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Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor and this is Drunkish.

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Maybe you've heard by now. I wrote a book. It's

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called Drunkish. I gabbed about my whole sobriety story because

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I love to tell everybody everything about myself. But now

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I have a podcast, so I get to hear other

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people's stories and discuss sobriety with my friends, which I love.

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And today's guest is a friend of mine. Her name

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is Kim Evie. She's a writer, comedian, actress, mom, and

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like I said, a friend of mine. And if you

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want to find her funny videos, she's got ig which

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is kim Evie spelled ev e y or her TikTok

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kim Evie. And let's talk to her right now. I'm

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so excited to have Kim Evy here. Already told everybody

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all about you.

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Speaker 2: Hi. Oh you did? Hi? Hi? What'd you tell them?

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Speaker 1: Some good stuff about you? And like what you do?

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I like how famous you are.

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Speaker 2: I'm so famous. I'm like, I'm probably the most famous

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person you had on your podcast. Not to brag, but.

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Speaker 1: You are such a good writer and I will tell you.

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And I should have just said this in the regular

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phone call portion of this or the you know, but

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I many people in my writing class, for those of

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you who don't know I do. I teach like memoir writing.

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But Kim is writing a book and it's so good,

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and many people are like, is Kim done with her book?

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Speaker 2: I was just talking to somebody about that. I'm not

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doing working on it right now, but I'm I'm going

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to go back to it. They want to be your

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beta reader. Oh okay, beta readers, that's for sure. Okay, anyway, sorry.

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Speaker 1: So you and I met in sobriety in recovery, and

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I'll tell people right off the bat that you were

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one of my first friends. And I I spotted you

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because somebody told me that you had been sober for

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only like a couple of months, and that seemed like

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so long to me that I will never forget coming

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up to you and just being like, Hi, my name

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is Stephanie, and like I have whatever handful of days

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I must say, I think you had like two days,

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maybe one.

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Speaker 2: It was so you were so new. It was it

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was at the big Saturday gathering.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was down to the Juggalos of the Juggles, Yes,

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and uh.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and you were I had.

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Speaker 1: I probably had a couple maybe like a week okay,

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or two maybe too it was your first meeting or

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your second meeting, or because you're so, I'd gone to

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a few meetings already. I already had. I already had

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a spare. It's like you're the first thing. Maybe they'd

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never been to any meeting before. Maybe you were still drunk.

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Speaker 2: Can you talk?

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Speaker 1: And I was like, can help me?

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Speaker 2: And I was like, stop drinking that, margerite, we'll talk.

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So can you just tell just tell me your story.

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You know how to do that. I know how to

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do that. Okay. So my my story is that I

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was a periodic drinker, very periodic, so much so and

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very private and so much so that I didn't really

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know if I had a problem, although I pretty much

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suspected that I did. It was getting pretty bad. But

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a lot of the people who get sober will be

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like I totally thought nobody knew, but everybody knew. But

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with me, literally like nobody knew. I was very very

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good at hiding it. And also it wasn't I mean,

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I was really lucky. I was like starting to circle

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the drain. But you know, I hadn't like it hadn't

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started getting really fast. You know, it was just kind

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of that slow circle where it was like, oh, this

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this is probably you know. I feel like it was

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like right when it was going to start going, you know,

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but it was just so.

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Speaker 1: But you're married. So did your husband drink too or

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did he not drink? Yes, he did drink and he's

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a total normy. So I always say my husband, this

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is how I know that I am an alcoholic because

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my husband, to him, alcohol is a flavor. It's like

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what do I feel like having in my mouth? Do

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I want some water or some soda or some wine

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or you know, it's just like it's unfathomable to me.

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And he's a guy that will, you know, like he

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takes you know, two hours to have a glass of

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wine or maybe he'll leave half of it or something

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like that. But he, he and I you know, would

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drink wine together and like toward the end, at one point,

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we were you know, starting to kind of I guess

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b wine tasters or that was what I said that

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we were doing, and he was.

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Speaker 2: Like, you know what I read. I read that at

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the ninety nine cents store they actually have like really

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good wine, so we should try like getting those wines.

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And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah,

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and he would bring home wine and he would taste

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it and be like, oh, that's gross, and I was like,

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I guess our palettes are just really different because it's fine.

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And then I would just drink all the wine and

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he would not, so be like we should use this

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for cleaning and You're like, I'm fine with it. Yeah,

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I think it's fine. Now it's really good.

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Speaker 1: So you say that you were really private, but did

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he notice that you drank too much? Did you drink

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in secret? Did you wait till you went to bed?

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Tell me what happened?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of It kind of went from when

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he started saying like, I feel like you're you're drinking,

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like I've never known you to drink to cope with

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things or to you know. He was starting to point

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it out, like this is not like like we have

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another friend and he was like, you staid like her,

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and I was like, I am not like her.

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Speaker 1: She No, there's no way.

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Speaker 2: And so that's when I was like, oh, I better

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like watch it because he's starting to notice. So then

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I would you know, do the things like when we

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were you know, puying the glasses in the kitchen, but

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pouring myself some extra and drinking it before, you know.

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And then and then at the end, I was like

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hiding pills. I was hiding ambient in you know, and

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whiskey in my back office, and I would go out

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there and just like have these little private parties. You know.

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My husband would go to bed. And this was when

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we were both working pretty hard, you know, from home

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but doing you know, like producing and YouTube producing and

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stuff like that. So it was valid that I'd be like,

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I have so much work to do, but instead I,

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you know, would you also do the work sometimes? And

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sometimes I That's how I started to notice that I

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had a problem because I would start having are they

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brown outs? Is that what they're do? People them that,

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like not full on blackouts where I was just like, oh,

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I'd have no idea what happened, but I would just

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be like I sent that email, oh oh, and then

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like it would kind of seep back in, you know,

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or I'd be like like I remember one night when

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he was out of town, you know, I woke up

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and there was like a roast beef out on the

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counter and I was like what And I was like, oh, yes, yes,

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I do remember. I do remember getting that out eating

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that now, you know. But it was like it would

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it would take a minute, right, and then like one

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of the big things that happened and this was not

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when I quit, but this was just something that happened,

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was I you know, I so ambien was my drug

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of choice. I didn't really That's why I didn't really

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know I had a problem because I always hung out

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with you know, like theater people, and and I started

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drinking just because I was a kid who was really

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insecure and I needed to feel like I was cool.

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And when people saw me drinking, they were like, oh,

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I've had the wrong impression of you. And I said,

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that's right, I'm so cool.

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Speaker 1: And this is how young.

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Speaker 2: In high school. So like I the first time I

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ever really drank with girlfriends I had, we had I

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think it was like Bartles and James. We had got

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we had like shoulder tapped some guy and we went

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to a dance and we were in the bathroom and

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literally there were four of us in four bottles and

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everybody was like took a sip and was like, oh no,

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and I was like, I'll then then I'll do it.

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And I just drank all the bottles and I got

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really wasted and went up to a boy that I

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had a crush on and said, why am I go

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out with me? And he was like okay, and his

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friend was like, come on, let's go. And I was

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just like, you leave them alone. This guy answer, why

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didn't you go out with me? And it was mortifying,

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so mortifying, But that's so yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I went one time, I went to a blogging

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conference and I got very drunk.

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Speaker 2: This was this must have been toward the end of

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my drinking.

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Speaker 1: And I went up to this like a blogger who

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at the time was like very famous, yeah yeah, and

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I basically did a like I know who you are.

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Your her name is Deuce. Do you remember Deuce? She

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passed away. She was a very famous early blogger. Anyway,

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I was like, I.

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Speaker 2: Know you are, and I'm Stephanie. And I wrote a

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book and I it was. I woke up the next

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day and was just like, oh, I did please please

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Let that have been just like a dream. Now I

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did that at the worst. Oh, That's where I was

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going with this whole story, is that I, so I started.

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I started taking Ambient because my mom gave me one.

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She was like, this new drugs come out. It's amazing.

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You can go to sleep and you wake up and

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you don't have any hangover and it's just and I

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was like great. And I was acting at the time,

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so it's like, why don't you give me a couple

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And I'll take one one night just to make sure

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that it doesn't like have any effects the next morning,

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and then I'll have it in case. Occasionally I would

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book a job and they'd be like, your call time

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is five, and I'd be like, ugh, So I take

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an ambient. My parents are visiting us, and my mom goes,

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you have to go to bed, and I was like

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I will, but I'm like working on my computer and

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I take this sambient. About half an hour later, I

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look in all of the letters on my keyboarder going

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we're just like squiggling around, and I was like, oh,

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what is happening? And then when I stood up, I

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just had like it was like the most delicious feeling

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I ever felt in my entire life. I was like, oh, wow,

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this is great. So I was really into Ambient and

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when I would go to my parents' house, I would

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steal it. And then one night I was I was

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visiting them without Greg's as before well, everything obviously was

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before I had Charlie, because I've been sober since before

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I had him, But this was I was visiting without

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Greg and we were playing cards and I had like

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an ambient and two glasses of wine, and I just

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started passing out at the table, like I could feel.

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I was just like, oh no, And so I was like,

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I gotta I gotta go, Okay, good night, I gotta go.

