Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
Speaker 1: is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show, and this is the
Speaker 1: time of my show where I answer your relationship questions. Reminder,
Speaker 1: I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. I do
Speaker 1: have a PhD in clinical psychology. I've written three books
Speaker 1: on relationships and did a dissertation on attachment theory because
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've also had
Speaker 1: a lifetime of experience. I've been everything. I've been a girlfriend,
Speaker 1: I've been a wife, I've been a divorce a I've
Speaker 1: been a mistress, I have been a single mom. I
Speaker 1: have been everything and in every situation. So let me
Speaker 1: weigh in. If you'd like to send me a DM
Speaker 1: We're going to social media this week. Just go to
Speaker 1: my Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh and type away. I
Speaker 1: will keep your identity a secret. Okay, here we go. Hey,
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy, whenever me and my girlfriend argue, she hits
Speaker 1: really low behind the belt. I think you mean metaphorically,
Speaker 1: she calls me miserable because oh I had debilitating depression
Speaker 1: for a few months. She brings up things that I
Speaker 1: told her in confidence. Is this something someone will grow
Speaker 1: out of? Or are we just not meant to be?
Speaker 1: Is that always the question?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 3: Is it going to work?
Speaker 1: Is it not? So it sounds like she is trying
Speaker 1: to hurt you. She's betraying your trust. She's taking your
Speaker 1: vulnerability and turning it around and using it as a weapon.
Speaker 1: So my first bit of advice is to tell her
Speaker 1: about it and set up a boundary that says something like,
Speaker 1: you know what, the next time you bring up my depression,
Speaker 1: I'm going to end the conversation and leave the room
Speaker 1: and we'll have a conversation another time. Right, a boundary
Speaker 1: is protecting yourself. It's not trying to get somebody else
Speaker 1: to behave It's about what you need to do to
Speaker 1: keep yourself emotionally safe. Or you might say something like,
Speaker 1: you know, there are lots of tender things I've shared
Speaker 1: with you. If you continue to choose to use them
Speaker 1: as weapons, then we're not going to be able to
Speaker 1: continue right in this relationship or whatever. I do believe
Speaker 1: people can change but they need to be told ahead
Speaker 1: of time, and they need to have boundaries followed by consequences.
Speaker 1: And I also highly suggest that the two of you
Speaker 1: enter therapy with a licensed clinician so that you can
Speaker 1: learn better skills, because if it continued, my prediction, my
Speaker 1: personal prediction, would be that it's not meant to be
Speaker 1: because you don't deserve to be hurt by the secrets
Speaker 1: you've shared. Okay, all right, scrolling away, moving on? What
Speaker 1: have we got?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: Oh, here's an interesting one. So hey, doctor Wendy. I
Speaker 1: keep finding evidence that my boyfriend is cheating. Yet he
Speaker 1: explains it away. He claims he keeps everything I find.
Speaker 1: He keeps everything I find is old. Oh and he
Speaker 1: just had a life before me. I have found underwear, pictures,
Speaker 1: love letters, and so on. My gut tells me he's lying,
Speaker 1: But how can I know for sure? You might be
Speaker 1: surprised by my answer to this one, which is, can
Speaker 1: you trust your gut? You see, here's the thing, you know,
Speaker 1: Years and years ago, I had a man who I
Speaker 1: was counseling, and he told me that he was telling
Speaker 1: all this evidence that he thought his girlfriend was cheating
Speaker 1: on him. And I had a supervisor at the time,
Speaker 1: and she told me, you know, here's the thing. If
Speaker 1: somebody has an anxious attachment style and they have high
Speaker 1: sensitivity to feelings of abandonment, then they're going to be
Speaker 1: really vigilant. What is this? Is this underwear? Is this
Speaker 1: a love letter? What could this be? Right? So she
Speaker 1: said she used the best expression, she goes, trust me,
Speaker 1: they always find something to hang their hat on. In
Speaker 1: other words, your anxiety might be real or it might
Speaker 1: be using all these little evidence to just continue with
Speaker 1: your anxiety. So I have a few things that I
Speaker 1: would say as far as behavior to do. The first
Speaker 1: thing is, if he's got this quote unquote underwear, pictures,
Speaker 1: love letters or whatever, will he throw them away or
Speaker 1: is he hanging on to them for some reason? And
Speaker 1: why you want to know about that? And the other
Speaker 1: thing is how often have you been able to trust
Speaker 1: your gut in the past? Has cheating been a thing?
