WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.080 There's a kind of quiet you only notice late at night, 2 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:08.039 when the city's lost its hum, and even the walls 3 00:00:08.080 --> 00:00:10.679 of the old building seemed to be slower. I was 4 00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:13.199 pacing in that hush, balancing a plate of crackers and 5 00:00:13.240 --> 00:00:15.679 cheese chidas, starting to sweat pre collapse into the corners, 6 00:00:15.720 --> 00:00:17.559 because it was almost ten and I was still half 7 00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:19.559 certain Mirror would walk through our door with some wild 8 00:00:19.559 --> 00:00:22.600 story from the gallery. The gallery, by which I mean 9 00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:25.760 the loft, the over ambitious, underheated warehouse nonprofit where she 10 00:00:25.800 --> 00:00:28.760 spends her fridays hovering between evant goddess Anne free help. 11 00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:32.679 That's what she calls herself. Anyway, when we met, neither 12 00:00:32.719 --> 00:00:35.240 of us was what you'd call a planner. But now 13 00:00:35.880 --> 00:00:38.560 Friday nights had a rhythm. Usually she takes when the 14 00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:40.960 last glass was poured, and by the time she stumbled in, 15 00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:44.240 I'd have her favorite tea steeping. We debrief her about 16 00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:47.719 eccentric donors and accidental installations, me about my day's sketching 17 00:00:47.719 --> 00:00:50.359 from magazines that paid months late, and whatever mean our 18 00:00:50.399 --> 00:00:53.439 friends were fighting over. Sometimes we'd climb on to the 19 00:00:53.479 --> 00:00:55.359 fire escape and let the shouts and laugh to swell 20 00:00:55.399 --> 00:00:57.960 up from the bass buller, But for three weeks running 21 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.679 she hasn't brought the gallery home of her just text 22 00:01:00.759 --> 00:01:04.200 don't wait up you work in the morning, don't bother 23 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:07.640 coming by, locked up tight. These weren't strange exactly Me 24 00:01:07.719 --> 00:01:09.799 was always floated through life on her own schedule, but 25 00:01:09.840 --> 00:01:13.040 the regularity felt all wrong. Habit is funny, you only 26 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:16.040 see it once. It's broken. That Friday, eight forty two, 27 00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:19.200 at night, another message pained I remember because I'd set 28 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:21.040 a silent time there a ten fifteen year old, but 29 00:01:21.159 --> 00:01:23.439 with no word I'd head over on the pretense of 30 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:26.480 forgetting the time. Instead, the message hit my fun in 31 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:29.439 those bright blue bubbles, so short startled me. Don't come by, 32 00:01:29.519 --> 00:01:32.879 I'll be late late, love you. No punctuation almost rushed 33 00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:36.840 the double late stood out. Usually she gave some context. 34 00:01:36.920 --> 00:01:40.519 Meeting after drinks, ran long, cleaning duty, venting about repairs, 35 00:01:40.920 --> 00:01:43.400 not to night. For a moment, I wondered if i'd 36 00:01:43.400 --> 00:01:46.359 miss news of a panel of surprise opening ellery. Life's 37 00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:49.400 nothing if not chaotic. I pulled up the loft Instagram 38 00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:52.040 carefully curated otsey with a wink, but nothing about a 39 00:01:52.040 --> 00:01:55.000 big night or last minute from dreising lost pose a 40 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:58.280 minimalist photo of a chipmug tight has gallow life. I 41 00:01:58.359 --> 00:02:03.319 scanned the comments, same handful of regulars, no clues fine. 42 00:02:03.480 --> 00:02:05.560 I starved it. Tidying up our shared art nook the 43 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:07.519 one chip or table we'd angled under the window for 44 00:02:07.560 --> 00:02:10.400 best light. Mirror space is always a beautiful mass tubes 45 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:12.479 of paint nested together, even if the caps are sticky. 