WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.679 on the iHeartRadio app. Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This 4 00:00:09.880 --> 00:00:12.039 is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show, and this is the 5 00:00:12.119 --> 00:00:16.280 time of my show where I answer your relationship questions. Reminder, 6 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:18.600 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. I do 7 00:00:18.679 --> 00:00:22.320 have a PhD in clinical psychology. I've written three books 8 00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:26.000 on relationships and did a dissertation on attachment theory because 9 00:00:26.079 --> 00:00:28.519 I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've also had 10 00:00:28.519 --> 00:00:34.359 a lifetime of experience. I've been everything. I've been a girlfriend, 11 00:00:34.679 --> 00:00:37.240 I've been a wife, I've been a divorce a I've 12 00:00:37.240 --> 00:00:40.079 been a mistress, I have been a single mom. I 13 00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:44.600 have been everything and in every situation. So let me 14 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:47.039 weigh in. If you'd like to send me a DM 15 00:00:47.079 --> 00:00:49.759 We're going to social media this week. Just go to 16 00:00:49.799 --> 00:00:52.679 my Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh and type away. I 17 00:00:52.759 --> 00:00:57.799 will keep your identity a secret. Okay, here we go. Hey, 18 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:01.560 Doctor Wendy, whenever me and my girlfriend argue, she hits 19 00:01:02.039 --> 00:01:04.560 really low behind the belt. I think you mean metaphorically, 20 00:01:05.400 --> 00:01:09.560 she calls me miserable because oh I had debilitating depression 21 00:01:09.599 --> 00:01:12.159 for a few months. She brings up things that I 22 00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:17.000 told her in confidence. Is this something someone will grow 23 00:01:17.159 --> 00:01:20.719 out of? Or are we just not meant to be? 24 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:21.959 Is that always the question? 25 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:22.040 Like? 26 00:01:22.200 --> 00:01:22.879 Is it going to work? 27 00:01:22.959 --> 00:01:28.959 Is it not? So it sounds like she is trying 28 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:34.480 to hurt you. She's betraying your trust. She's taking your 29 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:38.439 vulnerability and turning it around and using it as a weapon. 30 00:01:39.239 --> 00:01:42.760 So my first bit of advice is to tell her 31 00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:45.920 about it and set up a boundary that says something like, 32 00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:49.840 you know what, the next time you bring up my depression, 33 00:01:50.439 --> 00:01:52.640 I'm going to end the conversation and leave the room 34 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:56.480 and we'll have a conversation another time. Right, a boundary 35 00:01:56.519 --> 00:01:58.879 is protecting yourself. It's not trying to get somebody else 36 00:01:58.879 --> 00:02:01.840 to behave It's about what you need to do to 37 00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:06.000 keep yourself emotionally safe. Or you might say something like, 38 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:08.599 you know, there are lots of tender things I've shared 39 00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:11.360 with you. If you continue to choose to use them 40 00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.240 as weapons, then we're not going to be able to 41 00:02:14.280 --> 00:02:18.560 continue right in this relationship or whatever. I do believe 42 00:02:18.560 --> 00:02:21.120 people can change but they need to be told ahead 43 00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:25.159 of time, and they need to have boundaries followed by consequences. 44 00:02:25.879 --> 00:02:29.439 And I also highly suggest that the two of you 45 00:02:29.840 --> 00:02:34.120 enter therapy with a licensed clinician so that you can 46 00:02:34.199 --> 00:02:40.159 learn better skills, because if it continued, my prediction, my 47 00:02:40.240 --> 00:02:43.639 personal prediction, would be that it's not meant to be 48 00:02:43.639 --> 00:02:48.400 because you don't deserve to be hurt by the secrets 49 00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:53.599 you've shared. Okay, all right, scrolling away, moving on? What 50 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:54.120 have we got? 51 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:55.120 Uh? 52 00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:59.360 Oh, here's an interesting one. So hey, doctor Wendy. I 53 00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:03.639 