WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.559 At this hours turns the glass of our studio windows 2 00:00:06.559 --> 00:00:09.439 into a blurry mirror. On clear evenings, I can see 3 00:00:09.480 --> 00:00:11.880 down to the sidewalk, count the CAB's nose, to bumper, 4 00:00:11.919 --> 00:00:14.480 a long bed foot track, the pulsing red of break lights. 5 00:00:15.240 --> 00:00:18.760 It's soothing mostly, but to night it's darker than usual, fogy, 6 00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:21.000 maybe a little rainy. The streets painted in those slick 7 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.079 blue and yellow streaks. You can only get into city 8 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:25.960 this old. Our living room smells like old coffee, and 9 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:29.079 the lasagna are reheated and touched two hours ago. The 10 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:31.359 light in the hallway of our brandstone is weak in orange, 11 00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:33.560 the kind that makes you see your own expression, nervous 12 00:00:33.560 --> 00:00:35.600 and a little older than I want to admit. Never Winder, 13 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.640 I'm in our front studio, which is basically the living room. 14 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:40.719 Become endeared for work when we realize neither of us 15 00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:43.200 could be productive with the desk by the bed. I've 16 00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:45.320 got the big eye mac Hamming my favorite bat at 17 00:00:45.399 --> 00:00:47.560 molskine open to half sketched floor or pattern for a 18 00:00:47.560 --> 00:00:50.520 wedding invitation at stew Monday, I keep looking up, not 19 00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:53.200 at the screen but out My pencil's been in my 20 00:00:53.240 --> 00:00:56.280 hand for twenty minutes, but the page hasn't changed. I 21 00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:58.759 catch myself judling the same cover over and over without 22 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:04.000 noticing Eavans's chair is empty. Of course he's late again. 23 00:01:04.760 --> 00:01:07.200 Pottery night stretches long when you're the only one waiting 24 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:09.879 for it to end. Our neighborhood is one of those old, 25 00:01:09.879 --> 00:01:12.959 broken unclives that still pretends its gentrification can by accident. 26 00:01:13.079 --> 00:01:16.359 Mules everywhere, vegan bickery squeezed up against old polish dellas, 27 00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:19.599 garden sprouting from fire escapes. I love it in the 28 00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:22.799 early evening, everyone in motion, musical leaking through open windows. 29 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:27.719 It's supposed to be calming, safe, luminous, But sitting here, 30 00:01:27.799 --> 00:01:29.920 listening to the creeks overhead, I feel the ache of 31 00:01:29.920 --> 00:01:33.840 something missing him, maybe poor just us. When I finally 32 00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:37.079 do spot him, he's not alone. I don't see another person, 33 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:39.560 but he's talking to someone. He's outside on the stoop, 34 00:01:39.640 --> 00:01:41.680 his phone pressed to his face, head tipped forward like 35 00:01:41.719 --> 00:01:44.959 he's sharing a seeker joke. He laughs, then types something, 36 00:01:45.280 --> 00:01:48.519 laughing again, oblivious to me watching through the reflection blurred glass. 37 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:51.680 His backpack slumps at his feet, and something bright purple 38 00:01:51.719 --> 00:01:56.200 another mug peaks from the top I wait. I try, 39 00:01:56.280 --> 00:01:58.159 I really try not to jump at the sound of 40 00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:01.519 the front door, but I do. He comes in, smelling 41 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:04.519 like clay and rain, hair flattened under his cap. His 42 00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:07.439 cheeks are red, maybe from the cold, made from running, 43 00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:10.919 but he is a breeding heavily. Our eyes meet. He 44 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:13.000 moves to hang his jacket as I close my laptop. 45 00:02:13.039 --> 00:02:15.919 Without a word, he starts before I can say anything. 46 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:18.719 Dinner roun late again. Sorry we lost track of time. 47 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:21.240 Everyone was there and afterward occummants does to help with 48 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:24.080 clean up. She's got nu glaizes it's a mess. His 49 00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:26.439 tone tries to stay light, but skims past my glance. 50 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:29.960 He holds out the mug like a surprise. Look, glazes 51 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:32.599 didn't crack for once. I think this one's actually usable. 