1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:00,880 Speaker 1: Fall is here. 2 00:00:01,159 --> 00:00:04,679 Speaker 2: The air's crisp, the coffee's pumpkined, and you're ride well, 3 00:00:04,679 --> 00:00:07,759 it's still squeaking like a haunted house. Time to drive 4 00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:10,480 into Fall. At Victor Chrysler Dodge Jeep ram On Root 5 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,919 ninety six in Victor, where they've got deals hotter than 6 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,800 your neighbor's bonfire. Right now, you can lease a new 7 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,800 twenty twenty five Jeep Compass Limited four by four for 8 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,399 just two sixty nine a month for twenty four months. 9 00:00:22,559 --> 00:00:26,160 That's right. Get into something safe, stylish, and way more 10 00:00:26,199 --> 00:00:29,239 reliable than your cousins. Trust me, it'll make it car. 11 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,600 Or maybe you're the adventurous type. 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Because this Fall, the only thing you 29 00:01:22,239 --> 00:01:24,840 should be falling for is a brand new. 30 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,799 Speaker 1: Ride when your old career gives you lemons throwing some 31 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:31,239 ice mix in some vodka. 32 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,680 Speaker 2: Call it a podcast from the Mac of All Trade 33 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:39,519 Studio in Fairport and driven by Victor Chrysler Dots Jeep Ram. 34 00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 1: It's Billified, the Bill Moran Podcast. Way, Hello and welcome 35 00:02:00,159 --> 00:02:03,400 solo from my Solo Cup. I don't even know what 36 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:03,799 that means. 37 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,359 Speaker 2: I told you I was gonna do these once in 38 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,520 a while, so this is a solo. 39 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,639 Speaker 1: One and I won't be. 40 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:19,960 Speaker 2: As expensive as our other episodes. But I thought it'd 41 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,800 be interesting to come in here and kind of tell 42 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,000 you something. Somebody said I should be kind of keeping 43 00:02:24,039 --> 00:02:26,039 a diary of things and this might be a way 44 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,000 to sort of do that. Every once in a while, 45 00:02:28,039 --> 00:02:31,520 I'll pop in and we'll just do like the diaries, 46 00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:36,840 because there's a lot happy, there's a lot happening. 47 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,039 Speaker 1: Man, I gotta tell you, and. 48 00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:45,159 Speaker 2: I'll start with Here's where I'll start. I think every 49 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:51,000 one of us in life has something that comes up 50 00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:55,199 that scares us and excites us. And I guess it 51 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,400 kind of becomes that fork in the road, right you 52 00:02:57,439 --> 00:03:01,639 can go one way or the other saying I used 53 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,120 to say. I used to say, if it scares me, 54 00:03:04,479 --> 00:03:09,400 I'm gonna do it. And I've been like that pretty 55 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:14,080 much my whole life, just like I don't stop to 56 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,000 weigh the pros and cons because if I do, I 57 00:03:16,039 --> 00:03:18,479 know I'm not gonna do it right, So if it 58 00:03:18,719 --> 00:03:20,639 But now I'm thinking, if. 59 00:03:20,599 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 1: It scares you and excites you, because. 60 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 2: All these things that I did all my life and 61 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,120 when I'm talking about is stupid shit, Like hey, how 62 00:03:28,159 --> 00:03:32,439 about we climb up on the roof strip completely naked 63 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,919 and will jump into we call them bottle cap pools, 64 00:03:35,919 --> 00:03:38,479 but pools that were like what three and a half 65 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:41,479 four feet deep right off the roof of the house, 66 00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:45,280 you know, two story houses. So those are like dumb 67 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,000 things to do, but it excited me. 68 00:03:48,199 --> 00:03:48,759 Speaker 1: I like that. 69 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,439 Speaker 2: I love sort of in a way. I don't know 70 00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,319 that I live on the edge. I'm not a F 71 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,599 one driver that's living on the edge, but I think 72 00:03:57,599 --> 00:03:59,759 I could have gotten there. I mean in some way, 73 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:04,599 I have this fucked up ability to just like uber 74 00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:09,240 calm myself at times. And so there's that. And you know, 75 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,520 I'm jumping off bridges as kids, Like we're all partying 76 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,360 and drinking and somebody says, hey, we should jump in, 77 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,600 and these girls jump in. 78 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,720 Speaker 1: So of course, who's an ex naked into the creek? 