keep finding evidence that my boyfriend is cheating. Yet he 54 00:03:03.719 --> 00:03:07.319 explains it away. He claims he keeps everything I find. 55 00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:11.159 He keeps everything I find is old. Oh and he 56 00:03:11.280 --> 00:03:14.879 just had a life before me. I have found underwear, pictures, 57 00:03:14.919 --> 00:03:18.840 love letters, and so on. My gut tells me he's lying, 58 00:03:19.719 --> 00:03:22.639 But how can I know for sure? You might be 59 00:03:22.680 --> 00:03:27.680 surprised by my answer to this one, which is, can 60 00:03:27.719 --> 00:03:31.080 you trust your gut? You see, here's the thing, you know, 61 00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:36.280 Years and years ago, I had a man who I 62 00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:40.800 was counseling, and he told me that he was telling 63 00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:42.680 all this evidence that he thought his girlfriend was cheating 64 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:45.879 on him. And I had a supervisor at the time, 65 00:03:46.599 --> 00:03:49.960 and she told me, you know, here's the thing. If 66 00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:53.680 somebody has an anxious attachment style and they have high 67 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:57.800 sensitivity to feelings of abandonment, then they're going to be 68 00:03:57.840 --> 00:04:01.159 really vigilant. What is this? Is this underwear? Is this 69 00:04:01.240 --> 00:04:05.280 a love letter? What could this be? Right? So she 70 00:04:05.400 --> 00:04:08.039 said she used the best expression, she goes, trust me, 71 00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:11.560 they always find something to hang their hat on. In 72 00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:17.439 other words, your anxiety might be real or it might 73 00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:20.920 be using all these little evidence to just continue with 74 00:04:20.959 --> 00:04:25.360 your anxiety. So I have a few things that I 75 00:04:25.360 --> 00:04:27.360 would say as far as behavior to do. The first 76 00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:31.040 thing is, if he's got this quote unquote underwear, pictures, 77 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:34.720 love letters or whatever, will he throw them away or 78 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:36.319 is he hanging on to them for some reason? And 79 00:04:36.399 --> 00:04:40.480 why you want to know about that? And the other 80 00:04:40.560 --> 00:04:43.480 thing is how often have you been able to trust 81 00:04:43.480 --> 00:04:46.160 your gut in the past? Has cheating been a thing? 82 00:04:46.199 --> 00:04:49.920 Because here's the thing. I don't mean to say that 83 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:53.439 people who are cheated on are responsible for that or 84 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:56.839 to blame for it. However, people who have a high 85 00:04:56.920 --> 00:05:02.879 abandonment anxiety unconscious fall in love with cheaters. Like it's 86 00:05:02.920 --> 00:05:05.120 like when two people meet they do a kind of 87 00:05:05.240 --> 00:05:08.800 unconscious handshake, and they're like, Okay, you promised to treat 88 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:11.319 me like my abandoning daddy. Cool, you're gonna treat me 89 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:15.279 like my critical mom. Great, we're on. And so they 90 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:19.040 do this dance of dating. Oh, what movies do you like? 91 00:05:19.079 --> 00:05:22.879 What music do you like? But underneath they're doing another dance. 92 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:26.680 I call it the parallel universe. So look about your 93 00:05:26.759 --> 00:05:29.439 look at your past. Have you experienced a lot of cheating? 94 00:05:29.879 --> 00:05:33.279 Are you naturally attracted to cheaters? Is this what's happening? 95 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:35.240 Because I hear people say I don't know what's wrong. 96 00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:39.120 I always just keep meeting cheaters. Are all people like that? No, 97 00:05:39.879 --> 00:05:44.000 you unconsciously pick them and you fix it. Am I 98 00:05:44.040 --> 00:05:46.000 going to therapy? Yes, it's the advice I give all 99 00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:48.399 the time because I benefit it from it so much. 100 00:05:48.800 --> 00:05:52.839 Going to be and finding out whether your gut is trustworthy. 