WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:11.919 Look up, we've come all the things on the bottom. 2 00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:16.559 Oh wow, is you You're my favorite views? 3 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:24.079 But that's nothing and we are back. 4 00:00:24.359 --> 00:00:26.800 Welcome back Creatures, bitches. 5 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:31.760 I've been waiting to do that since yesterday. Yeah, gotta 6 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:34.479 gotta get creature shirts made for the people who are 7 00:00:34.840 --> 00:00:39.359 fans of the show. We are doing Friday content today 8 00:00:39.560 --> 00:00:41.679 for the last I don't know, two weeks. Every time 9 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:43.719 we've sat down to record, I've been like, I need 10 00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:46.200 to get that document together for the going no contact, 11 00:00:46.679 --> 00:00:48.759 need to get that document together. Even set in alarm 12 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:50.240 while we were live the other day, but we were 13 00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:52.320 live for so long. The alarm went off while we 14 00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:54.920 were live, and I still didn't fucking send that document 15 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:58.520 to our website guy. So this morning, while we were 16 00:00:58.520 --> 00:00:59.920 trying to figure out what we're doing, because we have 17 00:00:59.960 --> 00:01:02.079 to we have to go live for TikTok at ten, 18 00:01:02.320 --> 00:01:04.840 which is eight am now, and then we have to 19 00:01:04.840 --> 00:01:06.879 go live for YouTube at eleven or ten thirty eleven. 20 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:09.439 However we decide to do that. So we're trying to 21 00:01:09.480 --> 00:01:11.879 work through our day to make our day work as 22 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:14.920 functional as possible. Normally, Friday content would be in the evening, 23 00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:18.480 but we're behind on Friday Content and we're ahead on podcasts. 24 00:01:18.560 --> 00:01:22.519 So what do you think about this episode? What do 25 00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:24.719 I think about about the whole going no contact thing? 26 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:29.319 I think that going no contact is the last resort. Yeah, 27 00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:35.840 that is the Going no contact is hard. There's different 28 00:01:35.959 --> 00:01:38.560 levels of that hard. Right, cutting off a friend who's 29 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:41.760 been abusive to you would be a little bit easier 30 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:45.159 than cutting off your mother, right, And cutting off your 31 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:47.120 mother might be a little bit easier than leaving your 32 00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:50.159 spouse that you've been with for ten years. There is 33 00:01:50.239 --> 00:01:53.519 a level of of grieving that has to happen, and 34 00:01:53.560 --> 00:01:55.879 there has to be a level of once you make 35 00:01:55.920 --> 00:01:58.040 this decision. You either need to stand firm in this 36 00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:01.239 decision because you've talked a whole lot up until this point, 37 00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:03.920 and if you allow this person back into your life 38 00:02:03.920 --> 00:02:06.200 with an apology, that you have no other ground to 39 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:09.080 stand on. There are no other consequences that can take 40 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:12.240 place for them to recognize that they're mistreating you. It's 41 00:02:12.280 --> 00:02:14.919 a really big decision and it's a lot to uphold. 42 00:02:14.960 --> 00:02:16.479 If that's what you decide to do. It's hard. 43 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:20.080 So maybe this is me being cynical, okay, right, And 44 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:24.960 it could be maybe I'm just jaded. I think that it's. 45 00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:28.039 Becoming more common to run from your problems than it 46 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.719 is to face them, and people are finding themselves in 47 00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:35.439 mildly uncomfortable situations. And because people have become so fucking weak, 48 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.080 it's easier to go no contact than it is to 49 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:40.240 have a conversation with the people that you think is 50 00:02:40.280 --> 00:02:40.919 abusing you. 51 00:02:41.319 --> 00:02:42.439 I agree with that, right. 52 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:45.319 Somebody having a difference in political opinion is not abuse. 53 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:45.719 Right. 54 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:49.680 Somebody holding you accountable for your fucking toxic behavior is 55 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:50.280 not abuse. 56 00:02:50.599 --> 00:02:50.800 Right. 57 00:02:50.919 --> 00:02:54.120 Somebody telling you that you know what you're doing is 58 00:02:54.199 --> 00:02:56.520 unbecoming of you, and that they believe in you and 59 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:58.520 they believe that you can do better is not abuse. 