Speaker 1: My friend Stewart. He got weirdly obsessed once with catching catfish,
Speaker 1: or attempting to catch catfish with his teeth, not with
Speaker 1: his teeth, with a fishing rod, and.
Speaker 2: Within beat them to death for the fishing rod.
Speaker 1: Within probably a week of him boring us with catfish,
Speaker 1: his nickname quickly got changed to catman's stew Ah. I
Speaker 1: just got told by somebody that they said, oh, lovely
Speaker 1: cover on st this week, and I haven't seen what
Speaker 1: one they picked.
Speaker 3: Sold on it just so happens, Callum, I have here,
Speaker 3: what's this?
Speaker 1: I'm really keen to know what picture they picked?
Speaker 3: Oh, there's a Collins catalog. I'll read that cover to cover.
Speaker 3: Look at that, go to show me. I want to
Speaker 3: see a little spaniel.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I edited of grass out in
Speaker 1: the front of the dog's eye in that one? So
Speaker 1: did you?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I never with a little tea? Well I never, So
Speaker 3: let me just make sure. And it's going to go
Speaker 3: to the thing because this week's cover cover image was
Speaker 3: supplied by Callum mciner. Honesty. Finally, that's very good news. Well, anyway,
Speaker 3: I'll read that Collins catalog with great interest, and.
Speaker 1: On three covers, three covers so far this year, I
Speaker 1: think six.
Speaker 3: You honestly, you're You're admirable, really.
Speaker 2: Be Presumably they don't know you do this podcast yet.
Speaker 2: Otherwise that's you know, that's just going to dry up
Speaker 2: straight away, isn't it. Yeah?
Speaker 1: Possibly, I'm very professional in these in all of these things.
Speaker 3: Well, hanging hanging around, hanging around with us is probably
Speaker 3: a downside.
Speaker 1: Actually Amy edits out all the stuff where I'm unprofessional,
Speaker 1: So I mean.
Speaker 3: Does I never noticed that with.
Speaker 2: A lot on the cutting room floor. Okay, there's at
Speaker 2: least there's at least four hours from every week that
Speaker 2: we just get rid of.
Speaker 3: Yes, you see that delightful lady who did all that
Speaker 3: kitchen disco. What's her name? Mum double barrowed name girl?
Speaker 3: Kitchen disco, kitchen disco? That really pretty girl? What's her name?
Speaker 3: The one Sophie ll Aspecster. Yes, you see she said
Speaker 3: there was murder on the dance floor on Amy's cutting room.
Speaker 3: There's callum all over.
Speaker 1: I photographed her three times.
Speaker 3: You know what, I'd have done it more than three times.
Speaker 3: I'll tell you that for nothing, I'd have photographed her.
Speaker 2: She's outside her house. Did she know about it?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Well that's why I wear Can.
Speaker 3: I imagine that a kitchen disco, there's a man dressed
Speaker 3: as Bungle outside the kitchen window scaring the kids? Was lockdown?
Speaker 3: Went here again?
Speaker 1: He's here again.
Speaker 3: So what are we talking about this week?
Speaker 2: Richard? We are going to talk about the burgeoning spring,
Speaker 2: the springing spring, and some other stuff as well. Okay,
Speaker 2: how about that? Is that a good description? I like that.
Speaker 3: I like these clear and concise instructions spring and other stuff.
Speaker 2: Well everything, you know, other stuff. Just it could it
Speaker 2: just ties it all nicely into anything in the world
Speaker 2: or the universe as we know it. I agree.
Speaker 3: I think that, you know, our listenership burgeoning as it is.
Speaker 3: I think they don't want us to go and dictate them.
Speaker 3: Most people's lives are heavily dictated either by this dictatorship
Speaker 3: which we currently live under and the rest of society largely.
Speaker 3: There is a lot of dictatorship and bullying and generally
Speaker 3: telling you what to do. I like to think that
Speaker 3: country Slide is a libertarian space that people can escape
Speaker 3: into for an hour or for how long we go
Speaker 3: on for, you know, and feel as one with us
Speaker 3: in our slightly pickled state.
Speaker 2: Well as I said the other week to the editor
Speaker 2: of an online writing place that our aim is to
Speaker 2: one day make somebody actually crash a tractor whilst listening
Speaker 2: to us. Yeah, I think we've come close a few times.
Speaker 2: To be honest, I think we have. So it's quite funny.
Speaker 2: I get all these all these funny little messages from
Speaker 2: mates of mine, and actually people are really surprised.
Speaker 3: Today I went, we had a load of superb scientists
Speaker 3: come to the farm cluster to go and talk about
Speaker 3: a project which we're working on. Means these a proper
Speaker 3: grown up scientist and they're all saying, I love that podcast.
Speaker 3: I'm thinking, really, you're proper grown ups. I mean, you know,
Speaker 3: you actually have like professor in front of your name,
Speaker 3: and you're listening to this drivel. My lord, this is
Speaker 3: this is a bit of a worry, isn't it. We
Speaker 3: must sort of grow up. We have to stop Callum
Speaker 3: from doing the bunk all outfiting every.
Speaker 2: Week saying all those things he says.
Speaker 1: Every week, You'll never stop me, you'll.
Speaker 2: Never catch me govnor.
Speaker 1: Now never take me alive.
Speaker 2: So we normally do this little what have we done
Speaker 2: this week? Thing? But like you said, Richard or you
Speaker 2: you sort of what you've done this week is staring
Speaker 2: at a hedge, hitting it with a blade, or digging
Speaker 2: and putting a tree in. Callum takes photos of spaniels
Speaker 2: and I do stuff I'm not really meant to be
Speaker 2: talking about at the moment. Sometimes sometimes labradors. Yes, But
Speaker 2: so we want to try and twist that a little bit.
Speaker 2: So you've written a thing for Scriye Pound, which I
Speaker 2: haven't read yet, but all the people that I've told
Speaker 2: to go and subscribe to Scribe Pound have said to me,
Speaker 2: this article is bloody brilliant.
Speaker 3: Well if used to read it now, it's right George Brown,
Speaker 3: who now we all know because we've all appeared on
Speaker 3: the Guns on Pegs podcast and so and he is
Speaker 3: was he called the creative director for Scribe a Grand
Speaker 3: Wizards of the Grand, and he is a top man.
Speaker 3: I do like him. And he said to me, he goes,
Speaker 3: do you know what he goes? This is supposed to
Speaker 3: be a bit that you can say what you want
Speaker 3: to say. And someone had put on a group somewhere
Speaker 3: saying have you seen this? And it was the Farmer's Weeklies,
Speaker 3: TikTok and Instagram feed from The Lammer Show a couple
Speaker 3: of weeks ago, and the Lammer Show is the Lincoln
Speaker 3: shere Agricultural Machinery Show basically, and it's full of massive
Speaker 3: kit because obviously Lincoln shere Is needs massive kit, and
Speaker 3: it's all heavy arable and vege growing and dah da
Speaker 3: da dah. So it attracts young farmers, mainly male, who
Speaker 3: are drooling over these disgustingly big and shiny power for
Speaker 3: beer moths of tractors and combines and harvesters and all
Speaker 3: sorts of things. And quite cleverly, the Farmer's Weekly spotted
Speaker 3: that there was a bit of a recurring theme, and
Speaker 3: that was the mullet. And they got all these guys
Speaker 3: who were all there sort of drooling over these tractors
Speaker 3: and stuff, and all dressed in the identical kit, and
Speaker 3: got them to fluff up their mullet and toss their
Speaker 3: hair around like they're in one of those nineteen eighties
Speaker 3: Timo te adverts and stuff. And it was quite funny.
