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<v Speaker 1>This is pod popular podcast for the people, The Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 2>The Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 2>Hi, get everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great

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<v Speaker 2>Love Debate, the world's number one dating air relationship podcast

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<v Speaker 2>since twenty fifteen. I am here in the very fine

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<v Speaker 2>studios of Pod Populi Podcasts for the People. I am

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<v Speaker 2>back at the one in Boca Ratone, Florida. I have

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<v Speaker 2>not been here in some time, and it is delightful.

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<v Speaker 2>It's delightful here in the Boca Ratone. There's many issues

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<v Speaker 2>that come up on this podcast, in this Great Love

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<v Speaker 2>Debate that we're doing, this conversation that we've been having

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<v Speaker 2>for over ten years, and there's a lot of them

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<v Speaker 2>that I can see both sides on. People are always like,

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<v Speaker 2>where do you stand on the debate. I'm not saying

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<v Speaker 2>my job is to stay neutral, but I'm saying that

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<v Speaker 2>my job is to hear all sides of this and

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<v Speaker 2>then try and relay a consensus that is going to

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<v Speaker 2>give people the better opportunity to find what they're looking for.

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<v Speaker 2>Kind of lets me sidestep any responsibility. But there's there's

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<v Speaker 2>certain things that there's no absolutes on there's no clear

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<v Speaker 2>cut answers. But what I'm talking about today, I think

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<v Speaker 2>there are two clear cut answers. And not only does

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<v Speaker 2>each side have two clear cut answers, but I think

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<v Speaker 2>each of those have two answers. So it's a perfect

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<v Speaker 2>alignment of hopefully logic. You know, emotion doesn't always match

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<v Speaker 2>up with logic. It's one of those rare occurrences, like

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<v Speaker 2>a like a comment or any clips that sort of

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<v Speaker 2>sores by you and you can be like, was.

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<v Speaker 1>Is that right?

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<v Speaker 2>Do that what happened line up with what I thought

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<v Speaker 2>and felt? Doesn't always happen that way. And so this

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<v Speaker 2>is what I want to talk about. It's about getting

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<v Speaker 2>back together with your ex. And I'm not talking about

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<v Speaker 2>married people doing that.

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<v Speaker 1>That happens every once in a while.

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<v Speaker 2>It's extremely rare, and I'm gonna explore that a whole

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<v Speaker 2>lot deeper with a couple that I recently met, who

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<v Speaker 2>did that, Who did just that?

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<v Speaker 1>They got back together after forty years forty years.

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<v Speaker 2>I have an upcoming episode that I'm going to have

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<v Speaker 2>them on, I promise, And it's unbelievable what happened.

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<v Speaker 1>But that's a tease for you. But as I've mentioned before.

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<v Speaker 2>On this show, I'm not really sure why married people

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<v Speaker 2>don't get back together more often after they divorced, because

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<v Speaker 2>you figured, at the peak of that relationship, it's very

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<v Speaker 2>height the marriage, the kids, the hope for the happily

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<v Speaker 2>ever after, you figure that peak was a greater peak

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<v Speaker 2>than almost any other relationship that they had, and you

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<v Speaker 2>would figure you'd want to revisit that peak. You figure

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<v Speaker 2>they'd get together at a high school graduation with the

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<v Speaker 2>child that they made together, and they would feel that

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<v Speaker 2>bond and they would give to say that, give us

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<v Speaker 2>another try.

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<v Speaker 1>But people who have gotten divorced always.

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<v Speaker 2>Explained to me, because I've never gotten divorced, they always

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<v Speaker 2>explain that once lawyers get involved, any shot at the

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<v Speaker 2>romance is gone, and the any good and some of

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<v Speaker 2>the memories have been sucked out of it. So, Sey LEVI,

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<v Speaker 2>even for people who are like, oh my god, we're

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<v Speaker 2>the best of friends still, it just very rarely, rarely happens. Well,

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<v Speaker 2>what I want to talk about today is when it

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<v Speaker 2>happens with boyfriends and girlfriends, the ones that go on

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<v Speaker 2>and off, back and forth. And so I'm going to

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<v Speaker 2>break that category down.

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<v Speaker 1>Into two subsets. The first type of this.