52 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:36.360 I take it. The cup is beautiful, lopsided, but with 53 00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:39.159 the kind of intentional awkwardness arising bly spiral a thumb 54 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:42.439 print someone's careful attention in the handle. He rattles on 55 00:02:42.479 --> 00:02:44.680 about how the instructor tease him for trimming too little 56 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:47.400 off the foot. It's his seventh mug in three weeks. 57 00:02:48.199 --> 00:02:51.919 No set, all different, some delicate as eggshell, some are off, 58 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:55.240 all marked with random initials. I smile a little, or 59 00:02:55.240 --> 00:02:57.840 at least try. It's really nice. This is for me 60 00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:01.080 or the communal shelf. He shrugs for us, for whoever 61 00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:03.840 needs it. He sits his bag by the coat rack, 62 00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:07.199 avoids my eyes. Sorry I missed dinner. Was it okay 63 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:09.719 that I wasn't here? The question is designed to make 64 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:13.240 me say yes. I nod. He drops his wallet and 65 00:03:13.319 --> 00:03:15.479 keys on the stand, like he does every night, only 66 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:18.680 now I watch his hands just a beat too closely. Later, 67 00:03:18.840 --> 00:03:21.639 in our bedroom, he gets in the shower, humming something unfamiliar. 68 00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:24.120 I lie back and trace the lip of that new mug, 69 00:03:24.280 --> 00:03:27.039 feeling for a chip or flaw. It's still warm from 70 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:29.280 his hands, smooth where the glaze hangs, thick and glossy, 71 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:32.280 rough Were it thins? There's a small and even ridge 72 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:35.520 by the handle, almost a signature, no, almost a fingerprint. 73 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:39.360 Not his. Someone else is thum pressed there, guiding a 74 00:03:39.400 --> 00:03:42.319 ship that is now here in our home. He falls asleep, 75 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:45.120 almost instantly, curled away from me. I lie awake, listening 76 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:47.520 to the radiator hiss. The city alive beyond the glass, 77 00:03:47.639 --> 00:03:49.319 and the mug on the windows are catching the blow 78 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:51.879 of the street lamp. Ordinary and unfamiliar, all at once. 79 00:03:52.599 --> 00:03:55.800 Most mornings, our apartment wakes in gentle overlap. We use 80 00:03:55.879 --> 00:03:58.199 the same coffee pot, the same jokes about deadlines and 81 00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:01.560 caffeine jitters. Evan was always up first, loping into the 82 00:04:01.639 --> 00:04:04.240 kitchen in whatever band tea showed. He's slept in, making 83 00:04:04.280 --> 00:04:07.360 too much noise, grinding beans. He likes to say he 84 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:09.879 lives for the process of the smell, the word, the routine. 85 00:04:10.319 --> 00:04:13.039 I just need the caffeine. Some days we spill into 86 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:15.240 work right at the kitchen table, but mostly we keep 87 00:04:15.240 --> 00:04:18.480 our temples sanctified, funds off jazz or ambient playlists. The 88 00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:21.399 west facing windows craft open for light dinner. There is 89 00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:24.199 an order we built together. We got married at twenty 90 00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:26.160 eight after two messy break ups with other people and 91 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:28.160 a cross country moved to the city with nothing but 92 00:04:28.240 --> 00:04:31.560 up at folios and evans unshakable infectious obsession with design. 93 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.519 We blended our lives like we blended our client lists, 94 00:04:34.639 --> 00:04:37.519 learned patients through fighting about fonts and foul backups. Calling 95 00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:40.199 ourselves the only creative agency were two last names and 96 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:43.279 one bed one. We entertained people would marvel at how 97 00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:45.720 we traded design ideas over dinner how our voices would 98 00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:48.079 rise in playful argument about cunning or whether vintage kick 99 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:51.079 pose to color palette was too obvious. They balance each 100 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:54.000 other so well. Our friends said, you are that couple. 