WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:03.080 Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. I 2 00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:06.639 am going to skip most of the intro because today's 3 00:00:06.679 --> 00:00:09.240 episode is going to be hard for me. It is 4 00:00:09.320 --> 00:00:12.800 going to be very serious and very deep. But one 5 00:00:12.839 --> 00:00:15.759 thing is certain about this podcast that I have created 6 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:18.960 for myself and for you guys, is this is a 7 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:23.199 place for me to express and to really process a 8 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:25.480 lot of the things that I either go through or 9 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:26.320 have been through. 10 00:00:26.120 --> 00:00:26.760 In my life. 11 00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:30.320 So this will also be very therapeutic for me, but 12 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:32.399 of course very difficult. Now a lot of you guys 13 00:00:32.399 --> 00:00:36.399 have already seen on my community tab and or on Instagram, 14 00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:38.359 and this is going to be really hard for me 15 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:40.119 to say, even though I've been saying this for the 16 00:00:40.119 --> 00:00:40.880 past few weeks. 17 00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:42.439 Unfortunately, my mother. 18 00:00:43.399 --> 00:00:50.320 My beautiful, amazing, unconditionally loving mother, had passed away a 19 00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:55.320 few weeks ago, and I know a lot of you 20 00:00:55.359 --> 00:00:59.759 guys know a little bit about her story in terms 21 00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:03.880 of of she struggled with addictions. And for anyone who's 22 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:07.400 listening who either might be like friends or family, because 23 00:01:07.400 --> 00:01:09.159 I feel like a lot of family might be watching this, 24 00:01:10.280 --> 00:01:12.400 or you just have never heard me talk about my 25 00:01:12.439 --> 00:01:14.480 mom's story, I just want to preface this to say 26 00:01:14.519 --> 00:01:18.760 that she always allowed me to kind of speak on 27 00:01:18.840 --> 00:01:21.000 her story a little bit when it comes to addictions, 28 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:23.000 like I've never really got too much into it, but 29 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:28.000 she was always aware that I would mention that she 30 00:01:28.040 --> 00:01:30.799 struggled with addictions the way that my dad did as well. 31 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:33.079 So I just want anyone who might be thinking that 32 00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:36.159 I've never mentioned this before, that I have mentioned this, 33 00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:39.159 and she has always known that. Now some of you 34 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:43.879 guys know, and I have been saying this for as 35 00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:46.359 long as I've been talking about my mom, that you 36 00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:50.599 know she struggled with addictions for many years in her life, 37 00:01:50.640 --> 00:01:53.400 all throughout my twenties. But honestly, when my dad passed 38 00:01:53.439 --> 00:01:55.560 away is when it really came to light that she 39 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:58.879 was also struggling with her own addictions and mental health 40 00:01:58.920 --> 00:02:01.120 issues and all the things that she went through in 41 00:02:01.159 --> 00:02:03.040 her life. She kind of went down that rabbit hole, 42 00:02:03.079 --> 00:02:06.599 and it got continuously worse as I got older. 43 00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:08.280 And so I've been dealing. 44 00:02:08.120 --> 00:02:10.759 With this for a long time, quite honestly, being a 45 00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:16.400 child of two addicts and losing both parents to such 46 00:02:16.599 --> 00:02:22.080 a darkness. But of course I have learned so much 47 00:02:22.400 --> 00:02:27.479 from the loss of both parents and even the loss 48 00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:30.080 of the things that I knew that I was never 49 00:02:30.120 --> 00:02:32.840 going to get from her, even in this physical world 50 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:35.360 when she was alive. And although I have done my 51 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:37.719 own journey when it comes to self improvement and healing 52 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:40.199 and glowing up and all that kind of stuff, separate 53 00:02:40.199 --> 00:02:42.680 from my parents, like my parents play a huge role 54 00:02:42.759 --> 00:02:45.080 in who I am today and why do the things 55 00:02:45.080 --> 00:02:47.719 that I do. So anyways, by the way, obviously this 56 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:49.800 episode is going to be probably all over the place. 