79 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 2: Me? But you never stopped to go, hey, there could 80 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,399 be a rock that we can't see. It's dark out, 81 00:04:29,639 --> 00:04:31,800 who knows if there is, Like I don't know somebody's 82 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:33,360 old fishing line you're gonna get at. 83 00:04:33,519 --> 00:04:34,399 Speaker 1: There's all kinds of. 84 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 2: Shit that your parents, and as parents, we would say 85 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:42,040 to our kids, right. But I think that sometimes we 86 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:47,519 hold ourselves back from maybe living our full life. I 87 00:04:47,519 --> 00:04:50,199 think there's two things that I'm learning that we do 88 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,560 that holds us back from our full life. And that's 89 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,040 why when the opportunity came up and doctor rob Rice 90 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,199 was in here and kind of explained it for me 91 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,439 to go back and get a master's degree in mental 92 00:05:04,439 --> 00:05:08,759 health counseling. I didn't I had that moment right, but 93 00:05:08,879 --> 00:05:12,399 it excited me, like, hey, an opportunity to learn something new. 94 00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:13,959 It's something that I feel like I have a lot 95 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,360 of transferable skills, even from radio and stuff, and I'll 96 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,319 explain kind of how that works. All I'm saying to 97 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,959 you is, if there's something that both excites you and 98 00:05:22,079 --> 00:05:26,560 scares you, do it. Fucking do it, you know, and 99 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,279 it doesn't have to be something like going down to 100 00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:30,480 the dragstrip. You know, my buddy, Hey, we rented out 101 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,000 the dragstrip for the day. We've got a bunch of cars. 102 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,879 You want to come down And I've never dragged race 103 00:05:34,879 --> 00:05:37,439 in an official drag strip. So to go down there 104 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,000 and you know, top out one sixty one forty whatever 105 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,240 is thrilling. It's also scary. You could lose your your 106 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:46,399 shit and go into the I don't think about those things. 107 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:51,439 But what I'm saying is that there's something that excites 108 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,839 you and scares you, do it. Like if it's somebody 109 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:57,519 says to you, hey, we should go to uh, let's 110 00:05:57,519 --> 00:05:59,959 go to Zurich or a Switzerland. Let's go to Zurich 111 00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:02,720 and let's ski. And you're like, oh god, that would 112 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:03,759 be so amazing. 113 00:06:03,399 --> 00:06:04,399 Speaker 1: But I can't. 114 00:06:04,399 --> 00:06:08,439 Speaker 2: But I find a way, find a fucking way, go 115 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,959 do it, because those are the things you're gonna remember 116 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,319 in life. So when it came to the grad school 117 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,519 thing for me, I didn't sit down. It wasn't like 118 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,560 I had been planning for months, here's my next move, 119 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,480 I'm gonna do this, and we're researching school. 120 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,279 Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't at all. It just came about. 121 00:06:24,879 --> 00:06:27,319 Speaker 2: And sometimes I also think like, well, maybe if we 122 00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,639 believe in the proverbial signs, that's the sign. 123 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:30,879 Speaker 1: Right. 124 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,600 Speaker 2: So I'm in this class, I'm in these classes. Now, 125 00:06:35,519 --> 00:06:39,800 we're past midterms. I think I did pretty good. The 126 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,439 month of November is going to be a ton of work, 127 00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:44,560 and there's also these group projects and things. And you 128 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,920 got to remember, like I've been very honest about my 129 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,199 age and stuff throughout my life. 130 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 1: I'm fifty four years old. 131 00:06:50,639 --> 00:06:52,600 Speaker 2: Kind of an odd time to go back to school, right, 132 00:06:52,639 --> 00:06:55,639 You would think, even how do you learn and how 133 00:06:55,639 --> 00:06:59,600 do you go back? The great thing is that throughout 134 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:03,759 my radio career and even the podcast. I've had to 135 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,759 do so much prep and memorize so much stuff and 136 00:07:06,879 --> 00:07:10,120 learn things I didn't know that it's second nature to me. 137 00:07:10,199 --> 00:07:12,639 I can like bang, It's like remember in a comedy 138 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,040 set right, you know are things you're gonna forget. But 139 00:07:15,279 --> 00:07:18,600 for the most part, I figured I could walk through 140 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:23,360 this and be okay. Now's when it comes to crunch time, 141 00:07:23,439 --> 00:07:25,319 and my sister, who has a doctorate, said to me, 142 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,839 now you see why I always hated Thanksgiving because it 143 00:07:28,879 --> 00:07:31,199 was everything was due at once, and everything is due 144 00:07:31,199 --> 00:07:35,720 at once. But here's the weird part is that in 145 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:41,879 this mental health master's degree, I'm saying it wrong. There 146 00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:46,079 are majority women, and there are guys, and there's some 147 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,959 guys I don't know if they're exactly about my age, 148 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,360 a couple of them. But I wind up in groups 149 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:55,720 like you have group projects and things with all women. 