101 00:04:54.680 --> 00:04:57.560 I believed it now. I sometimes wonder if we used 102 00:04:57.560 --> 00:05:01.040 to lie about never lying. Our contract was always total honesty. 103 00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:04.399 Dog Ear advised all the udly truce before breakfast, and 104 00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:06.680 tangling the day's bad news before any one could sto 105 00:05:07.480 --> 00:05:09.720 If I noticed feedback on a draft, he'd miss. I'd 106 00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:12.319 nudge him. If he caught me falling behind on billing, 107 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:14.800 he'd take over the spreadsheet for a month. Even our 108 00:05:14.800 --> 00:05:17.399 inside jokes about our old landlord or clients who couldn't 109 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:19.480 choose between teal or blue, heave safety in them, a 110 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:23.160 layer of knowing. But last summer was hard. Our business 111 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:26.240 sload gigstaggered, and suddenly our temple felt more like a seal. 112 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:30.560 Evan got prickly, folding inwards, procrastinating on even simple banners. 113 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:34.240 I did what I always due, midliss, color coded Google candas, 114 00:05:34.279 --> 00:05:38.439 crunch numbers, recent inverses. I'm the steady one, he's the dreamer. 115 00:05:39.079 --> 00:05:42.519 Sometimes we thought he used to call his own mood slumps. Said, 116 00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:44.240 it was like being stuck on a carousel with all 117 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:47.199 the lights out. I tried not to push, told myself, 118 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:49.920 every one gets lost. I told him over and over 119 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:52.160 to try something new, not to let fear culs fy 120 00:05:52.199 --> 00:05:55.199 his hands. When a flier through the pottery workship arrived 121 00:05:55.199 --> 00:05:57.639 in our mail books, a glossy print out advertising centering 122 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:00.759 Play Creative re Birth, I clipped at his creen. Why not, 123 00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:04.800 I told him, do something with your hands. No deadlines, 124 00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:06.800 no screens make messes. You don't have to clean for 125 00:06:06.839 --> 00:06:08.839 a living. You always said you wanted to throw something 126 00:06:08.839 --> 00:06:11.439 on a wheel. Right. He grinned, Kiss me, let me 127 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:14.720 pay the registration fee. Two weeks later he had Tuesday 128 00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:17.759 nights marked out for claith Airby. It was supposed to help, 129 00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:20.879 It was supposed to be for him, for us. I 130 00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:22.879 wanted to be the wife who cheered him on, who 131 00:06:22.920 --> 00:06:26.399 didn't bridle at the idea of independent hobbies and outside friends. 132 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:29.959 I didn't expect to find myself months later, tracking the time, 133 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:32.759 measuring in silence and mugs how far he was drifting. 134 00:06:33.319 --> 00:06:36.079 I never thought I'd be the insecure wine the first 135 00:06:36.079 --> 00:06:38.959 time I catch myself doubting. It's so small, barely a breath. 136 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:42.399 It's a Thursday, not pottery night. Work's been slow for 137 00:06:42.439 --> 00:06:44.560 both of us. The calender mostly empty, except for a 138 00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:46.399 video call with a client who needs a low go 139 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:50.480 tweak by the weekend. After the call, Evan checks his phone. Oh, 140 00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:52.199 the group is meeting for dinner. I might go. They 141 00:06:52.199 --> 00:06:54.360 want to try the new Mediterranean place near the center. 142 00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:58.920 I nod which one, I ask fingers on my laptop. 143 00:06:59.480 --> 00:07:02.279 He looks um. I think it's the place with the 144 00:07:02.279 --> 00:07:04.560 big mural, or it could beat up bistro on Fulton. 145 00:07:04.600 --> 00:07:07.560 We talked about both. He shrugs too quickly, slides his 146 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:10.720 phone in his pocket. I can't remember him being so vague, 147 00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:13.759 but chalk it up to distraction. He's out until nearly midnight. 148 00:07:14.279 --> 00:07:16.000 The perfume on his shirt when he comes home is 149 00:07:16.040 --> 00:07:19.439 for or spicy, and definitely not mine. I don't say anything. 