101 00:05:53.319 --> 00:05:59.199 That's really the thing, Whether your gut is trustworthy. All right, 102 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:03.399 So when we come back, I want to talk about 103 00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:07.240 this next listener who wrote to me, and I want 104 00:06:07.319 --> 00:06:11.360 you to think about this for a minute. That her 105 00:06:12.199 --> 00:06:15.199 significant other, this dude who says he's her boyfriend, says 106 00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:20.160 they're committed but hasn't introduced her to anybody in his 107 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:25.600 life yet. Da Da Da da. Let's talk about what 108 00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:28.399 that means when we come back. If you'd like to 109 00:06:28.439 --> 00:06:30.800 send me a DM, the handle is at doctor Wendy 110 00:06:30.839 --> 00:06:35.040 Walsh on Instagram. Okay, we'll be right back. You're listening 111 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:37.879 to doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Ok I Am six forty 112 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:40.160 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 113 00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:45.680 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 114 00:06:45.879 --> 00:06:46.839 AM six forty. 115 00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:52.199 I'm still answering your direct messages on Instagram. If you'd 116 00:06:52.199 --> 00:06:54.240 like to send me one, the handle is at doctor 117 00:06:54.279 --> 00:06:57.959 Wendy Walsh. Okay, says this listener. I was single for 118 00:06:58.040 --> 00:07:00.839 seven years and it was so low only and hard 119 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:03.720 to connect. I met a man who is pretty okay. 120 00:07:04.680 --> 00:07:08.600 I'm gonna pause right there, pretty okay. Actually I'm a 121 00:07:08.600 --> 00:07:11.560 big fan of good enough relationships anyway, so I like 122 00:07:11.639 --> 00:07:18.240 that description. However, she continues. He says, we're in a relationship, 123 00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:21.720 but I haven't met his friends. He doesn't tell anyone 124 00:07:21.720 --> 00:07:25.560 about me, and he won't post our pictures. I don't 125 00:07:25.600 --> 00:07:28.879 want to be alone again, but I feel a bit 126 00:07:28.959 --> 00:07:30.879 alone with him. What do I do? 127 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:32.480 You dump them. 128 00:07:32.680 --> 00:07:35.040 I'm sorry. I'm just gonna be clear on this. A 129 00:07:35.160 --> 00:07:38.800 guy who says we're in a relationship but doesn't bring 130 00:07:38.879 --> 00:07:42.879 you out to his tribe, doesn't tell anyone about you, 131 00:07:43.639 --> 00:07:50.040 doesn't post your pictures, is either married or seeing four women. Honestly, 132 00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:53.959 this is not normal behavior for people who say they're 133 00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:56.120 in a relationship. He's there for the sex, trust me, 134 00:07:56.519 --> 00:08:00.639 dump them, move on. I rarely say that, but there's 135 00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:05.759 just too much. Uh. Okay, uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I 136 00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:08.279 miss my love. We don't live in the same state 137 00:08:08.399 --> 00:08:11.240 and we didn't want a long distance relationship. So I 138 00:08:11.240 --> 00:08:14.000 guess that means you broke up. Okay. I blocked him 139 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.839 because he was dating and I couldn't stomach it. Oh 140 00:08:16.839 --> 00:08:18.800 so I guess he was posting pictures on social of 141 00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:22.160 him dating or whatever. Should I reach out or stay 142 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:26.839 strong and keep the no contact? Okay? Just because you 143 00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:31.000 miss somebody doesn't mean that that person is the person 144 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:34.120 for you. It just means you have a feeling of 145 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:38.720 wanting to be with someone, a feeling of you know, 146 00:08:38.960 --> 00:08:42.840 wanting to be close, a feeling of loneliness. You know, 147 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:46.200 I've said this for years. You know, even if you're 148 00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:49.799 in a bad relationship. After the breakup, you're going to 149 00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:54.639 have to grieve because it's like losing a leg. But 150 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:58.759 don't forget that leg had gangrene. You don't need it. Okay. 151 00:08:59.440 --> 00:09:03.919 So you may miss somebody, but it's not about him. 152 00:09:04.200 --> 