Speaker 1: Doctor Jen, How is your Friday going thus far?
Speaker 2: Good? It's hot here in San Diego.
Speaker 3: It is a bit warm.
Speaker 1: It is one hundred and four in Sante yesterday and
Speaker 1: I think one hundred and two right now, I believe
Speaker 1: in Santy today.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh well, I just looked up Pacific Beach and it's
Speaker 2: seventy nine. But that is very hot.
Speaker 1: For the beach town and for writers.
Speaker 2: I we have like eighty percent humidity.
Speaker 4: So that's that's the thing.
Speaker 2: It is us that we're not used to.
Speaker 3: That is true. That is true.
Speaker 1: Any discomfort at all for you people out near the beach,
Speaker 1: and I did.
Speaker 3: Mean you people.
Speaker 2: I played beach volleyball last night for two hours and
Speaker 2: it was so humid. Ye were cautiful sunset that way.
Speaker 2: It was seriously was though. I don't remember the sand
Speaker 2: ever sticking to me that much in my clothes, and
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my gosh, we're not used to
Speaker 2: that out here.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that answered that question because I asked if
Speaker 1: you were naked, but you weren't.
Speaker 2: Oh, playing beach volleyball. Yeah, you said you've done that
Speaker 2: before only at black speech once. Yeah, but that's not
Speaker 2: my in the volleyball was not very good. I play
Speaker 2: like good volleyball with people who are good volleyball players.
Speaker 3: So, oh, are you pretty serious about it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh yeah, you don't know. Yeah, I only play
Speaker 2: two persons, so beach volleyball, so like you got to
Speaker 2: you can't half ass when you've only got when you're
Speaker 2: covering half the court.
Speaker 3: I didn't realize you did that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, it's one of my favorite things too.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I actually a lot of this summer I missed the
Speaker 2: group I play with just because I was traveling and
Speaker 2: had work conflicts. And then now I played, I realized
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, why is my back
Speaker 2: so sore? I played three times in six days. So yeah,
Speaker 2: I would, you know, just a group and we set
Speaker 2: up our own nests and play and we're mostly you know,
Speaker 2: late forties, fifties, and but yeah, we only we solely
Speaker 2: played two on two, so you've got to be and
Speaker 2: we've got we only play on men's nest, which means
Speaker 2: I can't swing or do anything, and so you know,
Speaker 2: and some of the men, well you know, can pound
Speaker 2: the ball down. But yeah, it's great, one of my
Speaker 2: favorite things.
Speaker 3: Well that's awesome, Yes it is.
Speaker 2: So you are officially an empty nester.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, well okay, so yes, technically, but I must
Speaker 1: tell you that my boys, Dylan and Gavin are both
Speaker 1: home this weekend as of last night. So Dylan is
Speaker 1: home for his professional show in Oceanside called Stranger Sings,
Speaker 1: which is a I think it's the ocean Side Playhouse
Speaker 1: that it's a parody of Stranger Things. He is Michael
Speaker 1: or Mike Funny. Yeah, so he's a big part and
Speaker 1: he's doing so well with that. But he's so he's here.
Speaker 1: And then Gavin is at Fullerton, so an hour and
Speaker 1: a half away with no traffic, and he came in
Speaker 1: last night his girlfriend Maya, who is home for the
Speaker 1: summer from Stanford, who just finished an internship from Monterey Bay.
Speaker 1: It's as she is just a smart person, man, she
Speaker 1: is smart as a whip. But but she is home
Speaker 1: for the next three weeks. So he of course will
Speaker 1: be home on the weekend. But once October twenty first
Speaker 1: hits and Dylan's show is done, he will go back
Speaker 1: to school. Gavin will have already been back to school.
Speaker 1: We will officially be well, we are official, but we
Speaker 1: will literally be empty.
Speaker 2: Nestary literally will be there except you too.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, how are you feeling about that?
Speaker 3: Oh strange. I love when they're home. I love when
Speaker 3: they're home. I don't know when or if I'll ever
Speaker 3: get used to it.