150 00:07:19.959 --> 00:07:23.040 I don't interrogate the facts. Ikovwarf is someone's cloud of scent. 151 00:07:23.079 --> 00:07:25.279 The restaurant could have been crowded, the air everywhere thence 152 00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:28.600 with overlapping colognes. But from that night I start watching 153 00:07:29.199 --> 00:07:32.160 tiny details the way. He's more distracted in our studio, 154 00:07:32.279 --> 00:07:34.879 thumb flicking over his phone under the desk, lips culling 155 00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:37.399 up a text I never see. He gets up fast 156 00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:39.480 when I walk in, guards his screen with the casual, 157 00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:42.519 which just cap means from Leo. He's more talkative about pottery, 158 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:46.199 volunteering details, maybe too many sometimes, but never introduces me 159 00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:49.439 to any one at first. It's almost touching how determined 160 00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:51.079 he is to keep a part of his world peaceful 161 00:07:51.079 --> 00:07:54.279 in private. Sometimes I scold myself, almost cruelly, for the 162 00:07:54.399 --> 00:07:56.920 ugly thoughts. Wasn't I the one who pushed him to 163 00:07:56.920 --> 00:08:00.680 get out? All artists need community, don't they? He was 164 00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:03.639 soffocating in our daily loop, our deadlines and shrinking business, 165 00:08:03.639 --> 00:08:07.920 my relentless lists. I promised him freedom. I try to 166 00:08:07.959 --> 00:08:10.600 hold on to some pride. I tell myself to let 167 00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:13.480 him have secrets that aren't threats, joys that aunt betrayals, 168 00:08:14.160 --> 00:08:16.160 but the sense of something widening between us, or may 169 00:08:16.160 --> 00:08:18.360 be stretching, thinning until it threatens to break, will not 170 00:08:18.439 --> 00:08:21.720 leave me, no matter how I try. One afternoon and 171 00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:24.959 reorganizing the kitchen shelves a distraction from the empty inbus 172 00:08:25.079 --> 00:08:27.279 really and Evan walks in, dangling a set of keys 173 00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:29.920 on a hand made Linard Alva gave us these to 174 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:32.399 use the center after hours. She says, real art happens 175 00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:34.960 after midnight, when you're too tired to be careful. He 176 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:39.080 chuckles but doesn't say more. Who else is one? I ask? 177 00:08:39.240 --> 00:08:42.360 Opening a cabinet. He names three people I don't recognize, 178 00:08:42.360 --> 00:08:44.519 soft names, none of which have ever come up before. 179 00:08:45.120 --> 00:08:47.080 He brings home or pottery in the next few weeks 180 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:50.039 of bowl glazed deep green, another mug studded with leaf shapes, 181 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:53.759 played painted with delicate brennax. Each item is tagged for 182 00:08:53.799 --> 00:08:57.039 studio use, but sits on our shelves. I turn them 183 00:08:57.039 --> 00:08:59.240 in my hands late at night, noticing brush strokes he 184 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:02.480 never seen in trass stood in before. Some pieces are heavier, 185 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:06.000 almost professional, others light and oddly shaped, morelike test ballons 186 00:09:06.039 --> 00:09:09.440 than finished work. I try to learn the group's names, Ava, 187 00:09:09.559 --> 00:09:13.759 who leads, Mark who is hilariously uncoordinated, Sonia who talks 188 00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:16.759 about energy, floils a lot. He mentions them in passing, 189 00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:19.279 but never suggests I come along. Never even offers to 190 00:09:19.320 --> 00:09:21.000 host the group for dinner, the way we've done with 191 00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:24.159 other friends. When I joke maybe I'll join and see 192 00:09:24.159 --> 00:09:27.120 what all the fuss is about, Evan only laughs. He'd 193 00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:29.679 hate it. There's so much small talk, studio gossip. He'd 194 00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:31.759 be bored out of yer mind to trust me. His 195 00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:33.600 tone is light, but his eyes flick away as he 196 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:37.480 says it. I tell myself not to take it personally. Still, 197 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:39.240 when he's not looking, I took a card with the 198 00:09:39.240 --> 00:09:42.720 community centers and foe into my planner. One Friday, undep 199 00:09:42.759 --> 00:09:44.799 in edits on a client's website. When he comes in, 200 00:09:44.919 --> 00:09:47.960 dropping his bag with a tired sigh, I wave him over. 201 00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:50.720 Did ye get dinner with the crew? He nods, but 202 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:54.200 again his answers are vague, circling the same words. We 203 00:09:54.279 --> 00:09:56.240 kept it simple, just some pizza hung out in the 204 00:09:56.279 --> 00:09:58.120 side room. Ava wants us to work on a big 205 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:00.759 collaborative piece for the spring show. I catch a scent. 