WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:06.280 Hello everyone, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, the 2 00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:10.640 Bible teaching ministry that's here to encourage and inspire you 3 00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:16.440 every day. And today we're continuing our series called Awesome Relationships. 4 00:00:16.760 --> 00:00:20.000 In it, Rick Warren shaars practical ways to help you 5 00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:25.039 take your relationships with family, friends, co workers, and even 6 00:00:25.160 --> 00:00:30.000 God from ordinary to extraordinary. And this is a series 7 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:33.159 you don't want to miss. All right, let's join Rick 8 00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:36.560 now for part one of a message called six Keys 9 00:00:36.600 --> 00:00:38.719 to Peace in Relationships. 10 00:00:39.439 --> 00:00:41.679 Now, there was a pastor this last week who will 11 00:00:41.719 --> 00:00:46.840 remain unnamed to protect the guilty, and he went over 12 00:00:46.880 --> 00:00:51.960 to visit an elderly woman in our church. She had 13 00:00:51.960 --> 00:00:53.799 lost her husband a number of years ago. She's in 14 00:00:53.799 --> 00:00:56.240 her eighties. And he went over to just pay her visit. 15 00:00:56.280 --> 00:00:57.960 And as he sat there in her living room, is 16 00:00:58.039 --> 00:01:00.359 right around lunchtime, and it's kind of how hungry, and 17 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:02.799 she had a big bowl of peanuts, and as they talked, 18 00:01:03.240 --> 00:01:05.079 he ate one, and of course she can't eat just one, 19 00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:06.640 and he started eating more and more, and when they 20 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:09.680 finally finished, he realized he'd eaten the entire bowl of peanuts. 21 00:01:11.159 --> 00:01:14.079 He felt a little embarrassed by it, and he said 22 00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:18.439 to this elderly woman, He said, you know, I'm really 23 00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:22.280 sorry I've eaten all your peanuts. And she said, oh, 24 00:01:22.319 --> 00:01:24.640 don't worry. Past She said, I can't show on him. 25 00:01:24.680 --> 00:01:34.560 After I've sucked the chocolate off, he said, you know, 26 00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:41.280 I felt a little foolish. Now. We all do foolish 27 00:01:41.359 --> 00:01:48.079 things from time to time, usually unintentionally, sometimes intentionally. You'd 28 00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:51.719 have a lot fewer problems if you were less foolish 29 00:01:51.760 --> 00:01:55.760 and more wise. Wisdom doesn't get rid of your problems, 30 00:01:55.799 --> 00:02:00.920 but wisdom definitely minimizes your problems. You know how to 31 00:02:01.000 --> 00:02:05.280 respond wisely the situations your problems will be dramatically reduced 32 00:02:05.319 --> 00:02:08.520 in your life. It's all about wisdom, knowing how to 33 00:02:08.599 --> 00:02:13.000 handle things and not be foolish. Now. Nowhere are we 34 00:02:13.080 --> 00:02:19.000 more foolish than in our relationships. We foolishly treat people 35 00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:24.000 in ways that are really counterproductive. In fact, a lot 36 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:27.280 of times we provoke people to do the very behavior 37 00:02:27.400 --> 00:02:31.960 we don't want. We foolishly think this is how I'm 38 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:33.840 going to get what I need out of this relationship. 39 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:39.919 More fulfillment, more intimacy, more joy, more satisfaction, more stability. 40 00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:44.560 I need my relationships to be fulfilling, not draining. But 41 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:49.840 actually the things you do are often counterproductive. They are foolish, 42 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:53.560 they are not wise, because if you do what you 43 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:56.520 naturally feel like doing in a relationship, it's almost always 44 00:02:56.599 --> 00:03:02.520 the wrong thing. Said, wisdom doesn't eliminate problems, but it 45 00:03:02.599 --> 00:03:07.000 definitely does reduce them. Now, the classic passage on wisdom 46 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:10.360 and relationships is in the Book of James, chapter three, 47 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:12.719 verses thirteen to eighteen. Let me read it to you. 48 00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:14.680 It's there on your outline, it's here on the screen. 