WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.640 demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty. 4 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:11.560 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 5 00:00:11.720 --> 00:00:14.320 Dr Wendy Walls Show. Heather, were you dancing to that song? 6 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:17.519 I saw Heather Brooker shimmy wake into that song. 7 00:00:19.960 --> 00:00:22.519 That was my That was my stand up and stretch and. 8 00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:27.079 Like work it out a little bit seventh inning stretch. Yes, there, Roll. 9 00:00:27.160 --> 00:00:28.879 You're a Dodger fan or Yankee fan. 10 00:00:29.079 --> 00:00:30.039 No, I'm a Padre fan. 11 00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:32.000 So I want the Yankees to lose because I watched 12 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:35.240 them sweep us in nineteen ninety. Oh, so it's retribution 13 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:37.799 for you. Yes, Hey, what about you because you're New Jersey. 14 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:40.679 Yeah, I don't carry the way about baseball. Oh I know. 15 00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:43.479 I just know that when the Dodgers, when people are 16 00:00:43.479 --> 00:00:45.960 doing fireworks and doing doughnuts in the middle of the 17 00:00:46.039 --> 00:00:47.600 road and traffic gets crazy. 18 00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:49.039 So I just like to stay in the house door 19 00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:49.359 in this sea. 20 00:00:49.759 --> 00:00:51.520 Let me let me tell you what happens to your 21 00:00:51.560 --> 00:00:55.439 husband when his favorite team loses. What happens, Oh, my gosh, 22 00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:58.280 I didn't even know this, So I didn't know male 23 00:00:58.600 --> 00:01:03.960 identity and mood is reels laughing are so closely correlated 24 00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:06.280 with their team, right, I mean, it's a bunch of 25 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:08.439 shirts and they even change the guys all the time. 26 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:11.000 This is a shirt you're cheering for. And so when 27 00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:14.799 the Yankees lost the first night, literally there was a 28 00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:17.560 I don't know what it's called where all the men 29 00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:19.560 are on the bases and then someone hits a ball 30 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:22.159 really far away and then run home. Right, yeah, but 31 00:01:22.200 --> 00:01:25.200 there's like three of them. The bases are there, we 32 00:01:25.239 --> 00:01:25.680 go and. 33 00:01:25.640 --> 00:01:26.959 It's a walk off because they won. 34 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:28.879 So it's a walk off Grand Slam home run. 35 00:01:29.120 --> 00:01:29.799 No idea what that. 36 00:01:29.799 --> 00:01:33.239 Meant, but anyway that that thing was happening, he didn't 37 00:01:33.239 --> 00:01:36.200 even wait until all the men walked around home. He 38 00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:39.400 just turned off the TV. He went straight to the 39 00:01:39.400 --> 00:01:42.799 bathroom started a hot shower, like like he was on 40 00:01:42.840 --> 00:01:45.560 the team in the team showers or something. And I 41 00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:48.319 hear this hot shower going forever, and I'm like, I 42 00:01:48.359 --> 00:01:50.719 don't even think he wants to talk to me, So 43 00:01:50.959 --> 00:01:53.400 I will just turn on comedy and I turned on 44 00:01:53.439 --> 00:01:57.359 Hassamanaj's new Oh it's so good his cos I think 45 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:02.120 it is okay. He says, everybody says his name wrong, 46 00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:06.519 so I'll just join the chorus. But it's Hassan Manajh, 47 00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:11.159 not Hassan, Oh, Hassan Hassan. I think so. I don't know. 48 00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:13.159 He's trying to correct all the white people to say 49 00:02:13.159 --> 00:02:16.800 his name right. He has the greatest little bit about 50 00:02:16.919 --> 00:02:20.319 Basis Dan. He said, beasist Dan, or everybody that's not 51 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:22.800 black American, not white American they're from. And then you enlist, 52 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:26.960 like you know, twelve countries. And he says, we only 53 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:29.520 want one of four. He goes, we want four things 54 00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:32.479 from our politicians. Number one a green card. Number two, 55 00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:37.759 we want our politicians to follow some religion, hopefully the 56 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:40.159 one that makes you feel guilty after you masturbate. And 57 00:02:40.199 --> 00:02:42.319 then the third one I cannot remember what he said. 58 00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:43.840 And then the fourth one is and we want you 59 00:02:43.919 --> 00:02:47.520 not to bomb our home country. However, says his son, 60 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:49.960 if you give us number one, we might let you 61 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:56.280 do number four. It is so hysterical. I think he's brilliant. Okay, 