WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:10.679 demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI AM six forty. You 4 00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:13.560 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr 5 00:00:13.599 --> 00:00:19.239 Wendy Walsh Show. Oh, the election, it happened. It's over. 6 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:23.719 I'm so relieved. Producer, Kayla, are you completely relieved? 7 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:24.160 No? 8 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:28.120 Oh, okay, okay, we need to talk okay about your feelings. 9 00:00:28.120 --> 00:00:30.280 We're going to get into that. Roouel. How you doing. 10 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:32.759 Are you relieved as behind us? Oh? Yeah, I was 11 00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:37.240 so ready. Yeah, yeah, Heather, are we all done with 12 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:40.280 election nonsense? I think there's still going to be a 13 00:00:40.320 --> 00:00:45.320 lot more nonsense even though the election is over. Spoken 14 00:00:45.560 --> 00:00:49.560 like three good Californians. You know. Everyone keeps saying to 15 00:00:49.560 --> 00:00:52.560 me to console, to console me and my friends and 16 00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:57.840 family is like, don't worry. You're in California. You're safe. 17 00:00:58.479 --> 00:01:01.320 And you know, I am both America and Canadian, and 18 00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:03.439 I'm always trying to compare the two systems, and I'm 19 00:01:03.439 --> 00:01:06.680 always trying to figure out certain systems. By the way, 20 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:09.840 I didn't know, Okay, I've lived here for a few decades. 21 00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:16.680 I did not know that January twentieth was not President's Day. 22 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:19.640 I kept calling it President's Day because I got a 23 00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:21.400 weekend plan with a bunch of girlfriends. I said, well, 24 00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:23.359 see you on President's Day and they said, isn't that 25 00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:28.120 MLK Day? And I'm like, oh, but it's the inauguration day. 26 00:01:28.680 --> 00:01:32.599 Isn't that President's Day. Apparently that's where the Canadian and 27 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:36.000 me comes through. But one of the things I seem 28 00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:38.680 to be learning and what people keep telling me, is 29 00:01:38.719 --> 00:01:43.079 that the states have far more impact on our actual lives, 30 00:01:43.159 --> 00:01:46.359 day to day lives than the federal government, just saying. 31 00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:50.519 And in California, we tend to, you know, have policies 32 00:01:50.599 --> 00:01:52.640 that I think we're all going to be Okay, Okay, 33 00:01:52.680 --> 00:01:54.159 I just want to say that. So let me tell 34 00:01:54.200 --> 00:01:56.000 you what what's coming up in the show. As you know, 35 00:01:56.719 --> 00:02:00.359 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, 36 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:03.920 not a therapist. But I love to educate people about 37 00:02:03.959 --> 00:02:08.719 everything that I've learned in my life and in psychology school. 38 00:02:09.879 --> 00:02:13.639 Let's talk about on tonight's show, how to communicate your 39 00:02:13.719 --> 00:02:18.039 feelings post election, maybe to the other side, how to 40 00:02:18.120 --> 00:02:21.039 deal with your grief, if you're feeling some grief, how 41 00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:24.319 to not gloat if you're gloating. And then let's get 42 00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:27.840 into the relationship stuff. Some new dating trends for gen 43 00:02:27.960 --> 00:02:33.479 Z as well as why women some women are swearing 44 00:02:33.520 --> 00:02:39.759 off sex and some men are supporting rape culture in response. 45 00:02:39.840 --> 00:02:42.759 Plus I'll be answering your social media questions. All right, 46 00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:46.439 let's get to the election thing. So there is a 47 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:52.919 term called ambiguous loss. It was coined by doctor Pauline Boss. 48 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:59.240 She's professor now emeritus Emeritus Emeritus Professor at the University of Minnesota, 49 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:03.240 spent forty five years as a psychotherapist, and back in 50 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:07.759 the nineteen seventies she coined the term ambigulous ambiguous loss 51 00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:11.879 when she was working with wives of soldiers who are 52 00:03:11.879 --> 00:03:16.039 missing in action because there's no body, there's