WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:09.320 Everybody praises perfection, but what if it's actually keeping you trapped. Perfectionism, 2 00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:14.039 although you may think is about high standards, is absolutely not. 3 00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:19.000 I'm going to talk to you about why perfectionism is 4 00:00:19.199 --> 00:00:24.800 often about fear, shame, and the desperate need for approval. 5 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:28.160 This is Ellen Stewart, the pushy brought from the Bronx. 6 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:32.640 Welcome to my show, Recovery Recharged. Let's get right into 7 00:00:32.679 --> 00:00:38.840 why being a perfectionist is making you miserable. I've got 8 00:00:38.840 --> 00:00:42.320 the top questions from my listeners. They want to know 9 00:00:42.679 --> 00:00:46.399 what it's all about. They want to know why so 10 00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:51.600 many successful people struggle and learn practical tools to break 11 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:55.600 free from the exhausting cycle of just never feeling good 12 00:00:55.679 --> 00:00:59.439 enough and always striving to be perfect. Emily's in the 13 00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:02.600 studio with us today. Let's get right to it. Emily. 14 00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:04.400 First question from our listeners. 15 00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:09.560 Most people think perfection is a strength. Why do you 16 00:01:09.640 --> 00:01:10.599 call it an addiction? 17 00:01:14.599 --> 00:01:19.680 Perfectionism can absolutely become an addiction because it creates a 18 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:25.280 cycle of temporary emotional relief. I've got to do this, 19 00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:27.359 I've got to do this. It has to be perfect, right, 20 00:01:27.480 --> 00:01:30.719 like that Thanksgiving dinner or that wonderful party or I'm 21 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:32.799 getting dressed to go out, or the kids have to 22 00:01:32.840 --> 00:01:37.400 be dressed a certain way. Every time a perfectionist finishes 23 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:43.159 something to what they believe is flawless, or they receive 24 00:01:43.319 --> 00:01:48.560 praise for it, the brain experience is a reward, but 25 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:52.599 that feeling doesn't last. It lasts until the next time 26 00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:55.439 they have to try to be perfect. Or what happens 27 00:01:55.519 --> 00:02:00.079 if you keep striving for perfectionism and you never ever 28 00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:02.120 think you're going to get it. You look around the 29 00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:04.640 room at the party, and instead of enjoying the party 30 00:02:04.680 --> 00:02:08.599 as the hostess, you are looking at every single flaw. 31 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:11.240 The red cups were out instead of the blue cups, 32 00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:15.120 the silverware isn't exactly right, there's some a dish that 33 00:02:15.280 --> 00:02:21.080 isn't clean, or the garbage isn't empty quickly enough for you. 34 00:02:21.080 --> 00:02:25.639 You're chasing the next achievement, the next feeling of perfection, 35 00:02:26.120 --> 00:02:30.599 the next compliment, or you're running away from the criticism, 36 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:35.759 or you're judging yourself so harshly that you are punishing 37 00:02:35.840 --> 00:02:39.960 yourself for not doing a good enough job as you're 38 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:44.639 searching for the next perfect outcome. Just like any addiction, 39 00:02:45.599 --> 00:02:50.680 it becomes a cycle of seeking relief from anxiety rather 40 00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:57.000 than finding peace peace within yourself. It's that striving. It's 41 00:02:57.080 --> 00:03:00.360 that anxiousness. It's that feeling I have to do better. 42 00:03:00.360 --> 00:03:02.240 I have to do better, it has to be perfect 43 00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:06.639 or I won't feel good about myself, and that feeling 44 00:03:06.680 --> 00:03:09.919 of okay, we'll start it all over again with the 45 00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:17.479 next big project. That cycle that is addictive behavior. Let's 46 00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:19.520 go a little further, Emily, next. 47 00:03:19.319 --> 00:03:23.400 Question, what is perfectionism really hiding? 