WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:03.160
<v Speaker 1>Today, we're diving into the book The Courage to Be Disliked,

2
00:00:03.520 --> 00:00:08.279
<v Speaker 1>co written by Japanese philosopher and psychologist Ichiro Kashimi and

3
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:13.279
<v Speaker 1>author Fumataki Koga. For both, internal worry is always linked

4
00:00:13.320 --> 00:00:16.440
<v Speaker 1>to the outside world. They explain there is no such

5
00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:19.640
<v Speaker 1>thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual.

6
00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:24.000
<v Speaker 1>So called internal worry does not exist. Whatever the worry

7
00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:27.719
<v Speaker 1>that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present.

8
00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:31.000
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga argue that all of life's problems can

9
00:00:31.039 --> 00:00:35.000
<v Speaker 1>be easily solved and that life only seems complex because

10
00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:38.200
<v Speaker 1>we make it so. According to them, the only thing

11
00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:41.759
<v Speaker 1>you need to find happiness is the courage to be disliked.

12
00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:45.799
<v Speaker 1>They explain that one must not fear being disliked. Freedom

13
00:00:45.840 --> 00:00:49.079
<v Speaker 1>is being disliked by others. It's not that you lack competence,

14
00:00:49.320 --> 00:00:53.280
<v Speaker 1>you simply lack courage. They also explain that the courage

15
00:00:53.399 --> 00:00:57.799
<v Speaker 1>to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.

16
00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:01.039
<v Speaker 1>When you have gained that courage, your inner personal relationships

17
00:01:01.079 --> 00:01:04.920
<v Speaker 1>will all at once change into things of lightness. In

18
00:01:04.959 --> 00:01:07.319
<v Speaker 1>this episode will explore the key teachings from the book,

19
00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:12.560
<v Speaker 1>including the psychology of unhappiness, why seeking external approval is

20
00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:15.400
<v Speaker 1>a dead end, and the author's advice on how to

21
00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:19.400
<v Speaker 1>live a truly happy life. Kashimi and Koga's worldview is

22
00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:22.799
<v Speaker 1>based on the belief that everyone, no matter their past,

23
00:01:23.159 --> 00:01:26.359
<v Speaker 1>has the potential to be happy. The main difference between

24
00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:30.879
<v Speaker 1>happy and unhappy people is their willingness to change. The

25
00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:34.799
<v Speaker 1>book draws on the theories of psychologist Alfred Adler. Adler

26
00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:39.840
<v Speaker 1>believed that the self is a unified whole. Our body, mind, emotions,

27
00:01:40.079 --> 00:01:44.200
<v Speaker 1>and both conscious and unconscious thoughts all work together toward

28
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:48.079
<v Speaker 1>a common goal. According to Adler, everything we think, do,

29
00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:52.040
<v Speaker 1>or feel is directed toward achieving that goal, even if

30
00:01:52.040 --> 00:01:55.239
<v Speaker 1>we're not fully aware of it. In Adler's view, goals

31
00:01:55.239 --> 00:01:58.359
<v Speaker 1>don't just affect our happiness, they shape who we are.

32
00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:02.319
<v Speaker 1>This perspective suggest that the goals we set drive our

33
00:02:02.359 --> 00:02:06.599
<v Speaker 1>sense of self. Kashimi and Koga expand on this. They

34
00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:09.759
<v Speaker 1>explain that Adler doesn't focus on fixed personality traits, but

35
00:02:09.840 --> 00:02:13.520
<v Speaker 1>looks at people through the lens of their lifestyle. For Adler,

36
00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:17.719
<v Speaker 1>your habits, emotions, and thoughts make up a lifestyle you

37
00:02:17.800 --> 00:02:21.719
<v Speaker 1>chose at some point and continue to choose because you

38
00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:25.639
<v Speaker 1>believe it's the best way to reach a goal. For example,

39
00:02:25.879 --> 00:02:29.280
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga would argue that there's no such thing

40
00:02:29.479 --> 00:02:34.240
<v Speaker 1>as a truly antisocial person. Instead, they see antisocial behavior

41
00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:38.360
<v Speaker 1>as a choice, a way of pursuing certain goals. Kashimi

42
00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:41.800
<v Speaker 1>and Koga take this idea further by suggesting that the

43
00:02:41.800 --> 00:02:45.280
<v Speaker 1>goals we set not only influence our actions, but also

44
00:02:45.280 --> 00:02:48.840
<v Speaker 1>shape our emotions. First, you decide what you want, and

45
00:02:48.879 --> 00:02:51.360
<v Speaker 1>then you create the emotions that will help you achieve it.

