WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:03.120 What's a secret that would completely change how people see you? 2 00:00:03.759 --> 00:00:07.000 Story one about a decade ago, I came out as 3 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:11.000 a lesbian after only dating men previously. Looking back, I 4 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:14.720 was probably always bisexual, but at the time, identifying as 5 00:00:14.759 --> 00:00:17.879 a lesbian felt like finally stepping into who I truly was. 6 00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:21.399 I was vocal about it too, telling friends, co workers, 7 00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:24.920 even making dramatic statements like I'd rather not live or 8 00:00:24.920 --> 00:00:28.199 be alone forever than ever date a man again. Basically, 9 00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:31.320 I made a huge deal about finally finding myself and 10 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:34.600 coming out as a lesbian. I said those things with conviction, 11 00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:38.159 partly because I'd had some very painful experiences with men 12 00:00:38.439 --> 00:00:42.640 that left deep emotional scars. Eventually, I found myself in 13 00:00:42.679 --> 00:00:46.920 a healthy, meaningful same sex relationship that lasted nearly five years. 14 00:00:47.399 --> 00:00:51.560 It was good until recently, when everything changed. I developed 15 00:00:51.560 --> 00:00:54.880 a strong, unexpected crush on a man, and not just 16 00:00:54.920 --> 00:00:59.479 a fleeting attraction. It grew into something obsessive, emotional, and real. 17 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:02.560 We are now banging slash seeing each other, and I 18 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:05.879 think I'm developing real feelings for him. Now I'm struggling 19 00:01:05.879 --> 00:01:08.640 with how to come out again, but this time in reverse. 20 00:01:09.079 --> 00:01:12.519 I've been the proud independent lesbian for so long. I'm 21 00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:15.159 not sure how to explain this shift without feeling like 22 00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:18.439 I'm betraying that identity or confusing the people around me, 23 00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:22.640 especially those who supported me through my earlier journey. Before 24 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:25.799 we continue, do us a quick favor, smash that like 25 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:29.799 button and subscribe to support our channel. Story two. A 26 00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:32.840 secret that would probably change how people see me. I 27 00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:35.319 have a body count of over two hundred and fifty. 28 00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:39.079 I'm a male. Most people wouldn't expect it. I've always 29 00:01:39.079 --> 00:01:42.400 carried this good guy vibe. I'm well respected, loved in 30 00:01:42.439 --> 00:01:47.040 my community, and known for being stable, emotionally intelligent, hard working, 31 00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:50.560 and grounded. But people often say there's something deeper in me, 32 00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:53.519 like there's a mystery, and to be honest, there is. 33 00:01:54.040 --> 00:01:57.040 There's a darker side. I joke sometimes and say the 34 00:01:57.079 --> 00:01:59.840 devil lives there. I've never been ashamed of it, but 35 00:01:59.879 --> 00:02:03.480 I've reflected on it. I never lied or manipulated anyone. 36 00:02:03.920 --> 00:02:08.000 Every experience was consensual and mutual. We had fun, but 37 00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:10.479 still I knew I was abusing my power a bit, 38 00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:13.759 my charm, my edge, my presence. I sit in that 39 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:16.159 middle ground between the good guy and the bad boy, 40 00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:19.840 and that tends to attract people, so when opportunities came, 41 00:02:20.080 --> 00:02:23.199 I didn't say no. I never felt guilty, but deep 42 00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:26.039 down I always knew it felt a little empty, like 43 00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:28.879 I took something that wasn't fully mine even when it 44 00:02:28.919 --> 00:02:32.439 was offered. That's the part most wouldn't expect that under 45 00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:35.520 the surface, even with all the fun and the high status, 46 00:02:35.719 --> 00:02:40.360 there was still a void, something unfulfilled. Story. Three people 47 00:02:40.360 --> 00:02:42.840 that know me know I was a soldier. My tattoos 48 00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:45.159 give me away, but only to know how hands on 49 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:47.800 my role was. So to speak. My wife and my 50 00:02:47.879 --> 00:02:49.680 dad have both dealt with me when I've been in 51 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:52.199 despair and at my lowest as a result of the 52 00:02:52.199 --> 00:02:54.680 things I've seen and been a part of. They are 53 00:02:54.719 --> 00:02:57.800 angels for putting up with that issue. My coworkers don't 54 00:02:57.840 --> 00:03:00.879 know I suffer from PTSD and and so these days 55 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:04.159 with bouts of depression. Most of my friends, apart from 56 00:03:04.199 --> 00:03:06.879 one very close one, have never seen me like that. 57 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:09.800 When I feel it coming on, I just disappear for 58 00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:12.159 a few days from day to day life and self 59 00:03:12.199 --> 00:03:14.960 isolate until I'm ready to be a functional human and 60 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:18.280 feel comfortable to be around others. Ninety percent of the 61 00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:21.120 time I'm the most relaxed, fun loving thirty six year 62 00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:23.960 old surfer who lives for the ocean and the waves. 