46 00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:15.560 A graveyard of Stirbey pencils and two ceramic mug stuff 47 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:18.759 but brushes more splaye than briskly. Her side always smells 48 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:21.879 faintly over Lindsey Doyle. In surprise. I was halfway through 49 00:02:21.879 --> 00:02:23.800 stacking her loose sketchbooks when I lift at one. I 50 00:02:23.840 --> 00:02:26.120 didn't recognize a thick craft paper cover, the kind we 51 00:02:26.199 --> 00:02:28.960 both used for travel, but not in months. It slid 52 00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:30.560 from the wedge of a supply bin, like a secret 53 00:02:30.599 --> 00:02:33.680 trying to reveal itself. The front page was blank except 54 00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:37.039 for a single watery blue fingerprint. Tucked inside was a 55 00:02:37.080 --> 00:02:40.039 small cream envelope, not quite business card sized, with edges 56 00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:43.800 slightly smudged by grapha. Inside a folded thank you card 57 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:47.120 written in looping, oddly careful handwriting, thank you for our 58 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:51.199 secret adventure you make the world new. I can't stop smiling, 59 00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:55.639 grateful for everything. Eh, Jay, there's a precise kind of 60 00:02:55.639 --> 00:02:57.240 cold that runs through your core when you see the 61 00:02:57.280 --> 00:03:00.680 word secret in a note that isn't yours, rushly paired 62 00:03:00.680 --> 00:03:04.319 with adventure. It wasn't a romantic script, but it was warm, intimate, 63 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:07.919 personal in a Waplike gallery correspondence never is. My immediate 64 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:09.919 thought was this is something to do with the gallery, 65 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.960 Maybe a thank you from a donor. What Jay, of 66 00:03:13.080 --> 00:03:15.439 all the people in our circle, Janel, the gallery manager, 67 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:18.319 was abroad posting annoying pictures of bedgi and chocolate cakes 68 00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:21.080 and modern art. For ten minutes, I debated, do I 69 00:03:21.199 --> 00:03:24.919 tax Mira ask augh Wright, But a more hesitant part 70 00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:28.039 of me, some animal refix, kept me silent. I pocketed 71 00:03:28.039 --> 00:03:30.400 the note instead, slit the sketchwok back into the stack 72 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:33.719 and told myself it meant nothing. Still, the apartment felt 73 00:03:33.719 --> 00:03:36.360 like it had shrunk by half. I started tidying with 74 00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:38.840 more force, careful to place every brush and sheet, as 75 00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:41.000 if the right arrangement could put all the questions back 76 00:03:41.000 --> 00:03:43.639 in the box. The truth is, there's never been a 77 00:03:43.639 --> 00:03:46.280 time in our relationship when I doubt if Mirror's openness before. 78 00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:48.879 If I close my eyes, I can still picture the 79 00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:51.479 first four seconds I saw her. We were both at 80 00:03:51.479 --> 00:03:54.639 some exhausting, over stuffed Saturday market, half Indie art fair, 81 00:03:54.759 --> 00:03:57.039 half high school reunion for people who dopted for paint 82 00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:00.159 on their hands over actual credentials. She'd been wrangled and 83 00:04:00.280 --> 00:04:02.960 enormous unless be honest, ugly keempast, trying to wedge it 84 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:05.960 into an undersized display. I'd offered to help and promptly 85 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:08.560 stop my toe on a crate of Jessa jaws. She 86 00:04:08.719 --> 00:04:11.199 laughed loud and self conscious, and asked if I always 87 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:14.599 made first impressions by bleeding on gallery floors. We spent 88 00:04:14.680 --> 00:04:17.680 that whole afternoon talking about how the city, for all 89 00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:19.639 its grime, kept spitting up color in the corner as 90 00:04:19.639 --> 00:04:22.800 you least expected, about painting and music, and what counted 91 00:04:22.839 --> 00:04:25.480 as real escapism. She had moved to town only a 92 00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:28.079 year before, chasing the cachet of finding her creative people. 93 00:04:28.560 --> 00:04:30.959 I'd wanted that too. My freelance work was ranging from 94 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:33.319 actual illustration gigs too. Can you help me photoshop my 95 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:35.839 ex out of this group photo for fifty bucks? There 96 00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:38.680 were no sparks of destiny. I didn't even get her 97 00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:41.199 number that day, but a week later she trapped me 98 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:42.920 down on social send a DM with a photo of 99 00:04:42.920 --> 00:04:45.560 my bath at sketch book, lost and found, drinks and tray. 100 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:49.720 Those early months felt like a heist. So many nights galleries, 101 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:52.839 warehouse shows, impromptu dragging of friends to midnight picnics and 102 00:04:52.879 --> 00:04:54.879 public parks because the night air