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Speaker 1: It's Billified, the Bill Moran Podcast. Way, Hello and welcome
solo from my Solo Cup. I don't even know what
that means.
Speaker 2: I told you I was gonna do these once in
a while, so this is a solo.
Speaker 1: One and I won't be.
Speaker 2: As expensive as our other episodes. But I thought it'd
be interesting to come in here and kind of tell
you something. Somebody said I should be kind of keeping
a diary of things and this might be a way
to sort of do that. Every once in a while,
I'll pop in and we'll just do like the diaries,
because there's a lot happy, there's a lot happening.
Speaker 1: Man, I gotta tell you, and.
Speaker 2: I'll start with Here's where I'll start. I think every
one of us in life has something that comes up
that scares us and excites us. And I guess it
kind of becomes that fork in the road, right you
can go one way or the other saying I used
to say. I used to say, if it scares me,
I'm gonna do it. And I've been like that pretty
much my whole life, just like I don't stop to
weigh the pros and cons because if I do, I
know I'm not gonna do it right, So if it
But now I'm thinking, if.
Speaker 1: It scares you and excites you, because.
Speaker 2: All these things that I did all my life and
when I'm talking about is stupid shit, Like hey, how
about we climb up on the roof strip completely naked
and will jump into we call them bottle cap pools,
but pools that were like what three and a half
four feet deep right off the roof of the house,
you know, two story houses. So those are like dumb
things to do, but it excited me.
Speaker 1: I like that.
Speaker 2: I love sort of in a way. I don't know
that I live on the edge. I'm not a F
one driver that's living on the edge, but I think
I could have gotten there. I mean in some way,
I have this fucked up ability to just like uber
calm myself at times. And so there's that. And you know,
I'm jumping off bridges as kids, Like we're all partying
and drinking and somebody says, hey, we should jump in,
and these girls jump in.
Speaker 1: So of course, who's an ex naked into the creek?
Speaker 2: Me? But you never stopped to go, hey, there could
be a rock that we can't see. It's dark out,
who knows if there is, Like I don't know somebody's
old fishing line you're gonna get at.
Speaker 1: There's all kinds of.
Speaker 2: Shit that your parents, and as parents, we would say
to our kids, right. But I think that sometimes we
hold ourselves back from maybe living our full life. I
think there's two things that I'm learning that we do
that holds us back from our full life. And that's
why when the opportunity came up and doctor rob Rice
was in here and kind of explained it for me
to go back and get a master's degree in mental
health counseling. I didn't I had that moment right, but
it excited me, like, hey, an opportunity to learn something new.
It's something that I feel like I have a lot
of transferable skills, even from radio and stuff, and I'll
explain kind of how that works. All I'm saying to
you is, if there's something that both excites you and
scares you, do it. Fucking do it, you know, and
it doesn't have to be something like going down to
the dragstrip. You know, my buddy, Hey, we rented out
the dragstrip for the day. We've got a bunch of cars.
You want to come down And I've never dragged race
in an official drag strip. So to go down there
and you know, top out one sixty one forty whatever
is thrilling. It's also scary. You could lose your your
shit and go into the I don't think about those things.
But what I'm saying is that there's something that excites
you and scares you, do it. Like if it's somebody
says to you, hey, we should go to uh, let's
go to Zurich or a Switzerland. Let's go to Zurich
and let's ski. And you're like, oh god, that would
be so amazing.
Speaker 1: But I can't.
Speaker 2: But I find a way, find a fucking way, go
do it, because those are the things you're gonna remember
in life. So when it came to the grad school
thing for me, I didn't sit down. It wasn't like
I had been planning for months, here's my next move,
I'm gonna do this, and we're researching school.
Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't at all. It just came about.
Speaker 2: And sometimes I also think like, well, maybe if we
believe in the proverbial signs, that's the sign.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So I'm in this class, I'm in these classes. Now,
we're past midterms. I think I did pretty good. The
month of November is going to be a ton of work,
and there's also these group projects and things. And you
got to remember, like I've been very honest about my
age and stuff throughout my life.