49 00:03:16.360 --> 00:03:20.039 The Bible says this, if you are wise and you 50 00:03:20.120 --> 00:03:24.199 understand God's ways, you'll live a life of steady goodness, 51 00:03:24.199 --> 00:03:27.000 so that only good deeds pour forth. And if you 52 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:29.879 don't brag about the good you do, then you will 53 00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:36.240 be truly wise. But if you are bitterly jealous and 54 00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:39.680 there's selfish ambition in your heart, don't brag about being wise. 55 00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:43.039 That's the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness 56 00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:47.479 are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly 57 00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:51.560 and unspiritual, and motivated by the devil. For wherever there 58 00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:55.560 is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder. Now, 59 00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:57.759 let me just stop right there. You got any chaos 60 00:03:57.759 --> 00:04:00.280 in your life, got any disorder in your life, Got 61 00:04:00.280 --> 00:04:03.840 any area of your life that's confused. The Bible says, 62 00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:07.199 wherever you find confusion, wherever you find this harmony, wherever 63 00:04:07.240 --> 00:04:12.080 you find this order, there's ego. There's ego. Whether it's 64 00:04:12.120 --> 00:04:16.000 an office or at home or at school. He says, 65 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:19.680 wherever you find jealousy and selfish ambition, you'll find disorder 66 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:23.000 in every kind of evil. Now, wisdom, the kind of 67 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:26.319 wisdom that comes from heaven, is first of all pure. 68 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:30.720 It's also peace loving, gentle at all times, willing to 69 00:04:30.839 --> 00:04:33.439 yield to others. It's full of mercy and good deeds. 70 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:39.000 It shows no partiality, and it's always sincere. Now, those 71 00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:42.120 who are peacemakers he's talking about in relationships. Those who 72 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:46.399 are peacemakers plant seeds of peace, and they reap a 73 00:04:46.519 --> 00:04:49.600 harvest of goodness. Now, these verses teach us a whole 74 00:04:49.600 --> 00:04:52.040 lot about relationships that you're not going to learn anywhere 75 00:04:52.079 --> 00:04:56.120 else in life. First, the Bible teaches us that wisdom 76 00:04:56.519 --> 00:04:59.759 is a way of relating. It has to do with 77 00:04:59.800 --> 00:05:03.199 what you do, not what you think. A lot of 78 00:05:03.240 --> 00:05:08.319 people think wisdom is intelligence. Wisdom is smart. Wisdom is education. 79 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:11.680 No no, no no. The world is full of educated fools. 80 00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:18.040 The Bible says that wisdom shows up primarily in your relationships. 81 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:21.720 You may have all kinds of knowledge and still be 82 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:24.839 a fool. You may have all kinds of education, so 83 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:30.199 many degrees they call you doctor Fahrenheit, but you to 84 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:33.519 still be foolish. You can have all kinds of brilliance 85 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:40.279 and be technically smart, but wisdom shows up in relationships. 86 00:05:40.720 --> 00:05:43.360 So why you can take a brilliant scientist whose family 87 00:05:43.399 --> 00:05:45.680 life is a mess. He may be smart, but he's 88 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:51.000 not wise. Wisdom always has to do with relationships, and 89 00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:54.279 it shows up in how you treat other people. In 90 00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:57.120 other words, it's about your life, not your lips. It's 91 00:05:57.160 --> 00:06:00.800 about what you do, not what you say. Say. It's 92 00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:06.399 not about your diploma, it's about your disposition. And in 93 00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:08.399 verse fourteen to sixteen, it says, you know the way 94 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:11.680 we typically relate to people, He said, those ways are foolish. 