WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.240 The loft was never truly quiet, not even at two 2 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:08.439 in the morning, when the world outside felt hollowed out. 3 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:11.400 I'd been sitting there at our long kitchen table, fingers 4 00:00:11.400 --> 00:00:13.919 wrapped around a chipmunk of herbaltiquun cold, pretending to be 5 00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:16.199 absorbed in my own sketch, but a page stayed blank. 6 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:18.960 I'd left the life low and waited for Nathan's key 7 00:00:18.960 --> 00:00:21.199 in the door, already rehearsing what I'd say whenever he 8 00:00:21.280 --> 00:00:23.839 finally made it back from trivia. Maybe I'd make a 9 00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.239 joke about him becoming an honorary history and tease him 10 00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:28.519 about the time he'd confused how Vetiko Aeriel in front 11 00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:32.159 of his college friends. Something easy, light, familiar. But even 12 00:00:32.200 --> 00:00:34.119 before the lock clicked, even before the shush of his 13 00:00:34.119 --> 00:00:37.039 sneakers against the mat, my lines had curdled into something else. 14 00:00:37.799 --> 00:00:40.439 Nathan came in, half laughing, half whispering, his pham blade 15 00:00:40.439 --> 00:00:43.079 bright in his hand. He caught himself a mid text, 16 00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:45.640 I guessed, amid scrawl, and cradled at his chest as 17 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:49.159 though the glowing screen might betray him. I think he said, Hey, Cass, 18 00:00:49.240 --> 00:00:51.920 but the words barely reached me, ending in a low hum. 19 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:53.719 He darted a quick look at the spare room, the 20 00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:55.439 way he always did when he planned to do more 21 00:00:55.479 --> 00:00:57.359 work at this hour, then dropped his phone into his 22 00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:00.320 jackets in a pocket. That's when I noticed the skeitch 23 00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:03.039 poked up beneath his arm, black slightly freed at one corner. 24 00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:05.640 Not one of the moleskinds we'd accumulated over the years 25 00:01:05.640 --> 00:01:09.120 with our lives un lists and thumbnail scribbles. Something new, 26 00:01:09.799 --> 00:01:11.799 and he knew I'd clocked it. He siffened, gave this 27 00:01:11.879 --> 00:01:14.280 weird half grin, and slipped it inside his back back 28 00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.480 Before I could say anything. Trivia ran long, he said, 29 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:20.519 voice casual to the point of forest. There was this hole, 30 00:01:20.680 --> 00:01:22.640 like a debate over whether future is over use or 31 00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:25.439 just you know, a conic, total nonsense. How was your night, 32 00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:29.319 I shrugged, lonely. I guess I tried to finish that 33 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:32.120 brewery logo, but the Klin wants five rounds of revisions. 34 00:01:32.120 --> 00:01:34.079 In my eyes, hairt you guys must have butten really 35 00:01:34.120 --> 00:01:36.239 into it if you needed a whole panel discussion on fonts. 36 00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:39.000 Ha I in for teasing, but he ducked it, answering 37 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:42.439 with the distracted classic agency stuff. He smelled finly, of 38 00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:44.879 elderflower occur and the kind of cologne he only spreads 39 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:48.239 on bigrutenis a bit of a ritual that looking shop 40 00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:51.120 for the outside world. He started fiddling with the mail 41 00:01:51.159 --> 00:01:54.200 as if it were suddenly fascinating. A minute of silence. 42 00:01:54.920 --> 00:01:57.079 Then I'm wipe. I've got to polish something up for 43 00:01:57.120 --> 00:01:59.159 a meeting tomorrow morning. I promised i'd lock it before 44 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:01.040 I sleep. You O care if I use the spare room. 45 00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:04.319 That should have been normal, both of us night els, 46 00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:08.080 at times rushing to meet deadlines. But Nathan's keys trembled 47 00:02:08.120 --> 00:02:09.759 a little too much as he headed down the hall. 48 00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:12.159 I wanted to call after him, ask about the new 49 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:14.439 sketchbook or what made tonight so different, but my joy 50 00:02:14.479 --> 00:02:17.280 refused to co operate. Only after I heard the soft 51 00:02:17.319 --> 00:02:18.879 click of the spare room door did I flip off 52 00:02:18.919 --> 00:02:21.080 the kitchen light