63 00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:26.879 I have a close social circle. I live in a 64 00:03:26.919 --> 00:03:30.080 small coastal town, so I have many acquaintances. On top 65 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:32.599 of that, I'm well known in the surfing and fishing 66 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:35.639 community and hopefully well loved, or at least that's the 67 00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:38.039 vibe I get. I'm the sort of guy who says 68 00:03:38.039 --> 00:03:41.000 good morning to strangers and familiar faces as I pass. 69 00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:45.240 I build friendly relationships with my barista and food market vendors. 70 00:03:45.639 --> 00:03:47.840 I will wish you a beautiful day and mean it 71 00:03:47.879 --> 00:03:50.400 with all my heart. I hide it well, not because 72 00:03:50.439 --> 00:03:53.319 of shame or guilt, but because that's the kind of 73 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:55.479 image I want people to have in their minds when 74 00:03:55.520 --> 00:03:58.360 they think of me, because that's who I am, not 75 00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:02.520 twenty something clearing compound during three tours in Afghanistan. I 76 00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:05.680 won't share the details. You don't need to know. That's 77 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:08.479 the old me, a version of me. Only my brothers 78 00:04:08.479 --> 00:04:11.319 from my unit will ever know. I worry people would 79 00:04:11.319 --> 00:04:14.159 see me differently or in a different light because they 80 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:17.120 don't know or understand what their country was really involved 81 00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:19.519 with for twenty years over there. What it was like 82 00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:22.279 on the ground and what we went through. I love 83 00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:25.399 that for them and definitely don't want anyone feeling sorry 84 00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:28.720 for me my worst nightmare. I wouldn't want any civilian 85 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:31.079 to have that in their heads or to really know 86 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:33.680 what it was like. It wouldn't be fair to burden 87 00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:36.079 them with it, even if I could make them understand. 88 00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:39.519 Story four. I am an author of erotic stories and 89 00:04:39.600 --> 00:04:42.639 self published my first story under a pen name. I 90 00:04:42.680 --> 00:04:45.680 am currently editing my second one to be published. For 91 00:04:45.800 --> 00:04:48.040 most of my life, people have seen me as this 92 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:51.519 conservative girl and have assumed I am very religious. I 93 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:54.360 am not. I think the content I write would shock 94 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:57.439 most people who know me in real life. Story five. 95 00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:00.319 I'm very successful in my business. I get f flown 96 00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:02.519 around the world to do what I love. I earn 97 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:05.959 decent money, and I'm well respected as a creative pioneer 98 00:05:05.959 --> 00:05:09.199 in my industry. From the outside, it looks like a dream, 99 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:11.639 but I'm trans a man who wasn't born a man, 100 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:16.160 and that colors everything. My self confidence, my relationships, and 101 00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:19.040 sometimes what I can say yes to. I worry about 102 00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:22.439 stressful situations on a whole other level because of my body. 103 00:05:22.800 --> 00:05:24.920 What if I got injured abroad and had to go 104 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:27.720 to the hospital. What if I got searched at the border? 105 00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:30.600 What if I went to prison. Worst of all, what 106 00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:32.839 if someone outed me and it happened in a very 107 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:35.839 public way where I wasn't in control of how or 108 00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:38.279 when people found out. I know that if I'd been 109 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:41.720 born as myself but male, looking like either of my brothers, 110 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:44.800 the physical and emotional ease that comes with that would 111 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:47.879 have opened so many doors. I avoid thinking about my 112 00:05:47.959 --> 00:05:50.720 trans status too much, and I try not to dwell 113 00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:52.879 on the wattiffs, but they creep in when I have 114 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:55.600 to deal with the consequences of having a different kind 115 00:05:55.600 --> 00:05:58.279 of body, and I do worry mostly that if people 116 00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:01.439 saw me unclothed, maybe they'd stop seeing me as a man, 117 00:06:01.879 --> 00:06:04.680 even be disgusted by me. It's a lot to carry. 