95 00:06:12.199 --> 00:06:15.199 When we get bitter, when we get angry, when we 96 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:18.879 get resentful, when we get jealous, when we get selfish 97 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:22.399 and ambitious in relationships, he does, all those are foolish 98 00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:24.639 ways that don't get you what you want and what 99 00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:29.680 you need out of the relationship. In verse eighteen, it 100 00:06:29.800 --> 00:06:33.279 says those who plant, those who are peacemakers, plant seeds 101 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:37.000 of peace and reap a harvest of goodness. Every day 102 00:06:37.879 --> 00:06:43.199 in every relationship, you are planting seeds. Let's say it again, 103 00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:49.160 every day, in every relationship, you are planting seeds, and 104 00:06:49.199 --> 00:06:52.439 you're going to reap what you sew. Now you're planting 105 00:06:52.519 --> 00:06:57.439 either seeds of trust or distrust. You're planting seeds of 106 00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:03.160 anger or peace, planting seeds of love or harmony. You're 107 00:07:03.160 --> 00:07:07.000 planting seeds in every relationship in your life, every single day. 108 00:07:07.959 --> 00:07:10.360 The question is what kinds of seeds? How do I 109 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:15.040 plant seeds of peace? And the answer is, I got 110 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:18.199 to be wise. I've got to be wise. I've got 111 00:07:18.240 --> 00:07:21.959 to do it the wise way. Now what we're gonna 112 00:07:21.959 --> 00:07:24.399 do today is we're gonna look at this passage because 113 00:07:24.439 --> 00:07:28.959 it teaches us the six things that wise people never 114 00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:34.639 do in relationships. And I've done every one of them, 115 00:07:34.759 --> 00:07:38.800 and so have you. And they are foolish approaches to 116 00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:41.959 your relationships. Your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband, your wife, 117 00:07:41.959 --> 00:07:47.759 your friends, your boss, your employees, the neighbors. These are 118 00:07:47.879 --> 00:07:52.879 six things that wise people never do, and in verse seventeen, 119 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:56.680 James gives us a checklist. These are the foundations of 120 00:07:56.839 --> 00:08:01.720 healthy relationships. Now in the Future series eight weeks, we're 121 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:04.120 going to look at the crazy makers in your life. 122 00:08:04.279 --> 00:08:08.000 How to diffuse, deflect, and defend yourself against the crazy makers. 123 00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:14.639 But in any relationship, half the problem is you. It's 124 00:08:14.680 --> 00:08:18.879 how you respond. And when you respond incorrectly to the 125 00:08:18.920 --> 00:08:23.000 crazy makers in your life, you actually make it worse. 126 00:08:24.959 --> 00:08:28.639 So let's get right into it. Foundations of healthy relationship. 127 00:08:28.759 --> 00:08:33.919 Six things wise people will never do in relationships. Number one. First, 128 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:36.759 the Bible says that wisdom, if I want to be wise, 129 00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:40.159 wisdom that comes from Heaven, is first of all pure. 130 00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:42.960 Now circle that word pure. What's he mean by this 131 00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:48.039 word pure? It means uncorrupted, clean, unpolluted, clear, untainted. What's 132 00:08:48.039 --> 00:08:51.360 he talking about. The word we use today is the 133 00:08:51.399 --> 00:08:57.360 word integrity. He's talking about integrity, and he's saying, the 134 00:08:57.399 --> 00:09:03.559 foundation of all good relationship is integrity. Now, why is 135 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:06.840 integrity listened first? Because wisdom starts in the heart, not 136 00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:10.200 in the head. And the reason integrity is listed first 137 00:09:10.279 --> 00:09:15.879 is this. All relationships are built on trust. No trust, 138 00:09:16.120 --> 00:09:20.879 no relationship and all trust is built on truth. If 139 00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:23.240 you don't have truth, you don't have trust. If you 140 00:09:23.240 --> 00:09:25.600 don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. If a 141 00:09:25.639 --> 00:09:27.879 guy's lying to his wife all the time, he may 142 00:09:27.919 --> 00:09:30.879 have an arrangement, but he doesn't have a relationship. He 143 00:09:30.919 --> 00:09:33.519 may have a commitment, but he doesn't have a relationship. 144 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:38.879 Because relationships are built on truth, because truth is the 145 00:09:38.919 --> 00:09:42.600 foundation of trust. Honesty is the bedrock of all relationships. 146 00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:45.600 You gotta be honest, you gotta shoot straight with people. 