Speaker 1: Seven.
Speaker 2: Lamb Productions Presents cart You Christmas Special twenty twenty four.
Speaker 3: It was the night before Christmas and the Cop Doctor
were getting ready for a joyous occasion of roasting chestnuts
on an open fire. But they didn't have chestnuts. They
actually just had cashws, which they believed were a decent substitute.
They also didn't have an open fire. They had a
small fireplace they had purchased off of IKEA's website and
built yesterday. Nevertheless, this would be a cozy night and
the Cop Doctor were exact.
Speaker 2: A case just through another log on the fire. These chestnuts,
I mean cashews are really smoking.
Speaker 4: Now you know what I was thinking, besides the fact
that we shouldn't have purchased a fireplace if I can
and put it in our apartment that lacks a chimney, what.
Speaker 1: We really should have invited Nurse Betty and Barbara.
Speaker 4: It's kind of weird sitting by a fireplace, resting cashiers
and drinking warm Agno, it's just being the two of us.
Speaker 2: It does feel a tad queer, but I mean that
is in the old definition of odd.
Speaker 1: I think either definition would work here.
Speaker 3: Case set next two times on the newly pet chested
base skin rug they also purchased from Ikea and put
together no more than two hours ago.
Speaker 1: Hugh comfy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it might be the best thing Ikea makes outside
of this fireplace and horse meatballs.
Speaker 3: Case handed a glass of eggnog to Time, who sipped
it gingerly.
Speaker 2: Hm.
Speaker 1: Good, makes you all warm inside?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just wish it wasn't ninety two degrees outside.
That plus the fire, plus the warm eggnog, I'm fucking sweating.
Speaker 5: Oh you're also wearing a Christmas sweater.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let me just take this off better a little.
Speaker 1: Just then.
Speaker 3: And knock at the door. Time and Case look at
each other, worried about who it could be.
Speaker 1: Uh, you don't think maybe we shouldn't answer.
Speaker 2: What if it's carollers or a friendly neighbor with a
gift or dime?
Speaker 1: Do you really want to chance it?
Speaker 2: I don't think they're going away, whoever they are. What
are the chances? Remember last year barely it was great.
Speaker 1: So let's make this year great as well. Don't answer
the door.
Speaker 2: But they know someone's here. The lights and fire are on.
I'm gonna get the door.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: Time opened the door and a flash of red and
white best by him time spun around in there in
the flesh was the guy they were worried the boat.
Speaker 2: No get out, wait just wait, no no no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 5: Get out. I get it, I really do.
Speaker 2: We know you're not Sanna, even though you're dressed like him.
We don't want to hear your stupid shit. You're not
fooling us again.
Speaker 1: Get out.
Speaker 5: Please let me explain why I'm here.
Speaker 2: We don't want to hear it out.
Speaker 5: Guy, I know I'm not Sad. I understand that I'm
not Santa. I will never ever claim to be Santa
ever again, I promise, But I have to talk to you, guys.
It's urgent.
Speaker 1: I'm in case said.
Speaker 2: Look, you know, last Christmas, while we barely remember it.
Speaker 6: Because it wasn't documented in audio form, was a great Christmas.
Speaker 2: And you know why why? Because you weren't around.
Speaker 5: I deserve that. I've been really unfair to you both.
I've lied countless times.
Speaker 2: I think it was three times. Actually, oh that's not bad.
Speaker 1: Then you've ruined the holidays only three times.
Speaker 2: We don't want you around. You're a druggy, meth head liar,
and we're not falling for anything.
Speaker 5: But I already told you.
Speaker 3: I apologize for everything in the past.
Speaker 1: Why are you here? Because I need your.
Speaker 3: Help with what The man who constantly tended to be
Santa I said, tape from his pocket.
Speaker 1: I have a message here from her, from me.
Speaker 2: On the tape.
Speaker 1: Yeah, where's your tape player? We don't have a tape player.
Speaker 2: Everything's DVDs now now it isn't that's all too well?
Speaker 1: How am I supposed to play this?
Speaker 2: Wait? But it's you on the tape.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's my message message about what the mission?
Speaker 2: What mission?
Speaker 1: The mission?
Speaker 5: I need your help with?
Speaker 1: But you know what it is, right because you recorded
the tape.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and just tell us you're right here.