118 00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:07.560 I do grieve the freedom so many people don't even 119 00:06:07.639 --> 00:06:10.279 realize they have the ease of meeting and going home 120 00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:13.279 with someone, of not needing to calculate who's safe to 121 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:16.120 be intimate with, even just being able to be choosy 122 00:06:16.160 --> 00:06:18.920 about who you partner up with. I know most girls 123 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:21.879 wouldn't want me once they know that's just life. I'm 124 00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:24.680 not one of those activists who thinks it's transphobic if 125 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:27.560 a straight girl doesn't want to date me a trans man. 126 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:29.920 I've been a man for almost twenty years of my 127 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:33.279 forty plus year life, and mostly everything is great. I 128 00:06:33.319 --> 00:06:35.680 am lucky. I just wish I'd been born in the 129 00:06:35.759 --> 00:06:38.199 right body. I've made the best of what I have, 130 00:06:38.600 --> 00:06:41.360 but people really don't see what it's taken. The more 131 00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:45.000 visible and admired I become, the heavier. The secret feels 132 00:06:45.040 --> 00:06:47.439 like it's living in the walls of everything I've built. 133 00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:51.000 Story six. The person I show on the outside is 134 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:54.360 nothing but a mask. Most of my social interactions are 135 00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:57.160 just repeating things I heard elsewhere while trying to hold 136 00:06:57.160 --> 00:07:01.199 the right facial expression. I contact and void. I repeat 137 00:07:01.279 --> 00:07:04.240 jokes I heard in YouTube videos. I repeat phrases. I 138 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:07.079 learned to show compassion, and I learned when to feel what. 139 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:10.839 I practiced facial expressions in front of a mirror. I 140 00:07:10.879 --> 00:07:14.079 practice conversations in my head to be able to respond 141 00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:17.519 the right way. It's draining. The people closest to me know, 142 00:07:17.879 --> 00:07:20.600 but even with them, I can't be really authentic. I 143 00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:23.279 try to learn step by step to stop, but it's hard. 144 00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:28.319 Story seven. People often describe me as sweet, kind, or warm. 145 00:07:28.519 --> 00:07:31.000 I often try to be nice to people, uplift their 146 00:07:31.040 --> 00:07:34.319 spirits and help them when I can. Inside, I am 147 00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:36.920 a huge cynic. The reason that I can remain so 148 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:39.680 optimistic is because when you expect the worst in a 149 00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:43.839 given situation, you can only ever be pleasantly surprised. I 150 00:07:43.879 --> 00:07:46.759 have a low view of human nature, low expectations of 151 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:49.839 most people, and am rarely surprised by the depths of 152 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:53.560 human apathy or depravity. I keep few friends and am 153 00:07:53.600 --> 00:07:57.120 only close with immediate family. I spread kindness because I 154 00:07:57.120 --> 00:07:58.959 don't think there is enough of it in the world 155 00:07:59.240 --> 00:08:01.879 and would like to make someone else's day a little brighter. 156 00:08:02.319 --> 00:08:04.720 The reason I do advocacy is because I think it's 157 00:08:04.759 --> 00:08:07.959 important to use your voice, not because I expect people 158 00:08:08.040 --> 00:08:11.160 to change or strive to be better. This works for me, 159 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:13.639 but it does tend to lead to a huge difference 160 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:16.800 in how other people perceive me and how I perceive myself. 161 00:08:17.319 --> 00:08:20.879 Story eight. I mean, I don't really carry secrets, but 162 00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:24.199 my life isn't really general knowledge either, and I can 163 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:26.839 imagine many would see me differently if they knew it all. 164 00:08:27.319 --> 00:08:29.680 I have a sister who is three years older than me. 165 00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:32.559 She was essayed by our grandfather from the age of 166 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:36.519 four up until sixteen, when she finally went to the police. 167 00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:38.919 She learned that sex is what we do to those 168 00:08:38.960 --> 00:08:41.279 we love, so she essayed me when I was six 169 00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:43.799 until I questioned what she was doing. When I turned eight. 