Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. I
Speaker 1: am going to skip most of the intro because today's
Speaker 1: episode is going to be hard for me. It is
Speaker 1: going to be very serious and very deep. But one
Speaker 1: thing is certain about this podcast that I have created
Speaker 1: for myself and for you guys, is this is a
Speaker 1: place for me to express and to really process a
Speaker 1: lot of the things that I either go through or
Speaker 1: have been through.
Speaker 2: In my life.
Speaker 1: So this will also be very therapeutic for me, but
Speaker 1: of course very difficult. Now a lot of you guys
Speaker 1: have already seen on my community tab and or on Instagram,
Speaker 1: and this is going to be really hard for me
Speaker 1: to say, even though I've been saying this for the
Speaker 1: past few weeks.
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, my mother.
Speaker 1: My beautiful, amazing, unconditionally loving mother, had passed away a
Speaker 1: few weeks ago, and I know a lot of you
Speaker 1: guys know a little bit about her story in terms
Speaker 1: of of she struggled with addictions. And for anyone who's
Speaker 1: listening who either might be like friends or family, because
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of family might be watching this,
Speaker 1: or you just have never heard me talk about my
Speaker 1: mom's story, I just want to preface this to say
Speaker 1: that she always allowed me to kind of speak on
Speaker 1: her story a little bit when it comes to addictions,
Speaker 1: like I've never really got too much into it, but
Speaker 1: she was always aware that I would mention that she
Speaker 1: struggled with addictions the way that my dad did as well.
Speaker 1: So I just want anyone who might be thinking that
Speaker 1: I've never mentioned this before, that I have mentioned this,
Speaker 1: and she has always known that. Now some of you
Speaker 1: guys know, and I have been saying this for as
Speaker 1: long as I've been talking about my mom, that you
Speaker 1: know she struggled with addictions for many years in her life,
Speaker 1: all throughout my twenties. But honestly, when my dad passed
Speaker 1: away is when it really came to light that she
Speaker 1: was also struggling with her own addictions and mental health
Speaker 1: issues and all the things that she went through in
Speaker 1: her life. She kind of went down that rabbit hole,
Speaker 1: and it got continuously worse as I got older.
Speaker 2: And so I've been dealing.
Speaker 1: With this for a long time, quite honestly, being a
Speaker 1: child of two addicts and losing both parents to such
Speaker 1: a darkness. But of course I have learned so much
Speaker 1: from the loss of both parents and even the loss
Speaker 1: of the things that I knew that I was never
Speaker 1: going to get from her, even in this physical world
Speaker 1: when she was alive. And although I have done my
Speaker 1: own journey when it comes to self improvement and healing
Speaker 1: and glowing up and all that kind of stuff, separate
Speaker 1: from my parents, like my parents play a huge role
Speaker 1: in who I am today and why do the things
Speaker 1: that I do. So anyways, by the way, obviously this
Speaker 1: episode is going to be probably all over the place.
Speaker 1: I would say a lot that my mom had been
Speaker 1: doing a lot better than she was, and the truth
Speaker 1: is she was. I watched her get out of way
Speaker 1: worse circumstances that she was in, even the moments leading
Speaker 1: up to her passing, and I am genuinely incredibly proud
Speaker 1: of her and how far that she went considering her
Speaker 1: life circumstance and considering what was dealt to her and
Speaker 1: the darkness that she had to fight every single day.
Speaker 1: And addiction is I mean, it's something you don't fully
Speaker 1: understand until you go through it. And even myself, as
Speaker 1: much as I've seen it with my own eyes and
Speaker 1: I have even struggled with my own vices, I will
Speaker 1: never fully understand, you know, what it means to be
Speaker 1: inside of an attict's mind as much as I've seen
Speaker 1: it around me a lot, and it's just it's really unfortunate.
Speaker 1: It really is. It really is something that strips the
Speaker 1: most beautiful souls. I mean, I think everyone comes down
Speaker 1: on this earth as like just a beautiful light and
Speaker 1: a soul and whatever, and then unfortunately, for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: things happen in their lives and it gets to the
Speaker 1: point where sometimes you go as far as you know,
Speaker 1: not knowing how to deal with whatever the darkness is
Speaker 1: that keeps following you in whatever capacity that is, and
Speaker 1: you fall into that road. And unfortunately that was my
Speaker 1: mom's story, and as much as she was fighting against that,
Speaker 1: she didn't end up getting out of it. So the
Speaker 1: past few weeks have obviously been very difficult for me.
Speaker 1: I kind of want to talk about some of the
Speaker 1: things that I have just been, you know, going through
Speaker 1: experiencing and grieving, and I'm still obviously grieving, and I
Speaker 1: also would like to talk about how I'm going to
Speaker 1: be kind of honoring my mother and even my father,
Speaker 1: but my mother in a different light the way that
Speaker 1: I've always wanted to even when she was here, by
Speaker 1: like letting go some of this darkness that has been
Speaker 1: not owned following her, but also me and things that
Speaker 1: I have been carrying from both of my parents, because
Speaker 1: that's kind of what happens when you have parents who've
Speaker 1: struggled with these things.
Speaker 2: And as much.
Speaker 1: As this episode is basically just me using it as therapy,
Speaker 1: maybe this will give some other people comfort if you
Speaker 1: are struggling currently, whether you are grieving, or you're going
Speaker 1: through a breakup, or you're going through something very difficult,
Speaker 1: because I think that we just need more conversations around
Speaker 1: the fact that life can be very difficult and very
Speaker 1: confusing and very uncomfortable, and like what do we do
Speaker 1: about this? And not only have I seen it in myself,
Speaker 1: but I have seen it in other people, and of
Speaker 1: course I've seen it in my mother. I've seen it
Speaker 1: even in my father in certain aspects. But you know
Speaker 1: the realness of life that is so dark at some points,
Speaker 1: and so confusing and so uncomfortable. When we don't know
Speaker 1: what to do with that, we will go to things
Speaker 1: to numb that, to get rid of the feeling. And
Speaker 1: this is not even to blame ourselves, it's it's literally
Speaker 1: no wonders. People do the things that they do right,
Speaker 1: because sometimes we just don't know how to handle or
Speaker 1: deal with emotions. And this is why I have created
Speaker 1: the podcast that I have and I try and share
Speaker 1: with you guys what has worked for me when it
Speaker 1: comes to my mental health, because I have learned over
Speaker 1: my journey to do my best to just keep going
Speaker 1: and when things feel tough, to do my best to
Speaker 1: work with the darkness and work with the struggle and
Speaker 1: try to understand it more and try to work with
Speaker 1: it instead of resistant, instead of go to the things
Speaker 1: that are going to literally kill me as much as
Speaker 1: I can.