46
00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:56.039
<v Speaker 1>For example, imagine someone wants a job but becomes so

47
00:02:56.319 --> 00:03:00.680
<v Speaker 1>anxious about the interview that they can't prepare or even attend.

48
00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:03.840
<v Speaker 1>They think that if their anxiety went away, they'd have

49
00:03:03.879 --> 00:03:07.319
<v Speaker 1>a better chance at getting the job. However, Kashimi and

50
00:03:07.400 --> 00:03:10.439
<v Speaker 1>Koga would argue that the person's true goal is to

51
00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:14.240
<v Speaker 1>avoid the interview, so they create the emotion of fear.

52
00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:17.759
<v Speaker 1>The person doesn't really want the job. Their true goal

53
00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:21.000
<v Speaker 1>is to simply avoid the risk of failing the interview,

54
00:03:21.319 --> 00:03:24.919
<v Speaker 1>and fear helps them to that. Kashimi and Koga also

55
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:28.560
<v Speaker 1>address the argument that past trauma can stop people from

56
00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:32.479
<v Speaker 1>finding happiness. They counter by saying that not everyone who

57
00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:36.520
<v Speaker 1>experiences trauma is stuck in it. For example, while negative

58
00:03:36.599 --> 00:03:40.599
<v Speaker 1>childhood experiences may influence your goals, They would argue that

59
00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:43.080
<v Speaker 1>it's still up to you to decide what goals to

60
00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:46.400
<v Speaker 1>pursue and how to live to achieve them. In the book,

61
00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:49.919
<v Speaker 1>they write that no experience is in itself a cause

62
00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:52.599
<v Speaker 1>of our success or failure. We do not suffer from

63
00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:55.919
<v Speaker 1>the shock of our experiences, the so called trauma, but

64
00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:59.639
<v Speaker 1>instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.

65
00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.280
<v Speaker 1>We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning

66
00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:07.520
<v Speaker 1>we give them is self determining. They also explain that

67
00:04:07.560 --> 00:04:09.719
<v Speaker 1>no matter what has occurred in your life up to

68
00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:12.719
<v Speaker 1>this point, it should have no bearing at all on

69
00:04:12.840 --> 00:04:15.919
<v Speaker 1>how you live from now on. That you living in

70
00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:19.399
<v Speaker 1>the here and now, are the one who determines your

71
00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:23.319
<v Speaker 1>own life. So if happiness is within our control, why

72
00:04:23.360 --> 00:04:28.120
<v Speaker 1>would anyone choose unhappiness? Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappiness

73
00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:31.480
<v Speaker 1>is actually a strategy some people use to reach their goals.

74
00:04:31.959 --> 00:04:34.920
<v Speaker 1>As we've explained, the authors believe that the goals we

75
00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:39.279
<v Speaker 1>set influence our emotions. They argue that occasional unhappiness is

76
00:04:39.360 --> 00:04:43.720
<v Speaker 1>normal because everyone feels disappointed or frustrated at times. However,

77
00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:47.439
<v Speaker 1>those who are always unhappy are often driven by one constant,

78
00:04:47.439 --> 00:04:50.879
<v Speaker 1>frustrating goal, and this frustrating goal is related to their

79
00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:54.680
<v Speaker 1>relationships with others. This is an important point because Kishimi

80
00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:58.279
<v Speaker 1>and Koga suggest that your overall happiness depends on the

81
00:04:58.279 --> 00:05:01.920
<v Speaker 1>goals you set for your relationship. In other words, what

82
00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:04.560
<v Speaker 1>are you trying to achieve in your connections with others?

83
00:05:05.240 --> 00:05:08.199
<v Speaker 1>The answer to that question shapes how happy you are,

84
00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:12.079
<v Speaker 1>So your emotions and sense of self are shaped by

85
00:05:12.160 --> 00:05:14.800
<v Speaker 1>the goals you set, and the goal that most affects

86
00:05:14.839 --> 00:05:17.439
<v Speaker 1>your overall happiness is the one you set for your

87
00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:21.480
<v Speaker 1>relationships with others. Kashimi and Koga explain that there are

88
00:05:21.560 --> 00:05:25.759
<v Speaker 1>two main goals when interacting with others, seeking their approval

89
00:05:26.079 --> 00:05:28.639
<v Speaker 1>or aiming to make a positive impact in their lives.

