Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio App. This is normally the time of the
Speaker 1: show where I go live on TikTok Instagram. Open the
Speaker 1: phone lines. But my nose is stuffy. The road hurts.
Speaker 1: I think I have a tissue coming out of my nose.
Speaker 2: I got a cold. I'm all wrapped up musweaters here.
Speaker 1: I'm not going live on anything right now, so let
Speaker 1: me instead head to social media if you'd like to
Speaker 1: send a question in Kayla's going to be checking Instagram
Speaker 1: at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2: At Dr Wendy Walsh is the handle? All right?
Speaker 1: Oh, it's actually a kind of Instagram question. Dear Doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: my new boyfriend has only dated influencers. I'm his first
Speaker 1: normal girl. Is this a red flag? Am I really
Speaker 1: what he wants? You need to bring this up. I
Speaker 1: say this over and hord bring it up. Find out
Speaker 1: why is the only interest in show people narcissists?
Speaker 2: Show offs? Am I describing myself?
Speaker 1: I'm just saying no, just say, hey, I noticed you
Speaker 1: dated people like who are really beautiful show offs on
Speaker 1: the social media in the past. I'm a little different.
Speaker 1: Why'd you go this direction this time? Oh yeah, that's
Speaker 1: a big opening for him to be able to say
Speaker 1: things like because you are so real and authentic.
Speaker 2: And I love you? All right? Moving along?
Speaker 1: If you want to send a question, send it to
Speaker 1: Instagram at dm at doctor Wendy Walsh. Dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: My girlfriend claims to love me, but her actions tell
Speaker 1: me she doesn't like me. It's hard to explain, but
Speaker 1: she ruins my special moments and puts me down every
Speaker 1: chance she gets.
Speaker 2: I love her, but I told her just leave me.
Speaker 1: If she doesn't like me as a person, she won't
Speaker 1: admit to not liking me. But is it possible for
Speaker 1: someone to want to stay in a relationship with someone
Speaker 1: you don't like? If so, why do people stay in
Speaker 1: the relationship?
Speaker 2: You know what, I'm.
Speaker 1: Gonna put that question to you, Why do you stay
Speaker 1: in this relationship?
Speaker 2: I'll tell you why.
Speaker 1: I know what has to do with your early childhood programming,
Speaker 1: and you should talk to a licensed therapist about this,
Speaker 1: because why are you giving her all that power to
Speaker 1: either be nice to you or leave you. If you
Speaker 1: don't like the way she treats you, you need to
Speaker 1: high tail it get out of there. You said, is
Speaker 1: it possible for someone to want to stay in a
Speaker 1: relationship with someone you don't like? Yeah, you're doing it,
Speaker 1: just saying I want to be really clear here. All right, Hey,
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy, I dated a man three years ago and
Speaker 1: we decided we weren't compatible. This man won't leave my life, though,
Speaker 1: he checks in every few months and says we just
Speaker 1: needed time to grow. Can you grow in compatibility? He
Speaker 1: puts in so much effort, I'm starting to think he
Speaker 1: is my future husband.
Speaker 2: Well, well then you should try it out.
Speaker 1: For the most part, when two people have a little
Speaker 1: relationship and they decide they're not compatible, I don't know
Speaker 1: how long you dated, whether it's two dates or whether
Speaker 1: it was two years. Generally, when they get back into
Speaker 1: relationship later, I call it going retrosexual.
Speaker 2: They the same dynamics come up again.
Speaker 1: So unless both people admit they were wrong, both people
Speaker 1: decide they're going to go to therapy together. It's very
Speaker 1: difficult to create a new relationship system with somebody who've
Speaker 1: had a bad relationship system with in the past. So,
Speaker 1: but now you're saying he's trying so hard, you're starting
Speaker 1: to think like he's the one. I mean, is it
Speaker 1: just because he's trying hard?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I would try it out, see what happens. I'm not
Speaker 1: feeling quite confident, but you never know. Let me know,
Speaker 1: write me back, let me know how it goes. I say,
Speaker 1: green light on that one. Dear doctor Wendy. I'm dating
Speaker 1: a man in his twenties. He is great sex and
Speaker 1: a fun time.