00:09:08.000 It's not because he's great. So yeah, keep locking him, 153 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:12.159 keep no contact, don't do it all right. These next 154 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:13.799 two are kind of interesting, and I'm going to read 155 00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.240 both of them, and then I want you to think 156 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:19.840 about it. Okay, First one says my partner has not 157 00:09:19.960 --> 00:09:23.360 told his ex wife and the mother of his children 158 00:09:23.799 --> 00:09:28.360 that we're in a relationship. He says he doesn't want 159 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:32.919 to upset her because quote, she's crazy already. I don't 160 00:09:32.960 --> 00:09:36.320 like that language. Is this a red flag? Or should 161 00:09:36.360 --> 00:09:39.919 I stay out of their relationship. I don't know how 162 00:09:39.919 --> 00:09:41.759 long you've been seeing him, but just saying now, Listen 163 00:09:41.759 --> 00:09:44.879 to the next listener who writes me, Hey, doctor Wendy, 164 00:09:44.919 --> 00:09:46.679 I'm dating a guy who's a great dad and he 165 00:09:46.720 --> 00:09:49.840 has a great relationship with his co parent. I know 166 00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:51.879 he'll be a great dad if we ever get to 167 00:09:51.919 --> 00:09:55.919 that stage. However, where's the boundary between great co parenting 168 00:09:56.480 --> 00:10:00.279 and alarming behavior with the ex. So we see two 169 00:10:00.279 --> 00:10:03.360 extremes here. We see one person who says, I'm not 170 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:05.919 going to tell my ex about you because she's going 171 00:10:05.960 --> 00:10:08.120 to be all upset and that's going to mess things 172 00:10:08.200 --> 00:10:10.720 up with me and the kids. The other one who's 173 00:10:10.720 --> 00:10:12.799 so close to his ex that you're kind of like 174 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:17.759 a little bit jealous and envious. There's no one right 175 00:10:17.799 --> 00:10:21.360 way to have a relationship, to have a blended family, 176 00:10:21.440 --> 00:10:24.559 to deal with your ex, first of all, but if 177 00:10:24.600 --> 00:10:29.519 you're feeling insecure about some way that your partner is 178 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:33.159 relating with their ex, then you need to talk about it. Right. 179 00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:36.879 So in the first case with the listener who says 180 00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:41.240 he doesn't want to tell her because you know she'll 181 00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:44.879 get upset, now, he doesn't have to tell her. He 182 00:10:44.960 --> 00:10:49.720 doesn't owe her anything. Now is the question will she 183 00:10:49.879 --> 00:10:52.240 find out? Because now he's going to introduce you to 184 00:10:52.279 --> 00:10:55.240 the kids, And I'm not a big believer in introducing 185 00:10:55.279 --> 00:10:57.720 to the kids until you've been together at least six months, 186 00:10:57.840 --> 00:11:00.360 come on, at least if not a year, get it 187 00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:04.080 solid before you become a revolving Dora of parental figures 188 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:08.000 in a kid's life. Okay, so he doesn't have to 189 00:11:08.080 --> 00:11:12.080 tell her anything, the fact that you want him to 190 00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:16.720 tell her tells me that you're worried that they're too close, 191 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:21.480 that they're having some kind of intimacy, emotional intimacy. Okay. 192 00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:25.559 The second listener says, I'm dating a guy who's a 193 00:11:25.559 --> 00:11:28.240 great dad. He has a great relationship with his co parent. 194 00:11:28.720 --> 00:11:33.399 You know, this week Doug em Off's you know him, 195 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:39.000 he's he's married to Kamala. Right, his ex wife posted 196 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:42.679 how much how happy she was that Kamala was such 197 00:11:42.679 --> 00:11:46.000 a good stepmother to her kids. I mean, that is unique, 198 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:49.759 and I think it's wonderful. But in order to maintain 199 00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:55.600 these relationships, you have to also have boundaries. So it 200 00:11:55.720 --> 00:11:57.679 sounds like when you say he's got a great relationship 201 00:11:57.720 --> 00:12:00.799 with his co parent, However, where's the boundary between great 202 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:04.279 co parenting and alarming