Speaker 1: Look up, we've come all the things on the bottom.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, is you You're my favorite views?
Speaker 2: But that's nothing and we are back.
Speaker 3: Welcome back Creatures, bitches.
Speaker 4: I've been waiting to do that since yesterday. Yeah, gotta
Speaker 4: gotta get creature shirts made for the people who are
Speaker 4: fans of the show. We are doing Friday content today
Speaker 4: for the last I don't know, two weeks. Every time
Speaker 4: we've sat down to record, I've been like, I need
Speaker 4: to get that document together for the going no contact,
Speaker 4: need to get that document together. Even set in alarm
Speaker 4: while we were live the other day, but we were
Speaker 4: live for so long. The alarm went off while we
Speaker 4: were live, and I still didn't fucking send that document
Speaker 4: to our website guy. So this morning, while we were
Speaker 4: trying to figure out what we're doing, because we have
Speaker 4: to we have to go live for TikTok at ten,
Speaker 4: which is eight am now, and then we have to
Speaker 4: go live for YouTube at eleven or ten thirty eleven.
Speaker 4: However we decide to do that. So we're trying to
Speaker 4: work through our day to make our day work as
Speaker 4: functional as possible. Normally, Friday content would be in the evening,
Speaker 4: but we're behind on Friday Content and we're ahead on podcasts.
Speaker 4: So what do you think about this episode? What do
Speaker 4: I think about about the whole going no contact thing?
Speaker 5: I think that going no contact is the last resort. Yeah,
Speaker 5: that is the Going no contact is hard. There's different
Speaker 5: levels of that hard. Right, cutting off a friend who's
Speaker 5: been abusive to you would be a little bit easier
Speaker 5: than cutting off your mother, right, And cutting off your
Speaker 5: mother might be a little bit easier than leaving your
Speaker 5: spouse that you've been with for ten years. There is
Speaker 5: a level of of grieving that has to happen, and
Speaker 5: there has to be a level of once you make
Speaker 5: this decision. You either need to stand firm in this
Speaker 5: decision because you've talked a whole lot up until this point,
Speaker 5: and if you allow this person back into your life
Speaker 5: with an apology, that you have no other ground to
Speaker 5: stand on. There are no other consequences that can take
Speaker 5: place for them to recognize that they're mistreating you. It's
Speaker 5: a really big decision and it's a lot to uphold.
Speaker 5: If that's what you decide to do. It's hard.
Speaker 2: So maybe this is me being cynical, okay, right, And
Speaker 2: it could be maybe I'm just jaded. I think that it's.
Speaker 4: Becoming more common to run from your problems than it
Speaker 4: is to face them, and people are finding themselves in
Speaker 4: mildly uncomfortable situations. And because people have become so fucking weak,
Speaker 4: it's easier to go no contact than it is to
Speaker 4: have a conversation with the people that you think is
Speaker 4: abusing you.
Speaker 3: I agree with that, right.
Speaker 2: Somebody having a difference in political opinion is not abuse.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 4: Somebody holding you accountable for your fucking toxic behavior is
Speaker 4: not abuse.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 4: Somebody telling you that you know what you're doing is
Speaker 4: unbecoming of you, and that they believe in you and
Speaker 4: they believe that you can do better is not abuse.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: There's a whole lot of of a rock snake sheds
Speaker 4: its skin between a rock and a hard place, right, Like,
Speaker 4: there's a whole lot of accountability and growth that comes
Speaker 4: from having people that you love and that love you
Speaker 4: give you criticism.
Speaker 3: Not malicious criticism.
Speaker 2: Right, Well, criticism without love is cruelty. Right.
Speaker 4: So if somebody's like, hey, what you're doing is kind
Speaker 4: of fucked up, and it's coming from a place of love,
Speaker 4: it's because they want to see you do better. I
Speaker 4: think that if somebody loves you and they don't tell
Speaker 4: you the things that you're doing wrong, they don't love you.
Speaker 3: I agree with that.
Speaker 4: There's a whole lot of you need to hold the
Speaker 4: people that you love to a standard because you love them.
Speaker 4: I can ignore a whole lot of shit from people
Speaker 4: that I don't care about, right, I can let a
Speaker 4: lot of shit slide from people I don't care about,
Speaker 4: But when it comes to the people that I love
Speaker 4: and the people I care about, like, I expect more
Speaker 4: from the people in my life. And this isn't a
Speaker 4: matter of if you're going to be in my life,
Speaker 4: you have to meet these standards. It's a matter of
Speaker 4: I love you and I know you're capable of more.
Speaker 4: Therefore you need to meet these standards.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it all makes sense. Yeah, it all makes.
Speaker 4: Sense, Jay, And the chat said amen to that. Part
Speaker 4: of my integration was to answer that phone call. How
Speaker 4: can I know I've changed, slash grown if I always
Speaker 4: avoid the trigger doesn't mean my parents changed, but that
Speaker 4: I truly did. It's a phenomenal statement.
Speaker 2: Guys.
Speaker 4: If you are unaware, we record all of our content
Speaker 4: live in front of our Patreon audience. If you were
Speaker 4: not a member of our Patreon. You were missing a
Speaker 4: discord community of over a thousand people. That is unlike
Speaker 4: any community that I've ever been a part of, and
Speaker 4: I'm a part of a lot. There's a lot of accountability,
Speaker 4: a lot of growth, and a lot of support and
Speaker 4: a lot of You need that, especially if you are
Speaker 4: contemplating cutting off your family members, yes, or friends or whatever.
Speaker 4: So do you want to just jump into it? I
Speaker 4: prepared a little thing to read and then we can
Speaker 4: go step by step. There's ten points, and then we
Speaker 4: can send this document to our web guide to get
Speaker 4: it uploaded to the website. I may have to take
Speaker 4: my glasses off to read on this thing, yep. I
Speaker 4: can read the comments on the TV way easier that way, though.
Speaker 5: So while you're pulling that up, I want to add
Speaker 5: on to what we were just talking about. Sure, let's
Speaker 5: go so with everything that we said. My husband and
Speaker 5: I have both cut people off in our lives, family members,
Speaker 5: past friends, exes, whatever the case may be. Can't say
Speaker 5: if it was the right or the wrong decision, but
Speaker 5: I know that I healed from it. I am a
Speaker 5: better person because of it. And you know, we're here
Speaker 5: all the time. You'll regret if you cut your mother
Speaker 5: out of your life, or if you stop talking to
Speaker 5: your brother and he passes away, you're gonna regret it. Yes,
Speaker 5: you can say that, but I don't regret it right
Speaker 5: now in this moment, And that is what matters most
Speaker 5: to me. When I'm laying on my deathbed at eighty
Speaker 5: ninety one hundred years old and I'm looking back on
Speaker 5: my life, it's my fucking life. You guys don't have
Speaker 5: to worry about any of that because you're not gonna
Speaker 5: have to to tell God why I made my choices.
Speaker 5: You're not gonna have to repent for the sins of
Speaker 5: the things that I've done. Stay in your lane, worry
Speaker 5: about you. If somebody is trying to guilt you into
Speaker 5: maintaining a friendship, I would real shit start like looking
Speaker 5: real hard at that person too.
Speaker 2: Yeah for sure.
Speaker 5: Why why do you feel like you are in a
Speaker 5: position to tell me what's best for me?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: On that whole God thing, Because that's something that people
Speaker 4: are gonna bring up. You're gonna have to answer to
Speaker 4: God as to why you stop. You needn't honor your parents, parents,
Speaker 4: didn't honor the child.
Speaker 3: Amen.
Speaker 4: Right, there's a whole lot of ebb and flow. In
Speaker 4: a relationship, there's an energy transference that's got to happen,
Speaker 4: and I can love them and not have them in
Speaker 4: my life. There's a difference. I've removed every blood relative
Speaker 4: I have except for one, and even the one that
Speaker 4: I have in my life, we don't speak very often.
Speaker 4: We don't have a relationship. There's nothing in common there.
