Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
Speaker 1: I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI AM six forty. You
Speaker 1: have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh Show. Oh, the election, it happened. It's over.
Speaker 1: I'm so relieved. Producer, Kayla, are you completely relieved?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, okay, we need to talk okay about your feelings.
Speaker 1: We're going to get into that. Roouel. How you doing.
Speaker 1: Are you relieved as behind us? Oh? Yeah, I was
Speaker 1: so ready. Yeah, yeah, Heather, are we all done with
Speaker 1: election nonsense? I think there's still going to be a
Speaker 1: lot more nonsense even though the election is over. Spoken
Speaker 1: like three good Californians. You know. Everyone keeps saying to
Speaker 1: me to console, to console me and my friends and
Speaker 1: family is like, don't worry. You're in California. You're safe.
Speaker 1: And you know, I am both America and Canadian, and
Speaker 1: I'm always trying to compare the two systems, and I'm
Speaker 1: always trying to figure out certain systems. By the way,
Speaker 1: I didn't know, Okay, I've lived here for a few decades.
Speaker 1: I did not know that January twentieth was not President's Day.
Speaker 1: I kept calling it President's Day because I got a
Speaker 1: weekend plan with a bunch of girlfriends. I said, well,
Speaker 1: see you on President's Day and they said, isn't that
Speaker 1: MLK Day? And I'm like, oh, but it's the inauguration day.
Speaker 1: Isn't that President's Day. Apparently that's where the Canadian and
Speaker 1: me comes through. But one of the things I seem
Speaker 1: to be learning and what people keep telling me, is
Speaker 1: that the states have far more impact on our actual lives,
Speaker 1: day to day lives than the federal government, just saying.
Speaker 1: And in California, we tend to, you know, have policies
Speaker 1: that I think we're all going to be Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: I just want to say that. So let me tell
Speaker 1: you what what's coming up in the show. As you know,
Speaker 1: I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,
Speaker 1: not a therapist. But I love to educate people about
Speaker 1: everything that I've learned in my life and in psychology school.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about on tonight's show, how to communicate your
Speaker 1: feelings post election, maybe to the other side, how to
Speaker 1: deal with your grief, if you're feeling some grief, how
Speaker 1: to not gloat if you're gloating. And then let's get
Speaker 1: into the relationship stuff. Some new dating trends for gen
Speaker 1: Z as well as why women some women are swearing
Speaker 1: off sex and some men are supporting rape culture in response.
Speaker 1: Plus I'll be answering your social media questions. All right,
Speaker 1: let's get to the election thing. So there is a
Speaker 1: term called ambiguous loss. It was coined by doctor Pauline Boss.
Speaker 1: She's professor now emeritus Emeritus Emeritus Professor at the University of Minnesota,
Speaker 1: spent forty five years as a psychotherapist, and back in
Speaker 1: the nineteen seventies she coined the term ambigulous ambiguous loss
Speaker 1: when she was working with wives of soldiers who are
Speaker 1: missing in action because there's no body, there's no real loss.
Speaker 1: Are they alive or dead? Are they coming back? Are
Speaker 1: they not? You're ambiguous about this grief, right do Are
Speaker 1: you a widow? Are you not? Right? So we know
Speaker 1: that grief is the feeling we have after loss, but
Speaker 1: you have to be attached to something that you lose,
Speaker 1: and grief is so much easier if it's clear. Sorry
Speaker 1: to say death, you know, well, bankruptcy, loss of all
Speaker 1: your money, things that are quantified, things that are proven. Right,
Speaker 1: then we understand it. But according to doctor Pauline Boss,
Speaker 1: there are kinds of losses that are ambiguous, an abstract loss.
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe you're feeling that you've lost hopes and dreams.
Speaker 1: Maybe you've lost a sense of certainty about the future.
Speaker 1: Maybe you have a sense of loss about trust in
Speaker 1: the world as a safe place, maybe the loss of
Speaker 1: feelings of freedom over your own body, or maybe the
Speaker 1: loss of support for people have lesser means than the
Speaker 1: rest of us do. I'm going to say this again.
