Speaker 1: Everybody praises perfection, but what if it's actually keeping you trapped. Perfectionism,
Speaker 1: although you may think is about high standards, is absolutely not.
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk to you about why perfectionism is
Speaker 1: often about fear, shame, and the desperate need for approval.
Speaker 1: This is Ellen Stewart, the pushy brought from the Bronx.
Speaker 1: Welcome to my show, Recovery Recharged. Let's get right into
Speaker 1: why being a perfectionist is making you miserable. I've got
Speaker 1: the top questions from my listeners. They want to know
Speaker 1: what it's all about. They want to know why so
Speaker 1: many successful people struggle and learn practical tools to break
Speaker 1: free from the exhausting cycle of just never feeling good
Speaker 1: enough and always striving to be perfect. Emily's in the
Speaker 1: studio with us today. Let's get right to it. Emily.
Speaker 1: First question from our listeners.
Speaker 2: Most people think perfection is a strength. Why do you
Speaker 2: call it an addiction?
Speaker 1: Perfectionism can absolutely become an addiction because it creates a
Speaker 1: cycle of temporary emotional relief. I've got to do this,
Speaker 1: I've got to do this. It has to be perfect, right,
Speaker 1: like that Thanksgiving dinner or that wonderful party or I'm
Speaker 1: getting dressed to go out, or the kids have to
Speaker 1: be dressed a certain way. Every time a perfectionist finishes
Speaker 1: something to what they believe is flawless, or they receive
Speaker 1: praise for it, the brain experience is a reward, but
Speaker 1: that feeling doesn't last. It lasts until the next time
Speaker 1: they have to try to be perfect. Or what happens
Speaker 1: if you keep striving for perfectionism and you never ever
Speaker 1: think you're going to get it. You look around the
Speaker 1: room at the party, and instead of enjoying the party
Speaker 1: as the hostess, you are looking at every single flaw.
Speaker 1: The red cups were out instead of the blue cups,
Speaker 1: the silverware isn't exactly right, there's some a dish that
Speaker 1: isn't clean, or the garbage isn't empty quickly enough for you.
Speaker 1: You're chasing the next achievement, the next feeling of perfection,
Speaker 1: the next compliment, or you're running away from the criticism,
Speaker 1: or you're judging yourself so harshly that you are punishing
Speaker 1: yourself for not doing a good enough job as you're
Speaker 1: searching for the next perfect outcome. Just like any addiction,
Speaker 1: it becomes a cycle of seeking relief from anxiety rather
Speaker 1: than finding peace peace within yourself. It's that striving. It's
Speaker 1: that anxiousness. It's that feeling I have to do better.
Speaker 1: I have to do better, it has to be perfect
Speaker 1: or I won't feel good about myself, and that feeling
Speaker 1: of okay, we'll start it all over again with the
Speaker 1: next big project. That cycle that is addictive behavior. Let's
Speaker 1: go a little further, Emily, next.
Speaker 2: Question, what is perfectionism really hiding?
Speaker 1: When you strive for perfection, you're not thinking about doing
Speaker 1: things well. You're basically thinking about avoiding pain, whether you
Speaker 1: realize it or not. The pain of I've done it wrong,
Speaker 1: or I have failed in this, or I'm going to
Speaker 1: be rejected, or somebody's going to criticize me, or the
Speaker 1: belief that I'm only valuable if I do this thing
Speaker 1: really well. If I don't have a perfect dinner, people
Speaker 1: are going to judge me, people are going to criticize me,
Speaker 1: people are going to think that I'm not capable. No
Speaker 1: amount of perfection can heal those emotional wounds none. Those
Speaker 1: are the wounds that we need to reframe so that
Speaker 1: we're not looking for acceptance, but we are taking in
Speaker 1: our own sense of healing. So it doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: things get done. It matters how happy we are with
Speaker 1: ourselves and our own achievements at whatever level they are.
Speaker 1: Emily next question.
Speaker 2: Where does perfectionism usually begin?