150 00:07:56,839 --> 00:08:00,680 And I have to tell you, honestly, I mean you, 151 00:08:01,399 --> 00:08:04,519 many of you know my story and how the podcast began, 152 00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:07,839 and I don't know. Sometimes I'm afraid to open my mouth. 153 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,240 Not afraid, well, I guess afraid. I guess afraid would 154 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,120 be the word because I'm I'm not scared and excited. 155 00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:16,160 Speaker 1: I'm just scared, so I would not. 156 00:08:16,519 --> 00:08:19,399 Speaker 2: There are times I don't really want to say anything 157 00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,319 in there because I'm afraid that what I'm going to 158 00:08:22,399 --> 00:08:25,560 say may be seen as offensive or what I'm going 159 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,360 to say is going to be like the old guy 160 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,959 taken over, and I don't want to be that person. 161 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,279 So I've I've stayed a little quiet, and somebody kind 162 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,080 of got on my ass a. 163 00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:33,759 Speaker 1: Little bit last week. 164 00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 2: It's like, we need to hear from you, but it's 165 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,399 all Remember it's all women, some in this group who 166 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:43,320 have said you remind me of my dad. It's just like, Okay, 167 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:47,000 I hope you're is a really cool guy. But those 168 00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:51,759 are So that's kind of where I'm at with all 169 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:55,679 this stuff, and things are are dialing up, but I 170 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,639 am enjoying it and I am learning a lot, and 171 00:08:59,399 --> 00:09:04,080 I think we're finding a path to keep things kind 172 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:09,159 of going in a good direction, but keep things going, 173 00:09:09,279 --> 00:09:11,600 keep things going here, keep things going at home, and 174 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,799 just finding that way. I will tell you that one 175 00:09:14,799 --> 00:09:17,240 of the things that I have used, and you've heard 176 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,159 me on the other podcast or on the. 177 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,720 Speaker 1: Other podcast this is this is the podcast, this is Billify. 178 00:09:23,279 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 2: You've heard me say that I've been thinking a lot 179 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,519 about Bill Lightman, and I'll explain that in a second. 180 00:09:28,519 --> 00:09:32,559 Two you heard me say that I've been taking Adderall. 181 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:37,200 So I got my own prescription for Adderall and there 182 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,080 are twenty milligrams, and man. 183 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: It was like I took that. 184 00:09:40,799 --> 00:09:43,759 Speaker 2: I felt like I was clenching my jaw and I was, 185 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,120 I don't know, like at the end of the day, 186 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,039 it was kind of like annoyed and kind of on 187 00:09:49,279 --> 00:09:51,480 edge a little bit, and I didn't really like it. 188 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:56,039 It didn't feel as good as the ones I borrowed 189 00:09:56,759 --> 00:10:02,480 from a friend who had ten milligrams slow release. So 190 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:04,639 I was thinking of calling and changing it and blah blah. 191 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:07,200 And I felt like like my hands swoll one day, 192 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,639 like my blood pressure was up, so I started. I 193 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,879 bought a pill cutter because I could never cut pills 194 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:17,960 in half properly. So I've been splitting these in half 195 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,159 and taking half an ADDI every day. I call them 196 00:10:20,159 --> 00:10:22,360 addies now because I'm an addict. 197 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,720 Speaker 1: And I also do my flu bomb thing. Now. 198 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 2: My flu bomb is where I take you know, rod ginjerute. 