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<v Speaker 2>Is when you're in the relatively early stages of the relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe the first year or so, and you might say

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<v Speaker 2>a year isn't early, but you know, if you're planning

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<v Speaker 2>on doing fifty years with someone, a year is two percent,

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<v Speaker 2>So yeah, it's still early.

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<v Speaker 1>Those situations.

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<v Speaker 2>So there's a few reasons why people break up and

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<v Speaker 2>get back together.

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<v Speaker 1>In these situations.

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<v Speaker 2>Lots of it has to do with not understanding the

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<v Speaker 2>other person clearly enough, or what you might not want,

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<v Speaker 2>what you might want or need from the other person.

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<v Speaker 2>And lots of it might come from external stimuli that

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<v Speaker 2>you weren't prepared to handle. It was, you know, jealousy

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<v Speaker 2>from certain behaviors, why is that girl always around.

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<v Speaker 1>Who's that guy from the office, blah blah blah.

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<v Speaker 2>Pressures from your job or your family. Could be one

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<v Speaker 2>or two bad nights out, It could be a drunk

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<v Speaker 2>morning after. It could be a fight, a misunderstanding, somebody

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<v Speaker 2>said too much, somebody said too little, somebody got scared

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<v Speaker 2>or came on too strong or misinterpreted, and no, no, no, no.

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<v Speaker 1>And on.

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<v Speaker 2>The list is endless of why we can be pulled

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<v Speaker 2>apart or not want to work through the awkwardness or

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<v Speaker 2>the ick to the other side. But what happens is

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<v Speaker 2>soon enough you think, oh, maybe they weren't so bad.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, that anger kind of fades away, and they

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<v Speaker 2>were kind of cute, and you knew a few things

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<v Speaker 2>about them that you liked, and you remember those things.

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<v Speaker 2>But a whole lot of the pull towards a reconciliation

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<v Speaker 2>is usually centered around the unknown. You still don't feel

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<v Speaker 2>like you played out the whole hand.

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<v Speaker 1>I said this to this woman the other day.

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<v Speaker 2>I go, women are oftentimes more likely to get back

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<v Speaker 2>together with their boyfriend from college than they are their

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<v Speaker 2>ex husband, even if they dated that guy in college

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<v Speaker 2>like six weeks. And it's not that the XPUZM was

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<v Speaker 2>so bad. It's that there's that part of I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>quite play it all out in the circumstance I want

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<v Speaker 2>at the time I want, and their shrinings and I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't wait for them to turn thirty five and all

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<v Speaker 2>that kind of stuff. I feel like there's still some

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<v Speaker 2>meat on the bone, so to speak. And yeah, you

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<v Speaker 2>found out some things you didn't like, but you didn't

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<v Speaker 2>find out everything. And finding out everything thing is where

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<v Speaker 2>the hope and possibilities lie that. We always talk about it,

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<v Speaker 2>so you keep after it, and you revisit it, and

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<v Speaker 2>you return to it, and on and on and on.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's why there are two sides to this. Some

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<v Speaker 2>will say, as soon as you see a red flag,

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<v Speaker 2>that's it. When people show who they really are, believe them.

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<v Speaker 2>And I agree with those, yes, and there's absolutely merit

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<v Speaker 2>to that train of thought. And most of the time

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<v Speaker 2>it probably is the case. It wasn't quite right from

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<v Speaker 2>the jump, and rather than you know, square peg round

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<v Speaker 2>hole it, you just.

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<v Speaker 1>Get out and move on. But there's also the other.

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<v Speaker 2>Side of those who say, well, maybe if you just

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<v Speaker 2>communicated better, or if you just got through that misunderstanding,

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<v Speaker 2>or someone was willing to change their habits, And that

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<v Speaker 2>is always the key to every relationship, even the ones

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<v Speaker 2>that are you know, blissful for forty years from the beginning,

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<v Speaker 2>the willingness for one or both of them to change.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's where this elasticity comes from, not that you

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<v Speaker 2>stretched it out so far out that you stretched out

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<v Speaker 2>the sweater and it doesn't work anymore. It's that pulling

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<v Speaker 2>apart and the coming together within a relationship that actually

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<v Speaker 2>has benefit, you know, Do you want to be in

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<v Speaker 2>a relationship that is constantly fighting and making up? No,

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<v Speaker 2>you do not. It's too dramatic, it's too exhausting. Do

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<v Speaker 2>you want to be in a relationship where where one

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<v Speaker 2>is always looking at the good parts and one is

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<v Speaker 2>always looking at the bad parts? The red flags green

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<v Speaker 2>lights conundrum that we always come back to around here.

