WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.960 I woke a few minutes before my alarm, lying on 2 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.599 my back, blinking at the thin pail lightsmearing up beneath 3 00:00:08.599 --> 00:00:12.240 the curtains. It was Saturday, our day. The closed in 4 00:00:12.279 --> 00:00:14.960 silence was pierced by the rattle of trucks passing down tenth, 5 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:19.239 always louder before sunrise. I reached over, half asleep, patting 6 00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:21.359 Lizzie's side of the bed with the clumsy optimism you 7 00:00:21.399 --> 00:00:23.079 have when you expect the date to be exactly like 8 00:00:23.079 --> 00:00:26.719 the one before. She wasn't there, Her pillow was cold. 9 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:29.719 I sat up, shoulders tight, listening for the sound of 10 00:00:29.760 --> 00:00:32.200 her steps, of water slapping against the porcelain, seeing the 11 00:00:32.200 --> 00:00:34.439 way she always runsed her cup just a little too loudly. 12 00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:38.719 Nothing just that emptiness. No hum of the kettle, no shuffle, 13 00:00:38.840 --> 00:00:40.560 not even the sound of her phone ringing with a 14 00:00:40.600 --> 00:00:43.679 client reminder. She'd done this last week too, left even 15 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:46.600 before I woke the first time, I'd rolled over and 16 00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:49.280 assumed she'd hit the running path ahead of me, Wanting 17 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:52.240 a longer training run to clear her head. Her marathon 18 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:55.359 plan had gotten intense lately. I wanted to be supportive, 19 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:58.320 not possessive. But now it was two weeks, and it 20 00:00:58.399 --> 00:01:00.840 felt a little different this time, especially because we'd always 21 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:03.200 made it a thing, something sacred. Usa at a coffee 22 00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:07.079 stroll after round's the rule, whatever the miles, whatever the weather, 23 00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:09.879 meet back here, shower together, if lucky, and walked to 24 00:01:09.920 --> 00:01:12.280 dine a Ma cafe before the best cinnamon bun sold out. 25 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:14.879 I pressed my nose to her pillow the faintest trace 26 00:01:14.920 --> 00:01:19.439 of cologne, not mine, warmer, spicyer, not sitter, something like 27 00:01:19.480 --> 00:01:23.120 sandal will maybe or cedar. It's hard to tell with fragrances. 28 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:25.719 Lizzie worked around people all day at her studio, but 29 00:01:25.799 --> 00:01:28.200 this wasn't the scent of her pillot's clients or spray pintan. 30 00:01:28.920 --> 00:01:31.760 A frown filed the detail away. Without letting myself dwell, 31 00:01:32.400 --> 00:01:34.439 I snapped a photo of our two empty mugs, one 32 00:01:34.439 --> 00:01:36.400 with a fox to cow, one with a rise and 33 00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:39.280 grind flaking off from the dish washer. I message her, 34 00:01:39.359 --> 00:01:42.959 you beat me out the door mugs, missus Harts. A 35 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:47.040 minute later, my phone buzzed, hope your morning's good. Enjoy hot. 36 00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:51.000 That was it, no heart, not even her usual ex 37 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:53.920 At the end, I told myself I was being silly 38 00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:56.439 that Lizzie's tone always changed after mile ten, or after 39 00:01:56.439 --> 00:01:59.159 a bad night's sleep. Maybe she was just warming up, 40 00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:01.879 stretching in the park, head down, listening to a podcast, 41 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:05.000 or mentally prepping for the week. Maybe she'd return in 42 00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:07.680 an hour, flushed and brightly teasing me for being lazy. 43 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:10.800 Except as I changed into worn jawgoes and checked the 44 00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:13.639 fridge for almond milk, I realized I'd already stopped making 45 00:02:13.639 --> 00:02:16.680 a second coffee. That had become a pattern to me alone. 46 00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:18.840 The radio low, the small kitchen echoing, as if the 47 00:02:18.840 --> 00:02:20.840 space itself was trying to tell me you're planning for 48 00:02:20.879 --> 00:02:23.840 one now. I wanted to ask, right then, would you go? 49 00:02:24.080 --> 00:02:26.680 What change? Why does everything suddenly feel? I could test. 50 00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:29.159 I didn't know I was taking, but it seemed needy, 51 00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:31.080 the sort of thing a jealous boyfriend would grill his 52 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:33.479 partner about. And I've always tried to be better than that, 53 00:02:34.199 --> 00:02:37.199 specially with Lizzie, who found suspicion suffocating and prized her 54 00:02:37.240 --> 00:02:40.039 little freedoms more than most people do. I pulled on 55 00:02:40.120 --> 00:02:42.360 my shoes, picked up my phone, and left the apartment. 