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Speaker 1: What is up, guys, Welcome back to softcore History. Happy

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New Year. It is me Rob and I wanted to

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give you one last Christmas present before we kick off

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twenty twenty five, and that is two original sketches from

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our Patreonhleball and The Diary of Helen Slegerman Chapter one.

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Please listen and enjoy, and I can't wait to give

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you more content in the new year.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to another episode of Forgotten Heroes of Sport on NPR.

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In the world of athletics, few debates are more heated

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than those over the goat. Whether it's a sport with

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a relatively short albeit rich history like football or basketball,

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or games whose history span a century or more such

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as soccer, tennis, golf, and baseball, player is the quote

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greatest of all time? The goat is a debate that

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seems to both rage endlessly and expand as new combatants enter,

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first the arena of their sport, and then should the

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fans find them worthy? The arena of the goat debates themselves.

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Within these debates, perhaps no subject is more contentious than

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Era Do Babe Ruth's seven hundred and fourteen home runs,

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the last one hit a mere two years into Adolf

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Hitler's still then promising administration in Germany really measure up

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to the likes of Hank Aaron's seven point fifty five

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or Albert Poolhol's even more recent seven oh three. In

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these debates, the old are informed confidently by the young

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that the heroes of the former's youth do not measure

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up to the modern elite athlete. Reminiscent fathers are told

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by impatient sons, shut up, you old bitch. No one

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asked you shit. Now give me your credit card. Me

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and the boys are taking some sluts to the mall.

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Even more confoundingly, a star of yesteryear's uttered dominance of

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their sport, such as Jim Thorpe or Wilt Chamberlain or

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Babe Ruth, is used as proof of the purported weakness

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of their era. But even that argument has its limits.

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Some dominance is too profound to be ignored. This is

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perhaps truer for one athlete of the early twentieth century,

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more than any other, the great but forgotten Skippy Laroche.

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In no sport in American history was any athlete more

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dominant in his or any era than Skippy Laroche. Sixteen

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consecutive championships, sixteen consecutive League MVP awards, sixteen consecutive scoring titles,

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sixteen consecutive Defender of the Year awards. From eighteen ninety

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nine to nineteen fifteen, Skippy Laroche dominated his sport like

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no athlete before or since. But the arguments against Laroche

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are the same as they are for every other legendary

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athlete who had the misfortune of being born before the television.

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They played not against today's professionals, but rather nobody's, against

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plumbers and factory workers, against part timers and hobbyists, or,

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in Laroche's case, far worse. His game was hohleball, and

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Skippy Laroche was the greatest hole ball player the sport

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had ever seen. Up to that point, holball was at

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the time merely a local peculiarity of the rural county

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of Perry in southeastern Missouri, but the spectacle of the

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game made headlines and sporting pages across the continent, and eventually,

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thanks to Laroche, the world. Every Saturday afternoon, while the

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cows grazed and their wives prepared supper, the men of

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Perry County would gather in a field the liquor flowed freely.

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A cloud of tobacco smoke shaded the pitch on which

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the contest would be played. An entirely fenced off area

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with sharpened sticks pointed inward from the fence so no

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player could escape. It was sixty yards long and thirty

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yards wide. At each end a hole wherein the points

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were scored. It was dug into the ground. They called

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them the wells. Inside the fence was every adult in

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Perry County who was considered legally insane, cripples, the infirm,

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women who were unmarried after thirty, infertile, or had suffered

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more than two miscarriages, run of the mill, lunatics, Mormons,

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sex criminals, and mongoloids. To begin, all of the county's

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maniacs were ushered into a circle in the middle of

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the pitch. Whips cracked at their backs and empty bottles

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shattered at their feet to herd them there. Once the

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humble huddle, as it was called, was formed. A man

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on horseback, dressed as the Devil, galloped onto the pitch

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holding two lit torches. He threw them into the middle

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of the crowd of would be competitors, who then fled

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in terror to either end of the arena, and thus

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the teams were selected for that week. Once both ends

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of the pitch were filled with cowering simpletons and undesirables,

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three men would walk to either side with buckets of paint,

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one side blue, one side red. They'd splatter the players

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with their respective colors so they could tell who was

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on which team. Next, the ball with which they played

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was tossed onto the pitch. They called it the crapple.

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It was a leathered pigs bladder filled with fresh horseshit

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and sewn shut just before the match began. Once the

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crapple was tossed in, a stray rabid dog was shot

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to indicate the contest had begun. The sport was brutal.