Speaker 2: And this is not.
Speaker 1: Throwing shade on the people who end up doing some
Speaker 1: of the hardest things or the hardest drugs or the
Speaker 1: hardest you know, things that just mess up their lives
Speaker 1: and then sometimes it just takes over them because I understand,
Speaker 1: Actually I don't fully even understand, because you know, only
Speaker 1: the people who've gone through it have understood. But I
Speaker 1: try and do my best to do my best, and
Speaker 1: even last night, I talked to myself a lot. I
Speaker 1: talk a lot in general. I think it's just the
Speaker 1: way that it helps me get through things in my life,
Speaker 1: and same with writing and journaling. I was laying in bed,
Speaker 1: and I was uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: I was so uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: This whole grieving process has been very uncomfortable for me
Speaker 1: because I'm somebody who likes to compartmentalize things, like I
Speaker 1: like to understand things, and then I can compartmentalize it
Speaker 1: in my head why it happened, and I can just
Speaker 1: like put it over here and I can just move forward.
Speaker 1: But I can't do that with my mother, especially with
Speaker 1: my mother, And quite honestly, this grieving process is completely
Speaker 1: different than the way that I grieve my father for
Speaker 1: many reasons. One because I was sixteen years old and
Speaker 1: I didn't even understand what it really meant to grieve
Speaker 1: a parent. I was not emotionally intelligent the way that
Speaker 1: I am now. I didn't know how to express my emotions.
Speaker 1: I just didn't know a lot of things. I also
Speaker 1: was with a mom who she wasn't really that avoidant,
Speaker 1: but there was just she was avoidant in some ways.
Speaker 1: It's not that if I came to her with anything,
Speaker 1: she would be like, go away, but like whatever.
Speaker 2: We just had the life that we had.
Speaker 1: And we handled emotions the way that we handled them,
Speaker 1: and so I didn't have a healthy expression of being
Speaker 1: able to really grieve the loss of my father. And
Speaker 1: you guys, a lot of you guys know I didn't
Speaker 1: have the healthiest relationship with my father. I was afraid
Speaker 1: of him a lot. I learned to suppress a lot
Speaker 1: of my emotions from him because that's what he did.
Speaker 1: So we had a difficult relationship in a way. So
Speaker 1: it was like I missed him and I had to
Speaker 1: grieve the loss of not having a father, and it
Speaker 1: was sad and I still have to deal with that.
Speaker 1: But I didn't have that attachment the way that I
Speaker 1: have with my mom. You know, my mom was my everything.
Speaker 1: She was my savior. I looked at her like she
Speaker 1: was like the only reason why I was living, And honestly,
Speaker 1: like the grieving process that I've had to go through
Speaker 1: is really grieving that like six year old version of
Speaker 1: me that knew that if I lost her at six
Speaker 1: years old, sorry or sixteen, but six years old, I.
Speaker 2: Would have been devastated.
Speaker 1: Like I don't know what I would have done to
Speaker 1: be left with my father, who I was afraid of
Speaker 1: and who I didn't have a good connection with, Like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, oh my god, I don't know what
Speaker 1: I would have done. But the truth is, even at
Speaker 1: twenty nine years old, when I found out that she
Speaker 1: had passed away, there was a part of me that's
Speaker 1: twenty nine years old that realized, Okay, I don't have
Speaker 1: that reaching that I once had with her, even when
Speaker 1: I was kind of grieving some of the realizations of
Speaker 1: what I was losing in a parent in my twenties
Speaker 1: that I was not going to get or I wasn't
Speaker 1: getting from her while she was here. But you know,
Speaker 1: I'm twenty nine years old now, I've created a life
Speaker 1: for myself that is a lot more safer than it
Speaker 1: was before. I'm still proud of that, and I feel
Speaker 1: really safe in my life. And so there was a
Speaker 1: natural process of me growing up and you know, kind
Speaker 1: of like not needing your mom in certain ways even
Speaker 1: though I needed her, even though I will always need
Speaker 1: her and it's unfair and it's just not it's just
Speaker 1: it's not fair. But there was still a part of
Speaker 1: me that I was grieving a lot the first like
Speaker 1: six days of my inner child, that was within me
Speaker 1: that was like, I know, I need my mom, Like
Speaker 1: I can't live without my mom, Like she is literally
Speaker 1: like one of one, Like there's some relationships that you
Speaker 1: have in your life that is just like you don't
Speaker 1: know how to live or breathe without it.
Speaker 2: Like, I still had that part of me that I had.
Speaker 1: To grieve, and I'm still grieving and I'll probably be
Speaker 1: grieving that until quite frankly, the day that I pass away.
Speaker 1: So anyways, with that feeling that is within me, I
Speaker 1: can't get rid of it.
Speaker 2: I can't get rid of it.
Speaker 1: It's not something that you need to even get rid of.
Speaker 1: And that's why sometimes the grieving process is so difficult,
Speaker 1: because it's like, this is deep.
Speaker 2: Pain that you can't get rid of.