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And I go back in the guest bedroom and then

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I was like, I have to pee, but I oh,

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I am peeing. Oh I'm peeing right now, and I'm

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standing in my suitcase and I'm peeing, and now h

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I went underwear. I don't really know. I'm so out

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of it. So I take off my underwear. I walk

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into the front room no pants, just a shirt, holding

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my wet underwear, and luckily my dad had gone to bed,

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and my mom's like, what are you doing? And I

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was like, oh, I I need a baggy and she

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was so she's like, follows me into the room, and

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you know, I put the under in a bag, and

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I basically like passed out. I was like, Mom, I fine,

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because she was like, what's going on. It's like, I'm fine,

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just and I passed out. And then I woke up

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the next morning and I thought it was a dream

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like but it was so awful because one thing at

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a time came back and I was just like, ah,

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that was so wait a minut oh no, and then

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I realized that it had really happened, and it's like, oh,

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so that was did you tell like, did your mom

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say anything? Yes? And this is part of why, like

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I could just keep doing things because I said. She

239
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came in and she said, you tangled in your suitcase

240
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and I said, I know, Mom, I took an ambient

241
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and she's, oh, okay, that explains it, because for whatever reason,

242
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some people just don't, you know, have any reaction to ambient.

243
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But my mom and I react the same, which is

244
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weird because I'm adopted, so it's not genetic. But one

245
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time she took an ambient when this is when I relapsed. Actually,

246
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I was there helping my dad take care of he

247
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had just had surgery. My dad wakes me up a

248
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two o'clock in the morning and He's like, come in

249
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the house because they have like a side house. And

250
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I go in and my mom's just like sitting there,

251
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and my dad said, your mother took some ambient. I

252
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don't know where she found it. And my mom looks

253
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at me and she goes, you look like sand made

254
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of sand. Oh no, she goes, you look terrible. Okay,

255
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So we discovered that she had she had had some

256
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timeless ambient in her dresser drawers. So this was during

257
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my relapse, right, So I had gone there to help

258
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take care of my dad. I started stealing pills from

259
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him because he wasn't taking his pain pills. And then

260
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I found a bunch of ambient because I was helping

261
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clean up because they're kind he's kind of a hoarder.

262
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And I found all this ambient and so I was

263
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taking it. So it's like, this was after four and

264
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a half years of sobriety. I'm all over the place

265
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with my story. I'm sorry, I don't care, I'm loving it.

266
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So I had quit my job. I stopped, you know,

267
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I mean, I wasn't going to as many meetings as

268
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they should to just I was just basically a newcomer.

269
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Brain again, like what am I doing with my life?

270
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So I go steal pills. I get this ambient, and

271
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then my mom does this and I'm supposed to go

272
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home the next day, but I go into her bedroom

273
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where my dad says, maybe it's in here. I go

274
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and I find like a dual pack. She's taken one,

275
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and I am like, okay, I found it, and I

276
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go in the bathroom and I flush the toilet and

277
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I eat the ambient. It's like two o'clock in the

278
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morning and I have to drive home the next day,

279
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and I was still probably like it was not I

280
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shouldn't have been driving what it did.

281
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Speaker 1: Yeah, So when I take ambient, not currently I haven't.

282
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I mean when I took ambient, like many years ago,

283
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probably twenty five years ago, when I tried ambient for

284
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and I went to sleep. So yeah, I guess people

285
00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:43,799
react to it differently. No different, yeah, no, different than

286
00:14:43,919 --> 00:14:48,000
like taking benadryl for me, Yeah, like yeah, no for me, hired,

287
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,840
fell asleep, woke up.

288
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Speaker 2: No, I don't know, a special feeling. Yep, it was

289
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,840
like miles unfair. I know it does feel unfair, but

290
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I mean it is funny though, because every people are like,

291
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,200
you know, Benzo people or let's see other I don't know,

292
00:15:03,639 --> 00:15:04,200
but you know what I mean?

293
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,200
Speaker 1: Atavan well yeah, Ballium, Yeah, I start listing off like

294
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:13,919
a hundred. But I also did love h Xenix. I

295
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:17,320
was a big Xanax person. But but I don't feel

296
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like I ever got high off of Xanax. I just

297
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:23,360
felt like my thing I think this is different than

298
00:15:23,399 --> 00:15:25,679
ambient is that when I took Xanax, I was like,

299
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oh my god, I feel so normal, right, Like, why

300
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,679
doesn't everybody just take like I couldn't believe that other

301
00:15:34,799 --> 00:15:38,200
people didn't feel like felt like this all the time,

302
00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:40,519
because you know what I'm saying, I didn't like some

303
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:42,360
people would be like, oh if I took a Xanax,

304
00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:44,799
I would just fall asleep. But I took a Xanax

305
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,840
and I was like, I could I could totally get

306
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to work, hold on for one moment, please. So I

307
00:15:52,279 --> 00:15:55,759
was just saying that I would take a Xanax and

308
00:15:55,879 --> 00:15:59,879
feel completely fine, and and to me that was so magical.

309
00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:04,480
I wasn't high. I didn't feel good. I just felt

310
00:16:04,559 --> 00:16:10,039
like relaxed, like oh, I could drive, I could do

311
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,519
a job, you know, And I was like, well, why

312
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,000
wouldn't people take this every single day for the rest

313
00:16:16,039 --> 00:16:18,440
of their lives. If it means you just get to

314
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,720
live life with no anxiety. The problem is that I

315
00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:25,600
am an addict. So I did have to take then

316
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,679
I would have to take it every single day, right,

317
00:16:27,759 --> 00:16:30,039
I wouldn't have that effect, but did you?

318
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,840
Speaker 2: Because that's how I That's how I feel about being

319
00:16:32,879 --> 00:16:36,039
on antidepressants because so many people are like, you're not

320
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,080
really sober, and you know, you're not supposed to take

321
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,879
anything that affects you above the head. But when you have,

322
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:44,200
when you like truly have depression and like that serotonin imbalance,

323
00:16:44,279 --> 00:16:46,799
it's it's exactly that, you know, Like I used to

324
00:16:46,919 --> 00:16:48,200
just be like I would wake up and be like,

325
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,440
oh my god, I you know, everything is awful and

326
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,120
I know what's going on, and I just would cry,

327
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:54,679
you know. And now I wake up and I'm like

328
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,360
a normal person because my serotonin is like normal.

329
00:16:57,519 --> 00:16:59,960
Speaker 1: This is a great topic that you just brought up.

330
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,519
And I will say that the difference is for sure

331
00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:09,640
with xanax. If one makes me feel really normal and fine,

332
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,519
then it gets into your head of like, well, two

333
00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:15,400
would make me feel like extra relaxed, and nobody does

334
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,680
that with antidepressants, you don't go like, if this dose

335
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:21,440
makes me feel not depressed, maybe I'll just take three,

336
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:25,960
but I'll feel really not depressed. So it's different.

337
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:31,039
Speaker 2: It's yeah, no, it's absolutely different. But did you then yes,

338
00:17:31,519 --> 00:17:33,480
because you developed a tolerance or was it because you

339
00:17:33,559 --> 00:17:35,200
were like, oh, I think I need to feel a

340
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,000
little bit better.

341
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:39,519
Speaker 1: Yes, because I would be like, I like downers. I

342
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:43,519
love to feel chill, so I would think, oh, well,

343
00:17:43,559 --> 00:17:46,119
I feel chill like this was Xannnix takes the edge

344
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,680
off and makes me feel like no anxiety. So if

345
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,759
I took a little bit more and combine that with

346
00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:55,319
a glass of wine, then I would feel very relaxed,

347
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,000
like even better than a glass of wine. It would

348
00:17:58,079 --> 00:18:01,119
just help. It would elevate the glass of wine so

349
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,680
that I wouldn't have to have three glasses of wine, yes,

350
00:18:04,839 --> 00:18:08,680
which I would still have three glasses of wine. You

351
00:18:08,799 --> 00:18:12,440
didn't have to, but I just would. I mean, it's

352
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,519
just the difference is like an addict brain. I mean,

353
00:18:14,559 --> 00:18:16,920
they're okay, I'll put it to you this way. I

354
00:18:17,039 --> 00:18:20,319
have taken benadryl in sobriety when I've had like a

355
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,880
couple of sleepless nights, and I've been like, I really

356
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,640
need to sleep through the night. I've never one time

357
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,400
ever been like, well, if two Benadryls helps me sleep

358
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,720
through the night, maybe I'll take it during the day,

359
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,519
or maybe I'll take another one. Like I've never that's

360
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,599
never crossed my mind. It doesn't make me feel good,

361
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,440
you know what I'm saying. There's just I think I

362
00:18:41,519 --> 00:18:44,319
think Xanax makes people feel good.

363
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:45,160
Speaker 2: Yeah.

364
00:18:45,519 --> 00:18:48,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely, And if you do take two xanax, you are

365
00:18:49,079 --> 00:18:51,720
going to feel out of it. So even though I'm

366
00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:54,440
not going to feel like euphoric or like a drunk

367
00:18:54,519 --> 00:18:57,279
feeling or a vicoin feeling, I'm still going to feel

368
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,119
oh yeah, I feel altered.

369
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,759
Speaker 2: Right. Yeah. I don't think that anti depressants they don't

370
00:19:02,839 --> 00:19:07,720
alter you. They don't. But people who don't have depression

371
00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:10,839
sometimes I think that they are under the mistaken I

372
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,559
think they're you know, under the mistaken impression that that

373
00:19:13,799 --> 00:19:17,079
is what happens that you take them. Those people are elevated.

374
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,480
Speaker 1: Right, those people are incorrect.

375
00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:19,720
Speaker 2: They are wrong.

376
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,720
Speaker 1: And there are no bosses in twelve step programs or

377
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,319
recovery groups, like there's nobody should tell you.

378
00:19:26,839 --> 00:19:27,359
Speaker 2: It's up to you.

379
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:33,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly nowhere in the I listen. I'm a big proponent.

380
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,839
I was on a healthy dose of Zoloft when I

381
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:42,440
got sober, And the only reason I weaned off of

382
00:19:42,559 --> 00:19:45,519
Zoloft was not because had anything to do with sobriety.