199 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,039 I put it through a garlic press. I take some 200 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,360 big clove of garlic. I squeezed that in there. I 201 00:10:36,399 --> 00:10:39,240 add in a full lemon, squeezed the juice in, I 202 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,639 put in some honey, a quarter of a teaspoon of 203 00:10:42,799 --> 00:10:45,639 cayenne pepper, and then in warm water. I mixed that 204 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,039 shit up and shoot it down. 205 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,399 Speaker 1: It's like a boom. 206 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 2: And I the reason I did that is I when 207 00:10:52,279 --> 00:10:53,759 I was going to the doctor, they kept saying to 208 00:10:53,799 --> 00:10:55,919 me a couple of years ago, like your. 209 00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:57,279 Speaker 1: Blood pressure sort of borderline. 210 00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,440 Speaker 2: Well it's a little high, we should watch it, blah 211 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:02,960 blah blah. And then I started doing that, and I'm 212 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,440 telling you, garlic is the antibiotic that you need. I mean, 213 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:10,039 that's like the natural remedy. God darn, my blood pressure 214 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,200 was great. So I'm like, I know what I'll do. 215 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,960 I'll start doing that twice a day. And as it 216 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,720 turns out, probably smart. Because somebody from one of my 217 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,960 groups says they have strep throat, and you know, there's 218 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,919 all and everything's going around, right, the seasons are starting 219 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,000 to change, We're getting in that time, you're getting your 220 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,039 alerts on your phone about come in and get. 221 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:26,879 Speaker 1: Your flu vaccine. 222 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:31,320 Speaker 2: So I would say, try to try the try the 223 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,720 flu mone let me give you something else. 224 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,360 Speaker 1: I think that. 225 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:43,759 Speaker 2: I have learned more about myself. Right, do we ever 226 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,559 really truly know ourselves? We become the identity of our job. 227 00:11:48,519 --> 00:11:52,360 I'm a sales rep. That becomes the identity of you 228 00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:54,799 know who I am, I'm a doctor, I'm on whatever. 229 00:11:55,639 --> 00:11:59,159 And that's not who you are, that's what you do. 230 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:04,840 Who you are is the loving human being capable of 231 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,000 loving right, whatever. But we put on masks and we 232 00:12:08,039 --> 00:12:14,000 do things. So one of the things I would say, 233 00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:18,559 you want to live, like really live, feel like you're alive. 234 00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:20,200 And I think there's a lot of people we get 235 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:25,240 caught up, especially now, a lot of negativity in the world, 236 00:12:25,279 --> 00:12:28,600 a lot of people angry about stuff. You've got social 237 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:31,679 media that takes you out of the present moment. You 238 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,039 can be having a you could be talking to someone 239 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,639 trying to stay present, and they could be having a 240 00:12:36,639 --> 00:12:40,320 conversation on an app you're not even aware of yet 241 00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:44,600 with somebody not in that room, and you don't know 242 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,600 if they're really paying attention. You feel like they are, 243 00:12:46,639 --> 00:12:50,840 But everybody's going a million different places, and sometimes you 244 00:12:50,879 --> 00:12:53,600 start to feel like you're maybe dead inside. That's the 245 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,480 term that I've heard from people, And I think one 246 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:02,799 of the things that I've learned about myself, and it 247 00:13:02,879 --> 00:13:08,519 was affirmed for me today, is that I have avoided 248 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:15,320 feelings my entire life. I used to joke and say 249 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,960 I have no nerve endings because I wouldn't really get 250 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:23,120 emotional and stuff about a lot of things. I mean 251 00:13:23,159 --> 00:13:25,799 you would, right, there are certain things that you would get emotional. 252 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,799 Speaker 1: But to really truly like feel. 253 00:13:29,879 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 2: Things, I think that's what keeps us alive. I've often 254 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:37,919 said on the podcast, why do we like music? Why 255 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,000 is music so important to us? Why are there certain 256 00:13:41,039 --> 00:13:43,240 things to listen to? Go, God, that's such a piece 257 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,080 of shit song, but I love it? Why Because there's 258 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,639 a feeling attached to it. There was a time in 259 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:51,039 my life that that song brings me back to that 260 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:56,159 was wonderful, or maybe not so wonderful. But we have feelings. 