Speaker 1: Today, we're diving into the book The Courage to Be Disliked,
Speaker 1: co written by Japanese philosopher and psychologist Ichiro Kashimi and
Speaker 1: author Fumataki Koga. For both, internal worry is always linked
Speaker 1: to the outside world. They explain there is no such
Speaker 1: thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual.
Speaker 1: So called internal worry does not exist. Whatever the worry
Speaker 1: that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present.
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga argue that all of life's problems can
Speaker 1: be easily solved and that life only seems complex because
Speaker 1: we make it so. According to them, the only thing
Speaker 1: you need to find happiness is the courage to be disliked.
Speaker 1: They explain that one must not fear being disliked. Freedom
Speaker 1: is being disliked by others. It's not that you lack competence,
Speaker 1: you simply lack courage. They also explain that the courage
Speaker 1: to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.
Speaker 1: When you have gained that courage, your inner personal relationships
Speaker 1: will all at once change into things of lightness. In
Speaker 1: this episode will explore the key teachings from the book,
Speaker 1: including the psychology of unhappiness, why seeking external approval is
Speaker 1: a dead end, and the author's advice on how to
Speaker 1: live a truly happy life. Kashimi and Koga's worldview is
Speaker 1: based on the belief that everyone, no matter their past,
Speaker 1: has the potential to be happy. The main difference between
Speaker 1: happy and unhappy people is their willingness to change. The
Speaker 1: book draws on the theories of psychologist Alfred Adler. Adler
Speaker 1: believed that the self is a unified whole. Our body, mind, emotions,
Speaker 1: and both conscious and unconscious thoughts all work together toward
Speaker 1: a common goal. According to Adler, everything we think, do,
Speaker 1: or feel is directed toward achieving that goal, even if
Speaker 1: we're not fully aware of it. In Adler's view, goals
Speaker 1: don't just affect our happiness, they shape who we are.
Speaker 1: This perspective suggest that the goals we set drive our
Speaker 1: sense of self. Kashimi and Koga expand on this. They
Speaker 1: explain that Adler doesn't focus on fixed personality traits, but
Speaker 1: looks at people through the lens of their lifestyle. For Adler,
Speaker 1: your habits, emotions, and thoughts make up a lifestyle you
Speaker 1: chose at some point and continue to choose because you
Speaker 1: believe it's the best way to reach a goal. For example,
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga would argue that there's no such thing
Speaker 1: as a truly antisocial person. Instead, they see antisocial behavior
Speaker 1: as a choice, a way of pursuing certain goals. Kashimi
Speaker 1: and Koga take this idea further by suggesting that the
Speaker 1: goals we set not only influence our actions, but also
Speaker 1: shape our emotions. First, you decide what you want, and
Speaker 1: then you create the emotions that will help you achieve it.
Speaker 1: For example, imagine someone wants a job but becomes so
Speaker 1: anxious about the interview that they can't prepare or even attend.
Speaker 1: They think that if their anxiety went away, they'd have
Speaker 1: a better chance at getting the job. However, Kashimi and
Speaker 1: Koga would argue that the person's true goal is to
Speaker 1: avoid the interview, so they create the emotion of fear.
Speaker 1: The person doesn't really want the job. Their true goal
Speaker 1: is to simply avoid the risk of failing the interview,
Speaker 1: and fear helps them to that. Kashimi and Koga also
Speaker 1: address the argument that past trauma can stop people from
Speaker 1: finding happiness. They counter by saying that not everyone who
Speaker 1: experiences trauma is stuck in it. For example, while negative
Speaker 1: childhood experiences may influence your goals, They would argue that
Speaker 1: it's still up to you to decide what goals to
Speaker 1: pursue and how to live to achieve them. In the book,
Speaker 1: they write that no experience is in itself a cause
Speaker 1: of our success or failure. We do not suffer from
Speaker 1: the shock of our experiences, the so called trauma, but
Speaker 1: instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
Speaker 1: We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning
Speaker 1: we give them is self determining. They also explain that
Speaker 1: no matter what has occurred in your life up to
Speaker 1: this point, it should have no bearing at all on
Speaker 1: how you live from now on. That you living in
Speaker 1: the here and now, are the one who determines your
Speaker 1: own life. So if happiness is within our control, why
Speaker 1: would anyone choose unhappiness? Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappiness
Speaker 1: is actually a strategy some people use to reach their goals.