48 00:03:25.199 --> 00:03:28.439 When you strive for perfection, you're not thinking about doing 49 00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:33.719 things well. You're basically thinking about avoiding pain, whether you 50 00:03:33.800 --> 00:03:38.439 realize it or not. The pain of I've done it wrong, 51 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:41.159 or I have failed in this, or I'm going to 52 00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:45.439 be rejected, or somebody's going to criticize me, or the 53 00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:49.560 belief that I'm only valuable if I do this thing 54 00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:53.960 really well. If I don't have a perfect dinner, people 55 00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:57.120 are going to judge me, people are going to criticize me, 56 00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:01.240 people are going to think that I'm not capable. No 57 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:08.400 amount of perfection can heal those emotional wounds none. Those 58 00:04:08.439 --> 00:04:13.919 are the wounds that we need to reframe so that 59 00:04:13.960 --> 00:04:19.680 we're not looking for acceptance, but we are taking in 60 00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:23.879 our own sense of healing. So it doesn't matter how 61 00:04:23.920 --> 00:04:28.360 things get done. It matters how happy we are with 62 00:04:28.519 --> 00:04:33.199 ourselves and our own achievements at whatever level they are. 63 00:04:34.360 --> 00:04:35.879 Emily next question. 64 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:39.480 Where does perfectionism usually begin? 65 00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:44.920 Believe it or not, It starts in childhood. I'm sure 66 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:47.120 it doesn't surprise a lot of you because a lot 67 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:51.439 of stuff happens when we're kids. Some kids learn that 68 00:04:51.480 --> 00:04:55.680 they had to perform to receive love or approval. Right 69 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:57.560 if you put on this little show, or you do 70 00:04:57.600 --> 00:04:59.879 this little thing, or you get an A on your test, 71 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:04.240 you get love and approval and attention. Other people grew 72 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:08.439 up in homes where mistakes were criticized or punished. That 73 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:11.519 you're not any good if you've done this wrong, or 74 00:05:11.560 --> 00:05:14.480 you go out to play a sports activity and mom 75 00:05:14.519 --> 00:05:17.120 and dad are looking at you very critically because you 76 00:05:17.240 --> 00:05:20.199 miscatching the ball or you didn't win the game, or 77 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:24.279 something like that. You are judged on your performance and 78 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:27.680 your achievements rather than who you are as a person. 79 00:05:28.040 --> 00:05:34.720 And that starts very very young, and over time perfection 80 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:41.480 can become a survival strategy where it follows you into adulthood. 81 00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:44.639 The way that you put your armor on, the way 82 00:05:44.680 --> 00:05:47.160 that you feel loved. The way that you feel nourished, 83 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:50.360 the way that you feel self love and self nourishment 84 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:54.079 is to be totally perfect, so that you can almost 85 00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:58.279 hear your parents in the background saying you did good 86 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:01.240 job today, Johnny, or you did a good job today, Mary, 87 00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:08.040 and that makes you feel complete, when in reality, you're 88 00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:14.399 always looking for the next compliment, the next approval, and 89 00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:20.160 that's what makes it so vicious a cycle, and that's 90 00:06:20.199 --> 00:06:24.199 where perfectionism usually begins. 91 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:32.240 Next, Emily, how does perfectionism affect someone's recovery? 92 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:34.040 You know this is a pushy broad My show is 93 00:06:34.040 --> 00:06:36.879 Recovery Recharged, and we talk about addiction all the time. 94 00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:43.199 Perfection is one of these things. Recovery requires honesty, vulnerability, 95 00:06:43.360 --> 00:06:46.720 and progress, not perfection. In fact, that's one of the 96 00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:51.920 sayings in twelve Step Recovery. It's progress, not perfection, because 97 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:56.079 the moment we think we have to be perfect is 98 00:06:56.120 --> 00:07:00.480 the moment we begin to fail. Perfectionist often avoid asking 99 00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:03.120 for help because they feel they should already know the 100 