Speaker 1: I really want to play the tape.
Speaker 2: We don't have a tape player.
Speaker 1: Mine, I'll just use mine.
Speaker 2: Then, Wait, you have one.
Speaker 1: Time I told you not to open the door.
Speaker 3: The fig Santa man pulled a small tape player from
his cargo pants pocket and snapped in the tape. He
placed that tape player on the coffee table and sat
on the couch.
Speaker 1: Are you ready just play the tape?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 1: Shoot, I need to rewind it.
Speaker 2: Are you kidding me? Right now?
Speaker 5: One second?
Speaker 2: This is taking forever?
Speaker 5: Why is it so lah, it's not really just a
lot of dead space necromorphs.
Speaker 1: No silence.
Speaker 5: Oh good, okay, done. Now let's just oh crap, now
I put it in the wrong way. This is ridiculous.
Let me just flip this. Oh and I accidentally fast forwarded,
so let me rewind again. Oh come on, I spend
all this time recording a tape. I'm gonna use this.
Tapes aren't cheap, you know.
Speaker 2: They should be. Well, they aren't because they're antiques.
Speaker 1: No, because of the tariffs. Just hurry up.
Speaker 3: They all waited in awkward silence once again.
Speaker 5: So there's cashews roasting there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we didn't have any chestnuts.
Speaker 5: Ah. You get that fireplace from my keea. Yeah, that
bearskin rug from my ka too.
Speaker 2: Yep?
Speaker 5: Cool? How many pieces did it come in?
Speaker 2: Six? Body head forearms?
Speaker 5: You're lucky we live in America. Otherwise you may not
have a whole rug. Why, because here you have the
right to bear arms.
Speaker 2: Good one case.
Speaker 1: What that was pretty funny?
Speaker 2: Is this tape taking longer to rewind the second time?
Speaker 5: There we go? Ready, Yeah, for God's sake, Okay, keep
your baddies on.
Speaker 7: Jeez, hello, cop doctors, This here is the artist formerly known.
Speaker 5: As Santa Artists, formerly I have an important mission for
you too.
Speaker 7: I need you to join me in a rescue operation.
This is top secret, so do not tell a soul.
The real Center has been kidnapped and is being held
captive by some gangster hooligans.
Speaker 2: Gangster hooligans, this is best part.
Speaker 7: He is being held at a warehouse on the upper
west side of the east side of South Central.
Speaker 1: Where the fuck is that.
Speaker 7: I need you to rescue him and return him to
the North Pole, or at least the airport so he
can buy a ticket to the North Pole.
Speaker 2: What about his reindeer?
Speaker 7: His reindeer have been killed?
Speaker 5: Oh, Susan, shut up? See you missing all the important stuff?
Speaker 2: Okay, sorry, Jesus, shut up.
Speaker 7: If you can help him and me, Christmas will be saved,
and all the kids in the world minus the kids
in countries you don't believe in Santa, will be happy
because they will get the presents they want so badly,
except the bad kids. They don't even get cold this
year because we're going green.
Speaker 1: Is that it?
Speaker 7: No sh This chap will self destructed.
Speaker 2: Seventy Why so long? What? Why so long?
Speaker 5: It's self destructure new years.
Speaker 1: It's festive, got my back, So that's it. Rescue Santa?
Speaker 5: Yes, the real center. Bullshit, No, it's real. Didn't you
hear the tape?
Speaker 1: The tape is you?
Speaker 5: So what come on? We have to go or Christmas
is ruined?
Speaker 3: What do you think case, let's just get this shit
over with. Twenty five minutes later, and they were sitting
in the car outside them all.
Speaker 2: This isn't a warehouse.
Speaker 5: This is a mall. Yes, so here he is.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 5: He's in danger.
Speaker 2: Where over there? That's a mall Santa.
Speaker 1: No, it's not.
Speaker 5: That's the real Santa. And he's a prisoner right now. Look,
those are the gangster hooligans. Those are people dressed as elves.
And what about those guys there? Tell me they're not hooligans.
Speaker 2: They're security and they're closing up the mall.
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, well you guys can sit here if you want.
But I'm going to rescue Santa.
Speaker 1: Keep the car running.
Speaker 5: The car's off, well turn it back on and keep
it running.
Speaker 1: Wait, what are you going to do?