Speaker 3: And then I thought about, you know, my son, Charlie,
Speaker 3: he's got what's called a modern mullllet.
Speaker 1: What's the difference between a modern mullet and an old
Speaker 1: school retro mullet.
Speaker 3: Well, isn't that a great question? See the other good
Speaker 3: thing about scripand is you don't just have to write
Speaker 3: it you then they give you the opportunity to go
Speaker 3: and read what you've written. And so I tagged on
Speaker 3: to the end an interview I did with Charlie who's
Speaker 3: got a moder mullet. Now, a modern mullllet is you
Speaker 3: know how that the old school one sort of hang
Speaker 3: like I think Billy Ray Cyrus Circle, nineteen eighty eight,
Speaker 3: so he's sort of hanging down somewhere down between his
Speaker 3: shoulder blades. A modern mullet has got it's almost like
Speaker 3: a sort of rather tame Mehican. So it's very tightly
Speaker 3: done over the over the ears, and then you've got
Speaker 3: quite a lot of hair down the back and nearly
Speaker 3: as much on top, so they look slightly like an
Speaker 3: alpacker on top.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's like the broccoli hair kids.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like a broccoli hair kid. But this you've also
Speaker 3: got this big fluffy bit out of your back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's not it's not business in the front,
Speaker 1: party in the back like it.
Speaker 2: Used to know.
Speaker 3: It's business everywhere. Yeah, it's except at the sides. No,
Speaker 3: side business. So I decided to write a piece about
Speaker 3: the mullet because I had one. I dug out a
Speaker 3: few photographs of me back in the eighties when I
Speaker 3: was Charlie's age, and I've got quite long hair at
Speaker 3: the back. I haven't got the sort of very short front,
Speaker 3: so it's not the full billy race iris thing. I've
Speaker 3: got more or less the same front hair that I
Speaker 3: have now, except obviously now it's a lot grayer. Anyway,
Speaker 3: it's all sort of hanging down the back, and I thought,
Speaker 3: do you know what I reckon? There is something here?
Speaker 3: Because I went to London a couple of days before
Speaker 3: I wrote this thing, and I walked all the way
Speaker 3: from South Kent from Clarkenwell to South Kensington, then from
Speaker 3: South Kensington back to Liverpool Street. It's a long old way,
Speaker 3: but I'm not going on a tube. They all smell
Speaker 3: funny and they cost too much money. I don't want
Speaker 3: to put any money into Sadiq Khn's pocket and I'm
Speaker 3: going to walk his beautiful sort of day. So I
Speaker 3: walked about and not one mullet did I see. I mean,
Speaker 3: I saw some fantastic sights in London, as you always do,
Speaker 3: because there's so much life is all there. I didn't
Speaker 3: see a mullet, so this is an extremely rural thing.
Speaker 3: So I came to the conclusion that the mullet is
Speaker 3: basically a rural cry for help. It's a rural cry
Speaker 3: for no, we're still blokey. We're we don't want to
Speaker 3: drive electric anything. We actually would rather smoke cigarettes. They're all,
Speaker 3: you know, quite I mean, unreconstructed male is what I would.
Speaker 1: Call them, the rural mallet counterculture.
Speaker 3: Yeah, basically exactly. It's a counterculture, and I likened them.
Speaker 3: Then I went over into flights of fancy, saying that
Speaker 3: they're exactly the same as the cavaliers under Prince Rupert
Speaker 3: of the Rhine in the English Civil War, who had
Speaker 3: all this flamboyant dress and flamboyant haircut. But if you
Speaker 3: went and called them your big girl's blouse, you'd have
Speaker 3: got your head chopped off, and that they were doing
Speaker 3: that as a sticking a middle digit up at this
Speaker 3: puritanism of them. And I believe there's a bit of
Speaker 3: a puritanism now, which if you actually see these young farmers,
Speaker 3: that they are the heirs to Prince Ruper. So I
Speaker 3: thought it's quite an interesting thing. So you know, I'm
Speaker 3: fifty fire you for something like that now. And I
Speaker 3: was looking back to try and find some stuff for
Speaker 3: this in my photo album, and I saw some horrendous sights.
Speaker 3: I mean, yeah, I mean, so what did you do?
Speaker 3: I mean, what were you wearing? That was crap? When
Speaker 3: you were fourteen fifteen?
Speaker 1: I saw your mullet and you look so much like
Speaker 1: your son as unbelievable. It's amazing when you get pictures
Speaker 1: when you're like the same age as Charlie and you
Speaker 1: look basically identical with your mullet. Yeah, yeah, it was interesting.
Speaker 3: So what did you what stupid stuff did you? Were
Speaker 3: you sporting callum when you were a youthful renegade.
Speaker 1: Being a photographer you also get quite good at photoshop,
Speaker 1: which means you also then get throwing graphic design projects.
Speaker 1: So I got given a graphic design project for a
Speaker 1: hairdressers and instead of paying me in I don't want
Speaker 1: to swear, but I'm going to any anyway, instead of
Speaker 1: paying me in cash money, they just said come into
Speaker 1: the hair into the salon and we'll just fack your
Speaker 1: shit up. Basically, that's that is the Yeah, I was like,
Speaker 1: girls might like it cool. So, so I had at
Speaker 1: one point the whole left side of my hair. I
Speaker 1: just shaved that all the way round to the back,
Speaker 1: and then when it grew back, I got it died
Speaker 1: to blonde, and then when that grew back, well, when
Speaker 1: that grew out a bit, died back to blonde and
Speaker 1: then fully pink from the front the fringe all the
Speaker 1: way round to the back. So like, yeah, that so
Speaker 1: that was good. Wow, how ago was that last week? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've got pictures of me fishing, and then I went
Speaker 1: I went like a rainbow color. I took like lots
Speaker 1: and lots of colors. I looked like, yeah, I look
Speaker 1: like a lesbian. Is what I need to say here?
Speaker 1: I look like a lesbian. Look this really I was
Speaker 1: basically was a lesbian.
Speaker 2: You're trying really hard. I'm guessing it was.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's probably what eighteen nineteen I was. I got
Speaker 1: a little a little blue as a picture of me
Speaker 1: holding a carp and I got a little blue tough
Speaker 1: hanging out the back of my hat, and it's like,
Speaker 1: what is that? I look like one of those vegans
Speaker 1: on Twitter with the blue hair.
Speaker 2: So when I was about eighteen nineteen, I was still
Speaker 2: playing rugby, and I was fairly normal, and I was
Speaker 2: pretty boring then and after that I sort of left
Speaker 2: the team, and then everyone else went off to university,
Speaker 2: and I decided that I didn't want to because I
Speaker 2: thought I'd end up with an alcohol problem and a
Speaker 2: massive debt and I didn't trust Tony Blair. And that's
Speaker 2: pretty much turned out to be true, although you know,
Speaker 2: massive debt, alcohol problem remains to be seen. I then
Speaker 2: started growing my hair, and by the time I was
Speaker 2: about twenty four, I had hair down to my waist.
Speaker 3: My lord, no, really.
Speaker 2: Really, I had a long ponytail all the way down
Speaker 2: to my waist. There are photos of me when I
Speaker 2: joined Mountain Rescue and then I, through various reasons, I
Speaker 2: ended up becoming in some sort of position of authority
Speaker 2: on the team, and I was having to do like
Speaker 2: quite serious news interviews. You know, I'm terribly sorry to
Speaker 2: inform you that we recovered the body from this quarry
Speaker 2: on this date and different things, and I'm stood there like, oh,
Speaker 2: chinky Jesus.
Speaker 3: Chunky Jesus. I thought more like Odd needed a raven.