no real loss. 53 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:18.080 Are they alive or dead? Are they coming back? Are 54 00:03:18.120 --> 00:03:22.240 they not? You're ambiguous about this grief, right do Are 55 00:03:22.280 --> 00:03:25.719 you a widow? Are you not? Right? So we know 56 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:31.560 that grief is the feeling we have after loss, but 57 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:35.800 you have to be attached to something that you lose, 58 00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:40.879 and grief is so much easier if it's clear. Sorry 59 00:03:40.919 --> 00:03:44.360 to say death, you know, well, bankruptcy, loss of all 60 00:03:44.400 --> 00:03:48.199 your money, things that are quantified, things that are proven. Right, 61 00:03:48.439 --> 00:03:52.599 then we understand it. But according to doctor Pauline Boss, 62 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:58.400 there are kinds of losses that are ambiguous, an abstract loss. 63 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:03.560 Maybe maybe you're feeling that you've lost hopes and dreams. 64 00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:08.919 Maybe you've lost a sense of certainty about the future. 65 00:04:10.199 --> 00:04:14.159 Maybe you have a sense of loss about trust in 66 00:04:14.199 --> 00:04:18.519 the world as a safe place, maybe the loss of 67 00:04:18.600 --> 00:04:23.560 feelings of freedom over your own body, or maybe the 68 00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:27.360 loss of support for people have lesser means than the 69 00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:29.560 rest of us do. I'm going to say this again. 70 00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:34.800 You have the loss of support for people who have 71 00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:37.480 lesser means. And the reason why I wanted to say 72 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:40.959 that again is because there is a belief system among 73 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:45.240 many people, especially in California, who believe that, as one 74 00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:49.839 economist in the New York Times said, American voters shot 75 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:52.680 themselves in the head to try to get rid of 76 00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:57.000 a headache. We worry for the working class. I worry 77 00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:00.800 for union workers who may have that support taken away 78 00:05:01.319 --> 00:05:05.920 all of a sudden. Mister you're fired, might actually do 79 00:05:06.040 --> 00:05:09.079 that and tell every all all your employers to do that. 80 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:12.360 All right, So we have this ambiguous feeling of loss. 81 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:14.360 We can't put our fingers on it, but we know. 82 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:20.120 I mean, I don't like how politics has become identity politics, 83 00:05:20.439 --> 00:05:22.839 like you're supposed to wear the shirt, you're supposed to 84 00:05:22.839 --> 00:05:25.279 wear the hat. You know. It used to be that 85 00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:28.639 politics was something and voting was something that you did 86 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:32.319 in private, quietly, and it was a behavior. It was 87 00:05:32.360 --> 00:05:38.680 something you did. It wasn't I am a Finish that sentence, 88 00:05:38.680 --> 00:05:42.680 however you want. I am a conservative, I am a liberal, 89 00:05:42.920 --> 00:05:47.879 I am a Republican. I am a Democrat. Now that's 90 00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:53.560 how we talk instead of I vote that way. And 91 00:05:53.639 --> 00:05:56.279 this is the biggest problem in America as far as 92 00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:00.920 I'm concerned. You should know, I actually have luxury of 93 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:03.839 living in two different places. And one place is very 94 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:06.199 very very liberal, and the other place is a rural 95 00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:11.040 area that is very very very red. And there's no 96 00:06:11.160 --> 00:06:15.959 difference between my neighbors, no difference between my friends and 97 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:20.800 neighbors at all. They're just humans. They're raising kids. They 98 00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:24.439 want to eat healthy food, they'd like clean air, they'd 99 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:27.920 like clean water, they'd like their streets to feel safe, 100 00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:32.240 and they want to feel protected. What we share together 101 00:06:32.959 --> 00:06:36.720 is so much more important, so if you are feeling 102 00:06:36.759 --> 00:06:41.120 this ambiguous loss, what do you do about it? Well, 103 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:46.839 first of all, don't run away from uncomfortable feelings. My 104 00:06:47.000 --> 00:06:51.399 motto in life has always been all feelings are welcome. 