WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.639 I stood in the kitchen, hands working on autopilot as 2 00:00:06.639 --> 00:00:09.400 I sliced cheddar into neat rectangles, lining them beside a 3 00:00:09.400 --> 00:00:11.640 handful of crackers on the chip blue plate. Mark always 4 00:00:11.640 --> 00:00:14.439 called the ultimate snack tray. I checked the clock above 5 00:00:14.480 --> 00:00:17.320 the stove, ten sixteen, distinctly late for a Friday, but 6 00:00:17.399 --> 00:00:20.480 not onhud of his regular post work habiaur dray. The 7 00:00:20.519 --> 00:00:23.719 first cycle of anxiety always started here. This waiting. With 8 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:26.800 most people its benign. They trained extra round stories that 9 00:00:26.800 --> 00:00:29.600 make the bar still impossible to leave. With Mark, it 10 00:00:29.679 --> 00:00:32.560 was ritual, no matter how late I get the texts 11 00:00:32.600 --> 00:00:35.399 heading home. Want anything, then the key would rattle in 12 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:38.240 the lock and each out snack queen present and accounted for, 13 00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:40.640 or something equally stupid that only made tense if he'd 14 00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:45.000 logged fourteen hundred communal evenings together. No text yet, I 15 00:00:45.079 --> 00:00:47.439 put the phone thumbed through podcasts in search of a 16 00:00:47.479 --> 00:00:50.560 time filler. That's when the group chat was the lazykscade 17 00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:54.240 of inside jerks about Kyle's mustache tashes, revolutionary cheese straws, 18 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:57.560 a new line. Guess Marks officially left us for dead 19 00:00:57.640 --> 00:00:59.880 from Jonas. Then he goes to it before we even 20 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:02.520 ordered wings brewed, followed by an old gift of Mark, 21 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:06.040 double fisting IPAs, grinning like a golden retriever. My eyes 22 00:01:06.040 --> 00:01:10.959 stuck there that gift boasted never Mark. I typed, he's 23 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:13.319 probably stuck at the bar's back room, chatting up Garrett's 24 00:01:13.319 --> 00:01:16.599 wed client. Then deleted. Typed maybe he swung by the 25 00:01:16.599 --> 00:01:19.840 office big pitch this week. Deleted again. My thumb hovered 26 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:24.359 above a coal icon, apulsive irritation and some other older fear. Instead, 27 00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:26.799 I slid to our share digital calendar, the graveyard of 28 00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:30.439 every heircut bill reminder, an anniversary place we threatened to revisit. 29 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:34.159 There in Mark's distinct blockie lettering was tonight climb pitch, 30 00:01:34.239 --> 00:01:38.599 late oger, not happier at all. But the coffee table 31 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:42.200 told another story. Mark's keys, both the office and apartment ring, 32 00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:45.359 lay beside the afternoon mail, along with his favorite windbreaker, 33 00:01:45.719 --> 00:01:47.879 still dusted with a flake of dried mud from last 34 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:50.799 week end's ride. If he'd left, he'd have needed at 35 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:53.640 least one ring. He was a creature of annoying backup 36 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.599 pland spare keys in every bag, like glove pockets inside 37 00:01:56.599 --> 00:01:59.040 the hollow handlebar. But if he'd walked or called a 38 00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:01.560 car he'd have taken at least to grass about the 39 00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:05.560 lost points for relieving fortress unlocked soft stupid girl tiptoed 40 00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:07.879 up my spine. What am I really accusing him of 41 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:13.599 being absent minded? Lying sleeping with summer. I pressed forefinger 42 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:15.520 and thumb to either side of my nose, waiting for 43 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:19.000 clarity that didn't come. I loved him, I still did, 44 00:02:19.159 --> 00:02:21.199 even as I started at his vacant chair, the snack 45 00:02:21.240 --> 00:02:24.560 plate sweating between us, the keys gunted in the TV's light, 46 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:27.319 each tiny groove now an open question. But we were 47 00:02:27.319 --> 00:02:31.439 the team. Everyone called us that Lily and Mark, the designers, 48 00:02:31.479 --> 00:02:34.000 the cycling legends, the couple that actually makes he want 49 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:36.639 to go home together after happy hour. I'd heard it 50 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:39.560 thrown around enough times to almost just almost believe it 51 00:02:39.639 --> 00:02:42.400 was permanent. Most people, if they look at us, see 52 00:02:42.439 --> 00:02:44.360 the same general cut out. Two people who met at 53 00:02:44.360 --> 00:02:47.199 the Downtown Design Program's orientation stayed up late and locking 54 00:02:47.199 --> 00:02:49.840 Adobe short cuts brew bottom as French presses in Mark's 55 00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:53.319 rented attic room. The beginnings were a playlist of shed caffeine, 56 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:56.319 mutual eye rolls of professor's notes, and that slightly neurotic 57 00:02:56.360 --> 00:02:58.919 refusal to ever finish a project before the last minute. 