56 00:02:42.919 --> 00:02:45.639 The city was coming awake, sun pushing over the rooftops. 57 00:02:45.800 --> 00:02:49.479 Morning Runnau's ghosting along the sidewalks. I walked toward Dynamo 58 00:02:49.520 --> 00:02:51.599 out have had it, feeling the ritual slipped through my 59 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:54.599 fingers like sweat. It wasn't the run, I realized it 60 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:58.759 was the company, that warm, wordless togetherness. Afterward, For seven years, 61 00:02:58.879 --> 00:03:00.800 it had always been the two of us, and now 62 00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:03.199 I was someone watching that intimacy from a distance, trying 63 00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:06.159 to convince myself nothing important had been lost. But the 64 00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:08.560 empty second mook sat on the counter, mocking me with 65 00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:12.199 a silence. I tried to believe it was just marathon training. 66 00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:14.319 I tried to believe the shift was only in my 67 00:03:14.360 --> 00:03:17.400 own mind. Still, even as I bought my own coffee, 68 00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:19.639 I couldn't help wondering how many of our small certainties 69 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:23.080 had already evaporated, unnoticed, one morning at a time. It's 70 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:27.039 strange the details memory preserves. Seven years ago, i'd met 71 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:29.400 Lizzie at an opening night for a nut or Mule project. 72 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:32.280 The Run store on Fifth had toasted it, music thumping 73 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:35.159 against the gallery panels, everyone and sneakers and bright windbreakers, 74 00:03:35.159 --> 00:03:37.360 with a sharp chill in the fall air. I gone 75 00:03:37.400 --> 00:03:39.800 because Jamie, my old room mate and a runklab regular, 76 00:03:39.879 --> 00:03:42.599 promised it would be peak urban weirdness plus free sider 77 00:03:42.599 --> 00:03:45.919 and local snacks. I went for the cider. I stayed 78 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:48.560 because of her. She was working on a rough sketch 79 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:50.319 at the edge of a plywrod panel toalled in strong 80 00:03:50.360 --> 00:03:52.919 and worn jeans, balancing as break in between her knees. 81 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:55.960 She grinned at me, pained on her fingers, explaining that 82 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:57.960 most artists were technically breaking the law, but it had 83 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:01.199 just made the mules more honest. We started talking about running. 84 00:04:01.199 --> 00:04:03.919 Everyone there had some marathon story. Some half ruckers tame 85 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:06.199 kay injury and discovered we had both snuck away from 86 00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:08.479 awkward family holidays that year to pays each other on 87 00:04:08.479 --> 00:04:11.400 Thanksgiving morning. That was a kind of running joke. If 88 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:13.360 you were in town, running the route was proof you 89 00:04:13.400 --> 00:04:16.319 hadn't abandoned your chosen home. She asked what I did 90 00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:20.160 if freelancer? Mostly digital graphics and magazine layouts, sometimes gigs 91 00:04:20.160 --> 00:04:23.199 for Reese branding, plus the odd wedding logo. She made 92 00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:25.639 a confuse, delighted face. You mean you actually make art 93 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:29.639 pay rent? I shrugged and said most months. She laughed 94 00:04:29.639 --> 00:04:31.519 with real pleasure, and we swapp numbers on the back 95 00:04:31.519 --> 00:04:34.680 of a napkin because her phone was dead. It started fast. 96 00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:37.120 Within three months, I was showing Lizzie how to use 97 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:39.120 in design, and she was letting me tag along on 98 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.439 long runs, introducing me to her miss art friends. I 99 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.680 loved this. She moved through rooms like gravity had changed 100 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:46.800 around her. She was directed, but gentle, happy to make 101 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:49.480 the first move, bracing me. Honest about her disasters and 