Speaker 1: You have the loss of support for people who have
Speaker 1: lesser means. And the reason why I wanted to say
Speaker 1: that again is because there is a belief system among
Speaker 1: many people, especially in California, who believe that, as one
Speaker 1: economist in the New York Times said, American voters shot
Speaker 1: themselves in the head to try to get rid of
Speaker 1: a headache. We worry for the working class. I worry
Speaker 1: for union workers who may have that support taken away
Speaker 1: all of a sudden. Mister you're fired, might actually do
Speaker 1: that and tell every all all your employers to do that.
Speaker 1: All right, So we have this ambiguous feeling of loss.
Speaker 1: We can't put our fingers on it, but we know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't like how politics has become identity politics,
Speaker 1: like you're supposed to wear the shirt, you're supposed to
Speaker 1: wear the hat. You know. It used to be that
Speaker 1: politics was something and voting was something that you did
Speaker 1: in private, quietly, and it was a behavior. It was
Speaker 1: something you did. It wasn't I am a Finish that sentence,
Speaker 1: however you want. I am a conservative, I am a liberal,
Speaker 1: I am a Republican. I am a Democrat. Now that's
Speaker 1: how we talk instead of I vote that way. And
Speaker 1: this is the biggest problem in America as far as
Speaker 1: I'm concerned. You should know, I actually have luxury of
Speaker 1: living in two different places. And one place is very
Speaker 1: very very liberal, and the other place is a rural
Speaker 1: area that is very very very red. And there's no
Speaker 1: difference between my neighbors, no difference between my friends and
Speaker 1: neighbors at all. They're just humans. They're raising kids. They
Speaker 1: want to eat healthy food, they'd like clean air, they'd
Speaker 1: like clean water, they'd like their streets to feel safe,
Speaker 1: and they want to feel protected. What we share together
Speaker 1: is so much more important, so if you are feeling
Speaker 1: this ambiguous loss, what do you do about it? Well,
Speaker 1: first of all, don't run away from uncomfortable feelings. My
Speaker 1: motto in life has always been all feelings are welcome.
Speaker 1: Normalize your anger and your sadness. It's not a pathology.
Speaker 1: If emotions are scary, just wait, just let them be.
Speaker 1: It'll change right. And also, don't rush things. Take time,
Speaker 1: be patient with yourself. If you're feeling angry and sad,
Speaker 1: you are grieving right now. The biggest thing you can
Speaker 1: do is take control of something you know. In the
Speaker 1: very short term, what do you have control of? In
Speaker 1: the last week, I spent a lot of time doing
Speaker 1: yard work. I am really good with a weed whacker,
Speaker 1: just to let you know, and alonmore and pruning everything
Speaker 1: you can possibly prune. And so I just focused on
Speaker 1: what I could control, my house, my home, my family.
Speaker 1: I also exercised a lot, go running, listen to music,
Speaker 1: go to a movie, connect with people, call a friend.
Speaker 1: And finally, I just want to say, don't get over it.
Speaker 1: Remember when we have a loss, when we have grief,
Speaker 1: it'll turn into sadness and it will never actually go away.
Speaker 1: It will be there and you'll learn to live with
Speaker 1: it as your friend. For those of you who may
Speaker 1: have lost a spouse, you know you never really get
Speaker 1: over it. It's just there, right, I just learned to
Speaker 1: tolerate it, produce a Kayla. There's a wonderful scale we
Speaker 1: should put it actually on the Doctor Wendy website, called
Speaker 1: the Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. When we come back, I'll
Speaker 1: explain what that is. And it's an interesting test you
Speaker 1: can take as well how we can communicate better together,
Speaker 1: especially if your team lost. You're listening to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six.
Speaker 1: Forty AFI Am sixtor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is
Speaker 1: the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. All right, whether you won
Speaker 1: or lost, we know that the country has become polarized.
Speaker 1: It has become an extreme of right or left. I
Speaker 1: like to say that it's less about liberal and conservative,
Speaker 1: less about Republican and Democrat, and far more about rural
Speaker 1: versus urban. The needs of rural people are very different
Speaker 1: than the needs of urban people. Interesting enough, if you
Speaker 1: are more likely to be hardcore, like I believe the
Speaker 1: far left and the far right are the same person
Speaker 1: by the way, which is, they tend to be rigid, stringent,
Speaker 1: and think in a very black or white way. You know.
