Speaker 1: This is Pod Popular Podcast for.
Speaker 2: The People, The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate,
Speaker 2: the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 3: It's a great loved bab Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie.
Speaker 3: Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one
Speaker 3: dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back
Speaker 3: here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcast
Speaker 3: for the People. I am at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Speaker 3: It is getting to be the full Scott's Dazzle season
Speaker 3: out here. So if you got the time, head on
Speaker 3: out to the desert, and it is the time pretty
Speaker 3: soon where we are doing once again, probably are our
Speaker 3: two most popular episodes we do any year, Our Best
Speaker 3: and Worst Cities in America in which to Find Love.
Speaker 1: I did the show. I did those shows.
Speaker 3: Based on my own information from traveling around and visiting
Speaker 3: so many cities because of our tour, so I felt
Speaker 3: I really spent some time. I got a lot of
Speaker 3: input from people in the city. I did a lot
Speaker 3: of research, we got a lot of feedback from you guys.
Speaker 3: So before we came up with the top ten best
Speaker 3: or the top ten ten worst, I really immersed myself
Speaker 3: in the muck and I was able to do that
Speaker 3: because I was on the road doing so many shows
Speaker 3: in so many cities around the country and around the world.
Speaker 1: As part of our tour.
Speaker 3: We are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations,
Speaker 3: and nominations from you guys. So, if you feel the
Speaker 3: city you live in, or have moved from, or have
Speaker 3: visited is a candidate for either the best or the
Speaker 3: worst city in America to find love, shoot us an
Speaker 3: email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. Put in
Speaker 3: the subject line best city or worst city. We should
Speaker 3: be able to tell by what you're writing, but we
Speaker 3: will be surprised because some people send them like wait,
Speaker 3: is that a good thing?
Speaker 1: Or is that a bad thing?
Speaker 3: We will take all your nominees and we will get
Speaker 3: the lists out in the weeks of a heey.
Speaker 1: We're always excited about do that.
Speaker 3: To do that, we always get a ton of buzz.
Speaker 3: The media always picks it up and runs with it.
Speaker 3: Like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's the best, and
Speaker 3: it is. But I'm not going to influence you. I'm
Speaker 3: not going to influence the jury. So give me your candidates,
Speaker 3: your nominations, your submissions for the best or the worst
Speaker 3: cities to find love, and we will be rolling out
Speaker 3: that list shortly. I wanted to talk a little bit
Speaker 3: today about communication, which I know we always talk about
Speaker 3: that on this podcast. We've said since since the day
Speaker 3: we started that the keys do everything when it comes
Speaker 3: to love, dating relationships are confidence and communication. And some
Speaker 3: of you are like, wait, you said a few weeks
Speaker 3: ago that the keys were passionate and curiosity. Yes, I
Speaker 3: stand by those, but in order to find those and
Speaker 3: get results from them, confidence and communication are what really
Speaker 3: drives the engine and what really needs to be worked on.
Speaker 3: So confidence, the lack thereof, or building upon that, I
Speaker 3: think we've dealt with quite a bit this year. We've
Speaker 3: had specialists on to talk about mental health and physical
Speaker 3: fitness and emotional growth, all of that, and I think
Speaker 3: they're all great episodes and it's great information.
Speaker 1: But the communication part, we all struggle with that.
Speaker 3: And I am and have been one of the worst
Speaker 3: people you can possibly imagine when it comes to that,
Speaker 3: as a boss and as a boyfriend and as a
Speaker 3: member of society at communicating anything but mostly the right
Speaker 3: thing in the right way at the right time. I'm
Speaker 3: always surprised that I can pump out these episodes of
Speaker 3: this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often I
Speaker 3: have such trouble one on one. But that's a different
Speaker 3: show for a different day. And people have said that
Speaker 3: to me that I probably communicate better on my that
Speaker 3: I do in real life. So if you want to
Speaker 3: have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me, listen to
Speaker 3: the show, come on the podcast, or shoot me an
Speaker 3: email about it, and I'm great. I think I'm great
Speaker 3: relatively now. On the basics, the please, thank you, you're welcome,
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I love you, things all very important, extremely so.
Speaker 1: But the layers of my.
Speaker 3: Thoughts and the nuance of what I'm trying to express
Speaker 3: and the poetry between the lines that is often missing
Speaker 3: either in what I say.
Speaker 1: Or how I say it or how we say it.
Speaker 1: So why do I bring this up today?