Speaker 1: Because here's the thing. I don't mean to say that
Speaker 1: people who are cheated on are responsible for that or
Speaker 1: to blame for it. However, people who have a high
Speaker 1: abandonment anxiety unconscious fall in love with cheaters. Like it's
Speaker 1: like when two people meet they do a kind of
Speaker 1: unconscious handshake, and they're like, Okay, you promised to treat
Speaker 1: me like my abandoning daddy. Cool, you're gonna treat me
Speaker 1: like my critical mom. Great, we're on. And so they
Speaker 1: do this dance of dating. Oh, what movies do you like?
Speaker 1: What music do you like? But underneath they're doing another dance.
Speaker 1: I call it the parallel universe. So look about your
Speaker 1: look at your past. Have you experienced a lot of cheating?
Speaker 1: Are you naturally attracted to cheaters? Is this what's happening?
Speaker 1: Because I hear people say I don't know what's wrong.
Speaker 1: I always just keep meeting cheaters. Are all people like that? No,
Speaker 1: you unconsciously pick them and you fix it. Am I
Speaker 1: going to therapy? Yes, it's the advice I give all
Speaker 1: the time because I benefit it from it so much.
Speaker 1: Going to be and finding out whether your gut is trustworthy.
Speaker 1: That's really the thing, Whether your gut is trustworthy. All right,
Speaker 1: So when we come back, I want to talk about
Speaker 1: this next listener who wrote to me, and I want
Speaker 1: you to think about this for a minute. That her
Speaker 1: significant other, this dude who says he's her boyfriend, says
Speaker 1: they're committed but hasn't introduced her to anybody in his
Speaker 1: life yet. Da Da Da da. Let's talk about what
Speaker 1: that means when we come back. If you'd like to
Speaker 1: send me a DM, the handle is at doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh on Instagram. Okay, we'll be right back. You're listening
Speaker 1: to doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Ok I Am six forty
Speaker 1: live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: I'm still answering your direct messages on Instagram. If you'd
Speaker 1: like to send me one, the handle is at doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. Okay, says this listener. I was single for
Speaker 1: seven years and it was so low only and hard
Speaker 1: to connect. I met a man who is pretty okay.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna pause right there, pretty okay. Actually I'm a
Speaker 1: big fan of good enough relationships anyway, so I like
Speaker 1: that description. However, she continues. He says, we're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: but I haven't met his friends. He doesn't tell anyone
Speaker 1: about me, and he won't post our pictures. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be alone again, but I feel a bit
Speaker 1: alone with him. What do I do?
Speaker 3: You dump them.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna be clear on this. A
Speaker 1: guy who says we're in a relationship but doesn't bring
Speaker 1: you out to his tribe, doesn't tell anyone about you,
Speaker 1: doesn't post your pictures, is either married or seeing four women. Honestly,
Speaker 1: this is not normal behavior for people who say they're
Speaker 1: in a relationship. He's there for the sex, trust me,
Speaker 1: dump them, move on. I rarely say that, but there's
Speaker 1: just too much. Uh. Okay, uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I
Speaker 1: miss my love. We don't live in the same state
Speaker 1: and we didn't want a long distance relationship. So I
Speaker 1: guess that means you broke up. Okay. I blocked him
Speaker 1: because he was dating and I couldn't stomach it. Oh
Speaker 1: so I guess he was posting pictures on social of
Speaker 1: him dating or whatever. Should I reach out or stay
Speaker 1: strong and keep the no contact? Okay? Just because you
Speaker 1: miss somebody doesn't mean that that person is the person
Speaker 1: for you. It just means you have a feeling of
Speaker 1: wanting to be with someone, a feeling of you know,
Speaker 1: wanting to be close, a feeling of loneliness. You know,
Speaker 1: I've said this for years. You know, even if you're
Speaker 1: in a bad relationship. After the breakup, you're going to
Speaker 1: have to grieve because it's like losing a leg. But
Speaker 1: don't forget that leg had gangrene. You don't need it. Okay.