147 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:48.679 If you're just lying to the people in your life, 148 00:09:49.559 --> 00:09:53.200 you don't have a relationship. You've probably never heard of 149 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:56.159 Leonard Keeler, but Leonard Keeler is a pretty famous guy. 150 00:09:56.200 --> 00:10:01.720 Doctor Leonard Keeler invented the lie detector, and during his 151 00:10:01.759 --> 00:10:07.519 lifetime he tested over twenty five thousand people on the 152 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:10.840 light detector. He wrote a book about it. His conclusion, 153 00:10:11.639 --> 00:10:16.759 we all lie well duh, He says, human beings are 154 00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:21.399 fundamentally and by nature dishonest. You light to God, you 155 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:23.639 light to other people, and you lie to yourself all 156 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:25.799 the time. In fact, you lie to you more than 157 00:10:25.799 --> 00:10:30.480 anybody else. We have the amazing ability to tell ourselves 158 00:10:30.519 --> 00:10:33.440 things that aren't true and convince ourselves that they are. 159 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:37.279 You lie to yourself all the time, the Bible says, 160 00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:39.679 the heart is deceitful. That means we have an amazing 161 00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:43.039 ability to con ourselves. We think things are right when 162 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:45.519 they're not, and we think things are not right when 163 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.519 they are. And so he says, you got to start 164 00:10:48.600 --> 00:10:53.000 with integrity. The Bible says in Ephesians, look up here 165 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:55.840 on the screen Ephesians four to twenty five. You must 166 00:10:55.879 --> 00:10:59.360 stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because we 167 00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:02.200 all belong to each other in the same body. Now 168 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:05.679 Here is the first mark of wisdom. If you want 169 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:09.960 your relationships to get better, this summer Number one is this. 170 00:11:11.320 --> 00:11:15.440 If I want to be wise in my relationships, I 171 00:11:15.519 --> 00:11:22.120 won't compromise my integrity. I won't compromise my integrity. I 172 00:11:22.159 --> 00:11:26.759 won't violate my conscience. I won't compromise my convictions. I 173 00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:29.919 won't live a double life. I won't lie to you. 174 00:11:30.279 --> 00:11:33.519 I'll tell you the truth. Because trust is built on truth. 175 00:11:33.840 --> 00:11:39.000 No truth, no trust, no trust, no relationship. Proverbs two, 176 00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:43.639 verse seven says this there on your outline, God grants 177 00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:46.279 a treasure of good sense. And by the way, that's 178 00:11:46.279 --> 00:11:50.159 what you need. In relationships. You need a treasury of 179 00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:54.440 good sense. God grants a treasure of good sense to 180 00:11:54.519 --> 00:11:59.559 the godly. He is their shield protecting those who walk 181 00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:02.679 with into You need a shield in your life against 182 00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:05.120 the crazy makers. There are people who try to mess 183 00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:07.360 up your life all the time. And God says I 184 00:12:07.399 --> 00:12:10.000 will be a shield in your life. You need a 185 00:12:10.039 --> 00:12:12.960 shield against crazy makers. But he says you got to 186 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:15.879 walk with integrity if you're going to have my shield 187 00:12:16.039 --> 00:12:19.480 in your life. So first, wisdom is pure, and if 188 00:12:19.480 --> 00:12:21.480 I want to be wise in my relationships, I won't 189 00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:26.360 compromise my integrity. Number two, wisdom is peace loving. That's 190 00:12:26.360 --> 00:12:28.559 the second thing that says. In other words, wise people 191 00:12:28.600 --> 00:12:32.200 are peace makers. They're not trouble makers. Wise people don't 192 00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:36.039 carry chip on their shoulder. Wise people are not always 193 00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:38.679 looking for a fight. Do you love a good fight, 194 00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:43.200 then you're not wise. The Bible says wisdom is peace loving. 195 00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:46.799 Fools love to fight. Just go on the internet. There 196 00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:50.840 it's full of them. Just look up any blog. Foolish 197 00:12:50.919 --> 00:12:54.120 people love to fight, they love to argue, they love 198 00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:56.320 to mix it up with people. Some people get into 199 00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:59.360 politics just because they love with a fight. That's not smart, 200 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:04.840 it's foolish. The Bible says wisdom is peace loving, it's 201 00:13:04.840 --> 00:13:07.879 not always trying to provoke anger. So here's the second thing. 