was so sharp it 103 00:04:54.920 --> 00:04:57.839 ought to be bottled. Our first official day, we split 104 00:04:57.879 --> 00:04:59.560 a cheap pets in the back of a pop up show, 105 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.959 arguing about art a sport versus artist soul. She spilled 106 00:05:03.000 --> 00:05:04.800 root be in my lap and announced if she'd only 107 00:05:04.839 --> 00:05:08.120 date someone who forgave clumsy accidents. We built our life 108 00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:10.639 with the kind of scrappy duror. We locked into this 109 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:13.360 tiny loft cheap because the pipes grown theatrically and the 110 00:05:13.360 --> 00:05:16.079 heating blew out at the first sign of frost. Over 111 00:05:16.120 --> 00:05:19.360 five quick, blurry years, we patch send it, painted and 112 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:23.120 collected clutter wherever she went. A tornado of materials followed, 113 00:05:23.800 --> 00:05:26.560 sketches curled on every flat surface, magnet's holding up as 114 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:30.360 many failed ideas as successes. Our walls crammed with friends, art, 115 00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:33.800 pressed flowers, concert tickets. We threw parties that bloomed from 116 00:05:33.800 --> 00:05:35.959 a couple of drinks to the entire building, shouting along 117 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:39.439 to sell popsalms. I was always half in the kitchen, prepping, 118 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:41.959 checking that nobody spilled red wine on the only good couch. 119 00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:44.560 But that was my role. Mirror was the ring muster, 120 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:48.079 making strangers into a temporary tribe. For most of that time, 121 00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:51.519 transparency felt like our default. Maybe it was pragmatic car 122 00:05:51.600 --> 00:05:55.839 communities of gossipy as hell. Mir shared every ridiculous anecdote, 123 00:05:55.879 --> 00:05:58.720 every crazy interaction at the gallery or from her wanderings, 124 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:02.000 even when projects buttered or jobs dried up. We planned together, 125 00:06:02.079 --> 00:06:04.000 even if the plan was only let's see what Ren 126 00:06:04.079 --> 00:06:07.160 feels like next month. But lately the rhythm has changed. 127 00:06:07.839 --> 00:06:11.360 My freelance work sewed magazine budgets vaporized overnight, and there 128 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:14.079 wasn't a backup plan. Mirror picked up more hours of 129 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:16.800 the gallery. I need to be around people, she said, 130 00:06:16.839 --> 00:06:19.920 which made sense. Some nights she'd come home wrong out, 131 00:06:19.959 --> 00:06:22.959 but still bubbling about new painting ideas, glass with this artist, 132 00:06:23.120 --> 00:06:26.399 that curator. Still she grew more protective of her phone, 133 00:06:26.519 --> 00:06:29.160 quick to change the subject. When I asked about specific events, 134 00:06:29.879 --> 00:06:32.279 I told myself. This was normal. People grow even in 135 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:35.800 the same small apartment, but the difference was there. We 136 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:39.240 moved among artists, couples, the hovering gravity of gallery employees, 137 00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:42.199 like moons orbiting a scene that never fully settled. Mirror 138 00:06:42.319 --> 00:06:44.759 was the pulse of it all. People leaned toward her 139 00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:49.600 in conversation, laughed easier round her. I supplied the practical stuff, rights, food, 140 00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:53.000 the Fahm trees. During il faded road trips, she'd squeeze 141 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:55.279 my hand before opening doors a coat. Let's do it 142 00:06:55.319 --> 00:06:58.839 all together, even the weird bits. Still, I'd noticed over 143 00:06:58.839 --> 00:07:02.079 the past month, a weird drift. Mutual friends grew vague 144 00:07:02.279 --> 00:07:05.480 or ducked invitations. Some nights she slippin' at two with 145 00:07:05.519 --> 00:07:07.759 the paint's watch grin others should stay out till the 146 00:07:07.759 --> 00:07:10.160 birds began calling, creeping in as if not to wake me. 147 00:07:10.800 --> 00:07:13.600 Maybe I was just seeing patterns. I damn weak, for 148 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.920 work makes you paranoid. But two weeks ago she did 149 00:07:16.920 --> 00:07:19.639 the small, quietly loving thing. She took one of my 150 00:07:19.720 --> 00:07:22.120 nooncow's sketches, a city of view, something I'd labored over 151 00:07:22.199 --> 00:07:24.920 in a haze of self doubt, and hung it about bed. This, 152 00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:27.040 she said, is the soul of her home, and she 153 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:30.160 actually met. The way she looked at me, honest and sure, 154 00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:33.360 pushed my brain's reset button. I keep going back, too 155 00:07:33.439 --> 00:07:35.439 to one night at the loft after a gallery party, 156 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:37.839 fizzle with only as in the janitor left, music cleaking 157 00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:40.279 out of some one's laptop. We spun lft in the 158 00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:43.600 empty room, her hair wild, her cheeks dusty with red bastel. 