Speaker 3: So somebody emailed me Tara from Arlington, Texas was the name,
Speaker 3: thank you Tara, a thingy, a picture with meme, a
Speaker 3: little picture of the words on it, and she said
Speaker 3: do you agree with this? And it said shutting down
Speaker 3: instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting
Speaker 3: down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing,
Speaker 3: and you're probably like, no shit, simple concept. Of course
Speaker 3: it's bad. But but I think why that resonated with
Speaker 3: me so much and why I wanted to talk about
Speaker 3: it today is the word toxic. Because who would have
Speaker 3: thought not saying something adds toxicity, and toxicity in a
Speaker 3: relationship is such an important element and such a destructive one.
Speaker 3: So getting back to the shutting down part, that was
Speaker 3: my go to technique. I think that was the technique
Speaker 3: I used way, way, way too often. I was like,
Speaker 3: if they can see that I'm mad, then they will
Speaker 3: try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that
Speaker 3: they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or
Speaker 3: apologize for it, and then I will be right. So
Speaker 3: the shutting down and the going silent was about being right,
Speaker 3: which never should be the point in any conversation or
Speaker 3: any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple
Speaker 3: episodes ago I talked about the importance of being heard
Speaker 3: and hearing the other person. But you can't do that
Speaker 3: if you weren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or
Speaker 3: if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting
Speaker 3: off the communication beyond just having angry body language and
Speaker 3: scoals silent treatment. So that's what I want to talk about,
Speaker 3: how we do that, why we do it, and what
Speaker 3: we can do about all of it. So I got
Speaker 3: to take a quick break so our sponsors can communicate
Speaker 3: to you, and we will be right.
Speaker 1: Back right after this and we are back.
Speaker 3: So, as I have said ad infinitum on this show,
Speaker 3: I'm not giving you advice.
Speaker 1: I'm giving you my opinion. And my opinion is just
Speaker 1: my own.
Speaker 3: On what has or hasn't worked for me, but it
Speaker 3: is what we have heard over and over and over
Speaker 3: from so many people. And just by that very fact
Speaker 3: that we have done so many shows, live around the
Speaker 3: world and have heard from the largest pool of people
Speaker 3: on this stuff, then honestly, anybody ever, I think that
Speaker 3: this opinion is rooted in some things that you pretty
Speaker 3: much bank is accurate. Like I think I know what
Speaker 3: I'm talking about on this and some of these things
Speaker 3: are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything,
Speaker 3: how are they to know? But knowing when matters too.
Speaker 3: I know there's two schools of thoughts on never go
Speaker 3: to bed mad, which I didn't know before I started
Speaker 3: doing the show, I'm like, oh, there's two schools of thought.
Speaker 3: I thought the old adage never go to bed mad
Speaker 3: was a real thing. But there are those who feel
Speaker 3: that you should work things out in a moment so
Speaker 3: it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I
Speaker 3: see the point of that, and those who say, when
Speaker 3: you are tired and upset and emotional, maybe a good
Speaker 3: night's sleep is what you need most to calm and
Speaker 3: reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school
Speaker 3: of thought is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go
Speaker 3: to bed mad. It's how you wake up, because it
Speaker 3: only has purpose and value if you get up the
Speaker 3: next morning and say, can we talk, And not in
Speaker 3: a way that it picks right back up at that
Speaker 3: angry point you left off at.
Speaker 1: It's more like.
Speaker 3: I've had some time to think and there are a
Speaker 3: few things that I want to share, to see if
Speaker 3: we can come together on this thing that has brought
Speaker 3: us apart. And I know it's not easy to say
Speaker 3: it like that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever,
Speaker 3: but that word share is in that sentence. Share to
Speaker 3: see if we can come together. Sharees a key to
Speaker 3: all of this communication. When done right and with a
Speaker 3: positive purpose. Communication is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions,
Speaker 3: and yeah, emotions, share emotions. So shutting all those things
Speaker 3: down tells the other person, I do not care enough
Speaker 3: about you to try to get to the other side
Speaker 3: of this.
Speaker 1: Issue.
Speaker 3: Our conflict, our conflict, both of us disagreement, our breakdown.
Speaker 3: So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe
Speaker 3: after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But
Speaker 3: if you get past that night's sleep and you're not
Speaker 3: speaking calmly, you can let a night turn into a day,
Speaker 3: turn into a week, turn into the end. So you
Speaker 3: have to at some point summon the strength and the
Speaker 3: words and the calmness to address the elephant in the room,
Speaker 3: because it is there. It's not going to go away.