Speaker 1: Believe it or not, It starts in childhood. I'm sure
Speaker 1: it doesn't surprise a lot of you because a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff happens when we're kids. Some kids learn that
Speaker 1: they had to perform to receive love or approval. Right
Speaker 1: if you put on this little show, or you do
Speaker 1: this little thing, or you get an A on your test,
Speaker 1: you get love and approval and attention. Other people grew
Speaker 1: up in homes where mistakes were criticized or punished. That
Speaker 1: you're not any good if you've done this wrong, or
Speaker 1: you go out to play a sports activity and mom
Speaker 1: and dad are looking at you very critically because you
Speaker 1: miscatching the ball or you didn't win the game, or
Speaker 1: something like that. You are judged on your performance and
Speaker 1: your achievements rather than who you are as a person.
Speaker 1: And that starts very very young, and over time perfection
Speaker 1: can become a survival strategy where it follows you into adulthood.
Speaker 1: The way that you put your armor on, the way
Speaker 1: that you feel loved. The way that you feel nourished,
Speaker 1: the way that you feel self love and self nourishment
Speaker 1: is to be totally perfect, so that you can almost
Speaker 1: hear your parents in the background saying you did good
Speaker 1: job today, Johnny, or you did a good job today, Mary,
Speaker 1: and that makes you feel complete, when in reality, you're
Speaker 1: always looking for the next compliment, the next approval, and
Speaker 1: that's what makes it so vicious a cycle, and that's
Speaker 1: where perfectionism usually begins.
Speaker 2: Next, Emily, how does perfectionism affect someone's recovery?
Speaker 1: You know this is a pushy broad My show is
Speaker 1: Recovery Recharged, and we talk about addiction all the time.
Speaker 1: Perfection is one of these things. Recovery requires honesty, vulnerability,
Speaker 1: and progress, not perfection. In fact, that's one of the
Speaker 1: sayings in twelve Step Recovery. It's progress, not perfection, because
Speaker 1: the moment we think we have to be perfect is
Speaker 1: the moment we begin to fail. Perfectionist often avoid asking
Speaker 1: for help because they feel they should already know the
Speaker 1: answers do things. That's what keeps them from the rooms,
Speaker 1: That's what keeps them from treatment, That's what keeps them
Speaker 1: from reaching out and calling somebody like the Pushy Broad
Speaker 1: and Pushy Broad from the Bronx dot com to help
Speaker 1: you out with the problem. That's when somebody turns around
Speaker 1: and says, I should have this drinking thing lett, or
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have to seek help to stop drinking. I
Speaker 1: can just do this on my own, or I can
Speaker 1: stop drugging on my own, because I'm not going to
Speaker 1: let anybody know that I have vulnerability or frailties, or
Speaker 1: I'm not going to let anybody know that I need help.
Speaker 1: So perfectionist hide relapses, They hide their struggles because they
Speaker 1: fear disappointing other people. Perfectionism also keeps people isolated. The
Speaker 1: number one red flag of active addiction isolation and isolation
Speaker 1: fuels addiction. So there are all those ways that perfectionism
Speaker 1: directly affects someone's recovery. We try to tear down those
Speaker 1: walls when I coach, So call me for a free
Speaker 1: consultation eight hundred and eight eight nine seventeen fifty seven
Speaker 1: or pushy Broad from the Bronx dot com. Let's get
Speaker 1: rid of the stigma of perfectionism and enjoy an honest,
Speaker 1: open recovery. Emily.
Speaker 2: Next question, what are the warning signs that perfectionism has
Speaker 2: become unhealthy.
Speaker 1: Perfectionism in general is unhealthy, but especially when you procrastinate
Speaker 1: because you're afraid of making mistakes and you continuously criticize yourself.
Speaker 1: You can enjoy your current accomplishments, you struggle to accept compliments,
Speaker 1: or you believe that your value or your self worth
Speaker 1: depends upon your performance. When all of those things come
Speaker 1: to the surface, one or all, perfectionism has most likely
Speaker 1: crossed into unhealthy territory for you, Emily, what else have
Speaker 1: you got?
Speaker 2: How does perfectionism impact relationships?
Speaker 1: I'm sure you can see it. I'm sure it's very evident.