Speaker 1: As we've explained, the authors believe that the goals we
Speaker 1: set influence our emotions. They argue that occasional unhappiness is
Speaker 1: normal because everyone feels disappointed or frustrated at times. However,
Speaker 1: those who are always unhappy are often driven by one constant,
Speaker 1: frustrating goal, and this frustrating goal is related to their
Speaker 1: relationships with others. This is an important point because Kishimi
Speaker 1: and Koga suggest that your overall happiness depends on the
Speaker 1: goals you set for your relationship. In other words, what
Speaker 1: are you trying to achieve in your connections with others?
Speaker 1: The answer to that question shapes how happy you are,
Speaker 1: So your emotions and sense of self are shaped by
Speaker 1: the goals you set, and the goal that most affects
Speaker 1: your overall happiness is the one you set for your
Speaker 1: relationships with others. Kashimi and Koga explain that there are
Speaker 1: two main goals when interacting with others, seeking their approval
Speaker 1: or aiming to make a positive impact in their lives.
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga argue that unhappy people often make gaining
Speaker 1: approval from others their main goal. Unhappy people believe that
Speaker 1: true happiness comes from being seen as good by others.
Speaker 1: Whether this approval comes from a teacher, parent, or society,
Speaker 1: it always leads to the same result, unhappiness. Essentially, unhappy
Speaker 1: people believe that being liked by others makes them a
Speaker 1: good person. Many would argue that the desire for approval
Speaker 1: and seeking validation is a natural part of being human. However,
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga explain that this is a mistaken view.
Speaker 1: They explain that humans don't seek approval to find happiness.
Speaker 1: We find happiness in approval because it satisfies a deeper
Speaker 1: need within us. So why is it that people seek
Speaker 1: recognition from others? For Kashimi and Koga, in many cases,
Speaker 1: it is due to the influence of reward and punishment education.
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga point out that even when unhappy people
Speaker 1: manage to gain the approval of others, it comes with
Speaker 1: a heavy price. In their pursuit of validation, they end
Speaker 1: up living according to someone else's expectations. In doing so,
Speaker 1: they end up sacrificing their freedom and ultimately their happiness
Speaker 1: in the process. They explain, to live one's life trying
Speaker 1: to gauge other people's feelings and being worried about how
Speaker 1: they look at you. To live in such a way
Speaker 1: that others wishes are granted. There may indeed be signposts
Speaker 1: to guide you this way, but it is a very
Speaker 1: unfree way to live. Now, why are you choosing such
Speaker 1: an unfree way to live? You are using the term
Speaker 1: desire for recognition, But what you are really saying is
Speaker 1: that you don't want to be disliked by anyone. Unless
Speaker 1: one is unconcerned by other people's judgments, has no fear
Speaker 1: of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost
Speaker 1: that one might never be recognized, one will never be
Speaker 1: able to follow through in one's own way of living.
Speaker 1: That is to say, one will not be able to
Speaker 1: be free. Being praised essentially means that one is receiving
Speaker 1: judgment from another person as good, and the measure of
Speaker 1: what is good or bad about that act is that
Speaker 1: person's yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after,
Speaker 1: one will have no choice but to adapt to that
Speaker 1: person's yardstick and put the brakes on one's own freedom.
Speaker 1: So we've established how seeking approval from others is ultimately unfulfilling.
Speaker 1: But this isn't the worst result of making it your
Speaker 1: main goal. Kashimi and Koga argue that the real problem
Speaker 1: is that this goal is often impossible to achieve. Most
Speaker 1: of the time, approval depends on meeting others expectations. This
Speaker 1: means that whether or not people approve of you is
Speaker 1: out of your control and sometimes, no matter what you do,
Speaker 1: you will not be able to make someone like you.