Speaker 1: So you may miss somebody, but it's not about him.
Speaker 1: It's not because he's great. So yeah, keep locking him,
Speaker 1: keep no contact, don't do it all right. These next
Speaker 1: two are kind of interesting, and I'm going to read
Speaker 1: both of them, and then I want you to think
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, First one says my partner has not
Speaker 1: told his ex wife and the mother of his children
Speaker 1: that we're in a relationship. He says he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to upset her because quote, she's crazy already. I don't
Speaker 1: like that language. Is this a red flag? Or should
Speaker 1: I stay out of their relationship. I don't know how
Speaker 1: long you've been seeing him, but just saying now, Listen
Speaker 1: to the next listener who writes me, Hey, doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: I'm dating a guy who's a great dad and he
Speaker 1: has a great relationship with his co parent. I know
Speaker 1: he'll be a great dad if we ever get to
Speaker 1: that stage. However, where's the boundary between great co parenting
Speaker 1: and alarming behavior with the ex. So we see two
Speaker 1: extremes here. We see one person who says, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to tell my ex about you because she's going
Speaker 1: to be all upset and that's going to mess things
Speaker 1: up with me and the kids. The other one who's
Speaker 1: so close to his ex that you're kind of like
Speaker 1: a little bit jealous and envious. There's no one right
Speaker 1: way to have a relationship, to have a blended family,
Speaker 1: to deal with your ex, first of all, but if
Speaker 1: you're feeling insecure about some way that your partner is
Speaker 1: relating with their ex, then you need to talk about it. Right.
Speaker 1: So in the first case with the listener who says
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to tell her because you know she'll
Speaker 1: get upset, now, he doesn't have to tell her. He
Speaker 1: doesn't owe her anything. Now is the question will she
Speaker 1: find out? Because now he's going to introduce you to
Speaker 1: the kids, And I'm not a big believer in introducing
Speaker 1: to the kids until you've been together at least six months,
Speaker 1: come on, at least if not a year, get it
Speaker 1: solid before you become a revolving Dora of parental figures
Speaker 1: in a kid's life. Okay, so he doesn't have to
Speaker 1: tell her anything, the fact that you want him to
Speaker 1: tell her tells me that you're worried that they're too close,
Speaker 1: that they're having some kind of intimacy, emotional intimacy. Okay.
Speaker 1: The second listener says, I'm dating a guy who's a
Speaker 1: great dad. He has a great relationship with his co parent.
Speaker 1: You know, this week Doug em Off's you know him,
Speaker 1: he's he's married to Kamala. Right, his ex wife posted
Speaker 1: how much how happy she was that Kamala was such
Speaker 1: a good stepmother to her kids. I mean, that is unique,
Speaker 1: and I think it's wonderful. But in order to maintain
Speaker 1: these relationships, you have to also have boundaries. So it
Speaker 1: sounds like when you say he's got a great relationship
Speaker 1: with his co parent, However, where's the boundary between great
Speaker 1: co parenting and alarming behavior with the X? Well, the
Speaker 1: alarming behavior is if he's betraying confidences about your relationship
Speaker 1: with him, right, and if he's sharing emotional intimacy with her,
Speaker 1: if she's still his kind of like best friend and
Speaker 1: he's combining in her and he hasn't transferred those feelings
Speaker 1: to you where you are now his secure attachment figure,
Speaker 1: then that could be alarming. That could feel alarming, So
Speaker 1: talk about it, talk about where the boundaries are. Say
Speaker 1: things like I don't want you sharing information about our relationship,
Speaker 1: et cetera.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: Okay, so it's hard negotiating with an X, but it's possible.