60 00:02:58.840 --> 00:02:59.000 Right. 61 00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:02.639 There's a whole lot of of a rock snake sheds 62 00:03:02.680 --> 00:03:04.439 its skin between a rock and a hard place, right, Like, 63 00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:07.439 there's a whole lot of accountability and growth that comes 64 00:03:07.479 --> 00:03:09.960 from having people that you love and that love you 65 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:13.120 give you criticism. 66 00:03:12.120 --> 00:03:14.120 Not malicious criticism. 67 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:16.240 Right, Well, criticism without love is cruelty. Right. 68 00:03:16.280 --> 00:03:18.039 So if somebody's like, hey, what you're doing is kind 69 00:03:18.039 --> 00:03:19.639 of fucked up, and it's coming from a place of love, 70 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:22.120 it's because they want to see you do better. I 71 00:03:22.199 --> 00:03:25.439 think that if somebody loves you and they don't tell 72 00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:27.439 you the things that you're doing wrong, they don't love you. 73 00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:28.520 I agree with that. 74 00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:30.759 There's a whole lot of you need to hold the 75 00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:33.599 people that you love to a standard because you love them. 76 00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:36.680 I can ignore a whole lot of shit from people 77 00:03:36.680 --> 00:03:38.560 that I don't care about, right, I can let a 78 00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:40.439 lot of shit slide from people I don't care about, 79 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:41.759 But when it comes to the people that I love 80 00:03:41.800 --> 00:03:43.680 and the people I care about, like, I expect more 81 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:46.080 from the people in my life. And this isn't a 82 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:48.000 matter of if you're going to be in my life, 83 00:03:48.039 --> 00:03:50.039 you have to meet these standards. It's a matter of 84 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:52.439 I love you and I know you're capable of more. 85 00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:54.039 Therefore you need to meet these standards. 86 00:03:54.120 --> 00:03:57.360 Yeah, it all makes sense. Yeah, it all makes. 87 00:03:57.199 --> 00:04:00.400 Sense, Jay, And the chat said amen to that. Part 88 00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:03.520 of my integration was to answer that phone call. How 89 00:04:03.560 --> 00:04:05.960 can I know I've changed, slash grown if I always 90 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:08.800 avoid the trigger doesn't mean my parents changed, but that 91 00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:11.639 I truly did. It's a phenomenal statement. 92 00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:12.000 Guys. 93 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:14.360 If you are unaware, we record all of our content 94 00:04:14.439 --> 00:04:16.360 live in front of our Patreon audience. If you were 95 00:04:16.360 --> 00:04:18.160 not a member of our Patreon. You were missing a 96 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:21.839 discord community of over a thousand people. That is unlike 97 00:04:21.879 --> 00:04:23.480 any community that I've ever been a part of, and 98 00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:27.160 I'm a part of a lot. There's a lot of accountability, 99 00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:28.959 a lot of growth, and a lot of support and 100 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:30.839 a lot of You need that, especially if you are 101 00:04:30.839 --> 00:04:34.480 contemplating cutting off your family members, yes, or friends or whatever. 102 00:04:34.639 --> 00:04:36.800 So do you want to just jump into it? I 103 00:04:36.839 --> 00:04:39.079 prepared a little thing to read and then we can 104 00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:41.279 go step by step. There's ten points, and then we 105 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:45.439 can send this document to our web guide to get 106 00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:48.079 it uploaded to the website. I may have to take 107 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:50.759 my glasses off to read on this thing, yep. I 108 00:04:50.839 --> 00:04:53.319 can read the comments on the TV way easier that way, though. 109 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:56.120 So while you're pulling that up, I want to add 110 00:04:56.120 --> 00:04:58.800 on to what we were just talking about. Sure, let's 111 00:04:58.839 --> 00:05:01.319 go so with everything that we said. My husband and 112 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:04.519 I have both cut people off in our lives, family members, 113 00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:08.560 past friends, exes, whatever the case may be. Can't say 114 00:05:08.600 --> 00:05:10.560 if it was the right or the wrong decision, but 115 00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:13.720 I know that I healed from it. I am a 116 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:17.120 better person because of it. And you know, we're here 117 00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:19.000 all the time. You'll