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<v Speaker 1>This is Pod Popular Podcast for.

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<v Speaker 2>The People, The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate,

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<v Speaker 2>the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 3>It's a great loved bab Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie.

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<v Speaker 3>Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one

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<v Speaker 3>dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back

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<v Speaker 3>here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcast

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<v Speaker 3>for the People. I am at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona.

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<v Speaker 3>It is getting to be the full Scott's Dazzle season

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<v Speaker 3>out here. So if you got the time, head on

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<v Speaker 3>out to the desert, and it is the time pretty

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<v Speaker 3>soon where we are doing once again, probably are our

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<v Speaker 3>two most popular episodes we do any year, Our Best

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<v Speaker 3>and Worst Cities in America in which to Find Love.

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<v Speaker 1>I did the show. I did those shows.

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<v Speaker 3>Based on my own information from traveling around and visiting

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<v Speaker 3>so many cities because of our tour, so I felt

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<v Speaker 3>I really spent some time. I got a lot of

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<v Speaker 3>input from people in the city. I did a lot

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<v Speaker 3>of research, we got a lot of feedback from you guys.

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<v Speaker 3>So before we came up with the top ten best

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<v Speaker 3>or the top ten ten worst, I really immersed myself

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<v Speaker 3>in the muck and I was able to do that

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<v Speaker 3>because I was on the road doing so many shows

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<v Speaker 3>in so many cities around the country and around the world.

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<v Speaker 1>As part of our tour.

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<v Speaker 3>We are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations,

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<v Speaker 3>and nominations from you guys. So, if you feel the

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<v Speaker 3>city you live in, or have moved from, or have

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<v Speaker 3>visited is a candidate for either the best or the

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<v Speaker 3>worst city in America to find love, shoot us an

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<v Speaker 3>email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. Put in

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<v Speaker 3>the subject line best city or worst city. We should

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<v Speaker 3>be able to tell by what you're writing, but we

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<v Speaker 3>will be surprised because some people send them like wait,

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<v Speaker 3>is that a good thing?

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<v Speaker 1>Or is that a bad thing?

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<v Speaker 3>We will take all your nominees and we will get

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<v Speaker 3>the lists out in the weeks of a heey.

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<v Speaker 1>We're always excited about do that.

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<v Speaker 3>To do that, we always get a ton of buzz.

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<v Speaker 3>The media always picks it up and runs with it.

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<v Speaker 3>Like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's the best, and

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<v Speaker 3>it is. But I'm not going to influence you. I'm

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<v Speaker 3>not going to influence the jury. So give me your candidates,

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<v Speaker 3>your nominations, your submissions for the best or the worst

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<v Speaker 3>cities to find love, and we will be rolling out

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<v Speaker 3>that list shortly. I wanted to talk a little bit

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<v Speaker 3>today about communication, which I know we always talk about

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<v Speaker 3>that on this podcast. We've said since since the day

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<v Speaker 3>we started that the keys do everything when it comes

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<v Speaker 3>to love, dating relationships are confidence and communication. And some

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<v Speaker 3>of you are like, wait, you said a few weeks

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<v Speaker 3>ago that the keys were passionate and curiosity. Yes, I

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<v Speaker 3>stand by those, but in order to find those and

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<v Speaker 3>get results from them, confidence and communication are what really

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<v Speaker 3>drives the engine and what really needs to be worked on.

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<v Speaker 3>So confidence, the lack thereof, or building upon that, I

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<v Speaker 3>think we've dealt with quite a bit this year. We've

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<v Speaker 3>had specialists on to talk about mental health and physical

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<v Speaker 3>fitness and emotional growth, all of that, and I think

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<v Speaker 3>they're all great episodes and it's great information.

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<v Speaker 1>But the communication part, we all struggle with that.