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In one match, a double amputee and veteran of the

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Civil War drowned in a puddle after being trampled by

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a contingent of mentally disabled players who'd become frightened by

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a bee. The first thirty minutes of a match typically

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saw the women on both sides temporarily ally themselves with

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one another in order to incapacitate the criminally insane men

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they'd been forced onto the field with. On one ocade.

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Famed holball enforcer Mean Molly Sampson gouged out the eyes

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of a local serial rapist known as the Perry County

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Poker as three accused witches awaiting trial held him down.

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The poker, who believed God had ordained him to impregnate

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every woman in the state with a boy until he

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had enough sons to build him a tower so that

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he could climb to the moon and build a church

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on it, bled to death right there from his face.

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The scene of the poker's death was so violent that

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a pregnant woman who disguised herself as a retund man

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in order to watch the match, suffered a panic attack, miscarried,

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and after local authorities confirmed that this had been her

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third miscarriage, was forced immediately onto the field. The woman

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was quickly knocked unconscious by Mean Molly, who was on

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the opposing side. It wasn't until the criminals had been incapacitated,

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castrated with nails pulled from the heels of women's boots,

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or outright killed that the scoring in hole ball truly began.

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Five circles were awarded for every go of the crapple

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that made it into the well if the crapple was

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thrown into the well with the physically disabled player from

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the opposing side holding it, five circles plus a circle

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for however many lame appendages the cripple possessed were awarded.

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On one occasion, a heated debate broke out between betters

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in the grandstands should an extra circle have been awarded

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when a dull boy named Roscoe fell into the well

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holding the crapple. Red team betters believed that the Red

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side should be awarded an extra circle because Roscoe's head

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should be counted as a lame appendage. Betters with money

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on Team Blue argued that they'd demand and did no

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such concession. When Sarah Humphrey, a local woman with an

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over sensitive clatorus, was thrown into the Blue well holding

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the crapple five hours earlier in the match, things became

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so heated between the Red and Blue betters that a

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stray dog had to be shot so that play could

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be stopped and umpires could determine the ruling. Ultimately, it

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was decided by the officiating crew that the simple boy's

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head was by all reasonable scientific measures blame, though in

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the spirit of the game, the head could not be

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honestly defined as an appendage. Sarah Humphreys overactive clatoris. The

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umpire's ruled was not lame, but rather awesome. Another stray

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dog was shot and play resumed. In the crowd. At

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Hohle ball matches, the gambling was rampant. In fact, it

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quickly became the entire point of the sport. When a

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betting side since defeat, they often turned on their own team,

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sometimes throwing bottles, sometimes leaving the bleachers and going back

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to the town to burn down the sanitariums, jails, hospitals

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and orphanages their losing sides players had come from. Enter

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Skippy Laroche. The day Laroche became infamous, there was quite

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literally an atmosphere of irritation. It was an unusually hot

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Saturday in July. Flies buzzed amongst the whole ball crowd

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through the smoke, whiskey breath and muggy Missouri air. The

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red roster that afternoon was filled with Perry County's most

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intimidating whole ball stars. Mean Molly Horse brain Zeke, a

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burly teenager who'd been kicked in the head by a

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horse and was now used to pull wagons and carts

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in town after he became simple from the head trauma,

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and everyone assumed the horse had transferred its soul into him.

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Also on the Red team was Clara Frederickson, who was

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just a real bitch. Laroche, who'd already been nearing blackout

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drunkenness before the start of the match when bets were

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being placed, liked the Blue team's long odds, liked the juice.

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He told a friend. The bet turned out to be

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a mistake. Early in the first half, the Blues were

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already down twenty circles and their most promising player, Crazy

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Fred Henderson, a syphilitic prone to violent manias, had gone

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into seizure, choked on his own tongue, and died. He

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was fed to the rabid clock stoppage dogs in their

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pen adjacent to the arena, as was the rule of

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the sport. Laroche took a long swig of whiskey, threw

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his hat down in the dirt, stomped it, and marched

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straight to the fence separating spectator from sport. Hell I'll

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do it myself, Laroche barked. He leapt the fence and

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ran right to the crapple mean Molly saw him and

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strode straight toward Laroche. This was far from the first

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time someone in the crowd had attempted to come on

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to the pitch, though typically it was because they wanted

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to beat a simpleton or pregnant unmarried teen with their

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belt for poor play, not to participate in the sport itself.

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Mean Molly was overheard shouting as she pushed up her

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sleeves and marched at Skippy, not today, sir, not today.

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After Laroche was done with her, witnesses said the dust

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from what was left of her teeth scattered into the wind.