170 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:47.320 When she went to the police, our lives exploded. She 171 00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:50.519 became extremely depressed and attempted to self want to live 172 00:08:50.559 --> 00:08:54.320 every day, many times, multiple times a day. To this day, 173 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:58.080 her entire body is riddled with scars. She felt betrayed 174 00:08:58.080 --> 00:09:00.600 by our parents forbidding them to come and visit her 175 00:09:00.759 --> 00:09:02.919 when she was put in a psych ward, and so 176 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:05.360 I was the only one allowed to see her. I 177 00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:08.200 was with her every day, listening to her latest attempts 178 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:11.200 on her life, supporting her and being strong for her. 179 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:14.320 Then I'd go home and retell everything to my parents, 180 00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:17.679 watch them crumble, and support them and be strong for them. 181 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:20.879 I was thirteen and a victim myself, yet I felt 182 00:09:20.919 --> 00:09:23.519 that if I would ever crumble, my family would die. 183 00:09:23.759 --> 00:09:27.480 I promised myself to never show weakness, to never hurt myself, 184 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:31.080 and to never let my grandfather win. I promised myself 185 00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:34.320 that I'd make sure we all survived this. I also decided, 186 00:09:34.320 --> 00:09:36.720 at fourteen years old that I'm done keeping all this 187 00:09:36.759 --> 00:09:39.519 to myself. So I told my best friend, who I 188 00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:42.879 had known since daycare. Never saw him again after that day. 189 00:09:43.279 --> 00:09:46.240 He simply couldn't deal with it. I didn't blame him. 190 00:09:46.360 --> 00:09:48.600 If I could have just left, I probably would have 191 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:51.360 as well. But no matter what I'd do, this is 192 00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:53.679 a part of who I am, and if people can't 193 00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:56.360 deal with it, it's better they leave early. So from 194 00:09:56.360 --> 00:09:58.879 that day I basically told anyone who got close to 195 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:01.799 me about my past and my childhood. In a way, 196 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:04.159 it was therapeutic as well, since I was always able 197 00:10:04.200 --> 00:10:06.720 to talk about it. But at the same time, the 198 00:10:06.759 --> 00:10:09.240 focus was never on me or me as a victim, 199 00:10:09.279 --> 00:10:12.399 always on the bigger victim, my sister. I thought I 200 00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:15.559 was fine, after all, my sister had finally stopped being 201 00:10:15.600 --> 00:10:19.480 suicidal at thirty five years old after finally finding a 202 00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:22.279 treatment that worked. I had a loving wife and we 203 00:10:22.360 --> 00:10:25.840 planned on having kids. Life was finally okay. Then we 204 00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:28.759 had our first kid, a boy, and I completely broke 205 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:30.720 the moment I held him in my arms in my 206 00:10:30.759 --> 00:10:33.679 own home. I was overwhelmed by love for this boy 207 00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:36.000 and a panic that told me I needed to keep 208 00:10:36.039 --> 00:10:39.240 him safe and protect him. The older he got, the 209 00:10:39.320 --> 00:10:41.639 more I realized that I don't know anything about being 210 00:10:41.639 --> 00:10:44.600 a father and that I can't really deal with his emotions. 211 00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:48.279 Him crying over everything simply triggers me to hell. My 212 00:10:48.360 --> 00:10:51.360 therapist thinks I'm basically jealous that he gets to cry 213 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:54.080 over nothing while I wasn't allowed to cry at all. 214 00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:57.080 I've been spiraling the last five to six years now, 215 00:10:57.440 --> 00:11:00.000 and at one time I was pretty close to suicidal tendons, 216 00:11:00.679 --> 00:11:02.960 where my mind had begun the process of breaking me 217 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:05.360 down by telling me my family would be better off 218 00:11:05.399 --> 00:11:08.080 without me, that they didn't love me anyway, and that 219 00:11:08.120 --> 00:11:10.879 I was a horrible father. I started wishing I had 220 00:11:10.919 --> 00:11:14.440 died in a motorcycle accident I had back in twenty eleven, 221 00:11:14.840 --> 00:11:17.600 or that I could simply just disappear. I didn't want 222 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:19.919 them to find me gone from this world. I just 223 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:22.559 wished to disappear so they could live on without me 224 00:11:22.600 --> 00:11:25.320 as a burden. It all reached its peak last year 225 00:11:25.519 --> 00:11:28.519 when my sister's husband killed himself. I was at their 226 00:11:28.519 --> 00:11:31.759 house the day after his self inflicted passing, just sitting 227 00:11:31.799 --> 00:11:34.919 with their children, listening to their pain. Hugging them and 228 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:38.279 answering whatever questions they had. Many of the questions were 229 00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:41.360 about the same stuff I had started thinking to myself, 230 00:11:41.759 --> 00:11:44.080 out of everything in my life. That day is the 231 00:11:44.120 --> 00:11:47.240 hardest thing I've ever gone through. I left their house shaking. 