but you know
there are some things.
Speaker 3: That you know that are maybe baby, baby, baby, I
love it when you wear that red dress, but I
haven't seen it in a minute.
Speaker 1: That's that's okay.
Speaker 3: But it's the uplift. It's the uplift and let's work
on it together. What can I do? What can you do?
Certainly not to tear them down by speaking negatively or
even something you're trying to get the truth on what happened,
oftentimes by saying why did you do that? Ding? Ding?
The fights on? Yeah, you could, you could reframe it,
tell me about who you talk to, or tell me
about what went into it. We could tell me about
you're asking the person to talk, rather than saying why
did you and the person might shut down because that
wanted to.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So it's how we communicate, how we reframe situations, and
it's the energy that we have created in the number
of deposits we've made in each other's journey.
Speaker 1: Alrighty, well, we're going to practice this. We're gonna get
good at this. We're going to communicate better in marriage, relationships, situationships, negotiationships.
Speaker 2: That's not a word.
Speaker 1: Doctor James Smith is with me and you're listening to
KBLA Talk fifteen to eighty.
Speaker 2: Right now, you're waking up with doctor James Smith.
Speaker 1: It's a Black Marriage Monday, and he's supplying his expertise
in communications to our quandary about how to build stronger
and more resilient marriages.
Speaker 2: Or long term committed relationships, even if you.
Speaker 1: All don't have a piece of paper, even you know
whatever you got going on a forensic pink right forensic
account and says in the YouTube chat, I'd refrain from
any negative comments during menopause.
Speaker 2: As a man, you have no idea.
Speaker 1: Yoga Fish says, most arguments come from misunderstandings, and I
hate to argue, but as couples, it's sometimes it seems
like the more we love each other, the more we argue.
Speaker 3: I believe that, but I believe at one point in
that relationship the conversations were about what do you need?
How can I help? I was thinking about you, and
unfortunately it evolves into you haven't done this, you haven't
done that. When's the last time you? So it went
from what can I do? To now pointing the accusatory
singer of you, and that turns into a right fight,
It turns into a debate and will keep repeating the
same patterns.
Speaker 1: I think about two things when I'm having discussions or
our immense doctor James Smith. One is Ion levan zandt
saying would you rather be right or would you rather
be happy to be happy?
Speaker 2: That one hit me kind of hard. Do you want
to be right or do you want to be happy?
I'll pick happy?
Speaker 1: Uh Andy, Yeah, But a lot of times when we
get caught up in the moment, we're not thinking about that,
we're just it becomes almost like a zero some game
rather than a conversation with a loved one.
Speaker 3: And I agree. And here's the unfortunate part. A lot
of that is stemming from a life trap that we
developed when we were young, whether it's our siblings, our parents,
we were treated a certain type of way, and we
begun began to act on that either defensively, dismissively, moving away.
And as we continue to grow older, that life trap
is still thus because we haven't confronted it, and we
take it into every relationship. So when you're triggered, you
go back to the I got to take care of myself.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know you are.
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 2: No, it's not, yes, it is no, it's not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think that the other thing that I learned
that was helpful for me, and I wonder if you
have you agree with this or you have similar rules,
is that when I hear myself saying you never or
you always, those are red flags and I need to
check myself because as soon as I'm saying you never
or you always, I'm not allowing the other person anywhere
to go.
Speaker 3: You're not, You're not. And where is your focus on
what you perceive me to be doing wrong? Or is
it how you can refrain how you see it? Or
can we sit down and discuss this in a civilized matter,
because to focus on grows. So if you focus on
what you perceive to be one of my blind spots,
oh that's going to grow huge because that's what your
focus is, rather than how can we work more effectively
together to contine this journey. We're in the.
Speaker 2: Moment that fight, okay.
Speaker 1: So Qualmela is saying, how do you resolve conflict and tension?