regret if you cut your mother 118 00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:22.120 out of your life, or if you stop talking to 119 00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:25.600 your brother and he passes away, you're gonna regret it. Yes, 120 00:05:25.720 --> 00:05:28.279 you can say that, but I don't regret it right 121 00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:32.879 now in this moment, And that is what matters most 122 00:05:32.959 --> 00:05:35.600 to me. When I'm laying on my deathbed at eighty 123 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.600 ninety one hundred years old and I'm looking back on 124 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:40.560 my life, it's my fucking life. You guys don't have 125 00:05:40.600 --> 00:05:42.839 to worry about any of that because you're not gonna 126 00:05:42.839 --> 00:05:45.439 have to to tell God why I made my choices. 127 00:05:45.480 --> 00:05:48.879 You're not gonna have to repent for the sins of 128 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:52.439 the things that I've done. Stay in your lane, worry 129 00:05:52.439 --> 00:05:56.000 about you. If somebody is trying to guilt you into 130 00:05:56.040 --> 00:05:59.079 maintaining a friendship, I would real shit start like looking 131 00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:00.480 real hard at that person too. 132 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:01.720 Yeah for sure. 133 00:06:02.279 --> 00:06:04.079 Why why do you feel like you are in a 134 00:06:04.120 --> 00:06:07.279 position to tell me what's best for me? 135 00:06:07.720 --> 00:06:08.759 Yeah? 136 00:06:08.800 --> 00:06:10.920 On that whole God thing, Because that's something that people 137 00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:12.639 are gonna bring up. You're gonna have to answer to 138 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:15.920 God as to why you stop. You needn't honor your parents, parents, 139 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:16.959 didn't honor the child. 140 00:06:17.160 --> 00:06:17.480 Amen. 141 00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:19.519 Right, there's a whole lot of ebb and flow. In 142 00:06:19.560 --> 00:06:22.360 a relationship, there's an energy transference that's got to happen, 143 00:06:22.759 --> 00:06:24.959 and I can love them and not have them in 144 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:28.920 my life. There's a difference. I've removed every blood relative 145 00:06:28.959 --> 00:06:30.680 I have except for one, and even the one that 146 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:32.879 I have in my life, we don't speak very often. 147 00:06:32.920 --> 00:06:35.600 We don't have a relationship. There's nothing in common there. 148 00:06:35.639 --> 00:06:39.319 So like sharing DNA is a thing, but that doesn't 149 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:41.759 make the relationship a thing. Like if I didn't know 150 00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:44.199 him and didn't know that he was my cousin, and 151 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:46.279 he walked past me on the street, we don't look 152 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.560 anything alike. I would never know that we were related, 153 00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:52.040 So what where would there be a Well, you gotta 154 00:06:52.040 --> 00:06:53.879 share blood, you have to be cool with each other. 155 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:56.439 No the fuck. I don't like that relation blood. 156 00:06:56.079 --> 00:06:58.000 They have treated me better right well. 157 00:06:58.040 --> 00:06:59.959 And and what I mean in that situation is just 158 00:07:00.040 --> 00:07:02.319 because you share blood doesn't mean the relationship is going 159 00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:05.279 to be there. You're not gonna you know, there's people 160 00:07:05.319 --> 00:07:07.279 guarantee it, right, there's people out there that you are 161 00:07:07.319 --> 00:07:09.279 related to that could be third, fourth, fifth cousin that 162 00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:12.199 you would never know and you walking by them. It's 163 00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:14.199 not going to be like a stir bar on a magnet. 164 00:07:15.079 --> 00:07:16.879 You're not gonna know that it's your people. You're just 165 00:07:16.920 --> 00:07:19.519 gonna walk by and go about your life. The relationship matters, 166 00:07:20.560 --> 00:07:21.759 So are you ready for this? 167 00:07:21.800 --> 00:07:23.240 Anything else? Before I jump in? 168 00:07:24.839 --> 00:07:27.439 I had it, But you transition, so you go ahead, okay. 169 00:07:28.160 --> 00:07:30.600 Going to contact has become much more common in the 170 00:07:30.680 --> 00:07:34.839 last decade, especially as therapy, language, social media, psychology, and 171 00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:38.920 personal boundaries have entered mainstream culture. Some of that shift 172 00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:41.000 has been healthy, some of it has been used to 173 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:47.120 escape consequences shitty behavior, and has only excused your toxic behavior. Historically, 174 00:07:47.160 --> 00:07:52.759 family relationships were often treated as permanent obligations, regardless of behavior. Today, however, 175 00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:56.680 many people are asking a different question. Does this relationship 176 00:07:56.759 --> 00:08:00.160 contribute to my well being, my joy, or my over 