Speaker 2: Uh uh.
Speaker 1: It feels like a fling for me. But I think
Speaker 1: he loves me and is planning to grow with me.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty seven and I don't see this growing. How
Speaker 1: do I let him down gently?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: My?
Speaker 2: You know the older person. I don't care the gender.
Speaker 1: The older person in a May December relationship, a spring
Speaker 1: and winter relationship.
Speaker 2: In your case, it's like late spring, early fall.
Speaker 1: Whatever. The metaphor is going too far. The person who
Speaker 1: always has the power is the older person. The older
Speaker 1: person may have more money, more experience, but more than anything,
Speaker 1: they have more wisdom. And so you must be a
Speaker 1: benevolent leader. You can't use this young man for sex
Speaker 1: for one more minute. If you think it's not going anywhere,
Speaker 1: then let him find somebody that he can have a secure,
Speaker 1: healthy bond with.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: All right, I think I have time for one more
Speaker 1: Dear doctor, Wendy, my friend introduced me to this man
Speaker 1: who is in town for two weeks. We hit it off,
Speaker 1: and I had sex with him. It happens he.
Speaker 2: Was gone the next morning. And whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Speaker 2: whoa what. I'm reading this sentence and I can't believe
Speaker 2: it's true. Is this a fake thing? Okay?
Speaker 1: He was gone the next morning and left me five
Speaker 1: thousand dollars in an envelope. I think he thought I
Speaker 1: was a hooker. I'm so offended. Should I give the
Speaker 1: money back? Hell no, I don't know what you said
Speaker 1: or did, or maybe the person who introduced you might
Speaker 1: have said, maybe she deserves a commission.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: But he's not coming back. Okay, he's closed the door.
Speaker 1: Don't hope there's a real relationship. He misrid the signals.
Speaker 2: But luckily he was a gentleman an he paid for
Speaker 2: those signal.
Speaker 1: No you don't know I'm a thing. You gave him
Speaker 1: your time. I think I told you the story. One
Speaker 1: time I was having lunch some very very wealthy women.
Speaker 1: They weren't the most beautiful in the world, they weren't
Speaker 1: the most educated or intelligent, but they had some designer
Speaker 1: things from head to toe. And I said to them,
Speaker 1: and they'd gone through very rich one rich husband after another.
Speaker 1: And I said to them, do you ever feel bad
Speaker 1: that a guy's paying for everything all the time? And
Speaker 1: they looked at me without missing a beat and said, no,
Speaker 1: he's paying for my time. And I thought, ooh, that's
Speaker 1: some self esteem. So guess what this dude paid for
Speaker 1: your time? Your time is apparently quite valuable. I wonder
Speaker 1: what you do for five thousand dollars.
Speaker 2: Just wondering, just wondering. All right, let me come back.
Speaker 2: I've got more questions.
Speaker 1: If you want to send me a DM send it
Speaker 1: to at doctor Wendy Walsh dot com.
Speaker 2: On Instagram.
Speaker 1: You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six Sporty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: am six forty.
Speaker 1: PFI AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna keep going with social media because I don't
Speaker 1: feel well.
Speaker 2: It's just a head cold, folks, that's all it is.
Speaker 1: But I don't want to, you know, I usually go
Speaker 1: live on TikTok and Instagram.
Speaker 2: I can't. I can't.
Speaker 1: No, let's just keep it up with what we got
Speaker 1: going here, Kayla, get into those dms if you want
Speaker 1: to DM me a relationship question. The handle is at
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy Walsh, speaking of Handle, I was at a
Speaker 1: car coffee and cars Porsche thing with my husband last week,
Speaker 1: and when someone found out I worked for KFI, these
Speaker 1: guys like rushed me and they're like, you know Handle,
Speaker 1: you know Bill Handle?