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Laroche snatched the crapple up and proceeded to score circle

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after circle until the Blue side took the lead for

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the first time in the match. Play would have been

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stopped at this point, but because the rabid clock stoppage

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dogs were frenzied and feasting on Crazy Fred Henderson's body,

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one could not be immediately wrangled to be shot in

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order to officially stop play. In an attempt to subdue

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one of the rabid dogs, referee George McHenry was bitten

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himself and forced to immediately enter the whole ball arena

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as a newfound hydrophobic. He did not survive the match. Laroche, meanwhile,

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continued to score circles at will, that is until mean

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Mal regained consciousness and began directing her team against Laroche.

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But Laroche was prepared. Mean Molly's first wave was the

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Red Side's cripples, all of whom Laroche deceptively gathered into

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a group, handed the crapple too, and then pushed into

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the well. It was the largest amount of circles ever

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recorded on a single hole ball, score five for the

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crapple plus and astonishing eleven circles for the eleven lame appendages.

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Three run of the mill, lame legs, a drifter who'd

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lost a leg in an arm to frostbite, a woman

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who lost her hands in a textile factory accident, and

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one quadriplegic invalid who was being carried by leather straps

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on the back of the handless woman so as to

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avoid drowning in the muddy pitch he did anyway. Finally,

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after the stoppage, dogs had finished ravaging the syphilitics corpse

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and one could be wrangled and shot, play was stopped.

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Outraged Red Side betters demanded the contests be ended and

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the Blue Side Beach disqualified. Laroche was neither a cripple,

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a lunatic, a Mormon, nor a woman unable to bring

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a child to term. The umpires at first agreed Laroche

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was an average competent Christian man unfit to grapple with

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the dregs of Perry County. As punishment for his encroachment,

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Laroche was, by the rules of the sport, set to

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be forced to eat tree bark until he shat splinters.

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Seventeen of the previous twenty encroachers ended up dying from

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either post bark consumption infections or internal bleeding from splinters

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stuck in their colon. Another suffered rectal incontinence and was

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thus forced to become a hole ball player himself, because,

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according to local authorities, his butt was retarded. Now Laroche, though,

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had luck and Perry County's best lawyer on his side.

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Hugo stanton As, was the most notable litigator in southeastern

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Missouri at the time. Most recently, he'd successfully tried a

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civil suit against famed hole ball player horse brain Zeke's

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family for negligence on behalf of the farmer whose horse

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had kicked Zeke in the head. As everyone in the

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town believed the kick had sent the soul of the

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poor farmer's horse into Zeke, and as Stanton argued, a

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horse without a soul could not do a Christian man's work.

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Because Zeke's parents, Stanton offered, had not properly looked after

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their teenaged minor child, they were liable for the damage

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he'd done to the farmer's horse, Zeke's family was left destitute.

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Aside from being the region's most gifted litigator, Hugo Stanton

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was also a degenerate gambler. He too had bet on

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blue that day. Stanton hurried out to the pitch as

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Laroche was being lashed to a Saint Andrew's cross and

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awaiting his bowl of dogwood bark stop Stanton, this man

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belongs on this pitch, the officials berated. The lawyer called

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him a charlatan, accused him of chicanery. How could Laroche

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possibly be considered a moongoloyd or woman of ill breeding stock. Stanton, however,

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claimed that Laroche had become so intoxicated he could be

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considered legally temporarily insane. Stanton was referencing a case he

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himself successfully argued before the Perry County courts on behalf

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of Albert Milligan, the son of former Confederate colonel and

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local wealthy landowner Ezra Milligan. Albert had been charged with

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00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,920
the murder of Jow Carvalla, a Portuguese traveler, whom he'd

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beaten to death in a confused and drunken rage. Upon

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00:18:47,279 --> 00:18:52,240
hearing the man speak Portuguese, the younger Milligan, who was

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00:18:52,319 --> 00:18:54,799
fluent in Spanish thanks to a year spent as an

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00:18:54,839 --> 00:18:58,680
intelligence officer in the United States Army torturing Spanish navy

244
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prisoners during the Spanish American War, assumed that Carvallo was

245
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:08,559
purposely speaking Spanish Gibberish in order to disorient and insult him.