Speaker 1: One final question before we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm
Speaker 1: so excited for a first date. This guy and I
Speaker 1: have been talking for three months and we're finally ready
Speaker 1: to meet in person. We talk every day. First of all,
Speaker 1: there's a problem with that, you guys, Please a couple texts,
Speaker 1: a phone call, meet for coffee. The whole thing should
Speaker 1: take a week before you meet three months now the
Speaker 1: anticipation is so high, or if the person's catfishing you,
Speaker 1: you're so all in. Oh my gosh, three weeks and
Speaker 1: you have three months and you haven't met. So then
Speaker 1: she says, we confirmed our date, the date of it,
Speaker 1: but not the location, And then I haven't heard anything since,
Speaker 1: and when I bring it up, he changes the subject.
Speaker 1: Our date is supposed to be tomorrow and we haven't
Speaker 1: spoken all day. Is this worth a conversation or should
Speaker 1: I just move on? There's a reason why he's not
Speaker 1: meeting you in the real world. Maybe you should call
Speaker 1: those guys from Catfish. Uh And why no guy waits
Speaker 1: three months? I'm sorry. Guys have energy. If they want
Speaker 1: a relationship, they want to get it done, they want
Speaker 1: to get close to you. There's some big secret there.
Speaker 1: I promise. I think I might see you on Catfish someday,
Speaker 1: because there's there's some reason three months you've been talking
Speaker 1: every day, Oh dear, all right, when we come back.
Speaker 1: Earlier I talked about Simone Biles and how proud I
Speaker 1: am of her being what I call a poster child
Speaker 1: for mental health. When we come back, a licensed clinical
Speaker 1: social worker who is working hard to help children, particularly
Speaker 1: children of color, overcome their own trauma. You are listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Earlier in the show, I talked about my new heroine,
Speaker 1: not heroin, heroin, hero hero Okay, she's just a shiro,
Speaker 1: Simone Biles and how she has become such a maverick
Speaker 1: for an a poster child for mental health and her
Speaker 1: own therapeutic process that is taking her again to hopefully
Speaker 1: another Olympic gold. She's in number one of the trials
Speaker 1: so far, so that's pretty cool. And it made me
Speaker 1: think about how many children not only have high ACE
Speaker 1: scores you've heard me talk about ACE scores before, adverse
Speaker 1: childhood experiences, but also real trauma. And we know remember
Speaker 1: a few weeks ago, I had a guy on my
Speaker 1: show who was the researcher who developed the whole idea
Speaker 1: of journaling and language, and he found that the trauma
Speaker 1: stays in the body if it is not expressed. It
Speaker 1: is the words that help us heal. My next guest
Speaker 1: works with children, particularly children of color, to help them
Speaker 1: find those words. I'd like to introduce Nia King, a
Speaker 1: licensed clinical social worker and her website is called kidonyx
Speaker 1: dot com. Nia, Welcome to the show.
Speaker 2: Hello, doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: Tell me about your journey and why you decided to
Speaker 1: focus particularly on this area which is growing emotional intelligence
Speaker 1: and emotional vocabulary in children of color.
Speaker 2: Well, a child like myself, I was very talkative.
Speaker 4: I would talk back a lot, I would get in
Speaker 4: trouble a lot in school, and I always wondered if
Speaker 4: I would have had better emotional regulation or better coping
Speaker 4: skills would have gotten in that much trouble. So that
Speaker 4: kind of inspired me to become a therapist because I
Speaker 4: always wanted to help children so that they wouldn't have
Speaker 4: to go through the same things that I went through
Speaker 4: as a child, and I always had a passion for it.
Speaker 2: I always had a love for it.
Speaker 4: And during the beginning of my career, I was working
Speaker 4: in Englewood and Los Angeles, and I noticed that a
Speaker 4: lot of the their tools didn't have any children of
Speaker 4: color in them, or even if they did, it would
Speaker 4: be like one or two pictures of them in it.
Speaker 4: And I'm thinking, if we're trying to get the next
Speaker 4: generation comfortable with mental health or comfortable with therapy, it
Speaker 4: has to start from a young age.