Speaker 3: I'm afraid he is dead.
Speaker 2: I had quite a boyish, girlish face. I was quite
Speaker 2: youthful and had long hair, and yeah, it was all
Speaker 2: it was all a good look.
Speaker 1: I really wanted to believe it was like a sort
Speaker 1: of like a sexy Viking kind of look. But chunky
Speaker 1: Jesus and sexy Viking are very opposite.
Speaker 2: Jesus. No, I was climbing then as well, so I was.
Speaker 2: I was trying to stay as lean as possible because
Speaker 2: I'm a big lad anyway, so trying to keep the
Speaker 2: weight down for climbing purposes. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I do think there's an advert in that though. Chunky
Speaker 3: Jesus dot com. It's got a certain sort of thing,
Speaker 3: you know, adverts.
Speaker 2: I was pretending to be a kitchen maker at the time.
Speaker 2: I was sort of handmaking these oak kitchens for all
Speaker 2: these farmhouses in the middle of nowhere at the same time.
Speaker 2: And I'd turn up to these quite plash farmhouses in
Speaker 2: like Cheshire and Shropshire, and the guy would open the
Speaker 2: door and you look at me and go, all right, fair.
Speaker 3: Enough, Yes, let's hope your cabinets are better than your hair. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I mean, do you know it's funny because obviously, well
Speaker 3: after I left school, I went straight into the army
Speaker 3: and the elaborate hairstyles were not an option within the Guards.
Speaker 3: Funny enough, although this is true, they're going back to
Speaker 3: the old mullet thing. When I arrived at the guard's step,
Speaker 3: I was sixteen years old and I was the only
Speaker 3: one to pitch up in a suit. My dad thought
Speaker 3: it was a good idea, so he bought me a
Speaker 3: double breasted, pinstriped suit, which I then pitched up. And
Speaker 3: there's all these other guys who had like come from
Speaker 3: South Yorkshire coal fields because there are no jobs there anymore,
Speaker 3: or down from the depressed Deep South West, or a
Speaker 3: lot of guys in Whales are going to the Welsh Guards.
Speaker 3: And there's me in my suit and we all sort
Speaker 3: of got absolutely ashen faced and scared because all of
Speaker 3: a sudden we diss waved. Our parents could buy all
Speaker 3: sixteen and go oh mom Croy. And then you get
Speaker 3: there and there's all of a sudden there's this man
Speaker 3: who's a sort of lance corporal in the Scots Guards
Speaker 3: who's bustling about and he's going, hey, he said, there's
Speaker 3: too guarantees here. Anyone who's got this stupid rest bands on.
Speaker 3: He goes, they will not survive the guards dipple and
Speaker 3: of course, as we was, aha were very popular there,
Speaker 3: wristbands are and you could see the whole bust full
Speaker 3: of people trying to remove these things. And he goes
Speaker 3: and anyone with stupid gear haircuts, they are definitely not
Speaker 3: going to survive the guard's depot. And we just met
Speaker 3: this very tall Welsh guy who was going in the
Speaker 3: Welsh Guards who told us, as we're all milling around
Speaker 3: waiting to get ushered onto buses, that he'd had his
Speaker 3: mullet permed specially to come to the guards deco. Now
Speaker 3: you didn't have to do a lot of research into its,
Speaker 3: like being in the army, that's to know that mullets
Speaker 3: are probably not in and perming them is a waste
Speaker 3: of time. And you could see this Scott's Guards going
Speaker 3: and anyone with stupid hairdoos, they are definitely not And
Speaker 3: he suddenly catches the sight of this seven foot tall
Speaker 3: Welsh sort of bloke with a mullet and he goes,
Speaker 3: oh my god. And we saw him the next day
Speaker 3: when we all got our haircut, you know, like in
Speaker 3: good morning Vietnam and around the back of the sides
Speaker 3: and leave fluffy bit on the top and I think
Speaker 3: they particularly hacked him. He looked like he'd sort of
Speaker 3: had the apprentice on the on the flail moa go
Speaker 3: over him, and they'd had it all taken off. But
Speaker 3: when I then got to Agricultural college, so another six
Speaker 3: years after, so i'd then been in the army. Oh
Speaker 3: my god. So by this point, this is why when
Speaker 3: Nirvana were quite big and all that sort of stuff,
Speaker 3: and I thought, right, I'm going to be really cool
Speaker 3: now because I was suddenly living out my late teens
Speaker 3: early twenties when I was in my mid twenties, and
Speaker 3: I just went stupid. But I've seen old photographs of
Speaker 3: myself and I thought, at the time I looked exactly
Speaker 3: like k Cobain. Well, no, I look more like No,
Speaker 3: I look more like that on cocaine. No, sort of
Speaker 3: Captain Pugwash. I don't know what the hell I looked like,
Speaker 3: but it was it was stupid. So you know, you've
Speaker 3: got layers on and checks, and when you go to
Speaker 3: agricultural collegy, then it was all like you got to
Speaker 3: sort of walk around looking like that you literally just
Speaker 3: finished milk, and it looked more like someone had just
Speaker 3: finished milking me. It wasn't wasn't a good look at all.
Speaker 3: It wasn't a good look. It wasn't a good look.
Speaker 1: But I need to see this.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, what we're going to have to do is
Speaker 3: put them on our Instagram thing.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, yes, you just sent you one on, just
Speaker 1: sent you a couple of WhatsApp.
Speaker 3: Oh my Jesus, Christ, look at that with the look.
Speaker 3: He looks slightly like that first one you have sent Callum.
Speaker 3: If you imagine Hitler and you took his mustache shot.
Speaker 1: I did get a lot of Hitler references.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know there's houses that look like Hitler where
Speaker 2: they've got sort of the dorma with the dorma.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Also got told I I looked like Mark Armond.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's definitely a lot of the slightly sort of
Speaker 3: camp ah. Oh, yes, like he is this chunky Jesus.
Speaker 3: I haven't got access immediately to these things because I
Speaker 3: don't have half them ready to hand unless you want
Speaker 3: to go on the scripud thing. And you can see
Speaker 3: me with a mullet on the front of my article.
Speaker 2: Right, Well, we'll time the will time some photos to
Speaker 2: come out with this episode.
Speaker 3: Yes, how about yes, so rural fashions. They've never been
Speaker 3: good at all in the history of mankind, and they're
Speaker 3: no better now. But I have tried to excuse the
Speaker 3: guys who play rugby and are into their farming today
Speaker 3: with having the silly hair. Not because they're just young
Speaker 3: and daft and you do stupid things with you your
Speaker 3: hair and things that when you're young. It's because they're
Speaker 3: trying to stick a middle finger up to the current
Speaker 3: authority that they have over them. That's my excuse for them,
Speaker 3: and I hope they embrace me like a god or
Speaker 3: Chunky Jesus.
Speaker 2: Chunky Jesus. That's a T shirt.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to get girls well looking like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have ever.
Speaker 4: This is Amy, the producer of the Countryside podcast As
Speaker 4: has Become Fashion. We put out a tweet for small
Speaker 4: rural businesses who wanted to describe their business part way
Speaker 4: through our podcast. The following is just one of the
Speaker 4: several who got in touch. This is Hannah from Esthercare.
Speaker 5: My husband and I run a small rural gardening business
Speaker 5: in West Suffolk. At this time of year, we are
Speaker 5: predominantly planting hedges trees. We prune a lot of apple
Speaker 5: trees in orchards. During the summer months, we do garden maintenance,
Speaker 5: grass cutting, hedge cutting at the right time of year,
Speaker 5: maintain borders. We also advise on meadows and wildflower areas.