Speaker 5: Rescue him? Do you forget about the tape?
Speaker 2: Jesus Christ?
Speaker 3: Just then fig Santa? PULDI gun whoa hey?
Speaker 1: Put that away.
Speaker 5: What you know what cops and doctors you say it often.
It's getting kind of old. Put the gun away, No,
it's rescue in time.
Speaker 3: The artist formerly known as Santa run towards the danger.
Speaker 2: He's insane.
Speaker 1: Told you not to answer the door.
Speaker 2: Holy shit.
Speaker 5: He shooting at them security shooting back.
Speaker 2: The elks have guns too.
Speaker 1: He just shot Santa, so we're in agreement.
Speaker 2: It's just a malsanna right.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that guy'sn't even wearing the beard.
Speaker 7: Right.
Speaker 2: Oh shit, he's coming back.
Speaker 5: Start the car, go go go. What a rush? That
was fucking dope?
Speaker 1: Are you insane?
Speaker 5: What what happened to rescuing Santa?
Speaker 1: You shot him?
Speaker 5: I had to why because I lied again. His name
was Jim Crampton and he stole mustache your stash, Yeah, dope.
I had a lot of dope and the motherfucker stole
it from me and tried to sell it to Wiggs.
But Wig's his friends with Skeevie Nate, who also knows Omar,
and they told me he's been doing this Shanna gig
on the side. Fucker ain't gonna take my.
Speaker 1: Shit and get away with Look he held up his stick.
Speaker 2: Then why did you ask us to help. You couldn't
you just do all this on your own? Why involve us?
Speaker 5: I needed to get away car.
Speaker 2: Get out of the car. What get out of the
fucking car.
Speaker 5: You're going to make Shanta walk?
Speaker 2: You're not Sanna?
Speaker 5: Well either is Jim Cramton. We did say what Yeah,
but he was impersonating Santa. He's been impersonating him all
Christmas season, dressed up and telling kids he's gonna get
him stuff. Meanwhile, he's been selling dope to low lives
like wigs.
Speaker 1: None of that has any thing to do with anything,
Sure it does.
Speaker 5: You guys hate when someone impersonates Santa. Remember me in
twenty twenty, twenty twenty one, and twenty twenty two.
Speaker 2: Get out of the fucking car.
Speaker 5: Wait, just wait? Can I say one thing?
Speaker 2: Is it going to be a long monologue about the
spirit of Christmas?
Speaker 5: Yeah? Then no, okay? Can I say the other thing? Then?
What if you drive me home? I'll give you twenty
dollars that's enough for a bag of chestnuts.
Speaker 2: Get out of the car.
Speaker 1: Fine cash?
Speaker 5: Who suck?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 5: And by the way, this is what I asked Santa
to get me for Christmas? So he is real that's
not how it works, atheist.
Speaker 1: He's a real piece of shit.
Speaker 2: Case. Do you think there is a Santah, a real
Sannah one that's nice and not a drug et con artist.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Time agnostic. Let's go home so we
can get agnostic. If you catch my draft.
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 3: And with that the cop Docta went back home to
cull up next to the Ikea Faya in a totally
heterosexual way.
Speaker 1: Mary Coop Doctor.
Speaker 2: Cop Doctors written by Robert M. Lamb, edited by Mia Sukville,
starring Jack Austin as justin Case and Robert M. Lamb
as justin Time.
Speaker 6: Co starring Jack Austin as Sanna and Jack Austin as narrator.
Music provided by Kevin McLeod of encompatch dot com and
various artists at confive dot com and artlist dot io.
If you enjoy this podcast, don't forget to rate and
review and visit www dot seven lamb dot com for
more podcasts such as this one. And we want to
thank everyone who donates via PayPal or Patreon. We appreciate
the support. If you'd like to help us out, you
can go to Patreon dot com Slash seven Lamb the
number seven LAMB and you can donate as little as a.
Speaker 2: Dollar a month.
Speaker 6: Special shout out to seven Lamp patrons, Jacob Tolbert, Jordan Spicer, Mcmidnight, mclauson,
Kelly Foles, Carter Jewel, Brad McQuaid, Bradley Williams and Chris Williamson.
From everyone here at seven LAMB.
Speaker 2: Thank you. This has been a seven Lamb production