Speaker 4: So like sharing DNA is a thing, but that doesn't
Speaker 4: make the relationship a thing. Like if I didn't know
Speaker 4: him and didn't know that he was my cousin, and
Speaker 4: he walked past me on the street, we don't look
Speaker 4: anything alike. I would never know that we were related,
Speaker 4: So what where would there be a Well, you gotta
Speaker 4: share blood, you have to be cool with each other.
Speaker 2: No the fuck. I don't like that relation blood.
Speaker 3: They have treated me better right well.
Speaker 4: And and what I mean in that situation is just
Speaker 4: because you share blood doesn't mean the relationship is going
Speaker 4: to be there. You're not gonna you know, there's people
Speaker 4: guarantee it, right, there's people out there that you are
Speaker 4: related to that could be third, fourth, fifth cousin that
Speaker 4: you would never know and you walking by them. It's
Speaker 4: not going to be like a stir bar on a magnet.
Speaker 4: You're not gonna know that it's your people. You're just
Speaker 4: gonna walk by and go about your life. The relationship matters,
Speaker 4: So are you ready for this?
Speaker 2: Anything else? Before I jump in?
Speaker 3: I had it, But you transition, so you go ahead, okay.
Speaker 4: Going to contact has become much more common in the
Speaker 4: last decade, especially as therapy, language, social media, psychology, and
Speaker 4: personal boundaries have entered mainstream culture. Some of that shift
Speaker 4: has been healthy, some of it has been used to
Speaker 4: escape consequences shitty behavior, and has only excused your toxic behavior. Historically,
Speaker 4: family relationships were often treated as permanent obligations, regardless of behavior. Today, however,
Speaker 4: many people are asking a different question. Does this relationship
Speaker 4: contribute to my well being, my joy, or my over
Speaker 4: all quality of life? Or does it consistently disrupt it?
Speaker 4: The question has led many adults to create distance from
Speaker 4: their parents, sibling, former partners, and even lifelong friends. The
Speaker 4: strongest reasons that people go no contact usually involve repeated
Speaker 4: patterns rather than isolated incidents. And pause for a second,
Speaker 4: because it's very important to recognize that nobody wakes up
Speaker 4: one day and goes well, mom was disrespectful yesterday, fucked
Speaker 4: that bitch. Never gonna speak to her again. This is
Speaker 4: a ongoing thing that has probably happened since childhood, and
Speaker 4: somebody has finally gotten so sick of your shit that
Speaker 4: they're like, you know, I don't have to right right,
Speaker 4: the little bit of joy or help because some people
Speaker 4: are only in relationships with people to get fucking help
Speaker 4: that they provide to me is not worth the other
Speaker 4: eighty five to ninety percent of anguish. And like the
Speaker 4: math just doesn't add up here.
Speaker 3: By my girl, math, that's ay no dog, Yeah.
Speaker 2: That's a no for me. Dog.
Speaker 4: So the strongest reasons that people go no contact usually
Speaker 4: involve repeated patterns rather than isolated incidents. Chronic emotional abuse, manipulation, control,
Speaker 4: addiction with no accountability, physical violence, repeated betrayal, constant boundary violations,
Speaker 4: situations where every interaction leaves the person feeling depleted, anxious, guilty,
Speaker 4: or emotionally destabilized. In those cases, no contact often becomes
Speaker 4: less about punishment and more about self preservation. I think
Speaker 4: that's the answer to going no contact. Self preservation.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 4: So one of the biggest mistakes that people make is
Speaker 4: confusing discomfort with harm. A parent disagreeing with your lifestyle
Speaker 4: is not abuse. A spouse holding you accountable is not
Speaker 4: automatically toxic, and it certainly doesn't make them a fucking narcissist.
Speaker 4: A friend challenging your beliefs is not necessarily harmful. Relationships
Speaker 4: can bring friction, and growth requires that friction. The harder
Speaker 4: question is whether the relationship contains a pattern of disrespect, manipulation, coheresion, humiliation,
Speaker 4: gas lighting, or chronic emotional instability. That's where many people
Speaker 4: begin considering to go no contact. Parents and adult children
Speaker 4: are where this conversation is especially complicated. Many parents grew
Speaker 4: up in generations where emotional intelligence was not taught right,
Speaker 4: had to do a whole lot of learning to be
Speaker 4: able to be where I am right now, and I'm
Speaker 4: still not where I want to be. They may have
Speaker 4: been controlled, or been taught how to be controlling, emotionally, unavailable, critical,
Speaker 4: or dismissive. Their adult children often reach a point where
Speaker 4: they recognize the damage that those patterns caused. Some work
Speaker 4: through it, some create boundaries, some eventually to choose to
Speaker 4: go no contact. At the same time, we are also
Speaker 4: seeing a modern trend where some people cut off family
Speaker 4: members quickly because they don't share values, political beliefs, parenting styles,
Speaker 4: or life choices. That's where discernment becomes important. Disagreement is
Speaker 4: not abuse, and perfection is not toxicity. Being hurt by
Speaker 4: someone does not automatically mean that they are harmful. I'm
Speaker 4: not mean, you're just weak, right, Or I'm not scary
Speaker 4: you're scared. There's a difference between these things. So here's
Speaker 4: a useful framework. Can the person here feedback, can they
Speaker 4: acknowledge their impact? And can they respect boundaries? Ultimately, do
Speaker 4: you believe that over time they can change their behaviors.
Speaker 4: If the answer is consistently no, despite repeated efforts, distance
Speaker 4: starts becoming a more reasonable option. Bible maybe would be
Speaker 4: a good word there as well. Yeah, but not a definitive.
Speaker 4: This is not a we have to do this kind
Speaker 4: of thing. The grief of no contact is often misunderstood.
Speaker 4: Most people aren't grieving the person. They're grieving the relationship
Speaker 4: that they believed could or would exist. They're grieving the
Speaker 4: father that they wanted, the mother they needed, or the
Speaker 4: partner that they imagined. Maybe it's the family that they
Speaker 4: thought they would eventually have However, the loss of that
Speaker 4: possibility is often more painful than the loss of the
Speaker 4: actual relationship. And when you think about what these relationships are,
Speaker 4: it's not really a relationship. There is some sort of
Speaker 4: dynamic happening back and forth, or some sort of energy siphoning,
Speaker 4: some sort of control or manipulation or horrible thing that's
Speaker 4: even making people feel like they need to go no contact.
Speaker 4: And when you really think about the relationship and what
Speaker 4: those ratios are, it makes the cutting people off a
Speaker 4: whole lot fucking easier anything.
Speaker 3: I have a lot, but I want you to finish
Speaker 3: the document.
Speaker 4: You want me to finish the document, or getting to
Speaker 4: the point where we get to the ten steps, the
Speaker 4: ten questions, because this is I only have a paragraph
Speaker 4: left to read and then I've got questions.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay.
Speaker 4: First and foremost, you need to make sure that this
Speaker 4: is not a reaction. This needs to be a well
Speaker 4: thought out decision. Cutting off your family is one of
Speaker 4: the most serious moves a person can make. It will
Speaker 4: affect your identity, history and your internal sense of belonging.
Speaker 4: If you rush it, you risk acting from emotion. If
Speaker 4: you avoid it, you risk stain in harm. The goal
Speaker 4: is not distanced. The goal is truth, stability, and self respect.
Speaker 4: So we've created a process to see if this is
Speaker 4: right for you, not just a checklist to justify what
Speaker 4: you already want to do.
Speaker 5: I like this document. Yeah, yeah, this is a good document.
Speaker 5: The self preservation is what I got hung up on,
Speaker 5: because that is what it is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, when you are.
Speaker 5: In a relationship with somebody who is overbearing and controlling
Speaker 5: and does not see you as a separate person or
Speaker 5: still infantalizes you, does not believe that you are a
Speaker 5: capable adult, it is detrimental to your mental health, to
Speaker 5: your spiritual health.
Speaker 3: You question everything that you do.