Speaker 5: So if anyone is interested in that, get in touch.
Speaker 5: You can find us at stk UK on Instagram's e
Speaker 5: s t a ci e UK. Thanks very much.
Speaker 3: Well the wonderful series The Detectorists. If you haven't seen it, it's
Speaker 3: still on BBC. It's all filmed round here and that
Speaker 3: captures that spit because obviously metal detecting is very popular
Speaker 3: around here. A lot of people in the villages go
Speaker 3: metal detecting because we've got so much land and it
Speaker 3: gets turned over and off they go with their metal detectors.
Speaker 3: And it's so lovely watching that program because you know
Speaker 3: full well that you meet all these people around here
Speaker 3: who are metal detectorists and they're so bored. It's a
Speaker 3: bit like Whendy and I was in the army and
Speaker 3: people say do you watch soldier Soldier? And he goes
Speaker 3: say yeah, is he like that?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 3: And you go and say to the people who are
Speaker 3: metal detectorists, say, is detectrists like that? And they go, well,
Speaker 3: I think they got something wrong when they'll go into
Speaker 3: some technical detail of one of the actual things that
Speaker 3: go bleep, But most of the time you could see that. Obviously.
Speaker 3: Mackenzie Crook, who wrote this, had observed metal detectorists for
Speaker 3: a long long while in released Anglia, and he got
Speaker 3: it bang on, because as far as I can see,
Speaker 3: they are they are exactly that.
Speaker 1: The village hall of tedious meetings about buttons to find
Speaker 1: the table. I bought a metal detector from Ali Express.
Speaker 1: It cost me about one hundred quid and it is
Speaker 1: some of the most fun that I've had in years,
Speaker 1: just going where the field is, go up there and
Speaker 1: find pennies up to I think I found a pound once.
Speaker 2: That was good.
Speaker 3: You found a horde, didn't you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was a separate, a separate occasion. That wasn't
Speaker 1: with a metal detector. I just found a load of
Speaker 1: random old shillings and stuff at the bottom of a tree.
Speaker 1: That was quite fun. But yeah, metal detecting is one
Speaker 1: of the most It's a little bit like fishing, like
Speaker 1: the idea that you're sat next to a riverbank and
Speaker 1: you're looking and there's something unknown underneath and it could
Speaker 1: be the fish you've always dreamed of. Well, metal detecting
Speaker 1: has that same allure. You're going along and you're just
Speaker 1: like your brain has disengaged from absolutely any stress and worry,
Speaker 1: your arms swinging around, and all you're thinking about is
Speaker 1: like thousands of years ago, somebody, you know, a Roman,
Speaker 1: could be wandering around here of a big hole in
Speaker 1: his pocket and he could be dropping coins from here
Speaker 1: all the way to the next pub.
Speaker 2: I've got a relevant book recommendation here, which is Landscapes
Speaker 2: of Detectorists, and it's a about It's written by two geographers,
Speaker 2: so doctor Joanne norcov and in a Kieran I think
Speaker 2: Kieran Keran as how you say his name. But it's
Speaker 2: not about the show. It's basically about all the stuff
Speaker 2: that's in the background of the show, and the geography
Speaker 2: of the area and the shape of the land, and
Speaker 2: the churches and the historical uses of the land. It's
Speaker 2: really really good. You'd like it. I'll have a look
Speaker 2: at that. My friend's got a haunted metal detector.
Speaker 3: Haunted one.
Speaker 1: So this sounds like the setup for a perfect joke.
Speaker 2: It does sound like it, but no, it's it's just
Speaker 2: it's a metal detector where sure is haunted because every
Speaker 2: time we I've borrowed it a few times looking for
Speaker 2: old grid manholes and things out in the field on
Speaker 2: the driveway, and every time it comes, weird stuff starts
Speaker 2: happening in it's sort of Poltergei's fashion in the house.
Speaker 2: So we send the metal detector back and then it
Speaker 2: starts happening at that my mate's house instead. So he's
Speaker 2: got a haunted metal detector. We're fairly sure.
Speaker 1: Did he fill it with vector plasm when he was younger?
Speaker 2: Maybe?
Speaker 3: I suppose One of the things about metal detecting those
Speaker 3: is like, like you say, it's a bit like what's
Speaker 3: it called fishing, is that you're out there and you're
Speaker 3: absorbed in that thing that I find metal detectorists I
Speaker 3: speak to quite a few because we see people when
Speaker 3: we're working in a hedge. You'll suddenly see you use that,
Speaker 3: And Gordie obviously goes hair courses, you know, and I go, no, No,
Speaker 3: they're metal detectorists. You can see. And then they're going
Speaker 3: across and you go over and you don't want to
Speaker 3: say if you found anything, because I'm sure that is
Speaker 3: you know, the top three.
Speaker 1: No, I think that's perfect.
Speaker 3: Is the thing that you're going to ask. It's a
Speaker 3: bit like when you go to an angler, have you
Speaker 3: caught much? And yeah, caught much? Mate, caught any thing? Hey?
Speaker 3: And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, I saw a bloke
Speaker 3: and he say, no, nothing, I saw was a bloke
Speaker 3: here last week. He had a thing that was that
Speaker 3: big anyway. So but I like toalk to them because
Speaker 3: their knowledge of the lamb, because they pour over old
Speaker 3: maps and they know huge amounts about very pacific local
Speaker 3: history of the spot that they're doing, far more so,
Speaker 3: to be perfectly honest, than probably a lot of the
Speaker 3: people who sit in the county museums and stuff like this,
Speaker 3: because they are tramping that land. They're very useful people
Speaker 3: to know, because one of the things that affects my
Speaker 3: job isn't just the hedge, it's the soil beneath it.
Speaker 3: And so therefore do you chat to these old boys
Speaker 3: and they're going and beeping away out there, they are
Speaker 3: just just mint. They give me stuff that go oh yeah,
Speaker 3: and they'll go and give me a little piece on
Speaker 3: locoated where you know, of course i'm walking across the
Speaker 3: old line of the hedge, because that was here if
Speaker 3: you look at the eighteen seventy five map this was it,
Speaker 3: and they'll pick it up on their phone and you go, well,
Speaker 3: I never and it, you know, so you're learning all
Speaker 3: this stuff. So yeah, I like them.
Speaker 2: I like them.
Speaker 1: So some of the things I found. I found a
Speaker 1: crow tal bell and they're frightfully old. Somewhere around they
Speaker 1: reckon somewhere. I'm googling it, somewhere around fourteen hundred.
Speaker 3: A croat or bell. So that is like a child's toy.
Speaker 1: Basically, it's just like a It's just like a bell
Speaker 1: with like some little holes on the side. They're quite
Speaker 1: they're quite distinctive, and they it's just a bell, literally,
Speaker 1: a bell, small bell or rattle with a loose clapper
Speaker 1: that makes a distinctive ringing sound.
Speaker 2: We're not doing the loose clapper joke as well.
Speaker 3: Clapper sorry, loose clapper makes a distinctive sound. That's Kars Starmer.
Speaker 1: So yeah, a loose clapper that makes a distinctive sound.
Speaker 1: So that's that's basically what that.
Speaker 3: Right. Anyway, Listen, I want to talk about spring because
Speaker 3: I'll tell you why I want to talk about spring
Speaker 3: because today I got up and rather than doing proper work,
Speaker 3: because we had all these scientists coming to go and
Speaker 3: see Gualdy, I went off and took myself off with
Speaker 3: this wonderful guy. We have this team of specialist naturalists
Speaker 3: who come to the farm cluster and they help us
Speaker 3: to count various species of various things that we have
Speaker 3: on the farms. So we're trying to create a much
Speaker 3: tighter database of what we've actually got on there, so
Speaker 3: we can see the efficacy of the farming methods that
Speaker 3: we've got for wildlife things like obviously we're doing with hedges.