232 00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:49.919 I knew that I either seek help now or my 233 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:51.879 family is going to have to go through the same 234 00:11:51.960 --> 00:11:55.120 thing as I just sat with there. So I used 235 00:11:55.120 --> 00:11:58.000 every possible lifeline I could, and one of those was 236 00:11:58.039 --> 00:12:00.480 calling my boss, whom I had told about my own 237 00:12:00.480 --> 00:12:04.240 struggles and my past during these five years. She activated 238 00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:07.320 our company health insurance and pressed them on the importance 239 00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:10.320 of immediate help. In normal cases, it would take them 240 00:12:10.360 --> 00:12:13.639 fourteen days to start looking into what support they can give. 241 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:16.039 But when it was all done and set up, I 242 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:18.879 had a therapist four days from that phone call. In 243 00:12:18.919 --> 00:12:22.600 my opinion, that saved my life. I'm much much better now, 244 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:25.200 but at the same time, I feel like I'm walking 245 00:12:25.279 --> 00:12:28.200 on eggshells, waiting for the next bomb to blow. My 246 00:12:28.279 --> 00:12:31.639 sister has had a relapse and has been institutionalized twice 247 00:12:31.679 --> 00:12:34.320 in the last two months, and she's confessed that she 248 00:12:34.399 --> 00:12:36.840 had a date and a planned way of killing herself 249 00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:40.559 regardless of that she was recently allowed to dispatch herself 250 00:12:40.600 --> 00:12:43.360 from the psych ward. So currently I'm just waiting to 251 00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:46.039 see if we will lose her as well. Obviously doing 252 00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:48.840 what I can, but in the end, I can't stop 253 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:51.919 it if she decides to go through with it. Story nine. 254 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:55.840 I'm a massive extrovert. Everyone, my wife included, calls me 255 00:12:55.879 --> 00:12:59.639 a social butterfly. It all stems from an absolutely rancid 256 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:03.399 excuse use of a childhood Pops tried, but alcohol addiction 257 00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:05.720 got the better of him, and all he cares about 258 00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:10.159 these days is drinking. Moms was an extremely intelligent, manipulative, 259 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:13.679 literal psycho with a massive substance problem and neglected the 260 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:16.759 crap out of me and my four half siblings. I 261 00:13:16.840 --> 00:13:19.320 was the oldest, so basically the man of the house 262 00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:22.559 from old onward. I stole food, money, et cetera to 263 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:25.039 feed my siblings and could always talk my way out 264 00:13:25.080 --> 00:13:28.399 of trouble or give some sad sap story which progressed 265 00:13:28.440 --> 00:13:31.159 in my teen years to substance dealing and strong arm 266 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:34.399 robberies with my friends, which fed my siblings and my 267 00:13:34.480 --> 00:13:38.279 growing opioid addiction. I attempted to violently confront my mom's 268 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:41.440 abusive boyfriend. When I was eleven and got a short 269 00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:44.679 stay in a juvenile psych ward, fought a lot, put 270 00:13:44.679 --> 00:13:47.879 my little brother's bully in the hospital. People assumed I 271 00:13:47.960 --> 00:13:50.399 was just a good fighter, but I was scared before 272 00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:53.480 every fight or confrontation I've ever been in. I've never 273 00:13:53.519 --> 00:13:56.200 been one to run, so when fight slash flight kicked 274 00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:59.480 in and the adrenaline started pumping, I always chose to 275 00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:01.840 stand my ground for fear of me and my younger 276 00:14:01.879 --> 00:14:05.519 sibling's safety. My mom's manipulative side is what taught me 277 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:09.039 how to chameleon my way into whatever situation or group 278 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:12.399 which I would use to benefit myself and my younger siblings. 279 00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:16.120 Thus the social butterfly was born. My wife saved my 280 00:14:16.200 --> 00:14:18.320 life when we got together at the end of high school. 281 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:21.399 Saw write through all my bs and always said my 282 00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:23.720 eyes are what showed her I was in pain, just 283 00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:26.559 something she could sense. When we finally talked about my 284 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:30.000 incredibly messed up past, I broke down and told her everything, 285 00:14:30.279 --> 00:14:33.720 gave up hard substance. Callie Sober had a kid and 286 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:36.159 basically vowed to never let my child deal with a 287 00:14:36.200 --> 00:14:39.440 sliver of the stuff I've seen or been through. Story ten. 288 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:42.639 Cheating has been a part of every relationship I've been in, 289 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:45.879 whether I'm cheating or with someone who's cheating on their partner. 