202 00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:11.080 If I want to be wise in my relationships, I 203 00:13:11.159 --> 00:13:19.000 won't antagonize your anger. I won't antagonize your anger. In 204 00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:23.320 other words, I don't push your hot buttons intentionally. I 205 00:13:23.360 --> 00:13:27.960 don't provoke your rage. I don't egg you on. Now, 206 00:13:28.919 --> 00:13:31.840 the fact is, if you've been around anybody for any 207 00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:35.720 length of time, you've pretty soon figure out what irritates them, 208 00:13:36.039 --> 00:13:38.039 and you file that back in the back of your 209 00:13:38.039 --> 00:13:41.200 mind as tool to use when we get in an argument. 210 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:47.600 It's a weapon of mass destruction. And you know what 211 00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:51.480 pushes their button, and you know what just ticks them off. 212 00:13:51.720 --> 00:13:54.120 And when you get in an argument and they say 213 00:13:54.159 --> 00:13:57.320 something that hurts you, offends you, or slights you in 214 00:13:57.360 --> 00:14:00.120 any way, then you pull out the big gun. You 215 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.440 use the weapon of mass destruction. You push their hot button, 216 00:14:03.480 --> 00:14:07.679 and you go and they go. When you go, works 217 00:14:07.720 --> 00:14:11.639 every works every time. You know what the Bible calls 218 00:14:11.639 --> 00:14:17.039 that stupid, You're not getting any closer to the resolution. 219 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:20.279 You're not helping the relationship. In fact, you're hurting it. 220 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:24.720 It is not wise if I'm wise. I don't antagonize 221 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:28.639 your anger. I don't use weapons of mass destruction that 222 00:14:28.759 --> 00:14:30.600 I know are going to tick you off. I don't 223 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:33.679 push your buttons, even when I know what your buttons are, 224 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:36.559 and even when you've already pushed mine. I'm going to 225 00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:39.159 be the wiser person, and I'm not going to push back. 226 00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:44.440 Proverbs twenty verse three says this, any fool can start 227 00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:48.039 an argument. Any fool can start arguments. The wise thing 228 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:50.559 is to stay out of them. So don't be baited 229 00:14:50.600 --> 00:14:54.360 by internet trolls who you know they'll say something off 230 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:57.639 the wall and then you get stuck arguing with them online. 231 00:14:57.720 --> 00:15:02.080 You don't even care about these people, he says, don't, 232 00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:05.759 don't get baited, don't don't get baited, and don't antagonize 233 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:10.440 people's anger. Now, during this series, we're gonna have some 234 00:15:10.559 --> 00:15:13.559 fun because we're gonna laugh at ourselves, because we all 235 00:15:13.799 --> 00:15:18.120 use tools, tricks of the trade, skills and relationships that 236 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:22.480 are actually counterproductive. They're hurtful, they're harmful, and they don't 237 00:15:22.519 --> 00:15:24.840 get you what you want out of relationship. In fact, 238 00:15:24.919 --> 00:15:28.600 they get you the exact opposite behavior. But when we 239 00:15:28.679 --> 00:15:31.639 lack wisdom, we use them anyway. Now, there are lots 240 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:33.240 of these, we're gonna look at them in the weeks ahead. 241 00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:36.799 Let me just mention three of them today. Tools that 242 00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:40.639 you should never use because these always antagonize other people's anger. 