behavior with the X? Well, the 203 00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:11.200 alarming behavior is if he's betraying confidences about your relationship 204 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:15.159 with him, right, and if he's sharing emotional intimacy with her, 205 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:17.440 if she's still his kind of like best friend and 206 00:12:17.480 --> 00:12:21.000 he's combining in her and he hasn't transferred those feelings 207 00:12:21.000 --> 00:12:23.440 to you where you are now his secure attachment figure, 208 00:12:23.879 --> 00:12:27.399 then that could be alarming. That could feel alarming, So 209 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:31.559 talk about it, talk about where the boundaries are. Say 210 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:34.879 things like I don't want you sharing information about our relationship, 211 00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:35.519 et cetera. 212 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:37.159 Uh. 213 00:12:37.480 --> 00:12:42.080 Okay, so it's hard negotiating with an X, but it's possible. 214 00:12:43.080 --> 00:12:45.879 One final question before we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm 215 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:48.200 so excited for a first date. This guy and I 216 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:50.720 have been talking for three months and we're finally ready 217 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:54.120 to meet in person. We talk every day. First of all, 218 00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:58.480 there's a problem with that, you guys, Please a couple texts, 219 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:01.320 a phone call, meet for coffee. The whole thing should 220 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:04.120 take a week before you meet three months now the 221 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:07.799 anticipation is so high, or if the person's catfishing you, 222 00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:10.399 you're so all in. Oh my gosh, three weeks and 223 00:13:10.440 --> 00:13:13.080 you have three months and you haven't met. So then 224 00:13:13.159 --> 00:13:15.759 she says, we confirmed our date, the date of it, 225 00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:19.039 but not the location, And then I haven't heard anything since, 226 00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:21.720 and when I bring it up, he changes the subject. 227 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:24.120 Our date is supposed to be tomorrow and we haven't 228 00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:28.960 spoken all day. Is this worth a conversation or should 229 00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:32.720 I just move on? There's a reason why he's not 230 00:13:32.840 --> 00:13:34.919 meeting you in the real world. Maybe you should call 231 00:13:34.919 --> 00:13:39.320 those guys from Catfish. Uh And why no guy waits 232 00:13:39.480 --> 00:13:44.039 three months? I'm sorry. Guys have energy. If they want 233 00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:46.720 a relationship, they want to get it done, they want 234 00:13:46.720 --> 00:13:50.000 to get close to you. There's some big secret there. 235 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:53.159 I promise. I think I might see you on Catfish someday, 236 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:56.000 because there's there's some reason three months you've been talking 237 00:13:56.039 --> 00:14:00.440 every day, Oh dear, all right, when we come back. 238 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:03.279 Earlier I talked about Simone Biles and how proud I 239 00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:05.960 am of her being what I call a poster child 240 00:14:05.960 --> 00:14:09.840 for mental health. When we come back, a licensed clinical 241 00:14:09.879 --> 00:14:14.759 social worker who is working hard to help children, particularly 242 00:14:14.919 --> 00:14:19.559 children of color, overcome their own trauma. You are listening 243 00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:22.360 to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six 244 00:14:22.519 --> 00:14:24.960 forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 245 00:14:25.799 --> 00:14:30.120 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 246 00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:32.200 AM six forty. 