00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:07.079 answers do things. That's what keeps them from the rooms, 101 00:07:07.079 --> 00:07:10.519 That's what keeps them from treatment, That's what keeps them 102 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:13.920 from reaching out and calling somebody like the Pushy Broad 103 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.040 and Pushy Broad from the Bronx dot com to help 104 00:07:16.079 --> 00:07:19.360 you out with the problem. That's when somebody turns around 105 00:07:19.399 --> 00:07:23.319 and says, I should have this drinking thing lett, or 106 00:07:23.639 --> 00:07:27.160 I shouldn't have to seek help to stop drinking. I 107 00:07:27.160 --> 00:07:29.160 can just do this on my own, or I can 108 00:07:29.199 --> 00:07:31.680 stop drugging on my own, because I'm not going to 109 00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:35.399 let anybody know that I have vulnerability or frailties, or 110 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:38.639 I'm not going to let anybody know that I need help. 111 00:07:39.879 --> 00:07:44.160 So perfectionist hide relapses, They hide their struggles because they 112 00:07:44.360 --> 00:07:49.959 fear disappointing other people. Perfectionism also keeps people isolated. The 113 00:07:50.279 --> 00:07:56.720 number one red flag of active addiction isolation and isolation 114 00:07:57.240 --> 00:08:02.759 fuels addiction. So there are all those ways that perfectionism 115 00:08:02.959 --> 00:08:07.040 directly affects someone's recovery. We try to tear down those 116 00:08:07.079 --> 00:08:09.560 walls when I coach, So call me for a free 117 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:13.600 consultation eight hundred and eight eight nine seventeen fifty seven 118 00:08:13.879 --> 00:08:16.439 or pushy Broad from the Bronx dot com. Let's get 119 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:20.920 rid of the stigma of perfectionism and enjoy an honest, 120 00:08:21.199 --> 00:08:23.560 open recovery. Emily. 121 00:08:23.759 --> 00:08:28.120 Next question, what are the warning signs that perfectionism has 122 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:30.199 become unhealthy. 123 00:08:30.759 --> 00:08:35.519 Perfectionism in general is unhealthy, but especially when you procrastinate 124 00:08:35.559 --> 00:08:40.879 because you're afraid of making mistakes and you continuously criticize yourself. 125 00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:46.399 You can enjoy your current accomplishments, you struggle to accept compliments, 126 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:50.039 or you believe that your value or your self worth 127 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:56.159 depends upon your performance. When all of those things come 128 00:08:56.200 --> 00:09:01.519 to the surface, one or all, perfectionism has most likely 129 00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:06.919 crossed into unhealthy territory for you, Emily, what else have 130 00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:07.799 you got? 131 00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:11.960 How does perfectionism impact relationships? 132 00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:16.120 I'm sure you can see it. I'm sure it's very evident. 133 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:20.120 You either are the perfectionist in the relationship or you 134 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:24.600 are living with someone that's a perfectionist. Right. First of all, 135 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:28.360 it makes vulnerability difficult. It's very hard for you to 136 00:09:28.440 --> 00:09:31.080 admit to a partner that you're vulnerable, or you've made 137 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:36.000 a mistake, or you have done something that you maybe 138 00:09:36.039 --> 00:09:39.120 want to undo, or you want to be able to 139 00:09:39.159 --> 00:09:43.000 break down and cry or have a temper dantrum. Because 140 00:09:43.240 --> 00:09:49.039 perfectionism makes vulnerability very difficult, you feel like you have 141 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:52.720 to live up to an expectation and not be yourself 142 00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:57.039 but be someone else's idea of how you should handle 143 00:09:57.080 --> 00:10:02.080 your life. People wear emotional masks all the time because 144 00:10:02.120 --> 00:10:07.120 they're afraid of being seen as flawed. That's a really 145 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:09.559 big thing. I want to come off as perfect. I 146 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:12.159 want to come off as not having any problems. I 147 00:10:12.200 --> 00:10:15.519 want to come off as just having my stuff together 148 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:18.480 okay and not having to worry about it. And I 149 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:22.960 want to seem to be not stressed and not agonizing 150 00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:25.759 over anything. And I want the world