Speaker 1: Soon after World War Two, a famous philosopher named Theodore Adorno,
Speaker 1: in response to not sism, created a scale called the
Speaker 1: Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. And this is a sixteen question test.
Speaker 1: Producer Kayla, did you put it up on the KFI
Speaker 1: website for us? She stepped away? I say she's walking, okay,
Speaker 1: So it's up there. You just go to kfiam six
Speaker 1: forty dot com doctor Wendy Walsh and you can take
Speaker 1: it yourself. Some of the questions are things like an
Speaker 1: expert who doesn't come up with a definitive answer probably
Speaker 1: doesn't know too much. Well, if you strongly agree with that,
Speaker 1: then maybe you're slightly a black or white thinker. What
Speaker 1: they discovered about the black white right or wrong this
Speaker 1: way or that way thinker is actually they're far more
Speaker 1: susceptible to fascism than somebody who can tolerate ambiguity. And
Speaker 1: I think we all need to tolerate ambiguity. A gray
Speaker 1: area of life. Right now, what I'm about to tell you,
Speaker 1: I will tell you that I didn't read in any
Speaker 1: psychology textbooks. This is just my personal opinion. I come from.
Speaker 1: My developmental years were spent in a culture. Canada or
Speaker 1: people are known for their kindness, They're known for being nice.
Speaker 1: You know, I've actually had people say to me before,
Speaker 1: you know, Canadians are too nice. Really, that's assuming we
Speaker 1: have absolutely new boundaries. Actually, we are nice and kind
Speaker 1: because we know the boundaries are there and we can
Speaker 1: execute them at any time. But having said that, I
Speaker 1: have come up with five things that I think we
Speaker 1: all can do if our team lost. I hate to
Speaker 1: call them teams. If you are somebody in California, which
Speaker 1: is most people in California who voted Democratic, and you're
Speaker 1: feeling sad and you're grieving, how to communicate because now
Speaker 1: those friends and family, those Trumpsters you used to have
Speaker 1: trouble with at the Thanksgiving dinner table, you can't gloat
Speaker 1: over them anymore. They won fair and square. So how
Speaker 1: do you communicate with them? First and foremost, congratulate them.
Speaker 1: I know it sounds counterintuitive. If you're feeling sad that
Speaker 1: the Dems lost the election, I want you to take
Speaker 1: a que from billionaire Mark Cuban and huge Democratic donor.
Speaker 1: Soon after the election results came in, he tweeted do
Speaker 1: we say tweeted anymore? He exed the words you won
Speaker 1: fair and square. So, rather than argue about the results,
Speaker 1: bond with friends and family by simply acknowledging their win. Secondly,
Speaker 1: stress commonality. It is very true that most Americans have
Speaker 1: far more in common than not, and some of those
Speaker 1: social issues that the various candidates campaigned on are so
Speaker 1: minor compared to the things that we have in common. Now.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to dismiss that some of the people
Speaker 1: listening right now are part of a minority who's terrified
Speaker 1: because of some of the language that was used. But
Speaker 1: I'm talking about friends and family who might be a
Speaker 1: little right, a little left. Bond over the common enemy,
Speaker 1: and the common enemy is identity politics. The media has
Speaker 1: created our team allegiances. It's not about wearing the shirt
Speaker 1: or the hat. It's about looking for what we share together,
Speaker 1: the things we care about. Clean water, clean air, healthy food,
Speaker 1: safe streets, a place to raise our kids that feel safe.
Speaker 1: Number Three, just bond over the fact that you can
Speaker 1: all share relief that it's over. Do you notice at
Speaker 1: the beginning of the show, did around Robin? Are you relieved?