Speaker 2: Like yes, I do, Yes, I do. I'm very funny.
Speaker 1: All right, let me read this one, Dear doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: I have a friend who is a certified gold digger. Wow,
Speaker 1: they give out diplomas and that. I don't judge her
Speaker 1: for dating for money, but she makes me feel like
Speaker 1: I have low self esteem for dating for love. She says,
Speaker 1: I don't know how to ask for what I deserve,
Speaker 1: but I just don't believe in using people. It's starting
Speaker 1: to cause arguments between us because I feel judged by her.
Speaker 1: Is this a reason to end a friendship?
Speaker 2: No, okay, let me just say this.
Speaker 1: Friends should respect and honor each other, even when they're different.
Speaker 1: Now you're talking about cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is that
Speaker 1: feeling you have when you really like your friend, you
Speaker 1: like to hang out with her, you have a lot
Speaker 1: in common, but there's this one thing that goes against
Speaker 1: your values, and it's hard to hold those two.
Speaker 2: Thoughts in your head at once. She's a great girl.
Speaker 1: Ooh, she's a bad girl, right, And so we have
Speaker 1: to do that with all of our friends. Surprise, surprise,
Speaker 1: because if we didn't disagree with some of the values.
Speaker 1: Now hopefully they're not major ones like your friends not
Speaker 1: out there, I don't know, murdering.
Speaker 2: People or whatever. How don't know. I howe. She's an example.
Speaker 1: It's like the extreme one that I know everybody has
Speaker 1: in their head. But we're always going to find something
Speaker 1: about our friends that make us pause and go, oh,
Speaker 1: I would never do that.
Speaker 2: I would never say that.
Speaker 3: I'm not like that.
Speaker 1: And that's part of how we identify ourselves, by how
Speaker 1: we're different from others, so he but what bothers you?
Speaker 1: What this question says is that you're getting in arguments
Speaker 1: because you feel judged by her. So I think what
Speaker 1: you need to do is say something like this the
Speaker 1: next time the topic comes up, because she might be
Speaker 1: trying to make you think like her to make herself
Speaker 1: feel better about the way she is.
Speaker 2: I want you to say this to her.
Speaker 1: Hey, I was listening to doctor Wendy Walsh, and she
Speaker 1: says that all women have a little bit of gold
Speaker 1: digger in them. So I want you to know that
Speaker 1: if you are dating men for money, that is your prerogative,
Speaker 1: your choice. I still love you, but you don't get
Speaker 1: to criticize my choices because we're different and we can
Speaker 1: be different, and we can still hang out and we
Speaker 1: can still like each other.
Speaker 2: Right, So, I don't think I have low self esteem.
Speaker 1: I just have a different set of morals and they're
Speaker 1: not better or worse than yours. I respect you. Go
Speaker 1: for it, right, say something like that. See what happens
Speaker 1: all right?
Speaker 2: To another one?
Speaker 1: Oh, here's a good one. Dear doctor Wendy. How important
Speaker 1: is it to have the same beliefs as your partner?
Speaker 1: For longevity? And I assume you mean religious beliefs. I honestly,
Speaker 1: money beliefs and sex beliefs and all that stuff you
Speaker 1: know you can work through. But religious beliefs, I think
Speaker 1: is what you're asking about. So here's what I want
Speaker 1: to say. Pretty much, all the Abrahamic religions preach the
Speaker 1: same thing. They celebrate in a slightly different way. They
Speaker 1: might use different food or different prayers, or different languages
Speaker 1: or different songs, different holidays of the year, but the
Speaker 1: commandments are pretty much the same to be a good person, right,
Speaker 1: And so I personally do not believe that a couple
Speaker 1: needs to hold the exact same religious beliefs. I think
Speaker 1: children benefit from diversity. If you were in a relationship
Speaker 1: and you raised your children, say Jewish and Christian or
Speaker 1: Muslim and Jewish, that'd be great marriage, right, learn it all.