Speaker 1: You have to move through it, you have to let
Speaker 1: it be with you, but it can be so hard
Speaker 1: and so difficult to hold that you just want to
Speaker 1: run away from. It's like this thing that's on your
Speaker 1: shoulders that you just can't get rid of. And what
Speaker 1: I have learned, and I've been learning this, you guys know,
Speaker 1: we've literally been talking about this on the podcast, which
Speaker 1: is crazy. You know, It's like, fuck, I've been going
Speaker 1: through a flare up, which is like nothing compared to
Speaker 1: this now, right, but I've been talking about how uncomfortable
Speaker 1: and difficult it is to deal with physical chronic pain
Speaker 1: sometimes and how you have to work with your body
Speaker 1: and you have to be with it and you have
Speaker 1: to accept it instead of run away from it and
Speaker 1: resistant and not want it even though it's so uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: But I've really had to learn this lesson now with
Speaker 1: the loss of my mom. How you know, I have
Speaker 1: to learn how to be in my day to day
Speaker 1: with this uncomfortable feeling because it's not going to go away.
Speaker 1: And I think a part of this uncomfortable feeling is
Speaker 1: really not having an answer for myself right, Like there's
Speaker 1: nothing that I can really do to make this change
Speaker 1: or make myself feel better. There really isn't It's just
Speaker 1: something that I have to feel and I have to
Speaker 1: move through, and I have to let myself sob and
Speaker 1: cry and feel that deep depression and that loss and
Speaker 1: that darkness sometimes, and it's uncomfortable to not be able
Speaker 1: to give myself a different answer. But what I was
Speaker 1: telling myself last night is like not knowing the answer
Speaker 1: is a part of the process, and it's okay to
Speaker 1: not know. It's okay to feel this way and be uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: and all you have to do is just keep going.
Speaker 1: And it's not about bulldozing over your emotions and your
Speaker 1: feelings in spiritual bypassing or bypassing things or trying to suppress. Right,
Speaker 1: you guys know, I'm an advocate for not doing that
Speaker 1: because I've seen what it's done to people in my
Speaker 1: life when they suppress. And it's not even their fault
Speaker 1: because a lot of people don't know how to not suppress.
Speaker 2: They don't.
Speaker 1: I've seen it with my parents. And so the way
Speaker 1: that some people do that is, you know, when your
Speaker 1: pain is so deep, you go to something that will
Speaker 1: numb it so easily, so quickly. But there's consequences when
Speaker 1: that happens. And I've seen that, and I've learned that
Speaker 1: within my own life, and I really try and stay
Speaker 1: away from that as much as I can. But what
Speaker 1: I have been telling myself and what I continue to
Speaker 1: try and do, even in the days where things feel
Speaker 1: like absolute fucking hell, is to keep going and keep
Speaker 1: going doesn't mean things are going to feel amazing or
Speaker 1: perfect or you're going to know the answer. Keep going
Speaker 1: just means move through it the best that you can.
Speaker 1: Just keep going to me means being with yourself every
Speaker 1: day on sometimes a moment to moment basis, especially if
Speaker 1: you're going through a grieving process or something similar, and
Speaker 1: listening to what you need and going in that direction,
Speaker 1: and that might mean you allowing yourself to feel your
Speaker 1: shame or your guilt or the things that you didn't
Speaker 1: do right, or you know, the sadness that you might
Speaker 1: be carrying in your life from something like you allowing
Speaker 1: yourself to feel, or you reaching out to people because
Speaker 1: you need them instead of avoiding, instead of suppressing. All
Speaker 1: of that is allowing you to keep going. And that
Speaker 1: is what I'm always trying to do in my life
Speaker 1: the best way that I can. And that is also
Speaker 1: something that my mom tried to do. I know she
Speaker 1: tried to do that as much as she could, and
Speaker 1: that is something that I'm going to continue to show
Speaker 1: up helping others, but also being an advocate of that myself.
Speaker 1: Is to do our best to when we need it,
Speaker 1: reach out for help when we need it, allow ourselves
Speaker 1: to feel when we need to release that shame and
Speaker 1: that guilt in that whatever the darkness that continues to
Speaker 1: plague us, and to release it the best way that
Speaker 1: we can, instead of going to things that might suppress
Speaker 1: that might obviously bring us to places where we do
Speaker 1: not need to be.
Speaker 2: And I think one.
Speaker 1: Thing that I am grateful for is being in the
Speaker 1: generation that I'm in right now with the resources that
Speaker 1: I have, And I feel like I have many more
Speaker 1: resources than even my mother had. You know, she lived
Speaker 1: in a different day and age, and she had different
Speaker 1: traumas and she had, you know, whatever resources that she
Speaker 1: had to be able to deal with her mental health
Speaker 1: issues and all the things that she struggled with in
Speaker 1: a different way. But I'm just going to do the
Speaker 1: best that I can with what I have, and I'm
Speaker 1: going to just keep going.
Speaker 2: But at the end of the day, I know my mom.
Speaker 1: Fought until that last day. And when I went to
Speaker 1: pick up some of her stuff from her room, she
Speaker 1: had this chalkboard. She, by the way, was not really
Speaker 1: a very like organized person. She was like opposite of me.
Speaker 1: I'm like a Type A person, she's Type B. But
Speaker 1: also I really love that about her because I feel
Speaker 1: like she taught me how to be like less of
Speaker 1: a control.
Speaker 2: Freak in many ways.
Speaker 1: But there's many reasons why I've been a control freak
Speaker 1: because I've had to be and I've had to be
Speaker 1: very responsible in my life in this that anyways, she
Speaker 1: definitely tried to be organized and you know, have like
Speaker 1: affirmations and stuff to kind of lift up her mood
Speaker 1: and this that, And I knew she was gonna have
Speaker 1: something written on that chalkboard. I didn't know what it
Speaker 1: was going to be, but I just knew that there
Speaker 1: was going to be something on there. And when I
Speaker 1: went into her room, it said today is your day.
Speaker 1: And it just made me think about a few things. One,
Speaker 1: she was never wanting to leave this earth, really like,
Speaker 1: I just always have known that she's always fought. Even
Speaker 1: through all of the things that she's she had been
Speaker 1: through and she was struggling through, she still had that
Speaker 1: fight in her. And I think that that is like
Speaker 1: the only thing that we can ever wish for for
Speaker 1: anyone and even ourselves, right Like, there's just going to
Speaker 1: be some people who unfortunately there are time to come
Speaker 1: when their time comes. But I think that I would
Speaker 1: hope that she would be really proud of herself that
Speaker 1: she still fought. But I also really like that affirmation
Speaker 1: in that quote because that's kind of how I view
Speaker 1: my life. As much as I can, I really look
Speaker 1: at my days like I can own it, I can
Speaker 1: work with it. I can really make this day whatever
Speaker 1: it needs to be, even if it's a hard day.