246
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In the courtroom, Stanton simply instructed his client, the younger Milligan,

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to drink three pints of whiskey. Then he instructed the

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judge to say, hugidi boogade. Milligan immediately produced a knife

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and leapt at the judge in a rage. While Milligan

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was at first arrested and held in contempt of court

251
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for his attempt on the judge's life, the judge ultimately

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did rule that Milligan had obviously become insane after his

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egregious consumption. After the ruling was official, Stanton then argued

254
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that it was unlawful to even imprison Milligan for the

255
00:19:44,839 --> 00:19:48,039
attempt on the judge's life based on the precedent just

256
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:55,319
set by the insanity ruling. Milligan was immediately freed, and

257
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so Laroche was allowed to compete. From then on. Every week, Laroche,

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00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,119
who was the only man in the county willing to

259
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drink what was required to become legally insane, competed in

260
00:20:23,759 --> 00:20:32,279
hole ball, and a legend was born. At the time,

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00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,240
no team sport had quite completely captured the nation's attention.

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00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,559
While college football was still merely an interest of the

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00:20:39,599 --> 00:20:43,160
Ivy League and the upper class, and baseball grew in cities.

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00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,920
Whole ball's mystique was spread through newspaper reports of its

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00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,200
crushing brutality, and no player's brutal exploits were more followed

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00:20:51,279 --> 00:21:15,079
than those of Skippy Laroche. The papers bestowed upon Laroche

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00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,680
titles such as the Titan of Perry County, the Cripple Crippler,

268
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:24,480
the simple Reaper. From the moment Laroche was allowed to

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00:21:24,519 --> 00:21:27,960
step onto the pitch after he'd drunken the required boot

270
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,160
of whiskey. He became the most dominant player in that

271
00:21:31,559 --> 00:21:36,200
or any sport in North America. Every week he would

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00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,240
score more circles than the entire other team combined. Every

273
00:21:40,279 --> 00:21:43,160
week he would leave in his wake the tears, blood,

274
00:21:43,279 --> 00:21:47,319
and broken bones of his opponents, the latter of which

275
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,119
Laroche wants. Remarked after a match, you can't break what

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00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,920
wasn't living. Them boys' legs were as dead as logs.

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00:21:55,279 --> 00:21:58,000
I'll fell no green tree that ain't mine to fell.

278
00:21:58,279 --> 00:22:00,640
But I'm the biggest buck in this town. And if

279
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,680
you bring me firewood to chop, then by God, I'll

280
00:22:03,759 --> 00:22:07,799
chop it up. It was quotes like those, and feats

281
00:22:07,839 --> 00:22:10,759
like Laroche's fashioning of a war chariot out of two

282
00:22:10,759 --> 00:22:14,480
wheelchairs he claimed from opposing cripples pulled by horse brain

283
00:22:14,599 --> 00:22:17,720
zeke that put Hohleball on the front page of sports

284
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:22,720
sections and newspapers across the nation. From the Rockefellers in

285
00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:26,119
New York City to dirt covered gold miners in Alaska,

286
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:32,160
Americans marveled at Laroche's exploits. One emissary from the newly

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00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:36,519
formed German Empire, traveling by train across the United States,

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00:22:36,559 --> 00:22:39,640
insisted on taking a detour south from Saint Louis to

289
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:44,039
see Larotian person. Upon watching Holball's Greatest Star fight off

290
00:22:44,079 --> 00:22:46,799
a woman who gave birth to a boy with cerebral palsy,

291
00:22:47,319 --> 00:22:50,640
using the boy who had cerebral palsy as his melee weapon,

292
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:54,839
the emissary wrote to Kaiser Wilhelm the second, never fight

293
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,559
this nation if they try to come over here at all.

294
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:01,880
Just sink their boats before they can any of their boats,

295
00:23:02,279 --> 00:23:05,799
no matter who is on them. That should work out fine.

296
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,359
When asked if he feared another assassination attempt after being

297
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:14,480
shot in nineteen twelve, former president and then presidential candidate

298
00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:18,519
Theodore Roosevelt remarked, no, but I pray not a soul

299
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,119
informs old Skip Laroche that I am now hobbled. I've

300
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,160
no doubt he'd stick two fingers in my newly bored

301
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,400
hole and toss me like a simple boy. With his

302
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,759
new found fortune and his outsized influence. As not just

303
00:23:32,799 --> 00:23:36,920
a local celebrity but a nationally known name, Laroche quickly

304
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:47,400
became a political juggernaut in Perry County. Any judj or mayer,

305
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,559
or share or councilman backed by Laroche with both his

306
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,599
endorsement and his considerable funds, was sure to win their seat.