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<v Speaker 1>No, you don't.

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<v Speaker 2>That's not healthy either. And you can go to couple's

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<v Speaker 2>therapy and work it out. But if you never work

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<v Speaker 2>it out, then you're doing nothing but making a therapist

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<v Speaker 2>very wealthy. But the best relationship I've ever had of

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<v Speaker 2>you have had is the one where you had a

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<v Speaker 2>crossroads come at you fairly early on, maybe ninety days in,

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<v Speaker 2>and you asked a question, or you gave an answer,

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<v Speaker 2>or you took a stand one way or another ended it,

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<v Speaker 2>and that became the light bulb or the impetus or

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<v Speaker 2>even the ultimatum for the other person to know what

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<v Speaker 2>you really want and see it clearly if you're going

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<v Speaker 2>to do this, you're going to have to do this.

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<v Speaker 2>And maybe a day, a week, or a month later,

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<v Speaker 2>somebody texts and you grab a drink and suddenly either

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<v Speaker 2>you forget what you kept you a part or remembered

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<v Speaker 2>what brought you together, the possibilities. I heard someone say

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<v Speaker 2>the other day that almost nobody is afraid of marriage.

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<v Speaker 2>Despite the general thought that a certain percentage of the population,

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<v Speaker 2>especially the al population, is scared of commitment, that's.

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<v Speaker 1>Not really true. What they're scared of is commitment marriage.

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<v Speaker 2>With the wrong person, being stuck. And so a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of early breakups and frequent ones.

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<v Speaker 1>They're rooted in that.

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<v Speaker 2>I think I might maybe I don't know, I can't decide.

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<v Speaker 2>Let me have some space and think, and let me

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<v Speaker 2>look around some more, and on and on and on,

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<v Speaker 2>and you keep circling back because maybe they weren't so bad,

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<v Speaker 2>and let's try it again. So there's an element from

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<v Speaker 2>the friends and the families that I can't believe you

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<v Speaker 2>guys are still doing this. And there's also people who

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<v Speaker 2>are like, I'm really glad you're still doing this. I

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<v Speaker 2>like you guys together, work it out. You might say,

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<v Speaker 2>if it isn't right to the point where you keep

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<v Speaker 2>breaking it up breaking up, then it.

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<v Speaker 1>Will never be right. And you would be right to

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<v Speaker 1>say that.

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<v Speaker 2>And you might say I like it that you guys

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<v Speaker 2>keep giving it a shot and working at it to

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<v Speaker 2>to get it right and hopefully, maybe eventually you will

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<v Speaker 2>get it right. And you would also be right to

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<v Speaker 2>say that, because there's a million examples of both red

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<v Speaker 2>flags though sometimes might be false flags, could be wrong

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<v Speaker 2>and what that red flag might have been raised to

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<v Speaker 2>you based on something that had nothing to do with

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<v Speaker 2>this person or their circumstance. You might see a red

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<v Speaker 2>flag because sixteen boyfriends ago somebody did something similar, and

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<v Speaker 2>green lights might be you know, yellow lights with a glare.

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<v Speaker 2>So you take a minute, think about it, revisit it,

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<v Speaker 2>and maybe up to a point. And I don't even

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<v Speaker 2>know what that point is, because you obviously have to

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<v Speaker 2>set some boundaries and deadlines and ultimately some ultimatums. Is

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<v Speaker 2>that redundant? Ultimately some ultimatums. You know, you can't be

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<v Speaker 2>doing it at twenty three and thirty three and forty

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<v Speaker 2>three and you're still not anywhere solid.

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<v Speaker 1>You can't do that.

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<v Speaker 2>I get that everyone is on the clock here, But

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<v Speaker 2>is it possible, No doubt. So I want to get

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<v Speaker 2>into the other example of revisiting the past. But in

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<v Speaker 2>the present, we got to pay for some things around here.

