Speaker 1: Conny gather roul Dirty can he can.
Speaker 2: Join the questing is uncharted, join the.
Speaker 3: Icy blasted Six writers face off by a roll of
the dice til fight.
Speaker 1: Dirty leave nothing behind but fingerpits and a tall tale,
stealing cart breaking farts with plenty of time to kill
and icy.
Speaker 3: Maasters ten dis always sing and know the camp be
dasty Bastards, John and join the enticing Bastard. Hey, there
are any Devens Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to the
next episodes of Authors and Dragons Present the Dicey Bastards.
Not quite season three, We're still in that mid between.
It doesn't matter well. On Moron Connie's Crazy Holiday Heights,
Part three, I'm in Ky Gibson, your dungeon Master, author
of Villain's Rule to Beat the Devil in more. Who
do we have us today? The players you know in love.
Let's start with the one we love the most.
Speaker 4: Robert Bevan, Hello, friends, Robert Bevin here, author of the
Caverns and Creature series of comedy fantasy novels or short stories.
And uh in real life, I play the role of
the sorcerer, the sorcerer with the most and uh And
there you go. Happy birthday.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was your birthday recently.
Speaker 4: Birnt recurd me. I'm just saying it's something random that.
Speaker 3: Was I'm another trip around the sun for our friend
the sticky Wizard. All right, loving sticky Wizards. Up next
is mister wall Terry Rick. How are you, sir?
Speaker 5: I'm kind of feeling like sloppy aconds thirds or fourth
since obviously you love Bob the most.
Speaker 3: Now and I said we, I didn't say I. I
said we the people I mean listened to do you have? Well,
you know what he has.
Speaker 5: So I'm my own sloppy seconds.
Speaker 6: That's nice.
Speaker 3: We'll put you in this one. People show up at
the people shipping mood costumes and you get the rewards.
They show up in George forcasts, but they do make
sure that there's always a cutout of Rick wall Tiery
at a convention. Okay, so you are number two that.
Speaker 5: They put things in its mouth. I know how it is.
Speaker 3: Anyway, toilet and in the stalls.
Speaker 5: Yeah, my name is Rick Quiltier and I play moog
Face theater and I'm not doing the voice right now
because I just at the time of this recording, I've
just comeitting from shoveling this note three times, and if
I do the moved voice, I'm probably gonna dive a
heart attack. In real life, I've read several things, but
my newest book out there is Mike the Werewolf horror
comedy with werewolves. Duh, go check it out.
Speaker 3: And Mike's yeah, I saw it hit that I saw
it hit. Congratulations, sir, uh Next up, I guess. Third
in our Hearts is Drew Hayes, tallest of the group.
How you feeling certain right in the middle?
Speaker 6: You know that's that's not a small accomplishment in this
group for those of you all have never been to
like an A and d con we're some tall motherfuckers.
Speaker 2: But yes, Emily, I'm bringing the average way down.
Speaker 6: She and Rachel stand on each other's shoulders. We count
them as one, and they tower over all of us.
Speaker 3: Well, there's like if we were when we all stand
there were like like me, Bob are all like like
six foot muscular bald men, and like and and Drew
were like your backup dancers.
Speaker 6: Well, I am Drew Hayes, author of books such as Superpowered, Spread,
The Vampire Accountant, NPC's Five Minute Sherlock, and Roverpowered, which
has a new one coming out soon. Uh and I
play done, done, done, Oh my god, I forgot, my god,
there we go done cavert the cab. Drew wisenter now
Hashoes give him flaming hooves and if you stand in
his way, your skull will be dented with grooves.
Speaker 3: How high?
Speaker 6: Now?
Speaker 3: All right, that's all I have, speaking of high care nation.
Emily Kaplan, how are you, ma'am?
Speaker 2: Hi, I'm good. I'm a tapropos that we're doing some
more of ice day. Actually, since so much of the
country is being snowed on, I'm lucky enough that we
just have icy rain down here, I guess, so staying indoors,
I am I m Kaplan online and I write Josie
Tucker Mysteries and a new mystery series coming out with
Arsenic and alibis. In the second book, Larceny in Lies,
and today I'm playing Claudia who knows how to check
for traps?
Speaker 3: Will there be a third one like leather and feathers
it is?
Speaker 2: I forgot what the third one is called, but I
have I have it like mocked up already.
Speaker 3: I don't know because if your friend Reach gets involved
to become spicy, so I think like feathers and leather,
but that does not matter. That's a dumb joke. AnyWho
sit Steve, save us. How are you doing, sir?
Speaker 1: Uh No, I shan't. I shall let this awkward silence
just ring out. Hi there, I'm Steve Werell, and I
place Stan Dan deliver a gentleman fief of the oldest
school in real life. I right, the Brandon fire Master books,
the latest of which Brandon Phi Master beats up Dracula
should be coming soon.
Speaker 3: Like the little rumble there, and like, so how the
kickstarter go? We we are we we hit the number.
It's coming really good side.
Speaker 1: If you backed it, you're likely to receive a Brandon
fire Master book, possibly an audio copy by the amazing
Wally Shreks, and probably a bonus copy of everyone you
level Beaten by Waves, because I like to throw a
little curse in with my good will.
Speaker 3: Oh that's nice.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's gonna be an audio version of that
coming out soon. Man, I don't fire.
Speaker 3: Plug away, sir, plug away? All right, before we get
into the game, I want to take a moment remind
everybody that you're not part of the ad family. Well,
fuck you you're missing out, So head overybody Patreon dot com,
slash Authors and Dragon check out the various tears and perks.
Two bucks a month you want to Discord. Five bucks
a month gets you onto more Discord channels, plus be
able to be here live while we record this. It's
a hoot, like just like the guy who's is a John. Oh,
that's another thing right now, John. Oh, welcome buddy. If
you want to some of our merchandise, head over to
Authors and Dragons dot Dasherie dot com. We're working with
Dashery now for some of our cool gear. All right,
with the shilling out of the ways, everybody, also want
to plug it before we get into the game.