and catch out of the corner of 53 00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:23.159 my eye that small glow again Nathan's phone light, and 54 00:02:23.240 --> 00:02:25.319 up through the mesh of his back, back the notification 55 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:28.840 bars showing only in emoji. I couldn't tell which one 56 00:02:28.919 --> 00:02:31.599 he stayed up past three. I think I drifted to 57 00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:34.400 sleep alone, listening for the creak of the floorboards, and 58 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:36.759 tried to convince myself that we'd both just gotten busy 59 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:40.840 stretched then the wacreate of life sometimes demanded. Everyone says 60 00:02:40.840 --> 00:02:43.639 freelancing is just periods of feasts, then famine, but nobody 61 00:02:43.639 --> 00:02:45.680 warns you about the gray stretches in between, when the 62 00:02:45.719 --> 00:02:47.879 closeness you've built on the couch or over paint spatter 63 00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:51.639 brunch plates gets buried beneath project deadlines and exhaustion. As 64 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:53.520 I lay there listening to the soft tap of his 65 00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:56.000 pencil through the wall, I wondered where he was sketching. 66 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:58.919 For the first time in six years. I couldn't picture 67 00:02:58.919 --> 00:03:00.919 it for a while. Well, our loft had been an 68 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:04.879 ecosystem of overlapping projects, half Anish draft swirling between us. 69 00:03:05.560 --> 00:03:07.639 When we first met six years ago at the Egg 70 00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:10.520 conference in Seattle, I'd laughed at Nathan Sho's immaculate white 71 00:03:10.520 --> 00:03:13.319 and practically so in a damper. He asked if he 72 00:03:13.319 --> 00:03:15.759 could share my umbrella. I told him only if he 73 00:03:15.759 --> 00:03:19.039 could guess my favorite Panton's watch. He did, because of 74 00:03:19.080 --> 00:03:21.639 course he did. We joked then that we'd enter every 75 00:03:21.639 --> 00:03:24.159 ice bricker as a two person team, matching punds and 76 00:03:24.199 --> 00:03:27.400 heckling the speakers. It worked by the closing party. We'd 77 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:30.639 crafted our own brand, sly ambitious, a little too caffeinated, 78 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:32.960 both of us believing in cleverness and color theory like 79 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:35.319 it was a religion. I fell for the way Nathan 80 00:03:35.319 --> 00:03:37.039 bit his thumbnail when he was on the cusp of 81 00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:38.960 an idea, The way he slid away from the crowd 82 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:41.080 to check a shadow or take some silly polaroid of 83 00:03:41.080 --> 00:03:43.560 a sticker on a bathroom mirror. He told me I 84 00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:45.919 had the best laugh in any room. The clicks so 85 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:49.159 fast our friends rolled their eyes when we moved in together. 86 00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:51.479 We picked an open a last ORPS studio in the 87 00:03:51.479 --> 00:03:54.280 old Town warehouse district, original brick, high shelves, a big 88 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:56.120 room meet cat that we ended up adopting when the 89 00:03:56.159 --> 00:04:00.199 landlord left it behind. The space fit us weekend's men 90 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.280 and promptu brunches with friends, gallery crawl until our feet heard, 91 00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:07.240 all collaborating on side projects. Frifty mid century chase clustered 92 00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:10.000 around the kitchen island, half a dozen poster ideas propped 93 00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:12.879 against the wall. In evenings which bowl on the sectional 94 00:04:12.919 --> 00:04:15.879 with wine, eviscerating the brand choices in whatever streaming show 95 00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:19.639 we'd picked that week. There were fights. Obviously, I never 96 00:04:19.680 --> 00:04:23.000 claimed perfect, but I'd loan from my parents disaster of 97 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:25.279 a divorce to always be honest, even if the truth 98 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:28.680 lefty rule. Nathan said he found that refreshing. His words. 99 00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:32.639 It's why we work CASS. Everyone else's just performing partnership. 