Speaker 5: It was one of the most painful things for me
Speaker 5: to cut people out of my life, right, Like, every
Speaker 5: time it happened there, I was sobbing. Am I making
Speaker 5: the right choice or the quote unquote right choice or
Speaker 5: the best thing for you is not always going to
Speaker 5: feel good? But you have to ask yourself which not
Speaker 5: feel good? Do you want to choose?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 4: There's a whole lot of other things that people don't
Speaker 4: think about. The amount of people who are in relationships
Speaker 4: because there is help, like financial help or right or
Speaker 4: just knowing that like there's a babysitter in an emergency,
Speaker 4: or if I need a car ride, maybe they'll be there.
Speaker 4: Or what if I can't pay my electric bill this month?
Speaker 4: I know Mom will give me the money, even though
Speaker 4: I'll have to hear about it. Right, Like, real shit,
Speaker 4: A lot of you sell yourself. You are emotional prostitutes
Speaker 4: when you really fucking think about it, you are selling
Speaker 4: your mental peace, sanity, sanity right right for the potential
Speaker 4: help that you may need one day or or you
Speaker 4: know what I mean. Like, it's a lot to process
Speaker 4: before we get into this. I need to know where
Speaker 4: that lemon spray is that we got in India or
Speaker 4: in Bali.
Speaker 2: These mosquitoes in.
Speaker 3: My strawberry bag, and the meditation I've got.
Speaker 2: Like fifteen mosquito bites on my feet.
Speaker 5: Okaya, love the decor upgrades, Thank you. So all of
Speaker 5: this was actually out in our zenden. I had our well,
Speaker 5: I had my crystal bowl set up out there and
Speaker 5: we could not figure out the audio. So it got
Speaker 5: repurposed to this and I like it. It's so much more messy,
Speaker 5: slowly accumulating documents that will help future clients when I
Speaker 5: finish become a therapist, and this is absolutely amazing.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 5: I love that you're doing that. I think you're gonna
Speaker 5: be a really dope therapist. Good luck on that venture,
Speaker 5: Carria jay Care Jaybear says she was going to become
Speaker 5: She is becoming a therapist, and she is collecting some
Speaker 5: of our documents. She's accumulating things and she wants to
Speaker 5: use our this.
Speaker 2: Believe it or not, you're not the first therapist to
Speaker 2: do that.
Speaker 4: We have had quite a few therapists take our documents
Speaker 4: and use them in their practices, which says a lot
Speaker 4: from all the people who are like, oh, they're not therapists,
Speaker 4: what are they doing?
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't have to be a therapist.
Speaker 4: If we're creating things that are useful tools and other
Speaker 4: therapists are using them, what does it say about us, Right,
Speaker 4: get fucked.
Speaker 5: Before you jump into that, A say, Kent Sukory, I
Speaker 5: butchered the hell out of that.
Speaker 3: Good morning.
Speaker 5: I wanted to say that I've noticed you've changed your name,
Speaker 5: but I always know it to you by your photo,
Speaker 5: and I don't know if that's you in the photo.
Speaker 5: Love the hair, love the matching eyebrows. It's a whole vibe.
Speaker 4: Kind of like you're at Yeah, okay, So step one,
Speaker 4: get honest about what is actually happening. Write it out right,
Speaker 4: be honest, not your feelings, but the actual behaviors.
Speaker 3: My arm is feeling weird and it hasn't stopped, So.
Speaker 4: Okay, I wasn't sure if you were trying to get
Speaker 4: my attention you were going to speak.
Speaker 3: I just I might have to go to the doctor today.
Speaker 2: Is it painful?
Speaker 3: It's sore, and I feel like I'm losing my grip.
Speaker 4: I wonder if you got something going on with nerve pain,
Speaker 4: like a nerve nerve block or something. Maybe what has
Speaker 4: been said, what has been done, what patterns repeat, remove exaggerations,
Speaker 4: you need to remove minimizing, just facts and patterns. But
Speaker 4: what I mean by remove minimizing we are really quick
Speaker 4: to justify someone's shitty behavior as not that big of
Speaker 4: a deal. Maybe they were trying to help, Maybe they
Speaker 4: were this, maybe they were that, And we.
Speaker 2: Try to.
Speaker 4: What if situations, and we minimize what's actually happening, right
Speaker 4: you are? I do this all the time, like real shit.
Speaker 4: I am the most notorious minimizer ever when it comes
Speaker 4: to other people. Because I want to give everyone the
Speaker 4: benefit of the doubt. I want to give everyone a
Speaker 4: second chance. I want people to be able to learn
Speaker 4: from their mistakes and grow and become a better individual.
Speaker 4: Hence the whole two be better. We created this podcast
Speaker 4: because we believe that all of you are capable of
Speaker 4: becoming better individuals. But I do that at a detriment
Speaker 4: because I find myself in situations with people that I
Speaker 4: shouldn't be in situations with people because I've given them second, third, fourth,
Speaker 4: fifth chance. So the last part of number one is
Speaker 4: if you cannot clearly describe the behavior, you cannot clearly
Speaker 4: justify the decision. Wish I could feel what was going
Speaker 4: on with your arm. I hope to god you don't
Speaker 4: have blood clots.
Speaker 3: I'm kind of freaking out about it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I be very painful. Well, I just put my
Speaker 5: arm up and I can feel the pain moving.
Speaker 4: Is it hot? Is it radiating heat at all? No,
Speaker 4: it's probably not a blood clot. Then where's Jenny when
Speaker 4: you need her?
Speaker 3: Sleeping? She worked last night.
Speaker 4: We can come back to this if you want to
Speaker 4: go to the er. You want to stop, Yeah, okay,
Speaker 4: we'll be back after this short break. Patroon will see
Speaker 4: you guys a little while.
Speaker 5: So we cut out left. My left arm was feeling weird.
Speaker 5: I have a lot of medical trauma. I want to
Speaker 5: start with that. I almost died. I mean technically I did.
Speaker 5: When I will is eleven years old, ten years old,
Speaker 5: I had lung pneumonia. That's the only way you get pneumonia.
Speaker 5: I had pneumonia and my left lung was totally collapsed.
Speaker 5: My right lung was partially collapsed. I had to have
Speaker 5: surgery to drain the fluid and I was in the
Speaker 5: hospital for two three months. I missed a lot, and
Speaker 5: that experience stuck with me. There was medical neglect, there
Speaker 5: was a lot, so a bunch of trauma around that.
Speaker 5: So anytime I get sick, my husband gets sick, my
Speaker 5: kid gets sick, somebody's dying.
Speaker 2: It's like hardcore panics. Yeah.
Speaker 5: So we left doing research on the phone into things.
Speaker 5: My first thoughts blood clot. I am going to die.
Speaker 5: I'm going to move my arm the wrong way. The
Speaker 5: blood crop's going to get to my brain or my heart,
Speaker 5: and that's it. Like I'm done in doing research. Blood
Speaker 5: clots are very painful. There are physical symptoms like to
Speaker 5: be seen on the arm, red and excruciating pain, deep
Speaker 5: vein thrombosis, so you'll be able to feel a hardness
Speaker 5: within your veins, which I can relate to. I've had
Speaker 5: clogged milk ducks, so I kind of have the idea
Speaker 5: of what that may feel like in my arm, and
Speaker 5: I'm not feeling anything like that in my arm.
Speaker 3: Reached out to Jena. Shout out to Jenna.
Speaker 5: She works in the medical field, very knowledgeable and wise
Speaker 5: when it comes to those things. And she filled me
Speaker 5: in on other possibilities of what it could be and
Speaker 5: I calmed down a little bit. She hit me with
Speaker 5: some things and I was like, you know what, it
Speaker 5: might be a good idea to just go home and
Speaker 5: take an anti inflammatory. So we went home. I took
Speaker 5: an anti inflammatory. I took a nap on the couch.
Speaker 5: My arm is not one hundred percent better, but the
Speaker 5: anti inflammatory I am noticing a positive effect from it.