105 00:06:52.360 --> 00:06:56.439 Normalize your anger and your sadness. It's not a pathology. 106 00:06:57.120 --> 00:07:01.279 If emotions are scary, just wait, just let them be. 107 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:07.519 It'll change right. And also, don't rush things. Take time, 108 00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:11.800 be patient with yourself. If you're feeling angry and sad, 109 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:17.079 you are grieving right now. The biggest thing you can 110 00:07:17.160 --> 00:07:19.839 do is take control of something you know. In the 111 00:07:19.959 --> 00:07:23.800 very short term, what do you have control of? In 112 00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:25.879 the last week, I spent a lot of time doing 113 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:28.519 yard work. I am really good with a weed whacker, 114 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:33.519 just to let you know, and alonmore and pruning everything 115 00:07:33.560 --> 00:07:37.079 you can possibly prune. And so I just focused on 116 00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:40.600 what I could control, my house, my home, my family. 117 00:07:41.439 --> 00:07:45.040 I also exercised a lot, go running, listen to music, 118 00:07:45.560 --> 00:07:50.319 go to a movie, connect with people, call a friend. 119 00:07:51.399 --> 00:07:55.120 And finally, I just want to say, don't get over it. 120 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:59.600 Remember when we have a loss, when we have grief, 121 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:04.480 it'll turn into sadness and it will never actually go away. 122 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:07.720 It will be there and you'll learn to live with 123 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:09.439 it as your friend. For those of you who may 124 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:12.439 have lost a spouse, you know you never really get 125 00:08:12.480 --> 00:08:18.120 over it. It's just there, right, I just learned to 126 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:22.800 tolerate it, produce a Kayla. There's a wonderful scale we 127 00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:26.480 should put it actually on the Doctor Wendy website, called 128 00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:30.959 the Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. When we come back, I'll 129 00:08:30.959 --> 00:08:34.039 explain what that is. And it's an interesting test you 130 00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:38.360 can take as well how we can communicate better together, 131 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:43.440 especially if your team lost. You're listening to the Doctor 132 00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:46.639 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere 133 00:08:46.679 --> 00:08:48.320 on the iHeartRadio app. 134 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:53.639 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 135 00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:54.480 AM six. 136 00:08:54.519 --> 00:09:01.360 Forty AFI Am sixtor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is 137 00:09:01.399 --> 00:09:04.960 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. All right, whether you won 138 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:10.840 or lost, we know that the country has become polarized. 139 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:16.759 It has become an extreme of right or left. I 140 00:09:16.919 --> 00:09:20.519 like to say that it's less about liberal and conservative, 141 00:09:20.759 --> 00:09:25.919 less about Republican and Democrat, and far more about rural 142 00:09:26.919 --> 00:09:31.720 versus urban. The needs of rural people are very different 143 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:38.200 than the needs of urban people. Interesting enough, if you 144 00:09:38.279 --> 00:09:42.279 are more likely to be hardcore, like I believe the 145 00:09:42.320 --> 00:09:44.000 far left and the far right are the same person 146 00:09:44.039 --> 00:09:48.799 by the way, which is, they tend to be rigid, stringent, 147 00:09:49.519 --> 00:09:53.399 and think in a very black or white way. You know. 148 00:09:53.519 --> 00:09:57.799 Soon after World War Two, a famous philosopher named Theodore Adorno, 149 00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:03.840 in response to not sism, created a scale called the 150 00:10:04.039 --> 00:10:11.440 Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. And this is a sixteen question test. 151 00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:14.159 Producer Kayla, did you put it up on the KFI 152 00:10:14.200 --> 00:10:19.200 website for us? She stepped away? I say she's walking, okay, 153 00:10:19.879 --> 00:10:23.240 