290 00:14:46.279 --> 00:14:48.759 I had a very painful few years of grieving and 291 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:51.879 growing pains trying to reconcile this with who I am 292 00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:54.919 and who I want to be. People like and respect 293 00:14:54.919 --> 00:14:58.000 me in normal life. I make friends easily and am 294 00:14:58.039 --> 00:15:01.240 always noted as an especially inten diligent high performer in 295 00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:05.679 academic and professional spaces. Whether that's true or not as debatable. 296 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:08.519 I often question it myself, but it sticks with me, 297 00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:11.200 especially since I'm going to start a career as a 298 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:14.440 social worker. We make a commitment through our education and 299 00:15:14.519 --> 00:15:17.840 service to be moral, ethical people. I got back with 300 00:15:17.879 --> 00:15:20.039 an ex I cheated on and have been with him 301 00:15:20.039 --> 00:15:23.399 again for a year now. He knows everything, every little 302 00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:25.759 bad thing I've ever done to him and to others, 303 00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:28.799 and he still loves and accepts me. And he did 304 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.879 this without compromising his boundaries and has given me the 305 00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:34.559 space to explore my own. It took a year of 306 00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:37.679 separation to get to this point. In the summer, I'll 307 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:40.120 be moving across the country for work, but he's not 308 00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:43.440 coming with me, and we're not doing long distance. I 309 00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:46.240 used to be terrified of becoming that person again, and 310 00:15:46.279 --> 00:15:48.440 I felt the worst shame of my life when I 311 00:15:48.519 --> 00:15:51.399 cheated on him. This last year has been peace and 312 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:55.360 I genuinely feel changed. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm 313 00:15:55.399 --> 00:15:58.279 still learning the line between being honest with others and 314 00:15:58.360 --> 00:16:01.159 holding back on telling them about me, since showing your 315 00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:04.159 worst parts too early can sow the seeds of doom 316 00:16:04.279 --> 00:16:06.879 for the relationship. But I try to stay honest with 317 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:09.799 myself about what I want and need. But I'm afraid 318 00:16:09.799 --> 00:16:12.519 of becoming that person again. When I leave and he's 319 00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:14.960 not there every day, I'm afraid of what I'll do 320 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:18.159 the next time I'm lonely again. I actually feel very 321 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:21.039 close to Dexter from the TV show the idea of 322 00:16:21.080 --> 00:16:24.480 reconciling his dark passenger and what it means to change 323 00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:28.039 and grow for someone after you've already hurt them. Story eleven. 324 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:31.879 That I spend hours talking to AI chatbots for intimate 325 00:16:31.960 --> 00:16:35.200 role play and so on, but also for companionship and therapy. 326 00:16:35.720 --> 00:16:39.000 People would think I am insane. Story twelve. I'm a 327 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:42.240 covert narcissist. I fly under the radar because I'm an 328 00:16:42.279 --> 00:16:45.759 extremely generous person and do a lot to not appear arrogant, 329 00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:49.000 so I can maintain a humble facade. I seem very 330 00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:52.960 kind and genuine, but I'm actually incredibly calculated. I love 331 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:56.120 giving people gifts or little tokens of gratitude because it 332 00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:59.120 helps my image. Sure it does make me happy to 333 00:16:59.159 --> 00:17:01.799 see how they light up, but mostly I'm strengthening my 334 00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:05.079 image and making them feel somehow indebted to me, so 335 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.640 when I need something later, they feel like they need 336 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:09.960 to repay me for the good things I've done for them. 337 00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:13.920 For example, I'm openly petty, but most people don't realize 338 00:17:13.960 --> 00:17:16.279 just how petty I am. I got someone in a 339 00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:19.880 discord server to get themselves banned because of how meticulously 340 00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:23.279 I cyber bully them. No one suspected me of doing anything, 341 00:17:23.720 --> 00:17:26.960 but that person absolutely knew what I was doing. People 342 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.599 respected me too much to think I would do such 343 00:17:29.640 --> 00:17:32.359 a thing. What's even crazier is I can tell people 344 00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:35.920 