57 00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:53.919 I would say a lot that my mom had been 58 00:02:53.960 --> 00:02:55.960 doing a lot better than she was, and the truth 59 00:02:56.159 --> 00:03:01.560 is she was. I watched her get out of way 60 00:03:01.560 --> 00:03:04.960 worse circumstances that she was in, even the moments leading 61 00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:10.360 up to her passing, and I am genuinely incredibly proud 62 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:17.840 of her and how far that she went considering her 63 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:20.879 life circumstance and considering what was dealt to her and 64 00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:24.520 the darkness that she had to fight every single day. 65 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:29.800 And addiction is I mean, it's something you don't fully 66 00:03:29.879 --> 00:03:33.000 understand until you go through it. And even myself, as 67 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:35.360 much as I've seen it with my own eyes and 68 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:38.719 I have even struggled with my own vices, I will 69 00:03:38.719 --> 00:03:42.639 never fully understand, you know, what it means to be 70 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:44.800 inside of an attict's mind as much as I've seen 71 00:03:44.840 --> 00:03:49.960 it around me a lot, and it's just it's really unfortunate. 72 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:54.879 It really is. It really is something that strips the 73 00:03:54.879 --> 00:03:58.280 most beautiful souls. I mean, I think everyone comes down 74 00:03:58.280 --> 00:04:00.400 on this earth as like just a beautiful light and 75 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:04.280 a soul and whatever, and then unfortunately, for whatever reason, 76 00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:06.479 things happen in their lives and it gets to the 77 00:04:06.520 --> 00:04:09.719 point where sometimes you go as far as you know, 78 00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:13.360 not knowing how to deal with whatever the darkness is 79 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:16.600 that keeps following you in whatever capacity that is, and 80 00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:20.839 you fall into that road. And unfortunately that was my 81 00:04:20.920 --> 00:04:24.519 mom's story, and as much as she was fighting against that, 82 00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:28.399 she didn't end up getting out of it. So the 83 00:04:28.439 --> 00:04:30.680 past few weeks have obviously been very difficult for me. 84 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:32.439 I kind of want to talk about some of the 85 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:35.959 things that I have just been, you know, going through 86 00:04:36.040 --> 00:04:41.199 experiencing and grieving, and I'm still obviously grieving, and I 87 00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:43.399 also would like to talk about how I'm going to 88 00:04:43.480 --> 00:04:47.240 be kind of honoring my mother and even my father, 89 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:51.920 but my mother in a different light the way that 90 00:04:51.959 --> 00:04:56.439 I've always wanted to even when she was here, by 91 00:04:56.519 --> 00:04:58.920 like letting go some of this darkness that has been 92 00:04:59.439 --> 00:05:03.560 not owned following her, but also me and things that 93 00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:06.399 I have been carrying from both of my parents, because 94 00:05:06.879 --> 00:05:09.959 that's kind of what happens when you have parents who've 95 00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:11.279 struggled with these things. 96 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:12.639 And as much. 97 00:05:12.439 --> 00:05:16.680 As this episode is basically just me using it as therapy, 98 00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:19.759 maybe this will give some other people comfort if you 99 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:24.839 are struggling currently, whether you are grieving, or you're going 100 00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:28.839 through a breakup, or you're going through something very difficult, 101 00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:33.959 because I think that we just need more conversations around 102 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:36.959 the fact that life can be very difficult and very 103 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:39.600 confusing and very uncomfortable, and like what do we do 104 00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:41.839 about this? And not only have I seen it in myself, 105 00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:43.240 but I have seen it in other people, and of 106 00:05:43.319 --> 00:05:44.879 course I've seen it in my mother. I've seen it 107 00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:48.600 even in my father in certain aspects. But you know 108 00:05:49.800 --> 00:05:53.040 the realness of life that is so dark at some points, 109 00:05:53.079 --> 00:05:56.000 and so confusing and so uncomfortable. When we don't know 110 00:05:56.000 --> 00:06:01.319 what to do with that, we will go to things 111 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:05.519 to numb that, to get rid of the feeling. And 112 00:06:05.560 --> 00:06:09.439 this is not even to blame ourselves, it's it's literally 113 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:12.360 no wonders. People do the things that they do right, 114 00:06:13.360 --> 00:06:16.800 because sometimes we just don't