247 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:38.600 Earlier in the show, I talked about my new heroine, 248 00:14:38.840 --> 00:14:42.600 not heroin, heroin, hero hero Okay, she's just a shiro, 249 00:14:43.080 --> 00:14:48.600 Simone Biles and how she has become such a maverick 250 00:14:49.399 --> 00:14:53.039 for an a poster child for mental health and her 251 00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:57.480 own therapeutic process that is taking her again to hopefully 252 00:14:57.799 --> 00:15:00.720 another Olympic gold. She's in number one of the trials 253 00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:04.919 so far, so that's pretty cool. And it made me 254 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:11.679 think about how many children not only have high ACE 255 00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:16.000 scores you've heard me talk about ACE scores before, adverse 256 00:15:16.399 --> 00:15:23.200 childhood experiences, but also real trauma. And we know remember 257 00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:24.720 a few weeks ago, I had a guy on my 258 00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:28.600 show who was the researcher who developed the whole idea 259 00:15:28.759 --> 00:15:32.759 of journaling and language, and he found that the trauma 260 00:15:32.840 --> 00:15:35.879 stays in the body if it is not expressed. It 261 00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:41.360 is the words that help us heal. My next guest 262 00:15:41.879 --> 00:15:46.360 works with children, particularly children of color, to help them 263 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:51.000 find those words. I'd like to introduce Nia King, a 264 00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:56.799 licensed clinical social worker and her website is called kidonyx 265 00:15:57.080 --> 00:15:59.399 dot com. Nia, Welcome to the show. 266 00:16:00.399 --> 00:16:01.639 Hello, doctor Wendy. 267 00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:06.759 Tell me about your journey and why you decided to 268 00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:11.679 focus particularly on this area which is growing emotional intelligence 269 00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:14.360 and emotional vocabulary in children of color. 270 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:21.399 Well, a child like myself, I was very talkative. 271 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:23.600 I would talk back a lot, I would get in 272 00:16:23.639 --> 00:16:28.600 trouble a lot in school, and I always wondered if 273 00:16:28.679 --> 00:16:35.120 I would have had better emotional regulation or better coping 274 00:16:35.159 --> 00:16:38.720 skills would have gotten in that much trouble. So that 275 00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:41.320 kind of inspired me to become a therapist because I 276 00:16:41.320 --> 00:16:43.879 always wanted to help children so that they wouldn't have 277 00:16:43.919 --> 00:16:45.720 to go through the same things that I went through 278 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:50.559 as a child, and I always had a passion for it. 279 00:16:50.600 --> 00:16:51.960 I always had a love for it. 280 00:16:52.440 --> 00:16:55.679 And during the beginning of my career, I was working 281 00:16:55.720 --> 00:16:59.200 in Englewood and Los Angeles, and I noticed that a 282 00:16:59.240 --> 00:17:02.480 lot of the their tools didn't have any children of 283 00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:05.079 color in them, or even if they did, it would 284 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:07.119 be like one or two pictures of them in it. 285 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:10.240 And I'm thinking, if we're trying to get the next 286 00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:15.880 generation comfortable with mental health or comfortable with therapy, it 287 00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:17.559 has to start from a young age. 288 00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:20.079 So that's how kid. 289 00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:23.240 Onyx kind of came to mind, And I said, why 290 00:17:23.240 --> 00:17:26.240 do I make it a cartoon, Make it fun, make 291 00:17:26.279 --> 00:17:29.960 it entertaining so that kids will be drawn to it. 292 00:17:30.680 --> 00:17:33.759 And that is how I came up with my first 293 00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:36.160 Kings and Queens emotion cards. 294 00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:40.559 But before we get to the details of kid Onyx 295 00:17:40.640 --> 00:17:45.039 and how it works, now, you mentioned something a moment 296 00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:49.519 ago about beginning your career in Inglewood historically African American 297 00:17:49.559 --> 00:17:53.160 community in Los Angeles, and I want you to talk 298 00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:56.480 a little about a bit about the stigma that still 299 00:17:57.640 --> 00:18:01.799 exists regarding therapy in the Africa in American community. Is 300 00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:05.160 it changing, I would. 