Speaker 1: Are you relieved? Are you relieved? No matter if your
Speaker 1: side one or lost, there's probably a great relief that
Speaker 1: that political season, which is too long, too long of advertisements, texts,
Speaker 1: social media pos is finally behind us. We can all
Speaker 1: focus on the holidays now. Okay, let's just focus on
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let's not think about this. I don't
Speaker 1: ever want to see another political ad. I don't want
Speaker 1: to get twenty texts from candidates begging me to send
Speaker 1: them money right away. We can all share relief that
Speaker 1: it's over. Now. You should also agree to just stop
Speaker 1: talking about it. If political conversations still linger, simply say
Speaker 1: I respect you, but let's talk about anything politics, right,
Speaker 1: Just turn the subject away to something that's the here
Speaker 1: and now in your life. And above all, if you're
Speaker 1: on the side where your team won, please don't brag.
Speaker 1: Especially don't brag about the increase in your stock portfolio
Speaker 1: the next day that rally was expected. Okay, it happened
Speaker 1: to me too. Just keep it to yourself that you're
Speaker 1: a little richer right now, Okay, don't gloat, don't brag.
Speaker 1: No I told you so. Don't go back to UC
Speaker 1: twenty twenty. It was stolen. Let us stop it. Just
Speaker 1: take a deep breath and look at your friends and
Speaker 1: family and remember love and remember connection. We are all Americans. Now,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that I'm asking you to be completely
Speaker 1: complacent and let a potential authoritarian regime roll over you.
Speaker 1: There will be time for you to become activated again.
Speaker 1: But right now, take a deep breath. Find commonality between
Speaker 1: your neighbors, your friends, and your family. They won fair
Speaker 1: and square. Give them that, all right. Let us turn
Speaker 1: favorite subject, dating and relationships. There's a new dating trend,
Speaker 1: a couple new dating trends for gen Z. If you're
Speaker 1: the parent of a gen Z person, if you're a
Speaker 1: gen Z person that's eighteen to twenty seven year olds,
Speaker 1: you're going to want to listen up. You're listening to
Speaker 1: the Dr Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty May.
Speaker 1: KFI Am six forty you are Doctor Wendy Walsh with
Speaker 1: you Okay, let's turn to love. This is the dr
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls show a new dating trend. Can you believe this?
Speaker 1: No more dating apps for gen Z. A recent Forbes
Speaker 1: Health survey that seventy nine percent of gen Z that's
Speaker 1: eighteen to twenty seven year olds, reported experiencing dating app burnout. Duh, okay.
Speaker 1: I know you would assume that these young people would
Speaker 1: be prime candidates for swiping and matching and swiping and swiping,
Speaker 1: but turns out it is not the case. Despite the
Speaker 1: growing trend overall in the last decade or so of
Speaker 1: dating apps being where most people go to find partners,
Speaker 1: gen Z, the young ones eighteen to twenty seven year
Speaker 1: olds are opting out. I know. I have a twenty
Speaker 1: one year old and I have a twenty six year
Speaker 1: old and they do not use dating apps. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what they use in a minute. There was a
Speaker 1: study done last year by Statista found that daters in
Speaker 1: the US between the ages of thirty and forty nine,
Speaker 1: who are mostly millennial, they make up sixty one percent
Speaker 1: of dating app use gen Z only twenty six percent.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about why why young people are saying
Speaker 1: I'm not going there I'm done. First of all, they're
Speaker 1: still almost just past teenage life where they imagine there's
Speaker 1: an audience looking at them and they feel embarrassed very easily.
Speaker 1: And so many gen z users are reporting that they
Speaker 1: are very concerned about rejection and this has actually kept
Speaker 1: them from pursuing relationships. Can you imagine when you think
Speaker 1: bonding with somebody is the most important thing? No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: it actually keeps them from pursuing relationships. All right. They
Speaker 1: also tend to prefer in person connections. Isn't that nice?
Speaker 1: I love to hear that college students getting off those
Speaker 1: apps wanting to meet in person. Now, they're also tired
Speaker 1: of becoming victims of a psychological phenomenon called paradox of choice.
Speaker 1: Here's what the paradox of choice says. The more choice
Speaker 1: that a human brain is given, the less likely it
Speaker 1: is to make a choice. And when we do make
Speaker 1: a choice, when there's lots of selection out there, we
Speaker 1: are less likely to value our choice. So what ends
Speaker 1: up happening with those dating apps is they end up
Speaker 1: just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and messaging instead of dating.