know how to handle or 115 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:20.360 deal with emotions. And this is why I have created 116 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:22.120 the podcast that I have and I try and share 117 00:06:22.120 --> 00:06:23.720 with you guys what has worked for me when it 118 00:06:23.720 --> 00:06:27.000 comes to my mental health, because I have learned over 119 00:06:27.079 --> 00:06:29.480 my journey to do my best to just keep going 120 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:33.279 and when things feel tough, to do my best to 121 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.759 work with the darkness and work with the struggle and 122 00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:39.560 try to understand it more and try to work with 123 00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:42.279 it instead of resistant, instead of go to the things 124 00:06:42.279 --> 00:06:45.759 that are going to literally kill me as much as 125 00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:46.199 I can. 126 00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:47.600 And this is not. 127 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:49.720 Throwing shade on the people who end up doing some 128 00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:51.959 of the hardest things or the hardest drugs or the 129 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:54.319 hardest you know, things that just mess up their lives 130 00:06:54.319 --> 00:06:57.800 and then sometimes it just takes over them because I understand, 131 00:06:57.839 --> 00:07:01.800 Actually I don't fully even understand, because you know, only 132 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:04.759 the people who've gone through it have understood. But I 133 00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:07.040 try and do my best to do my best, and 134 00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:11.959 even last night, I talked to myself a lot. I 135 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:13.720 talk a lot in general. I think it's just the 136 00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:16.199 way that it helps me get through things in my life, 137 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:21.560 and same with writing and journaling. I was laying in bed, 138 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:24.199 and I was uncomfortable. 139 00:07:24.199 --> 00:07:25.199 I was so uncomfortable. 140 00:07:25.240 --> 00:07:27.839 This whole grieving process has been very uncomfortable for me 141 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:31.800 because I'm somebody who likes to compartmentalize things, like I 142 00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:34.920 like to understand things, and then I can compartmentalize it 143 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:36.560 in my head why it happened, and I can just 144 00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:38.439 like put it over here and I can just move forward. 145 00:07:39.079 --> 00:07:41.279 But I can't do that with my mother, especially with 146 00:07:41.319 --> 00:07:45.920 my mother, And quite honestly, this grieving process is completely 147 00:07:45.959 --> 00:07:48.160 different than the way that I grieve my father for 148 00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:50.439 many reasons. One because I was sixteen years old and 149 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:52.720 I didn't even understand what it really meant to grieve 150 00:07:52.759 --> 00:07:57.279 a parent. I was not emotionally intelligent the way that 151 00:07:57.319 --> 00:08:00.720 I am now. I didn't know how to express my emotions. 152 00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:04.680 I just didn't know a lot of things. I also 153 00:08:04.800 --> 00:08:07.600 was with a mom who she wasn't really that avoidant, 154 00:08:08.120 --> 00:08:12.079 but there was just she was avoidant in some ways. 155 00:08:12.079 --> 00:08:13.959 It's not that if I came to her with anything, 156 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.879 she would be like, go away, but like whatever. 157 00:08:17.240 --> 00:08:19.279 We just had the life that we had. 158 00:08:19.079 --> 00:08:21.240 And we handled emotions the way that we handled them, 159 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:24.279 and so I didn't have a healthy expression of being 160 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:26.439 able to really grieve the loss of my father. And 161 00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:29.279 you guys, a lot of you guys know I didn't 162 00:08:29.319 --> 00:08:32.000 have the healthiest relationship with my father. I was afraid 163 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:35.279 of him a lot. I learned to suppress a lot 164 00:08:35.279 --> 00:08:38.279 of my emotions from him because that's what he did. 165 00:08:38.360 --> 00:08:41.360 So we had a difficult relationship in a way. So 166 00:08:42.440 --> 00:08:44.879 it was like I missed him and I had to 167 00:08:44.960 --> 00:08:46.840 grieve the loss of not having a father, and it 168 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:48.799 was sad and I still have to deal with that. 169 00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:53.120 But I didn't have that attachment the way that I 170 00:08:53.159 --> 00:08:55.720 have with my mom. You know, my mom was my everything. 