100 00:04:32.759 --> 00:04:35.160 We're honest about the mess in between. I wore that 101 00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:37.360 like a badge, believing it more fiercely than may be 102 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:40.519 anything else. Lately, though, the EA had changed like a 103 00:04:40.560 --> 00:04:43.079 new color introduced to an old painting, somehow throwing every 104 00:04:43.079 --> 00:04:46.000 other shade into question. Nathan claimed he was buried in 105 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:49.000 meetings for an agency campaign, especially now that the agency 106 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:51.199 had landed a big pitch with a fresh creative team 107 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:54.319 pulled from the local community. He dropped Mita's name easily 108 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:56.920 at first, usually followed by a quick detail new in 109 00:04:56.959 --> 00:05:00.519 town from Austin, incredible sense of style, runs on doubles espressos. 110 00:05:01.079 --> 00:05:03.720 At first, I demired his excitement. After all, new projects 111 00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:06.079 always let him up, and we'd always encourage each other 112 00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:08.639 to stretch, to make friends, to keep the social circuit lively. 113 00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:11.560 Once or twice I caught little weird gaps him leaving 114 00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:14.639 earlier for agency days. Warding off invitations to join the 115 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:17.639 work croup for lunch. I told myself it was healthy. 116 00:05:18.360 --> 00:05:21.639 Our friends, especially Marco, teased us about being toun meish 117 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:25.279 our lives of bran collaboration masquerading as a marriage. Marco 118 00:05:25.319 --> 00:05:27.720 said it lovingly, but the faintest trace of worry sometimes 119 00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:30.240 flickered between his words, like when he texts breathed casts. 120 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:33.839 Don't let the work take over, I reassured him. Nathan 121 00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:35.639 and I always found our way back to each other, 122 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.839 debriefing in the kitchen over cheap malbick roasting, terrible billboard 123 00:05:38.839 --> 00:05:42.480 redesigns we'd spotted on the drive home, except that transparency 124 00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:44.800 wasn't what it had been. I'd come into the living 125 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:48.079 room later, and later finding Nathan with headphones in sketch 126 00:05:48.120 --> 00:05:51.319 pulled close back, hunched over something I wasn't shown. When 127 00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:53.240 I had nice him, he'd stiffened and laugh it off. 128 00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:55.319 A client wants a big revealed cast. You'd hear this 129 00:05:55.360 --> 00:05:58.319 style apart before I could get the bones finished. It's dung, 130 00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:01.519 but not deeply enough then to hurt more than my pride. Still, 131 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:04.000 the routines built up, like Sedimond Ritchell's. We relied on 132 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:05.959 because we trusted not just to each other, but the 133 00:06:05.959 --> 00:06:09.839 story we'd been telling usselves for years that we were different, stronger, 134 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:13.720 the rare couple others envied. I wanted so badly to 135 00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:16.120 believe that was still true, even as little details started 136 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:19.040 to feel out of place. The first Wednesday, Nathan asked 137 00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:20.439 me not to come to trivia. It was in the 138 00:06:20.439 --> 00:06:23.920 gentlest possible terms. He came in late. Is is rym gray, 139 00:06:24.040 --> 00:06:26.240 And as he set his back down, he said, Hey, 140 00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:28.879 by the way, trivia's getting real granular next week. Apparently 141 00:06:28.920 --> 00:06:31.120 it's just tech brainstorming with some of the agency crew. 142 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:33.800 He'd be bored out of your mine, babe, he smiled, 143 00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:37.279 but in this flat apologetic way. It's honestly less fun lately. 144 00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:40.759 Everyone's weirdly competitive. Don't wait up for me. I tried 145 00:06:40.759 --> 00:06:42.399 to turn it into a joke, held that my wedding 146 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:45.079 ring and said, what, I'm obsolete now I see how 147 00:06:45.120 --> 00:06:46.879 it is traded in the old model for someone who 148 00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:50.519 remembers which century Saints seraph was invented, He half smiled, 149 00:06:50.600 --> 00:06:52.800 wrapped me in one of us quick airy hugs, and 150 00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:56.079 pressed his lips to the top of my head. Not fair, cass, 151 00:06:56.160 --> 00:06:58.480 you're replaceable, but Meela's the only one who could spare 152 00:06:58.519 --> 00:07:01.600 Garriman backward after three Martin News. When he left, he 153 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:03.800 took the new sketch pick. Didn't even noticed me watching 154 00:07:04.439 --> 00:07:06.480 that Sunday, as I was cleaning up the desk before 155 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:08.839 starting on a logo draft, I picked up Nathan's back 156 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:11.560 back to shove it out of the cleaning path. Inside 157 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:13.920 on top of his laptop was a half drunk Claude. 