159 00:07:44.199 --> 00:07:46.800 We don't keep secrets, she'd said, and pressed in clothes 160 00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:49.800 drunk on paint fumes and half warm wine. I believed her, 161 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:54.079 who wouldn't now Back in the present, the note unexplained, 162 00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:56.560 nestled deep in a sketch she hadn't cared to show me, 163 00:07:56.680 --> 00:07:59.439 lingered heaviest hunger at the back of my mind. The 164 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:03.199 next Friday, I tried something simple I was thinking, I said, 165 00:08:03.319 --> 00:08:05.639 making too much noise with the grinder. I could stop 166 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:07.720 by the gallery early, bring you in the crew coffee 167 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:10.759 for the last hour if you want. Mira's body language 168 00:08:10.759 --> 00:08:13.279 shifted immediately, a subtle coil, her shoulders tensing in a 169 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:15.160 way I recognized from when her mother would call to 170 00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:17.839 nag her about professional stability. This night wouldn't be good 171 00:08:17.879 --> 00:08:21.279 to trust me, really, she said, almost too quickly. She 172 00:08:21.319 --> 00:08:24.639 angled herself toward the counter, so in hand her thumb 173 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:26.879 grazed this green. I caught a glimpse of flaming color 174 00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:29.759 as her notifications piled up, short, previous, stacked like coat. 175 00:08:30.439 --> 00:08:32.759 It's chaos, no one's organized, and I don't want you 176 00:08:32.799 --> 00:08:34.840 to see the backstage circus. She tried to joke, but 177 00:08:34.919 --> 00:08:38.080 her smile stayed stitched to one side. I can handle chaos, 178 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:41.120 I countered, trying not to sound hurt better than six 179 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:44.600 dollar lottes. But she kissed me soft, a quick touch 180 00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:46.799 that used to mean don't worry before and ash out 181 00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:50.120 of reach. This just coordination stuff, she said, tilting the 182 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:54.399 phone so I couldn't see nothing exciting. I promise that night. 183 00:08:54.519 --> 00:08:57.320 I waited if she was annoyed by my hovering. She 184 00:08:57.360 --> 00:08:59.600 didn't show, to send a series of neutral EMOCHI heavy 185 00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:03.759 check in, running late, so much to finish. We'll eat 186 00:09:03.799 --> 00:09:07.559 at the loft, save you leftovers. By the time midnight 187 00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:10.080 roll passed, I moved into the limbo space, where sleep 188 00:09:10.120 --> 00:09:13.519 as possible only in thirty second increments. She finally came 189 00:09:13.559 --> 00:09:16.320 home at one fifteen, cheeks flushed, not with exhaustion but 190 00:09:16.399 --> 00:09:21.320 something brighter, not drunk, exactly, pagiddy. I noticed immediately a 191 00:09:21.360 --> 00:09:24.279 new scarf peek up, blurin, impossibly soft round her neck. 192 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:27.879 She never owned one like it. A nice scarf, I said, 193 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:33.279 casual as possible, new gallery merch. She paused for a beat. Well, 194 00:09:33.480 --> 00:09:35.399 a friend at the gallery gifted it. I do honestly 195 00:09:35.480 --> 00:09:37.879 can't remember if it was Jess or maybe Julia. She 196 00:09:37.960 --> 00:09:40.679 waved away my squint and twisting the scarf. It was 197 00:09:40.679 --> 00:09:43.519 a joke, I think, her voice said, the defensiveness of 198 00:09:43.559 --> 00:09:46.320 an actor trying to recover from dropped lines. I could 199 00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:48.279 tell the question annoyed her, but she worked to turn 200 00:09:48.320 --> 00:09:51.720 it all lightness. Don't be jealous. It's ugly anyway, she said, 201 00:09:51.759 --> 00:09:54.600 tossing it on to a chair. We both glanced at it. 202 00:09:55.320 --> 00:09:58.279 It was not ugly. She peeled off her jacket, shoes, 203 00:09:58.399 --> 00:10:01.000 drifting through her night timbroutine in the bathroom mirror. I 204 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:04.080 watched as a smile, lingered. It felt like a performance. 