Speaker 2: So that's how kid.
Speaker 4: Onyx kind of came to mind, And I said, why
Speaker 4: do I make it a cartoon, Make it fun, make
Speaker 4: it entertaining so that kids will be drawn to it.
Speaker 4: And that is how I came up with my first
Speaker 4: Kings and Queens emotion cards.
Speaker 1: But before we get to the details of kid Onyx
Speaker 1: and how it works, now, you mentioned something a moment
Speaker 1: ago about beginning your career in Inglewood historically African American
Speaker 1: community in Los Angeles, and I want you to talk
Speaker 1: a little about a bit about the stigma that still
Speaker 1: exists regarding therapy in the Africa in American community. Is
Speaker 1: it changing, I would.
Speaker 4: Say yes and no, because coming out of grad school,
Speaker 4: I saw a lot of black therapists and black people
Speaker 4: talking about, you know, mental wealth and therapy and coping skills.
Speaker 4: And even in some of the TV shows, a lot
Speaker 4: of the black TV shows, they.
Speaker 2: Have a therapist on there. But in reality, the children
Speaker 2: are still thinking that if I have a therapist, that
Speaker 2: means I'm crazy, or the parents are still telling me, oh,
Speaker 2: it's nothing wrong with my child. They're not crazy. They
Speaker 2: don't need to talk to you.
Speaker 4: So in theory, it looks like we're getting better at it,
Speaker 4: but in reality, in Los Angeles and Inglewood, it's still
Speaker 4: a little bit of a hesitance towards therapy because it's
Speaker 4: still a stigma.
Speaker 1: The stigma still exists. And as another a colleague of mine,
Speaker 1: a person of color, said to me once, if you
Speaker 1: say that you're not feeling well in the head, they
Speaker 1: just tell you. Your community tells you just go to
Speaker 1: church and get on your knees then, so the competition
Speaker 1: is with religiosity, right.
Speaker 4: Right, And I always tell people, you know, religion is great,
Speaker 4: that's a great coping skill. Prayer is great, but also
Speaker 4: let's incorporate some therapy as well, Like why can't.
Speaker 2: We do both?
Speaker 1: When you saw the reports of Simone Biles coming out
Speaker 1: talking about her recovery from her mental health crisis through
Speaker 1: the use of therapy, and also she couldn't take medication
Speaker 1: because they test them for drugs, right, So what was
Speaker 1: your first reaction when you heard about this.
Speaker 4: I'm not really surprised that she struggled mentally because she's
Speaker 4: been ridiculed, you know, and talked about a national television
Speaker 4: for the past Harvard many years her career has been
Speaker 4: and when you're an athlete on that level, you know,
Speaker 4: it's almost like can I do this again?
Speaker 2: You almost get like imposter.
Speaker 4: Syndrome because you've done so great in your career and
Speaker 4: it's like how long can I keep this up? So
Speaker 4: for I know a lot of black women in general,
Speaker 4: like we are you know, the most educated, and we
Speaker 4: have the most entrepreneurs and businesses, but we're always trying
Speaker 4: to do more because it's like as soon as we
Speaker 4: make it to where we want to be, it's like, Okay,
Speaker 4: how can I sustain this?
Speaker 2: Or am I going to be able to top this?
Speaker 4: So it's really I mean, it's sad, but it's not
Speaker 4: surprising to me that she struggled.
Speaker 2: Because she's on such a high level and the world
Speaker 2: is watching her.
Speaker 1: It also makes me wonder and as a licensed clinical
Speaker 1: social worker, I'm sure you can comment on this whether
Speaker 1: the criticism online is a triggering of early trauma. I mean,
Speaker 1: here's a young woman who's there's no secret her parents
Speaker 1: struggled with addiction, her mother lost custody of her, she
Speaker 1: was put into foster care, and then eventually adopted by
Speaker 1: her grandparents. Later notoriously, she was a sexual assault victim
Speaker 1: of the famous team doctor Larry Nasser, and so she's
Speaker 1: been very public about having gone through this. But I'm
Speaker 1: wondering if the pressure to perform and the pressure to
Speaker 1: get criticized, the pressure from the criticism online, does that
Speaker 1: trigger some of this earlier trauma.