383
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,759
It was just because, like I had been on it

384
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,640
for a really long time, and I just thought, like,

385
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:56,680
I've never been sober, so maybe I don't have depression

386
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,920
because I didn't have depression when I was younger. I

387
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,279
didn't feel like I had clinical depression. I felt like

388
00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:05,240
I had postpartum depression and post part of anxiety. So

389
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,480
then i'd been on it for a while, you know

390
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,519
what I'm saying. So and I got off of it

391
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:13,400
really slowly, and I was fine, oh wow, But if

392
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,799
I just felt depressed again, I would take it.

393
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,759
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. It's funny because I when I first came

394
00:20:19,799 --> 00:20:23,240
to twelve Step, I had, you know, I had a

395
00:20:23,279 --> 00:20:26,640
sponsor who was like far away because they're like, find

396
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,359
somebody who you want what they have, and I really

397
00:20:28,559 --> 00:20:30,559
like this woman, but she lived like on the other

398
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,960
side of town, and so it didn't work out. And

399
00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:35,200
so then when I got sponsor I have now, she

400
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,519
was like, can you try to, you know, to go

401
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,799
off the end of deepressants and just seek exactly what

402
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,759
you said for the exact reason that you said, like

403
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,359
maybe you're just not used to it. And so I

404
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,119
was like, yeah, absolutely, and I did it, and just

405
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,279
all the depression came back for realsies, and I was

406
00:20:50,319 --> 00:20:53,480
trying really hard to just kind of white knuckle it.

407
00:20:53,559 --> 00:20:55,640
But you know, my husband at one point he was

408
00:20:55,759 --> 00:20:58,440
just like, I understand why you're doing this, but you

409
00:20:58,599 --> 00:21:00,839
have to understand that this is not you, you know,

410
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,440
because I was just back in that thing where I

411
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,799
would just you know, my emotions were crazy and I

412
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,359
was just crying all the time, you know. And he

413
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,799
was like, you don't just sit around and cry. It's

414
00:21:10,839 --> 00:21:14,519
not you know, It's like okay and so and you know,

415
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:15,960
and of course she was fine with that. She just

416
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,599
wanted to see if it was like a dependency. There's

417
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,400
so much that we think we need. When I first

418
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,319
got sowherre started smoking again because I was like, you know,

419
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:28,440
even though I hadn't, even though I was a periodic drinker, well,

420
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,319
first of all, my drinking was getting you know, more

421
00:21:30,319 --> 00:21:32,240
and more and more, so I was probably drinking close

422
00:21:32,319 --> 00:21:34,559
to you know, every day, but just not a lot,

423
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,880
you know, because my husband was there. But I was

424
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,039
drinking a lot more like I was having periods where

425
00:21:39,079 --> 00:21:40,480
I would be like, ash, I guess I better stop

426
00:21:40,559 --> 00:21:43,160
drinking for a while because it's and I would blame

427
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,640
it on you know, I'm sorry, everything's all my things

428
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,960
are going off. I would blame it on, you know,

429
00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:52,759
like weight gain, be like, well, I just feel like

430
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,599
I'm getting too much weight, so I have to stop

431
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,920
drinking so much wine. But I was just drinking too

432
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,240
much wine. Forgot why I was saying this. Why am

433
00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:03,880
I saying this? What am I talking about?

434
00:22:04,319 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 1: Well, you were talking about as as you're drinking, was

435
00:22:07,079 --> 00:22:10,160
getting worse that you were. I think you were going

436
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,880
to be talking about feeling unhappy.

437
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,279
Speaker 2: I don't remember. I got texts and then I just

438
00:22:17,759 --> 00:22:19,640
tell well, let you know what.

439
00:22:19,799 --> 00:22:21,359
Speaker 1: I think it will come back to you if you

440
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:22,680
tell me, if you tell me this.

441
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,160
Speaker 2: So were you did?

442
00:22:25,519 --> 00:22:29,359
Speaker 1: You said earlier that your husband said you're drinking to cope.

443
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,440
So were you in a period when you're drinking escalated

444
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:37,279
where work was, where your life was feeling difficult or

445
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:41,240
do you feel like you'd always drink a bit too much.

446
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,680
Speaker 2: I feel like there was. It was definitely ramping up.

447
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,240
So I always drank. I always use drugs, but you know,

448
00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:51,640
alcohol was not my drug of choice for a long time.

449
00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:55,720
You know, when I was in college, you know, I

450
00:22:55,839 --> 00:22:57,880
did a lot of college drinking and stuff like that.

451
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,720
But then after that, I was really a pot had

452
00:22:59,759 --> 00:23:02,759
bring years, you know, like that's what I wanted to do.

453
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,400
So while I had friends who's you know, they would

454
00:23:05,559 --> 00:23:08,440
be drunk and getting drunker and I would just you know,

455
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,799
be high and watching them. So that was kind of

456
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,599
what I was doing for a long time. And then

457
00:23:15,759 --> 00:23:17,480
I think what happened is so my husband is a

458
00:23:17,559 --> 00:23:20,880
normy and I think I really wanted to just be normal,

459
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,880
and so we got married and I just thought, Okay,

460
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,480
now I'll just be fine, you know, like marriage, this

461
00:23:26,599 --> 00:23:29,480
will cure everything. And then all the behaviors started going

462
00:23:29,519 --> 00:23:31,039
on the ground. It just you know, like we do,

463
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,440
it just kind of started coming out sideways, right. So

464
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,599
then I started drinking more and I'd never really been

465
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,519
a drinker like to that extent.

466
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 1: But I did you feel like you couldn't smoke pot

467
00:23:42,319 --> 00:23:44,119
around him? I?

468
00:23:44,319 --> 00:23:46,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't. I had kind of quit everything because

469
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,160
he's such a super straight arrow. Oh that's what I

470
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,920
was talking about, that I stopped smoke, that I started

471
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,799
smoking again, because yes, thank you. So even though I

472
00:23:54,039 --> 00:23:57,960
wasn't drinking a lot, I realized when I had to

473
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,039
stop everything that I had never been with out something.

474
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,000
You know. It was either I was allowed to drink

475
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:07,279
or I was just like, you know, taking something at night,

476
00:24:07,519 --> 00:24:10,759
or I was I mean, honestly, when I stopped drinking,

477
00:24:10,799 --> 00:24:13,079
I would drink coffee to the point of where I

478
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,319
almost couldn't function, just because I needed to feel altered.

479
00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:18,319
And I hadn't realized how much I needed that and

480
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,920
how much I'd been doing that for years. And then

481
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,079
I also started smoking again, which I had quit smoking

482
00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:28,799
when I met my husband, and although I cheated a lot,

483
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,240
but I started again. You know, I was just like,

484
00:24:31,319 --> 00:24:33,680
I have to do something, you know, I can't just

485
00:24:33,799 --> 00:24:36,839
be like me. You know, that's that feeling that we

486
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,000
have when you just you feel too raw. It's like

487
00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:42,240
I can't just go around with nothing between me and

488
00:24:42,319 --> 00:24:45,759
the world. Like that's crazy. Yeah, I mean it is

489
00:24:46,759 --> 00:24:50,960
a nightmare. It's are first. So yeah, so I just

490
00:24:51,079 --> 00:24:53,400
built on, you know, more stuff that I could have,

491
00:24:53,599 --> 00:24:55,119
and I you know, and I just needed that because

492
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:59,240
for me, I mean I definitely you know, it's physiological.

493
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,680
I you know, I respond differently to drugs and alcohol

494
00:25:02,799 --> 00:25:05,359
than people who are not alcoholics. But at the same time,

495
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:12,160
for me, there's such there was such a an emotional like, uh,

496
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,839
you know, that whole needing to fit in thing, really

497
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:20,960
really feeling insecure, which is the word, you know, feeling inadequate,

498
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,640
feeling like I didn't measure up, like all that stuff

499
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,759
was was was with me so young, and then all

500
00:25:26,799 --> 00:25:29,160
I wanted was to like fit in. And so when

501
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,720
I could start doing these things, that was such a

502
00:25:31,799 --> 00:25:35,079
big part of it. You know, before there was an

503
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:38,799
addictive part. It was just like I need something to

504
00:25:39,839 --> 00:25:43,680
be I need, you know, like like oh, I'll smoke

505
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,400
pot and all smoke cigarettes and I'll do all this

506
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,240
stuff because you guys do it, and I need so

507
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,440
much to fit in too, you know.

508
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,359
Speaker 1: So it's interesting because your husband didn't do that, so

509
00:25:53,519 --> 00:25:55,759
then you were doing it alone. So it's not even

510
00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:00,440
like peer pressure or you're doing it when you're socializing, right,

511
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,000
I would do things like I would I would like

512
00:26:04,079 --> 00:26:06,079
if he wasn't with me. It's funny because you know,

513
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,519
these are things like I kind of discounted and then

514
00:26:08,519 --> 00:26:11,400
I look back and I go like, oh, yeah, because you.

515
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,039
Speaker 2: Know, we were both in the same theater company. And

516
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:15,599
then there would be nights where you know, he would

517
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,000
go home or maybe he wasn't recurssing that night or whatever,

518
00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:19,559
and then I would stay and I would just drink

519
00:26:19,599 --> 00:26:21,000
and I would have like, you know, three or four

520
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:23,359
glasses of wine, which for me, you know, it's a

521
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,319
lot to drive home on. And then he would be like,

522
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,119
how much did you drink? And then I'd be like, oh,

523
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:29,640
I just had a couple of glasses, you know. Or

524
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,480
I'd be like, well, I was there for you know,

525
00:26:31,559 --> 00:26:35,400
I metabolized that over six hour or whatever. But you

526
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,559
know I was lying. I was. I was driving home

527
00:26:37,759 --> 00:26:41,240
like pretty drunk. You know. Yeah, same same story.