Speaker 3: You have to say something.
Speaker 1: Can we talk? Those are some of the.
Speaker 3: Scariest three words another person can hear because they're almost
Speaker 3: never followed by anything good. But if you, you know,
Speaker 3: softened it a little, or if you said something like, hey,
Speaker 3: I'd love an opportunity to hear each other out about
Speaker 3: what we were talking about last night or about what happened.
Speaker 3: I think that's a little gentler and no matter how
Speaker 3: furious you are at the other person, if you care
Speaker 3: to talk and it means enough to you that you
Speaker 3: want to say something about it, you must care about
Speaker 3: something some elements of it and hopefully them and what
Speaker 3: you guys have. But this isn't just to use for
Speaker 3: bad things, because it's not just about that. Sometimes silence
Speaker 3: comes from a place of positivity, but that can also
Speaker 3: bring in toxic elements like doubt and fear and resentment,
Speaker 3: because the silence is about what is not being said
Speaker 3: and what is not being heard.
Speaker 1: So what do I mean by that?
Speaker 3: Well, of course they know I appreciate them, do they
Speaker 3: We've been together seven years. Why would I be doing
Speaker 3: this with you if I didn't love you. You know,
Speaker 3: lots of people think the actions speak louder than the words,
Speaker 3: another old adage, and I'm like.
Speaker 1: Well, not always.
Speaker 3: Sometimes we absolutely need to say and hear the words,
Speaker 3: lots of words, because you know, communicating with positivity and
Speaker 3: with purpose, they need to hear it.
Speaker 1: You need to say it, and you need to feel it,
Speaker 1: both of you. So somebody says, what do you want
Speaker 1: to do today?
Speaker 3: That's a normal question that you know, two people ask,
Speaker 3: probably when they're in a relationship. Certainly a nice thing
Speaker 3: to ask, because it means you want to respect their
Speaker 3: wishes and their opinion on the subject matter what do
Speaker 3: you want to do today? But their answer is way
Speaker 3: more effective if the answer isn't I don't know, Maybe
Speaker 3: see a movie. I don't know, you want to get
Speaker 3: some food. I think the answer is way better if
Speaker 3: it's I don't care.
Speaker 1: I just want to be with you. I mean, how
Speaker 1: many times have any of us heard that?
Speaker 3: Not that many, right, But it's awesome if you do,
Speaker 3: because then the two of you together, through this question
Speaker 3: and this answer, you've established the desire to be together,
Speaker 3: to share time and moments, and whatever you are doing
Speaker 3: the act is secondary to the fact that you are
Speaker 3: doing it with them. Then you can get into the
Speaker 3: war what how Sometimes and hopefully you're just sitting next
Speaker 3: to somebody in a movie theater and you're just like,
Speaker 3: I love the fact that I'm just sitting here with them.
Speaker 3: Can't even pay attention to the movie. I like the
Speaker 3: time we're spending together, or a meal that you're sharing.
Speaker 3: You don't even remember what you're eating or why this
Speaker 3: is it that matters? I want to do it with you,
Speaker 3: And isn't that great use of words and communication and
Speaker 3: something that will never come out of silence? They won't
Speaker 3: you think they know? They don't know because you don't
Speaker 3: have to be extraordinarily eloquent or a master of language
Speaker 3: to express that by saying that the person is more
Speaker 3: important than the activity, saying it out loud, often, clearly, honestly, passionately.
Speaker 3: I can tell you that all the fancy dinner dinner
Speaker 3: menus in the world, they can't replace the effect that
Speaker 3: you that it will have on you and them and
Speaker 3: the relationship. And when when you know a lot of
Speaker 3: people are going to counter when I bring this stuff
Speaker 3: up and say I shouldn't have to say it, they
Speaker 3: should know if they are paying attention. And to that,
Speaker 3: I say, what, like, what are they paying attention to?
Speaker 3: If people quote unquote knew what you were thinking and
Speaker 3: feeling in silence, probably seventy percent of our conflicts wouldn't
Speaker 3: even exist.
Speaker 1: We never know, especially the guys.
Speaker 3: A lot of times the women, even when they are communicating,
Speaker 3: they're communicating at a level that only dogs can hear.
Speaker 1: So communicating in silence it's probably never going to be effective.
Speaker 1: We always need to hear it. We always need to
Speaker 1: say it, and I think it always has value and
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear that.
Speaker 3: Well, if he says it every day, it becomes white
Speaker 3: noise and gets diluted and it has no value. I
Speaker 3: want him to say I love you when he really
Speaker 3: means it. Trust me, if he says it every day,
Speaker 3: he means it every day because he remembered.