90
00:05:29.079 --> 00:05:32.759
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga argue that unhappy people often make gaining

91
00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:36.040
<v Speaker 1>approval from others their main goal. Unhappy people believe that

92
00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:39.199
<v Speaker 1>true happiness comes from being seen as good by others.

93
00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:43.519
<v Speaker 1>Whether this approval comes from a teacher, parent, or society,

94
00:05:43.879 --> 00:05:48.680
<v Speaker 1>it always leads to the same result, unhappiness. Essentially, unhappy

95
00:05:48.680 --> 00:05:51.759
<v Speaker 1>people believe that being liked by others makes them a

96
00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:55.000
<v Speaker 1>good person. Many would argue that the desire for approval

97
00:05:55.079 --> 00:05:59.639
<v Speaker 1>and seeking validation is a natural part of being human. However,

98
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:03.519
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga explain that this is a mistaken view.

99
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:07.120
<v Speaker 1>They explain that humans don't seek approval to find happiness.

100
00:06:07.560 --> 00:06:11.399
<v Speaker 1>We find happiness in approval because it satisfies a deeper

101
00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:14.600
<v Speaker 1>need within us. So why is it that people seek

102
00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:18.399
<v Speaker 1>recognition from others? For Kashimi and Koga, in many cases,

103
00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:21.639
<v Speaker 1>it is due to the influence of reward and punishment education.

104
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:25.439
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga point out that even when unhappy people

105
00:06:25.480 --> 00:06:27.959
<v Speaker 1>manage to gain the approval of others, it comes with

106
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:31.199
<v Speaker 1>a heavy price. In their pursuit of validation, they end

107
00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:34.879
<v Speaker 1>up living according to someone else's expectations. In doing so,

108
00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:39.319
<v Speaker 1>they end up sacrificing their freedom and ultimately their happiness

109
00:06:39.560 --> 00:06:43.240
<v Speaker 1>in the process. They explain, to live one's life trying

110
00:06:43.279 --> 00:06:46.000
<v Speaker 1>to gauge other people's feelings and being worried about how

111
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:48.240
<v Speaker 1>they look at you. To live in such a way

112
00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:52.040
<v Speaker 1>that others wishes are granted. There may indeed be signposts

113
00:06:52.040 --> 00:06:54.480
<v Speaker 1>to guide you this way, but it is a very

114
00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:57.600
<v Speaker 1>unfree way to live. Now, why are you choosing such

115
00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:00.360
<v Speaker 1>an unfree way to live? You are using the term

116
00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:04.000
<v Speaker 1>desire for recognition, But what you are really saying is

117
00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:06.839
<v Speaker 1>that you don't want to be disliked by anyone. Unless

118
00:07:06.839 --> 00:07:10.000
<v Speaker 1>one is unconcerned by other people's judgments, has no fear

119
00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:13.040
<v Speaker 1>of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost

120
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:16.240
<v Speaker 1>that one might never be recognized, one will never be

121
00:07:16.279 --> 00:07:18.920
<v Speaker 1>able to follow through in one's own way of living.

122
00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:21.639
<v Speaker 1>That is to say, one will not be able to

123
00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:26.199
<v Speaker 1>be free. Being praised essentially means that one is receiving

124
00:07:26.279 --> 00:07:29.199
<v Speaker 1>judgment from another person as good, and the measure of

125
00:07:29.199 --> 00:07:31.839
<v Speaker 1>what is good or bad about that act is that

126
00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:35.160
<v Speaker 1>person's yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after,

127
00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:37.959
<v Speaker 1>one will have no choice but to adapt to that

128
00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:41.199
<v Speaker 1>person's yardstick and put the brakes on one's own freedom.

129
00:07:41.800 --> 00:07:46.360
<v Speaker 1>So we've established how seeking approval from others is ultimately unfulfilling.

130
00:07:46.839 --> 00:07:49.959
<v Speaker 1>But this isn't the worst result of making it your

131
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:53.720
<v Speaker 1>main goal. Kashimi and Koga argue that the real problem

132
00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:57.680
<v Speaker 1>is that this goal is often impossible to achieve. Most

133
00:07:57.680 --> 00:08:01.839
<v Speaker 1>of the time, approval depends on meeting others expectations. This

134
00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:04.160
<v Speaker 1>means that whether or not people approve of you is

135
00:08:04.199 --> 00:08:07.680
<v Speaker 1>out of your control and sometimes, no matter what you do,

136
00:08:08.079 --> 00:08:10.120
<v Speaker 1>you will not be able to make someone like you.