301 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.000 Say yes and no, because coming out of grad school, 302 00:18:09.279 --> 00:18:13.359 I saw a lot of black therapists and black people 303 00:18:13.400 --> 00:18:18.359 talking about, you know, mental wealth and therapy and coping skills. 304 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:20.200 And even in some of the TV shows, a lot 305 00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:21.920 of the black TV shows, they. 306 00:18:21.799 --> 00:18:27.559 Have a therapist on there. But in reality, the children 307 00:18:27.640 --> 00:18:30.920 are still thinking that if I have a therapist, that 308 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:35.039 means I'm crazy, or the parents are still telling me, oh, 309 00:18:35.079 --> 00:18:37.000 it's nothing wrong with my child. They're not crazy. They 310 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:37.880 don't need to talk to you. 311 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:45.599 So in theory, it looks like we're getting better at it, 312 00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:49.680 but in reality, in Los Angeles and Inglewood, it's still 313 00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:53.839 a little bit of a hesitance towards therapy because it's 314 00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:54.559 still a stigma. 315 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:58.680 The stigma still exists. And as another a colleague of mine, 316 00:18:58.759 --> 00:19:01.240 a person of color, said to me once, if you 317 00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:03.359 say that you're not feeling well in the head, they 318 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:05.559 just tell you. Your community tells you just go to 319 00:19:05.680 --> 00:19:08.759 church and get on your knees then, so the competition 320 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:11.519 is with religiosity, right. 321 00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:15.839 Right, And I always tell people, you know, religion is great, 322 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:19.680 that's a great coping skill. Prayer is great, but also 323 00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:23.920 let's incorporate some therapy as well, Like why can't. 324 00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:24.279 We do both? 325 00:19:26.200 --> 00:19:30.599 When you saw the reports of Simone Biles coming out 326 00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:34.440 talking about her recovery from her mental health crisis through 327 00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:37.720 the use of therapy, and also she couldn't take medication 328 00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:43.079 because they test them for drugs, right, So what was 329 00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:44.720 your first reaction when you heard about this. 330 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:51.160 I'm not really surprised that she struggled mentally because she's 331 00:19:51.240 --> 00:19:56.000 been ridiculed, you know, and talked about a national television 332 00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:58.960 for the past Harvard many years her career has been 333 00:19:59.400 --> 00:20:03.200 and when you're an athlete on that level, you know, 334 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:05.519 it's almost like can I do this again? 335 00:20:05.839 --> 00:20:07.759 You almost get like imposter. 336 00:20:07.400 --> 00:20:10.759 Syndrome because you've done so great in your career and 337 00:20:10.799 --> 00:20:13.359 it's like how long can I keep this up? So 338 00:20:14.039 --> 00:20:16.039 for I know a lot of black women in general, 339 00:20:16.160 --> 00:20:19.079 like we are you know, the most educated, and we 340 00:20:19.160 --> 00:20:24.640 have the most entrepreneurs and businesses, but we're always trying 341 00:20:24.720 --> 00:20:26.880 to do more because it's like as soon as we 342 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:30.680 make it to where we want to be, it's like, Okay, 343 00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:32.000 how can I sustain this? 344 00:20:32.119 --> 00:20:33.920 Or am I going to be able to top this? 345 00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:37.519 So it's really I mean, it's sad, but it's not 346 00:20:37.559 --> 00:20:39.640 surprising to me that she struggled. 