Speaker 2: Like I can do it.
Speaker 1: I can if I need to allow myself to cry,
Speaker 1: allow myself to mourn, allow myself to feel deeply like
Speaker 1: I have the strength to do it. And I think
Speaker 1: that's really important to instill within yourself when you're going
Speaker 1: through things that are very hard. And that's what I've
Speaker 1: done throughout my life, right Like, obviously I've gone through
Speaker 1: really hard things, whether that is my own self confidence
Speaker 1: or all the struggles that I have been through when
Speaker 1: it comes to health or my own little vices, but
Speaker 1: also of course dealing with my parental situation. There's been
Speaker 1: many days where I've had to look at my days
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, today's going to be my day,
Speaker 1: and this is how I'm going to navigate it. And
Speaker 1: partly how I'm going to navigate that is accepting the
Speaker 1: reality of what is, which is it's deep, it's hard,
Speaker 1: it's not going to be perfect, but I'm going to
Speaker 1: do the best that I can and that is just
Speaker 1: going to be good enough. And I feel like my
Speaker 1: mom had many of those days, and I'm very proud
Speaker 1: of her, and I hope that anyone who knew my mom, actually,
Speaker 1: every single person who has ever met my mom has
Speaker 1: always known that she has just been such a light
Speaker 1: and so beautiful even in her darkest days, which she
Speaker 1: didn't really show many people her darkest days, which I
Speaker 1: actually think that if you're going through really dark days,
Speaker 1: please show more people in the sense of reach out
Speaker 1: for help and don't do it alone, because you literally can't.
Speaker 1: But my mom really tried to have that mindset of,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to try my best to
Speaker 1: own this day the best that I can, and it's
Speaker 1: obviously reflected even in that affirmation. So I just hope
Speaker 1: that anyone who did know my mom knew that that
Speaker 1: was her mindset even as she passed away. And that
Speaker 1: is absolutely the mindset that I will continue to have
Speaker 1: and bring along with me and pour it out to
Speaker 1: you guys as well. And I hope that everyone who
Speaker 1: wants to honor my mom will do their best to
Speaker 1: try to adopt that mindset even a little bit more
Speaker 1: than you have, reminding yourself that today is your day
Speaker 1: and you can do it even if it's a hard
Speaker 1: fucking day, even if it's a very dark day. And
Speaker 1: when I left my mom's place, got a few of
Speaker 1: her things, actually a lot of things which I will
Speaker 1: show probably on maybe like my volog channel and or
Speaker 1: on Instagram. I have like this new bookshelf that's coming in,
Speaker 1: and I'm honoring her through a lot of plants. She
Speaker 1: was a huge plant lover. She had a huge green thumb.
Speaker 1: My mother was so into nature, loved plants, loved the farm,
Speaker 1: loved alpacas, loved animals, children. She sometimes I think I'm
Speaker 1: like this lady was. Actually I'm gonna show this picture
Speaker 1: as I'm talking about this, because like, look at her.
Speaker 2: She literally is an angel.
Speaker 1: If you're listening to this on audio, then I would
Speaker 1: highly suggest you come to the podcast channel and see
Speaker 1: like just an absolute angel on this earth. Anyone who
Speaker 1: met her knew that she was an age like I
Speaker 1: just I can't like I could go on for days,
Speaker 1: but sometimes I just think, like with the darkness and
Speaker 1: the craziness of this.
Speaker 2: World, she just like was way too good. She was
Speaker 2: just like way too good for.
Speaker 1: The darkness and the shit that she had gone through
Speaker 1: in her life, because she was just so kind and
Speaker 1: sweet and loving and amazing, and you know she will
Speaker 1: do amazing being my angel. She is my angel. She
Speaker 1: was on this earth and she will be in heaven.
Speaker 1: But with that said, I am going to honor her
Speaker 1: and remind her in a way that she should always be,
Speaker 1: which is a lot of light and a lot of strength,
Speaker 1: because that's what she was outside of the darkness and
Speaker 1: the addiction and everything else that you know, unfortunately plagued her.
Speaker 1: And that is another thing that I hope that if
Speaker 1: anyone knew my mom or wants to, you know, celebrate
Speaker 1: her or remember her in any way, is to just
Speaker 1: remember her when you're out in nature, because she will
Speaker 1: be there. And that's how I always think of her.
Speaker 1: Anything peaceful in my life, I always think about my mom.
Speaker 1: Also when it comes to plants, like I got a
Speaker 1: bunch of new plants, and those are all a representation
Speaker 1: of her. And there's going to be many other things
Speaker 1: that I connect with that will always remind me of her.
Speaker 1: But I just know that she will always be with me.
Speaker 1: And you know, coming back to how amazing my mom was,
Speaker 1: she was very unconditionally loving. She was literally the most
Speaker 1: unconditionally loving person that I have ever met. And I
Speaker 1: think that, you know, I don't know why people come
Speaker 1: down here on this earth, and I think that there's
Speaker 1: always a reason. I don't know if this was her
Speaker 1: reason or what the plan was for her, Like you know,
Speaker 1: I'll never know, I'll never fully know, but obviously I'm
Speaker 1: gonna kind of think about what's going to make me
Speaker 1: feel the best. And I think that a huge part
Speaker 1: of what she did on this earth she completed, which
Speaker 1: was to love me unconditionally.
Speaker 2: A lot of people don't get that.