Speaker 1: An interesting thing is that one of the reasons why
Speaker 1: dating apps have failed to meet the expectations of gen
Speaker 1: z is because few of them actually left their phones
Speaker 1: to go on a date. You see, besides paradox of choice,
Speaker 1: there's another thing that happens with dating apps. People message
Speaker 1: a number of potential mates and literally become satisfied by
Speaker 1: the text themselves, right, So they message a whole bunch
Speaker 1: of people at the same time, and they create I
Speaker 1: like to call it a combined emotional satiation a little
Speaker 1: bit from a lot of people, and for many of them,
Speaker 1: that's enough, and they lose the desire to actually go
Speaker 1: out on the house, out of the house on a date.
Speaker 1: I like to call it dating apathy. Right now, I
Speaker 1: do want to remind you, and no matter the age,
Speaker 1: men and women use dating apps very differently. Men are
Speaker 1: smart enough to know I'm just gonna swipe on everything
Speaker 1: and see which woman likes me. So women get really
Speaker 1: excited because when they first get on a dating app
Speaker 1: and they think I'm killing it, I'm matching with everybody,
Speaker 1: everybody click on, I'm matching with It's because guys match
Speaker 1: on every woman they're given. Women take time. We read
Speaker 1: every detail in the profile, We look closely and scrutinize
Speaker 1: the photograph, trying to figure out how much money they make,
Speaker 1: how do they live, what their taste is like. Right,
Speaker 1: But I think gen Z is getting turned off because
Speaker 1: they don't want technology for this one thing. There's also
Speaker 1: the issue of fake profiles. These guys are digital natives
Speaker 1: gen Z, and they know they know what fake or not,
Speaker 1: and they're sick of seeing married people pretending to be
Speaker 1: single romance scammers out for money. They're pretty sophisticated, these
Speaker 1: young people, and they're like, this is real, This is
Speaker 1: not real. Why are people even into this? Right? Although
Speaker 1: I should say the romance scammers out there that are
Speaker 1: out for money are more likely to target older divorcees, widows, widowers, right,
Speaker 1: because they're less tech savvy and they're easy to trick. Sorry.
Speaker 1: The other thing is they're using other apps that aren't
Speaker 1: intended for dating. For instance, LinkedIn. Can you believe it?
Speaker 1: LinkedIn is the new dating app? Now, it's not that
Speaker 1: they run a dating app. It's that if you have
Speaker 1: something in common, right, That's why people get attracted. Something
Speaker 1: in common, like business, So they might message each other
Speaker 1: about business things and then sort of, you know, kind
Speaker 1: of find out there's no hall monitor. On LinkedIn, you
Speaker 1: don't have a human resources department. You're okay. You can
Speaker 1: flirt all you want on LinkedIn. And the biggest one
Speaker 1: is Instagram. Instagram. Instagram, Instagram. That's where gen z is.
Speaker 1: They're looking at each other's profiles. They're seeing what friends
Speaker 1: they have in common. They are sending dms. Right, it's
Speaker 1: all about Instagram for them. And finally, wait for it,
Speaker 1: the newest trend of all. They're actually flirting in public.
Speaker 1: They're learning how to do it. Okay, they don't know
Speaker 1: how to do it. They're missing a lot of social skills,
Speaker 1: but they're learning. Okay. So I think in the future,
Speaker 1: dating apps need to somehow facilitate people to get in
Speaker 1: the real world quickly. Maybe they provide fewer matches so
Speaker 1: that they can prevent that paradox of choice. Maybe they
Speaker 1: might include video conferencing or group dating in the real
Speaker 1: world that feels safer. They're all are going to have
Speaker 1: to eventually all those dating apps provide identity verification, because
Speaker 1: forget all these fake profiles and background checks. You know,
Speaker 1: in the past, the reason why the dating apps didn't
Speaker 1: want to do any background criminal background checks is because
Speaker 1: they felt it made them more liable, right, But I'm
Speaker 1: sorry they're just going to have to protect users more.