261 00:13:56,279 --> 00:13:59,679 Feelings are all we really have when you think of it, 262 00:13:59,759 --> 00:14:02,799 at the end of the day, how does something make 263 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:07,879 me feel? And in order to live fully, you've got 264 00:14:07,879 --> 00:14:11,399 to feel. You've got to feel all of it. And 265 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,279 I think that when you get to the end of 266 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,960 your life, and I certainly hope I'm not close to 267 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,960 that yet, that you say, boy, if I could just 268 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,159 go back and feel that even that heartbreak, just one 269 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,000 more day, didn't know I'm alive. 270 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 1: You know, a relationship ends. 271 00:14:30,399 --> 00:14:32,639 Speaker 2: And I've been reading we have to read this book 272 00:14:32,679 --> 00:14:38,120 and write a reflection paper. So I do it, and 273 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:44,200 the feedback comes back from the professor, great technical analysis, 274 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,600 blah blah blah. I think your insights are really good 275 00:14:46,759 --> 00:14:49,559 on the book itself. But this is a reflection paper. 276 00:14:49,559 --> 00:14:52,320 And I didn't feel like I walked away learning much 277 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:57,919 about you. Why And I think it's a rhetorical why, 278 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,799 or maybe I'm adding the why now, But the reason 279 00:15:00,919 --> 00:15:05,960 is I have always and I've realized this, and I'm 280 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,960 gonna be rawly honest with you and hopefully you'll stick 281 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,360 with me and maybe you'll be able to relate to it. 282 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,960 I have avoided feelings pretty much my entire life, my 283 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,960 entire life. I've been very open about being sexually molested 284 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,480 by a babysitter male when I was six years old 285 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:30,000 and seven years old, actually I was seven seven years old, 286 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,600 and I never paid attention to the ripple effects of 287 00:15:34,639 --> 00:15:38,440 what that did to my life and how that made 288 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:42,960 me feel about myself, how others perceived me. All that stuff, 289 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,960 and I know it sounds like, uh, here we go 290 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,960 mental hotht council, and like, eh, I think at some 291 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,720 point and I'm gonna give you my examples as to 292 00:15:50,759 --> 00:15:56,120 why I never really I don't think i've to this day. 293 00:15:56,159 --> 00:15:58,799 If you're gonna where people go, I've dealt with it, 294 00:15:58,919 --> 00:16:01,080 you know, I've faced it. I've talked about it. I've 295 00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:03,799 talked about it. I don't know that I've ever really 296 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,919 dealt with it. I'm not sure I know how to 297 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,080 deal with it. I do go to counseling myself, but 298 00:16:09,159 --> 00:16:11,120 I don't know that I know how to deal with it. 299 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,960 I'm reading this book and it was really about it's 300 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,519 like all the things that we all do right and 301 00:16:18,559 --> 00:16:20,879 how we suppress it down. And one of the examples 302 00:16:20,919 --> 00:16:24,559 in the book is a woman is all excited. Boyfriend's 303 00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:27,440 coming back from a business trip. She's picking them up, 304 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,080 and maybe I've talked about this already. I feel like 305 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,120 I have. She's picking them up and they're going to 306 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:36,159 go have She's made dinner, she's bought his special wine, 307 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,200 let's just say, or something. And she picks him up 308 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,240 and he's like hey, gets in the car and she's like, hey, 309 00:16:42,279 --> 00:16:45,320 I really missed you. I have this and this for dinner, 310 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,120 and he goes, oh. She goes, yep, it's gonna be 311 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,440 ready as soon as we get back, and he goes, 312 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,000 it's great because that'll give me time to go meet 313 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:57,720 with the guys when we're done. This pisces her off. 314 00:16:58,879 --> 00:17:01,559 Let's put in all this time effort. He's been gone, 315 00:17:01,799 --> 00:17:04,160 You've missed him. And she doesn't say anything, and she 316 00:17:04,279 --> 00:17:09,319 presses it down and presses it down. And then later 317 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,680 in the book, as she's going through the therapy, and 318 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,839 the therapist is the one writing this, and he's saying, 319 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:18,119 you know, she avoids this conflict, but she presses it 320 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,640 down and starts to feel mad and resentful. And any 321 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,079 one of us can pretty much relate to this story. 322 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:24,359 Speaker 1: Right. 