Speaker 1: Oh we're making a card game. Yeah, that's that's gonna
be launched soon as well. Kickstart, keep an eye outright plugged.
Speaker 3: The greetings All this is Conney stands conscious. Oh we
last left the diceing bastards. They infiltrated Santus Fortress through
the sleigh hole, tickled some savage tensil, skulped past some
sleeping servants, and now they've come upon a workshop full
of imprisoned elves. Or are they move and that's why
I pick up. Yep, I'm gonna se how much you'll
actually remember. I'm not giving you any details, which is
gonna jump right in. Uh.
Speaker 1: Technically it was still in the holiday period, I guess,
I mean mentally, I still am. I'm still hungover.
Speaker 3: So yes, yes, uh for the fans of the thing.
Yet we never finished this little micro advantage, and god,
we're gonna finish before we actually pick up a season
three with them actually getting on with the actual mission.
So probably this episode in the next will probably be
the last bits of this particular holiday adventures. So we
opened up here. You guys had just gotten done getting
past the tinsel and the uh and the sleeping reindeer.
You roll, but you you stealthy your way through. It
was a great time of rolling to see how far
you get. I kept telling you to hurry up and
then make you roll. I was a bad DM, but
I had fun doing it. I think the fans did too.
So now you are in uh, this big giant cavern
where there are a lot of enslaved elves are hard
to work making second rate toys. They are tired, they
are work, they're they're sleeping. Conditions are miserable. It smells
like sawdust and shit, because this is like business. This
is where they live, eat, sleep and defecates. Give me
and there's a path directly to the north and sticking
out the wall. Again is more of that crazy tinsel detext.
If you're being naughty or nice.
Speaker 5: Up to give me? Yes, it would be nice if
you remember your own game. There's obviously a lot of
orks here, enslaved making hi.
Speaker 3: I intimated that when I said a lot of the
prison delves or are they moved? I have you recall
that someone checked the tape? Yes, I was right, all right?
Speaker 4: Moving on, Gibby, why is mister Rogers here?
Speaker 3: If you recall that someone dit on the mask of
many faces and try to become the nicest thing possible
to get by.
Speaker 2: He's only wearing a sweater and slippers apparently, though.
Speaker 3: For a period of time you were Norman Baits too.
Speaker 6: Won't you be my neighbor?
Speaker 2: Do you think, elf? Do you think el feces is
really small?
Speaker 3: Like I think it has like just like hollidberries in
it and jelly beans.
Speaker 2: Basically, yeah, don't eat the black ones.
Speaker 1: Elves? Oh my god, well, Jesus, dirty Eddy of them really, but.
Speaker 5: Mug is supposed to be the awful one speaking fucking
move on, Speaking of which, Mug is going to step
forward to this orc right here.
Speaker 3: Yep, this little tiny's like two and a half foot work.
Speaker 5: Ye look him, look him up and down, and then
we'll say, no self respecting orc whatever, allow for himself
to be a slave, and smash him with my with
orphan switter.
Speaker 3: Okay, he is dirty, chained up, sleeping, painful, bleary eyed,
and you hit him and he's like you don't even
need to, Like this is like popping a water balloon, splush,
like you just carve this thing down.
Speaker 6: In a way, Moog is untradictable, but in a way
he is also returned to his natural patterns, which failing life, intradictable.
Real real gem of a guy there.
Speaker 3: What's funny is like you see that, Okay, do me
a favorite, give me a performance role with advantage?
Speaker 6: Sure? Twice eleven?
Speaker 3: Uh eleven is fine. I mean it's it's above average.
It's like it got the attentions to people around and
like several of the ones I stay stopped like they're
pounding their cassola and they're painting. Really they stop, and
they're like, look over, look at you. Look what you
just did. And some of the orcs, like a couple
of like a couple of orcs quote unquote to your
right there, who's sleeping, like lift their heads and look
up and see the puddle. They see you see that?
Me me, me next me? Oh god, please yesk me
me meet no me me, not me me kill met me?
And and it starts, it's starting to catch. It starts
and there's a rolling thing of all these l's braising
their hand. Please please kill me, gibbe.
Speaker 1: This raises an interesting ethical conundrum. What does the tinsil
that consent it's good or bad intentions do when mood kills.
Speaker 3: It's very weird because like they see it's like no,
it's it's all right now nothing, it's not out of malice.
Speaker 1: It doesn't know what the fig It's much like every
fucking single person listening to this podcast.
Speaker 3: It's it's not like it's like huh, like it's not
done out of ten. You're not trying to steal anything,
you're not trying to be naughty. You're you're returning this
like this orc would rather you'd rather see this orc
dead and orc culture than and these apparently these orcs
are begging to die.
Speaker 1: So right at the moment, eh, yeah, it seems to
be a consent issue. This is a this is kind
of like a right to die issue. Is this what
this episode is going to be about? This holiday episode?
Speaker 3: Now, the ones who stop working and like they're doing,
the tentsil starts turning around like startists giving them microsapps
to get them to back to work. So the tentils
starting to like zap those like the ones are trying
to get out of bed. Note you get in bed
your sleeping time and it's your working time. So the
Tinsil is actually like, hey, hey, get back to your jobs,
either sleep or work.
Speaker 1: One of the twos well, everyone, and it's quite the
entrance into the sleigh factory. This is the most depressing
I stay I've ever had.
Speaker 6: I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: It's going quite well. Right up until that point.
Speaker 2: Claudia sees all these little elves raising their little hands
and she will go to where am I.
Speaker 3: You're right behind the bear, okay.
Speaker 2: This one right here up there, and she's just going
to assume that they're asking to be free because they're
all raising their hands. So she would like to try
to pick the lock of the chain on this one.
Speaker 6: I mean, in a way, they're asking to be free,
eternally free.
Speaker 1: Freed from the multiple coil.
Speaker 6: Uh, you know, go for it.
Speaker 3: You start to you start to pick the lock, the
tinsil over here starts to shift and move. That's wait
a minute, I think I'd asking for free. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I started to think this tintil is uh not the
stolewall moral indicator. I assumed it was. It's okay with
his killing the the imprisons, but not freeing the imprison
All right.