307
00:23:55,519 --> 00:23:57,480
It was said that all Laroche had to do was

308
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,400
pat his hand on the shoulder of his preferred cared it,

309
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,920
and God himself would anoint the man to office, sure

310
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:11,519
as God had anointed Skip to bludgeon his mistakes. An

311
00:24:11,559 --> 00:24:15,240
era ends not because its expiration has a set date,

312
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:19,720
but because a new one is ushered. In the era

313
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,039
of Skippy Laroche, as the most dominant athlete in holball

314
00:24:23,279 --> 00:24:28,039
and arguably American athletics at that time, ended, It turned

315
00:24:28,079 --> 00:24:32,960
out because Laroche himself unwittingly ushered in that new era.

316
00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:46,559
Laroche the man was many things. An alcoholic, a gambling addict,

317
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:53,079
a Christian, a pervert, vengeful handsome, a felon, and the

318
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:55,640
record holder for most kills by a man who was

319
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,400
technically a police officer, but only because he was deputized

320
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:04,240
by his local police department as a publicity stunt. Twenty

321
00:25:04,319 --> 00:25:11,119
seven was his total. Laroche was also an unapologetic racist.

322
00:25:12,079 --> 00:25:15,000
He once said of the African race, I'd like them

323
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,000
all on fire if it was prudent. However, I am

324
00:25:18,039 --> 00:25:21,400
afraid that one may escape, and having showed them fire,

325
00:25:21,559 --> 00:25:25,119
I would become their prometheus and would give them a

326
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,480
power us gentle whites would not be able to overcome.

327
00:25:29,279 --> 00:25:32,279
Laroche was so racist he did not believe that black

328
00:25:32,319 --> 00:25:37,519
people had yet harnessed the power of fire they had.

329
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:42,559
Laroche's racism reached into his political beliefs as well. In

330
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,039
early nineteen fifteen, he demanded all politicians, judges, and sheriffs

331
00:25:47,039 --> 00:25:49,839
who'd be elected by his endorsement and with his funding,

332
00:25:50,279 --> 00:25:54,680
become proactive about the quote black problem. In Perry County.

333
00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:00,160
The African American population had risen to an astounding, at

334
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:06,839
least in the eyes of Laroche, six percent. Laroche convinced

335
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,079
this meant an entirely black government was imminent, and a

336
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,119
world in which white daughters were auctioned at blues clubs

337
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,039
to whomever could pay the most liquor or stolen pistols

338
00:26:16,079 --> 00:26:19,880
to gain them moved quickly to like many counties and

339
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,960
states throughout the South and Midwest during the Jim Crow era,

340
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:28,759
stripped black citizens of their right to vote. In Perry County,

341
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,880
Laroche's idea was as insidious as it was effective. His

342
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,640
politicians codified into law that every black person in the

343
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,359
county was to be considered legally insane and thus ineligible

344
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:46,279
to vote. What Laroche had not accounted for, though, is

345
00:26:46,319 --> 00:26:51,799
that they were now eligible to play holeball. Two days later,

346
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,119
Laroche was killed fourteen minutes into the first hole ball

347
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,880
match featuring black athletes. His side lost one hundred and

348
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:12,640
eighty nine to zero. As was tradition, his corpse was

349
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,240
tossed into the pen of rabid time out dogs and

350
00:27:15,279 --> 00:27:19,759
consumed by the mongrels. However, out of respect for his

351
00:27:19,839 --> 00:27:22,680
contributions to the game and the county, the dogs were

352
00:27:22,759 --> 00:27:25,920
kept alive until it was believed they had sufficiently crapped

353
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:30,640
out Laroche's remains. The piles of dogshit that contained Laroche's

354
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,720
consumed corpse were shoveled onto a funeral hearse and paraded

355
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:39,319
from Perry County to the Mississippi River. Throngs of people

356
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:45,559
showed up in towns like Menfro Crosstown, Shawls, Brazua, Altenburg,

357
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:51,680
Apple Creek, Longtown, and Wittenberg. Once at the Mighty River,

358
00:27:52,079 --> 00:27:55,200
the dog shit was dumped onto a raft, lit a fire,

359
00:27:55,599 --> 00:28:01,119
and sent off into the water. After eight more weeks

360
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,039
of the black citizens of Perry County winning every whole

361
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:08,160
ball match they played in the sport was abandoned forever.

362
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:14,599
Today Skippy Laroche is merely an odd footnote in the

363
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:19,200
history of this southeastern Missouri county, but for a moment

364
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,480
in time he was an athlete who captivated not only

365
00:28:22,559 --> 00:28:26,440
the nation, but indeed sports fans from around the world.

366
00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 3: The Dorry of Allen Slagermann brought the first class the

367
00:28:51,119 --> 00:28:55,640
Majesty's twenty fourth Regiment of Allz January twenty third, Ian

368
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:56,279
Andre and.