158 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:16.720 The cup was from Western Portier, small indy place clear 159 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:19.120 across town where we only went twice, both times for 160 00:07:19.199 --> 00:07:23.000 mutual client meetings. Foam still clinging, elliptic prin mixed with 161 00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:25.079 pen scribbles on the side. One of those little napkins 162 00:07:25.079 --> 00:07:26.920 stopped next to a cup with a doodle some kind 163 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:29.160 of rabbit in a brairie. I turned the cup in 164 00:07:29.199 --> 00:07:31.399 my hand, trying to gather a reason that made sense. 165 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:35.399 Nathan rarely traveled so far for solo work. When he 166 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:37.800 got home, I asked he went to Western Poitier. That's 167 00:07:37.839 --> 00:07:41.560 a trick, he barely looked up. Yeah, just needed a 168 00:07:41.639 --> 00:07:44.040 change of scene. I was behind on some concept sketches. 169 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:48.680 A change of scene. I wanted to laugh. Normally switching 170 00:07:48.759 --> 00:07:50.959 up a routine ment and Instagram posts and at least 171 00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:54.480 two inside jokes. Now he hoarded away caps and napkins, 172 00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:58.040 hiding the aftertaste in his bag. I nearly mentioned the napkin, 173 00:07:58.279 --> 00:08:00.639 but the way he was holding his sketchbookt so tightly 174 00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:02.800 to his chest, so I couldn't bear to hear another defection. 175 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:06.480 Dinner with friends that Friday was kind of performance. We 176 00:08:06.519 --> 00:08:08.879 squeezed for around the bee st row table, passing plates 177 00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:13.040 of small bite glasses, clinking around conversation. Nathan barely shifted 178 00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:15.279 when I touched his leg beneath the tablecloth. He was 179 00:08:15.319 --> 00:08:17.879 animated only when he and Milis arted roofing about absurd 180 00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:21.639 ad campaigns and the worst ONTs they'd seen on bus wraps. Millah, 181 00:08:21.639 --> 00:08:23.639 who I had met only once before, seemed to glitter 182 00:08:23.879 --> 00:08:26.759 all expressive hands, uneasy laughter, her hair short and sharply, 183 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:29.000 bawled a little lightning bolt touch you flush at her 184 00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:31.959 wrist every time Nathan smiled at her, he looked five 185 00:08:32.039 --> 00:08:35.039 years younger. Later, I fought back a prick of panic, 186 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:37.720 instead forcing a laugh when some one mentioned the agency's 187 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:40.960 next event. Afterward, while we were brushing our teeth, I 188 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:44.960 asked Nathan about Milla's project. Which agency client was it? Anyway? 189 00:08:45.559 --> 00:08:48.960 He spat, shrugged, and mumbled, you know, just that beautique distillery. 190 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:51.159 Miel is a senior designer, so she's running point. They 191 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:54.919 pushed me to the background. That's nothing, casts nothing. Why 192 00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:58.320 did the nothing feel like something I'd always believed? Told myself, 193 00:08:58.360 --> 00:09:01.039 told Marco, told any one who heard that open communication 194 00:09:01.159 --> 00:09:03.679 meant nothing could hide in the dark. That week, I 195 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:06.519 belief started to tremble. It wasn't that I was jealous, 196 00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:10.080 I told myself. I was careful about that. After all, 197 00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:13.240 Nathan and I had never been possessive. We'd build open 198 00:09:13.240 --> 00:09:15.559 trust instead of boundaries, each of us with our own friends, 199 00:09:15.639 --> 00:09:18.559 own projects, our own late nights when one might wander elsewhere, 200 00:09:18.600 --> 00:09:21.799 but always circling back. What gnawed at me was the secrecy, 201 00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:24.320 the orphaned details he used to offer so much more freely. 