Speaker 4: Well, while she's doing that, I want to go try
and open a present.
Speaker 6: Go for it?
Speaker 3: Which words? When are you going to hell? Okay, you
go over there and you start opening a present, and uh,
you look down at the present and it's a it's table.
It says Timmy. On the side of the package, it
says titty Timmy. All right, that's for Timmy Johnson. Okay, okay,
I didn't know what I was in for opening. All right,
you start opening the package, and the tinsil reactions that's
not yours.
Speaker 4: The same tensil that's reacting to Claudia.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 3: Well, so there's a tinsil above you to the north
and the one to the Claudia. It's like the wond
over here is in the ones that kind of rustling
when Claudia is like, I was trying to go for
the thing, but now it's like it's you're getting there.
There's three major tensions in here and they're getting you.
You're getting attention of them. So you're doing something. You're
taking something that's not yours and it didn't do anything
when to kill the Elta never killed the Orc. Nope,
this seems like a pretty good win here. You can
see into your pure hots Yes pure, it doesn't have
to mean good basically yes, like you are freeing it.
It wants to die. George was taking something that's not
his and he knows it all right, Like Coloni wants
to set them free and that's fine, but they don't
want to be free. They want to die.
Speaker 5: Moo wish to set them free as well. Because the
embarrassment to orc world is.
Speaker 3: Because they're tiny? Is it because they're little? Wait a minute,
like I needed to take your actions here. Why why
are you freeing them or why you quote freeing them?
Speaker 6: Well?
Speaker 5: They they tiny, they weak, they've given up. They obviously
happy to be filed these slaves.
Speaker 6: That not orkway. All right?
Speaker 3: So in ORG culture, would you be happy if someone
that you had done this and someone came a loss
and kills you. Is this something you would have wanted?
Speaker 6: Of course?
Speaker 3: Okay, well then you know what, it's a pure action.
Then I'm a guy. I can't do a thing about.
Speaker 5: It's like cool Moog would not have wound up in situation,
because even if Mug was captured, Moog would give them
plenty of reasons to kill Mug.
Speaker 6: Now that I think we can all agree with.
Speaker 1: That's a holiday message we can all take home.
Speaker 6: Uh So, now Kabert is sitting there going all right.
So if I'm understanding this correctly, we have to figure
out the most ethical and efficient way to kill all
of these elves begging for death.
Speaker 3: Or you could just leave the room. You could just
go north and just leave it, leave them to be.
You don't to the problem with that is.
Speaker 6: That I'm afraid now that if I abandoned a bunch
of creatures begging for help, the tenseil is gonna think
that's naughty.
Speaker 3: You didn't do anything like it's neutral.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's like I think we can kill several
dozen elves with one stone. Give me how a they attached?
They all like attached to a chain line. That's how
I didn't say.
Speaker 3: There seems to be like a chain line going down
just starting from the north up here. That are they're
all attached to some to some capacity, you know. So yeah,
all the way down and then to here, and the
ones who are sleeping are similar. They're given enough space
to like lay on a cot or a bed with
all these broken beds, or on a match on these rugs.
Speaker 6: Does anyone have a car battery?
Speaker 1: Well, somebody got somebody definitely has some kind of lightning spell, right,
you know what.
Speaker 6: Let me let me check my uh, let me check
my spell sheet. It's been a while.
Speaker 2: We have a bunch of electrical tinseil.
Speaker 1: I was going to suggest letting them go and then
like moving north in the chaos of elves being electrocuted
by tencil. But if you're saying we just electrocute like
thirty elves Christmas, so it helps.
Speaker 3: Him one go, I think that will be funny. So
please let us die, please please. There's by the way,
they're still bagging, like, let us die like a cod
they make us work. We don't. I'm so tired. Knock well,
you can still be useful, you know.
Speaker 4: If one goes out, the whole strand goes out.
Speaker 3: Like Christmas lights.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: The only mass spell I have is thunderwave. So if
nonough of them could gather around me, I could essentially
just force blast them to pieces.
Speaker 6: I think they're locked into position. Is that understanding?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 6: Yeah, all right, I guess Kabert will just go over
and uh, with his flaving horseshoes, just horse kick one
to death. That the spirit.
Speaker 3: If you line it up right, you can probably back
kick and knock out two of them with one shot.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, I guess
at this point that's all we can do.
Speaker 3: They lean into it. It's like it's ever seen like
a sad cat lean into the gun, you know, like
it you know, like uh yeah, but.
Speaker 6: Even if I didn't mind it up, the other one
tries to get in the spray exactly.
Speaker 3: Uh, I might get I'm not even gonna make you
roll Cobert. It's just rear up.
Speaker 4: The sad cow leaning into the gun really a thing.
Speaker 3: It is for the sake of this narrative.
Speaker 6: Okay, just kind of turn around so I'm not facing Kaboo.
Speaker 5: Moo is inspired by by Cobert. He remembers that he
has two hands that are like you know, that are
super hot. He'll do is He'll go here and grab
two of them by the face and just hold them
until they stop fuss, squirming.
Speaker 3: Dashing through the el's crushing all their heads.
Speaker 6: Do do do? Do? Do? Releases you from pathetic life.
Speaker 3: You can probably put on like a weapon in each
hand and just run.
Speaker 6: Like Cobert is very exasperated and wearing it openly on
his face.
Speaker 3: Cabert, you can line up, you stand there, you look away,
you know, uh, you rear up, kick out and yeah,
they kind of like you hear like pop pop, like
just it's just splush and there's a spray of like
multi colored u elf blood onto the wall behind you.
Speaker 1: I'm still choosing them to believe that they explode into
a shower of jelly beans.
Speaker 3: It's like skittles just hit the thing and like uh
and then like the tense again. You didn't You're you're
in your heart of hearts, Cobart, are you doing something
naughty or nice?
Speaker 6: I mean nice? As the facial resources says He doesn't
really want to do this, but he's like, well, I
guess I have to. If they're begging for death, it
is I can't. In the same way, if they were
begging for water, I wouldn't not conjure water.