102 00:04:49.519 --> 00:04:53.120 her victories, but private too. When I called her fiercely independent, 103 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.759 she didn't flinch, just said, only way, I'm not swallowed 104 00:04:55.800 --> 00:04:58.439 hole by any one else's dreams. She kept her phone 105 00:04:58.439 --> 00:05:00.519 locked in, her heart open. But you to earn your 106 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:03.079 way into the last part. We grew our own rituals 107 00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:05.879 Saturday morning jewelry and slash coffee, Sunday afternoons in a 108 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:09.519 tiny studio with music and sketchbouts Thursday's open invitation run club. 109 00:05:10.120 --> 00:05:12.920 We traveled for races, shared arms with too little hot water, 110 00:05:13.079 --> 00:05:15.720 thought about whose playlist was torture and whose was transcendent. 111 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:19.800 She hided giving up control and said, so I craved structure. 112 00:05:19.879 --> 00:05:22.360 Sometimes I still caught myself bracing for her to get bored, 113 00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:24.920 to chase the next new thing, but she'd always draw 114 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:26.639 up a hand on my kne doing car rise, give 115 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:28.839 me a sly predictable guess, a bad rap, and make 116 00:05:28.879 --> 00:05:31.279 me laugh when I was one too tight. Both of 117 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:34.000 our careers ran and cycles. He teaching and mural commissions, 118 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:37.439 my freelance peaks and ballats. Our apartment was never spotless, 119 00:05:37.439 --> 00:05:39.959 but always alive, canvasses drying on the balcony. She was 120 00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:42.240 tumbling out of the closet soured or starter burping on 121 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:45.720 the counter. Our social circle overlapped around the fitness scene 122 00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:49.120 and the mural events, occasionally Friday night with morph into 123 00:05:49.160 --> 00:05:52.040 drinks with half the run club, satirical arqueteque parties, or 124 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:54.160 losing hours in the studio debating with the color or 125 00:05:54.199 --> 00:05:57.720 a line came first, and who cared anyway. We had history, 126 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:01.240 we had in jokes. I was thus safe one, the 127 00:06:01.279 --> 00:06:03.800 guy who never let Lizzie down, even as she sometimes 128 00:06:03.879 --> 00:06:07.000 vanished for quicksolo hikes or late night mural painting, returning 129 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:09.759 wild eyed but still hours in the morning. She'd never 130 00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:12.839 been entirely easy to read. Sometimes I think that opacity 131 00:06:12.920 --> 00:06:14.560 was part of the appeal, a challenge I wanted to 132 00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:17.720 keep solving. But now, in these last weeks, the small 133 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:21.519 reassurances in the playful routines were dissolving. It sounds crazy, 134 00:06:21.560 --> 00:06:23.879 but I missed the arguments, missed her throwing a cold 135 00:06:23.959 --> 00:06:25.879 washcorf at me after yoga when I said the Sun's 136 00:06:25.879 --> 00:06:29.519 salutations felt redundant. I missed her complaining about my fancy 137 00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:32.759 coffee beans and sneaking supermarket plens into the tin. There 138 00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:35.240 were times before when she'd seen distracted, a season when 139 00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:37.920 she was submitting mural proposals and spending midnight after midnight 140 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:41.519 hunched over the iPad, eyes read temper short. I'd worried 141 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:43.439 then that she was pulling away, but it had only 142 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:45.800 been stress, a drive to outdue herself, and she'd come 143 00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:48.279 back to me when things settle. That's what I told 144 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:51.240 myself how to be happening now. Still, as I walked 145 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:53.480 back up our building stairs with my coffee alone, question 146 00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:56.519 press in why this time did her feel like she 147 00:06:56.600 --> 00:06:59.800 wasn't just tired or preoccupied, but receding altogether out of reach. 