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga explain that when earning approval becomes impossible,
Speaker 1: unhappy people often react by setting a new goal. Instead
Speaker 1: of continuing to chase something impossible, they choose to stop
Speaker 1: trying altogether. They give up on trying to gain others approval.
Speaker 1: In doing so, they create negative emotions like fear and
Speaker 1: self hatred to justify their decision not to try. However,
Speaker 1: as Kashimi and Koga explain, these people are still letting
Speaker 1: their lives be controlled by the unattainable goal of approval.
Speaker 1: By giving up, they don't truly let go of this desire,
Speaker 1: They only make their emotional attachment to it stronger. This
Speaker 1: deepens their unhappiness as they continue to feel the pain
Speaker 1: of failing to reach something they've basically given up on.
Speaker 1: The second goal they adopt is convincing themselves that something
Speaker 1: about them is flawed, which makes it impossible for others
Speaker 1: to like them. By holding on to this limiting belief,
Speaker 1: unhappy people avoid the risk of not gaining approval from
Speaker 1: others because they can simply justify it by saying they
Speaker 1: are flawed or that something is wrong about them. However,
Speaker 1: this keeps them trapped in a hopeless, miserable life, as
Speaker 1: they now believe they don't have the power to change
Speaker 1: whatever they think is flawed. Additionally, Kashimi and Koga explain
Speaker 1: that the need for external approval doesn't just impact unhappy
Speaker 1: people's self esteem, it also prevents them from forming healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: The main reason for this is because unhappy people often
Speaker 1: view life as a competition. They see others as rivals.
Speaker 1: In other words, if someone else succeeds, it means they
Speaker 1: have failed. This happens because approval is often conditional. It
Speaker 1: depends on actions. Some people may like you for being funny,
Speaker 1: others for being generous, and some for you career achievements.
Speaker 1: These are tough standards to meet, and no one can
Speaker 1: do them all perfectly, so naturally, someone else may earn
Speaker 1: approval better than you. When others succeed, they raise the expectations,
Speaker 1: making it harder for you to gain the same approval.
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Coga explain that seeking external approval is a
Speaker 1: zero sum game. The more someone else succeeds, the worse
Speaker 1: you appear by comparison. In other words, pursuing approval from
Speaker 1: others turns life into a competition with winners and losers.
Speaker 1: This leads unhappy people to fear the success of others,
Speaker 1: and it may even cause them to celebrate their failures
Speaker 1: rather than offering them support, and this behavior is what
Speaker 1: prevents them from forming healthy relationships. Kashimi and Koga explain
Speaker 1: that once one is released from the scheme of competition,
Speaker 1: the need to triumph over someone disappears. The second reason
Speaker 1: why seeking approval harms relationships is because unhappy people believe
Speaker 1: relationships are founded on sacrifice. An unhappy person's need for
Speaker 1: approval can also damage their relationships by making them feel entitled.
Speaker 1: Kashimi and Koga argue that because unhappy people spend their
Speaker 1: lives trying to meet others' expectations, they become resentful when others,
Speaker 1: especially those close to them, don't meet their expectations. In return,
Speaker 1: the authors explain that an unhappy person feels wronged when
Speaker 1: they do something nice for someone and don't receive the
Speaker 1: gratitude or appreciation they expect it. For example, imagine someone
Speaker 1: throws a surprise birthday party for a friend, only to
Speaker 1: be offended when the friend doesn't do the same for them.
Speaker 1: In this case, the person organizing the party is really
Speaker 1: just using the friend to get something in return. If
Speaker 1: the friend feels pressured to reciprocate but doesn't want to,
Speaker 1: then that's when resentment begins. Now that we've covered how
Speaker 1: seeking external approval can negatively impact your life and relationships,
Speaker 1: let's examine the alternative and look at Kashimi and Koga's
Speaker 1: advice for living a happier life. Kashimi and Koga suggest
Speaker 1: that instead of seeking approval, happy people focus on helping others.