202 00:09:24.919 --> 00:09:27.200 Time slept into a new routine. Nathan, at the door earlier, 203 00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:29.799 had bent his phone before he'd even finished his coffee. 204 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:33.159 His manner got clipped preoccupied. Group texts from his trivia 205 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:35.399 team pinged offin, but he answered only if I wasn't 206 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:38.840 in the room. While early afternoon, when an unexpected client 207 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:40.879 were schedule left me with a rare two free hours. 208 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:43.879 I decided on a whim to drop by Nathan's agency office. 209 00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:46.919 I had told myself I missed our old spontaneous lunches. 210 00:09:46.919 --> 00:09:49.639 Maybe I could provide the tradition. The agency shared a 211 00:09:49.639 --> 00:09:52.480 floor in a convertible mill, raw concrete and aged windows, 212 00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:54.799 the kind of space that always smelled faintly of coffee 213 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:57.960 and tone. Nathan almost jumped when I walked in. Cut 214 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.039 mid conversation with Mielah, heads nearly touching over his sketch book. 215 00:10:01.480 --> 00:10:04.120 He straightened the sketch for vanishing into his messenger bag, 216 00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:07.600 and the tone between them snap taut. Mielah recovered, instantly 217 00:10:07.720 --> 00:10:10.159 smiling up at me and offering a Handshicker energy felt 218 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:13.000 both genuinely friendly and locked in on Nathan, eyes glancing 219 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:17.480 at him before every answer Gassi. Nathan's voice was falsely bright. 220 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:20.360 He introduced me to Milah with a quick, silted summary, 221 00:10:20.440 --> 00:10:22.600 the most creative person I know. Hope she'll forgive our 222 00:10:22.679 --> 00:10:25.200 mess and Mielah echoed it, complimenting our logo workers of 223 00:10:25.240 --> 00:10:28.080 trying to perform the right measure of admiration. The smell 224 00:10:28.120 --> 00:10:30.159 of takout ty curry our favored to lingered on the 225 00:10:30.240 --> 00:10:33.919 edge of their shared desk. Two identical cardans both partially 226 00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:36.240 emptied a pair of chopstick stuck upright in the rice 227 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:40.399 power lunch meal. E quipped, grinning toward Nathan. I tried 228 00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:43.320 to diffuse attention. So can I get a sneak peek 229 00:10:43.320 --> 00:10:46.480 at these top secret concepts. Nathan looked at Mila, then 230 00:10:46.519 --> 00:10:50.039 at me. Not quite ready for outside eyes, cass too early, 231 00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:53.679 agency politics, You know how it is. I pretended I did, 232 00:10:53.840 --> 00:10:56.919 even though we'd spend years sharing everything from silliest brainstorm 233 00:10:56.919 --> 00:10:59.960 to sticky revision rounds. The chill at his words pressed, 234 00:11:00.759 --> 00:11:04.080 I excused myself, quickly, pretending I had a long call scheduled. 235 00:11:04.720 --> 00:11:06.559 As I walked away, I heard a burst of laughter 236 00:11:06.600 --> 00:11:09.879 from behind the Glasston door. Back home. As I tidied 237 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:11.840 the kitchen, I found a crumpled receipts stuff near the 238 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:14.519 bottom of Nathan's messenger bag. Dinner for two at a marrow, 239 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:16.759 the tiny beastro we always used to go for celebration 240 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:19.840 date stimulights, tut boose candle wax dribbling over the edge 241 00:11:19.879 --> 00:11:22.480 of cycled wine bottles. He told me it was a 242 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:25.399 team lunch last week, a working session, but the time 243 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:29.000 stamp was late, just after ten, far too late for lunch. 244 00:11:29.720 --> 00:11:32.240 I wanted to ignore it, chalk it up to another oversight, 245 00:11:32.320 --> 00:11:35.320 but doubt verted through everything. I let the topic drop 246 00:11:35.840 --> 00:11:38.440 That evening, Nathan glanced up from his sketchbrook with tired, 247 00:11:38.519 --> 00:11:42.679 distracted eyes. Long couple of weeks, he said, massaging his temples. 