Speaker 1: I'm fifty four years old.
Speaker 2: Kind of an odd time to go back to school, right,
You would think, even how do you learn and how
do you go back? The great thing is that throughout
my radio career and even the podcast. I've had to
do so much prep and memorize so much stuff and
learn things I didn't know that it's second nature to me.
I can like bang, It's like remember in a comedy
set right, you know are things you're gonna forget. But
for the most part, I figured I could walk through
this and be okay. Now's when it comes to crunch time,
and my sister, who has a doctorate, said to me,
now you see why I always hated Thanksgiving because it
was everything was due at once, and everything is due
at once. But here's the weird part is that in
this mental health master's degree, I'm saying it wrong. There
are majority women, and there are guys, and there's some
guys I don't know if they're exactly about my age,
a couple of them. But I wind up in groups
like you have group projects and things with all women.
And I have to tell you, honestly, I mean you,
many of you know my story and how the podcast began,
and I don't know. Sometimes I'm afraid to open my mouth.
Not afraid, well, I guess afraid. I guess afraid would
be the word because I'm I'm not scared and excited.
Speaker 1: I'm just scared, so I would not.
Speaker 2: There are times I don't really want to say anything
in there because I'm afraid that what I'm going to
say may be seen as offensive or what I'm going
to say is going to be like the old guy
taken over, and I don't want to be that person.
So I've I've stayed a little quiet, and somebody kind
of got on my ass a.
Speaker 1: Little bit last week.
Speaker 2: It's like, we need to hear from you, but it's
all Remember it's all women, some in this group who
have said you remind me of my dad. It's just like, Okay,
I hope you're is a really cool guy. But those
are So that's kind of where I'm at with all
this stuff, and things are are dialing up, but I
am enjoying it and I am learning a lot, and
I think we're finding a path to keep things kind
of going in a good direction, but keep things going,
keep things going here, keep things going at home, and
just finding that way. I will tell you that one
of the things that I have used, and you've heard
me on the other podcast or on the.
Speaker 1: Other podcast this is this is the podcast, this is Billify.
Speaker 2: You've heard me say that I've been thinking a lot
about Bill Lightman, and I'll explain that in a second.
Two you heard me say that I've been taking Adderall.
So I got my own prescription for Adderall and there
are twenty milligrams, and man.
Speaker 1: It was like I took that.
Speaker 2: I felt like I was clenching my jaw and I was,
I don't know, like at the end of the day,
it was kind of like annoyed and kind of on
edge a little bit, and I didn't really like it.
It didn't feel as good as the ones I borrowed
from a friend who had ten milligrams slow release. So
I was thinking of calling and changing it and blah blah.
And I felt like like my hands swoll one day,
like my blood pressure was up, so I started. I
bought a pill cutter because I could never cut pills
in half properly. So I've been splitting these in half
and taking half an ADDI every day. I call them
addies now because I'm an addict.
Speaker 1: And I also do my flu bomb thing. Now.
Speaker 2: My flu bomb is where I take you know, rod ginjerute.
I put it through a garlic press. I take some
big clove of garlic. I squeezed that in there. I
add in a full lemon, squeezed the juice in, I
put in some honey, a quarter of a teaspoon of
cayenne pepper, and then in warm water. I mixed that
shit up and shoot it down.
Speaker 1: It's like a boom.
Speaker 2: And I the reason I did that is I when
I was going to the doctor, they kept saying to
me a couple of years ago, like your.
Speaker 1: Blood pressure sort of borderline.
Speaker 2: Well it's a little high, we should watch it, blah
blah blah. And then I started doing that, and I'm
telling you, garlic is the antibiotic that you need. I mean,
that's like the natural remedy. God darn, my blood pressure
was great. So I'm like, I know what I'll do.
I'll start doing that twice a day. And as it
turns out, probably smart. Because somebody from one of my
groups says they have strep throat, and you know, there's
all and everything's going around, right, the seasons are starting
to change, We're getting in that time, you're getting your
alerts on your phone about come in and get.