Speaker 1: They find true joy in contributing to the well being
Speaker 1: of those around them. For them, happiness comes from genuinely
Speaker 1: believing that they are useful to someone. Kashimi and Koga
Speaker 1: argue that as long as happy people believe they are
Speaker 1: helping others, they don't worry about what others think of them.
Speaker 1: They argue that you must decide for yourself what being
Speaker 1: useful means. Once you figure out what's truly meaningful for
Speaker 1: your life, anything else will feel like a waste of time.
Speaker 1: Even if you meet others' expectations but don't feel useful,
Speaker 1: then you won't find happiness. They explain that if one
Speaker 1: really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer
Speaker 1: have any need for recognition from others, because one will
Speaker 1: already have the real awareness that I am of use
Speaker 1: to someone, without needing to go out of one's way
Speaker 1: to be acknowledged by others. In other WoRDSS, a person
Speaker 1: who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not
Speaker 1: have any community feeling yet and has not managed to
Speaker 1: engage in self acceptance, confidence in others, or contribution to others.
Speaker 1: For happy people, helping others isn't a selfless sacrifice. It's
Speaker 1: something they do mainly for their own benefit. While this
Speaker 1: might sound selfish, Kashimi and Koga argue that it's perfectly
Speaker 1: fine if your purpose in life is to make yourself happy.
Speaker 1: Since helping others brings them fulfillment, happy people are able
Speaker 1: to serve without expecting anything in return. Additionally, according to
Speaker 1: the authors, the desire to help because it makes you
Speaker 1: happy is a much stronger motivator than doing so simply
Speaker 1: because it's the right thing to do. That is, because
Speaker 1: pursuing self sacrifice to be seen as a good person
Speaker 1: is just another form of seeking approval. Kashimi and Koga
Speaker 1: also argue that anyone can find happiness by realizing that
Speaker 1: just by existing they bring joy to others. Humans naturally
Speaker 1: care about each other, and simply being around others can
Speaker 1: be fulfilling without needing to do anything extraordinary. Building on
Speaker 1: this idea, happy people believe that all humans have value,
Speaker 1: even if they haven't done anything good with their lives.
Speaker 1: Because of this belief, they can accept themselves fully, even
Speaker 1: if they've made mistakes or aren't as well adjusted as others.
Speaker 1: They understand that their presence is valuable to those around them.
Speaker 1: This makes them feel good about themselves despite their imperfections.
Speaker 1: While Kashimi and Koga acknowledge that some people do more
Speaker 1: good than others, they point out that unlike unhappy people
Speaker 1: who may see the success of others as a threat,
Speaker 1: happy people celebrate it. Since happy people believe that everyone
Speaker 1: can make others happy just by being there, they see
Speaker 1: no need to view life as a competition. The success
Speaker 1: of others cannot diminish their own worth as human beings. Finally,
Speaker 1: happy people focus on the present moment, enjoying life as
Speaker 1: it comes. Kashimi and Koga believe that we all have
Speaker 1: the ability to choose happiness at any given moment. Kashimi
Speaker 1: and Koga explain that many people think they need to
Speaker 1: achieve something big to be happy, but that's not true.
Speaker 1: Anyone can find happiness by simply recognizing the positive impact
Speaker 1: they have on others. They clarify that this doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you should stop working toward future goals. Instead, you should
Speaker 1: find meaning and joy in the journey toward those goals.
Speaker 1: That way, if your life ended suddenly, you wouldn't feel
Speaker 1: like it was wasted. The key takeaway from this book
Speaker 1: is that no matter what you do, it's inevitable that
Speaker 1: some people won't like you. Therefore, the only way to
Speaker 1: find lasting happiness is to accept this reality and have
Speaker 1: the courage to live a life you believe is good
Speaker 1: regardless of other people's opinions. This is why it's crucial
Speaker 1: to let go of the need for approval and develop
Speaker 1: the courage to be disliked.