He says his wife and this man Morris in the
chat He says his wife and him have never argued
in decades they've been married. She loves the Lord and
I love her. He says, he's not bragging, it is
what it is. And Cowamela is asking, so how do
you how do you resolve conflict? And you know I've
I've had this conversation before. In other context, when couple
say they don't argue, is that good? Does that mean
that they're ignoring stuff? Or they you know, or they
just have found a way to let it all go.
I mean, I feel like that's a little scary, like
maybe they're not dealing with stuff.
Speaker 3: I think it's a matter of both and or. I
do believe that a God fearing marriage, where people understand
their role in this partnership and choose God first, that
can play a key role. But I also say to
the other side of the point, are you talking, are
you sharing your truth? Are you sharing your concerns? Or
are you keeping it in? And of course you don't
want to be a NonStop, on demand complainer, But when
you do get into that conflict, Michael, my questions to
ask you, are you trying to fix? Are you trying
to understand?
Speaker 2: Oh that's a great question.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And depending on where your mindset is will oftentimes
determine the outcome. Because if you're trying to fix, you're
that place I hate, and it's called devil's advocate. Let
me play devil's advocate. Let me put no, no. None of
your goal is to be right, but if it's to
help me understand, if it's to accept your truth as
truth for you, it doesn't have to be true for me.
But I'm going to say, if that's how you feel,
then that's how you feel. And I'm not going to
shoot on you by telling you how you should feel.
I want to uncover, I want to create unfolding dialogue.
I want to learn. I don't want to prove you wrong.
And depending on what mindset we have again, we'll play
a role in the outcome of that conversation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, that's the devil's advocate thing is a
little pet peeve of mine too. Just be the people's
advocate or be your own advocate.
Speaker 2: You don't need to advocate for the devil. He's got
that covered.
Speaker 1: But but Morris is not feeling me. He says, what
I'm saying is BS, and Okay, that's fine. He said,
if you don't have a strong, loving, really relationship, please
be quiet. I think people process things in different ways.
But you know, some of us like to talk a
lot and some of us like to process a different way.
Do you have any you know, any other kind of
dues and don'ts like that? Like I like I whenever
I hear myself now say you never or you always?
I you know what, Give me a second, let me
think this through, Let me breathe a few times and
come back and we'll we'll put a pin in this.
Are there any other things like that where we might
where we might hear ourselves and say, you know what, No,
I need to refrain. Yeah, I'm caught up in this moment.
I'm being as as Sahara Ali always says, be wise,
not emotional.
Speaker 2: I'm being emotional right now. Let me reel it in.
Speaker 3: I know one thing for sure. Every time I have
moved into a conversation after I've been triggered and I
say to myself, this isn't going to end well? Is
it worth it? And every time I've moved forward triggered,
it didn't end well. It became explosive. So what I
should have done is go back to my favorite chair,
sit down, hands on knees, count to one hundred, prey
on it. And if I'm not triggered, if I'm not
ready to go yet, stay there. You are not going
to have a positive conversation if you walk in sweating.
They always say that the boxer when he or she's
about to fight. If they walk in the ring dry,
they're going to get knocked out. But if they walk
in sweating, you know what's going to be on. So
you walk into that conversation sweating, You didn't walk in
to have a peaceful conversation. You win, right, right, right.
And in life, they say, when we're young, we look
a lot like our parents, but when we get older,
we look a lot like our choices. So what are
we choosing in that moment of conflict or communication or disagreement.
What are you choosing? And oftentimes you want to get
what you choose, and that, unfortunately, is that desire to
be right. That is a relationship killer. Wanting to be right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I get it.
Speaker 2: It's nice to be right, but.
Speaker 1: It's nice to be in a marriage too, or in
a loving relationship. Jerry Anderson is in the chat. He says, hey, Morse,
does that translate into things women shouldn't be speaking up on?
Speaker 2: Either?
Speaker 1: A man can be told to shut up all the
time telling a woman what.
Speaker 2: You can't speak on. Okay, we've only got.
Speaker 1: Two minutes here, doctor James Smith.