Speaker 1: You either are the perfectionist in the relationship or you
Speaker 1: are living with someone that's a perfectionist. Right. First of all,
Speaker 1: it makes vulnerability difficult. It's very hard for you to
Speaker 1: admit to a partner that you're vulnerable, or you've made
Speaker 1: a mistake, or you have done something that you maybe
Speaker 1: want to undo, or you want to be able to
Speaker 1: break down and cry or have a temper dantrum. Because
Speaker 1: perfectionism makes vulnerability very difficult, you feel like you have
Speaker 1: to live up to an expectation and not be yourself
Speaker 1: but be someone else's idea of how you should handle
Speaker 1: your life. People wear emotional masks all the time because
Speaker 1: they're afraid of being seen as flawed. That's a really
Speaker 1: big thing. I want to come off as perfect. I
Speaker 1: want to come off as not having any problems. I
Speaker 1: want to come off as just having my stuff together
Speaker 1: okay and not having to worry about it. And I
Speaker 1: want to seem to be not stressed and not agonizing
Speaker 1: over anything. And I want the world to see me
Speaker 1: as this perfect person. And that means your relationship, and
Speaker 1: that means the relationship is not honest and it's not real.
Speaker 1: It can also create unrealistic expectations for others, which means
Speaker 1: you damage the trust and the intimacy because if somebody
Speaker 1: only sees the perfect side of you, when you actually
Speaker 1: do break down and they don't see the perfect side
Speaker 1: of you, all of a sudden, they don't understand what's
Speaker 1: going on. It's like, who are you and what have
Speaker 1: you done with my partner? In addition to which, you
Speaker 1: can't live up to somebody else's view of perfection. So
Speaker 1: relationships flourish through authenticity, not perfection every single time.
Speaker 2: Emily next question, why are perfectionists often exhausted.
Speaker 1: I know how I was. Every single time I planned
Speaker 1: a dinner for the family. I put lots of Thanksgiving dinners.
Speaker 1: I had lots of things to entertain. At one time
Speaker 1: in my life, I was married to a musician. I
Speaker 1: had the band over constantly. I did a lot of cooking,
Speaker 1: a lot of putting things together. I put events together.
Speaker 1: I did all kinds of things in my personal and
Speaker 1: professional life. Every single time I did it with a
Speaker 1: perfectionist viewpoint and strive to have every single little thing perfect.
Speaker 1: At the end of that experience, I was totally and
Speaker 1: completely exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed for days.
Speaker 1: How many of you do something amazing in the house,
Speaker 1: like all of you partners that do Christmas or the holidays,
Speaker 1: and every single holiday is a big hullabaloo, and then
Speaker 1: after that you have to be in bed for a
Speaker 1: week because you can't lift your head up off the pillow.
Speaker 1: Part of that is because you strive for such perfectionism
Speaker 1: that it's exhausting to keep up with impossible expectations that
Speaker 1: ninety nine percent of the time you impose upon yourself,
Speaker 1: so your mind barely rests because you're always trying to improve,
Speaker 1: always trying to fix, and most most importantly, always trying
Speaker 1: to control everything right, every single move, where this dish goes,
Speaker 1: where that fork goes. I know people that have catering
Speaker 1: services come in with people that help, serve, help clean up,
Speaker 1: and do all of that, and they still find themselves
Speaker 1: ordering everybody around and not letting anybody do anything on
Speaker 1: their own. Because when you feel that you can do
Speaker 1: it better than anybody else, and you do not lose
Speaker 1: that control, then you're exhausted. At the end of that time,
Speaker 1: you don't get a chance to celebrate your victories because
Speaker 1: you're already focused on what wasn't good enough. So how
Speaker 1: could you possibly relax and enjoy. The only thing your
Speaker 1: body can feel is exhaustion. Think about it. The next
Speaker 1: time you're trying to do this, your body's going to
Speaker 1: reject it. Listen to your body. Emily next question, what is.
Speaker 2: The biggest lie? Perfectionism tells us?
Speaker 1: This is also an addictive thing. When you say I'm perfect,
Speaker 1: you think it'll be enough. The moment I reach perfectionism,
Speaker 1: it'll be enough. Action is an illusion. Every achievement simply
Speaker 1: raises the bar higher. Real healing begins when we realize
Speaker 1: our worth has never depended upon being flawless, has never
Speaker 1: depended upon the perfect performance that we give. And you
Speaker 1: find that true in everything people that give a less
Speaker 1: than perfect performance when they stream something, or videos that
Speaker 1: you see online that you love about people just being people,
Speaker 1: not the perfect lighting, not the perfect situation, but people
Speaker 1: just having honest conversations and maybe laughing or maybe doing
Speaker 1: stuff that would not be compared to an Oscar winning performance.