205 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:07.080 My body humble with questions I didn't want to voice. 206 00:10:07.639 --> 00:10:09.879 There are patterns you can see too late lately, the 207 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:11.879 night she comes home most relaxed and ever, the ones 208 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:15.799 following major gallery events. Some weeks she returns anxious. All 209 00:10:15.879 --> 00:10:19.799 business are those she's almost luminous, no rhyme, no reason. 210 00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:22.399 None of it lines up with the public schedule at all. 211 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:25.960 None of this is proof. Maybe she's hosting a giant 212 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:29.360 birthday surprise for some mutual friend. Maybe all my stress 213 00:10:29.360 --> 00:10:32.639 and paid contracts commission's gone missing has me projecting, But 214 00:10:32.759 --> 00:10:35.480 each knew odd thing like that note refuses to let 215 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:38.159 go of its place in my brain. One day midweek, 216 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:41.360 I asked one of our couple friends, Jack's sometimes gallery regular, 217 00:10:41.559 --> 00:10:44.399 mostly nowhere to be found. You've been around the loft, march, 218 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:47.200 I said, stirring coffee in a to go cup, searching 219 00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:49.840 his face for a flicker of certainty. He's a crazy 220 00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:53.039 busy lately. Or Jack's coughed into a sleeve and moved 221 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:57.840 that telegraph discomfort. Nah, same old. I think he gets repetitive. 222 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:00.000 You know, Mary's probably drowning in it. They run her 223 00:11:01.039 --> 00:11:03.080 then I've got to kolkat about her opening, and he 224 00:11:03.159 --> 00:11:05.799 ducked away a clumsy with relief. How do you measure 225 00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:08.759 suspicion against the thousand microscopic ways you've trusted some one? 226 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:11.600 My head ran both tracks at once, Of course, nothing's 227 00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:15.360 going on, except shouldn't you at least ask? That weekend, 228 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:18.840 I started looking harder. I keep a household digital calendar 229 00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:21.519 because otherwise bills don't get paid and events don't exist. 230 00:11:22.279 --> 00:11:24.639 Mira keeps her own and shares out events when she 231 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:27.480 thinks to. I'd noticed she hadn't been inviting me to 232 00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:30.519 his studio appointments. Lady said she needed quiet and interrupted 233 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:32.960 blocks to get lost in something new. But when she 234 00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:35.600 left her laptop open one afternoon, she's always been careless 235 00:11:35.600 --> 00:11:37.519 with devices. I noticed how Google khand I had a 236 00:11:37.559 --> 00:11:41.000 repeating item blocked out Studio seven eleven PUM, usually Fridays. 237 00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:45.039 Sometimes it overlapped with gallery. In the notes, just a 238 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:48.759 string of color paletts somewhat look like initials J and M. Familiar, 239 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:50.960 if only because those same two letters had appeared on 240 00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:53.879 the painting hidden in her closet. I asked her gently 241 00:11:53.919 --> 00:11:56.720 about all the extra studio time. It's when the gallery 242 00:11:56.799 --> 00:11:59.120 lets me stash work, so it's not crowding the apartment, 243 00:11:59.240 --> 00:12:01.480 she said, bear, pausing as she rooted through our gent 244 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:04.039 draw He remember how nuts it got lost time I 245 00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:06.159 tried to prep a series at home, Oil paint and 246 00:12:06.200 --> 00:12:09.440 sleep don't mix, true, but the answer felt pre package 247 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:12.759 too easy. Still, that was always her trick, keep talking, 248 00:12:12.840 --> 00:12:15.919 and the moment for confrontation slipped away. I scolled her 249 00:12:15.919 --> 00:12:18.360 Instagram while waiting for her to come back from errands. 