Speaker 3: I'm going to lose, Yes, I'm going to lose some
brother points right here because I'm reading into the comment,
which is to be right. I have learned that as
much as we want to be equal, we are wired differently.
And every time I've gotten into an argument with my
spouse and I say, you keep cutting me off, but
that's going to end in disaster. So it's fielded process
and prayerfully move forward. I learned a long time that
we are wired differently. So to try to get a
woman to act like a man and vice versa, then
the woman doesn't need that man, or the man doesn't
need that woman. Understand the dichotomy. The difference is in
the relationship. And yes, there are some things, some words
that sting a lot more. And there's no rules for argument,
I've been told consistently. Now we're arguing about the rules
of argument rather than who's coming in late and who's
coming in early and who's not cleaning up the conversations
Now on the rules and guys, as a person who's
been on the receiving end, you're not going to win that.
So how important is it? How important is it? It's
frustrating to be interrupted, but you're not going to change
that score.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Wow, A bunch of greats.
Speaker 3: And were interrupted at work that boss talk over.
Speaker 1: You're right right, right, right right, well yeah, yeah, I
mean yeah, We've got news, traffic and sports right here.
We'll address the twenty seven questions you brought up when
we just when we come forward along with Big John,
who says being all the way authentic will have a
person some single and unemployed, Well address thatded more after news,
traffic and sports only right here, and it's scholarly match
is almost always you and we're pleased to be talking
on this black marriage Monday with doctor James Smith. He's
an expert on communications, leadership, communications, the author of books
including The No Excuse Guide to Success and from Averaged Awesome.
You can find out more at doctor James Smith Junior
dot com Doctor James Smith Jr. Don't spell out junior
doctor James Smith Junior dot com and you can order
his books there and find out much much more applying
these principles to relationships. Wrote down several questions here, some
of them coming from our Chack Qwamel wants to know
if you believe in the age Old Adage, then men
should not argue with women period.
Speaker 3: To me, argue sounds like a fight so that's the question. Yes,
I believe that. I believe men and women should have
conversations expressing their once, their thoughts, their needs, their desires,
and give the other opportunity to listen, perhaps refrain, and
not look to be right. But when I hear argue,
I can't think of an argument that ever won with
a woman, my daughter, my mother, and my wife. Is
not going to happen, you know, So let's let's discuss it.
And I believe there was a conversation in the chat
room previously about if you're always authentic, the lead to
a variety of negative factors. I believe through my research
there is what's called a threshold for authentic expression. Initially,
the first part of the threshold is to fake it
to you and make it not sharing your truth, being
passive and not being authentic. In the middle, I would say,
from say we go one to ten, I would say
from a four to eight, you're leaning more towards true
authentic expression. That is acceptable. But if you are an
authentic narcissist, racism, whatever, those go against the cultural, more rays,
the organizational, more raised the values that you're establishing your relationship,
So all bets are off if you're going buck while crazy,
you know, insane with your degree of authenticity, it doesn't
jive with the social, organizational or family fundamental more rays
that exists.
Speaker 1: So that's why you're back to this idea of authenticity
being on a spectrum and or the tone I mean,
because tone and how you deliver it is all so important.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's the wrapping of the gifts inside. And the
gift is feedback, And if you want someone to receive feedback,
well it's how you frame it. When I do coaching
on presentation skills, where someone stands up and they present
virtually or in person, I give them feedback three ways.
The first p is praise, the second p is polish,
in the third pie is possibility. So the praise what
you did extremely well, the polish what you could do better,
and the possibility a way for you to do it better.
And people receive that feedback much better than positive constructive
or what you did right. What you did wrong is
communicating clearly so the person can feel it, see it,
and hear it. And the here is not volume, The
here is visceral understanding. Because like you, I'm sure at
some point growing up your mom or dad said, girl,
you don't hear me. They weren't talking volume. They were
talking visceral understanding, cognitive understand because if you got it,
you would have done something different with it well.