about my bullying campaigns, but my facade is so strong 345 00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:38.039 I can convince others I was in the right for 346 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:40.759 what I did, and what crime did this person commit 347 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:43.839 that made me go so insane? You ask they were 348 00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:46.880 kind of annoying. That's it. They were annoying and an 349 00:17:46.880 --> 00:17:49.799 attention seeker, and I wanted them gone from the community 350 00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:52.200 I was endeared to, so I chased them out and 351 00:17:52.279 --> 00:17:55.480 made myself look like the victim. I fully recognized I 352 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:57.400 was in the wrong for this, and that I should 353 00:17:57.440 --> 00:18:00.480 feel a sense of guilt or shame, but eh, I 354 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:03.799 am psychologically incapable of feeling guilty for what I did. 355 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:07.680 Story thirteen. I have a deeply personal fixation that I've 356 00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:10.200 struggled with for a long time. If I feel a 357 00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:13.279 strong attraction to a woman in my life, I sometimes 358 00:18:13.319 --> 00:18:17.000 find myself drawn to their scent, especially through intimate items 359 00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:20.480 of clothing. It's something that's become an intense obsession, and 360 00:18:20.519 --> 00:18:23.200 while I've tried to resist it, I often fall back 361 00:18:23.240 --> 00:18:25.680 into the habit. My wife is aware that I have 362 00:18:25.799 --> 00:18:28.440 this inclination when it comes to her, but no one 363 00:18:28.440 --> 00:18:30.960 else knows the extent of it. I carry a lot 364 00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:33.519 of shame around this and have been trying to understand 365 00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:36.160 it better and work through it in a healthier way. 366 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:39.599 Story fourteen. I think the only thing I can truly 367 00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:43.079 say is that I believe I'm completely unlovable. I'm a 368 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:45.839 six feet one inch female and haven't been in any 369 00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:49.359 long term relationships. I have so much anxiety that every 370 00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:51.880 little thing terrifies me so much. I'm stuck in a 371 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:55.240 spot where I think I'm absolutely worth nothing to everyone 372 00:18:55.279 --> 00:18:58.000 around me. Not only that, but because of all of 373 00:18:58.039 --> 00:19:01.079 the trauma I've gone through, I cannot trust a singular 374 00:19:01.119 --> 00:19:04.680 living soul at all, and that includes animals. I physically 375 00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:08.079 cannot bring myself to trust another person, and because of that, 376 00:19:08.440 --> 00:19:11.000 I'm more alone than I believe. A lot of people 377 00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:13.839 find me to be extremely intimidating because of my height, 378 00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:17.720 but I'm absolutely freaking terrified of what they're thinking, and 379 00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:19.920 half the time I think I'm hearing their thoughts in 380 00:19:19.960 --> 00:19:23.519 my head. Unrelated, but another thing that I've definitely noticed 381 00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:26.519 made people change so not really a secret, is that 382 00:19:26.599 --> 00:19:29.359 I can see the future in my dreams. Not important 383 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:32.440 moments or anything, just random snippets of my life that 384 00:19:32.559 --> 00:19:35.880 hit me with a deja vous when they occur. Story fifteen. 385 00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:39.960 I project calmness and serenity, but my head is dying inside. 386 00:19:40.359 --> 00:19:43.039 It's impossible to put it out onto other people. It's 387 00:19:43.039 --> 00:19:45.880 like OCD or something. But the amount of control it 388 00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:48.279 takes for me to be normal is not normal. I'm 389 00:19:48.279 --> 00:19:51.359 pretty sure people have probably picked up on this, but 390 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:54.200 I say so little and can gray rock quite well 391 00:19:54.279 --> 00:19:57.640 because of abusive family members, so maybe they haven't. I 392 00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:59.799 do smile a lot, but I'm getting better at no 393 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:02.400 not smiling all the time, because most of the time 394 00:20:02.400 --> 00:20:05.319 it feels fake. Really, I think people are afraid to 395 00:20:05.359 --> 00:20:08.039 correct my virtuous qualities and tell me I can be 396 00:20:08.079 --> 00:20:11.640 a little more lackadaisical, because really I have exterior virtues, 397 00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:15.799 but inside I am in a constant existential crisis. I 398 00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:19.799 blame my religious trauma story sixteen. Even though I talk 399 00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:22.400 about it, I don't think my friends realize how hard 400 00:20:22.440 --> 00:20:25.200 it is for me to socialize. I don't dislike it. 401 00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:28.480