177 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:04.600 all quality of life? Or does it consistently disrupt it? 178 00:08:05.360 --> 00:08:07.839 The question has led many adults to create distance from 179 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:11.720 their parents, sibling, former partners, and even lifelong friends. The 180 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:15.360 strongest reasons that people go no contact usually involve repeated 181 00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:18.800 patterns rather than isolated incidents. And pause for a second, 182 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:21.600 because it's very important to recognize that nobody wakes up 183 00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:24.319 one day and goes well, mom was disrespectful yesterday, fucked 184 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:27.120 that bitch. Never gonna speak to her again. This is 185 00:08:27.199 --> 00:08:31.480 a ongoing thing that has probably happened since childhood, and 186 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:33.679 somebody has finally gotten so sick of your shit that 187 00:08:33.720 --> 00:08:36.799 they're like, you know, I don't have to right right, 188 00:08:36.919 --> 00:08:40.000 the little bit of joy or help because some people 189 00:08:40.039 --> 00:08:42.919 are only in relationships with people to get fucking help 190 00:08:43.080 --> 00:08:45.480 that they provide to me is not worth the other 191 00:08:45.559 --> 00:08:47.840 eighty five to ninety percent of anguish. And like the 192 00:08:47.879 --> 00:08:49.639 math just doesn't add up here. 193 00:08:51.080 --> 00:08:54.320 By my girl, math, that's ay no dog, Yeah. 194 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:55.159 That's a no for me. Dog. 195 00:08:57.240 --> 00:08:59.879 So the strongest reasons that people go no contact usually 196 00:09:00.039 --> 00:09:05.639 involve repeated patterns rather than isolated incidents. Chronic emotional abuse, manipulation, control, 197 00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:12.159 addiction with no accountability, physical violence, repeated betrayal, constant boundary violations, 198 00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:17.840 situations where every interaction leaves the person feeling depleted, anxious, guilty, 199 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:22.159 or emotionally destabilized. In those cases, no contact often becomes 200 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:27.200 less about punishment and more about self preservation. I think 201 00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:32.200 that's the answer to going no contact. Self preservation. 202 00:09:32.720 --> 00:09:32.919 Yep. 203 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:36.080 So one of the biggest mistakes that people make is 204 00:09:36.120 --> 00:09:39.799 confusing discomfort with harm. A parent disagreeing with your lifestyle 205 00:09:39.879 --> 00:09:43.080 is not abuse. A spouse holding you accountable is not 206 00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:46.279 automatically toxic, and it certainly doesn't make them a fucking narcissist. 207 00:09:48.679 --> 00:09:52.559 A friend challenging your beliefs is not necessarily harmful. Relationships 208 00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:58.360 can bring friction, and growth requires that friction. The harder 209 00:09:58.440 --> 00:10:04.559 question is whether the relationship contains a pattern of disrespect, manipulation, coheresion, humiliation, 210 00:10:04.759 --> 00:10:09.039 gas lighting, or chronic emotional instability. That's where many people 211 00:10:09.080 --> 00:10:13.480 begin considering to go no contact. Parents and adult children 212 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:17.159 are where this conversation is especially complicated. Many parents grew 213 00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:23.919 up in generations where emotional intelligence was not taught right, 214 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:25.840 had to do a whole lot of learning to be 215 00:10:25.840 --> 00:10:27.480 able to be where I am right now, and I'm 216 00:10:27.480 --> 00:10:30.279 still not where I want to be. They may have 217 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:35.519 been controlled, or been taught how to be controlling, emotionally, unavailable, critical, 218 00:10:35.639 --> 00:10:38.519 or dismissive. Their adult children often reach a point where 219 00:10:38.559 --> 00:10:42.000 they recognize the damage that those patterns caused. Some work 220 00:10:42.080 --> 00:10:44.960 through it, some create boundaries, some eventually to choose to 221 00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:48.360 go no contact. At the same time, we are also 222 00:10:48.360 --> 00:10:50.600 seeing a modern trend where some people cut off family 223 00:10:50.600 --> 00:10:54.879 members quickly because they don't share values, political beliefs, parenting styles, 224 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:59.360 or life choices. That's where discernment becomes important. Disagreement is 225 00:10:59.399 --> 00:11:02.679 not abuse, and perfection is not toxicity. Being hurt by 226 00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:07.080 someone does not automatically mean that they are harmful. I'm 227 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:12.519 not mean, you're just weak, right, Or I'm not scary 228 00:11:12.799 --> 00:11:17.759 you're scared. There's a difference between these things. So here's 229 00:11:17.799 --> 00:11:21.399 a useful framework. Can the person here feedback, can they 230 00:11:21.399 --> 00:11:25.679 acknowledge their impact? And can they respect boundaries? Ultimately, do 231 00:11:25.720 --> 00:11:28.000 you believe that over time they can change their behaviors. 