Speaker 1: All right, y'all.
Speaker 2: Hey, come on, this is Dark Abuse No More with
your host doctor evangelist.
Speaker 3: Hey are rich help you.
Speaker 2: To admit what you feel in order genial from the
effects of narcissistic abuse because your fillies do matter. Hi,
y'all doing out there on this Monday, February the ninth
of twenty twenty six.
Speaker 4: I pray that you have had a blessed stress free,
narcissistic free, abuse free weeks so far, and that the
remainder of this week will continue to be so as well.
But if not, we're gonna be talking about.
Speaker 3: A few things today again. My name is doctor Ko
Richard Ark Abuse No More. Where we're here to help
you admit what you feel in order to heal from
the effects of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter,
Yes they do. But before we go on with today's podcast,
I would like to invite you to visit us on
our website at www dot rc n A RC Abuse
No More dot net. That's www dot norc NA r
C Abuse No More dot net. And on our website
you can find valuable information we go on narcissism. We're
actually gonna be updating that website and.
Speaker 4: Putting some more things on there to help you on
your road to recovery.
Speaker 3: Just to let you know.
Speaker 4: On every money dy Wednesday Friday, ten am Eastern Standard time,
none am Central.
Speaker 3: Now what are we talking about today?
Speaker 4: We are talking about going no contact or low contact
with the narcissists, going no contact with the narcissists, and
sometimes you are in that position where you have to
say enough is enough. I'm either gonna go low contact
or no contact because being around this person is like
my kryptonite. Okay, we know that if you think about
the series of Superman, the movies or the series different
series they've had.
Speaker 3: Superman was allergic to kryptonite.
Speaker 4: So this green stuff that was from his planet, and
if he got in the presence of kryptonite.
Speaker 3: Then all his powers would just he was not able.
Speaker 4: He would not be able to use them effectively because
he was around this kryptonite which was damaging to him.
And so therefore Superman was not able to be around
any kryptonite. He would actually have to which he drew
his power from the Sun, and so he will actually
have to go to the Sun in order to be
restored because his kryptonite, that kryptonite actually damaged him. And
so it's the same way when you're dealing with narcissists,
they're like your kryptonite, okay, they it could be destabilizing, dehabilitating.
They put you in the mindset where you're not able
to be your best. And when someone is taking away
your peace, regardless of who they are, if they're taking
away your peace, then you might have to make some
other changes, some other decisions. So we don't talk about
you know, when if it's time or when or do
you think it's time to go no contact?
Speaker 3: When should you go no contact?
Speaker 4: If this is you A part of going on time
contact with the narcissists is its challenging.
Speaker 3: It's challenging.
Speaker 4: You're trying to escape the abuse, and by cutting off
all communication. So when you're going absolutely no contact, that
means you're not taking any phone calls, you're not checking
their social media status, you're actually gonna probably block them
on social media. You avoid in person contact with the
individual in order to stop that emotional manipulation, devaluation, the
constant verbal abuse, the psychological abuse, whatever type of abuse
you're dealing with. You stop being their sense of supply
and therefore you you unplug yourself from them, and that
means you're going totally no contact with this person. Now,
some people have to go low contact because they're not able.
Speaker 3: To totally disconnect.
Speaker 4: It might be chill, so you may have made the
step of moving out or filing for divorce or disconnecting
as much as you can from the person. But if
you have children, it's harder to go totally no contact,
so you might have to modify to go low contact.
You might be in the family where you know certain
individuals you're okay with, but then others you're not. So
you go low or no contact with certain individuals and
a family until it's absolutely necessary to have to be
around them. And even then you have an arm's length
because you have to protect your peace. So what to expect.
What challenges do you face when you're going no contact. Basically,
it's the it's the initial reaction with this and this
is coming from common ego we're talking about for these
challenges that you might be dealing with with going no contact.
Narcissists they they believe that you're eventually gonna return to them.