Speaker 1: The more you strive for perfection, the more I need
Speaker 1: you to realize you will never reach that bar because
Speaker 1: there's no such thing. It's always in the eye of
Speaker 1: the beholder. And being your authentic self shows you where
Speaker 1: your line is. That's what you strive for. Stop thinking
Speaker 1: about striving for perfection and start thinking about striving for authenticity.
Speaker 1: Who am I really? Who do I want to be?
Speaker 1: Who is the person that I want to project to
Speaker 1: the world and most importantly to myself, Who's the person
Speaker 1: that I want to live with every single time I
Speaker 1: open my mouth? Emily next question.
Speaker 2: How can someone begin breaking free from perfectionism?
Speaker 1: When go back to a recovery saying, basically, practice progress,
Speaker 1: not perfection. Just see what you're going to accomplish today.
Speaker 1: You take it one day at a time. Let's see
Speaker 1: what I can do today. Let's see how I can
Speaker 1: make this easy for myself, rather than put more stress
Speaker 1: or anxiety on myself. Finish something without endlessly revising it.
Speaker 1: Do something, cook something, write a report, do what you
Speaker 1: need to do on a daily basis. Do your work,
Speaker 1: maybe check it once because you need to, because it's
Speaker 1: your job, and then forget it. You're in school, You're
Speaker 1: going to write a paper. Write the paper, give it
Speaker 1: your best, and then walk away. Stop constantly looking and
Speaker 1: poking and prodding at things the same thing when you're
Speaker 1: getting dressed in the morning. Stop putting on twelve outfits
Speaker 1: to decide whether or not this one's going to be
Speaker 1: right for you. Let your gut be the deciding factor.
Speaker 1: Learn to be comfortable with good enough, and if good
Speaker 1: enough doesn't work for you, then learn to be comfortable
Speaker 1: with good. It doesn't have to be good enough. Recovery
Speaker 1: isn't about getting everything right. Like life, it's not about
Speaker 1: getting everything right. It's about growing through the process. What
Speaker 1: am I doing and why am I doing it? And
Speaker 1: does it bring me joy? Rather than the need to
Speaker 1: be more perfect. Emily what else have we got.
Speaker 2: If someone listening today realizes perfectionism has been controlling their life,
Speaker 2: what would you tell them?
Speaker 1: Well, I tell them that people who truly love them
Speaker 1: don't need a perfect version of themselves. Okay, somebody that
Speaker 1: truly loves you doesn't need you to be perfect. In fact,
Speaker 1: most people can't stand people that try to be perfect.
Speaker 1: They need the real person, They need the authentic you.
Speaker 1: Healing begins when you stop performing for acceptances and start
Speaker 1: living authentically. If you have problems with this and it's
Speaker 1: interfering with your recovery, or you're in a partner relationship
Speaker 1: and hear you know, the summer is almost over and
Speaker 1: we start full and the holidays and the whole thing,
Speaker 1: and you want to get a jump on this push
Speaker 1: you brought from the Bronze dot com. I've got free
Speaker 1: consultations happening, and I'm taking on new clients. So let's
Speaker 1: see what I can do for you, Emily, next.
Speaker 2: Question, why do perfectionists have a hard time accepting compliments?
Speaker 1: You know, that's a two sided coin. People that are
Speaker 1: perfectionists really believe the compliments. Instead of hearing the compliment,
Speaker 1: they immediately think about what they could have done better,
Speaker 1: and they pooh poo it. They and they dismiss it,
Speaker 1: and they say, ah, you're just saying that because they
Speaker 1: don't trust perfections. Perfectionists don't trust because the only thing
Speaker 1: they try to trust is their own definition of perfection.
Speaker 1: So anybody that comes in any less than that or
Speaker 1: says something, they think, ah, she's just saying that. Your
Speaker 1: inner critic, the perfectionist inner critic, is always louder than
Speaker 1: everybody else's encouragement. So they dismiss praise and they keep
Speaker 1: chasing impossible standards, which means it doesn't matter what you do,
Speaker 1: because most perfectionists don't think it's ever good enough. So
Speaker 1: see how that cycle goes around and around and around.