369
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,960
Speaker 4: Dear Dorry is made.

370
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 3: Oh Ellen slagerman Sure I haven't been written much lightly.

371
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,440
I become a literate for a spare on account of

372
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:07,920
a nasty bat of syphilis.

373
00:29:08,039 --> 00:29:10,000
Speaker 4: Doctor said it rotten through part my brain.

374
00:29:10,079 --> 00:29:12,319
Speaker 3: Though funny enough, it wouldn't apart my brain where I

375
00:29:12,319 --> 00:29:14,119
sought out my letters and my word reading.

376
00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:16,519
Speaker 4: Lucky for me, it was only the part of my

377
00:29:16,599 --> 00:29:17,480
brain that remembers.

378
00:29:17,519 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 3: It's unsanitary and sacrilegious to eat kadavam, which the doctor

379
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,559
who saw me concluded on a catter he worked in

380
00:29:23,599 --> 00:29:25,599
a Morgan. He'd come down there and find me eatin

381
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,680
kadava me. Oh, I trd to play a lot the

382
00:29:28,759 --> 00:29:30,960
brooke it died, and I still load em a suck

383
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,440
I thought, did have his captain standers sholf I down

384
00:29:33,519 --> 00:29:35,839
my throat, old rabbits and all. But it was a

385
00:29:35,839 --> 00:29:37,960
bit obvious what I'd actually been doing, as the bloke's

386
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:39,920
tip looked like a chewed up grape by the time

387
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,960
I was discovered. Doctor told me he believed that the

388
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,960
gases from the part of my brain that was rotten

389
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:48,039
away inside me in closed skull were trapped in there,

390
00:29:48,039 --> 00:29:50,000
putting pressure in all the other parts of my brain

391
00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:52,880
there work't being eating away, thus making them not quite

392
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:56,400
up to their tasks, which also, in his opinion, included

393
00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:58,079
the parts of my brain that was in charge of

394
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:00,519
knowing not to crap in my boots and then put

395
00:30:00,559 --> 00:30:02,480
my boots on and walk all around in the crap.

396
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,599
As he did not correctly lend me boots at that time.

397
00:30:05,799 --> 00:30:08,559
We're full of steaming fresh crap that was oozing out

398
00:30:08,559 --> 00:30:11,400
the tops. After I was asked to leave the morgue

399
00:30:11,519 --> 00:30:14,359
quite rudely, though understandably, as I'd gotten back to chewing

400
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:17,960
on the dead gentleman's truncheon. As the doctor explained his hypothesis,

401
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,440
I thought I'd never be the same, as luck would

402
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,640
have it, though the very next living gentleman I entertained,

403
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:28,200
stabbed me rotten head, just as I'd begun to suckle

404
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,640
on his whirligigs as he requested, which I now understand

405
00:30:31,759 --> 00:30:33,720
was lotle a rouse in order to gain him a

406
00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:35,640
good angle for which he could stab me in the

407
00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:36,200
head from.

408
00:30:36,799 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 4: But like most men, who and to.

409
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 3: Me whether it's in all I got or all he

410
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:44,240
decided to mic, he didn't stick around to see how

411
00:30:44,279 --> 00:30:45,079
I fell after.

412
00:30:46,119 --> 00:30:48,759
Speaker 4: Did he put an us pick into my brain? Yes?

413
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,480
Speaker 3: Fortunately, However, for all wellen he hit the rotten part

414
00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:54,759
of my brain, they already didn't work no more, and

415
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:57,960
I hooley made him mischool released all the gases from

416
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:01,440
me decomposed brain paths, and thus I can read again,

417
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,839
and have since mostly ceased crapping in my boots, sip

418
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,880
when it's necessary. But my dear Diary, I am sad

419
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:12,160
to write that besides that, me life and me luck

420
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:15,680
lately has not been so charmed. One would fing a

421
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:19,200
girl like me seventeen and in the prime of a life,

422
00:31:19,359 --> 00:31:23,160
would only have cheery news and rosy cheeks. But as

423
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,880
it turns out, the world can also sometimes be a

424
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:30,000
cruel place. I learnt recently that the sweet little orphan

425
00:31:30,079 --> 00:31:33,440
boy Matthew, who worked me brothel, moppin' up secretions and

426
00:31:33,519 --> 00:31:36,880
miscarriages and the like, no more than twelve years old,

427
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,559
who used to bring me oranges in the mornin' and

428
00:31:39,759 --> 00:31:42,160
harde in me closet, and yank on himself when I

429
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:45,039
would undress and come running in with a hot iron