232 00:11:29.039 --> 00:11:32.399 If the answer is consistently no, despite repeated efforts, distance 233 00:11:32.440 --> 00:11:37.320 starts becoming a more reasonable option. Bible maybe would be 234 00:11:37.360 --> 00:11:40.360 a good word there as well. Yeah, but not a definitive. 235 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:42.799 This is not a we have to do this kind 236 00:11:42.840 --> 00:11:47.320 of thing. The grief of no contact is often misunderstood. 237 00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:50.679 Most people aren't grieving the person. They're grieving the relationship 238 00:11:50.759 --> 00:11:56.320 that they believed could or would exist. They're grieving the 239 00:11:56.360 --> 00:11:58.559 father that they wanted, the mother they needed, or the 240 00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:02.039 partner that they imagined. Maybe it's the family that they 241 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:04.960 thought they would eventually have However, the loss of that 242 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:07.639 possibility is often more painful than the loss of the 243 00:12:07.720 --> 00:12:11.960 actual relationship. And when you think about what these relationships are, 244 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:15.759 it's not really a relationship. There is some sort of 245 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:19.399 dynamic happening back and forth, or some sort of energy siphoning, 246 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:22.919 some sort of control or manipulation or horrible thing that's 247 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:25.559 even making people feel like they need to go no contact. 248 00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:27.960 And when you really think about the relationship and what 249 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:31.120 those ratios are, it makes the cutting people off a 250 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:33.720 whole lot fucking easier anything. 251 00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:36.679 I have a lot, but I want you to finish 252 00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:37.120 the document. 253 00:12:37.960 --> 00:12:40.320 You want me to finish the document, or getting to 254 00:12:40.360 --> 00:12:41.919 the point where we get to the ten steps, the 255 00:12:41.960 --> 00:12:44.600 ten questions, because this is I only have a paragraph 256 00:12:44.679 --> 00:12:47.720 left to read and then I've got questions. 257 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:49.919 Okay, okay. 258 00:12:50.919 --> 00:12:52.600 First and foremost, you need to make sure that this 259 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:55.320 is not a reaction. This needs to be a well 260 00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:57.799 thought out decision. Cutting off your family is one of 261 00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:00.639 the most serious moves a person can make. It will 262 00:13:00.639 --> 00:13:04.440 affect your identity, history and your internal sense of belonging. 263 00:13:04.840 --> 00:13:07.799 If you rush it, you risk acting from emotion. If 264 00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:10.440 you avoid it, you risk stain in harm. The goal 265 00:13:10.519 --> 00:13:13.679 is not distanced. The goal is truth, stability, and self respect. 266 00:13:14.159 --> 00:13:16.080 So we've created a process to see if this is 267 00:13:16.200 --> 00:13:18.639 right for you, not just a checklist to justify what 268 00:13:18.679 --> 00:13:19.720 you already want to do. 269 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:23.960 I like this document. Yeah, yeah, this is a good document. 270 00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:27.360 The self preservation is what I got hung up on, 271 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:29.639 because that is what it is. 272 00:13:29.879 --> 00:13:31.679 Yeah, when you are. 273 00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:35.600 In a relationship with somebody who is overbearing and controlling 274 00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:39.240 and does not see you as a separate person or 275 00:13:39.320 --> 00:13:41.960 still infantalizes you, does not believe that you are a 276 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:46.320 capable adult, it is detrimental to your mental health, to 277 00:13:46.360 --> 00:13:47.240 your spiritual health. 278 00:13:47.279 --> 00:13:49.080 You question everything that you do. 279 00:13:50.600 --> 00:13:52.399 It was one of the most painful things for me 280 00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:54.720 to cut people out of my life, right, Like, every 281 00:13:54.759 --> 00:13:57.919 time it happened there, I was sobbing. Am I making 282 00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:02.840 the right choice or the quote unquote right choice or 283 00:14:02.879 --> 00:14:05.840 the best thing for you is not always going to 284 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:11.159 feel good? But you have to ask yourself which not 285 00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:12.759 feel good? Do you want to choose? 286 00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:13.159 Right? 