Speaker 1: People tell me I will, but hey, it's the next
Speaker 1: chapter in their lives, you know, And and it's a
Speaker 1: good thing. I thank god that there, that they are
Speaker 1: pursuing their passion so amazing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, but it's it's weird.
Speaker 2: You did your job to help them fly.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1: My pocket books still doing some job. But ye, yes,
Speaker 1: well thanks for asking about what they're doing.
Speaker 3: Well, you know, it's funny.
Speaker 1: Gavin just told me about an exercise that he did
Speaker 1: in a classroom with his professor and he loves this professor,
Speaker 1: loves this person. And he said that a few weeks
Speaker 1: ago he had said, Hey, we're going to have you
Speaker 1: guys in socks.
Speaker 3: It's a team building.
Speaker 1: A lesson, and you guys are going to have to
Speaker 1: have two partners help one blindfolded partner, and you have
Speaker 1: to guide them physically, in other words, from either side
Speaker 1: of this little walking his path, and they have to
Speaker 1: avoid stepping on mouse traps. And I said to him,
Speaker 1: I go, just so you know, he's just doing that
Speaker 1: to scare you. There's no way he is legally going
Speaker 1: to put mouse traps, active mouse traps on the floor
Speaker 1: with you having nothing but socks. He goes, Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: kind of what I thought too, he goes, But I
Speaker 1: do wonder, he goes. Then I asked him and he said, no, No,
Speaker 1: they're real. And he said, I think you still just
Speaker 1: messing with me. So it was real.
Speaker 3: They actually did it.
Speaker 1: Nobody nobody got zapped, nobody got snapped. But I said
Speaker 1: to him, I said, my god, how does he get
Speaker 1: away with that? And I'm not even gonna question it.
Speaker 1: Gavin loved it. He said it was so much fun,
Speaker 1: he said. You know, he said, and after doing it,
Speaker 1: I realized would be so much harder to let somebody,
Speaker 1: if you're not paying attention, let somebody actually get snapped
Speaker 1: by the trap than it is to have them avoid it.
Speaker 1: That's the whole team building exercise. Look out for your
Speaker 1: teammates and yeah, and.
Speaker 2: How to do it, and how to communicate clearly, how
Speaker 2: to work as a team, how to put someone else's
Speaker 2: interests above your like all sorts of stuff.
Speaker 3: It's great, Yeah, but.
Speaker 1: He said, he was so I was racking his nerves
Speaker 1: watching one other team of the other of the other teams,
Speaker 1: because he said about three or four times on that
Speaker 1: path that course, he thought, oh my god, he's going
Speaker 1: to step on it. They're not going to help them. Well, no,
Speaker 1: he didn't do it.
Speaker 3: But so.
Speaker 2: You know what, I'm imagining doing this at a couple's
Speaker 2: retreats for couples who are just like on the verge
Speaker 2: of divorce, right, and how they'd be like, yeah, no, no,
Speaker 2: I think he needs to step on this. I need
Speaker 2: I think he needs to feel the pain I've been feeling.
Speaker 2: I could totally see. It's this very like resentful way
Speaker 2: of being passive aggressive, and you want to hurt your partner.
Speaker 1: And I think that would be a great indicator of
Speaker 1: whether or not you should stay married.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's yes, very good. Okay, that's my next venture.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go get the U r L now. Anyway,
Speaker 2: mouse trap marriage something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you've if you're at the point in your
Speaker 1: marriage where you've reached the mouse trap, the mousetrap marathon.
Speaker 1: This is do or die.
Speaker 2: My god, that'd be so fun to put something like
Speaker 2: that together. Yes, it would, but I don't want to
Speaker 2: deal with couples that are on the verge of divorce,
Speaker 2: because that is sticky and not fun.
Speaker 1: And you don't want to deal with couples who would
Speaker 1: sue you if they step.