250 00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:22.159 She had always posted openly group shots, art supplies snippets 251 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:24.639 of work in progress with goofy captions, but lately only 252 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:27.720 close ups from her studio, all moody, light and blurred corners, 253 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:30.919 not a single human inframe. No check ins with friends, 254 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:33.720 no shots from the gallery itself. I tried to set 255 00:12:33.799 --> 00:12:35.679 up a double date with two of our regulars, Ma 256 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:39.480 and Leelah after one of mirrors shifts. Leelah hesitated, stammered 257 00:12:39.519 --> 00:12:42.279 something about already having plans with Jeannette, the gallery manager, 258 00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:45.080 who by all accounts, was sending photos from the other 259 00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:48.080 side of the Atlantic the very night. The discomfort was 260 00:12:48.120 --> 00:12:50.759 loud in their voices, the careful tiptoin I'd never heard before. 261 00:12:51.360 --> 00:12:53.799 I started paying more attention to small money questions, the 262 00:12:53.840 --> 00:12:56.200 boring stuff you only worry about when things feel off. 263 00:12:56.799 --> 00:12:59.159 I handled most bill pay but Mirrors got her own 264 00:12:59.200 --> 00:13:02.440 cards for ride apps and occasional night out. In two weeks, 265 00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:05.399 I caught four left charges all costed on late Friday nights, 266 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:08.120 unmatching her usual routes between the gallery and our place. 267 00:13:08.879 --> 00:13:10.600 I found it to no receipt, tucked into a pile 268 00:13:10.600 --> 00:13:12.879 of receipts, to be sordid, she claimed up to mindedness, 269 00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:16.080 called it maybe the coworker's birthday. But the restaurant was 270 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:18.039 a place she'd mocked as if a rustic and overpriced 271 00:13:18.039 --> 00:13:20.440 the last time we passed it. The next clue came 272 00:13:20.440 --> 00:13:23.799 almost by accident. Tidying up the closet proquet snooping, I 273 00:13:23.799 --> 00:13:27.039 found a half finished painting stats behind several older failed 274 00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:30.720 pieces in the bottom corner, two initials J plus M. 275 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:33.399 The work was rough, more abstract than her usual style, 276 00:13:33.480 --> 00:13:36.440 but the palette was brighter, loser. It wasn't a collaborative 277 00:13:36.440 --> 00:13:38.519 painting for one of the gallery auctions. I checked a 278 00:13:38.559 --> 00:13:42.720 running inventory. It looked new and finished. Maybe hurried at 279 00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:46.600 her friends exhibit the following weekend, one of Mirror's closest acquaintances, Free, 280 00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:48.759 the kind of person who chats with everyone knows all 281 00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:51.480 the gossip, barely looked me in the eyes when I 282 00:13:51.519 --> 00:13:54.679 mentioned Mirror in passing. Rhees's response to shrank to monosyllables, 283 00:13:54.759 --> 00:13:57.639 shifting her weight, asking if I tried the wine she 284 00:13:57.799 --> 00:14:00.399 used to top my ear off. Now she did appeared 285 00:14:00.440 --> 00:14:02.960 at the first hint of gallery talk. I wanted to 286 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:05.320 talk it all through with mirror, ask about us, our future, 287 00:14:05.480 --> 00:14:07.360 what came next, now that my work was drying up 288 00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:09.960 and hers was all consuming. When I broached the topic 289 00:14:10.039 --> 00:14:11.879 of a dinner, it rick shed across the table and 290 00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:15.600 never landed less. Not stress for once, she said, pushing 291 00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:18.240 her food around. The everything's up in the air. Now 292 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:21.480 we'll figure it out. Like always, her gentle smile was 293 00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:23.679 supposed to reassure, and maybe it would have if she 294 00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:26.720 didn't seem half somewhere else already. One night, as I 295 00:14:26.759 --> 00:14:29.320 poured hot water over her favorite tea leaves, I caught 296 00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:32.440 her in the kitchen typing away, fingers flying. She didn't 297 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:34.360 hear me. The light from her phone painted her face 298 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:37.399 pale and intent. When she noticed my shadow on the wall, 299 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:40.080 she locked us green and spun around, launching into a 300 00:14:40.120 --> 00:14:42.519 cheerful pitch about planning a summer week in someone New. 301 00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:45.759 I told myself none of this was actionable. What our 302 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:49.279 routines had become lopsided. There were few spontaneous