Speaker 1: Your flu vaccine.
Speaker 2: So I would say, try to try the try the
flu mone let me give you something else.
Speaker 1: I think that.
Speaker 2: I have learned more about myself. Right, do we ever
really truly know ourselves? We become the identity of our job.
I'm a sales rep. That becomes the identity of you
know who I am, I'm a doctor, I'm on whatever.
And that's not who you are, that's what you do.
Who you are is the loving human being capable of
loving right, whatever. But we put on masks and we
do things. So one of the things I would say,
you want to live, like really live, feel like you're alive.
And I think there's a lot of people we get
caught up, especially now, a lot of negativity in the world,
a lot of people angry about stuff. You've got social
media that takes you out of the present moment. You
can be having a you could be talking to someone
trying to stay present, and they could be having a
conversation on an app you're not even aware of yet
with somebody not in that room, and you don't know
if they're really paying attention. You feel like they are,
But everybody's going a million different places, and sometimes you
start to feel like you're maybe dead inside. That's the
term that I've heard from people, And I think one
of the things that I've learned about myself, and it
was affirmed for me today, is that I have avoided
feelings my entire life. I used to joke and say
I have no nerve endings because I wouldn't really get
emotional and stuff about a lot of things. I mean
you would, right, there are certain things that you would get emotional.
Speaker 1: But to really truly like feel.
Speaker 2: Things, I think that's what keeps us alive. I've often
said on the podcast, why do we like music? Why
is music so important to us? Why are there certain
things to listen to? Go, God, that's such a piece
of shit song, but I love it? Why Because there's
a feeling attached to it. There was a time in
my life that that song brings me back to that
was wonderful, or maybe not so wonderful. But we have feelings.
Feelings are all we really have when you think of it,
at the end of the day, how does something make
me feel? And in order to live fully, you've got
to feel. You've got to feel all of it. And
I think that when you get to the end of
your life, and I certainly hope I'm not close to
that yet, that you say, boy, if I could just
go back and feel that even that heartbreak, just one
more day, didn't know I'm alive.
Speaker 1: You know, a relationship ends.
Speaker 2: And I've been reading we have to read this book
and write a reflection paper. So I do it, and
the feedback comes back from the professor, great technical analysis,
blah blah blah. I think your insights are really good
on the book itself. But this is a reflection paper.
And I didn't feel like I walked away learning much
about you. Why And I think it's a rhetorical why,
or maybe I'm adding the why now, But the reason
is I have always and I've realized this, and I'm
gonna be rawly honest with you and hopefully you'll stick
with me and maybe you'll be able to relate to it.
I have avoided feelings pretty much my entire life, my
entire life. I've been very open about being sexually molested
by a babysitter male when I was six years old
and seven years old, actually I was seven seven years old,
and I never paid attention to the ripple effects of
what that did to my life and how that made
me feel about myself, how others perceived me. All that stuff,
and I know it sounds like, uh, here we go
mental hotht council, and like, eh, I think at some
point and I'm gonna give you my examples as to
why I never really I don't think i've to this day.
If you're gonna where people go, I've dealt with it,
you know, I've faced it. I've talked about it. I've
talked about it. I don't know that I've ever really
dealt with it. I'm not sure I know how to
deal with it. I do go to counseling myself, but
I don't know that I know how to deal with it.
I'm reading this book and it was really about it's
like all the things that we all do right and
how we suppress it down. And one of the examples
in the book is a woman is all excited. Boyfriend's
coming back from a business trip. She's picking them up,
and maybe I've talked about this already. I feel like
I have. She's picking them up and they're going to
go have She's made dinner, she's bought his special wine,
let's just say, or something. And she picks him up
and he's like hey, gets in the car and she's like, hey,
I really missed you. I have this and this for dinner,
and he goes, oh. She goes, yep, it's gonna be
ready as soon as we get back, and he goes,
it's great because that'll give me time to go meet
with the guys when we're done. This pisces her off.