They they they they have this hope and they expect
it's not that they're gonna treat you better. It's not
that they're gonna make a change, but their their reaction
is is actually to ignore the that you've gone no
contact or have broken off the relationship, believing that you're
gonna come back, that you're gonna return, and so therefore
they sometime we're in disbelief that you've even left the situation,
because if you're the person that normally returns and you don't,
then they're, you know, kind of bewildered as to, uh, well,
what's going on that you have finally said I've had enough,
I'm not gonna accept the abuse anymore. Another thing that
you might expect, or some challenges that you might have
is hoovering. They like to manipulate you into getting back
to that relationship. So you might be one of the
ones that, for example, if you were dealing with physical
abuse and that person beats you to a pulpe and
then you decide to leave, and then they come back
sending you flowers or chocolates, or or trying to be
super nice, or or using mutual friends to try to
send monkey They send monkeys, but actually actually the flying
monkeys there are the flying monkeys that do, the narciss
is bidding, and so they'll use people that you all
are mutually acquainted with in order to even send you
messages and things pretending that they're sorry. And it's a
form of manipulation to try to get you sucked back
in like a hoof for a hoover vacuum. That's what
it's called hoovering, to suck you back in so that
they can start the abuse all over again. Another thing,
when you're dealing with no one would take spect when
you go no contact or low contact narcissistic injury n
narcissistic injury. This means that when you cut them off,
then you're actually injuring their ego, and so they can
become angry or violent or do other things to try
to again get you back into their graces to regain
your attention because you have cut them off. Because at
the end of the day, the narcissists is all about
power and control, and so therefore they don't want to
lose power. They don't want to lose control, and so
therefore they when you cut them off, then in their
mind to their ego, you've given them an injury.
Speaker 3: Another thing is the silent phase.
Speaker 4: You might feel grief or guilt because society says that
you are supposed to be in relationship with this individual.
Speaker 3: What do I mean by that?
Speaker 4: It could be a family member that you decide to
go no contact with, and so society says that you're
supposed to get along with your family men.
Speaker 3: Normally you do.
Speaker 4: But the thing is is that when you're dealing with
a toxic individual, a narcissistic individual, an abusive situation that
you're in with this individual, then.
Speaker 3: You have to decide is this healthy for me?
Speaker 4: And even though you may love that person, the thing
is is that in order to have your peace of mind,
you may have to say, you know what I have
to do what I have to do in order to
maintain my piece. And so therefore you might be in
that silent phase where you're saying, I can't be around
this person or the narcissists might be the silent treat
me because you cut them off as well.
Speaker 3: But hey, who cares if as.
Speaker 4: Long as you're having your peace When you go in
no contact, that means that when you're and this is
quite different from low contact, no contact means that I'm
not giving them any type of response rather positive or negative,
because if you are, then that's giving them still power
over you. So when you're going no contact, that means
that I could cure less what they do. They can
be in the middle of the yard in their birthday
suit and you would not care. Okay, So as long
as it's not affecting your peace.
Speaker 3: Now, when you go.
Speaker 4: Low contact, that means that I'm a I'm limiting to
my contact with them, for it has to be professional,
or it has to be just the bare minimum because
I have to maybe for the sake of the kids,
for example, and so therefore I'm dropping them off.
Speaker 3: Or we have a common.
Speaker 4: Meeting place where we change you know, kids, the kids
and everything, swap swap them out for the weekend or whatever.
And my only contact with you is just that particular interaction.
So it's very modified, very limited when you're going low contact. Okay,
So we're gonna talk about some more about how to
implement going no contact now, but we're gonna take a
quick break and we'll be back in just a moment.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm.
Speaker 5: Before I knew your name, God already wrote a story.
Speaker 1: Two hearts learning grades.
Speaker 6: Wading on this glory, I wasn't walking.
Speaker 7: In the question, You were praying, and Heaven whispered softly.
Speaker 1: Soon I join you the heart.
Speaker 8: Every season the reason accurancy, But the moment I found.
Speaker 1: You, it all made.
Speaker 9: Says to me, two souls for one perse altogether By's hand,
working near his promise, trust the nearest, perfect plan.
Speaker 1: Through the high and heard him. He kept leading me.
Two souls, one purse made for world.
Speaker 10: God called us too.
Speaker 8: All the lessons are the way, shape the way we
love today.
Speaker 3: And he refines through the footy.
Speaker 1: Now we love in Christ.
Speaker 3: Ready, O, you're the answer to a prayer.
Speaker 9: Then never knew how to pray, but God knew my
heart's desire, and.
Speaker 1: He brought you anywhere. Everything every son said was preparing
me for this.
Speaker 11: Now sees Spain the Prince never are rexist.
Speaker 1: Two souls, one purpose, got together by head dude.
Speaker 11: Brocking mens bronch, trusting gains paper, playing.
Speaker 1: The hyes, and the leading me m hm.
Speaker 5: And before I'm doing name, God already wrote a story.
Two hot learning graves weeding.
Speaker 10: On his glory.
Speaker 7: I was walking in the choir, you were praying in
the dark. In heaven whispered softly. Soon I'll join.
Speaker 1: The heart, every stand, every seas and hatteries and occun see.
Speaker 10: But the mom and I found you. It all made
sense to me.
Speaker 1: Two souls, one.
Speaker 7: Purse, held together by his head, walking in his promise,
trusting his.