So it's up there. You just go to kfiam six 154 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:26.480 forty dot com doctor Wendy Walsh and you can take 155 00:10:26.519 --> 00:10:29.639 it yourself. Some of the questions are things like an 156 00:10:29.720 --> 00:10:32.960 expert who doesn't come up with a definitive answer probably 157 00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:37.600 doesn't know too much. Well, if you strongly agree with that, 158 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:43.200 then maybe you're slightly a black or white thinker. What 159 00:10:43.320 --> 00:10:46.279 they discovered about the black white right or wrong this 160 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:49.360 way or that way thinker is actually they're far more 161 00:10:49.440 --> 00:10:56.240 susceptible to fascism than somebody who can tolerate ambiguity. And 162 00:10:56.279 --> 00:11:00.399 I think we all need to tolerate ambiguity. A gray 163 00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:05.799 area of life. Right now, what I'm about to tell you, 164 00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:08.039 I will tell you that I didn't read in any 165 00:11:08.080 --> 00:11:13.639 psychology textbooks. This is just my personal opinion. I come from. 166 00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:17.639 My developmental years were spent in a culture. Canada or 167 00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:22.480 people are known for their kindness, They're known for being nice. 168 00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:24.799 You know, I've actually had people say to me before, 169 00:11:25.480 --> 00:11:29.840 you know, Canadians are too nice. Really, that's assuming we 170 00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:34.919 have absolutely new boundaries. Actually, we are nice and kind 171 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:38.000 because we know the boundaries are there and we can 172 00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:42.080 execute them at any time. But having said that, I 173 00:11:42.120 --> 00:11:45.919 have come up with five things that I think we 174 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:49.840 all can do if our team lost. I hate to 175 00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:53.399 call them teams. If you are somebody in California, which 176 00:11:53.440 --> 00:11:57.399 is most people in California who voted Democratic, and you're 177 00:11:57.480 --> 00:12:01.840 feeling sad and you're grieving, how to communicate because now 178 00:12:02.200 --> 00:12:05.720 those friends and family, those Trumpsters you used to have 179 00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:08.720 trouble with at the Thanksgiving dinner table, you can't gloat 180 00:12:08.720 --> 00:12:13.200 over them anymore. They won fair and square. So how 181 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:19.960 do you communicate with them? First and foremost, congratulate them. 182 00:12:20.360 --> 00:12:25.159 I know it sounds counterintuitive. If you're feeling sad that 183 00:12:25.240 --> 00:12:28.000 the Dems lost the election, I want you to take 184 00:12:28.440 --> 00:12:33.360 a que from billionaire Mark Cuban and huge Democratic donor. 185 00:12:34.120 --> 00:12:38.399 Soon after the election results came in, he tweeted do 186 00:12:38.440 --> 00:12:42.960 we say tweeted anymore? He exed the words you won 187 00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:48.360 fair and square. So, rather than argue about the results, 188 00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:56.000 bond with friends and family by simply acknowledging their win. Secondly, 189 00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:03.000 stress commonality. It is very true that most Americans have 190 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:06.480 far more in common than not, and some of those 191 00:13:06.519 --> 00:13:11.559 social issues that the various candidates campaigned on are so 192 00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:16.279 minor compared to the things that we have in common. Now. 193 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:18.600 I'm not going to dismiss that some of the people 194 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:22.799 listening right now are part of a minority who's terrified 195 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:26.799 because of some of the language that was used. But 196 00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:29.120 I'm talking about friends and family who might be a 197 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:34.559 little right, a little left. Bond over the common enemy, 198 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:40.720 and the common enemy is identity politics. The media has 199 00:13:40.840 --> 00:13:47.279 created our team allegiances. It's not about wearing the shirt 200 00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:52.039 or the hat. It's about looking for what we share together, 201 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:57.360 the things we care about. Clean water, clean air, healthy food, 202 00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:01.639 safe streets, a place to raise our kids that feel safe. 203 00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:07.399 Number Three, just bond over the fact that you can 204 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:10.200 all share relief that it's over. Do you notice at 205 00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:12.919 the beginning of the show, did around Robin? Are you relieved? 