206 00:10:00.840 --> 00:10:03.919 I don't know, something laid over the clay wheat floral. Later, 207 00:10:04.200 --> 00:10:06.679 while sorting laundry, a slip of paper lines on my foot. 208 00:10:06.919 --> 00:10:09.240 A restaurant or seat the logo all and Boss Gold 209 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:12.840 two entrees, whine for over a hundred dollars on a Thursday, 210 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:15.080 claimed to be out with the whole group. The name 211 00:10:15.159 --> 00:10:17.559 is new to me. Miss Juliet across Town a place 212 00:10:17.559 --> 00:10:20.240 we've only walked past, always assuming it was too untouchable 213 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:23.080 for date night. The time stamp is nearly nine of 'em. 214 00:10:23.559 --> 00:10:25.879 That night, he'd come home raving about cheap pete and 215 00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:29.320 the loudest, silliest crew ever. This time, I don't mention 216 00:10:29.360 --> 00:10:32.480 the discrepancy. I talk their receipt in my jacket pocket, 217 00:10:32.519 --> 00:10:35.399 unsure what the right move is. Is it possible he's lying? 218 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:38.159 Is it possible I've created a story in my head 219 00:10:38.159 --> 00:10:40.519 that isn't there. The more I dwell, the more my 220 00:10:40.559 --> 00:10:43.919 own explanations start to sound feeble. Maybe some one else paid, 221 00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:48.159 Maybe there was a mix up. Maybe maybe things escalate 222 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:49.840 not with a bang, but with the steady, direct drip 223 00:10:49.879 --> 00:10:52.519 trip of details that don't fit. He stopped sketching late 224 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:54.159 at night, always alone in the studio of the door 225 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:57.279 half closed, head funds on. Once, when I nudged the 226 00:10:57.320 --> 00:10:59.360 door open to ask about an invice, I glimpse a 227 00:10:59.399 --> 00:11:02.200 page full of f wominine faces, eyes closed, long lines 228 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:05.440 curving into cheek and jaw. The pencil marks are soften new. 229 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:09.399 I ask, who's your model? He startles alas, says it's 230 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:12.320 from a dream, and turns the page. A few days 231 00:11:12.360 --> 00:11:15.039 later the pat gallery show. An acquaintance of Osnea, who 232 00:11:15.039 --> 00:11:17.559 freelances Victor art for a gaming company, pulls me aside 233 00:11:17.559 --> 00:11:20.159 by the punch bowl. So Evna been and rose The 234 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:22.919 other morning he was with one of the community center instructors. 235 00:11:23.080 --> 00:11:25.639 I think tall Bob's hare. Never seen her smile so wide. 236 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:30.039 She shrugs. Cute couple, you should join us sometime. I smile, 237 00:11:30.159 --> 00:11:34.039 manage a laugh inside my chest. Titans. That night I 238 00:11:34.080 --> 00:11:37.639 search for the pottery group online. Not then, not even 239 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:40.600 a blurry Instagram grid of facebookalbum, just a generic community 240 00:11:40.639 --> 00:11:42.600 center page with a list of weekly workshops and a 241 00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:46.679 sign up form. No group photos, no testimonials, no trace 242 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:50.120 of the projects Evan brings home. Is this normal? The 243 00:11:50.159 --> 00:11:53.399 studio is popular, there should be something anything. I ask 244 00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:55.559 him if I can stop by after work, bring some 245 00:11:55.600 --> 00:11:58.639 coffee to the group. Evan smiles but shakes his head. 246 00:11:58.919 --> 00:12:01.759 We're in the drawing room most of the night to night, dusty, crowded, 247 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:04.399 not much room for guests. Maybe after the big shown me. 248 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:06.840 The next day, I spot an open sketch be in 249 00:12:06.840 --> 00:12:09.200 the studio while tidying. He's left it on the drafting table, 250 00:12:09.240 --> 00:12:12.639 as if by accident. More faces, some familiar, some knot, 251 00:12:12.759 --> 00:12:14.919 all with full lips and a particular slant to the brows. 