Speaker 1: Perfect plan through the highes and her.
Speaker 10: He kept leading me. Two souls, one perse before work, God,
come us to.
Speaker 5: All the lessons, all the way he waited, shape the
way we love today He refine us through the fire.
Speaker 1: Now we love in Christmas.
Speaker 9: You're the astute, afraid that I never knew how to praise.
But come you, my host decide and he brought you
in anyway. Let me cheer very signs said.
Speaker 1: Mis prepareing meets now sees being to prince in never mind.
We two souls, one perse health again, boy's hand can
walking instants in interesting, he sperfect playing war on the
high sa.
Speaker 10: Me.
Speaker 1: Two souls, one pers maple. The God calls us to
and not perfect dis means indeed come up.
Speaker 11: To every call, not strong, and he's a stranger every
time we start to fall, so as a loud past boot.
Speaker 1: Then lady child, that's the pervy side. Two songs, one
persons forever.
Speaker 5: Standing in its graces every way side trust in a word,
we can get trace the.
Speaker 1: Hand in hand we rased again shows thank God chose you.
Speaker 3: Two souls, one purpose. All right.
Speaker 4: I don't know why it started over again, but anyway,
that is a beautiful song.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 4: All right, So we're talking about going no contact with
the narcissist. So how do you implement going no contact
with the narcissist? If that's what you decide to do,
that's gonna work for you.
Speaker 3: How do you do that?
Speaker 11: Well?
Speaker 4: Number one, you block everything. You blocked phone, numbers, emails,
all social profiles. You gotta create you a new one.
Speaker 3: Then do that.
Speaker 4: You gotta watch who you invite to your page because
y'all got some friends in common or whatever.
Speaker 10: Do that.
Speaker 4: You gotta block everything, So you act like you blocking
a bill collector, block their number, block their email.
Speaker 5: All right.
Speaker 3: So you're saying saying I am done, okay. Number two,
do not respond. That means that any attempts to message you,
letter you, snail mail you, whatever.
Speaker 4: Apologies and all that you don't want to engage because
you don't want to reinforce the behavior.
Speaker 3: That means I'm not gonna read the text messages. I'm
gonna block them. Immediately. I'm not gonna read anything on
my social media that they send to me. I'm gonna
block it immediately.
Speaker 4: If someone come and say, oh, well he no, oh
she got no, I don't want to hear nothing. And
if you have to dismiss some people because they don't
want to respect your boundaries, then you have to do
that too.
Speaker 3: Number three, remove any flying monkeys, and that's what we're
talking about. Limit communication with those who are actively spying
on or spying for the narcissists, or who acts like
messages to go back and report things to the narcissists. Okay,
so limit the communication with those who.
Speaker 4: Are gonna keep you still tied in with that narcissist,
and that means those flying monkeys. Number four secure your
physical space. That means that sometimes when people leave an
abusive relationship and that person is really.
Speaker 3: That narcissists is not wanting to let go, then you
very much.
Speaker 4: That's why we always say leave as safely as possible.
Let those who you can trust know, hey, your routine
or are your job, or to check in on you,
or if they haven't heard from you in a while.
Speaker 3: Keep a backup phone just in case something happens.
Speaker 4: Watch your surroundings, especially at night, but even in the daytime,
because folks get in bold they do stuff in the
daytime too.
Speaker 3: Make sure you have security cameras.
Speaker 4: On your property, your door, your apartment, make sure it's
very much sealed where someone can't just kick it down
or whatever. If that includes if you need to put reinforcements.
And this is not being paranoid. If you got people
out here that are killing folks, if some kill you
just because you don't want to be with them, so
protect yourself.
Speaker 3: Seek support.
Speaker 4: That means that when you're trying to implement no contact,
you might need to talk to a counselor or therapist.
You might need to talk to someone and maybe join
a social group to help you maintain those boundaries. Someone
that's gonna help you emotionally, to uplift your spirits. Be
around people who are going to support you.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 4: You don't want to get into another abusive situation now.
If you have children and you're forced to interact with
this person, or you're on a workplace, you.
Speaker 3: Can do.
Speaker 4: Basically, Gray Rock, And what that means is, I have
this mindset, I'm neither here nor there with that person.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna engage.
Speaker 4: I'm just dealing with you only because I have to,
and I'm limiting everything I say, so I'm just gonna
be like a rock. I'm not gonna show any emotion
or anything with regards to this individual. If you all
have a mutual place where you meet to trade the
kids off, then you just do that and get back
in your car. Don't if you're saying that I don't
want to deal with them, only if there's an emergency
about the kids.
Speaker 3: And the thing is, if you're with the.