206 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:16.360 Are you relieved? Are you relieved? No matter if your 207 00:14:16.519 --> 00:14:21.200 side one or lost, there's probably a great relief that 208 00:14:21.200 --> 00:14:25.679 that political season, which is too long, too long of advertisements, texts, 209 00:14:25.720 --> 00:14:28.919 social media pos is finally behind us. We can all 210 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:31.840 focus on the holidays now. Okay, let's just focus on 211 00:14:31.879 --> 00:14:34.960 Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let's not think about this. I don't 212 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:37.840 ever want to see another political ad. I don't want 213 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:40.440 to get twenty texts from candidates begging me to send 214 00:14:40.440 --> 00:14:43.960 them money right away. We can all share relief that 215 00:14:44.039 --> 00:14:50.759 it's over. Now. You should also agree to just stop 216 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:56.960 talking about it. If political conversations still linger, simply say 217 00:14:57.840 --> 00:15:01.559 I respect you, but let's talk about anything politics, right, 218 00:15:02.360 --> 00:15:05.759 Just turn the subject away to something that's the here 219 00:15:05.919 --> 00:15:11.120 and now in your life. And above all, if you're 220 00:15:11.159 --> 00:15:14.720 on the side where your team won, please don't brag. 221 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:18.559 Especially don't brag about the increase in your stock portfolio 222 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:23.080 the next day that rally was expected. Okay, it happened 223 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:25.360 to me too. Just keep it to yourself that you're 224 00:15:25.360 --> 00:15:30.120 a little richer right now, Okay, don't gloat, don't brag. 225 00:15:30.679 --> 00:15:32.960 No I told you so. Don't go back to UC 226 00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.600 twenty twenty. It was stolen. Let us stop it. Just 227 00:15:36.679 --> 00:15:39.399 take a deep breath and look at your friends and 228 00:15:39.480 --> 00:15:48.279 family and remember love and remember connection. We are all Americans. Now, 229 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:51.639 that doesn't mean that I'm asking you to be completely 230 00:15:51.639 --> 00:15:57.159 complacent and let a potential authoritarian regime roll over you. 231 00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:00.879 There will be time for you to become activated again. 232 00:16:01.799 --> 00:16:06.679 But right now, take a deep breath. Find commonality between 233 00:16:06.679 --> 00:16:11.519 your neighbors, your friends, and your family. They won fair 234 00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:16.440 and square. Give them that, all right. Let us turn 235 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:22.080 favorite subject, dating and relationships. There's a new dating trend, 236 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:24.799 a couple new dating trends for gen Z. If you're 237 00:16:24.840 --> 00:16:26.480 the parent of a gen Z person, if you're a 238 00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:29.200 gen Z person that's eighteen to twenty seven year olds, 239 00:16:29.639 --> 00:16:31.720 you're going to want to listen up. You're listening to 240 00:16:31.759 --> 00:16:34.360 the Dr Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty 241 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:36.440 We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 242 00:16:36.840 --> 00:16:41.039 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 243 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:43.440 AM six forty May. 244 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:47.000 KFI Am six forty you are Doctor Wendy Walsh with 245 00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:50.120 you Okay, let's turn to love. This is the dr 246 00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:54.279 Wendy Walls show a new dating trend. Can you believe this? 247 00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:58.960 No more dating apps for gen Z. A recent Forbes 248 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:02.919 Health survey that seventy nine percent of gen Z that's 249 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:11.680 eighteen to twenty seven year olds, reported experiencing dating app burnout. Duh, okay. 250 00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:15.519 I know you would assume that these young people would 251 