243 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.960 If you're wise, you're never gonna do these things anymore 244 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:48.240 with people in relationships. Number one is comparing. You may 245 00:15:48.279 --> 00:15:52.639 write that one down. Comparing. You're gonna antagonize somebody's anger 246 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:55.960 when you start comparing them to anybody else. It always 247 00:15:56.200 --> 00:15:59.600 makes them mad. Why can't you be like so and so? 248 00:16:00.360 --> 00:16:04.000 Or you're always like so and so, or you're just 249 00:16:04.200 --> 00:16:09.159 like your mother. Oh, that's very helpful. Okay, you can 250 00:16:09.519 --> 00:16:12.480 guess the predictable response to that one. You're just like 251 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.000 your mother, Oh, thank you, Or you're just like your dad. 252 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:20.080 Second Corinthians ten twelve says anybody who compares is a fool. 253 00:16:20.879 --> 00:16:26.240 It's foolish, it's not wise. Never compare your wife, your husband, 254 00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:30.200 your kids, your yard, your boss, or anybody else, because 255 00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:38.600 everybody's unique. Comparing antagonizes anger, Condemning antagonizes answer. Don't do it. 256 00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:43.240 When you start laying on the guilt in a relationship, 257 00:16:43.480 --> 00:16:45.960 you start trying to make people feel guilty for what 258 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:49.039 they've done. You start trying to make them feel ashamed. 259 00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:53.200 You should be ashamed. All you're going to do is 260 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:56.360 get the exact opposite of what you expect. It doesn't work. 261 00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:02.279 It's foolish, ladies. Let me explain something to you. Every 262 00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:08.200 man is fighting his conscience all the time, whether he 263 00:17:08.279 --> 00:17:11.880 realizes it or not. He may not even realize it, 264 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:18.200 but every man is constantly fighting his conscience. When you 265 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:22.279 decide to be a man's conscience, guess who he gets 266 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:26.200 angry at. He takes all that anger he's fighting against 267 00:17:26.279 --> 00:17:29.160 himself and his own conscience and his own ethics, and 268 00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:34.039 he just turns it on you. Is that what you want? No, no, 269 00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:36.880 you don't want that. So that's a foolish thing to do. 270 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:39.839 Don't try to be somebody else's god. Don't try to 271 00:17:39.880 --> 00:17:43.319 be somebody else's conscience. You should, you must, you ought, 272 00:17:43.480 --> 00:17:46.200 you need to, you always, you never anytime you use 273 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:50.559 those words dumb, because all you're gonna do is you're 274 00:17:50.559 --> 00:17:52.880 gonna take that guys who's fighting his own conscience, and 275 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:55.359 all of a sudden he starts fighting you because you 276 00:17:55.440 --> 00:18:02.759 represent his conscience. It doesn't work. Comparing and condemning and 277 00:18:02.839 --> 00:18:07.960 number three. Contradicting always makes people mad. You ever watch 278 00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:12.160 the spouse correct every detail of a story while the 279 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:17.359 other person's telling it. It's irritating. Anybody want to give 280 00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:23.079 a testimony, Okay, it's irritating. If I'm wise, I won't 281 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:26.240 antagonize your anger. If you're wise, you don't sweat the 282 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:30.279 small stuff. Okay, you just don't sweat it. You don't 283 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.160 sweat the small stuff. You don't get hooked into it. 284 00:18:33.359 --> 00:18:38.039 William James, the famous psychologist, said, wisdom is the art 285 00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:42.240 of knowing what to overlook. And there's some stuff you 286 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.559 just need to overlook, and you not try to make 287 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:49.400 a big deal that you're not contradicting. Proverbs fourteen twenty 288 00:18:49.480 --> 00:18:54.279 nine says this. A wise man controls his temper. He 289 00:18:54.359 --> 00:18:59.279 knows that anger causes mistakes. Have you ever said or 290 00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:03.359 done anything stupid out of anger? Yes, because when you 291 00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:09.839 get angry, your intelligence goes out the window. When you 292 00:19:09.839 --> 00:19:13.240 get angry, you say and do stupid things that are 293 00:19:13.319 --> 00:19:16.200 actually self defeating. Did you know there's only one letter 294 00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:22.279 difference between anger and danger. When you get angry, you 295 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:26.400 are in dangerous territory. You are about to hurt yourself 296 00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:31.279 with your own anger. The Bible says, wise man controls 