58 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:02.240 Our first actual date was accidental dodging a portfolio review 59 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:05.240 for Greasy eight at Mel's Dina. More chemistry and hollering 60 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:08.639 across would close their romantic tension. We both swore back 61 00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:11.159 then to avoid the series tedious Adults stuff for as 62 00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:14.400 long as possible. We mid solemn vows over cheap kraft bier, 63 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:16.960 no born jobs, no matching his and host towels, and 64 00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:20.800 absolutely no force. Eate nights, fast forward and routines are 65 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:24.360 what we built anyway, just differently. Saturday mornings, the a 66 00:03:24.439 --> 00:03:26.879 day m rides along the river, racing our group or 67 00:03:26.919 --> 00:03:28.680 just each other, betting who could spot the most off 68 00:03:28.680 --> 00:03:31.879 brand logo designs half way to the city park. Weeknights, 69 00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:34.680 there were sketchwick wars, him wielding a six B pencil, 70 00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:37.879 me stroutedizing digital color swatches. Both of us determined our 71 00:03:37.919 --> 00:03:41.000 do the other's vake agency briefs, even our fights. Six 72 00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:44.280 it between passionate and logistical, whose turn for groceries, whether 73 00:03:44.319 --> 00:03:46.280 the red or blue sofa pared better with the mural 74 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:50.000 we painted one hungover Sunday, our friend group orbited around us. 75 00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:52.439 If only for the snacks or marks boarder line, excessive 76 00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.599 laugh and I love that. I love being the design couple, 77 00:03:55.719 --> 00:03:59.319 the ones always pitching new games and hashtagging rides. I 78 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:02.599 believed stubbornly we could coast on wit and mutual ambition. 79 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:05.479 Mark was loyal to these traditions. He resented any break 80 00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:08.960 in our calendar, specially missing friends. When work ran long, 81 00:04:09.080 --> 00:04:11.800 he fred about letting down the cycle league. I always 82 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:13.840 joked his skip his own funeral if it overlapped with 83 00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:18.240 group bolling night. Money was tolerable, not glamb but after 84 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:21.000 the first few years, we each polled agency salaries that 85 00:04:21.079 --> 00:04:23.959 paid our share of city rent and the outreat. Mark 86 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.879 and I split big groceries but kept personal vemos Easier 87 00:04:26.920 --> 00:04:29.959 than debating who funded last Friday's pizza. He'd rid me 88 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.199 about my indie perfume habit. I'd poke fund at his 89 00:04:32.279 --> 00:04:36.160 endless micro transaction charges for rare vaunts. It wasn't secrecy, 90 00:04:36.399 --> 00:04:39.199 just simplicity, or so I thought. That difference was my 91 00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:43.120 mother's legacy. After my dad left all silence and taped 92 00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:45.560 thin explanations, she had folded in on herself and spooling 93 00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:47.600 only years later that she should have seen it coming. 