Let's put in all this time effort. He's been gone,
You've missed him. And she doesn't say anything, and she
presses it down and presses it down. And then later
in the book, as she's going through the therapy, and
the therapist is the one writing this, and he's saying,
you know, she avoids this conflict, but she presses it
down and starts to feel mad and resentful. And any
one of us can pretty much relate to this story.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So they're away on a trip and it's supposed to
be no business. They're going to do no business on
this trip at all, and she goes to the bathroom
and she comes back out. They're at this beautiful resort
or something, and he's pacing back and forth on his
phone and they're like, she can feel herself, right, what
do we call that? I hate this term trigger fucking hate.
I'm being honest, you're getting the raw me today because
just wait, I'm about to really really give you insight
to me. I'm not unloading on anything. I'm unloading on myself.
So she then goes and talks to him and says, hey,
in a very calm way, I thought, was that a
business call? And he goes, no, no, no, and he's
trying to avoid right, doesn't want to piss her off.
But he's now it's up in his head. He's preoccupied
whatever went on. And she says to him a little
bit later, Hey, we agreed no business on this trip,
and I feel like when I came out of the bathroom,
you were doing the pacing that you do, and I
believe you were on a business call. And it's making
me angry because we agreed none and that. The guy
looks at her and says, fuck you, no, fuck you.
Speaker 1: How do you think you're gonna make money? Right?
Speaker 2: That would have made that would have made me fall
out of my chair. Uh, he said what I think
a lot of us would say, You're right.
Speaker 1: I was.
Speaker 2: I was on a on a business phone call, and
I'm sorry we did agree to that.
Speaker 1: Not to do that.
Speaker 2: She said, the rest of the trip was fantastic, Right,
because we don't a lot of times we suppress things
and we don't.
Speaker 1: Talk about it.
Speaker 2: I literally would say, I have no nerve endings. I
gave my dad's eulogy. I have had people tell me
that was the best. I've had a number of people,
a number of people which I always go, ah, one
person they're blown to smoke up your ass, two people
as somebody else was drunk, and the other guy who's
blowing to smoke up your ass.
Speaker 1: Three people.
Speaker 2: You get a group of people who go, that was
the best eulogy I've ever heard. And it makes you
feel like, yeah, because I really like that. But I
have to be very, very very candid on this. It
was a performance for me. It was stand up comedy.
It was all the skills I used to get through
grad school. I can memorize things, I can absorb the
things I really love. I loved my dad, but I
never really like people go. My mother would say, I
don't think you've really grieved properly.
Speaker 1: I don't know how to.
Speaker 2: I don't know how to do it. I don't know
how to do it. No one showed me all my life.
I was always in trouble. I wasn't good enough for
the standard that was put forth by the man who's
now dead. And I'm learning that. And then when I
look back at my life, here's here's the thing you're
supposed to mourn. I guess that's the term, right, kind
of when anything comes to an end.
Speaker 1: That that was special to you. So I'll go with relationships.
Speaker 2: I was engaged to a woman could see that there
was gonna be some mismatches, or to be quite honest,
I would cheat because I already was cheating because there
just wasn't there was a part of me that wasn't
being fulfilled sexually. I got it okay, just again being honest,
and so I ended it, but got right into another relationship.
They dovetailed like, so you never had to deal with
the pain of one ending because there was a new
one beginning and you were all wrapped up in the
new beginning. And I did it then, and I did
it after that. And for the past five years I've
been alone, no real dovetailing of any kind, and that's
been good. But I've still I've turned off feelings. That's
what made me realize that I had really turned off
any of my feelings to actually feel, and as much
as those feelings suck, I'm telling you that is the
nectar of life. That's why you gotta feel it all.
Feel the elation, feel the pain, suck it, just stop,
let it feel it because if you do, you're probably
gonna live better. Maybe maybe you'll you'll know that that
was so painful. I never want to go through that again.
I'm not going You ever see somebody, and a lot
of times we can see it better with a friend
than we can with ourselves. But you go, yeah, he's
with the same woman, she just has a different face.