148 00:07:00.680 --> 00:07:03.560 Later that evening, we had tickets to Jamie's gallery launch, 149 00:07:03.639 --> 00:07:05.680 one of those of a blown hunger and anniversary event 150 00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:09.040 packed with all the familiar characters. I showered, hoping the 151 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:11.560 fog would clear out the residual weirdness, then put on 152 00:07:11.560 --> 00:07:13.600 one of the shows Lizzie liked LESSI Dad. At brunch, 153 00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:17.480 she jerked more freelancer who actually pays taxes. When Lizzie 154 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:20.120 finally came home, she breezed it in hair slick, withsite 155 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:22.839 apology in her posture, grabbing a quick shower and changing 156 00:07:22.839 --> 00:07:25.920 into bright yellow crop sweater for a flicker. Everything felt 157 00:07:25.959 --> 00:07:28.560 almost normal. Jostling for the bathroom, teasing her about her 158 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:30.920 shoe lace, knots her mocks, colding me for packing the 159 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:33.480 tragic umbrella again. We met up at every One at 160 00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:37.360 seven thirty. The space was pat strewn, lights, local wine, 161 00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:39.279 a crud that knew each other well enough to complain 162 00:07:39.319 --> 00:07:42.720 openly about the cannopace. Jimmie ran up, hugging us in turn, 163 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:46.040 slightly out of breath. Some proper power couple, you two, 164 00:07:46.199 --> 00:07:49.959 he teas. Beautiful people, no kids, endless marathon medals. You 165 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:53.040 are what my therapist means by aspirational chaos. Through the 166 00:07:53.079 --> 00:07:55.439 first hour, I felt Lizzie's hand tightened in mine, her 167 00:07:55.480 --> 00:07:58.600 laughter bouncing off my shoulder. Still as she peeled away 168 00:07:58.600 --> 00:08:01.279 to chat with other creatives, something in the flow felt off. 169 00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:04.360 She didn't look back as often her gaze. Dart had 170 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:07.079 passed me when someone called her name. It was probably 171 00:08:07.079 --> 00:08:09.240 the third gloss of Chipino when it happened to Jamie, 172 00:08:09.319 --> 00:08:12.439 standing between us and the food table, said Hey, funny story. 173 00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:15.160 I saw you the other day at the trailhead with Rog. Yeah. 174 00:08:15.279 --> 00:08:17.120 I didn't even realize he was up for those pre 175 00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:20.199 dawn runs. Looks like you've corrupted another one, he wink, 176 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:24.680 slapping my back. I smiled, played along. Lizzie always collects 177 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:28.000 the strays, I joked. She just laughed, but her eyes 178 00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:31.519 landed on Jamie a beat too long. Rog needs accountability, 179 00:08:31.639 --> 00:08:35.919 she said, Poor guys training by Dromenew. Jamie laughed, drifted 180 00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:38.200 to the next group, but the conversation stayed stuck in 181 00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:41.759 my head. Roge tole quietly charming a relatively new face 182 00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:44.799 at Thursday run club. I remembered Lizzie saying she was 183 00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:47.480 meeting her sister for coffee that morning, saying she needed 184 00:08:47.480 --> 00:08:50.240 the break from the running crowd. Suddenly I had a 185 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:52.039 picture in my head, a picture of Lizzie at the 186 00:08:52.039 --> 00:08:55.360 trailhead at Roge, not her sister. Of course, there could 187 00:08:55.360 --> 00:08:59.039 be a hundred explanations. Maybe she swapped plans. Maybe her 188 00:08:59.080 --> 00:09:01.519 sister canceled and Rod showed up with energy drinks and 189 00:09:01.559 --> 00:09:04.240 a wounded heart. But as the night wore on, Lizzie 190 00:09:04.279 --> 00:09:07.480 avoided direct questions. I tried to school my face. Don't 191 00:09:07.480 --> 00:09:10.279 be the boyfriend who interrogates his partner about every conversation, 192 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:13.600 every mile locked, I listened as she offered vague comments 193 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:16.840 to friends about training schedule conflicts, promising to sink up soon. 194 00:09:17.480 --> 00:09:19.799 That refrain kept landing. She was too tired for brunch, 195 00:09:19.919 --> 00:09:23.080 too sore for Sunday studio, but not seemingly for these 196 00:09:23.120 --> 00:09:26.159 early morning meet ups. Nobody mentioned. On the walk home, 197 00:09:26.200 --> 00:09:29.120 I bit back the urge to mention it. Instead, we 198 00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:31.279 talked about Jamie's odd painting of shoes hanging from a 199 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:34.159 lamp post, Lizzie's next mural commission, and whether to American 200 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:37.159 cocktails was a crime. But in bed listening to her