moments, no 303 00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:52.600 surprise dinners, no late night walks were shared tederens echoing 304 00:14:52.639 --> 00:14:55.960 some strange French electronic we both pretended to understand, but 305 00:14:56.039 --> 00:14:58.559 in new ways. She worked harder to balance things. My 306 00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:01.240 favorite tea appeared out of no She'd email me listings 307 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:03.399 for art residencies, tried to set up date nights. I'd 308 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:06.320 been too moody to suggest. Maybe she felt guilty about 309 00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:10.360 the extra time away. The evidence built anyway. One Friday, 310 00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:12.279 I left the tiny painting in her bag, as silly 311 00:15:12.440 --> 00:15:14.840 stylized pigeon I'd drawn for her as a joke, hoping 312 00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:17.320 she'd find it while at work and text me. It 313 00:15:17.399 --> 00:15:20.320 was never mentioned, never posted on her story, never showed 314 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:22.840 up on a shelf for the fridge. When I glanced 315 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:25.279 inside her bag a week later, it was gone. I 316 00:15:25.360 --> 00:15:27.639 came close several times to break in the silence, but 317 00:15:27.720 --> 00:15:30.159 always held back. I couldn't shake the fear that this 318 00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:32.960 was about me amid career stall, maybe or neediness on 319 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:35.960 my part as her world expanded. Maybe she was planning 320 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.799 a surprise. I reread the thank ye note, flipping it 321 00:15:38.879 --> 00:15:40.759 under a desk lamp, and for the first time saw 322 00:15:40.759 --> 00:15:42.720 a faint gallery water mob pressed into the paper, a 323 00:15:42.799 --> 00:15:45.440 kind they used for donor events, not anything day to day. 324 00:15:46.039 --> 00:15:49.639 It was a detail I'd messed for weeks. My theories multiplied, 325 00:15:49.720 --> 00:15:54.600 none fully satisfying. Despite everything, relief arrived in disguise. One 326 00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:57.200 Monday night. Mirror came home humming, tossing off her coat, 327 00:15:57.240 --> 00:15:59.440 as if she just stumbled out of a vacation. She 328 00:15:59.480 --> 00:16:01.679 looked hired but clear, and she placed both palms on 329 00:16:01.720 --> 00:16:04.039 the counter in front of me. I have to confess 330 00:16:04.039 --> 00:16:06.519 I've been acting word, she started, then chewed her lip, 331 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:11.159 studying me. Yeah, my heart rich uncertain. I felt awful 332 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:13.240 about it. There's been too much secrecy, and I know 333 00:16:13.279 --> 00:16:15.480 how it looks. I'm sorry for making you feel left out. 334 00:16:16.039 --> 00:16:19.320 She sounded rehearsed, but not insincere. I was desperate to 335 00:16:19.320 --> 00:16:22.080 surprise you. I'm prepping a solo gallery show with Janelle's help. 336 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:24.360 It's for you. Some of our friend's pitching the private 337 00:16:24.360 --> 00:16:26.720 studio time, the word schedule, some white lies off for 338 00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:31.480 the big reveal. I made everyone swear silence. She winced. Honestly, 339 00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:33.879 I've been terrified you'd figure it out early. Jannelle had 340 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:36.120 to play hyder in chief that's why Matt and Leelah 341 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:39.039 acted word I stared at her, unsure whether to feel 342 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:43.399 idiotic or related. All this was Frusha. She nodded, cheeks flushing. 343 00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:45.919 She pulled a large canvas from her back, one I'd 344 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:49.039 never seen. It was a DREAMY said, escape our favorite bridge. 345 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.679 It's unset across the water. Two tiny figures holding hands 346 00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:55.879 and barely defined, inspired by us brush drugs in flight, 347 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:59.080 She kissed my forehead. I wanted you to know you're 348 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:02.120 my heart, even one thing feel tough. She radiated affection 349 00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:05.200 that night, warm rushing and after weeks of frost, my 350 00:17:05.319 --> 00:17:07.680 heart eager to take the life line, shust the doubts, 351 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:14.240 lift rights, matings, the odd dinner, brainstone sessions, though j 352 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:17.240 plus m painting just a sketch I made in secreted 353 00:17:17.279 --> 00:17:19.759 stands for Janelle and Mirror, and in jerk, she explained, 354 00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:22.400 whisking the canvas on to the mantle. I let out 355 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:24.519 a laugh, half relief, half mourning for all the neurotic 356 00:17:24.599 --> 00:17:27.599 spirals I'd spun in my head. If anyone could orchestrate 357 00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:30.359 a covert gallery show in a maneuver suspicion, it was Mirror. 