171 00:08:55.759 --> 00:08:57.960 She was my savior. I looked at her like she 172 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:01.639 was like the only reason why I was living, And honestly, 173 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:04.000 like the grieving process that I've had to go through 174 00:09:04.159 --> 00:09:07.039 is really grieving that like six year old version of 175 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:09.519 me that knew that if I lost her at six 176 00:09:09.639 --> 00:09:12.720 years old, sorry or sixteen, but six years old, I. 177 00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:13.799 Would have been devastated. 178 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:15.919 Like I don't know what I would have done to 179 00:09:15.960 --> 00:09:17.840 be left with my father, who I was afraid of 180 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:19.960 and who I didn't have a good connection with, Like, 181 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:22.720 oh my god, oh my god, I don't know what 182 00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:25.600 I would have done. But the truth is, even at 183 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:31.559 twenty nine years old, when I found out that she 184 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:34.360 had passed away, there was a part of me that's 185 00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:38.480 twenty nine years old that realized, Okay, I don't have 186 00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:43.679 that reaching that I once had with her, even when 187 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:46.240 I was kind of grieving some of the realizations of 188 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.720 what I was losing in a parent in my twenties 189 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:50.600 that I was not going to get or I wasn't 190 00:09:50.600 --> 00:09:54.720 getting from her while she was here. But you know, 191 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:57.360 I'm twenty nine years old now, I've created a life 192 00:09:57.360 --> 00:09:59.320 for myself that is a lot more safer than it 193 00:09:59.399 --> 00:10:02.159 was before. I'm still proud of that, and I feel 194 00:10:02.159 --> 00:10:05.000 really safe in my life. And so there was a 195 00:10:05.080 --> 00:10:07.159 natural process of me growing up and you know, kind 196 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:09.320 of like not needing your mom in certain ways even 197 00:10:09.360 --> 00:10:12.759 though I needed her, even though I will always need 198 00:10:12.799 --> 00:10:16.960 her and it's unfair and it's just not it's just 199 00:10:17.480 --> 00:10:19.919 it's not fair. But there was still a part of 200 00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:22.600 me that I was grieving a lot the first like 201 00:10:22.639 --> 00:10:26.600 six days of my inner child, that was within me 202 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:28.360 that was like, I know, I need my mom, Like 203 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:30.639 I can't live without my mom, Like she is literally 204 00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:33.279 like one of one, Like there's some relationships that you 205 00:10:33.320 --> 00:10:34.919 have in your life that is just like you don't 206 00:10:34.919 --> 00:10:36.200 know how to live or breathe without it. 207 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:38.360 Like, I still had that part of me that I had. 208 00:10:38.200 --> 00:10:41.039 To grieve, and I'm still grieving and I'll probably be 209 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:44.639 grieving that until quite frankly, the day that I pass away. 210 00:10:44.679 --> 00:10:48.240 So anyways, with that feeling that is within me, I 211 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:49.279 can't get rid of it. 212 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:51.879 I can't get rid of it. 213 00:10:51.879 --> 00:10:54.720 It's not something that you need to even get rid of. 214 00:10:55.600 --> 00:10:58.080 And that's why sometimes the grieving process is so difficult, 215 00:10:58.080 --> 00:10:59.679 because it's like, this is deep. 216 00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:00.799 Pain that you can't get rid of. 217 00:11:00.840 --> 00:11:02.840 You have to move through it, you have to let 218 00:11:02.879 --> 00:11:07.360 it be with you, but it can be so hard 219 00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:10.080 and so difficult to hold that you just want to 220 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:11.919 run away from. It's like this thing that's on your 221 00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:14.279 shoulders that you just can't get rid of. And what 222 00:11:14.360 --> 00:11:16.840 I have learned, and I've been learning this, you guys know, 223 00:11:16.879 --> 00:11:19.480 we've literally been talking about this on the podcast, which 224 00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:23.039 is crazy. You know, It's like, fuck, I've been going 225 00:11:23.080 --> 00:11:25.360 through a flare up, which is like nothing compared to 226 00:11:25.399 --> 00:11:28.440 this now, right, but I've been talking about how uncomfortable 227 00:11:28.440 --> 00:11:30.679 and difficult it is to deal with physical chronic pain 228 00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:32.759 sometimes and how you have to work with your body 229 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:33.879 and you have to be with it and you have 230 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:35.879 to accept it instead of run away from it and 231 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:38.559 resistant and not want it even though it's so uncomfortable. 