94 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:51.519 I inherited that taste for vigilance, not paranoia, just to 95 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:53.480 low grade a tim into the way rooms go quiet, 96 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:56.639 why shoes are arranged just sir. Mark knew this, even 97 00:04:56.680 --> 00:04:59.399 reassured me once over breakfast. I'd rather get caught telling 98 00:04:59.480 --> 00:05:01.319 you too much and hiding. Were not your mom and 99 00:05:01.399 --> 00:05:05.639 dad marked it hide a little inside work. Mostly when 100 00:05:05.680 --> 00:05:09.639 a client pittulumed, he'd spin into nervous fidgeting, spreadsheeting, moodia playlists, 101 00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:12.519 muttering about deliverables in his sleep. I'd be the one 102 00:05:12.600 --> 00:05:14.800 nudging him away from his drafting pad with chocolate or 103 00:05:14.839 --> 00:05:18.399 best support spouse memes. Last year, when he nearly lost 104 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:21.480 a big brand, he'd apologized made up with a dozen roses, 105 00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.800 not my style, but sincere then we'd gone up with 106 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:27.639 the group, and I told myself again that everything was fine. 107 00:05:28.199 --> 00:05:31.839 What I always trusted was his routine oers. He hated 108 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:35.560 missing dinners, pre write coffee, our Friday debriefs. Even the 109 00:05:35.560 --> 00:05:38.839 worst deadline wouldn't keep him from group happy hour to night. 110 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:41.399 Then keys on the table, no texts and a group chat. 111 00:05:41.399 --> 00:05:44.319 That thought he was missing felt like new territory. Maybe 112 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:46.920 it was nothing. Maybe I was waiting for something to 113 00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:50.240 be wrong, and that in itself was the problem. The 114 00:05:50.279 --> 00:05:52.959 following night, I climbed into bed lone walkside and rumbled 115 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:55.120 the lemon lavender Lushian still in the air, and tried 116 00:05:55.160 --> 00:05:58.399 to make sense of it. Saturday slid heavily into Sunday morning. 117 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:01.560 Before he arrived, leather briefcase slung over one's shoulder, tied loose. 118 00:06:02.199 --> 00:06:04.279 He looked tired, but not the haphazard tired of an 119 00:06:04.279 --> 00:06:08.399 adman on a deadline. Moore pulled in werehearsed. He offered 120 00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:10.279 a wad smile, the sort you give a neighbor, not 121 00:06:10.360 --> 00:06:15.000 a wife, long one, I tested, searching his face. He 122 00:06:15.040 --> 00:06:18.199 peeled his blazer off, not meeting my eyes. Yeah. The 123 00:06:18.199 --> 00:06:20.959 pitch ran over, endless, back and forth over the newer brand. 124 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:23.959 They wouldn't let it go. He busied himself with his phone, 125 00:06:24.519 --> 00:06:28.759 which client I asked, curious but soft Anne Venture. He 126 00:06:28.839 --> 00:06:31.720 said they were reorganizing their whole launch for the fall. 127 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:34.279 A blip of memory flash a glance at the client 128 00:06:34.360 --> 00:06:37.000 roster last week, and an ane Venturer was old news. 129 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:40.879 He'd finished their banner sweet months ago, so Adventure again. 130 00:06:41.480 --> 00:06:43.839 He looked up and for the briefest instant and certainty 131 00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:47.839 crossed his face. Yeah, they're having issues legacy staff. Ye 132 00:06:47.879 --> 00:06:51.240 know how it is. He turned toward the bathroom conversation, 133 00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:54.240 closed his fingers tracing the screen. When he left his 134 00:06:54.319 --> 00:06:56.360 gym back in the hall, I bent to scoop laundry. 135 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:59.360 A new floral detergent swept up from the mess, headier 136 00:06:59.399 --> 00:07:03.360 than the industry stuff I bought in bulk, not ours upgrade. 137 00:07:03.399 --> 00:07:06.759 A laundry game, I joked, but his replied woe grabbed 138 00:07:06.759 --> 00:07:10.360 some at the agency mine ran out fell awkwardly. That Sunday, 139 00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:12.759 I nursed a soft paranoia at the breakfast bar vemo 140 00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:16.519 lap half open beside my cereal. Many couples split household bills, 141 00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:19.639 the rest just tidily dissolvento merged accounts, but we'd always 142 00:07:19.639 --> 00:07:22.240 been casual. The shared feed made it easy to tease 143 00:07:22.279 --> 00:07:25.639 him about lunch blurges on my own monthly splurge of bloom, 144 00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:28.639 this time two days pass a fifty four dollars charge 145 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:31.360 the Hideaway beauty cafe. I hadn't heard of paym and 146 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:35.040 split with ah L. I tried to justify maybe a 147 00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:38.839 client lunch, but Mark always insisted on billing Backwark meals 148 00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:42.959 not the right location for agency meetings either. Besides, he 149 00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:45.480 was out of town that day. For a heartbeat, it 150 00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:47.480 felt like a balancing at him, a connecting too many 151 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:50.720 dots or not enough. I drew invisible lines between nothing 152 00:07:50.759 --> 00:07:53.720 and everything. If I asked, would that make it real? 153 00:07:53.920 --> 00:07:56.040 Would he laugh at me? Or edge closer to the truth? 