358 00:17:30.880 --> 00:17:34.119 Things loosened up again we jerked, danced round Bill's band 359 00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:36.680 to make up for lost weekends. For a moment, the 360 00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:40.279 gap between us closed until exactly four days later. I 361 00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:42.079 saw her eye pad light up as she stepped into 362 00:17:42.119 --> 00:17:44.880 the shower. She'd left it unlocked, perched on a steel 363 00:17:44.920 --> 00:17:48.599 by the sink. A notification prevy blinked up. Message from Jay, 364 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:51.839 just an initial above a small red heart. Pridy was amazing. 365 00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:55.039 Can't stop thinking about your laugh. My pulse thudded hard 366 00:17:55.079 --> 00:17:58.640 and stupid. The iPad pinged again. A second preview cut 367 00:17:58.680 --> 00:18:02.000 off any chance we get our own adventure again. The 368 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:05.440 envelope in my jacket pocket suddenly weighed ten pounds. My 369 00:18:05.559 --> 00:18:09.079 mind spun. Wasn't Jay Jell? Why this voice? This flotation? 370 00:18:09.720 --> 00:18:11.519 I listened to the cascade of water and felt the 371 00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:14.319 distance last and soft, cating between the truth I had 372 00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:17.039 been handed in the one hinting from behind digital curtains. 373 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:20.920 She returned, skin pink, hair twisted in a towel. I 374 00:18:20.960 --> 00:18:22.960 acted normal, almost too normal, as we curled up to 375 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:25.039 watch a show, my brain lipping as if some stranger 376 00:18:25.079 --> 00:18:27.920 might step from the screen. When sleep finally came, it 377 00:18:27.960 --> 00:18:30.400 was blotchy in then in the morning, as me were 378 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:32.559 drifted out for coffee with an old friend from before 379 00:18:32.599 --> 00:18:35.319 you you wouldn't remember her anyway. I found myself alone 380 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:38.759 with her iPad, my stomach tight and swept, prickling my palms. 381 00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:42.079 I knew what snooping meant. I didn't want to be 382 00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:45.559 that person, but the noble world was receding, replaced by 383 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:49.160 accident and suspicion. I waited for confirmation, for something concrete 384 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:52.000 to pull me forward or back. Instead, I spent all 385 00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:54.200 day we rehousing questions, none of which would fit in 386 00:18:54.200 --> 00:18:57.599 my mouth. I sat in the silent loft, coffee gun cold, 387 00:18:57.640 --> 00:19:00.039 contemplating what the next Friday might bring and weather, and 388 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.720 knowing would be better or worse than imagining. The first 389 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:04.759 time I ever held Mirror's phone in my hand, it 390 00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:06.920 was two years ago, borrowed to double check the address 391 00:19:06.920 --> 00:19:09.440 for a party. She laughed at the way I squinted, 392 00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:11.519 elbowing me. What would you ever do if you had 393 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:13.799 to burgle a password from me? I said, I just 394 00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:16.480 waited until she fell asleep. She snorted, called me a coward, 395 00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:19.599 and unlocked it with a flourish. We shared passwords, then, 396 00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:22.480 neither of us guarded devices like gates are secrets so 397 00:19:22.599 --> 00:19:25.599 ordinary they felt unworthy of protection. Now, the slab of 398 00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:27.680 the iPad's stare back at me from the kitchen's jewel, 399 00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:30.480 radiating heat I could almost feel across the room. I 400 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:34.880 didn't move toward it. Instead, I reheated the coffee she'd abandoned, microwaved, 401 00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:37.480