430
00:31:45,079 --> 00:31:48,319
a corrasmas stab wounds after a gentleman would go about

431
00:31:48,319 --> 00:31:53,680
trying to murmi, well I learn Matthew died. The boy

432
00:31:53,839 --> 00:31:56,720
was runned over by a carriage, a carriage of some

433
00:31:56,920 --> 00:32:00,519
fancy nobleman who was in a grand old urry another

434
00:32:00,559 --> 00:32:03,000
one of the oars in me brothel. Maggie said his

435
00:32:03,079 --> 00:32:05,720
brain shut out his mouth when the nerves and wheels

436
00:32:05,759 --> 00:32:09,880
grossed his skull, and of course the fancy nobleman popped

437
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,920
his proper head out the carriage made a big to

438
00:32:13,039 --> 00:32:15,720
do about how it was in his fault. Matthew'd been

439
00:32:15,799 --> 00:32:18,519
crushed so violently under off and wheel.

440
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 4: That his inn had shot out his hiinus like ribbons.

441
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:24,799
Speaker 3: On account of the boy was obviously dim and ran

442
00:32:24,839 --> 00:32:27,319
out trying to pet their horses on a counter. He

443
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,519
thought they were dogs, and also he wasn't paying good

444
00:32:30,519 --> 00:32:33,680
attention because he was yankin on himself, and it was

445
00:32:33,759 --> 00:32:36,640
on that account that he got himself run over, not

446
00:32:36,799 --> 00:32:41,119
because the Lord's carriage was going too fast already, I

447
00:32:41,119 --> 00:32:43,440
imagine is quite accurate, as the boy did seem to

448
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:46,920
yank on himself in perpetuity, and often confuse horses for

449
00:32:47,039 --> 00:32:49,799
dogs and dogs for horses. As it would so happen,

450
00:32:50,319 --> 00:32:53,240
he did actually break the spines of and permanently paralyzed

451
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,119
several corgies in an attempt to ride them, replete with

452
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:59,319
a saddllited fashion from all miscarriage, clean up rags and

453
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,119
discarded chicken skins.

454
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,240
Speaker 4: That he thought was leather.

455
00:33:03,119 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 3: Well, in order to avoid a big old foss, the

456
00:33:06,319 --> 00:33:09,920
Lord flipped Maggie a few shillings and wear on his way. So,

457
00:33:10,119 --> 00:33:13,359
after hearing all this, or says to Maggie, where where

458
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,359
is the And she says to me, where's what the

459
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,279
boys remains? And I said, no, no, the boys remained.

460
00:33:19,559 --> 00:33:21,880
What am I gonna do with a bucket full of muffew?

461
00:33:22,119 --> 00:33:23,079
Where's the shillings?

462
00:33:23,079 --> 00:33:23,400
Speaker 2: You right?

463
00:33:23,519 --> 00:33:25,599
Speaker 4: Cut where? She says?

464
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 3: The Lord gave him the may Well, I'd have none

465
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,839
of that, I told her straight away. I'll let that

466
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:32,920
boy tug off to me.

467
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 4: From insidey closet free of charge for years.

468
00:33:35,799 --> 00:33:38,119
Speaker 3: I think, aren't the man nothing less than a sixpence

469
00:33:38,119 --> 00:33:42,920
four from any proper customer? M Oud to that Maggie, sirs,

470
00:33:43,079 --> 00:33:46,440
he wasn't tugging after you. That simple boy pulled on

471
00:33:46,559 --> 00:33:48,200
himself every hour of the day.

472
00:33:48,519 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 4: He pulled on himself when he.

473
00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 3: Was staring at the photograph of Queen Victoria hanging in

474
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:56,039
the lounge, should I mail her, majesty are cut? And

475
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:59,160
it wasn't harden in your closet to see your dragging others.

476
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:02,240
He thought he lived in there on that's where his

477
00:34:02,359 --> 00:34:05,359
mother gave birth to him, so her next gentleman cry

478
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:06,920
who was banging on the.

479
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 4: Door or making a hold fuss.

480
00:34:08,679 --> 00:34:11,599
Speaker 3: About how he was about to burst, wouldn't notice that

481
00:34:11,679 --> 00:34:14,239
she'd just given birth. And then she left him in

482
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,079
there to go start a new life in Canada, but

483
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:21,280
died a consumption and decapitation twenty minutes into the voyage

484
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,159
called rest as soul. Then her mother rat found him

485
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,800
and nursed him until he was two when we earn

486
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,239
him living inside the walls and put him to work freeloaded.