Speaker 1: And you know, as much as I'm going to absolutely
Speaker 1: miss her, and I'm going to have to grieve this loss,
Speaker 1: and it's going to be difficult, and I think that
Speaker 1: in a few years it's going to feel I don't,
Speaker 1: you know, there's going to be times in my life
Speaker 1: where it's going to feel harder than others, depending on
Speaker 1: like the milestones and things that I go through. But
Speaker 1: one thing that will never leave me, and it never
Speaker 1: left me even as I was kind of going through
Speaker 1: some of the grieving process of her, even in the
Speaker 1: physical realm year in my twenties, based off of like
Speaker 1: her addictions and stuff like that and the things that
Speaker 1: I had lost through that time, what remains is the
Speaker 1: love that she gave to me, and that doesn't go away.
Speaker 2: It will never go away.
Speaker 1: And I'm really really thankful and I feel really really
Speaker 1: grateful and like blessed that she did that despite all
Speaker 1: of the things that I knew she carried when it
Speaker 1: came to shame and guilt that one does carry.
Speaker 2: When you, you.
Speaker 1: Know, go through addictions or anything else. Like there's so
Speaker 1: many things that we carry within ourselves, and I knew
Speaker 1: that she did carry that. But at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, I am so incredibly grateful that I had
Speaker 1: a mom who loved me unconditionally, and you know, that
Speaker 1: comes out in the way that I learn how to
Speaker 1: love myself, and it's like a feeling that I just
Speaker 1: will never get rid of, even if I wanted to.
Speaker 1: And so I think that at least one of her
Speaker 1: things that she was supposed to do on this earth,
Speaker 1: she did. And I hope that people remember that, the
Speaker 1: people who knew her as well, because I know there's
Speaker 1: a lot of people who also did know her for
Speaker 1: her addictions and this that at least what I am saying,
Speaker 1: being her child, that I am going to remember the
Speaker 1: good and the light that she gave to this world
Speaker 1: essentially and to me.
Speaker 2: And she did her job okay, and.
Speaker 1: I was actually and I'm going to bring it back
Speaker 1: to today's you Dad, I'm going to like keep that
Speaker 1: in my mind and I'm going all over the place,
Speaker 1: but it is what it is. But I do want
Speaker 1: to talk about that because there was a few signs
Speaker 1: that she sent me. But I was talking to actually
Speaker 1: my aunt about this, and she's like my second mom, Like, honestly,
Speaker 1: he's always been there for me through the times that
Speaker 1: my mom couldn't even my other aunt, like my whole
Speaker 1: family has realistically, but I grew up very close with
Speaker 1: my two cousins and their mom.
Speaker 2: So my aunt I call her Aunt.
Speaker 1: Baba always, And we were having a conversation about how,
Speaker 1: you know, moving forward even though I will have to
Speaker 1: still grieve and there will be lots of these where
Speaker 1: it's hard, and there has been many days guys, like
Speaker 1: the way that I'm talking right now in the podcast
Speaker 1: is very like pretty normal. But just know that, yes,
Speaker 1: I have been down bad as one would, which is fine.
Speaker 1: But she was talking to me about how you know,
Speaker 1: your mom is no longer plagued and having to wake
Speaker 1: up every day and battle with darkness and depression and
Speaker 1: mental health and things that she felt like she couldn't
Speaker 1: handle anymore, and she would not be at peace right
Speaker 1: now if she knew that you were down here holding that,
Speaker 1: and eventually you're gonna need to learn to release the
Speaker 1: things that are not yours, release that darkness, release that trauma,
Speaker 1: release the things that are not meant to be yours.
Speaker 1: And realistically, that was what my mom was carrying as well.
Speaker 1: A lot of that stuff that she was running away from.
Speaker 1: She didn't know how to deal with them. But a
Speaker 1: lot of it was not hers, and a lot of
Speaker 1: it is not ours. It's generational, right, it's this constant
Speaker 1: just passed down from even if it's not our parents,
Speaker 1: just shit that's happened in our lives. And she was
Speaker 1: talking about how let's remember the good, the light, the
Speaker 1: beautiful aspects of your mother and the things that she's
Speaker 1: given you, which I am, the unconditional love, the just
Speaker 1: oh my god, my mom's given me and made me
Speaker 1: into such a amazing woman that I just I am
Speaker 1: her daughter, and I'm just really really grateful for that,
Speaker 1: because I think that she was. I always look at
Speaker 1: her like just the it girl, the fucking amazing like
Speaker 1: anyone who met her. Again, they fell in love with
Speaker 1: her realistically. So I love that and I will always
Speaker 1: keep that within a part of me. But she was saying,
Speaker 1: you know, even for my aunt, she had the same
Speaker 1: parents as my mom did, and they struggled with their
Speaker 1: own like addictions and things like that. I come from
Speaker 1: a long line of that. Unfortunately, there comes a point
Speaker 1: in time where you really have to look at that
Speaker 1: darkness and that depression and that you know, those dark
Speaker 1: clouds essentially, and realize, I can let this go. This
Speaker 1: is not mine to hold anymore, okay, And you know, yes,
Speaker 1: I talk about the days where you do hold it
Speaker 1: and you do mourn that, or you do feel that
Speaker 1: through negative emotion. Is not something that we need to
Speaker 1: even suppress and run away from. It's a normal, natural
Speaker 1: part of life. But I have carried a lot of trauma.
Speaker 1: I have carried a lot of darkness from my parents
Speaker 1: that I need to release moving forward. And my mom
Speaker 1: would want that. My mom would hate the fact that
Speaker 1: I'm still down here. As she has released that, you know,
Speaker 1: she's in heaven now she does not have to deal
Speaker 1: with that darkness anymore and wake up and have to
Speaker 1: decide whether I want to, you know, suppress or not
Speaker 1: none of that. She is out of pain. She is
Speaker 1: finally the light and love and the wholeness of who
Speaker 1: she was when she came down here.
Speaker 2: When she was first born.