Speaker 1: One other way that gen Z is finally finding love.
Speaker 1: They're actually asking friends to introduce them. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's so old fashioned. I love it. Hey, when we
Speaker 1: come back, I am going to be answering your social
Speaker 1: media questions. Send your relationship questions in a DM to
Speaker 1: me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. Producer Klab will go through and find them
Speaker 1: for us. So if you've got a relationship question, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to say your name, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: out you, I'm not going to embarrass you. Please feel
Speaker 1: free to send it in a DM. Now you are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walsh Show if I
Speaker 1: Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
Speaker 1: is the time of the show I go to my
Speaker 1: social media producer Kayla has been rifling through all week
Speaker 1: finding some of your relationship questions a reminder. I'm not
Speaker 1: a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but i have a
Speaker 1: lifetime of wisdom and I'm happy to weigh in. So
Speaker 1: here we go. Let me go to my DMS. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to send me a question, just go to
Speaker 1: at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram.
Speaker 1: Here we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone who
Speaker 1: when I met him, his divorce was two weeks away
Speaker 1: from being finalized. Oh, I think I know what's coming.
Speaker 1: It's now finalized, but his ex wife still lives in
Speaker 1: his house. They have separate bedrooms, and he paid for
Speaker 1: the house. He says he doesn't want to rock the
Speaker 1: boat by giving her sixty days notice to move out.
Speaker 1: I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Should I pressure him
Speaker 1: to move her out or just wait patiently? You should
Speaker 1: do neither. You should get the heck out of there
Speaker 1: as fast as you can. I'm telling you I have
Speaker 1: waited for them to leave their wives my whole life. No,
Speaker 1: there's a reason why he's at least emotionally attached to
Speaker 1: her or financially attached to her, and you are going
Speaker 1: to be in a three way emotional tangle for your
Speaker 1: entire relationship with him. I promise you. If he says
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to give her notice, he's not going to.
Speaker 1: It is not your job to change him. But if
Speaker 1: waiting patiently is something you think is going to work
Speaker 1: out for you, then go ahead and try it. But
Speaker 1: you got your old Auntie here, doctor Wendy saying I
Speaker 1: would run so fast from this situation. Really get out
Speaker 1: of there. This is too messy. Don't even There's so
Speaker 1: many great guys out there. She's not gonna listen, is she.
Speaker 1: She's not gonna listen. I just know it all right.
Speaker 1: Next up, dear doctor Wendy. If a man just wants sex,
Speaker 1: but I want more, what's the best way to get
Speaker 1: him on the same page to see me as more
Speaker 1: than just sex. Ps. We didn't have sex. He just
Speaker 1: always tries on our dates. Oh what kind of like this? Okay,
Speaker 1: So first I was gonna go, well, if you're having
Speaker 1: sex with him, then sorry, can't change that. So I
Speaker 1: think this is a great moment to have a doorway
Speaker 1: into emotional intimacy. So when he tries to have sex,
Speaker 1: you're gonna say things like, I am not ready. I
Speaker 1: am actually looking for a committed, long term relationship and
Speaker 1: I want to see where this leads before I do that.
Speaker 1: And if you're looking for a short term relationship with
Speaker 1: just sex, then maybe we're not a good match. Literally
Speaker 1: say that, have a backbone, say the truth, because you're
Speaker 1: You've got all the power right now to be completely honest.
Speaker 1: And he said, well, how are you going to know?
Speaker 1: Just say it takes some time to see if you're
Speaker 1: if you're going to be like a good relationship material
Speaker 1: person for the long term. That's what I say. Uh,
Speaker 1: here we go again, Dear doctor Wendy. Whenever I have
Speaker 1: a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it, confronts a
Speaker 1: strong word. How about just discuss it, bring it up whatever, Okay.