323 00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 2: So they're away on a trip and it's supposed to 324 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,359 be no business. They're going to do no business on 325 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:34,599 this trip at all, and she goes to the bathroom 326 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,759 and she comes back out. They're at this beautiful resort 327 00:17:38,839 --> 00:17:41,759 or something, and he's pacing back and forth on his 328 00:17:41,839 --> 00:17:47,480 phone and they're like, she can feel herself, right, what 329 00:17:47,519 --> 00:17:52,000 do we call that? I hate this term trigger fucking hate. 330 00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:56,680 I'm being honest, you're getting the raw me today because 331 00:17:56,839 --> 00:17:59,759 just wait, I'm about to really really give you insight 332 00:17:59,799 --> 00:18:02,920 to me. I'm not unloading on anything. I'm unloading on myself. 333 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,440 So she then goes and talks to him and says, hey, 334 00:18:08,079 --> 00:18:11,559 in a very calm way, I thought, was that a 335 00:18:11,559 --> 00:18:13,640 business call? And he goes, no, no, no, and he's 336 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,759 trying to avoid right, doesn't want to piss her off. 337 00:18:15,799 --> 00:18:19,079 But he's now it's up in his head. He's preoccupied 338 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:21,880 whatever went on. And she says to him a little 339 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:25,599 bit later, Hey, we agreed no business on this trip, 340 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,480 and I feel like when I came out of the bathroom, 341 00:18:28,599 --> 00:18:31,799 you were doing the pacing that you do, and I 342 00:18:31,839 --> 00:18:34,160 believe you were on a business call. And it's making 343 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,880 me angry because we agreed none and that. The guy 344 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:42,640 looks at her and says, fuck you, no, fuck you. 345 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,279 Speaker 1: How do you think you're gonna make money? Right? 346 00:18:46,799 --> 00:18:48,880 Speaker 2: That would have made that would have made me fall 347 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,359 out of my chair. Uh, he said what I think 348 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:53,720 a lot of us would say, You're right. 349 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:54,480 Speaker 1: I was. 350 00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:57,480 Speaker 2: I was on a on a business phone call, and 351 00:18:58,039 --> 00:18:59,480 I'm sorry we did agree to that. 352 00:19:00,279 --> 00:19:00,920 Speaker 1: Not to do that. 353 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 2: She said, the rest of the trip was fantastic, Right, 354 00:19:04,319 --> 00:19:06,319 because we don't a lot of times we suppress things 355 00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:07,279 and we don't. 356 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 1: Talk about it. 357 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,799 Speaker 2: I literally would say, I have no nerve endings. I 358 00:19:12,839 --> 00:19:15,400 gave my dad's eulogy. I have had people tell me 359 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,079 that was the best. I've had a number of people, 360 00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:21,039 a number of people which I always go, ah, one 361 00:19:21,039 --> 00:19:23,240 person they're blown to smoke up your ass, two people 362 00:19:23,319 --> 00:19:25,079 as somebody else was drunk, and the other guy who's 363 00:19:25,079 --> 00:19:26,000 blowing to smoke up your ass. 364 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:26,519 Speaker 1: Three people. 365 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,319 Speaker 2: You get a group of people who go, that was 366 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,279 the best eulogy I've ever heard. And it makes you 367 00:19:31,319 --> 00:19:34,480 feel like, yeah, because I really like that. But I 368 00:19:34,519 --> 00:19:38,079 have to be very, very very candid on this. It 369 00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:41,160 was a performance for me. It was stand up comedy. 370 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,440 It was all the skills I used to get through 371 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:48,880 grad school. I can memorize things, I can absorb the 372 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:52,160 things I really love. I loved my dad, but I 373 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:56,359 never really like people go. My mother would say, I 374 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:58,240 don't think you've really grieved properly. 375 00:19:58,240 --> 00:19:58,799 Speaker 1: I don't know how to. 376 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,559 Speaker 2: I don't know how to do it. I don't know 377 00:20:00,559 --> 00:20:03,160 how to do it. No one showed me all my life. 378 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,599 I was always in trouble. I wasn't good enough for 379 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,319 the standard that was put forth by the man who's 380 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:12,680 now dead. And I'm learning that. And then when I 381 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:18,039 look back at my life, here's here's the thing you're 382 00:20:18,079 --> 00:20:24,039 supposed to mourn. I guess that's the term, right, kind 383 00:20:24,039 --> 00:20:25,599 of when anything comes to an end. 384 00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:30,079 Speaker 1: That that was special to you. So I'll go with relationships. 385 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:35,880 Speaker 2: I was engaged to a woman could see that there 386 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,279 was gonna be some mismatches, or to be quite honest, 387 00:20:40,319 --> 00:20:44,519 I would cheat because I already was cheating because there 388 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,799 just wasn't there was a part of me that wasn't 389 00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:51,400 being fulfilled sexually. I got it okay, just again being honest, 390 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:56,079 and so I ended it, but got right into another relationship. 