287 00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:15.879 There's a whole lot of other things that people don't 288 00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:18.360 think about. The amount of people who are in relationships 289 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:23.159 because there is help, like financial help or right or 290 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:26.240 just knowing that like there's a babysitter in an emergency, 291 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.759 or if I need a car ride, maybe they'll be there. 292 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:31.480 Or what if I can't pay my electric bill this month? 293 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:33.200 I know Mom will give me the money, even though 294 00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:35.600 I'll have to hear about it. Right, Like, real shit, 295 00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:39.600 A lot of you sell yourself. You are emotional prostitutes 296 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:41.919 when you really fucking think about it, you are selling 297 00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:49.200 your mental peace, sanity, sanity right right for the potential 298 00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:51.240 help that you may need one day or or you 299 00:14:51.240 --> 00:14:53.159 know what I mean. Like, it's a lot to process 300 00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:55.919 before we get into this. I need to know where 301 00:14:55.919 --> 00:14:59.279 that lemon spray is that we got in India or 302 00:14:59.360 --> 00:14:59.879 in Bali. 303 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:01.840 These mosquitoes in. 304 00:15:01.879 --> 00:15:04.240 My strawberry bag, and the meditation I've got. 305 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:05.679 Like fifteen mosquito bites on my feet. 306 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:10.159 Okaya, love the decor upgrades, Thank you. So all of 307 00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:14.320 this was actually out in our zenden. I had our well, 308 00:15:14.360 --> 00:15:17.240 I had my crystal bowl set up out there and 309 00:15:17.320 --> 00:15:19.879 we could not figure out the audio. So it got 310 00:15:19.879 --> 00:15:25.840 repurposed to this and I like it. It's so much more messy, 311 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:29.320 slowly accumulating documents that will help future clients when I 312 00:15:29.320 --> 00:15:31.799 finish become a therapist, and this is absolutely amazing. 313 00:15:32.399 --> 00:15:32.919 I love that. 314 00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.000 I love that you're doing that. I think you're gonna 315 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.399 be a really dope therapist. Good luck on that venture, 316 00:15:40.279 --> 00:15:43.120 Carria jay Care Jaybear says she was going to become 317 00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:47.279 She is becoming a therapist, and she is collecting some 318 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:50.279 of our documents. She's accumulating things and she wants to 319 00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:52.080 use our this. 320 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:55.200 Believe it or not, you're not the first therapist to 321 00:15:55.240 --> 00:15:55.480 do that. 322 00:15:55.639 --> 00:15:58.200 We have had quite a few therapists take our documents 323 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:01.320 and use them in their practices, which says a lot 324 00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:03.720 from all the people who are like, oh, they're not therapists, 325 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:04.440 what are they doing? 326 00:16:04.679 --> 00:16:06.360 Yeah, don't have to be a therapist. 327 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:09.000 If we're creating things that are useful tools and other 328 00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:11.279 therapists are using them, what does it say about us, Right, 329 00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:12.559 get fucked. 330 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:18.559 Before you jump into that, A say, Kent Sukory, I 331 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:19.759 butchered the hell out of that. 332 00:16:19.919 --> 00:16:20.480 Good morning. 333 00:16:21.039 --> 00:16:23.600 I wanted to say that I've noticed you've changed your name, 334 00:16:23.639 --> 00:16:25.240 but I always know it to you by your photo, 335 00:16:25.639 --> 00:16:27.399 and I don't know if that's you in the photo. 336 00:16:28.279 --> 00:16:34.919 Love the hair, love the matching eyebrows. It's a whole vibe. 337 00:16:33.720 --> 00:16:38.639 Kind of like you're at Yeah, okay, So step one, 338 00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:44.120 get honest about what is actually happening. Write it out right, 339 00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:47.480 be honest, not your feelings, but the actual behaviors. 340 00:16:48.679 --> 00:16:51.000 My arm is feeling weird and it hasn't stopped, So. 341 00:16:51.159 --> 00:16:53.000 Okay, I wasn't sure if you were trying to get 342 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:54.279 my attention you were going to speak. 343 00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:56.360 I just I might have to go to the doctor today. 344 00:16:56.639 --> 00:16:57.279 Is it painful? 