528
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,960
Speaker 1: I would go to the improv and do stand up

529
00:26:44,279 --> 00:26:46,079
and then get in my car and drive over the hill,

530
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,160
drive over Laurel Canyon after having probably like three big martinis.

531
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,799
You know, I would either do stand up or just

532
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:56,119
be there to hang out, drink some big drinks, drive home,

533
00:26:56,759 --> 00:26:58,920
and my husband's same thing would be and I would

534
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:00,799
say the same thing, no, but I had it earlier

535
00:27:00,839 --> 00:27:03,119
in the evening. I timed it out. I was fine

536
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:03,839
when I left.

537
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:08,039
Speaker 2: Yep, yep, yep, absolutely yeah, a lot of math in

538
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:11,960
my head. Okay, so when did so? Yeah?

539
00:27:12,039 --> 00:27:14,200
Speaker 1: So when did it start? It starts to ramp up

540
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:16,519
and then at the ambient at the same time.

541
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,519
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean the ambient, I think is what really

542
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,200
kind of took it over, you know, over into something else.

543
00:27:23,559 --> 00:27:26,720
And did you ever get it from a doctor or

544
00:27:26,799 --> 00:27:28,759
did you steal it all from your parents? No? No,

545
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,440
then I then I got it from a doctor, and

546
00:27:30,519 --> 00:27:32,759
I was, you know, just say it was a great

547
00:27:32,799 --> 00:27:34,559
story of like, oh, I'm an actor and I won't

548
00:27:34,599 --> 00:27:36,640
really take it, but I'll just have it around, you know.

549
00:27:36,799 --> 00:27:39,359
But then I would take it all. So and then

550
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:41,759
we do doctor shop because you usual, they're pretty night

551
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,359
on that. I know. I didn't get that far, so

552
00:27:44,559 --> 00:27:48,759
it wasn't like that, you know, that bad yet, so

553
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,240
like I could kind of hang in between, but like,

554
00:27:51,599 --> 00:27:53,519
you know, like I would do things like I was

555
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,079
working on, you know, a web series that I was writing,

556
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,119
and I was like, I need to go. I can't

557
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:00,640
be in our house in where on this I have

558
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,200
to go away, you know, and my and like I

559
00:28:03,279 --> 00:28:05,000
made it logical, so he was like, oh, yeah, just go,

560
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,400
you know. So I went to like a hotel, you know,

561
00:28:08,079 --> 00:28:10,200
like in Woodland Hills for a weekend, and I would

562
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,880
and I wrote during the day, like I wrote everything,

563
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,759
and then at night I would just like, you know,

564
00:28:14,599 --> 00:28:15,880
but no, and I was done, Like I call and

565
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,279
be like I'm done. I love you. And then I

566
00:28:17,319 --> 00:28:20,680
would like ambient wine cigarettes, like to the point where

567
00:28:20,759 --> 00:28:22,519
I was almost passing out, and I would just be like,

568
00:28:22,599 --> 00:28:24,759
you can't pass out. You can't pass out while you're

569
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,319
out by the pool. You have to get back in

570
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,559
the room, you know, just like crazy, like you know,

571
00:28:30,839 --> 00:28:33,279
it made sense at the time, and I was just like,

572
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,279
but actually, honestly, that was the first time that I

573
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,079
feel like I heard a voice in my head that

574
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,480
wasn't mine saying when I was like standing in front

575
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:44,400
of the wine, you know, before i'd gone checked into

576
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,279
the hotel, and I just really heard a voice kind

577
00:28:46,279 --> 00:28:48,319
of go like I think you have a problem, And

578
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,279
it was really like a distinct, like in my head,

579
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,279
like not me voice, and I was just like, yeah, probably, yeah,

580
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:57,240
but just deal with that later because I want to

581
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:58,079
have fun this weekend.

582
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,119
Speaker 1: So it's amazing that we think that's so fun though too,

583
00:29:02,599 --> 00:29:03,119
you know, I know.

584
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,079
Speaker 2: And that's the thing. It's like, it's such a sad

585
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:09,160
you know, because now you know, I don't know. It's

586
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:11,640
so weird, isn't it. Because my life is by by

587
00:29:11,759 --> 00:29:14,160
a lot of accounts, it's pretty boring. But I love

588
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,480
being in it. I love it. I love being present

589
00:29:16,599 --> 00:29:18,680
and I can do so much and it's just, you know,

590
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,640
it's something that I think back at that time, I

591
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,359
would have thought like, oh my god, I will kill

592
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,240
myself if I ever have that life, you know. But

593
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,079
I think it's just because I didn't know who I

594
00:29:29,279 --> 00:29:31,039
was at all at all. And I think that's the

595
00:29:31,079 --> 00:29:35,440
scariest thing for me about you know. I mean from

596
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:37,720
the time that I started drinking and using until the

597
00:29:37,799 --> 00:29:39,880
end and I was thirty nine when I stopped drinking.

598
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:41,880
You know, like, that's a long time to not know

599
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,599
who you are. It's a long time to you know,

600
00:29:44,839 --> 00:29:48,559
be looking around and feeling like you're, you know, just

601
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:51,319
faking it in literally every situation. You know.

602
00:29:51,799 --> 00:29:55,039
Speaker 1: It's well, I was forty two and already had three

603
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:59,640
kids and felt like I think for me, for me,

604
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:03,559
the thing is that I now want the life I had.

605
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:07,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I mean I can't. I feel like, you know,

606
00:30:07,759 --> 00:30:10,000
we're really lucky that we did it so early because

607
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:12,319
you know, I mean, we have such great relationships with

608
00:30:12,359 --> 00:30:16,759
our kids because we're so present, you know, but easily.

609
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,279
I mean, you know, I hear all the time people

610
00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:20,720
who are like, you know, well I drink because it

611
00:30:20,799 --> 00:30:22,200
was so dang boring, you know, like I had to

612
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,720
have a glass of wine to get through like the

613
00:30:23,839 --> 00:30:26,839
legos or to get through the whatever. And I totally

614
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,759
one hundred percent get that. Like I get it. You

615
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,519
know if I have, if I have, if I wasn't sober,

616
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,720
like that would have been me absolutely, you know, if

617
00:30:36,759 --> 00:30:41,000
I hadn't gotten sober before I had a kid, because yeah,

618
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,759
I mean there's times when you're just like.

619
00:30:45,559 --> 00:30:47,920
Speaker 1: Because that is the thing people don't realize though, is that,

620
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:52,200
Like I am not mad at anybody who's a mom

621
00:30:52,359 --> 00:30:55,680
who has kids and is like, I gotta I gotta

622
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,200
get a little drink in me before I play with

623
00:30:57,279 --> 00:30:58,559
a dollhouse, because who cares?

624
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, Because for me, it wouldn't be about like I

625
00:31:01,319 --> 00:31:03,480
just need to kind of unwind and be here. It's

626
00:31:03,599 --> 00:31:05,319
more like I just don't want to be here. I

627
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,079
just need to, you know, I just need to, Like

628
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,559
I'll I'll be here with my body and my voice

629
00:31:10,599 --> 00:31:12,720
and all this stuff like that'll be happening, but my

630
00:31:12,839 --> 00:31:15,400
brain will be so checked out and not engaged. And

631
00:31:15,519 --> 00:31:19,079
that's you know, everything Everything was like isn't this good enough?

632
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 3: Like yeah, I'm here, I showed up for the legos,

633
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:27,000
Like okay, come on, yeah yeah, so but now we

634
00:31:27,039 --> 00:31:30,000
don't have to worry. So okay, So take me back though,

635
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,960
So you're having ambient it's getting a little out of

636
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:36,559
control because you told me the when you tinkled in

637
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,119
the suitcase, it was bad, but you said that wasn't

638
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,200
your bottom, No, it was.

639
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:46,039
Speaker 2: Gosh, I don't even remember when that was, but it

640
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:49,319
was still months before, so my bottom was. And it's

641
00:31:49,359 --> 00:31:53,359
so funny that you had this in your trunks, you know,

642
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:56,720
when you're talking about John, that you had the the

643
00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:02,039
what was it the blow what did he call it? Nap? Cocknap? Yeah, yeah,

644
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:04,599
I was dining. Yeah I didn't take a cock nap,

645
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:12,319
but I apparently like I did some cock dozing. I

646
00:32:12,559 --> 00:32:14,279
just kind of nowed off a little bit. It was

647
00:32:14,319 --> 00:32:17,400
just like a nodding because it was our fourth wedding anniversary.

648
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,960
This is what this is what brought me into twelve step. Wow,

649
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,359
this is great. Uh huh yeah, so our fourth wedding anniversary.

650
00:32:24,519 --> 00:32:26,359
He's going to kill me for like putting this out

651
00:32:26,359 --> 00:32:27,480
in it. It's not his fault.

652
00:32:27,519 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 1: It makes you look bad, not him.

653
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:30,519
Speaker 2: I know he do.

654
00:32:30,799 --> 00:32:33,519
Speaker 1: He was just laying there probably exactly we're standing there.

655
00:32:33,559 --> 00:32:34,200
I don't know what he was.

656
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,880
Speaker 2: I don't remember. That's the problem. Was my first, true, true,

657
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,920
true black hour. I was like horrified the next day.