Speaker 4: I would say it depends on the person, but for her,
Speaker 4: at the level that she's at, I'm sure it's gotten
Speaker 4: to her because I even remember when she did an
Speaker 4: interview with her husband, and there was so much ridicule
Speaker 4: about that that she spoke out about it. She was like,
Speaker 4: I see what you guys are saying, and I love
Speaker 4: my husband.
Speaker 2: You guys are wrong.
Speaker 4: So I definitely think that she's paying attention to what's
Speaker 4: being said online.
Speaker 2: It definitely bothers her at times.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, of course. All right. When we come back,
Speaker 1: Nia King is my guest, licensed clinical social worker. She
Speaker 1: has decided to dedicate her life to helping children of color,
Speaker 1: and in fact, the lessons that she's going to share
Speaker 1: with us can benefit all children to have greater emotional intelligence,
Speaker 1: beginning with emotional language. When we come back, let's learn
Speaker 1: about her website, kidonyx dot com. You're listening to the
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty We
Speaker 1: Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: My guest, Nia King, licensed clinical social worker who has
Speaker 1: dedicated her life to helping kids and particularly children of color. Now,
Speaker 1: you mentioned earlier that a lot of the tools that
Speaker 1: existed didn't have the representation of kids of color. What
Speaker 1: kind of tools are you talking about that are helping
Speaker 1: kids' mental health.
Speaker 4: So with working with who are as young as five
Speaker 4: years old, a lot of therapy is really teaching them
Speaker 4: about emotions. And during the pandemic, I had to get
Speaker 4: real creative because I wasn't able to be there with
Speaker 4: them in person. So I went through Amazon and on
Speaker 4: Google and I'm looking for coping skills cards, emotion cards,
Speaker 4: and I'm looking through them and I'm like, where's the
Speaker 4: Hispanic children, where's the Black children. I don't see them
Speaker 4: represented in this area. And I was just like, we
Speaker 4: need this for our community. And one of my sorority
Speaker 4: sisters is a graphic designer, and I talked to her
Speaker 4: and I said, you know, I want to create these
Speaker 4: coping skills cards for children of color and.
Speaker 2: She was like, okay.
Speaker 4: So we worked on it for a year and that's
Speaker 4: when I came up with the Kings and Queens emotion cards.
Speaker 4: But I couldn't really find a lot of therapy tools
Speaker 4: that were geared towards people of color at the time.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about the beginning. You mentioned that children who
Speaker 1: are as young as five or even earlier than that,
Speaker 1: who are just developing language themselves. The first step for
Speaker 1: all kids is to learn to recognize their feelings. How
Speaker 1: do you do that?
Speaker 4: Well, you have to show them the faces, right, because
Speaker 4: social emotional learning is something that a child needs so
Speaker 4: that they can regulate their emotions as they get older.
Speaker 4: So a lot of times what I see parents do
Speaker 4: is when the child makes a certain face and when
Speaker 4: they copy their parent.
Speaker 2: It's like, no, don't do that. They kind of shut
Speaker 2: it down instead of explaining what it is.
Speaker 4: Right, And me, as a therapist, I'm helping them recognize
Speaker 4: the faces.
Speaker 2: I'm showing them pictures. I'm showing them cartoons.
Speaker 4: Before I had my cards, I would literally show cartoon
Speaker 4: characters and be like, what does that face look like
Speaker 4: to you?
Speaker 2: And they would tell me. I'm like have you ever
Speaker 2: felt that way? And they're like yeah, when this happened.
Speaker 4: So it starts very young and probably even before or five,
Speaker 4: because these kids are having tablets at one years.
Speaker 2: Old where they could see all these different things.
Speaker 1: So yeah, helping them name those feelings.
Speaker 4: Right, exactly, helping them name those feelings because they already
Speaker 4: have feeling as soon as they come off the womb,
Speaker 4: they're crying, right, so they.