487
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:30,840
Speaker 4: That he was.

488
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 3: You never wondered why he chio threw parts and killed

489
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,280
scores of cats, or why he only spoken clicks. And

490
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:42,039
this is well, this was typical Maggie, always making up

491
00:34:42,119 --> 00:34:45,000
reasons to get out of things, saying she can't see

492
00:34:45,039 --> 00:34:47,639
a gentleman because he wants to put his benches up

493
00:34:47,639 --> 00:34:50,119
a bump and go then wear them about town and

494
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:51,400
kiss his wife.

495
00:34:51,119 --> 00:34:51,639
Speaker 2: And the like.

496
00:34:52,039 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 3: But she can't do it because that's where she adds

497
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:57,360
a derringer. So can I do it for her? That

498
00:34:57,559 --> 00:34:59,280
sort of thing in the lark? And then I still

499
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,559
gotta split there shillings with her. But the laugh will

500
00:35:02,599 --> 00:35:06,280
be on Maggie eventually, because I've been mixing mercury into

501
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,639
her back and a while oil, which is of course

502
00:35:08,679 --> 00:35:13,119
the lubricant all us ares used for sexual encounters. Whales oil,

503
00:35:13,679 --> 00:35:17,360
the oil from a whales blubber. She'll be madder than

504
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:20,239
a hour and the time it takes to say that's right, Constable,

505
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,440
she's the one that's been sitting on the curb with

506
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,320
their legs in the air, making the postman jam letters

507
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,159
into herminge because she thinks she's a mailbox too, Dear

508
00:35:28,199 --> 00:35:29,119
asylum with her.

509
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:32,719
Speaker 4: That's not even the worst of me troubles, though, diary.

510
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 3: I am quite lonely as well, This life of fleeting

511
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:42,400
pleasure gin and a different gentleman every night, every day,

512
00:35:42,559 --> 00:35:46,039
fixing a supper, a cartilage and wrecked them pie for one.

513
00:35:46,559 --> 00:35:50,519
When does it end? When will be all Ellen Slagerman's time?

514
00:35:51,199 --> 00:35:55,000
I thout ask for much? I'm alone, a few little

515
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:58,719
ones running around. A nice man whose dyes are slitting

516
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:01,119
the throats and cutting out the organs of women is

517
00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:05,639
behind them. And know what art give that man? Oh

518
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:10,119
my love, O me care, oh me oles, even the

519
00:36:10,159 --> 00:36:13,840
one I don't let no gentlemen customers into now, that

520
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:17,000
being the all in me foot from the accident or suffered.

521
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:17,519
Speaker 4: Whilst for lightning.

522
00:36:17,599 --> 00:36:20,199
Speaker 3: Impatient Rivet had down at the shipyard, who said he'd

523
00:36:20,239 --> 00:36:23,159
have to keep working while I worked, because otherwise they'd

524
00:36:23,199 --> 00:36:25,880
replace him with an irishman they didn't legally have to

525
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:29,400
pay until he didn't test positive for potato in the blood,

526
00:36:29,679 --> 00:36:31,800
of which red hair is a sign that you've been

527
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:35,840
consuming potato. Needless to say, that bloke could be working

528
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,440
for the rest of his life, or three weeks of it. Anyway,

529
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:42,039
The river had lost control of his senses, as Art

530
00:36:42,079 --> 00:36:43,559
gave him the ole Ellen Special.

531
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:45,760
Speaker 4: The trick is, once you.

532
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,840
Speaker 3: Feel em getting close, you're on the nursery rhyme when

533
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:50,360
little Fred went to bed.

534
00:36:50,599 --> 00:36:53,760
Speaker 4: You know, when little Fred went to bed, he always.

535
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,199
Speaker 3: Said his prayers, He kissed his Mamma, then Papa, and

536
00:36:56,199 --> 00:36:59,639
straight away way upstairs. That has him all buckling at

537
00:36:59,639 --> 00:37:02,239
the knee and shooting skates and two snaps of a

538
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:05,880
twistle brick. Anyway, thataman put a bolt through me foot

539
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,840
and it never healed right. So in the future of

540
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,599
my husband is allowed to fuck it. I do still

541
00:37:10,599 --> 00:37:14,000
have vope, though, Darry, as long as I'm seeing sunrises

542
00:37:14,199 --> 00:37:16,920
and none of me essential organs are floating in jars

543
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:20,199
in a mentally unwell riched man's billiards room, than I

544
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:24,480
have more to be grateful for than most. Sincerely, Ellen,