345 00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:00.559 It's sore, and I feel like I'm losing my grip. 346 00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:03.519 I wonder if you got something going on with nerve pain, 347 00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:07.400 like a nerve nerve block or something. Maybe what has 348 00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:12.400 been said, what has been done, what patterns repeat, remove exaggerations, 349 00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:15.880 you need to remove minimizing, just facts and patterns. But 350 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:20.200 what I mean by remove minimizing we are really quick 351 00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:23.440 to justify someone's shitty behavior as not that big of 352 00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:25.680 a deal. Maybe they were trying to help, Maybe they 353 00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:28.039 were this, maybe they were that, And we. 354 00:17:28.039 --> 00:17:28.559 Try to. 355 00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:33.279 What if situations, and we minimize what's actually happening, right 356 00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:37.440 you are? I do this all the time, like real shit. 357 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:40.480 I am the most notorious minimizer ever when it comes 358 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:42.599 to other people. Because I want to give everyone the 359 00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:44.759 benefit of the doubt. I want to give everyone a 360 00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:47.839 second chance. I want people to be able to learn 361 00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:50.480 from their mistakes and grow and become a better individual. 362 00:17:50.599 --> 00:17:53.279 Hence the whole two be better. We created this podcast 363 00:17:53.319 --> 00:17:55.799 because we believe that all of you are capable of 364 00:17:55.880 --> 00:17:59.680 becoming better individuals. But I do that at a detriment 365 00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:02.480 because I find myself in situations with people that I 366 00:18:02.480 --> 00:18:05.880 shouldn't be in situations with people because I've given them second, third, fourth, 367 00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:08.599 fifth chance. So the last part of number one is 368 00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:12.559 if you cannot clearly describe the behavior, you cannot clearly 369 00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:16.079 justify the decision. Wish I could feel what was going 370 00:18:16.119 --> 00:18:17.400 on with your arm. I hope to god you don't 371 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:18.079 have blood clots. 372 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:19.359 I'm kind of freaking out about it. 373 00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:23.720 Yeah, I be very painful. Well, I just put my 374 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:25.720 arm up and I can feel the pain moving. 375 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:29.319 Is it hot? Is it radiating heat at all? No, 376 00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:32.960 it's probably not a blood clot. Then where's Jenny when 377 00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:33.880 you need her? 378 00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:36.799 Sleeping? She worked last night. 379 00:18:38.079 --> 00:18:40.319 We can come back to this if you want to 380 00:18:40.319 --> 00:18:43.279 go to the er. You want to stop, Yeah, okay, 381 00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:47.400 we'll be back after this short break. Patroon will see 382 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:48.160 you guys a little while. 383 00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:51.880 So we cut out left. My left arm was feeling weird. 384 00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:54.759 I have a lot of medical trauma. I want to 385 00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:58.599 start with that. I almost died. I mean technically I did. 386 00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:02.000 When I will is eleven years old, ten years old, 387 00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:06.400 I had lung pneumonia. That's the only way you get pneumonia. 388 00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:14.079 I had pneumonia and my left lung was totally collapsed. 389 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:17.000 My right lung was partially collapsed. I had to have 390 00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:20.319 surgery to drain the fluid and I was in the 391 00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:24.640 hospital for two three months. I missed a lot, and 392 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:30.720 that experience stuck with me. There was medical neglect, there 393 00:19:30.759 --> 00:19:33.079 was a lot, so a bunch of trauma around that. 394 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:35.200 So anytime I get sick, my husband gets sick, my 395 00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:36.720 kid gets sick, somebody's dying. 396 00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:40.839 It's like hardcore panics. Yeah. 397 00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:44.920 So we left doing research on the phone into things. 398 00:19:45.319 --> 00:19:47.599 My first thoughts blood clot. I am going to die. 399 00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:48.960 I'm going to move my arm the wrong way. The 400 00:19:48.960 --> 00:19:50.759 blood crop's going to get to my brain or my heart, 401 00:19:50.759 --> 00:19:54.359