Speaker 3: How our woodland management works. You know, when you're spreading
Speaker 3: this then across six thousand acres, that actually matters a
Speaker 3: bit because you can go and see what's there and
Speaker 3: the why. So anyway, I went out with Andrew who's
Speaker 3: one of the ornithologists and he's currently doing this BTO
Speaker 3: survey of the overwintered stubbles. What's a BTO and the
Speaker 3: Big British Trust for Allthology. So how that works is
Speaker 3: that you have these very set transepts which are a
Speaker 3: straight line you walk, you then go fifty yards along
Speaker 3: and then walk back up the field and you just
Speaker 3: go across and you basically accounting the birds that get
Speaker 3: up off the stubbles. And when he first did it,
Speaker 3: he also did these little quadrants of a meter to
Speaker 3: see what sort of plants were there. And we do
Speaker 3: count the birds that are in the hedgerows and in
Speaker 3: the margins and in the cover crops and at the
Speaker 3: feed rides as well to see what's there. But largely
Speaker 3: it's to see what's in these stubbles, because the purpose
Speaker 3: of it is to see We've all been told that
Speaker 3: overwintered stubbles are far far better for BirdLife, particularly species
Speaker 3: like you know, skylark, lap wing, etc. That you've got
Speaker 3: this land that's left as stubble, overwintered, is there and
Speaker 3: is not plowed, that this is better. Is now proving
Speaker 3: that this is the case. You know, the theorist has
Speaker 3: done it, now is doing it. So Andrew did this
Speaker 3: and we walked up and down, and I hate to say,
Speaker 3: we did not see a single skylark. I know in
Speaker 3: the next field I've been watched only a few days
Speaker 3: before seven fighting away trying to establish a territory. But
Speaker 3: in the fields we walked up and down, we did
Speaker 3: not see one single skylark. Now, we did see quite
Speaker 3: a number of gray partridge pairs, which is a tick
Speaker 3: in the box. We saw woodcock, We saw lots of
Speaker 3: other birds in the margins, but not one skylark. But anyway,
Speaker 3: I was saying, one of the things I'm going to
Speaker 3: be writing a series of articles for both The Critic
Speaker 3: and for Scribehound on digging down deeper into the lives
Speaker 3: of specific species of moth be fly and birds of
Speaker 3: course that exist on the High Suffolk farm cluster. And
Speaker 3: I said, but I don't want to go and have
Speaker 3: all the gaudy ones, the ones that have got the
Speaker 3: big ticks in the box everyone wants, you know, yes, okay,
Speaker 3: we all know about Oh look at the red kite. Well,
Speaker 3: they're mundane and dull. I want the actual ones that
Speaker 3: are mundane, dull and dowdy. I said, but something is
Speaker 3: a bit sort of gray and dull, but has got
Speaker 3: interesting life to it. And he said to me, because
Speaker 3: you want the dunnock. And I said, okay, why the
Speaker 3: dunark And he said he goes, well, because he said,
Speaker 3: the females he goes have multiple husbands and he goes
Speaker 3: and they're obsessed by allal sex. What you know, Yeah,
Speaker 3: it was that's what she said. And it's something that
Speaker 3: I You know, when you're stood in the middle of
Speaker 3: a stubble field with a gentleman who's ten years older
Speaker 3: than you, and you've just been doing trying to find
Speaker 3: knight and girls and skylarks and stuff that you don't,
Speaker 3: to be honest, expect you're going to have someone saying
Speaker 3: the Dunnucks sort of have this this sex life. And
Speaker 3: he explained all about as the sex lives of dunucks,
Speaker 3: and they lead quite a racy life. And as I
Speaker 3: was pondering this, I sort of looked around me and
Speaker 3: I thought, yeah, actually because I sort of hairs boxing.
Speaker 3: Then out in the field I went to check on
Speaker 3: a hedge that had laid just for Christmas, and I
Speaker 3: could see just a little nodules, those pink, tiny nodules
Speaker 3: of life coming back into it. They will soon bud out,
Speaker 3: and you'll have these citrus leaves of hawthorne budding out.
Speaker 3: The catkins are already on the on on the hazel
Speaker 3: in this laid hedge. And I thought, do you know what,
Speaker 3: I quite want to see a bit of oral sex
Speaker 3: from some dunnoks. I'm looking forward to spring. This is
Speaker 3: what I want to see, and I'd say, you know.
Speaker 2: This has descended in a way I was not expecting.
Speaker 1: Now the female audiences is going to like this, I.
Speaker 3: Feel exactly see do you want do you want to know?
Speaker 3: Have we got time to talk about what they actually? Do?
Speaker 3: You see? Because the hen?
Speaker 1: Can you be a little bit more breathy when you
Speaker 1: do it?
Speaker 3: The Hen Dunnock is quite a girl. What she likes
Speaker 3: doing is that she thinks to spread the DNA of
Speaker 3: her of her brood, and to ensure that she gets
Speaker 3: plenty of male help when she's trying to bring up
Speaker 3: her young. She doesn't just take one husband, she doesn't
Speaker 3: take two. She takes at least three. And so therefore
Speaker 3: she'll st pie. Yeah, it's a party at Dunnock's lady's flat,
Speaker 3: and so she'll have one, and then he'll fly off,
Speaker 3: and then the next one comes off, and then he
Speaker 3: sticks his beak quite sort of vigorously and speedily up
Speaker 3: her tail end until she ejects. She ejects a poo,
Speaker 3: which he then removes with his beak, spits it out
Speaker 3: because he's not weird, and then he jumps on and
Speaker 3: has a go And then what does the other go at? Well,
Speaker 3: he mates with her as well, so he's removed set
Speaker 3: again slowly, so he's I think it's called cloacle removal,
Speaker 3: I think is what Mark now has told me about it,
Speaker 3: because I was like, wow, this is amazing, and then
Speaker 3: he said, have I not told you about this before?
Speaker 3: And I thought, I think I'd remembered it if you
Speaker 3: told me about or cloacle cloacle cloaca removal, you know,
Speaker 3: I would have remembered it if Mark had told me
Speaker 3: about Dunnock's doing that sort of beastliness. And then another
Speaker 3: one does it, and it's just basically this monk's chain
Speaker 3: of of male Dunnock's going at this girl much to
Speaker 3: her delight and pleasure. And I put this on X
Speaker 3: and people show me, oh, I've seen that on my
Speaker 3: bird table. They were proudly doing all. This makes all
Speaker 3: these various gangs are sort of slightly perverted birders. And
Speaker 3: so that's why I'm looking forward particularly to this spring.
Speaker 3: It's not just to see my hedges come into bloom,
Speaker 3: the sun once more on my face, an ending of
Speaker 3: the hedge laying season, and then morphing into all my
Speaker 3: spring and summer work. I want to see. I'm going
Speaker 3: to take particular interest this year in the lots of
Speaker 3: dunnocks that I have who live in my garden, and
Speaker 3: I'm going to watch them and shout out the window.
Speaker 3: You go, girl at these little hen dunnacks.
Speaker 2: In gorge dunark Cloaca.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's nice. So, Richard, what is your springtime pleasure?