62 00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:58.080 I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. Welcome to my show. We have 63 00:02:58.159 --> 00:03:02.599 been digressing here. I want to talk about a few 64 00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:05.680 things today. I want to talk a little bit about 65 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:08.919 mental health. I want to talk about this trend, not trend, 66 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:14.479 this thing that's happening in our culture very commonly, which 67 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:18.919 is that many adults are being diagnosed with ADHD for 68 00:03:18.960 --> 00:03:20.960 the first time in their lives and they're trying to 69 00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:22.919 figure out what that is. And sometimes it's a great 70 00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:28.560 like ah, that explains everything. And I also want to 71 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:34.919 talk to you about workplace and workplace mental health. Right, 72 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:37.560 so sometimes you might have a colleague who's having a 73 00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:40.439 mental health crisis. How should you behave? What should do? 74 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:42.960 We're going to talk about it, but first in the news, 75 00:03:43.680 --> 00:03:46.000 So what is it that every celebrity around is having 76 00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:47.840 sex parties and importing young people. 77 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:48.560 Let's go to. 78 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:53.080 Puff Diddy, p Diddy, Puffy Sean Puffy Combs. First, he 79 00:03:53.159 --> 00:03:55.759 actually won something in court. He's in jail, you know, 80 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:56.800 awaiting trial. 81 00:03:57.800 --> 00:03:58.680 He had. 82 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.560 Judge basically, I don't know the legal terms wrap the 83 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:09.039 fingers of the federal investigators who have been leaking all 84 00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:12.759 this information about his quote unquote freak offs. So you know, 85 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:16.480 we had too much information in the public domain about 86 00:04:16.480 --> 00:04:18.959 what's going on, and I think that's not fair somebody's 87 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:23.720 waiting to stand trial. Although the information was terrifying to us, 88 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:26.639 I still think so. Anyway, he won this little judgment 89 00:04:26.680 --> 00:04:31.040 against the detectives. To zip it. Okay, stop telling people. 90 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:33.160 Let's have a nice, fair trial when it comes up. 91 00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:37.959 But secondly, the founders of a abicrome, I can't even 92 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:40.439 say Abercrombie and Fitch. Did you ever see the documentary 93 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:41.480 on Netflix about them? 94 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:43.759 No, but I did hear about it as. 95 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:46.079 Bad as the Victoria's Secret guys and so. But they 96 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:48.360 were doing it to young men, young male models. They 97 00:04:48.360 --> 00:04:51.160 were importing them into islands and private places, and then 98 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:53.120 they would lure them in with drugs and whatever and 99 00:04:53.160 --> 00:04:56.439 make them perform sex acts. And so they're all arrested too. 100 00:04:56.759 --> 00:05:00.120 So I hope everyone has learned. Okay, all the young 101 00:05:00.519 --> 00:05:03.759 men out there who are seeing the old men go 102 00:05:03.879 --> 00:05:08.920 to jail, just stop all the nonsense. Okay, Yet, full consent, 103 00:05:09.480 --> 00:05:13.879 don't involve drugs and alcohol, don't transport people across state 104 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:18.720 lines to procure sex. That's apparently all illegal racketeering. Okay, 105 00:05:18.720 --> 00:05:21.480 So that's in the news. Now, let's talk about something else. 106 00:05:21.480 --> 00:05:25.959 So the other day, who was on Bill Maher Megan 107 00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:29.199 Kelly from Fox Right. I used to know her very 108 00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:32.399 lightly when I would appear on Fox News sometimes she 109 00:05:32.439 --> 00:05:34.160 would be in the green room, and so long ago 110 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:36.040 that she was pregnant at the time, so her kids 111 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:36.879 are much older now. 112 00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:38.279 But she. 113 00:05:40.040 --> 00:05:44.399 She's very articulate, very smart. Rallied away with Bill Maher 114 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:47.519 about why she believes President Trump would be the best 115 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:51.480 choice for this country. But part of her argument, and 116 00:05:51.519 --> 00:05:54.600 I wanted to both commend her for saying some things 117 00:05:54.600 --> 00:05:57.720 that are scientific and truthful but also correct of you 118 00:05:57.800 --> 00:06:01.680 little things, is she thinks one of the biggest issues 119 00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:07.360 beside immigration is dealing with trans kids in our culture. 