Speaker 5: So I have made an appointment with my general practitioner,
Speaker 5: going to be seeing them versus spending the day in
Speaker 5: the er, and.
Speaker 4: It'll only be like forty or fifty thousand dollars cheaper, right.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Shout out to my husband and my best friend for
Speaker 5: reeling me back in.
Speaker 4: It's so difficult That's such a hard thing to do
Speaker 4: because how do you tell somebody like you're reacting, yeah,
Speaker 4: well over a medical thing. Because I couldn't feel what
Speaker 4: was going on in right, I felt like you were panicking. Yeah,
Speaker 4: but like I don't know. That's why I kept asking, like,
Speaker 4: what's your pain on a scale of one to ten?
Speaker 4: Because if you're at a three, we're not fucking going
Speaker 4: to the er. Yeah, he takes some Madville and sucks
Speaker 4: the fuck up, right, see.
Speaker 5: But like, also, I have a massive high pain tolerance.
Speaker 5: So me saying it's a three when it's actually a
Speaker 5: seven that would be normally categorized work that way.
Speaker 2: No, No, it don't work that way.
Speaker 4: Okay, I think I've got a pretty good pain tolerance,
Speaker 4: and that kidney Stone let me know that I'm a bitch.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So when you get to that pain level and
Speaker 4: where you're really actually in pain, like your pain level
Speaker 4: or somebody else, it doesn't matter. When you're hurting, you're hurting.
Speaker 5: Right, So when you asked me if I broke my elbow,
Speaker 5: I was like, I don't know. You like you would
Speaker 5: know if you broke your elbow, And I was like, well,
Speaker 5: I don't know, So maybe it's not broke.
Speaker 4: Right, And as soon as that adrenaline wear off, you
Speaker 4: were like, I broke my elbow, and I was like,
Speaker 4: I told you you'd know it.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so very clearly, I do very well with the children. Yeah,
Speaker 5: the children get sick and like I come to you
Speaker 5: when I get my panic out there, because I also
Speaker 5: do not want to traumatize them by proxy because I'm
Speaker 5: so anxious and worried about it. But when it comes
Speaker 5: to me, I can't die. I have two kids in
Speaker 5: single digits.
Speaker 2: Yeah, your kids would be taken care of.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's really reassuring.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you know what this means. This means you
Speaker 2: have to start actually taking maringa every day.
Speaker 3: I do.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, you know I've actually when we were in Bali,
Speaker 5: I ordered a Maringa and pumpkin soup and as one
Speaker 5: of the best soups I've ever had. That might be
Speaker 5: like my daily lunch.
Speaker 2: Yeah, be very cool. You know that we can extract maringa.
Speaker 4: So you want to talk about what else we've got
Speaker 4: going on, because, like I said, it's been a very
Speaker 4: very interesting two hours.
Speaker 3: So I'll let you start it.
Speaker 4: Okay, I almost died. I didn't, but it fucking felt
Speaker 4: like it. I don't know what happened. I've never had
Speaker 4: my blood sugar drop or like have a panic. Whatever
Speaker 4: the fuck just happened out there. But I was out
Speaker 4: in the studio building the rotovap. For those of you
Speaker 4: who don't know, we were building a laboratory so that
Speaker 4: we can start doing like crazy extractions.
Speaker 3: And make our own essential oils.
Speaker 4: Pinctures and all kinds of you know, natural remedies for
Speaker 4: our home. Can't call it medicine. I guess I can
Speaker 4: if we're taking it for ourselves, but can't legally call
Speaker 4: lions main medicine, you know, because.
Speaker 3: That's insane, isn't it.
Speaker 4: But I'm out there setting up a roto evaporator, and like,
Speaker 4: I started sweat, and I was like, man, I don't
Speaker 4: feel good. And then I got lightheaded, and then I
Speaker 4: was like, I gotta fucking sit down. It was seventy
Speaker 4: three degrees out there. Almost fucking passed out. Wow, drenched,
Speaker 4: drip and sweat. I'm still sweaty. Something happened to me
Speaker 4: out there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, But the.
Speaker 4: Rotovap's built, the socks lit, and the heating element is
Speaker 4: put together. All of the things that I'm still waiting
Speaker 4: on like the stands to like hold everything up.
Speaker 5: Oh so that means I can't go out there tonight
Speaker 5: and spend six hours watching the thing do it thing.
Speaker 4: Damn Nope, I have to check my I bought a
Speaker 4: distillation kit too, so that we can do water distillation,
Speaker 4: because doing double extracts methanol ethanol or you know, methanol
Speaker 4: or ethanol for the extraction for botanicals, and then another
Speaker 4: one for water, so that you can get things that
Speaker 4: the ethnol won't extract.
Speaker 2: Can be done on that distillation unit.
Speaker 4: That heating mantles big enough that I can put a
Speaker 4: five thousand milli liter flask in there. Yeah, so we
Speaker 4: could do a lot of medium anyways, doing the distillation aspect.
Speaker 4: I think we'd be able to do that today. I
Speaker 4: don't know what all came in that box because it's
Speaker 4: all glass. I didn't open it. Yeah, I cut it open.
Speaker 4: I was like, okay, that's the distillation ship. Nothing's broken,
Speaker 4: and I just slid it underneath the desk. But I
Speaker 4: am waiting on a lot of the little stands to
Speaker 4: hold everything up so that we don't have to worry
Speaker 4: about shit falling over Yeah. And I had to order
Speaker 4: a fiber or fire fiber glass fire rope to wrap
Speaker 4: around the bottom of the flask for socks of it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: but you have to get your FDA thing figured out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and uh that's gonna happen.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but we are, we are on the road to
Speaker 4: going really hard on creating a whole lot of organic
Speaker 4: things for our community.
Speaker 3: Yep, very very very excited.
Speaker 4: So am I you know the the we've been watching,
Speaker 4: Like we watched somebody extract turmeric, do a turmeric extraction, Yeah,
Speaker 4: and it just stained everything yellow. But knowing that we
Speaker 4: can literally do an extraction of rosemary if we wanted to,
Speaker 4: or lavender or maringa or literally anything for concentrated homeopathic remedies,
Speaker 4: I think we could say that. I don't know, you
Speaker 4: have to ask th H. Holmes thatad how we have
Speaker 4: to verbiage this. I don't know how to verbage this.
Speaker 2: But we we we we we did a lot. I have.
Speaker 4: I ended up buying a vacuum pump that's oil lists
Speaker 4: so that we can suck chemicals out.
Speaker 2: I bought a flow hood.
Speaker 4: I got a fire cabinet on the way so that
Speaker 4: chemicals can get stored properly. We bought a vacuum oven
Speaker 4: because things boil at lower temperatures, and a vacuum so
Speaker 4: that we can extract all of the solvents out of
Speaker 4: whatever it is that we make and then reconstitute them
Speaker 4: however we want to reconstitute them. I feel like mad science, right, Like,
Speaker 4: I'm so so fucking excited about all this shit, and
Speaker 4: I can't wait to see the kind of stuff that
Speaker 4: we get. I saw an old man who has his
Speaker 4: own little property that grows all of his own food
Speaker 4: and shit with a still a modified pressure cooker making
Speaker 4: something called a melissa oil that goes for three hundred
Speaker 4: dollars an ounce yep. And it was just lemon, lemon
Speaker 4: balm and other things that he pulled off of his
Speaker 4: property and stuck in a big pressure cooker and started
Speaker 4: distilling it. He said, it takes about two weeks to
Speaker 4: go through all the material to get it, but at
Speaker 4: three hundred dollars an ounce with his with his holemade thing,
Speaker 4: we could do that in three days, right. Not that
Speaker 4: I not that I would want to make and sell that, Like,
Speaker 4: I'm more interested in making sure that we have things
Speaker 4: for your woo woo.
Speaker 2: And then my fun.