Speaker 1: And the fact of the matter is the reason I
chuckled is because I know that a lot of times
when folks get into discussions couples, friends, families, they do
raise their volume, and that's usually a sign that they're
not hearing each other, and it's not going to help
at all.
Speaker 3: No, we're talking loud now that neighbors can hear, but
neither one of us is listening to what the other
person says. They're waiting for a point to interject right,
or call you on that one thing that they disagree with,
and now the conversation is going to arive straight.
Speaker 1: I have a pet peeve about that with radio hosts,
not just radio TV too. I think that a lot
of people just they have their list of questions and
they're just waiting to ask their question. And it's the
same kind of thing that happens in an argument or
conversation with a loved one. Sometime they're not listening, and
I feel like the person you're talking to could say, well,
I killed my neighbor and buried them under the floorboards,
and they would just go to their next question because
they're not listening.
Speaker 3: I agree with you so much. I'm interviewed a lot
on shows. I have my own radio show here in Philadelphia.
And that's a pet peeve of mine. The agenda and
also the question that's followed by a statement. The interviewer
forgot the question because you ask the question, then you
go into a diet tribe while you feel this way,
and now I'm like, what did you ask? Its agenda?
It's agenda.
Speaker 2: Here's one, go ahead, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Here's one for you. At one point, my traveling got
up to seventy percent of the time. This is before COVID.
I was on the road NonStop, and equivalently, every time
I was about to leave to head to the airport,
my wife would say, can you take the trash out? Now?
Trash should be the next day. Two days a week,
she would say, take the trash out. I grew so
frustrated and angry, and I would take that trash out,
talking under my bon so I remember this. One time
it happened. I took it out, got in my car.
Now I'm late for my flight, my college roommate calls me,
what's going on? I'm taking tray either A dude, if
she always asks you to take the trash out, and
you know she's going to ask you to take the
trash out, how would you take the trash out before
she asked you? Duh? But what I wanted I wanted
her to stop asking me. I wanted her to change,
and that led to months of me being fired up
until finally I just did, I'm gonna take the trash out.
Before I left, I would say, I'm taking the trash out.
I got an extra five minutes.
Speaker 1: If you want to do nothing, you want to say,
come say a heartfelt goodbye?
Speaker 3: Uh? Huh out? Now? How you let me? Now?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I mean I think that's fair in what is
our part? Whatever the interaction is? What is our part
in this?
Speaker 2: The uh?
Speaker 1: You know? You talk about communication a lot, as I mentioned,
with corporations. Are there techniques that would translate into a
marriage or or a love relationship? Techniques that you teach
to corporate leaders about how to more effectively communicate what
they're trying to say?
Speaker 3: Sure, I'll give you a couple. One is too when
you're talking to your partner to listen for the c
m F stands for content, meaning, and feeling. The words
may be coming out as content that you think you understand,
but it may not be what he or she means
or how they feel. Perfect example, I walk into the
kitchen my life stare. She's a little frustrated. Her arms
are folded. The babe, what's wrong? Nothing? Yeah, hold up?
Hold up? He said nothing, But the volume, in the
tone and their energy suggest something is wrong. So let's
talk about what could be contributing to your energy right now.
Listen for the content, meaning, and feeling. Another tool is
to focus on the behavior, not on the person. You
have a better chance of changing one's behavior than you
will change the person. The last story I told you
gave evidence to that, So you're focused on the behavior
that you want to have, that you want to end.
So it's focusing on the behavior, not the person. It's
truly listening for the content, meaning, and feeling. And when
you do have that critical, critical feedback, you start with
the facts. What did the person do? And they have
to be observable and measurable facts. Second, you give your
opinion of the facts how they land on you. The
facts opinion. Third, you ask for their opinion on what
you just said. And where we go wrong is we
start with opinion and not facts. Now you're arguing over
something that has nothing to do with the facts. Right,
the once use facts, opinion, the other person's opinion. Now,
let's talk about what we're going to do going forward,
what each of us are going to do. And finally,
the E stands for express confidence. This is called the
state model. Start with the facts, talk about your opinion,
ask for their opinion, talk about what you're going to do,
and express confidence. And finally, exclamation mark, let's talk accountability.