154 00:07:56.600 --> 00:07:58.160 Or am I letting my mother's go as tell me 155 00:07:58.199 --> 00:08:01.240 how to trust again? The next week, details pricked me 156 00:08:01.240 --> 00:08:04.439 in the quite as corners cycling jersey spun through my hands. 157 00:08:04.439 --> 00:08:07.959 On Thursday, laundry duty among our regular rotation of neon 158 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:11.040 and branding, I found something newer, women's cut, narrower at 159 00:08:11.040 --> 00:08:15.240 the waist, slightly shorter sleeves, and familiar logo, not ma size, 160 00:08:15.800 --> 00:08:18.680 not my preferred brand. For a heartbeat, I wondered if 161 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:21.639 it was a race freebe I'd forgotten. Even so, why 162 00:08:21.639 --> 00:08:24.240 in Mark's pile, I called to him, holding it up? 163 00:08:24.759 --> 00:08:27.120 You trying out woman's gear or now rethinking your style? 164 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:30.519 He snickered to, just a touch defensive. Oh that's a 165 00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:32.279 group's sample. I picked it up from the shop for 166 00:08:32.360 --> 00:08:34.159 next week and figured you or Tasha would want to 167 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.559 try it on they threw it in free The words 168 00:08:36.639 --> 00:08:39.120 bumped past each other, plausible in theory, but not quite 169 00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:42.440 in the texture. He'd never been the gear fetcher. Mark 170 00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:45.039 was two self absorbed during pre ride weekends. To handle 171 00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:48.159 surprises for any one, I made my face neutral, folding 172 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:50.320 the jersey and stashing it away from my own pile, 173 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:56.200 recording mentally quietly. Social rhythms started stretching. Thin. Invitations arrived 174 00:08:56.200 --> 00:08:59.840 for Sunday brunches, new art openings, river riads, even karaoke marks, 175 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:04.200 please favor it, I rvp'd, but Mark Stummolt just sloumd 176 00:09:04.240 --> 00:09:06.799 with dead lines. Promise I'll make the next one. But 177 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:10.080 when Monday rolled around, the next one never came. Friends 178 00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:12.320 noticed at the edges he's still under the gun. Or 179 00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:13.799 tell Mark he can at least show up for the 180 00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.480 last round. I said, I'd try, not sure if I 181 00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:19.120 could convince him, or if I wanted to. One morning, 182 00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:22.600 Sarah ping me after brunch, you guys okay. I nearly 183 00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:25.120 told her the whole story, but texted back, he's just 184 00:09:25.159 --> 00:09:27.840 in grime mode, you know, Mark. A few days later 185 00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:31.159 I pushed again, Hey, art shows tonight, I'm meeting Tash 186 00:09:31.159 --> 00:09:33.360 and Joan is at Old City Gallery come after work. 187 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:36.679 He glanced at his phone, expression distant, then shook his head. 188 00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:39.759 I'd love to, but we've got a Monday presentation. Agencies 189 00:09:39.759 --> 00:09:42.399 staying late, pizza at the office. One more rounovate. It's 190 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:46.879 a familiar excuse, but this time instinct moved first. As 191 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:49.360 the night ticked on and my group's photos brightened my feed, 192 00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:52.799 I scrolled through stories for distraction. There shaky pan across 193 00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:55.080 the river at sunset buck leaning against one of the 194 00:09:55.080 --> 00:09:58.600 battered city benches. The call away in bartep matching marks, 195 00:09:59.320 --> 00:10:01.639 notable because he was supposed to be eating pizza unto 196 00:10:01.679 --> 00:10:04.440 fuorescent agency lights. No one near a river at seven 197 00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:07.639 twelve p m. The next morning, sipping coffee over the 198 00:10:07.639 --> 00:10:10.240 time's crosswort, I tried to slip it in, feigning casual. 199 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:12.639 Some one spotted a bike with her collars set up 200 00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:14.600 at the riverside park last night. Did you make it 201 00:10:14.600 --> 00:10:17.759 out the pre deadline? Mack blinked half a bead of confusion, 202 00:10:17.879 --> 00:10:21.480 then an unnecessary tightness. No, must have been some one else. 203 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:23.919 I was buried at the office, didn't leave until after midnight. 