Speaker 4: Fun because I just want to do stupid shit, Like
Speaker 4: I would love to see what I can make with
Speaker 4: all of that stuff out there. Yeah, but it's not
Speaker 4: stupid shit, it's exciting shit. But I want to.
Speaker 2: I want to.
Speaker 4: I want to extract capsaicin. MN suck if it gets
Speaker 4: on me. Yeah, but how hot can I make it?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 2: Could I?
Speaker 4: Could I get like five to fifteen like ghost peppers
Speaker 4: or pepper X whatever the world's hottest pepper is right
Speaker 4: now and put them into a blender, dehydrate them or
Speaker 4: freeze dry them because we have a freeze dryer coming.
Speaker 4: Run that shit through the nutribullet until it's a fucking powder,
Speaker 4: and then extract that shit and then turn that extraction
Speaker 4: tincture into a fucking paste. Could you imagine how bad
Speaker 4: that would be if somebody ate that, like, turn that
Speaker 4: shit int a pepper spray? Could do that too, self
Speaker 4: protection could.
Speaker 2: Call it anti anti peto spray.
Speaker 3: Ooh, I like that?
Speaker 2: Could you imagine how bad that it suck? Cap sasan.
Speaker 4: When you're working with cap sasan anyways, they tell you
Speaker 4: to wear full lab gear because if that gets on
Speaker 4: your skin, it can burn for days, Like in high
Speaker 4: quantities when you get into concentrates. Yeah, Lisa Carrttson said, yeah,
Speaker 4: Melissa's very expensive. Yep, yep, yep. Call it begone spray. Yeah,
Speaker 4: it ruins some days, That's what that would be. But
Speaker 4: we're pretty excited about all this. It's just one more
Speaker 4: thing that we get to do on our downtime, as
Speaker 4: like a hobby together, and it's not something that we
Speaker 4: have to sit out there with the entire time. Once
Speaker 4: we get the extraction running, we just have to walk
Speaker 4: back out there a little bit and check on it.
Speaker 4: The biggest thing now is going to be finding raw material.
Speaker 4: I found a couple people that do lions made by
Speaker 4: the pound in the US, and the prices are all
Speaker 4: over the place. So I want to go to Fort
Speaker 4: Myers and meet with the mushroom place that's down there
Speaker 4: to find out what we would be like bulk ten
Speaker 4: pounds of turkey tail, ten pounds of lion made racy,
Speaker 4: cordous steps, maybe a garri con if they have it, whatever,
Speaker 4: and just buy bulk, come home, make sure that it's
Speaker 4: either you know, dehydrated or freeze dride. If it's not yet,
Speaker 4: I would rather buy it already dehydrated.
Speaker 3: Yeah, got the process shorter for us.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, and then start seeing what we could do for
Speaker 4: tinctures and things of that nature. It'd be really cool
Speaker 4: to do a lion's main, turkey tail, maringa, maybe some
Speaker 4: African cranberry hibiscus, all of the things that I like
Speaker 4: in my protein shakes into a concentrated dropper so that
Speaker 4: I could do like three drops and call it a day,
Speaker 4: and that would be my supplement for the day. Like
Speaker 4: that would be amazing.
Speaker 3: You can just add it to your shakes in the morning.
Speaker 4: Right well, on days that I'm fasting, I can't have
Speaker 4: a shake, I could pump up it up and I've
Speaker 4: got all my nutrients for the fucking day, you know
Speaker 4: what I mean. And it's not compressed pills the way
Speaker 4: that you get your multi vitamins. You'll still piss a
Speaker 4: lot of that out, but I would put money on
Speaker 4: the fact that it wouldn't be highlight or yellow urine.
Speaker 5: I'm going to revamp our inside garden. Our tomatoes have
Speaker 5: come and gone plucked. All of those guys. Our onions
Speaker 5: are doing the thing. Once we get through this season
Speaker 5: of gardening and we get like the actual n ground
Speaker 5: garden beds figured out so we can grow things in
Speaker 5: the ground.
Speaker 3: I am going to reclaim the.
Speaker 5: Inside garden to grow all of the herbs for this lavender,
Speaker 5: camomeal lemon, balm, ginger, ginger, yep our ginger, and tumoric's
Speaker 5: doing really good out there right now.
Speaker 4: I'm okay with you redoing all of that now. The
Speaker 4: only things that we have in there now that I
Speaker 4: want to relocate and not lose is the pigeon pe
Speaker 4: and the katook.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: But every single time we leave our house, Guys, every
Speaker 4: fucking time we leave our house to the katouk dies.
Speaker 4: And it was doing well, Like Carrie figured out how
Speaker 4: to water it. It was doing like it was thriving it. It
Speaker 4: was doing better than it had ever done. We were
Speaker 4: gone for six fucking days and it came back and
Speaker 4: all four plants were dead.
Speaker 3: Whoah, I think.
Speaker 5: We're gonna have to find like a professional gardener. I'd
Speaker 5: hire them for when we're gone.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, or get somebody to just come live here
Speaker 2: while we're gone. Oh yeah, I don't know. I don't
Speaker 2: know the shed out there.
Speaker 4: Nikita's on his way over here today at like noon,
Speaker 4: so in about fifteen minutes he should be leaving the
Speaker 4: ultra sound because he's getting ready to have another baby. Congratulations, Nikita.
Speaker 4: If you actually watch that, he'll have two hunder two.
Speaker 5: But oh yes, that's fun. It's rough as fuck, but
Speaker 5: it's fun. I love our kids being so close in age.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we talked about that quite a bit actually, But
Speaker 4: he's gonna come out and try to get the shed
Speaker 4: done so that Carrie can move on to the property.
Speaker 2: And then you know, we have to figure out what
Speaker 2: we're going to do.
Speaker 4: We have a couple other things, We have other people
Speaker 4: that I would like to get down here, but figure
Speaker 4: it out. We'll cross those bridges when we get to him.
Speaker 2: I guess.
Speaker 4: So now that you guys got a whole lot of
Speaker 4: extra content that has nothing to do with anything, would
Speaker 4: you like to get back to the document?
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, want me to recap the first one?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 4: Step one, Get honest about what is actually happening. Write
Speaker 4: it out, not your feelings, but the behaviors. What has
Speaker 4: been said, not what has been said, what has been done?
Speaker 4: What patterns? Repeat, Remove exaggerations, remove minimizing, just the facts
Speaker 4: and patterns. If you cannot clearly describe the behavior, you
Speaker 4: cannot clearly justify the decision.
Speaker 5: I agree with that, and it has to be separate
Speaker 5: from your feelings. This is the problem, not because this
Speaker 5: is how I feel about it. There are detectable harmful
Speaker 5: patterns that repeat in humanity, and that is what we're
Speaker 5: deciphering not I mean, yes, your feelings matter in this,
Speaker 5: but we can be blinded by our feelings. We can
Speaker 5: talk ourselves into some pretty extreme situations just because somebody
Speaker 5: upset us. We are looking for a funnel for our
Speaker 5: inner anger, and we can't be blinded by that.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 3: That's the point of what I was trying to say.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's true.
Speaker 4: Though you think of everybody that's ever committed a crime
Speaker 4: of passion, it's no different when it's an emotional disconnect.
Speaker 4: The emotional disconnect is there when you stop looking at
Speaker 4: the person as a person and start looking at them
Speaker 4: as a threat or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 4: So step two is separate your harm from discomfort. Not
Speaker 4: all pain abuse. Not everything that you guys go through
Speaker 4: is abuse. Not everything that you've experienced as fucking trauma.
Speaker 4: Not every emotion that you feel is a fucking trigger. Like,
Speaker 4: come on, guys, let's start, like, let's start working on
Speaker 4: emotional vocabulary.
Speaker 5: Yeah, let's reel it in a little bit. Yeah, let's
Speaker 5: have some emotional intelligence.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so you ask yourself, are you being disrespected, manipulated, controlled,
Speaker 4: or harmed? Or are you being challenged, disagreed with or
Speaker 4: simply held accountable or not getting what you want?
Speaker 2: Right? Right?