to see me 151 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:32.120 as this perfect person. And that means your relationship, and 152 00:10:32.200 --> 00:10:35.360 that means the relationship is not honest and it's not real. 153 00:10:36.679 --> 00:10:42.480 It can also create unrealistic expectations for others, which means 154 00:10:42.519 --> 00:10:45.919 you damage the trust and the intimacy because if somebody 155 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.039 only sees the perfect side of you, when you actually 156 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:52.840 do break down and they don't see the perfect side 157 00:10:52.840 --> 00:10:54.840 of you, all of a sudden, they don't understand what's 158 00:10:54.879 --> 00:10:56.840 going on. It's like, who are you and what have 159 00:10:56.919 --> 00:11:01.039 you done with my partner? In addition to which, you 160 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:06.399 can't live up to somebody else's view of perfection. So 161 00:11:06.600 --> 00:11:14.600 relationships flourish through authenticity, not perfection every single time. 162 00:11:15.840 --> 00:11:21.840 Emily next question, why are perfectionists often exhausted. 163 00:11:23.399 --> 00:11:26.000 I know how I was. Every single time I planned 164 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.879 a dinner for the family. I put lots of Thanksgiving dinners. 165 00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:33.879 I had lots of things to entertain. At one time 166 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:36.039 in my life, I was married to a musician. I 167 00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:38.919 had the band over constantly. I did a lot of cooking, 168 00:11:39.039 --> 00:11:42.039 a lot of putting things together. I put events together. 169 00:11:42.120 --> 00:11:44.559 I did all kinds of things in my personal and 170 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:48.519 professional life. Every single time I did it with a 171 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:54.480 perfectionist viewpoint and strive to have every single little thing perfect. 172 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.440 At the end of that experience, I was totally and 173 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:03.480 completely exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed for days. 174 00:12:04.039 --> 00:12:06.759 How many of you do something amazing in the house, 175 00:12:06.919 --> 00:12:11.279 like all of you partners that do Christmas or the holidays, 176 00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:15.200 and every single holiday is a big hullabaloo, and then 177 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:17.000 after that you have to be in bed for a 178 00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:19.399 week because you can't lift your head up off the pillow. 179 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:24.240 Part of that is because you strive for such perfectionism 180 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:30.440 that it's exhausting to keep up with impossible expectations that 181 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:34.440 ninety nine percent of the time you impose upon yourself, 182 00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:39.039 so your mind barely rests because you're always trying to improve, 183 00:12:39.279 --> 00:12:43.360 always trying to fix, and most most importantly, always trying 184 00:12:43.399 --> 00:12:47.279 to control everything right, every single move, where this dish goes, 185 00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:52.200 where that fork goes. I know people that have catering 186 00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:56.679 services come in with people that help, serve, help clean up, 187 00:12:56.720 --> 00:12:59.519 and do all of that, and they still find themselves 188 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:03.559 ordering everybody around and not letting anybody do anything on 189 00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:06.360 their own. Because when you feel that you can do 190 00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:10.279 it better than anybody else, and you do not lose 191 00:13:10.360 --> 00:13:15.519 that control, then you're exhausted. At the end of that time, 192 00:13:16.440 --> 00:13:19.639 you don't get a chance to celebrate your victories because 193 00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:23.559 you're already focused on what wasn't good enough. So how 194 00:13:23.559 --> 00:13:27.080 could you possibly relax and enjoy. The only thing your 195 00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:31.799 body can feel is exhaustion. Think about it. The next 196 00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:36.039 time you're trying to do this, your body's going to 197 00:13:36.080 --> 00:13:43.159 reject it. Listen to your body. Emily next question, what is. 198 00:13:43.080 --> 00:13:45.919 The biggest lie? Perfectionism tells us? 199 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:53.200 This is also an addictive