204 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:27.080 I let the silence bloom. He tucked his head into 205 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.399 the paper. That same week, tripping for digital receipts, I 206 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:33.639 found another odd vemo split concert tickets one hundred twenty 207 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:37.279 dollars partial payment from meel the name again floating just 208 00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:40.960 beneath consciousness. Not one of our friends or regular traces, 209 00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:44.159 certainly not in the brunch rotation. Another folded receipt in 210 00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:46.559 Mark's jacket. Two entrees at the high end cafe. One 211 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:48.720 on a Saturday morning. He told me he was catching 212 00:10:48.759 --> 00:10:52.559 up on Freelan's work. My stomach flickered a rotation. I'd 213 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:55.480 not received flowers in months, but found two folded florist's 214 00:10:55.480 --> 00:10:57.399 receipts tucked into the back of our home mail stack. 215 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:00.440 I could have called him out. I could have mentioned 216 00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:02.759 it over dinner or when he next absently kissed my hair. 217 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:06.039 But what would I say? Am I rifling your receipts 218 00:11:06.039 --> 00:11:09.000 because I don't trust you? Or because you've suddenly become inexplicable? 219 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:11.399 Am I losing my grip? Or testing to see if 220 00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:14.960 you have? Sarah finally forced my hand. We met up 221 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:17.000 at the New Coffee Bar, a glass cube of reclaimed 222 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:19.919 wood and articinal film. I ordered a cinema lattes, then 223 00:11:19.960 --> 00:11:23.360 let my complaints trickle out careful and complete Marks old 224 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:26.320 heeinnines and miss coles. Lately, I don't know. Maybe I'm 225 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:29.200 just bugging him at the wrong time. Sarah, who had 226 00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:31.440 known Mock nearly as long as I had, frowned after 227 00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:34.399 a long swaller, saw him here last week. Actually he 228 00:11:34.519 --> 00:11:36.720 was with someone I assumed work, but he looked pretty 229 00:11:36.720 --> 00:11:39.960 intense new higher. She had the shot bob neon cycling cap. 230 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:43.480 I almost set high, but it looked serious. Last week. 231 00:11:44.200 --> 00:11:46.759 I tried to keep my voice level. He told me 232 00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:49.720 he was at the agency that morning. She shrugged, and sure, 233 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:53.519 maybe I'm mixing up days. I chewed the inside of 234 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:55.840 my lip, pouring all my focus into peeling the label 235 00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:58.879 off my cup. Even the words looked intense, spun around 236 00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:02.480 my brain and distorted echo shapes. By then everything felt off. 237 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:05.679 If he was cheating, wouldn't I know? Or was I 238 00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:09.240 merely seeing patterns shadows that weren't there. But Mark's lies 239 00:12:09.240 --> 00:12:12.200 weren't bake, not yet. They were bends and coves, small 240 00:12:12.279 --> 00:12:15.240 changes in routine, gentle rerouting of the way Allahs fit together, 241 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:20.039 and through it all, I didn't accuse him, couldn't. Instead, 242 00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:24.000 I grew vigilant, not paranoid, just a hypertendive, like every 243 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:25.960 atom in the room could rearrange itself to give me 244 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.960 an answer if I just waited long enough. After all this, 245 00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:31.320 after nearly two weeks suspended in the crowded hush of 246 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:34.080 my own apartment, waking up at every fourboard creek, I caved. 247 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:37.440 I sat marked down in the kitchen Saturday afternoon rain, 248 00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:39.720 taking down the white windows, and asked, can we talk? 249 00:12:40.360 --> 00:12:43.639 He leaned in, wore, he pinched across his mouth. Yeah, 250 00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:47.399 is everything all right? Visibly I wavered, but I pressed. 