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<v Speaker 2>I need to take a quick break, but we will

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<v Speaker 2>be back right after this.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, and we are back.

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<v Speaker 2>We're talking about breaking up and getting back together. The

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<v Speaker 2>boomerang dating scene might be like, well what about you know?

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<v Speaker 2>And this came out came up a lot during COVID

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<v Speaker 2>days when we were sitting around not me. I was

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<v Speaker 2>not sitting around you guys during COVID and thinking, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>what about that girl from poly pside class in college?

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<v Speaker 2>We only went out twice, but maybe I wasn't ready

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<v Speaker 2>or you were bored and finish your binging and you're like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>what about that guy that I lived with for three

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<v Speaker 2>years and they moved for a job opportunity. What about

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<v Speaker 2>the one who you thought you were ready to propose

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<v Speaker 2>to but she didn't quite make you feel sure enough,

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<v Speaker 2>you know? Or what about the one uh, you know

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<v Speaker 2>you broke up with you because you were drinking too

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<v Speaker 2>much or traveling too much or going out with the

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<v Speaker 2>guys or the girls too much, And then you know,

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<v Speaker 2>you saw them on Instagram and they seem single and

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<v Speaker 2>lost weight and got their act together and whatever, and

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<v Speaker 2>you're thinking, what about revisiting that? And half of you

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<v Speaker 2>would probably say no, no, no, stop revisiting, Move ahead,

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<v Speaker 2>windshield not rear view merrit. But I'm the eternal optimist,

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<v Speaker 2>and I am somebody who absolutely believes in and subscribes

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<v Speaker 2>to not just the power of change, but the ability

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<v Speaker 2>to change. I'm stubborn in the belief that stubbornness can

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<v Speaker 2>be overcome, that if somebody says the right thing and

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<v Speaker 2>the right way at the right moment, the light bulb

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<v Speaker 2>can go off and the pieces can click into place,

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<v Speaker 2>and everything can be different. And the biggest different sense

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<v Speaker 2>can simply be you know, time and place. People grow up,

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<v Speaker 2>people hopefully evolve, and people have other relationships in between

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<v Speaker 2>that might make you revisit and rethink the way you

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<v Speaker 2>behaved in the earlier ones. You know, you might take

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<v Speaker 2>some good things out of the relationships that happened between now,

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<v Speaker 2>then and now. My friend wrote a book once called

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<v Speaker 2>I think it was called Everything I Learned About Dating

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<v Speaker 2>a Man I learned from dating a woman, Meaning she

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<v Speaker 2>was able to see the patterns in herself when she

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<v Speaker 2>was no longer the quote unquote girl in the relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>And you've heard of say a million times that you

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<v Speaker 2>know the answers always lie outside of your comfort zone. Well,

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<v Speaker 2>for her, clearly way outside. That's where they were. That's

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<v Speaker 2>where she found the answers. So anybody can find answers

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<v Speaker 2>or have a wake up call or hit across or

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<v Speaker 2>pressure point where bam, they are a different person, not

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<v Speaker 2>so much that you don't recognize them, but enough that

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<v Speaker 2>maybe some of the edges have been smoothed over.

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<v Speaker 1>Flip side to that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, can someone change for the worst, no doubt, But

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<v Speaker 2>I think that will.

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<v Speaker 1>Reveal itself soon enough.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that will reveal itself quickly if they are

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<v Speaker 2>the same or if they've gotten worse. You won't have

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<v Speaker 2>to spend a whole lot of time on it, even

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<v Speaker 2>if you do revisit. But I'm hugely open to somebody

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<v Speaker 2>saying that the person from they dated, three, five, ten,

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<v Speaker 2>fifty years ago, maybe I want to see how that

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<v Speaker 2>might work out. I'm absolutely, yeah, fucking go for it.