252 00:12:15.559 --> 00:12:17.360 I compare the faces to the muks stacked on our 253 00:12:17.399 --> 00:12:20.440 studio shelf. One bowl is etched with the tiny vy 254 00:12:20.519 --> 00:12:22.919 near the foot. I turn it over in my palm, 255 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:25.320 the glaze catching the light in soft honeyed colors I've 256 00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:28.320 never seen ever use before. He's usually drawn to cobalt 257 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:32.120 blue or bleeding red. These colors feel burrowed. We have 258 00:12:32.120 --> 00:12:34.480 a dinner scheduled with potential clients on a Tuesday, but 259 00:12:34.519 --> 00:12:37.559 the afternoon before, Evan says, I really can't miss pottery. 260 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:39.399 This week off as demo in a new firing method, 261 00:12:39.399 --> 00:12:42.320 and I'll never get another chance. He suggests I handle 262 00:12:42.360 --> 00:12:45.639 the meeting Sola. I joke that he's choosing pots over clients, 263 00:12:45.720 --> 00:12:48.639 But my words aund brittle, defensive. He bristles, you are 264 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:51.000 the one always telling me to prioritize my growth, not 265 00:12:51.159 --> 00:12:53.600 just hassle. Why are you making me feel guilty for this? 266 00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:56.559 It's like he want me stuck. His face hardens, and 267 00:12:56.639 --> 00:12:58.720 for a second I see not my partner but a stranger. 268 00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:01.960 We barely speak for the rest of the day. After 269 00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:04.360 I close the deal with the clients myself a small victory. 270 00:13:04.399 --> 00:13:06.759 I come home with Taiko, only to find Evan already 271 00:13:06.759 --> 00:13:09.679 in bed, half asleep, his phone lighting up with notifications. 272 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:13.000 He silences with an impatient swipe. That night, our conversation 273 00:13:13.080 --> 00:13:16.120 derails into a tide looping fight about whether he's present enough, 274 00:13:16.399 --> 00:13:18.919 whether I'm too controlling, whether we're both chasing something we 275 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:22.120 can't quite define any more. He apologizes in the morning, 276 00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:24.559 leaves a nerd on the table. Love, you promise I'm 277 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:26.840 not running away, just trying to find a spark. Let 278 00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:29.679 me have this. I want to believe him. But when 279 00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:31.919 I'm cleaning up after our failed dinner, I find a 280 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:34.960 note stuffed carelessly in the pocket of his jenes. The 281 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.600 handwriting is careful, looping letters in deep blue ere A 282 00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:40.519 sense of form is so compelling. Next week just us, eh, 283 00:13:40.960 --> 00:13:43.240 I stare at until my vision blur is unable to 284 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:47.120 process the meaning. Is it flotation? Is it a critique? 285 00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:51.240 Is it both? Our intimacy starts to falter. There are 286 00:13:51.240 --> 00:13:54.120 more failed attempt at connection. Sex fizzles, replaced by lawn 287 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:58.679 cold silences. He's tired, always sculpting until his bones ache. 288 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:01.720 I ask him gently one night. If he's happy, he 289 00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:05.519 kisses my forehead in silence. The reassurance doesn't reach my heart. 290 00:14:06.120 --> 00:14:09.080 Three days after the note discovery, I finally raise the subject. 291 00:14:09.720 --> 00:14:12.120 We're cleaning the studio, sweeping up a raiser's shavings and 292 00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:15.200 empty coffee cups, trying to reclaim some order. I reach 293 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:18.200 across the table and put the note between us. Who 294 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:22.200 is eh? I ask? Evans's face goes slack for a second, 295 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:25.600 but quickly reshapes itself. Oh right, that's from Ava. She 296 00:14:25.639 --> 00:14:28.600 writes those kinds of notes to everyone. She's obsessed with feedback. 