658
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:45,640
But so it was our anniversary, and uh we celebrated

659
00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:47,599
with a bottle of wine and he had like, you know,

660
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,559
half a glass and I had the whole rest of

661
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:51,559
So I was feeling pretty good on the way home,

662
00:32:52,119 --> 00:32:55,400
and then I make up some excuse about what I

663
00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:58,200
need in the office because I need to go take

664
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,680
an ambient And then I get back there and I'm like,

665
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,920
you know, I've been taking them for a while and

666
00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:06,680
one hasn't really been doing anything, so I probably should

667
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,480
take two. So I took too, and then like probably

668
00:33:09,519 --> 00:33:12,640
ten minutes later, I blacked out. Like all I remember

669
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,880
was him coming in to like I went back in

670
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:17,960
the house. I remember sitting down and then I remember,

671
00:33:19,359 --> 00:33:21,920
you know, Greg had like an anniversary card that my

672
00:33:22,039 --> 00:33:23,599
parents had sent me and we started to read it

673
00:33:23,599 --> 00:33:26,519
together and like that's the last I remember. And then

674
00:33:26,599 --> 00:33:32,039
the next morning I woke up and something was like

675
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,279
like I think I was like dressed or something like

676
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:36,799
there was something weird, and I was like, what happened

677
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,880
last night? And then he was like so happy and

678
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,000
he was like thank you for last night, and I

679
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:44,599
really was. I was like, what are you talking about?

680
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:48,000
And I think no. What I said was are you kidding?

681
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,279
And he was like are you kidding? Like you know?

682
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,680
And I was like that So like that's the moment, right,

683
00:33:53,759 --> 00:33:56,319
that's the moment where they say, like it wasn't like

684
00:33:56,519 --> 00:33:59,000
I didn't make the decision to tell the truth, like

685
00:33:59,519 --> 00:34:02,160
you know something. That was my moment of like, okay,

686
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,279
something else is happening, because I would have just said like, yeah,

687
00:34:06,279 --> 00:34:09,800
I'm totally kidding, like and just continued. But for whatever reason,

688
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:13,639
in that moment, I was like this is like, you know,

689
00:34:14,079 --> 00:34:17,960
this is the my fifty six year old brain Loos's words,

690
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,239
but anyway, like this is a this is the turning point, right, So.

691
00:34:22,159 --> 00:34:25,960
Speaker 1: So did you feel because I totally get this, but

692
00:34:26,119 --> 00:34:29,000
he's not mad. Was it just was it shame?

693
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:29,400
Speaker 2: Was it?

694
00:34:29,599 --> 00:34:33,800
Speaker 1: Like, Wow, I cannot believe I just don't remember the evening. Yeah,

695
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:34,679
that's scaring me.

696
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:40,039
Speaker 2: It was a combination of the fact that I remembered

697
00:34:40,159 --> 00:34:43,199
absolutely nothing, the fact that but I think the I

698
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,559
think it was really more about the fact that it

699
00:34:46,639 --> 00:34:49,719
was our anniversary and it was supposed to be you know,

700
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,599
the celebration and love and and I and you know,

701
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:56,199
and instead it was really clear cut like I didn't

702
00:34:56,239 --> 00:34:57,880
want to be with my husband. I wanted to be

703
00:34:58,679 --> 00:35:01,800
checked out, and I checked out so much overshot the mark,

704
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:05,599
as we say, right that I just had that all

705
00:35:05,639 --> 00:35:07,480
of the connection was severed, and it was just and

706
00:35:07,599 --> 00:35:09,440
I had been feeling, like I said, because it had

707
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:11,760
been escalating, I had been feeling more and more like

708
00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:13,639
that's where I want to be. I don't want to

709
00:35:13,679 --> 00:35:16,239
be with him. I just want to be sitting next

710
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,760
to him. But in my own ouch checked out head

711
00:35:20,039 --> 00:35:23,039
and so I just knew that was not going to

712
00:35:23,159 --> 00:35:25,519
go well, you know, because the thing about my husband

713
00:35:25,679 --> 00:35:28,480
is like he's so he's the best guy, but he

714
00:35:28,599 --> 00:35:31,039
also like he does not tolerate a lot of bullshits,

715
00:35:31,079 --> 00:35:35,599
So he he would have for a little bit, but

716
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:37,280
he wouldn't have for a long time, you know what

717
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,079
I mean. So I was just like, I'm going to lose.

718
00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:41,920
I'm going to lose all this and it's not going

719
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:44,400
to be good. So it was that was the moment

720
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:46,320
where I was just like, I think, I think I

721
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:47,280
need to reconcile this.

722
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:49,920
Speaker 1: So did you tell him right then and there?

723
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:56,360
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, they say he was really shocked. And then

724
00:35:56,559 --> 00:35:58,320
and I also told him, you know, because there was

725
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:02,239
so much do you know the forum of course, yeah,

726
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,639
So we had done that, I think the previous summer,

727
00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:09,199
and I think so I think, like the tinkling thing happened.

728
00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:11,039
And then we did the Landmark Forum, and I was

729
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,679
so depressed and I was just like anything, I will

730
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,559
try anything. So we do the Landmark Forum, and like

731
00:36:19,079 --> 00:36:20,960
in one of their little things, you have to like

732
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,440
tell the truth about everything. So I told him, like,

733
00:36:25,079 --> 00:36:28,440
I been stealing ambient from my parents, I've stole drugs

734
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:31,280
from you. I'm I'm like continuing to steal drugs from you.

735
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:32,960
So like if you have drugs in the house, you

736
00:36:33,079 --> 00:36:36,599
have to hide them. And he was like, oh, oh okay,

737
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,159
oh well, thank you for telling me, you know, thank

738
00:36:38,199 --> 00:36:41,239
you for being so honest. And then slowly, like over

739
00:36:41,639 --> 00:36:44,400
you know, the next few months, I realized that and

740
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:46,320
I told my parents too, but I realize all of

741
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:49,079
them are normal, so they don't really notice and they

742
00:36:49,119 --> 00:36:52,039
don't really understand. So, you know, my parents, I was like,

743
00:36:52,079 --> 00:36:53,639
you have to count your ambient. If I'm there, you

744
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,000
have to And then I realized, like they're not, it

745
00:36:56,079 --> 00:36:58,519
doesn't matter. So I just slowly started doing it again,

746
00:36:58,639 --> 00:37:00,880
right and then like my husb and would hide stuff

747
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,400
and I was like, the house is finite, you know,

748
00:37:03,519 --> 00:37:05,400
there's not a black hole you can put stuff in.

749
00:37:05,519 --> 00:37:08,400
So like Easter every day for you, You're like, okay,

750
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:13,519
the game, give me a basket. Yeah, so you know.

751
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,679
Speaker 1: So that's so then you so you said to him, uh,

752
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,800
well no, I'm up to my old tricks. Yeah. And

753
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:24,599
it's wild that you probably felt so nervous after doing

754
00:37:24,679 --> 00:37:27,159
this Landmark Forum thing and like I'm going to admit

755
00:37:27,239 --> 00:37:31,320
this and then you're like, wait, nobody's even that mad.

756
00:37:32,599 --> 00:37:36,639
Speaker 2: Exactly. And I was like, and that's why that's my problem.

757
00:37:36,679 --> 00:37:38,800
That's why I'm so sneaky. And that's what happened when

758
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,800
I relapsed too, because it's just that thing of like,

759
00:37:41,599 --> 00:37:46,960
you know, nobody around me really notices, you know, because

760
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,119
I can be super sneaky. So it's really not about

761
00:37:49,199 --> 00:37:51,400
how is it impacting my life and the people I love.

762
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:54,639
It's about, you know, how how I am and how

763
00:37:54,679 --> 00:37:58,519
I'm just not functioning in the world. You know, I'm

764
00:37:58,599 --> 00:38:01,159
just being like a.

765
00:38:04,159 --> 00:38:04,480
Speaker 1: Robot.

766
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, but what's the valley of the doll? One of

767
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,960
the ladies went, they'repord wife Depford wife.

768
00:38:10,039 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, well tell me what happened though, Okay, So you

769
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,320
so you're like, I'm done. I've gotta i gotta fix

770
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:18,159
this problem. I got to reconcile that as you say,

771
00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:19,920
what what's your next step? What'd you do?

772
00:38:21,119 --> 00:38:25,119
Speaker 2: I called somebody who I knew was in a twelve

773
00:38:25,159 --> 00:38:29,480
step program and it was not for ambion or alcohol,

774
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,000
but I was the only person that I knew, and

775
00:38:32,159 --> 00:38:35,039
he was like, okay, well and he didn't know either

776
00:38:35,079 --> 00:38:38,599
because he did because I was like, I'm having problems

777
00:38:38,679 --> 00:38:41,119
with these pills. And so he sent me to a

778
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:47,079
an NA meeting. So I go to this NA meeting

779
00:38:47,159 --> 00:38:48,800
like in the middle of the day. This is kind

780
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:54,880
of hardcore. I'm just picturing you. It was hilarious. It

781
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,079
was honestly, it was like a sketch. And that's the thing.

782
00:38:57,119 --> 00:38:58,639
At the time I even knew, I was like this

783
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,800
is weird, Like this feel like I'm because it was

784
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:06,679
me and like everybody else, uh yeah, there were no

785
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:08,519
other females. It was just me and a bunch of men,

786
00:39:08,639 --> 00:39:10,840
like a handful of men, maybe like seven or eight guys,

787
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:14,400
and like one guy who shared he was just like

788
00:39:14,599 --> 00:39:16,360
every other word about of his mouth was you know,

789
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,719
fucking this and that, but it was all solution, which

790
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,480
is hilarious. And he's just like, I don't fucking know,

791
00:39:20,519 --> 00:39:22,440
I don't understand my fucking higher power. But all I

792
00:39:22,559 --> 00:39:24,400
do is I just wake them where I fucking prey

793
00:39:24,519 --> 00:39:27,239
and I do the deal and it fucking works, and

794
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,159
I don't fucking know why. You know, it was hilarious,

795
00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:31,079
and I was like okay. And then there was like

796
00:39:31,199 --> 00:39:35,159
a guy like who was uh probably I don't know

797
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:36,760
what he was on in the corner, and then he

798
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,599
raised his hand and he like mumbled his entire share

799
00:39:39,639 --> 00:39:41,679
and you could not hear any words that he said,

800
00:39:41,719 --> 00:39:43,320
except every once in a while you could hear like

801
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:48,239
magic back. And then you're still and it was really

802
00:39:49,039 --> 00:39:51,159
like you know, at the time, even I was like,

803
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:55,559
this is like a comedy sketch, and then you know,

804
00:39:55,679 --> 00:39:58,840
this is how like insecure I am so at the end,

805
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:01,480
I go up and because I took a newcomer Chip

806
00:40:02,159 --> 00:40:05,280
and uh, I was leaving and somebody came up to me,

807
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,559
you know, and he's like some like hardcore tatted up guy.