Speaker 1: She is that now, and she would not be at
Speaker 1: peace right now she knew that I was still down
Speaker 1: here carrying that. And I think I'm just saying that
Speaker 1: because I think it's important to remember and remind ourselves that, yes,
Speaker 1: we need to work through the trauma, and it'll kind
Speaker 1: of always be with us in certain aspects. We need
Speaker 1: to give ourselves a gift of letting go of the darkness. Okay,
Speaker 1: So if you're going through something that is not necessarily
Speaker 1: full yours, you know, that pain that is cultivated from
Speaker 1: your parents or people that have hurt you in the past,
Speaker 1: and this that give yourself some sense of letting that
Speaker 1: shit go because it is not yours to hold. And
Speaker 1: I think that the people who love you, the people
Speaker 1: who are either looking over you or the people that
Speaker 1: are still here with you, the light parts of them,
Speaker 1: the good parts of them, they would never want you
Speaker 1: to have to hold on to this shit. You know,
Speaker 1: even if people are hurting you and they've hurt you
Speaker 1: in the past, whatever you know, there's going to be
Speaker 1: a time where if we want to become the best
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves and we want to be.
Speaker 2: The light and love that we should be.
Speaker 1: In this world, we have to let go of the
Speaker 1: shit that does not serve us. And quite frankly, a
Speaker 1: lot of that is not ours. It's just passed down
Speaker 1: to us. And I think that we do a good
Speaker 1: job at really working through that. That's kind of what
Speaker 1: we're doing when you guys show up on the podcast,
Speaker 1: and all the work that I have done and the
Speaker 1: things that we continue to do better our lives, but
Speaker 1: it's kind of just this allowance and this reminder to
Speaker 1: let go of that darkness.
Speaker 2: And so what I really.
Speaker 1: Want this year to be for me and for you guys,
Speaker 1: is doing our best to remember the lights. For me,
Speaker 1: it's literally going to be remembering my mom in a
Speaker 1: really beautiful way through nature, through celebrating her life and
Speaker 1: the moments of just you know, finding signs from her
Speaker 1: and speaking to her, and you know, just remembering her
Speaker 1: in such a beautiful way and taking the positive aspects
Speaker 1: of her, which were basically everything, like literally everything, and
Speaker 1: channeling it into something beautiful, which I will make a
Speaker 1: lot of things that are beautiful in this life that
Speaker 1: will be through her, and allowing myself to release that
Speaker 1: darkness that is not mine, and also to work through
Speaker 1: that negative emotion when it does come up, because that
Speaker 1: is a real part of the process.
Speaker 2: And of course some of.
Speaker 1: Those things are allowing myself to cry, but also to
Speaker 1: rely on people and to lean on people, and I
Speaker 1: think that that is a huge part of working with
Speaker 1: negative emotion and darkness is not going in a place
Speaker 1: of isolation, which is something that I've had to constantly
Speaker 1: work against in my twenties. It's something that I've learned,
Speaker 1: unfortunately from both parents the way that they dealt with things,
Speaker 1: which ultimately led to I think partly, you know, having
Speaker 1: to go to something like drugs, because you know, when
Speaker 1: you don't know how to express when you feel like
Speaker 1: you're a burden, when you feel a whole lot of
Speaker 1: shame and guilt, you don't want to bring it to
Speaker 1: other people, you don't know how, and then you kind
Speaker 1: of bottle that up, and then of course it becomes
Speaker 1: too hard to hold sometimes and then you'll go into
Speaker 1: things that will kind of numb that pain. And so
Speaker 1: I've really had to learn not to do that the
Speaker 1: way that my parents have. But I have been somebody
Speaker 1: who has isolated and who does things alone, and it
Speaker 1: has really hurt me in many aspects. It's hurt my relationships,
Speaker 1: it's hurt myself, and so I've just been actively trying
Speaker 1: to not do that. And I think that through this process,
Speaker 1: I've really learned how to not isolate myself, although very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: But bringing it back to today is Your Day. A
Speaker 2: few days later, I spent the holidays.
Speaker 1: With my cousins and my aunt, and just like a
Speaker 1: few other people, I had gone back to my aunt's
Speaker 1: house before I was heading back home, and I think
Speaker 1: I was like watching something and I look up and
Speaker 1: she had this piece of art and I don't know
Speaker 1: if it was like a sunset or like a garden
Speaker 1: or something.
Speaker 2: I don't really know.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like a watercolor type of like piece
Speaker 1: of art. And there was a quote painted on it.
Speaker 1: And guess what the quote was? Today is your Day?
Speaker 1: And I was like, wow, Okay, these are some signs
Speaker 1: for my mom. Okay, this is like real, this is crazy,
Speaker 1: and mind you like the chalkboard today is your Day
Speaker 1: thing that she wrote, like she wrote that herself and
Speaker 1: then I went to my aunt's house and that was
Speaker 1: something that she had obviously bought from a store that
Speaker 1: said exactly that, which.
Speaker 2: Was wild to me.
Speaker 1: And then I go home and a few days go by,
Speaker 1: and I'm actually looking for a frame for this photo
Speaker 1: because it's beautiful and this is the photo that I'm
Speaker 1: going to have on one of these like bookshelves that
Speaker 1: I'm going to have dedicated to her. And I went
Speaker 1: to this one place to look for a frame and
Speaker 1: they didn't have what I wanted. And then I ended
Speaker 1: up going to another store and I was looking for
Speaker 1: something completely different, and I was like, let me just
Speaker 1: go see if they have any frames, and they did,
Speaker 1: and so I was looking at them, and low and behold,
Speaker 1: I find another sign. It's not the same sign as
Speaker 1: the one in my aunt's place, completely different color scheme
Speaker 1: and font and everything, and it says today is your day.
Speaker 1: So obviously those were some signs from my mom, and
Speaker 1: I'm sure that there's going to be many other signs,
Speaker 1: but it was a really good reminder, a positive reminder,
Speaker 1: and things that I want to continue to remind myself
Speaker 1: of when it comes to thinking about my mom. And
Speaker 1: you know what she did for me down here and
Speaker 1: how she made me into the person that I am
Speaker 1: in so many beautiful ways that will continue to.
Speaker 2: Stay with me.