297 00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:31.600 Cart' schoolhab trust me totally harmless. She leaves has stucker 298 00:14:31.639 --> 00:14:33.799 to the gum for half the group. He goes on 299 00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:37.200 painting av as Kirki a joker, someone who teases all 300 00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:40.639 her students, especially those struggling. I weighed his explanation. It 301 00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:44.200 could be true, maybe I'm projecting maybe the evidence hearts 302 00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:46.799 up only because I want it to. He senses my 303 00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:50.120 hesitation and says, with a mixture of exasperation and winded pry, 304 00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:52.559 ye know what. Come to the next show and tell 305 00:14:52.679 --> 00:14:54.279 meet every one I want you to see. I'm not 306 00:14:54.360 --> 00:14:57.919 hiding anything. Please. His openness so sudden and certain deflate 307 00:14:57.960 --> 00:15:01.120 to me. I apologize, it's us. Things have felt off, 308 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:04.320 and I he stops me genuinely gentle for the first 309 00:15:04.360 --> 00:15:07.480 time in weeks. Hey, I get it. Bart brain takes 310 00:15:07.480 --> 00:15:09.399 over and I forget everything else. I'm sorry if I 311 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:11.799 made you feel left out. The Show and Tell is 312 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:14.799 three nights later. I put on my favorite green dress, 313 00:15:14.840 --> 00:15:17.480 determined to leave all my suspicions at the door. The 314 00:15:17.559 --> 00:15:20.759 community center is bright and humming with people. Av is 315 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:22.919 real tall in overalls, her hair in a neat bob, 316 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.240 laughing too loudly at almost everything. There is no awkwardness, 317 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:29.039 at least not between her and Evan. She's equally affectionate 318 00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:31.480 with all the students, touching shoulders as she circles the 319 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:34.919 dis ebled group. People demonstrate the mags and bowls. Everyone 320 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:37.440 roops each other about failed glazes. Some one drops a 321 00:15:37.440 --> 00:15:40.039 plate and the whole group groans in unison. Tis why 322 00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:42.480 in store bought cookies? The unmistakable whiff of burnt clay 323 00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:45.519 in the air. No signals passed between Evan and Ovida. 324 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:48.080 I can detect nothing over it, nothing that says affair 325 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:51.240 or evening rendezvous. At one point, Ava waves me over. 326 00:15:51.960 --> 00:15:55.799 You must be the infamous studio half. She's cheerful. I 327 00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:58.080 keep saying, Evan should bring photos of your work. The 328 00:15:58.120 --> 00:16:00.879 two of you must make an unstoppable team. Her attention 329 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:03.519 veers away, just as quickly, replaced by organizing a group 330 00:16:03.559 --> 00:16:06.679 photo and recounting the story of evans first failed call pot. 331 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:08.960 By the end of the night, I'm unsteady with a 332 00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:13.279 strange relief. May be all I needed was transparency. Maybe 333 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:16.279 I made something from nothing. Evan is attentive, handed the 334 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:19.200 small of my back as we leave, whispering see no intrigue, 335 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:21.840 just a bunch of weird adults making lumpy things. I 336 00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:24.759 try to believe it. For a few days, I mostly do. 337 00:16:25.399 --> 00:16:27.519 I work in the studios, shoulder to shoulder with Evan. 338 00:16:28.039 --> 00:16:31.440 He's lighter, more openly affectionate. I decide to ignore the 339 00:16:31.480 --> 00:16:33.399 last few weeks, chalk it up to paranoia at the 340 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:36.720 stress of working and living so tightly woven together. Then 341 00:16:36.879 --> 00:16:39.480 at one thirteen a m. The following Friday, I receive 342 00:16:39.519 --> 00:16:42.200 an anonymous text sawyer husband with avat to. I ask 343 00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:45.279 about closing time. The words haunt me, echoing in my 344 00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:47.159 veins as I stare at the ceiling that night, the 345 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:49.720 blue glow of my frown burning into my eyes. Who 346 00:16:49.720 --> 00:16:53.320 would say that? What does closing time mean? The relief 347 00:16:53.320 --> 00:16:55.559 had felt collapses into a cold chop not of dread. 348 00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:59.720 Sleep is impossible. I reap every recent conversation, not just 349 00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:01.720 with O, but with Ava, with the group, with Nea 350 00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:06.319 at the gallery. What had I missed? Is someone jealous only? 351 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:09.160 Was it just a cruel prank? Or is ill warning? 