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<v Speaker 2>I prefer that to people who who never dated somebody

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<v Speaker 2>and then they're suddenly like, Hey, that guy I knew

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<v Speaker 2>from college as single, so maybe I'll go after him,

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<v Speaker 2>Meaning that because you had one thing in common, that

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<v Speaker 2>suddenly it was something worth pursuing when it wasn't worthsuing

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<v Speaker 2>back then. Everybody has many things in common. We all

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<v Speaker 2>have a lot in common. We're I think I read

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<v Speaker 2>ninety eight percent Our DNA is ninety eight percent of

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<v Speaker 2>the same as a banana. So you got a lot

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<v Speaker 2>in common with a banana, and you've got a lot

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<v Speaker 2>common with everybody else. But if it's like, oh, we

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<v Speaker 2>you know, went to junior high together, let's talk about it,

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<v Speaker 2>it's totally fine because you're using that commonality as an

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<v Speaker 2>opening to connect, which is great. You know, you got

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<v Speaker 2>to start somewhere, and sometimes the hardest part is recognizing

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<v Speaker 2>and acting on and opening. Take that opening, have at it, fine,

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<v Speaker 2>But this is about somebody looking at it and saying,

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<v Speaker 2>what was the thing that broke us up? And is

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<v Speaker 2>this something that I have changed or they have changed,

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<v Speaker 2>or time has changed, and maybe there is room for reconnection.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm on the side of that. And you know you

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<v Speaker 2>want to play a amateur professional psychologist on me here.

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<v Speaker 2>Maybe that is me silently screaming to the world that

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<v Speaker 2>I'm a better person than I was in my twenties

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<v Speaker 2>and thirties, and I want the world to recognize growth

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<v Speaker 2>out of those of us who believe it has taken place. Guilty,

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<v Speaker 2>But I look at a lot of people, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>so you know, take caution with some of my words.

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<v Speaker 1>They are biased. I'm a biased jury.

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<v Speaker 2>Here, but I look at a lot of people recently

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<v Speaker 2>and maybe they were so politically charged up. People on

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<v Speaker 2>both sides of it have had their brains broken by

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<v Speaker 2>Trump pro and con. So do I think in ten

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<v Speaker 2>years some people might be like, Jesus, I can't believe

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<v Speaker 2>how much time and energy I spent obsessing and hating him.

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<v Speaker 2>It actually changed my personality. And some people might be like,

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<v Speaker 2>I can't believe I went so far down that road

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<v Speaker 2>with that hymn them. I never really looked great in

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<v Speaker 2>a red hat. Why did I wear it every day

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<v Speaker 2>for six years?

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<v Speaker 1>Yep.

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<v Speaker 2>Time can bring wisdom and hindsight can bring clarity. But

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<v Speaker 2>oftentimes what it also does is it brings an opportunity,

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<v Speaker 2>one that you never fully appreciated, one that you never

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<v Speaker 2>correctly acted on, and ones that you never knew you had.

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<v Speaker 2>So for all those who say no, no, no, never,

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<v Speaker 2>I hear you and I agree with you, And for

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<v Speaker 2>those who say, well, maybe impossibly, and if only I

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<v Speaker 2>hear you and agree with you too, And every situation

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<v Speaker 2>in relationship is different. So all I'm asking to do

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<v Speaker 2>is just look at it and think maybe because absolutism has.

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<v Speaker 1>No place in the love business. None. I will never

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<v Speaker 1>do that. I would never get no place.

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<v Speaker 2>There always has to be nuance, and there's always room

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<v Speaker 2>for interpretation, and there are always circumstances within and beyond

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<v Speaker 2>your control. So in a nutshell, it's a big nutshell

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<v Speaker 2>my answer to the question. It depends on the circumstance,

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<v Speaker 2>and that is a that's a lazy answer, but it's

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<v Speaker 2>also a definitive answer.

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<v Speaker 1>Duck in the answer.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but definitive answer is possibly, which is good and

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<v Speaker 2>which is why we debate and why the debate continues.

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<v Speaker 2>So shoot me an email, Great Load Debate at gmail

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<v Speaker 2>dot com if you've got thoughts, questions, or a history

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<v Speaker 2>with an on again, off again or a.

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<v Speaker 1>Revisiting of an off again, and we'll get into it.

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<v Speaker 2>Uh Like, Share, follow, Please review this podcast. Reviews mean

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<v Speaker 2>a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because, as always at

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<v Speaker 2>the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love.

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<v Speaker 1>See you next time. The Great Love Debate. It's the

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<v Speaker 1>Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 2>It's a Great Love Debate.