232 00:11:38.840 --> 00:11:41.240 But I've really had to learn this lesson now with 233 00:11:41.320 --> 00:11:45.200 the loss of my mom. How you know, I have 234 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:49.000 to learn how to be in my day to day 235 00:11:49.320 --> 00:11:52.519 with this uncomfortable feeling because it's not going to go away. 236 00:11:52.759 --> 00:11:55.679 And I think a part of this uncomfortable feeling is 237 00:11:56.240 --> 00:11:59.360 really not having an answer for myself right, Like there's 238 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:01.799 nothing that I can really do to make this change 239 00:12:01.879 --> 00:12:04.360 or make myself feel better. There really isn't It's just 240 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:06.039 something that I have to feel and I have to 241 00:12:06.039 --> 00:12:08.440 move through, and I have to let myself sob and 242 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:12.480 cry and feel that deep depression and that loss and 243 00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:16.960 that darkness sometimes, and it's uncomfortable to not be able 244 00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:20.559 to give myself a different answer. But what I was 245 00:12:20.600 --> 00:12:24.080 telling myself last night is like not knowing the answer 246 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.440 is a part of the process, and it's okay to 247 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:33.200 not know. It's okay to feel this way and be uncomfortable, 248 00:12:33.399 --> 00:12:35.840 and all you have to do is just keep going. 249 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:40.720 And it's not about bulldozing over your emotions and your 250 00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:46.159 feelings in spiritual bypassing or bypassing things or trying to suppress. Right, 251 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:49.559 you guys know, I'm an advocate for not doing that 252 00:12:49.759 --> 00:12:51.759 because I've seen what it's done to people in my 253 00:12:51.799 --> 00:12:54.679 life when they suppress. And it's not even their fault 254 00:12:54.679 --> 00:12:57.159 because a lot of people don't know how to not suppress. 255 00:12:58.440 --> 00:12:58.919 They don't. 256 00:12:59.279 --> 00:13:02.559 I've seen it with my parents. And so the way 257 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:04.919 that some people do that is, you know, when your 258 00:13:04.919 --> 00:13:07.000 pain is so deep, you go to something that will 259 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:11.519 numb it so easily, so quickly. But there's consequences when 260 00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:13.919 that happens. And I've seen that, and I've learned that 261 00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:15.679 within my own life, and I really try and stay 262 00:13:15.679 --> 00:13:17.320 away from that as much as I can. But what 263 00:13:17.399 --> 00:13:19.440 I have been telling myself and what I continue to 264 00:13:19.480 --> 00:13:21.679 try and do, even in the days where things feel 265 00:13:21.679 --> 00:13:29.519 like absolute fucking hell, is to keep going and keep 266 00:13:29.559 --> 00:13:33.600 going doesn't mean things are going to feel amazing or 267 00:13:33.639 --> 00:13:36.639 perfect or you're going to know the answer. Keep going 268 00:13:36.759 --> 00:13:40.200 just means move through it the best that you can. 269 00:13:40.679 --> 00:13:45.159 Just keep going to me means being with yourself every 270 00:13:45.279 --> 00:13:48.200 day on sometimes a moment to moment basis, especially if 271 00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:51.919 you're going through a grieving process or something similar, and 272 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:55.200 listening to what you need and going in that direction, 273 00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:01.120 and that might mean you allowing yourself to feel your 274 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:06.039 shame or your guilt or the things that you didn't 275 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:10.600 do right, or you know, the sadness that you might 276 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:14.559 be carrying in your life from something like you allowing 277 00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:18.360 yourself to feel, or you reaching out to people because 278 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:21.360 you need them instead of avoiding, instead of suppressing. All 279 00:14:21.440 --> 00:14:24.360 of that is allowing you to keep going. And that 280 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:26.399 is what I'm always trying to do in my life 281 00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:28.759 the best way that I can. And that is also 282 00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:31.120 something that my mom tried to do. I know she 283 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.600 tried to do that as much as she could, and 284 00:14:33.600 --> 00:14:35.879 that is something that I'm going to continue to show 285 00:14:35.960 --> 00:14:40.039 up helping others, but also being an advocate of that myself. 