120 00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:10.519 And I mean there's so many other there's the economy. 121 00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:13.120 There's all kinds of things right that are going on 122 00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:15.639 that I think, And I'm just a big believer that 123 00:06:15.639 --> 00:06:18.240 the government should just stay out of everybody's bodies in 124 00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:19.560 any way possible. 125 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:23.079 Maybe just stay concerned with your own genitals except vaccines. 126 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:25.720 And here's why, because you have to be collective. When 127 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:29.279 there's a virus running around killing people everywhere, and the elderly, 128 00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:31.199 we all have to be on the same team. We 129 00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:32.759 have to just get rid of that virus. We all 130 00:06:32.920 --> 00:06:36.720 to join the team. But anyway, I want to just 131 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:44.279 say carefully and with great and deep love, that there 132 00:06:44.279 --> 00:06:48.199 are many young people who are coming out as either 133 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:53.759 trans or non binary, are gender fluid. It's estimated that 134 00:06:53.800 --> 00:06:57.759 about two percent of human beings are born intersex, meaning 135 00:06:57.800 --> 00:07:01.600 they have biological characteristics of two. Say, it is possible 136 00:07:01.959 --> 00:07:04.639 to be born with a penis and some ovaries tucked 137 00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:06.360 up in there you don't even know about, and then 138 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:11.639 at puberty woohoo, bress, Right, what happens? It is possible 139 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:16.519 to be born with a vagina evolva and undescended testes, 140 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:21.040 and then that testosterone charges ahead at puberty. Right, So 141 00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:24.120 we have to respect the two percent of intersex people. 142 00:07:24.120 --> 00:07:27.439 But also there are another group of people who might 143 00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:31.480 be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria doesn't mean your trans. 144 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:35.720 It means you have psychological distress. It's the distress it's diagnosable, 145 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:41.800 not the gender identification. And so I want to say 146 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:43.800 that you may be a parent, or you may have 147 00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:46.600 someone in your family who comes out as trans. What 148 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:51.759 should you do? Please start with love. Just love them. 149 00:07:52.040 --> 00:07:54.800 It's a big deal for them to tell you. Thank 150 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:59.720 them for trusting you. Listen, without judgment. This is not 151 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:02.160 the time to say, now you're not a boy, you're 152 00:08:02.199 --> 00:08:04.839 not a girl. I know what you are. No, just listen, 153 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:09.800 just listen, ask open ended questions. How long have you 154 00:08:09.879 --> 00:08:12.959 known so? What name or pronouns do you want me 155 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:15.839 to use? How can I support you? I'd tell you 156 00:08:15.879 --> 00:08:19.240 a story when my youngest daughter was like three or something. 157 00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:22.000 She woke up one day and said, call me Ryan. 158 00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:25.759 My name is Ryan. And she went through her little 159 00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:28.560 wardrobe and she found only navy blue and brown and 160 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:30.439 beige clothes. I don't know why they were there in 161 00:08:30.439 --> 00:08:32.480 a little girl's wardrobe, but there they were, and that's 162 00:08:32.519 --> 00:08:34.480 all she wore for two weeks. And we thought it 163 00:08:34.519 --> 00:08:37.480 was cute because she was a toddler. We called her Ryan, 164 00:08:37.960 --> 00:08:40.799 and then one day at the breakfast table, she said, 165 00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:46.639 I'm not Ryan anymore. Children experiment with gender. Gender is 166 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.399 partly a cultural construct, I say it carefully, partly because 167 00:08:50.440 --> 00:08:53.320 there is a biological piece as well. It is not 168 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:56.000 our job to tell anybody who they are or what 169 00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:59.799 they are. It is our job to educate ourselves about 170 00:08:59.799 --> 00:09:03.600 what gender means. It is our job to help and 171 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:08.120 support people who are in distress about their gender monitor them, 172 00:09:08.519 --> 00:09:11.480 support their mental health, and it is important that we 173 