Speaker 4: If it's harm, you should be able to name it
Speaker 4: very clearly. They hit me, they are psychologically abusing me.
Speaker 4: They make me feel like less of a human being
Speaker 4: when they're my presence. Right, Like, if it's discomfort, then
Speaker 4: you need to own your reaction.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: If you're triggered, you need to figure out why the
Speaker 4: fuck you're triggered. This step protects you from using toxic
Speaker 4: as a label for anything that is just difficult. And
Speaker 4: that's that's what I was saying earlier by people are
Speaker 4: weak now like we don't. People don't want to face
Speaker 4: things anymore. They just want to run from their problems
Speaker 4: because it's easier to protect your peace and remove everything
Speaker 4: from your life that brings you any type of challenge,
Speaker 4: and then wonder why you never level up?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 4: Uh, the next one is check check your role in
Speaker 4: the dynamic. This is not about blaming yourself. It's about
Speaker 4: reclaiming control. The thing that you ask yourself is where
Speaker 4: do you tolerate what you say you don't want? Where
Speaker 4: do you avoid hard conversations? And where do you react
Speaker 4: instead of respond? You need to own your side of
Speaker 4: things right. You need to do so so that your
Speaker 4: decisions can come from clarity and not victimhood. If you
Speaker 4: if you are pity me, pity me, pity me, they
Speaker 4: always do this. It's always them. It's their fault, my ex,
Speaker 4: my mom my boss, my whatever, my car, my kids.
Speaker 3: My uh oh, you alreadys in my own? Yeah?
Speaker 4: What what is it? Where's the where's the you in
Speaker 4: all of this? You just let everything else in the
Speaker 4: world happen to you and you take it. Are you
Speaker 4: a punching bag, a dormount? What the fuck are you doing?
Speaker 3: A slave to the people around you?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 4: Where is your choices and your reactions and your responses
Speaker 4: and your fucking thought patterns? Are you capable of thinking
Speaker 4: for yourself?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 5: That's really what I hear in that when I hear
Speaker 5: it's everybody else's fault, I hear I have no free
Speaker 5: will and I am a slave to everything around me.
Speaker 3: What a pitiful existence.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, so you own your so if you own your interpretation,
Speaker 4: you own the results.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: Step five attempt clear communication before cutting someone off, make
Speaker 4: sure that they have been clearly told what is not acceptable. Guys,
Speaker 4: We've said.
Speaker 2: It over and over again.
Speaker 4: You need to be able to tell the person that
Speaker 4: you're cutting off why you're cutting them off, and not
Speaker 4: just ghosting them.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 2: You are doing.
Speaker 4: Both yourself and that person a disservice by not confronting
Speaker 4: the problem. If you don't, don't tell them what they're doing.
Speaker 4: They're going to do it to your siblings. They're going
Speaker 4: to do it to their friends, they're going to do
Speaker 4: it to their spouse, they're going to do it to
Speaker 4: other people because nobody's ever called them on their shit.
Speaker 4: And you're going to lay at wake at night going damn.
Speaker 4: I wonder if I should forgive them. I wonder if
Speaker 4: I should break radio silence. Right, Maybe they don't know
Speaker 4: what they did. Maybe I should give them another chance.
Speaker 4: So state it directly, what behavior is the issue, what
Speaker 4: needs to change, and what will you do if it
Speaker 4: does not. No hints, no passive statements, no expecting them
Speaker 4: to read your mind at the last couple's retreat we
Speaker 4: did in January. God, it's been since January. The last
Speaker 4: couples retreat in January. The big theme there was that
Speaker 4: people don't have honest conversations. They say half truths as
Speaker 4: if they're really spilling it, and then six months later,
Speaker 4: when nothing's resolved, they're like, well, we talked about this. Well,
Speaker 4: that's not what the conversation was, because you didn't have
Speaker 4: the conversation. You had parts of it, and you were
Speaker 4: hoping that they caught the vibe and that everything was
Speaker 4: just good now because they were tiptoeing around your physical
Speaker 4: or emotional, your emotional insecurities or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 4: You need to be very direct when having conversations so
Speaker 4: that people can choose to agree or disagree or act accordingly.
Speaker 4: And if they were never given a real opportunity to adjust,
Speaker 4: you have to actually skipped that step. Yeah, anything on
Speaker 4: step five.
Speaker 5: The only thing that I want to add on to
Speaker 5: this is once you've already done this, we're not saying
Speaker 5: that you have to continue trying to do this with
Speaker 5: a person, right, so none of this applies to you.
Speaker 5: If you have done these steps, there's no need to
Speaker 5: take this personally. We are not trying to force you
Speaker 5: to have a relationship with the person that you've decided
Speaker 5: to cut off already. This is purely there are people
Speaker 5: who lost and don't know how to handle this situation,
Speaker 5: and this is a really shitty situation to be in.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we get an email at least once a day
Speaker 4: asking if they should cut somebody out of their life. Yeah,
Speaker 4: every day an email come through, should I cut this
Speaker 4: person out of my life?
Speaker 2: My in laws have overstepped? What do I do?
Speaker 4: I'm thinking about going no contact with my kids? Like
Speaker 4: where my kids are? No contact with me?
Speaker 2: Whatever?
Speaker 4: Whatever, whatever, it's every day. So step six, set and
Speaker 4: enforce boundaries. First, no contact is not a first move,
Speaker 4: it's a final one. Set boundaries and follow through control access.
Speaker 4: Create distance without a full cutoff. Guys, listen to me,
Speaker 4: create distance without a full cutoff. This is a prime
Speaker 4: opportunity for you to lay all these things out. And
Speaker 4: when people are like, how can we know? Come around
Speaker 4: no more. Well, we had a whole lot of conversations
Speaker 4: about the things that you were doing that I wasn't
Speaker 4: okay with and you continue doing them. So I had
Speaker 4: to distance myself. Watch what happens when you start to
Speaker 4: enforce your boundaries. Do they just or do they escalate?
Speaker 4: Their response to your boundaries will tell you everything that
Speaker 4: you need to know.
Speaker 5: Amen, And I know there's a really big concern. How
Speaker 5: many more steps do you have? Uh?
Speaker 4: That was six? We have four more? Seventy nine to ten? Lied,
Speaker 4: He goes to twelve. I thought we were at ten.
Speaker 4: We have twelve.
Speaker 5: Okay, I want to say this while I'm thinking about
Speaker 5: because don't want to forget it. Sure, it's not really
Speaker 5: related to number six, but the whole process itself. There
Speaker 5: are people who will probably talk shit about you after you.
Speaker 3: Cut them off.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and a part of that process, a part of
Speaker 5: this whole process is not trying to control or change
Speaker 5: the narrative that they are spreading. These people are one
Speaker 5: hundred percent exposing themselves in all of this. And anybody
Speaker 5: who is willing to listen to the drama of a
Speaker 5: relationship that does not pertain to them is not somebody
Speaker 5: you want in your life anyway.
Speaker 3: Their opinions don't matter.
Speaker 2: So here here's here's a really good way to look
Speaker 2: at this.
Speaker 4: If somebody came up to me and said, oh my god,
Speaker 4: did you hear what Sean did and started trying to
Speaker 4: bash Shan. I don't want to hear that shit, right,
Speaker 4: that's my best friend. He's not here to defend himself.
Speaker 4: You need to shut the fuck up now. Somebody came
Speaker 4: up to me like, did you hear a Shawn diad?
Speaker 4: I'm go, know what did he do?
Speaker 2: Tell me? Give me all the tea? And then I
Speaker 2: come to you, Oh my god, did you a shon? Did?
Speaker 4: What does that say about the relationship that I have
Speaker 4: with Sean? That's not a friend, right, I'm fucking a
Speaker 4: scumbag at that point, running around fucking being a busy body,
Speaker 4: telling everybody else everybody else's business, not know what the
Speaker 4: fuck is going on. Yeah, you don't want people like
Speaker 4: that in your life. If they gossip to you, they'll
Speaker 4: gossip about you. You need to be very careful about
Speaker 4: what you say around people.