808
00:40:08,559 --> 00:40:10,199
You know, he's probably like a Chrystal apect. I have

809
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:13,039
no idea, and he was like, hey, you got a

810
00:40:13,159 --> 00:40:18,400
day and I go Day's not over yet. Man, I

811
00:40:18,599 --> 00:40:21,519
love it. Did he laugh or was he No? He

812
00:40:21,639 --> 00:40:25,159
probably was you were kidding. I was earnestly trying to

813
00:40:25,199 --> 00:40:27,320
fit in, right. I was like, oh, you know like

814
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,000
god willing. Yeah yeah, I mean I know he's just

815
00:40:31,039 --> 00:40:32,360
gonna go home to my husband and go to bed.

816
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:35,639
But you know, this is I was like, I have

817
00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:38,199
to justify why I'm here. I'm so tough. Yeah so

818
00:40:38,559 --> 00:40:42,360
so then what so? Then? And it's funny because then

819
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:45,760
I my friend who had called. He said that he

820
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:49,960
hung up the phone because his wife is uh, twelve

821
00:40:50,039 --> 00:40:51,920
step from him, and he's like, I sent her to

822
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,920
NA and she was like, why did you do? He's like,

823
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,280
I don't know. I thought that's because she said she

824
00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,320
like pills. It seemed like that was more narcotic. And

825
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:01,480
she was like oh no, and she was like, well,

826
00:41:01,599 --> 00:41:06,559
she'll figure it out. So luckily I did. How'd you

827
00:41:06,599 --> 00:41:07,119
figure it out?

828
00:41:07,199 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 1: So did you call someone else? Well?

829
00:41:09,679 --> 00:41:14,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, so yeah, so my Jane is my eskimo. She

830
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:18,880
gets me like somebody, so yeah, she'll be before you. Yeah, okay, okay. So,

831
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:22,000
so Jane had told me that she was going to

832
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:25,440
some meetings and she's a director, so I assumed they

833
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,840
were just all, you know, meetings about projects and then

834
00:41:31,159 --> 00:41:33,039
and then at one point she told me what they

835
00:41:33,119 --> 00:41:35,760
were and I was like huh. And so then I

836
00:41:36,039 --> 00:41:39,239
think I called her and I was like, I I

837
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:42,239
want to go to your meetings with you. So although

838
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:44,320
there were a couple I went to. At first, I

839
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:48,320
think so my friend he was in a different program,

840
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,239
but I think he was also I think he was

841
00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:51,760
also an Allen And this sounds like a very Allen

842
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:55,079
one thing because he told me a you know, look

843
00:41:55,119 --> 00:41:57,800
for the similarities, not the differences, and he said there's

844
00:41:57,840 --> 00:41:59,880
going to be a lot of talk about God and

845
00:42:00,079 --> 00:42:02,639
if that freaks you out, then just know it can

846
00:42:02,719 --> 00:42:05,239
be anything. It's it's just you know, a power grader

847
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,280
than yourself, and one other person can be a power

848
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:10,519
greater than yourself. So just like, don't let that throw

849
00:42:10,559 --> 00:42:12,159
you if that's something you're not into. And then he

850
00:42:12,199 --> 00:42:14,079
also said and go I think he said go to

851
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,559
six meetings. And I don't know where he got that number,

852
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,840
and I've got said maybe he did. I just pull that.

853
00:42:21,199 --> 00:42:23,400
He's like, I gotta say more than one, because one

854
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:25,800
you're not going to go back, but like the seven

855
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,679
is a whole week. That seems like too much of

856
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:32,639
a commitment. Fine would be like, yeah, I feel like

857
00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:33,440
the sixth.

858
00:42:33,199 --> 00:42:34,559
Speaker 1: One will do it that it'll kick in.

859
00:42:35,079 --> 00:42:37,039
Speaker 2: Yeah, that'll be like me, if she goes to six,

860
00:42:37,119 --> 00:42:39,880
she'll want to go to the seven. So so yeah,

861
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:42,039
so he said just go to go to six at least,

862
00:42:42,079 --> 00:42:44,159
and so I did. And then at some point it

863
00:42:44,239 --> 00:42:46,480
called Jane and you know, and then I went to

864
00:42:46,639 --> 00:42:51,000
like this meeting that I still go to now where

865
00:42:51,039 --> 00:42:54,519
I heard somebody share about ambient and I didn't know

866
00:42:54,639 --> 00:42:56,039
that was a thing. I thought it was only me,

867
00:42:56,239 --> 00:42:58,639
of course, like we always think it's only yes, Like

868
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,760
you're the only one that ever drove drunk with kids

869
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:02,719
in your car and I'm the only person that ever

870
00:43:03,079 --> 00:43:07,760
abused ambient and yeah, so yeah, so that was and.

871
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:10,320
Speaker 1: Then and then things were then you were like off

872
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:12,400
to the races sober.

873
00:43:13,559 --> 00:43:14,199
Speaker 2: Yes you were.

874
00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,360
Speaker 1: You did pretty good job. We were friends, We hung out.

875
00:43:17,519 --> 00:43:20,360
I want to do Wait, what's your what's your date?

876
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,320
May twenty second, two thousand and nine.

877
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:29,760
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, so, and my I originally was in January.

878
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,360
Originally it was Yeah, originally it was June thirteenth, two

879
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,519
thousand and eight. And then I went out on one

880
00:43:35,599 --> 00:43:38,480
ambient that I got that I stole from my brother

881
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:41,760
in law's medicine cabinet, like four months late, like right

882
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:43,360
before I had nine months. I did that and then

883
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,280
I reset, And so that's when we met, because I

884
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:48,840
had February okay, okay, and two thousand and nine. So

885
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,440
then things went along and you're like doing the deal.

886
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:56,159
Speaker 1: And I mean, the relapse happened just because, like you say,

887
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,559
you know, I just wanted to talk about this for

888
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:02,800
like a second. Uh heard this in a meeting recently

889
00:44:03,559 --> 00:44:07,639
about the shame of relapsing, you know, And the only

890
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:12,360
reason that we even have a relapse is because we're sober.

891
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,239
So I feel like that's kind of a win in

892
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,519
and of itself, you know, instead of the shame of like,

893
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:20,000
oh and then I did this thing again. It's like, yeah,

894
00:44:20,079 --> 00:44:22,440
this thing that you were doing every single day for

895
00:44:22,639 --> 00:44:25,360
years and years and years until you had the courage

896
00:44:25,519 --> 00:44:27,800
and you figured out a way to stop doing it,

897
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:28,440
you know what I mean?

898
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:30,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh yeah, absolutely, And I mean that is the

899
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,840
great thing too, though, You're right, because we don't shoot

900
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:35,519
our wounded. So I mean, I think, you know, it's

901
00:44:35,679 --> 00:44:37,639
I think it's a shame that we perpetuate for ourselves

902
00:44:37,679 --> 00:44:40,440
because when I came in, like nobody was anything but

903
00:44:40,559 --> 00:44:42,320
kind to me, and there were people that honestly I

904
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,039
didn't really think liked me that would come up and

905
00:44:44,079 --> 00:44:45,639
give me a hugs and say they were so glad

906
00:44:45,679 --> 00:44:47,519
that I was back, and I was just like, oh, oh,

907
00:44:47,719 --> 00:44:50,920
you know, like because the world revolves around us, right,

908
00:44:51,039 --> 00:44:53,519
so about me? So I think everybody's gonna hate me,

909
00:44:53,599 --> 00:44:56,239
and I think i'll you know, but I learned, so

910
00:44:56,599 --> 00:44:59,920
I'm actually, you know, I'm glad I relapsed because I

911
00:45:00,039 --> 00:45:02,000
I wouldn't have had the program that I have now

912
00:45:02,039 --> 00:45:03,840
because I think what was happening was well, there were

913
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:07,519
two things one I was I was still sort of

914
00:45:07,599 --> 00:45:09,760
in that mind frame of like, well, I'll just you know,

915
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:11,719
I check off these things and I'm doing them all right,

916
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:13,320
and as long as i'm doing them all right, I'll

917
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:17,400
just stay sober, right, but which you can do. But there's,

918
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:20,119
you know, there's more to it. So like I didn't

919
00:45:20,199 --> 00:45:24,039
really have any sort of higher power, you know, I

920
00:45:24,159 --> 00:45:27,000
was just I was sort of like I'm just showing up.