137
00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:14.319
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga explain that when earning approval becomes impossible,

138
00:08:14.839 --> 00:08:18.319
<v Speaker 1>unhappy people often react by setting a new goal. Instead

139
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:21.399
<v Speaker 1>of continuing to chase something impossible, they choose to stop

140
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:25.480
<v Speaker 1>trying altogether. They give up on trying to gain others approval.

141
00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:29.680
<v Speaker 1>In doing so, they create negative emotions like fear and

142
00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:33.879
<v Speaker 1>self hatred to justify their decision not to try. However,

143
00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:37.679
<v Speaker 1>as Kashimi and Koga explain, these people are still letting

144
00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:41.639
<v Speaker 1>their lives be controlled by the unattainable goal of approval.

145
00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:45.240
<v Speaker 1>By giving up, they don't truly let go of this desire,

146
00:08:45.840 --> 00:08:49.480
<v Speaker 1>They only make their emotional attachment to it stronger. This

147
00:08:49.559 --> 00:08:52.840
<v Speaker 1>deepens their unhappiness as they continue to feel the pain

148
00:08:53.080 --> 00:08:56.200
<v Speaker 1>of failing to reach something they've basically given up on.

149
00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:00.320
<v Speaker 1>The second goal they adopt is convincing themselves that something

150
00:09:00.360 --> 00:09:03.559
<v Speaker 1>about them is flawed, which makes it impossible for others

151
00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:06.480
<v Speaker 1>to like them. By holding on to this limiting belief,

152
00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:10.600
<v Speaker 1>unhappy people avoid the risk of not gaining approval from

153
00:09:10.639 --> 00:09:14.240
<v Speaker 1>others because they can simply justify it by saying they

154
00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:17.480
<v Speaker 1>are flawed or that something is wrong about them. However,

155
00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:22.120
<v Speaker 1>this keeps them trapped in a hopeless, miserable life, as

156
00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:24.879
<v Speaker 1>they now believe they don't have the power to change

157
00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:29.320
<v Speaker 1>whatever they think is flawed. Additionally, Kashimi and Koga explain

158
00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:34.000
<v Speaker 1>that the need for external approval doesn't just impact unhappy

159
00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:38.200
<v Speaker 1>people's self esteem, it also prevents them from forming healthy relationships.

160
00:09:38.600 --> 00:09:41.840
<v Speaker 1>The main reason for this is because unhappy people often

161
00:09:41.919 --> 00:09:45.919
<v Speaker 1>view life as a competition. They see others as rivals.

162
00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:49.440
<v Speaker 1>In other words, if someone else succeeds, it means they

163
00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:53.120
<v Speaker 1>have failed. This happens because approval is often conditional. It

164
00:09:53.159 --> 00:09:56.519
<v Speaker 1>depends on actions. Some people may like you for being funny,

165
00:09:57.039 --> 00:10:01.559
<v Speaker 1>others for being generous, and some for you career achievements.

166
00:10:01.840 --> 00:10:04.600
<v Speaker 1>These are tough standards to meet, and no one can

167
00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:08.080
<v Speaker 1>do them all perfectly, so naturally, someone else may earn

168
00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:12.440
<v Speaker 1>approval better than you. When others succeed, they raise the expectations,

169
00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:15.360
<v Speaker 1>making it harder for you to gain the same approval.

170
00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:19.799
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Coga explain that seeking external approval is a

171
00:10:19.879 --> 00:10:23.399
<v Speaker 1>zero sum game. The more someone else succeeds, the worse

172
00:10:23.639 --> 00:10:27.399
<v Speaker 1>you appear by comparison. In other words, pursuing approval from

173
00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:31.399
<v Speaker 1>others turns life into a competition with winners and losers.