251 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:50.519 He've been all over the place, missing rides, skipping brunch. 252 00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:52.960 Everyone's asking after you. Is work bad? Or are you 253 00:12:53.080 --> 00:12:56.360 just over all of it? He exhaled, rubbing his temples. 254 00:12:56.799 --> 00:12:58.879 I'm sorry. I should have told you walks crazy, But 255 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:01.279 that's not the hull story. I took on extra freelance. 256 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:04.080 Fran she's well, she's dealing with some personal staff, and 257 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:05.960 I offered to cover some of her workloads so she 258 00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:09.720 could get through it. Anna, I repeated, the name, jogged 259 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:11.879 a memory and new Coaker he'd mentioned in passing, but 260 00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:15.320 I'd never met. It's all above board. I swear she's newish, 261 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:17.720 a little frazzled. Her mom's sick, and she's behind on 262 00:13:17.759 --> 00:13:20.799 a few big projects. Half the agency's pitching in. He 263 00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.879 slid his phone across the table, opening a string of emails, schedules, attachments, 264 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:28.360 bland but friendly, see all project notes and files. A 265 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:31.639 couple of emojis. But that's just her style. I nodded, 266 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:34.519 embarrassed now at how easily the tension in my chest released. 267 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:38.360 Mark couldn't fake this, could he? I'm sorry? I doubted it, 268 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.960 I started, but he cut me off. No, you're right 269 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:44.360 to ask. I'll do better. I promised to stop bringing 270 00:13:44.360 --> 00:13:46.799 work home. We could use a reset. He laid his 271 00:13:46.840 --> 00:13:50.120 palm across mine, Ralph warm, familiar. How long since we 272 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:52.279 had a week in just for us? He ordered to 273 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:54.360 take out, picked a dummrong com and for the night 274 00:13:54.440 --> 00:13:57.320 the wolver we set. Mark was gentle, unhurried, the winds 275 00:13:57.320 --> 00:14:00.639 in his forehead smoothing out. I let myself re let 276 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:03.600 my suspicion dissolve like a stack of salt. I told 277 00:14:03.639 --> 00:14:06.000 myself my fears were just echoes of a broken childhood, 278 00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:09.039 proof only of my own un finished business. By Sunday night, 279 00:14:09.080 --> 00:14:11.159 after our little couple's get away to boutique in two 280 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:13.159 towns over marck surprise. I felt like I had been 281 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.559 handed my old relationship back. I watched him sleep, cheeks 282 00:14:16.600 --> 00:14:18.600 rosy under the lamp light, and tried not to make 283 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:20.679 eye contact with the debts lined up in the shabbyond 284 00:14:20.679 --> 00:14:23.320 our bed. Then, Monday morning, as I saw to the mail, 285 00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:26.639 a fat ivory envelopes slid loose, addressed to Mark and 286 00:14:26.759 --> 00:14:30.200 careful looping print, I flicked it up and scanning instinctively 287 00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:34.320 inside a short handriton, thanks Mark, can't wait for our 288 00:14:34.360 --> 00:14:38.960 next getaway. They only an initial, oh mantic intimate, nothing 289 00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:41.399 like the professional sign off of a grief stricken colleague. 290 00:14:41.879 --> 00:14:44.720 Time slowed, clasped inward, the groove of his key in 291 00:14:44.759 --> 00:14:46.799 the door, the edges of the snack plate, every story 292 00:14:46.840 --> 00:14:50.639 since last Friday, reshaping themselves. I ransacked the weekend's comfort, 293 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:53.120 holding up each memory, the brief phone calls, marked, small, 294 00:14:53.159 --> 00:14:55.399 hesitant jokes. Checking his watch when we cut across the 295 00:14:55.440 --> 00:14:58.440 bautic lobby. Did he check for her messages or mine? 296 00:14:58.879 --> 00:15:01.519 I sat abruptly, hot jack khmurring in the silent kitchen. 297 00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:05.399 Suddenly the line between caution and certainty wasn't quite so fine. 298 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:09.320 But I couldn't wouldn't go in swinging, Not yet. This 299 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:13.519 had to be real, not just fear. I dug deeper, careful, systematic. 