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<v Speaker 3>And I am and have been one of the worst

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<v Speaker 3>people you can possibly imagine when it comes to that,

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<v Speaker 3>as a boss and as a boyfriend and as a

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<v Speaker 3>member of society at communicating anything but mostly the right

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<v Speaker 3>thing in the right way at the right time. I'm

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<v Speaker 3>always surprised that I can pump out these episodes of

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<v Speaker 3>this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often I

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<v Speaker 3>have such trouble one on one. But that's a different

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<v Speaker 3>show for a different day. And people have said that

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<v Speaker 3>to me that I probably communicate better on my that

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<v Speaker 3>I do in real life. So if you want to

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<v Speaker 3>have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me, listen to

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<v Speaker 3>the show, come on the podcast, or shoot me an

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<v Speaker 3>email about it, and I'm great. I think I'm great

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<v Speaker 3>relatively now. On the basics, the please, thank you, you're welcome,

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<v Speaker 3>I'm sorry, I love you, things all very important, extremely so.

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<v Speaker 1>But the layers of my.

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<v Speaker 3>Thoughts and the nuance of what I'm trying to express

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<v Speaker 3>and the poetry between the lines that is often missing

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<v Speaker 3>either in what I say.

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<v Speaker 1>Or how I say it or how we say it.

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<v Speaker 1>So why do I bring this up today?

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<v Speaker 3>So somebody emailed me Tara from Arlington, Texas was the name,

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<v Speaker 3>thank you Tara, a thingy, a picture with meme, a

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<v Speaker 3>little picture of the words on it, and she said

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<v Speaker 3>do you agree with this? And it said shutting down

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<v Speaker 3>instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting

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<v Speaker 3>down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing,

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<v Speaker 3>and you're probably like, no shit, simple concept. Of course

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<v Speaker 3>it's bad. But but I think why that resonated with

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<v Speaker 3>me so much and why I wanted to talk about

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<v Speaker 3>it today is the word toxic. Because who would have

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<v Speaker 3>thought not saying something adds toxicity, and toxicity in a

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<v Speaker 3>relationship is such an important element and such a destructive one.

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<v Speaker 3>So getting back to the shutting down part, that was

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<v Speaker 3>my go to technique. I think that was the technique

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<v Speaker 3>I used way, way, way too often. I was like,

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<v Speaker 3>if they can see that I'm mad, then they will

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<v Speaker 3>try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that

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<v Speaker 3>they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or

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<v Speaker 3>apologize for it, and then I will be right. So

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<v Speaker 3>the shutting down and the going silent was about being right,

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<v Speaker 3>which never should be the point in any conversation or

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<v Speaker 3>any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple

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<v Speaker 3>episodes ago I talked about the importance of being heard

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<v Speaker 3>and hearing the other person. But you can't do that

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<v Speaker 3>if you weren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or

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<v Speaker 3>if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting

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<v Speaker 3>off the communication beyond just having angry body language and

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<v Speaker 3>scoals silent treatment. So that's what I want to talk about,

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<v Speaker 3>how we do that, why we do it, and what

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<v Speaker 3>we can do about all of it. So I got

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<v Speaker 3>to take a quick break so our sponsors can communicate

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<v Speaker 3>to you, and we will be right.

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<v Speaker 1>Back right after this and we are back.

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<v Speaker 3>So, as I have said ad infinitum on this show,

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<v Speaker 3>I'm not giving you advice.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm giving you my opinion. And my opinion is just

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<v Speaker 1>my own.

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<v Speaker 3>On what has or hasn't worked for me, but it

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<v Speaker 3>is what we have heard over and over and over

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<v Speaker 3>from so many people. And just by that very fact

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<v Speaker 3>that we have done so many shows, live around the

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<v Speaker 3>world and have heard from the largest pool of people

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<v Speaker 3>on this stuff, then honestly, anybody ever, I think that

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<v Speaker 3>this opinion is rooted in some things that you pretty

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<v Speaker 3>much bank is accurate. Like I think I know what

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<v Speaker 3>I'm talking about on this and some of these things

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<v Speaker 3>are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything,

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<v Speaker 3>how are they to know? But knowing when matters too.

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<v Speaker 3>I know there's two schools of thoughts on never go

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<v Speaker 3>to bed mad, which I didn't know before I started

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<v Speaker 3>doing the show, I'm like, oh, there's two schools of thought.