921
00:45:27,039 --> 00:45:28,800
I'm just doing this, I'm just doing that and check

922
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:32,559
check check check check. But the main thing for me

923
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:36,000
was just the ego, the breaking down of the ego, like,

924
00:45:36,119 --> 00:45:39,679
you know, because I had I was so insecure for

925
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:43,440
so long, and then I came out here and you know,

926
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,280
for the first time, I had this job that was

927
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:49,239
like fulfilling this need that I had ever since I

928
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:51,719
was a kid for like attention, and oh look I'm

929
00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:53,920
part of something big and you know, and it wasn't

930
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,320
something that I created, but I was helping. So I

931
00:45:56,480 --> 00:46:00,480
was like adjunct to this big deal thing, right, and

932
00:46:00,679 --> 00:46:05,639
so I was so miserable doing it, but I couldn't

933
00:46:06,159 --> 00:46:10,440
stop it because I was still getting my hit, you know,

934
00:46:10,679 --> 00:46:12,599
of like we'd go to comic Con and it would

935
00:46:12,599 --> 00:46:14,519
be like a huge deal and I'd be you know,

936
00:46:15,039 --> 00:46:18,119
the intoxicating, right it was. I would get to feel

937
00:46:18,159 --> 00:46:21,480
intoxicated by all this like adjunct fame and all these

938
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:23,519
people going like, oh, you're part of this thing, and

939
00:46:23,679 --> 00:46:27,519
that was really like I have a hard time with

940
00:46:27,639 --> 00:46:30,880
it still, Like that's that's part of why I can't

941
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:32,599
do stand up anymore. It's part of why I'm just

942
00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:37,000
focusing on like figuring out my schedule to just you know,

943
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:40,519
get my kid fed and exercise and things like that.

944
00:46:40,679 --> 00:46:43,480
Because if I have like this inkling of like I'm

945
00:46:43,559 --> 00:46:47,280
gonna maybe somebody's going to notice me, it Like that's

946
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,719
an addiction too for me. I can't just be like, oh, yeah,

947
00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:51,000
I'm just going to do the work and then if

948
00:46:51,039 --> 00:46:51,920
something happens great.

949
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:52,280
Speaker 1: It's like.

950
00:46:54,039 --> 00:46:56,000
Speaker 2: If you do the work, then you'll get really pay

951
00:46:56,039 --> 00:46:58,000
miss and then everybody will know, you know. I mean,

952
00:46:58,039 --> 00:47:00,480
it's just like it just grows so fast me and

953
00:47:00,599 --> 00:47:03,239
I get it. It's gross. I don't like it and

954
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:07,400
it scares me. So it just because it feels like

955
00:47:07,559 --> 00:47:09,960
part of my disease definitely. So that's that's a big

956
00:47:10,039 --> 00:47:12,679
deal of why I relapsed, I think is because I

957
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:16,599
really hadn't worked all that out of my system, if

958
00:47:16,639 --> 00:47:20,519
that makes sense. And so when I went out and

959
00:47:20,599 --> 00:47:22,159
then I and then I knew that I was out,

960
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:26,679
it wasn't like I don't know, I wasn't in a

961
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:28,840
healthy I guess you're never in a healthy place when

962
00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:31,119
you go out. But it's like, I feel like I

963
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:35,840
had never even corrected that part of what was broken

964
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,320
in me. You know. It's like I was just doing

965
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:41,519
all the things, checking all the boxes, and just still

966
00:47:41,639 --> 00:47:44,880
dragging that baggage behind me instead of like, you know,

967
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:47,079
the point of working the steps is that you get

968
00:47:47,199 --> 00:47:48,639
rid of you know, you take the inventory and you

969
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:51,480
get rid of that stuff, right right. I don't think

970
00:47:51,519 --> 00:47:54,360
I had really been willing to look at it and

971
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:58,119
really understand it for what it was until I didn't

972
00:47:58,119 --> 00:48:00,719
have it anymore. And then because I really was, it

973
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,199
this place of like, oh my god, I don't have

974
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:05,440
this anymore. So now again I don't know who I am.

975
00:48:05,599 --> 00:48:08,559
I don't have an identity because people would be like, so,

976
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:10,360
you're you're not doing that anymore, but I bet you

977
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:12,360
have like a big project, right and I bet you

978
00:48:12,679 --> 00:48:14,320
you're gonna do this big thing. And I was like

979
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:17,159
I feel like nothing and nobody because I don't have

980
00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:18,719
a big thing and I don't know what I'm doing,

981
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:21,960
and I felt like I was, you know, faking it

982
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:25,800
through that whole thing. So were you?

983
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,280
Speaker 1: I hate to open up a whole other topic, but

984
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:32,440
I'm just curious. Were you in the process of like

985
00:48:32,559 --> 00:48:33,920
trying to have a baby at.

986
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:38,800
Speaker 2: That point too? Yes, so yeah, maybe that played into

987
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:42,159
it as well. Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent. I mean

988
00:48:42,519 --> 00:48:45,719
there was so much happening, so yes, you're right, I was.

989
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:53,440
I guess it was around two thousand and six, like

990
00:48:53,559 --> 00:48:56,119
I called you because you had you know, I asked

991
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,320
for your doctor recommendation. I think it was around two

992
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,920
thousand and six or no, wait, no, we didn't know

993
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:03,440
each other then, so no, I didn't get sober till nine.

994
00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:07,920
I must have. I think I changed doctors at some

995
00:49:08,079 --> 00:49:10,320
point because I had been doing it before I met you,

996
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:11,719
and then I and then I met you, and I

997
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:15,559
changed doctors. So yeah, I mean that's such a hard

998
00:49:15,599 --> 00:49:18,280
thing to deal with as well. You know, as you know,

999
00:49:19,079 --> 00:49:21,480
I don't know how many times you did.

1000
00:49:21,360 --> 00:49:24,159
Speaker 1: You because she did not have any No, I you

1001
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:26,559
might have me confused because I didn't use I didn't.

1002
00:49:26,719 --> 00:49:29,519
Speaker 2: I just got pregnant. I think you were those people

1003
00:49:29,559 --> 00:49:32,079
that irritates people. I think that's right. I forgot that.

1004
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:34,400
I read that. I knew that because of your book,

1005
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:37,079
but I think you gave me the name of somebody

1006
00:49:37,199 --> 00:49:40,000
that was like everybody was using. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

1007
00:49:40,079 --> 00:49:43,199
My sister in law was like a rock star fertility guy.

1008
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:45,079
Yeah that's who it was. Yeah, that's what it was.

1009
00:49:45,199 --> 00:49:49,360
So so I did switch over, but yeah, but I

1010
00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:51,400
had been doing it for a few years before that

1011
00:49:51,559 --> 00:49:53,440
as well, trying and failing.

1012
00:49:53,719 --> 00:49:57,840
Speaker 1: So yeah, and then you finally what so did you

1013
00:49:58,159 --> 00:50:04,519
adopt Charlie after your laps or before obviously after?

1014
00:50:04,599 --> 00:50:08,320
Speaker 2: Okay? Yeah, so my new Friday Day is twenty thirteen

1015
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:15,039
October fifteen, twenty thirteen, and we adopted him in twenty sixteen, okay. Yeah,

1016
00:50:15,159 --> 00:50:17,920
And it was one of those things like I knew,

1017
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:21,159
I knew that I wasn't technically supposed to like do

1018
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:24,079
anything big in the first year, you know, year back,

1019
00:50:24,159 --> 00:50:29,159
but I started the adoption process anyway because I just like,

1020
00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:31,920
it's you got to do this. So but it was

1021
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:35,239
a really long process, like I basically, you know, we

1022
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:39,400
looked around at places in twenty thirteen, and then I

1023
00:50:39,559 --> 00:50:43,679
think in twenty fourteen, I was like, no, I actually

1024
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:45,000
really want to do it. And then we took a

1025
00:50:45,079 --> 00:50:49,440
whole year. I don't know, the timeline's weird, but anyway,

1026
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:51,440
it took a long time for us to kind of

1027
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:54,000
get it all together. And then we went live in

1028
00:50:54,119 --> 00:50:58,679
twenty fifteen, and then we matched in the October of

1029
00:50:58,760 --> 00:51:04,320
twenty fifteen, and he's nine, Right, how did that happen?

1030
00:51:05,199 --> 00:51:06,039
That's amazing.

1031
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,199
Speaker 1: Look at your life now.

1032
00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:10,559
Speaker 2: I know. And I have to say, you know, it's

1033
00:51:10,599 --> 00:51:12,880
funny because sometimes I'm like, well, I have a problem

1034
00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:15,480
with higher power stuff, But I when I really think

1035
00:51:15,519 --> 00:51:17,639
about it, like, you know, I did have a very

1036
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,280
powerful experience when I was waiting for Charlie, you know,

1037
00:51:21,599 --> 00:51:24,920
because you know, my brain was just spinning and saying

1038
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,679
you're not gonna You're not gonna get this, or it's

1039
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,599
gonna be wrong, or it's gonna hate you or you

1040
00:51:29,639 --> 00:51:32,559
know all this stuff, and so like, I, you know,

1041
00:51:33,119 --> 00:51:34,800
did what we're supposed to do. It. I got him

1042
00:51:34,840 --> 00:51:36,280
in news and I prayed about it, and I just

1043
00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:39,280
got this message of like, how do you know it's

1044
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,320
not going to be exactly what you want it to be,

1045
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:45,440
which is a weird. I mean, it wasn't like blasted

1046
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:47,519
into my head like that, but that's just kind of

1047
00:51:48,559 --> 00:51:50,400
like the message I got, Like like, who are you

1048
00:51:50,519 --> 00:51:55,679
to say that it's going to be wrong in all

1049
00:51:55,719 --> 00:52:00,400
these ways? Like couldn't it just be exactly the way

1050
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:02,119
that you think it's going to be? So but it

1051
00:52:02,280 --> 00:52:04,639
was just it sounds dumb when I try to talk

1052
00:52:04,679 --> 00:52:07,440
about it, because it was a very spiritual experience, but

1053
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:11,199
like I just got it at that point. I was like, right, right,

1054
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:13,159
it's not it's not up to me, and something else

1055
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:15,679
is doing it, and that's something just told me it's

1056
00:52:15,679 --> 00:52:18,079
going to be okay, and and then it did turn

1057
00:52:18,119 --> 00:52:19,800
out exactly the way I wanted it to be, So

1058
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,920
that's so weird, which I also you know, I also

1059
00:52:23,079 --> 00:52:25,159
say like I don't I don't believe in Santa Claus God.