soft, 201 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:40.440 even breaths, my mind spun. Why avoid brunches with my 202 00:09:40.519 --> 00:09:44.279 sister lately? Why talk about needing space but spend extra 203 00:09:44.360 --> 00:09:46.879 time with Rag? And if there was nothing to hie. 204 00:09:47.039 --> 00:09:50.080 While I about it, I told myself, no relationship could 205 00:09:50.120 --> 00:09:53.480 thrive if you let every oddity fester but I slept restlessly, 206 00:09:53.600 --> 00:09:56.519 scrolling back through my mental calendar, wondering which morning's won 207 00:09:56.600 --> 00:10:00.279 shape by honest routine enymore. The next morning, Lizzie left 208 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.240 early again, says she needed a twenty mile day on 209 00:10:02.320 --> 00:10:05.080 the training plan. I found her GPS watch on the 210 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:07.480 table by her jim bag, the charging white, winking red. 211 00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:09.799 That was odd. She never left it behind if she 212 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:13.240 was running distance, obsessing over split times. I picked it 213 00:10:13.320 --> 00:10:15.159 up on a whim, but the watch was locked fingerprint 214 00:10:15.159 --> 00:10:17.840 her coat. She had never locked it before. She left 215 00:10:17.879 --> 00:10:20.080 it lying around sometimes passed it to me to check 216 00:10:20.120 --> 00:10:22.759 my own heart rate for fun. She came back flush, 217 00:10:22.879 --> 00:10:26.279 breathing hard, and headed straight into the bathroom. When she emerged, 218 00:10:26.360 --> 00:10:27.919 till rap high on her head. She could have been 219 00:10:27.960 --> 00:10:31.200 any one, good run, I asked, leaning in the doorway. 220 00:10:32.120 --> 00:10:35.639 She shrugged, felt sluggish. To be honest, I just needed 221 00:10:35.639 --> 00:10:38.440 the miles. She tossed her shoes into the closet without 222 00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:40.960 unhying the laces, A small annoyance. She was always meticulous 223 00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:44.039 about laces. You should break in those new hookahs, she said, 224 00:10:44.519 --> 00:10:48.039 forcing a smile. I tried not to press, how far 225 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:51.159 did you make it? Sixteen and a bit? My GPS 226 00:10:51.320 --> 00:10:53.440 was dead, though, that's what I get for forgetting to charge. 227 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:57.440 I let it pass, but that sixteen felt chosen, almost rehearsed. 228 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:01.440 She'd done twenty milers through stomach ache. I wanted to 229 00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:04.600 believe her. We'd linked our bank accounts a few years back, 230 00:11:04.919 --> 00:11:08.399 mostly for Bill's groceries and the inevitable artists and coffee runs. 231 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:12.000 That afternoon, the leading junk email, I noticed our account 232 00:11:12.039 --> 00:11:14.320 summary had several back to back charges to coffee shop. 233 00:11:14.360 --> 00:11:17.440 I'd never heard of her Ban cafe early weekday mornings 234 00:11:17.519 --> 00:11:21.600 odd times six forty eight, seven three seven twenty. Lizzie 235 00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:23.559 didn't train her early on week days, except maybe for 236 00:11:23.639 --> 00:11:26.240 a gentle lip she'd let me know about. She usually 237 00:11:26.279 --> 00:11:29.120 preferred the late morning class slots at her studio. I 238 00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:31.679 wandered down a brief rabbit hole. No sign she'd mentioned 239 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.440 earth bank fe no receipts, no self deprecating Instagram purse 240 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:38.840 about morning fuel, but plainly she'd been there sometimes twice 241 00:11:38.840 --> 00:11:42.639 a week. She returned that, even clutching a paper sack breathless, 242 00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:45.279 couldn't get a seat at Dynamo lines for days, she said, 243 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:48.320 and produced a perfect breosh when I blinked down at 244 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:49.960 the logo on the bag. It was from a bakery 245 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:52.840 next to earth Band. But again I smothered the urge 246 00:11:52.840 --> 00:11:55.639 to ask directly. If you looked for secrets, you could 247 00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:58.080 always find them. I'd been told that by friends, even 248 00:11:58.120 --> 00:12:00.519 by an old therapist after my first break up. I 249 00:12:00.600 --> 00:12:02.799 tried to brush it off. Maybe she stopped it unlined, 250 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:05.039 or read, or help one of her teaching clients. When 251 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:08.399 down after pilates, still each mole detail landed with a 252 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:11.720 little more weight. A couple nights later, Lizzie came in 253 00:12:11.759 --> 00:12:14.399 after Thursday's run club, claiming she'd stayed late debating real 254 00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:17.080 socks versus toe socks, a class grun club argument, but 255 00:12:17.159 --> 00:12:20.159 she seemed jittery, not her usual glow. She skipped her 256 00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.519 nightly stretch bee line for the shower and I had 257 00:12:22.600 --> 00:12:25.919 low conversation over the running water. As I finished grading 258 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.399 some design entries for a magazine. Her phone blew up, 259 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:31.919 vibrating again and against green up face away when she 260 00:12:32.039 --> 00:12:34.080 rolled over on the bed to silence it a glance. 261 00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:37.679 Rachel S a string of messages stacked the top message 262 00:12:37.759 --> 00:12:41.120 previousaid can't wait for Saturday. Rachel S was a name 263 00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:43.639 I'd never heard before. I put it out of my mind. 264 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:46.320 As she taught group classes, plenty of unfamiliar clients pined 265 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:49.519 her at all hours. Still, the context and tightning made 266 00:12:49.559 --> 00:12:53.080 me uneasy. On impulse, I accepted Jamie's casual invitation to 267 00:12:53.159 --> 00:12:55.960 join the next run club Saturday. When we arrived at 268 00:12:55.960 --> 00:12:58.360 the park, Rodge was there, already joking with Lizzie. As 269 00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:02.879 she stretched, he greeted me with outsize friendliness overcompensating. Oh man, 270 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:05.720 is this the famous partner? Finally showing up, his eyes 271 00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:08.240 flcked to Lizzie, his voice a little sharp. The banter 272 00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:11.080 between them was effalus full of colbacks two that disastrous 273 00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:14.000 hill sprint session, jokes about team brunch for two. As 274 00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:17.120 soon as I stepped into their radius, Roger's posture stiffened. 275 00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:19.840 He shifted his weight from foot to foot, looked away. 276 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:23.320 Lizzie's laugh sounded forced, and when I joined their stride, 277 00:13:23.399 --> 00:13:25.600 the two of them dropped topics or let silences yawn. 278 00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:28.240 Half way through You, Lizzie fell back with a friend, 279 00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:31.000 leaving me and Rodge alone. Briefly in the front, he 280 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:33.679 asked polite questions about my freelance work, but his face 281 00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:36.679 was set closed. Afterward, as we all called down by 282 00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.879 the fountain. The tension was undeniable. Lizzie ducked out early, 283 00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:42.279 saying she had a preper mural for the city library 284 00:13:42.360 --> 00:13:44.399 and was late to meet her sister for smoothie bowls. 285 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:46.919 I offered to go with her. She waved me off, 286 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:50.480 as sisters only trust me ibibor. I decided to test 287 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:53.759 it later that afternoon, I texted my sister, Hey, you 288 00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:57.159 and Lizzie up for brunch soon. My sister replied almost instantly, 289 00:13:57.240 --> 00:13:59.600 I haven't seen Lizzie like weeks. I thought she was 290 00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:02.759 buried marathon training hill. I stared at that answer for 291 00:14:02.840 --> 00:14:06.399 several minutes, stomach tightening with each second. So Lizzie hadn't 292 00:14:06.399 --> 00:14:09.320 seen my sister at all. When Lizzie returned home, she 293 00:14:09.399 --> 00:14:11.159 made a big show of being tired, flopping on the 294 00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:14.440 couch asking me to rub her calfs. I did, carefully 295 00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:17.559 watching her face for any reaction. She closed her eyes 296 00:14:17.600 --> 00:14:19.720 and smiled, but her smile didn't travel to her cheeks 297 00:14:19.720 --> 00:14:23.159 away it used to. She fell asleep fast light snows 298 00:14:23.240 --> 00:14:25.679 layering over the first episode of whatever show we had done. 299 00:14:26.279 --> 00:14:28.320 I asked Jamie about road trailed roum at the next 300 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:31.879 time we saw him. Jamie hesitated, then stage whispered, oh, 301 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:33.960 you know some while break up his exes a handful. 302 00:14:34.039 --> 00:14:36.679 He's lean heavy on club friends lately, maybe too heavy. 