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<v Speaker 3>I thought the old adage never go to bed mad

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<v Speaker 3>was a real thing. But there are those who feel

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<v Speaker 3>that you should work things out in a moment so

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<v Speaker 3>it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I

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<v Speaker 3>see the point of that, and those who say, when

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<v Speaker 3>you are tired and upset and emotional, maybe a good

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<v Speaker 3>night's sleep is what you need most to calm and

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<v Speaker 3>reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school

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<v Speaker 3>of thought is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go

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<v Speaker 3>to bed mad. It's how you wake up, because it

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<v Speaker 3>only has purpose and value if you get up the

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<v Speaker 3>next morning and say, can we talk, And not in

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<v Speaker 3>a way that it picks right back up at that

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<v Speaker 3>angry point you left off at.

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<v Speaker 1>It's more like.

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<v Speaker 3>I've had some time to think and there are a

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<v Speaker 3>few things that I want to share, to see if

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<v Speaker 3>we can come together on this thing that has brought

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<v Speaker 3>us apart. And I know it's not easy to say

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<v Speaker 3>it like that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever,

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<v Speaker 3>but that word share is in that sentence. Share to

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<v Speaker 3>see if we can come together. Sharees a key to

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<v Speaker 3>all of this communication. When done right and with a

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<v Speaker 3>positive purpose. Communication is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions,

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<v Speaker 3>and yeah, emotions, share emotions. So shutting all those things

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<v Speaker 3>down tells the other person, I do not care enough

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<v Speaker 3>about you to try to get to the other side

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<v Speaker 3>of this.

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<v Speaker 1>Issue.

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<v Speaker 3>Our conflict, our conflict, both of us disagreement, our breakdown.

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<v Speaker 3>So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe

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<v Speaker 3>after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But

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<v Speaker 3>if you get past that night's sleep and you're not

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<v Speaker 3>speaking calmly, you can let a night turn into a day,

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<v Speaker 3>turn into a week, turn into the end. So you

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<v Speaker 3>have to at some point summon the strength and the

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<v Speaker 3>words and the calmness to address the elephant in the room,

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<v Speaker 3>because it is there. It's not going to go away.

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<v Speaker 3>You have to say something.

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<v Speaker 1>Can we talk? Those are some of the.

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<v Speaker 3>Scariest three words another person can hear because they're almost

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<v Speaker 3>never followed by anything good. But if you, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>softened it a little, or if you said something like, hey,

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<v Speaker 3>I'd love an opportunity to hear each other out about

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<v Speaker 3>what we were talking about last night or about what happened.

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<v Speaker 3>I think that's a little gentler and no matter how

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<v Speaker 3>furious you are at the other person, if you care

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<v Speaker 3>to talk and it means enough to you that you

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<v Speaker 3>want to say something about it, you must care about

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<v Speaker 3>something some elements of it and hopefully them and what

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<v Speaker 3>you guys have. But this isn't just to use for

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<v Speaker 3>bad things, because it's not just about that. Sometimes silence

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<v Speaker 3>comes from a place of positivity, but that can also

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<v Speaker 3>bring in toxic elements like doubt and fear and resentment,

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<v Speaker 3>because the silence is about what is not being said

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<v Speaker 3>and what is not being heard.

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<v Speaker 1>So what do I mean by that?

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<v Speaker 3>Well, of course they know I appreciate them, do they

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<v Speaker 3>We've been together seven years. Why would I be doing

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<v Speaker 3>this with you if I didn't love you. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>lots of people think the actions speak louder than the words,

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<v Speaker 3>another old adage, and I'm like.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, not always.

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<v Speaker 3>Sometimes we absolutely need to say and hear the words,

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<v Speaker 3>lots of words, because you know, communicating with positivity and

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<v Speaker 3>with purpose, they need to hear it.

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<v Speaker 1>You need to say it, and you need to feel it,

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<v Speaker 1>both of you. So somebody says, what do you want

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<v Speaker 1>to do today?