Speaker 1: So the way that I am essentially moving into this
Speaker 1: new year is with first a lot of heartbreak, because
Speaker 1: this is the biggest heartbreak that I will go through
Speaker 1: in my life. I've always known that, and it will
Speaker 1: be hard. It has been difficult, and I actually wanted
Speaker 1: to say thank you to the literal hundreds of you guys,
Speaker 1: like I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of hundreds of people
Speaker 1: who have reached out to me, comments, dms, just everywhere
Speaker 1: supporting me and pouring so much love into me and
Speaker 1: just being there for me. I really really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: It really reminds me of my mom every single time
Speaker 1: I get one of your messages, because the level and
Speaker 1: the depth of what you guys say to me is
Speaker 1: just so beautiful, loving and kind and meaningful that it
Speaker 1: just reminds me of my mom, like it seriously does.
Speaker 1: And I know that it's also a reflection of the
Speaker 1: way that I've shown up on this podcast, Like you know,
Speaker 1: I've done my best to support you guys through hard
Speaker 1: times and to really try to be kind and all
Speaker 1: these things, and you know, when you go through life
Speaker 1: and you are kind and you are a good person,
Speaker 1: and you share and you do the best that you can,
Speaker 1: it will be reflected back into your life.
Speaker 2: It just will.
Speaker 1: And you know, partly that is my mom, you know,
Speaker 1: as much as Yak And I've done the work on
Speaker 1: myself and this that. But I've always said that my
Speaker 1: mom has taught me how to be kind and unconditionally loving.
Speaker 1: And I will say she was always nicer than me.
Speaker 1: Like there's been times where I've really had to learn
Speaker 1: how to be like a nicer person and I've like
Speaker 1: looked at her and I'm like, Okay, I need to
Speaker 1: be like a little bit nicer, you know, But that
Speaker 1: has obviously been instilled in me from her. Which this
Speaker 1: is why I say, like I don't know what her
Speaker 1: full reason of why she needed to come down here
Speaker 1: and what her like path was and this that, But
Speaker 1: all I know is that she did one thing right,
Speaker 1: which was be the best mom that she could have
Speaker 1: been down here despite all the things that she went through.
Speaker 1: And I'm saying this as her daughter. So if anyone
Speaker 1: wants to look at I don't know. Sometimes I think
Speaker 1: some people like hold redgigs on people who have gone
Speaker 1: through addictions, and I understand that, and I've gone through
Speaker 1: that process as well, but I'm no longer in that process.
Speaker 1: I don't hold that grudge. I forgive her for so
Speaker 1: many things. She owned up to, so many things which
Speaker 1: I am blessed that she did. But I am holding
Speaker 1: her to high regard and I respect her and I
Speaker 1: honor her, and I am proud of her. And she
Speaker 1: did what she needed to do, which was be the
Speaker 1: best mom that she could be, and she loved me unconditionally,
Speaker 1: and it is within me. It's instilled within me, and
Speaker 1: it is now being reflected out into the world, which
Speaker 1: is a legacy. And I will continue to remember her light,
Speaker 1: her love and do all of the things that she,
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, wasn't able to continue to do. Here
Speaker 1: that is now on me, and not on me in
Speaker 1: the sense of any sort of pressure, but to.
Speaker 2: Live out all of the good qualities of her.
Speaker 1: And like my aunt was saying, and like I also believe,
Speaker 1: I am going to release a lot of that darkness
Speaker 1: that does not serve me, did not serve her, and
Speaker 1: I hope that also if you are currently struggling with
Speaker 1: something you're grieving something, or even just I don't know
Speaker 1: how this message is going to resonate, but you know,
Speaker 1: really taking the lesson and that darkness and seeing it
Speaker 1: for what it is and accepting it for what it is,
Speaker 1: and that's just the reality of life sometimes, but also
Speaker 1: giving yourself the gift of releasing that and focusing your
Speaker 1: energy on the good positive qualities of that person, place,
Speaker 1: or thing or that lesson or whatever you can and
Speaker 1: turning it into something beautiful, becoming that alchemist.
Speaker 2: I have really been that.
Speaker 1: In many aspects of my life, and I will continue
Speaker 1: to do that even with this. Now, this is obviously
Speaker 1: a little bit different and way harder, and it's not
Speaker 1: something that I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna like learn
Speaker 1: this lesson and this is just like I'm going to
Speaker 1: be an alchemist and just see how my mom passed
Speaker 1: away and like that's that. Like it's not it's really hard,
Speaker 1: Like this is difficult. This is not something where every
Speaker 1: day I wake up and I'm like, Okay, well I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna use this to like fuel me and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. It's different in many ways, but the reality
Speaker 1: is there are still things that I will transform and
Speaker 1: bring to the world, and I know that that's exactly
Speaker 1: what my mom would want for me. So if anything,
Speaker 1: her wish would be to not worry and not hold
Speaker 1: the darkness that she did, and you know, continue to
Speaker 1: use my voice. My mom always was very proud of
Speaker 1: me for having this podcast, and she knew this is
Speaker 1: exactly what I was meant to do and to use
Speaker 1: my voice and to speak, and she always allowed me
Speaker 1: to even you know, some of the things I never
Speaker 1: really got into a lot of her story or addictions
Speaker 1: and things like that. I just kind of mentioned that,
Speaker 1: even like with my dad's situation and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: But she always gave me full range to speak my truth.
Speaker 1: And you know, she owned her her stuff as much
Speaker 1: as she could, and she just allowed me to have.
Speaker 2: Room to speak and grow.
Speaker 1: And I think that I wouldn't be here if it
Speaker 1: wasn't for somebody who allowed me to have that voice.