Speaker 2: And I think.
Speaker 1: That's good the other But what happens I've noticed people
Speaker 1: will say, well, I want to marry someone who's in
Speaker 1: my religion because it's weird that they don't believe the
Speaker 1: same things I do. And I actually had this conversation
Speaker 1: with a girlfriend once because she was engaged to meet
Speaker 1: this marry this guy.
Speaker 2: She was Christian.
Speaker 1: She because he's not Christian, and I think it's going
Speaker 1: to be a problem. And I said, do you need
Speaker 1: him to agree with you to help you reinforce your
Speaker 1: own beliefs?
Speaker 2: She's like what?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, if you really have faith, if you
Speaker 1: really believe, you don't need anyone to endorse that, right, Because,
Speaker 1: as I said, it's not like he's saying, hey, I
Speaker 1: need you to break more commandments that's happening, right, He's
Speaker 1: probably just saying, hey, I don't want to go to church,
Speaker 1: or I don't really believe the Bible. Literally, It's like,
Speaker 1: you know, I think it's a little bit magic, but
Speaker 1: it works for you, right, And that's where we need
Speaker 1: to just respect each other. I respect all of my
Speaker 1: friends who practice a faith, a religion, I really do.
Speaker 1: All right, move on, Linge, I think I have time
Speaker 1: for one more before the break. Dear doctor Wendy. I've
Speaker 1: been seeing this guy for two weeks. Every time he
Speaker 1: wants to meet up, he calls it a thing. Let's
Speaker 1: do a drink thing, let's do a coffee thing, but
Speaker 1: he never says the word date. He does pay for me,
Speaker 1: but does.
Speaker 2: The word thing imply that he's keeping me at a distance.
Speaker 2: I love this.
Speaker 1: Yes, language has power and language has meaning. Obviously he's
Speaker 1: afraid of the word date. Maybe the word date is
Speaker 1: not in fashion in his age group or something. I
Speaker 1: think he's just trying to be cool. Let's do a
Speaker 1: drink thing, Let's do a coffee thing. And I think
Speaker 1: the next time he invites you out to maybe a
Speaker 1: dinner thing, why don't you just say can? He's pause
Speaker 1: for one sec? What does a thing mean to you?
Speaker 1: I'm just really curious and you can do it lightly,
Speaker 1: you can do it in a fun way, but just
Speaker 1: you know, the when things when things about people confuse us,
Speaker 1: bother us we're curious about Instead of imagining what they mean,
Speaker 1: we should just you know, talk about it, just bring
Speaker 1: it up, comment on it, and it can be light
Speaker 1: and it can be fun. It doesn't have to be judge,
Speaker 1: can be respectful.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 1: Okay, moving on, Dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend acts differently
Speaker 1: towards me when her friends are around.
Speaker 2: She's a little mean to me.
Speaker 1: Oh why does her personality change depending on who she's around?
Speaker 1: Tell you why your girlfriend acts differently when her friends
Speaker 1: are around, and why she's mean to you because her
Speaker 1: friends don't like you, and I don't know what she's
Speaker 1: telling them, but you're gonna have to bring it up.
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to comment on it. That's what I say. Okay,
Speaker 2: whomen come back.
Speaker 1: Have you decided it's time you're over fifty and you
Speaker 1: want to get on a dating app, then you better
Speaker 1: listen up.
Speaker 2: You're listening to the.
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendywell Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywell Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: As you can tell, my voice is held up, it's
Speaker 2: doing pretty good. Well head cold.
Speaker 1: It's just my nose is a little stuffy, That's all
Speaker 1: I say. Kayla is still wearing her mask. So very good,
Speaker 1: very good girl, Very good for you.