Speaker 4: Kids and you know your kids are safe, and they
call and they because they'll use the kids to try
to do that as well, So be mindful of that
as well.
Speaker 3: And this is where talking to a counselor can help you. Also.
Speaker 4: All right, we're gonna take another quick break and we'll
be back in just a moment.
Speaker 6: I was walking with questions in my chest, trying to
know that I made up mass pray for peace, didn't
know her name, didn't know you were.
Speaker 12: Arranging every frame, how I was learning patience the hard way.
Then your press lord, letting me change. Then you use
that to quietly turned my broken hope. Then asserting tea.
I was asking you for clarity. You were beauty for
a character patiently.
Speaker 1: I was wayed and thinking I.
Speaker 8: Was laid, But Heaven was already said.
Speaker 1: On the day.
Speaker 3: She wasn't run, she wasn't vouched.
Speaker 1: She was writtenly and vouched. I didn't chase.
Speaker 3: I didn't please your promise found me.
Speaker 1: Found me all mind. After all I tried to choose.
Speaker 10: You gave me love.
Speaker 3: I did lose.
Speaker 13: Dy say, lets just say the dream he surpromised that
time did. Yeah, she loves you more and she loves me.
That's the kind of love that sets me free. When
the stars rise, we don't run. We prayed it to
the battles one. She sees my lost, seize the compremus me.
I'm not dingish that all t every word she speaks
his grave.
Speaker 12: I see a friend of trance in her face.
Speaker 10: Oh well, it's the thing up, just timing and Chase.
I know it's.
Speaker 1: Obedience and trust in your players. I was busy trying
to make your twit.
Speaker 3: You were teaching me he will love his word.
Speaker 1: It wasn't read.
Speaker 10: He wasn't for she was ready in your home.
Speaker 1: I didn't Chase, I didn't pleak your.
Speaker 10: Promise found me, found me all mind, found me on.
Speaker 1: My daughter all and tried.
Speaker 10: You gave me.
Speaker 1: And I did lo.
Speaker 8: This saying it out.
Speaker 1: This ain't a dream.
Speaker 10: It's so I'm standfaum me.
Speaker 3: Not just the once old line for someone who helps
me be da man.
Speaker 8: We don't just talk a buff forever?
Speaker 1: Could we pray it to build it walking together? If
you never gave me anything else, I still be Riching
me is kind of help.
Speaker 13: Oh, this is love to fade.
Speaker 8: It around me because it came straight from.
Speaker 1: Heaven to find me.
Speaker 8: She wasn't rushed, she wasn't forced, she was written the wood.
I didn't chase, I didn't please. Your primis fool me,
found me a money.
Speaker 10: Us. I try to choose him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, still away, still be understand count.
Speaker 3: A promise that found me?
Speaker 10: All right?
Speaker 4: All right, So we're talking about going no contact with
a narcissist, and and the thing is is that many
people will say that once they did that, they had
so much peace, so much peace. You weren't dealing with
the constant drama, put downs, negativity, mental abuse, verbal abuse,
physical abuse.
Speaker 3: All those things. So when you one of the things,
when you're trying to get that inner piece.
Speaker 4: You have to actively set boundaries, and one of those
boundaries is when you decide to go low and no
contact with the abuser.
Speaker 3: Then it helps you for your inner peace.
Speaker 4: And therefore, one of the things that you can do
and keeping with that peace is minimally exposing yourself to negativity.
That means that you want to not be around negative people,
negative influences, negative words. All right, so prioritize your peace
by first of all, you want to make sure you
have peace with God. Okay, we know that He gives
us the peace that surpassive understanding, and no one can
give us peace like the Lord. And I just want
to let you know that you can find peace in God.
Even when you go no contact with the narcissists, you
can find you can find that peace in God and
psalms for this first one.
Speaker 3: It lets us know that God is our refuge and
he is our strength. Okay, So you can find refuge
and peace in God.
Speaker 4: Now, one of the things that when you're trying to
find is peace is setting boundaries.
Speaker 3: Setting boundaries.
Speaker 4: That means that your nobody know as the Bible says,
and your yesbs protect your energy by saying no.
Speaker 3: Learn to say no. Another thing is prayer.
Speaker 4: Calm your mind and focus on the future, not the past,
the future, allow yourself to be at peace with God.
Another thing that is so important is let go of control.
That means that those things that I cannot control, let
go of it. You cannot control the narcissists. Okay, you
cannot control the narcissists. And I wanna speaking of wish,
I wanna read this Serendty prayer if I can find it,
because this is something that when you're going low contact
or no contact, this will help you when it comes
to accepting things. It says, God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change
the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference living one day at a time, enjoing one moment
at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Speaker 3: And what this means when you.