Speaker 3: On the mouse trap.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, we got the whole legality thing too. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I have a good topic for you.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: My friend Brian, who listens to the show sometimes and
Speaker 2: we've done shout outs to him before, he wrote this
Speaker 2: to me. This is actually almost a month ago he
Speaker 2: wrote it. He texted to me and he said, Hey,
Speaker 2: there's this thing going around like wild on Twitter. Not
Speaker 2: sure it's seen it, but in my be a good
Speaker 2: topic for your podcast. And so it's somebody that wrote
Speaker 2: I think I destroyed our relationship trying to compliment my boyfriend.
Speaker 2: So this is a woman writing this online. My boyfriend
Speaker 2: and I are both twenty eight years old and together
Speaker 2: for two and a half years. Yesterday night we were
Speaker 2: Last night, we were drinking and one thing led to another,
Speaker 2: and I tried to compliment him by saying he is
Speaker 2: not someone who I would hook up with or be
Speaker 2: a friends with benefits with. But Mary, I thought everything
Speaker 2: was fine, but he seemed extremely distraught. After that, I
Speaker 2: realized how he understood it and tried to clarify it,
Speaker 2: but it seemed but he is still the same. This
Speaker 2: morning he told me that he needs space to think
Speaker 2: for a while and left the house. All my friends
Speaker 2: tell me I messed it up, and guys tell me
Speaker 2: it's not a compliment and most men will understand it differently.
Speaker 2: I think I destroyed our relationship and panicking right now.
Speaker 2: So what's your take on it?
Speaker 3: Well, here's my take.
Speaker 1: To be brutally honest, I would understand even if I
Speaker 1: were upset, and once you explained to me what you meant,
Speaker 1: I completely get what she's trying to say. It's not
Speaker 1: that she's not sexually attracted to him.
Speaker 3: She is.
Speaker 1: It's not that she doesn't think he's hot.
Speaker 3: She does.
Speaker 1: She just thinks more of him than just a hookup.
Speaker 1: So there's emotions involved. But even I'm going to say
Speaker 1: this now, this is going to be brutal, I think,
Speaker 1: and I hope I'm wrong, but this guy should understand
Speaker 1: after she explains it, and if he doesn't and now
Speaker 1: he needs space, there's more going on, yeah than just that.
Speaker 2: I totally agree with that, because I was like, what
Speaker 2: that seems a bit extreme.
Speaker 3: It's very extreme.
Speaker 1: So I hope for her sake it's not maybe I'm wrong,
Speaker 1: maybe you're wrong. Yeah, but I don't think that we are.
Speaker 1: I think that there is more going on, and I
Speaker 1: think she needs to look at that. I mean, if
Speaker 1: this dude comes back, say, you know, a day or
Speaker 1: two later and goes, look, I was an idiot, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I totally get it.
Speaker 3: I love you. That's different.
Speaker 1: But if it goes on for too long, to me,
Speaker 1: that is just an excuse to I don't know.
Speaker 3: There's more going on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I agree. And so then Brian shared this
Speaker 2: one response of somebody online said from a dude, the
Speaker 2: girlfriend here meant well and intended it as a compliment,
Speaker 2: but I could totally see why the boyfriend felt hurt
Speaker 2: by it. To him, it feels like she's telling him
Speaker 2: he's the boring.
Speaker 4: Choice she's settling for after having fun with sexier, cooler guys,
Speaker 4: and that taps into something deep that's interesting to me,
Speaker 4: Like that boring interpretation never crossed my mind, and I
Speaker 4: feel like it's.