Speaker 2: All right, I have promised.
Speaker 1: I promised and promised and promised that I want to
Speaker 1: talk about dating over the age of fifty, the new
Speaker 1: rules for people. I remind you that for the last
Speaker 1: ten years or more, the fastest growing demographic on dating
Speaker 1: apps are people over the age of fifty. I'm also
Speaker 1: going to remind you that when Till Death Do Us
Speaker 1: Part was an invented, death was pretty imminent. And if
Speaker 1: you believe in the mythology that you're going to meet
Speaker 1: your soulmate in your twenties and stay together until death,
Speaker 1: do you pardon that's going to be thirty, forty, fifty
Speaker 1: or sixty years, then that's a myth and you need
Speaker 1: to be reschooled now. I should also say there's some
Speaker 1: of you listening who have done that, and you naturally
Speaker 1: have a secure attachment style. You and your spouse may
Speaker 1: have stayed together until one of you died, or maybe
Speaker 1: you're both still alive, and you know what I have
Speaker 1: to say to you, Happy anniversary and congratulations. That's amazing.
Speaker 1: But statistically speaking, you're the minority for the rest of us.
Speaker 1: You know, Mother Nature never anticipated modern medicine and vaccines
Speaker 1: and less war and famines, and so as a result,
Speaker 1: we suddenly have these very long life expectancies, and we
Speaker 1: are essentially outliving our relationships because because we continue.
Speaker 2: To change and grow.
Speaker 1: One promise that you make today, even though you in
Speaker 1: your heart want to make that promises forever and ever
Speaker 1: and ever, and you believe it forever and ever and ever.
Speaker 1: What you can't anticipate are changing environmental conditions. First of all,
Speaker 1: I believe there's no such thing as unconditional love, right,
Speaker 1: So I mean, if you're the person you love more
Speaker 1: than anything becomes an axe murderer, you're going to divorce them, right.
Speaker 1: There are all kinds of conditions, right, that's the first thing.
Speaker 1: But secondly, things can change. Health can change, finances can change,
Speaker 1: kids can get involved, your goals and dreams, those are
Speaker 1: the big ones actually can change. And all of a
Speaker 1: sudden it's a different world that you're in and now
Speaker 1: you're making this commitment. Right, So I don't believe there's
Speaker 1: a such thing as a failed marriage. Just there's relationships
Speaker 1: where you've learned some important lessons. That's it. Okay, So
Speaker 1: I said that dating people are the age of fifty
Speaker 1: fastest growing group on dating apps. But there's a big challenge.
Speaker 1: While there may not be new rules, there are big challenges.
Speaker 1: The biggest challenge is finding a mate whose tribe will
Speaker 1: be compatible with yours. You see, when you're young and
Speaker 1: you're dating, you just meet somebody. You form this lovely
Speaker 1: romantic bond and you make everything else in your life
Speaker 1: wrap around that relationship because you don't have that many ties, right,
Speaker 1: you're sort of separating from your family of origin. If
Speaker 1: you're a young adult, you may be moving around jobs
Speaker 1: and have some flexibility.
Speaker 2: You may not be tied into.
Speaker 1: A mortgage and stuck in one near one piece of
Speaker 1: real estate. So you merge your lives. You maybe have children,
Speaker 1: you create your own beautiful little tribe. But dating over
Speaker 1: the age of fifty means, oh, there are a lot
Speaker 1: of people in this relationship. There might be aging parents
Speaker 1: to care for previous spouses who are still financially connected,
Speaker 1: or even emotionally connected, children from previous marriages, adult children, grandchildren.
Speaker 1: So when we reach the age of fifty, there are
Speaker 1: so many people that we share our emotional pie with,
Speaker 1: and finding a way to manage all those competing interests
Speaker 1: can be the biggest challenge.
Speaker 2: You know, when you're young, you can say our relationship.