Speaker 4: Break this down, grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change. That means God, give me peace
to know that I can't control every situation. I can't
control the individual. I can't make people change.
Speaker 11: You know.
Speaker 3: That's why the next line it says, courage to change
the things I can.
Speaker 4: I can only change things about me. I can't change
someone else. So if someone else want to be NARCISSISTICU
use of toxic, then let them do it. But you
can only change what you can do, and that's only
within yourself.
Speaker 3: It also goes on to say, and the wisdom to
know the difference.
Speaker 4: Okay, so once we have knowledge, we need the wisdom
of God to know how to utilize that knowledge so
that I can know the difference, know the things I
can change, and know the things that I can't change.
Speaker 3: And the wisdom to know the difference. That means knowing that.
Speaker 4: Hey, I can't change people, but I can change allow
God to change me. Living one day at a time,
you know, one thing Jesus said is don't be anxious
about tomorrow. Let every day take care of itself. That
means living one day at a time. Enjoy one moment
at the time because you don't know if you're going
to be able to have that next moment, So enjoy
one moment at a time. That means have peace as
much as you can get it, and accepting hardship as
the pathway to peace. You know, then lets us know that, hey,
we go through things in life. But guess what, when
we go through things in life, it also helps us
to sit back and analyze and say, Okay, now what
do I need to.
Speaker 3: Do to readjust in order to get the peace that
I need.
Speaker 4: Another thing is when you're going low contact, no contact,
practice forgiveness and gratitude so that you can have that
peace of mind. You know, forgiveness, As we've often said
on this podcast, forgiveness is not saying that you've given
that person a green card to do whatever they were doing.
What it is saying is that I'm gonna let go
and let God. I can't control you, can't I can't
change you. There's nothing I can do to make you
be a non toxic individual. Excelf for pray for you,
But I'm gonna forgive you because if I release the
grudges and the resentment, then I can focus on the positive.
And then, you know, one thing God does, he expects
us to forgive. It's a it's not a choice. It's
a requirement for those of us who believe in God,
because He forgives us. But it doesn't mean that you
have to allow that person to have access to you.
Forgiveness is for you. It's not just for that individual,
but it's for you. Rather they receive it, rather they
do anything with it. Rather they even think that.
Speaker 3: They need forgiveness. Okay, that's fine, don't worry about them.
Forgiveness is for you.
Speaker 4: That means that I got to make sure that my
relationship with God is right and make sure that I'm
at peace, because if I'm holding on the bitterness and
resentment and all that, I'm not gonna grow. I'm not
gonna heal, I'm not gonna thrive. Forgiveness does not mean
that you put a stamp of endorsement on what the
person did to you. It means that I'm just gonna
let go let God because I have more in myself
that God is doing me that I don't have time
to hold on to any baggages.
Speaker 3: Last, but not least, self talk positive talk. When you talk, speak.
Speaker 4: Life into yourself, speak life into yourself.
Speaker 3: The you know the word of God. Lets us know
that the tongue is powerful.
Speaker 4: Okay, power of you know when you when you speaking
death into yourself, then you're gonna be You expect not
to be able to have anything positive but one thing
when Proverbs chapter eighteen verse twenty one, it says death
and life are in the power of the tongue, and
they that love it eat the fruit or up.
Speaker 3: That means that if I'm speaking life to myself, then
I'm gonna thrive.
Speaker 4: If I'm speaking death over myself, well I'm never gonna
mount to this.
Speaker 3: I'm never gonna mount to that. I'm not gonna do
I'm too old, too young, too fat, too short. If
you're speaking all these negative things, then that's what you're
gonna take on. That's what's going to become you. So
as David had to do.
Speaker 4: In the words, it lets us know that David had
to speak speak life over himself. He has speak a
word to himself. Encourage yourself. He had to encourage himself,
and we have to encourage ourselves. And the thing is
is that when you are dealing with narcissists, they're constantly
speaking death, constantly having the death of the emotional of
death over you.
Speaker 3: You're never doing anything right.
Speaker 4: You're never good enough, you're not this, you're not that,
you should be this, you should be that, never always
setting the bar higher, but it's something that you will
never be able to meet.
Speaker 3: So when you go on low contact and no contact.
Speaker 4: Just remember you're the one that have to establish your
boundaries and you're the one that's in control of having
that peace, and it first begins with God.
Speaker 3: All Right, we're up out of here. I pray to
today's podcast has been a blessing to you and that
you would know your feelings do matter. This is doctor
k are Rich would not abuse. No more untail next time.