303 00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:39.120 He'd be amazed what shows up after lost love? Right? 304 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:42.639 He winked again. Something about the tone felt off, not 305 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:45.679 quite pity, not quite teasing. But when I pressed, he 306 00:14:45.759 --> 00:14:49.360 looked past me, changing the subject. Later, at that evening, 307 00:14:49.559 --> 00:14:52.519 Lizzie and I argued it started with something small. Lad 308 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:54.879 left foamolers out. She tripped on one and snapped at me. 309 00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:58.240 Before I knew it, we were fighting about our routines, accusations, 310 00:14:58.240 --> 00:15:01.919 sliding past each other. Everything's just so planned, so tight. 311 00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:04.240 I need some air, I think, she said, tossing her 312 00:15:04.320 --> 00:15:08.559 water bottle down. What does that mean, I asked. She 313 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:11.759 shook her head, voice rising. Sometimes I want more than 314 00:15:11.879 --> 00:15:14.000 just the same Saturday, the same coffee, the same eener. 315 00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:18.399 Sometimes I want independence, I stood, quietly, throat tight. You 316 00:15:18.519 --> 00:15:20.960 have your own studio, your own work, your own mornings. 317 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:24.000 I don't want to cage you. She glanced away, arms folded, 318 00:15:24.360 --> 00:15:28.000 shoulders drawn in. Maybe that's not what it's about. We 319 00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:31.039 dropped it, but the mood never recovered. Over the next week, 320 00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:33.840 I watched her with new eyes. There was less touching, 321 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:37.200 few share jokes. Our evenings grew quieter at the gaps 322 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:40.399 between words like bruises that never faded. Most nights she 323 00:15:40.440 --> 00:15:42.559 slept facing the window, and when I reached for her 324 00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:44.720 under the sheets, she pulled away, mumbling that she was 325 00:15:44.799 --> 00:15:47.759 cold or too sore. When I returned from a grocery run, 326 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:50.279 I noticed news studio or supplies stacked in the bedroom 327 00:15:50.919 --> 00:15:53.240 for new mural commissions, she said before I could ask. 328 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:56.240 But her social calendar was suddenly two packed for family 329 00:15:56.360 --> 00:15:59.120 video calls, and whenever I reached out for Sunday painting together, 330 00:15:59.240 --> 00:16:00.960 she deferred or declared, and always with the promise of 331 00:16:01.039 --> 00:16:03.679 making it up later. On a Thursday, I invited her 332 00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:08.000 sister Marian for morning coffee, hoping to reset some normalcy. Great, 333 00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:12.080 I texted, Lizzie will be free after her run let's 334 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:16.080 meet at Dinamo. Marian was baffled. I'd loved it, Beth, Honestly, 335 00:16:16.159 --> 00:16:17.799 I haven't talked to her long enough to catch up. 336 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:20.840 Is everything okay? A covert telling her Lizzie was just 337 00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:25.200 slammed with marathon plans. The Unnees flickered to embarrassment. I 338 00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.519 hated a feeling of staging excuses, hated that now I 339 00:16:27.559 --> 00:16:29.679 was hiding cracks in our life from people who considered 340 00:16:29.720 --> 00:16:32.759 us the model couple. At the next run club, tensions spiked. 341 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:35.960 Roge and Lizzie stuck close through war mut drills, heads 342 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:39.759 together in a crowd. I deliberately lagged behind, but cockbits 343 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:43.120 inside jokes, talk of secret running packs, rog mentioning the 344 00:16:43.159 --> 00:16:46.399 new coffee shop prothbound. When I joined them, both changed 345 00:16:46.399 --> 00:16:50.159 the subject, Lizzie flashing a brittle over a bright smile. Later, still, 346 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:52.440 I caught two mutual friends, Down and pre Ya talking 347 00:16:52.519 --> 00:16:54.879 quietly in a corner, their voices dropping. As I approached, 348 00:16:55.600 --> 00:16:57.559 I asked how marathon prep was going for the crew. 349 00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:01.440 Darren hesitated, Honestly, we haven't seen Lizzie during the group 350 00:17:01.559 --> 00:17:04.519 sessions for a while. I assumed she was hitting solo workouts. 