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:18.839 be prime candidates for swiping and matching and swiping and swiping, 252 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:22.880 but turns out it is not the case. Despite the 253 00:17:22.920 --> 00:17:27.119 growing trend overall in the last decade or so of 254 00:17:27.240 --> 00:17:30.799 dating apps being where most people go to find partners, 255 00:17:31.400 --> 00:17:34.240 gen Z, the young ones eighteen to twenty seven year 256 00:17:34.279 --> 00:17:38.440 olds are opting out. I know. I have a twenty 257 00:17:38.440 --> 00:17:39.920 one year old and I have a twenty six year 258 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:42.440 old and they do not use dating apps. I'll tell 259 00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:45.119 you what they use in a minute. There was a 260 00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:52.240 study done last year by Statista found that daters in 261 00:17:52.279 --> 00:17:55.119 the US between the ages of thirty and forty nine, 262 00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:59.000 who are mostly millennial, they make up sixty one percent 263 00:17:59.079 --> 00:18:02.960 of dating app use gen Z only twenty six percent. 264 00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:06.880 So let's talk about why why young people are saying 265 00:18:07.160 --> 00:18:11.119 I'm not going there I'm done. First of all, they're 266 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:14.640 still almost just past teenage life where they imagine there's 267 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:18.960 an audience looking at them and they feel embarrassed very easily. 268 00:18:19.839 --> 00:18:23.680 And so many gen z users are reporting that they 269 00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:28.119 are very concerned about rejection and this has actually kept 270 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:31.880 them from pursuing relationships. Can you imagine when you think 271 00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:35.160 bonding with somebody is the most important thing? No, no, no, no, 272 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:41.319 it actually keeps them from pursuing relationships. All right. They 273 00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:45.759 also tend to prefer in person connections. Isn't that nice? 274 00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:48.920 I love to hear that college students getting off those 275 00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:53.400 apps wanting to meet in person. Now, they're also tired 276 00:18:53.440 --> 00:18:59.319 of becoming victims of a psychological phenomenon called paradox of choice. 277 00:19:00.039 --> 00:19:03.279 Here's what the paradox of choice says. The more choice 278 00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:05.799 that a human brain is given, the less likely it 279 00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:08.160 is to make a choice. And when we do make 280 00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:11.039 a choice, when there's lots of selection out there, we 281 00:19:11.319 --> 00:19:15.960 are less likely to value our choice. So what ends 282 00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:18.279 up happening with those dating apps is they end up 283 00:19:18.319 --> 00:19:21.400 just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and messaging instead of dating. 284 00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:28.759 An interesting thing is that one of the reasons why 285 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:32.480 dating apps have failed to meet the expectations of gen 286 00:19:32.599 --> 00:19:37.039 z is because few of them actually left their phones 287 00:19:37.079 --> 00:19:42.119 to go on a date. You see, besides paradox of choice, 288 00:19:42.519 --> 00:19:46.240 there's another thing that happens with dating apps. People message 289 00:19:46.279 --> 00:19:50.799 a number of potential mates and literally become satisfied by 290 00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:53.640 the text themselves, right, So they message a whole bunch 291 00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:56.839 of people at the same time, and they create I 292 00:19:56.960 --> 00:20:00.359 like to call it a combined emotional satiation a little 293 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:02.839 bit from a lot of people, and for many of them, 294 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:05.480 that's enough, and they lose the desire to actually go 295 00:20:05.519 --> 00:20:07.279 out on the house, out of the house on a date. 296 00:20:07.839 --> 00:20:12.720 I like to call it dating apathy. Right now, I 297 00:20:12.799 --> 00:20:15.559 do want to remind you, and no matter the age, 298 00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:20.319 men and women use dating apps very differently. Men are 299 00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:23.680 smart enough to know I'm just gonna swipe on everything 300 00:20:23.960 --> 00:20:26.960 and see which woman likes me. So women