Speaker 5: It's been true every single time too, every time that
Speaker 5: there has not been a person in my past lives
Speaker 5: that I gossiped with that I did not end up
Speaker 5: finding out that they were also talking about me. Yep,
Speaker 5: And I couldn't be surprised by it because I'm also
Speaker 5: in here playing that game.
Speaker 2: Nope, but people still find a way to be hurt
Speaker 2: by it. Can't believe they did that to me.
Speaker 3: Right, Like I'm gonna be the one that they're loyal to.
Speaker 2: Thought what we had was special.
Speaker 5: Right, And that's talk from ego. It is I'm more
Speaker 5: superior than everybody else they're talking shit about. It's crazy,
Speaker 5: absolutely crazy, And.
Speaker 4: When you really think about that, that is a lot.
Speaker 4: It's a lot to work through, all right. Step seven,
Speaker 4: measure the cost to your life. Be honest about the impact.
Speaker 4: Is your piece consistently disrupt Is your mental health declining?
Speaker 4: Is your relationship with your partner or children affected? Because
Speaker 4: you are responsible for protecting your environment. If staying connect
Speaker 4: connected is actively damaging your life, you need to take
Speaker 4: stock of that. It matters like that's a big fucking deal.
Speaker 4: And that's one of those things that is a major
Speaker 4: tick on. Maybe this is time to separate ways.
Speaker 5: Repeat it one more time, beyond all of it, just
Speaker 5: the last one, the number seven.
Speaker 4: Okay, be honest about impact. Is your piece consistently disrupted?
Speaker 4: Is your mental health declining? Is your relationship with your
Speaker 4: partner or children affected? You're responsible for protecting your environment.
Speaker 4: If staying connected is actively damaging your life. That is
Speaker 4: take stock in that. Yeah, it matters.
Speaker 5: So you said mental impact and then family impact, and
Speaker 5: those are the two that stuck out to me, and
Speaker 5: I was hanging on to those, and I was trying
Speaker 5: to tune out the rust, but I paid attention, so
Speaker 5: you had to read it more time. Abuse isn't the word,
Speaker 5: so I'm not going to use that. That's the first
Speaker 5: thing that came to my mind, and try and describe this.
Speaker 5: If you overlook the detriment it does to your mental
Speaker 5: health or the detriment that it provides within your family's homeostasis.
Speaker 5: You are actively allowing in we could say satan, we
Speaker 5: could say.
Speaker 3: Demons, negative energies.
Speaker 5: That there is a bleeding is also not the word
Speaker 5: I want to say, because you're actively exchanging that energy
Speaker 5: right when you feed into that energy and you bring
Speaker 5: it back home and now you're anxious in word, and
Speaker 5: you're talking to your husband all night because I just
Speaker 5: can't understand why my mom act likes to acts like this.
Speaker 3: And then for like the.
Speaker 5: Next two weeks, you don't really want to leave the
Speaker 5: house with the kids because you can't eat. You're so
Speaker 5: anxious about this, and you're chewing gum and you're drinking
Speaker 5: water and can't sleep at night. It is an infiltration.
Speaker 5: That's a good word. You're allowing an infiltration into your
Speaker 5: guys's castle. So at a certain point, right, So now
Speaker 5: we're going to use the quote unquote terms of like
Speaker 5: victim and whatnot.
Speaker 3: You are no longer just a victim in this.
Speaker 5: I don't believe you're a victim in a roal relationship
Speaker 5: that's not extremely abusive, right, They're not getting their hand.
Speaker 5: This is like an overbearing mother, right right. If you
Speaker 5: are the quote unquote victim of the overbearing mother and
Speaker 5: then you allow that to bleed into the homeostasis, you
Speaker 5: are now the quote unquote perpetrator to the rest of
Speaker 5: the family.
Speaker 3: Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: This is when you know that somebody is doing something
Speaker 4: that's going to disrupt your family and your family has
Speaker 4: to pay the price for it. You are you are
Speaker 4: an accessory after the fact. Yep, you're allowing this thing
Speaker 4: to continue and now you are in on the crime.
Speaker 3: All right. I'm so glad that made sense.
Speaker 4: Step eight, remove fantasy from the equation. Stop expecting them
Speaker 4: to become who you wish they were.
Speaker 3: That was a hard one for me.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna read it again.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 4: Stop expecting them to become who you wish they were.
Speaker 4: You guys living in hopium. It's you guys are like
Speaker 4: you're living in a what if fantasy realm.
Speaker 2: This is fairy tale shit.
Speaker 4: Nobody is ever going to be the way that you
Speaker 4: want them to be simply because you wished for it
Speaker 4: hard enough or you loved them hard enough. People are
Speaker 4: going to be who they are because that's who they
Speaker 4: fucking choose to be. You said that was a hard
Speaker 4: one for you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I agree with everything that you just said, and
Speaker 5: that was a, like I said, a very hard thing
Speaker 5: for me to do.
Speaker 3: I'm I don't know how far back it goes, but.
Speaker 5: I know once television became a thing, we started getting
Speaker 5: sold stories of what family life is supposed to look like,
Speaker 5: what relationships are supposed to look like, what friendship is
Speaker 5: supposed to look like, and when you are in a
Speaker 5: less than desirable situation with a family member or a
Speaker 5: friend or a spouse, the idea of well, if they
Speaker 5: make millions of movies about it, it has to be true,
Speaker 5: right if they write so many books about it, Like
Speaker 5: I have to be able to find it somewhere, releasing
Speaker 5: that fantasy, releasing that idea of who this person could
Speaker 5: be right, because we see the dopest and everybody.
Speaker 3: Would get encounter right.
Speaker 5: We want to be able to see the good in
Speaker 5: them and have the benefit of the doubt and releasing
Speaker 5: that that idea of I know you can be this
Speaker 5: if only you wanted to be. This is like grieving
Speaker 5: a person's who's died, but that person never existed either.
Speaker 5: It's rough something that I'm still going through. It's gotten
Speaker 5: easier two three years now, and it's the grief doesn't
Speaker 5: get smaller, I get bigger.
Speaker 2: You'll always wonder if they've changed.
Speaker 4: Yeah, what happens if they've changed and I'm not willing
Speaker 4: to break radio silence and they're not either because I
Speaker 4: hurt them. There's a lot that goes into this is
Speaker 4: why this document was created. We created this months ago.
Speaker 4: We've been sitting on us for almost a year.
Speaker 5: Crazy To add on to that, if that person actually changed,
Speaker 5: I believe that they would break the radio signce because
Speaker 5: they would understand what the fuck they did for their
Speaker 5: relationship to come to a halt.
Speaker 4: At that point, it becomes about spite, yeah, which means
Speaker 4: there's still not growth, right, especially when the contact still happens.
Speaker 4: But it's instigate, it's I almost aid instigatory. That's not
Speaker 4: a word instigated and purgatory. But yeah, but if they're
Speaker 4: but if those messages and the radio silence is being
Speaker 4: broken with instigating provocative messages or phone calls or voicemails,
Speaker 4: there's not there's no growth there like that that instead
Speaker 4: of this, this, this and this, it could be Hey,
Speaker 4: I love you, just wanted you to know that, right,
Speaker 4: that would be that would be enough to break radio
Speaker 4: contact for almost anyone, right, Yeah, So you ask yourself,
Speaker 4: who are they? Consistently if nothing changed, could you accept
Speaker 4: the version of them for the rest of your life.
Speaker 4: If the answer is no, you're not making a decision
Speaker 4: about potential. You're making a decision about the reality that
Speaker 4: they have shown you over and over and over again.
Speaker 4: Anything else on that.
Speaker 5: One, there is a level of being grounded in reality
Speaker 5: that everybody has to be and that shit hurts. But
Speaker 5: as I said prior, the quote unquote the good thing
Speaker 5: or the quote unquote best thing for you is not
Speaker 5: always going to feel good.