297 00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:35.480 his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes. So if 298 00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:40.839 I'm wise, I don't compromise my integrity, and I don't 299 00:19:40.880 --> 00:19:46.319 antagonize your anger. Number three, the third thing the Bible says, 300 00:19:46.359 --> 00:19:51.200 wisdom is gentle all the time. It's gentle all the time. 301 00:19:51.640 --> 00:19:54.559 It is courteous. The Bible says. In the Living Bible 302 00:19:54.920 --> 00:20:00.279 NIV translates it considerate. If I'm wise, I'm always to 303 00:20:00.319 --> 00:20:03.240 be considerate. Look up here on the screen. The Philippians 304 00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:06.519 four or five says this in the Bible. Let everyone 305 00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:11.759 see that you are considerate in most of everything you do. Oh, 306 00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:14.400 I didn't say that. It says, let everybody see that 307 00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:17.759 you are considerate in what all you do. I don't 308 00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:20.519 like that word. I looked it up in the original Greek. 309 00:20:20.559 --> 00:20:24.839 It means all, wait a minute. You mean I have 310 00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:27.599 to be considered when people are inconsiderate to me. Yes, 311 00:20:28.519 --> 00:20:31.799 I have to be considered to clerks who are jerks. Yes, 312 00:20:33.599 --> 00:20:35.200 when people are rude to me. I don't get to 313 00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:38.279 be rude back. No, not if I'm smart. If I'm foolish, 314 00:20:38.519 --> 00:20:41.519 I can get back. But if I want to be 315 00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:46.640 wise if I want to have wisdom, I am always, always, 316 00:20:47.319 --> 00:20:51.559 always considerate. I am not allowed to call you names. 317 00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:54.359 I am not allowed to be rude to you. I'm 318 00:20:54.400 --> 00:20:57.319 not allowed to slur you back. I'm not allowed to 319 00:20:57.359 --> 00:20:59.519 get even because that puts me on the same level 320 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:04.680 as you. I am always to be considerate. Now this 321 00:21:04.839 --> 00:21:08.440 is so important. Wise people are considerate even when people 322 00:21:08.480 --> 00:21:13.039 are blasting away at them. Why because being considerate is 323 00:21:13.079 --> 00:21:17.160 the antidote to the two most common mistakes foolish mistakes 324 00:21:17.240 --> 00:21:21.519 that you make in relationships. The two most common mistakes 325 00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:24.119 that you make in relationships, and the first mistake you 326 00:21:24.160 --> 00:21:29.240 make is we react to what people say and ignore 327 00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:33.119 how people feel. We pay too much attention to their 328 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:37.240 words and not enough attention to their emotions. The words 329 00:21:37.319 --> 00:21:41.640 don't really matter. People say stuff when they're angry. They 330 00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:44.640 don't even mean They use words they don't even intend 331 00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:48.160 to use. They exaggerate things. But you need to look 332 00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:51.519 behind the words and look at the emotion, because that's 333 00:21:51.519 --> 00:21:53.720 what it is. People don't always say what they mean, 334 00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:58.079 but they always feel what they feel. And so if 335 00:21:58.119 --> 00:22:01.839 you are wise in a relationship, you stop focusing on 336 00:22:01.920 --> 00:22:04.839 what your kids or your boyfriend or your husband or 337 00:22:04.839 --> 00:22:08.720 your wife or your boss says that just picks you off, 338 00:22:09.000 --> 00:22:12.119 and you start looking behind and go, what's the emotion 339 00:22:12.279 --> 00:22:15.240 they're feeling there? And why are they feeling that emotion? 340 00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:19.920 That's what wise people do you see? Being considerate means 341 00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:25.400 simply mindful of the feelings of others. To be considerate 342 00:22:25.519 --> 00:22:29.160 means mindful of the feelings of others, not the words, 343 00:22:29.400 --> 00:22:32.319 but the feeling. And if I'm considerate, even when you 344 00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:35.440 blast me, I look beyond and I go, what would 345 00:22:35.440 --> 00:22:38.480 cause them to feel that way? And I just let 346 00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:40.119 the words roll right past me, and I go, what 347 00:22:40.119 --> 00:22:43.039 would cause them to be that uptight, that irritated? That 348 00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:49.759 rude hurt people always hurt people. Unkind people are those 349 00:22:49.799 --> 00:22:54.039 who need your kindness the most. They need massive doses 350 00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:57.319 of kindness. When people are rude and unkind, they are 351 00:22:57.359 --> 00:23:03.000 screaming to the world, I'm in pain. People who are 352 00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:06.279 not in pain are kind. People who are always in 353 00:23:06.359 --> 00:23:11.440 pain are unkind and rude. Hurt people hurt people. So 354 00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:15.279 you look beyond the words and you look at the feelings. 