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<v Speaker 3>That's a normal question that you know, two people ask,

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<v Speaker 3>probably when they're in a relationship. Certainly a nice thing

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<v Speaker 3>to ask, because it means you want to respect their

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<v Speaker 3>wishes and their opinion on the subject matter what do

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<v Speaker 3>you want to do today? But their answer is way

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<v Speaker 3>more effective if the answer isn't I don't know, Maybe

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<v Speaker 3>see a movie. I don't know, you want to get

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<v Speaker 3>some food. I think the answer is way better if

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<v Speaker 3>it's I don't care.

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<v Speaker 1>I just want to be with you. I mean, how

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<v Speaker 1>many times have any of us heard that?

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<v Speaker 3>Not that many, right, But it's awesome if you do,

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<v Speaker 3>because then the two of you together, through this question

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<v Speaker 3>and this answer, you've established the desire to be together,

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<v Speaker 3>to share time and moments, and whatever you are doing

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<v Speaker 3>the act is secondary to the fact that you are

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<v Speaker 3>doing it with them. Then you can get into the

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<v Speaker 3>war what how Sometimes and hopefully you're just sitting next

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<v Speaker 3>to somebody in a movie theater and you're just like,

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<v Speaker 3>I love the fact that I'm just sitting here with them.

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<v Speaker 3>Can't even pay attention to the movie. I like the

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<v Speaker 3>time we're spending together, or a meal that you're sharing.

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<v Speaker 3>You don't even remember what you're eating or why this

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<v Speaker 3>is it that matters? I want to do it with you,

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<v Speaker 3>And isn't that great use of words and communication and

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<v Speaker 3>something that will never come out of silence? They won't

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<v Speaker 3>you think they know? They don't know because you don't

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<v Speaker 3>have to be extraordinarily eloquent or a master of language

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<v Speaker 3>to express that by saying that the person is more

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<v Speaker 3>important than the activity, saying it out loud, often, clearly, honestly, passionately.

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<v Speaker 3>I can tell you that all the fancy dinner dinner

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<v Speaker 3>menus in the world, they can't replace the effect that

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<v Speaker 3>you that it will have on you and them and

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<v Speaker 3>the relationship. And when when you know a lot of

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<v Speaker 3>people are going to counter when I bring this stuff

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<v Speaker 3>up and say I shouldn't have to say it, they

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<v Speaker 3>should know if they are paying attention. And to that,

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<v Speaker 3>I say, what, like, what are they paying attention to?

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<v Speaker 3>If people quote unquote knew what you were thinking and

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<v Speaker 3>feeling in silence, probably seventy percent of our conflicts wouldn't

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<v Speaker 3>even exist.

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<v Speaker 1>We never know, especially the guys.

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<v Speaker 3>A lot of times the women, even when they are communicating,

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<v Speaker 3>they're communicating at a level that only dogs can hear.

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<v Speaker 1>So communicating in silence it's probably never going to be effective.

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<v Speaker 1>We always need to hear it. We always need to

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<v Speaker 1>say it, and I think it always has value and

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to hear that.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, if he says it every day, it becomes white

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<v Speaker 3>noise and gets diluted and it has no value. I

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<v Speaker 3>want him to say I love you when he really

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<v Speaker 3>means it. Trust me, if he says it every day,

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<v Speaker 3>he means it every day because he remembered.

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<v Speaker 1>To say it and he felt to say it and

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<v Speaker 1>he thought to say it. Not a quick love you

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<v Speaker 1>I hear a lot one.

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<v Speaker 3>I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love

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<v Speaker 3>you before hanging up the phone and they leave out

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<v Speaker 3>the eye.

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<v Speaker 1>It's always a red flag.

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<v Speaker 3>To me, Okay, I love you. I want to hear

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<v Speaker 3>I love you. I want to hear the eye me

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<v Speaker 3>totally means something and it totally matters. You should never

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<v Speaker 3>get tired of hearing him say you are beautiful, and

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<v Speaker 3>you should never get tired of her saying you're special

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<v Speaker 3>or important, or there are grateful or happy, or that

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<v Speaker 3>they matter, because if you don't say things, then they

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<v Speaker 3>don't matter enough. That's what you not saying something really says.