Speaker 5: They're like, yay, yay, will I will point out that
that the count If they were begging for water and
you drowned them, that would technically.
Speaker 6: Be uh you know.
Speaker 3: The elves is like I didn't was was begging for war?
Speaker 7: Dare you look back over your shoulder and you see
two headless like old body slumped down and like you
know again skittll like gicker across the table there and
they the body slumped out in Your hooves are like
kind of just hot steaming, and the smell it's kind
of like, you know, because your your your Hell brand hooves.
Speaker 6: Oh there's a reason I used the Hell brand hose.
I figure it suck off anything that.
Speaker 3: Stuff basically, and it's just but it's also like that
hot smell of like you know, just you you're like
just like baked pie because it's just hot fruit at
this point. So yeah, it's yeah, it almost a cookie.
It was like a cookie smell, So yeah.
Speaker 6: All right, that's not so bad.
Speaker 4: I want to be morally neutral, So while I'm opening
this present, I would also like to reveal to the
nearest self you do what. I'm trying to remain morally neutral.
So while I open the present that's not mine, I
want to reveal my wonder to the nearest elf.
Speaker 3: Your censor bar gets in the way, and if you're
opening a present that's not yours, the the there it
is going to shoot a a little bit lightning bolt
at you.
Speaker 6: For stealing what sensor bar?
Speaker 3: Yeah, your big dick bar that floats with fun shocks.
Oh man, the thing that gives you plus three. And
so you try to you open your roades. Your robe's
already open. You are again, you have a nineteen constitution.
Now you are very muscular, you're very jack. You try
to swing around to show everybody you're a wonder. The
center bar slips right in front of you and prevents
any sightings. You open the present that's not yours, Little
Timmy Timerson, you open up, you see like a really
shoddily made baseball mit, and one of the tintil beam
shoots at you with a plus four to hits is
a fifteen hit you.
Speaker 4: I don't think so, but let me check. Uh, you
have a fifteen the bar I have have a fifteen
armor class.
Speaker 3: Okay, So the lightning bolt hits you for it's a
little one, so it's it's D eight. So you take
an additional three points of lightning damage.
Speaker 2: I think you cast some kind of armor spell on
yourself too.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you did put on major armor, so never mind.
My armor classes a little bit higher than that.
Speaker 3: Then okay, then major major armorer is a fifteen and
then plus three from your bar. So she give you
an eighteen. So missus okay, lighting book goes wide.
Speaker 4: Damn it, elf, look at my use your imagination. I'm
trying to be it's good.
Speaker 3: Kill me please.
Speaker 6: This is worst.
Speaker 8: This is worst of the life with your big black bar.
Oh okay, Well, they make us work, They never let
us rest. Well, sleep in a little bit.
Speaker 3: Creatures. We just want to die. We'll come back at
another time. It doesn't we'll reconstitute somewhere else, but will
We're chained here. We can't our form stay. If you
just want to get off this island, please kill us, please.
Speaker 6: I want to die.
Speaker 4: You need to make a better baseball Mint.
Speaker 3: Fucking asshole. He you say that, Tom, he peaches out
and he tries to punch you in the dick. He
tries to swing past. He's mad. Now, hangle on. This
guy's gonna let me see. Uh he misses, but he
swings at you. Uh. What is the worst Christmas gift
you ever got for jorcepher course ice day gift?
Speaker 4: I don't know. So what some cigarette burns?
Speaker 6: All right?
Speaker 3: So he's as he swings at you. You you are
filled with the memory of cigarette burns from your childhood.
Speaker 6: Oh well, that's weird.
Speaker 3: Uh you know what I think.
Speaker 1: Stan is deduced that these aren't actual elves, or indeed
actual orcs. He's also going to introduce that there is
currently enough moral complexity going on that he can probably
just walk through this room, which is what he's going
to do. All right, They're gonna be sorry. Lad's the
problems systemic?
Speaker 6: So you liked it.
Speaker 3: It's not naughty, it's not nice. You're just existing, So
no problems. You walk right on past. The tenseil does
not bother you.
Speaker 1: Once again, the power of complete indifference.
Speaker 5: Yeah, this gift suck. I'll follow Stan move is on
a mission of mercy to spare the entire Orc race
from the embarrassment of these, uh, these pathetic creatures. So
they'll stick around for however many, however many rounds it
takes to.
Speaker 3: Just how about this, they'll if they if you hold
up your axe, they'll line up.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, that will lead if the joelst and go.
I know this is horrifying, but it is nice. The
same move happy on ice day. Look at him, Look
at the glow in his cheeks.
Speaker 4: Georgier's not feeling the ice stage here. He had some
bad memories bubble up.
Speaker 3: Oh so yeah, all the sleeping orbs get off their beds,
and they like the tinsils like kind of probing, like Harry, hurry.
If we die, we'll we get to leave this island.
Finally we'll come back. We'll go back to our own homes.
Please just do it.
Speaker 6: Do it?
Speaker 3: And he starts and then at again, and they started
yelling at you and Elvis, do it, do it?
Speaker 6: Do it? Do it?
Speaker 5: Now is more confused. He's like, He's like, these pathetic Orcs,
they've accepted their servittude, and now that and and and
now they're speaking in Elvish.
Speaker 6: Now no, Moove's motivated. Okay, all right, so just.
Speaker 5: Run down the line Gleefley sending heads flying.
Speaker 3: Give me, just give me an athletics roll with advantage.
I want to see how far, how many how many
do you get through? Like how many licks of this
TUTSI rul center do you get?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 3: So twenty twenty two, dude, you started what and it
is like yep, it is a being there they go
bing there they go pop, popup pop, and you run
all the way down and it's shop. You all watch
with macab glee. Whatever your particular thing happens to be
as moved, just beheads what appears to be like, you know,
eighteen or more l's in a row. We think this
best ice day ever. It is like the spray, the icker,
the blood and then like after a while, their body
starts to disappear. They're like they fade away into uh
multiple rainbow nothingness, compar same thing with yours. So and
there's all the ones who are still working. Do you
want to like leave those guys to work or do
you want to go on more of a murder spree?