248 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:45.080 Don't know when this stress is going to lead up. 249 00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:47.639 When Marco called later that week and asked me out 250 00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:50.519 for a drink, I gladly said yes. He picked our 251 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:53.440 regular haunt, a converted warehouse bar, half craft cocktails, half 252 00:11:53.440 --> 00:11:57.559 aphazard antiques over his second old fashioned. He grew quiet, 253 00:11:57.600 --> 00:12:01.080 looking at me as I scrolled through my phone, checking messages. Cass, 254 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:02.799 you know I love you guys, right, but I don't know. 255 00:12:02.840 --> 00:12:04.879 There's been a vibe at trivia, not just agency work 256 00:12:04.960 --> 00:12:07.480 talk either. He tried to make it sound of hand, 257 00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:09.960 like he was gently teasing, but beneath it was concerned. 258 00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:13.399 Nathan and Mila are they not? Probably nothing? Sorry I 259 00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:16.279 shouldn't have said anything. His doubt seeped into me, like 260 00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:19.000 cold rain pulling into place as I pretended not to look. 261 00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:21.799 When Nathan left for trivia that next Wednesday. He was 262 00:12:21.799 --> 00:12:24.120 already at the door by six, pausing just long enough 263 00:12:24.159 --> 00:12:26.080 to say, don't wait up, I might crash it BNS 264 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:28.519 if we go late. He brushed a quick kiss against 265 00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:32.120 my forehead, already half whitious. Yeber late that night, scrolling 266 00:12:32.159 --> 00:12:34.480 social media on my phone, A saw story tagged at 267 00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:38.960 the trivia bob blurred low light. I squinted. Dad scribbled 268 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:41.440 on a napkin was a familiar sketch of stylized where 269 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:44.159 Nathan used for years as his Creates signature. Next to it, 270 00:12:44.200 --> 00:12:46.360 a delicate wrists the edge of a small lightning bolt 271 00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:50.879 tattoo Meela. I showed Mako the post. He winced and 272 00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:53.120 changed the subject, urging me to join them at trivia 273 00:12:53.159 --> 00:12:55.720 sometime soon, and showed these agency people how it's done. 274 00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:57.879 Work should have been a haven at least, but it 275 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:02.759 only made things worse. Signs felt uninspired, flat. Everywhere I looked, 276 00:13:02.759 --> 00:13:05.519 I saw my own self doubt refracted back. The same 277 00:13:05.559 --> 00:13:08.279 client stopped praising my drafts so readily, asking if I 278 00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:11.480 had time for extra revision runs. At night, I found 279 00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:13.440 Nathan asleep on the couch or hunch at the desk 280 00:13:13.799 --> 00:13:17.120 muttering about deadlines I never saw materialize on his shaved calendar. 281 00:13:17.639 --> 00:13:19.320 The tipping point came on a rare evening when I 282 00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:22.399 managed to face to face conversation with Nathan. No distractions, 283 00:13:22.639 --> 00:13:25.200 no friends, just us and the swoirling sediment at the 284 00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:27.879 bottom of a cheap wine bottle. I gathered the courage 285 00:13:27.879 --> 00:13:30.559 to ask voice forced neutrality, is something going on with 286 00:13:30.600 --> 00:13:33.600 you and Mielah? Nathan's joe worked a muscle twitching as 287 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:36.600 he weighed how to play this. He managed to laugh feeble, 288 00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:40.600 but practiced. God cass. Mielah's going through a rough break up. 289 00:13:40.679 --> 00:13:43.600 She's reaching out to everyone at work, leaning on whoever's around. 290 00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:45.679 I guess I've been there. Maybe I've put too much 291 00:13:45.799 --> 00:13:48.200 energy into it. But she just needs a friend, that's all. 292 00:13:48.279 --> 00:13:50.440 You know how agency life gets its stressful as hell 293 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:53.600 right now. His explanations felt rehearsed, not quite fitting the 294 00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:56.399 space between us any more. He reached for my hand, 295 00:13:56.480 --> 00:13:59.399 squeezing hard. He've always trusted me. I don't want to 296 00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:01.600 feel like I have to account for every conversation. There's 297 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:04.639 nothing to worry about, I promise. I tried to smile. 298 00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:07.519 O kay, I said, just maybe loop me in every 299 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:09.679 now and then, I kind of mishearing about your projects. 