Speaker 4: Nope, change was easy, everyone do it right? You only
Speaker 4: change when the discomfort of staying the same is greater
Speaker 4: than the discomfort of changing, so.
Speaker 3: And change is the only true constant in the world.
Speaker 2: Absolutely. Quantum physics proves that.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Step nine, prepare for the emotional consequences. No contact is
Speaker 4: not relief only it comes with weight. Guilt, grief, doubt,
Speaker 4: and second guessing are going to be a constant in
Speaker 4: your life. You are not just losing a person, You're
Speaker 4: losing the idea of what that relationship could have been.
Speaker 4: So be ready for that, or you will break your
Speaker 4: own boundary later.
Speaker 2: Hang on line.
Speaker 5: The emotional consequence is heavy. Right, We've touched on a
Speaker 5: bunch throughout this whole episode. Already, I choose the emotional
Speaker 5: burdens of did I make the right choice?
Speaker 3: Should I reach out?
Speaker 5: Right? And these are all I call them, the intrusive
Speaker 5: thoughts to continue to challenge right because this isn't the
Speaker 5: best choice for humanity, This isn't the best choice for society.
Speaker 3: Did I make the right choice for me?
Speaker 5: And like you asked, could I continue to tolerate the
Speaker 5: person that they were? And the answer every time is no?
Speaker 5: And that's all I need. All of the other did
Speaker 5: I do the right thing? Am I a bad friend?
Speaker 5: Am I a bad sister?
Speaker 3: Whatever? Fill in the blank.
Speaker 5: All of that I pinpoint as my emotional brain trying
Speaker 5: to infiltrate, and it could even be my hidden dark
Speaker 5: self sabotage is trying to reclaim the chaos of my
Speaker 5: life so I don't continue providing the good that I am,
Speaker 5: or providing the joy for myself and my family continuation
Speaker 5: on great things.
Speaker 3: I lost my train of thought. So I hope all
Speaker 3: of that was cohesive.
Speaker 4: It was safa Za morning, better late than ever. He
Speaker 4: hope everyone is doing well. I'm almost positive that that
Speaker 4: is our friend in South Africa. Might be wrong, I
Speaker 4: think so, but I'm almost positive it is.
Speaker 3: I think you. I'm almost positive you're correct.
Speaker 4: Okay, so number ten it is true. I hope all
Speaker 4: is well. We started doing live streams earlier in the morning.
Speaker 4: We're supposed to technically be live on YouTube right now publicly.
Speaker 2: Fuck them.
Speaker 3: We'll just get it later to that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we'll just take a break after this is done,
Speaker 4: and then we'll go live and explain why we were late.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Uh.
Speaker 4: Step ten, deside from stability not intensity. Do not make
Speaker 4: this decision in the middle of a fight or an
Speaker 4: emotional spike, sit with it, revisit your notes, look at patterns.
Speaker 4: When the emotions settle, do you still feel that the
Speaker 4: truth is the same. If yes, you are now closer
Speaker 4: to a real decision. This is just test, retest yep,
Speaker 4: okay uh. Step eleven, Make the decision and be definitive.
Speaker 4: If you choose no contact, commit to it, no half access,
Speaker 4: no emotional loopholes, no checking in when you feel lonely.
Speaker 4: Clarity create stability, and half measures create confusion. You are
Speaker 4: never going to do anything half step in.
Speaker 3: At least you shouldn't be right.
Speaker 4: Step twelve build what replaces the gap. You are not
Speaker 4: just removing something. You are creating space. Fill it with intention,
Speaker 4: healthy relationships, new support systems, and purpose driven action. If
Speaker 4: you are going to open up space in your life,
Speaker 4: you have to make sure that the space gets filled
Speaker 4: with quality. If you always do what you've always done,
Speaker 4: you will always get what you've always got. If you
Speaker 4: remove somebody that's super toxic and volatile and you replace
Speaker 4: that energy because you're missing it, you're just repeating a loop,
Speaker 4: and you're doing it to yourself.
Speaker 2: You are, at that point your own abuser.
Speaker 3: I agree with that.
Speaker 4: If you remove without replacing, you will feel the absence
Speaker 4: more than the peace. Final truth, no contact is not
Speaker 4: about punishment. It's about alignment. You are deciding what you
Speaker 4: allow in your life and what you do not. Some
Speaker 4: people will not meet you where you are going. Some
Speaker 4: people will not meet you where you are going. You
Speaker 4: are going to have to leave people behind sometimes in
Speaker 4: your life. It's not going to be easy. But if
Speaker 4: you want to get to where you're trying to go,
Speaker 4: sometimes you have to remove the weight to get there.
Speaker 3: Not willing to drown for somebody who won't stand up
Speaker 3: in three inches of water.
Speaker 2: That's it. That's it.
Speaker 4: That does not make you wrong. It makes you responsible
Speaker 4: for what's coming next. So if you are considering no contact,
Speaker 4: you need to slow down, go through these twelve steps,
Speaker 4: and be honest. Obviously, be honest with yourself. The goal
Speaker 4: here is not to cut people off. It's not what
Speaker 4: we're trying to do. We're trying to get you and
Speaker 4: the people around you to see the truth of their actions,
Speaker 4: the truth of the potential of your future and what
Speaker 4: may or may not have actually what will happen from
Speaker 4: either one of those decisions. The goal is to live
Speaker 4: in truth without betraying yourself. And that's our twelve checklist
Speaker 4: of going no contact with somebody, yep.
Speaker 3: That betrayal of self.
Speaker 5: That's truly the only betrayal that can ever happen in
Speaker 5: these situations. You deciding to end a relationship and cut
Speaker 5: somebody off is not a betrayal to them. That is
Speaker 5: holding them accountable for their actions and whatever repercussions and
Speaker 5: feelings they get because of this is what they have
Speaker 5: to deal with on their own. Some people have been
Speaker 5: coddled their whole fucking lives.
Speaker 2: YEP.
Speaker 5: I can think of people in their fifties and sixties
Speaker 5: now who have parents in their eighties and nineties who
Speaker 5: still baby the shit out of them because they cannot
Speaker 5: handle the maybe aggressive emotional reaction from their child.
Speaker 3: And that's what it is.
Speaker 5: You are. You are just a matured child. As as
Speaker 5: we grow, we master a lot of fucking things. And
Speaker 5: you're either going to master being a mature, emotionally intelligent,
Speaker 5: of service human being, not just to yourself but to others,
Speaker 5: or you are going to be a matured eight year
Speaker 5: old who continues to throw temper tantrums and will get
Speaker 5: upset when they don't get what they want and blame
Speaker 5: other people and all those other kinds of things.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 3: And that is not a betrayal to them.
Speaker 4: Those parents think that they're doing their children a kindness, yep,
Speaker 4: and I believe they're doing the exact opposite. If you die,
Speaker 4: you have a grown dependent. What's going to happen if
Speaker 4: they've never had the opportunities to fail and have to
Speaker 4: pick themselves back up. If you don't have an estate
Speaker 4: or real money put away, and they're living off the
Speaker 4: the kindness or the charity of what you've been doing
Speaker 4: and you're no longer there, they are fucked.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 4: You need to let them fail and learn to pick
Speaker 4: themselves up and dust themselves off. And like it's this
Speaker 4: is this feels like, you know, we're talking about somebody
Speaker 4: who's probably in their twenties, it doesn't know how to
Speaker 4: tie their shoes yet. Like that's how that feels when
Speaker 4: we talk about grown men who were women for that matter,
Speaker 4: who still live at home with their parents.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2: There's nothing else for this episode.
Speaker 1: Yeap.
Speaker 4: Guys, don't don't take the decision to cut somebody off lightly.
Speaker 4: It's it's it's a big decision.
Speaker 3: Its life changing.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, As always, guys, remember you were the author
Speaker 4: of your own life, so grab a pen and we
Speaker 4: will see you on the next one.
Speaker 3: Bye guys,