Speaker 1: So I hope that you guys will give yourself that
Speaker 1: voice as well, and whatever capacity that is. And my
Speaker 1: hope also is to instill that within you guys, as
Speaker 1: much as you can do your best every day to
Speaker 1: remind yourself that today is your day, okay, even if
Speaker 1: it's going to be hard. You can do it. You
Speaker 1: can do it. You can do it, and that is
Speaker 1: all that matters. And my hope is that my podcast
Speaker 1: and any content that I put out will be your guide,
Speaker 1: your best friends, your big sister, you guys, call me
Speaker 1: all of these things. Whatever you want to look at
Speaker 1: my content as, but hopefully it will be something that
Speaker 1: will help you through the process of you trying to
Speaker 1: be okay, because that's exactly what podcasts do for me
Speaker 1: through the hardest times. Journaling and podcasting has really helped
Speaker 1: me through the days where I felt like I couldn't
Speaker 1: do it alone versus me going to something that might
Speaker 1: have distructed my life. And again, this is no shame
Speaker 1: to anyone who is currently dealing with things as deep
Speaker 1: as addiction, the pain that you sometimes feel or you
Speaker 1: are running away from her you don't know how to
Speaker 1: deal with. I understand why you would go to something
Speaker 1: as deep as that is. Sometimes it's difficult. My hope
Speaker 1: to anyone that's dealing with things as deep as that
Speaker 1: or even not, that you reach out for help, you
Speaker 1: get help the best way that you can remind yourself
Speaker 1: that you can keep going. And you know what I'm
Speaker 1: clearly here to do is to contribute in the ways
Speaker 1: that I know how, which is right now my podcast speaking.
Speaker 1: So with that said, that's probably all I'm going to
Speaker 1: really say for this episode. This is not going to
Speaker 1: be the last time you guys hear about my mother.
Speaker 1: Of course, She's going to be within every single thing
Speaker 1: that I do. If you did know my mom, or
Speaker 1: even if you didn't, you want to honor her, I
Speaker 1: would love if you could honor her in the way
Speaker 1: that you feel the most inclined and most aligned to.
Speaker 1: I think that my mom would love to know that
Speaker 1: who ever knew her or wanted to honor her would
Speaker 1: do it in a way that felt the most comfortable
Speaker 1: and just the most authentic to them.
Speaker 2: Maybe one day you want.
Speaker 1: To take a nice long drive, listen to a song
Speaker 1: that reminds you of her, and think about all the
Speaker 1: good times that you had with her, you know, remember
Speaker 1: her for who she is, and also try and take
Speaker 1: some of those qualities that she had and be a
Speaker 1: better person in life. Be a little bit more positive,
Speaker 1: be a little bit more kind, be a little bit
Speaker 1: more understanding, be a little bit more unconditionally loving to
Speaker 1: other people. But mostly be a little bit more unconditionally
Speaker 1: loving to yourself, or maybe learn the lessons that she
Speaker 1: is teaching you or she taught us. Don't suppress, don't
Speaker 1: run away. And I'm not saying that my mom always
Speaker 1: ran away and always suppressed, but you know she she
Speaker 1: kind of did in some senses. And that's something that
Speaker 1: I learned from my mom as much as I could,
Speaker 1: is you know, you don't need to you don't need
Speaker 1: to carry some of the burdens that were not even
Speaker 1: yours on yourself. You don't deserve it. So if you
Speaker 1: can remind yourself of that. My mom really loved gardening
Speaker 1: and plants and flowers. So if you knew one of
Speaker 1: her favorite flowers or plants or anything that you just
Speaker 1: think that would remind you of her, maybe you could
Speaker 1: plant one of those in your own home or in
Speaker 1: your garden. Or maybe the next time you go to
Speaker 1: a farm or you see in alpaca, just know that
Speaker 1: my mom is probably with you, because she really loved
Speaker 1: farms in alpacas or nature. Just taking a moment outside
Speaker 1: in nature and just remembering. I also light a lot
Speaker 1: of incense that really reminds me of my mom, because
Speaker 1: that's kind of what I grew up around even my
Speaker 1: father to lighting incense. I think just like welcoming energy
Speaker 1: into my space actually makes me feel more as if
Speaker 1: her spirit is around me. I also write a lot
Speaker 1: in journal, a lot I think if anyone, and this
Speaker 1: is maybe even if you're not necessarily honoring my mom,
Speaker 1: but maybe you're honoring somebody else, or you're grieving the
Speaker 1: loss of somebody else. Right to that person, you know,
Speaker 1: say the things that you've always wanted to say, communicate
Speaker 1: with them, talk to them. That is something that you
Speaker 1: can do whenever. And that person is not going away,
Speaker 1: like they're really not. That's just how I feel. So
Speaker 1: I kind of like have these little portals in ways
Speaker 1: that I connect with my mom, and it really keeps
Speaker 1: me grounded knowing that she's not fully gone. If I
Speaker 1: were to think about what my mom would really want
Speaker 1: for myself and for all the people that she knew,
Speaker 1: and even you guys, if you guys, you know some
Speaker 1: of you guys who don't know her, didn't know her,
Speaker 1: is to wake up and just continue to do the
Speaker 1: best you can and fight for yourself, fight for your life,
Speaker 1: and fight for a better life and have a more
Speaker 1: meaningful life. Thank you, again for all of the support
Speaker 1: and the love, and we're just going to keep on going.
Speaker 1: And now I had one episode that was pre filmed
Speaker 1: before the passing of my mom, and I would like
Speaker 1: to put that episode out because I think it's really good.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's going to be the next
Speaker 1: one or it will be the one after that, but regardless,
Speaker 1: I'll probably film a little bit of an intro to
Speaker 1: let you guys know, not like it really needs to
Speaker 1: be said, but just so you guys know like my
Speaker 1: headspace with that. If I don't mention anything in that episode,
Speaker 1: it will probably be the one that was pre recorded.
Speaker 1: But for now, I'm just going to post episodes when
Speaker 1: I feel called to, so it might not be like
Speaker 1: the Sunday episodes.
Speaker 2: We might get back to that.
Speaker 1: Eventually, but I think for now, we're just going to
Speaker 1: do what feels aligned because that's what we're doing. So
Speaker 1: thank you guys so much for listening. I know you
Speaker 1: guys will continue to keep checking in on me and
Speaker 1: all the dms and the love and the support to
Speaker 1: just know that I am very much so supported from
Speaker 1: you guys, which thank you, but also from people in
Speaker 1: my own life, which I feel really grateful and blessed
Speaker 1: to have the life and the people that I have
Speaker 1: around me, because I think that this grieving process would
Speaker 1: have been a lot different had it been years ago.
Speaker 1: So yeah, anyways, thank you for listening, and I'll see
Speaker 1: you guys in the next one.
Speaker 2: Bye.