He's with the exact same woman, just a different face.
I'm not saying that certainly a boy myself, because they've
all very different. But my point being that there's a
certain like familiarity for us in our relationships with people.
And you see it when the person you go, gosh,
this is gonna end just like the other one's end.
Speaker 1: It didn't.
Speaker 2: Sure enough, later on down the road it does end
that way, and you're like, how come he keeps doing that?
Or how come she keeps doing that? It's always the
same thing, because I don't think we've ever really come
to terms with letting ourselves figure it out. Being alone
and figure it out. And even though I've been alone
for five years, no real I mean, like, tell me,
have you seen me with a woman around the many
people who listen to this podcast are in my local Hilaria, No,
I haven't. I haven't really talked to. Only recently have
I started talking about somebody on the podcast, And even
there I try to back off a little bit because
I don't wanna embarrass them and I don't know how whatever,
But the point being that I haven't. So there's been
no more dovetailing, but there's been certainly I'm I'm fucking
turned off. My feelings are turned off to a certain extent,
like the deep, deep feeling, the deep grieving of something
a relationship has ended. Give your time, yourself time to
heal as what they say, Well, let me tell you something.
As you get older, you start to realize how fucking
important that is. That's fucking important to do. You got
to kind of heal through it. And my thing was like,
let's just find some new busy. I'm sorry for being
so descriptively stupid, but that.
Speaker 1: Is exactly kind of how I always did things right.
Speaker 2: You avoided the pain of breaking off a relationship. You
avoided the pain of doing things. You turned off your feeling.
You had no nerve ending. Be honest with yourself, tap
into the feeling. Feel the fucking feeling. Feel it, feel it.
Let it just sit with you and sit with the feeling.
Speaker 1: It will pass. It's It doesn't have to take over
your life.
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be you're depressed and in a
ball and never able to get out of bed. But
feel it, recognize it, let it be your guide to things.
Because when you have a cold heart, as I was
told today, and you need to open those chakras. And
I know for myself that I just have not. And
that was a thought not with Gina who did the reiki,
but on my own and maybe through the mental health
counseling a little bit here, that I just the no
nerve endings thing is not the right way to live.
Speaker 1: It's not Use your feelings. Use your feelings.
Speaker 2: You don't have to be soft and wimpy, and but
use them as a guide. If something isn't working, either
confront it in a very calm and natural way that
you can talk to somebody and maybe work it out.
Speaker 1: If it's in a relationship or you have.
Speaker 2: To decide that this just isn't isn't for me. Be
respectful and mourn a relationship, be sad that it's over.
Understand that there'll be moments maybe when you miss somebody
or you miss certain things about that. But in the
end it's probably the better decision because you had the feeling,
and you weren't doing anything about the feeling, and you
were staying stuck. And when you're stuck and kind of miserable,
when you're stuck and turned off, you're no good to anybody.
You're no good to anybody.
Speaker 1: It's just the way it is, right, just the way
it is.
Speaker 2: Thank you for allowing me to uh audio verbally dump
on you. I was gonna say audio dump, but verbally
dump my diary on you. But I do think that
there are things that have been kicking or out of
my head that may help you, and I know are
gonna help me. This is one more for a bill lightenment,
and sometimes I like to reach the bigger audience, which
is certainly a bilified and I thank you for being
part of that audience. It means more to me than
I can properly express.
Speaker 1: We'll see you tomorrow.
Speaker 2: Hello, my friends, let's be honest, twenty twenty five has
been a lot between the news, the group chats, the
price of coffee. I mean, most of us are running
on caffeine and chaos. That's why it's time to hit
pause and align your energy. My friend, an absolute powerhouse
of peace healer, Shila Tillick is here to help you
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every time you're in law's visit and listen. With the
new year right around the corner, this is the perfect gift.
Help someone deal with the issues and their tissues and
start twenty twenty six on the right foot. Plus, you
can meet Sheila in person at the Let's Rock Market Sunday,
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Swing by, say hi, and maybe let her tune up
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