get really 301 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:28.880 excited because when they first get on a dating app 302 00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:31.119 and they think I'm killing it, I'm matching with everybody, 303 00:20:31.119 --> 00:20:34.440 everybody click on, I'm matching with It's because guys match 304 00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:38.960 on every woman they're given. Women take time. We read 305 00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:43.400 every detail in the profile, We look closely and scrutinize 306 00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:45.519 the photograph, trying to figure out how much money they make, 307 00:20:45.559 --> 00:20:47.960 how do they live, what their taste is like. Right, 308 00:20:49.839 --> 00:20:54.400 But I think gen Z is getting turned off because 309 00:20:55.319 --> 00:20:59.920 they don't want technology for this one thing. There's also 310 00:21:00.039 --> 00:21:03.559 the issue of fake profiles. These guys are digital natives 311 00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:07.880 gen Z, and they know they know what fake or not, 312 00:21:08.039 --> 00:21:10.519 and they're sick of seeing married people pretending to be 313 00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:16.680 single romance scammers out for money. They're pretty sophisticated, these 314 00:21:16.720 --> 00:21:18.720 young people, and they're like, this is real, This is 315 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.079 not real. Why are people even into this? Right? Although 316 00:21:22.079 --> 00:21:25.000 I should say the romance scammers out there that are 317 00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:30.880 out for money are more likely to target older divorcees, widows, widowers, right, 318 00:21:31.720 --> 00:21:34.599 because they're less tech savvy and they're easy to trick. Sorry. 319 00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:40.799 The other thing is they're using other apps that aren't 320 00:21:40.839 --> 00:21:45.160 intended for dating. For instance, LinkedIn. Can you believe it? 321 00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:47.920 LinkedIn is the new dating app? Now, it's not that 322 00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:50.200 they run a dating app. It's that if you have 323 00:21:50.359 --> 00:21:53.880 something in common, right, That's why people get attracted. Something 324 00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:56.720 in common, like business, So they might message each other 325 00:21:56.720 --> 00:21:59.839 about business things and then sort of, you know, kind 326 00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:03.519 of find out there's no hall monitor. On LinkedIn, you 327 00:22:03.559 --> 00:22:07.480 don't have a human resources department. You're okay. You can 328 00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:10.359 flirt all you want on LinkedIn. And the biggest one 329 00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:16.519 is Instagram. Instagram. Instagram, Instagram. That's where gen z is. 330 00:22:16.839 --> 00:22:19.680 They're looking at each other's profiles. They're seeing what friends 331 00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:24.880 they have in common. They are sending dms. Right, it's 332 00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:28.960 all about Instagram for them. And finally, wait for it, 333 00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:32.640 the newest trend of all. They're actually flirting in public. 334 00:22:32.839 --> 00:22:34.640 They're learning how to do it. Okay, they don't know 335 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:36.480 how to do it. They're missing a lot of social skills, 336 00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:40.480 but they're learning. Okay. So I think in the future, 337 00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:46.359 dating apps need to somehow facilitate people to get in 338 00:22:46.359 --> 00:22:51.000 the real world quickly. Maybe they provide fewer matches so 339 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:54.000 that they can prevent that paradox of choice. Maybe they 340 00:22:54.039 --> 00:22:57.319 might include video conferencing or group dating in the real 341 00:22:57.359 --> 00:23:00.559 world that feels safer. They're all are going to have 342 00:23:00.680 --> 00:23:04.240 to eventually all those dating apps provide identity verification, because 343 00:23:04.359 --> 00:23:07.920 forget all these fake profiles and background checks. You know, 344 00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:09.880 in the past, the reason why the dating apps didn't 345 00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:13.799 want to do any background criminal background checks is because 346 00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:16.559 they felt it made them more liable, right, But I'm 347 00:23:16.599 --> 00:23:19.000 sorry they're just going to have to protect users more. 348 00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:24.759 One other way that gen Z is finally finding