Speaker 1: Comes first, but later you're kind of like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: my kids still come first, okay, and then you're there next,
Speaker 1: all right, So I will say this that you should
Speaker 1: know this if you're over the edge of fifty, if
Speaker 1: you're hoping that you're going to meet someone at the
Speaker 1: supermarket or a nightclub. You're probably not at nightclubs anyway.
Speaker 1: You rarely meet people in the real world. Nowadays, those
Speaker 1: days are gone. Dating apps are the only way to
Speaker 1: meet people, and so my best advice is that when
Speaker 1: you get on those dating apps, the first thing you
Speaker 1: want to do is to protect yourself from romance skin. Right,
Speaker 1: there are professionals. They often live in other countries. They
Speaker 1: make their living by pretending to be somebody they're not
Speaker 1: on a dating app, and they scam by charming a
Speaker 1: lonely person who's over the age of fifty. They create
Speaker 1: a false sense of trust. Then they'll tell you, oh,
Speaker 1: suddenly they've had this major life crisis and you know,
Speaker 1: maybe you could write a check and get them out
Speaker 1: of their problems. Don't go down that road. Don't fantasize
Speaker 1: that this profile or this person is real. See them
Speaker 1: in the real world. And if they won't see you
Speaker 1: in the real world. And don't even trust video, by
Speaker 1: the way, because you can do these deep fakes with
Speaker 1: the video. If they won't get together in the real world.
Speaker 1: There's a reason, and relationships are supposed to take place
Speaker 1: in the real world. So as far as what apps
Speaker 1: to go on, you can go on any app because
Speaker 1: you can search by age. I will say that I
Speaker 1: preferred when I was finding Ma Majulio, I preferred to
Speaker 1: go on the apps that attracted younger people. Not because
Speaker 1: I was looking for younger people, but because I wanted
Speaker 1: to date an older guy who was still hip. I
Speaker 1: knew about those apps. But there are plenty of people
Speaker 1: in the Silver set. They can find a great community.
Speaker 1: You know, there's a thing called Silver Sneakers. I just
Speaker 1: learned about this recently. It's a health insurance thing.
Speaker 2: Did you know that?
Speaker 1: See the young people listening don't even know what that is.
Speaker 1: So when you turn sixty five, the government wants to
Speaker 1: save money on all your health problems and they want
Speaker 1: to keep you moving, so they have this thing called
Speaker 1: Silver Sneakers that the health insurance has to offer you,
Speaker 1: and it gives you like free gym memberships. I think
Speaker 1: that's funny. Anyway, I'm not there, but I know people
Speaker 1: that are there anyway. So if you like to be
Speaker 1: in the Silver set with your Silver sneakers, you can
Speaker 1: find people on dating apps like our Time dot com,
Speaker 1: eHarmony dot com, Date Myage dot com. They're all out there,
Speaker 1: and my biggest advice is text a few times, then
Speaker 1: get on the phone. And if they won't get on
Speaker 1: the phone, you got to ask yourself why and get
Speaker 1: rid of them, and then meete for a short little
Speaker 1: coffee date in the real world, just short one so
Speaker 1: it's not too much pressure. And then if you know
Speaker 1: they've passed the phone test, they've passed the coffee date,
Speaker 1: then you might have an actual first date with them,
Speaker 1: and it we get on out there.
Speaker 2: Don't be lonely. Relationships are what it's all about. When
Speaker 2: we come back.