286 00:14:40.200 --> 00:14:43.679 Is to do our best to when we need it, 287 00:14:44.120 --> 00:14:47.360 reach out for help when we need it, allow ourselves 288 00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:50.799 to feel when we need to release that shame and 289 00:14:50.840 --> 00:14:54.320 that guilt in that whatever the darkness that continues to 290 00:14:54.360 --> 00:14:56.679 plague us, and to release it the best way that 291 00:14:56.720 --> 00:15:01.080 we can, instead of going to things that might suppress 292 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:04.240 that might obviously bring us to places where we do 293 00:15:04.320 --> 00:15:05.080 not need to be. 294 00:15:05.320 --> 00:15:06.879 And I think one. 295 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:08.720 Thing that I am grateful for is being in the 296 00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:10.879 generation that I'm in right now with the resources that 297 00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:13.799 I have, And I feel like I have many more 298 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:16.399 resources than even my mother had. You know, she lived 299 00:15:16.440 --> 00:15:18.200 in a different day and age, and she had different 300 00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:22.559 traumas and she had, you know, whatever resources that she 301 00:15:22.759 --> 00:15:24.759 had to be able to deal with her mental health 302 00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:26.799 issues and all the things that she struggled with in 303 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:28.919 a different way. But I'm just going to do the 304 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:30.759 best that I can with what I have, and I'm 305 00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:32.679 going to just keep going. 306 00:15:32.759 --> 00:15:34.879 But at the end of the day, I know my mom. 307 00:15:34.720 --> 00:15:39.519 Fought until that last day. And when I went to 308 00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:42.159 pick up some of her stuff from her room, she 309 00:15:42.360 --> 00:15:47.039 had this chalkboard. She, by the way, was not really 310 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:51.320 a very like organized person. She was like opposite of me. 311 00:15:51.480 --> 00:15:55.279 I'm like a Type A person, she's Type B. But 312 00:15:55.559 --> 00:15:57.679 also I really love that about her because I feel 313 00:15:57.720 --> 00:16:01.240 like she taught me how to be like less of 314 00:16:01.440 --> 00:16:02.399 a control. 315 00:16:02.120 --> 00:16:03.159 Freak in many ways. 316 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:06.919 But there's many reasons why I've been a control freak 317 00:16:06.919 --> 00:16:08.159 because I've had to be and I've had to be 318 00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:11.639 very responsible in my life in this that anyways, she 319 00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:14.519 definitely tried to be organized and you know, have like 320 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:17.480 affirmations and stuff to kind of lift up her mood 321 00:16:17.480 --> 00:16:20.600 and this that, And I knew she was gonna have 322 00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:22.480 something written on that chalkboard. I didn't know what it 323 00:16:22.519 --> 00:16:24.360 was going to be, but I just knew that there 324 00:16:24.440 --> 00:16:26.279 was going to be something on there. And when I 325 00:16:26.279 --> 00:16:29.399 went into her room, it said today is your day. 326 00:16:30.279 --> 00:16:36.200 And it just made me think about a few things. One, 327 00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:40.000 she was never wanting to leave this earth, really like, 328 00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:42.879 I just always have known that she's always fought. Even 329 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:45.960 through all of the things that she's she had been 330 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:49.360 through and she was struggling through, she still had that 331 00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:51.279 fight in her. And I think that that is like 332 00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:53.840 the only thing that we can ever wish for for 333 00:16:53.879 --> 00:16:56.399 anyone and even ourselves, right Like, there's just going to 334 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:59.960 be some people who unfortunately there are time to come 335 00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:04.599 when their time comes. But I think that I would 336 00:17:04.599 --> 00:17:07.319 hope that she would be really proud of herself that 337 00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:10.440 she still fought. But I also really like that affirmation 338 00:17:10.519 --> 00:17:15.359 in that quote because that's kind of how I view 339 00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:18.000 my life. As much as I can, I really look 340 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:21.119 at my days like I can own it, I can 341 00:17:21.160 --> 00:17:25.799 work with it. I can really make this day whatever 342 00:17:26.240 --> 00:17:28.720 it needs to be, even if it's a hard day. 343 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:29.880 Like I can do it. 344 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:33.400 I can if I need to allow myself to cry, 345 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:37.519 