391 00:20:56,119 --> 00:21:00,359 They dovetailed like, so you never had to deal with 392 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,880 the pain of one ending because there was a new 393 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,720 one beginning and you were all wrapped up in the 394 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,640 new beginning. And I did it then, and I did 395 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:13,079 it after that. And for the past five years I've 396 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:20,119 been alone, no real dovetailing of any kind, and that's 397 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,440 been good. But I've still I've turned off feelings. That's 398 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,039 what made me realize that I had really turned off 399 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,279 any of my feelings to actually feel, and as much 400 00:21:31,319 --> 00:21:35,440 as those feelings suck, I'm telling you that is the 401 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:39,559 nectar of life. That's why you gotta feel it all. 402 00:21:39,839 --> 00:21:43,720 Feel the elation, feel the pain, suck it, just stop, 403 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,839 let it feel it because if you do, you're probably 404 00:21:47,839 --> 00:21:51,519 gonna live better. Maybe maybe you'll you'll know that that 405 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,160 was so painful. I never want to go through that again. 406 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,920 I'm not going You ever see somebody, and a lot 407 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,880 of times we can see it better with a friend 408 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:03,279 than we can with ourselves. But you go, yeah, he's 409 00:22:03,319 --> 00:22:06,720 with the same woman, she just has a different face. 410 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,160 He's with the exact same woman, just a different face. 411 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,839 I'm not saying that certainly a boy myself, because they've 412 00:22:12,839 --> 00:22:17,839 all very different. But my point being that there's a 413 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:22,880 certain like familiarity for us in our relationships with people. 414 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,559 And you see it when the person you go, gosh, 415 00:22:25,799 --> 00:22:27,680 this is gonna end just like the other one's end. 416 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 1: It didn't. 417 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,759 Speaker 2: Sure enough, later on down the road it does end 418 00:22:30,759 --> 00:22:32,680 that way, and you're like, how come he keeps doing that? 419 00:22:32,759 --> 00:22:34,559 Or how come she keeps doing that? It's always the 420 00:22:34,599 --> 00:22:38,680 same thing, because I don't think we've ever really come 421 00:22:38,759 --> 00:22:45,160 to terms with letting ourselves figure it out. Being alone 422 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,599 and figure it out. And even though I've been alone 423 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:53,559 for five years, no real I mean, like, tell me, 424 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,359 have you seen me with a woman around the many 425 00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:01,160 people who listen to this podcast are in my local Hilaria, No, 426 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,599 I haven't. I haven't really talked to. Only recently have 427 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,680 I started talking about somebody on the podcast, And even 428 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,680 there I try to back off a little bit because 429 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,400 I don't wanna embarrass them and I don't know how whatever, 430 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,359 But the point being that I haven't. So there's been 431 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:21,559 no more dovetailing, but there's been certainly I'm I'm fucking 432 00:23:21,599 --> 00:23:26,279 turned off. My feelings are turned off to a certain extent, 433 00:23:26,799 --> 00:23:30,119 like the deep, deep feeling, the deep grieving of something 434 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:33,160 a relationship has ended. Give your time, yourself time to 435 00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:35,759 heal as what they say, Well, let me tell you something. 436 00:23:35,799 --> 00:23:38,240 As you get older, you start to realize how fucking 437 00:23:38,279 --> 00:23:42,000 important that is. That's fucking important to do. You got 438 00:23:42,039 --> 00:23:45,240 to kind of heal through it. And my thing was like, 439 00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:49,759 let's just find some new busy. I'm sorry for being 440 00:23:49,799 --> 00:23:54,640 so descriptively stupid, but that. 441 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,359 Speaker 1: Is exactly kind of how I always did things right. 442 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,440 Speaker 2: You avoided the pain of breaking off a relationship. You 443 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,640 avoided the pain of doing things. You turned off your feeling. 444 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:09,319 You had no nerve ending. Be honest with yourself, tap 445 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:14,200 into the feeling. Feel the fucking feeling. Feel it, feel it. 446 00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:17,039 Let it just sit with you and sit with the feeling. 