352 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:12.200 I tried to scroll the feeling away, flicking through posts 353 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.319 on the center's page, but nothing new appears. I search 354 00:17:15.359 --> 00:17:18.279 every permutation of pottery Group Brooklyn nov Studio and find 355 00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:20.640 only the same flat list of weaker schedules and vague 356 00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:22.559 testimonials that could have been written by an in ten 357 00:17:22.680 --> 00:17:25.039 years ago. I open my file with the receipts and 358 00:17:25.079 --> 00:17:27.559 cross reference each date and location. One matches the night 359 00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:29.960 Evan Cane back late, saying he'd stay too help scrub 360 00:17:29.960 --> 00:17:33.359 the wheels. That same date, Mason Julet's receipt stares up 361 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:35.720 at me time stumped just after a dinner rush, two 362 00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:38.519 entrees and two glasses of wine the night I work 363 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:40.279 late at the studio on my own. He'd claimed to 364 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:42.359 be out with the whole crew again the not in 365 00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:45.960 my stomach titans. I tried gently probing. The next day, 366 00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:49.079 over breakfast, I ask a careful question, are you an 367 00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:52.119 over working on anything special lately? He reaches for the 368 00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:55.079 sugar composure intact well. She asks everyone to show her 369 00:17:55.079 --> 00:17:56.880 the progress at the end of class. She's a hands 370 00:17:56.880 --> 00:18:00.759 on teacher, you know. He doesn't elaborate. Day later, after 371 00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:03.000 another restless night, I call off Friendly to talk about 372 00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:06.039 an unrelated freelance gig. Before I hang up, I ask 373 00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:07.880 about the pottery class. He'd done a couple of one 374 00:18:07.880 --> 00:18:13.160 off workshops there years ago. Leo goes quiet Ovaha, she's passionate. 375 00:18:13.240 --> 00:18:15.400 I heard she sometimes gets really close with the people 376 00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:17.440 she sees promising. A couple of guys in my group 377 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:19.799 actually joked about it. Not sure if it meant anything. 378 00:18:19.799 --> 00:18:22.400 You know how odd people can be. This a hesitation 379 00:18:22.519 --> 00:18:25.960 await behind his words, but he doesn't elaborate. I hang 380 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:29.279 up more questions than answers. I now even our clients 381 00:18:29.279 --> 00:18:32.759 are noticing the distance. Evan forgets meetings, sends off half 382 00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:36.319 finished drafts, blames the creative process or needing more inspiration time. 383 00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:39.519 I pick up the slack, but underneath rage and fear 384 00:18:39.559 --> 00:18:43.079 spiral together, impossible to separate. One evening, I decide to 385 00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:45.680 do the unthinkable. I pat my tup bag with a 386 00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:48.319 half redesigned annual and wander down to the community center 387 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:50.279 at a fifty p m. Half an hour before the 388 00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:53.200 last pottery class should end. I wait on the steps, 389 00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:55.640 close enough to blend in as a passerby, far enough 390 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:58.880 to avoid being spotted through the glass. Students filter out 391 00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:01.160 in twos and threes at a ricksheg off the brick 392 00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:05.880 minutes drag on My heart pounds lotder than the traffic. Finally, 393 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:09.079 only the dim pottery room light remains. I see Evan 394 00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:11.480 and Ov outside by side of the wheel, hands smeared 395 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:14.799 with clay, faces close under the shadowed fluorescent clow. Their 396 00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:16.960 voices are low and urgent. Can't make out the words, 397 00:19:16.960 --> 00:19:19.799 but the intimacy hums like a current. I see OVA's 398 00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:21.720 hand rest for a moment on Evans's wrist. Her laugh 399 00:19:21.799 --> 00:19:24.960 is softer, not for great consumption. They clean up, side 400 00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:28.200 by side, moving in synchronized ease, a few feet from 401 00:19:28.200 --> 00:19:30.359