Speaker 1: And because of that, it's an addictive thinking and addictive
Speaker 1: cycle that has to break and also can very easily
Speaker 1: lend itself to picking up a drink or a drug.
Speaker 1: On top of that, Emily, what else have you got.
Speaker 2: Is perfectionism rooted in fear or confidence.
Speaker 1: Perfectionism is never rooted in confidence. It is always rooted
Speaker 1: in fear. Confident people understand that they'll make mistakes and
Speaker 1: they'll continue moving forward. Okay, I always tell all of
Speaker 1: my clients, It's not about making mistakes. I need you
Speaker 1: to make mistakes for the rest of your life. Everybody
Speaker 1: makes mistakes. The idea is to make new mistakes, not
Speaker 1: the same mistakes over again. Perfectionists believe mistakes define them.
Speaker 1: Perfectionists believe that I'm only as good as my last mistake.
Speaker 1: Perfectionists believe that they're not motivated by confidence, but they're
Speaker 1: actually driven by fear of failure, rejection, embarrassment, or not
Speaker 1: being good enough. That's where that stems from. No matter
Speaker 1: how you think you feel about it, if you have
Speaker 1: this feeling of I need to be perfect, that's driven
Speaker 1: by fear that you're afraid not to be because imperfect
Speaker 1: people don't get the love and affection and attection that
Speaker 1: you've craved before. So think about it is rooted in fear.
Speaker 1: Take a good look at that, Emily. Let's move on.
Speaker 2: Why do perfectionists procrastinate so much?
Speaker 1: That is one trade of perfectionism. I mean, the other
Speaker 1: part of it is they write lists upon lists upon lists,
Speaker 1: I mean just add infinitum and then just try to
Speaker 1: get everything right continuously and are constantly working on it
Speaker 1: and working on it and working on it. In an
Speaker 1: almost OCD fashion, obsessed with convulsive fashion. But many perfectionists procrastinate,
Speaker 1: and they do that because they're tired and they're terrified
Speaker 1: of failing, so they don't want to take a step
Speaker 1: out right. Some of them never get started because they
Speaker 1: never have to risk making a mistake. Fear becomes disguised
Speaker 1: as delay. So take a look and see if that's
Speaker 1: happening to you, Emily.
Speaker 2: Next question, can perfectionism actually increase anxiety and depression?
Speaker 1: Without a doubt? When your expectations are impossible and when
Speaker 1: you constantly feel like you're falling short, how do you
Speaker 1: think you're going to feel about that? Really, you're going
Speaker 1: to be anxious and you're going to be depressed. This
Speaker 1: automatically creates stress, anxiety, disappointment, and eventually becomes hopelessness because
Speaker 1: you live under impossible standards, and that becomes emotionally exhausting.
Speaker 1: So perfectionism doesn't bring joy and positivity and happiness. It
Speaker 1: brings fear, anxiety, and depression and emotional exhaustion. Keep that
Speaker 1: in mind the next time you're planning that event, Emily,
Speaker 1: Next question, how.
Speaker 2: Does social media make perfectionism even worse? Ah?
Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness, can you not see this? Can you
Speaker 1: not see what's right in front of you? Social media
Speaker 1: encourages comparison. I'm going to compare myself to somebody my
Speaker 1: age or somebody else that's doing something absolutely wonderful, and
Speaker 1: my video or my post is not as good as
Speaker 1: anybody else's, and I have to get better and better
Speaker 1: and better at it because I need more views, more likes.
Speaker 1: Doesn't that sound familiar? People compare they're behind the scenes
Speaker 1: life to someone else's highlight reel. Okay, it's like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, that person must be having a wonderful life.
Speaker 1: They're making millions of dollars. They've got sponsors all over
Speaker 1: and all over the place. They're just making a few
Speaker 1: donkey videos and millions of dollars are coming in. All
Speaker 1: of these things we believe that are not rooted in
Speaker 1: fact at all, Because we begin believing everybody else has
Speaker 1: it together while we're the only ones struggling. That's simply
Speaker 1: not reality. And you know that, but it fuels perfectionist thinking.