thing. When you say I'm perfect, 200 00:13:53.720 --> 00:13:57.399 you think it'll be enough. The moment I reach perfectionism, 201 00:13:57.639 --> 00:14:04.759 it'll be enough. Action is an illusion. Every achievement simply 202 00:14:04.960 --> 00:14:09.960 raises the bar higher. Real healing begins when we realize 203 00:14:10.039 --> 00:14:14.879 our worth has never depended upon being flawless, has never 204 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:21.039 depended upon the perfect performance that we give. And you 205 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:25.120 find that true in everything people that give a less 206 00:14:25.159 --> 00:14:30.039 than perfect performance when they stream something, or videos that 207 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:33.679 you see online that you love about people just being people, 208 00:14:34.440 --> 00:14:38.240 not the perfect lighting, not the perfect situation, but people 209 00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:44.159 just having honest conversations and maybe laughing or maybe doing 210 00:14:44.200 --> 00:14:48.200 stuff that would not be compared to an Oscar winning performance. 211 00:14:50.159 --> 00:14:52.799 The more you strive for perfection, the more I need 212 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:57.720 you to realize you will never reach that bar because 213 00:14:57.759 --> 00:15:01.600 there's no such thing. It's always in the eye of 214 00:15:01.639 --> 00:15:06.480 the beholder. And being your authentic self shows you where 215 00:15:06.519 --> 00:15:11.080 your line is. That's what you strive for. Stop thinking 216 00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:17.159 about striving for perfection and start thinking about striving for authenticity. 217 00:15:17.639 --> 00:15:22.360 Who am I really? Who do I want to be? 218 00:15:22.679 --> 00:15:25.200 Who is the person that I want to project to 219 00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:29.720 the world and most importantly to myself, Who's the person 220 00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:32.519 that I want to live with every single time I 221 00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:36.120 open my mouth? Emily next question. 222 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:40.759 How can someone begin breaking free from perfectionism? 223 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:47.919 When go back to a recovery saying, basically, practice progress, 224 00:15:48.279 --> 00:15:53.120 not perfection. Just see what you're going to accomplish today. 225 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:55.639 You take it one day at a time. Let's see 226 00:15:55.639 --> 00:15:58.879 what I can do today. Let's see how I can 227 00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:02.480 make this easy for myself, rather than put more stress 228 00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:08.639 or anxiety on myself. Finish something without endlessly revising it. 229 00:16:10.120 --> 00:16:15.159 Do something, cook something, write a report, do what you 230 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:17.480 need to do on a daily basis. Do your work, 231 00:16:17.799 --> 00:16:20.159 maybe check it once because you need to, because it's 232 00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:23.879 your job, and then forget it. You're in school, You're 233 00:16:23.879 --> 00:16:26.840 going to write a paper. Write the paper, give it 234 00:16:26.919 --> 00:16:31.519 your best, and then walk away. Stop constantly looking and 235 00:16:31.639 --> 00:16:34.600 poking and prodding at things the same thing when you're 236 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:37.679 getting dressed in the morning. Stop putting on twelve outfits 237 00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:39.639 to decide whether or not this one's going to be 238 00:16:39.720 --> 00:16:43.600 right for you. Let your gut be the deciding factor. 239 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:48.600 Learn to be comfortable with good enough, and if good 240 00:16:48.759 --> 00:16:51.919 enough doesn't work for you, then learn to be comfortable 241 00:16:51.960 --> 00:16:55.879 with good. It doesn't have to be good enough. Recovery 242 00:16:56.080 --> 00:16:59.919 isn't about getting everything right. Like life, it's not about 243 00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:05.200 getting everything right. It's about growing through the process. What 244 00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:08.400 am I doing and why am I doing it? And 245 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:12.720 does it bring me joy? Rather than the need to 246 00:17:12.759 --> 00:17:17.119 be more perfect. Emily what else have we got. 247 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:22.680 If someone listening today realizes perfectionism has been controlling their life, 248 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:26.119 what would you tell them? 249 00:17:26.279 --> 00:17:28.880 Well, I tell them that people who truly love them 250 00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:33.799 don't need a perfect version of themselves. Okay, somebody that 251 00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:36.720 truly loves you doesn't need you to be perfect. In fact, 252 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:40.880 most people can't stand people that try to be perfect. 