Speaker 6: Now I'm I'm committed to this. Like I've heard of
them now begging for death I'm just gonna go around
and pop these next two tops. Okay, the world may
never know.
Speaker 3: Pick up your stride, Claudia, what do you want to do.
Speaker 2: There's no treasure in here. She's gonna go with.
Speaker 3: There's plenty of toys. There's there's loot everywhere.
Speaker 2: It looks like crap though it's not.
Speaker 1: Well made, Fellows, there's still time to tell the day around.
We'll find something we can steal.
Speaker 3: They actually spilled out help in the blocks in the
north there.
Speaker 4: So yeah, I'm to carry on book. I thought it's held,
and damn it, I know that.
Speaker 3: With the power of indifference. Stand in his cruise broken
George for walk on by while Cabert Moog continue their
path of destruction. Cobert, I don't know what your soul
feels like. I don't know. I don't you like a
roll for this if you feel good.
Speaker 6: Bad, it's just very like another fucking day, it feels,
you know what my soul feels like. My soul feels
like a Wednesday in the middle of uh. What's a
good stretch of time with like no fucking time off?
Like let's say August, oh.
Speaker 3: Like oh, I would say, or March like it's like
a few days, a few months after the holidays. It's
like it's a rainy, cold Wednesday.
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's just I'm just doing my fucking job, all right,
I'm an adventurer. There's things begging for dead but getting dirty.
Speaker 1: That that's where my soul basically has the same anyone
else who has to work over the holidays.
Speaker 6: Yeah, the bear is lighting a cigarette and smoking very
begrudgingly as he murders these oldest.
Speaker 3: Oh thank you, oh God.
Speaker 5: Bringing up bad memories is humming ice day hit like
you know, songs.
Speaker 6: Very different types of Christmas celebration.
Speaker 3: You look over and Moog has just got this this
look of glee on his face.
Speaker 6: You know, is a kid Keber is a working single father.
Speaker 3: Moves have to look at the face of the kid
who like, who actually won the toys?
Speaker 6: R Uss?
Speaker 3: You have eight minutes to get as many toys as
you went into the basket, like competition.
Speaker 5: God, right, the fucking dream right, excepts.
Speaker 3: And I don't even know.
Speaker 6: That they're outfheads.
Speaker 3: Well your friends do, and that's what matters.
Speaker 6: Okay, they actually do that free or was that like
the McDonald's.
Speaker 3: Nod do it?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 3: Actually they they've done it, even televised some of it,
Like like there was that one Oh his name, I
think his name is Dan Reichert. He was a he's
a war for Giant bombs. It was the video game podcast.
He did it, and he's one of those. Yeah it's
a thing.
Speaker 6: Oh man, that makes it worse somehow, right, all.
Speaker 1: Right, presumably these are sinsula now morally confused enough that
we can just sort of walk out of here.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, no, you walk right on by, you guys,
walk right on by, because again you you were doing
good things, you.
Speaker 6: Know, and anything. We're positive on karma right now, right,
which is fucking weird.
Speaker 3: So as you guys beget the you you're you start
to navigate your way. You passed through that workshop up
like the stone corridor, and you're like you're trying to
smell fresh air in the head ahead. So you're coming
up out of the cave system of this of this
uh of this fortress on this island, and you smell
like fresh flowers and and furs and trees and uh
like holly berries and like you're some like mistletoe and peppermint,
and you start come up on to the up outside
of this cave system. You see ahead of you, there
is a beautiful mansion in the distance past these rock
formations as you come around the corner, like you see
ahead of you like this a red brick house with
with slate with red slate, shingles, bows and wreaths and garlands.
Ahead of the distance there is a snowy path leads in.
It is crisp in his air is fresh, it is nice,
it is refreshing after all that blood and skittle blood,
And ahead you see two ten foot tall snowman standing guard.
They don't notice you yet, and there's a rock formation
on either side, so you could like there are various
ways in, but assonably one pathway in is like right
up there. Why would they notice?
Speaker 6: Is I see?
Speaker 1: Have we noticed that they are not quite ordinary snowmen?
Speaker 3: Well yeah, they definitely because they have like vicious teeth
a hat.
Speaker 1: They could just be Calvin snowman.
Speaker 3: I don't know, like like like claw hands. I was
letting you know, like you guys are like you were
smart enough, Like you have a couple of rogues in
your party who are like, okay, you you weren't you
were invading someone's fortress homes so you're not throwing stupid
Just like dude, Mosey walks. Sian will whisper to the
rest of the crew.
Speaker 1: If one of them always lies and one of them
always tells the truth, then kick them in the knots
and just run away.
Speaker 6: And that's what I do.
Speaker 2: Claudia will start to mosey walk down the center.
Speaker 3: Right down the middle.
Speaker 5: Okay, go for do snowmen have snowballs?
Speaker 1: We'll find out.
Speaker 2: She couldn't get about probably this far. Okay, are they
doing anything?
Speaker 5: They see you now?
Speaker 1: So yes, here is good at disarming traps in the
same way that rolling a dustin down a hill is
good at.
Speaker 6: The same.
Speaker 3: Uh, they see you both move, they move this way,
they move this way, and uh, both of them reach
into their own bodies, pull out a snowball, one in
each chant and they throw that. You see a four
snowball attacks coming at you. Two of balls, all right,
So one's a natural one then whiffs right pad you'll
see through that hits, but so plus six to hit.
So a twenty three, a natural twenty and a twenty four. Yeah,
they hit Jesus.
Speaker 1: Okay, damn, Claudia, ask him what the one would say.
Speaker 6: Ask what if he sucked the other's wife.
Speaker 3: All right, you take twenty two cold damage ice damage,
and you're also you're gonna get another one because one
was a natural twenty So bump, bump another force to
make us twenty six cold damage. You are and with
the amount that hit you, you are currently uh stunned.
You are frozen in place. Give me a actually, give
me a constitution saving throw, well just the smart way.
Speaker 2: Okay, see you're saving through con yep.
Speaker 3: You're fine.