How are we going to make sure we are walking
and living what we talk?
Speaker 1: I find that a lot of men on social media
complain that women are not accountable or that we don't
want to be held accountable. And you know, I guess
there's another version of that conversation happening with women about
men not holding themselves to account. But I think this
was also mentioned in the chat here as well. How
do what does that accountability look like?
Speaker 2: And how do you.
Speaker 1: How do you hold yourself accountable in a way that's
I guess, you know, satisfying for both partners.
Speaker 3: I think it's phenomenal question. Phenomenal question Number one is
truly understanding and living your values and beliefs, not consistently
moving the goalpost back. Well, I'm gon let it go
this time, I'm let it go. What do you believe in?
Number two? This is grammatically incorrect, but I think it's
profound in that they become who you be. They become
who you be, so as you're being clear, loving, consistent communicating.
It's been my experience that the other person did the
same thing too. They didn't see the drive by shootings,
they didn't see the bomb grenades, they didn't see the
silent treatment scorn. They saw a loving, god fearing, caring
person who really wants to lift you up consistently, not
tear you down. And we're not always going to agree.
We're not we're two different people. But how do we
get that point of to that place of I'm gonna
listen to what you're saying and listen for the unsaid
and vice versa, because I know you're not gonna get
up screaming, you're not gonna be yelling, you're not gonna be
slamming doors, because that's not what we do here. So
they become who you be. And I believe each person
has to step into their level of accountability. And Nancy Smith,
my mother started me early because I attended K through
twelve without missing a day of school. So she got
that accountability gene in me than four years under, four
years of undergrad never missed the class, went on to
grad school, never missed the class. She always said, and
I chuckle. She said, don't give people bullets. They already
have guns. Don't give them a reason to exclude you,
not to choose you, to say you're not worthy by
being late, by not doing the assignment, by not following through,
by not letting your yes mean yes and you no
me no. You gave me a reason. So don't give
your partner a reason to sit this one out. Be consistent.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I could.
Speaker 1: I could get a T shirt that says that doctor
James Smith is my guest. It's a Black marriage Monday,
and we're using the best of our knowledge in communication
to help us do a little better in that area.
Speaker 2: We'll continue the conversation when we come forward. On KBLA
Talk fifteen.
Speaker 1: Eighty their radio host and speaking expert Communications expert, doctor
James Smith is with us. And you know, we've been
talking about communication. That's what we do for a living.
But so many times we don't apply the same standards
that we have at their workplace or in other settings,
the same courtesies in a personal relationship in our home relationships.
I believe that's kind of Nikki Giovanni and James bald
when we're talking about in that famous conversation where she says,
you know, you lot to your boss, you smile at
your boss when you don't feel good.
Speaker 2: Dude, I want you to do that for me as well.
Speaker 1: Is that part of what we're talking about, you know,
is bringing professional courtesy into the home, but somehow matching
it with authenticity.
Speaker 3: I believe. I believe I want to say yes and no.
I believe it should be courtesy in general. And if
we can summon to the power to be courteous at work,
we can certainly summon the power to be courtesy at home.
Courteous at home. It's a mind shift that has to occur.
You weren't about losing your job, hey, trust me, losing
your spouse is more significant than losing the job, in
my opinion, because I believe one of the biggest the
biggest decisions you can making your life. In addition to
accepting God as your Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and
just being committed to that is your partner for life.
And that's huge. So if you're gonna give me a
quick example, my wife and I made an agreement, no
shoes in the house. Come in the house, taking shoes off,
and going out put them back on. So for a
period of time she kept the shoes on. She said,
I'll do it when I get in the bedroom. Oh no, bed,
that's not so. Every day I'm focusing on what's on
her feet rather than how to love and to serve
her and to give her what she needs. I'm focusing
on being right take off the shoes, which led to
quiet evening. Now I ask myself, how significant is that
in our relationship? How much is it worth it? I
stopped and guess what started taking them off?