253 00:17:41.480 --> 00:17:44.720 They need the real person, They need the authentic you. 254 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:51.440 Healing begins when you stop performing for acceptances and start 255 00:17:51.519 --> 00:17:56.200 living authentically. If you have problems with this and it's 256 00:17:56.240 --> 00:18:00.240 interfering with your recovery, or you're in a partner relationship 257 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.640 and hear you know, the summer is almost over and 258 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:05.960 we start full and the holidays and the whole thing, 259 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.319 and you want to get a jump on this push 260 00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:10.640 you brought from the Bronze dot com. I've got free 261 00:18:10.680 --> 00:18:14.839 consultations happening, and I'm taking on new clients. So let's 262 00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:18.000 see what I can do for you, Emily, next. 263 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:23.160 Question, why do perfectionists have a hard time accepting compliments? 264 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:29.720 You know, that's a two sided coin. People that are 265 00:18:29.720 --> 00:18:35.039 perfectionists really believe the compliments. Instead of hearing the compliment, 266 00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:37.880 they immediately think about what they could have done better, 267 00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:41.160 and they pooh poo it. They and they dismiss it, 268 00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:43.599 and they say, ah, you're just saying that because they 269 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:50.240 don't trust perfections. Perfectionists don't trust because the only thing 270 00:18:50.359 --> 00:18:53.920 they try to trust is their own definition of perfection. 271 00:18:54.359 --> 00:18:58.279 So anybody that comes in any less than that or 272 00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:02.960 says something, they think, ah, she's just saying that. Your 273 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:08.079 inner critic, the perfectionist inner critic, is always louder than 274 00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:12.799 everybody else's encouragement. So they dismiss praise and they keep 275 00:19:12.920 --> 00:19:17.440 chasing impossible standards, which means it doesn't matter what you do, 276 00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:22.720 because most perfectionists don't think it's ever good enough. So 277 00:19:22.839 --> 00:19:26.519 see how that cycle goes around and around and around. 278 00:19:26.839 --> 00:19:30.599 And because of that, it's an addictive thinking and addictive 279 00:19:30.680 --> 00:19:34.279 cycle that has to break and also can very easily 280 00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:37.039 lend itself to picking up a drink or a drug. 281 00:19:37.279 --> 00:19:40.799 On top of that, Emily, what else have you got. 282 00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:45.519 Is perfectionism rooted in fear or confidence. 283 00:19:48.480 --> 00:19:52.240 Perfectionism is never rooted in confidence. It is always rooted 284 00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:57.200 in fear. Confident people understand that they'll make mistakes and 285 00:19:57.240 --> 00:20:02.400 they'll continue moving forward. Okay, I always tell all of 286 00:20:02.400 --> 00:20:04.880 my clients, It's not about making mistakes. I need you 287 00:20:04.920 --> 00:20:07.240 to make mistakes for the rest of your life. Everybody 288 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:11.039 makes mistakes. The idea is to make new mistakes, not 289 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:18.880 the same mistakes over again. Perfectionists believe mistakes define them. 290 00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:21.759 Perfectionists believe that I'm only as good as my last mistake. 