Speaker 2: Twenty five.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're not frozen in place, but you're gonna you're
gonna move at half speed for the next uh one round? Okay, okay,
so the next on your next turn, I bet yeah,
up until the end of your next turn, you'll be
moving at half speed.
Speaker 6: You are.
Speaker 3: It's very cold, you go blah and uh yeah uh
the rest of you guys, I guess they're saying it's on. Okay,
man's uh oh hang on real fast. There was a
natural one.
Speaker 6: Let's see.
Speaker 3: So it went past Claudia, and who's gonna who's gonna
shoot at one two three four? Uh three one two
three That be Moog And so Moog does a twenty
two hit you twenty two. Yeah, that does so with
past Claudia and smack you dead in the face for
two D six cold damage will do.
Speaker 2: He's probably like dripping with like blood and.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what a monster bear like cold damage snowball right
in the face for cold damage and give me a
constitution saving throw eleve it. Uh, you are stunned this round.
You're frozen like it hits you and it's iced over.
You're facing your stunt that you are frozen there for
this round you cannot move.
Speaker 6: It's more stunted because it's how.
Speaker 3: Rude you guys watching this. One of the things that
whips past Claudia's head hits moving, the face pop and
the ice goes and over his face and he has stopped.
He is locked in the place there for a second.
Speaker 6: So I'm pretty sure that was slushball, not snowball.
Speaker 1: Well, Lad's walking towards them slowly didn't work. I think
we need a plan date.
Speaker 4: Are we doing an initiative or you know, I go
for it, Go for initiative.
Speaker 3: I'll up the where's the little turn order turn order?
Speaker 6: Go for it?
Speaker 3: You should you.
Speaker 4: Click on yourself, re click on your initiative. All right,
Georgia gets a four, who gets sixteen?
Speaker 6: Kabert gets a fifteen.
Speaker 1: Twenty for Stan Snowman go on to seven. When it
comes to Moog's fire arms and kebetz funny, who are
they going to they count as any kind of weapon
damage to the.
Speaker 3: Other hot Oh yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 6: One.
Speaker 3: Uh Claudia, did you click on yourself first? Claudia, you
did not? Okay, that's fine, I'll just add you Claudia
got a sixteen? And who else went?
Speaker 4: I didn't click on myself either.
Speaker 3: Now I'll put you on there, all right, So stand
and deliver. The top of the order is a twenty europe. Okay,
that's a great deal.
Speaker 1: I can do. But draw fire, I suppose. Yeah, I
will just use my turn to move over here and
I will take a bonus s action.
Speaker 6: Two.
Speaker 3: I guess be ready to dodge. So you think the
dodge action okay, yeah, okay, not a problem. So they
have disadvantage on their attacks against you.
Speaker 6: Cool.
Speaker 3: Uh. Next up is Claudia. Claudia, you're standing out there
and you are a moving half speed for the rest
of this turn.
Speaker 2: What if I dash? Is that just like a normal speed?
Speaker 3: Against that, all your movement is halfed.
Speaker 2: Okay, she will see stand dodging, and she will also uh,
you ready to dodge?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I can move out away at it? All right?
Speaker 4: What does dodger look like if nobody's.
Speaker 5: Attacking, It's like an interpretive dance.
Speaker 2: It's a crouch. I don't know.
Speaker 3: Gopaera just getting ready like Eddye Gordo attacking. Yeah, stat
of Clodia just simultaneously stopped. Break that dance off of
the fucker media. She'd like to not taking our rec.
Speaker 2: Center shooting arrow at this one over here.
Speaker 3: Okay, go for it. Well you can't. You can't prepare
to dodge. Can you think the dodge?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, I think you can take the dodge as a
cutting action after attacking.
Speaker 3: Right, is dodge a cutting action?
Speaker 6: Let me check?
Speaker 3: It's dash? You can hide, you can disengage, you can dash,
you can be able to dodge.
Speaker 6: Let me check.
Speaker 3: I think you can hide. I don't think you can.
Speaker 1: Uh, that's hide.
Speaker 6: The triple ds would make sense in a alliteration spec
probably not all right? Uh class feature or you can dash,
disengage or hide. Yeah, those are the three okay, e d.
Speaker 3: H interesting, So it's not dodge dash disengage hide, got it?
Speaker 6: Which makes sense because dodge is really powerful.
Speaker 3: It's very powerful.
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's forcing disadvantage on everyone who attacks, Yes, exactly.
Speaker 3: So if she is ready to dodge, could she roll
to the side, Well, I mean you also, I mean
you're also a road with high you would just do
that already. You have a you have a high armoricle,
you have on. Yeah.
Speaker 6: The dodge action just gives everyone who attacks you dispandage. Okay,
so it's sort of representing you, like here's diving and
being like ready to move.
Speaker 3: All right, So just for you, just for your roginess,
you could literally move over to the bushes, use your
bonus action to hide, and then pop out and shoot
and you get all the stealth roll damage because you
came out of because you hit, because you got it
because it was you were hidden before you attacked. Or
you can attack and then hide afterwards and then.
Speaker 1: Oh am I technically in cove now, yes, you're hiding there.
Speaker 3: It's like class all over it, way back and do what, man,
this game is cool.
Speaker 6: Do what?
Speaker 3: Since we the fucking light of me, you can't find tramps.
Speaker 6: They consistently do that, all right.
Speaker 2: Right, So she's gonna hit go to the side.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's here.
Speaker 2: You said she can hide, and then.
Speaker 3: If you hide, so use your bonus action to hide.
Give you a stealth roll.
Speaker 2: Okay, stealth twenty twenty fantastic.
Speaker 3: Now these these snowmen are going to roll their inside
checks or the perception check to see if they see
you natural twenty they do.
Speaker 1: They like, keep his hide right by that guy who's
not hiding.
Speaker 3: Wherever was right, kind of get out in the grass.
Like what she doing? So Claudia go her intelligence check.
I'm just curious. Ten you think you're hidding. No, that's good,
I'm awesome. All right, So you walked over your head.
Now what do you want to do?
Speaker 2: Still pop up and you.