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:16.120 all stay flexible and open to change. What Megan Kelly 174 00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:20.919 said correctly on the show is that yes, there's a 175 00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:25.720 very small percentage of social contagion going on, and the 176 00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:30.519 solution may not be medical interventions. In fact, there are 177 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:35.480 some gender doctors who say, you know, puberty may help 178 00:09:35.799 --> 00:09:38.720 provide the answer to the child, so blocking with puberty 179 00:09:38.759 --> 00:09:41.159 blockers might not be the thing to do. On the 180 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:45.080 other hand, this is a decision for families and doctors 181 00:09:45.559 --> 00:09:49.600 and not politicians, and not to take this small group 182 00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:55.600 of humans and wave the flag as a big political item. 183 00:09:56.200 --> 00:10:01.480 I think it's important that we mostly have compassion, understanding 184 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:07.120 and spend the time educating ourselves. Just want to say that, Okay, 185 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:11.879 I love everybody, and I love I love diversity, gender diverse. Two. 186 00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:16.120 I notice as I'm being older and I'm my estrogen's 187 00:10:16.159 --> 00:10:18.919 going down, I like loafers more. Okay, I'm just saying 188 00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:21.559 I dress more man like. Does that mean I'm less 189 00:10:21.559 --> 00:10:24.159 of a woman. I don't know. I'm just saying, Kayla, 190 00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:25.240 you look so confused. 191 00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:28.159 We too out of nowhere. I did that first. Yeah, 192 00:10:28.200 --> 00:10:29.279 I wasn't expecting the outcome. 193 00:10:29.360 --> 00:10:30.679 Yeah, I'm a comfortable shoes one. 194 00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:31.480 You look great, Wendy. 195 00:10:31.559 --> 00:10:34.000 Okay, when we come back, there's new research on the 196 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:39.320 flirting paradox. Did you know flirting can increase your mate value, 197 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:43.559 but only under one condition. I'll explain when we get back. 198 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:45.559 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf 199 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.679 I Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 200 00:10:49.720 --> 00:10:53.960 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 201 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:55.120 AM six forty. 202 00:10:56.279 --> 00:10:59.120 Kf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh 203 00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:02.799 with you. This is the Doctor Wendywall Show. Can we 204 00:11:02.879 --> 00:11:07.039 talk about flirting? So this morning I was lying in 205 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:10.080 bed with my new husband, Julio, and I happened to 206 00:11:10.120 --> 00:11:13.600 take his hand and lace it into mine and I said, oh, 207 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:15.600 it's good to see you're still wearing your wedding band. 208 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:20.759 And he said, actually he gets hit on more when 209 00:11:20.840 --> 00:11:23.960 he's wearing a wedding band. Kayla, you are shaking your 210 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:24.679 head over. 211 00:11:24.519 --> 00:11:26.200 There, just disgusting me. 212 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:28.120 I can't hit on a married man. 213 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:29.960 You know what that means. 214 00:11:29.960 --> 00:11:31.000 Is that they're desperate. 215 00:11:31.320 --> 00:11:36.720 No, it means they're woman approved. So what happens is 216 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:42.240 married men will get hit on by single women, maybe 217 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.639 just looking for sex, and then if they enjoy the 218 00:11:44.679 --> 00:11:46.679 sex and they get to know the person, then they'll 219 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:49.320 be like, maybe I could just mate poach him, Maybe 220 00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:52.200 I could just steal him. Now I know, I know 221 00:11:52.240 --> 00:11:54.720 you're shaking you. I used to see wedding bands that 222 00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:57.919 go the other way, but there are there's actually some 223 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:00.000 research to show. I read this study once. I thought 224 00:12:00.120 --> 00:12:03.639 it was so funny that the more expensive the jewelry 225 00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:07.039 on the wife. Now you would think that would make 226 00:12:07.080 --> 00:12:09.159 a mate poacher move right on end because she might 227 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:12.639 be thinking, hey, I could get jewelry like that. It's 228 00:12:12.679 --> 00:12:16.440 the opposite. If a mate poacher sees a lot of 229 00:12:16.480 --> 00:12:20.720 expensive jewelry on the wife listen up husbands, she's less 230 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:23.919 likely to mate poach because she thinks he's too invested 231 00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:26.399 