291 00:20:23.200 --> 00:20:29.759 Perfectionists believe that they're not motivated by confidence, but they're 292 00:20:29.799 --> 00:20:34.680 actually driven by fear of failure, rejection, embarrassment, or not 293 00:20:34.839 --> 00:20:39.119 being good enough. That's where that stems from. No matter 294 00:20:39.160 --> 00:20:42.279 how you think you feel about it, if you have 295 00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:47.559 this feeling of I need to be perfect, that's driven 296 00:20:47.640 --> 00:20:51.960 by fear that you're afraid not to be because imperfect 297 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:54.480 people don't get the love and affection and attection that 298 00:20:54.559 --> 00:21:02.240 you've craved before. So think about it is rooted in fear. 299 00:21:03.799 --> 00:21:08.240 Take a good look at that, Emily. Let's move on. 300 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:12.880 Why do perfectionists procrastinate so much? 301 00:21:14.960 --> 00:21:17.640 That is one trade of perfectionism. I mean, the other 302 00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:20.480 part of it is they write lists upon lists upon lists, 303 00:21:20.519 --> 00:21:24.359 I mean just add infinitum and then just try to 304 00:21:24.400 --> 00:21:27.839 get everything right continuously and are constantly working on it 305 00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:29.880 and working on it and working on it. In an 306 00:21:29.920 --> 00:21:37.240 almost OCD fashion, obsessed with convulsive fashion. But many perfectionists procrastinate, 307 00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:42.519 and they do that because they're tired and they're terrified 308 00:21:42.599 --> 00:21:45.079 of failing, so they don't want to take a step 309 00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:48.559 out right. Some of them never get started because they 310 00:21:48.599 --> 00:21:53.319 never have to risk making a mistake. Fear becomes disguised 311 00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:56.640 as delay. So take a look and see if that's 312 00:21:56.680 --> 00:22:00.519 happening to you, Emily. 313 00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:07.000 Next question, can perfectionism actually increase anxiety and depression? 314 00:22:08.119 --> 00:22:13.839 Without a doubt? When your expectations are impossible and when 315 00:22:13.880 --> 00:22:17.440 you constantly feel like you're falling short, how do you 316 00:22:17.440 --> 00:22:20.759 think you're going to feel about that? Really, you're going 317 00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:23.680 to be anxious and you're going to be depressed. This 318 00:22:23.880 --> 00:22:30.359 automatically creates stress, anxiety, disappointment, and eventually becomes hopelessness because 319 00:22:30.519 --> 00:22:36.079 you live under impossible standards, and that becomes emotionally exhausting. 320 00:22:37.079 --> 00:22:42.359 So perfectionism doesn't bring joy and positivity and happiness. It 321 00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:48.440 brings fear, anxiety, and depression and emotional exhaustion. Keep that 322 00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:53.160 in mind the next time you're planning that event, Emily, 323 00:22:53.359 --> 00:22:55.720 Next question, how. 324 00:22:55.599 --> 00:22:59.680 Does social media make perfectionism even worse? Ah? 325 00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:02.559 Oh, my goodness, can you not see this? Can you 326 00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:04.920 not see what's right in front of you? Social media 327 00:23:05.240 --> 00:23:09.960 encourages comparison. I'm going to compare myself to somebody my 328 00:23:10.119 --> 00:23:13.759 age or somebody else that's doing something absolutely wonderful, and 329 00:23:13.880 --> 00:23:17.200 my video or my post is not as good as 330 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:19.519 anybody else's, and I have to get better and better 331 00:23:19.559 --> 00:23:22.599 and better at it because I need more views, more likes. 332 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:27.680 Doesn't that sound familiar? People compare they're behind the scenes 333 00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:32.240 life to someone else's highlight reel. Okay, it's like, oh 334 00:23:32.279 --> 00:23:34.680 my god, that person must be having a wonderful life. 335 00:23:34.759 --> 00:23:37.640 They're making millions of dollars. They've got sponsors all over 336 00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:40.480 and all over the place. They're just making a few 337 00:23:40.519 --> 00:23:44.000 donkey videos and millions of dollars are coming in. All 338 00:23:44.039 --> 00:23:48.599 of these things we believe that are not rooted in 339 00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:53.640 fact at all, Because we begin believing everybody else has 340 00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:58.720 it together while we're the only ones struggling. That's simply 341 00:23:58.759 --> 00:24:03.920 not reality. And you know that, but it fuels perfectionist thinking. 342 00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:08.920 It also doesn't allow us to get started in something, 343 00:24:09.400 --> 00:24:11.920 because if you think somebody in social media is doing 344 00:24:11.960 --> 00:24:14.359 it so much better than you and feeling so great 345 00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:18.160 about it, and life looks wonderful and wonderful for them. Again, 346 00:24:18.359 --> 00:24:19.960 you feel as if you're never going to live up 347 00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:21.920 to those standards, so you don't do it at all. 348 00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:28.400 So that freeze moment happens. So that's what happens with 349 00:24:28.559 --> 00:24:36.039 perfectionism and how social media can absolutely make it worse Emily. 