Speaker 2: So missing the mark of how most women, if they
Speaker 2: would say something like this me, it means you are safe,
Speaker 2: you are trustworthy, you support me, We have depth of
Speaker 2: emotional connection. We also then have you know, ideally sexual
Speaker 2: chemistry and we attracted to each other. But like you
Speaker 2: have this depth of who you are and who you
Speaker 2: are for me, that you're somebody I would marry and
Speaker 2: not somebody that I would like dismiss mentally, emotionally and
Speaker 2: just want to get some sexual gratification from. But to me,
Speaker 2: that has nothing to do with boring. Like you could
Speaker 2: have somebody who's stable and reliable and trustworthy and still
Speaker 2: be a totally freaking fun person.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 1: So I'm with you on what you just said one
Speaker 1: hundred percent. There is one caveat, and I don't unless
Speaker 1: there's more to this. The only way that I would
Speaker 1: take it the way that that person just said, I
Speaker 1: would take it as boring and you're not that this
Speaker 1: and that you're not exciting is if they've already in
Speaker 1: this relationship stopped having sex. If they've stopped having sex
Speaker 1: and you say that, then it's kind of like yeah,
Speaker 1: as a guy, I would be like, wait, what Other
Speaker 1: than that, I don't take it that way at all, yes,
Speaker 1: or if.
Speaker 2: You have been told in your past, because I feel
Speaker 2: like everybody is projecting their own shit into this and
Speaker 2: like so like even the person that wrote that that, like, oh,
Speaker 2: is interman, is that he's that she's saying he's boring?
Speaker 2: Like I think no, armand dorma Luski on x, that's
Speaker 2: who wrote that post. I think that guy maybe has
Speaker 2: been told he's boring before or has an insecurity about it,
Speaker 2: and therefore that's why he read that into it.
Speaker 1: Maybe I don't know, but without armand Dormluski whatever, man,
Speaker 1: it seems to me you've been getting laid quite a bit.
Speaker 3: So I don't know if he has that kind of problem.
Speaker 2: You're like, just saying your name is enough for me.
Speaker 3: Right, what's your name?
Speaker 2: Armand armand.
Speaker 3: Okay check please.
Speaker 1: No, But yeah, I agree with you projecting their own
Speaker 1: I think we all do it.
Speaker 3: I mean I don't. I shouldn't say we all. What
Speaker 3: most of us do? I I know I have.
Speaker 2: Well, what most people don't do is that they don't
Speaker 2: realize they're doing it, and they are so sure that
Speaker 2: their interpretation is fact instead of realizing its interpretation.
Speaker 1: You know, I absolutely agree with that one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: I remember back in the day, and now I do
Speaker 1: stand by this. I will tell you that way back
Speaker 1: in the day girlfriend of mine. I was enamored with her.
Speaker 1: I at the time would have married her had she
Speaker 1: said let's go. Does not mean I regret where I'm
Speaker 1: out in my life. Now I don't. But at that
Speaker 1: time I was really in love. This woman was great,
Speaker 1: and we were sitting on the front lawn of my
Speaker 1: house and I remember her and now there had already
Speaker 1: been indications though here's the caveat that I was putting
Speaker 1: her on a pedestal and I was doing so much
Speaker 1: for her, and just I think in your twenties, you're
Speaker 1: not going to respect the other person if you've got
Speaker 1: insecurities yourself. Because why would they love me this much?
Speaker 1: Why is he who I thought was so hot? Because
Speaker 1: that's the story I got later, you know, treating me
Speaker 1: like a queen like this. But what she said to
Speaker 1: me was she just goes, I'm content, and to me,
Speaker 1: I went content. I didn't say this, I went out okay.
Speaker 1: But I took that as a complete like, I'm not
Speaker 1: super hot for you, I'm not in love with you.
Speaker 3: I'm not.
Speaker 1: That's exactly how I took all of that, based on
Speaker 1: our past couple of months, and so it led me
Speaker 1: to to later.
Speaker 2: On I just asked her what the word content meant
Speaker 2: to her.
Speaker 1: I don't remember. This is what's weird. I don't remember
Speaker 1: what I said after that. I just know that I
Speaker 1: wasn't a jerk or anything. I was just no, I
Speaker 1: do remember, that's right, this is coming back to me.
Speaker 1: We took a drive in my jeep and it upset
Speaker 1: me a little bit. I'm like, hey, so content, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, just just content and she's.
Speaker 3: Like, well, yeah, you know.