Speaker 2: Springtime leisure is like after doon delight. I really enjoyed
Speaker 2: watching the days get longer. And so when I used
Speaker 2: to do commercial foraging back, you know, I've had always
Speaker 2: had a million jobs at the same time, and so
Speaker 2: I used to pick plants and send them to Hong
Speaker 2: Kong and all over the place, and you had to
Speaker 2: really be on it for what species were starting to
Speaker 2: come up. Because once you start seeing the hour and
Speaker 2: leaves in the hedge, then you go, all right, the
Speaker 2: wild garlic is going to be ready down in the
Speaker 2: in the valley or wherever, and you can really map
Speaker 2: that per year. Some years you get really early springs,
Speaker 2: some you get really late springs. I think last year
Speaker 2: was quite a late spring from memory, whereas this year
Speaker 2: I thought it was going to be early, but actually
Speaker 2: it's been. It's been quite cold. It's like six degrees
Speaker 2: every day, so it's it's going to be a while
Speaker 2: before things start to grow again and all the buds
Speaker 2: of pause, so we might have another late spring. But
Speaker 2: I've got a weird thing I do. You know, you
Speaker 2: get these on your phone's there's always an app that
Speaker 2: tells you that stores your photos for you, and it
Speaker 2: sends you a little things saying on this day you
Speaker 2: were doing this, or on you know, memories from a
Speaker 2: year ago, or I love that.
Speaker 1: Half the time, I only take pictures just because I
Speaker 1: want to know what this is in two years time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I did have one once, which was on
Speaker 2: this day you were burying a horse in the backfield.
Speaker 2: It doesn't sort of specify, you know, you know, whether
Speaker 2: it's a good memory or a bad memory. But I
Speaker 2: I like going back a year or two years and saying, okay,
Speaker 2: what was what were the hedges looking like in mid
Speaker 2: February last year and the year before and the year before,
Speaker 2: and you can sort of it's like it's like a
Speaker 2: pre event trailer almost. You can see Okay, yes, and
Speaker 2: that's when the hazel buds are going to start coming out.
Speaker 2: I've got six weeks, I've got two weeks I've got
Speaker 2: one week and I like watching that slow drip of
Speaker 2: stuff happening. And there's a quote from and I get
Speaker 2: to it's from Chunky Outdoor Fun. Stir Ray mears that
Speaker 2: standing in the standing in a woodland in late winter
Speaker 2: is like standing in the Albert Hall before an event.
Speaker 2: About forty five minutes before everyone starts warming up for
Speaker 2: the the orchestra starts warming up. You know something big
Speaker 2: is about to happen. It's going to happen in this place,
Speaker 2: but it's not it's not ready yet. And that is
Speaker 2: kind of what I feel when I go into the
Speaker 2: woods at the moment, is like everything's getting ready to happen,
Speaker 2: but it's not happening yet. So that's what I'm looking
Speaker 2: forward to, is just watching every week. At some point
Speaker 2: you'll hit something where every week something new is appearing
Speaker 2: in the hedge, appearing in the trees. There's a new leaf,
Speaker 2: there's a new flower. Because I'm a plant pervert, like
Speaker 2: the BT of bird perverts, I'm a plant pervert.
Speaker 1: What's the first thing to look forward to? Obviously we've
Speaker 1: had this wild garlic. What's the what's next on the agenda?
Speaker 1: I mean, the well garlic just gets better and better
Speaker 1: at this point.
Speaker 2: But hawthorn leaves, for what incredible for a start, they
Speaker 2: taste really good.
Speaker 1: How do you eat those? Just just as is?
Speaker 2: You can graze on them like a like a giraffe
Speaker 2: if you wanted.
Speaker 3: Bread and bread and cheese. Is that it's one of
Speaker 3: its names?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's it's they're really good. So there's a
Speaker 2: I think it's a Missus Beaten recipe, but it's like
Speaker 2: it's may pudding, which is fatty sewity pastry rolled out flat.
Speaker 2: You put strips of bacon down, interested big handful of
Speaker 2: hawthorn leaves on the top. You roll it up like
Speaker 2: a big gem rolypolium, bake it really Yeah. So hawthorn
Speaker 2: is May as in the mayflower. Yeah, and May May
Speaker 2: queen and everything like that. And okay, here's my pervert thing.
Speaker 2: There are there's a chemical present in hawthorn flowers, which
Speaker 2: is also well, it's present in the human body. It's
Speaker 2: the smell of a decomposing corpse, or it's part of
Speaker 2: the cocktail of smell there. It's also the smell of sex,
Speaker 2: and it is it is the smell of sex. So
Speaker 2: hawthorn is the shrub of death and sex. And I
Speaker 2: love saying this on foraging courses when I have an
Speaker 2: array of mid sixties quite genteel women in front of
Speaker 2: me and saying, right, smell this hawthorn flower. What does
Speaker 2: that make you think of?
Speaker 3: Aha?
Speaker 2: I gradually sort of drip it in as like, well,
Speaker 2: you know, it's both ends of the life cycle there,
Speaker 2: it's the act that creates life and it's yeah, it's
Speaker 2: so that's one of the theories about why. You know, it's
Speaker 2: the May Queen and the May Festival is a pagan
Speaker 2: festival as a pre Christian festival, and most pagan pre
Speaker 2: Christian things are all to do with it's the sacred feminine. Yeah, sex,
Speaker 2: it's the birth. It's it's the act of birth. It's
Speaker 2: the act of the act of giving life. So hawthorn
Speaker 2: is a good one. Hawthorn flowers because you can eat
Speaker 2: the well, you can eat the leaves, and then the
Speaker 2: flowers you can crystallize and then they turn into fruit
Speaker 2: and then you can do stuff with them. In the autumn.
Speaker 2: I'm going to go and pick some hawthorn leaves are
Speaker 2: really good.
Speaker 3: They are there, are fun. Then they change color so beautifully.
Speaker 3: You know when they first come out. There is nothing
Speaker 3: nothing more beautiful of how they change that color of
Speaker 3: of of leaf. I've got tattooed on my arm, a
Speaker 3: hedge atopped by a yellowhammer, and I have got in
Speaker 3: there hawthorn leaves, hazel leaves and maple leaves, and the
Speaker 3: tattoo artist has taken artistic license in putting both them
Speaker 3: in spring and summer hue, and also the berries in
Speaker 3: which I let him do because it's sort of you know,
Speaker 3: it's tattooed on my arm. It's not real life. And
Speaker 3: although it did feel like bloody the end of my life,
Speaker 3: to be perfectly honest, never get a tattoo done when
Speaker 3: you're in your fifties. That's my suggestion too.
Speaker 2: It's too late.
Speaker 1: Oh god, it hurts much more.
Speaker 3: I had one done when I was a young soldier
Speaker 3: and it was that's all right. I don't know, but
Speaker 3: that was oh man. And I'm sat around with all
Speaker 3: these young people getting sort of stuff done, and they're
Speaker 3: sort of all these young dads who are getting they're
Speaker 3: perfect photo representation of their child on their arm, and
Speaker 3: they're going, what you're getting done, mate, I'm getting a
Speaker 3: hedge done with a yellowhammer on top and they go, Okay,
Speaker 3: I thank you.
Speaker 1: We're all here for something something.
Speaker 3: I don't know why he's here, and I wish go away.
Speaker 2: Yeah exactly.
Speaker 3: His smells of sex now, yeah, he's getting an I
Speaker 3: don't feel it's.
Speaker 1: So bad about getting the pitball and the Guele's cross now.
Speaker 3: Is exactly calus, what do you look forward to in spring?
Speaker 1: What I'm looking forward to in spring is just not
Speaker 1: being so just depressing at the moment, Like every February,
Speaker 1: I January's usually like a rough month for most people.