174
00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:34.960
<v Speaker 1>This leads unhappy people to fear the success of others,

175
00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:38.519
<v Speaker 1>and it may even cause them to celebrate their failures

176
00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:42.559
<v Speaker 1>rather than offering them support, and this behavior is what

177
00:10:42.600 --> 00:10:47.639
<v Speaker 1>prevents them from forming healthy relationships. Kashimi and Koga explain

178
00:10:47.720 --> 00:10:50.639
<v Speaker 1>that once one is released from the scheme of competition,

179
00:10:51.039 --> 00:10:54.879
<v Speaker 1>the need to triumph over someone disappears. The second reason

180
00:10:54.919 --> 00:10:59.440
<v Speaker 1>why seeking approval harms relationships is because unhappy people believe

181
00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:03.840
<v Speaker 1>relationships are founded on sacrifice. An unhappy person's need for

182
00:11:03.879 --> 00:11:08.519
<v Speaker 1>approval can also damage their relationships by making them feel entitled.

183
00:11:08.919 --> 00:11:13.080
<v Speaker 1>Kashimi and Koga argue that because unhappy people spend their

184
00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:18.000
<v Speaker 1>lives trying to meet others' expectations, they become resentful when others,

185
00:11:18.440 --> 00:11:23.039
<v Speaker 1>especially those close to them, don't meet their expectations. In return,

186
00:11:23.480 --> 00:11:27.159
<v Speaker 1>the authors explain that an unhappy person feels wronged when

187
00:11:27.159 --> 00:11:30.600
<v Speaker 1>they do something nice for someone and don't receive the

188
00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:35.000
<v Speaker 1>gratitude or appreciation they expect it. For example, imagine someone

189
00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:38.080
<v Speaker 1>throws a surprise birthday party for a friend, only to

190
00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:40.879
<v Speaker 1>be offended when the friend doesn't do the same for them.

191
00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:44.679
<v Speaker 1>In this case, the person organizing the party is really

192
00:11:44.759 --> 00:11:47.919
<v Speaker 1>just using the friend to get something in return. If

193
00:11:47.960 --> 00:11:52.039
<v Speaker 1>the friend feels pressured to reciprocate but doesn't want to,

194
00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:55.559
<v Speaker 1>then that's when resentment begins. Now that we've covered how

195
00:11:55.600 --> 00:11:59.720
<v Speaker 1>seeking external approval can negatively impact your life and relationships,

196
00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:04.240
<v Speaker 1>let's examine the alternative and look at Kashimi and Koga's

197
00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:08.360
<v Speaker 1>advice for living a happier life. Kashimi and Koga suggest

198
00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:12.039
<v Speaker 1>that instead of seeking approval, happy people focus on helping others.

199
00:12:12.600 --> 00:12:15.399
<v Speaker 1>They find true joy in contributing to the well being

200
00:12:15.559 --> 00:12:19.360
<v Speaker 1>of those around them. For them, happiness comes from genuinely

201
00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:23.039
<v Speaker 1>believing that they are useful to someone. Kashimi and Koga

202
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:25.600
<v Speaker 1>argue that as long as happy people believe they are

203
00:12:25.639 --> 00:12:28.879
<v Speaker 1>helping others, they don't worry about what others think of them.

204
00:12:29.399 --> 00:12:32.159
<v Speaker 1>They argue that you must decide for yourself what being

205
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:35.399
<v Speaker 1>useful means. Once you figure out what's truly meaningful for

206
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:38.559
<v Speaker 1>your life, anything else will feel like a waste of time.

207
00:12:38.919 --> 00:12:42.360
<v Speaker 1>Even if you meet others' expectations but don't feel useful,

208
00:12:42.759 --> 00:12:46.000
<v Speaker 1>then you won't find happiness. They explain that if one

209
00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:49.120
<v Speaker 1>really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer

210
00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:52.279
<v Speaker 1>have any need for recognition from others, because one will

211
00:12:52.279 --> 00:12:54.759
<v Speaker 1>already have the real awareness that I am of use

212
00:12:54.799 --> 00:12:57.559
<v Speaker 1>to someone, without needing to go out of one's way

213
00:12:57.799 --> 00:13:01.159
<v Speaker 1>to be acknowledged by others. In other WoRDSS, a person

214
00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:04.879
<v Speaker 1>who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not

215
00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:07.919
<v Speaker 1>have any community feeling yet and has not managed to

216
00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:12.759
<v Speaker 1>engage in self acceptance, confidence in others, or contribution to others.

217
00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:17.200
<v Speaker 1>For happy people, helping others isn't a selfless sacrifice. It's

218
00:13:17.240 --> 00:13:20.080
<v Speaker 1>something they do mainly for their own benefit. While this

219
00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:23.679
<v Speaker 1>might sound selfish, Kashimi and Koga argue that it's perfectly

220
00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:26.919
<v Speaker 1>fine if your purpose in life is to make yourself happy.