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<v Speaker 3>And we all at the end of the day absolutely

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<v Speaker 3>want to matter in the world to that person and

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<v Speaker 3>in the relationship, because trust me, the easiest part of

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<v Speaker 3>the relationship should be saying the basic things that support

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<v Speaker 3>the most difficult conversations. It's a lot easier to have

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<v Speaker 3>a conversation with your wife about refinancing the house or

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<v Speaker 3>switching jobs, or figuring out what to do.

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<v Speaker 1>With your kid who's not doing well in school.

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<v Speaker 3>It's a lot easier to say all this, to have

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<v Speaker 3>those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating the daily basics.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm sorry I didn't

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<v Speaker 3>see your perspective. Thank you for picking up the package

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<v Speaker 3>for me. I love the way you looked last night.

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<v Speaker 3>If we can't see those things, we're in big trouble.

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<v Speaker 3>But if we can say these things, and we make

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<v Speaker 3>a point to do things and not only just remember

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<v Speaker 3>to say it, but becomes a part of your routine,

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<v Speaker 3>everything becomes easier and anything can be better.

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<v Speaker 1>So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's

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<v Speaker 1>always a caveat to that.

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<v Speaker 3>Turning point. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should

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<v Speaker 3>dial back one more. Fuck you, just dial that back,

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<v Speaker 3>Just throw that one. Sometimes you're better off not sending

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<v Speaker 3>that email or that text, or trying to get the

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<v Speaker 3>next word because you want to be the last word,

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<v Speaker 3>like there is some value in that. Sometimes silence is golden,

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<v Speaker 3>and there's an adage that has a purpose, and I

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<v Speaker 3>get all of that, but that is for a moment,

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<v Speaker 3>but after a breath, once you calm down, not for

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<v Speaker 3>weeks and not forever, just until you take up a

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<v Speaker 3>mental inventory for a second to think, does this person

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<v Speaker 3>or this situation merit any ounce of my time or

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<v Speaker 3>feelings to try to just not just work it out,

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<v Speaker 3>but just work through it our differences, this situation, these issues.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm not sure I do enough of that in professional situations,

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<v Speaker 3>not people who work with me or work for me,

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<v Speaker 3>and certainly not on this podcast. Somebody came up to me,

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<v Speaker 3>not just somebody. Her name is Nicole, and I should

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<v Speaker 3>honor that, and I need to say that out loud.

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<v Speaker 3>Nicole recently in person and said she has listened to

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<v Speaker 3>the show for five years, and I was flattered. But

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<v Speaker 3>there was this part of me embarrassed to hear that.

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<v Speaker 3>But no part of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful,

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<v Speaker 3>And I probably didn't express that in the moment.

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<v Speaker 1>Well enough.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, I let like, oh what do I do

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<v Speaker 3>with this information? Overwhelm the fact that I was extremely

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<v Speaker 3>grateful And there are there are tens of thousands of

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<v Speaker 3>podcasts that people could listen to, and there's millions of

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<v Speaker 3>ways to get you guys, information and that you could

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<v Speaker 3>get stimulized. So in somebody, any of you, and there's

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<v Speaker 3>a lot of you, take the time and listen each

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<v Speaker 3>week or most weeks, or even just a week or

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<v Speaker 3>two out of the year.

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<v Speaker 1>Shame on you. Catch up.

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<v Speaker 3>I do need to communicate two words and two things,

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<v Speaker 3>thank you, and keep listening, like share, follow, and review

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<v Speaker 3>this podcast. Your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting

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<v Speaker 3>ecosystem and to me, so thank you very much. Shoot

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<v Speaker 3>me an email Great Lovedebate at gmail dot com, not

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<v Speaker 3>just to give me your submissions on the best and

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<v Speaker 3>the worst, but also on your thoughts on how you communicate,

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<v Speaker 3>why you communicate, and the value that you find in communicating, because.

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<v Speaker 1>As always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop

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<v Speaker 1>making love. See you next time.

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<v Speaker 2>The Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate, The

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<v Speaker 2>Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a Great Love debab