Speaker 1: But and I know it's getting a bit lighter, but
Speaker 1: the boy gets home from school, he's absolutely knackered. We've
Speaker 1: got like an hour of light. After he's back home
Speaker 1: and we sorted some stuff out. He don't really want
Speaker 1: to be going out trudging through mud and horrible stuff
Speaker 1: and getting him changed into all the wet weather gear
Speaker 1: to get out because everywhere at the moment is completely soaked.
Speaker 1: I can't, I can't. I mean, I've got to get
Speaker 1: the dog back. The dog's got to be washed off,
Speaker 1: the whole lot, the whole admin process of going out.
Speaker 1: It's just really hard. And when when it gets a
Speaker 1: little bit drier, it gets light an hour later, everything
Speaker 1: will just be so much easier and so much better
Speaker 1: because at the moment the routine is just like I
Speaker 1: just need to finish work early and try and cram
Speaker 1: a dog walk in and not get too muddy in
Speaker 1: a short period of time. So just having a bit
Speaker 1: of a bit of life back, you know, a bit
Speaker 1: of slightly warmer, get some good fishing in, get maybe
Speaker 1: a blast at the end of the season, try and
Speaker 1: try and catch a few chub or something down the river.
Speaker 3: So when does the when does the river season end?
Speaker 1: Officially? Did he just laugh at chubbed down the river?
Speaker 2: Laugh at chop down there? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do you know? On the seen as this is the
Speaker 1: accidental sex episode. The hashtag chub is also used by
Speaker 1: gay men. So when I used to post on Instagram
Speaker 1: in the early days with the hashtag chub, I used
Speaker 1: to get lots of fat gay men like my photos
Speaker 1: and I was thinking, what is that. I think they're
Speaker 1: called bears in the technical.
Speaker 2: Term, we are called bears.
Speaker 1: Yes, you do look like you could be a bear.
Speaker 2: I've been told there is a place for me if
Speaker 2: I ever decided to go that way, and I'm quite
Speaker 2: welcome in that community. Thank you.
Speaker 3: I tell you what I've got the top trumps. You
Speaker 3: know when your lovely little puppy who is now an
Speaker 3: adult dog, when that litter was born. I had never
Speaker 3: read a litter of cocker spaniels before, so I just
Speaker 3: wanted to look into true story. I googled all right,
Speaker 3: docking cockers. Yes.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: For some reason, the auto correct took the E, R
Speaker 3: and S off the back.
Speaker 1: Of this is the story you tell Claire, Yet.
Speaker 3: No, trust me. I saw thing.
Speaker 2: I slipped in the shower onto the shampoob, yes, exactly, honestly.
Speaker 1: And the toilet rush went.
Speaker 3: What a bizarre thing. I didn't even know this thing
Speaker 3: was possible. I did not know that was I and
Speaker 3: it was so strange.
Speaker 1: Please, I know what this is.
Speaker 3: Please do not don't you do that. So, if you
Speaker 3: are looking into docking cocker spanuels tails and how you
Speaker 3: go about it, I suggest that you type into your
Speaker 3: Google search engine very precisely and ensure that you don't
Speaker 3: have auto correct set up on your mobile phone when
Speaker 3: you do it, so that you can go and get
Speaker 3: the full docking working cocker spaniels process of right, not
Speaker 3: docking workers, docking cockers. No, it was bloody dangerous.
Speaker 2: If you're listening to this and you don't know what
Speaker 2: docking is, good steak, yes, don't stick. Keep it that way.
Speaker 2: This is podcast world stuff. But often because you get
Speaker 2: sponsored in different ways, and one of the ways you
Speaker 2: get sponsored is you do an ad read the beginning
Speaker 2: of the episode or part way in, and you get
Speaker 2: paid for doing the read and you have to do it.
Speaker 2: You know, if we were doing one, we would have
Speaker 2: to be the three of us doing it to one
Speaker 2: of us doing it. And sex toys and stuff like
Speaker 2: that are often one of the ones that are Often
Speaker 2: it's a lot of people's first sponsor because it's very
Speaker 2: difficult for that industry to get placement on big podcasts,
Speaker 2: on big name stuff. But when people are starting out
Speaker 2: then just reaching the point where they are worth sponsoring,
Speaker 2: as we are now, Hello, there are quite a good hit.
Speaker 2: So they'll take your money from the sex industry or
Speaker 2: the sex toy industry and you'll read it out on
Speaker 2: their show.
Speaker 1: Richie, can you just say this episode is in your
Speaker 1: sexy voice. This episode's brought to you by love Honey.
Speaker 1: Use the code bill hook ten your first order.
Speaker 3: Let's get this back on track. Look I'm far too
Speaker 3: middle aged.
Speaker 2: The track is a distance, there.
Speaker 1: Is no track, There was never a track.
Speaker 3: I think there is a track to this. I think
Speaker 3: there's a track because what we've been talking about, other
Speaker 3: than mullets is spring, and I think there is something
Speaker 3: about spring. Richard was saying about how there is this
Speaker 3: pagan connotation, the whole thing about you know, new life
Speaker 3: and that sort of stuff. I think we all get
Speaker 3: slightly giddy. Obviously Dunnucks, do you know they're taking two
Speaker 3: out of Lady Dunuck's bottoms and you know, But I
Speaker 3: think that there is something where we all go slightly funny,
Speaker 3: and possibly that is the spring in the air has
Speaker 3: encouraged us, you know, because we don't have a script
Speaker 3: on this show to suddenly just go slightly smutty. So
Speaker 3: that's that's It's either that or it's just the thought
Speaker 3: of Dunnucks. It could be that. Perhaps it's the thought
Speaker 3: of mullets. I don't know, but I think it's probably
Speaker 3: the Dunucks that have done it. And I'm not advertising
Speaker 3: sex toys and that's it, and there's there's no no
Speaker 3: two ways about it. I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 3: That's not up my Strasa.
Speaker 2: If Colin Nets want to do an ad though, we'll
Speaker 2: do that.
Speaker 3: Oh yes, now you see, I'd be quite happy to
Speaker 3: go and do that. Do you know Colin's Nets? Bless
Speaker 3: them every single gonna No, I am, because it's a
Speaker 3: great thing. I actually wrote it as a story once
Speaker 3: in the Shooting Times the every year.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't even really know. I know they
Speaker 1: see them add for them every now and again in
Speaker 1: the back of things, but I don't know what they do.
Speaker 3: Game keeping surprise they down indorse It. They started out
Speaker 3: making nets, so fishing nets, fishing nets, ferreting nets, that
Speaker 3: sort of stuff, and then so that was their large
Speaker 3: thing that they were a net maker down indoors Bridport
Speaker 3: in Dorset. And they then started expanding out more into
Speaker 3: the sort of gamekeeping supplies. So we're talking the sort
Speaker 3: of feeders, the nets that you put.
Speaker 6: Up for release pens, all the sorts of stuff the
Speaker 6: professional rears of game birds and producers of game birds
Speaker 6: and gamekeepers will need.
Speaker 3: And they are an excellent bunch of eggs and I
Speaker 3: really like them. There are sort of you know that
Speaker 3: they're one of them firms that you ring them up
Speaker 3: and they'll go I remember buying a lot of mul
Speaker 3: traps off them, and they went, take some of these
Speaker 3: as well, Rich and go and see what you think
Speaker 3: of them, because we're not too sure if they're that
Speaker 3: much cop and then give me a report back. And
Speaker 3: so I did. And you know, anyway, they every year
Speaker 3: produce flankers flags, you know, for beating, and they produce
Speaker 3: these pink ones which they donate money to or you
Speaker 3: always used to one of the major cancer charities. And
Speaker 3: one of the these major cancer charities are hastened to
Speaker 3: add the then Prince of Wales, now his majesty the
Speaker 3: King was the patron of said to them, we don't
Speaker 3: want your money because it's to do with shooting and
Speaker 3: we don't think that goes with our ethos. And they went, hey,
Speaker 3: what you know, what we're doing is that we're giving
Speaker 3: you eighty percent of our profit off of these beaters
Speaker 3: flags and we're painting them pink. We're giving them to you.