300 00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:13.879 My voice sounded small, even to my own ears. He hesitated, 301 00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:18.039 kiss my temple, you will when things calmed down, but 302 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:20.039 he pulled away a few minutes later. If one glued 303 00:14:20.039 --> 00:14:22.399 to his hand again, the world kept on as if 304 00:14:22.440 --> 00:14:26.440 nothing had changed. Trivia knights came and went. Nathan grew 305 00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:29.039 more expert at a visions drop, his stray comments about 306 00:14:29.039 --> 00:14:32.399 agency drama, memoring apologies for late dinners, ducking out for 307 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:35.440 supposed brainstorming walks with the group. He left for seats 308 00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:37.919 tangled in his jacket pockets, each one modest, but always 309 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:40.720 for two, never three or four. The more I looked, 310 00:14:40.759 --> 00:14:43.000 the more the evidence curled at the edges, refusing to 311 00:14:43.039 --> 00:14:46.519 lie flat. One evening alone in the studio space, cleaning 312 00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:48.639 up the clot and Nathan never seemed to notice. I 313 00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:50.799 pulled the textbook from the shelf, a design history term 314 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:53.679 he borrowed from me, tucked inside as if marking spot 315 00:14:53.720 --> 00:14:55.600 he needed to reference later. Was a photo I had 316 00:14:55.639 --> 00:14:58.879 never seen before. Nathan and Miela sithed by side at 317 00:14:58.879 --> 00:15:01.720 some heard exhibit, armst flung around each other's waists, grinning 318 00:15:01.720 --> 00:15:04.279 at the camera. With light in their eyes. The gallery 319 00:15:04.279 --> 00:15:06.120 walls behind them were hung with pieces from an up 320 00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:09.240 and coming local artist. It was an exhibit I'd wanted 321 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:11.240 to see in Nathan had told me he bestuck in 322 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:14.039 meetings all weakened. The feeling was less a burst of 323 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:17.360 anger than a slow rising tired of fatigue. I pocketed 324 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:20.000 the photo carefully, then set the text book back on 325 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:23.639 the shelf. My hand shook. Every memory had built of 326 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:27.480 our partnership, creative, romantic daily suddenly felt porous, arm reliable. 327 00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:30.799 In the light of Nathan's new boundaries. The easy transparency 328 00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:33.600 we'd always had, the casual dropping of details and confidences, 329 00:15:33.679 --> 00:15:36.279 was gone. I told myself, as I went to poor 330 00:15:36.360 --> 00:15:38.360 more wine and pretend to work on a client's logo, 331 00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:41.519 that maybe there was still a harmless explanation. Maybe Nathan 332 00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:44.039 needed a confidante, someone to share late meetings in raw 333 00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:46.679 ideas the way he used to whit me. Or maybe, 334 00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:49.279 as some paranoid part of me whispered, he'd found a mela, 335 00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:51.200 the thing we'd always believed was unique between the two 336 00:15:51.240 --> 00:15:54.879 of us. I wanted answers without blowing up a precarious balance. 337 00:15:55.639 --> 00:15:57.360 I needed to know the truth, but part of me, 338 00:15:57.399 --> 00:16:00.320 panicked at what stepping further would cost. I waited a 339 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:04.480 few days before bringing anything up directly. Instead attracted small clues, 340 00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:07.639 stacking them up in my memory like pebbles. Nathan's sudden privacy, 341 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:10.559 his emotional reticence, the new importance he put on trivia nights, 342 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:13.039 and above all, how he no longer wanted to share 343 00:16:13.080 --> 00:16:15.120 his creative process with me when that used to be 344 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.919 the heart of our evenings together. When I finally worked 345 00:16:17.960 --> 00:16:20.639 up the nerve to ask tentatively, almost playfully, Nathan's reaction 346 00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:25.279 was practiced Meela's just he started trailing off. Then she's 347 00:16:25.320 --> 00:16:27.399 been in a rough spot and the team needed someone 348 00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:29.799 to keep the creative energy up. That's all it is. Look, 349 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.120 I know things have been tens, but you're reading into it. 350 00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:35.720 On a Friday, Marco called with a suggestion crash