221
00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:31.440
<v Speaker 1>Since helping others brings them fulfillment, happy people are able

222
00:13:31.480 --> 00:13:36.159
<v Speaker 1>to serve without expecting anything in return. Additionally, according to

223
00:13:36.200 --> 00:13:39.159
<v Speaker 1>the authors, the desire to help because it makes you

224
00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:43.679
<v Speaker 1>happy is a much stronger motivator than doing so simply

225
00:13:43.799 --> 00:13:46.240
<v Speaker 1>because it's the right thing to do. That is, because

226
00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:49.240
<v Speaker 1>pursuing self sacrifice to be seen as a good person

227
00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:53.200
<v Speaker 1>is just another form of seeking approval. Kashimi and Koga

228
00:13:53.240 --> 00:13:56.559
<v Speaker 1>also argue that anyone can find happiness by realizing that

229
00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:00.960
<v Speaker 1>just by existing they bring joy to others. Humans naturally

230
00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:04.120
<v Speaker 1>care about each other, and simply being around others can

231
00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:09.120
<v Speaker 1>be fulfilling without needing to do anything extraordinary. Building on

232
00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:12.960
<v Speaker 1>this idea, happy people believe that all humans have value,

233
00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:15.879
<v Speaker 1>even if they haven't done anything good with their lives.

234
00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:20.519
<v Speaker 1>Because of this belief, they can accept themselves fully, even

235
00:14:20.559 --> 00:14:23.440
<v Speaker 1>if they've made mistakes or aren't as well adjusted as others.

236
00:14:23.879 --> 00:14:27.440
<v Speaker 1>They understand that their presence is valuable to those around them.

237
00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:31.799
<v Speaker 1>This makes them feel good about themselves despite their imperfections.

238
00:14:32.279 --> 00:14:35.600
<v Speaker 1>While Kashimi and Koga acknowledge that some people do more

239
00:14:35.639 --> 00:14:39.120
<v Speaker 1>good than others, they point out that unlike unhappy people

240
00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:41.759
<v Speaker 1>who may see the success of others as a threat,

241
00:14:42.360 --> 00:14:46.200
<v Speaker 1>happy people celebrate it. Since happy people believe that everyone

242
00:14:46.279 --> 00:14:49.600
<v Speaker 1>can make others happy just by being there, they see

243
00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:53.000
<v Speaker 1>no need to view life as a competition. The success

244
00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:57.159
<v Speaker 1>of others cannot diminish their own worth as human beings. Finally,

245
00:14:57.399 --> 00:15:01.200
<v Speaker 1>happy people focus on the present moment, enjoying life as

246
00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:04.679
<v Speaker 1>it comes. Kashimi and Koga believe that we all have

247
00:15:04.759 --> 00:15:08.399
<v Speaker 1>the ability to choose happiness at any given moment. Kashimi

248
00:15:08.440 --> 00:15:12.000
<v Speaker 1>and Koga explain that many people think they need to

249
00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:16.039
<v Speaker 1>achieve something big to be happy, but that's not true.

250
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:20.559
<v Speaker 1>Anyone can find happiness by simply recognizing the positive impact

251
00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:23.600
<v Speaker 1>they have on others. They clarify that this doesn't mean

252
00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:27.200
<v Speaker 1>you should stop working toward future goals. Instead, you should

253
00:15:27.200 --> 00:15:30.639
<v Speaker 1>find meaning and joy in the journey toward those goals.

254
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:34.320
<v Speaker 1>That way, if your life ended suddenly, you wouldn't feel

255
00:15:34.360 --> 00:15:37.000
<v Speaker 1>like it was wasted. The key takeaway from this book

256
00:15:37.320 --> 00:15:40.600
<v Speaker 1>is that no matter what you do, it's inevitable that

257
00:15:40.679 --> 00:15:44.039
<v Speaker 1>some people won't like you. Therefore, the only way to

258
00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:47.600
<v Speaker 1>find lasting happiness is to accept this reality and have

259
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:50.159
<v Speaker 1>the courage to live a life you believe is good

260
00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.080
<v Speaker 1>regardless of other people's opinions. This is why it's crucial

261
00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:56.480
<v Speaker 1>to let go of the need for approval and develop

262
00:15:56.519 --> 00:15:58.039
<v Speaker 1>the courage to be disliked.