Speaker 1: To say it and he felt to say it and
Speaker 1: he thought to say it. Not a quick love you
Speaker 1: I hear a lot one.
Speaker 3: I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love
Speaker 3: you before hanging up the phone and they leave out
Speaker 3: the eye.
Speaker 1: It's always a red flag.
Speaker 3: To me, Okay, I love you. I want to hear
Speaker 3: I love you. I want to hear the eye me
Speaker 3: totally means something and it totally matters. You should never
Speaker 3: get tired of hearing him say you are beautiful, and
Speaker 3: you should never get tired of her saying you're special
Speaker 3: or important, or there are grateful or happy, or that
Speaker 3: they matter, because if you don't say things, then they
Speaker 3: don't matter enough. That's what you not saying something really says.
Speaker 3: And we all at the end of the day absolutely
Speaker 3: want to matter in the world to that person and
Speaker 3: in the relationship, because trust me, the easiest part of
Speaker 3: the relationship should be saying the basic things that support
Speaker 3: the most difficult conversations. It's a lot easier to have
Speaker 3: a conversation with your wife about refinancing the house or
Speaker 3: switching jobs, or figuring out what to do.
Speaker 1: With your kid who's not doing well in school.
Speaker 3: It's a lot easier to say all this, to have
Speaker 3: those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating the daily basics.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm sorry I didn't
Speaker 3: see your perspective. Thank you for picking up the package
Speaker 3: for me. I love the way you looked last night.
Speaker 3: If we can't see those things, we're in big trouble.
Speaker 3: But if we can say these things, and we make
Speaker 3: a point to do things and not only just remember
Speaker 3: to say it, but becomes a part of your routine,
Speaker 3: everything becomes easier and anything can be better.
Speaker 1: So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's
Speaker 1: always a caveat to that.
Speaker 3: Turning point. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should
Speaker 3: dial back one more. Fuck you, just dial that back,
Speaker 3: Just throw that one. Sometimes you're better off not sending
Speaker 3: that email or that text, or trying to get the
Speaker 3: next word because you want to be the last word,
Speaker 3: like there is some value in that. Sometimes silence is golden,
Speaker 3: and there's an adage that has a purpose, and I
Speaker 3: get all of that, but that is for a moment,
Speaker 3: but after a breath, once you calm down, not for
Speaker 3: weeks and not forever, just until you take up a
Speaker 3: mental inventory for a second to think, does this person
Speaker 3: or this situation merit any ounce of my time or
Speaker 3: feelings to try to just not just work it out,
Speaker 3: but just work through it our differences, this situation, these issues.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure I do enough of that in professional situations,
Speaker 3: not people who work with me or work for me,
Speaker 3: and certainly not on this podcast. Somebody came up to me,
Speaker 3: not just somebody. Her name is Nicole, and I should
Speaker 3: honor that, and I need to say that out loud.
Speaker 3: Nicole recently in person and said she has listened to
Speaker 3: the show for five years, and I was flattered. But
Speaker 3: there was this part of me embarrassed to hear that.
Speaker 3: But no part of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful,
Speaker 3: And I probably didn't express that in the moment.
Speaker 1: Well enough.
Speaker 3: You know, I let like, oh what do I do
Speaker 3: with this information? Overwhelm the fact that I was extremely
Speaker 3: grateful And there are there are tens of thousands of
Speaker 3: podcasts that people could listen to, and there's millions of
Speaker 3: ways to get you guys, information and that you could
Speaker 3: get stimulized. So in somebody, any of you, and there's
Speaker 3: a lot of you, take the time and listen each
Speaker 3: week or most weeks, or even just a week or
Speaker 3: two out of the year.
Speaker 1: Shame on you. Catch up.
Speaker 3: I do need to communicate two words and two things,
Speaker 3: thank you, and keep listening, like share, follow, and review
Speaker 3: this podcast. Your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting
Speaker 3: ecosystem and to me, so thank you very much. Shoot
Speaker 3: me an email Great Lovedebate at gmail dot com, not
Speaker 3: just to give me your submissions on the best and
Speaker 3: the worst, but also on your thoughts on how you communicate,
Speaker 3: why you communicate, and the value that you find in communicating, because.
Speaker 1: As always at the Great Love Debate, we never stop
Speaker 1: making love. See you next time.
Speaker 2: The Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate, The
Speaker 2: Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a Great Love debab