Speaker 1: Did you have a childhood where your parents didn't compliment
Speaker 1: you didn't tell you you were great and wonderful and
Speaker 1: fabulous and fantastic. They were worried that you would get
Speaker 1: too big in your breeches, that you would think too
Speaker 1: much of yourself. Well, there's some personality traits in adults
Speaker 1: that you might know, people like this who were rarely
Speaker 1: complimented as children. I'm going to talk about them when
Speaker 1: we come back, but also what you can do to
Speaker 1: heal yourself. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty Well Live Everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
Speaker 1: say it over and over that I want people to
Speaker 1: understand that they manufacture a lot of cars now that
Speaker 1: don't even have AM radio. So you need to download
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app and then you use the Bluetooth in
Speaker 1: your car and you can listen all the time to KFI. Also,
Speaker 1: if you missed any part of my show ever, they're
Speaker 1: all there right there on the app. You can listen
Speaker 1: every week or re listen, or if there's a segment
Speaker 1: you liked, send it to a friend.
Speaker 2: Right, all right.
Speaker 1: I had a childhood, didn't we all where I had
Speaker 1: a mother who I jokingly say loved me too much.
Speaker 1: She was a little bit too much my fan. Good
Speaker 1: and bad things about this. The bad thing is that
Speaker 1: I felt I had to entertain her, right, But the
Speaker 1: good thing about it is that it gave me tons
Speaker 1: of self esteem and self confidence. I have had a
Speaker 1: career as a talker for forty years, television radio, teaching,
Speaker 1: I misspeak all the time, and I have a backbone
Speaker 1: of resilience. I can deal with your angry emails, although
Speaker 1: I have to tell you so you know, the happiness
Speaker 1: in life goes on a curve, a U shaped curve.
Speaker 1: So picture your life span has shaped like the letter you,
Speaker 1: and happiness is at the.
Speaker 2: Top of both of those.
Speaker 1: Use so early in life, children if they've had a good,
Speaker 1: happy childhood like I did, have the most happiness. And
Speaker 1: then midlife it gets really messy, right you got kids, mortgages, divorces,
Speaker 1: job losses, health problem.
Speaker 2: It's a mess.
Speaker 1: And then if you get through that and you're on
Speaker 1: your way up, happiness starts to build again. And I
Speaker 1: noticed that I'm in like a total happy face.
Speaker 2: Okay, I just got married and it's really wonderful. Okay,
Speaker 2: that's part of it.
Speaker 1: I'm getting I have more freedom to do what i
Speaker 1: want to do with my days.
Speaker 2: I'm just really happy.
Speaker 1: So when you guys are not you, but you know
Speaker 1: someone who might be listening who's not you, uh sends
Speaker 1: me an angry email about something, I'll read the first
Speaker 1: two lines and if it starts to digress into anger
Speaker 1: and craziness, I just delete it. Because I feel like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I've done my duty of being the
Speaker 1: vessel for them to shoot all their unhappy feelings into
Speaker 1: and they probably felt so much better after they hit
Speaker 1: the send button. And that's where the work was. It's
Speaker 1: not for me to read it all and answer it
Speaker 1: and respond. It's for them to get it out. So
Speaker 1: as soon as I see it's going there, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: don't challenge my happiness today, because my happiness is pretty great,
Speaker 1: all right. There are some people, though, who have had
Speaker 1: childhoods with parents who rarely compliment them. Now, I want
Speaker 1: to remind you, children's brains act like tiny emotional sponges.
Speaker 1: They soak up messages from their parents. At the same time,
Speaker 1: these little brains are growing a sense of self worth
Speaker 1: and self identity. You know, the very act of growing
Speaker 1: from a completely dependent infant to independent adult is filled
Speaker 1: with pain and maybe even shame.
Speaker 2: In fact, if somebody says to me.
Speaker 1: Oh, I had such a happy childhood, I had such
Speaker 1: a leave it to be over childhood, I'm like my
Speaker 1: red flight my radar goes up. I'm like, oh, really,
Speaker 1: what are we repressing? Because you know what your parents
Speaker 1: did the best they could with the tools that they had.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: Children feel shame when they make mistakes, but most of
Speaker 1: the mistakes that children can make that they make can
Speaker 1: be chalked up to life I haven't learned that yet,
Speaker 1: or oh, I just learned something from this failed experiment.