Speaker 2: Wow? I mean that's part of it too.
Speaker 1: It's because I think sometimes in a situation like that,
we make it about more than the shoes.
Speaker 2: It becomes a symbol.
Speaker 1: Well, we made an agreement, and you're not keeping the agreement,
and therefore you don't respect our you know.
Speaker 2: Blah, blah blah blah blah. We extrapolate he's down like me.
Speaker 3: Now you're disrespecting me. You know, men don't want to
be disrespected, right.
Speaker 1: Because it's not really about it. It's not about the shoes,
it's about the agreement, your word.
Speaker 2: Are we doing too much?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, And I believe that comes from unfortunately scarcity
mindset rather than the mindset of abundance and looking at
what the person does for you, your heart, your soul,
your family. But because you don't get this, that's what
you're gonna focus on. Come on, abundance. You decided that
you're going to walk down this journey, this path together
Ques and house trash.
Speaker 2: That's the hill you want to die on. Okay.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: You also said something.
Speaker 3: But it's not easy.
Speaker 2: It's not easy, No, none of this stuff.
Speaker 1: It sounds easy, but I think when we talk about
it and think about it, it gets easier, you know,
rather than just getting stuck in patterns. You also said
something I wanted to follow up on, which is you said,
listen to the unset.
Speaker 2: How do we do that?
Speaker 3: That's feeling the energy and if they want to learn
more about energy, it's the Celestine prophecy by James Redfield.
I read that a long time ago, but he talks
about you can feel someone pulling towards you or pulling
away from you, just by being in that space. So
listen for the energy. And I believe if you're listening
for that interview, you can determine whether it's positive or not.
Don't label it. But in twit of the intuitively, you
get a sense for where that's coming from. And you're
going to hear those words loud and clear by just
listening and looking and observing and looking for patterns. Every
time you get the conversation, does that person go quiet?
M Well, there is something about this conversation that takes
them to a timeout. But in our haste to be right,
to be heard, to drive home the point to be
Johnny Cock wing for ourselves, we're creating more distance versus closeness.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, yeah, if the shoe fits, we must.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well. Morris also says, never ever, ever, ever, ever cuss.
Speaker 3: Hm.
Speaker 1: Yes, I arguments, not ever in life because if I
could comply with that, but never in an argument.
Speaker 3: Oh, that's certainly a deal breaker. That's going to be
a quiet evening, maybe a quiet next couple of days.
We are intelligent enough hopefully to convey a feeling and
emotion without having to add profanity to it. And I'm
the one who doesn't use a lot of profanity. I
admit I will if I feel there's some danger there,
but for the most part, I'd do my best to
express myself in a way where I don't create any
red flags about what I said or how I said it. Well,
that's good to hear it.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, you're a very disciplined individual, and I
definitely commend you on that. But more than that, I
commend you for today's conversation because I think it was important.
You know, gives us a lot of things to think about.
Doctor James Smith has been our guest. Thank you so
much for being here. Doctor James Smith Junior dot com jr.
Doctor James Smith Junior dot com is where you can
find him. Thank you again, sir.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. He started my week off one
of a very very very happy, happy way.
Speaker 1: So thank you all right, and thank you as well.
Speaker 2: We all need these things.
Speaker 1: And as you know, Tavis Smiley's up next, he's getting
ready for his show. He's got a full house for you.
As usual, I would remind you to find me on
social media at Duprima Radio d I P R I
m A and then radio everywhere, even YouTube. Please follow, like, subscribe.
The radio station is at k b L A fifteen eighty. Everywhere,
Please comment, like, follow and subscribe. Like my mama, the
late Great Diane da Prima used to say, the ultimate
famine is the starvation of the imagination. Until tomorrow, my
beloved KVLA Delegation, one love,