allow myself to mourn, allow myself to feel deeply like 346 00:17:37.880 --> 00:17:40.480 I have the strength to do it. And I think 347 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:44.000 that's really important to instill within yourself when you're going 348 00:17:44.039 --> 00:17:45.880 through things that are very hard. And that's what I've 349 00:17:45.880 --> 00:17:48.359 done throughout my life, right Like, obviously I've gone through 350 00:17:48.359 --> 00:17:52.400 really hard things, whether that is my own self confidence 351 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.000 or all the struggles that I have been through when 352 00:17:56.039 --> 00:18:00.160 it comes to health or my own little vices, but 353 00:18:00.200 --> 00:18:04.319 also of course dealing with my parental situation. There's been 354 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:06.720 many days where I've had to look at my days 355 00:18:06.759 --> 00:18:09.119 and say, you know what, today's going to be my day, 356 00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:12.160 and this is how I'm going to navigate it. And 357 00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:15.279 partly how I'm going to navigate that is accepting the 358 00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:17.920 reality of what is, which is it's deep, it's hard, 359 00:18:17.960 --> 00:18:20.319 it's not going to be perfect, but I'm going to 360 00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:21.680 do the best that I can and that is just 361 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:23.720 going to be good enough. And I feel like my 362 00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:25.640 mom had many of those days, and I'm very proud 363 00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:28.599 of her, and I hope that anyone who knew my mom, actually, 364 00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:32.279 every single person who has ever met my mom has 365 00:18:32.519 --> 00:18:34.480 always known that she has just been such a light 366 00:18:34.519 --> 00:18:37.319 and so beautiful even in her darkest days, which she 367 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:41.559 didn't really show many people her darkest days, which I 368 00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:44.079 actually think that if you're going through really dark days, 369 00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:47.880 please show more people in the sense of reach out 370 00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:51.359 for help and don't do it alone, because you literally can't. 371 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:54.000 But my mom really tried to have that mindset of, 372 00:18:54.039 --> 00:18:56.160 you know what, I'm going to try my best to 373 00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:58.680 own this day the best that I can, and it's 374 00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:03.759 obviously reflected even in that affirmation. So I just hope 375 00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:09.200 that anyone who did know my mom knew that that 376 00:19:09.519 --> 00:19:12.640 was her mindset even as she passed away. And that 377 00:19:12.759 --> 00:19:16.519 is absolutely the mindset that I will continue to have 378 00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:19.640 and bring along with me and pour it out to 379 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:22.960 you guys as well. And I hope that everyone who 380 00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:26.359 wants to honor my mom will do their best to 381 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:30.880 try to adopt that mindset even a little bit more 382 00:19:30.920 --> 00:19:34.200 than you have, reminding yourself that today is your day 383 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:36.759 and you can do it even if it's a hard 384 00:19:36.799 --> 00:19:41.400 fucking day, even if it's a very dark day. And 385 00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:46.279 when I left my mom's place, got a few of 386 00:19:46.279 --> 00:19:49.799 her things, actually a lot of things which I will 387 00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:53.240 show probably on maybe like my volog channel and or 388 00:19:53.240 --> 00:19:57.319 on Instagram. I have like this new bookshelf that's coming in, 389 00:19:57.400 --> 00:19:59.759 and I'm honoring her through a lot of plants. She 390 00:19:59.880 --> 00:20:03.240 was a huge plant lover. She had a huge green thumb. 391 00:20:03.480 --> 00:20:08.559 My mother was so into nature, loved plants, loved the farm, 392 00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:14.559 loved alpacas, loved animals, children. She sometimes I think I'm 393 00:20:14.599 --> 00:20:18.039 like this lady was. Actually I'm gonna show this picture 394 00:20:18.039 --> 00:20:20.319 as I'm talking about this, because like, look at her. 395 00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:22.519 She literally is an angel. 396 00:20:22.599 --> 00:20:24.759 If you're listening to this on audio, then I would 397 00:20:24.799 --> 00:20:27.039 highly suggest you come to the podcast channel and see 398 00:20:27.079 --> 00:20:30.119 like just an absolute angel on this earth. Anyone who 399 00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:33.839 met her knew that she was an age like I 400 00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:35.960 just I can't like I could go on for days, 401 00:20:35.960 --> 00:20:38.680