trivia 351 00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:39.840 next week. Cass, Seriously, you've got better brand recall than 352 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:43.399 half those dudes. I'll go if your chicken. I laugh, 353 00:16:43.559 --> 00:16:45.600 Eager for any opening to normal as things, to get 354 00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:48.240 myself back into spaces Nathan had started subtly pushing me 355 00:16:48.279 --> 00:16:51.039 from the Next Wednesday, I did join the trivia group 356 00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:54.440 at the bar. The ambient hum made everything feel more normal, 357 00:16:54.480 --> 00:16:57.480 old wooden tables, pictures of beer, clusters of friends packed 358 00:16:57.480 --> 00:17:00.559 too close in the booth. Nathan seemed off on comfortable. 359 00:17:01.159 --> 00:17:03.320 He fated a smile once, then spent most of the 360 00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:06.359 evening locked in some technical banter with Mila Fozes pitchlow. 361 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:09.279 Ever so often I'd catch Meala looking at me, as 362 00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:12.240 guarded but not in kind. I tried to keep up 363 00:17:12.279 --> 00:17:15.000 with the conversation, chiming in about a brand slogan, but 364 00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:17.640 felt invisible, an outsider to the current that now dictated 365 00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:20.440 their circle. When Nathan offered to walk me home after 366 00:17:20.640 --> 00:17:23.440 Meel excused herself quickly, I joked on the way to 367 00:17:23.480 --> 00:17:25.599 ol Loft, I guess trivia is too cool for me now. 368 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:28.359 Nathan only nodded, holding my hand a little looser than 369 00:17:28.400 --> 00:17:31.279 he used to at home. He poured himself a neat 370 00:17:31.319 --> 00:17:33.319 bourbon rare for him on a week night, and retreated 371 00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:36.119 to the spare room, muttering something about a tight deadline. 372 00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:38.799 The rest of the night I heard him typing, sketching, 373 00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:40.799 talking in a low voice to some one on the phone. 374 00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:44.400 Maybe it was Marco, maybe a client. I no longer 375 00:17:44.440 --> 00:17:47.440 felt confident in my assumptions. The next day, my work 376 00:17:47.440 --> 00:17:49.599 bled into each hour. I couldn't focus on brown paletts 377 00:17:49.640 --> 00:17:53.200 or creative concepts. My mind kept circling back to that furdough. 378 00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:55.559 The shot glances at trivia, the way Nathan shielded his 379 00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:57.880 phone and sketched were canoe. But when he woke and 380 00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:00.279 offered me coffee in bed, he was warmth and charming again. 381 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:02.599 The Nathan had fallen for and for a dangerous moment, 382 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:06.599 I almost almost let myself believe him. Later, cleaning the kitchen, 383 00:18:06.759 --> 00:18:09.319 my fingers brushed against a fold of receipt in the trash. 384 00:18:09.720 --> 00:18:12.440 I nearly tossed it, but something habit maybe made me 385 00:18:12.599 --> 00:18:15.599 look closer. Two entrees at a marrow again that had 386 00:18:15.640 --> 00:18:18.480 written in Nathan's handwriting. Nathan had set he and the 387 00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:22.480 geist went out. The check told another story. That afternoon, 388 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:25.759 I put all my stray evidence into Pila, my desk, photographs, receipts, 389 00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:28.759 screenshots of the trivia story, even the west and Podionakin 390 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:32.200 just in case. I paced the apartment waiting for Nathan 391 00:18:32.200 --> 00:18:35.160 to return, were housing reasonable low stakes questions in my head, 392 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:36.960 Afraid that if I pushed even a little too far, 393 00:18:37.079 --> 00:18:39.799 the thread would snap. I heard Nathan come in to 394 00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:42.640 Key's pitch, in his nervous pattern against the bowl. I 395 00:18:42.759 --> 00:18:45.039 washed him from the doorways, still clutching his sketch book 396 00:18:45.559 --> 00:18:48.279 this time, when I asked, Hey, Trivia, was it just guys? 397 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:50.480 You said you'd be home by eleven, but it looked fun. 398 00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:54.920 He hesitated, then nodded, looking over my shoulder. YEA, just 399 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:57.279 Ben and a couple from work. We lost. Neil is 400 00:18:57.319 --> 00:19:00.079 taking a night off. She's got stuff going on. But Mark, 401 00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:02.279