Speaker 1: It also doesn't allow us to get started in something,
Speaker 1: because if you think somebody in social media is doing
Speaker 1: it so much better than you and feeling so great
Speaker 1: about it, and life looks wonderful and wonderful for them. Again,
Speaker 1: you feel as if you're never going to live up
Speaker 1: to those standards, so you don't do it at all.
Speaker 1: So that freeze moment happens. So that's what happens with
Speaker 1: perfectionism and how social media can absolutely make it worse Emily.
Speaker 2: Next question, can perfectionism become a substitute addiction after someone
Speaker 2: gets sober?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've seen that happen. I really have in so
Speaker 1: many different ways. Somebody is sober and they want to
Speaker 1: focus on something, so they transfer addictions. Right in recovery,
Speaker 1: we talk about somebody substituting one addiction for another. So
Speaker 1: if you've stopped drinking or drugging, maybe you're addicted to
Speaker 1: achievements you have to get straight a's at school, or
Speaker 1: you're addicted to fitness you have to go to the
Speaker 1: gym every single day, you have to work out exactly
Speaker 1: at that time, or you have to do your very
Speaker 1: best on the job, or you're going to turn to
Speaker 1: ministry helping others, being the perfect person in recovery. All
Speaker 1: of these things are wonderful, there is no question, but
Speaker 1: there are degrees to which you need to handle them.
Speaker 1: So that you manage them in a healthy way, because
Speaker 1: these can be addictions because even though the substance changes,
Speaker 1: the underlying need to earn worth remains. What you need
Speaker 1: for approval is still there. Those are the things we
Speaker 1: have to work on when it comes to addiction, which
Speaker 1: is why we know that recovery is not just about
Speaker 1: getting glean and sober from a mood all during drug
Speaker 1: but it's about changing the way you live your life,
Speaker 1: about changing the addictions that are plaguing your life. And
Speaker 1: perfectionism is one of those things. Okay, we've got time
Speaker 1: for a couple more next, Emily.
Speaker 2: What's the difference between excellence and perfectionism two sentences.
Speaker 1: Excellence means I'm going to strive to do my best
Speaker 1: or i will do my best to the best of
Speaker 1: my ability. Perfectionism is my best will never be enough.
Speaker 1: There's a big difference in those two things. Excellence inspires growth,
Speaker 1: perfectionism creates fear. Excellence is healthy. Perfectionism is driven by
Speaker 1: shame and impossible expectations. That's the difference, Emily, What else
Speaker 1: have we got?
Speaker 2: What role does self compassion play in overcoming perfectionism?
Speaker 1: Yes, a very big role, and it's a very big
Speaker 1: tool in recovery. Self compassion is everything. It's the understanding
Speaker 1: that you can't shame yourself into becoming healthier. Self compassion
Speaker 1: allows you to learn from mistakes instead of being crushed
Speaker 1: by them. Healing grows when grace is practiced, the grace
Speaker 1: that you give yourself for being a human being, capable
Speaker 1: of making mistakes, capable of forming opinions that are sometimes impulsive,
Speaker 1: sometimes well thought out, and capable of accomplishing things to
Speaker 1: the best of your ability without worrying about whether or
Speaker 1: not you're enough in the process. I am so glad
Speaker 1: that you have decided to join us today. This is
Speaker 1: a very, very big topic when it comes to you
Speaker 1: and when it comes to learning things. Understand that perfectionism
Speaker 1: isn't a badge of honor. It's often a person disguised
Speaker 1: as success and is in this own personal prison. Don't
Speaker 1: go there. You don't have to earn love or respect
Speaker 1: or place in this world by being flawless. You just
Speaker 1: have to be proud of who you are. It's your
Speaker 1: personal freedom, not your performance. Your imperfections don't make you
Speaker 1: less valuable. They make you human, and it's often through
Speaker 1: those imperfections that we connect most deeply with others. This
Speaker 1: is Ellen Stewart, the push you brought, saying thanks so
Speaker 1: much for listening and we'll see you next time. This
Speaker 1: is Ellen Stewart, the push you brought from the Bronx, saying,
Speaker 1: remember everybody needs a little push from the pushhit broad
Speaker 1: from the Bronx, New York at Home,