350 00:24:36.119 --> 00:24:42.079 Next question, can perfectionism become a substitute addiction after someone 351 00:24:42.119 --> 00:24:42.880 gets sober? 352 00:24:44.359 --> 00:24:48.400 Yeah, I've seen that happen. I really have in so 353 00:24:48.480 --> 00:24:52.039 many different ways. Somebody is sober and they want to 354 00:24:52.119 --> 00:25:00.559 focus on something, so they transfer addictions. Right in recovery, 355 00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:05.079 we talk about somebody substituting one addiction for another. So 356 00:25:06.119 --> 00:25:09.039 if you've stopped drinking or drugging, maybe you're addicted to 357 00:25:09.240 --> 00:25:12.519 achievements you have to get straight a's at school, or 358 00:25:12.559 --> 00:25:14.440 you're addicted to fitness you have to go to the 359 00:25:14.440 --> 00:25:16.720 gym every single day, you have to work out exactly 360 00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:21.079 at that time, or you have to do your very 361 00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:24.279 best on the job, or you're going to turn to 362 00:25:25.400 --> 00:25:30.119 ministry helping others, being the perfect person in recovery. All 363 00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:33.240 of these things are wonderful, there is no question, but 364 00:25:33.359 --> 00:25:36.799 there are degrees to which you need to handle them. 365 00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:43.480 So that you manage them in a healthy way, because 366 00:25:43.559 --> 00:25:48.720 these can be addictions because even though the substance changes, 367 00:25:49.359 --> 00:25:54.720 the underlying need to earn worth remains. What you need 368 00:25:54.759 --> 00:25:59.119 for approval is still there. Those are the things we 369 00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:01.720 have to work on when it comes to addiction, which 370 00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:06.039 is why we know that recovery is not just about 371 00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:08.759 getting glean and sober from a mood all during drug 372 00:26:09.599 --> 00:26:12.559 but it's about changing the way you live your life, 373 00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:17.559 about changing the addictions that are plaguing your life. And 374 00:26:17.680 --> 00:26:23.880 perfectionism is one of those things. Okay, we've got time 375 00:26:23.880 --> 00:26:26.079 for a couple more next, Emily. 376 00:26:26.839 --> 00:26:34.279 What's the difference between excellence and perfectionism two sentences. 377 00:26:35.480 --> 00:26:37.839 Excellence means I'm going to strive to do my best 378 00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:40.039 or i will do my best to the best of 379 00:26:40.039 --> 00:26:44.799 my ability. Perfectionism is my best will never be enough. 380 00:26:46.519 --> 00:26:52.160 There's a big difference in those two things. Excellence inspires growth, 381 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:59.759 perfectionism creates fear. Excellence is healthy. Perfectionism is driven by 382 00:26:59.799 --> 00:27:06.079 shame and impossible expectations. That's the difference, Emily, What else 383 00:27:06.119 --> 00:27:06.599 have we got? 384 00:27:07.640 --> 00:27:11.519 What role does self compassion play in overcoming perfectionism? 385 00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:17.400 Yes, a very big role, and it's a very big 386 00:27:17.559 --> 00:27:24.119 tool in recovery. Self compassion is everything. It's the understanding 387 00:27:24.160 --> 00:27:28.559 that you can't shame yourself into becoming healthier. Self compassion 388 00:27:28.599 --> 00:27:32.000 allows you to learn from mistakes instead of being crushed 389 00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:38.440 by them. Healing grows when grace is practiced, the grace 390 00:27:38.519 --> 00:27:43.599 that you give yourself for being a human being, capable 391 00:27:43.640 --> 00:27:50.359 of making mistakes, capable of forming opinions that are sometimes impulsive, 392 00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:55.119 sometimes well thought out, and capable of accomplishing things to 393 00:27:55.279 --> 00:27:59.680 the best of your ability without worrying about whether or 394 00:27:59.720 --> 00:28:04.960 not you're enough in the process. I am so glad 395 00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:08.480 that you have decided to join us today. This is 396 00:28:08.519 --> 00:28:14.240 a very, very big topic when it comes to you 397 00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:19.359 and when it comes to learning things. Understand that perfectionism 398 00:28:19.519 --> 00:28:23.640 isn't a badge of honor. It's often a person disguised 399 00:28:23.880 --> 00:28:30.039 as success and is in this own personal prison. Don't 400 00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:33.880 go there. You don't have to earn love or respect 401 00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:38.440