Speaker 3: Pop up and shoot. You will not get the sneak
attack advantage. And you pop you can shoot at one
of the snowmen who are watching you as you pop out.
Twenty one definitely hits. It hits for nine damage. You
do not get the fourteen sneak attack, so it's only nine.
So an arrow hits it in its snowbody like it
just looks at like, lady, what are you doing? Okay?
I think right next to you, watch he's doing all
this here. Okay, Next up is move move. You are
frozen for the end of this round. At the end,
at the end of your turn, the ice breaks off
and you are free.
Speaker 6: Okay, it's just gonna chill.
Speaker 3: God damn it. Well done, all right, Cobert, you're up, sir,
oh man, I was really.
Speaker 6: Trying to find some sort of good long range option
on this. Mother shock. Oh cobt, you're just not built
for that. All right. How high up are these rocky
outcroppings you mentioned over here?
Speaker 3: Right, You're like, so it would be like, like the
top up here five feet up here, another five feet
up here, another five feet, so it's a fifteen. But
tip the top up here be twenty so you could
like goat your way up if you wanted to.
Speaker 6: Okay, like could do that. Well, yeah, I might actually
have to burn the movement on that to do what
I want to do, Okay, So yeah, I will burn
the movement to climb my way up here, okay, and
then I will I still got I used thirty five feet,
so I still got twenty five left. I will get
to there and I will be just in range to
do a thorn whip.
Speaker 3: Oh, I think you're gonna try to jump off and
him with your hooves. Okay, now to be fair, because
you are again you're floating six point six six inches
off the rock up there, and you're balancing at this topic.
This thing just for my comedy adventuring. Uh, you got
up there, you got of it's weird. You wiggled, you
got your way up, and now you're balancing on top
of this rock formation to try to thorn whip something.
Give me athletics or acrobatics role, just to maintain your
balance up there.
Speaker 6: Seventeen You are fine, sir, away, all right, I will
throw a thorn whip.
Speaker 3: Nine you miss.
Speaker 6: Oh wow, I thought that was the damage. Yeah, no,
I definitely you like.
Speaker 3: And it just kind of swings around like the coal
breeze like makes you're like your your thorn whip kind
of like just dangle like a lip kite string.
Speaker 6: I like to think it snaps perfectly and cracks exactly
where the skull of this thing would have been if
I were six point sixty six inches lower.
Speaker 3: Yeah, still have an adjusted to the height different like
Indy Indians. Indians breaking in a new whip basically, Yeah,
not a problem. Uh, it's a snowman's turn, all right,
So this one sees you up there. He's going to
throw two snowballs at you, Cabert, because you just try
to whip at.
Speaker 6: Him, so to I have the high ground, you.
Speaker 3: Do, so uh an eight and a thirteen both miss. Okay,
eight and thirteen, so they miss this. So he's going
to but he's going to like fiveten, fifteen, he's going
to start moving his way twenty. He's going to come
around here better.
Speaker 4: I was worried after they went at Claudia with like
three twenties, all.
Speaker 3: Right, So this one's going to like five ten because
you know it's where Claudia is at. She's literally just
bounced up out of their thing. So Claudia, he's going
to pull his nose off and try to stab you
with his carrot nose to show this is I knows
he's going to give two. He's going to give two
slashing attacks with his carrot nose. These get because it's
this his magical carrot nose get. They get a plus
eight to two hit, so sixteen out of ten. So
I think they both miss miss all right to slash,
and they both the most shanks missed. Stand you watch
as they kind of go past it, like you kind
of move left and right because like you're right next
to it's like, but you don't get stabbed. You see
a carrot nose coming right through the bush right at you.
I'm still I'm definitely in a bush. Then yeah, you
are down to the bush. Oh yeah, you you kind
of hid there, so so all right, Uh it's the
end of their turn. They both have like one attack around,
so it is now a jeorsper.
Speaker 4: All right, I'll get over here, so I've got some
a line of scient and fuck you all off?
Speaker 3: Okay natural twenty oh okay, so for a total damage
of hell yeah, I don't. Let's get the damage because
here's the We're gonna double because it's because it's you're
hitting with their banes, so it's gonna be a lot actually.
Speaker 6: So oh wait, all right, all damage.
Speaker 3: Eleven eleven because it's and it's their bins, so it's
twenty two for them. Uh you blast the sky's head off.
It's it's it's like his whole head comes completely off.
Which one is she left right by the way, the
one with a right so over there, so yeah, you
shoot him the fireball his head melts completely off. New
one starts to form slowly, but it is like it's
taking a long time. You clearly you messed him up.
You messed him up really really bad. A new head
is slowly starting to form, but it's taking a while.
So cool, it's it is, it's very very weak and wounded.
Uh Claudia and stand like a big thing of misty.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 3: Rain and sleet come down on you, as if it
was like blood, but it's just it's just it's snow, blood,
so hard.
Speaker 2: It's so pretty.
Speaker 3: Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Top of
the order, stand Andy Liver.
Speaker 1: Okay, I would like to remain if I'm hidden in
the bush. Can I just sort of poke out of
the bush with my sword? Does that count as a
stealth attack?
Speaker 3: One hundred You will no longer be stealth once you attack,
but yes, you would get sneak attack damage with it.
Also because Claudia is engaged with something, so you would
stll get sneak attack damage.
Speaker 4: So don't mind me just then, I think you can
hide after that.
Speaker 3: Yes, again, that's how you start the cycle again. Okay, sure, sure,
but you should probably move otherwise you're just kind of
in the exact same spot. So it's not really okay.
Speaker 1: I will attack and move, all right, punk, what twenty six?
Speaker 3: Attack me the damage twenty seven? Uh oh, dude, it's
dead with a magical rape, or you drew it right
through its heart. He's like it's snowball. It falls over,
it drops, it's it's a it's a carrot dagger falls you.
Speaker 1: Sign never trust an old man looking in a bush.
Speaker 6: God, I mean, it's not bad advice.
Speaker 3: The hell I'm in the bush with you, but it's
still very good advice.