in that relationship. It's not going to be easy to 232 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:30.440 get him from that anyway. There's a lot of research 233 00:12:30.919 --> 00:12:36.559 on flirting in general and what is flirting. Well, In 234 00:12:36.600 --> 00:12:39.600 some ways it as you know, like somebody who flirts 235 00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:42.080 with a married man, it can increase the wedding ring, 236 00:12:42.120 --> 00:12:45.759 can increase someone's mate value because what our brain likes 237 00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:51.279 more than anything is shortcuts, right. So if you are single, 238 00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:55.240 this is the important part. If you're single and you 239 00:12:55.320 --> 00:13:00.200 meet another single person and you see someone flirt with 240 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:04.759 that single person, that raises their mate value, right, they 241 00:13:04.799 --> 00:13:07.559 are approved by somebody else. You're picking up on the 242 00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:11.200 social cues about their suitability as a mate, and you 243 00:13:11.320 --> 00:13:14.720 see that there's a signal from other people that that 244 00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:20.360 is a good mate. So we rely on flirting as 245 00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:23.159 a way to assess if a partner is good for us. 246 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:27.320 But guess what, there's some researchers who set up a 247 00:13:27.320 --> 00:13:30.679 study trying to figure out if flirting works when it 248 00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:34.360 comes to raising your mate value when you're in a relationship. 249 00:13:34.440 --> 00:13:37.600 Because I know people do this, right, They'll be Mary 250 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:41.120 living with somebody and it gets a little boring, gets 251 00:13:41.120 --> 00:13:45.480 into the doldrums, you know, the six to twelve year run. 252 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:48.240 And so they think, I'm going to make my mate 253 00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:51.120 like me more. And the way I'm going to make 254 00:13:51.159 --> 00:13:53.200 them like me more is I'm going to get them 255 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:56.399 a little bit jealous. Right. So I remember last week 256 00:13:56.399 --> 00:13:59.080 producer Kayla was saying that she in the past has 257 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:01.200 tried to make mates else as I have. But that's 258 00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:05.159 when you're single, that works, but not if you're in 259 00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:08.759 a relationship. So this is a recent study, recent meaning 260 00:14:08.759 --> 00:14:11.279 August of twenty twenty four. It was published in the 261 00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:15.639 Journal of Sex Research. It's called literally when your partner 262 00:14:15.720 --> 00:14:19.279 is being flirted with the impact of unsolicited attention on 263 00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:24.720 perceived partner desirability and make retention efforts. Oh, psychologists love 264 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:28.240 that psychobabble. They love that psychobabble. So the research seemed 265 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:31.200 to three or three experiments different kinds of experience to 266 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:34.960 see if partners would be less attractive or more attractive 267 00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:41.799 if they received this unsolicited attention from others, And what 268 00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:45.360 they found was the opposite happens. They call it the 269 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:49.600 flirting paradox. It boils down to what they believe are 270 00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:57.120 evolutionary mechanisms. So, once our partner becomes the target of 271 00:14:57.360 --> 00:15:03.120 sexual or flirtatious advance, is the research success that our 272 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:08.559 motivation to maintain the relationship goes down. Uh huh. Suddenly 273 00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:12.639 our partner is less appealing to us if we see 274 00:15:12.759 --> 00:15:16.519 other people flirt with them. I know it sounds backwards, 275 00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:19.679 doesn't Kayla? You look confused? Here's why. So first of all, 276 00:15:19.960 --> 00:15:24.360 we feel jealous. Jealousy is a really uncomfortable feeling. We 277 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:26.720 don't want to keep that feeling. The way to get 278 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:29.799 rid of jealousy is to get rid of the partner 279 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:34.639 or the relationship right or exhaustion, because what we have 280 00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:37.919 to do now that we know our partner is being 281 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:43.279 flirted with, we have to monitor our rivals intentions. We 282 00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:47.000 might have to manipulate our life to make sure that 283 00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:50.000 we keep our partner away from the potential mate poacher. 