love. 349 00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:28.240 They're actually asking friends to introduce them. Oh my god, 350 00:23:28.319 --> 00:23:31.039 it's so old fashioned. I love it. Hey, when we 351 00:23:31.079 --> 00:23:33.880 come back, I am going to be answering your social 352 00:23:33.960 --> 00:23:37.640 media questions. Send your relationship questions in a DM to 353 00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:40.480 me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R 354 00:23:40.680 --> 00:23:43.359 Wendy Walsh. Producer Klab will go through and find them 355 00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:45.680 for us. So if you've got a relationship question, I'm 356 00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:46.880 not going to say your name, I'm not going to 357 00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:49.880 out you, I'm not going to embarrass you. Please feel 358 00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:52.400 free to send it in a DM. Now you are 359 00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:55.359 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM 360 00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:58.640 six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 361 00:23:58.880 --> 00:24:03.079 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 362 00:24:03.279 --> 00:24:04.200 AM six forty. 363 00:24:05.079 --> 00:24:07.279 Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walsh Show if I 364 00:24:07.440 --> 00:24:11.240 Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This 365 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:13.039 is the time of the show I go to my 366 00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:17.319 social media producer Kayla has been rifling through all week 367 00:24:17.480 --> 00:24:21.160 finding some of your relationship questions a reminder. I'm not 368 00:24:21.160 --> 00:24:23.720 a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but i have a 369 00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:27.000 lifetime of wisdom and I'm happy to weigh in. So 370 00:24:27.200 --> 00:24:29.680 here we go. Let me go to my DMS. If 371 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:31.240 you'd like to send me a question, just go to 372 00:24:31.359 --> 00:24:34.559 at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. 373 00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:38.599 Here we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone who 374 00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:43.240 when I met him, his divorce was two weeks away 375 00:24:43.319 --> 00:24:46.920 from being finalized. Oh, I think I know what's coming. 376 00:24:47.920 --> 00:24:52.200 It's now finalized, but his ex wife still lives in 377 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:57.880 his house. They have separate bedrooms, and he paid for 378 00:24:57.920 --> 00:25:00.640 the house. He says he doesn't want to rock the 379 00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:04.160 boat by giving her sixty days notice to move out. 380 00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:07.880 I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Should I pressure him 381 00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:13.200 to move her out or just wait patiently? You should 382 00:25:13.200 --> 00:25:15.880 do neither. You should get the heck out of there 383 00:25:16.279 --> 00:25:19.759 as fast as you can. I'm telling you I have 384 00:25:19.880 --> 00:25:23.039 waited for them to leave their wives my whole life. No, 385 00:25:23.960 --> 00:25:27.240 there's a reason why he's at least emotionally attached to 386 00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:30.160 her or financially attached to her, and you are going 387 00:25:30.240 --> 00:25:33.720 to be in a three way emotional tangle for your 388 00:25:33.880 --> 00:25:38.039 entire relationship with him. I promise you. If he says 389 00:25:38.079 --> 00:25:40.680 he doesn't want to give her notice, he's not going to. 390 00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:44.400 It is not your job to change him. But if 391 00:25:44.480 --> 00:25:47.640 waiting patiently is something you think is going to work 392 00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:50.640 out for you, then go ahead and try it. But 393 00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:54.200 you got your old Auntie here, doctor Wendy saying I 394 00:25:54.279 --> 00:25:59.559 would run so fast from this situation. Really get out 395 00:25:59.559 --> 00:26:02.440 of there. This is too messy. Don't even There's so 396 00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:06.519 many great guys out there. She's not gonna listen, is she. 397 00:26:06.519 --> 00:26:08.839 She's not gonna listen. I just know it all right. 398 00:26:08.920 --> 00:26:12.960 Next up, dear doctor Wendy. If a man just wants sex, 399 00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:16.480 but I want more, what's the best way to get 400 00:26:16.559 --> 00:26:19.960 him on the same page to see me as more 401 00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.079