1060
00:52:25,199 --> 00:52:26,719
I don't believe like you know, he gives me a

1061
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:27,679
parking space.

1062
00:52:27,519 --> 00:52:32,920
Speaker 3: And in front of you sometimes he does, but okay, yeah, okay,

1063
00:52:33,159 --> 00:52:34,159
all right, maybe he does.

1064
00:52:34,599 --> 00:52:38,840
Speaker 2: But so I don't think it's like that. But I

1065
00:52:39,039 --> 00:52:41,960
just feel like whatever whatever machinations are working that we

1066
00:52:42,039 --> 00:52:46,079
plug into, like I got a good message that day.

1067
00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:47,360
I feel like.

1068
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:52,599
Speaker 1: What my higher power does is helps me do things

1069
00:52:52,719 --> 00:52:55,159
despite the fear. So I think I think for me,

1070
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:56,599
fear gets in my way a lot.

1071
00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:00,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, the funny thing is with with

1072
00:53:00,400 --> 00:53:03,760
my sons, it was even more than that because the

1073
00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:06,880
woman who ended up being his birth mom is adopted,

1074
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:12,079
and I'm adopted and Charlie's adopted, so this whole and

1075
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:16,000
you know, I was adopted from Seoul, South Korea when

1076
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:18,800
I was like fourteen months old, so you know, I

1077
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:21,519
don't have any records, and I've been told that, you know,

1078
00:53:21,559 --> 00:53:22,840
if you spend a lot of money in a lot

1079
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:25,639
of time, you possibly could figure out more stuff. But

1080
00:53:26,159 --> 00:53:27,880
ever since I was a kid, my parents were like,

1081
00:53:28,119 --> 00:53:31,480
these are all the records that we have, so we'd

1082
00:53:31,559 --> 00:53:34,320
help you more. Like they were never like how dare you?

1083
00:53:34,559 --> 00:53:36,280
Or you know, they're always very open about it. So

1084
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:38,800
I think the way that my brain always processed it

1085
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:40,840
was like, oh, okay, well I guess I can never know,

1086
00:53:41,039 --> 00:53:43,199
so that's off the table, you know, Like I just

1087
00:53:43,360 --> 00:53:45,760
it was fine. I didn't really think about it. But

1088
00:53:46,079 --> 00:53:50,320
there's something about having this little trifecta of me and

1089
00:53:50,719 --> 00:53:53,679
Charlie's birth mom and Charlie all being adopted that has

1090
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:58,960
like settled something that I didn't know was unsettled, you know,

1091
00:54:00,599 --> 00:54:04,719
ill until it happened. So but yeah, it's just been

1092
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:09,400
really wild because I mean it's just so perfect and people,

1093
00:54:09,559 --> 00:54:11,800
you know, I get it when people don't adopt, they

1094
00:54:12,159 --> 00:54:15,079
I'm so sorry I turned my stuff off when people

1095
00:54:16,519 --> 00:54:19,960
when people who haven't adopted, I think the biggest fear

1096
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:25,119
for them from them is like are you what if

1097
00:54:25,480 --> 00:54:28,800
what if she changes her mind or what if Like

1098
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:32,440
isn't it weird that like if you're still in touch

1099
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:35,719
with her, which we are, Like what if she decides

1100
00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:38,239
that she you know, And it's like I get that

1101
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:42,519
that might be a feeling if you haven't been adopted,

1102
00:54:42,559 --> 00:54:45,119
But since I was adopted, like my parents were always

1103
00:54:45,199 --> 00:54:48,400
just my parents period into story and so and that's

1104
00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:51,239
the same with Charlie's birth mom, Like you know, her

1105
00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:55,000
mom's just been her mom. It's not like you know, so,

1106
00:54:55,760 --> 00:55:01,360
so there's just this you know, implicit understanding like I'm

1107
00:55:01,400 --> 00:55:03,440
his mom and she's his birth mom and that's okay,

1108
00:55:03,639 --> 00:55:03,880
you know.

1109
00:55:04,039 --> 00:55:08,239
Speaker 1: And it's there's no like weird crossover. So and that's

1110
00:55:08,559 --> 00:55:12,079
just such a beautiful, like like it sounds healing. Yeah,

1111
00:55:12,360 --> 00:55:13,320
that it happened that way.

1112
00:55:14,079 --> 00:55:16,519
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really healing for me. I think it's really

1113
00:55:16,599 --> 00:55:19,000
healing for her. I think initially she was thinking like

1114
00:55:19,119 --> 00:55:22,440
maybe she you know, because we were like, whatever you

1115
00:55:22,639 --> 00:55:24,039
want to do, Like we would love to have an

1116
00:55:24,079 --> 00:55:26,320
open adoption, but if you decide that that's just you know,

1117
00:55:26,559 --> 00:55:29,039
not something that you're interested in, we totally get it.

1118
00:55:29,199 --> 00:55:30,960
And she was like, I need to kind of think

1119
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:34,360
about it. But we got to hang out together when

1120
00:55:34,400 --> 00:55:37,679
he was born while we waited for like paperwork, so

1121
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:40,039
you know, she would come over to the house that

1122
00:55:40,119 --> 00:55:42,440
we were at every day and like be with us,

1123
00:55:42,480 --> 00:55:43,800
and so we got to know each other a little.

1124
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:45,760
And then she decided she wanted to come when he

1125
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:48,119
was like six months old, and then you know, she

1126
00:55:48,239 --> 00:55:50,360
was like, maybe I'll just come once. But then after

1127
00:55:50,480 --> 00:55:52,559
that she was like, yeah, no, you know, so we

1128
00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:55,760
we haven't seen her in a while. But it's just

1129
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:59,559
because like life since the pandemic seems so bizarre. It's like, oh,

1130
00:56:00,079 --> 00:56:02,320
we haven't seen her since that's been five years, and

1131
00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:03,920
now that's that's a long time.

1132
00:56:04,079 --> 00:56:07,920
Speaker 1: Yeah that's crazy. Yeah, maybe that's just how it's supposed

1133
00:56:07,920 --> 00:56:10,159
to be for her, Like maybe she needed to do

1134
00:56:10,320 --> 00:56:12,880
that to like because she's like, well, I'm.

1135
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:17,360
Speaker 2: Not his mom, mm hmm, yeah, so but she's seen

1136
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:20,360
him you know, several times, you know, before then and

1137
00:56:20,440 --> 00:56:22,880
then we you know, we're still in touch and these

1138
00:56:22,920 --> 00:56:25,480
pictures all the time, and you know the text and.

1139
00:56:26,360 --> 00:56:31,280
Speaker 1: So well, this has been so fun and uh, I

1140
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:34,960
loved having this conversation with you. And and it's funny

1141
00:56:35,039 --> 00:56:37,119
because you know, I think I know a lot of

1142
00:56:37,199 --> 00:56:39,159
your story, but a lot of it felt kind of

1143
00:56:39,199 --> 00:56:39,559
new to me.

1144
00:56:39,840 --> 00:56:43,119
Speaker 2: I mean, I know that you a, yeah, yeah, it did.

1145
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:43,719
It did.

1146
00:56:44,679 --> 00:56:46,480
Speaker 1: And it's so cool to have people like we've been

1147
00:56:46,519 --> 00:56:49,159
in each other's lives since, you know, we first got sober,

1148
00:56:49,920 --> 00:56:54,320
and it's nice to have that. I think it's it's

1149
00:56:54,440 --> 00:56:56,880
not rare, not in the circles that we run in,

1150
00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:01,480
but it's rare, I think in general for people to

1151
00:57:01,599 --> 00:57:05,000
get this and then just keep seeing each other grow

1152
00:57:05,599 --> 00:57:09,199
and change. And like, you know, I think we're both

1153
00:57:09,280 --> 00:57:11,480
pretty different than we were when we first got in.

1154
00:57:12,119 --> 00:57:15,039
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, amazingly so. And you know, and it's funny

1155
00:57:15,079 --> 00:57:16,639
to think back about, you know, the people that we

1156
00:57:16,719 --> 00:57:20,400
were with and some people, you know, I don't know

1157
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,280
if there's over or not, or some people have moved

1158
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:25,320
and some people you know, So it's just it's really cool.

1159
00:57:25,599 --> 00:57:26,559
I know, I know.

1160
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:29,760
Speaker 1: Well, thank you, Kim, and so tell us where can

1161
00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:32,400
we find Do you have any writing online?

1162
00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:36,440
Speaker 2: Do you have a sub stack? Are you doing medium? I?

1163
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:39,599
You know what, you'll have to put it in your intro. Okay,

1164
00:57:40,159 --> 00:57:42,960
I honestly don't remember. I kind of stopped doing social

1165
00:57:43,039 --> 00:57:47,880
media after I stopped doing stand up. So okay, that's okay,

1166
00:57:48,039 --> 00:57:51,760
you're enough. You are enough, so I'm enough. But no,

1167
00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:55,119
I do have like I either have a substack or medium,

1168
00:57:55,119 --> 00:57:56,320
but I can't remember which one it is.

1169
00:57:56,760 --> 00:57:59,840
Speaker 1: Okay, well, your writing is very brilliant, so I'm going

1170
00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:02,519
to figure out how to turn people onto it either way.

1171
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:07,280
Speaker 2: All right, thank you for being here, Thanks, thanks for

1172
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:07,679
having me.

1173
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:10,519
Speaker 1: Bye, Line, it is.

1174
00:58:10,639 --> 00:58:13,719
Speaker 2: Gotting me feeling Line is good?

1175
00:58:14,599 --> 00:58:15,599
Speaker 1: Is good again?

1176
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:19,440
Speaker 3: I just good love

1177
00:58:23,079 --> 00:58:26,280
Speaker 2: Yet my god, time you got me