447 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:19,559 Speaker 1: It will pass. It's It doesn't have to take over 448 00:24:19,559 --> 00:24:19,920 your life. 449 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,039 Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be you're depressed and in a 450 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,440 ball and never able to get out of bed. But 451 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,240 feel it, recognize it, let it be your guide to things. 452 00:24:28,599 --> 00:24:31,039 Because when you have a cold heart, as I was 453 00:24:31,039 --> 00:24:33,799 told today, and you need to open those chakras. And 454 00:24:33,839 --> 00:24:36,240 I know for myself that I just have not. And 455 00:24:36,279 --> 00:24:40,640 that was a thought not with Gina who did the reiki, 456 00:24:40,759 --> 00:24:45,319 but on my own and maybe through the mental health 457 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:50,559 counseling a little bit here, that I just the no 458 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,319 nerve endings thing is not the right way to live. 459 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:57,079 Speaker 1: It's not Use your feelings. Use your feelings. 460 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,039 Speaker 2: You don't have to be soft and wimpy, and but 461 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,599 use them as a guide. If something isn't working, either 462 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,279 confront it in a very calm and natural way that 463 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:08,759 you can talk to somebody and maybe work it out. 464 00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:10,920 Speaker 1: If it's in a relationship or you have. 465 00:25:10,839 --> 00:25:13,799 Speaker 2: To decide that this just isn't isn't for me. Be 466 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:17,519 respectful and mourn a relationship, be sad that it's over. 467 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,400 Understand that there'll be moments maybe when you miss somebody 468 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,039 or you miss certain things about that. But in the 469 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:27,000 end it's probably the better decision because you had the feeling, 470 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,519 and you weren't doing anything about the feeling, and you 471 00:25:29,559 --> 00:25:33,160 were staying stuck. And when you're stuck and kind of miserable, 472 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,799 when you're stuck and turned off, you're no good to anybody. 473 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:37,880 You're no good to anybody. 474 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:40,880 Speaker 1: It's just the way it is, right, just the way 475 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:41,160 it is. 476 00:25:42,799 --> 00:25:47,839 Speaker 2: Thank you for allowing me to uh audio verbally dump 477 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,440 on you. I was gonna say audio dump, but verbally 478 00:25:49,519 --> 00:25:51,799 dump my diary on you. But I do think that 479 00:25:51,839 --> 00:25:53,640 there are things that have been kicking or out of 480 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,839 my head that may help you, and I know are 481 00:25:57,839 --> 00:26:01,799 gonna help me. This is one more for a bill lightenment, 482 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,359 and sometimes I like to reach the bigger audience, which 483 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,400 is certainly a bilified and I thank you for being 484 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,720 part of that audience. It means more to me than 485 00:26:10,759 --> 00:26:12,720 I can properly express. 486 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:17,680 Speaker 1: We'll see you tomorrow. 487 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,519 Speaker 2: Hello, my friends, let's be honest, twenty twenty five has 488 00:26:25,519 --> 00:26:28,559 been a lot between the news, the group chats, the 489 00:26:28,559 --> 00:26:30,519 price of coffee. I mean, most of us are running 490 00:26:30,519 --> 00:26:33,319 on caffeine and chaos. That's why it's time to hit 491 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:37,839 pause and align your energy. My friend, an absolute powerhouse 492 00:26:37,839 --> 00:26:40,599 of peace healer, Shila Tillick is here to help you 493 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:44,319 shake off the stress, balance your vibes, and unlock your 494 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:48,400 highest potential. I'm talking real healing here, not light a 495 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,160 candle and hope for the best energy. Shila works on 496 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:55,400 a cellular level, releasing those old energetic imprints stored deep 497 00:26:55,519 --> 00:26:58,599 in your DNA, you know the ones that pop up 498 00:26:58,599 --> 00:27:01,480 every time you're in law's visit and listen. With the 499 00:27:01,599 --> 00:27:04,960 new year right around the corner, this is the perfect gift. 500 00:27:05,279 --> 00:27:08,119 Help someone deal with the issues and their tissues and 501 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,839 start twenty twenty six on the right foot. Plus, you 502 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:14,240 can meet Sheila in person at the Let's Rock Market Sunday, 503 00:27:14,279 --> 00:27:18,200 October twenty sixth at Eagle Vale from ten to four pm. 504 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,000 Swing by, say hi, and maybe let her tune up 505 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:23,160 your energy while you're at it. So go to Sheila 506 00:27:23,279 --> 00:27:26,279 Tillic dot com. Check out our holiday specials see all 507 00:27:26,319 --> 00:27:29,240 the offers and get ready to glow from the inside 508 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,839 out because, let's face it, peace looks good on you. 509 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,519 Sheila Tillic helping you heal, one good vibe at a time.