Speaker 3: And they wouldn't take it. So they rang me up
Speaker 3: and I sent a little message through to via a
Speaker 3: route that I had to the said now King and
Speaker 3: they said, oh, yes, we will take it. By by
Speaker 3: which point Colin's Nets basically said bollocks to you, and
Speaker 3: they went to a lot smaller charity who said, thank
Speaker 3: you very much. We're only talking a few hundred quid
Speaker 3: or one thousand pounds something like that. But I thought,
Speaker 3: how bloody petty can you be that you go and say,
Speaker 3: oh no, I don't want to take your money because
Speaker 3: you've got something to do with shoot, when some poor
Speaker 3: sod might just have got over cancer because that extra
Speaker 3: thousand pounds that Colin's Nets had given them had just
Speaker 3: made that breakthrough bit of research. And you know, it
Speaker 3: was almost thinking. But anyway, I like Colin's Nets and
Speaker 3: I'm sure they'll now sponsor us after that glowing report.
Speaker 2: Well we can get a country slide beater's flag.
Speaker 3: Yes, with chunky Jesus on one side and Spaniels asked
Speaker 3: Crisps on the other'd be perfect. Who wouldn't want to
Speaker 3: be seen in the countryside waving one of those over
Speaker 3: there heads?
Speaker 1: Remember episode one where we said that it would slowly descend.
Speaker 1: I think we're there. I've got places to go to yet,
Speaker 1: we're not quite at the bottom of the slide. But
Speaker 1: we get no.
Speaker 3: Look, we're raising the tone next week, can't we because
Speaker 3: we've got guests.
Speaker 2: Yes, we have got a guest, and we can't talk
Speaker 2: about the time I was naked on national TV.
Speaker 3: Oh I think we can.
Speaker 2: So there is an episode of How to Look Good
Speaker 2: Naked out there that features me.
Speaker 3: Swell line.
Speaker 2: Never not on my own, but it was when I
Speaker 2: was with a mountain rescue team and about half a
Speaker 2: dozen of us from the team, we all stripped off
Speaker 2: for a group photo somewhere on the side of a
Speaker 2: mountain wells. So we went out for the day with Cockwan,
Speaker 2: and because we were a bunch of young, disreputable, unprofessional types,
Speaker 2: we kidnapped Coqwan and threw him in the back of
Speaker 2: a mountain rescue landrover and drove off. And it was
Speaker 2: sort of heart the fake kidnapping him. And then about
Speaker 2: half an hour later, when the producer hadn't heard from us,
Speaker 2: was started to be more and more phone calls and
Speaker 2: then a radio call and can you please bring back
Speaker 2: Coqwan in his Versati wellies, VERSACEI wellies and Harie pants.
Speaker 1: What's the difference between fake kidnap and real kidnap?
Speaker 2: I think there's a blurred line. After about ten minutes.
Speaker 1: Did take someone against their will by the sound of it, A.
Speaker 3: Little bit, a little bit take it in good part.
Speaker 3: He looks like he'd be up for a laugh.
Speaker 2: He was good, he smells amazing.
Speaker 1: Well he used he used to be fat, didn't he?
Speaker 1: So I should imagine kidnapping one would be a piece
Speaker 1: of cake.
Speaker 2: And he was telling me a really good, really good
Speaker 2: way of cushing.
Speaker 1: We'd always get one of those him, would we.
Speaker 2: Okay, I think that's probably a good place to end.
Speaker 3: I want to know where go Quan is now because
Speaker 3: I'd like to have him as a guest on the podcast,
Speaker 3: because I think, well, I would like to a reunite
Speaker 3: him with these chunky Jesus who kidnapped him on a
Speaker 3: Welsh mountain and saved him from snakes. But also what
Speaker 3: I'd like to know is some of his views on
Speaker 3: you know, the best techniques for preventing deer browsing on coppice,
Speaker 3: that sort of stuff. Ask him questions that he has
Speaker 3: no idea because he's not been in the public eye
Speaker 3: for quite a long while, and.
Speaker 1: How to dress for a driven day, how to.
Speaker 3: Dress for a driven day if you got kwang, you
Speaker 3: know that sort of stuff is bring him back to fame.
Speaker 3: I want him back in the in the limelight and
Speaker 3: as the number one rural podcast official now in the UK.
Speaker 3: We may attract him on and with the allure of
Speaker 3: of Richard as well, with those halcyon memories he's got
Speaker 3: of being bundled in the back of a ten Land. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: good times, good times anyway on that another good times.
Speaker 3: I suppose we want to go really now because.
Speaker 2: We've been long. We've got an extra bit to do
Speaker 2: at the so we're we're releasing this on Friday at
Speaker 2: six pm.
Speaker 1: So calm, we've just had a really fun day at
Speaker 1: the British Shooting.
Speaker 2: Show, or we've been kicked out.
Speaker 1: We've just had a terrible day at the British Shooting Show.
Speaker 2: And there might be extra content coming out as an
Speaker 2: extra special episode in between this one and next week's
Speaker 2: proper episode, which is with Andy Dodson, where we're talking
Speaker 2: about well, we're talking about thatching. Are we talking about reads?
Speaker 3: Both reads? It's it's sort of I suppose from the
Speaker 3: red to the roof. That's quite good. I just made
Speaker 3: that up off of the hoof.
Speaker 2: That's quite good. You can't stop.
Speaker 3: That's why they pay me the big bucks. To write
Speaker 3: for all these smart magazines. You know, it just rolls
Speaker 3: off my tongue and then onto my fingers.
Speaker 2: That's the cloacer again.
Speaker 3: That's the Cloacre's bloody dumas everywhere.
Speaker 2: And on that note, and we're going to go thank
Speaker 2: you everyone for listening, thank you for all the reviews,
Speaker 2: thank you for the new listeners, and all the new
Speaker 2: people who got in touch. And we've had quite a
Speaker 2: few people emailing as saying what the show means to them,
Speaker 2: which genuinely is touching. We don't quite know how to
Speaker 2: deal with that because we're three blokes and we're we're
Speaker 2: not really good at that kind of thing, or at
Speaker 2: least two of us aren't. At Callum's a sensitive one, yeah,
Speaker 2: I cried. He's the emotional, emotionally intelligent one.
Speaker 3: Richard, I'm the slightly steely one. You know, if we
Speaker 3: were one of those nineteen seventies sort of detective series,
Speaker 3: a right, Callum would be the quirky one who solves
Speaker 3: it in the end by a roundabout way. Richard be
Speaker 3: the one who smashes the doors in, and I would
Speaker 3: be just slightly steely aloof one who barely.
Speaker 1: Utters a word, just one more thing.
Speaker 3: This is yes, that's it, that's that's exactly that. But
Speaker 3: that'd be your catchphrase. Just one more thing, missus. That
Speaker 3: would be a callum's catchphrase. Yeah right.
Speaker 1: Anyway, someone said they heard some weird stuff at the
Speaker 1: end of the last episode.
Speaker 3: What what weird stuff?
Speaker 2: I don't I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: Right at the end of the last episode, they said
Speaker 1: they heard some really strange stuff the last few minutes.
Speaker 3: I don't know, fever Dream.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't trust what you hear on the internet. It's
Speaker 2: a bit mad.
Speaker 3: Right bye everyone, Bye, mm hmm.