347 00:20:39.960 --> 00:20:43.240 Because she's on such a high level and the world 348 00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:44.119 is watching her. 349 00:20:44.480 --> 00:20:48.359 It also makes me wonder and as a licensed clinical 350 00:20:48.359 --> 00:20:50.839 social worker, I'm sure you can comment on this whether 351 00:20:50.920 --> 00:20:55.480 the criticism online is a triggering of early trauma. I mean, 352 00:20:55.839 --> 00:20:58.599 here's a young woman who's there's no secret her parents 353 00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:02.279 struggled with addiction, her mother lost custody of her, she 354 00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:05.880 was put into foster care, and then eventually adopted by 355 00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:10.680 her grandparents. Later notoriously, she was a sexual assault victim 356 00:21:10.839 --> 00:21:16.400 of the famous team doctor Larry Nasser, and so she's 357 00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:19.400 been very public about having gone through this. But I'm 358 00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:22.759 wondering if the pressure to perform and the pressure to 359 00:21:22.920 --> 00:21:26.960 get criticized, the pressure from the criticism online, does that 360 00:21:27.079 --> 00:21:30.640 trigger some of this earlier trauma. 361 00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:35.559 I would say it depends on the person, but for her, 362 00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:38.160 at the level that she's at, I'm sure it's gotten 363 00:21:38.200 --> 00:21:40.359 to her because I even remember when she did an 364 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:43.519 interview with her husband, and there was so much ridicule 365 00:21:43.559 --> 00:21:46.599 about that that she spoke out about it. She was like, 366 00:21:46.680 --> 00:21:49.079 I see what you guys are saying, and I love 367 00:21:49.160 --> 00:21:49.680 my husband. 368 00:21:49.799 --> 00:21:50.640 You guys are wrong. 369 00:21:51.039 --> 00:21:54.079 So I definitely think that she's paying attention to what's 370 00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:55.079 being said online. 371 00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:57.279 It definitely bothers her at times. 372 00:21:57.519 --> 00:22:00.440 Oh yeah, of course. All right. When we come back, 373 00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:04.839 Nia King is my guest, licensed clinical social worker. She 374 00:22:05.119 --> 00:22:09.720 has decided to dedicate her life to helping children of color, 375 00:22:09.799 --> 00:22:12.079 and in fact, the lessons that she's going to share 376 00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:17.880 with us can benefit all children to have greater emotional intelligence, 377 00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:21.720 beginning with emotional language. When we come back, let's learn 378 00:22:21.759 --> 00:22:26.319 about her website, kidonyx dot com. You're listening to the 379 00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:28.960 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty We 380 00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:31.079 Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 381 00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:36.200 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 382 00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:37.200 AM six forty. 383 00:22:38.920 --> 00:22:43.119 My guest, Nia King, licensed clinical social worker who has 384 00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:46.640 dedicated her life to helping kids and particularly children of color. Now, 385 00:22:46.640 --> 00:22:49.279 you mentioned earlier that a lot of the tools that 386 00:22:49.400 --> 00:22:53.160 existed didn't have the representation of kids of color. What 387 00:22:53.319 --> 00:22:55.880 kind of tools are you talking about that are helping 388 00:22:55.960 --> 00:22:56.920 kids' mental health. 389 00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:01.799 So with working with who are as young as five 390 00:23:01.880 --> 00:23:05.440 years old, a lot of therapy is really teaching them 391 00:23:05.480 --> 00:23:09.599 about emotions. And during the pandemic, I had to get 392 00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:13.000 real creative because I wasn't able to be there with 393 00:23:13.200 --> 00:23:18.160 them in person. So I went through Amazon and on 394 00:23:18.240 --> 00:23:22.880 Google and I'm looking for coping skills cards, emotion cards, 395 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:26.079 and I'm looking through them and I'm like, where's the 396 00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:29.039 Hispanic children, where's the Black children. I don't see them 397 00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:34.400 represented in this area. And I was just like, we 398 00:23:34.559 --> 00:23:39.240 need this for our community. And one of my sorority 399 00:23:39.279 --> 00:23:42.720 sisters is a graphic designer, and I talked to her 400 00:23:42.759 --> 00:23:45.000 and I said, you know, I want to create these 401 00:23:45.039 --> 00:23:47.640