355 00:23:15.480 --> 00:23:18.559 Romans fifteen to two says this here on the screen, 356 00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:22.720 we must be considerate. That means mindful of the feelings 357 00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:27.319 of others, of the doubts everybody's got doubts, and the fears. 358 00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:32.640 Everybody's got fears of others. Let's please the other person, 359 00:23:32.720 --> 00:23:36.160 not ourselves, in doing what's good for him and build 360 00:23:36.359 --> 00:23:39.960 him up. We react to what people say and ignore 361 00:23:39.960 --> 00:23:42.640 what they're feeling. Big mistake. The other mistake we do 362 00:23:43.000 --> 00:23:46.480 is we invalidate any feelings that we don't feel ourselves. 363 00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:50.720 I don't feel it, so you shouldn't. If I don't 364 00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:54.960 feel what you feel, then your feeling is dumb. It's irrational, 365 00:23:55.079 --> 00:23:58.480 it's illogical, it makes no sense, and you shouldn't feel it. 366 00:23:58.519 --> 00:24:01.000 And we just dismiss it because we don't feel it, 367 00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:06.160 then you shouldn't feel it. That's foolish, That is not wise. 368 00:24:07.799 --> 00:24:10.920 You ever played this game? It's cold in here? No 369 00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:15.759 it's not. Yes, it's cold in here. No it's not. 370 00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:21.200 I'm cold. No you're not. Actually it's quite warm. In fact, 371 00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:24.480 I'm burning up in here. No you're not. And you 372 00:24:24.519 --> 00:24:29.640 start arguing over you know, all kinds of stuff. You know, 373 00:24:30.200 --> 00:24:33.839 it's just a feeling. It's not a fact. It's just 374 00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:37.240 a feeling. You can argue over facts. This is a feeling. 375 00:24:37.440 --> 00:24:39.519 Can somebody be cold and somebody else be warm at 376 00:24:39.559 --> 00:24:43.960 the same time? Yes, yes, So why are you arguing 377 00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:50.359 about it? Whoever invented the dual control electric blankets should 378 00:24:50.359 --> 00:24:55.920 be given the Nobel Peace Price. It's saved millions of marriages. 379 00:24:58.200 --> 00:25:01.920 When we invalidate other people's we don't feel it, we 380 00:25:02.000 --> 00:25:06.519 minimize that person. Guys, if your girlfriend or your wife 381 00:25:06.519 --> 00:25:11.519 says to you, I feel ugly, you don't dismiss it. 382 00:25:11.559 --> 00:25:17.000 You're not ugly. That doesn't help at all. What you 383 00:25:17.079 --> 00:25:20.359 need to do is say why would you feel that? 384 00:25:21.519 --> 00:25:25.200 What would make you say that? Because you need to 385 00:25:25.240 --> 00:25:28.480 look beyond the feeling. I mean, I mean the words 386 00:25:28.599 --> 00:25:31.839 and say why don't she say she's obviously not ugly? 387 00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:35.160 But for you to just say you're not ugly, that's 388 00:25:35.200 --> 00:25:39.400 not helpful. That's not helpful. When they says I feel ugly, 389 00:25:39.480 --> 00:25:41.200 you need to go why would you say that? What's 390 00:25:41.240 --> 00:25:44.319 making you feel that? Today? Now you're getting to the 391 00:25:44.359 --> 00:25:49.359 real issue. Somebody says I'm afraid, well, don't be Oh, 392 00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:53.599 thank you, that was very helpful. I really felt your 393 00:25:53.640 --> 00:25:56.759 moral support right there. Just then, I will I'm scared 394 00:25:56.799 --> 00:26:00.759 to death, And you say, don't thank you? Very much. 395 00:26:01.599 --> 00:26:06.720 That is minimizing. Now, if you don't get anything else, 396 00:26:06.759 --> 00:26:12.359 I say, get this today. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. 397 00:26:12.759 --> 00:26:18.279 They're just there. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They're 398 00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:20.720 just there. They're not facts, so you don't need to 399 00:26:20.839 --> 00:26:24.880 argue it. They're just feelings. And if I feel something, 400 00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:27.359 I shouldn't have to defend it, and if you feel something, 401 00:26:27.440 --> 00:26:29.480