351 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.759 Pray and nervously agreed, then blurted out, I think crags 352 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:09.359 as well. He's had a rough break up and it 353 00:17:09.440 --> 00:17:11.400 kind of set off some drama. But it's not really 354 00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:15.880 our business, right sure, I said, pushing back the rising apprehension. 355 00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:18.920 That night, Lizzie came home late, drifted into the studio 356 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:21.599 and painted for hours with the door closed. I heard 357 00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:24.240 the scrape of charcoal on canvas until nearly one a m. 358 00:17:24.920 --> 00:17:28.160 When she finally emerged, eyes bloodshot, she said, I'm sorry, 359 00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:30.240 I just need to finish this deadline. You don't have 360 00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:32.920 to wait up. The next day, her energy was off, 361 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:35.839 defensive and taut. When I tried to hold her hand 362 00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:37.960 walking to the market, she slipped free to examine a 363 00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:40.240 pile of blood oranges by the entrance and wouldn't meet 364 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:43.880 my eyes. Conversation bound surface topics, council plans, talk of 365 00:17:43.960 --> 00:17:47.000 late in verses, and tight handstrings. I examined my doubts, 366 00:17:47.079 --> 00:17:49.839 tried to inspect them for a rationality. Was I becoming 367 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:52.759 a parody of myself, paranoid, jealous, the guy who sabotage 368 00:17:52.799 --> 00:17:55.559 trusts because he'd been burned years before. Or was something 369 00:17:55.640 --> 00:17:58.640 truly off? I kept remembering that a known cologne on 370 00:17:58.680 --> 00:18:00.839 her pillow, the lock gps, the new cafe, the way 371 00:18:00.920 --> 00:18:04.359 Roge's tone shifted in my presence. My own motivation stangled. 372 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:06.039 Did I want to be right or did I want 373 00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:09.359 my wife back? Sometimes small neutral seem included took on 374 00:18:09.440 --> 00:18:14.079 new significance coloring everything in their proximity. Lizzie's mornings got quieter, 375 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:17.480 her phone never left her grip. She started wearing unfamiliar 376 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:20.319 sports bars gear I hadn't seen enter the laundry, always 377 00:18:20.440 --> 00:18:23.200 washing them separately. Friday night, she set out for her 378 00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:25.359 and club happy hour, but when she returned late, she 379 00:18:25.400 --> 00:18:27.079 didn't smell like the beer heavy by the way she 380 00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:29.480 normally did, nor did she carry the energy of a 381 00:18:29.559 --> 00:18:34.400 Rocks group. Did you end up seeing rage? I asked casually, Yeah, 382 00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:36.640 but only for a minute. He had a thing she 383 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:42.160 wouldn't specify. Another quick shower. Saturday morning, I woke again alone. 384 00:18:42.759 --> 00:18:45.240 Their routine, as she used to call it, was ashes. 385 00:18:45.279 --> 00:18:47.680 The bed as cold as the tel floor. The empty 386 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:50.960 mug waited on the counter unfilled my patience then, but 387 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:53.480 I still hesitated to call her out at right. It 388 00:18:53.599 --> 00:18:56.039 wasn't shame. I wanted proof, something solid, not just my 389 00:18:56.160 --> 00:19:00.200 own mangled intuition in her evaseness. A week passed, our 390 00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:02.440 rehearsed lines in my head, but confrontation seemed like a 391 00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:06.559 nuclear option that might destroy whatever remained. Then, one evening, 392 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:08.559 as she scrolled for Netflix's next to me, her phone 393 00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:11.759 chimed rachelss again, but I saw the message content by 394 00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:15.119 accident when she moved her leg counting down days. I 395 00:19:15.240 --> 00:19:17.480 checked our shirt in box, out of habit deleting spam 396 00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:20.279 in the trash. A letro seat caught my eye, picked 397 00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:22.400 up from us side our apartment at seven Fury at 398 00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:25.680 last Saturday destination a hotel near the city Lake. The 399 00:19:25.799 --> 00:19:27.720 same day, she claimed to have run a solo out 400 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:30.759 and back. I opened the ride history pick up and 401 00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:33.680