Speaker 1: Whenever I have a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it,
Speaker 1: he tells me that I'm telling myself stories and running
Speaker 1: with it as fact. He also tells me that it's
Speaker 1: not his job to calm my crazy I do have
Speaker 1: trust issues, but I wish he would provide comfort as
Speaker 1: my partner. Isn't it his responsibility? So I don't like
Speaker 1: the way he's responding to you, telling you you're crazy,
Speaker 1: and he's got to calm you're crazy, and maybe even
Speaker 1: gaslighting you saying, eh, you know, you're just making this
Speaker 1: stuff up and believing it. Whatever. I do, think it
Speaker 1: is your responsibility if you have heightened issues around jealousy
Speaker 1: and trust issues, to see a licensed therapist and work
Speaker 1: on that. But the other thing I have learned to
Speaker 1: do with men is give them script literally, say you know,
Speaker 1: when you say it's not your job to calm my crazy,
Speaker 1: I don't feel safer or more comforted. It would really
Speaker 1: help me if you would say, ah, babe, it's okay,
Speaker 1: I'm still here with you, and reassure me a little bit.
Speaker 1: It costs nothing to do that, Give me a hug, whatever,
Speaker 1: give him a script, tell him exactly what you want
Speaker 1: him to say and do, and you don't have to
Speaker 1: say it in an angry way. Just be nice. Why
Speaker 1: not we don't come with instruction manuals. We have to
Speaker 1: give people instructions, and we teach people how to treat us.
Speaker 1: Usually that saying comes with when we put up with
Speaker 1: bad behavior and say nothing we have they've tested us,
Speaker 1: and then we've given permission for them to use that
Speaker 1: bad behavior. Right, We teach people how to treat us,
Speaker 1: but sometimes it's more literal teaching. It is literally saying,
Speaker 1: here's what I need you to say right now. It
Speaker 1: would really help me. I've literally said that sentence to Julio.
Speaker 1: I'll say, you know, what you said seems to be
Speaker 1: feel It makes my feelings feel dismissive, just dismissed. So
Speaker 1: could you say blah blah blah instead? And he usually
Speaker 1: laughs because he thinks it's funny that I'm giving him
Speaker 1: a little schooling.
Speaker 2: But he does.
Speaker 1: That's the thing. People like to know where they stand
Speaker 1: and how to treat you. Okay, moving on, I think
Speaker 1: we have time for one moment before the break. Dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy, I've been dating a man for three weeks.
Speaker 1: Is it too soon to start cooking for him? Is
Speaker 1: that girlfriend or wife behavior? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
Speaker 1: This I won't give to you until I see you
Speaker 1: give to me, and time has to pass or you
Speaker 1: have to spend a certain amount of money before right now. Okay,
Speaker 1: stop all this nonsense. If you're a good cook and
Speaker 1: you would like to have this man over for dinner,
Speaker 1: then cook for him. The thing is It's not about
Speaker 1: when it's okay to cook for somebody. The question is
Speaker 1: are they reciprocating in their own way. Now that may
Speaker 1: be financially taking you out to dinners, it may be
Speaker 1: fixing stuff in your house for you or doing something instrumental, right,
Speaker 1: but you're looking for reciprocation at the beginning. But I
Speaker 1: mean obviously cooking for him every night and taking over
Speaker 1: that role, that's a different thing. I mean, like as
Speaker 1: a special thing. So Julio and I met during COVID, right,
Speaker 1: and I just packed so many picnics. We were just outside.
Speaker 1: We couldn't go to restaurants and you know, only going
Speaker 1: to eat so much takeout. So I cooked a lot
Speaker 1: at the beginning and packed picnics and that was a
Speaker 1: wonderful way for us to bond. So no, it's not
Speaker 1: too soon, and don't look at a clock. Just ask yourself,
Speaker 1: is this person? What is a relationship? First of all,
Speaker 1: a relationship is an exchange of care. The care can
Speaker 1: take so many different forms financial, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and yes,
Speaker 1: domestic responsibility care. So it's not like, oh he needs
Speaker 1: to do this before I will ever cook for him.
Speaker 1: Just pay attention. Is there some reciprocity happening in the
Speaker 1: early stages of dating. Okay, when we come back, I
Speaker 1: got a question from a guy who's having some problems
Speaker 1: on dating apps. We'll talk about it when we come back.
Speaker 1: You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
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