284 00:15:50.840 --> 00:15:54.600 That is a lot of work, it is exhausting. So 285 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:59.159 we also have to make guard. Make guard means your 286 00:15:59.240 --> 00:16:03.519 partner now there's another option out there, so you have 287 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:06.919 to compete with that option by being extra nice to 288 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:10.799 your partner, maybe buying them some presents, taking them on dates, 289 00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:15.519 spoiling them. You are mate guarding, right. The other part 290 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:18.480 of me guarding is you have to make your other 291 00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:21.360 rival look really bad, So you have to think of 292 00:16:21.399 --> 00:16:23.440 all the bad things about You have to disparage them 293 00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:25.480 in some way, or you have to get into a 294 00:16:25.519 --> 00:16:28.440 fight with him. Honestly, one time, years and years ago, 295 00:16:28.440 --> 00:16:31.080 I had this boyfriend and I wanted to go see 296 00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:34.879 I don't even remember which rapper it was, whether it 297 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:38.159 was Snoop or dray or something. I was really into it. 298 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:40.320 It was in the nineties, and I said, take me 299 00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:42.519 to this concert, and do you know what he said? 300 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:45.799 He's like, I just still want to have to go 301 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:49.960 and fight. He said, everybody's gonna hit on you. I'm 302 00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:53.559 gonna have to fight. Literally. He didn't buy the concert 303 00:16:53.559 --> 00:16:56.799 tickets because he was worried about the Mate poachers. I 304 00:16:56.879 --> 00:16:59.159 didn't get to see my show that I wanted to 305 00:16:59.159 --> 00:17:04.119 go see. All right, And the other thing that devalues 306 00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:07.559 our mate. If we see someone flirting with them is 307 00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:11.279 that age old feeling of fear. They imagine that their 308 00:17:11.319 --> 00:17:15.200 partner might reciprocate. They think, oh, if that person is 309 00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:19.480 flirting with my partner, then maybe maybe they're into them. 310 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:20.240 Right. 311 00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:25.559 So, when you're single, we do rely on flirtations to 312 00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:28.599 see who's attractive or not. We look to see who 313 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:31.319 thinks they're great. But not when you're in a relationship. 314 00:17:31.400 --> 00:17:34.400 It devalues you. So don't use it. Don't use it 315 00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:36.759 as a way to try to keep your mate around 316 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:38.480 or value. All right, when we come back, I'm taking 317 00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:40.720 your calls. Are we going to the phone's producer Kayla, 318 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:42.759 pick up the phone. If you have a relationship question. 319 00:17:42.839 --> 00:17:46.680 The number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. 320 00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:50.079 That's one eight hundred and five two zero one five 321 00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:53.880 three four. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, 322 00:17:53.880 --> 00:17:56.799 but I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation 323 00:17:57.079 --> 00:18:00.960 on attachment style, and La to weigh in on your 324 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:02.720 love lives. Kayla's going to the phones now one eight 325 00:18:02.839 --> 00:18:05.880 hundred and five to two zero one five three four. 326 00:18:06.680 --> 00:18:10.920 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 327 00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:13.599 AM six forty. 328 00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:16.279 KMI AM six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 329 00:18:16.359 --> 00:18:19.759 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. This is the 330 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:23.200 time of the show when you can call me with 331 00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:26.559 your relationship questions. The number is one eight hundred five 332 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:30.000 two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred 333 00:18:30.279 --> 00:18:35.079 five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do 334 00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:35.720 we have? First? 335 00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:37.160 We have Ruth with a question. 336 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:40.400 Ruth, Hi, Ruth, It's doctor Wendy. 337 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:44.480 Hi, Doctor Wendy. You have an amazing show and Kayla's awesome. 