300 00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:17.480 Now I toddled through Venmo again the wayh our reseats 301 00:15:17.480 --> 00:15:20.480 painted a time line, brunches, late lunches, concert tickets mapped 302 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:24.600 out over months, sometimes round them, sometimes faced exact weeks 303 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:27.879 apart of pattern, as deliberate as a scheduled affair. Determined 304 00:15:27.879 --> 00:15:30.120 to know, not just guess, I wrote quietly to the 305 00:15:30.159 --> 00:15:33.200 concert venue where Markett supposedly stayed late for a work deliverable. 306 00:15:33.720 --> 00:15:35.519 I made up a lost and found story to ask 307 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:38.559 about the tickets. Day later the reply Marx Carter had 308 00:15:38.600 --> 00:15:41.200 purchased two VIP passes used on a night. He texted 309 00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:43.919 me from the office. They checked in at seven fifty 310 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:47.559 seven p m. I faced the threshold, finally of knowing. 311 00:15:48.200 --> 00:15:50.679 I plodded my next move, nothing reckless, nothing that could 312 00:15:50.679 --> 00:15:53.240 be spun with a quick lie. I convinced myself I'd 313 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:56.279 have forgotten my scarf at Mark's agency and arrived after hours, 314 00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:59.679 palms sweating in my jacket pockets. The office was nearly 315 00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:01.799 deserve it. Light time in my green, bright stale air, 316 00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:05.440 perfumed with spent owner. At Mark's desk, half covered by 317 00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:08.039 project notebooks was a sketchbook I had never seen before. 318 00:16:08.600 --> 00:16:11.320 The covers were knitited within and bike tire grooves filled 319 00:16:11.320 --> 00:16:14.480 with rough local sketches, entwined with cursor half flirtitious notes 320 00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:17.720 in the margin's I recognized his hand, a small curtoon 321 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:19.679 of Mark and a woman riding in front, the woman's 322 00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:22.000 hay wild beneath a cycling cap drawn in a style 323 00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:25.360 that wasn't mine. Later that week I eyed him over breakfast. 324 00:16:26.120 --> 00:16:29.159 Mark munching toad claimed he'd never tried the riverside cafe, 325 00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:31.279 the same whose receipt I'd found folded in his pocket 326 00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:34.360 the week before. He seemed bolder, almost taunt him, fae. 327 00:16:34.840 --> 00:16:38.639 I was done socializing, my suspicion something foundational had cracked. 328 00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:42.919 I brought in serrh my anchor over burritos. I spelled 329 00:16:42.919 --> 00:16:45.879 it out, listing receipts, venue's days. He'd vanished behind a 330 00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:48.879 screen of work. She was quiet for a stretch, then 331 00:16:48.960 --> 00:16:51.600 keyed around on her phone, scrolling through friends of friends. 332 00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:55.279 Anna learned. She offered showing me a cycling groups tag 333 00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:59.960 shots slick helmet neon jerseys like confident Grin. A fellow 334 00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:03.480 agency designer, nearly single. Mutual friends called her intensely creative 335 00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:05.880 amuse for anyone with wheels most damming. She filled the 336 00:17:05.880 --> 00:17:08.319 frame beside Mark in a half dozen cycling event photos 337 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:10.839 over the last eight months, her gloved hand ghosting behind 338 00:17:10.839 --> 00:17:14.640 his back the last domino one evening after a weekend 339 00:17:14.640 --> 00:17:17.720 apart a voicemail from the local bike shop. Hi, just 340 00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:20.079 confirming the custom water bottle's order for Mark and Anna 341 00:17:20.119 --> 00:17:23.640 anniversary logo let us know when to pick up cold clarity, 342 00:17:24.279 --> 00:17:27.240 years of inside jokes reduced to a receipt initials engraved. 343 00:17:27.960 --> 00:17:31.759 My body alternated between cold and wildfiree heat. I rifle 344 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:35.000 repeatedly through his desk, waking the night to invent plausible explanations, 345 00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:37.240 not just to protect myself, but to protect our story 346 00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:40.519 from the stark betrayal. This wasn't stress, nor ghost in 347 00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:44.599 the calendar, nor some misunderstood Pal. This was a deliberate rewriting, 348 00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:47.680 an adult deception, crafted with the same obsessive attention Mark 349 00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:51.319 once reserved for typefaces and