Speaker 1: And then that's when we did get into you know,
Speaker 1: her like, well, you know, you put me on this
Speaker 1: pedestal and I don't know, you just treat me like that.
Speaker 1: And I went and I do remember this now, and
Speaker 1: I said, I forget what she said. I said, well,
Speaker 1: look are you saying you want to see other people?
Speaker 1: Somehow we got to that and she said, I don't
Speaker 1: have anybody in mind, but but you know, like I
Speaker 1: don't know maybe, and I go and I just looked
Speaker 1: at it. I go, I go, you know what f that?
Speaker 1: I go, You're mine. And the funny thing is, I'd
Speaker 1: never been like that before. I was so happy, go lucky,
Speaker 1: pass it, doing everything for like everything. Yeah, it actually
Speaker 1: kind of turned her on. She goes, well, where was
Speaker 1: all of this before?
Speaker 2: And I, Oh, she wanted you to be like possessive.
Speaker 1: That's what's funny about Listen, I'm telling you, doctor Jen.
Speaker 1: At that age sometimes yes, but not overboard and so right, well,
Speaker 1: that's what.
Speaker 2: Because I know it's the whole idea that like, oh,
Speaker 2: somebody's jealous.
Speaker 1: That's so romantic, right, unless it's overboard. Nless, it's all
Speaker 1: the time and they can't get over it, that kind
Speaker 1: of thing every move you make, right, And I've been
Speaker 1: through that too before, not from my well, from my
Speaker 1: into but from an ext that was the stripper.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, she was nuts.
Speaker 1: At first I was like, oh, she's really into me,
Speaker 1: and then it was like she's psycho. But either way,
Speaker 1: this other girl, Yeah, that was that's when I made
Speaker 1: the decision that she is just not as into me,
Speaker 1: not even close as I was into her. So I
Speaker 1: was like, hey, I'm gonna let you go. And it
Speaker 1: was painful. God, that sucked.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean that's it's glad you had the
Speaker 2: self respect to do it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I at that time, in that moment, yes,
Speaker 1: I just was not going to settle for someone that
Speaker 1: I was so into who was not into me. But
Speaker 1: again back to this email, I do not think from
Speaker 1: the female side that that's what that was at all.
Speaker 1: I'm with you one hundred percent unless there was no intimacy.
Speaker 1: Otherwise that was just a total compliment. And I think
Speaker 1: he's got some things he's got to deal with.
Speaker 5: Yeah's interesting because it's like, we do you know the
Speaker 5: version of romantic intimacy and marriage that has been cultivated
Speaker 5: in the past, probably about one hundred years or so
Speaker 5: in the United States, really, and it didn't exist before.
Speaker 2: Really, is this idea that your romantic partner and then
Speaker 2: your future spouse should be all the things that we
Speaker 2: should be, all the things they should be, all the
Speaker 2: things they should be. They should be the friends with
Speaker 2: benefits that we'd want to hook up with and have
Speaker 2: crazy nights butt, and they should be stable and reliable
Speaker 2: and trustworthy. And we should have all these hobbies in common,
Speaker 2: and we should want to watch the same shows, and
Speaker 2: we should be able to have the depth of emotional
Speaker 2: and vulnerable conversation that we want, and we should parent
Speaker 2: in the same way. And and it's just kind of
Speaker 2: endless and almost impossible.
Speaker 3: It is God, I that I know is that and so.
Speaker 2: Your feelings fulfilled in that way, Clint, and you think
Speaker 2: you're that person, but it puts you know, it puts
Speaker 2: a lot of pressure on relationships and on ourselves and
Speaker 2: on our partners. So figuring out how to you know,
Speaker 2: in a healthy way to be like no, you know what,
Speaker 2: Like you have this person in your life that that
Speaker 2: is really good for this, or you have this group
Speaker 2: of guys that's good for this, or goodest group of women.