Speaker 2: Already have feelings.
Speaker 4: But it's about recognizing them and being able to communicate them,
Speaker 4: because a lot of parents will come to me and
Speaker 4: they're like, oh, my.
Speaker 2: Child is throwing tantrums, my child is having these crying spills,
Speaker 2: and I can't get them to calm down. I don't
Speaker 2: know what's wrong with them.
Speaker 4: It's like, okay, so let's help them learn how to
Speaker 4: verbalize what it is that they're feeling, so then maybe
Speaker 4: you could help them better.
Speaker 1: Right, I'm going to tell you a wonderful story that
Speaker 1: will warm your heart. My youngest kid is a little
Speaker 1: bit on the spectrum and had a classroom aid and
Speaker 1: a behavior list when she was in elementary school, and
Speaker 1: she one of the first things this behavioralist did is
Speaker 1: ask her to do different emotions with her own face
Speaker 1: and take photographs and then she put them on her
Speaker 1: desk under like laminated and tape, and so whenever she
Speaker 1: would be frustrated and couldn't find her words, all she
Speaker 1: would do is point to the face of what she
Speaker 1: was feeling, and the aide knew, Okay, she needs a break,
Speaker 1: needs to go out outside and do cartwheels, or she
Speaker 1: needs this or needs that. And to this day, I
Speaker 1: think she has more insight and emotional intelligence than most
Speaker 1: people because at an early age she learned to identify
Speaker 1: her own feelings.
Speaker 2: Right right, it starts. It starts there.
Speaker 4: And one of the first clients that I ever had
Speaker 4: was only two years old and he was autistic and
Speaker 4: he was nonverbal.
Speaker 2: Well at the time they thought he was nonverbal.
Speaker 4: But pictures and getting him to recognize those pictures is
Speaker 4: what had him.
Speaker 2: Say his first words.
Speaker 4: So it's like that repetition and that those pictures and
Speaker 4: things that are familiar with them, that that's that first step.
Speaker 1: And I do want to say this that every human
Speaker 1: of every age could stand to improve their emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1: And I want to remind everybody I say this all
Speaker 1: the time that it's a three prong thing versus recognizing
Speaker 1: your own feelings and then learning to express them in language,
Speaker 1: and the third piece is recognizing them in others so
Speaker 1: that you can be emotionally mature and have some empathy
Speaker 1: for others' experiences. I think it is great work that
Speaker 1: you are doing. Niah King, thank you so much for
Speaker 1: helping out children. Where can people go to find out
Speaker 1: more or reach you?
Speaker 4: They can go on kidonyx dot com and I am
Speaker 4: also on Instagram at underscore kid Onyx, and I'm also
Speaker 4: on TikTok Underscore kid Onyx and I will post every
Speaker 4: week post coping Skills of the Week.
Speaker 2: I post when I have new.
Speaker 4: Products, and I also have a private practice that I
Speaker 4: see children through, so I'm very reachable. You can definitely
Speaker 4: find me on those platforms and reach out to me
Speaker 4: if you're interested in the product or if you're just
Speaker 4: interested in getting your child in therapy. That's that's what
Speaker 4: I do.
Speaker 1: And we thank Simone Biles and maybe even the movie
Speaker 1: Inside Out for starting to destigmatize therapy. I'm speaking as
Speaker 1: the beneficiary of eighteen years of therapy myself, so I
Speaker 1: know how what enormous change and joy that it can create.
Speaker 1: Although I always say to people, you know, therapy doesn't
Speaker 1: make happy, it makes you real, right, Absolutely, being authentic
Speaker 1: is what it's about. Nia King, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for joining us on the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. Thank
Speaker 1: you for that you are welcome and that brings the
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Wall Show to a close. You can always
Speaker 1: follow me on my social media. The handle is at
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Speaker 1: listeners there. You are welcome to join up. That's Patreon
Speaker 1: dot com slash Doctor Wendy Walsh, but I'm always here
Speaker 1: for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm on KFI.
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