ride routes. I was angry now, 350 00:17:51.480 --> 00:17:54.279 not just scared. Anna had become the scent piece of 351 00:17:54.400 --> 00:17:59.519 entirely distinct routines, cafes, concerts, hidden sketchbooks, commemorative orders. I 352 00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:02.880 saw and jagged relief, our whole relationship being replaced in chapters, 353 00:18:02.920 --> 00:18:05.720 each carefully managed lime or humiliating, because I wanted so 354 00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:09.000 badly to believe him. But I wasn't done yet, not 355 00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:11.319 until I had every last fact in the open, not 356 00:18:11.480 --> 00:18:13.759 until I was absolutely sure of the direction, every line 357 00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:16.960 of my life was suddenly pointing. The confrontation would come 358 00:18:17.559 --> 00:18:19.759 not as a side note, not as another nervous, half 359 00:18:19.799 --> 00:18:23.000 joking question, but direct and ignorable, as final, as a 360 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:25.160 helmet snap before Riegy, no will blow up the map 361 00:18:25.160 --> 00:18:27.880 You've written a thousand times before. It took a full 362 00:18:27.960 --> 00:18:30.559 day after Sarah's confirmation for the surge of clarity to 363 00:18:30.680 --> 00:18:33.720 wash through. I still kept expecting something else, some perfectly 364 00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:37.160 sensible truth, to leap out, make the last month's pattern harmless. 365 00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:40.359 Each time my brain offered a distant hope, even as 366 00:18:40.359 --> 00:18:43.200 my hand stout deeper demail in boxes. Old event invites 367 00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:45.720 the social media trails all modern couple's leave behind, like 368 00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:48.440 tied tracks and mud. That night Mark called to say 369 00:18:48.480 --> 00:18:51.200 he'd be laid again stand with Keedden's pushing through late reviews, 370 00:18:51.240 --> 00:18:53.720 get some sleep. But I lay in our bed, listening 371 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:55.359 to the old pipes and the walls, the steady thump 372 00:18:55.440 --> 00:18:57.480 of water in the neighbor's apartment, the drone of the fridge, 373 00:18:57.519 --> 00:18:59.880 wondering if he was even in the city, if he'd 374 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.960 good night to Anna crawl into her sheets, or if 375 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:05.440 their fare was all back seats and hotels, string of 376 00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:08.920 escapes from the routines heat sworn he loved. I texted Tasha, 377 00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:11.160 one of our Rye group regulars, just to hear some 378 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:15.039 one else's voice. She messaged back in seconds you up 379 00:19:15.079 --> 00:19:18.799 for the city loop tomorrow? Need my wing woman? I replied, absolutely, 380 00:19:19.039 --> 00:19:21.799 seven thirty u K eager for any human ritual that 381 00:19:21.880 --> 00:19:24.559 still made sense. When I got up the next morning, 382 00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:28.519 Mark's pillow was untouched, his phone charger was missing, as 383 00:19:28.559 --> 00:19:31.440 was his windbreaker. At the time, I fixated on these 384 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:33.680 physical absences as if they could be talied into a 385 00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:36.839 calculation that might adopt you. Just working laid on the riot, 386 00:19:36.839 --> 00:19:38.640 the city was laid out in half light, and even 387 00:19:38.680 --> 00:19:41.559 my legs felt heavy, my lungs never quite full. I 388 00:19:41.640 --> 00:19:45.279 trailed Tasha spinning through the familiar greenways that cut toward downtown. 389 00:19:45.880 --> 00:19:47.799 At the mid rd stop under the bridge, ire usual 390 00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:50.160 debrief a new addition to the group. Benny squatted to 391 00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:53.480 grab his water bottle and eyed me sideways. Hey, havn't 392 00:19:53.480 --> 00:19:56.640 seen Mark him for ever? Is he on hiatus? Tasha 393 00:19:56.680 --> 00:19:58.759 paused a glance, flicking from me to the others, but 394 00:19:58.839 --> 00:20:01.839 didn't save me. He's just work swampt, I replied, making 395 00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:04.880 my face carefully neutral. Then he grunted, pushing off on 396 00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:08.359 his pedals. Tasha lingered, propped on her saddle, and finally 397 00:20:08.359 --> 00:20:11.920 ethane low voice. Are you guys good? I froze, helmet, strapped, 398 00:20:11.960 --> 00:20:14.640 stamp at my chin. A succession of Anz's tumbling through 399 00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:17.640 my mind. The practiced everything's fine was right there, but 400 00:20:17.720 --> 00:20:21.640 it felt like stepping into someone else's shoes. Instead, I shrugged, 401 00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:23.640