Speaker 2: Click, Claudia, have the carrot dagger.
Speaker 3: When it's your turn. Here's your turn, Clara, Claudia, what
do you want.
Speaker 2: To She really wants the carrot tagger?
Speaker 3: All right, you steal the carrot tager. Go for it.
You Well, it's it's more. It's like a dirk. It
is like it is a it is a carrot like
spike is like this is no longer vegetable. It is malicious.
It is it's like an orange, metal segmented spike.
Speaker 2: As president ever, she would like to run up. Wait,
I'm not slow still am I?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 3: No, you're turned that you're over with that. That's good.
Speaker 2: Okay, she'd like to run up behind the other guy. Okay,
go for it, the other bad guy and stun him
with her hat, her puff hat.
Speaker 3: You have how many charges? It hack? Because you use
one immediately when you got it, and you use the
second one when I think when you actually only have
I don't know if it's two or three? How many charges?
Because I wrote on the thing? Yeah, because because you
use one immediately and use the other one on the uh.
Speaker 2: Twice a day? Is it the same day?
Speaker 3: It is the same day?
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, So she'll run up behind and stab him.
Speaker 5: All right?
Speaker 6: Uh not?
Speaker 3: Probably give me give me a technically, because of his height,
he's technically engaged with Cobert, who because he's this guy's
ten feet tall. Cobert's right there, so he's kind of engaged.
So because he could read the war or through, so
you would get all the dam twenty two hits fifteen
total damage.
Speaker 6: Yeah, you jag.
Speaker 3: You stab that carrot in its back like it orks back,
and it's like it's definitely aware of you. It is mad,
so it ain't happy.
Speaker 6: You do.
Speaker 3: You do a good bit of damage to him. Next
up is Moog. Well done, Claudia at the end of
your turn.
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, all right, So I can't see what's going
on because there's a bunch of bushes in.
Speaker 3: The way, right, yes, but you hear like, well you
can see over top of the bushes. I mean they're not.
It's not. It's only like you know, chest high.
Speaker 6: So I'm gonna kiss.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna see if there's anything lying on the ground,
maybe a piece of this guy.
Speaker 3: You guys, you're gonna try to catapult his up, his
snowy remains onto the other guy. Yep, go for it,
love it all right. Let's see here, all right, So
d C d C twelve dexterity. He intentionally does not dodge,
and his set absorbs the essence of his snowy friend
and gets larger. Hmm, I was gonna do that regardless.
Thank you, you just made it better.
Speaker 6: Maybe move, we'll go back to chilling.
Speaker 3: So move, you catapult the thing over and like you know,
the the the the snowman turns sees it and smiles
and a wicked smile, puts his hand out and its
like as the his dead friends snowy body was flying in.
He just absorbs it and he's like his balls get bigger,
his nose gets bigger, has had him, he gets bigger
than Crosty is fucking terrifying now.
Speaker 6: So he so he turned around, right, yep?
Speaker 3: Well which one tell the truth?
Speaker 5: Well, easier to see.
Speaker 6: Now, let's see, all right, Uh, I believe I'm up.
You are give me any chance of advantage with him
turned around, absorbing.
Speaker 3: He's well, yeah, he's also qualit. He's engaged you already?
Have you have advantage on the attack?
Speaker 6: Oh? Thank Christ? Okay, uh, then I'm gonna once again
thorn whip. It's not as dependent on hitting now that
he's here, but I will.
Speaker 3: Say this like, okay, Caber, give me an intelligence.
Speaker 6: Role, give me trust me. Yep, I've got a plan.
Speaker 3: Okay, you got a plan.
Speaker 6: I've got a plan, all right, it is. It is
Cobar's plan, and it'll be awesome if it works.
Speaker 3: All right, Well, then let's you know what, shut up,
and let's let you do you sir.
Speaker 6: All right? With advantage. So first attempt is an eight,
second attempt is a twenty fourth, Thank Christ.
Speaker 3: Twenty four definitely hits, all right.
Speaker 6: Then that will be six damage. But so specifically with
thorn whip, you are able to pull them toward you
if they are large or smaller. Now that he is
too big, this actually works better for me because Kebert
is because I am not grounded on anything, because I'm
floating in air. I am using the thorn whip to
yank myself steaming hoof hoof first.
Speaker 3: That's exactly what I was going to tell you to do.
Speaker 6: Anyways, I wanted to use the thorn whip as a
guide leash to make sure I had no chance of missing. Okay,
so I yank it to drive myself hoof first down
into this guy's body.
Speaker 3: Okay, you do exactly that, because you have four who's
you're doing all four? Correct? I am? Do you mean
favorite than Roby? Four D six worth of hot hoof damage?
Speaker 6: Stay over there, I'm coming to see you.
Speaker 3: And we're gonna and we're going to double it because
it's in vain. So you whip it with the date damage.
It was always hurt before from Claudia snap. It got bigger,
but it only all it does to make itself littlely
just made itself bigger. Uh. You four hooves coming down
through its face, melting downwards. Uh, this thing melts into
a puddle of goo and and and sticks and scarves
as Cobar slowly descends down in a cool spiral verse
to the to the ground of steaming hell fire and
uh dead snowman, badass, clip clop, motherfucker, clip clop, motherfucker,
and he's and that's We're gonna end this episode of
The Dicey Bastards. They are one step away from getting
actually into the workshop, finding Saying himself and finding the
secret of Santa's magic, which they were sent by a
d to get. Exactly that will they find out on
the next episode. Let's see what happens all right on
behalf of Steve Weatherill, Rick Walteriery, Emily Capslan, Robert Bevern,
and Drew Hayes. I'm MK Gibson. We're the Dicey Bassards
and you've been great. We'll catch y'all next time. Bye everybody,
ye bye by.
Speaker 9: You've been listening to Dicey Bastards cats see if Uphors
and Dragons. Check us out at Uthors and Dragons dot
com or look up our Patreon if you want to supporters,
get secret content and hang out on our discord. Music
by the golf.
Speaker 3: Call fall Off.
Speaker 5: Do Snowmen have snowballs. They do have balls