Speaker 1: And so they learn by faltering over and over and over,
Speaker 1: and if they're not careful, they will have lots of
Speaker 1: feelings of shame and inadequacy, and it can be overwhelming. However,
Speaker 1: good parents are able to say, good try, you've got this.
Speaker 2: You're so brave. Oh, you've made so much great progress.
Speaker 2: Remember the other things you do so well, You're almost there. Wow,
Speaker 2: you did it.
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. See that's what your parents
Speaker 1: should have been saying if it didn't happen. Though, Instead
Speaker 1: people can grow up to be adults. A few things
Speaker 1: can happen. One is they might become self loathing and
Speaker 1: not being able to not having been told that they're
Speaker 1: good and perfect sometimes can cause a permanent sense of
Speaker 1: feeling less than.
Speaker 2: Or they may become pessimistic.
Speaker 1: Right since only their losses are pointed out, they only
Speaker 1: look at the negative in life. Right now, I should
Speaker 1: say that true pessimism is partly genetic, but all genes
Speaker 1: have to be activated by the environment. So if you
Speaker 1: believe that there's only doom ahead, that's a hallmark of pessimism.
Speaker 1: They may turn out to be lazy. Now, let me
Speaker 1: qualify that people who with highly critical parents just become
Speaker 1: risk adverse, and this aversion to taking risks might look
Speaker 1: like laziness. So they're just too afraid to apply for
Speaker 1: new jobs or promotions, or take exciting adventures or approach
Speaker 1: high value mates. So they say in bad relationships, low
Speaker 1: paying jobs, boring routines because they're afraid to take risks.
Speaker 2: They believe I won't win, so why bother trying?
Speaker 1: Sadly, the biggest one is they might become a bad
Speaker 1: picker of mates. Deep town people who are not adored
Speaker 1: by their parents as children can't conceive that an adult
Speaker 1: romantic partner can adore them. Remember I say this all
Speaker 1: the time. Love isn't about finding happiness. Love is about
Speaker 1: finding the familiar. They may choose someone who treated them
Speaker 1: like their parents did, and then they go on an
Speaker 1: endless quest to please their parents, I mean, their lover
Speaker 1: or their bosses or whatever, and they become people pleasers
Speaker 1: because they're trying to get the love they didn't have
Speaker 1: as children.
Speaker 2: All right, how are you going to fix this?
Speaker 1: First of all, the brain is malleable, It has neuroplasticity,
Speaker 1: It can change across the life span. I say this
Speaker 1: all the time, and I'll say it again. Seeing a
Speaker 1: licensed therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy can help people
Speaker 1: challenge their faulty beliefs, the faulty belief that they are
Speaker 1: not worthy. For people who are prone to people pleasing,
Speaker 1: that therapists can help them learn to say no in
Speaker 1: a non defensive way, and that's how they start to
Speaker 1: learn how to have healthy boundaries. And finally, we all
Speaker 1: have to learn how to cultivate safe relationships. If your
Speaker 1: friends allow you to be real, if they're not overly critical,
Speaker 1: if they show you true love, these relationships can be healing.
Speaker 1: But I will say the first step to welcoming those
Speaker 1: kinds of friendships into your life is to make room
Speaker 1: by ending relationships they continue to injure you. Don't injure yourself, Okay,
Speaker 1: And I'll tell you I learned all of this experientially.
Speaker 2: I used to be the ultimate people pleaser, and now
Speaker 2: I love to.
Speaker 1: Say no, no, no, I can't, No, I won't. Then
Speaker 1: it's okay, the world will go on, We'll all be fine.
Speaker 1: And that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall Show to a close.
Speaker 1: It is always my pleasure to be here with you
Speaker 1: every Sunday from seven to nine pm. As I said,
Speaker 1: if you missed any part of the show, it's right there.
Speaker 2: On the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
Speaker 1: k five AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
Speaker 1: hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
Speaker 1: to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.