338 00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:45.319 Thank you. 339 00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:48.000 Love how to talk about how the people in the 340 00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:51.240 room are responding to your questions? That makes it feel 341 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:52.440 like we're right there with you. 342 00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:56.079 Oh, because you were watching on Instagram as well. 343 00:18:56.599 --> 00:18:58.599 No oh, I just listened religiously. 344 00:19:00.319 --> 00:19:02.680 So sweet, Ruth. I love to hear from you, but 345 00:19:02.759 --> 00:19:05.400 I know on the on the break, I go to 346 00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:08.680 Instagram ahead of time, so I'm already fielding some questions 347 00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:10.000 and talking to people online. 348 00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:10.559 So cool. 349 00:19:10.759 --> 00:19:12.160 Anyway, what is your question? Love? 350 00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:20.000 So you probably never had this question. So I have 351 00:19:20.039 --> 00:19:24.039 a son who's been married to a young lady that 352 00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:29.559 is five years now, and they came into a bump 353 00:19:29.599 --> 00:19:34.440 in the road and they had a not good conversation 354 00:19:34.799 --> 00:19:38.680 and he ended up leaving. I don't think of it. 355 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:42.279 It was of history will though, But that's beside the point. 356 00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:44.400 What do you mean you mean you think she, your 357 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:46.559 daughter in law, kicked out your son. 358 00:19:48.039 --> 00:19:53.000 Yeah. Ah, So the next morning she called in a 359 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:58.599 missing person report, and so he left Thursday morning at 360 00:19:58.599 --> 00:20:02.960 twelve o five and then he showed up at my 361 00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:08.359 door Thursday morning. A week later. He walked over one 362 00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:13.039 hundred miles. He spent a few days on skid row. Anyway, 363 00:20:13.400 --> 00:20:16.599 when I called the police to report that he's been found, 364 00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:21.440 they called her and I also sent her a message. 365 00:20:21.480 --> 00:20:23.519 So she just got in the car and came down 366 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:27.759 and my message was, please bring his you know, belonging 367 00:20:27.880 --> 00:20:30.880 so he can have his ID and you know, I 368 00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:35.359 can take him to the hospital. And you know, his 369 00:20:35.400 --> 00:20:39.759 first words to me were, am I in trouble? And 370 00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.440 I gave him like three big hugs and I said, no, 371 00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:46.279 going missing is not a crime. So he just kind 372 00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:49.200 of like started crying because he thought for sure he 373 00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:50.039 was in trouble. 374 00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:52.599 Okay, So what's your question? What do you want to know? 375 00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:59.160 My question is his wife came in, convinced him to 376 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:01.960 go with her, and then she said, you know, go 377 00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:04.480 ahead and step out. I'm going to talk to your mom. 378 00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:09.960 And she just chewed me out, like from here to China? 379 00:21:10.119 --> 00:21:10.599 What was where? 380 00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:12.799 Her complaint. 381 00:21:13.519 --> 00:21:16.119 That this is all my fault because I didn't get 382 00:21:16.200 --> 00:21:18.920 him enough to help. I didn't get him enough medication. 383 00:21:19.319 --> 00:21:20.759 I didn't So. 384 00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:25.759 Okay, I get what's happening here. Okay, So your son 385 00:21:25.799 --> 00:21:30.240 how old is he? May ask? How old is he? 386 00:21:30.400 --> 00:21:30.599 Oh? 387 00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:32.400 Where's this gone? Okay? So let me just say this. 388 00:21:33.000 --> 00:21:37.880 So this young man who had a falling out with 389 00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:41.440 his wife after five years, ended up walking one hundred 390 00:21:41.480 --> 00:21:44.000 miles to his mother's house, was missing, for a week, 391 00:21:44.920 --> 00:21:48.319 lived on skid row for a bit. This is somebody 392 00:21:48.359 --> 00:21:52.759 who is in a mental health crisis. The daughter in 393 00:21:52.839 --> 00:21:55.400 law is blaming the mother in law, saying you should 394 00:21:55.400 --> 00:21:58.960 have gotten him help earlier. They're no blames here, there's 395 00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:03.079 nobody to blame. It's where we are now, Ruth. Now 396 00:22:03.200 --> 00:22:06.200 is the time, okay, and the two of you need 397 00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:09.200 to be united front to get him the help he needs, 398 00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:12.960 not fighting over whose house he stays at, whether you 399 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:16.039 provide clothes for him, or his idea or whatever he needs. 400 00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:21.599 He is an adult. Sadly, nobody has any jurisdiction over 401 00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:25.000