Speaker 2: And yes, of course I want to hear about these things,
Speaker 2: but I think they're better suited give you the support
Speaker 2: you need, or these people are better suited to go
Speaker 2: wine tasting with you because you love wine and you
Speaker 2: love staying out late. And so I mean, you've got
Speaker 2: to compromise and make sure you already you always are,
Speaker 2: you know, doing meaningful quality time things together and cultivating
Speaker 2: your life together and working on communication and connection. But
Speaker 2: like it's okay to have other people, you know, it
Speaker 2: takes a village and that's okay instead of putting all
Speaker 2: of the weight on one person to fulfill all of
Speaker 2: these things in your life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think I've always go by the
Speaker 1: eighty twenty rule. We've talked about that before, where eighty
Speaker 1: percent good, twenty percent not. And I think I think
Speaker 1: that's a decent balance. I mean, but no one's ever
Speaker 1: going to be a hindre percent. That's just my opinion.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, things like that, like thinking eighty twenty.
Speaker 2: Some of it depends on like how do you how
Speaker 2: do you measure things? How do you wait things? Because
Speaker 2: maybe you're like, wow, we only have one thing that's
Speaker 2: not working for us, and all these other things are amazing,
Speaker 2: but that one thing actually means a toun to me
Speaker 2: and weighs heavier than other things. So I guess it
Speaker 2: would just depend on how people measure that for themselves.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I didn't actually think about it in those terms.
Speaker 1: But of course, once again you throw the smarts into
Speaker 1: this conversation, and now I'm gone, huh, she's.
Speaker 2: Right, yeah, because it's not like a one like you
Speaker 2: just have a list and each thing counts for you know,
Speaker 2: one point, you could easily have something you're like, this
Speaker 2: does matter to me, however these other things rank higher
Speaker 2: so and that you know could change with age and priorities,
Speaker 2: and you know, empty nusters those are different. You know,
Speaker 2: you're not focusing on running the household and the kids
Speaker 2: and all of that in the same way. So it's
Speaker 2: a time to reassess what your priorities and your needs
Speaker 2: and your desires are for the next, you know, thirty
Speaker 2: years together. So do you feel like you guys are
Speaker 2: doing that in your marriage right now?
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, yeah, we're well again, most of it,
Speaker 1: not all of it. And you're right now I'm thinking, okay, well,
Speaker 1: what outweighs what one thing or what part of that
Speaker 1: outweighs the other?
Speaker 3: You know what I mean in importance? I mean for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, that's a great question. Yeah, I think we
Speaker 1: are for the most part.
Speaker 2: I mean you're having those conversations.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, we're talking about oh yeah, yeah, oh, just
Speaker 1: thinking about that now.
Speaker 2: Good.
Speaker 1: Uh. You know, I'm starting work here in about five
Speaker 1: minutes and we're at about twenty minutes now, even though
Speaker 1: I love talking longer, So maybe that is our cue
Speaker 1: to step out. But I value you, doctor Jen, and
Speaker 1: I can't wait until we talk again. And by the way,
Speaker 1: I could never have a one night stand with you.
Speaker 2: Why I'm relationship materials.
Speaker 3: See, you took the compliments and you trashed it.
Speaker 2: They no, yeah, that's yeah, no, that's just felt awkward.
Speaker 2: That's just felt awkward, uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it that way. Geez.
Speaker 2: Well, it's ever when I can't see your face too
Speaker 2: because around the because you're in studio.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I will tell our listeners too, because I
Speaker 2: had another one of our folks that likes to write
Speaker 2: in and gives us great topics. I was going to
Speaker 2: cover that topic, but it had you know, it was
Speaker 2: more sexual themed. Because you're in studio and always afraid
Speaker 2: that something could end up on air by accident, I
Speaker 2: shied away from that this time.
Speaker 1: All right, then how about next week we'll do it
Speaker 1: and I'll make sure we're on the zoom and I'll
Speaker 1: be at home.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, sounds great, Thank you? Cool? All right, I'm
Speaker 2: I'm happy for you to be back to afternoon, So
Speaker 2: have a great show this afternoon.
Speaker 1: It's a better schedule for me, and thank you.